#solution proposed by fuckheads: you're suspended until you get help from our Flawless system that has harmed you in the past

[anaalnathrakhs]

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heeehee hooohoho nothing has weight, sense, or value anymore. everything is everybody's fault. no one can be blamed for anything. sorry for being an asshole i'm just going to fucking kill myself.

i asked my mom if she remembered if we set up an account for me to check an info, she said she didn't know, i said okay thanks, don't do anything about it though.

this afternoon, while i'm sleeping, i get a text that goes like "okay so you do this and this and this on the website!" and i haul my ass out of bed to do it before the cutoff time this evening, and it leads me to the exact same problem of needing an account. so. my mom could take the time to search for a way to resolve a problem she THOUGHT i had. despite me telling her explicitely, bc i'm starting to get used to it, not to do anything about it and it was just a question. but then she didn't click through the thing to check. bc she just googled it and sent me what she read. after telling me "noooo, no need to check" when i had asked her. she said it "went over her head" that i had said EXPLICITELY "please don't do anything about it".

i have no fucking idea what to think. i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, yes, and my own fault for even mentioning the topic, yes. but on the other hand, why the fuck is such a simple thing impossible? we've had so many discussions about what i'm uncomfortable with, and there's many things that didn't change, which i understand, because i'm not a toddler, i have complex needs but also the ability to mitigate and handle discomfort, they have priorities, they have no obligation to uproot their habits for me. but then such a small fucking thing is also too much?????? i ask her one yes/no question, and she invents a problem i didn't have from the situation, halfasses solving it, and brings me the result like yay! mom to the rescue! despite me telling her NOT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE TOPIC OF THE VERY SIMPLE YES/NO QUESTION. that she had told me to not even bother checking when she answered. we've had discussions about it. i've learned to tell her NOT TO CHECK because for some reason when i say "hey have you seen this thing around?" she hears "go fetch me this thing", and despite that she was still showing up two days later like yay! i found it in the back of the guest room closet where we never go! mom to the rescue! and like, i know you're a workaholic, but could you please not invent yourself fucking quests when i told you to drop it?

and on the other other hand, i'm a fucking hypocrite, because it's true she does tell me often not to do something, and i slide the problem a little to the left and carry on. but i don't fucking know. she said that like, well, you know what i'm talking about. purging in the toilets. I HAVENT ASKED YOU TO CLEAN THEM AND I HAVE DONE MY BEST TO CLEAN THEM AND I WOULD'VE DONE THE PROPER DEEP-CLEAN IF YOU HAD ASKED ME AND ALSO I HAVE A FUCKING RAGING EATING DISORDER THAT AFFECTS ME LIKE PRETTY MUCH 24/7.

and holy fuck. i'm a constant problem for everybody around me. it's cool. how am i supposed to "get better progressively" when everything i do is fucking poison damage to everybody around. how am i supposed to accept being around people often, when this is not a harsh pass or a difficult time, it's just what life's been for my entire existence.

like trust me mom, i'm counting the days til i can move out too! but am i. im possibly planning to get a year of higher education in my hometown, after all. but also i might have to drop out of school so 🥴 possibly a step towards leaving, possibly a step towards living in my parents basement until they die out and i inherit the house. fucking fantastic. i should just cut it short and either have the balls to kill myself, or drop out and get the best job i can with what i have.

it's cool! i thought i was doing good, doing better, improving, but turns out haha me doing better is just at the expense of other people! how silly of me to believe i could perhaps not be a source of suffering to everybody around me if i worked hard on it! everybody in my life fucking hates me and they're right tbh what the fuck have i done for them. i mean i tried, but have i succeeded?

ANYWAY i have until monday to figure out what i'm going to do. does anyone have a movie rec for someone killing some stand-in for the unfeeling standardize reglementation, cuz i need some catharsis rn.