#sometimes i just need a space to scream into the void and tbh im not used to having a following on tumblr

[penumbrialhexandroga]

So i really want a space where i can just write about and share my experiences / scream into the void.

Im unsure if i should make a livejournal for this? I feel like it would be potentially less likely to gain viewership than a tumblr. Hmm i can feel a lot of parts activating but i cant decipher what they think. And then theres W whos jjst like, are you seriously trying to so this again? After the shit show that was the last time? Why do you think you deleted your old blog in the first place?

I have parts. Everyone has parts. It's not a pathological thing to have parts. Im practicing IFS therapy with my therapist. I see him once every two weeks.

I want a space where i can truly be myself, authentically and raw and uncensored. Because i wasnt really able to develop a cohesive feeling of self as i was growing up.

"Leave this for therapy, dont put this online; youre attention seeking" - im not doing this for views im doing this because i want to fit in :( i want to do the things i never allowed myself to do in the past. I want a presence on social media, not so others can look at me but so i can participate in some way. Im supposed to be going against my patterns of avoidance and hiding in isolation.

I do not have DID! So full stop, i dont want to participate in the syscourse stuff. When i look up stuff about osdd and DID on this website, everything is so disconnected from my personal experience. I do have a plethora of other diagnosed mental health conditions though. Such as autism, thats one im very open about. Level 1. But i dont want this to be about labels. I finally reached a stage where im like, i dont care about the labels, my experience is what it is and no diagnostic label will change that. I used to think that i needed a diagnostic label in order to understand my experience, but i dont think that anymore.

I dont feel like i can talk to anyone in my personal life about my experiences, besides my therapist and i only see him once every other week :/

Man i wish i never deleted my old blog :/

My therapist sometimes will talk directly to my parts. Not sometimes, often, like every session tbh. Ive shared about one of my experiences in a discord group im in (its small and very much focused on DID as an extension of cptsd not as an alter disorder or the syscourse stuff. I found it when i was looking for a cptsd server focused on IFS. I said its focused on did as an extension.... but its more focused on just healing from trauma disorders, it advertises as a cptsd server it just has systems in it and system sections, but its not like a plural discord or anything. Its very healthy and focused on healing and being grounded from what i can tell)

Anywayssss i shared about one of my experiences where i was in a really emotional state (thinking why cant i just stop? I wish i could just stop! [Feeling this way]" and then it felt like the camera lens switched out and i felt my whole body relax and all my emotions from before were just gone and i was able to get on with my business like nothing had even happened. And one of the members (with DID) said that that sounds like how they experience some of their switches!! And i just responded that i know it all exists on a spectrum. I dont have time loss or anything. God okay now i can feel myself getting all in my head. I just wanted to practice being vulnerable and honest on here so i could get that road block out of the way. Im totally sober. (Sometimes i want to do this kind of thing when im stoned but i stop myself).

Ill be honest. When i went to get assessed for autism i also mentioned how my old therapist said i had "dissociative tendencies". So my psych, he didnt specialize in that area. He said he could give me a form to fill out and he'd put the results onto my final report, but it wouldnt be a diagnosis. Id have to see a specialist about whatever result there was. So he gave me the SCID-D to fill out. And my results were consistent with "PTSD, DID, and a possible somatoform disorder". This was three years ago. I cried after reading it because it was such a shock. I thought i might have DP/DR or maaaaybe OSDD but absolutely no way DID. It scared me so much that i didnt do anything about it.

Then, a few years later i think, i was in college. University actually, i managed to get into a really good one and i transferred over. Eventually i started to lose my mind. It was a lot. I might write about it in more detail later but it can be hard to think about sometimes. I was hearing voices. I was experiencing extreme motor and vocal tics. I wasnt safe to drive and i eventually did drop out (not before making the Deans List though 😎), but i was also broke and needed a job and just couldnt manage logistically. Plus there was a long period of time where i just did not feel safe to drive. I started seeing my current therapist during this "Episode". At the time i was conviced i had DID and i really had dove head first into the online system community stuff. I had zeroooo capacity for critical thinking at this time. In fact i had one experience that was completely real to me but ill never really be able to know if it actually happened or not. I was scrolling TikTok lives after midnight, and when i entered this one the host said "oh perfect and heres Little [my irl name, not my username]. He only comes out after midnight. You have to be careful because when youre in this state people are going to try to take advantage of you". Obviously scared the hell out of me and i ended up driving myself deeper into madness trying to rationalize how it couldve happened. But it was a lot of stuff like that. It was a really really difficult time for me.

Anyways. Started seeing my current therapist. Its been over a year now, actually over two years i think? Ive reconnected with a lot of my parts that i first connected with during that episode. Once the episode dissipated i thought that, all the parts id met were just imaginary and i was out of my mind misinterpreting things. But now ive been in therapy for a while and my parts have spoken with my therapist, hes validated their existance and talks with them. Even my tendency to shut down those feelings, theres a part that when im trying to connect with my parts will say "stop deluding yourself, this is pointless". I want to work more with this part because i can feel it holds so much misery and hopelessness :(. But anyways, my therapist has helped me to see that part that diminishes my experiences, tells me the parts arent real, that i never went through anything bad, is a defense mechanism to help me survive those rough experiences that i did go through.

Im a big fan of IFS because i can work with and accept my parts without pathologizing them. A huge fear i had when i got that final report back was that my family had abused me in ways that were so severe i cant remember them. It made me paranoid. But thats not baggage that i need to carry. Everyone has parts. My working with my parts, doing the hard work, is working. My parts developed to help me survive my unique experience. To navigate the labyrinth. I love my parts. Okay well not all my parts love my parts i guess lool.

**** id thought id edit this. I didnt read all of what i wrote because its a fuck ton. Anyways i usually do not care, its a spectrum (not from easier to severe >:( like autism is sorta) disorder and the treatment is the same. My experience is what it is and a label doesnt change that. Sometimes i just get obsessive about things but its not like. What i believe at my core :). I do have parts that are like pathological tho. Like they developed from overwhelming trauma and do their best to protect me!

[landgraabbed]

REPLIES HERE!

@romeo-and-simulet : and your stomach is still the best stomach

YES it isss i’ll never make khal wear anything else

@romeo-and-simulet : I AM SO DEAD SO DEAD SO DEAD ALREADY AND ITS ONLY STARTING AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

SAAAAAAAME I CRY

@romeo-and-simulet : at this point, everything gives me life and death equally

deepest apologies for the pain bby :o

@romeo-and-simulet : fuck u

:ooooo

@romeo-and-simulet : can i adopt khal as my mum too

yes please! this boy was born to be a mommy

@romeo-and-simulet : smh @ ur tags i cant believe we are friends

BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK 2GETHER SMH

@romeo-and-simulet : FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKKKKKKKKKKK

;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

@romeo-and-simulet : AAAAAA T H E O U T F I T

YESSSSSS i swear this dang outfit is more memorable to me than jess’ wedding dress tbh........

@romeo-and-simulet : YES YOU DO MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD

annie and khal’s ghosts screaming DOOOOO IIIIIITT behind jess’ shoulder

@bonnypixels : well that was surprising XD how did that happen, zazz?

careless whisper playing in the distance as kade drenches himself in sakura tea

@romeo-and-simulet : pr...eGANANANT??????????????

can....... u...... get PRRRREGANTE??

@romeo-and-simulet : i cannot believe youll make me wait till tomorrow

my queue is satan is why

@romeo-and-simulet : JESSSSSSSSSS BBYYYYYYY AND NOSES

this is just in jess and mal HAVE MATCHING NOSES I CRY FOR THESE NERDS

@romeo-and-simulet : THOSE STUPID FACES I HATE THEM SO MUCH AAAAAAAA THESE IDIOTS

I WILL SUE THEM FOR MORAL DAMAGE

@romeo-and-simulet : eleven what is eleven. time no longer exists and neither does space. all there is is monster legs, bad shoulders and my ghost, floating around them in the void. good bye world good bye gen 8

aaaaaand this is annie on 8 cuils. im sorry i have many regrets and this is most of them i will play a miniature violin v badly in ur honor. but GEN 8 MUST COME

@romeo-and-simulet : yes yes it has been waiting long enough now you might as well have a jolly good time right here and i will watch For Science

god imagine the political scandal that would b tho mal would get fired faster than they would finish. *victor voice* public fornication is NOT SFE’s plans my boy

@romeo-and-simulet : after you told me what you told me im feeling this on such a deep level and its beautiful jess is beautiful

AAAAAAAAAA IM CRYING also this makes me think that i never Tell anything if its not for Emotional Evil

@romeo-and-simulet : this is how ppl die jess smh

and here i was thinkin it was bc of political corruption and bribes and cupcakes

@romeo-and-simulet : the great mysteries of africa

@david attenborough pls make a doc on cowplants

@romeo-and-simulet : ALSO WELCOME TO...SIDEBOOB TOWN?

HELL YEAA I WANT TO LIV TERE

@romeo-and-simulet : bby girl need some more grilled cheese

she doooooo im crying

@theothercausims : so gorgeous!

aaaaaa thank you so much!!

@myshvno : WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE MIDDLE LEFT W H A T

jess dropped her ring and mal found it and returned it to her!! ;) what a good samaritan

@romeo-and-simulet : can i order a supportive cinnamon khal too

yes you can and if you order two you get an extra blanket to keep them cozy!!

@romeo-and-simulet : i wonder what else hes been eating apart from the food jess cooked 👀

i know i saw this comment already but I CRIED AND SCREAMED AGAIN ALL THE MEALS THIS BOY COULD WANT A DIVERSE AND HEALTHY DIET

@romeo-and-simulet : that big tiddy

tbh it terrifies me lmao

@romeo-and-simulet : save me from his face with those upped thirst levels please

👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀

@romeo-and-simulet : tHE PIPE IS LEAKING TODAY IS SOM DAY MAN

👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀  INTENSIFIES

@romeo-and-simulet : i too aspire to sleep all day

the dream

@myshvno : omg hes so cute when he’s in love mal just do it alreadyy

he too needs a motivational shia video smh but few things make mal feel like an awkward noodle

@romeo-and-simulet : my boy....

pls teach him out to eat properly

@romeo-and-simulet : dat ass tho

👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀  one must know their assets

@davidmont : OMG

i KNOWWWWW SOMETIMES THE REALITY OF THEM HAVING A COWPLANT IS SCARY

@romeo-and-simulet : PRRRRRREGANTE

AT LEAST HES NOT PERGNUT

@romeo-and-simulet : ahdmbajshgbdfg

SAME i feel this on so many levels

@romeo-and-simulet : gEOFFREY WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS RUIN THINGS

geoffrey is the embodiment of gold star u tried....... he tries to do good but is a bumbling father help him

@romeo-and-simulet : HE LOOKS SO FLUFFY AND SOFT I WANT TO RUB MY FACE AGAINST HIS RIGHT NOW PLEASE

SUHFFSUFDHFSHFE IDK HOW HED FEEL ABT THAT U MUST TRY AND TELL ME

[teddyaltman]

all the even numbers yo

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? yeeees omg it is snowing here rn and we just went outside and i love it i love it i looooove feeling cold but only on a lil bit of my body i hate it when im all over cold4: how do you take your coffee/tea? black and strong, no tea thanks6: do you keep plants? yes, i have one money plant and it’s now named sophie courtesy of delani8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? screaming into the void (cross stitch)10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? stomach unless i’m with someone else and then probs side12: what's your favorite planet? uranus duh jk mars is bright tonight14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? so my best friend has a flat in london and it’s gorgeous and i would like to live there tbh, its just full of things that make us happy like harry potter wands and two tvs so you can play xbox together on two screens and things from travels around the world and a piano and i just love it16: what's your favorite pasta dish? a no pasta dish 18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. the time i fainted at may’s nephews graduation and got an ambulance called they’re never gonna let me live that shit down20: what's your favorite eye color? idon’t rly have a favourite but i like when you’re looking at someones eyes and they’re smiling back at u22: are you a morning person? yes! i like to get up early and curl up with a coffee and a book on a day off or when i have work i get up early to walk buddy or meg and then watch neighbours while i eat my breakfast 24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? i literally talk to my dad about eveyrthing, also dan, my mum and my sisters i never keep secrets from26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? my flowery docs!28: sunrise or sunset? oOOoOOh both?? okay gun to my head sunrise over a lake is the most beautiful thing 30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. when we were at uni dan and i used to call each other in the middle of the night if we were walking home drunk and we just used to talk and talk about anything and everything until the drunk one was sober enough to sleep34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? a bunny called bunny that i got when i was born (okay well actually its a replacement cos i lost the original in a service station in france on the way to disney when i was 2) but i still have it and it’s gross because i used to fall asleep by chewing on her ears and holding her tight around the neck so she looks awful but she’s still my bunny 36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? sugarland38: tell us about your pet peeves! idk i don’t like it when people ignore me40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? i have a wolf necklace that mg bought me for secret santa one year its gorgeous and i love necklaces and most of mine are anchors or giraffes but the wolf one is so amazing and so me and i love it42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! starbs dude im easy44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? laying on the sofa in my snug on dec 27th 46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i cannot think of a single pun i suck48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? being abandoned and yep probs50: what's an odd thing you collect? HAHAH i collect SO MANY THINGS i have a collection pROBLEM okay i collect hurricane hard rock glasses, and i collect US quarters and i collect those special cups you can buy at the cinema sometimes and mugs from places i love and i have a p good pop funko collection and a hELLUVA lot of DVDS just idk if you can buy a ~collectors thing i probably will im a sucker for advertisement52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? its been like a week but omg the hollywood sign one

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? my sister when she just watched derek die on grey’s56: what are some things you find endearing in people? when they ramble on about something thye love, when people are so passionate you can feel it radiating off them, when someone tries their best to make you smile when you’re upset, when people pat dogs 58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? marygrace is the vodka aunt im probs the wine mom 60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? yeah but i don’t read a whole lot of it, idk i like simple stuff 62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? eh not rly sometimes apple or cranberry but not often i just drink coffee64: what color is the sky where you are right now? WHITE cos SNOW66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? any flower crown is an ideal flower crown68: what's winter like where you live? coldish, and grey v grey but i like the feeling of the cold mist snaking around you and seeing your breath when you’re walking and wearing a hat to keep ur lil ears warm!! sometimes it snows and ilove that70: have you ever used a ouija board? lmao no but i would LOVE to72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? at work i keep so many notes about eveyrthing but i have a p photographic memory so i don’t rly need to its just so i can make sure stuff is organised and so i can show that i’ve listened to what people want74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. loud and passionate and so caring, finds an unrelenting joy in the most unexpected of things and is so strong and honest and proud. hates zombie culture. 76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? nope! 78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? love a good minion80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? they’re cream bc my sisters and i used to switch around a lot so we all got them painted the same so it didn’t matter and we could stick up whatever we wanted to make it our own space. i did have a jungle room at one point and the walls were orange that was cool and in my hp room i had one RED wall for gryffindor that was awesome82: are/were you good in school? english, particularly lit, history, food tech, film, maths but i Hated that uuuh i was a good student - not a great one bc i was lazy and dumb in school and didn’t study like i  should have done but i did p well 84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? yessss i want an anchor on my ankle and expecto patronum on my wrist and delta lyrics on my ribs and also ‘faith, trust & pixie dust’86: do you like concept albums? which ones? what88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? impressionists90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. chicago is one of the best cities i have ever been too and i’m so lucky to have lived so close for a year it’s just so vibrant and full of life but not ~super busy so you feel crushed and rushed all the time and i rly loved it bUT also shoutout to brisbane which was a huge surprise how much i loved it and i explored it on a segway which was incredible and obvs sydney owns my lil heart and i wanna stare at the opera house forever92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? i hate pasta94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? jesus96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? ha remind me tomorrow pls98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? in the blue mountains in aus! yeah i love to hike except im not a fan of hills, whenever i hike with dan he gets me to explain the plots of tv shows to him to distract me he’s the best100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? def the future bc i have some great memories of the past 5 years and i wouldn’t be who i am today without them but i do not want to go back and relive them thanks