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v-le · 6 years

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Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지��. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.

#korean music #roy kim #rochestra #sam kim #sun and moon #fromm #midnight candy #day6 #infinite #woohyun #eddy kim #am i missing anyone #prolly am #sigh i still cant #im so so so blessed #thank you for everything #ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

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forthebetterevil · 6 years

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the fattest personal ramble i’ll ever post on this hellsite coz i need to get it out of my system

about heart flutters and confusion from an asexual who has yet to figure out (or is very close to figuring out through this ramble?) her romantic orientation

okay so let me get this out of the way: i’m asexual. specifically autochorrisexual. shipping brings me joy and those nasty (but not TOO nasty...) E-rated fics are what i’m down for, but i balk at the thought of my own self being involved in any sex-related activity. i have never wanted to engage in sexual acts with anyone in my life, and i swear i have TRIED to think about it, daydream about it, to “test” if my mind can really fathom the act of sex upon my own body.... i can’t. my mind literally snuffs out the mental image of sex when i am the subject, as if it isn’t possible, and especially since i don’t desire it. (i’m pretty okay with imagining 2 OTHER people getting down on each other tho.) i’m asexual so i don’t actually know what sexual attraction is, but i did try to search a bit on what that feeling is, and i’m not gonna lie, i can’t relate a single bit fam, which further helps me solidify my asexual identity.

that solidification didn’t come easy. i had to go through countless rounds of considerations, to try to pick apart the str8 agenda that society and mass media have been feeding me for as long as i lived. but once i realised this label worked far better for me than any other label in the lgbtq spectrum, i was like, yes! i found it! i found me. and i have never found anything contradictory to the label that i found for my sexuality. so that’s gr8 m8 8/8 coz that gave me the feeling of security of knowing myself, and i could read up on similar experiences through other asexual people online and not feel like i’m just immature for my age or whatever crap people think of asexuals (i didn’t read what aphobes on tumblr have to say because why would i want to make myself upset when i’m just living my life...).

whoops i rambled but YEAH SO I’M ASEXUAL. (thanks tumblr for introducing this concept to me, for once, because without tumblr i would just be confused and irritated i’m not feeling things that i “should”)

as some of you might know, if you’ve done some digging about your sexuality, a common theme that pops up in explanations is the distinction between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. i already got the latter nailed down, hooray for me.

what’s romantic attraction then? this question would push me down the rabbit hole and end in me still pummelling but now into a bottomless water body where the surface i hit is the question, “what’s LOVE, then?”

i lazily decided i wouldn’t need to deal with romantic attraction if i never experienced it, so i just didn’t define my romantic orientation. lol. i mean, i only had a crush once in my life and that was when i was 9-years-old but that little “infatuation” lasted for about 10 years because that’s how fixated i get on things (and as it turns out, people) i favour LMAO so...?? during the period of my asexuality discovery and general maturation, i figured i only liked him for that long because of the IDEA of what i THOUGHT he was like --- i didn’t speak to him for extended periods of time during those 10 years, so clearly who my heart wants isn’t him, but just what i thought he would be like (something like the “perfect man”, but mixed in with his “flaws” i knew i could tolerate, because he’s human too and i try to be reasonable).

and it was also then that i learnt Love was a Choice. SO. i let go. i still look up to him and stuff, but i’m not going to let that millennium-long crush take up unnecessary space at the back of my mind anymore.

i was putting my bets on grayromantic or demiromantic, but this time i wasn’t, and couldn’t be, as sure of my identification as i was when i knew i was asexual. i don’t know. i can’t say it’s because i yearn for affection because frankly speaking i can go without it, i can be quite detached and can remain that way for a long time. maybe it’s because i didn’t want to dismiss the possibility of experiencing a (generally) positive feeling poets wax lyrical about. i mean nothing wrong if you’re aromantic, but i felt like i had the CAPACITY to love romantically. whatever that meant.

k i’ve rambled enough. long story short, someone new caught my eye (not literally lmao looks ain’t shit to me), and i don’t know what to make of it. so here’s my confusion.

(pardon me for coming off like a 13-year-old with a crush, but i legitimately thought about all this shit over the past few weeks)

his personality is lively and charming (to me!). his humour isn’t totally in sync with mine, but i can still chuckle along. he’s not a toxic hetero dude (yeah low bar but i just had to put it out there), he supports the LGBTQ+ community (i don’t know his sexual orientation but it doesn’t matter to me). he has Intellectual Opinions that aren’t obnoxious or are spewed to seem like a smartass or edgelord. he puts effort into his endeavours, he has a good attitude in general. oh and here’s the best part: i can’t properly gauge if i caught HIS eye, but if i did, he’s not showing it in creepy ways that other boys have. (small example: we all stay in something like a hostel. i offer to buy a snack from the convenience store for this dude who happened to be studying in a common area on my level at 2am (lol what’s a sleep schedule m’pals), because i’m going to go there at that very moment. mind you this dude and i have only recently been acquainted. dude says no thanks. i’m like okay. i go to the convenience store. i picked my items from the shelf, turn around, and BAM, HE’S RIGHT THERE. “um didn’t you say you didn’t want anything?” “oh no i just thought of following you here. it’s late.” you think it’s sweet or some shit but no because the convenience store is located within the university grounds and our country has one of the lowest crime rates ever so the reason he was giving was pretty illogical, no one does this shit. now i’m socially obligated to feel thankful for your chivalry or some shit??? i hate that. these dudes don’t ever fucking consider the context of chivalry before acting on it, did you legitimately think i would be comfortable and safer with you, a mere acquaintance, “accompanying” me to the store. ugh. ok whoops i digressed.)

here i admit, my heart flutters when i see him. so now i ask myself... is this infatuation, or do i legitimately want to be in a romantic relationship with him? wait, what’s a romantic relationship? WAIT, WHAT IS LOVE? (tw1ce kpop fans gtfo of my post lmao)

i proceed to analyse my behaviour towards him to try to determine if it’s legitimate romantic attraction. heart flutter, check. stumble over words, check. spew dumb shit in front of him, check. try to subtly catch his attention in a group setting, check. actually play along with his teasing, check. actually initiating conversations with him with HIM as the subject, check. (please note that after one too many creepy dudes’ advances after i try to be friendly and open and bubbly and polite because that’s just how i am, i consciously made an effort NOT to ask questions about THEM in any conversation i had to engage in with them because i frankly dgaf about their lives and i don’t want to make them think i did. i only used to ask out of courtesy because they asked me something first. but now i’m like fuck that. in my current situation, i actually still do not really care about what he does if it doesn’t concern me LMAO, but i ask just to give the impression that i do.) wishing i could see him for one more time, check.

BUT WAIT! i could wave that away with the explanation that i’m infatuated with him. i don’t know what romantic attraction REALLY is, but i’m going to take a leap of faith and guess it entails stuff like, do i want him to be my confidante and vice versa, do i want to hang out with him at the end of a long day - is that more tiring for me, or is that going to be rejuvenating, etc etc i’m basically basing my expectations of a romantic relationship on behaviours of a happily and healthily married couple, which i suppose COULD be misguided, but i don’t know any better...

so, do i?

but FUCK, BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. i don’t know my own preference. “um yeah that’s why you date, to get to know the other person better and shit” ssSSHHH!! i don’t jump into Big Things like relationships unless i’m REALLY sure it’s not going to end in a disaster (plus depleted social capital that i could’ve avoided depleting... ugh We Live In A Society)

right now the issue i’m griping about isn’t whether i’m gonna end up happily ever after with him. i’m venting my confusion here because i don’t know how seriously i should take these feelings towards another person. it’s occupying a LOT of space in my mind and it’s honestly getting in the way (mental effort, time, focus) and i have other things to do. i just want peace of mind.

confusing emotions are useless.

#:-(#me #love #ramble

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pensiveponder · 5 years

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Influences? :

The Hunger- the rich pain, the anticipation. Hunger is the howling that drives us ever further, that demand to DO something and propelled forward, and to place ones wishes foremost. It is selfish, but it is also pride.

to hunger is to live, to become satisfied is to die.

(Patron: Hunger Engine.

Related Emotions: hunger, yearning, dissatisfaction, action, drive, determination)

(Relations: Hunger is vulnerable to the Savoring and in Hunger Engine itself is in love with the sweet-rot bed, forming its greatest weakness - it cannot say No to it. Hunger is frustrated by The Mutable’s changing directions. It admires and respects the Itching’s aspect, and the two have a pretty cooperative existence. The itching is urged on by the hunger, and the hunger is urged on by the itching. )

(Some other related things: Machinery, Fire, Teeth, Hands )

The Itching- to slice and to split. every idea to two more. to scratch the itch is ecstatic.. an eternal zooming in, the surfacing of details, the rotation of context. Every scratch is a different angle, and something new is seen.. There is always a new piece, a new way.

enthusiasm is to live, to become uninterested is to die

(Patron: The Kaleidoscopic Mind. Related Emotions: perspective, interest, analysis, discovery, focus )

(Relations: Generally works well with all other influences. Tends to add an extra flavor of “obsessiveness” to other aspects. It loves the forward-moving energy of the Hunger, the curiosity of the Mutable. It is lost within the Savoring, overwhelmed by it.)

(Some other related things: Eyes, Magnifying Lenses, Puzzles, Plans, “Fandoms”, )

The Savoring- the indulgence and satisfaction. pleasure and sweetness and delight. The flush of fullness. The exquisite, the content, the intense, the soft, the sleeping grin, the waking laugh. The savoring does not exist within time in the same way, it melts the before and the after, there is only the Moment.

In smaller doses, the Appreciation portions of the savoring can be used to take the moment for what it is, to appreciate what is around us.

to live is delicious.

(Patron: Sweet-rot Bed. Related Emotions: indulgence, allowance, release, pleasure, satisfaction, fullness, appreciation)

( Relations: The savoring loves that Hunger’s ravenous urges and ambitions are the utmost seasoning for pleasure. The larger the Hunger, the more delightful it is to drown it. It considers the Itching to be distracted, as it values experiencing above understanding. It can soothe the Burnt. It can reward the Mutable, whos delightful playing of roles discover new joys and pleasures. It considers the Gratitude to be a provider of unique experiences, capable of providing the astonishingly unique flavors of shared or reflected delight. )

(Some other related things: Desserts, Secrets, Beds)

The Burnt - the failed, the burnt. The regretful, the dogged. Ash turns to soil, soil to growth.

to give up is to die.

(Patron: the ember-wheel. Related Emotions: regret, exhaustion, the heavy emotions)

( Relations: Can become reawakened by hunger, soothed by savor, contemplative with the Itching. It can give wisdom to the other aspects, but can also be self-defeating, pessimistic, or discouraging.)

(Some other related things: Ash, Compost, Stone, Stains, Scars, Wounds)

The Mutable- each failure is a success. the edges of identity are but made of paper. Rules are but preconceptions. Patterns to be relinquished. become anew, become half anew, but ever changing. the forgiving, the open, the free, the welcoming, the unreliable, the novel. The pretend, the dramatic, the theatrical, the playful. “What is not, Can Be.”

to transform is to live, and to become stale is to die.

(Patron: the half-born moth)

(Rival Concept: the Burnt and its warnings. It enjoys the hunger, who inspires it to try new things. it seeks the rewards of the Savoring. it fears the burnt, who summons its secret shame. it fears the Gratitude, who may reject its new shapes. It appreciates the Itching, whos perspectives discover the new and can cut through old chains.)

(Some other related things: Masks, Cocoons, Paint, Piercings, Clothes, Stories)

The Gratitude- Every soul is a universe, every soul an infinite. To bring joy to another, to be beloved in their eyes, are precious things. To feel love, respect, and care for another is to feel it for oneself. The thankful, the helpful, the valued, the esteemed. Connections and mutual bonds create meaning. To live in a world with others is a miracle, to touch infinities is a wonder. The Gratitude is a powerful energy, capable of magnifying other influences, but also minimizing.

The Gratitude can rarely exist alone, and often is reflecting another influence simultaneously. Via reflection, the aspect of another influence can be felt even stronger.

to connect is to live, to isolate is to die

(Patron: the Threads. Emotions: platonic love, loyalty, friendship, thankfulness, respect, admiration, etc)

(Relation: The gratitude has complex relationships with the other influences, usually. It generally relies on them to support some vulnerability, but also must fight them in some aspects as well. Is suspicious of, but relies upon, The Hunger. The Hunger’s solitude and self-concern spurs it to know its own boundaries and to know how to value its own needs. Without it, the Gratitude can become lost in the infinity of another, and with loss of definition, often comes loss of connection. However, the sheer selfishness of hunger engine can overwhelm it unpleasantly - and even damage it. It has similar relationships with every other influence - such as guiding, encouraging, or restricting the Mutable.

(Other Related things: Mirrors, Reflection, Knots, Bridges, Structural Supports, Echoes)

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truthandlove · 6 years

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A good woman

A good woman is a giver, at peace with herself, not conceited or insecure, and that happens through (a) great relationship with her human father, (b) great relationship with her heavenly Father. Ideally, she has great relationships with both "fathers" (earthly and heavenly), but through intentionally, inner awareness/inner honesty/inner integrity she purposes to be Fathered by Father God to make up for whatever she missed from her earthly father. That being fathered by God is a process of intentional pursuit of God and His ways.

Otherwise a woman is STRIVING and steals your peace, takes you away from life goals, not nurtures your peace and aligns with your purposes so that you compliment, you augment, you support each other. She should not drain/divert your life; instead a good woman will accelerate and streamline the purposes and vision you, as a man of substance and character, already are focused on. (I'm not talking to opportunistic takers here!)

This is certainly rare. She is not caught up in vanity, in distractions, in self-gratification. She is centered through her God-connection and her level of discernment she's developed through hours and hours with God, seeking God. She does not seek 'Cosmo' to give her advice, because she's already hearing guidance from the Holy Spirit.

She does not need life to be about her, but comes from inner fullness to bring her femininity to situations. Her live is about serving something lager and worthy of her devotion. This "inner fullness" does not and cannot come from "the world." And this does not mean she is without struggles. A growing person is a person struggling with substance. She is not a social climber, but rather climbing with God, walking with God. She does not face trials alone, for God is with her and she has no more need to rebel or resist authority that is good and loving authority.

Because of inner fullness, she's not coming into the relationship to MANEUVER and NEGOTIATE the man into serving her. She refuses to be conniving. Yes, she wants to respond to leadership that is benevolent, honorable and safe, but she is not a child that has to test the boundaries over and over again, neurotically. Yes, she wants to be provided for, but not in a passive or entitled way. You see, she's learned to trust God, and thus trust His promptings in her heart to not even engage deeply with a man who is stingy in his providing in the first place. She is ready and able to give, and seeks the same - recriprocation - not from duty/obligation, but from joyful possibility. She does not play games or put up emotional walls; in fact her stark honesty helps call forth (but does not depend on) the same in others.

The confidence and peace, alloyed with humility is a rare and valuable combination. Her vulnerability is her strength, because her self-honesty can afford to speak truth without the need to compromise it with rationalizations and justifications. She sees her faults and weaknesses and is frank about them. She’s not dependent on the approval from others because she consciously ties her spirit to the validation that comes from her identity/relationship/ongoing intimacy with Jesus.

She is so captivating because her heart is already captivated with Jesus’ heart. This core relationship is her daily reference point. She does not put up emotional walls, except towards the abusive, and she builds bridges of hope and restoration. She honors her word and her commitments, and her strength does not let her be in bondage to the taskmaster of what is merely convenient. She knows love has a bold and tenacious side, in order to best impart breakthroughs through her to others, without needing to assess if they are “worthy” or not. This is because she yearns to be a conduit of grace.

She's discovered Jesus to be her bread of life and water of life. Otherwise, the human heart is empty, is hungry/thirsty and will take, distract, drain and leave you both worse off, not elevated in a partnership of mutual respect and honor. From this inner foundation of wholeness and security (and we're all not perfect and we're all in process, so I'm talking about the overall state of being, because life has road bumps and moments of weakness) she brings peace, wholeness, femininity, and responsive partnership that is a joy to be around. You can’t help but want to be a better person, because her presence shows how beautiful it is to have deep character and you want to give back in the presence of a graciousness that is also so strong.

The world is empty and will leave us all drained and defrauded - victimized. But Jesus is a wellspring of life and human relationships can ONLY truly work when both make their relationship with Jesus a priority. We simply MUST go to Jesus to be filled, otherwise relationships are a train-wreck waiting to happen, but what a joy is possible when the two are full from Jesus and can come together out of the possibility of meaningful collaboration and discovery at each other's side, not to fix what life did not give them.

Love is giving from fullness. Not giving from desperation and codependency. Not taking from neediness. Not manipulation; but ministry.

In a positive relationship, both people are committed to listening and discerning what the beloved needs, and facilitating their needs being met. That includes lots of creative and playful strategies. You decidedly choose and purpose to be proactive (to initiate, even when it is risky) loving, vulnerable communication, giving, respecting, cherishing, etc not in the way you like to do it, but unselfishly in the way (the fashion, the manner, the methods) they need to receive it) you adapt yourself (you yield) to what is the maximum way to bless the beloved, and you renew and maintain that choice, the commitment, that behavior through your own fluctuating feelings and through the ups and downs of life.

This requires a love bigger than human love; it requires you being a conduit of God’s love to them through you. So if you want to participate in true love, you seek the Presence of love in Jesus who is your example, and the lover of your soul, more than you would ever even love yourself.

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nofomoartworld · 8 years

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Hyperallergic: Drawing the Fragile Vulnerability of Transitioning Bodies

Roey Heifetz, “Confessions,” installation view in a former Berlin church (2015) (all photos by Joachim Schultz)

Roey Heifetz moved from Israel to Berlin as a young male artist in search of a future and returned five years later as a mature female artist. This transition in gender — but implicitly also in geography — is at the center of her exhibition, Victoria, curated by Timna Seligman. The show, currently on view at the Ticho House in Jerusalem as part of the Sixth Biennale for Drawing in Israel, is comprised of a series of 12 large drawings that enclose the small exhibition space on all sides.

Heifetz draws aging transgender people. Her portraits are affected and influenced by human figures she has met in Berlin as well as by her own, which is currently undergoing transformation. The figures are standing or lying down in stretched-out poses, reminiscent of dancers, and they look straight at the viewer. Sometimes their bodies bend, double, or swivel. Their hairstyles are blown out and meticulously finished, and in some drawings, they seem like genies let out of a bottle.

Victoria is a transition exhibition. It deals not with a specific identity category, but rather with the disruption of the categorizing and pigeonholing order. It moves back and forth between what is identified as masculine and feminine, pretty and ugly, profane and pure, without pausing or committing to one identity or the other. The detailed drawing does not spare the body. It highlights every mole, wrinkle, and out-of-place hair. Similarly, the drawn figures move not only across genders, but also between, say, the body image of a diva that is cultivated to perfection and never grows old, and the real body, withered and weary, which cannot overcome time. The result is an exhibition about lack or longing – a yearning for unity coupled with an acknowledgment of the impossibility of realizing it absolutely.

Roey Heifetz, “Frau L.”

All of that could have made for a critical statement and a gendered proposition, but these do not always suffice to produce persuasive works of art. What makes this exhibition a success is its condensed expressiveness, evident in the raw materials, the act of drawing, and the positioning of the pieces: the sheets of papers hang exposed, their bottoms rolling on the floor at the viewers’ feet. The nightmare of conservators and museum guards materializes in images of women that skyrocket to a height of 2 to 3 meters but also swoop down to the squalid ground of reality that literally wallows in dust. The pieces could have been protected by glass frames, but this would have produced different works that would have lacked the sense of fragile vulnerability that is so essential. Hanging this way, the subjects’ skin and nerves are exposed by an installation that combines compassion with mercilessness.

That same combination is also articulated by the intensive and hair-thin detailed graphite hatchings and by the lacquer stains and pigment powders that cover the images, tainting the surface and sabotaging the paper. Excessively elongated legs, forbidden hairs poking out of the toe joint, exaggerated eyeshades, potato-shaped chins and noses, creases that turn faces into bags of skin, large bright eyes gazing directly at the viewer, translucent yellowish liquid stains, and fur coats drawn in rust powder, wrapping the women and at the same time biting at their bodies.

Roey Heifetz, “Das Kannst du knicken”

Heifetz notes the influence on her works of well-known German draftsmen, above all grotesque expressionists Otto Dix and George Grosz. However, in Dix and Grosz’s works, grotesqueness has a context — the city, club, military, etc. The drama in their works is also facilitated by contrasts and circumstances — the emaciated boy vis-à-vis the plump cigar-smoking industrialists, or the soldiers and gas masks on the battlefield. In Heifetz’s drawings, there is no environment. The figures are all alone, and the drama is drawn exclusively in their bodies and facial features. Despite the broad white margins of the sheets, each image feels breathless, as if the air is running out.

This isolation has particular significance: although transgender people are at the center of the exhibition, and despite the known fact that the works accompany Heifetz herself on the way to becoming a woman, this is not an exhibition about gender and society, identity politics, or liberation of sexuality. Even if such aspects do appear, their focus is existential and internal. The pieces have something of the “thirst felt by every man with a soul,” as described by Rabbi Hillel Zeitlin in his essay “On the Boundary Between Two Worlds.” Not a thirst “for something that has a beginning and an end, something inherently encompassed and enclosed,” but for what “lies beyond all boundaries.”

Ultimately, this is an exhibition about anxiety — the anxiety of age, loss, the transition into the unknown, the compulsion to move and the impossibility of return, the larger-than-life image faced by the slowly aging body, the fear of being like “people who sleep off their days, as Rabbi Nahman says — as opposed to the fear of jumping into the depth of self-discovery and the limbo of a search for meaning committed to an ongoing journey that may never reach its end. Heifetz’s layers of lacquer, powder, and pigment, and lines upon lines of intensive, unsettling drawing, have lacerated the gallery with pain, obsession, and passion.

Victoria continues at Ticho House (10 HaRav Agan st’, Jerusalem) through February 23.

This text was originally published in Hebrew in Erev-Rav Art Magazine.

The post Drawing the Fragile Vulnerability of Transitioning Bodies appeared first on Hyperallergic.

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