#somehow they are so smart and make the dumbest possible decisions for any given situation

[sesamenom]

Very Deadly

[marauders-venting]

Late Nights

pairing: wolfstar (sirius x remus)

genre: fluff

warnings: hints at sex

words: 2015

summary: sleeping in the same bed as sirius has always seemed natural to remus, helping each other out with nightmares like friends do. But this year something has changed for Remus and it makes the current sleeping situation both unbearable and necessary for Remus’ continued existence.

note: inspired by the song ‘Sleepover’ by Hayley Kiyoko (i know this is a very popular headcanon but i never thought of writing it until i heard this song and decided that i absolutely have to)

Remus was nearly asleep. Nearly but not quite. He could feel Sirius’ arm pressed against his, their hands just barely touching. That alone was enough to keep Remus awake. But Sirius was fast asleep, not bothered at all by the fact that Remus was lying right beside him. Of course he’s not bothered, Remus thought, why should he be? We’ve been sharing a bed for years.

Remus still remembers the first time he and Sirius slept in the same bed. Remus had woken up shaking from his usual nightmare: when he had been bitten by Fenrir Greyback when he was five years old. He had gone to get a cup of tea from the common room, to try and calm down. When he came back upstairs, he heard a stifled sob coming from the direction of Sirius’ bed.

“Sirius?” Remus whispered. Sirius whipped around in his bed to look at Remus. Remus couldn’t quite see in the dark but he was sure that Sirius’ cheeks were tear-stained.

“Yeah?” Sirius said. If Remus hadn’t been an expert at pretending that you’re not crying when you are, he wouldn’t have been able to hear the tremble in Sirius’ voice.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Remus knew that Sirius was lying. He had given that response himself countless times and not once had he been telling the truth.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Remus asked.

“It’s no big deal,” Sirius said, but Remus could hear his voice shaking.

Remus grabbed a cup from the table in the room, poured half of his tea into it and brought the cup to Sirius, who sat up in his bed.

“Thanks,” Sirius said after Remus had handed him the tea. “You can sit down if you like,” he added, gesturing to his bed. Remus did. Then he cast a silencing charm over the bed.

“What was that spell?” Sirius asked, still whispering.

“Silencing charm,” Remus replied.

“How do you know how to do those?” Sirius asked in awe. Remus shrugged.

“It’s a useful spell,” he said. They sat in silence for a few minutes, drinking their tea.

“I woke up from a nightmare too,” Remus said, eventually. He hadn’t wanted to share this; he hadn’t been planning on telling anybody. But he wanted to help Sirius. And this seemed like the best way to do that.

“Are you ok?” Sirius asked him.

“Yeah,” Remus said. “You?” Sirius nodded.

“Do you want…” Sirius started, “never mind.”

“What?” Remus asked.

“Nah, it’s stupid.”

“What is it?”

“It’s just…” Sirius started hesitantly. “Back home, whenever my brother, Reg, or I had a nightmare, we would sleep in the same bed to help us feel better. So I wanted to ask if you wanted to try that. It’s stupid, I know.”

“It’s not stupid,” Remus said. “It’s actually really smart. I wish I had a brother that I could do that with.” Sirius looked surprised for a minute before he spoke.

“Well, now you have me,” he said. Remus smiled at him. So they crawled into the same bed and fell asleep to the sound of the other’s breaths evening out as they drifted off.

But something had changed this year. The sound of Sirius’ deep, sleepy breaths no longer rocked Remus to sleep; it kept him awake. Suddenly, Remus found himself unable to sleep at night, his heart thumping in his ears, his breath catching every time Sirius’ bare skin brushed against his under the sheets. Remus had gone and fucked things up. He’d fallen in love with Sirius. And now Remus was afraid to cross a boundary. Everything he did seemed wrong. Remus didn’t want to make Sirius uncomfortable. One wrong move and Sirius might decide that this sleeping arrangement didn’t work for him anymore, that he didn’t need Remus anymore. Remus didn’t think he could bear that. He didn’t know which would be worse: being this close to Sirius but not being allowed to touch him, to kiss him or pining for Sirius from far away, starved of any contact at all. Well, not at all. He supposed that he could still hug Sirius. He hugged James sometimes, after all. But how many excuses to hug Sirius could he possibly have? Not enough. Not nearly enough.

Remus didn’t want to lose these moments with Sirius. He didn’t want to lose the brief contact of their hands and legs beneath the blanket but it was becoming increasingly harder to just leave it at that, to restrain from making the fleeting moment turn into something more, something that could satisfy Remus’ thirst.

Suddenly, Remus feels Sirius turning over in his sleep. Remus doesn’t open his eyes. Sometimes, he’ll watch Sirius sleep, just for a little while. Staring at Sirius while he’s asleep is far easier and far less frightening than staring at him during the day when he could look over and catch Remus at any moment. So Remus made the most of it. But he didn’t feel like torturing himself tonight so he keeps trying to sleep. But then Sirius speaks.

“You’re my best friend,” Sirius whispers. “My soulmate.” Remus’ heart skips several beats. Is Sirius talking to… him? He opens his eyes and finds Sirius looking right at him.

“And you’re mine,” Remus whispers back. And then Sirius honest-to-god falls out of the bed. “Holy fuck, Sirius, are you ok?” Remus asks, concerned but also trying to contain his laughter.

“Remus,” Sirius says, standing up. “I thought you were asleep.” Remus shook his head.

“I was trying to sleep,” he says.

“Sorry,” Sirius says.

“It’s not your fault,” Remus replies. But it is. Sirius is definitely to blame for Remus’ insomnia. Because how the fuck is he supposed to sleep when Sirius Black is lying right there next to him, his lips soft and full and utterly kissable; his jawline sharp and incredibly sexy; his hair still somehow looking flawless, despite tumbling out of the bed seconds ago. Just Sirius. Everything about him consumed Remus’ mind, making his heart beat in his ears, driving away sleep. But Sirius can’t know this. Not now, not ever.

“Then why can’t you sleep?” Sirius asks. Remus just shrugs. “Is it the moon?”

“No, no,” Remus assures him. “I’m fine. I just… couldn’t fall asleep. What about you? Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Sirius says. “We should probably try and get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Remus says. Sirius climbs back into the bed and they lie there for a while. But Remus can’t fall asleep and he can feel Sirius tossing and turning beside him. After what feels like half an hour (although they have no real way of knowing) Remus turns towards Sirius, making what is probably the dumbest decision he will ever make. Remus already knows that he will regret this. But he’s made up his mind now; he’s going to do this.

“Sirius?” Remus whispers.

“Yeah?” Sirius says, turning his head towards Remus but remaining flat on his back.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Sirius says. “Hold on.” He turns to where James and Peter are fast asleep, snoring like logs, and casts a silencing charm around the bed. “Ok. Now we can talk normally. So what’s up?”

“It’s… I have a problem and I need some advice.”

“Ok,” Sirius nods. “What kind of advice?”

Remus swallows hard.

“Dating advice,” he says.

“Oh,” Sirius says; Remus can’t discern his tone. “Ok, what do you need?” You. I need you.

“I… I like someone.”

“Ok,” Sirius says. “What’s she like?” Remus swallows again. There’s no turning back now.

“He,” he whispers. Sirius looks at him in surprise but there’s no judgment or disgust in his expression.

“Ok, what’s he like?”

“He’s… incredible,” Remus says. “He’s smart and he’s kind and he’s funny and… he’s really, really gorgeous.” Remus feels himself blush.

“Ok,” Sirius says. “Do you know if he’s into guys?”

“Yeah,” Remus nods, “he is.”

“Ok,” Sirius says again. He turns on his side so he’s facing Remus. “I’m not seeing the problem here.”

“The problem is… he’s my friend. And there’s no way he likes me back.”

“Why not?” Sirius asks. Remus snorts. Sirius grabs Remus’ arm. “Remus. Why the fuck not?”

“Because he’s just… he’s way out of my league. And besides, he would never look at me like that.”

“And you really like him?” Sirius asks.

“So much,” Remus says, closing his eyes. “I like him so much. And every time I see him it’s just… I die all over again.”

“Have you told him how you feel?” Sirius asks. Remus shakes his head, opening his eyes.

“I don’t want to fuck everything up.”

“Remus, you have to talk to him,” Sirius says. Remus just shakes his head. “Yes, Remus, yes you do. You need to talk to him and find out how he feels.”

“Sirius, I told you, I haven’t got a chance with him,” Remus says. “Telling him, it would… it wouldn’t do anybody any good. He’d just be weirded out.”

“Remus, if he really is your friend then he wouldn’t want you to be in this much pain. Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Think about what’ll happen if he feels the same way; you can be happy.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Remus asks.

“If he doesn’t…” Sirius hesitates. “If he doesn’t then you can start to get over him. And I’ll be here for you. The whole time.” Sirius puts his arm around Remus. Remus closes his eyes for a moment and breathes.

“Is that what you would do?” Remus asks. “If you were me, would you do this?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, “that’s what I would do.” It takes Remus several moments to collect himself. He’s not ready for this but he won’t ever be more ready, so he might as well. Remus turns to face Sirius. Their faces are just inches from each other.

“Sirius,” he says slowly. He looks deep into Sirius' eyes. Their penetrating grey stares straight back. Sirius’ mouth falls open as he realizes what Remus is telling him. Remus reaches out and caresses Sirius’ cheek, brushing his lip with his thumb, determined to do it once before Sirius pushes him away and starts hating him for fucking everything up.

“It’s… me?” Sirius asks. Remus feels the tears well in his eyes as he nods, but he doesn’t let them out.

“I’m so sorry, Sirius, I didn’t mean to—” But then Sirius kisses him, swallowing the end of his sentence.

“Shh,” Sirius whispers, as they break apart, lips still close together. “Don’t apologize. Don’t apologize for anything. You’re so stupid. You’re so fucking stupid, you bitch. How could you think for a second that I don’t want you?” Sirius ran his fingers through Remus’ hair and Remus leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. “You’re so perfect. And I love you, Remus. I’m so in love with you. And every second you were talking about that guy you liked I wanted to scream with agony.”

“I’m sor—”

“Shh,” Sirius says, putting a finger to Remus’ lips. “You have nothing to apologize for.” Remus smiles and rests his forehead against Sirius’.

“I love you too, Sirius,” he says. He takes Sirius’ hand and their fingers intertwined together. Remus’ tilts his head so his lips flutter over Sirius’. Then he turns his head and does something he’s been thinking about for months, imagining what it would be like. He kisses Sirius’ jaw. He starts below his earlobe, kissing his way down that perfect jawline.

“Remus,” Sirius moans. Hearing Sirius say his name like that makes Remus’ heart pound faster than he thought was humanly possible and this time he kisses Sirius’ lips. He lets out a moan and pulls Sirius in, closer, closer, but Remus doesn’t need to make an effort because Sirius is pressing his body into Remus’. They’re so close, Remus can feel Sirius’ pulse beneath his fingers. It’s fast. Remus kisses Sirius harder. And finally, finally, Remus can do what he’d been longing to do with Sirius in this bed all year. And maybe after that, if there’s any time left, Remus could get some sleep at last.