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imaginationxlost · 3 years

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SO I was just inadvertently reminded that I need to talk about the setting of Sparks (and many other stories).

Very minor spoilers for uh... all of these ahead.

That out of the way, let’s begin!

I usually call the setting “Shadowed Dreams” as a combination of the two halves of it, Shadowed Souls and Dreams (which are themselves multiple stories coming together).

So the setting of Shadowed Dreams exists in five planes. (Also the separation of Shadowed Souls and Dreams is primarily whether the plot stuff is more related to up from Earth (Dreams) or down from Earth (Shadowed Souls))

Each plane has it’s own color of magic (mostly called Quintessence, or tessence on Earth; which is the term I will use from here on, even though other planes have different names) and each kind acts slightly differently.

They can also react with one another.

Purple and Black tend to mutually destroy one another, and they act really similarly and will supplant one another whenever possible. Black tends to be better at creating permanent effects versus purple and black is better at affecting the souls of living things. Purple on the other hand is better at quick changes, natural phenomena and mind affecting abilities. Both are very good at magical binding, whether it’s tying two souls together, or locking someone into a magical contract. It can be very tricky.

They also move similarly, but not quite identically. Both kinds of tessence travel through the air like a mist. Black acts like it’s a little ‘heavier’, but it’s slight. The similarity is why they tend to supplant each other when they end up in the same environment.

Yellow and Green tessence also react with one another as well, but rather than destroying and supplanting one another, they tend to repel each other. If forced together they’ll mutually destroy, but one has to force that.

Both Yellow and Green are particularly good at conjuration; creating something out of nothing. Yellow is also extremely good at illusions, and any and all magic related to the mind. Green is... VERY good at conjuration. Also at like... edict magic. Magical commands that one has to/is compelled to follow. And divinations. It’s very good at divinations. It’s also good at messing with souls, though not as good as black.

Yellow and Green tessense both spread through the air too, but green tessense tends to sink close to the ground and creep along like a heavy smoke, and yellow spreads out fast and always ends up scattered and thin if it’s not actively controlled or replenished.

Worth noting about all of these specialties is that they aren't hard rules. They’re just what’s easiest to do with each color by default. Technically there’s nothing that one color can do that the others can’t.

Movement between planes is possible, but not without rules. Without considerable magical power, it’s basically impossible to go more than one plane away from your native plane. That’s what the arrows on the image mean; it’s showing the possible travel.

Also worth noting is that tessense as a whole travels up between planes where it can. It usually can’t because there’s just too much of the native tessence for it to matter but it will be relevant.

“You skipped Orange-”

Orange is fucked. I’ll GET TO IT. Just know it hates all other kinds of tessense right this second. If you’ve read Sparks (and you’re not a specific friend I’ve talked about this stuff to) you’re probably a little confused because, uh, isn’t Earth Purple?

I’ll get to it.

Oh and a couple of quick side notes

~ All sapient denizens are humanoid to some degree. The weirdest is gets is the more powerful Angels and Demons. Angels will have more wings the more powerful they are, and demons will have like weirder legs or arms or whatnot. But still a bipedal creature with one head two arms, two forward facing eyes, etc. Also the fey have some variation (especially in size) but are never too far from the humanoid body plan.

~ Every plane has at least one ‘monarch’ sorta. It’s magical thing. They don’t have to have any political power (though they usually do; Earth excluded). The Monarch(s) are powerful individuals magically connected to the plane itself, and without the Monarch(s) the fabric of reality is less stable. This is a relevant fact. OKAY.

So let’s talk about these planes, from the top down.

The top plane is native to the Angels. It’s ruled by the King of Angels, and at any given time there are nine archangels in existence, though not all of them are in their home plane, since one of them has been banished down to Earth by the King. The King is the Monarch, though any of the Archangels could take that position if it was ever opened. He’s very paranoid about that possibility and rules the whole plane (or well, his planet in the plane; they all have Outer Space) with an iron fist to keep tight control and maintain his position.

He’s also in a long term war with the Demons, but it’s mostly In Name Only because it’s very rare that they can actually access each other. Hatred of demons is a very real thing in Angel culture though, especially after an archangel was killed by a demon on Earth (the fact that said Archangel was banished there by the King is conveniently left of of the narrative).

Next down is the Dreamers. Dreamland as as place is fueled and influenced by the thoughts and imaginations of the people on Earth. Yellow Quintessence is created by the dreams and ideas of Earthlings, rising up like magic and forming into the tessence on Dreamlands plane.

All of that is why the culture and magic in Dreamland is influenced by Earth’s.

There are five courts in Dreamland, each one having it’s own Monarch. Thematically, they’re each one of the french suits, as through Dreamlands history their courts have always built off of Earthly games, and as time went on the powers shifted and it slowly went from one monarch to five.

Five though, you might be asking? There are only four french suits; hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. And you’re right!

But before the french suits there were the minor arcana. And the major arcana. But as the french suits took over as the actual game cards, things shifted in Dreamland, and the Major Arcana court eventually became the star court, as a fifth suit.

But... saying Dreamland has five courts isn’t entirely accurate. It’s supposed to have five. That hasn’t been the case in a long time. The Diamond court ended up absorbed into the Heart Court, making the Heart Court the defacto court in control of all of Dreamland, and making the whole plane less stable and that’s a dangerous state to be in. It’s a good thing the Angels aren’t trying to take advantage of that /foreshadowing

Hoo boy. Earth. Okay. So Earth’s color is orange. A fact that I’m SURE confused any readers of Sparks.

Orange quintessence doesn’t spread. It doesn’t spread like, at all. It clumps together leaving it wide open for the tessence from below to flow up and spread on Earth, to the point of dominating and becoming the life energy everything on Earth, when on every other plane it’s their own native color in that role.

There aren’t very many magic users who use orange, and those who do... don’t consider themselves magic users.

See, orange Quintessence is more commonly called anti-magic. As used by hunters. You see it now, Sparks readers, Eh?

ACTUAL SPOILERS AHEAD THOUGH. Skip to Fey if you don’t want spoilers about a major villain + some other stuff

WARNING. WARNING.

So what about Earth’s Monarch? And for the readers of Sparks- what the hell is the Master? What are Mages? While those later questions are more related to the Fey, I’m going to answer them here.

The Master is the reincarnating soul of a deceased Monarch from the Fey world. When a monarch is killed by someone else who could magically hold that position it shunts the soul to a different plane. And it only reincarnates in the mages and into specific families a lot because... mages are descendants of Fey, and the stronger a family’s fey blood is, the more likely it is that the fey monarch would be born into, because magically it’s drawn to Like.

So... Earth’s Monarch.

Earth’s Monarch is Kevin Anderson. The only people who use orange magic are the organization of Witch Hunters, who actively hunt down and kill magic users, because orange destroys all other kinds of tessense, and isn’t mutually destroyed to the same extent as the other reactive colors.

Kevin Anderson is a name that has meaning to anyone who’s read Sparks though.

See, Monarch on Earth just reincarnates (common for monarch souls) whenever they die, and the Hunter Organization actively hunts the kid down every time, and due to how reincarnation works (with past lives acting as a base for a new personality to be altered and changed by a new lifetime) it’s slowly made them hateful and cruel across many lifetimes

Which lands on Kevin Anderson by the time the story starts. At first the characters only know him as a very powerful Hunter, but it’s a lot more than that. He’s extremely dangerous.

So about those Fey Monarchs. There’s three fey Monarchs. There’s supposed to be four, one for each Season.

The Winter Queen is dead though, killed by her own child (who was a literal CHILD and got banished to Earth for their ‘crimes’), and no one took that throne. The Autumn Queen grabbed up a lot of the Winter Courts people and power, but not all of it, so the power imbalance isn’t quite as extreme as in Dreamland.

It’s still not GOOD though. Especially given what goes on below them though.

Oh also all of the Queens are kinda terrible people.

Below them though? Well there’s the Demon King, and nine archdemons, mirroring the Angels in that. Frankly the King of Demons and the Angel King have more in common than they have different. They’re both old fools who are clinging to their throne at all costs and stoke hatred towards the other to maintain control.

But the King of Demons is doing more than the Angel King. He’s actively seeking to advance that war, damn all the people between them.

And what do you know, the plane between him and Earth is weakened for having a monarch missing, so his war starts against the Fey, but his plans go much further than that.

#worldbuilding #sequel: shadowed dreams #this was fun to actually write up #writeblr #writing #My writing

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thespianhauler · 4 years

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So I saw a Homestuck item for sale recently that might actually be a problem[?]

Not 100% sure on whether it is a problem but I’ma post all the info I have here and let y’all decide.

So it has to do with a pack of Homestuck Midnight Crew playing cards being available for purchase from several different Ebay sellers as well as a few third party online sellers of novelty trading cards [the only reason I saw it is because I collect novelty playing cards].

I did go ahead and grab a pack so that I could compare it to the authentic Midnight Crew Playing cards.

I’m gonna come back to The Felt Playing cards a little later for a different point, but first I just wanna show the box art for them.

The authentic deck box has the suits on it, nice ribbon, all 4 weapons from the crew against a bloody spade backdrop, very nice.

This is one side of the deck box art of the “new” Midnight Crew playing cards. I ain’t saying anything about the art, the art is really nice, this isn’t a complaint about the art, this is me being unsure of how legit these cards are.

This is the art on the other side of the deck box. Also my second point of confusion, if I wasn’t clear my first and main point is the legitimacy of this item, my second point is why is Snow on the box of a midnight crew deck?? She’s not party of the crew, she absolutely does not belong on this box my dudes.

Decks are the same size [2.45 inches by 3.5 inches], an average playing card deck, so nothing majorly changed there

Now admittedly this has messed me up since I got the cards, cause the backing of the authentic cards does not match the deck box art. And on one hand I can understand why, the deck box art is usually symmetrical, that allows for the plays to shuffle the cards as much as they want and always have them remain right side up cause the cards, if split through the middle horizontally remain mirror images of each other.

The deck box art is asymmetrical, and buddy you’d look real dumb holding your cards upside down. But I still feel they could have made the design asymmetrical with some adjustments, but that’s a complaint for a different day. The authentic midnight crew playing cards have the same backing design as the felt playing cards.

For the “new” deck the Snowman design is actually the backing. not only is it asymmetrical and the back of your hand is gunna make you look silly, but again it should have at least been the Slick art cause that makes SENSE

This part made me really feel like the new deck was just milled from a printing company that is open to taking any orders for a deck of cards. It made me feel pretty sure that the deck was a bootleg/knock off.

The left most card is the only bonus card that comes in the authentic deck, giving credit to the artists involved in creating the deck, by name and tumblr blog.

The middle and right most cards come from the new deck, they’re the sort of cards that you sometimes get in regular old playing card decks, poker hands and a how to play x or y game.

Left is the authentic, right is the new. Now this far from the card the camera doesn’t really pick up any differences.

The art from the authentic deck, the colors might look a little washed out I had to brighten my camera to get a clearer picture.

The new deck, between the 2 decks there’s no real difference in art used for the cards. And the colors are identical, the no adjustment in brightness or hue between the 2 sets [any differences seen in the images are probably due to my camera].

This is as close as I could get to a card from the new set, without it going blurry on me, and you can see the little crossing lines on it. That’s the biggest noticeable difference; material quality

The authentic deck is made of card stock with a smooth finish

New deck is card stock with a linen finish [linen while a nice tactile feeling also can make the edges of an image a little blurry; I’ve noticed this the most on the cards that have clocks on them].

The new deck has a very strong plastic smell, but I blame that on the thin plastic the cards were in [but man is it STRONG]

Authentic deck smells of card stock, which I’m hoping this deck smells like when it airs out

They feel about the same thickness

The boxes on the other hand; authentic box feels thicker, sturdier, the print job is sealed, more likely to last

I’ve only just opened the new deck and the box feels much flimsier, there is no sealing on the colors on the deck; which is evidenced by the fact that I’ve managed to scuff it just by opening it

The last thing that bothers me is the copyright information on the box [I don’t know what else to call it]

Now this leaves me confused, The Felt playing cards have the Homestuck and Whatpumpkin logo on the bottom copyright Andrew Hussie bla bla bla you know the rest. But the Midnight Crew cards don’t have that anywhere on the box [and I know damn well they’re authentic]

Which just leaves me confused as fuck all. I, may not be the biggest fan of FFBF as a third party selling site, but I visit it fairly often to keep an eye on what’s going on with the homestuck stuff [I also follow their tumblr and get email updates from them] so like, did I miss something here??? Am I wrong and this is a reprint that was made and sold out hella fast on FFBF??

The last thing I’m gunna include is the description and details that are [literally identical] found on every selling post about these cards

“A playful version of classic playing cards by Homestuck, with art by NightMargin. This deck features the Midnight Crew members: Spades Slick, Hearts Boxcars, Diamonds Droog, and Clubs Deuce, with weapons and objects that they use throughout their missions.

Details:

54 card deck

Card size: 2.5" x 3.5"

Card finish: linen

Box dimensions: 3.59" tall x 2.56" wide

Art by NightMargin

Great for Homestuck collectors

See if the cards are bootleg it means that all those people listed up on the card crediting the artists involved means they are absolutely not getting their due payments for the art provided on the cards, nor is Hussie or for fans by fans getting any money back on these decks.

It also means 1 to a few people had to come together, have really good images of the cards to provide a template for the printing company, pony up the dough to get x amount of decks printed, and then make bank on letting third party sellers on ebay or online sell them [or even they’re the one’s directly selling them online] it’s hard to say.

All I know is this feels real fishy to me

#Homestuck #Midnight Crew #The Midnight Crew #Playing Cards #Novelty Playing Cards #Homestuck playing cards #Midnight Crew playing cards #??#For Fans By Fans #Nightmargin #What is happening

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pxrtgasdace · 6 years

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♠ devil’s playground, a study of ace’s hands prompted and featuring a cameo by @pilawforhire

Any other day, in any other instance, inked fingers demanded more attention that plain ones. More interesting to foreign eyes they were deemed.

Even to familiar ones they were still an object of interest, and Ace couldn’t stop himself from taking a peek at Law’s hands as he read from across the room, some book titled something long and with the suffix -ology somewhere in there. Though Ace’s good eyesight allowed him to discern the letters on the cover enough to read them if he wished so, it was on Law’s also letter-bearing digits that he centred his eyes. To watch him flip a page or secure the paperback by changing his hand’s positioning so as not to damage it was far more interesting than to guess what it was he read about with such concentration and collected enthusiasm.

Law’s hands... They were not Ace’s pick. They were what they were, the useful appendages humans had been blessed with by whatever Creator. Still they were worthy of his unconscious fascination every now and then - they’d draw his gaze to them and there it would linger.

But that was any other day. Today, the plain, old boring fingers were worthy of protagonism, which they had earned by their own modest merit.

Leaving Law to his readings, Ace looked down upon his own hands, currently partially obscured by the playing cards interspersed between his fingers. He had been trying to up his skills by playing Napoleon at St. Helena while his mate offered no more than his presence in the living room but, having gotten bored with the complexity and loneliness of the game, had ditched it for some good old house of cards fun.

It would have sounded depressing were it not for the fact Ace was not so bad with it. His hands lacked the precision Law’s hands had been graced with and gotten over the years, and it was true his temper rendered it impossible for him to be best friends with Lady Patience... But, because there was something childish in building a house of cards, and even simplistic in using them for their physical aspect thus stripping them off their playing value, a man like him could enjoy himself.

Ace started placing the cards on the table one by one but he had to stop at finding a particular one amongst his pile. The Ace of Spades. It was said that those bearing the name of ‘D.’ were superstitious fellows - he and Law had never truly sat down to talk about it; they might discuss fate and a cursed existence but never prophecies and the stuff of legend. Could this argument be naught but belief in itself?

Still, Ace knew enough to say this was what they called the ‘death card’. He’d heard it several times in his life thanks to his sharing of the card’s name. It was always the Ace of Spades. Never the Ace of Hearts, Diamonds or Clubs. It was Death that immediately popped to people’s minds when they made a connection between this Ace of flesh and bone and that of the cards. Rational an assumption - everybody dies - but charged with a sense of imminence that seemed to bid adieu to any joys he could yet live.

Were Ace inclined to such thoughts, he’d find it amusing how Law would bear ‘death’ in his hands while he bore his in his name. Predestination versus choice. For now, he discarded the bit of cardboard and paid attention to his bare hands.

Like Law’s, they were what nature had given him, a pair of useful must-have anatomical tools. That’s where the similarities stopped, as he found, paying attention to his hands for the first time he could recall.

His hands were slightly more ample than the average man’s, still keeping to propotion and not freakish enough to demand looks of curiosity and disgust, though, from certain angles where their size was enhanced, they looked somewhat cartoonish. The digits were broad and rough in appearance, with scars scattered all over, in various sizes and ages.

Most of these Ace had gotten during his childhood where his living outdoors and penchant for trouble formed a dangerous combo which made any boy return home with a collection of injuries and bruises to kill for. Climbing trees, setting traps for wild beasts, directly hitting said beasts when the traps failed, browsing trash, debris and scraps of construction material for things of worth, building things with said finds, wielding his metal pipe in fights against everyone who touched a nerve (and that was a big slice of Goa Kingdom’s demographic)... All activities of action and violence would take a toll in the end of the day.

Most marks had healed and disappeared with time but Ace still displayed a few.

For instance, he had, on his left hand, between the second and third digits and descending in a line on the back, a scar he’d gotten when defending Luffy from an aristocrat not even a year after the loss of Sabo.

The boy was running so carefree, challenging his big brother to catch him, when he went straight against the nobleman. More than insulting the juvenile rabble, the man produced a blade the Lord knew from where and took a swing at Luffy. Ace’s reaction, though justified, was disproportionate, with him putting more strength into his own metallic blow than the threat demanded. The blood was boiling hot in him, filling each and every vessel with hellish rage and Ace did not measure his power nor his foe’s. He couldn’t - after Sabo, no one was taking his little brother, the still cry-baby one away.

The man had reacted as he ought to, taking the child as a serious opponent, for Ace’s appetite for chaos rivalled that of many an adult male. Ace could not explain how the fight had gone because blood had deafened and blinded him and everything had been just a blur of black and white and red, with Luffy’s wailing in the background, muffled to his brother’s ears but loud as war trumpets to the crowd. If he had a single scar to prove the story true, he had only himself and the demon that had possessed him that day to thank for.

Now, while he didn’t exactly feel proud of it, Ace considered it a medal for bravery, embroidered in his flesh.

Speaking of the flesh, Ace’s hand felt like leather to the touch. A rough thing, still it glistened like a delicate craft thanks to the numerous calluses that covered his hands. This hardening of the skin could be relatively blamed on seafaring. The sun, the wind, the sea. The rope scraping flesh every time he moored Striker.

Part of it was still to blame on the survival skills he’d gained as a kid and of which he still made a good use as an adult - climbing trees and roofs was an effective way of losing chasers or to find one’s way in an unknown city with only a few points of reference; hunting for meat when fish wouldn’t satisfy; knowing how to make a shelter for himself with what was available... Sometimes Ace would even make a use of that dagger he carried against the leg to carve a piece of wood duiring long, lonely and dull times in the company of none but the crescent-shaped raft.

Then, there was a third reason, a much more recent one: his Devil Fruit. Many things in Ace’s biology had changed when he’d become a man of fire. His hands, for example. The fire within them had affected the flesh by multiplying its flaws twofold at least; but there was a plus side, or so the lucky few who were allowed Ace’s trust to touch his hands considered: they were always warm, regardless of weather and external temperature. Not hot, never cold.

This warmth was enough to melt snow if there was no fabric in between, like the sweet warmth of his bodily fire had been capable of melting away some of the ice Law had raised as a wall encircling his heart.

Finally, and not so poetically but in a far more practical note, Ace’s nails were always kept short. More often than not, they were stubby and showcased white spots as the result of mild damages to the nail bed or low calcium - again, consequence of the hardships of a seafaring life. Other than that, Ace could boast of managing to keep all ten fingers in his twenty-two years of existence. And ten toes too, for that matter!

Concluding his analysis, Ace intertwined his fingers together and eyed the cards. From the distance, he heard Law flip a page and its silence enhanced sound cut the air.

In what gestures were concerned, and still as a part of this study, Ace’s hands were used to performing a couple of them that spoke of his personality, more than sticking to the activities they were meant to carry out.

As part of an adult take on the childish temperament he wished to tone down, Ace would often crack his knuckles as either a warning his patience was about to end, if accompanied by glaring eyes; or as an alert it had indeed reached its quota if the coals turned wild or the sides of his face looked uneven. He also cracked them as a response not to anyone but himself, whenever he embraced a mission or arrived at a troubling verdict.

He made guns out of his fingers as part of his fighting repertoire, in a move where his injured fingers and their right hand counterparts would face a foe and spit real fire in gun-like blasts. By keeping his middle finger facing the palm of his hand, Ace would do a child-friendly version of these finger guns when with his friends, as to acknowledge a joke or in the way of a salute.

Ace also took his hands to his lips to whistle and, when bored, he’d drum his fingers on what surface was available, whether it was the Moby Dick’s railing, the dinner table or his muscley arm.

Most of all, Ace’s gestures worked in association with his hat. Never had a hat been so cherished after his brother’s straw one and it didn’t even share its meaningfulness.

Both of Ace’s hands would often go for it in greeting, for various reasons and in a miscellany of combinations. Sometimes he’d spread his fingers over the top in order to lift the cowboy hat from his raven hair. Sometimes he’d hold it between his fingers and his thumb, and so he would nod. Or he’d hold the same way only along the brim to nod as well or give it a soft pull.

Speaking of which, hats also served as a great means of concealing one’s countenance, as much as they worked on shielding eyes and protecting the head from the hostile weather overall. A wide brim was a helpful friend when the eyes sparked with rage or drowned themselves in tears and hence it was not uncommon to find Ace pressing his hat deeper against his skull, in the hopes of giving silent frustration some privacy.

If it seemed like Ace only knew how to manhandle the trademarked hat, truth was his harsh hands knew how to be gentle with it, even if one would think otherwise at the sight of the man twisting the object when it was heavy with rain as to dry it. Call it ‘tough love’ if you will, but even this misuse was an expression of how much he cared for his hat, which would often receive pats and cleansing brushes of the fingers to send the dust away.

Finally, there were the small things, revealing of his core, also not to be relieved of blame for the pitiful state his hands were on at twenty-two. Cooking gave him no burns but guitar playing benefited from the ugliness of those calluses as much as it shaped them. Slamming his fists against the wall to release the anger. Mimicking Law in his favourite gesture of flipping the bird, though Ace did it less commonly than his Death-bearing counterpart.

Ace looked at the pairs of triangles which formed the two floors of his house of cards. With a single blow of the right hand, soft and almost merciful, he took it down. Law turned another noisy page. Ace decided he’d had enough of being idle.

With all fifty-two cards in his hands, Ace swiped those in his right to his left until he identified the pair he needed. In a mute march towards Law, Ace, rather imperiously, placed these two over Law’s open book so he wouldn’t get lost next time he picked it up.

The Ace of Spades and the King of Hearts. While he knew the first was the death card, he knew not of the latter’s meaning. All he knew was both could apply to either of them. All that mattered was that Law liked hearts.

“I think you’ve had enough of that medical-ology. C’mon, I’m bored!”

#long post for ts #pilawforhire #✕ [writings]#✕ [headcanon]#[this would be in the op world but with some changes ace's hands would be described the same way in other verses]#[because there's always a good deal of manual labour for him in them]#[the name is obviously from idle hands are the devil's playground and though ace's hands are never idle]#[figured the whole devil's son thing would make the apparently erroneous choice have meaning]#✕ [queue]

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elfstuck · 6 years

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AR, whose name I have forgotten or never known, one of the impthings in a clownsuit, is trying, and failing, to resist the urge to ride Bro’s rocket board. The picture is ridiculous and I’m not pasting it in here. The text is something something dudebro-esque with cooler-than-thou hipster overtones; the word “shit” is used as a euphemism for “stuff” or “things” or “activities,” and the word “yo” appears in all caps. Subsequent pages have more rocketboard antics.

There we go. I have no idea what’s up with the moon-onna-chain stuff (I think the purplish one is Derse, and this is the one whose name I forget because I don’t own its pajamas), but I like the bold yellow-on-black thing and the looks-like-antennae ball on the chain. WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT I AM LOOKING AT THE PRETTY.

No, I lied; we’re back to plot. PM, who is... maybe Parcel Mistress here? Maybe? is getting ready to head into battle. Also, the gold place is apparently named Prospit.

I will continue to inflict upon you the pictures I find pretty, no matter how relevant or irrelevant to the plot.

... How does that outfit even work? I understand the hat, soft-cone thing with a rolled edge, and probably-decorative buttons on top and a decorative feather that may or may not actually stick into the brim. Elizabethan-style neon collar, check. Doublet/vest, stripey on top, belt in a contrasting color that matches the rolled-up underside of the hat, doublet design changes below that, with more decorative buttons. Fine.

Open bag with a long cross-chest shoulder strap, weapon tucked into bag along with letters. Fine, fine.

Breechclout? Below a bare-midriff cut doublet?

I dunno what’s going on with the chessboard and timey-wimey politics shenanigans and dreamworld and post-apoc survivalist things, but there are CRIMES AGAINST FASHION going on here.

Just sayin’.

And in consideration of those crimes, I will refrain from sharing the next pic, which is much the same only with a pair of clownish hats poking up from the floor-area; apparently she’s being followed on her way to the White King.

Oh. It’s not multiple hats. It’s one hat with multiple tops.

Howcome these are never the outfits I see on Homestuck cosplayers at conventions? These are awesome outfits. The little candy-cane horns and red-blue lensed glasses are boring by comparison.

Okay, you’re gonna get ANOTHER picture. This is what you get for following a liveblog, where I write stuff before I turn the page. I don’t like to take out pictures I’ve already included, even if there’s another one soon that covers the same basic concept. Besides, I like these pictures (OMG BRIGHT W NEON COLORS!) so I don’t mind seeing them several times, so you get to see them several times too. Aren’t you lucky!

This is apparently not Clubs Deuce (note the lack of penis in his fist) but a (the?) COURTYARD DROLL from Derse, who is following the apparently clueless PM, which is probably short for Parcel Mistress in this setting.

I totally want a Courtyard Droll costume. I am short and roundish; I think I could pull that off. Even if I had to also wear glasses. (Because I’m damn near blind without them, and no, I can’t switch to contacts; they don’t make bifocal contacts.)

CD attempts to pick her pocket. It looks less like an attempted theft than a US Congressman imitation.

There’s some inappropriate touching, and she spins around to find him, but he’s quick and shifts to her back before she can see him.

End result: He grabs the White Queen’s ring, which is round with four little equispaced pearls (omg what do these people’s FINGERS look like; that is not a ring that anyone should wear; it looks painful) and PM wanders off, unaware of what just happened.

Tell me the pearls are held there by magnetics/magic, and they spread out to as far apart as they can when there’s no obstruction, but when they’re on a hand, they’re all 4 on top, or 3 on top and 1 underneath.

Lie if you have to; it’s not like Hussie doesn’t.

Anyway. PM gets on a shuttle and blasts off toward the wild blue yonder. CD gets a radiocall from DRACONIAN DIGNITARY who speaks in diamonds but I am apparently no supposed to believe that means Diamonds Droog. I am never sure whether this is clever twisting of character ideas or Hussie just being lazy and reusing the artwork. Anyway, CD is to bring the ring; they’re waiting on news from HEGEMONIC BRUTE who is totally not Hearts Boxcars, and that SOVEREIGN SLAYER who is also not Spade Slick says he doesn’t have to wear the outfit anymore. CD demurs; says he likes the outfit.

Well. That would be a change in direction of the story. This seems to be Prospit Jade, in Super Attack Mode and also looking all stretched-out and ninjafied like Dave the Slayer. She is introduced without words but surrounded by quivering action lines, which you don’t get to see here because I don’t use gifs. (Which are pronounced like the beginning of “gift,” not like the peanut butter.)

Prospit NinJade goes on to clobber some kind of greyimp in a clownish suit, with a club symbol. Oh wait, that’s him. The scene probably didn’t change; he’s just showing up as grey because the lighting changed.

The lighting. In the hand-drawn comic. Right.

Cinematic effects are much, much less noticeable in single-panel comics than they are in movies.

Here, have some pummeling:

I almost didn’t include this because I don’t care for orange. But NinJade being awesome deserves more than a single panel.

Even if I’m not sure exactly what she’s being awesome about. There is something disturbing about this multi-world-perspective jumping around thing, and if I try to think about it, I’ll tie myself in knots trying to decide which is the “real” story.

Fuck that. All real story. Or none real story. The point is, awesome smackdowning is going on, and so you get a few pictures of it.

She catches the ring flying through the air; CD is vanquished, and a couple of people (I use that term loosely) see what has happened.

Oh look; for once Tumblr’s ridiculous resizing shenanigans are useful. Let’s see, that’s CD’s silly hat, and... someone with a jade-green tri-leaf hat. Huh.

NinJade attempts to deliver it to PM, but she’s already left in her bright yellow shuttlecraft. Jade will have to “remember to deliver it later.” Ohghods, more timey-wimey games coming up, and appearance of that ring in some drastically different storyline.

My head hurts just thinking about it.

#Homestuck #homestuck liveblog #prospit #jade harley #cosplay potential #elf meets trolls #act 4

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anfieldcentral · 7 years

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Player Ratings | Liverpool FC 3 - 0 Middlesbrough

Simon Mignolet: 7 - Had very little to do throughout the 90 minutes but everything he did he did calmly and with an air of collectiveness. Deserves huge respect for how well he’s ended this season.

Nathaniel Clyne: 7 - Got up and down the right flank at will but it was another case of same old from the Englishman. Crossing wasn’t the best, had a shot that he should’ve done better with but shanked wide and defended solidly whenever he had to.

Joel Matip: 7 - Wasn’t really tested throughout but whenever ‘Boro did venture forward down their left hand side he shut it down with ease. Passing was fairly poor in the first half but he improved as the game went on.

Dejan Lovren: 7 - Gets an extra half mark for the clean sheet but the truth is, he still managed to put some hearts in mouths - not least with a bizarre clearance in the first half. Still, a clean sheet is a clean sheet and he kept his composure in the key moments to help the Reds towards their top four finish.

James Milner: 7 - Looked more assured in defence than he has done at times in recent weeks but in truth he was hardly tested in that respect. Used the ball better going forward and thrived off being given some extra space.

Emre Can: 7.5 - Ran, adjusted his wonderful hair, crunched into tackles, passed the ball well and pointed at things. Another successful outing by the German.

Gini Wijnaldum: 8.5 - He just loves the big occasion doesn’t he?? The Dutchman scored an absolute cracker to give the Reds the lead just before half time and also grabbed another assist for Lallana’s goal. Picked the perfect moment to step up. Great stuff.

Adam Lallana: 8 - Had a quiet game in truth before scoring his first goal of 2017 and gets an extra half mark for the coolness of the finish. Ran his socks off and pressed hard. Nothing less than we expect from him.

Philippe Coutinho: 7.5 - What a free kick. The Brazilian finished the season having netted 13 goals - 3 from free kicks - and was once again influential in the Reds best moments going forward across the 90 minutes. Will be interesting to see whether he starts next season in this central position after two superb outings.

Roberto Firmino: 7 - Nice involvement in the first goal as he played the one-two with Wijnaldum and looked one of the more likely players to make things happen in the first half. Seemed to enjoy playing centrally with Sturridge as he was free to move all across the attacking third and ended up just toying with defenders by the time he was taken off.

Daniel Sturridge: 7 - Unlucky not to get a goal but his sheer presence was enough to get the Reds a break through. His movement and reputation means defenders stick to him like glue and this freed up the space for Wijnaldum to drive into the box from deep and smash home. Will hope he’s done enough to convince Klopp he deserves to stay.

Substitutes:

Lucas Leiva: 10 - Gets a 10 for being a fantastic servant to this club for 10 years and for winding back the clock by making a late burst into the box just minutes after coming on.

Divock Origi: N/A - Ran around a bit.

Alberto Moreno: N/A - Got in Calum Chambers face which was kinda funny.

Manager:

Jurgen Klopp: 8 - Got it spot on as he chased the 3 points from the off. The diamond formation has served him well over the last two games and it was nice to see him continue to do his best to bring out the brutal, attacking football we saw in the Autumn. Has had a successful first full season in charge in my eyes.

#Liverpool FC #LFC #Football #News #EPL #English Premier League #Gini Wijnaldum #Jurgen Klopp #Ratings #Player Ratings #Philippe Coutinho

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zrtranscripts · 7 years

Text

Radio Abel, Season Four

Part 4 of 6

ELOISE: Time for some letters.

HUGH: Only one this time, I'm afraid. It's there beside you.

ELOISE: Right. [tears open envelope, opens letter] "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I had the misfortune to hear your program while I was scanning the frequencies for a lost runner. I have risked my life to send you this letter..."

HUGH: This is not promising.

ELOISE: "I have risked my life to send you this letter because I hoped to persuade you to desist from your selfish practices."

HUGH: Sounds like my gran.

ELOISE: "How dare you drive around for pleasure while the rest of us are holed up under constant attack, attempting to rebuild society? How dare you squander precious petrol and stockpile food while we are stranded?"

HUGH: I knew I shouldn't have mentioned them Ritz crackers.

ELOISE: "How dare you - " Well, it goes on like that for three pages! Signed, Henry J. Stevenson.

HUGH: I should just shut up on this one, shouldn't I?

ELOISE: Yes, you should. Well, Henry - if that is your real name - let me inform you and your clumsy handwriting of a few facts of life. Number one, I am constructing a communications network as we travel, and Hugh is – is clearing up the postboxes in preparation for the new mail delivery system when it arrives.

HUGH: I've still got my keys!

ELOISE: Thank you, Hugh. Number two, we are providing a valuable social service for our listeners, most of whom are not stumbling donkeys like yourself! Number three, just because you don't hear us outside this van don't mean we ain't providing outreach and community support to the fascinating people we meet in our travels.

HUGH: You certainly provided outreach to that gobby teenager in [?].

ELOISE: I barely clipped her. Number... what number am I on, Hugh?

HUGH: Six or seven, I think.

ELOISE: The bottom line is that we've worked all our life, both of us, and we're older now, and if this is the end of the world, we're entitled to take a look at it before we go. So, Henry J. Stevenson, let's see you do your bit or shut the hell up! Go back to art school. And if I did clean your favorite supermarket out of Heinz beans, let me tell you, they tasted great! Anything to add, Hugh?

HUGH: Thank you for your letter. Do write in again.

ELOISE: Wait, the cable's tangled!

HUGH: I want to get started.

ELOISE: Well, get started. It's not like they can hear you taking off the nuts.

HUGH: Ow!

ELOISE: Hello, and welcome to our first outside broadcast. It's just like the BBC here. We've only run a two meter cable out of the van, but still.

HUGH: Read the letter.

ELOISE: What letter? Oh, yes. Uh, right. We've had a letter from... Steven, and he says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, we... we have a car now and none of us have changed a flat tire before, so... um, how do you do it?"

HUGH: Thank you for your question, Steven. It is timely as our van has just suffered a puncture. There's three main stages: you loosen the nuts, jack up the car, then change the wheel.

ELOISE: Steven says, um, why do you loosen the nuts before you jack up the van?

HUGH: Well, Steven, that's an excellent question. You see, the nuts have to be on tight, so it'll require a lot of friction to turn them, and if you jack up the van first, you'll either turn the wheel instead of the nuts, or you'll drag the whole van off the jack.

ELOISE: Steven says, uh, so how do you choose the right kind of tire? Oh, Hugh! Crawlers, nine o'clock!

HUGH: What? Where? Grab the noisemaker, shut the door! What direction are we?

ELOISE: No, wait. Oh, it's just an old bin bag. False alarm.

HUGH: Eloise, I swear, if you do that again, you'll be changing the next tire by yourself.

ELOISE: What, to test out your instructions?

HUGH: No, because my heart will have exploded.

ELOISE: Mine does that every time I look into your eyes.

HUGH: Smooth.

ELOISE: I can't see any postbox yet. What does the book say?

HUGH: St. Andrews. They build a monastery here in the eighth century to house parts of St. Andrew.

ELOISE: Which parts?

HUGH: Uh, his arm, three fingers, and a tooth.

ELOISE: I guess they'd given away two fingers already.

HUGH: Those are digits that the Scots seem to use frequently.

ELOISE: Should we?

HUGH: Wait. They got his kneecap as well.

ELOISE: They could have rebuilt him. Robo-saint!

HUGH: It was also home to the third oldest university in the English-speaking world, a popular destination for students from England.

ELOISE: Isn't golf a big thing here?

HUGH: I was trying to skip that bit.

ELOISE: There's a golf course there, right between the town and the sea. The Old Course, isn't it? It's a big deal for some reason.

HUGH: I don't want to talk about it. I hate golfers.

ELOISE: Eh?

HUGH: Talking about their clubs, and their handicaps and caddies, and "playing through," and how the wind was, and the nineteenth hole, and that bloody scene in Goldfinger.

The worst is the clothes! Polo shirts, pastel, tartan, trousers! Little white visors, tank tops, and cardigans with diamond patterns. Look at these shops behind us. Half a dozen of them, all selling this shit!

ELOISE: Stop ranting and look over there. Are those people, just standing?

HUGH: They're bloody zoms! People so boring in life that even after they turned, they can't think of anything better to do than hang around some fairway with a sand wedge.

ELOISE: They actually are wearing the kind of clothes you described!

HUGH: Told you!

ELOISE: Here's a letter from Kirsty, and she says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, like yourselves, I live with my partner. We have a defensible home, access to food and water, and we have repelled three zombie swarms to date."

HUGH: Well done, Kirsty!

ELOISE: Indeed! "The only fly in the ointment is that I crave a bit of time for myself. I used to go for long walks, but that's not really practical when at any point, you may be chased, bitten, infected, and killed. We only leave the house together for safety, and it is making me quite irritable. How do you handle this, and what do you recommend?"

HUGH: I can't say it's ever been a problem for us, Kirsty.

ELOISE: Hugh, we have a responsibility to our listeners to tell the truth! Kirsty, he gets the hump all the time. My biggest problem is working out whether he wants me to go away for a bit, or slide over and deal with you know what.

HUGH: I don't think Kirsty wants to hear about that.

ELOISE: Truth is, no matter how much you love someone, you need time for yourself. If walking is out, can you find a working vehicle? Even a little moped would give you the taste of fresh air and solitude you're craving.

HUGH: They're not hard to maintain, either.

ELOISE: Personally, I like charity shops. You know what you're getting in department stores or supermarkets, but in charity shops, you can find anything – clothes, books, CDs, things you don't even know what they are. Every small town has two or three, and sometimes a whole street of them! When I get cranky, I get Hugh to watch the street, and I break into a few charity shops and have a good rake through.

HUGH: It's true. She does do that.

ELOISE: And the best is now, you can get into the back shop, can't you? All those little stories of people's lives in the bags they packed up and threw away... So that's my recommendation: a moped and a charity shop.

HUGH: Sounds like retirement.

ELOISE: Just don't take all the good stuff, dear, all right?

HUGH: And check your tire pressure!

ELOISE: Thank you, Hugh.

ELOISE: Scotland's a lovely place and all, but I'll be pleased to get back across the border.

HUGH: You missed it, love. It was about a mile back, when we swerved to avoid them shamblers.

ELOISE: When I had to grab for the pots and pans?

HUGH: Yeah. Did anything get damaged?

ELOISE: The big frying pan landed on the Ritz crackers.

HUGH: Oh, I'm sorry, Eloise. You can still pour the crumbs into your mouth.

ELOISE: It's not the same. Wait, is this Berwick? That's in Scotland.

HUGH: No, it isn't. Check the book.

ELOISE: Hmm. I'll give you the full history. 11th century, it's Scottish, called South Berwick. But in 1174, William I of Scotland invades northern England, and has to give up Berwick when he's defeated. Then Richard I of England sells it back to him.

HUGH: Right.

ELOISE: Then in 1296, England goes to war with France. Scotland invades England again. Edward I of England captures Berwick.

HUGH: Right...

ELOISE: In 1318, the Scots besiege it and capture it. 15 years after that, the English capture it back.

HUGH: This is making my head hurt.

ELOISE: Margeret of Anjou gives it back during the War of the Roses. Then in 1482, Richard III captures it back for England.

HUGH: Anjou. Anjou.

ELOISE: So it's English.

HUGH: Right.

ELOISE: But the football team plays in the Scottish leagues.

HUGH: Not anymore.

ELOISE: There's interesting stuff here. We ought to have a look around.

HUGH: Too late. After all that history, we're already on the road out.

ELOISE: Damn it! Now I want a cracker.

ELOISE: "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I live in a small community of about 20 people. Of course, people have paired off. My question is, shouldn't we practice free love in order to repopulate the earth? Yours sincerely, Derek."

HUGH: I get the feeling that Derek might be single.

ELOISE: Shut up, you. Well, Derek, it's not an easy question, and you're not asking the right people. Me and Hugh decided not to have kids.

HUGH: And that's how she retained the fresh bloom of youth.

ELOISE: Hugh, sometimes you say things that are lovely and creepy at the same time. Derek, of course we need a new generation, but it still has to be a woman's choice whether to get pregnant. Your question kind of implies that you believe it shouldn't be a choice.

HUGH: Don't imply that, Derek. She'll come around and see you, and not in a sexy way.

ELOISE: Expectant mothers are like doctors – you shouldn't risk them. So while you've got pregnant women in the community, your fighting strength is reduced. You're not helping the human race if you produce new kids but your security isn't up to it.

HUGH: It's like football.

ELOISE: Well, this ought to be good.

HUGH: It's a question of numbers. The whole struggle for the human race is to maintain their numbers and stamp out the zombies.

ELOISE: I'm not immediately seeing how that's like football.

HUGH: You've never watched Bradford City play at home. What I mean is, there's a scoreboard. Every time a human [?] a zombie, the zombie score goes down one. But every time a zombie lands a bite, the zombie score goes up one, and the human score goes down one. So the zombies have a mathematical advantage.

ELOISE: That is nothing like football!

HUGH: Well, it's not like you answered his question, either. You just went off on a big thing about mothers and how great they are.

ELOISE: He just wanted me to agree with him so the next time he harasses some girl, he can say, "The lady off the radio agrees with me!"

HUGH: I should have said it was like tennis.

ELOISE: What?

HUGH: Free love. Get it?

ELOISE: No.

HUGH: Free love. Like, when one guy has three points and the other has none -

ELOISE: That's forty love.

[HUGH sighs]

HUGH: At least I'll get another Dick Francis.

ELOISE: We've got to look at something else this time. Every time we come to Alnwick, it's straight into the book shop, get spooked, there's a zombie at the back, run to the van and split, and we never look at the castle or nothing!

HUGH: There was a zombie in the loo that time.

ELOISE: That wasn't a zombie. That was just some unfortunate lady who had died on the toilet in the bookshop.

HUGH: You remember it because Elvis died that way.

ELOISE: We never moved her, either, so she'll still be there.

HUGH: Waiting for us, reading on the loo.

ELOISE: Maybe I don’t need new books after all.

HUGH: We should have flushed, at least. What's the guide say about Alnwick?

ELOISE: Alnwick is the best place to live in Britain, according to Country Life magazine in 2002.

HUGH: Well, they need to update that. I just saw a leg sticking out of a bin.

ELOISE: But it's in the bin. It shows you that their civic pride survived the zombie apocalypse.

HUGH: What about the castle?

ELOISE: Last time they shot at us.

HUGH: What about the history?

ELOISE: The Scots attacked it in the 11th -

HUGH: Forget it. Find us one thing in this town we've never seen before.

ELOISE: There's a pub has the original lounge and staircase from the Titanic's sister ship. Mirrors, carvings, ceiling, all in the Louis XV style.

HUGH: Does it have beer?

ELOISE: Probably.

HUGH: I'm sold.

ELOISE: If you want to do it, you better start now.

HUGH: Are you up for it?

ELOISE: Yeah. Yeah, of course.

HUGH: Okay. We've had a letter that says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, we never send out runners after dark, but you must spend most nights out there unprotected. How do you survive? Yours faithfully, Linda."

ELOISE: Why are you whispering?

HUGH: Because it's... I don't know. I just am. Good question, Linda. Now, we screwed up this quite a bit in the early days, and never got any sleep. We were driving about looking like zoms ourselves until we figured it out.

The thing is, zoms aren't interested in parked vans, are they? What they like is the smell of people, or movement, or light, or sound. So all you have to do is not give them any of that.

First step, pick a spot. You want somewhere with as much visibility as possible. No hiding places, and plenty of exit routes. Forget corn fields and wooded clearings and big hedges and that. Supermarket car parks are great. You stop and kill the engine. It takes a while to cool down and you have to keep an eye out. No lights, neither.

Next, the smell. Obviously, you keep your windows shut, but the best disguise is to have something that smells stronger than you do. We've had a few over the last year. Manure was good while we were growing on the roof. [?] all right, but you need a ton of them. At the moment, we've got a box of Stilton, well past its date. Zoms can't stand it. It stinks out the van a bit, so I tie it to the roof. Seems to work. Your mileage may vary, as they say.

Finally, Linda, last thing: try not to talk after dark. Chances are you've chatted all day, so you'll be happy to keep it quiet. If you've followed all the other steps, a small army of zoms can walk past and ignore you. Just make sure you maintain total... silence. [ELOISE snores] ... Um, Eloise. Love?

HUGH: Want me to drive?

ELOISE: No. Just entertain me for a bit.

HUGH: Uh... what's made of brass, and sounds like Tom Jones?

ELOISE: Trombones.

HUGH: Did I tell you that one before? Okay. What's colorful and smart?

ELOISE: A brainbow. Hugh, jokes ain't going to work, because neither of us has heard any new ones in a year! Read me something out of the book. Are we going to Durham?

HUGH: Durham. Hold on. [turns pages] This sounds good. Apparently, Durham was founded by divine intervention.

ELOISE: I'm up for that.

HUGH: They were carrying St. Cuthbert around 300 years after his death.

ELOISE: Why were they? Oh, never mind. Carry on.

HUGH: His body came to a miraculous halt at the bottom of some hill.

ELOISE: This van's done that on a couple of times.

HUGH: So they fasted for three days, and St. Cuthbert appeared to them and he said, "Move my body to Dunholme" and they said, "Uh, we don't know where that is," but he were gone. So they asked the first person they met.

ELOISE: Who was - ?

HUGH: A milk maid.

ELOISE: Of course.

HUGH: And she said, "I'll show you where that is. I'm looking for my cow." So they recognized this as a sign from the saint, and they followed her to a [?], then they build Durham Cathedral.

ELOISE: Just like that.

HUGH: Just like that.

ELOISE: And did they find the cow?

HUGH: Doesn't say.

ELOISE: All right. Try one more joke.

HUGH: What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

ELOISE: Hey, I don't know!

HUGH: Grains!

HUGH: This is from Aiden. He says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, these are scary times. What are your greatest fears?" You want to go first?

ELOISE: Not sure I want to answer it at all.

HUGH: I'll take it. Well, Aiden, you're quite right that these are scary times, and sometimes the worst thing is your own imagination. For instance, I sometimes imagine that there is a guy out there who wants to kill me with a truck.

ELOISE: You what?

HUGH: I've never seen him, but one day when we were sleeping, he snuck up on us and placed a small transmitter on the van so wherever we go, he can track us down.

ELOISE: I can tell you, as an engineer, that is a lot more complicated than they make it in the movies.

HUGH: He's a psychopath or sociopath or whatever, so the fall of civilization has actually been a good thing for him, because it enables him to express his natural murderous urges without interference from the apparatus of society.

ELOISE: You've really thought about this, haven't you?

HUGH: He took against me for some small reason. Maybe it was because I wear my hats, or because of the color I painted the van. But he decided then that he was going to put everything else on hold until he killed me with a giant truck.

ELOISE: Uh...

HUGH: So he found an 18-wheeler in some motorway service station and he taught himself to drive it. But that wasn't enough for him. He started welding things onto it.

ELOISE: Hugh...

HUGH: Two or three extra horns so that when he honks it, it sounds like a chord of death! A bank of red lights along the top of the cab so he can make it look like hell when he comes for me. All these extra pipes and bits just to make the truck look evil.

And along the front, he sticks row upon row of old railings with the spiky bits forward. It's like a grill of slaughter. And when he hits roadkill, animals or zoms, he leaves the corpses hanging there, decaying.

And on the day he comes, he'll aim for the van with his juggernaut of death, and if I don't get killed in the crash, or my vital organs impaled, he's assembled this toolkit he always keeps in the cab, and he'll bring it out, and come around to the van door, and -

ELOISE: Hugh! Quit it, you're scaring me!

HUGH: Sorry, love. What was, uh, what was your fear?

ELOISE: Zombies, you wazzock!

ELOISE: Bobby's written in, and he says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I can't seem to meet the right person. How did you meet and fall for each other?"

HUGH: Ah. Heady days.

ELOISE: Bobby, thanks for your letter. In fact, it was letters that brought us together. You know that Hugh was a postman? Well, in the old days, he had a reputation for being the fastest postie in town. He'd get the bag and hare off down the street.

HUGH: Professionalism, see?

ELOISE: Professionalism, my ass. He wanted to get to the bookies for the first race at Haydock Park, didn't he?

There was one day he had a rip in his bag, and a letter fell out. I was walking behind him, and I picked it up. Then another fell out. He started leaving a trail behind him like a snail. So I shouted at him, but he had his music on, and he couldn't hear. I chased him, but he was really fast, and I had to keep stopping to pick up these letters.

You could see him thinking, "Wow, I must be shit-hot today, there's hardly any letters in my bag." And here I'm stumbling after him, and the Royal Mail dropping out of my grip left and right. And when I finally caught up to him, I was out of breath, and I yelled at him at the top of my voice.

HUGH: She was like Helen of Troy.

ELOISE: And he didn't go to the bookies that day. He brought me lunch.

HUGH: Lovely story. Of course, that wasn't what happened at all.

ELOISE: You tell it, then.

HUGH: You know Eloise was a telecomms engineer? Well, she was up on this roof in the wind, see, fighting with an aerial, and I see her, and I think, "She's brave, balancing up there."

And it starts raining, so all the slates are getting wet, and she's still wrestling with this aerial. But she's got this set to her chin that says she's not coming down until she's nailed it. And the wind keeps picking up and she's shaking the cable, and it's raining cats and dogs now, and she's shouting at the thing.

ELOISE: Professionalism, see?

HUGH: And I see it coming, and I rush across the road, and there's one big gust of wind, and woof! She slides straight off the roof, and I'm right under there to catch her. She looks at me, like, "Who's this guy?" I wanted to take her to the hospital, but she insisted on going right back up there, so the only way I could stop her was to ask her out.

ELOISE: [laughs] He was always a charmer. Well, Aiden, I hope that answers your question. Two for the price of one. Hugh, come over here for a minute.

HUGH: Yes, my love.

ELOISE: This is a nice spot. We're in Whitby, overlooking the river mouth and the sands. The abbey's up on the hill, and it's all very scenic. We checked all the postboxes and there's no letters, so it's good old-fashioned seaside holiday for me and Hugh today!

HUGH: Everybody must be dead.

ELOISE: Or perhaps they don't listen to our program. Or perhaps they don't have any problems because they're all perfectly happy.

HUGH: Nah, they're all dead. You can tell! No defenses or nothing. That big posh hotel up on the hill's probably full of decomposing bodies.

ELOISE: I was going to suggest we spend the night in that hotel as a special treat.

HUGH: Uh, that'd be great.

ELOISE: Forget it. Couldn't you focus on the sunshine, the bandstand, the harbor, or something?

HUGH: Well, look on the bright side. No survivors means no zombies. Probably.

ELOISE: Well, my next suggestion was that we go for a refreshing paddle, but now I'm going to be watching my back, aren't I? Any other seaside pleasures you'd like to stamp all over in your dirty great army boots?

HUGH: How about I go and get you an ice cream?

ELOISE: Well, that'd be lovely, apart from the fact that, as a milk-based product, any ice cream's been sitting without refrigeration for at least two summers.

HUGH: I always wanted to go to the Whitby Museum.

ELOISE: Hugh, you wanted to go to a museum?

HUGH: They've got a Hand of Glory.

ELOISE: Is that another ice cream?

HUGH: It's the pickled right hand of a murderer.

ELOISE: Hugh, what?

HUGH: They cut it off while he's still hanging from the gallows. Burglars burn the fingers like candles to send their victims to sleep.

ELOISE: We come to the seaside on a glorious day after the fall of civilization, and what you want to see is a dead hand?

HUGH: A pickled hand. Of a murderer. What?

ELOISE: Any luck?

HUGH: Nah.

ELOISE: That's twenty streets and two petrol stations, for how much?

HUGH: Maybe half a gallon.

ELOISE: Another dry town. This is going to keep happening.

HUGH: We've still got our stash -

ELOISE: I don't know what you mean, Hugh! And neither do our listeners.

HUGH: Oh. Oh! You're right.

ELOISE: We need a plan for when the fuel runs out.

HUGH: We can get from Land's End to John o' Groats twice on what's in the back.

ELOISE: And then what?

HUGH: Um...

ELOISE: Our system's based on movement! Food from fields and gardens, extras from little forgotten shops. When we stop moving, it all breaks down, and the zoms get closer!

HUGH: Did I wake up this morning with Eloise, the herald of doom?

ELOISE: The herald of thinking ahead! Why are you not bothered about this?

HUGH: Every day with you is -

ELOISE: Oh, stick it! What are we going to do when there's no fuel left?

HUGH: Long before that, you're going to find us a little retirement palace. If you don't, well, we'll go out in style. Together.

ELOISE: Go out in style?

HUGH: We'll load the van up with explosives and use the last of the petrol to drive it into the base of a zombie mastermind.

ELOISE: Like Bonnie and Clyde.

HUGH: Just like Bonnie and Clyde.

ELOISE: I don't think the zombies have a mastermind.

HUGH: Does it matter?

ELOISE: Guess not.

HUGH: It's an early start today with a letter from Lorraine. She says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I used to enjoy a hot croissant in the morning. What are the special breakfasts that you miss in these challenging times?"

ELOISE: Ooh, I could go a croissant. They're about two thirds butter already, and I like to smear every piece with butter.

HUGH: And that's how she's kept her heart healthy all these years.

ELOISE: You never cared much about breakfast, did you?

HUGH: I wouldn't say that. I sometimes miss cereal. Them nice mueslis with the weird things in them.

ELOISE: Like that bug you found in the -

HUGH: Not bugs! Weird things like papaya and loganberry.

ELOISE: You know what we're missing for both of these?

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: Fresh milk. We sometimes get the UHT stuff, but it's not the same.

HUGH: The fresh stuff all spoiled long ago.

ELOISE: Yeah. But the cows are still there. Think you could milk one?

HUGH: Yeah, no problem.

ELOISE: There's a field right back there.

HUGH: Oh.

ELOISE: Get the bucket out the back, then!

HUGH: All right. [parks van, opens door]

ELOISE: Squeeze it, Hugh! [cow moos, HUGH shouts] Oh my God! [laughs]

HUGH: Drive! Drive, drive! Drive!

ELOISE: Did you get any, then? [laughs]

HUGH: Burton Agnes. Burton Agnes. Burton Agnes.

ELOISE: Oh God, not this again.

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: You want to go somewhere because you think the name sounds funny.

HUGH: I don't know what you're talking about.

ELOISE: You were like this about Leonard Stanley on the way up, and remember what we found there? Nothing. A pack of zoms that chased us all the way up to the M5.

HUGH: Well, you must admit, Leonard Stanley sounds like some kind of New York character actor.

ELOISE: So you said.

HUGH: Young fashionable bearded detective who everyone ignores at the back of the precinct house. But occasionally he provides a seemingly irrelevant observation that is the key to cracking this week's case.

ELOISE: So you said, and we were no sooner out of there than you got obsessed with [?].

HUGH: Well, I wanted to find out what a [?] was.

ELOISE: And did you?

HUGH: No.

ELOISE: Because you got freaked out by the hedges.

HUGH: It's not natural, is it? Humanity gets wiped out, vicious pillagers roaming the land, and what do they do? They trim their hedges nice and square. It isn't normal. It's suspicious.

ELOISE: And before that, there was Westley Waterless.

HUGH: All them ponds. What was that about?

ELOISE: They were flooded fields! It had, after all, rained for two days straight, and you seemed to be expecting the Sahara Desert.

HUGH: It was a big disappointment.

ELOISE: As was Quaking Houses.

HUGH: I watched those bastards for 45 minutes. There was a moment I thought they were leaning. It was just clouds moving behind them.

ELOISE: So never mind Burton Agnes.

HUGH: Okay, you're right. We'll turn here. We're going to Cherry Burton instead!

ELOISE: Oh no!

HUGH: They might have pie.

ELOISE: Ah, a classic question this time. Vijay writes in from just outside Hull, and he says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, what with living in a 45 dormitory with 8 other people, and all our food being canned vegetables, and only being able to take a hot shower once a fortnight, and all the unexpected leaps out of bed to repel zombie attacks and shoveling up steaming human organs at three in the morning, the romance has gone out of my relationship. Can you suggest something I could do to freshen things up?"

HUGH: Vijay, I hear you, my man. This whole zombie situation has forced the romantics among us to redefine our toolsets.

ELOISE: Stay tuned, this is going to be a classic.

HUGH: The first thing to do is work within the practicalities. For advice on that, I'm handing over to Eloise.

ELOISE: Cop out.

HUGH: Get on with it.

ELOISE: Truly, you are one of the romantics among us.

HUGH: Get on with it!

ELOISE: Well, Vijay, everybody defines romance a little differently, but I think the essence of it is being thoughtful and doing something special for your partner.

HUGH: It's not all flowers and balconies anymore, but I've got to tell you, Vijay, both these things are easy to come by now, and they're free.

ELOISE: Thank you, Hugh. The point is, you have to make time for the two of you away from the daily grind. What you do is almost secondary to making the effort.

HUGH: She says that, but I want to assure you that if you do the wrong thing, you'll hear all about it.

ELOISE: Hugh, if you don't shut up, I'm going to hand back to you to answer this question!

HUGH: I'm shutting up.

ELOISE: Perhaps things have become too safe in your 45 dormitory, and you need to take a run together to find a place which is special to you, and take some time away from the others. Perhaps pack a special picnic, even if it's just your favorite canned vegetable. Hell, you could take a bath in a freezing river together and shriek like hyenas! Yes, all that is a risk, but life is a risk, and there's a reason the great romantic stories are not about people playing by the rules.

HUGH: On the other hand, don't get yourself chomped by zombies.

ELOISE: I think that covers it. Thank you for your question!

HUGH: Do write in again.

ELOISE: Remind me why we're doing this?

HUGH: The bridge is blocked with abandoned cars, but the van'll fit through this old train tunnel.

ELOISE: That's not the whole story. You've got one of your weird psychological plans going on.

HUGH: I don't know what you mean!

ELOISE: I told you about that time when I was a kid, and I got lost in the tunnel.

HUGH: I don't remember.

ELOISE: Yes, you do. We were on some tunnel walk and I lost hold of my mom's hand, and I freaked out in the total darkness.

HUGH: Oh! I do remember that story.

ELOISE: And this is your way of getting me over it with some weird situationist therapy or something.

HUGH: This is my way of getting us across the river.

ELOISE: So why don't we have the lights on?

HUGH: Call it a whim.

ELOISE: Call it Mister Amateur Psychotherapist.

HUGH: Honestly, love, it's nothing like that. I'm just driving the van down a tunnel for a change.

ELOISE: With no lights?

HUGH: With no lights.

ELOISE: That's stupid.

HUGH: Think about this: we live outside. I know we have a van, but essentially, we're campers living beneath the stars. It's nice, right? But deep in the human psyche is a primitive need for enclosed space, for darkness. It's why our ancestors settled in caves, why people hide under the bed during a storm. See it as a temporary return to the womb.

ELOISE: Turn on the lights for a minute.

HUGH: All right, but you can't just -

[zombies roar, ELOISE and HUGH scream, tires squeal]

ELOISE: You moppet.

HUGH: Fair point, fair point!

HUGH: We got a good crop at the last place.

ELOISE: Potatoes?

HUGH: No, letters. Here's one from Ida. She says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I am 73 - "

ELOISE: That's not a problem, Ida. Remember that -

HUGH: There's more to come.

ELOISE: Oh, sorry.

HUGH: "I'm 73, and I bloody hate my neighbors. There's this smartass with a Gatling gun who fires it off every night. I'm a bit deaf anyway, but his tracer ammo lights up my bedroom when I'm trying to sleep.

ELOISE: Uh, right.

HUGH: Also, this other little bastard that breeds attack dogs for zombie defense and lets them roam free. I've had to fend them off with my umbrella more than once, and now it's all torn, so I get soaked when I go on my supply runs.

ELOISE: Supply runs?

HUGH: She says something further on about having a bicycle. I don't think it's an actually run.

ELOISE: So what's her question?

HUGH: She wants to know if we'll help her relocate. Like, pick her up.

ELOISE: Ah. Um...

HUGH: She's got a lot of stuff, apparently.

ELOISE: Well...

HUGH: A lot of stuff. Valuable old newspapers, Victorian decanters, a nearly complete collection of royal -

ELOISE: Ida, one of the harsh truths about the new society we are building is that we have to be able to let our material possessions go. You're free to leave any time with only what can fit in your bike basket. Take a long look at this other stuff that's holding you back, and decide if you really need it. You do that, and drop us a line next time we're around.

HUGH: We could -

ELOISE: Thanks for your question, Ida. That concludes our program for today. [audio clicks] I don't want to drive around with some foul-mouthed, deaf old biddy we don't know.

HUGH: You didn't press the button right. We're still transmitting.

ELOISE: Shit. [audio cuts off]

ELOISE: Now, as we've been driving around the country, we've picked up a lot of simply queries, so we've saved them up, and we're going to have a quickfire episode! Right, Hugh?

HUGH: Your pile's bigger than mine.

ELOISE: That's because you read slowly.

HUGH: It's true.

ELOISE: Ready? First question: "What's the best place to live now?"

HUGH: Well, the islands are a good choice because you'll get less wandering zoms. Although we have heard that they can survive underwater. Well, not survive, exactly, but you know what I mean. The disadvantage of being on the islands is that you have a restricted pool of stores that you can forage from. There's fishing, of course, but then we're back to these zoms that -

ELOISE: Hugh! It's a quickfire episode. You have to answer quickly.

HUGH: Oh, right. Uh, Milton Keynes.

ELOISE: What? Why Milton Keynes?

HUGH: I was under pressure.

ELOISE: Brighton's still nice. Next question.

HUGH: Right. Uh, "Are the swimming pools still filled?"

ELOISE: Yes, some of them. But some have zombies in them.

HUGH: And trust me, you don't need to see a zombie in Speedos. Next question.

ELOISE: "Is it worth finding a generator to power up my TV?"

HUGH: No. Read a book. Next question: "What is the most fun you've had on your travels?"

ELOISE: We made bottle rockets and fired them off the Cliffs of Dover! Next question: "Are you guys cannibals?"

HUGH: No. Next question: "Don't you get cold at night?"

ELOISE: Yes. Next question: "What are your little treats these days?"

HUGH: Every day with Eloise is a treat.

ELOISE: Now and then, Hugh takes a nap. Next question.

HUGH: "What are essential camper van supplies?"

ELOISE: Duvet, food, water, fuel.

HUGH: Music, sunglasses, beer, cool hat.

ELOISE: [imitates buzzer sound] That concludes our quickfire episode!

HUGH: I need to lie down.

HUGH: Garden needs a bit of work.

ELOISE: That just means it's been abandoned for a long time.

HUGH: Zoms could be living there.

ELOISE: Zoms are dead.

HUGH: Hmm, fair point.

ELOISE: What do you really think of it?

HUGH: Well, roof looks sound. It's on a hill, which means you can see movement from miles around. Singular approach up a narrow track. Pretty defensible. And there's space for a vegetable patch and a chicken coop. And you can see the sea. You always wanted that.

ELOISE: So you like it?

HUGH: It's as good as we've seen.

ELOISE: But do you like it?

HUGH: It's okay.

ELOISE: Oh, you never commit to these things!

HUGH: Take a look! I'll keep the engine running. [starts van]

ELOISE: Right. [opens door]

HUGH: Eloise does this every three months. It's like a chime goes off in her head and says, "Find a place to live and stop driving around." It's always something like this – little cottage with moss on the walls, somewhere you can light a fire for the evening and put your welly boots on the porch.

She'll be all domestic and lovey-dovey for a fortnight, and then she'll start complaining that she feels cooped up. In a month, we'll be back on the road, mark my words.

As it happens, there's always something not right. Once, the taps where the wrong way around. Once, it was the feng shui. And this one time – hold on, here she comes. [van door opens, ELOISE sighs] No good?

ELOISE: Family slaughtered inside. Blood all the way up the walls. Zombie head in the sink for some reason, looking up at me.

HUGH: Move on, then?

ELOISE: Move on.

HUGH: Brian writes in, and he says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, my partner and I have had a baby, Jennifer. She was eight pounds at birth and she has her grandmother's eyes.

ELOISE: Oh, that's nice!

HUGH: Yes, it is. But Brian says, "She cries a lot, especially at night. I know it is a normal part of my child's development, and we have to learn to leave her be, but I am worried that the constant wailing will attract zombies in the night. I keep having nightmares about them breaking in and chewing her up like a footlong sandwich. Can you suggest anything we can do?"

ELOISE: Uh...

HUGH: That's quite a visual image, that sandwich thing.

ELOISE: Yeah... I, um... I feel a bit uncomfortable answering questions about kids.

HUGH: Don't say that, love. You're very good at handling them.

ELOISE: I don't think clipping them around the ear when they're rude counts.

HUGH: I certainly feel grateful there is no obvious police presence in most of the places we visit.

ELOISE: The baby's too young to reason with, so I guess you need to... wrap her up in something at night to muffle the noise, like a big hamper or a duvet.

HUGH: Remember air holes. Breathing is very important.

ELOISE: Yes. Thanks for your letter, Jennifer.

HUGH: The baby's Jennifer. It was Brian who wrote in.

ELOISE: Well, you answer the question if you're so damn smart!

HUGH: Brian, you have to channel your inner muso. Set up the baby's room like a recording studio: heavy curtains everywhere, soft furnishings, bass traps in the corners. Easiest thing to do is visit some farm where everyone's dead, and take all the big egg boxes, then nail them to every wall. Most of the sound'll get absorbed, and with a bit of luck, Jennifer grows up to be something of a vocalist. All right? Thanks for your question.

ELOISE: That was quite a good answer.

HUGH: Now you give us a song, love.

ELOISE: Ah, this looks like another one about food.

HUGH: I could do with a pie.

ELOISE: Philip writes in and he says -

HUGH: Chicken, I think. With that nice sauce you used to make.

ELOISE: What sauce?

HUGH: In the chicken pies.

ELOISE: Ah. That sauce.

HUGH: What do you mean, "that sauce"?

ELOISE: Nothing. Philip writes -

HUGH: You're doing that suspicious thing again with your nose.

ELOISE: Eh?

HUGH: You flared your nostrils. It means you're putting one over on me.

ELOISE: No, no! Back to Philip's question -

HUGH: What is it? What was in that sauce? Why are you being weird about it?

ELOISE: That sauce was... well, kind of spontaneous, and since you liked it so much, I just kept using it.

HUGH: What do you mean, "spontaneous"?

ELOISE: Well, it was just, well...

HUGH: Spit it out!

ELOISE: It was just cream of chicken soup.

HUGH: Hey?

ELOISE: One time, I didn't have time to make a sauce, so I just poured in a can of chicken soup. And you went on about how great it was.

HUGH: Oh. I didn't know I was so cheap.

ELOISE: Sorry, love.

HUGH: What's the question?

ELOISE: Philip says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, we have exhausted our stocks of canned vegetables, so we're going back to meat. We figure that since the apocalypse is here, there's no point in being weird about cannibalism, so we plan to eat the fresher meat from the zombies we kill. Can you recommend any recipes?"

HUGH: Uh...

ELOISE: Don't eat zombie meat. Are you insane? One bite and you'll turn.

HUGH: You could always pour a can of chicken soup on it.

ELOISE: Well, we've got a very different show for you today. Marianne's written in from Stibbington, and her problem is she doesn't have playtesters for a game she's devised, so we're going to be the first players. Right, Hugh?

HUGH: Can't talk. Zombies. Concentrating.

ELOISE: Oh, come on. You can handle this kind of mob in your sleep.

HUGH: Lean this way!

ELOISE: The trouble with this game is that you've got to be rather close to a great deal of zombies to make it work.

HUGH: We better be getting a percentage for this.

ELOISE: As I understand it, she's going to distribute it free through Rofflenet.

HUGH: There goes another chunk of my pension. Why don't you explain the rules, and then we can – [zombie growls, tires squeal] Whoa!

ELOISE: Right. It's zombie bingo! I think to be safe, you need a vehicle to play it from.

HUGH: Bloody tank would be ideal.

ELOISE: Hugh's not dissing the concept, Marianne, he's just looking at practical details.

HUGH: Explain the rules.

ELOISE: You get a bingo card listing zombies to spot. For instance: one eye, or dog chewing zombie leg, or - here's a tough one - bone protruding from left shoulder.

HUGH: I think I see that one.

ELOISE: Really, where?

HUGH: Right ahead – [tires squeal] right behind us.

ELOISE: There are a lot of bones protruding there.

HUGH: Not initially.

ELOISE: So that covers it, really. Cross off all your zombie sightings, and you get to shout, "House!"

HUGH: Can we quit now?

ELOISE: As long as we're here, we might as well finish the card.

HUGH: What do we need?

ELOISE: Just one more. Zombie cheerleader. [HUGH sighs]

HUGH: Here's a letter from Nigel. Nigel, may I compliment you on your fine penmanship? As a time served postal worker, I can tell you that, while legibility is important, the occasional piece of elegant script is a cultural moment in an otherwise mechanical day.

ELOISE: You want me to turn back so you two can get a room?

HUGH: You know you've spoiled me for other men, my love.

ELOISE: That was so nearly a compliment, and then it was suddenly a mile away.

HUGH: Would you like to hear Nigel's question?

ELOISE: Certainly.

HUGH: Nigel says, in an immaculately presented letter, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I hear about people trying to rebuild society. However, it seems like my neighbors and I spend all our time keeping zombies at bay and making do with the few supplies we can obtain. We rarely make progress.

Of course, I hope the zombie scourge can be overcome in our lifetime, but what if it can't? What should we – selfishly, perhaps – be doing to prepare for our old age? In other words, what's my pension in this new world?"

ELOISE: A very thoughtful question.

HUGH: I knew it was going to be good when I saw the handwriting.

ELOISE: There's a number of answers to that, Nigel. One isn't very nice, so I'll give you it first: the truth is, all our life expectations dropped by 20 years when the zoms appeared. Even if you don't get bitten, you'll probably get something you need treated in hospital, and there aren't many open now, so preparing for old age is not the priority it used to be.

HUGH: I thought I was the pessimistic one.

ELOISE: A nicer way to look at it is that you've already invested in your future by building community. The fact you mentioned cooperating with your neighbors is a sign that you're with a group who'll look after you when the chips are down.

HUGH: Or your hips are [?].

ELOISE: Pardon?

HUGH: I don't know. I was just thinking about hip operations and it rhymed.

ELOISE: Nigel, get the right people around you, and look after your neighbors. And that's your pension. All right, love? I think you'll be fine.

HUGH: What about these stashes we hide around the country?

ELOISE: Remember we agreed not to mention that on-air?

HUGH: Oh yeah, right!

ELOISE: We're nearly done for today, and Hugh is driving us through a misty morning to doom and disaster.

HUGH: Is that where we're going? I missed the sign post.

ELOISE: Our final letter is from Sandra, and she says – hmm.

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: Oh dear. Sandra writes, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I am going to kill myself. I am quite serious about this. I have worked it all out. I have seen too many of my friends bitten by zombies and turned. I saw one in particular go. Billy. Everything that made him Billy was twisted and ruined when he changed. I still see the image of his face after they shot him. I see it all the time.

I can't face being bitten and turning gray. Becoming that thing that Billy did and being shot by my friends. I've been feeling a little happier lately, and I think this is the time to end it. I can't tell anybody here, or they will stop me doing it.

I really like your program and I just wanted you to know before I did it. I wanted somebody to know. I'll listen in this one last time."

Now, Sandra, listen to me. You don't do anything hasty! There are people working on a cure! You don't know -

HUGH: Eloise, leave this to me, love.

ELOISE: Okay.

HUGH: Hello, Sandra. It's Hugh here. Let me tell you something that happened to me a few years ago. I was having trouble in the loo. A big effort to produce a tiny little stream, so I went to the doc, and he sent me to a special doc. This one checked out my gentleman's area and said my prostate was enlarged. I had to look up what that was. They cut a bit out, and checked, and it was the big C. Cancer. And it was quite bad. Well, my dad died from cancer.

The urologist woman said they could just watch it. They could do the radioactive thing, or I could have surgery. I tell you, Sandra, I'm stone cold terrified of surgery. I looked over at Eloise and saw how pale she was, how she had her brave face on, and I knew I had to get it out. So I just closed my eyes and said, "Surgery."

ELOISE: Hugh...

HUGH: They cut the bad stuff out, and three weeks later, the zombie thing happened. If I'd have waited or gone for the slow treatment, I'd be dead! Okay, I've got my issues with the loo now and sex and stuff, but none of that really matters. Because I'll tell you, Sandra, when I looked death right in the face, I found that more than anything, I wanted to live, and spend as much time as I could with this woman and her crazy schemes.

Maybe you feel alone right now, Sandra, but you don't know what the future holds. And if you don't have the courage to stick at it, you might miss the best days of your life! [sighs] All right. Get the map, Eloise.

ELOISE: Where are we going?

HUGH: Anywhere you like, my love. We've got all day.

#zombies run #zrs4 #s4 radio #s4 radio part 4 #zr transcript

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call of duty world at war xbox 360

http://allcheatscodes.com/call-of-duty-world-at-war-xbox-360/

call of duty world at war xbox 360

World at War cheats & more for Xbox 360 (X360)

Cheats

Unlockables

Hints

Easter Eggs

Glitches

Guides

Achievements

Get the updated and latest Call of Duty: World at War cheats, unlockables, codes, hints, Easter eggs, glitches, tricks, tips, hacks, downloads, achievements, guides, FAQs, walkthroughs, and more for Xbox 360 (X360). AllCheatsCodes.com has all the codes you need to win every game you play!

Use the links above or scroll down to see all the Xbox 360 cheats we have available for Call of Duty: World at War.

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Official Title: Call of Duty: World at War

Also Known As: World at War: Call of Duty

Genre: Shooter, First-Person Shooter

Developer: Activision

Publisher: Activision

ESRB Rating: Mature

Release Date: November 11, 2008

Hints

How To Get Ray Gun In Naught Der Untoten

Wondering how you get the ray gun in the mystery box? Wait until the question mark turns gold. Anything close to gold may give you a very accurate gun.

Death Card Locations

Mission: Semper Fi (Eight of Hearts) :Location: At the very beginning after leaving the shack, you will see another shack to the right. The card is inside.

Mission: Little Resistance (Four of Clubs) : Location: At the end of the mission before going into the last building, look to the right. The card is in a corner of bushes.

Mission: Hard Landing (King of Hearts) :Location: About halfway through the mission you will see a big building with a mini-trench outside. Enter the building, and go into the lower level. The card is to the right when you go into the room with the stairs.

Mission: Vendetta (Five of Diamonds) : Location: After the sniper section at the first part of the mission, Reznov will lead you through a building. Follow the bar around to the end to find the card.

Mission: Their Land, Their Blood (Joker) :Location: Destroy the tanks, and go through the barn. Search the stalls to your right to find the card.

Mission: Burn ’em Out (Queen of Hearts) :Location: Just before the second mortar position is a bunker to the left. The card is inside.

Mission: Relentless (Nine of Diamonds) :Location: At the end of the mission, take either the left or right path. Eventually the paths will reconnect. The card is about halfway down the path.

Mission: Ring of Steel (Jack of Spades) : Location: Enter the asylum, the immediately go to the left. The card is in the far bottom left corner.

Mission: Eviction (Ace of Spades) : Location: During the first half of the mission, just after the kitchen area, you will eventually see a room to your right that has a large hole in it. Drop down to find the card.

Mission: Blowtorch & Corkscrew (Ten of Clubs) :Location: Go to the left as you move toward the second bunker. A Japanese soldier hanging upside down is near the card.

Mission: Breaking Point (Three of Diamonds) : Location: Clear all four mortar pits, then go to the small shack in the south of this area. The card is inside.

Mission: Heart of the Reich (Six of Clubs) :Location: The card is in the closed-off subway entrance across the street from the start of the mission.

Mission: Downfall (Two of Spades) : Location: Before you get to the theater, some of your allies will break through a door to your right. The card is past that door.

Secret Weapon

In the level “Little Resistance, ” there is a secret weapon called the ray gun. To get this weapon, cross the river right after sending in the rocket strike, and there will be a puddle on the very right, a puddle in the middle, a crater in the middle, and a puddle on the left. First jump into the puddle on the right, jump out. Next, jump into the puddle in the middle, jump out. Then jump into the crater next to it, jump out. Finally, jump into the puddle on the left until the screen starts shaking violently and voices start to talk. Four lions pop up up from the sand, each with a ray gun in their mouth.

How To Be Invincible In Nacht Der Untoten.

First this code works on Nacht Der Untoten and the third one of nazi zombies and also I think the other ones. First when you start (note: you have to be on 2 player or higher. ) when you start you have to have someone lay down in a corner anywhere as long as it isn’t high off the ground. Then the other person has too jump onto the other player on the ground and then the person on the ground has to stand up and then you will be invincible bu you can’t move from the corner or you will be not invincible.

Ray Gun On Level 2

When You get to the shore (beach) you’ll see these puddles, then step in them from smallest to biggest and in each puddle stay and wait for a couple of seconds. At the last puddle wait and then you’ll hear some strange voices and these lion things will come out of the ground with the ray guns in their mouths.

Deployable Infinate Ammo

If you have a deployable for one of the LMGs you can get infinite ammo. The only way this works is if you are laying down. While laying down deploy your gun then push up on the left stick and you will have infinite ammo.

Invisible Zombie Wall

When you first spawn if you look behind you there is a filing cabnet with sandbags on top right beside that is a piller, then about 5 feet to the right of that there is another piller with a missing slab of rock run jump and crouch in mid air right into the jole where the missing slab of rock was then the zombies shouldn’t be able to get you. To do this perfectly you must jump right before the 2 pillers in front of it.

More Than Two Guns?!

THIS IS FOR THE NEW ZOMBIE MAP. THE ONE THAT STARTS WITH A “V”.

Alright, so, once you have enough points and have unlocked the upstairs, (the one closest to the Juggernog)buy a Bouncing Betty. Now, I was taught to leave one Betty on the stairs and do the following for the second Betty- Go to a machine that has an item you have not bought yet. Place the Betty down and IMMEDIATELY buy the drink/item etc. Note: DO NOT SWITCH TO YOUR WEAPON JUST YET. At this point, you should be holding nothing (after you drank whatever you bought). You can either buy a weapon off the wall or one from the random box. Take whatever pops up, whether you like it or not. This is your third weapon. You can change it whenever you please. I believe you can continue this process as long as you have stuff you didn’t buy or enough Bouncing Bettys. One you die, you most likely will have to repeat the whole process.

Ray Gun in the ‘Little Resistance’ Mission

After the boat crashes, call in an air strike on the specific location. Run to the beach and move to the right. You will find a small puddle at the right side of the beach. Stand in it briefly and then move towards the middle of the beach to find a smaller puddle. Stand in that puddle briefly. Move towards the far left side of the beach. Stand briefly in the puddle in the barb wire. After several seconds, the screen will shake, and you will hear strange voices. Four giant lion statues will rise out of the ground with alien Ray Guns in their mouths.

Crawler Relief

On Nazi Zombies, if you are just permanently camping in a corner, but want to repair the barriers but there’s many zombies coming. What do you do? The barricades aren’t gonna repair themselves. So what you need to do is when there’s a few zombies at the end of the round, throw a grenade at their feet. Once it creates a few crawlers, kill all but one. Leave the crawler to try to get you. As he tries to get you, repair all the barricades. As long as there’s only the crawler, there will be no other zombies around. That way there’s more time than the short round beginnings. Make sure theres are 2 people because the crawler will be fast or slow. I’d recommend Nacht Der Untoten because of the grenade corner and close to Mystery Box. Doing this method will prevent a massive zombie attack. And remember: Every board counts.

Flamethrower Tip

When using a flamethrower, only tap an enemy with a flame and they will burn to death. However, in Nazi Zombies, they will burn slow, so be careful.

Brain Music

On nazi zombies der riese there are 3 brains in jars on the board. If you push x on all of them a radio will appear and hold x on that and boom you got music. The first 2 are in the trench gun room on shelves by the window. The other is in the room with grenades once you push x on the last one in the same exact room as the grenade one the radio will appear on the shelf.

How To Get 3 Guns On New Zombie Level

First things first you need to turn on the power then you need two get bouncing betties right next to the double tap machine put the bettie right on the piece of wood then set the other bettie right next to it then buy the drink run tothe mysterie box buy a gun and injoy the 3 guns.

Tip For 2 Players – Nazi Zombies

First, you must of have beaten the game. On nazi zombies (2 players) when you first start, last at least 5 rounds in the first room, that should be enough time for 3000 dollars each. Then go to the door with help on it open it then each player takes turns guarding each other so one of you can get the mystery gun then you guard the other person. If one of you gets a flamethrower and the other gets a machine gun (best if it is a chopper) then spend about 7 more rounds in that room. The guy with the flamethrower guards the outside and the guy with the machine gun guards the actual room. When those 7 rounds are up the go up stairs from that room. Go straight to the gernade corner and then. TRY TO STAY ALIVENote: It would really help if you had a back up machine gun to help. And. If you want to go back to the mystery box throw a bomb then all the zombies will fall and start to crawl. Leave one crawling zombie alive (make sure it is the last zombie) Then since the zombie is crawling it will be slow so go rebuild the windows, refill ammo, and whatever else you need to do. Kill the crawling zombie when you are all done.

More Help on Zombie Level

When you first start zombies the (help) door is very useful you go through it and there is random weapon and go upstairs and go through the door where the stairs on the far side and camp. It’s useful if you have a shotgun and an automatic – someone watch the window and someone watch the door. You might die a couple of times but its worth it.

The Flamethrower

The flamethrower is a powerful weapon. It doesnt run out of ammo and you unlock it a rank 65, but in zombies, use it during Insta-kill for great effect.

Force Field On Nazi Zombie

When you start there be stairs behind you under is bricks and wood that been destroy during the war. Well jump on it and when you try to get up it would say “can’t stand here”. And the zombies would try to get you. In couple of secs. The zombies would kill each other. The other one is up stairs where the trench shotgun is at. First get a M2 flamethrower because once your past round 10 you don’t wanna go down and get ammo every time. Well there be a wooden board run and jump and prone in the air and turn around. If you done I correctly the zombies wold try to get you but they can’t. NOTE: the zombies may get to close and mite hit you just for your to known.

Floating Satchel

At Breaking Point once when you get out of like the bunker, once when you see the dude with the satchel just shoot him and TADA, you got a floating satchel (the tunnel will not blow up).

Everyone Will Go Home

On Breaking Point when Roebuck and Polonsky die, make sure to have a mortar round from earlier and when Roebuck and Polonsky get attacked, throw the mortar at the barrels in the middle of them. Make sure you have at least 1 other who knows about it and you should get incapped and the other player has to revive you. If done correctly, Polonsky should be just standing there but Roebuck will think hes dead. At the end when ROEBUCK should give you the dog tags it will be POLONSKY even though hes supposed to be dead and Polonsky will get the dog tags from his OWN dead body.

How To Swim In The Second Mission

You start off in a boat. Once your get your gun out, turn to the ocean. Start walking into the water. Soon you will be swimming. You might want to go to split screen or play with a friend.

Fast Crawl

In the 2 mission when youget the rocket lancher you got to 2 dystroed tanks and you crawl right next to it and you crawl fast you need a rocket lancher to do it the tanks are near a man hole.

Shi No Numa Strategy

First off, use your pistol ammo. Then when that runs out buy the Gerwehr. Then when you get to round four, go the fence way to the box, not the stair way. Once you do that, go to the box, get your gun and camp out where you would go down the stairs but don’t buy the stairs. No zombie can come from behind you because there is no window. If you get the teddy bear later on in the game, always go to where the box goes. If the box transports to the upstairs place where you started out, buy the box as many time as you can to move the box to a new place. The upstairs is the worst place for the box to be because a zombie can come from anywhere. Well thats it.

Upgrading The Monkey Bombs

To upgrade the monkey bombs, you have to go to the room with the furnace. Then you throw the monkey bomb in. If done correctly, the monkey will scream, and after it explodes, you should hear, “Why are you so cruel to Mister Monkey? Mister Monkey just wanted to PLAY! ” So now the monkey bombs last longer, and have a bigger explosion.

Nazi Zombies Nacht Der Untoten Strategy

When you first start it, use just the pistol until you are out of ammo (don’t get the kar98). If you kill at least two zombies with the pistol, you will have enough for the carbine. Keep that until someone opens the mystery box room, then get a good gun. In the first room DO NOT open the stairs. In the mystery box room there is a set of stairs go up them once the place is overrun with zombies. Note: Only go in if you have a good gun. Once in there you will rack up a lot of points. Keep buying grenades to kill them with. Last as long as you can! NOTE:STAIRS ARE USUALLY NEEDED AT ABOUT THE 10TH LEVEL.

Good Plan For Nazi Zombies

Me and my friend found out that when you first start out grab the kar98k on the wall next to the last window on the right (the gun is on the left of the window)only aim for the heads of the zombies to get more points or money. Unlock the help room at the end of wave 3 and open the mystery box grab the gun then kill all of the zombies (it’s easier on two player) when you do it on two player one guard the door and the other guards the windows behind the door guarder. At the end of level 4 unlock the stairs in the help room (if you have enough points or money)because the zombies will break down the wall so it’s better just not to take that much chances anyways don’t barricade the windows in the room that you started at because when your upstairs run to the room with the grenades in it and look next to you and you’ll see the stairs that are from the un-barricaded room (if you didn’t barricade them) aka: the room you started in. Since the windows that are unbarricaded will have a bunch of zombies coming through them wait a while then throw a grenade downstairs and you might see your points go up. You and your partner could go get the guns on the wall upstairs on the wall (there is a BAR and a trench gun upstairs or at the end of each wave you could go back into the help room and open the mystery box your choice not mine and have fun. :).

Zombie Kill Perk Boost Ded Riese

This will boost the number of nukes, 2x points, hammers, max ammos, and insta-kills that you get on this level. First, you will have had to turn on the power, link all the teleporters, , and then upgrade one of your guns in the pack a punch machine. It is highly advisable that you have only one zombie remaining, preferably a slow moving crawler, seeing as you should be at around lvl 15+ before you can do this. If you have multiple people, you should have one stay with the crawler to distract him, because this will take about 5 minutes or so the first time and you don’t want to be worried about the little S. O . B . To sneak up behind you. First, you go through the door that, when facing the pack a punch machine, is on the right. It is helpful if you have a gun with a scope on it, but its not necessary. Stand in front of the window that is on the left side after going through the doorway and look way down for a switch on the wall that looks like the one you use to turn on the power. Shoot that with your upgraded gun, and several perks will come out of it and spin around in a circle by the box then fly off toward the back of the map. Then a voice should say something along the lines of “lets play hide and seek”, then proceed halfway down the hallway that should be behind you at this point and make a left where you would if you were going to buy the trench gun, but then go to the right and you should see several cages against the wall. Look in the bottom right one and there should be a teddy bear with a perk drink. Shoot it with the upgraded gun, and again, it should say something, but I forget what. Then go down to the room with the furnace and look for a teddy bear in the back of the furnace. If you can’t see him, just shoot towards the back with the upgraded gun, preferably with the upgraded ray gun, because the splash damage should hit him. Again, he will say something. Then go back to the mainframe and, when facing the pack a punch, look to the right and then up towards the top of the building and in one of the windows you should see another teddy bear holding a ray gun. Shoot him and he should say “game over” if done correctly. Now you should get 3 to 4 times the amount of kill perks you were getting earlier.

Easy Online Challenge Complete

To get this challenge done, simply wait until you play any game mode on Seelow. Go to the back of the map with the destroyed house and tank on the out side, somewhere near the back wall is an underground tunnel. Plant a bouncing betty on each entrance and wait for about 5 minutes, but other players may know about this spot so don’t leave the controller.

Extra Guns

This can be used on all maps (the host can not do it) First you need two people to do it (the guy that’s buying the guy and the one downing themselves). First have the guy down themselves either the right side or left side of the box mostly near the bracket of the box. Then he downs himself there. You open the box and count to three. Heal the guy, midway until you see that you can grab the weapon and push x and hold x afterward. Finish healing him and you have three guns.

Faster Relaod

When you reload after you place the magazine, when you start to cock it back knife. It will save you more time than cocking your gun.

Map Pack 3 Help

First you start out by the pack a punch machine then you go through open the one on the right of the pack a punch then go through and open the doors and you will go to the power switch and turn it on then you open more doors to the teleporters and then you need to get to where you started then go on this platform and press x after it is activated then you need go to the pack a punch machine and upgrade your weapon but you need 5, 000 points to upgrade a weapon.

On the first level of campaign, in the very beginning, you’ll hear the sergeant yell “someone help Ryan! “, and you’ll see a burning man attack another American. If you shoot the burning guy before he kills the American, you’ll get the award “Saved Private Ryan”. Also, on the multi player map “Outskirts”, there is a church tower that is often used for sniping. A lot of times, the sniper gets shot by a tank, which is also a scene from “Saving Private Ryan”.

Survive Final Part In Breaking Point On Higher Difficulty Settings

After you save Sergeant Roebuck from the “suicide bombers”, head back to where you just came from and hide under the broken stairs, and only come out to call in an air strike.

Predicting What Room You Will Start Out In In Zombie Veruckt

When starting Zombies in mission Zombie Veruckt (online), on the bottom right corner you see the Gamertags. THe top two will probably be in the biggest room, the other bottom two will probably end up in the smaller room. (This doesn’t always come out right, it’s just predicting. ).

Zombie Veruckt Quicker Reloading

When playing Zomie Veruckt, if you start out in the smaller room, when you buy the M1 Carbine, never reload. Once you’re out of bullets in the belt, your player quickly replaces it, saving more time than reloading when your low. (Takes about 5 seconds, my way about 1).

Map Packs

All map packs have 4 maps.

Mack pack 1, containing a new zombie map, is availible through Xbox Live for 800 Microsoft Points, or $10.

Map Pack 2 will come out sometime in June, and will have one more zombie map too. Price is unknown, but will probably be the same as Map Pack 2.

Map Pack 3 is yet to be announced, but it probably will come out around September, it will most likely have a new zombie map, and will be priced same as others.

Nazi Zombie Best Tactic

OK. If you’re having trouble with nazi zombies passing the first ten levels then pay attention.

TACTIC #1 Open all doors on the left side to the power room. Then open up the next two doors and open up no more. You will end up in the quick reload perk room. The window in that small room will never get attacked.

TACTIC #2 Open all doors on the right side until you get to the power room. Then on the left side only open the couch. Dont open up any more doors further. One guy needs to guard the window on the balcony. Make sure you have all of the perks so you will do better. But there is a glitch! Beside the double tap perk, stand on the side of the double tap perk that is facing the stairs. Stay along the wall and walk forward until you hit the wall ahead of you. Once you hit the wall move back slowly but not extremely slow move towards the double tap machine then once you hit it crouch. Then the zombies will get stuck on that far wall you hit if you did it perfectly. The worse you did it the closer they will get stuck to you.

Quicker Reloading

When your clip gets near empty don’t fire until their isn’t any more bullets in the clip, reload when your down to 5 or 10 bullets in the clip. This will eliminate the need to cock back the gun.

Unlock RayGun In The Second Mission

To do this you have to do it in the beginning of the second mission when you are on the beach. First, call in the air strike on the beach and then wait for all of the soldiers to go. When they are all gone head to the very right side of the beach and you will notice a fairly large crater filled with water. Now this is when it begins. There are 4 craters total on the beach. Start out by jumping in the crater farthest right on the beach. Then hump out and about 5 or 6 feet to the left should be another crater filled with water ( this one is a very small crater ) jump in it. Now jump out and again about 3 to 4 feet to the left should be a dry crater jump in it. Now last head to the big crater at the very far left side of the beach and it is filled with water jump in it and wait about Ten seconds and the screen will start shaking and you will hear voices. You then should see 4 statues holding RayGuns! Note: Its not as hard as it sounds. Just go from each crater to crater working your way to the left side of the beach. ( THIS ALSO WORKS ON CO-OP ).

Rough Ecomony

If you unlocked zombie mode, get at least 3000points and go upstairs and open the grandfatherclock and use 1500 for a sniper and w8 until theNazi zombies get into a single file line andcrouch, then aim in the mid-section and fire. Keeptrying if you mess up the first time.

Sniping Spot

Go on Makin, then go to back of map where the rocks are. There will be two close together. Take out a bazooka and shoot it to the ground, and jump at the same time. Then you will be on top of the rock.

Help With Zombies

First things first, you either must have beaten the story mode or have someone invite you to play. This strategy is not 100% effective, but if done correctly, you should still make it to round 30.Start a game with three of your friends. For the first couple of rounds let the zombies inside and knife them to get 150 points instead of the ussual 10 point bullet shot or 100 point headshot, you will need to get as many points as possible for later. For rounds 3 to 4 or 5, let them tear down the barriers, as they do so, rebuild it and shoot them.For the next rounds camp the “Help” room (the door with help on it). Each taking their turn on buying from the box, keep in mind that three of you should get a Raygun and either a MG42 or a Browning, the other should get the Flamethrower instead of the LMG. When everyone has the guns listed above move upstairs from the “Help” room.Now camp the area directly above the stairs in the first room. The LMG’s should camp directly in front of the doorway, Whomever has the Flamethrower camps the window. In order for this to work, The Flamethrower needs to keep one zombie alive by rebuilding what he destroys, multiple ones need to be burned but YOU MUST KEEP ONE ZOMBIE ALIVE at all times. When the last zombie is still trying to get in, the three LMG’s go out and rebuild everything from every other room, then go back to the box if you need to get more ammo buy getting the same gun again. Then, someone takes over the window rebuilding it and lets the other person do the same. When everyone is okay, burn him, and repeat. If you do not keep at least one alive you won’t be able to rebild everything again.Tips for each gunner: If you place yourselves right, your bodies will actually create a way stopping any zombie from entering the room; switch out as needed to reload.Tips for Flamethrower: Basically hold down the X button and don’t open the stairs; to help slow them down, throw some grenades done stairs to “soften” them up.If you get swamped, everyone falls back to the Grenade corner, two LMG’s crouching in front, two Rayguns in back standing up chucking grenades as needed.

Better Way To Use Pistol

When you pull out your pistol, shoot your enemy in the head. If you hit them just right, it should only take 1 or 2 hits to kill them. It conserves your ammunition, too.

Reloading

If you run out of bullets on your primary gun’s clip, and you don’t have enough time to reload, it is always helpful to switch to your pistol.

Cheats

Make Your Gamertag Red

Enter “red” as your gamertag.

Make You Gamer Tag Blue.

Enter “blue” as your gamer tag.

Green Clan Tag

Enter grn as the as the tag.

Cyan Clan Tag

Enter cyan as the clan tag.

Clan Tag Yellow

Enter yelw as the clan tag.

Get Clan Tag Rainbow!

Enter rnbw as a code.

Unlockables

Unlock Prestige Mode

Prestige mode is unlocked at level 65

Unlock the Magnum

Get to level 49 to unlock the magnum.

Gunslinger

Assassinated General Amsel with a sidearm

Gunslinger Achievement

Assassinate General Amsel in Vendetta with aside-arm.

Zombie Mode

Once you beat the game on any difficulty, youunlock zombie mode. To play zombie mode go tomission select and it is the bottom mission.

Bearing The Burden

Complete “Downfall” on Veteran Difficulty Solo Only.

Kamikaze Achievement

Complete a mission without firing a single shot.

The Professional Achievement

Kill all of General Amsel’s henchman and the dogat the beginning of Vendetta without reloadingyour rifle.

Bandolier Perk

To unlock the Bandolier perk get to level 40.

STG-44

To unlock the STG get to level 37.

M2 Flamethrower

To unlock the flamethrower get to level 65.

Rough Economy

Kill 3 enemies with one bullet.

Close Shave

Encountered a banzai attack and live to tell the the tale.

Easter eggs

Currently we have no easter eggs for Call of Duty: World at War yet. If you have any unlockables please feel free to submit. We will include them in the next post update and help the fellow gamers. Remeber to mention game name while submiting new codes.

Glitches

Nacth Der Untoten First Room Glitch

Once you start go to were the sandbags are on the left side you will see a flat part of wall with a chip run by the side of the sandbags jump and prone on the chip now shoot the sandbags and the zombies can’t kill you.

Shi No Numa Glitch

In Shi No Numa, open the debris and go down the stairs and turn left at the end of the “hallway” and there will be a door. (sorry, can’t remember which one) open it, turn right and there will be a tree and a giant root sticking out. Sprint, jump and crouch off the dock into the root.

Nazi Zombies Strategy Ang Glitches At Same Time

When you start Nazi Zombies stay in the first room as long as possible. Then go in the help room and open the couch in the help room. (the glitch) Go where you buy the grenades and stay 4 to 5 squares away from the wall. Then run and jump into the grenades, crouch down and at the top of the screen it will say can’t stand here or something close to that. Ignore it and wait for the zombies to pile up. Kill all of them except for one. Make sure it is one that walks. Then go down to the mystery box and but a gun. (glitch) Buy a gun and keep the crosshairs (how you aim) in the gray piece on the wooden flap that is in the middle. You should get good guns and sometimes if you do this enough you should get every gun in the box. (This might not always work).

Zombie Glitch

This glitch is best used for co-op only but occasionally it works on single-player. By the mystery box there is 2 filing cabinets then a space between them then another filing cabinet one person will prone in between those cabinets and the other will jump on top of you then the person on the bottom will stand up and go back to proning again then both of you will be in between the cabinets. Sometimes one person will get down but the other one can just heal him back up. And thats one zombie glitch.

Zombie Mode Glitches

There is a couple glitches in zombie mode. When you start there is a chipped support beam to the right of the sandbags if you run from far away and jump crouch you will be stuck in the chipped part and wont be killed. Upstairs there is the grenade bag. Run from the support beam and crouch once you almost touch the wall wont die either. There is a corner near the sniper rifle box with a panel over it. Run towards it and jump crouch when your feet touch the pile of dirt make sure you have a good gun and never run away. If you want a ray gun just press X when the boxes question marks are almost completely gold Only the ray gun and the panel glitch work now the rest you need to be playing offline.

Guides

Currently no guide available.

Achievements

Secret Achievements

The 2 Secret Achievements involve prestiging. To unlock the first achievement you must prestige for the first time. You have now unlocked the first secret achievement. The second secret achievement you have to prestige for the tenth time. You have now unlocked the second and final secret achievement.

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