#solve it with soft volta

[simper-maximus]

Courtiers Headcanons Yoo

Thoughts are flooding my head, here is me draining it out even though I have no experience in writing.

Now, warning: I only finished Lucio's route so these could contain inaccurate information. Since I basically know most of the story from memes. Oh well.

Today's topic is bodily functions and other slightly disgusting stuff. Enjoy.

Volta

➼Overall there is a common headcanon (or maybe it's canon? don't remember) that the courtiers do not need to eat, and thus have no bodily functions overall.

➼In my opinion, while that is mostly true, it only is to an extent. They don't need to eat, but if they do, you better believe it has to come out too

➼With that being said, Volta, with all her eating, practically lives in the loo

➼The first month when she got to the palace and became the darling lil procurator we know, she was overjoyed by being fed whenever she felt like it

➼(Which is basically all the time because everyone though of her as some sickly victorian child wannabe) (And hey, gotta feed the workers)

➼And at first everyone though it was because her scrawny body was just getting used to the now normal food intake

➼But nah she just had no control over herself and would go full sneaky mode and eat five cow's worth of food a day whoops

➼So the cooks and even Nadia got concerned

➼Why is this precious baby always running to the bathroom?? Is the food contaminated? But everyone else is fine??

➼They took her to the head doctor, darling Valdemar to check for allergies because what if she is lactose intolerant? Or has gluten problems?? They can't risk losing their most accurate poison check worker

➼This obviously annoyed the other demon because damn it, WHY couldn't Volta just chill and at least TRY not to raise attention?

➼In the end Valdemar prescribed her some fake pills and got her her own bathroom. Problem solved, nobody is suspicious now

Valdemar

➼Another headcanon I see often is that their shell of a body is fused with their clothes, basically making it part of the disguise

➼Yeah, no

➼They work with blood and other non solid waste that could stain their clothes

➼If those clothes were fused with their body it would make it sooo much harder to keep it clean

➼Not to mention anything could get stuck in that delicate fabric. Geting all up in the nooks and crannies

➼Good luck washing it out if that is the case. They'd have to throw their whole self in the washing machine

➼That being said they have a normal body under the uniform, and take daily showers even if they didn't get particularly dirty that day

➼They do however use those very old block soaps that makes your skin texture feel sticky in a way too clean sense. Either that or the strongest one they can find. Doesn't matter that it makes their skin dry as hell

➼That being said their skin is unbelievably dry all the time. Please put some lotion on them

Vulgora

➼HOW are they always so sweaty

➼Maybe definitely that is the reason they are always so angry all the time

➼How can you thrive in an environment where your foes keep getting away because of your slippery body, huh??

➼Brings Vlastomil to shame

➼The Vesuvian temperature doesn't help one bit. Therefore this demon loves the winter, despite claiming to dislike it because "the colors don't go well with their outfits"

➼They definitely tried the "pads inside your clothes" lifehack to lessen the damage. Don't ask where the pads came from

➼Also those facial oil remover rolls? They got like four in each pocket

➼Weirdly cares a lot about skin care though, so they often brag that the oils are the cause of their baby soft skin

➼You could not find one (1) pore on this demon's face. And of course, everybody noticed that

➼They tried to profit off of this, and sold some wacky "skincare scrub cream" to the civillians. (For the purpose of buying some sick weapons with the cash of course) Didn't work. Had to wait for a whole generation to die off to escape the shame

➼So how does their makeup never get smeared? Don't ask an enby their secrets~~

Vlastomil

➼He, like Volta loves a good feast and always joins in whenever he can

➼However he hates when fish is served because it reminds him that worms are often used as bait to catch said fish

➼Glares at the palace aquarium as he walks by

➼He is probably the most normal one of the bunch

➼Doesn't have to deal with anything extreme

➼Good for him honestly

Extra: Valerius

➼He is slowly starting to go bald but admits it to no one

[shadow--writer]

request: platonic picnic with volta

:D

*bursts through door, trips on my own fucking foot and slides on the floor* hello Courtier fandom 

(these got out of control I apologize for how wild I am, I write what I think and I have a unicycle with the devil at the pedals for a brain)

AND I WROTE THIS LATE LAST NIGHT SO HOLD ON: Requests are still open, but yadda yadda follow 3 characters max rule etc etc. Will also do other Courtiers! *rules are found here

Volta and MC picnic! 

~~~~

Okay first of all ya gotta ask if Volta wants to go on a picnic (the answer will ALWAYS be yes but it’s nice to ask)

Anyways Volta will LIGHT UP and start doing a little happy wiggle dance 

She loves hanging out with you and food and she gets both :D 

asckdmndfh she’ll just be,,,so excited days leading up to y’alls little picnic date

Every time she thinks about it she gets a large smile on her face and starts doing her happy wiggle again 

She will...get some stares but no matter Volta is happy and THATS WHAT MATTERS 

Bring Mazelinka’s soup for her and she will burst into tears

She’ll bring sweets! And other foods but hey I’m writing this I can be self indulgent with Volta. She’ll bring cakes and sweetened fruit for you 

Watches very closely as you try her cooking (which is always delicious. Never mind how long she stayed up making it perfect for you)

DANCE WITH HER OMG 

Taking her hands and stumbling around 

I’m going out on a limb here but hear me out 

Volta not quite knowing how to dance in the way you might want to. Like,,,she’s a courtier so my guess she knows how to dance 

But she just can’t relax after years of not being able to 

So you reteaching her how to have fun while dancing because like 

I think Volta would love to dance. Something about letting loose and giggling esp with her excuse me while I just *tissue honks as I blow into it*

She starts laughing as you spin her, tripping over her own feet and skirt hem as she dances with you 

Frosting on y’alls lips and noses :,3

Tripping and falling into the grass, tugging one another down as you fall down a hill 

asldkmsjhghfdj taking her out on a picnic in flower fields and making her a FLOWER CROWN 

She’s just eating some bread and you plop a wildflower crown in her hair 

Y’all im giving myself feelings for the sweet thing give me a moment 

She would feel so honoured and treasured by the wildflowers and HAVE to make you one too 

It’d be a bit sloppy and you’d have flower petals falling around your shoulders but the PRIDE ON HER FACE IS WORTH IT 

Going on a stargazing picnic usually ends with Volta asleep on your chest 

Cold days she brings lot’s of blankets and warm drinks as well 

She loves feeding you lmao, and going on picnics with you would push her to cook and bake more 

idk I just love the idea of Volta making treats for you and bringing new recipes on picnics 

and if your MC bakes she would be happy to try devour in a single bite like the mood she is what you made! (in fact she’d be touched you made something for her as well)

[beetles-and-leeches]

Ranking the courtiers

The other ranking surprisingly got a response so here's more of my dumb dumb thoughts on these bitches

1. Valdemar

Do I even have to explain?

I am, in fact, a filthy shameless monsterlover

This sharp-toothed bastard can take my organs anytime. I'll consider it a selfless service from them

Horrifically uncanny, witty, cryptic, makes dark jokes and doesn't give a shit about death (because it kind of is death). Dream partner

A walking eldritch horror

Feels like an avatar from The Magnus Archives

Yes I know they are ace I just love them as a character concept and as a monster

They are the most scary element in the whole game and I'm thankful for them. I need fear to survive

Yo tengo un caballo verde que hace piruetas-

2. Valerius

I'm in love with them since Nadia's route

He bLUSHES

The perfect villain that is actually competent and intimidating but still hasn't done enough damage to be irredemable (yes this is me still being mad about Lucio. Get used to it)

Heaven is a tea party with him and the Hiperophant

Long hair man hell yeah

Honestly the corrupted sprite is pretty fcking attractive

3. Volta

Baby. Soft. Must protect. Pure

Yes I am also starving 24/7 let's team up and eat the world like that one flash game with the grey goop thing

I have this headcanon of her being a starving child when she made the deal so any ships with her seem weird to me

That one part in I don't remember who's route where she just clings to Julian, baby

4. Vlastomil

I just really like bugs

PLEASE take me to your estate to see your worm collection and tell me their names. That's all I'm here for

Seems like talking to him would be very entertaining just for the way he expresses overall

5. Vulgora

Too intimidating for me

Like they're a cool and fun character and all but if I actually met someone who yells like that I'd just run away crying

My moral side says you should never solve your problems through violence. My chaotic side says hell yeah arson

[magicalarcanqblog]

The arcana characters as random sentences from my friends and i p2:

Lucio:

"Do you own a little black dress and how do you feel about clowns?"

"Anything with Lucifer cracks me up."

"I told the bitch to move and she fucking smacked me."

"I've got 40 new things from The King of Hell."

"Ima 6 course meal and you're just burnt toast."

"I admitted that I was having an affair. I wouldn't lie about a hamburger."

“I can’t rely on my eyebrows and distracting jawline forever.”

"I'm an asshole but I'm funny."

"Yay!  They're poor!"

"Nobody wants to watch me set my house on fire."

Nadia:

"Don't make me kiss the attitude out of your mouth."

"Solve this quadratic equation or I'm not gonna suck your dick."

"My husband looks like a porkchop."

"I have to be successful because I like expensive things."

Portia:

"Do you want a purse doughnut?"

"Sometimes, when I'm in crowds, I accidentally touch people's butts on purpose."

"You are very much hug."

"That looks like cat porn."

"Glitter is just gay sand."

I think I have an ant crawling around in my cleavage."

"I'm not a girlfriend, but my lesbian is."

Asra:

"Don't say shit like that because Im about to go from daddy to father on your ass"

"If you ever need a cross dresser, you know who to call."

"Hey guys!  Ima fucklepuff."

"I don't know what I'm doing. I'm gay."

*is in a cloud costume* "guys, don't make me laugh too hard. I might precipitate."

"I'm not even a human anymore. I'm just waiting to turn into a pigeon or something."

"I am just homosexualy attracted to clouds."

"Daddy isn't a name, it's a way of life."

MC:

(@ muriel) "Is he asking me if I wanna fuck a chicken?"

(@ julian) "Literally this entire phone call has been in fucktardese."

"Instead of as asking for your pronouns, I almost ask 'how much do you cost?'."

"I almost dabbed and it made me nauseous."

"I've spooned everyone."

"I don't know what's wrong, but it's not good."

"I AM FEELING GAY AND BETRAYED"

"Just open up the window and throw a goat in there."

"Gotta text my hoes. I mean hoe. I'm mean... my boyfriend."

Muriel:

"I was intimidated. I thought he was gonna pull a gun out of his beard or mullet or something."

"I'm an incompetent squirrel."

"Cows can't rat me out when I do something illegal."

"*screams* sorry...  I put s shirt on."

Julian:

"I wanna get beat to death.  It's soft"

"can I kiss your cheek, for science?"

"Time flies when you're having phone sex."

"If I was a new crayon, I'd be depression black."

"I turned myself off with my stupidity."

"My entire life is just me making people uncomfortable with my depression."

"if I where in app, I would be vine because I am dead inside."

"If you put your hand there you might as well spank boy"

"The secret to living forever is already being dead inside."

"During sex, I like to think about dying."

“if you were to date someone from your theatre family, would that be incest?”

Volta:

"Lets lose some teeth and gain some weight."

"I got a boner looking at a Milky Way."

" I like to curl up with a bucket of KFC."

"I have a candy shelf in my ass."

Vlastimil(?):

"Cockroaches are better than sandwiches"

"Ima take her to wash her worm."

Valarious(?):

"Get drunk for Jesus."

Vadimar:

"My favorite quote is about torture."

"I want his skin."

"I love mass hysteria."

[neetu05]

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