#something something your equal includes everything youve come to hate about yourself

[fourteentrout]

Azriel had waited. He had waited for five hundred years to find his mate. His equal.

That's the kicker, wasn't it? His equal. How could he find that, when he was Death itself. When he looked into the bloody mouths of his victims, Truth Teller in his grasp, and he could not see anything but his own reflection staring back at him. Built upon fingernails and severed toes, built upon a burst of blue that burnt like fire, built upon a blade that sang when it cut through flesh. Calculated death, something beyond rage, something beyond a quest for justice. Something not borne out of impulse or uncontrolled power, but out of a carefully constructed network of lacerations, each placed with more thought than the last.

What, out there, was equal to that?

Oh, how cruel, he thought.

Is this what it is? Is this what an equal is? Someone with fists wreathed in flame, who could wield what Azriel's hands hadn't been able to survive.

Fire itself mated to the burnt.

Someone tortured, mated to a torturer.

How cruel to him, he thought, flames dancing in his head.

Was it cruelty, though? Or simply justice? That fire lord with lashes across his back was no hero. He was the worst of the worst, and his pain didn't make him any better. It just made him both the victim and the tyrant. It allowed him to play both sides. He himself was cruel.

Eris was nothing like who Azriel had thrown himself at. Eris was unkind, unable to wield his flaming hands with the same delicate niceness of Elain. Eris was a sneaky, manipulative, slithering thing, a stranger to the blunt authenticity of Mor. Eris would never be able to turn to the sunlight the way she did. Eris would never be able to speak with words like honey the way Elain did.

Azriel had never earned those words, anyway.

This is what it is, then, he thought. Two people who got exactly what they deserved. Fated to share something so pure, so clean, with someone who was decidedly not. The thing he had slogged through five centuries of silent desperation for a female who would never love him back for, finally granted to him--only with someone just out of reach. Perhaps, if he wanted, he could reach out a hand.

But he didn't want to. It was easier to stay angry, easier to pretend that he didn't deserve something as honorable as a mating bond, like he had during those five hundred years of waiting.

He did, though. He was getting exactly what he paid for.

His hands were soaked with the blood of a thousand, a hundred thousand, too many for Azriel to feel bad for. Eris' hands burst with the same flame that had once bathed Azriel's own. They delivered each other's scars, Azriel supposed. His mottled skin would be familiar to Eris. How many people has he burned, Azriel wondered. The scars that littered Eris' perfect High Fae body were the same Azriel imparted dutifully upon anyone unlucky enough to find themselves in his chamber. How cruel, to look at the one tied to your soul and see an assignment. The same methodical job he imparted on the prisoners in the dungeons, blanketing the one he was supposed to be able to look at reverently. How could he?

Eris was always a slimy bastard, anyway. Azriel could never love him, just as he would never love Azriel. It was upon principle, more than anything.

And perhaps it was easier that way. Perhaps his hands would thank him, kept safe from the fire that they still shied away from, centuries later.

How cruel, he thought as his chest throbbed with that bond.

Azriel had waited his whole life for something he knew, in his soul, he would never deserve. But of course, the Mother found Her ways. To give him what he wanted more than anything in the world.

To give him something he would never be able to have.

Not when he was one who supplied torture, and his mate was one who received it. Not when he was scarred with burns, and his mate could light the fire with half a thought.

How cruel, he thought, that I could not have been better. That I could not have become someone able to earn something good.

That even the mating bond could be twisted into something to punish him, something to prove his unworthiness. It was right there, and yet he couldn't have it. Would never be able to face that. The fact that he and his mate were everything that had made the other suffer. Why, he wondered, had he wanted it so? Had he not realized that to be granted that, he would have to look into the eyes of another and see himself reflected back? The one person that could break him.

After a lifetime of waiting, he had finally gotten what he wanted. But he had also finally gotten what he deserved.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i'm a LITTLE bit joking about my war on romance, but not really. its the isolating construct and its justification/advertisement in pop culture that i dislike, not anything about the existence of two people who want to be together because their lives are enhanced and nourished by their relationship. even if they fit the nuclear family. i love that people love each other and want to be together and i hate that there is no alternate way to briefly refer to this without calling it "romantic" and also i hate that even words like love and everything referring to the desire for and process of building such relationships is loaded with association with romance(tm), such as dating/crushes/marriage whatever etc. i mean, i don't love straight relationships no matter how against the norm they are because who does, but i dont want even those to be poisoned by the smothering crush of proper "romance." i dont want any relationships to be that way on account of it just brings guilt and shame and damaging self-denial and you know, isolation i also have a horse in the race as someone uninterested in a lifelong relationship with a single person, or even a relationship with any number of people where we get all emotionally intimate and stuff. i know life is unpredictable but luckily, even though if this was cishet romantic propaganda i'd learn the error of my ways by finding a charming [individual of the other cis binary gender] who wins my headstrong heart, i'm a gay so i cant contribute in the cishet narrative. but this goes along with the part how it doesnt matter if i do find and enjoy such a relationship in the future, as the present such-relationship-less version of myself is just as legitimate (also if a future self was in any relationship that any rando fuckin herbs were like "oh but that could be considered equivalent to a romantic relationship according to certain elements so just call it one" i'd introduce them to a swing or two. youve got cis people thinking their ideas are transcendent going "well if you define the binary genders this way or that way, everyone could be considered cis" and thats an infinitely dumbassed thing. unfortunately "nonromantic" is supposed to mean superfluous and no-kissing and of limited emotional scope/investment etc etc. and the idea of relationships is different from the idea of gender so) most of what bothers me is that as someone without a romantic relationship who can't be satisfied by considering myself as waiting/looking for a romantic relationship (which isnt a valid substitute anyhow for everyone being able to feel secure, supported, and content with whatever forms of relationships they have at any stage in their lives) then again i can be considered any number of the following: 1) having an inherently deficient life, 2) possibly having a pointless life, 3) being an inherently deficient person, 4) required to be of greatly reduced importance to everyone who has/gains a romantic relationship (supposedly literally everyone), 5) inherently disposable, etc. i have to resent that, and resent that any grievance with the idea of everyone pairing off and leaving it at that can only be resolved by accepting it. i dont want to feel like romance is attainable for me, but i would like to feel like im not doomed to being on the peripheral of the lives of everyone i interact with as a convenient source of interest instead of someone of value. you are inherently inferior and worth much less time/energy/love/attention if you can't be someone's romantic partner you know. like i'm not even saying that all relationships in anyones life have to be equal and interchangeable. just that its crap that there's meant to be only one relationship between adults which takes all precedence and is defined by whether you can eliminate all other relationships from your life in favor of it. that shit is not only bs for stuff like my case when you're not even about being with someone, but also people who do want to be with other people but aren't, and also people who are with other people. coz that is a nightmarish definition that doesnt even focus as much as what good things you find in a relationship as much as what other good relationships you could damage. god knows not everyone has infinite time but its ridiculous to think that friendships and any relationships with any level of intimacy can just continue without being given any effort or valued as something that can only exist 100% at ones convenience. and the isolating definition of romance is bad to feel one needs to adhere to coz that shit is gonna keep ppl from having a full life and require them to deny basic needs. thats just healthy sacrifice lol more like nah, not being selfish in a relationship is different from hurting yourself for the sake of the relationship Fun Fact I Forget: interestingly, re: how i complained about how i have to essentially define intimate, loving relationships (which can include friendships but according to romance friendships = limited importance, limited intimacy, no sex, no formal commitment, very limited physical affection, is the only other format of relationship besides romantic; aka why even "platonic" doesnt work as an alternate label bcoz the scope is so wide and its the idea of platonic sex/kissing/cohabiting becomes laughable when "platonic" = "not romantic") my own personal slang quickly evolved a substitute would-be equivalent to "romance." not so much anymore but i used to get a few confused asks about why i was calling a pairing between a boy and a girl "gay." and the answer is in part because bi ppl can call themselves gay and a bi relationship isnt straight just becoz some rando thinks it looks str8, but the realer answer is becoz i started using "gay" to the kinds of relationships that You Know Which Kind I Mean But I Have No Term To Refer To It As. like how "gay" also means any synonym of "good." it doesnt confuse people becoz often i am referring to obviously gay relationships as in not hetero, because those are better, but im also genuinely using "gay" as an alternate to "romantic" because i have to invent a word when romantic is practically synonymous with relationships and i dont want to invoke that construct. someones gotta do it. maybe i'll come up w/ another word, but "gay" became that word a year or two ago

[aquaticflames]

(THE SCREAMING ANON AGAIN) !!!!! CHAPTER TWO IS EQUALLY PERFECT I AM IN LOVE, AHHH THEY'RE ALREADY SO WORRIED ABOUT EACH OTHER THIS ???? IS PERFECT ????? AND THE PACING IS GREAT AND EVERYTHING AND JUST GAHHHHHHH <3 <3 I AM IN TDDK HEAVEN RIGHT NOW <3

ahhh, thank you for your kind words! again, pacing is something i really worry about, so i really appreciate this! and im happy to deliver the tddk ☆

((okay so im answering all your asks here cuz dude ilysm and i wanna do this all at once ♡ ♡ ♡ ))

—

“(I’M SO SORRY FOR ALL THE ASKS AHH I DON’T HAVE AN A03 TO SCREECH AT YOU ON D: ANYWAYS FEEL FREE TO IGNORE ME HAHA) AHHH I JUST LOVE HOW YOU’RE WRITING IT ALONGSIDE THE PLOT OF THE MANGA/ANIME AND STILL ADDING SO MUCH?? LIKE IT SEEMS LIKE A REALLY HARD THING TO DO BUT YOU HAVE /MASTERED/ IT”

ahh, dont apologise my dude! getting these asks has literally made my whole day~ i really wanted to follow the original story because i wanted to explore how the future diaries would change what happened, so im so glad to hear you think im executing it well! thats music to my ears! also i love Momo too, i love writing her so much, shes the best ♡

“AHHH CHAPTER 4 WAS SO INTENSE AND OMG OMG OMG YESSSSSSSSS MY SON TODO KNOWS™ AND MY EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I’M SO !!!!! IN LOVE !!!!! WITH YOUR WRITING !!!!!!! JUST OMG OMG YOU’RE SO GOOD AT THIS AND I AM V V V EXCITED TO KEEP READING”

thANK YOU SO MUCH omg im kinda dying?? the fact that you love my writing?? dude thats so precious, im literally smiling like an idiot over here. im also glad you like reading more!! ☆

“AHHH DADMIGHT WE ARE TRULY BLESSED, YOU’RE WRITTEN HIM SO WELL AND I AM STILL SCREECHING HIS CONVERSATION WITH IZUKU IS SO GOOD AND PURE, MY LIFE IS BETTERED, I AM BLESSED, THANK YOU !!!! ALSO “I’m glad you’re okay.” I AM GLAD HE’S OKAY TOO TODO BUT NOW I AM VERY MUCH /NOT/ OKAY, THIS IS TOO GOOD TOO BEAUTIFUL AND I CANNOT HANDLE IT AHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’VE WRITTEN THESE DORKS SO WELLLLLLL AND IT’S BREAKING ME”

ahhh thank you!! Dadmight fics are some of my favourite so i really wanted to not only include it in APTT but to also do it well, and i sound like a broken record but im so glad to hear that you think im writing it well!! such a relief, i really appreciate it~ and my guy, im glad you love the dorks, i love them too ♡ i loVE YOU TOO ANON ♡ ♡ ♡

“AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT WASN’T POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LOVE INKO ANY MORE ??? YOU COME ALONG AND JUST ??? WOW MY HEART I’M SCREAMING STILL SHE’S SO PURE AND I LOVE HER”

okAY i feel very strongly about Midoriya Inko. she is an amazing character who is underrated and tbh i am giving her the love she deserves. so hearing that my writing made you love her more??? im in heaven. literally. and my guy the tddk in APTT is only gonna get dorkier, they are neRDS and no-one can tell me otherwise despite their cool(ish) exteriors. thank you again! ☆

“OMG OMG OMG ENDEAVOR IS A DICK AND I H A T E HIM LIKE YOU BASTARD LEAVE MY BEAUTIFUL SON ALONE I’M REALLY SCARED HE’LL TAKE THE CELL AWAY AND OMG THIS IS SO TENSE PLS STOP HURTING ME (but also don’t this is a beautiful pain) ANYWAY BACK TO CAPS !!! IZUKU GOING SOMEWHERE QUIET WITH TODO !!! IS PERFECT AND I AM TEARING UP, THE FLUFFIEST OF FLUFF, THE CONVERSATION AND TODO’S THOUGHTS ARE ACTUALLY KILLING ME OMG ALSO FUYUMI”

(besides m*neta who imo doesn’t exist, amirite) Endeavour is literally my least favourite character in the whole series?? like forget Shigaraki & AFO (if youve read the manga?? i hope you have oops) he’s so despicable. i plan to write more on him but im glad you hate him as much as i do. like i said, more of that to come :) and you can rip the “izuku notices shouto’s Distress™ and endearingly helps him” headcanon from my Cold. Dead. Hands. i will run this resevoir dry so brace yourself. ^^

“ahhh the all-caps anon, i’m really sorry for sending all the messages omg it was like ‘you can’t send any for the next hour’ and i was like … ok shit i got really carried away there didn’t i D: BUT ANYWAY THE LAST CHAPTERS !!!! WERE BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVED THE INKO/DADMIGHT”

omg that literally made me laugh out loud in the middle of nowhere ontop of a volcano, ily ♡ and again inKO AND DADMIGHT ARE MY FAVE, ive read some of those fics and i would honestly get them all leatherbound and put on my bookshelf. it is just. the best. and im?? so happy?? that reading APTT cheered you up?? dude im kinda melting and ive said this a million times but ilysm ♡ ♡ ♡

p.s btw, i love the way you sent an ask in for like?? every chapter of APTT that just fills my heart with so much warmth~ i hope i can continue to deliver writing that you enjoy, and if you do enjoy it feel absolutely free to scream at me again! when i return from Italy ill draw something for you, lmao ilysm how could i not ♡