#soonyoung angst | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

starsstuddedsky · 9 months

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What? Like It’s Hard?

gn reader x soonyoung

summary: With the help of a little bit of bleach, Soonyoung is certified legally blonde–complete to last minute-dedication to scoring as high as Elle Woods on the LSAT. While he has no interest in law school, he’s notorious for never turning down a dare. So how does a frat bro in serious danger of failing his senior year get a 179? He asks the smartest person he knows.

Or, studying for a law test has never seen this much chemistry.

genre: fluff, angst, non-idol au, uni au, friends to lovers, opposites attract

warnings: swearing, drinking, food, arguing, a couple sex jokes, one spicy scene at the end but no actual smut, refusal to acknowledge feelings, what's the word for beyond oblivious????

full wc: 24.3k

playlist! - i'm not very good at this but i tried to add songs alternating between yn and soonyoung :)

a/n: hello!! first of all, sorry this so long! it's been a very very busy summer. thank you to everyone who has continued to show interest in the story, it's really kept me going. i honestly have no idea what this is anymore but i hope it does not disappoint :) as always i appreciate feedback of any form <3 thank you again for reading and have a lovely day! finally, happy scoups day :)

a/n2: a special shout out to @chocolatemilk139 for being my beta and for helping me fact check... why do i keep writing about lawyers when i know absolutely nothing about the field.......

“Nope.” You grab your backpack, shoving your laptop inside, but he gets to your water bottle before you can reach it.

“Come on.” Soonyoung pouts his lips.

“I won’t do it,” you say.

Soonyoung hugs your water bottle hostage against his chest, dark blue hiding in the crook of his elbow, bright against the pale pink sweater he wears. It’s an unusual choice for him, normally clad in baggy jeans and loose t-shirts. Still, the color highlights his new hair, blonde bordering on white. Hardly the first time he’s done something insane for a bet.

“Please! I’m desperate!” He cries again, stepping closer, though he keeps a firm grip on your water bottle. You never should have told him how emotionally attached you are to it; you should have known it would be held against you.

“No,” you say. You sling your backpack on, just in case he gets any other ideas. The other students shoot dirty looks at you, actually in the library to study (like you were, until Soonyoung arrived). So you grab him by the arm, rolling your eyes at how he jerks the water bottle out of reach.

“Walk and talk, we’re not doing this here,” you say, folding your arms over your chest.

“Come on, how hard can it be?” Soonyoung asks. “It’s just a test.”

“Just a test?” You snort. “Soonyoung, you are aware that most people don’t apply to law school on a dare?”

“I don’t have to get into law school!” He says, “just get a 179 on the LSAT.”

As if that makes it any better. You eye Soonyoung and his tight grip on the plastic. Maybe it’s a lost cause and you should just swing by the bookstore to get a new one instead. But that water bottle has butterfly stickers that have survived since freshman year and a dent from the time Jun tried to use it as a weapon in a fight against Jihoon (that was declared a draw when the bottle busted open and doused both of them equally); it holds memories better than water and you’ll be damned if you let Soonyoung hold it hostage.

“That’s actually harder,” you mumble. From the corner of your eye, you can see him tucking the blue bottle under his right arm, farthest from you. This won’t be easy, especially since you saw the poorly disguised thirst trap of him and one of his frat bros at the gym: those arms are not to be underestimated.

“I’ll pay you!”

“With what money?”

Soonyoung pauses. You’ve reached the exit by now, sunlight warming you through the glass doors. He turns to the sunlight, and you know he’s pretending to be a main character from an artsy film (not that he’s ever seen on). He takes a deep breath, as if he already regrets what he has to say next.

“Okay, I’ll offer you the only services I have.” He turns to face you, eyes on the floor.

“Oh my god, Soonyoung!” You shove his shoulder. “You are not selling your body for a test!”

“But it’s all I know!” He says. He pokes your arms. “You could have so much muscle if you lifted just twice a week.”

“Oh.” You blink at him. “You meant working out?”

“What did you think I meant?”

You feel heat rush into your cheeks. You push the door open, praying Soonyoung doesn’t notice. “It doesn’t matter,” you say, not daring to check if he’s following. “I don’t have time to workout.”

“Then what do you want?” Soonyoung asks. He stays just out of reach, adjusting his grip so that the water bottle hangs from his hand. “Please, I’ll do anything!”

“Why do you need me?”

“Because you’re the smartest person I know,” he says without hesitation. In the three years of your friendship, you’ve learned that the only time Soonyoung isn’t serious is when he flirts.

“You are,” he insists. “Plus you’ve already taken it, so you’re my best chance. My only chance, it’s not like I have a good track record with tests.” He gives you a lopsided smile as he tries to pretend like he’s joking. But Soonyoung has always been easy to read. You see the sparkle in his eyes dim, and you remember freshman Soonyoung–when he failed the midterm and holed up in his room in the frat house for two full days, not even venturing out to drink. It’s that damn sparkle that gets to you. He isn’t paying attention anymore, water bottle hanging loosely from his hand, but you can’t bring yourself to snatch it.

“You can pass it,” you say with a sigh. “It’s about studying correctly.”

“I don’t know,” Soonyoung says. “I’ve never really studied.”

“Well, that’s what I’ll teach you.”

Soonyoung freezes, grabbing your arm. “Seriously?” When you turn to face him, his smile is so bright it warms you from the inside out, hotter than the actual sun on your skin. He throws his arms around you, wrapping you in a hug so tight he lifts you off the ground. Your heart does this strange thing where it hops into your throat. Your arms come up as a reflex but his embrace is too tight for you to even hug him back.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He shouts. He doesn’t let go, even when he sets you back down. He loosens his arms just enough to look at you, the full force of his smile directed at you. “I swear you’re welcome at the frat house any time, I’ll buy you anything you want when I have money, I’ll drive you wherever you want if I can get Seungcheol’s car, I’ll do whatever, just thank you, thank you, thank you.”

You know you should answer, or say something, but thinking is too much when he’s so close you can smell the strangely sweet combination of laundry detergent, cologne, and sweat. You push out of his arms, snagging your water bottle on the way out.

“It’s whatever,” you mumble. Though his arms aren’t around you anymore, you feel strangely hot, like your blood is boiling, and your heart still pounds.

“It is not whatever,” Soonyoung declares. “I swear, whatever you want, I’ll do it.” He holds a hand over his heart and if it was anyone else you’d think they were joking but it’s Soonyoung: he’s deadly serious.

You can’t handle his gaze anymore, turning to study your beat up sneakers. “Really? You’ll get my first edition copy of Pride and Prejudice from Jun?”

“I’ll get that book back.” He glances at you. “It is a book, right?”

“Yeah,” you say. “Though there’s been some good adaptations.”

“That’s the one with the zombies?”

“Zombies?” You frown. “Oh my god, do you mean Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?”

“That’s not the original book?”

“No,” you say, laughing. “The original is Jane Austen, in the 1800s.”

“Oh,” Soonyoung says.

“I’ve actually never seen that one,” you say. “It’s the only adaptation I haven’t seen.”

“How many movies are there?”

“Well, there’s the 1940 adaptation, the BBC series that’s widely regarded as the most faithful adaptation, the 2005 Kiera Knightley movie that’s iconic, plus the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, which is a vlog-style Youtube adaptation. Then of course there’s Jane Austen’s other works, like Persuasion, which, the new one, for the record, was a terrible adaptation.” You stop when you realize you’re dangerously close to going on what Jihoon calls ‘an Austen tirade.’

“I liked the movie,” he says after a pause. “I don’t know if it was that good, or close to the books. But it was fun.”

“I’ll have to watch it, then,” you say. “I know it’s the obvious choice, but Pride and Prejudice really is my favorite Jane Austen novel. Good luck getting it back from Jun though. He’s studying abroad this semester.”

“He’s the friend from your history class?”

“No, that’s Jihoon, my roommate,” you say. “Jun was in my language class.”

“I thought you hated everyone in that class.”

“Oh, I did,” you say. “But Jun is friends with Jihoon, so he sort of just became my friend too.”

Soonyoung hums, saying nothing else. You don’t recognize the song, though you tend to mostly listen to classical music when you study or whatever Jihoon blasts from his room, so it’s not that surprising. The melody is nice, though. Well, Soonyoung’s voice is.

“I really am grateful,” Soonyoung says. “I know I was begging, because I don’t think I can do this without you–well, I don’t know if I can do it with you, but you’re my only hope and–I’m rambling again.” He flashes a smile. “The point is, thank you.”

You shrug, feeling shy under his gaze. “It’ll help me study anyways,” you say. “You learn a lot when you teach.”

“I thought you already took it?”

“I only got a 150,” you say, sighing. “I need at least a 165.”

Soonyoung nods, forehead creasing like it always does when he’s lost in thought. “Thank you anyway.”

“Well, you swore to do whatever I tell you,” you say, desperate to change the subject. “Don’t think I won’t abuse that.”

“Oh, YN,” he says, “I’m counting on it.” He even winks.

You cough, choking at the outright flirting. Soonyoung hasn’t tried a line on you in so long you thought he’d used them all. He isn’t serious–it was engraved in his DNA the second he became a fully fledged member of Sigma Beta Tau but it’s not like many people flirt with you, so it’s hard to stop your heart from jumping.

You check your phone, unable to look him in the eyes. It’s 2:18 now, prime naptime if you can get back to your apartment before Jihoon gets back. But if it’s past two, unless he lied to you at the start of the semester, that means Soonyoung should be in his data ethics class. “Hey, don’t you have class right now?”

Soonyoung glances at the time on his phone. “Shit.” He takes off, sprinting across the grass, dodging three picnics and narrowly avoiding getting rocked in the back of the head by a frisbee. He pauses at the edge, turning back around to wave wildly at you.

“Thank you!” He shouts. The picnickers glance between you and him and you can feel the blush returning. Soonyoung doesn’t notice all the eyes on him, waving like a goofball one final time before sprinting off again. Like a whirlwind, he’s gone again, leaving you to stroll across campus and wonder what you just signed up for.

Soonyoung’s brow furrows into a frown, lips pulling together in a pout. He rests his chin on his hands, looking up at you from the table like a puppy that knows he’s in trouble. “That bad?”

“Your analytical reasoning was good!” You say, not wanting to destroy him just yet. “The logical analysis wasn’t that bad either, you just need practice.”

“Wasn’t there a third section?”

“The score for reading comprehension was pretty bad.” Horrendous, actually, but you can’t tell him that, not when he’s deflating faster than a balloon at a knife throwing contest. He sits back, head knocking lightly against the back of the stiff library chairs.

“We can work with this! It’s really not that bad,” you say. You reach out instinctively, wrapping your hands over his hands. Your thumb rests against the soft smooth skin of the back of his hand, the rest of your fingers brushing lightly against his calloused fingers. You jerk back when you realize what you’re doing, patting his hands once and grabbing the workbook in front of him as if it’s what you meant to do all along. You study the upside down words, not daring to look at the disgust that’s probably painted on Soonyoung’s face.

“You can start with practicing the logic problems,” you say, flipping through the work book. “I’ll figure out a strategy for the reading portion.”

Soonyoung heaves a sigh, sitting up and hunching over the workbook. You flip open one of your old workbooks and try to pretend like you’re not trying to melt away from embarrassment.

“This isn’t very much teaching,” Soonyoung says without looking up. “Lots of problem solving.”

“I don’t really know what I’m doing either,” you say. “I just watched a lot of youtube videos when I was studying last year. I should have known better than to take it over the summer, though.”

Soonyoung glances up. “How come?”

You chew on your lip. You’ve known Soonyoung for a while now, but you’ve never talked to him like this, mentioning any real things other than complaining about roommates. Soonyoung would listen, probably say the ‘right’ things, but it’s a study session, so you just say, “Just not good timing.”

He nods, returning to his humming. You turn to your own workbook, trying to figure out how to get Soonyoung to actually read the passages for the reading comprehension. Twenty minutes pass in an instant and Soonyoung drops his pencil, sliding his journal with the answers back in front of you. You flip to the answer key, scanning between the two.

“When are you taking it again?” Soonyoung asks while he waits.

“Just before Halloween,” you say. Exactly 38 days from now, according to the IMPENDING DOOM countdown clock on your phone.

“That soon?”

You shrug. “I wanted to give myself time to take it again in case I bomb it and it had to be before midterms, so, yeah.”

“Is it really that bad to take all your tests at once?” Soonyoung asks.

“I mean, finals week pretty much kills me every semester. I actually thought I was cutting it close with only two weeks between it and midterms.”

“Is November cutting it too close?”

“Depends on when in November you plan on taking it,” you say, “though you probably won’t be able to take it again if you don’t like your score.”

“Not a problem for me,” Soonyoung says. He doesn’t waver against your raised eyebrow. “I’m getting that 179, first try.”

“You’re that confident?”

“In you.” He winks. “Also the bet is off if I don’t get it on the first try.”

You nod. “Yeah, that makes more sense.” You glance at your calendar. “

“November 18th.”

“That’s not too bad, you dodged between midterms and finals, there should be plenty of cram time.”

Soonyoung shrugs. “I just scheduled it so that I would get the results before the Christmas party.”

“I didn’t think you would be the religious type.”

“Oh, I’m not,” he says. “The frat has this annual post-finals party before people go back home for holiday break, usually on the last day of finals. There’s no way I’m letting Seungkwan get away with my hard earned Playstation, and there’s no way he’d miss the party.”

“You can’t just buy your own game?”

“It’s a console actually,” he says, “and that’s not the point.” You prepare for some lecture about honor or frat code or something overly dramatic and inspired by any of the countless war propaganda movies he loves, but he closes his mouth.

“I guess it doesn’t really matter,” you say. You turn back his sheet, half the answers marked with a dark blue X because red feels too cruel. “You’re clearly committed.”

He sighs at the answers, flipping back to the first question and frowning. You think the conversation is over, but without looking up from glaring at the right answers, he says, “You should come.”

“To?”

“The Christmas party.”

You stare at the top of his head but he doesn’t seem to notice. You wonder how he manages to keep his hair so blonde without ruining his scalp but you don’t see any dandruff. “Me?” You finally say.

“You said you’d come, like, freshman year,” he says. “You never did.”

You did promise, back when you saw him for class every day. But frat parties weren’t your scene back then. They aren’t your scene now. Nothing about blasting music and binge drinking appeals to you, and yet Soonyoung peeking at you from his notebook makes you feel guilty anyways. He looks at you like he really doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to go.

And that’s the worst part: for Soonyoung, you would go. When he looks at you with the damn Soonyoung Sparkle, you’d do anything.

“I’ll… think about it,” you finally say.

He looks at you for a moment longer, then nods, like he didn’t really expect you to say yes. You try not to feel like you’re letting him down.

“Can you explain this one to me,” he asks, turning the book so you can see it from across the table.

You skim the question, which turns out to be a series of questions about stained glass windows. You take a moment to glance between Soonyoung’s answers and the correct ones.

“Walk me through your process,” you say.

“Okay, I start with…”

“Soonyoung, are you even listening?”

He blinks at you, lifting his head from his arms. “Something about strategies? For reading?”

You snap the book shut, shaking your head. You open your mouth, speech on responsibility and studying on the tip of your tongue but one look into Soonyoung’s Sparkle Eyes (patent pending) and all the words are gone. You really need to figure out how to get around that super power.

“Come on, it’s so nice out,” he says. “We should be outside.” He grabs your hand. “This is not studying weather, this is dating weather.”

“Soonyoung your test is in two months, you seriously want to skip?” You don’t dignify the second part of his complaint with a response. The idea of Soonyoung on a date makes your stomach flip.

He sighs. “No, but it’s October, we won’t get many more nice days, so can we at least go outside?”

You hesitate a heartbeat too long and Soonyoung jumps up. He closes the workbook, knocking loose papers off the table and sending highlighters of every color flying in every direction. The chaos earns a couple side eyes from the people around you and a full on glare from the person directly next to him, but Soonyoung, as Soonyoung as ever, doesn’t seem to notice. He picks up the papers and highlighters, shoving them into his backpack without a folder and slinging it over his shoulder. You can only follow him, grabbing the drinks before he tries to carry them along his laptop. When it comes to Soonyoung, mixing liquids and technology is more dangerous than mixing alcohols. You haven’t forgotten The Coffee Incident, flooding his backpack at 8 in the morning.

He drags you out of the library, though you don’t put up much of a fight. Soonyoung makes you want to relax, just a little, and when he smiles back at you as soon as he steps out of the sunlight, you find you don’t regret a thing.

Soonyoung pulls his emergency blanket out of his blanket, passing it to you. He’s more prepared for naps than any class he’s ever taken but the thin fabric is soft so who are you to judge? He heads straight for the quad, which is already filled with people, some groups of friends, too many obvious couples with heads in each other's laps or arms wrapped around each other. Soonyoung settles down in a relatively unpopulated corner, taking the blanket back to shake it out the blanket a few times before laying it flat on the ground.

Soonyoung groans when you pull out the workbooks as soon as you sit down. “There isn’t anything more fun to study?”

“Soonyoung, it’s the LSAT,” you say. “It’s not really meant to be fun.”

“But–”

“You’re the one that wanted to go outside,” you remind him, tapping his arm with a pen. “If you’re too distracted we’ll have to go back into the library.”

He gazes at the other people laughing for a long moment before turning to face you again. You raise your eyebrows and he takes the workbook from your hands, flipping it open to the sticky-note bookmark.

The next twenty minutes are relatively quiet, the only noise coming from the chatter of the people around you, too far away to clearly hear, and Soonyoung humming while working through practice problems. You’re not sure if he even realizes he’s doing it, though he bobs his head slightly. You wonder what Soonyoung is like when he isn’t trying to get out of studying–even outside of the party invites you’ve avoided, you rarely see him on campus (because you aren’t on campus when you don’t have to be). You almost went to dinner with him to celebrate passing the business class freshman year where you met him, but you got food poisoning and he never rescheduled.

It’s for the best, though. Even like this, tutoring him minus payment of any kind, you can tell that spending too much time with him will be dangerous. He flirts so easily it feels genuine, and even though he can be ridiculous, he’s never been anything but lovely to you. And it doesn’t help that he’s hot. He glances up, as if he can feel you staring, but he just flashes a smile at you and ducks his head again. Damn frat bros with endearing charms that melt you like the perfect grilled cheese.

Perfectly blue without a cloud in sight, the sky is an empty canvas above you. The air is just the right temperature, just between hot and cold, the sun ensuring that it never dips into the latter. Just the slightest breeze kisses your skin, lifting the edges of the papers but never flipping them. Soonyoung was right: the perfect date weather.

“Soonyoung?” You turn your head to see a dark haired man standing over you. Wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and sides ripped open, you figure there’s a 80% chance he’s one of Soonyoung’s frat brothers.

“Seokmin?” Soonyoung frowns.

“You were actually serious?” Seokmin asks, gesturing to the books. “You know Seungkwan said it as a joke, right?”

“Yeah, but a bet is a bet,” Soonyoung says. “And I really want his Playstation.”

Seokmin snorts. “You know he only said it because he knows you can’t do it.”

“I’m not like I’m losing anything by trying.” Soonyoung sets his lips in a sharp line of determination (which you recognize from the dining hall when he sweet talks his way into free cookies). Seokmin raises his eyebrows at his aggression but eventually decides it’s not worth the fight. Instead, he plops down on the blanket, making a little triangle between the three of you.

“You must be YN,” he says, extending his hand. His easy smile and the way he sat down without waiting for an invitation reminds you of Soonyoung. Unlike the faux blonde, it feels foreign and you shift a little closer to Soonyoung instinctively.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you lie. Seokmin’s eyes curl into little half moons when he smiles, apparently not noticing your awkwardness. You can’t help but feel like he’s intruding as he turns to Soonyoung and asks him to explain what he’s doing. Soonyoung explains it well, though it helps that he was working on the analytical reasoning section.

It’s because he’s interrupting Soonyoung’s studying. That’s why it bothers you that he’s here, even though Soonyoung doesn’t seem to mind and Seokmin seems genuinely interested. Unfortunately, the revelation doesn’t stop you from wishing Seokmin would just leave.

“I don’t know how you do any of this,” Seokmin says after Soonyoung explains the next problem.

“It’s easy!” Soonyoung says. “Half the time the answer is in the question, you just have to know where to look!”

“Quoting me?” You raise your eyebrows.

“Well I did learn from the best!”

“So cliche,” you mutter but the compliment gets you smiling anyway. You look up to find Seokmin looking at you. He has a strange look on his face, frowning, but not angrily. He looks a little bit like when Soonyoung can’t decide between the right answer and the second best option. He doesn’t look away when you catch him staring.

“What?”

He pauses a long moment before answering, as if pondering how to answer. Finally, he says, “I like you.”

You stare at him. Soonyoung had been diligently working on practice problems but his head jerks up at the words.

“I mean, you’re a cool person,” Seokmin quickly says. “Good tutor for Soonyoung.” After hearing his name, Soonyoung grins and turns back to underlining in the workbook.

“Tutor?” You say. “I really don’t think I’m doing all that much.”

Seokmin shrugs. ”I don’t know many people that would spend this much time with someone if they aren't helping. Besides, either way, I’ve never seen Soonyoung this dedicated before.”

“That’s because you don’t dare to bet against me,” Soonyoung says without looking up.

“He might have a point there,” you say. Soonyoung takes a moment to smile at your support.

“What I’m trying to say is that you’re cool,” Seokmin says.

“Thank you?” You wait for him to say something else but he sits back and rests his hands behind him, stretching out in the sun a little more. Sighing, he tilts his head toward the sun.

“Seems like the weather will turn cold soon,” he says. “This might be the last warm day of the year.” He glances at Soonyoung. “And you’re spending it here instead of pre-gaming the Tau party.”

Soonyoung’s pencil freezes. He peeks up at Seokmin, then at you, then shrugs. “I take my bets seriously.”

“Whatever,” Seokmin says. He lays back fully, half of his body sticking off the blanket into the grass. “What are the Ke$ha lyrics? ‘The party don’t start ‘til Soonyoung walks in?’” He doesn’t wait for a correction. “I think I’ll wait until you're finished and we’ll tear it up together.”

Soonyoung glances at you, then unsuccessfully tries to hide his laughter at your expression. You don’t mean to be rude, but Seokmin really just invited himself all on his own and crashed your picnic. Study date. Outdoor study session. The name doesn’t matter, what does matter is it’s only supposed to be you and Soonyoung.

“He’ll fall asleep in about five seconds,” Soonyoung whispers. “He doesn’t actually care about the party, he just likes my nap blankets.” On that point you can’t really blame Seokmin.

“As long as it doesn’t disrupt your studying,” you say.

“Right,” Soonyoung says, more to himself than you. “That’s what’s important.”

You aren’t so oblivious that you miss his bitterness, but you are enough of a coward to decide not to ask about it. How do you even ask about something like that? You can barely answer his questions about the LSAT, so feelings? No chance.

You flip open your own workbook and set a pencil case down to keep the book open and ignore the soft snores from Seokmin. Soonyoung hums, the soft breeze carrying the gentle tune to you and easing you into a false sense of comfort, planting the idea that it’s always been like this and it always will be. But Soonyoung will take the LSAT in November and you will graduate in the spring and there won’t be any more excuses for seeing him, let alone laying out in the sun with him. Letting yourself enjoy this moment has dangerous consequences for your heart.

And yet you enjoy the warm sun on your skin and hum along with Soonyoung anyway. Seokmin is right: this kind of day won’t last long.

You jump awake at the sound. It takes you a moment to register where you are, to blink the sleep out of your eyes and recognize the stiff library chairs, the yellow tinted lighting of the study rooms on the third floor. Built like a prison cell with no windows and stained linoleum floors, you aren’t entirely sure how you fell asleep. The last thing you remember is working on your essay on Sense and Sensibility, which was rather difficult since you haven’t had the time to finish rereading it. Your book rests on the table next to your open laptop, screen dark.

A second knock reminds you why you woke up in the first place and you turn to the door. Through the glass door you see a student with a backpack hanging off their shoulder, half smiling. They turn the knob, opening the door just enough to stick their head in.

“Hey, sorry, I think I have the room scheduled,” they say.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I lost track of time,” you say, slamming your laptop shut and shoving everything into your backpack. To their credit, the other student doesn’t rush you, even apologizing and telling you to take your time. But if you’ve lost the room, that means the two hours you had booked the study room for–the two hours you designated for writing the essay and doing problem sets–were spent asleep, which means the LSAT cram schedule has been completely thrown off with only three days before the test.

You groan as you step into the elevator, pressing the button for the fifth floor. The farther up, the more intense the quiet levels get. Hopefully it won’t be so quiet that you fall asleep, but since you got a nap, you should be able to power through an all-nighter. It wouldn’t be the first time. You brace yourself to check your phone for the time, though being kicked out of the room means you already know your fate. 9:08 means that you have a little less than three hours until the library closes. You’ve done more with less time.

The first couple desks are occupied by students but you don’t stray, heading for a familiar corner, ignoring the empty desks that line the stacks. Your corner, that you found freshman year during finals season when you couldn’t find an empty desk, is perfect: hidden behind the encyclopedia shelves with a light directly above it, only three dicks carved into it–all on the underside (discovered on a particularly bad day where you found it most comfortable to lay underneath and rethink your entire life). You smile at the small comfort, striding through the stacks with Sense and Sensibility still in your arms.

You nearly drop the book when you see the backpack, abruptly turning despite the fact that it must have been obvious to whoever stole your corner that you were headed there. You feel rage boiling up and threatening to spill. You close your eyes, reminding yourself that the corner isn’t actually yours. Still, as you settle into a desk facing a giant window that reveals the dark campus, you can’t help but feel bitter. Your thoughts stray to the desk that should be yours, even as you pull out your computer.

BATTERY LOW

The words light up your screen, mocking you before the screen falls dark again. You dig in your backpack for your charger that you always slip into the main pocket. You feel your underused pencil pouch, the single journal since you keep most of your notes on your laptop, LSAT prep book, your three folders, and no charger. Even when you look inside and lay the entire contents of your backpack on the desk in front of you, the only charger you find is for your phone. Which means the longer laptop cord is probably sitting on your desk, all the way back at your apartment.

A twenty minute walk back, twenty minutes less for writing your essay. You can start it on your phone, maybe, though the thought of switching between reading the Sparknotes and typing already exhausts you. It’s moot anyways, since all you can do is sit and stare at the desk, covered in the contents of your soul. This is what your life has become: a stack of paper that weighs less than the digital universe on your laptop that’s all contingent on a $15 charger that abandons you when you need it most.

In the end it isn’t the rage that gets to you. It’s the hilarity of it all, how silly it is that your life is dictated by something so stupid.

The fifth floor decrees silence, so you make sure that your sobs don’t make a noise. You can’t control the tears but you can hold your breath. When your head starts to feel light and your lungs are desperate for air, you can breathe through your mouth and inhale as slow as you can to keep the shakiness to a minimum. You can do everything you can to hold it together, even when you’re falling apart.

Someone taps you on the shoulder. You lift your head, ready to face a tired librarian kicking you out but instead you see bleach blonde hair and a forced smile over a furrowed brow.

“What are you doing here?” You whisper, glad for the quiet because you don’t trust your voice to support you.

He holds up a thick, leatherbound book. LSAT for Dummies. “Extra reading couldn’t hurt, right?”

You blink at him. The only times you’ve seen Soonyoung in the library on his own has been with a thick blanket and closed eyes (it’s how you know he sleeps with his mouth open, just a little). You can’t quite believe he’s in front of you and yet he takes a step closer and doesn’t vanish.

“What are you doing here?” He asks.

“Shhh,” you say, holding your finger to your lips to get him to quiet down, even though there’s no one in sight. “Quiet floor.”

He nods, looking around as if he’s waiting for someone to kick him out. He turns to look at your desk, the contents of your backpack still strewn about. He tilts his head but doesn’t dare raise his voice to ask. You know he hasn’t missed the tears, still wet on your cheeks.

You done? He mouths.

Not even close, you think, but you nod anyways because it’s the easier answer. Soonyoung doesn’t hesitate, gently closing your laptop and sweeping everything into your backpack. You watch as he dumps it all into the biggest pocket, zipping it up and slinging it onto his back. He tucks the law book under his arm and holds out his other hand for you to take.

“Come on,” he whispers. And you take it, let him pull you out of your chair. The walk to the elevator; out of the library; toward the edge of campus; nothing feels far when Soonyoung doesn’t let go of your hand. You follow him in a daze, clinging to his hand in the off-chance that all your luck rides on him–like if you let go, you’ll lose your tether to this planet.

Soonyoung rarely walks in silence and today is not an exception. He rambles about the only member of the frat capable of cooking that apparently can’t do anything without creating a giant mess. Even as he complains about the guy, Soonyoung can’t help defending him, explaining in mouth-watering detail how good his food is.

“One time he crowd sourced some steaks and did a grill for the new pledges and they all thought it was a prank or something and nearly cried when he actually let them eat them. I think they burnt their mouths from eating it too fast, afraid someone was going to take it away from them.” Soonyoung stops at the edge of campus. He glances at you, a question in his eyes. Where are we going?

“Soonyoung,” you say. Squeezing his hand feels natural. “I don’t really want to go back right now.”

He nods, squeezing your hand back. “You want to go for a ride?”

“You have a car?”

“Nope.” Soonyoung fishes his phone out of his pocket and makes a call. You can only hear Soonyoung, who says, “I need a ride,” and “Pick me up by the duck statue,” and then he hangs up.

The edge of campus that Soonyoung drags you to is right next to the athletic fields, which explains why there is a giant statue of the mascot that towers over you. It has three of its own personal spotlights and shiny claws from fans rubbing them for good luck, despite there being no official tradition. You only went to one game, mostly to confirm you would rather be anywhere else (except maybe the bathroom of the stadium). Either way, the only thing you do know about the statue and mascot for your school is that it is not a duck.

“That’s a raven.” You point at the statue.

Soonyoung frowns between you and the hunk of metal. “Oh, Larry?”

“It has a name?”

“Well, there’s the official name, which is like, Midnight Rain or something, and the frat name.”

“And the frat name is Larry?”

Soonyoung shrugs. “I didn’t choose it.”

“And you call it a duck, too?”

“It looks like a duck.”

You study the statue. You aren’t an ornithologist, but you’re pretty sure ducks have webbed feet instead of talons, and different beaks. Plus you’ve never seen a pure black duck. But you’ve spent enough time with Soonyoung to know it doesn’t have to make sense when the frat is involved (in fact, you’ve found sense is rarely involved in their decisions).

“We just call it the duck. Or Larry, when we want to be formal.” Soonyoung jumps at the honk of a horn. You turn around with him to find an obnoxiously red convertible parked against the curb. The driver’s smooth black hair is styled to look effortless, hair falling just above his eyes, and he wears sunglasses despite the fact that the sun went down three hours ago. He might be attractive, if he wasn’t trying so hard. You never thought you had a type, but someone like Soonyoung, who wears clothes that he likes and sticks his hair straight up because he thinks it looks funny–that’s more your style.

“Here’s our ride,” Soonyoung says. He starts walking, pulling you with him, still holding your hand. You aren’t sure if he even realizes, but you’re in no hurry to remind him.

“Hey Josh,” he says.

Driver (Josh, apparently), finally pulls off his sunglasses. “Soonyoung, you have a friend.”

“I’m YN,” you say, wishing your voice didn’t sound so scratchy from crying.

“Oh, I know,” he says, a twinkle in his eye that flirts between danger and fun. ��I’m Joshua.” You try not to feel unsettled by it. He raises an eyebrow as Soonyoung slides into the backseat and you sit beside him. “Am I just an Uber to you?”

“Seungcheol is out and I knew there was no way you would let me drive your car,” Soonyoung says.

“So, yes?”

Soonyoung shrugs and laughs at Joshua’s expression.

“Where are we headed?” He asks with a resigned sigh as if he’s used to Soonyoung’s antics. Has he done this before? You frown. Why does it matter to you if he’s done this with someone else? You’re so busy with the internal war, you miss Soonyoung’s answer.

“Seriously?” Joshua asks. “It’s a weeknight.”

“Like that’s ever been a problem for you.”

Joshua glances at you. “You’re okay with this?”

You pause. You don’t actually know where Soonyoung said to go. But it’s Soonyoung, your heart says. You're inclined to agree with it tonight. “Yeah.”

He shakes his head and mutters something you don’t catch and kicks the car into gear. Before long, you are flying down a two lane road you didn’t even know existed. The wind starts to pick up with the top of the car down, blasting your face. Though your nose is still stuffed from crying, the air fills your lungs, tasting like dead leaves and unnatural warmth courtesy of climate change. For the first time tonight, you can breathe.

The clock reads just shy of 1 am by the time the car stops. As soon as the rumbling engine cuts out, another noise takes over, drowning everything else out. Crashes too rhythmic to be thunder, the blows softened by tall dunes illuminated by the car’s headlights that Joshua didn’t turn off.

Soonyoung turns to you with a grin. “Ready to have some fun?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, jumping out of the car instead of opening the door, ignoring Joshua’s shout. He sprints toward the crashing waves.

Joshua shakes his head, opening his door and ushering you out from the back. He even closes the door behind you, folding his arms over his chest and walking slowly to the beach with you. The headlights cut out but the moon and stars shine enough to see where the boardwalk ends and the sand begins. Soonyoung’s movement gives him away more than any light, running alongside the water and dancing with the tide.

You clear your throat. The ride cleared your head enough for you to feel properly embarrassed about meeting someone right after sobbing. You shudder to imagine how terrible you looked when he first picked you up, clinging to Soonyoung like he was the only thing keeping you alive. A blush forms just at the thought of it.

“So, you do this often?” You ask.

“Do something truly insane because of Soonyoung? All the time.” Joshua laughs. “We don’t usually end up this far away though, and usually someone’s life is in imminent danger.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” you say, watching Soonyoung strip his socks and shoes off and toss them behind him. One sock gets caught in the wind and blows back toward you and Joshua.

Joshua stops before the two of you can catch up to him. You turn to look at him. It’s difficult to read his expression in the moonlight but he frowns like he’s not sure he should say something. Eventually he says, “I’m going for a walk down the boardwalk.” He glances at Soonyoung, then back at you and smiles. “Have fun with him.”

You watch him turn around and trudge back up the sand, wondering if all of Soonyoung’s friends are this strange. Maybe it’s just being in a frat. You grab Soonyoung’s sock and set it with his shoes, smiling when he turns around and waves like a maniac.

“It’s the ocean!” He shouts over the crashes.

“You’re soaked!” You shout back. He glances down and apparently finally realizes his shirt is wet, clinging to his shoulders already. He strides back toward you, grabbing your arm and pulling you closer.

“My shoes are not coming off!” You warn him.

“Just come closer!” He says. “It’s amazing!” You stand with him at the edge of the water, watching it rise in the darkness and draw closer and closer. It crashes on the sand first, a violent move, kicking up wet sand and mixing it with white water. The frothy white water creeps forward, until you have to dance backward. Soonyoung stays in the water, letting it wash around his feet.

“It feels better like this,” he says.

“My feet are covered in enough sand,” you say, though he does look like he’s having fun. The water must be freezing this time of the year–it would feel so nice running over your skin. But you’d end up with wet socks and even more sand in your shoes to clean out.

Soonyoung holds out his hand. “You’d like this.”

You chew on your lip. Normally you’d laugh in his face and say ‘not a chance.’ But normalcy has never been running three hours away to the beach in the middle of the night when you have class at 9 in the morning. You pull off the sneakers without untying them and pull your socks off, setting them next to Soonyoung’s and joining him at the edge of the water. His hand isn’t out by the time you return but he slips it into yours when you join his side.

Another wave crashes and you watch the water creep forward, faster than you expect it to be–and you’re right, it’s freezing, but Soonyoung’s right too, it sends an icy shock throughout your body that sends a tingly rush up from your toes to every nerve in your body, setting them on fire. You squeeze his hand and laugh.

“Good?” He asks.

“I love it.”

You don’t know how long you stand there, holding onto Soonyoung’s hand and letting the water wash over you. After a few waves, it doesn’t feel cold anymore. You stand until your feet are buried in wet sand, each wave sending you lower and lower.

“My feet are freezing,” Soonyoung eventually says.

“Mine, too.” You lift your feet reluctantly, already missing the coarse sand and cold water. You have to let go of Soonyoung’s hand to put on your socks and shoes, shuddering at all the sand in your socks. The cotton became damp from sitting too close to the water, your shoes faring the same. Yet you don’t regret a second of it.

You stand up and stretch, feeling your spine pop. When you turn back around, you almost scream. You manage to contain it to a gasp, a wheezing Soonyoung’s name. He blinks at you innocently, like he isn’t standing in front of you with his shirt in his hand.

“What are you doing?” You choke out.

“We’re at the beach,” he says. “I have to take pictures.”

“And you need to take off your shirt for that?”

“Why? Does it bother you?” He smirks.

Muscles have never been a selling point for you. The “people” you’ve crushed on have all been smart or kind, crushes of intellect rather than bodies. His toned abs, sculpted shoulders, the way his body curves gently as he allows you to stare at him–normally it wouldn’t get to you at all (other than the embarrassment of being this close to a shirtless man for the first time in a long time). But it’s not just the muscles. It’s Soonyoung, your Soonyoung who calls you at four in the morning to tell you about the movie he just finished and is too endearing for you to truly be annoyed at. It’s the Soonyoung that gets lost in the Engineering building even as a senior. It’s the Soonyoung that drags you to the beach in the middle of the night just to make you smile. Yes, it bothers you. No one should be this incredible and hot.

“No,” you mumble, failing to convince yourself of the lie.

Soonyoung seems to be done teasing you, dropping his shirt into your hands. He walks a little closer to the waves, apparently not bothered by the chilly ocean breeze. He starts to pose, then raises his eyebrows. “Aren’t you going to take pictures?”

“Where’s your phone?”

“The camera’s broken,” he says. “Just use yours and you can send them to me.” He continues to pose, flexing his arms as subtly as he can which isn’t particularly subtle (though the muscles are even more impressive in person). You are tempted to reach out and feel the tension, before you realize you are staring again.

You numb to Soonyoung in this half-dressed state as you take the pictures. The frat must have a professional photographer or something, because Soonyoung knows how to pose. Despite some of the angles and positions seeming awkward, each picture comes out as if from a photoshoot. He only gives you a few instructions on taking pictures, and compliments you way beyond your talents.

“Just like that!” Soonyoung says, breaking his model face to grin at you. “You’re really good at this.”

“You can’t even see the pictures,” you say. You bite your lips so you don’t smile. Apparently that doesn’t matter, because he keeps posing. It’s a good thing you just upgraded your phone storage because you estimate at least a thousand pictures are taken for each pose.

“Are you guys done?” You jump at the voice next to you. Apparently Joshua returned from his walk, sneaking up using the crashing waves as cover. “We should head back soon if you want to make your morning classes.”

“Definitely want to,” you say. You haven’t gotten any work done, but that’s no excuse to skip class. Soonyoung pouts but doesn’t argue.

“Perfect!” Joshua claps his hands together. He shoves you toward Soonyoung and grabs your phone. “One more picture together and we’ll go.”

Being at a distance worked perfectly fine but those muscles have you frozen in place again. Soonyoung throws an arm over your shoulders and grins like you do this all the time. His biceps press through your jacket, the flex of the muscle exactly as you imagined it, not that it stops your heart from thundering.

You can’t help but steal a glance at Soonyoung. Despite feeling like you’ll malfunction at any second, there’s nowhere else you’d rather be. Soonyoung’s features look soft this close, even the sharp cut of his jawline. You want to study every line of his face, each curve, memorize it until the way his lips slowly curl into a smile is carved into your heart. Spending the rest of your life here doesn’t seem too bad.

“Let’s go,” Joshua says, breaking whatever magic froze time for you. You are left with cold toes and sand in your sneakers as you march up the dune and back to Joshua’s car.

“I just cleaned it,” he groans, looking at all the sand you and Soonyoung tracked in.

You mumble an apology but when you try to offer to clean it for him, he shakes his head. “Nobody touches my baby.”

You glance at Soonyoung, who followed you into the backseat again. He rolls his eyes at Joshua, smiling in a way that you know means he isn’t serious. You smile back at him and click your seatbelt into place.

“Address?” Joshua asks, handing you his phone. You punch it in and hand the phone back. 3 hours and sixteen minutes.

Joshua whistles, seeing the arrival time of 4:53. “Remind me never to do this again.”

“The beach was your idea,” Soonyoung says. His words slur a little.

“Just go to sleep already,” Joshua says. The engine rumbles on and he pulls away from the empty boardwalk.

“‘m not even tired,” Soonyoung says, fighting a yawn. He slouches and leans against the headrest, rolling his head to look at you. “You have class in the morning?”

“Not until nine.”

“That’s good.” He doesn’t succeed in fighting the yawn this time. His blinks become longer and longer, eyes closing more than opening. It’s like watching the energizer bunny shut down.

“Soonyoung?”

He opens his eyes and you think maybe he’d wait for the rest of his life for you to say something.

“Thank you.”

“Always.” He smiles lazily. “I swore I’d do anything.”

His sworn loyalty. It should be fun, having a boy like him dedicated to fulfilling your wishes. But what would it be like if he wasn’t sworn to you? If he did these kinds of things just because he wants to?

You didn’t think you were tired but the next thing you know, Soonyoung gently shakes you awake.

“We’re here,” he says in a quiet, very un-Soonyoung voice.

You blink at him, trying to figure out why your neck hurts so much, frowning at the unfamiliar surroundings. From the rear view mirror, Joshua watches you. Right, instead of writing your essay, doing the problem sets, or any of the readings, you went to the beach. You wait for the guilt to set in but it doesn’t come. None of the anxieties from earlier in the evening (the technical part of your brain reminds you it was the night before) overwhelm you.

“Right,” you say, clearing your throat. Your mouth tastes nasty but before you can say anything, Soonyoung hands you a water bottle. You take a sip before saying thank you.

Soonyoung unbuckles his seatbelt. “I’ll walk you up.”

You nod, grateful you don’t have to ask him. The night has been a full adventure on its own yet you aren’t quite ready for it to be over. At least you aren’t ready to say goodbye to Soonyoung.

There’s still something you want to tell him. You want to tell him that you like his blonde hair, even though everyone else thinks it’s ridiculous. You want to tell him that you lied earlier, you nearly lost your mind seeing him shirtless. You want to tell him that you feel proud when he gets the right answer on the first try, that you think his concentration frown is cute, that you’ve never enjoyed studying like you do when he’s by your side. You want to tell him that on your worst days, days like today, just being Soonyoung makes it better.

But you learned a long time ago tired ramblings and drunk confessions are siblings. They both end in heartbreak and twelve packs of ramen.

So you ride the elevator with him and watch the lights flicker. You never cared when Jihoon brought his friends (well, Jun) over, but the carpets that look dirty no matter how many times they’re cleaned and beige walls are even worse tonight. You can stand to live in a boring apartment, but not a dirty one.

“This is me,” you say, gesturing to 808. You turn your back on the door, facing Soonyoung instead. He looks radiant under the fluorescent hallway lights, which really isn’t fair. They make his bleach blonde hair look natural, highlight the blemishes on his skin, easy to see when he’s this close.

You should go inside and he should go back down but neither of you move. For the second time tonight, you are frozen in time with Soonyoung.

The floor creaks and you jump, turning around at the same time, accidentally knocking into Soonyoung’s chest as you turn to face the noise behind you. Jihoon, gym bag over his shoulder, frowns at you across the hallway.

“Are you seriously just getting back now?”

Shit. You never texted him. “Um, Jihoon, this is Soonyoung,” you say. He waves behind you. “Soonyoung, Jihoon.”

Jihoon folds his arms. “I’ve heard about you.” You glare at him, which he ignores. “You’re taking the LSAT on a dare?”

“You’re the one that wants to be a music producer?”

Jihoon raises his eyebrows and looks at you. “You’ve mentioned me?”

“Only the worst,” you say, smiling at him.

“I thought you were at the library all night?” Jihoon says.

“We went on an adventure,” you say. You show him your sandy shoes. He raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything. It’s clear he knows he interrupted something, but the stubborn asshole doesn’t move.

You turn back to Soonyoung. “Goodnight,” you say, resisting the urge to hug him.

“It’s morning,” Jihoon says.

“Goodnight,” Soonyoung says, glancing at Jihoon. He pauses and fidgets with the hem of his shirt but finally gives you a half hug that feels more like a bro hug than anything else. He disappears into the elevator then pops his head out a final time “Send me the photos!”

You turn to Jihoon. “I forgot to text you.”

“I figured I’d wait until the morning to call,” he said. “Even if you were kidnapped there’s still a 90% chance you’d figure out a way to show up for class on time.” He turns the key in the lock and strides into the apartment. You’re too tired to argue back, especially when he’s right, so you just follow him into the apartment.

“I like him,” Jihoon says before you vanish into your room.

“Should I find you a wedding dress?” You say. “Soonyoung is single.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes and grabs a protein shake from the fridge. “Why do I even bother?”

You don’t wait for him to leave first, peeling your shoes off in the entryway where you can sweep up the sand and practically fall into your room. It’s race to change into an old t-shirt before you collapse onto your bed.

You set an alarm for 8:30 and check fifty times to make sure it’s actually set. Then you open your camera roll, shaking your head at the countless pictures. You choose twenty non-blurry ones before your eyes start to droop. You scroll to the bottom and click on the pictures Joshua took. Soonyoung grins for the camera, his easy smile as captivating on your phone as it is in person. You are staring at him, a soft smile on your lips and hearts practically bugging out of your eyes. It’s so ridiculously obvious how you feel. You send him his thirst traps and keep that picture for yourself.

It takes a week for you to realize Soonyoung never posted the pictures.

The weight of the world has the decency to wait until you’re home to fall on your shoulders. You hold your keys up and can’t push it into the lock. If you didn’t do well today, it means the past two months have been a complete waste–all the studying, the assignments you got low grades on because you were studying, the nights you spent at your desk–wasted and doomed to repeat.

All but the time you spent with Soonyoung. Even if you fail (again), he should at least score decently, and you can’t consider that a complete waste.

You raise your key to insert it into the lock but the door flies open. Jihoon glares at you, arms folded over his chest. “What the hell is taking you so long, your boyfriend is here.”

You peer past him and find Soonyoung lounging on the couch, feet resting on the coffee table. He sits up when he sees you, grinning and waving. You wonder if he’s been there since you told him you were finished. You make a mental note to get Jihoon his favorite protein shakes.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Me and your boyfriend heard you shaking your keys in front of the door for like twenty minutes,” Jihoon says.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you mutter, praying Soonyoung didn’t hear either of you. You push past Jihoon, letting him lock the door behind you. Soonyoung jumps off the couch as soon as you drop your bag, almost tackling you in a hug. You pretend not to hear Jihoon’s scoff as he locks himself in his room again.

“How’d it go?” He asks, squeezing you one more time before letting go. You try not to feel disappointed about it. “I mean, I know you did amazing, but how do you feel? Was the room super hot or super cold? Did the proctor give you the evil eye when you turned in your paper because they were secretly trying to sabotage you?”

“No?” You frown. “And the room was fine, I felt pretty good about it, but I felt good last time, so I don’t really know, I just really don’t want to take it again.” You sigh. “I know you want to know as many details as possible for your test, but I really, really don’t want to think about it right now.”

Soonyoung grins and pulls out a package of White Claws and a bottle of vodka from a plastic bag that you just noticed sitting on your coffee table. “That’s perfect because I brought a gift from the whole frat.”

“That seems pretty on brand,” you say.

“And a gift from me.” He digs again and pulls out a DVD. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

“You’re kidding.” You say. “I think I have to be drunk to watch that.”

“You don’t have faith in my taste in movies?” Soonyoung asks but he pops open the first drink and slips something shaped concerningly like a knife out of his pocket and stabs the can, chugging it before it can really spill on your carpet. Before you can register what he did, he tosses the empty can on the coffee table, immediately scrambling to straighten it. “Sorry, force of habit.”

“Soonyoung, I don’t think I can keep up with you,” you say, sitting slowly onto the couch.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m a lightweight,” he says. “I definitely should not have chugged that.”

“I guess I better catch up,” you say, unscrewing the vodka and pouring a shot in the little paper cups that Soonyoung brought. The acrid scent curls your lip but you knock it back as fast as you can, forcing it down when you miss the back of your throat and it burns your tongue. Soonyoung hands you a can, the lime flavored seltzer pushing the nasty flavor out of your mouth.

“Yeah, I’m terrible at that,” you say.

Soonyoung shrugs. “I’m not one to judge. You should have seen me as a pledge.”

You grin at the mental image of Soonyoung wearing a fake toga made of bedsheets. “I bet you were adorable.” You take another sip of the drink (which tastes significantly worse when you aren’t comparing it to straight vodka) and miss Soonyoung scrambling for words.

“I can’t drink this,” you declare, setting the can down. You cross the room to the fridge, opening it and studying the contents. Soonyoung follows you, resting his chin on the door and glancing inside.

“Jihoon does most of the cooking,” you say, feeling self-conscious. Not much populates your fridge, a package of chicken breast and a carton of eggs. A couple containers of take out that are either two days or two weeks old sit in front, and the drawer of fruit that is filled with apples from Jihoon’s mother definitely smells funny.

“I live in a frat house, this is heaven.”

You flash him a smile and grab the orange juice, shaking it as you grab a glass from the cabinet (thank god Jihoon did the dishes last night). Soonyoung follows you back to the couch and waits for you to pour a glass and add two shots of vodka. You raise the glass and he takes your rejected White Claw and clinks it.

“Cheers,” he says, sipping this one instead of chugging it. He sets it down and leans against the armrest so that he can face you. “How did you meet Jihoon, by the way? He seems like a pretty reserved dude.”

“Yeah, sorry if he was short with you, he isn’t half as mean as he pretends to be,” you say.

“We actually talked a lot.” He pauses, tilting his head as he thinks about it. “Well, a lot about working out. I think I could turn him into my gym buddy with enough pressure.”

“I would pay to see that,” you say. Jihoon tried to bring you to the gym exactly once, and you have regretted it ever since. The soreness haunts you, but you think Soonyoung might be one of the few people on the planet that could keep up with him with those arms.

“I didn’t know you were into that,” Soonyoung says with a giggle. You roll your eyes.

“You know for a fact that’s not what I meant,” you say, “and to answer your question, we lived in the same dorm freshman year. He was next door, and both our roommates were psychotic, so we ended up trading. We’ve been living together ever since because I’m the only one that can put up with his annoying ass. Also he cooks and keeps me alive during finals.”

“I can’t believe I was a dorm assignment away from living with you.” Soonyoung shakes his head and pretends to sigh. “Fate isn’t on my side.”

“Don’t you live in a frat house?”

“Semantics,” Soonyoung says. He pauses. “Semen-tics.” He starts to laugh and though the joke is far from funny, you find yourself giggling too.

“You’re drunk,” you say.

Soonyoung points at you. “I’m pretty sure you’re drunk too.”

You tilt your head from side to side, trying to think at first but the motion feels nice, toeing the line between dizzying and comfortable. Right, you were checking if you were drunk. You have your answer, but you don’t want to stop spinning just yet.

“Do you really want to be a lawyer?” Soonyoung asks. You freeze with your head on your right shoulder, frowning at him. “I mean, like, how do you know?”

“It makes good money,” you say. “Well, corporate law does. Everything going according to plan, I’ll be out of debt before I’m thirty, retiring at 65.”

“But how do you know that’s what you want?” Soonyoung asks. You wonder if he’s asking you or himself. You think about the first day you met him.

It was the first day of your sophomore year, 8 in the morning in the worst classroom in the Armhayer Building at the end of a dead end hallway with no windows. The business program had a required career building course and some cruel administrator decided to make the other available class clash with the other required business class for the year, so half the class was people you were stuck with for the full year. Despite its reputation, the business school at the university seemed to only accept idiots.

You settled for a long semester of biting back your eye rolls and yawning through class, choosing a seat in the front so that at least you won’t have to look at anyone else. And for fifteen minutes, you struggled to keep your eyes open.

Then Soonyoung walked in.

He was out of breath, telling the professor that he got lost several times and someone gave him the wrong directions. You didn’t really pay attention to him until he dropped into the seat next to you. Fully prepared to give him a side eye and judge him for the rest of the semester, Soonyoung flashed a smile at you and apologized for disrupting you. He was so obviously not your type, yet when his head dropped on your shoulder, you didn’t wake him up. Two classes later when the professor told the class that you would be in a semester-long partner project, you didn’t hesitate to say yes when Soonyoung asked you.

Soonyoung hadn’t ever taken the class seriously, going through the motions and doing the bare minimum for most of the assignments. You never paid any attention to it, but you realize that he never actually told you what he planned to do with his life, always asking you what you planned to do with your copious amounts of money. Now you wonder if it was because he really doesn’t know.

“I want stability,” you finally say. “This plan is stable. Safe, as long as everything goes according to plan. I guess it’s not as cool as dreaming about being an astronaut or whatever, but it’s what I want.”

“I think it’s cool. Knowing what you want to do.” Soonyoung says with little enthusiasm.

“You don’t have any idea?”

He shrugs. “I have to be smart to do the things I want to do.”

“You are smart.”

“You don’t have to pander to me, I’m not looking for your pity.”

“Soonyoung.” You wait for him to look you in the eyes. “You are smart. This isn’t pity. Sure it takes you a little longer to read things, and you have to work a little harder to answer some questions, but that doesn’t mean you’re not smart. You’re just as capable as me, more capable when it comes to emotional intelligence. Have you ever noticed that wherever you go, someone is always waving to you? I don’t think there’s a single person in this world that doesn’t like you. Don’t downplay how important that is.”

He chews on his lip and you know he doesn’t believe you. How many people have told him he’s dumb? You want to drag every single one of them here and make them apologize, make them realize how special the boy in front of you is. Eventually he shrugs. “I’ll just end up being an intern, and then I’ll be so charming they’ll promote me without realizing I don’t know what I’m doing and I’ll become a CEO that pays people to do the job for me.”

You smile and shake your head. “We can vacation together in the Bahamas.”

“Please, that’s where the semi-rich people go,” Soonyoung says, lifting his head from the back of the couch. “We’ll have our own islands and sail past each other.” This time when he smiles, the sparkle glints, just a little. His bleach blonde hair sticks in strange angles from rubbing against the couch, looking a little like a fuzzball. You reach a hand out and pat it down, except the hair is fried from being bleached so many times and almost breaks under your hand.

When you pull your hand down, Soonyoung is staring at you. Except staring isn’t the right word. He looks at you like no one else ever has, a thousand unsaid words behind his eyes, a language like no other that maybe only you can understand. Those dark eyes, so soft and warm, begging you to drown in them. He’s a siren, luring you in with a song of desire that only you can hear.

You don’t realize you’ve leaning closer until you fall forward, catching yourself on his chest. Soonyoung’s hand flies to your waist, moving so fast it must have been reflex.

“Sorry,” you mutter but you don’t get off him. Resisting his eyes from this close is impossible. Soonyoung blinks at you, frozen. It occurs to you that you’re almost kissing him. All you have to do is lean forward, press your lips against his. Would his lips be chapped? Would he kiss you back? Would he make fun of you for being a terrible kisser? You hold your breath, wondering if you are about to find out.

You jump at the bang of a door slamming shut. You push off Soonyoung’s chest, back to your side of the couch until your back slams against the armrest. The pain is almost enough to sober you up and you realize exactly what you were about to do. You can’t bear to look at Soonyoung staring at you so you look at Jihoon instead, who doesn’t seem to realize that he interrupted anything by walking into the kitchen, headphones blasting music so loud that you can hear it. He grabs one of the takeout containers from the fridge and finally notices you and Soonyoung staring at him.

“What?” He shouts over his headphones. You shake your head and he stares at you all the way back to his room, slamming the door shut behind him with enough force to make you jump again.

“We should probably start the movie,” you say, turning to face forward, anywhere but Soonyoung. “I’ll get my laptop.” He doesn’t say anything but you can feel Soonyoung’s eyes on you as you jump up. Ignoring the spinning in your head, you walk to your room. You lean against the door as soon as it shuts behind you, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath.

You wish you could blame the idiocy on the alcohol, but you aren’t drunk enough for that. Besides, regardless of the reason, it was a mistake, it would be a mistake, to kiss Soonyoung. No matter how badly you want to do it.

Your computer sits on your desk. The longer it takes for you to get back, the stranger it will be, so you grab it and return to the couch. Dizziness gives you an excuse to peer at the floor, perfectly valid reason to avoid Soonyoung’s eyes.

“Are you ready to have your mind blown?” He asks when you insert the DVD into your laptop.

You raise your eyebrows but still don’t have the courage to face him. “It’s that good?”

Soonyoung laughs easily, as if nothing happened. “You have no idea what you’re in for.”

You peek at him from the corner of your eye. He faces the computer, sitting back against the couch. Other than his red tinted cheeks, you can’t tell he’s drunk at all. You have no idea what you’re in for, he said. He has no idea how right he is.

You hold Soonyoung by the shoulders, staring him down. Your eyes begin to water but you hold them open, determined not to lose. Soonyoung squints, tears forming in the corner of his eyes. You just have to hold out a little longer, but your eyes begin to ache and the air pierces into them.

“Damn!” Soonyoung cries, throwing himself back onto the couch and squeezing his eyes shut. You let go of his shoulders and resist the urge to rub your eyes, settling for blinking as fast as humanly possible. Your eyes burn but you smile anyways, wiping tears away with the back of your hand.

“How are you so good at that?” Soonyoung asks. He gives into the impulse, hands pressed against his eyes.

“I’m really not, I think you’re just bad at staring contests,” you say. “Now hurry up, you lost so you have to answer.”

He sighs as if he didn’t beg you to help him study. With only a day before his test, you’re not sure how much this is really helping, but at least he isn’t partying with the rest of his frat (who do a pre-finals bar crawl, apparently). Instead, Soonyoung is on your couch, again. You try not to think about the last time he was here. Not productive thoughts, especially not when Soonyoung is one day away from taking the most important test of his life.

“Is it B?”

“Are you asking or telling?”

“I hate when you say that.” He peers at the paper, eyes moving slowly as he rereads the line. “No, it’s C! Wait, no, B. No, A!”

“Pick an answer.”

He chews on his lip. You have to force yourself to keep your focus on his eyes. “B,” he finally says.

You’re tempted to drag it out and make him wait but he puts on the Soonyoung Sparkle so you go ahead and nod.

“I knew it! Trust your gut!”

“You’re quoting me now.” You pretend to wipe tears from the corner of your eyes. “You’ve grown up so quickly.”

If it were Jihoon, he’d roll his eyes but Soonyoung perks up, as if you’ve given him a real compliment. He pauses before asking his next question, eyes flickering to the papers separating you from him.

“You really think I’ll do well?” He asks softly.

You study him, the way his unnaturally blonde hair has been strategically gelled to stick up in all the right places, the way his plain white t-shirt hangs loose on his shoulders. You wonder what he sees when he looks in the mirror because the way he sits now, waiting for an answer as if you’d actually say no, breaks your heart a little. He really has no idea how brilliant he is, in every sense of the word. You don’t know how to make him see it so you just take his hand and wait for him to look you in the eyes.

The second the glittering dark irises meet yours, you see the desperation. He tries to smile, to hide the fear but Soonyoung has always been easy to read. You fight the urge to brush your fingers against his cheek.

“Soonyoung.” You squeeze his hand. What you feel isn’t a passing crush, you’ve known that for a while now. Admitting it doesn’t give you the bravery to do anything except pull the shield of cowardice around your heart a little tighter. “I’d be an idiot if I said I didn’t.”

He holds your gaze a little longer, until it almost looks like he believes you. Then his eyes light up. “I have a surprise for you!”

He digs into his backpack, pulling out a blanket (not the one he used when it was still warm enough to sit outside in the grass), a plastic water bottle half-full of bright green liquid, three crumpled flyers for events on campus, and finally, a small rectangular item, carefully wrapped in paper towels.

“I was a little worried it would get damaged in my backpack,” he says. “I really, really tried to walk gently and didn’t bring it near any coffee.”

You choose not to point out the unnatural liquid in the plastic water bottle, instead appreciating his efforts to protect whatever your surprise is. Besides, it’s not like he didn’t try. He carefully pulls the paper towels off, revealing a navy blue leather bound book with gilded lettering. Not just any book.

“You got it back?” You cry. Soonyoung pulls the rest of the paper towels off to reveal the intricate design on the cover, the golden pages, with Pride and Prejudice inscribed on the spine. “My baby!”

You hover over the book, not wanting to ruin it with the dirt and oils from your hands but so desperately wanting to caress the beautiful book. It’s just as you remember it, down to the tiny dent on the front cover where you accidentally knocked it against a railing. You can’t wait to put it back on your bookshelf where there has been an empty space ever since Jun managed to snag it. You remember Soonyoung is there when you hear his laughter.

“You like it that much?”

“Of course,” you say. “It’s my baby.”

“It’s a book.” But he smiles and you know he’s just teasing. So you figure, why not?

You throw your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. His frat-bro instincts must take charge because he doesn’t hesitate to hug you back, pulling you against his chest and squeezing you like he’s the one getting a gift.

“Thank you,” you say. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“This is my thank you,” he says. You can feel his voice rumbling in his chest, a strange sensation that sends butterflies tumbling around between your stomach and your heart. “It’s the least I could do for you.

The awkward position isn’t exactly comfortable, twisting your body to face him with your shoulder overtop of his forcing your face into his neck but you don’t want to let go. You give yourself five more thundering heartbeats before you let go, turning to study your book again so you have an excuse to avoid his eyes.

“How did you get it back?”

“Same way you lost it,” Soonyoung says. “I made a bet.”

“On what?”

Soonyoung shrugs, turning to look at the book that still sits in his lip. He gently places it into yours, using the paper towels to prevent smudging with his fingers.

You frown. “How? Jun is in another hemisphere.”

“Don’t underestimate the power of video calls and express shipping,” Soonyoung says. “By the way, I’m wearing your friends down. Pretty soon they’ll like me more than they like you.

“Oh really?” You raise your eyebrow. You ignore the vole gnawing at your gut whispering that he might just be right.

“I got Jihoon to go to the gym with me and I got him to admit I was friends with you before he was,” he says, holding a finger out. “Jun says that he wants to meet me the second he returns to the country.” A second finger goes up. “Who else can I add to the list?”

He’s only joking. He doesn’t mean it the way it sounds, but your skin wants to crawl inside out. The truth is, they are pretty much your only friends. Jihoon, Jun, and Soonyoung, the latter two having wormed their way into your life. My only friends.

“You’ve got to start going on the offensive,” Soonyoung says. He avoids your eyes and you know he didn’t miss your discomfort. Great, now he pities you. “I’m serious, Seokmin and Joshua have been asking about you, and Seungcheol keeps complaining that he hasn’t met you yet.”

You snort. “They’re frat bros, they just want more people to party with.”

“I’m a frat bro,” he says.

“Yeah, but…” But what? He’s Soonyoung? Once again, you wonder why he is so different to you–why the epitome of frat boy chaos doesn’t repulse you like he should. But he isn’t some one-dimensional steroid-infused party boy, not the type to bully the freshman trying to join just because he can. He gets drunk after two shots and makes his pledges follow him for 24 hours a day as “hazing,” only to take them for a dinner he can’t afford and skips his own classes so they don’t miss theirs.

He’s not a typical frat boy. But Soonyoung loves his frat, and you can’t find a way to tell him this without making it sound like you are looking down on the rest of the members.

So you just say, “Isn’t this supposed to be a study session?”

Soonyoung sighs, pulling the book in front of him and staring at the words. Even though you can see that he isn’t reading, he doesn’t say anything else.

“Your test is tomorrow,” you say.

“Yeah, I know.” He doesn’t pick up the pencil.

You’ve never struggled to read Soonyoung. He can’t hide when he’s upset, shoulders slumping, a little pout forming over his lips. He doesn’t fully frown but his eyebrows comes together, just a bit. And it’s usually easy to figure out what’s wrong–he’s tired, or wants to be at a party instead of studying. But now? He was fine just a moment ago, even while he was cramming earlier.

“Is something wrong?” You don’t know why you’re so scared of the answer.

“I just thought that… nNever mind.” He sighs again. “You’re right, this is a study session. I should be studying.” He doesn’t look at you and you can’t help but feel like you messed up. But Soonyoung eventually picks up his pencil and asks you to check his answers and the feeling slowly fades.

Will the rest of your feelings fade when you aren’t with him like this anymore? When he takes his test and has no reason to see you every day? Will your heart still beat at the mention of his name? Will you spend the rest of your life thinking about all the almosts with him? Or will it fade until Soonyoung is just a boy that you helped because of a silly bet?

Even as you consider it, you know the answer. He isn’t just a boy, and he never will be. Maybe that’s what really scares you.

You glare at Soonyoung. “Do you know what time it is?”

Jihoon glances at his watch. “7:43.”

Soonyoung grins beside him, arm over his shoulder. Both boys stand in your bedroom doorway looking far too composed for this ungodly hour.

“It’s a Saturday.” Just two minutes ago you were in blissful sleep. Okay, maybe not blissful, since you stayed up until three in the morning because you couldn’t fall asleep, and you were having a weird dream where you were looking for something and ended up by the stadium staring at a giant duck statue instead of the raven. But the point is you were asleep until two fists banged on your door so loud you thought it was going to fall apart.

You can’t even be that mad at Soonyoung, not when he smiles like that. So you glare at Jihoon.

“Honestly, I figured you would be up,” he says. “You were the one that said you didn’t think you were going to get any sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung says. “I really just wanted to help distract you for the last hour.” Right. The last hour until your entire future would be determined by a triple digit number. No biggie.

“Let me get dressed,” you say. They step back before you have the chance to slam the door in their face. You’d like to be able to dress up nicely, but you’re already shivering, so you grab your comfiest sweatpants and the sweatshirt Soonyoung lent you (that still smells like his cologne). You dart into the bathroom and meet the two boys in the doorway of the apartment, pulling on your sneakers.

You pull the hood over your messy hair and tighten the strings. Soonyoung grins at you and taps your nose.

“Ready to go?”

“How did you get out of bed this early?”

“Oh, I never got in,” he says. “Long story, but we gotta go, they won’t wait much longer.”

“They?” You ask but Soonyoung doesn’t hear you. He turns to Jihoon, waving.

“See you tomorrow!” He says, throwing an arm over your shoulders to pull you out the door. “I’ll let you know how it goes!”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” But he looks at you and smiles. “It’ll be fine.” Before you can thank him, he shuts the door.

Soonyoung doesn’t let go of your side, pulling you to the elevators and squeezing you against him. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I should be asleep.”

Soonyoung smiles, as if your grumpiness is funny. You decide it’s moot since there’s no way you could fall asleep now that you are an hour and seven minutes away from finding out the results of your future.

“I figured I’d save you from wallowing in worry,” Soonyoung says. “We can do fun things while we wait. I planned out the whole morning, we have options! There’s going to the gym, or for a job around campus, breaking into the science lab and petting the rabbits, going to Barb’s for breakfast–”

“Breakfast,” you say. You aren’t a huge fan of getting in trouble with the college when you have just over a semester before graduation and though you aren’t sure if your stomach will accept food, working out is a guarantee for throwing up. Besides, a hot cup of coffee could clear a little of the fog in your brain.

“Barb’s it is,” Soonyoung says, practically bouncing on his toes. He really seems to only have two settings, and today he’s at 120%.

He lets go of your side when the elevator opens and you step to the ground floor of your apartment. You rub your arms and pretend like the chill is from the weather even though the lobby is still warm. He holds the door for you pretending to be a doorman, bowing and gesturing with his arm for you to pass. You turn so that he doesn’t see that the silly gesture made you smile.

Parked outside is a white jeep that looks larger than normal, and is apparently the asshole that’s been blasting their music for the past ten minutes. You aren’t surprised in the slightest when Soonyoung strides up to the car.

“I don’t have a car,” he says, belatedly apologetic. The two men in the front seat don’t seem to mind, though you suspect they have been up all night along with Soonyoung as soon as the door opens and you hear their voices singing off-tune over the blasting music.

“Boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away,” The driver cries, using a water bottle as a mic. You recognize Seungcheol from Soonyoung’s descriptions, half from his voice and half from the back of his head. The person riding shotgun is also familiar, a mess of dark hair that must be Joshua. He doesn’t look much different in daylight, sunglasses resting on his forehead. Thankfully they turn the music down a little and stop singing when you get it.

Seungcheol grins at you through the mirror. “So I finally get to meet the infamous YN. You know, you still haven’t shown up to any parties.”

“I’ve been busy,” you say, glancing at Soonyoung who focuses a little too much on his seatbelt.

“Hi, YN,” the passenger up front says, waving at you through the rearview mirror.

“Joshua,” you say. “Get into life and death scenarios with Soonyoung recently?”

“Well, Soonyoung jumped out of a car window.” He pauses. “It wasn’t moving,” he adds when Seungcheol jerks his head towards him. “Though I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“I have done it before,” Soonyoung says solemnly. It takes him a moment to realize everyone is staring at him. “It was a dare.”

“Why am I not surprised,” Seungcheol grumbles, turning back around and putting the car into drive. Though you were thinking something along the same lines, the way Soonyoung deflates a little makes you wish Seungcheol hadn’t said anything.

The rest of the drive is quiet–at least in terms of conversation. Seungcheol cranks his stereo up to the loudest setting and blasts the Spice Girls until Joshua starts singing along. Apparently car karaoke for “Wannabe” is sacrilegious to the frat leader.

You can hear yourself think again when the car pulls into the parking lot and he finally cuts the engine. A few cars line the parking lot of the 24 hour diner that sits on the outskirts of campus. The giant neon red Barb’s that hangs over the entrance flickers in the cloudy morning light teeters the line between quaint and electrical fire waiting to happen.

The workers, a host and three waitresses, wave at the boys, and do a double take at you. You swear you hear the host whisper “Is that really them?” to Joshua as he leads the group to a table in the corner but Soonyoung distracts you with the menu.

“I had this thing memorized since freshman year, I can’t believe you’ve never been here. The pancakes are my favorite for hangover cures, not that I’m hungover by the way, I’m actually running on my third energy drink.” He taps the picture, a golden stack of perfectly fluffy pancakes that can only be photoshop.

“Aren’t energy drinks bad for your heart?”

Soonyoung shrugs. “Joshua invented this to get through finals, you mix Red Bull, Bang, and Coke and it keeps you up for three days straight. Great for when you’re nervous because you physically have to do something about it.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” you say. “Wait, why are you nervous?”

“Your test results come out today,” he says too quickly.

You consider debating with him but a waitress approaches, wearing a fifties frock and a high ponytail with a ribbon that probably looked like a bow at the start of her shift but has drooped down and now just looks sad. Her face is a mask of emotions, not a smile, not a frown, just emptiness, a contrast to the button clipped to her collar making her “Happy.”

“The usual?” She asks, pausing at you. She tilts her head and you can see the mask twisting at the edges, a frown almost forming on her brow. She glances at Soonyoung. “Is this who I think it is?”

“Who do you think it is?” Soonyoung asks at the same time that Joshua and Seungcheol say, “Yes.”

The corner of Happy’s lips turn into a tiny smile that seems to be her equivalent of a grin. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Okay, haha, very funny,” Soonyoung says. “Stop harassing my friend. We’ll order when we have a chance to look at the menu.”

Happy raises her eyebrow just slightly at the word “friend,” but closes her notepad. She returns to a pastel pink bar where you can clearly see her whispering and gesturing to you.

“Why do so many people know me?” You mutter, shrinking into the corner of the booth.

“The thing about Drunk Soonyoung is that he doesn’t really shut up,” Seungcheol says.

“That’s being gentle,” Joshua says. “One time he spent four hours describing Finding Nemo. That’s longer than the actual movie.”

“It’s a good movie,” Soonyoung says.

“The point is,” Seungcheol says, glaring at Joshua, “he tends to talk when he’s drunk. Usually about good things, things that he… Well, things that he likes.”

You turn your head to look at Soonyoung, who is once again pretending to study the menu. “You like studying for the LSAT that much?”

Joshua unsuccessfully tries to hide his laugh with a snort while Seungcheol gains slightly more success with a fake cough. Soonyoung doesn’t react at all, staring at the painted flowers on the menu. Eventually, he shrugs. “I’m dedicated to the bet.” He points at a stack of pancakes covered in bananas and chocolate. “That’s what I usually get.”

“Isn’t against all rules of gym core and muscle building to eat decadent things?”

“Did you just call working out ‘gym core?’” Seungcheol asks.

“Am I wrong?”

“Nope!” Soonyoung says brightly. “And cheat days are a thing, so do you want to split it or not?”

“You know I can’t say no to bananas and chocolate.”

“And pancakes!” He waves down the waitress and points to the stack.

“Ah, the new Soonyoung,” she says. “You guys getting your actual usual?”

Joshua and Seungcheol nod and she doesn’t bother to write any of it down. Then again she already knows their orders. Except she called Soonyoung’s “new.” Before you can ask what she meant, a shout makes you jump. You turn around to see a stream of boys entering, enough of whom you recognize that you realize at least half the frat has rolled into the diner. The waitresses roll their eyes and groan but somehow they don’t look all that upset.

“Mr. President!” The tallest boy, Johnny according to Soonyoung’s Instagram tags, holds a fist over his heart and pounds it a couple times. Seungcheol nods and greets each of the boys, most of whom seem to still be in various stages of inebriation. Almost all of them glance at you and whisper to each other, and you get the feeling they know exactly who you are.

Just what has Soonyoung said about you?

“How are we doing on time?” One of them calls out.

“46 minutes,” Joshua says. You frown. 46 minutes… until 9? Do they all know about today?

You tap Soonyoung on the arm. “What’s going on?”

“You see, the thing is,” he says, “apparently I was nervous?” He tries to fake a laugh but it sounds strained. “I don’t really know but the guys made me tell them about today and then I didn’t really know what was happening but I guess they followed us here? Thought you might like moral support, or something.”

You peek out at the booths crowded with frat bros and cringe back into your seat when they grin at you. “They’re all looking at me.”

“Well, I guess I do talk about you a lot,” he says, only loud enough for you to hear. He won’t meet your eyes.

Ask him why. You want to be brave. You want to be right about the answer you think he’ll give you. You chew the inside of your cheek.

“Because of the bet?”

Soonyoung doesn’t answer for a moment. “I guess.”

Coward.

“Why are we whispering?” Joshua asks, leaning across Soonyoung towards you. “Are we gossiping?”

Soonyoung pushes him off. “Butt out.”

“Just telling Soonyoung that I’ve never had an army of drunk guys rooting for me before,” you say.

“Could have had it sooner if you came to a party,” Seungcheol says.

“You really want me at a party that bad? We just met.”

Seungcheol glances at Soonyoung, who shakes his head. He sighs. “If only I could tell you why you need to come.”

You frown between the three men. “I don’t like when people talk in circles over me.”

“Just promise you’ll come to the Christmas party. It’ll all make sense then,” Seungcheol says. You’ve heard a lot about Seungcheol from Soonyoung, and the more you listen to him, the more you believe it. He’s a strange man.

“I’ll think about making an appearance.”

“Really?” Soonyoung whips around to face you and you know that you have to come now. You haven’t seen him this excited since you let him skip studying to party. No, he’s even more excited now. “You’ll come?”

You can’t stand his gaze so you study the placemats. “Maybe.”

He grabs your hand until you meet his eyes. “Please?”

The Soonyoung Sparkle. You never win against it. “Fine.”

“Get a room,” Joshua says behind a very fake cough. You pull your hand back into your lap and pretend like you aren’t embarrassed.

“How long now?” You shout out.

“40 minutes,” someone answers. You groan and lean back into the sofa. Studying was hard enough but waiting makes you want to pull out each individual hair on your head. You stare at the ceiling, trying to decide if the stain looks more like a horse or a flower.

“Look at this.” Soonyoung passes his phone in front of you, forcing you to look down. His Instagram is open to a picture of a kitten looking drunk, face covered in milk. Such and obvious attempt to distract you but you smile anyway.

“Sweet,” you say and even you aren’t sure if you mean the cat or Soonyoung. He shows you cat pictures until the food finally arrives (33 minutes to go). You have to wait another five minutes because Soonyoung insists on having a photoshoot, despite your protests that you look like you just woke up (he raises his eyebrows at that). You stop fighting when Joshua makes him cut a piece of the pancake and feed it to you. Chocolate nearly drops in your lap but Soonyoung shoots his hand out at the last second and catches it.

“Okay, can we please just eat,” you say. Joshua and Seungcheol shrug and pretend like they weren’t instigating the pictures and telling you and Soonyoung how to pose.

Soonyoung was right about the bananas and chocolate. Rich and decadent, they’re delicious. When he cuts you a slice and pushes it toward you, you can even forget the countdown to the end of the world. Or, more accurately, the end of the world doesn’t mean anything to you when Soonyoung smiles at you like that.

You eat slowly enough to bring you to the ten minute mark. Fear mixes with the dessert for breakfast in your stomach, twisting it until it threatens to jump out of your throat. Soonyoung takes your hand under the table and holds it. You don’t run away this time.

He holds you to the planet again, keeps you from floating away and disappearing before you can reach the stars. It’s Soonyoung that keeps your heart beating. Always Soonyoung.

Seungcheol and Joshua chat, Soonyoung piping in a few times, but their words don’t reach you. Stuck somewhere between crushed beneath the weight of the world and floating away, you focus on the clock, watching the seconds tick closer and closer.

“Last minute!” Someone behind you finally shouts. Soonyoung squeezes your hand. You pull up the website on your phone and put in your login information and hover over the SUBMIT. At thirty seconds, they start shouting it out.

“Ten!”

“Nine!”

“Eight!”

“Seven!”

“Six!”

“Five!”

“Four!”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One!”

Half the guys start cheering already, probably forgetting the count down doesn’t mean as much as the results themselves. You hit SUBMIT and watch the little wheel spin around and around and around until it finally refreshes. The number stares back at you, impossible to read right in front of you.

169.

“Congratulations!” Soonyoung shouts, throwing his arms around you and squeezing while you try to comprehend what that means. 169. The number should be all you can think about but Soonyoung holds you, shouting how proud he is, how he always believed in you.

“169!” Seungcheol shouts, miles away from your bubble. You can hear the guys break out into cheers, hear them chanting the number (which turns into 69) but it’s just you and Soonyoung. The world didn’t end and Soonyoung is still by your side.

The rest of the morning is a blur. Every member of the frat insists on congratulating you, which mostly means a lot of hugs, though one of the more drunk guys tried to spin you around on his shoulder. You laugh when you’d usually frown and find your way back to Soonyoung’s side like a magnet.

Maybe it’s the euphoria that gives you courage.

“Hey Soonyoung?”

“Hm?”

You say it before you can think too much. “Maybe just the two of us next time?”

He grins before you can finish speaking. “I’d love that.”

You have the courtesy to let Soonyoung sleep in as much as he wants. You wait for him at Barb’s, trying to figure out how to call this a date.

You’ve seen him a couple times since you got your score back, but you needed to study for finals and he had to make up for missing a lot of frat activities. You’ve only seen him in passing, nothing to fill the Soonyoung shaped hole in your heart. But today that will change. You will celebrate together and you will tell him how you feel. And then… you have no idea.

It’s just Soonyoung there’s nothing to be nervous about. Too bad your body doesn’t agree with you. Every nerve stands at attention, jumping at the bell that rings when the door opens. You don’t worry when Soonyoung doesn’t get to Barb’s by 8:30 like he said he would. Even at 8:45, you aren’t worried.

It’s only at 8:55 that you really start to wonder where he is. Maybe you should have picked him up. Knowing him, there’s a 50% chance he’s lying in a ditch after a failed attempt to recreate an impossible stunt from Fast and Furious. At 9, you call him. Between each silence in the ring, you wait for his voice but it never comes. He uses the automated voicemail, so you don’t even get his voice telling you to leave a message.

The anxiety turns to fear while you wait. The door rings and you see a fluff of bleach blonde hair and jump up. But though you recognize the face, it isn’t Soonyoung.

Chan, one of the younger members of the frat, with Mingyu and a guy whose name you forgot. They all have the same look in their eyes when they see you, far too much like pity.

“You’re YN, right?” Mingyu asks. “You’re supposed to meet Soonyoung?” The two guys with him, easily identifiable as frat members between their unkempt hair and sweatshirts plastered with Greek letters, stop mid conversation and glance at each other.

“Is he okay?” You ask, still standing in the awkward position in the booth.

“He’s got his score back,” Mingyu says.

“We were supposed to–”

“Yeah, I know,” Mingyu says. “It was a 167. You should really talk to him yourself.” He pauses, glancing at his frat brothers but they shrug. “He’s at the house. See if you can talk some sense into him.”

You’re too afraid to ask any other questions so you just watch Mingyu and the other two walk past, and pretend that they aren’t whispering and stealing glances at you.

Going to a frat house was never on your bucket list but your feet travel without guidance. You find yourself in front of a rather nondescript house. No bodies hang out from windows, no one is passed out in the yard. Then again it’s a weekday.

You pause at the door, wondering if you should knock. You tap your hand on the door and it slides open, the latch bolt pushed completely in. You step inside tentatively, peeking around but it’s quiet. You turn the corner to find an open room and Soonyoung sitting on a couch, glass with a bright liquid in his hand. He doesn’t even look at you.

“Are you seriously drunk right now?”

Soonyoung just shrugs, taking another sip from the glass. Even from here you can smell that it’s more tequila than fruit punch.

You shake your head, crossing the room sitting beside him even though he didn’t invite you to sit down. He was considerably cuter the last time you saw him drunk. You’ve gotten used to the power of Soonyoung’s facial expressions, his smiles, his frowns, the way his eyes glaze over when he’s bored, the way they gleam when he daydreams; they’re as precious to you as Soonyoung himself. But his face is a clean slate now, not a smile, not a frown, just a blank stare.

“You know a 167 is still insanely good, right?”

He shakes his head.

“Soonyoung.” He doesn’t look at you, so you grab his drink. Any other day and you would have failed miserably but his alcohol-impaired senses make him slow enough for you to get a hand on the half-empty glass. He glares at you but you don’t yield, tightening your grip and pulling the bottle even harder.

“Let go,” you growl. “Talk to me like a normal human.”

He shakes his head, pulling on the glass so you yank back, except you overestimate how weak he is like this, and the glass flies out of his hand, the contents spilling all over you. The red liquid sinks into your blue sweater, soaking you through all three layers.

“What the hell?” Soonyoung says.

“That gets your fucking attention? Spilling your drink?” You say. “You know, I really thought you were different.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re acting like a child. So you didn’t win the bet. Who fucking cares? Do you know how hard it is to get higher than a 160? Soonyoung, you are smart, and you worked so hard for this. You could go to law school with that score. You could graduate above a 2.3 if you stopped acting like a stereotypical fuck bro and actually studied.

“You know, you could actually be something if you wanted. You don’t have to get a degree and work at a corporate job that sucks your soul away until the Soonyoung that actually matters is gone. I know it’s easier this way, but if you actually tried to dream, you could do something. I don’t get it, honestly. Because everyone thinks you’re an idiot you act like one? Is that what it is?”

“You don’t have to pretend like you don’t think the same thing.”

You snort. “I don’t, but clearly you won’t believe me. You think that if you have to work for something then it’s not worth it when you could be so much more.”

“Why do you even care?” Soonyoung asks, looking you in the eyes for the first time. For a moment, you think you might actually be wrong, because all you see in his eyes is pain. A physical force that constricts your heart and makes you weak in the knees, Soonyoung looks at you like he’s been fighting a war you never knew about, like he’s been suffering in silence for a lifetime. He looks at you like you’ve broken his heart.

Why do I care? You could scoff. Because I’ve been in love with you ever since you fell asleep on my shoulder. I’ve been fighting this stupid crush for so long that I don’t know who I am without it. I don’t know who I am without you. I care because every day the world proves that we aren’t worthy of this planet, that love can’t solve all problems yet you make me question it all. You don’t just bring light into my life, you make it glitter. And I can’t tell you any of this.

“I don’t know.” The lie tastes bitter but it’s still sweeter than rejection.

“Then why are you here?” Soonyoung looks away. Without his eyes pinning you down, you can breathe again, but every inhale still drags against your heart. You stand up. Afterall, you don’t have an answer for him.

“I take it back. You are an idiot,” you mutter over his head as you walk past him. You make it to the corner of the street before the tears finally spill over your cheeks, and all the way back to your room before you can’t breathe.

Without the distraction of finals, you are left with your own thoughts, your words and Soonyoung’s floating around your head. You have always been something of a hermit but you’ve become J.D. Salinger himself, only leaving your room to sneak into the kitchen and scrounge for scraps of junk food that Jihoon hasn’t thrown away yet. You watch so much reality TV that you start to dream about it.

Every episode the people, a family living on a homestead that just happens to dress in brand name clothes and drive a Benz, fight and cry and make up. You yell at the mother when she forces her daughter to change because she didn’t think polka dots are appropriate and cry along with the daughter when she starts to sniffle in her confessional, wondering if her mother would ever approve of her choices, whether it was clothes or the people she wants to date.

You bet your confessional would be a hit if it was ever filmed. Tears run down your cheeks as you practice it in the mirror, choking out an apology for calling him an idiot and telling the whole world what you aren’t brave enough to tell him.

Jun calls but you can’t answer. He leaves three voicemails: an apology, a goofy one telling you he’ll be back soon, and a final one, yelling at you to pick up or at least let him know you’re alive. You text him an apology you don’t know if you mean. He says thank you anyway and doesn’t call again.

You have no plans to change your schedule (wake up, steal food, cry, sleep) but on the third day you run out of goldfish and can’t find anything in the kitchen that doesn’t make you nauseous. To make matters worse, despite the fact that it’s seven in the morning (the earliest you’ve woken up since the Fight), Jihoon catches you.

You’ve successfully avoided him and his inevitable lecture, slamming your door shut and ignoring his knocks but he catches you off guard today. He sneaks in from his morning workout wearing a black t-shirt and slides that he somehow manages to walk stealthily in, scaring you when you close the fridge and find him standing where the door was.

“Are you done hiding?”

“I’m not hiding,” you mutter.

He folds his arms.

“Fine,” you say. “I’m not done hiding.”

“Well too fucking bad,” Jihoon says. You try to step past him but he holds his arm out. You’ll never beat him in a physical fight so you step back, shaking your head.

“Have it your way. Go ahead.” You wave your hand. “Get it all out. Yell at me or lecture me or whatever, I don’t care. You’re going to tell me that I’m an idiot? That I shouldn’t be so afraid of rejection, that I’m blind to how he feels?

“Or are you going to tell me that I shouldn’t trust someone like him? That I shouldn’t be crying over a goddamn frat boy, I’m better than this, I’m better than him.” You choke back a sob, not sure what words are coming out anymore. You wipe at the tears in your eyes and are so focused on trying not to cry that you don’t notice Jihoon walking away. You do see him come back, blurry shape coming into focus as you blink away the tears. He holds something in his hand, a navy blue square. A throw pillow from the couch?

He shifts it in his hand until he holds the corner with the zipper, swinging it a couple times back and forth. Then he yanks his arm back and arcs the pillow in a wide loop, landing directly on your head.

“Ow!” You cry but Jihoon just swings again, hitting your arm this time. He hits you so hard it knocks you off balance, sending you to the floor. Jihoon doesn’t hesitate, swinging the pillow into you again and again, every inch of you.

“You. Are. An. Idiot.” He grunts out each word with a blow. “You really think you’re better than him?”

He finally pauses, not even breathing heavily. You shake your head to answer him. “Of course not.”

“Good,” he says. Then he hits you again and again and again.

“Ow, Jihoon, what the hell?” You bury your head in your knees and hold your arms over you, trying in vain to protect yourself.

“I’m not your babysitter,” he says. “I’m not your father, or your brother, or any of that shit. I��m your best friend and you’re being an idiot and I’m not going to stop hitting you until you get some sense knocked into you.” He freezes, as if realizing exactly what he said. “Wait, no–that’s not what I mean, shit, sorry, but–”

You peek out from your arms and find Jihoon opening and closing his mouth, trying to figure out what to say. He looks like a fish out of water, and it occurs to you he is a fish out of water. He’s never had to comfort you before, probably never had to comfort anyone. No wonder he’s so bad at it.

You wouldn’t laugh at him and borderline abuse, but your emotions are beyond fried, and he just looks so funny standing over you with a pillow raised, still sputtering half apologies. You try to stop the laugh before it comes out but it turns into a snort and then you can’t stop laughing, tears that you tried to push back falling freely. You lay back on the floor and laugh until your sides hurt, only vaguely aware of Jihoon laughing above you. Eventually he joins you on the floor.

“You know what I meant,” he says. The pillow rests on the floor between his legs, all the fluff on the far end from the one-sided pillow fight.

“I knew what you meant without the pillow.”

“Too bad,” Jihoon says. “I’m tired of listening to the theme song of that god awful show. You could at least watch something like–”

“I swear if you bring up an anime, you’ll feel exactly how hard that pillow can hit.”

Jihoon laughs, patting it a couple times. “I saw him the other day. He looked tired.” He pauses but you don’t dare speak. “We didn’t speak. I don’t even think he saw me. But it doesn’t matter because I’m not the one he needs to talk to.”

“I know,” you say.

“Then why are you still on the floor?”

Because you’re scared. Because it would be easier to just give up now, for once to ignore putting in the hard work and just let it pass. But just because it’s the easy option doesn’t mean it’s the right option. At the very least you need to apologize to him.

“What if he hates me?”

Jihoon snorts. “Then he’ll get some pillow violence too.” He pauses. “He doesn’t, though.”

“It doesn’t mean that it will turn out okay.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Jihoon says. “But no matter what happens, you’ll deal with it. And even if it absolutely sucks in the moment, eventually it will be over, and it sure as hell will be better than that stupid fucking show.”

You nod, setting your chin on your knees. Your stomach turns in anticipation for what you will have to do, but he’s right. It’s time to stop running. Tonight is the Christmas party, and you were never formally uninvited. Somehow you doubt Seungcheol will throw you out. It’s time to get off the floor and get ready.

“Have you ever thought of being a life coach?”

“Hell no.”

What am I doing here? You fake a smile at Seungcheol and swallow the shot as fast as you can, grimacing as the vodka burns everything from the inside of your mouth to the depths of your stomach. You should have just stuck to your mixed drink only policy but Soonyoung always has you breaking your rules. Even when he isn’t with you.

Seungcheol disappears as soon as you take the drink, and you don't see anyone else you are comfortable enough to chat with, though that list is quite short. You do a turn of the house, which looks marginally better than the last time you saw it ,the benefit of bad lighting. It’s already crowded with more people than you’ve ever seen on campus. You make your way through each room on the lower floor, finding more than a couple bleach blondes. None are who you’re looking for. You stop in the living room, where you saw him last.

“He isn’t here.” You turn at the voice. An unfamiliar boy stands next to you, holding a half-empty Smirnoff Ice. “He went to visit family or something.” He pauses, looking you up and down. “At least that’s what he said.”

You nod. You find it doesn’t surprise you that he seems to know who you are. You suppose you’ve grown used to it, just one of the side-effects of being close with Soonyoung. Though it’s still strange, it doesn’t make you uncomfortable anymore. Or it wouldn’t, if you didn’t think this stranger is implying that it’s your fault Soonyoung isn’t at the ‘Party of the Year.’

You can’t stand his gaze so you make your way back towards the drinks, grabbing the first bottle you could find and chugging half of the lukewarm drink. It tastes like a fruit you can’t recognize and carbonation and the more you drink the harder it is to swallow but you force it down.

You came to apologize. He isn’t here, so why do you stay? Because you promised him? Do you really miss him that much? That you would come here and suffer through all this chaos, just for the memory of him? It doesn’t make any sense but you think that might be a side effect of the alcohol. You get another drink just in case you’re still sober.

Your head pounds, the aching feeling of the stage between drunk and sober. Normally you’d like to be sound asleep by now, or at least in the comfort of your home, but you can’t bring yourself to leave. It’s hot and sweaty, the music is way too loud, and you can’t find water anywhere, but you stay anyway, because you’re an idiot that fell in love.

You curl up on the couch, opposite of a couple making out as if the room isn’t full of people, waiting for just a glimpse of him that will never appear. Even drunk, you think it’s pitiful, but you can’t stop.

You didn’t think you could fall asleep in all the noise but you open your eyes when you feel the world tilt sideways. You’re vaguely aware of the arms underneath your legs and back, cradling you against someone’s chest. No, not just someone.

Because you aren’t enough of an idiot, you can tell it’s him, his sweet scent, maybe even just his arms. Soonyoung carries you out of the living room and up the stairs, the blaring music fading only slightly.

“I thought you weren’t here,” you mumble.

Soonyoung frowns down at you. “You okay?”

You shake your head, suddenly realizing there are tears in your eyes. No, I’m not okay, I love you, you want to say. He squeezes you a little tighter, trying to hug you while still carrying you.

With your head resting against his chest, you can fully appreciate his beauty. His hair is black, which suits him even though he looks nothing like your Soonyoung anymore. You reach up and trace the lines of his face that are unchanging, the sharp straight line of his jaw, the gentle curve of his nose, his soft eyebrows. You drop your hand when you realize he’s staring at you, belatedly realizing you never got to his lips. You can only imagine how soft they’d be, soft like Soonyoung himself.

“You’re crying,” Soonyoung says softly. You can’t tell if he’s talking to you or not. He pauses in front of a door, struggling to open it without dropping you. Finally the door swings open and he sets you down on a bed, taking a deep breath and sitting beside you.

He brushes the tears from your eyes, as Soonyoung as ever. Sweet as ever. Sweet and Soonyoung. They should be the same word. You make a mental note to email Merriam-Webster’s dictionary and make the suggestion.

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything, just watching you with those perfect eyes. His hand rests on your face even though the tears are long gone, thumb tracing shapes on your cheek.

“You swore you’d do anything for me,” you say.

“Anything,” Soonyoung repeats.

You turn to the walls, knocking his hand off your cheek, not daring to look him in the eyes. Even drunk, you are a coward. He’s put up pictures on his wall, a couple Polaroids but mostly printed pictures, with the frat, some childhood pictures, and one that you recognize. The picture of the two of you at the beach that you thought you didn’t send, where you are looking at him with all the love in your heart. You trace his smile, blinding even in paper form.

“Could you maybe try loving me back then?” You mumble. Your eyes feel heavy between the alcohol and the tears and you’ve said what you needed to say, so you let them take over, closing your eyes and letting the blasting music from downstairs drown out any thoughts. And because it’s so loud and you’ve already drifted off to sleep, there’s no way you could hear his answer.

“I already do.”

The first thing you do when you wake up is throw up. You make it out of the bed but not to the bathroom, mostly because you don’t actually know where it is. You grab the nearest bucket-shaped item, which happens to be a mostly empty trash can. You lean away as soon as you’re done, breathing through your mouth and looking away from the mess. Belatedly, you realize someone is patting your back, brushing hair out of your face.

“Better?” Soonyoung asks. His knees rests against your lower back, one hand resting on your back, the other caressing your face. Thank god you already threw up because looking at him makes your stomach twist again and if there was anything in you, it would come up again. If you could throw up your heart, you would. As it is, the organ is trying to climb its way up your throat, whether it’s guilt or heartbreak you don’t know.

You nod in answer to his question, letting him help you up. Your head pounds and though you know you won’t throw up again, your stomach flips. Right, your policy of mixed drinks is definitely reinstated after this.

“Sorry I threw up in your trash can,” you say.

“Believe me, that is not the worst that trash can has seen,” Soonyoung says. “Wait, that sounds bad, I didn’t mean it in a weird way, I just mean–” He stops himself, shaking his head. “It’s a frat house.”

“It’s your room,” you say softly. With sober (albeit heavily hungover) eyes, you take in the room again. It’s tiny, one bed pushed against a wall with a desk set right next to it. Unsurprisingly, it’s stacked with protein powder and a pile of frat flyers, laptop balancing off the edge, not a paper in sight. Except for the one next to his bed, the walls are bare, an ugly shade of beige except for a circle filled with white plaster that looks suspiciously like the reformed crime scene of a fist going through drywall. It must be from whoever owned the room before Soonyoung.

The wall next to his bed is covered in pictures. You remember being amazed by them last night. Your eyes zero in on the picture of the two of you, right next to the pillow that’s still dented from your head.

“Did I steal your bed?” You frown except the movement hurts your head.

“I slept in Johnny’s room since he’s decided to disappear off the face of the planet instead of accepting the fact that he graduates next semester,” Soonyoung says. “I actually just came in here for some clothes, which reminds me.” He rummages through a drawer, pulling out a wrinkled t-shirt and handing it to you. “If you want a change.”

You glance down and feel like throwing up all over again. Your favorite shirt is covered in stains, alcohol, vomit, and something you definitely don’t want to name. If you weren’t feeling so terrible already, you’d cry that Soonyoung is seeing you like this.

“I’ll get you a toothbrush, too,” he mutters, disappearing and leaving you to scramble to switch shirts. The white dri-fit is meant to be a workout shirt, though it’s clear that it would be oversize on Soonyoung. Either way, the soft fabric is gentle on your skin, much better than the jeans you slept in. Too bad you’re stuck in them until you get back to your apartment.

You could run away right now. Soonyoung probably wouldn’t be surprised. But he’s being nice to you, so much nicer than you deserve. Sweet and Soonyoung. But you came here to apologize, and though last night got derailed, you can’t keep running from it. Besides, it’s not like the morning can get much worse.

So when Soonyoung comes back proudly brandishing an unopened toothbrush that he may or may not have stolen from Seungcheol’s bathroom, you accept it gratefully. You stare yourself down in the bathroom, fighting nausea and an impending migraine because you have a mission to achieve, a real mission unlike last night. It’s still a haze, but you don’t think you’ll ever forget how gently Soonyoung cradled you against his chest, the brush of his fingers on your cheek. If he didn’t show up this morning, you’d think it was a dream.

Soonyoung’s door is open when you finish but he isn’t in his room. You grab your bag from the floor and venture down the stairs, leaning heavily on the railing. There’s a couple people passed out in the living room, and one person snoring softly in the kitchen, head folded in his arms in a position that must be incredibly painful for his neck. But it’s where you find Soonyoung, digging through the fridge and finally pulling out a water bottle. He hands it to you, along with a bottle of pills.

“Thank you,” you sigh, not even bothering to check the label for the brand. You take a couple and chug half the bottle, gaslighting yourself into believing that it will instantly revive you (it doesn’t work and your head still pounds).

“Are you hungry?” Soonyoung asks. He opens the fridge again, this time wide enough to show the shelves that are filled with beer, vodka, and White Claws. There’s a pizza box and some eggs, but not much else.

“How are any of you alive?” You ask softly, glancing at the snoring person on the counter.

“Yuta can sleep through an apocalypse, don’t worry about him,” Soonyoung says, waving his hand. He closes the fridge, leaning against it. “And most of us keep our actual food in mini-fridges. I just cleared mine out for break, so I don’t have anything in it.” He doesn’t say anything else about vanishing.

“I’m pretty sure that pizza has been in there since the start of the semester and I’ve never seen eggs in here before though, so I don’t think you should risk any of this,” Soonyoung says. “McDonald’s fries are a far superior hangover cure, they’ve never failed me.”

“There’s a McDonald’s nearby?”

Soonyoung grins, pulling keys out of his pocket and spinning them around his fingers a couple times, except they fly off and clatter on the floor. The man asleep on the counter, Yuta apparently, stirs but doesn’t move. You can’t help but smile as Soonyoung scrambles to retrieve them from the floor. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was flustered.

“There isn’t one,” Soonyoung explains, leading the way to the door. “But I have the keys to Seungcheol’s car.”

“I’m not really comfortable with grand theft auto,” you say, though you don’t stop following him to Seungcheol’s giant white Jeep.

“He gave me the keys last night when I walked in,” Soonyoung says. “Something about owing me. He was pretty drunk.” He darts around to the passenger side before you can, opening the door for you. He waves his hand when you frown at him, as if you’re the one acting strange. Thinking with this headache is too hard so you just get into the car and strap the seatbelt on.

“I can’t believe you thought I’d steal a car,” Soonyoung says. He turns the engine on and scans the front of the car before finally settling his right hand on the gear shift.

“You have driven this car before, right?”

“Of course,” Soonyoung says a little too fast. You grab onto the door handle and hope that your stomach really is empty.

Soonyoung’s driving isn’t the worst you’ve ever experienced; that title goes to Jihoon, who was banned from touching car keys after his Mario Kart driving. That said, you think he’s a good second place. He slams on the gas and the brakes too hard and drives altogether too fast. He blasts the radio and sings along purposefully off key. You should be terrified but it’s the most fun you’ve ever had riding in the passenger seat.

“I’m never riding with you again,” you say, breathless from laughing. He pulls to a stop at the red light, the Golden arches of your destination still one light away. “You know yellow lights mean slow down right?”

“I stopped at this one!” Soonyoung says. “I’ll have you know I haven’t been in an accident.” He pauses. “Since I was nineteen.”

You nod, pursing your lips to stop yourself from smiling fully. “That’s what I figured.” You peek at Soonyoung and he’s smiling too.

So different from the last time you saw him. You don’t deserve this. You shouldn’t be able to laugh and joke around with him so easily, not when you still haven’t apologized. And Soonyoung shouldn’t be looking at you like that, genuine fondness in his eyes.

“The light’s green,” you say. His smile fades a little when he turns his head and drives ahead, stepping lightly for once. You’re so close now, but a car going straight in the right lane prevents him from turning.

The pain medicine must have kicked in because your headache is slowly fading, replaced by heartache that no medication can cure.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” You blurt out.

The blinker beeps a steady rhythm in the empty silence. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Nothing’s ever obvious with you, Soonyoung,” you say softly.

“Oh.” The light turns green and he guides the car slowly into the parking lot, stopping in a spot instead of pulling up to the drive through. As soon as the car is in park, he turns to face you. There’s a crease in his forehead that you recognize from the rare occasions that he would actually talk to you seriously. “YN, I genuinely thought I was being clear about this from the beginning, but if you still really don’t get it, then I’ll say it straight up: I like you. I’ve liked you since the day we met and then I fell in love with you.

“Did you know you’re the first person that’s ever genuinely believed in me? I mean, I know I have friends, and my family means well, but they always get this look in their eye whenever I talk about trying for things, like it was cute that I was trying, but they never actually believed in me. And I started to believe them too. I started to believe that I couldn’t believe in myself.” He frowns. “That makes no sense. The point is, you are the reason I started to believe in myself again.

“No one’s ever looked at me like you do. No one’s ever told me to get my shit together–well, they have, but you’re the only one that told me it was because I could be better.

“You say it wasn’t obvious, but I’ve tried to tell you a thousand times. I flirted, I tried to ask you on a date so many times, and I finally accepted that you’d never see me like that, so I was a dick. I told you off, even though you were right. I’m so sorry for that, and I’m sorry I ran away, and I’m sorry it took me so long to apologize.”

“Stop,” you say. Soonyoung’s eyes widen, tears welling up, and you realize he thinks you’re rejecting him. “Stop apologizing!” His brow creases in confusion, an adorable frown. Summoning all your courage, you reach out, resting your hand on his. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I didn’t have any right to judge you and the choices you were making, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you when I knew how much the bet meant to you.”

You squeeze his hand, closing your eyes. “And I think I was a little oblivious on purpose. I’m not the kind of person that has crushes, let alone crushes that like me back, so I freaked a little and missed all the signs.” You open your eyes and grin at him. It’s easy to feel brave when he smiles back at you. “But I like you, Soonyoung. I like you so much, I don’t have enough words to express it. My whole life has been about my future, my career, and it’s exhausting, but being with you makes it all exciting again. Like, no matter what happens, if you’re with me, it won’t just be okay, it’ll be fun.”

Soonyoung beams. “Really?”

You squeeze his hand. “I like you.” Like the first time you took the LSAT, you can’t think of a single word, except instead of damning your future this feels like the start of it. Soonyoung sits across from you and you don’t need words.

You don’t know how long you sit there, but reality sets in when your stomach growls. You glance outside the window and remember where you are. “Did you just confess to me in a McDonald’s parking lot?”

“Better than drunk in my own bed.”

“I didn’t!” You let go of his hand to hide your face.

Soonyoung grins. “You were cute!”

“I don’t remember it, it doesn't count!”

“Whatever you say,” Soonyoung says, leaning over the center console. He gently pulls your hands away from your face, hand circling your wrist gently. You instinctively hold your breath, though you don’t lean away. Soonyoung leans a little closer, forehead resting against yours.

“This okay?” He whispers, breath kissing your lips, and you remember that less than an hour ago, you were throwing up. Your head still aches and your stomach is still queasy and your whole body feels disgusting.

“We are not having our first kiss in a McDonald’s parking lot,” you say, leaning back. Soonyoung sighs, but he sits back in his chair, settling for grabbing your hand and interlacing his fingers with yours.

“Fine,” Soonyoung says. He rubs his thumb back and forth, and when you meet his eyes, you see a familiar glint of trouble. “You know I’m still sworn to you. Whatever you want.”

The words go straight to your heart. You could live a thousand lives and never meet someone as genuine as Soonyoung. You know that he means it, heart and soul, that he’d do anything for you. And it should be terrifying that he’s willing to bear his heart for you, that you are willing to do the same. But it’s Soonyoung. It’s easy to trust him with it, because even though he breaks half the computers he touches and can’t hold onto a pencil for his life, he won’t ever drop your heart.

I love you. One day you’ll be able to say it, one day you’ll scream it like you so desperately want to. But until then, you settle for his certified brilliant smile and the gentle brush of his lips on the back of your hand, only letting go to turn the engine back on.

“Let’s get you some fries,” he says. “Then kisses?”

You shake your head and laugh, slipping your hand back into his.

Before he can put the car into gear, his phone rings. He stares at the screen for a moment, frowning like he can’t decide whether he should answer it or not. Finally he slides the green across, turning on speaker.

“Hey Seungcheol, I’m with—”

“Where the hell are you? And where is my car?” Seungcheol’s voice is somewhere between angry and concerned. “You think it’s okay to vanish and then show up only to steal my car?”

“First of all, you gave me the keys,” Soonyoung says. He glances at you. “And I’m at McDonald’s because YN desperately needed a hangover cure.”

“Hey,” you say so Seungcheol knows you’re there.

The line is quiet for so long you think Soonyoung’s phone has finally given up on him but eventually he says, “You’re with YN?”

“We talked,” he says. “And we’re good.”

You snort. “That’s how you’re going to describe it?”

“Are we not good?”

You glance at your hand still intertwined with his, the Soonyoung Sparkle glittering back at you when you look him in the eyes. Good? There’s not a word to describe how you feel right now.

“We are beyond good.”

“Are you crying?” You whisper. Soonyoung shakes his head, chin brushing against your head but when he inhales again, he sniffles. You reach up to pat his cheek and are entirely unsurprised when it’s wet. On screen Elle Woods continues her speech, for once not wearing pink.

“She’s just so cool,” Soonyoung says. You lift your head off his chest so you can look him in the eyes. The temptation to tease him is hard to resist but he pouts his lips and you see another tear slip out. You kiss his cheek, out of habit more than anything. Strange how much can change in two weeks, how something you’ve never imagined doing has become natural. But being with Soonyoung is just like that. New and old at the same time, the kind of comfort that has you planning how to make this last a lifetime.

Soonyoung wraps his arms around you tighter, so you nestle back into his chest, turning away from the end of the movie to close your eyes and breathe in his cologne.

“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this,” you whisper, lips brushing against his neck. “The whole bet was based on a movie you haven’t seen.”

“You’re missing the end,” he says. His voice rumbles in your ear, drowning out his heartbeat.

“I’ve seen it before.” Your bed really isn’t built for two people to lay down together. You are laying more on Soonyoung than the mattress but it’s not the first time. From the way he holds you, you doubt it’ll be the last.

The credits roll too quickly, but Soonyoung still doesn’t let go. He pulls you up so that your head is next to his, nose centimeters away from yours.

“So am I officially qualified to go to law school?” He asks.

“You are Elle Woods certified,” you say. “But you’re sure that’s what you want?”

“I mean I have to get in. But I figure if I’m going to waste away at a desk, I might as well do it for something I believe in.” He pauses. “With someone that believes in me.” He presses a kiss to the side of your neck, breath tickling the sensitive skin. You can’t help but sigh.

“That doesn’t mean it’s what you want,” you say, after several heartbeats of struggling to think.

“I want…” His words “To be with you. However you’ll have me.” His arms loosen, hands sliding down to your waist.

“Still not answering the question,” you breathe out but you can’t even remember what the question is, not when he’s shifting to lay on top of you, lips inching their way up your neck. He kisses your jaw, your cheek, the corner of your lips, then stops, pulling away and meeting your eyes again.

The Soonyoung Sparkle. The grinch has nothing on you–your heart swells so large it feels like it’s going to explode out of your chest–Alien style. Does he know what he does to you? How he’s made everything in your life shine? How happy you are when he’s with you?

“I love you,” you whisper.

Soonyoung blinks at you. “You…”

“I love you,” you say again, this time with more confidence. “I really, really love you.”

Soonyoung grins, leaning down and pressing his lips to yours, moving like the world outside has stopped. He makes a bubble around you again, or maybe it’s your own heart; either way the only thing that exists is the way his hands inch up your shirt, the way his lips begin to press harder against yours. You give up on coherent thoughts, settling for wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

“I love you, too,” Soonyoung whispers between kisses. “If that wasn’t obvious.”

Soonyoung who always treated you like you were enough already. Soonyoung who does everything with 100% of his heart. Soonyoung who has always been sincere with you, from the first day you met him. Soonyoung, who you are so lucky to be loved by.

You don’t know how to say any of this in a way that makes sense so you let his fire melt you until you are putty in his arms. He pulls away, and the Soonyoung Sparkle burns, your personal stars flickering back at you.

“You want to–” Soonyoung starts to say, but the door slams open. Then Soonyoung falls on you, pillow rolling off his head.

“I’m taking this back!” Someone shouts while you hear Jihoon cursing.

“Read the room, idiot!” Soonyoung pushes off of you, sitting up and pulling your shirt down as smoothly as he can. You sit up, trying to decide if you should be embarrassed or angry. Facing Jun, frozen midstep with his jaw hanging open a little and Jihoon in the doorway with his arms folded, shaking his head slightly, you opt for the latter.

“Does no one knock in Colombia?” You frown at him. “And when did you get back? Why didn’t you call?”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” he mumbles, staring at his feet. “And you were supposed to be alone, according to my sources.” He glares at Jihoon.

“YN didn’t say he was coming over,” he says with a shrug.

You turn your frown to him. “You walked in halfway through the movie, I literally shouted ‘Soonyoung’s over.’”

“I had my headphones on,” he says, though he’s avoiding your eyes too. Typical of your friends, never claiming responsibility for their actions.

“So this is Soonyoung,” Jun says, turning to face him. Soonyoung moved to the edge of the bed, too far away for your taste but probably an appropriate distance for your friends, especially compared to what they walked in on. Jun tilts his head. “You dyed your hair.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung scratches the back of his head. “Spur of the moment thing.” You miss the blonde, surprisingly fitting considering it isn’t his natural color. But the black suits him too, and probably will help him with law school interviews. Then again, knowing Soonyoung, this color won’t last long either. Good thing there isn’t a color you don’t think suits him.

“We should do this properly,” Soonyoung says. “Go out for dinner or something.”

“Hey, I didn’t get dinner,” Jihoon says.

“You want to get dinner with me?” Soonyoung perks up.

“No, I’m protesting unfair treatment.”

“It’s not unfair, I’m just clearly his favorite,” Jun says.

“Can you guys stop fighting over my boyfriend?” You say.

Jihoon and Jun stare at you. When Soonyoung turns to face you, he grins, eyes sparkling.

“What?”

“You just called him your boyfriend,” Jun says.

“Well… he is.” You feel your cheeks flush. “Why are you guys making it weird?”

“It’s not weird,” Soonyoung says. He scoots closer to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “It’s cute,” he whispers in your ear. “Adorable.” This only makes you flush even more.

“Well, I don’t want to interrupt, so I’ll just grab this and you two can get back to… whatever.” Jun takes a step towards your bookcase. You grab the pillow that he threw at Soonyoung and nail him in the chest, earning a laugh from Jihoon.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“The book is mine, Soonyoung never fulfilled the bet!” Jun says. You stand up, blocking him from your Pride and Prejudice.

“Hey, I followed through!” Soonyoung says. “We’re dating!”

“I remember the bet stating that you had to ask YN out after you took the LSAT.” Jun turns to him.

“And I did,” Soonyoung says. “You never said it had to be right after.”

Jun eyes him. “That’s cheating.”

“That’s being a lawyer,” you say. “And I think he’s going to be really good at it.”

Jun glances between you and Soonyoung and shakes his head. “Whatever, I’ll get my book back another day.”

You step closer to Soonyoung and he links his pinky with yours. You glance at your friends. “Are you going to stand there forever or are we getting dinner?”

“You two don’t want to get back to what you were doing?” Jihoon asks.

You slip your hand into Soonyoung’s. He meets your eyes and he’s only been your boyfriend for two weeks but looking at him is like looking home. There’s no need to rush.

“Sounds like someone doesn’t want to pick where we go.”

“We should make them pay, too,” Soonyoung says.

You grin at him. “You are the smartest person I know.”

#🌟 stars galaxy #seventeen #seventeen x reader #svt #svt reader #seventeen fanfic #seventeen fanfiction #seventeen fluff #kwon soonyoung #hoshi #svt hoshi #soonyoung x reader #hoshi x reader #hoshi fluff #soonyoung fluff #hoshi angst #soonyoung angst #soonyoung #svt x reader

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gyuswhore · 1 year

Text

The thing about love;

Hoshi (k.s.y) x reader; university!au (ft. Jeonghan x OC)

genre: fluff, angst, humour, one sided pining

warnings: slow burn, swearing, corny jokes, slapping (apologies are given), yelling, alcohol, shitty friends, kind of a mean girl thing (not reader), broken friendships, heavy emotions (at certain points), reader in denial (lmk if there's anything else)

25.3k words (I will better myself)

masterlist

excerpt: The slap you sent across Kwon Soonyoung’s face sent a reverberating sound across the dance studio.

He looks up, eyes bloodshot and swimming with fury. There’s a hint of a smile on his face for some reason, which you realize may be out of disbelief.

You don’t register anything else other than the rage that accelerates down your own veins. There’s a part of you that wants to do it again when he utters his next words.

“That was a bad fucking idea”

(A/N): FINALLY it's here. Tysm for clicking on this I love y'all tons for the support on all my other work, I hope this one makes the mark too! This reflects more of my personal situations more than you’d think, broken friendships that you'd never imagine to lose hurt like a bitch and I’m so sorry if you’ve gone through this too. Hopefully, Hoshi can give you some solace <3

***

“No” had become your response to a lot of people ever since they started finding out you were best friends with Jennie.

You loved her, a lot, but not that much when people in your classes that you’ve never spoken to before would come up to ask for her number under the pretense of asking for notes.

Jennie was gorgeous. She was gorgeous in elementary school, never had an awkward middle school phase, and was classified as stunning all throughout high school. It was a bit unbelievable, but having seen it all, it was common knowledge for you. While she was naturally very pretty, Jennie always knew how to carry herself. She realized what she had to do to look presentable when most pre-teens like her, absolutely did not. This was confidence that she’d built for years.

At an age where everyone is trying to find themselves, Jennie had herself all figured out.

You were denying another poor lover in the library, knowing he was cussing you out in his head for wasting his time. This one lasted longer though, you had almost 3 separate study sessions before he popped the question.

Honestly, you really can’t complain too much. It was nice having a study partner that sacrificed their wants for your own conditions and preferences - you hated when people spoke to you before the timer went off, Jennie doesn’t get that. You see it coming, after 3 years, of course you do, but you let it happen because there was really no way to deflect them when there was no obvious giveaway to the general individual, and you got use out of it, so you let it be.

Besides, it got significantly easier by your second year, when you finally had a reason for your “no” that actually made them shut up.

“She has a boyfriend”

His face kind of falls, but you knew you weren’t telling him any information he didn’t know. But he tried anyway, and you can respect that.

Jennie started dating Kwon Soonyoung of the dance team at the beginning of her second year at university. He was fine, you meet him a lot during frat parties and other meet-ups; you’d classify him as a friend but that was it really. His friends called him Hoshi (Jennie hated that name for some reason), he liked tigers (?) and he liked to dance. So much so that he was the pride of not just the dance team, but the university as a whole too. A micro-celebrity? You aren’t entirely sure, but you do know that he’s popular as fuck.

You decide to call it a day after watching the grumbly soul struggle through another 50 minutes of discreet math after his indirect rejection during your scheduled breaks. He’s quick to leave with a half smile; he won’t be texting you for too long after this.

You pack up to leave too, but not before grabbing Americano’s for both you and Jennie like she texted you a couple hours ago. You’re about to walk across the street to get to your dorm building when you hear a yell for your name along the pavement.

It’s Jennie running towards you at full speed. You turn to her in a panic trying to signal her to slow down, knowing what she was planning on doing.

“Jennie- JENNIE! I’m holding DRINKS, PLEASE”,

She doesn’t care as she continues to barrel towards you faster, forcing you to jump out of the way when she gets close enough so you don’t spill coffee all over your white zip up.

She tries to stop before she hits the banner advertising your uni’s IT club, which she does. But not before she drops her bag and herself with it onto the grass from the momentum. She jolts up, annoyed.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had drinks in your hand?” she huffs

You look at her in mild shock, “The same drinks you asked me to get you? And what do you mean, I literally yelled at you, you could see them in my hands too”

She pauses before muttering “Whatever, help me up”

You lift your hands and arms full of coffee, a paper bag, and a tote in mock helplessness, “Hands full, sorry chief”

Once she does get up and dusts herself off, she helps you with your load as you cross the street back to your dorm.

Once there, you set everything down before heading in to change into your pajamas for comfort.

“Hey, can I call a raincheck on movie night? Soonie wants to show me the new choreo for comp but he doesn’t get the studio till 9 for like an hour”

You swerve in your socks as you hear her say that; this was the 4th time.

“Jennie, you said that last week! And the week before, and the one before that-"

“I know, I know! But please, you know he can’t run stuff through the team without showing me first” She has her pleading eyes out, she tries to walk towards you to squeeze you, but you dodge her for the second time that hour.

“Fine! Go to your man” you say, hands raised and visibly annoyed. You’re actually walking into your room before you come back out when you hear her start to say something “And don’t promise anything for next week, especially when you know you can’t keep it”

You slam the door a little too hard as you hear a muffled “I’ll make it up to you!” from the other side.

You scoff a little, also knowing that she’s repeated that for the past year and has barely kept to it.

You had hoped her blowing you off every other day for something was a symptom of the honeymoon phase, that she’d grow out of after the first couple months of dating Soonyoung. That couple months grew to more than a year and those two are still seemingly attached to the hip, which would be cute if it didn’t automatically put you on the lower side of the priority list.

It was disrespectful, and you’d never ever put up with it if it was anyone else, but you loved Jennie too much to give her more than a few stern responses. She’d stuck with you through your worst and your best, became a sister in every way but blood. No matter what, there comes a point where you realize you can’t abandon someone who’s become family.

Besides, you’re sure you’ve done (and actively do) multiple things that make her want to bury you 6 feet deep, and she hasn’t done it yet. Give and take?

That doesn’t stop you from pushing your legs into the holes of your pajama shorts any less aggressively though, actively pissed at another blow off. You wash the makeup off your face, scrubbing more aggressively than you should as you dry off to a red and irritated face. You hope the moisturizer helps.

When you come out Jennie’s already gone. It was still only 6 PM, but that wasn’t gonna stop her from jetting off at the first chance. You glance at the table to notice one missing coffee of two and a half a cold croissant.

At least she put it on a plate.

***

Joshua was sprawled out on the loveseat, blanket over his body as you ranted from the adjacent single-seater. You were watching Moana, but Maui’s character was pissing Joshua off for some reason so he turned your attention to a makeshift therapy session instead.

“How many times do you give someone the same, very upset reaction for them to stop continuing to do the same thing the next time? Because it’s really not fun being in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. I’m just tired of having to mentally prepare myself for a ‘hey, sorry’ text for any plan that we make, sometimes while I’m already at the place!”

You started slightly yelling at some point, and Joshua looks quite invested, despite hearing Jennie as a topic for the nth time, so you keep going.

“And I want to blame her boyfriend, but I can’t because, is it not her job to schedule things appropriately? She's a grown ass adult!"

You’re fully yelling now, breathing heavily as a weight is being lifted off your shoulders. You don't talk about Jennie problems with anyone except Joshua and Alyssa. You two were seen as too close-knit for you to be talking like this about her to people who were your close friends, but not enough to trust them to not get the wrong idea and think you're actively bashing her.

Because you're not, at least that's what both Josh and Alyssa tell you at the end of every frustrated ramble. It's guilt you feel, like you're betraying your friend for a petty problem you have with her attitude.

"You know, you'd think another party would be less important than a commitment she's been falling out on for 4 weeks," Joshua states, leaning across the gap between him and the coffee table to grab a handful of trail mix. "As much as I love watching an overgrown man baby sing about his life's achievements, it should be her sitting here not me. And that's something that's past the point of excuses"

"She's not at a party" you grumble, trying to take in Joshua's last bit about excuses.

"Yeah, she is" He retorts.

"How do you know that, fucking campus reporter or something?" you shoot back, annoyed at his certainty.

"You don't follow Hoshi? Or Dino? Or literally anyone from the dance team?"

"Why can't any of these people have normal names? And, yes, I do. I think I follow Jun or Hao or someone, Soonyoung too. Why does it matter?" you’re grumbling now.

"Where did Jennie tell you she went?" Joshua asks, his chewing slowed.

You're looking at him a little wavered now, when you answer.

"At the studio? She said it was at 9, and she should be there right now. Something about Soonyoung wanting to show her a new choreo for comp"

"Comp season ended last week, do even live in this establishment? Hoshi's passionate but even he needs rest, no way he has something cooked up so soon"

You're building a retort before he shoves his phone in your face.

"Besides they're literally at the end-of-season party, right now. The entire team's posting about it and Jennie's in the pictures"

You grab his phone as you see a shaky video of Jennie and her friend Minji dancing to indecipherable music, seemingly having the time of their lives. You're leaning forward, elbows on thighs, as you notice she's wearing the same outfit you last saw her in just a few hours ago.

You regret not touching your phone the entire day.

"Did you really not know? I thought that was why you were so mad"

You're tapping through the endless stories Chan had posted, almost all of them containing either Jennie or Soonyoung. Sometimes both. You only answer when you're done, and it moves to another person's posts.

"No. I didn't know" Your expression is blank, as you process what this meant.

"I think - she was invited too so she wasn't a plus one. She hosts the in-house competitions and everything." Joshua starts cautiously, monitoring your expression.

You know he's only telling you this because you hate not knowing. Anything. You hate being left in the dark.

Jennie knows that better than anyone.

"So, who was her plus one?" you ask, taking a breath and sitting up straight.

He pauses before saying, "I don't know, Minji’s there. I don't think she even knows anyone from the team"

You end up leaning back on the sofa, trying to process this new advancement. The cogs in your brain are pushing to rotate as hard as they can but whatever thought they're trying to pull is sedimented to stay as is.

"She's gonna come home drunk. And maybe bring Soonyoung with her. I really don't wanna be here for that" you say quietly, voicing the realization as it comes to you.

"Fuck that. Come home with me, and shut this stupid movie off" He grabs the remote and turns off the TV. It's completely silent in the room now.

"I can't, I have a meeting in the morning," you say, your voice devoid of any particular emotion.

"It's Saturday tomorrow. What do you mean?"

"Some T.A. thing, I don't know man" you reply.

"Pack an outfit then, grab a toothbrush bring a fucking suitcase, I don't care. You don't need to be seeing her anytime soon. "

You know he's right, you aren't sure what you'll do when you see her. You know she's gonna come home, with Soonyoung or not, she hates his roommates. She fucking hates everyone.

"Go. Pack your stuff, I'm taking you with me. Now. I'll clean up from here"

You push yourself off your seat and launch yourself forward into Joshua's arms. You hugged him for a little bit, trying to gain your bearings, he didn't say a word and just hugged you back.

As you're shoving your stuff into an overnight bag and pulling sweatpants over your shorts, you wonder what you would've done if you found out by yourself and were forced to come face to face with her.

Again, you're not sure what you'd do. But you're afraid the worst thing you probably would've done, was nothing.

***

Seokmin, Joshua's roommate wasn't home when you both got to his place. Which was upsetting because you were starting to count on his presence to make you feel better, as infectious as his optimism is. But you crash on Joshua's bed, nevertheless, trying to decide if you wanted to cry or make dinner.

You chose the latter except Joshua ate nothing but cereal and instant ramen, so you ordered takeout. But by the time the food got here, you had skimmed through your entire timeline for pictures of the end-of-season party, which it seemed like everyone was at.

You didn't care that you weren't invited, you didn't mind a good house party once in a while but it wasn't a regular occurrence for you and you liked it that way. It wasn't some gathering that you were missing right now.

What hurt was that Jennie lied straight to your face. And for seemingly no good reason other than she needed an excuse to get out of hanging out with you. It wasn’t that stuff like this was a rare occurrence, having gone to parties thrown by the dance team themselves multiple times; Jennie even more than that. You knew you weren't disliked by people, nor someone who brought the mood down by just sitting there. People on the team and beyond that were friends with you, if not that then they certainly knew of your existence.

You also knew that there was no excuse she could've given (outside of emergencies) that would not have made you upset, including a supposed private showing of her boyfriend’s prancing dance moves.

Throughout all of this, you found no possible reason why she would feel the need to lie to you, realizing more and more that the chances being within your faults were getting slimmer and slimmer with each passing thought.

You realize she may have been lying the past 4 weeks too if not more than that.

You’re voicing all of this as a train of thought as you eat your food on Joshua's bedroom floor. He's listening to you talk, allowing you to make connections and figure things out for yourself.

"Maybe I've been too insufferable. I don't know why else she'd do something like this"

Joshua scoffs as he picks at his veggies "My ass, it's her that's insufferable, they only ever invite her to stuff out of courtesy for Soonyoung. I guess her MC-ing thing is an added reason but I know for a fact that she's only there at other parties because of him"

He shovels a spoonful of rice in his mouth, "She used up her pretty privileges long ago before people realized how obnoxious she was. I get why you put up with her but honestly, can she stop yelling all the fucking time it's migraine-inducing just thinking about it"

Your interest was piqued when you urged Josh to continue. This was news to you.

"What do you mean? Is she not liked?"

"Let's start with how her mood swings are a nightmare, and she expects everyone to keep up with it and tend to her every last need. She hates it when Mingyu or anyone roasts her for something knowing full well she's said more than enough below-the-belt bullshit straight to his and other people's faces while laughing."

This was so much information. Too much.

"How come-"

"Because you’re her best friend. Why would anyone show you that they have a problem with her? Besides, it's not you that's the problem, it's her. They invite you all the time - they aren't bound to do that - because they want you to be there. Jennie's under the sour impression that it's her influence that brings you there, which is far from the truth"

You've put your utensils down at this point, processing yet another plethora of information.

"How come you didn't tell me about any of this," you ask him quietly.

You knew that Joshua wasn't too fond of Jennie because he believed she was using you too much. But how other people also felt was something you realize you should've figured out by yourself.

"Because you worry too much. That she'd get hurt or somebody might say something to her to put her off. You care too much to the point where you're more worried about her than she is about herself, let alone about you - no I don't wanna hear it, you know I'm right, Y/n"

Assertion was not common to hear with Joshua, so if he was being this stern, there had to be some validity to it that you can't see just yet.

So, you silence yourself and try to think about what this means for you.

"Why do you think she's being so careless right now? She's lying to you and then proceeding to not care that people are posting her. There's no way she doesn't know, she has about ten cameras shoved in her face in almost all of them. The truth of the matter is that she knows you're on her side no matter what, she doesn't have to worry about convincing you"

It's a slap in the face, but one that you know you needed if you were to take any steps going forward.

"Should I talk to her about it tomorrow?" You ask, genuinely not knowing what to do.

"I think it's high time you confront her about this. About everything, really. She's getting too comfortable doing whatever the fuck she wants and that's not how a friendship works, doesn't matter how long you know a person"

You know he's right. But you also know it's gonna be a nightmare trying to bring this up to her. You don't mind confrontation, it's not something you run away from and neither does Jennie. The problem arises in the fact that Jennie is the most defensive person you know, all while under the assumption that she's 'quite understanding' (her words, not yours).

"That's what I think you should do. The rest is up to you"

He's putting responsibility back in your hands, after helping you realize what you owed yourself. You appreciate him for that more than he could imagine, but you wonder if you're ready to deal with the headache that's bound to come when you bring this up with her.

You fluff your pillow about 7 and a half times that night as you try to go to sleep, Joshua long gone before you as he breathes softly on the other side of the pillow barrier you'd erected.

You decide you won't open your eyes anymore as you lie on your right side, facing the door. That doesn't last long as images of Jennie and Soonyoung doing shots play across your mind, frame by frame all thanks to the insta stories you'd rewatched about 50 times despite not wanting to see them at all. You couldn't stop yourself.

"I'll make it up to you!"

You aren't sure how she's gonna rebound from this glorious fuck up, but you hope she does. You still hope there's a missing piece to this story.

***

You managed to pull yourself up for your 9 AM meeting, getting ready while Joshua slept. He wakes up before you leave though, force-feeding you cereal for breakfast when he found out you were about to leave for your day with an empty stomach. He hugs you goodbye at the door, knowing well enough he'll be passing out again once the door closes. You love him for sacrificing his precious z's for your sake.

The meeting goes well and you have lunch with the other T.A. before deciding it's time you go back home. You were dreading it, but it was late afternoon and you really wanted to take a nap. So you walk to the campus cafe and grab yourself a coffee. You realize you ordered two out of habit but figured Jennie would need it for whatever demons she'd be fighting post-hangover.

With that thought you questioned whether you should be confronting her at all in this state. So, for your own sake and hers, you decide you'd put it off until tomorrow. But that was as far as you were pushing it. Just because your head was clearer than it was last night doesn't mean the problems had diffused with it, this was only a deadline you were setting for yourself.

Not sure what you were expecting when you walked in through that door, incessant banging was not what you would’ve guessed to be happening at 3PM. For a wild half a minute you’re frozen in the doorway, slightly mortified that you may have walked into Jennie and Soonyoung during their activities. But as you try to tiptoe past the hallway to put your stuff in the kitchen you look over to see a disheveled Jennie slamming her fist onto your bedroom door repeatedly.

This looks like the same Jennie, a mirror of you after your endless nights at wretched house parties. The ones where you both would drink yourselves to death, only to wake up wanting to scoop your brains out. If you weren’t sure of what she’d done before this, now you definitely did.

It wasn’t an awkward walk-in, but it may have been worse as you notice your handle broken off the door, sitting on the floor.

It takes you a second to register what you’re seeing.

“Jennie? JENNIE?”

She finally looks over to the sound of your voice, visibly agitated, looking like she just rolled out of bed. You rush to put your things down on the table before entering the hall she was standing in.

“You were out? You were out this whole time?” Her face is still slightly puffy, her glasses in, and her hair looking like a rat’s nest. Her tone has a hint of accusation in it, and you feel a twinge of annoyance spring in the back of your mind as you hear it.

“Yes? Why are you banging on my door, did you break the handle?” You ask incredulously.

“Because your door was fucking locked?”, she retorts like it was the most obvious answer for destroying your door.

“So you decide to, what, bust it down?”

“I needed painkillers, you didn’t tell me you were out, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Jennie, the painkillers are in the medicine cabinet in the kitchen, where they’ve always been.” You bend down swiftly to pick up your door handle. “And besides, I don’t need to tell you I was going out, I don’t know why you’d think I would.”

“How long have you been gone?”

Her tone is making your own head hurt.

“Since last night? Why does this matter” You’re getting properly angry now, and it’s not helping that she’s acting like she was wronged for whatever reason.

“Where were you?” She asks sharply.

“Why the fuck-”

“Do not tell me you were over at Joshua’s?” She asks you, stepping back like she was in disbelief. Like she had been betrayed or something.

There was a fire raging inside you by then, your vision flexing for a second before you regained composure, quite literally holding back a punch.

“Seriously, I told you to stop hanging out with that guy, he looks at me so weird he knows I have a boyfriend” She’s speaking very loudly, and the sound is reverberating inside your head like a gong. You want to shut her up so bad.

Instead of giving in to your urge to fully swing, you opt to take a couple breaths to control your racing heart and mind. You cannot let her get into your head.

“Where were you last night, Jennie?”

Your question sounds innocent, but there’s venom laced in your tone. There was a threat looming, and you know she could feel it all of a sudden too. Her expression changes slightly, and there’s a hint of the face she had shown you when she told you the same thing last night;

“The dance studio, I told you! Choreography, comp season? My boyfriend? He’s on the dance team if you weren’t aware” She’s mocking you, trying to cover up a lie.

“Why the headache, then? And rolling out of bed at this hour?” You’re asking her simple questions, partly because those are all you can muster (other than a string of the worst profanities your 11th-grade art teacher graciously taught you). But mostly because you’re trying to give her an opening. You want her to tell you the truth before spitting it on her face by yourself.

“We drank at some bar down a couple blocks, the both of us. Yes, I have a hangover, stop asking me questions”

You’re silent for a little bit. She thinks she won.

“Jennie, do you really think I’m stupid?” It’s a quiet voice that comes out directly from your chest, it’s shaky. Is it hurt or anger? You can’t decide, maybe both.

“What, you think I’m lying?” She says, barking out a blistering, heated laugh.

For a second, you think you might have been mistaken. Her certainty was unwavering, almost testing your audacity. Even when you’re so sure of yourself, there’s still a part of you that wants to believe her, so fucking bad.

“Comp season ended last week” It’s a declarative statement, one that you can’t take away.

Her face changes again. For the first time since this fight started, Jennie looks unsure of herself.

“Comp season ended last week, Jennie” You repeat, “And last night was the end-of-season party”

You blatantly look at her up and down before adding “, if you needed your memory jogged”

Rendered speechless, you can see the gears turning in her head as she figures out what to say.

“I don’t know why you lied, to go to the same fucking party, with the same fucking people, that we both go to all the fucking time”

“Y/n-”

“No, Jennie, I’ve had enough. You’ve been blowing me off for literally fucking everything for the past fucking year or something, did you get a boyfriend and decide to let it inflate your head?”

You’re yelling, loudly.

“How do I know what else you’ve been lying to my face about? When you can spit borderline folklore out of your mouth like its fucking nothing, that’s not a flex that’s psychopathic!”

Your breathing is heavy, so heavy.

“How do you do it? Because I wanna know. How do you lie so easily? To think you’d spare me at the very least. I cared for and trusted you enough to put my heart into your hands, I let you lie to me about the stupidest things and it’s me I should be blaming because what the fuck was wrong with me? To let you, literally manipulate me like this. Every fucking day it feels like.”

There’re tears running down your face, as you scream at her.

“And don’t you dare say I’m the one overreacting, because you know about the shit you’ve been pulling. To the disrespect, to the manipulation, to every single time you’ve treated me like I was your fucking sidekick or something. I’m so beyond sick of it. I wanted you to tell me the truth right now, but you chose to continue to lie and make me feel guilty about something that’s not even my fucking fault. Because you’re weak. You need to make everyone feel inferior so you can put yourself up on that pedestal you’ve made out of other people’s dignity. And honestly, it’s a really ugly look on you”

You turn around and run your hands through your hair, rubbing the tears off your face harshly in an attempt to calm yourself.

“I put you before everything. Before my own feelings, my own comfort. Because the last thing I wanted was for you to be hurt about anything. I kneeled after every horrible thing you’d say or do because no matter how much it hurt me, I couldn’t stay mad at you. Because sisters always forgive each other. I treated you like family.”

You stop, choosing to not go further before you have a proper meltdown in the hallway, all for her to just keep looking at you, blank and silent.

Hearing the click of a door opening on the other side of the house, in the other disconnected hallway, you look behind to see a half-asleep Soonyoung walk out dazed and confused.

Of course he was here.

You look back to see Jennie with the same neutral expression, incessantly avoiding your gaze.

You don’t walk inside your room until she’s finally made eye contact, to which you realize you had thrown the purest look of disgust and disappointment.

You’d flopped onto your bed, adrenaline slow to recede as you take time to register what just happened. And when you do, to your utter shock, you felt good. It was like a weight you’d been holding on to for a lifetime was thrown across the universe, never to be felt again. You felt good, giving Jennie everything you know she was long overdue for. You don’t know what the next step is going to possibly be for both of you, if she finds it within herself to apologize - or not, you don’t really care right now.

For now, you send the group chat a very, very long voice message.

After which you took a fat nap because lashing out at lifelong friends was exhausting.

***

You barely see Jennie in the next few weeks. Occasional passes in the kitchen to which she turns around and walks right back out when she sees you there. Not a word is spoken between you, and you know she’s uncomfortable.

You, however, are completely fine. Really, you didn’t care at all, which was surprising to both you and your friends. You lived as you did; worked, read, hung out with your friends, everything as usual. The only difference was that there was less Jennie around, and despite the very gaping hole in your routine, you didn’t feel incomplete or empty.

Both Alyssa and Joshua demanded a play-by-play recap of the entire thing, the same night you had woken up from your nap to a bombarding of messages in the group chat. You’d met them that night and given them what they asked for, and they were surprised to find you fairly nonchalant.

Neither you nor your friends were too sure what these few weeks of silence meant, at least in terms of what was going on in her head. If you didn’t know better, you’d be back to normal already, because you would’ve approached her with an apology or a neutral consensus. To which you would’ve received a half-assed sorry in return, right before she went back to her usual antics. She’s waiting for you to break the silence because she still thinks this is something she can brush over. Jennie, as smart as she is, will soon realize she’s gravely mistaken and that you weren’t folding anytime soon.

“I think you should move out,�� Alyssa says, poking at a piece of chicken in her overpriced rice bowl. “I would’ve had you gone the day it happened, honestly”

It wasn’t a thought you hadn’t considered, but you were giving it time to marinate.

“If there’s anyone moving out, it’s her. It’s my name on the lease, I’m not giving up that place” You grumble.

She sighs in response, glitter in her eyes as she puts her chin in both hands on the table.

“They grow up so fast. If someone told me, you’d even fathom kicking Jennie out of the apartment I would’ve sent them on their way with prayers and a hospital business card”

You snort in response, “I’ll bring it up to her the next time I see her. God knows where she is more than half the time”

“I saw her sitting with Soonyoung’s friends outside the tennis court yesterday. And she was, studying in the library the week before. Thought she hated the entire lot of his friends, it’s funny how she’s changed her mind”

You took Alyssa’s advice and had gone home to knock on Jennie’s bedroom door.

“Can we talk in the living room” You had asked plainly.

She was quiet other than a “yeah, sure” as she followed you to the couch.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to move out. I don’t think it’s best for us to be in each other’s spaces right now, and it’s my name on the lease so it’s easier on both of us if you find another apartment.” The words were coming out blunt, wanting nothing but to be over this.

She looks a little taken aback. “What?”

“You can take your time, obviously. But don’t bother paying for this month if you end up moving sooner.”

“Is that it?”

“Yeah”

“Cool”

She gets up and leaves, exhaling louder than usual in what you think may be a frustrated sigh. You move over it though; you did what you had to do.

***

When the receptionist tells you there’s someone waiting for you, you think its Joshua picking you up from your T.A. job to go pick up lunch. You wonder why he didn’t just text you, but you grab your purse and leave nonetheless, excited for a break. What you don’t expect is, no waiting Joshua but a Kwon Soonyoung who’s waving you down as he sees you come out.

“Hey”

“Hi” you reply awkwardly, waiting for an explanation for the visit.

“I know this is really random but, can we talk? It’s about Jennie”

So here you are, at a cafe close to your department, sitting across from Soonyoung who’s beginning to give you context.

“I heard a lot of what happened that day you guys fought, it sounded pretty serious and I didn’t mean to walk in on you guys like that but I was so hungover I wasn’t thinking straight” He looks like he’s cringing at the memory, playing with the rings on his finger. You count a plethora of earrings adorning his ears too, never noticing how many piercings he had before this.

“She reassured me it was a common occurrence you both would be fine in the morning - a couple days max.” He glances up at you before stirring his drink with his straw, “That didn’t happen, obviously. She won’t tell me the entirety of the problem but I know that whatever it is, it’s pretty big.”

He’s silent for a moment while he tries to formulate his next words, he’s being careful about what he says.

“She told me that you asked her to move out, which I get, totally. But she was pretty upset because she thought you were going to apologize”

You pause mid-sip before looking up at him, “She thought what?”

“That- you were going to apologize. Listen, I don’t know what happened, I don’t know who’s in the wrong it could be the both of you or it could be neither, but that isn’t the point. All I’m here to ask you is to please try to talk to her. She’s refusing to listen to me and she won’t tell me what going on either. Her mood is all over the place, it’s affecting the people around her. She doesn’t know how to deal with the situation other than responding to everything with abrasion, and I think that’s only going to stop if whatever’s going on between you is solved”

He finishes with a sigh. You take a good look at him and conclude that he’s probably tired of his girlfriend’s antics and is desperate for a way to help himself. He probably feels a little guilty too, like he’s trying to change her

You weigh your options within 10 seconds; should you tell him or not? There’s a snitch inside of you that’s aching to ruin whatever relationship Jennie had with the man in front of you because, in a way, that very relationship was what lead to the downfall of your friendship. You’re quick to slap that thought away, this was all Jennie’s fault, not his. Unless he was feeding her with lies too, you found no reason to hold any grudges against this man. A cruel part of you quips that he may be a poor, tortured soul too, forced into her clutches. You don’t doubt that she may be lying to him about multiple things too, but you can’t assume.

Regardless, seeing Soonyoung this tame? Calm? Not surrounded by people? Was a little strange for you. He was quite the campus socialite, what you would describe as fuckboy behaviour, except he was in a committed relationship and generally quite respectful from what you’ve seen. It might be because you’ve mainly only ever seen him under alcoholic influence that’s made this image of a loud, party animal in your head. He was friendly enough, there was no reason for people to not wanna be his friend.

Deciding to not be a menace, you don’t tell him the details about what happened. Never trusting Jennie’s storytelling skills, you can’t be sure what she’s told him or will tell him in the future, and you want to know what timeline she lays out for all of this. It wouldn’t be long, while you were picky with what people you told your problems about, Jennie was an open book.

“Soonyoung, listen. I’ve known Jennie almost my entire life, and every conversation I’ve had with her takes us nowhere but back to square one. You can do the math on that, but I think, after so long, it’s fair for me to feel tired of being the person taking the initiative all the time. I understand how you feel because I know Jennie, but I’m sorry, I won’t be the one bringing up this conversation with her”

His shoulders slump a little, his expression slightly defeated.

“It’s that bad?” He asks quietly, voice strained.

You nod slightly, grimacing.

“Not that I think you’re gonna tell me, but, what did happen between you two? I just heard the screaming bits, but they didn’t really give anything away.” Before you can reply he’s quick to add, “I don’t want you to think I’m asking because I want tea or whatever, I just, want context so I can maybe help her”

You feel bad for him, because he genuinely sounds so helpless, and you consider maybe telling him. Before you can backtrack, he’s looking up at you with swimming eyes. You’re heart stops for a second, watching him as you realize he’s unraveling, just like you were not too long ago. And for seemingly the same reasons too. There’s a tug in your heart as you realize you pity him, and he’s probably sick of being left in the dark and yet having to deal with the unsolicited side effects.

And that’s when you do another thing in the past month that is so unlike yourself, you told Soonyoung everything.

The conversation had gone fine, he listened to you as you spoke, telling him about context and conversations that ultimately lead to your fallout.

He had reassured you he had no idea about how his presence was indirectly affecting your friendship, and you were solid to voice that he had nothing to worry about if he hadn’t done anything to purposefully pull her away.

Everything he said, you took with a grain of salt. He was still Jennie’s boyfriend and could be convincing himself that you’re lying for all you know. There was no blame coming onto him for being on his girlfriend’s side. An instinctual, observant part of you was telling you that he didn’t think you were entirely wrong.

You weren’t worried though, Jennie could tell him whatever she wanted, but you already told your truth. No matter who he chose to believe, he’d figure out what the problems were eventually. Just like you did.

Soonyoung had insisted to pay for your coffee in return for taking up your time and allowing you both to leave not too long after wrapping up your brief feelings about the situation.

You don’t think too much of his limited response, it’s a lot to dump on him about his girlfriend, from her supposed best friend. But once again, you’re beyond the point of caring anymore.

***

“Nice, nice!” You hear Seungkwan yell as you send the ball back over to his side. Never really interested in the sport, you had allowed him to rope you in for a first experience on the volleyball court.

“To blow off some steam,” he said.

He was informed about the fight you and Jennie had, not that he knew the details, nor did he pry too much. Noting that you were becoming slightly more agitated as the days passed, he decided to force you, Alyssa, and Joshua, to the court to help you sweat some of the frustration off.

Joshua and Seungkwan were fine, better than fine seeing as they were both actually on the university’s team. You and Alyssa got by, learning the ropes as you go and trying not to break a finger or a nail. Or a nose, for that matter, considering the velocity of some of the serves Seungkwan was sending to your side of the court.

“Pretend your Miya Atsumu or something, just slam as hard as you can”

You were trying, but you don’t think he fully understood that you could be pooped only 40 minutes in.

“Look at you, Y/n, skin glowing, hair flowing. I told you this would be good for you”

That glow was sweat, and that flow was more so a euphemism for the bird’s nest that had become of your hair, looking overall disheveled and doubled over, trying to catch your breath.

You snap your head up to give Seungkwan a look of disbelief across the court, prompting all three of them to laugh at the irony.

But you had to admit, the past month and a half’s worth of slight irritants were slowly getting to you, and you needed some good physical activity and quality time to get back on track. Jennie still hadn’t moved out, telling you she needed more time to look for apartments. There was a nagging feeling in the back of your mind that told you she hadn’t looked for anything at all.

You didn’t see Soonyoung after that day at the cafe a few days ago, not expecting to hear so soon from him either.

What you also weren’t expecting was Jennie to barge into the volleyball court, stomping her way over to you.

It takes a moment for you to react, seeing her come at you with such belligerence, heck just the fact this was her most intense interaction within a month and a half was a little more than just offputting.

“You”

She’s talking to me?

Jennie confirms that yes, you, meant you in specific as she bring an angry finger pointed at you in accusation, as she slams her feet across the court to where you are.

You realize too late that her other raised arm was in an effort to land on you too, physically this time.

You’re lucky you have friends with less dusty processing chips when you see Alyssa grab her arm to stop her from doing something rash. You still haven’t moved a muscle.

Jennie shoves Alyssa off, gaze never leaving yours.

“You’ve got balls coming for me when you’ve been prancing around arm in arm with my boyfriend?”

“What are you-”

“My turn to say, ‘did you think I wasn’t gonna find out?’”, she says, smiling in mock pleasantness. “Little birdie told me you’ve been meeting up with him for weeks behind my back. Fucking him? Touching him? What belongs to me? And he fessed up to all of it so don’t even try acting all innocent you swine-”

“Jennie, that’s enough” Joshua’s voice comes from behind.

Your start talking before she can retort him with another ghastly insult.

“Nice to know you’re believing whatever comes out of anyone’s mouth just to victimize yourself, again”

She might as well have slapped you with the look she gives you.

“Believe whatever you want Jennie, I spoke to Soonyoung once during this entire thing and it was the bleakest conversation I’ve ever had”

“Care to explain the pictures I have of you both going on fucking coffee dates?” She’s borderline screeching in your ear at this point.

You can’t tell if she’s bluffing.

“Back to that one conversation I had with him. Lasted maybe 20 minutes over a coffee neither of us finished. So if your done deluding yourself into thinking the world has it in for you because your just that precious, wake the fuck up. You’re not special, nobody’s trying to steal your man, fucking keep him”

Your voice is quiet and calm, but there’s an edge you willingly bring into your words. You want her gone for real now.

She huffs again before stalking back out, and into the arms of another girl, Minji, you recognize from the pictures. This girl you’ve never spoken to before turns around to throw you the nastiest glare before ushering both of them out.

The aftermath of that included another serve session where you actually did slam the balls as hard as you could, Seungkwan was right, you did still have some unguided juice left.

Speaking of Seungkwan, you spared the poor boy’s confusion by finally giving him the details he’d been holding back from asking. His reactions lightened your mood though, the comments and the expressions. You guessed this was you trusting him now.

That was 5 people who knew about the fiasco, Minji too by the looks of it, so make that 6. More, if Jennie had decided to tell more people.

But what was on your mind, as you yourself was about to make a stalking entrance into another venue, was whatever the fuck Soonyoung told Jennie for it to have a repercussion like this.

You were angry at yourself for telling him everything, thinking that it was what had caused another problem to arise.

When you walk past the empty floor of the dance studios to open any one that wasn’t locked, you were lucky to find Soonyoung alone in one of them, dancing to some low tone rap blaring from the speakers. He notices you immediately, moving to stop the music and acknowledge your presence.

“What did you tell Jennie?” You ask him clearly.

“Could ask you the same thing” His face is stoic, he’s not very happy at all you notice.

“What?”

“Meeting at your place when she’s not there? Seriously, Y/n? Why are you roping me into your bullshit, when did I ever hang out with you alone before last week?!”

“Are you saying I told Jennie that?”

“Apparently! Because she broke up with me thinking I’ve been cheating on her this entire time. With you!” He announces loudly.

You realize what’s happening immediately, Jennie was trying to fix the mess she’d put herself in. By lying.

“Really? Because she’s told me that you admitted to meeting me all the time too.” You deadpan, hoping he’d realize you’d both been lied to.

“I never said that” he says, face contorted to incredulousness.

“That’s what I was told, though”

“You two best friends are the same, this entire fucking time I’ve been around you it’s been misery and problems and bullshit I’ve never asked for” He bellows, turning around, massaging his temples like he has a headache.

“You think I actually said that? Are you not seeing the problem here? We’ve both been lied to, Soonyoung” You move closer to him, like the proximity would help him absorb the point that’s flying way over his head in the midst of his anger.

“Oh please, cut the shit, I’ve had it! You both have a manipulating problem you need to fix. You’re not special, wake up.” He’s screaming in your face now, a raging monologue ripping.

Those three words, the same ones you said to Jennie not even an hour ago, were spat back at your own face. And with what it entailed for you, you acted before you could think.

The slap you sent across Kwon Soonyoung’s face sent a reverberating sound across the dance studio.

He looks up, eyes bloodshot and swimming with fury. There’s a hint of a smile on his face for some reason, which you realize may be out of disbelief.

You don’t register anything else other than the rage that accelerates down your own veins. There’s a part of you that wants to do it again when he utters his next words.

“That was a bad fucking idea”

“Was it? I could tell you the same thing. You’re stupid enough to be manipulated again by the same manipulator you just left behind, that’s pathetic Soonyoung”

It’s beyond you why you’re having to explain all if this to him like a child.

“Was anything I told you that day make its way into your head? At all? The reason this entire situation with her and I even happened was because of Jennie and her lies. The way she twists the truth and pits people against each other for the sake of looking like the innocent one. Get that through your thick skull before you start throwing accusations around. If we both can understand that she lied about what you said, what makes you think anything else that she said was true?”

There’s a heavy feeling in the glares you’re sending each other. Neither of you are okay, both of you betrayed. He’s breathing heavily but his face is less contorted. He’s evaluating. He’s finding reason in your words.

You back down from this emotional staring contest first, tired of being angry about something regarding Jennie - again.

“I’m sorry about hitting you like that, you just- you said something else that kinda triggered me, but I shouldn’t have reacted that way”

“It’s whatever I guess” He grumbled in response.

“I hope you’ll think about what I’ve said. We’re both pretty upset right now, I think we need to give it some time” You were taking a leaf out Joshua’s book and giving yourselves time to diffuse.

“Yeah, okay that’s fine”

And with that you turn around to leave him standing in the middle of the empty studio, with another plethora of thoughts at his front door.

***

The next time you see Soonyoung is when you invite him over to your place for the first time, knowing the connotations that could bring with recent progressions. But it needed to be done. As much as you would’ve rather spoken from a distance that’s brought with public seating, it was another risk of another angry barge in. You both had had enough of those.

Besides, Jennie was quick to move out after the last altercation, realizing finally that you weren’t about to back down to any moves she tries to make. No word from her since. It felt like eternal peace at last.

As much as you wished you could leave everything that happened between you and Soonyoung behind, there was too much sensitive content that was aired for it to rendered resolved from that last angry face off in the studio. So you decided the safety of your home was the best bet you had for privacy to do what needed to be done.

You also decided dinner wouldn’t hurt, you made a mean pesto salad, everybody likes pesto. And pasta for that matter. The kimchi fried rice along with it would be a weird combo but you decided to throw it on the table anyway, everybody likes rice too.

You were briefly wondering if this was okay for a dancer to eat, you’d heard about carbs being problematic for high tension sport or whatever - was dance a sport? It has to be with the amount these people have to move-

You're cut off by the sharp sound of your front door ringing. No going back now, you opened the door to let Soonyoung in.

“Can I get you anything to drink?”

“No, no, I’m okay, thanks” he says as he seats himself on the couch.

The silence is awkward as it fills the rooms, neither of you knowing how to approach the topic without sounding too head on.

You brought him here, so you decide to break the ice first.

“What’re you’re thoughts about, that, now?” You start meekly, trying to make it sound as less abrasive as you can.

“I mean, I had time to think about it, obviously. And I had to really sit back and rethink our entire relationship and I’m a little put off by how I didn’t figure out what was happening myself. There were, so many signs, so many red flags.”

He’s rubbing his face with his hands,you notice a little silver ring on his pinky finger. “None of my friends liked her, I don’t know if you knew. They wouldn’t mention anything about it in front of you ever, for obvious reasons”

You recall Joshua telling you the same thing, the night before the big fight.

“I couldn’t understand why they were so hostile towards her but- but I see it now. I know love can be blinding sometimes but, this really was another level” He lets out a sad laugh.

“But yeah, another one of my friends told me Jennie’s been going around telling people variations of the same cheating story to everyone. None of them are matching the other, I doubt she even remembers what she’s said or who she’s said it to”

He looks up at you when he says that, in acknowledgment of what you’ve been trying to tell him this entire time.

“But after everything that’s happened, I think I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for lashing out at you when the truth was right there. That slap was deserved.” He smiles a little at the end.

“It’s alright, but I totally got why you’d believe Jennie though. She’s - was - your girlfriend, her words are bound to be more credible than mine. I just didn’t think it’d go this far. And please don’t say what I did was deserved, we’re not animals I don’t know why I let my frustrations out that way.” You were speaking the truth, under the hope that he too was also not lying to you.

“I don’t think this’ll be the end of it though. I doubt she’s going to stop lying to everyone about what happened anytime soon. If this keeps up…” He trails off a little.

His reputation was a lot more prominent than yours, and everything that was supporting it may be going into flames right in front of him.

“I’m scared her crap is gonna reach management or something and that’s when it gets even more problematic. Stuff like this always snowballs and…” He’s trailing off again.

“It’s okay, nothing’s coming out from this space” you attempt to reassure him.

He chews on his lip for a minute, elbows on knees, “I know from experiences lesser than this that have roped me into trouble, whether I was at fault or not, that it’s going to affect me somehow. This is a lot bigger, and knowing that this is going to escalate as more people talk, I’m scared I’m gonna get a call”

“Like, they’re not gonna kick you out of the dance team for some rumor, right?”

His hat is off as he runs a hand through his dark locks, “They could, we compete at a professional level. And rep counts. I’m pretty involved with the team with kind of everything, that can’t look good if I’m an apparent asshole”

There’s a very defeated look on his face, a prospect of his entire future possibly falling apart. You realize how deep this goes for him, and how this might affect for years to come. All for a rumor somebody he trusted made about him to save their own ass.

Considering your positions, you may be the only person who can understand his predicament.

“And if they try to push me about something, they might bother you too. You have a T.A job, right?”

You hadn’t even thought about your own job, you were quite dependent on it and with an entire apartment’s worth of rent now heavy on your pockets, you couldn’t afford to lose this job.

Your head was racing with that realization, but you could only manage a small “Oh”.

“What do you think we should do?” you ask dumbly, not having any ideas of your own. This was going beyond what you wanted to happen, this was supposed to end at two people.

“I have no idea” He’s agitated, you can tell because he’s been moving and shifting so much. He’s throwing his head right now, eyes closed, heel tapping on the floor. He reigns himself back in and opens his eyes, reluctantly it feels like.

“Our best bet right now is to trust that people won’t listen to her, majority of our friends dislike her, but I can’t be sure other people feel the same. I have hope that our friends will exercise common sense, and irrational dislike I guess, and not take her word for things”

“No, you’re right. Other people are gonna believe her in a heartbeat I’ve seen how people are when it comes to her” You’re picking at the skin of your palms as you speak, mind trailing to the plethora of people who would try to get to Jennie through you.

“Maybe get to them first. Maybe not management but, people on the team who could vouch for you if need be. But I don’t think you need to do that for them to believe you, people only have nice things to say about you, and with the general off-ness around Jennie I do think they’ll believe you” You voice your thoughts, dry mouthed but trying to sound supportive.

“I mean, I hope it doesn’t get to that point. It really shouldn’t, anyway.” You quip once more.

He’s listening to you, nodding his head but his expression tells you that he’s far away. The last thing you want is for him to start spiraling so you suggest the first possible solution that pops in your head.

“Do you want a drink?”

Some would say that was a bad idea, considering his very popular tendency for not being able to hold his liquor. But you had your reasons and it paid off after a couple wines.

It was a weird spread on the table, leftover fried rice and a pesto salad you’d made earlier, add to the cheap supermarket wine you were drinking in water glasses, you look like you were in some relatable Netflix show.

Whatever the predicament was, you weren’t complaining because you’d both had your nerves calmed and stomachs fed. The conversation following was light and friendlier than any conversation you remember ever having with him. He spoke in more detail about his dance stuff, how comp season came back with a win for them, how his teammates are his best friends.

He tended to start talking like a child when he was tipsy, to be fair that could just be the passion coming out in that way, but it was endearing regardless.

He asked about your T.A. job and realized he might have you for next semester, “if I remember my semester plan right”.

“That’s great! You can help me; I suck at stuff like that” he grumbled as you reassured him he’d be in safe hands with the professor alone. You were just extra help.

“Oh, I did that module in my first year!” you exclaim, as he spoke about another horrible midterm that was coming up for him. “I could help you with it if you want. Pretty sure I have my notes stashed somewhere”

“Did you have Professor Choi, too?”

“Yes! I did. You need to read the textbook more than the lecture slides when it comes to her, her tests are impossible without it”

“No wonder, that earlier test was talking about shit I’d never seen before”

You had gone to bed that night feeling so much lighter regarding the whole matter. It felt good to have Soonyoung who was willing to be on your side for this. Of course, your friends would always be with you and they still were, but having someone who’s going through the same thing as you sets it apart. You go to sleep that night feeling grateful for whatever help the universe was giving you.

***

Something in the air had shifted that night and you found yourself in Soonyoung’s company more than you had initially planned. You were sitting at a barbecue place with your friends, Soonyoung was there too.

He’s had a little too much to drink, again, as he leans on Mingyu’s chest after crying his heart out to some song that ignited a sentimental fire in him. It’s all good not even five minutes later as he’s back to standing on his chair to make a toast to every last person on the table.

“Seungkwan!” he’s tearing up a little now, “I fucking love you, man”

Sengkwan’s trying to humor him, a little grimace on his face at his obvious wasted state. He’s joking though. Mostly.

“I wanna be your ball boy for life, throw all the fucking balls you want at me I’ll pick all of them up for you. I want you to judge all my choreos for the rest of my life. I don’t got a girl to do that for me anymore” Everybody on the table erupts into laughter, Soonyoung included. They were all well informed on Jennie’s antics at this point and had enough choice words dedicated in her memory.

“Joshi!”

“Hoshi!” Joshua exclaims back.

“I’d date you if I was a girl, but I’m not, and that sucks, but it’s fine, I’m more than happy to be your friend”

Mingyu’s tugging him to sit down at this point, his voice getting noticeably louder by the second. He throws his head back as he swallows the shot in hand in honor of Joshua, and you take sip of your own drink.

“Y/n!” He screams when he’s done. You can’t imagine what he could possibly have to say about you.

“Life fucking sucks” He deadpans, and you can’t help but quip.

“Hear, hear!”

Another eruption of chortles from the group.

“But you handle it beautifully, which is something you've taught me better than anyone. I’d let you slap me again if I was being a dumb bitch, if only you’d let me be a sassy asshole in return”

He’s making no sense, no doubt muddled in his thoughts. Everybody drinks to that regardless, and you watch as he throws his own head back only to sputter violently as he comes round.

Mingyu had replaced his shot with water.

***

Alyssa had crashed at your place that night and said multiple things you would like to owe to her drunken stupor.

One particular instance was when she was trying to glue back the lamp she’d bumped into and shattered. It was futile, but she was wasted enough to convince herself it was as easy to fix as impromptu Tetris.

You let her be, opting to stare at the ceiling lying next to her on the floor.

“Do you think you could date Soonyoung” she mumbles, fiddling with a piece of plastic.

You were only slightly tipsy, but your reaction was still quite lukewarm considering the outburst you’d have had if she said it on any other day.

“It’s kinda complicated isn’t it. Imagine we do and everyone goes, ‘oh, we knew it they were in it for each other all along’” you’re waving your hands in the air as you say it, giggling at your own impersonation. “It’s not happening though. Man obviously has a type and I’m no Jennie”

“You did not just insinuate Jennie was prettier than you” Alyssa has her violent, confused and outraged expression on as she drops the pieces in her hand for dramatic effect.

“I mean she definitely carries herself better, charm is important” you say.

“Honey, please, anyone with a personality like that is immediately classified ugly as fuck” She retorts, her face contorting into more outrageous expressions she’d never be able to pull sober.

“Whatever, that’s not the point. I don’t like the guy anyway, can you imagine trying to handle all that after every drunk night?”

She ponders for a minute before adding slightly, “But he’s… he’s cute though. Hamster type”

You shift to face her directly and ask her the inevitable question, “Alyssa, do you like Soonyoung?”

“NO! Geez no, you may be ballsy enough to get on Jennie’s nasty side but I’m not, I’m not coming near her pieces. Besides, that cutie from my cultural psych class is onto me, I can feel it. His name’s Jeonghan, I might slip him my insta if he doesn’t do it within the next week” She’s smiling and tilting her head as she speaks about the boy from her class.

“Find me a couple cute ones too. Can’t be spending the rest of my life alone, can I?” You blow out, a little annoyed at your lack of action.

“Oh, you’ll be fine. Although, you should think about Soonyoung a little bit, keep the option open.” She notes the way your face changes, “I mean keep him last resort too, I guess, I don’t know, you’d be cute together”

“I’m not gonna go and date my best-” you stop yourself before you can refer to Jennie as your best friend,”- just no, it’s going to be weird I don’t wanna be known as someone who steals other people’s bitches”

“But you’re not stealing him? You never did. You barely spoke to him while he was dating that woman and you’re both more than detached from her now. Do whatever the fuck you want, you’re adults. Besides, people know about what happened, they’re on both your sides more than ever”

You think about what she says, she’s right, but that doesn’t matter in the end. Because you didn’t like Soonyoung like that. No point justifying a relationship that’s never going to happen.

You’re distracted from your pondering as the (incorrectly) glued masterpiece Alyssa was trying to build back falls apart once more, like it did not even an hour ago.

***

Squeaky shoes against the floors are still audible despite the roaring coming from the speaker. The last time you were in here, you’d left only after leaving a reasonably red handprint on the cheek of the person dancing in front of you.

You were dragged here by Seungkwan, claiming he didn’t want to sit though hours of choreography rectification with Soonyoung alone. Nothing better to do, you chose to grace yourself out of your rat hole and accompany him.

You had learned the dance by now.

Turn, hand out, drop down and twist the torso…

He’s monitoring himself in the mirror with an intensity that’s intimidating you even while seated away from his line of sight. Right in front of the mirrors with Seungkwan but his attention only moves when he’s done with the set.

“How about now?” He pants out between gulps of air as he pauses the music.

“The music’s really pang pang you know, but like, you’re general movement is too much like” Seungkwan’s trying to explain his vision but is losing his words.

“It’s a little too flowy for the music” you say, chin in hand trying to absorb what he’s trying to say.

He claps his hands and points, “Flowy, that’s what”

“There’s a lot of dramatic moves, maybe that’s why it feels that way? Tone down the drops and turns, maybe?” You add, trying to be more helpful than just throwing out a criticism.

He’s making familiar movements in the mirror listening to your words.

“Yeah, that makes sense” He responds, “How’s this instead of this drop in the beginning?”

He asks and Seungkwan gets up to help with some movements of his own.

You watch them from your position on the floor, giggling at failed attempts and ‘woah’’s emitted from mildly impressive suggestions. Seungkwan pretends to be annoyed at these sessions but his effort to help is proving him otherwise.

Hoshi’s wearing something outside of his trendy jeans and shoes as he opts for the sweats and zip up look. He needs to be comfortable you guess, but there’s a part of you that wants to ask him where he got his pants from. They look good on him.

After a couple hours, another group of people from the team walk in for their allocated time with the studio so all three of you are forced out of your creative stride.

“They should get more studios I hate overenthusiastic juniors who do nothing but fool around for 3 hours” Soonyoung is mumbling in protest as you walk to the nearest convenience store for an odd time snack.

“Shouldn't somebody moderate them, then? Coach, captain, whoever” You ask as you rummage around the old freezer to find the ice cream you’re looking for.

“That’s not fair on the other juniors then, is it? They all work hard, there’s just a couple who think they’re on a constant field trip” He huffs, swatting your hand away and burrows for whatever it is that you can’t find. He comes up with a crushed pack, left desolate at the bottom of the freezer.

“No, it has nuts in it” you complain, “That was at the bottom too, shit’s prolly been in there since the ice age”

He huffs before trudging to find someone who could help with your ice cream predicament.

Seungkwan pops up behind you, arms full of instant ramen and sausages, as he starts rummaging through the freezer as well. He drops one of his sausage packets into the mango lollies and lets out a cry.

“They’re not here, Soonyoung went to ask” you say as he picks up a basket from behind him and dumps his load into it.

“These people have crutches and walking sticks at the ready but can’t ever stock up on their ice cream. It’s a university campus for the love of God, what student’s looking for crutches at midnight!?” He complains loudly.

Soonyoung is back from his heist at this point and brings the tragic news that they’re out of what you’re looking for. Both of you let out a solemn sound of disappointment and you opt for the creamsicle sitting on top of the pile instead. It’ll have to do.

You’re done with your ice cream before you dig into the bowl of ramen Seungkwan had very nicely made for you. You were getting princess treatment from everyone today, having the both of them run around as your personal errand boys. That doesn’t last for too long when Seungkwan barks at you to go get him a soda. You can’t complain when he mumbles about all the stuff he’s done for you.

The weather was nice outside, slightly cool but enough for you to enjoy your cheap thrills on the plastic set up outside the store. By the time you come back out, Seungkwan’s informing you that Alyssa and Joshua were coming here too, to which you set his coke down only to run back inside and get them stuff they’d like.

Alyssa is sniffling and wet faced as she sets herself next to you. You don’t notice until you see Joshua’s cautious eyes widening, trying to get you to acknowledge her sorrows.

You’re setting your feet down from their folded position once you do actually see the tear stains.

“What the fuck happened? Are you okay?”

“I slipped Jeonghan my IG today…” She starts before taking a shaky breath.

Your stomach plummets in dread for what she might say next.

“He gave it back to me”

There it is.

“What do you mean he gave it back? Are you sure he didn’t think you dropped it?” You try to salvage the situation,

“NO!” She yells finally, tears now actively streaming down her face, “He read it. He read the fucking chit and gave it back to me like it was a piece of trash”

“That can’t be right, he likes you!” Soonyoung surprisingly adds. How did he know that?

“How do you know?” She says, “You sit like 4 rows ahead, how would you know?”

They were in the same class?

“Because I overheard him talking to his friends. I swear I did; he was talking about wanting to ask you out” He insists, he’s even dropped his chopsticks.

“Why would he give the note back then?” She asks, her voice suddenly small.

“How exactly did you give him the note?” Seungkwan asks.

“I crumpled it and kind of dropped it in his general area…?” She states cautiously.

You groan internally.

“Crumpled it? Seriously? Of course he was going to think it was trash who crumples it and then throws it on the floor?” You exasperate, not understanding how she thought it was a good idea.

“BUT-but, it’s embarrassing if I just hand him a note.” She grumbles at your outburst.

“Babe, you want him or nah?” Seungkwan deadpans, looking done with the whole situation.

“Yes? If it wasn’t obvious already-”

“You don’t want him bad enough” He declares and proceeds to shove the ice cream filled plastic spoon into his mouth, like it was nothing.

Alyssa stands up in an emotional rage, “What the fuck does that mean? I’m literally having an emotional meltdown over this guy and you’re telling me I don’t want him bad enough?”

The situation is honestly a little comical, with Alyssa’s tear stained, incredulous face as opposed to Seungkwan’s apparent nonchalance. You’re biting back a snort, but keep it in for your best friend’s sake. You’re understanding Seungkwan’s strategy, and you know it’s bound to work.

“Prove it then. Go up to him and tell him next week, after class. If you can, obviously, unless you’re too embarrassed”

“Fine!” She exclaims, “I’ll ask him out next Monday, and you owe me dinner if I do”

Seungkwan, sits up straight to put his hand on his heart in a solemn oath, “I, Boo Seungkwan, swear to you that I will buy you dinner if you can ask Jeonghan from your class out on a date”

“Your heart’s on the other side, dumbass” It’s Hoshi that quips that sentence to which Seungkwan proceeds to project his empty ice cream cup at him, only for it to land in his unfinished ramen.

***

“Do I mention skewness?” Hoshi asks you, looking up from his laptop and notes.

“Um, did you take out a z score?”

“Yeah, I did but does it apply here?”

“Can I see the sheet again?”

You’re sitting in the library helping Soonyoung with his coursework like you promised, piles of sheets and strewn pens decorate the table in the library as you help him do his work while you finished up some stuff of your own.

He had a final report due in 4 hours, not realizing it existed until this morning when one of his classmates texted him asking for help.

The frenzy he had called you in was enough to have you snapped back to attention from your deep sleep. The clock read 8 AM and you could’ve punched him through the phone as you registered his impeccable timing. But alas, you brushed your teeth and threw on your rattiest hoodie before trudging down to campus to help your damsel in distress.

It was only an introductory class, which may have been his saving grace. It was easy enough after an hour of explaining. You stayed after the fact, the anxiety he’s imbedded this morning had stuck with you, and you doubt you’d be calm until he actually makes his submission.

You’re catching up on notes as he types away, occasionally asking you a stray question to which you oblige.

This was a new feeling for you, not getting annoyed when somebody interrupts your focus. Every question he asked was met with you setting your devices aside and pulling in his own. You were helping him with more diligence than you’d do your own work.

You put it down to finally having someone who actually wanted to do work and not because they were spending time with you as an ulterior motive. Your timings would never match with Alyssa or Joshua or any of your friends too often, clashes were a story known all too well. Maybe it was the idea that Soonyoung was trusting you so much to help him for an ill choiced elective. You’d ponder over your lapse in usual behavior another time, you needed to figure out what to do with Soonyoung’s outliers first.

Soonyoung had walked out of that library and promptly fell to his knees at the end of the steps, arms in the air as he cried out in triumph.

“Oh, OXYGEN!”

You’re slower to clamber down the winding steps, snorting at his proclamation.

“I’m never doing that again” he huffs out, still looking relieved at the stars in the sky.

You pull him up from the sidewalk before he continues to embarrass the both of you; “Come on, you scholar, let’s get some food in your system.

He’s quick to jog up to you at the mention of food, having been running on coffee and adrenaline all day.

“And we’ll just have water with that” You confirm to the waitress, you both have enough caffeine in your system, and you don’t want to find out what happens when you add alcohol to the mix.

Soonyoung’s gone stagnant after the initial rush of freedom as he spaces out while you order. His face is enough indication of his exhaustion, shoulders slouched as he looks two seconds away from being slumped over on the greasy table. You want to run your hands through his hair, maybe let him get 20 minutes of shut eye as you wait for your food.

You’re not sure where you were in your train of thought as you realize there’s been a grave interference in your usual behavior; the second one you’ve realized today. You’re not sure why you could feel his head on your shoulder so vividly or feel his hair between your fingers like they were already planted there, threading through them, relaxing his scalp.

The sound of your drinks and plates being placed in front of snaps both you and Soonyoung out of your daze, a little embarrassed as you mumble out a “Thank you”

“If you’re going to talk to me, please make it utter garbage, I don’t wanna hear a single logical thing for at least a week” He announces before rubbing his face in his hands.

“Sleepy, huh?”

“After all that coffee? Fuck, no” He states, “I’m just mentally exhausted. I don’t like using my head too much”

You snort into your water as he says it; his face wasn’t helping, still looking utterly done with life.

“Where’s the goddamn food I’m hungry” He sticks a single chopstick into the pickled radish before solemnly sticking it into his mouth.

“You survived 6 hours; you can do with another couple minutes”

“What did I say about logic”

“Sorry” You laugh out as you watch the eyes roll to the back of his head.

Your eye catches the bottles of condiments on the end of the table next to the napkins and brochures.

“Were you shocked when you found out ketchup’s made with vinegar?”

“Ketchup’s made with vinegar?”

“Yeah, apparently”

“That’s icky” He concludes, brows still furrowed in disdain.

“Did you know there’s no blood in blood oranges?” He deadpans and you almost bust a blood vessel trying not to laugh. It was a horrible joke, if you could even classify it as one, but his delivery did it for you. Blank face, serious tone, disheveled aura.

You conclude that you’re both beyond exhausted and subsequently thank the universe for the food that finally rolls out on your table. It doesn’t take you long to wipe all your plates clean, minimal words being spoken as you work towards your goal of chewing and swallowing.

You leave the slowly crowding restaurant right before peak hours, suggesting a walk next to the river to clear your minds even further.

You know you should go home by now, but you don’t want the night to end. Besides, Soonyoung was quick to agree, wanting to walk off the overeating.

“I’m not sure how distasteful it is for me to bring this up, especially right after dinner” Soonyoung starts. He’s looking straight ahead as he walks next to you, expression casual. “But the more I hang out with you, the more I realize how you’re nothing like Jennie”

You knew that, but you want him to elaborate, “What makes you say that?”

“Like, personality wise. It’s hard to believe you were such good friends for so long despite being so different”

You’re nodding your head as you listen to him talk. A strange feeling of melancholy settles in your chest, and it weighs heavy on your heart.

“I guess, it’s different when you’ve known someone for so long” You respond to his observation. “Think of your own sister. I bet you wanna bury her 6 feet deep sometimes, she’s probably fucked up more times than you could possibly recount”

You’ve led him to sit on a bench overlooking the river, the streetlights’ reflection casting a glow on the water making it look less insidious.

“But…no matter how bad she fucks up. Your sister is you sister.”

“You really loved her, didn’t you?” He asks you the obvious question, but one that makes you wonder why it pierced you the way it did. He looks over to you, slumped down on the bench so he matches your height while sitting.

“I did. A lot. So did she. It’s just that I just cherished her more than she did me” You sigh, a grimace forming on your face as you voice the thoughts you’ve been keeping to yourself for what seems like your entire life. “I thought it was me being a good friend, but…”

“Recipe for disaster?” He suggests.

“Yeah” You breathe.

“As with any sort of relationship” He adds, he’s still looking at you.

“You know, one of the reasons I felt so betrayed was because I felt used. But when I think about how I clung to her despite everything, it makes me think whether I was using her too. That she was just as much of an instrument to me as I was to her”

“That’s not fair” Soonyoungs voice cuts quick, covered in ice. His face is a mask of apprehension. “That’s not fair to you at all”

“No, it makes me a bit of a hypocrite” The prospect pulls out a laugh from you, a miserable one from a dark part of your soul.

He’s silent for a moment and you watch his face morph into at least five versions of deep thought. His brows are furrowed, nose slightly scrunched, downturned mouth into a suggestion of a pout.

Despite the heaviness in your heart, there’s another warm feeling blooming in your chest as you note how hard he’s working his head to make you feel better about yourself. He could’ve left it with a regular word of comfort, especially after exhausting his cognitive abilities on statistics for the day.

Despite the conflict your own words have brought you, you can’t help but smile at the sight of him. For the second time that day you want to run your fingers through his hair, ease the crease in his brows. Make a joke about how he needs to rest after a day of academic weightlifting.

He speaks before you can pull his hood up to protect his pink ears from the cold.

“Finding solace in friendship isn’t using them, that’s kinda the point, is it not? To expect them to be there for you and have a place in their heart for you. The turnaround is to expect the same back. The problem was how Jennie was giving us the bare minimum, and our mistake was letting her do that. I don’t see any possible reason you could have major fault in this.”

He sits up straight and brings a leg up to rest on the bench, now fully turned to face you.

“Besides, you clinging to her for so long despite everything isn’t something you should beat yourself up about too much. Jennie was probably one of the only constant things in your life, if it was this hard to let go after only knowing her for, like, a year and a half, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must’ve been for you. To let go of that one constant line that’s been with you through everything”

Soonyoung’s words are a breakthrough into the cage of remaining regrets you’d locked away. You were pretending to be okay for so long, and it was in this moment that you realized how not okay you truly were.

“Don’t push yourself to be okay,” It’s like he read your mind, “That’s what Mingyu told me anyway, and I think I’d rather feel the burn than lock it away. It was gonna blow up in my face at some point”

He’s smiling at the mention of his friend, and smiling at you, hoping you’d do the same. You do.

“What burns you on this pleasant night, Kwon Soonyoung?” You ask as you mimic his position, leg on the bench. You place your head on the back support, gazing up at him from there.

He ponders on your question for a minute.

“Jennie knows she’s pretty. She’s confident about it, but it’s also become her fatal flaw.”

You knew that.

“I’m…” He falters, “I don't like using the word, it sounds so conceited, but I guess I’m pretty well known around campus. I knew a lot of people and I guess that, in turn meant that they knew me too. One thing led to another and I was suddenly being called a party animal and whatnot, which is ironic because I cannot hold my liquor at all”

“I’ve noticed”

He giggles at that.

“The point I’m trying to make is that Jennie didn’t like me as much as she liked the idea of me. I think she wanted someone who could match her at a social level. I say this because I heard her this one time talking to you, something about a guy not matching her caliber or whatever”

You remember the conversation immediately, it was at another party where you were telling her about a mutual friend in one of your classes, asking if Jennie was single. She wasn’t, which should’ve been the end of the conversation.

“Kept droning on about how it was hilarious to think she’d let him be seen with her or some shit. I don’t know, I owed it to the alcohol but that should’ve been such a huge warning sign. That’s just one thing, there’s so much more to back this up, but I just hoped it was her way of joking around.

“I never really felt loved during the relationship, more like an accessory for her reputation or whatever it was that she was trying to prove. I guess it was all just too Hollywood-esque for me to believe it was actually happening. All of my friends hated how she kept handing me drinks when I was way past my limit, something about me not being fun while sober.”

“Your plenty fun while sober” You gruff.

He chortles at that.

“She didn’t think so. Whatever that relationship was it was built to benefit her more than anything else”

“Do you still think about her?” You ask carefully.

“I think…I think I’m passing the angry stage right now. Wondering why I let her do that to me”

“That stage never truly goes away. I still cringe at some of my older relationships, but I think you come to terms with it. Eventually”

He smiles at that, a dazed upturn. He’s looking at you but he’s somewhere else, not fully registering you as a unit. You wonder if you should try to bring him back to earth, but he snaps out of it himself as you shift to sit up.

He immediately jumps to his feet, letting out a yelp as he stretches his limbs.

“OKAY! Enough sulking, up, come on”

His hands clasp yours in a tight grip as he yanks you up from your seat before you can even register what he’s doing. An arm is slung around your shoulders as he pulls you away to continue walking on the path. The change in mood is sudden, but infectious as he begins to talk about the carnival that opened up somewhere nearby.

“There’s this shaved ice place I wanna try” he says as he tugs you, arm still tightly holding you by the neck.

“We just ate” There’s a strain in your voice as you smack his arm in a futile attempt to get him to loosen his grip.

“Always room for dessert. All that emotional talk burnt everything off anyway, I got room”

That’s how you end up taking pictures of Soonyoung in front of a setting sun, after he’s full of shaved ice and endless rounds of the claw game. He rage quit at his fifth try.

He drops you off home, not before thanking you for both helping him and lending a listening ear.

He wouldn't leave until you walked inside and sent him a text.

Once you're settled in your bed, ready to pass out, your phone dings at a notification.

[@ho5hi_kwon tagged you in a post]

It’s the pictures you took today, you realise as you swipe through the entire collection.

There’re pictures of your shaved ice bowls, a couple subsequent ones of you skipping down the boardwalk, a couple of the river and the illuminated Ferris wheel.

You keep flipping through them all with a stupid smile, vaguely aware that this looked sickeningly like a date.

You’re back to looking at the first photo of the collection, the one you took of him backlit by the sunset.

It’s a shot of his back as he looks over his shoulder, soft smile out to work. He isn’t looking directly at the camera, gaze directed to the person behind the shot. His loss of focus owed to your (unnecessary) hype commentary, something you did for all your friends while taking their pictures.

There's a knead in your stomach as you’re unable to tear away from his eyes. He looked beautiful.

Stay until the sunsets

The very apparent suggestions of the entire post, and now the caption, make you wonder if you’re alone in what you feel.

Setting your phone down on your chest, you opt to stare at the ceiling, needing a blank stimulus for your thoughts. You knew what all that turmoil in your stomach was about, and it had been brewing for a while.

Setting foot on the thought of a possible crush on your ex-best friend’s ex-boyfriend was enough to make you question if you had truly lost your mind.

***

It was the end of the semester, and you were itching to go out and do something after finals. The invitation text was enough for Alyssa to plop herself in front of your dresser to do her makeup while you sift through your wardrobe for an acceptable ensemble.

“How’s this?” You pull out a brown satin dress, holding it up to your frame for her to see.

Peering over her compact, she gives you a look. “Y/n, this is a party not a brunch date with Soonyoung”

That has you sputtering at the thought, “Brunch?”

“Yes. With Soonyoung” The haughty look on her face is taunting. And it’s working. “Don’t look at me like that, like you haven’t been having carnival dates with him”

You attempt to regain your posture, “I was helping him with work at the library”

“Didn’t know the library offers shaved ice and views from a dock”

“We went to the carnival later, he wanted shaved ice and we came right back home, it’s normal” You reason, shoving the dress back onto then clothing rod and sifting around for something else.

“Oh yes, and the candid pictures and suggestive captions are all very platonic. Silly me”

You only sigh in response, not wanting to start this conversation.

“What about this one?” It’s another earned scoff from Alyssa. She sets down her lash curler and walks over to your wardrobe, shunning you away.

“Go get started on your makeup, I’ll find something that’s not ‘mom’s summer day out’”

Ever since the topic was touched, it’s the only thing that’s on your mind. You were suddenly hyper aware of your relationship with Soonyoung, if Alyssa was getting the wrong idea, how many others were? What about Soonyoung, was he being pestered with the same questions? Would he start avoiding you if it gets too much? It’s the only natural course of action if he doesn’t feel the same way. Of course, he doesn’t feel the same way, you doubt he’d be quick to jump into anything after the dumpster fire that was his last relationship, let alone jump into anything with you.

There’s a yank at your chair as you’re dragged around, snapping out of your thoughts.

“What-”

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or not?” It’s Alyssa, stern and determined, who’s pulled you to face her at the edge of the bed.

The automatic response is to be defensive, but that quickly fades as you realize how tired you were about mulling over this alone. You drop your hands in defeat.

“I may like Soonyoung” You mumble, picking at your nails.

“Now was that so hard to admit?”

“Yes? Do I need to remind you-” You start.

“I know, I know” She stops you, “I get it”

Sigh in response, you want nothing more than to cut off whatever part of your brain landed you in this predicament.

“Do you really like him?” She asks carefully.

“No? Yes? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I should go to this stupid party, he’s gonna be there and it’s gonna make it worse. I need to get rid of whatever the fuck this feeling is and being around him isn’t gonna help”

“Nonsense, you’re going to this party. You owe it to yourself, don’t let what you think is wrong hold you back from having fun”

She moves to hold up a dress and a matching jacket.

“This with those boots you bought” She giggles, “Isn’t it cute?”

“Girl, have you been outside this past week, I'll melt in that”

“Oh please, you run cold anyway. You can lose the jacket when it gets warm and show off those smexy shoulders” She throws the ensemble on the bed runs out the room to find your shoes.

“Oh, you’re gonna have him hands and knees!" She yells from the hallway.

"I'm not wearing it if that's the goal"

"The goal" she drags, emerging into the room with tall boots in hand, "is to make you feel hot as fuck. The rest will unfold on its own"

You sit back down on your dresser and stare at the disarray that is your entire makeup collection.

"Do you need me to cake your face too?"

You're quick to deny as you try to find the primer bottle.

"Kay, I'm gonna do my hair. It's about to get loud"

Good, you thought. Maybe it'll drown out your thoughts. Maybe you need to stop thinking about him entirely, if he’s not in your thoughts he should move out of your heart too.

Failure is instantaneous as your phone dings and you find a text from the devil himself.

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: are you gonna be at Cheol's tonight?

[You]: yup I'll be there

[You]: I'm getting ready rn

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: What’re you wearing

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: I wanna match :(

Your phone is slammed onto the table as soon as you read the text.

He’s insane.

You vaguely register the blare of the hair dryer going silent, too focused on whatever that last text was.

“What? What is it? Did he text you? Why’d you hit the table?” A string of questions pour from Alyssa’s mouth as she walks over to you and picks up your phone to see what caused your explosive reaction.

“Are you seriously upset?! This is amazing! Tell him, oh my god”

You snatch the phone back from her vice grip, pointedly ignoring the elation on her face.

“Your hair looks like you got zapped, go fix it” You snap, trying to waive her off.

“Shut up, tell him! Actually wait no, tell him the colour and that’s it, can’t be too cooperative. He has to want you more before you start shimmying back”

The initial stagger of his sheer forwardness was now replaced by the urge to throttle your friend. She notices the exhausted expression.

“No, you’re not allowed to look at me like that when his name on your phone is - that” She retorts

“That was him!” You defend.

“Whatever! Just tell him the goddamn colour before I do it myself”

***

Your still warming up to the crowd as you talk to Seungkwan in the living room over a glass of whatever he handed you when you walked in. Alyssa waited no time to rally both him and Joshua to update them on your heartfelt matters, to which they were just as insufferable as the only other person you’d told.

Joshua and Alyssa had long disappeared finding other people in the crowd, promising they’d be back with updates.

What of, you guess you’ll find out.

“You're anxious, aren’t you?” Seungkwan asks, a little smirk playing on his lips.

“Can you blame me?” You sigh, leaning into the sofa, “Why couldn’t it have been literally anyone else?”

“You can’t control that, and Soonyoung’s a good guy, better than most of the assholes out for blood” He takes a sip from his cup, “You’re skeptical because of a previous situation and that's it. There’s nothing wrong with how you feel”

You don’t have chance to reply as you hear an all too familiar laugh tinkle in the midst of the chaos.

Seungkwan must’ve felt you stiffen, his hand immediately coming up to grab your arm in a attempt to ground you.

You can only close your eyes and breathe in another deep, deep sigh.

“You don’t care” Seungkwan affirms in your ear.

He’s right.

You don’t care.

Opening your eyes, you sit up a little straighter, choosing to ignore owner of the voice.

You’re not sure how, but you didn’t anticipate the fact that Jennie would be here too. Of course she would, everyone is here.

“I’m fine”

He could tell that you were. You felt proud of that.

“For the record, you look hotter than her”

You snort at the statment and his aggravated expression, assuming he saw her over your shoulder.

“Thanks, I guess”

“I’m serious, anyone’s ugly with a personality like that”

“Alyssa said the same thing”

“Alyssa’s smart”

“Should I call him and ask where he is?” you finally voice the urge that’s been circulating for the 30 minutes you’ve been here.

He begins to laugh at that before another thing catches his eye behind you.

“Don’t have to. He’s right there”

You turn around on instinct wish Seungkwan hadn’t seen him.

Soonyoung was mid confrontation with Jennie over the open kitchen island.

It looks like a serious conversation, neither of them looking like they’re having too much fun in each other’s company.

You aren’t sure if you’re deluding yourself into thinking they hate each other. For your own sake.

Soonyoung’s gaze wanders and locks directly with yours across the room. He stills for a second before removing his stare. He’s nodding to something Jennie is saying.

You can’t help but feel small at the sight. For some reason, it projected you back to before all of this happened. To when you and Jennie were still friends and she was still dating Soonyoung. It’s knives straight to your gut as you realise how similar this is becoming to a time you don’t want to return to.

The sight of them together is familiar.

And you hate it.

It makes you want to vomit all over the floor, halt whatever was happening and give you an excuse to go home and stay there forever.

You hate how good he looks, keeping to his promise to match with you. The black bomber jacket fits him well, sunglsses perched on his head despite it being past 8 PM. He’s taken the time and slicked his hair back today, and it suits him too well for you to look at him for too long.

You turn back to Seungkwan, and you’re expression must’ve alarmed him because he’s quick to pull you up to lead you to the outside patio.

You land on yet another couch, except this time it’s beside the pool where you can already see Mingyu trying to drown Joshua in the deep end.

“Y/n! Seungkwan! Hi!” Mingyu waves from the end, looking excited to see you.

You can’t help but smile at his bright greeting as you wave back.

Seungkwans snapping pictures of his bright smile as he simultaneously shoves Josh’s head into the water. It’s a funny sight, one that makes you feel better immediately.

“He’s not gonna go back to her” Seungkwan low tones in your ear.

You open your mouth and close it again.

“I know. It’s just-”

“A lot? I know, but he’s gone through hell because of that woman, I also know every second spent with her is one he’d rather be literally anywhere else. I also also know that you already knew that but I needed to make sure you understood that she is not a problem anymore”

You nod your head as you smile and lean into Seungkwan’s shoulder.

The sickening feeling hasn't gone away entirely, but you choose to turn your attention to how happy you feel with your friends.

Joshua’s somehow overtaken and is trying drown Mingyu instead, Seokmin’s in the corner shooting waterguns to help.

You notice Alyssa sitting on the double swing right across, talking to a blond haired individual. The lovesick smile that’s plastered on her face is enough to inform you that this must be Jeonghan.

Soonyoung steps out into the patio after a little bit, eyes searching.

You shoot up from Seungkwan’s shoulder at the sight of him, suddenly conscious about how your hair looks from the humidity.

As he plops down next to you, one arm over the headrest behind you and one between his parted legs, he lets out a loud sigh. You briefly wonder why he always looks like a different shade of exhausted every time you see him.

“She just apologized” He announces, head thrown back.

Both you and Seungkwan are suddenly sitting up at attention, giving each other a look before settling your eyes back on Soonyoung urging him to continue.

“What do you mean she apologized?” You breath in disbelief.

“I don’t know, something about how she realised her mistakes and whatnot” He rubs his face with his hands like he’s trying to rub away the image of her “She might come for you next, a warning I guess”

“Oh” is all you can say, still a little conflicted over what this could mean.

“I came here to have a good time and first thing I see when I walk in is her” He spits, “Whatever, I don’t care, I’m not thinking about it”

Seungkwan pushes over his drink to him, “I didn’t poison it, it’ll help”

He accepts the cup and downs the rest of the contents, to which you realise you’d barely touched your own cup since you got here. Not in the mood to drink, you hand your cup over to Soonyoung as well, to which the contents suffer the same demise.

Just as he’s putting his cup down, a stray Mingyu creeps up on Seungkwan and pulls him into a run straight into the pool. He only half succeeds as it results in yet another cat fight on the edge of the pool.

That left you two alone.

Tearing your eyes away from the live WWE match, you look over to see Soonyoung laughing at his friends’ antics, exhaustion faded as he finds joy in watching the scene. It’s a pretty sound, his laugh, a genuine sound. The way his eyes form crescent moons, and his lips break out into the prettiest shape; everything about him is endearing. You note the tiger patch on the sleeve of his jacket, assuming he attached it himself considering the slightly peeling corners. You could fix it for him.

Sub-consciusly, you find yourself reaching out and touching the patch, pushing it into his sleeve as though it could reattach itself with nothing.

Soonyoung notices your contact, and asks you inquisitively.

“Is the patch coming off?”

“Almost”

He lets out a sound of annoyance, “I only put it on last week”

“You can give it to me later, I can fix it and give it back”

“Really? I have a few more I wanna put on there too. The instructions are so vague I can never do them right”

The party was a tame one, with no other hiccups after that. Jennie did not come over to speak to you, nor did you see her for the rest of the night, you might’ve even forgotten she was there in the first place. Despite the low beat gathering, you felt refreshed after spending time with your friends, head clearer than it had been for weeks.

This also meant you were almost entirely sure that your crush was turning into a full blown pulverization.

It irritated you that these feelings were springing out of seemingly nothing. Kwon Soonyoung was remarkable, but nothing was done in a way that swept you off your feet in a single instance. A crawl, you’d describe it, a slow prowl in the back of your mind, building momentum slowly but surely.

You left that party with Kwon Soonyoung’s jacket, and questions for yourself as to why you offered to even do this when your goal was to avoid him.

***

You’re standing in front of your ironing board, with another plethora of patches that he had given you to attach. He’d given you free reign on how you wanted to do it but you wondered how much freedom you really had considering almost all of them were tiger themed in one way or another.

His friends entertained him regarding his tiger agenda, but you wonder how fitting it is considering the way he’d been circling your feelings like they were this damned animal’s prey.

Without realisng it, you’d been staring at the blaring orange patches and jacket on the board for a solid 20 minutes, lost in thoughts of Soonyoung and his ferocious ways to pull you under.

The pieces were doing nothing to your freshly awoken mind but have you think about him even more, so you chose sanity and decided you’d get back to it when you can control your train of thought.

Soonyoung, however, refuses to let you forget him as you hear a ring come from inside your room. It stops ringing before you can pick it up and you realise he both called and texted just minutes ago.

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: haiii

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: are you awake yet?

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]:did you put the patches on

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: does it look good

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: can i see

[You]: You called

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: yeah cuz you wouldn’t answer 🤬

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: answer my texts

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: where did you again

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: do you not lurve me anymore 😞

[You]: oh my god

[You]: dude its been barely 5 minutes since your first text

[You]: i have a life yk

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]:ok ya thats great

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: patches????jacket????????

[You]: i haven’t gotten to it yet i just woke up

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: GASP

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]:CAN I COME OVER AND WATCH YOU DO IT

Any remnants of fatigue from the night before evaporates as soon as you read the text.

[You]: Aren’t you like

[You]: hungover asf rn

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: not really

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: i dint have too much other than whatever you gave me

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]:was that even alcohol lol

[You]: idk Kwan just handed it to me

[You]: but yeah you can come over if you want

[You]: i was about to start working on it anyway

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: YAY

[Soonyoungie 🐯🐯🐯🐯]: be there in 20 :3

Setting your phone down on the bed, you give yourself a couple minutes to close your eyes and think about what you just agreed to.

You want him here, of course you do. Your feelings were starting to bud into the attachment phase, where the heavy feeling would settle in your stomach when he wasn’t there. You hated how you needed his presence to feel like you could function.

You hate how much he effects you.

And despite how much you hate it, you find yourself getting up and wanting to make yourself look pretty. If pretty meant looking anything other than your just-woke-up hair and borderline no bottoms, you opted for one of your nicer lounge sets and brushing out your hair. This was you forcing yourself to draw a line of normalcy, you needed to put effort to not put effort in at all.

It occurs to you that this might be the first time you’re restraining yourself, not because you don’t want to scare someone away, but more to keep you from overstepping within your own bounds. Every love interest in your life brought about a vigor in you, wanting to do everything to appeal to them and to appeal to yourself.

This time was different. This time had you feel abhorrent towards your own feelings, for a reason that the universe molded to spring from a person most sensitive to you. And ironically, you realise these feelings may be stronger than any you’ve felt before.

By the time Soonyoung is here and sitting on the rugged floor in front of all the fabric, you’ve pushed the thoughts aside and focused on being happy in front of him.

You plug in the iron while you both try to find the right places for the patches, trying to decide what looks best.

“How’s here?” You put up a T shaped patch with a tiger surrounding it a little below the breast pocket.

“Oh, I like that. This can go there then, that’ll fit”

Trying not to think too much about how many times your fingers brushed with his while you shuffled the patches around the same jacket.

“And then you flip it over and run the iron for a little bit more” You instruct, glancing up at him to see if he understood.

You wish you hadn’t because because you realise then and there that Kwon Soonyoung has the most adorable concentration face you have ever seen. Wanting nothing more than to squish his cheeks together, you control yourself by forcefully retracting, probably a little too abruptly to be considered normal.

Thankfully, he doesn’t notice, too busy trying to do exactly as you instructed.

“Do I stop now?” He looks up and catches you staring at him intensely.

You realise you’ve been caught in the act and try to cover it up by moving forward and fumble with the fabric.

“Uh, we can check” you’re frantically lifting the fabric, touching it slightly trying not to burn yourself. “I think it’s good, yeah. Where’s the other one we can do that one now”

It might be you lying to yourself that he hadn’t noticed your heart eyes in a sub-conscious attempt to keep your cool around him, but you can’t be sure he’s not feeling just as awkward as you right now.

“Where do you even find this many tiger related patches from,” you start, in an attempt to diffuse the silence “I mean, unless it’s a hobby”

“I had a couple given to me by friends and stuff but most of them I bought at this sunday flea market” he looks up at you to continue, “It’s a really good flea market they’ve got loads of good junk, I’ll take you one of these days”

The prospect of going to the flea market with Soonyoung, especially when he says he’s going to take you is already sending off the flurry of butterflies (could be raccoons too, considering the frat party happening in your stomach).

“The patches thing isn’t really a hobby though, I think my shit job at the first one says so. It’s just the tigers really” He finishes, a slight mumble in his voice.

“They’re cute” you comment offhandedly, not missing the way his face lights up as you say that.

“Really? I mean tigers are cool, they’ve always been cool. They’re cute too, I guess”

You smile at his childish enthusiasm. You hadn’t lied, they were cute.

“Yeah, they complement the jacket too. You’ve just made a one of a kind, Kwon Soonyoung” you hold up the finished jacket, urging him to get up so he can try it on himself.

You watch him as he stares at himself and the jacket in the full length mirror, admiring his and your’s handiwork.

He waddles around to turn to you with the excitement of a child showing off their new outfit.

“Does it look good?” you almost cry at how adorable he sounds as he asks you the sincere question. As much as you’d like to fawn, you must exercise self control.

“Mhm, it really does look good. This was a good idea”

By the time you’re done cleaning up and Soonyoung has hung his jacket on an actual hanger, you suggest a bite to eat, considering how you hadn’t fed yourself since you woke up.

“Oh! Can you make that pesto salad too, that one you made that day it was really good”

You are but a puddle against his pleading eyes (that may not have been pleading that much you just think his eyes are pretty).

He’s determined to help you though, boiling the pasta, measuring the rice, asking for the nth time if “this much okay?”.

By the time you both had eaten and washed up, it was late afternoon and you were rummaging through your snack bins while Soonyoung flicked to find a movie to watch.

When you re-emerge into the living room, arms brick-and-mortared with snacks and drinks, you realise Soonyoung had picked a horror movie.

That’s not good. For you at least.

Don’t get it twisted, you weren’t one to lack valor, but you’d argue that horror movies were where you draw the line.

Dumping your arms load on the coffee table, you wonder if you should say something.

“Jeonghan said this was a good one, apparently he’s watched every horror movie in existence” He opens a can of whatever he finds on the table and cracks it open, you aren’t paying too close attention to what it is though, too busy trying to figure a way out of what’s going to become a literal night of horrors for you.

"Oh, didn't know that"

"course you didn't, wasn't this your first time meeting him?"

You want to thank him for making you look stupid.

"Right" you correct yourself, "Alyssa's always talking about him, it feels like I've known him forever"

He seems to accept that, which means you may have played it off.

But he also looks like he's about to press play on the trailer of the movie, like a sick taster for whatever was to come.

"Um, what's the movie about, again" you start, pretending to rummage through snacks even though you had no room after eating just before this.

"These things never really have a plot do they? It's just supposed to make you shit your pants anyway"

You laugh weakly at that, feeling a little sticky in your armpits, wondering if it was really getting as hot as you felt.

Trying to look at the bottom corner of the screen the entire time Soonyoung is assessing the trailer was a conscious effort, not wanting him to notice your lack of attention if you stare at anything other than the screen.

Pulling the blanket up to your chin as you settle into the couch beside him, you wonder how weirded out he'll get if you keep your head in the blanket the entire time.

"Are you okay?" he finally asks, noticing your incessant shuffling beside him.

"Yeah, yeah. Why'd you ask?" you're avoiding looking directly at him, like he could detect your blatant lies if you made eye contact.

"Do you wanna watch something else?”

“I don’t know, does the trailer look good?”

“You tell me, you just watched it too”

Right.

“I liked it”

You must’ve been believable, because it’s only a second later that he’s pressing play on the actual movie.

“I’ll get the lights”

You don’t have the energy to tell him you’d do it yourself as he gets up to switch off the lights, knowing for a fact your mother would have your head for allowing a guest do something while you were seated.

You had other worries, like how you were going to get through this movies without making yourself look like a wuss. You were fine for the first 10 minutes as the family moves into their new home, happy times as the kids settled into their rooms.

Soonyoung hadn’t spoken a word to you, too engrossed in his pack of chips and the movie playing.

So far so good.

You even briefly wonder what it’d be like to lean into his side as the movie progressed, but the thought is cut short as the first (somewhat) jumpscare has you flinching slightly.

That grabs his attention, realising you were flinching at the screen itself.

“Do you not like horror movies? Wait, fuck, I should’ve realised. We should watch something else-” He’s already reaching for the remote before you’re grabbing his stretched arm with both of your own hands.

“No, no, no. I like them, I’m just kinda jumpy with stuff like this. But it’s fun for me, like I like it, please”

“Bullshit”

“Soonyoung! I want to watch this movie”, you borderline yell.

He gives up for reaching for the remote and lets your hands bring him back in.

“You’re lying to me”, he says, a low register to his voice.

“Will you pretend I’m not?” you're still clutching his hands in a death grip, like he might lunge for the remote again.

It's silent for a minute, air thick. It was quite silly in hindsight, getting so worked up about picking a movie.

The gears are turning in his head, that much you can tell. You can only assume he's trying to refute somehow, but you've hit him with an emotional line. He's gonna have a hard time winning this one.

"Can I hold you then? To make you feel better"

He might as well have plowed his fists through your chest with the way the air is knocked out of them.

“Okay”

You need to put your mouth on a leash.

“Can I play it now?” He asks carefully, looking at you carefully.

“Yeah”

“Hon, you need to let go of my hands so I can do that”

You let go of his hands immediately, your own hands coming back up to your chest as you register that other feat of embarrassment.

He smiles as he reaches for the remote to resume the movie, and coming back to settle next to you.

Pulling away the blanket from his side, he beckons you to come closer to share it.

Scooching over slightly, he throws the blanket on so it covers both of you, paying attention to tuck it in to your sides.

When he’s done he throws an arm around and pulls you into him closer.

Leaning into you he says, “Relax, I won’t bite you”

So you do. You attempt to loosen the tension in your body as you let yourself fully mold into his side, hoping you were natural enough.

His attention is back on the movie, and yours is anywhere but. He smells like fresh linen and fabric softener, mixed with what you think is his perfume. Laundry soaps have never smelled this good.

You’re hyperaware of how his body is contracting and relaxing, how his fingers rest on your shoulders.

You debate on whether you should put your head on his shoulder. It was right there, ready for a lonely head to take refuge in.

Fuck it, I’ve come this far. Might as well.

With your head rested on his shoulder, arm wrapped around you and body engulfed in a blanket; you feel warm, the nice kind.

You’re attention, however, is diverted as you register the slowly daunting sound effects and cautious characters on the screen. Groaning internally, knowing full well what was coming, you bring the blanket up closer to your face, eyes already darting away in precaution.

What you also notice is how Soonyoung’s other hand makes its way on to your head to pat it slightly. You appreciate it though, it gives you more blockage. Your eyes are closed as an added measure when the inevitable jumpscare happens but you still flinch at the roar of the speakers.

Curse this movie and its amazing sound technicians.

By the time the movie’s over you’ve muscled through a few more jolts, more, if you count the last 20 minutes you spent with your head entirely under the blanket. Bless Soonyoung and his encouraging pats.

When you’ve finally emerged out of your hiding place as the end credits rolled, you inhale sharply as your back hits the sofa once more.

“Well” Soonyoung starts, “That was fun”

“Yes”, you breathe out as you turn to him, an exasperated smile on your face.

By the time you’re done cleaning up the hoard of snack wrappers and sprayed the room so it wouldn’t smell like cheese puffs, Soonyoung announces that he’s going to take his leave.

“Stay” you blurt out as soon as he says so. “Stay until dinner, we can go out if you want. Or we could ask the rest of them if they’re not busy we can all get together. But stay, you don’t have anywhere to be, do you?”

“I mean, I’ve been here forever, don’t you have plans” He asks sheepishly.

“Bold of you to assume I’d have two days of plans, back to back” you reply, earning you a snort from him.

“Regardless, I was gonna go to the studio to warm up for a couple hours.” he says, “If you don’t have plans, do you wanna come with? I mean, the advice you gave last time you came with Kwan actually worked. Could use your input”

“So I’m only being asked because you want input?”

“No! I mean, it’ll be fun, I could teach you too. I didn’t mean it like-” his eyes have gone wide slightly, hand coming up in defense.

You laugh at his defense, “I’m kidding. Wait here, I’ll go change. It’ll only be a minute”

***

By the time he’s warmed up the both of you with his endless stretches, you’re already panting.

“Okay, there’s this thing I’ve been working on. If we finish it today, how about we film it?” Soonyoung asks, walking over to the music controls.

“Film it? Film it for what?” you whip your head around.

“Insta, or something. I post a lot of them there, it’s like an archive”

“A portfolio you mean?”

“If having pictures of me posing also counts as appropriate in a dance portfolio, sure let’s call it that”

By the time he’s shown you what he’s been working on so far, you’re left wondering what impression you’ve given him to think this was doable for you.

“Um” you want to tell him he’s overestimated your abilities, but your cut off.

“No I’m not hearing it, up! Right now!” And he’s grabbing you by the arms to pull you up. You’re vaguely reminded how he did this by the river too a few weeks ago.

“It just looks hard, it’s not really. You’ll be fine” He promptly lets go, running to turn off the music loop.

You feel a little stupid as you try to mimic his moves. It’s not that he’s a bad teacher, he’s actually explaining it quite well, but they just don’t seem to fit your natural movements. He evens tops what he’s doing at one point and walks over to yank your shoulders back and stiffen your head up.

“You’re not relaxed, you need to stop thinking so much about it, just do.”

“Didn’t know I was taking dance lessons from Plato” you grumble.

As annoyed as you were, his advice was working. Soon you were more than halfway done, moving through each move faster and faster.

“And that’s it” he announces, “we’ll refine it a bit and then we can film”

It took you a few takes but you came to one you were happy with. He may have managed to get you to film with him but you bargained for the dimmed lights to shadow your face; alas your embarrassment is only human.

In bed, you watch the final cut he posted on his social media. You can barely watch the whole thing through before you’re switching off your phone entirely to set it where you can’t reach.

***

“Y/n, it’s literally impossible for you to know that” Alyssa exclaims.

“No it’s not. Common sense if you ask me” you reply.

“How do you know that Hoshi is not as love with you you are with him”

“Alyssa, I’m not having this conversation with you in the middle of a supermarket” you snap, throwing a bag of spinach in the cart she’s pushing behind you.

“Then when? When he’s moved on and found someone else because you wouldn’t fess up? When they move in together? When they get married? Have children!?”

Halting in your tracks, theres a vivid image of Soonyoung in a tux with a faceless woman at the alter, smiles and joy. Shaking it off, you stalk to the next aisle faster than your friend can catch up.

“Miss ma’am, do not fucking run away from me” she barks as she parks next to you in the sauce aisle. “You’re deluding yourself into thinking you have a reason to not confront him because you’re scared of your own feelings”

“Didn’t have to get that deep in front of the bechamel” you pose a sad face next ot the jar before chucking it in the cart.

Alyssa groans a dramatic sigh, you simply move on to the ginger and garlic pastes.

“The bechamel wants you to confess” she says, voice muffled with her head down on the handles of the cart.

“The bechamel wants me to be sensible”

“You’re stubborn with absolutely nothing but this, what’s it going to take”

“I don’t know Alyssa. I don’t know”

“The bechamel would also like to know why you feel the need to loiter around other people’s exes?”

You watch Alyssa’s face go sour at the person behind you. Turning around to confront the familiar voice, meeting with a sickly sweet smile and mocking eyes.

“Oh sorry, am I overstepping”, Jennie feigns a concerned voice before switiching, “Oh wait, no, that was you”

“I’d suggest the candy aisle if you’re gonna be a child about this” Alyssa rolls her eyes as she puts on the bitchiest face you’ve ever seen. You liked it.

“I don’t answer to you, Jennie. If you have a problem with me doing anything then too bad. And I’d really appreciate you quit playing ‘mean girl’ it’s not cute” You say calmly, you were not about to punch someone in the middle of a supermarket.

“Can’t believe I was about to try to make up with you. My bad, you won’t hear from me again, don’t worry about it”

With that she turns around and leaves the aisle, leaving you a little speechless.

You almost think she was mirage with how quickly she dropped in and out, not without throwing a couple on brand commentary.

“Does this bitch think she’s in some Hollywood movie, what was with the faces” Alyssa rants as she helps you unpack groceries in your kitchen.

“God, you were so right about that mean girl thing, she probably thinks she’s so cool” She turns around and makes a very apparent gagging motion. “You’d think we’re in middle school or something -”

“I’m gonna tell him how I feel” you announce, dropping the bag of spaghetti and turning around to face her.

That shuts her up, very quickly too.

“Come again” she whispers.

Shifting your weight on your other leg you exhale loudly, not wanting to make eye contact.

“I’m gonna tell Soonyoung that I like him” you reiterate slowly, more for yourself than her.

“Are you serious? You’re not joking right?” She’s dropped everything and come up to grab your arms.

“It’s probably good that I saw her today, I think she meant to discourage me but it just…did the opposite”

“When’re you gonna do it?”

“Um” you fiddle with your fingers, “When the times right, I guess”

“Vague. But I can’t even be mad about it right now” she claps her hands together, “Oh I’m so excited for you”

“Are you crying?”

“No. They’re just glazed. Like a donut.”

“Like a donut?”

“Like a donut”

You let out a chortle before turning back to put away the rest of your groceries.

It was becoming increasingly obvious of your lack of self control around Soonyoung, going against your own words of distance. Today’s altercation was a crude reminder of exactly why you started avoiding Jennie in the first place, and after all these months, you’d fallen back into the habit of allowing her to control you. The only thing holding you back from Soonyoung was Jennie, despite the lack of physical existence.

Both you and Soonyoung had changed, Jennie was still in the same place.

***

The next time you see Soonyoung, he’s an awful lot touchier than normal. He’s tipsy, so of course he is. But with a confession looming in your mind, it’s natural for you to be hypersensitive.

You’re sitting in the big house your friends had rented to celebrate the end summer season, out in the yard on the grass getting drunk and talking nonsense. The weather was beautiful, minus the mess that had become of dinner plates and drinking glasses strewn across the grass.

Soonyoung had slowly progressed from head on your shoulder, to full on back hug, to eventually lie down completely on your lap.

That didn’t stop him form positively belting whatever song Sengkwan and Jeonghan were karaoke-ing though, not wanting to miss out on anything if he went to bed inside to retire.

It was shocking how easily Jeonghan welded into the group beyond his relationship with Alyssa, one not to go amiss by Soonyoung.

He turns around on his back so he’s looking up at you.

“Are Alyssa and Jeonghan dating or are they just getting there?” He asks bluntly, probably a little louder than socially acceptable.

Jeonghan was too busy belting with Alyssa filming him, so it didn’t catch their ears at the very least.

“They made it official a couple months ago, she asked him out first because of that bet with Kwan. But he popped the real question”

“Cuties” he mumbles, turning around to look at them. “I think I wanna go to bed now”

“Come on, I’ll tuck you in” you say as he rolls off your lap and faceplants on the grass.

“I’ll sleep here”

“You’re gonna wake up as a mosquito warzone, get up!” you chide, hands under his armpits in futile attempts to pull him up.

He only hums in response, and you’re afraid he’s already falling asleep.

Dropping back down on your knees, you whisper in his ear.

“Come on, you need to brush your teeth too. And change out of this sweaty thing, you can’t sleep like this”

It takes a bit more coaxing before he slowly begins to get up, sitting on his knees looking blank for a couple minutes. By the time you’ve bumped into several decor pieces inside the house and to his bedroom, you’re thanking god he didn’t decide to room upstairs. You plop on the bed in exhaustion, having to support him so he wouldn’t walk into a garbage chute.

He’s surprisingly quick to change into his pyjamas, although it took a little more force to get him to brush his teeth, not even thinking about attempting to get him to wash his face.

“Night, Hosh” you’re about to turn out the light when he jolts up from his position from under the blankets.

“Wait!” he says, “Stay here”

“Soonyoung you need to sleep to sober up” you reply.

“I don’t wanna sober up” he pouts.

You sigh as you walk over to his bed and plant yourself at the edge. “But you’re sleepy”

He chooses to ignore you and changes the subject, “Y/n, do you like me?”

What the fuck.

“Of course I like you. Wouldn’t hang around you so much if I didn’t” you reply, not sure how you managed that.

“Oh’.

If you weren’t lying to yourself, you could’ve sworn you saw his face fall a little.

It’s silent for a few seconds before you start again, “Will you go to sleep now?”

He nods his head slowly this time, still staring blankly at the sheets.

So you get up, turn out the lights and begin walking back to where you can hear the rest of your friends’ chatter.

Thumping coming from behind you has you turning around in an instant, your fight or flight trying to understand what burglar was trying to attack you.

What you don’t expect to see is a fully awake Soonyoung stomping over to meet you in the middle.

“I thought I put you in bed” you smile, trying to understand what the change in mood was now.

He ignores you again, and goes straight to the bite.

“Can I kiss you?”

There’s a blank stare on your face as you attempt to register the meaning behind his words.

Kwon Soonyoung had asked to kiss you.

Before you start drooling, you move your head slowly in a fashion that you hope came off as a nod.

It had to have, because the next second, Soonyoung’s lips were on yours.

One hand holding your face and the other pulling you closer into him, he kisses you softly and slowly.

Shaking hands come to touch his own face as you focus on the delicate feeling of his lips and reciprocating.

Pulling away, but just enough that your lips still touch and your breathing into each others mouths, you move back in and kiss him harder. His hands are moving everywhere now, groping you at your waist, your hips, your shoulders.

His tongue is doing beautiful things in your mouth and you hope you can get through it before your knees give out from under you.

You pull away this time, and he immediately moves to kiss down your jaw, moving towards your neck. He’s starting to lose himself there as you reign him in.

“Soonyoung, Soonyoung. Hoshi!” you exclaim, voice breathy and panting. “You’re drunk”

He stops his antics, but his mouth is still pressed into your neck as he brreathes you in.

“Lay with me” he croaks out eventually.

And you do. You follow him back to his room, allowing him to get comfortable as you settle in beside him, not caring that you were still in your day clothes and makeup.

You didn’t care, you let yourself hug him tight as your head rested between his neck and shoulder. There was calm; the buzzing in your head stopping as you let yourself melt into his arms.

Your friends would eventually come inside, only find you both tangled in each other’s limbs, sound asleep.

***

The bed is empty once you wake up, not thinking anything of it as you clamp your eyes back shut and try to go back to sleep again. You’ve almost lulled yourself back to dreamland when a jolting recollection comes back to you. Snapping your eyes open again, you push yourself up on your hands, looking around the room. You see the unmistakable tiger phone case on the nightstand and realise last night was not, in fact, an intoxicated fever dream.

The water is running in the attached bathroom, and with no roommate, you can only assume Soonyoung is in there.

Falling back down on the mattress, you attempt to stretch to clear yourself of fatigue, checking Soonyoung’s phone on the nightstand that read a blaring 2:33 PM.

Rubbing your eyes and consciously getting rid of the crusties, you’re suddenly very aware of how horrible your breath smells.

Soonyoung’s emerging from the bathroom before you can find a solution, hair wet from a shower and (thankfully) clothed in a Tee and shorts.

“Afternoon” he grins in greeting, moving over to place an unexpected kiss on your chapped lips.

“I have to pee” you say as you hastily get up and shuffle to the bathroom.

Soonyoung is sitting in the same spot when you emerge after a minute, “Can you get me my toothbrush from my room? It’s the purple one”

His eyes widen as he springs up immediately, “Yeah, give me a sec”

Disappearing back into the bathroom once he gets your toothbrush, you sit on the toilet cover and try to gain your bearings.

His good afternoon kiss told you he had recollection of the night before; one less thing to mull over.

Springing up from the seat, your quick to start brushing your teeth with more force than actually required. You were going to let whatever happens, happen. No more thinking.

Drying yourself off you emerge back into the room and sit next to Soonyoung on the bed.

“Do you…” he trails off, “Do you not wanna talk about it? Because I get it if you don’t cuz you haven’t said anything yet and I kinda realised maybe I overstepped and-”

You cut him off by leaning in and placing another soft peck on his lips.

“You asked before you did anything and I agreed. That’s not overstepping. I just can’t talk with morning breath, sorry” you breathe out a laugh.

“Oh” he starts laughing too.

“Do we have to do the walk of shame to the kitchen now? I’d delay it but I’m kinda dying for coffee and an advil”

He brings your face in his hands and plants another kiss on your mouth, “They’re all still passed out”

“Perfect” you mumble against his lips, not being able to hold back your giggles.

He leads you into the kitchen, hand in hand, stopping in front of the cabinets for a solid minute. You stand there with him, wondering why he was so silent. He snaps out of it remembering you were here for food and finally turns around to ask you what you wanted.

You could only laugh at his lost expression, still slightly sleepy despite the mid afternoon sun clock.

“I don’t have energy, let’s just do cereal” you say, moving to get the bowls out of the cabinets.

“Nuh huh” he says, “You sit down on the counter. I will make you the best bowl of cereal this nation has ever seen”

You give him a look, but sit down at the counter anyways. He makes a show of whipping out bowls and boxes of cereal.

“Yeah see the key here is to be slow with it. Light lil shakes it comes right out, no broken powdery pieces that make the milk feel like soggy sand” he demonstrates as you watch, chin in your hand.

He does as instructed, only for what seemed like half the bag’s contents spill out into the bowl. You’re both silent as you absorb the comical hill of coco puffs protruding from the bowl, before giggle a little.

“No that’s fine, I’ll eat that. I’m a big boy I need my” - he turns the box around to read the description - “fibre”, he concludes.

“Oh yes of course” you agree with him dutifully.

Managing to put an actual acceptable amount into another bowl, he turns around to the fridge.

“Oat milk, almond milk, soy milk…?” He asks, head stuck inside the fridge.

“We had options?” You ask

“Apparently. Jeonghan might’ve spat in one of these though, he doesn’t believe soy exists”

Fair.

“Is there normal milk?”

He emerges all cute and smiley with the box of cow’s milk, sachaying back over the counter to finish off your bowls.

Once he’s done cermemoniusly plopping a spoon into the bowls, he takes a seat across from you.

He’s looking at you expectantly as bring the first spoonful to your mouth. You can’t help but smile wide at his expression, eyes wide and mouth in a bread smile. Reaching over, you pinch his cheeks hard.

“Ow” he says, but he’s laughing. “Well? How is it?”

“It’s very good. I’ll be excpecting you to make all my cereal bowls henceforth”

“Understood”

Today was your last day here, everybody planning on packing up, loading the cars and leaving by tonight. You hadn’t even realised till midway through your breakfast, and as you see Alyssa walk in to the kitchen. She’s bleary eyed with rats nest hair, clearly just woken up.

She whines as she sits next to you, something about a horrible headache. It’s not long before Jeonghan walks into the kitchen in the same state, resting himself against her back, head on her shoulder.

You smile at the hungover couple, clearly needing more sleep and probably an entire bottle of meds.

Realising they may have fallen asleep like that in the middle of the kitchen stacked on the counter, you smile.

“I’ll do the dishes” you announce, getting off your stool and moving to grab his bowl across the counter.

“No” he rebutts claiming his bowl and your own. “I am”

“Soon-”

“Go make the bed or something, I’ll clean this out”

“Wow. Is the Kwon Soonyoung offering to wash the dishes?” you hear another voice introduce itself. Joshua had also woken up.

You move past him to the room but you don’t miss the muffled sound of “simp” coming from the kitchen. Fighting back another sappy smile, you breathe a sigh of relief.

***

You’re out in the backyard, sitting on the steps as you try to get a good picture of the trees and the flower beds out back. It was nice and sunny, but not enough for it to be considered too hot to handle. Soonyoung comes out back with two coffees, setting them down on the wood beside you. Wrapping his arms around you, he plants a kiss on your lips when you turn your face back to him.

“Whatchu looking at?” he asks.

“The flowers look really pretty in the sun” you answer trying to pull up the pictures you just took.

“They do. You’re the prettiest flower, though.You don’t attract bees. Or die in 3 days” He says.

“Bees are pivotal for the environment, sir”

“I love it when you use big words”

“Pivotal’s a big word, now?”

“I am but a wild tiger, I know nothing but the wilderness and my prey”

You snort at his revelation, a littlle concerned how he could say that with a straight face, you peck him regardless.

“Sit down, tiger, you’re gonna get dizzy if you squat too much”

“What part of strong ferocious tiger are you not understanding” he huffs.

It takes one questioning look for him to plant his butt behind you, legs coming up to encase your entire body in his limbs. His arms stay around you, chin on your shoulder.

“Just to clarify, because Jeonghan asked in the kitchen, I mean, once he woke up anyway,” he starts, “we’re dating right?”

Not being able to handle how innocent he sounds, you turn around and place a big smooch on his face.

“You’re fucking adorable”

He has a blank face, “That doesn’t answer my question. I think”

“Yes. Yes we’re dating”

Watching his face break out into a smile, your own smile widens. You kiss him again for good measure. You don’t see how you could get tired of doing it.

Settling your back into his chest you sigh as you pick up the coffee he brought you to take a sip.

You damn near spit it back out.

“Is it good?” he asks.

You don’t answer as you try to get over the shock in your tastebuds.

He picks up his own mugs and tastes for himself. He, unlike you, actually did spit it back into the mug.

He’d salted the coffee instead of sugar.

***

You’re in bed, except this time Soonyoung is with you, playing with your fingers.

He brings your hand up, curling each of your fingers so it made a tiger paw. You straighten it back only for him to whine and do it again. You straighten them out again, only this time it’s to annoy him.

Once he’s satisfied with the positioning and yous top being a menace, he puts his own hands up in the same pose and takes a picture. It’s when he starts tapping on his phone is when you ask;

“What’re you doing”

“Soft launching you” he responds, too engrossed in picking the right stickers for his Instagram story. “Well, I’ve already hard launched you like three times on my feed already but it’s official this time”

Placing your chin on shoulder, head next to his as you look at what he’s doing on his phone with him.

“That’s too orange” you comment.

“Babe, all tigers are orange”

“Yes but choose a less obnoxious orange, that one’s nasty” you wrinkle your nose.

“Should we get a dog and dye it orange and black?” He mumbles nonchalantly.

Blinking for a moment, you reply, “Pretty sure that’s animal abuse”

“We’ll use animal safe dye. You know I saw this lady in the States dye her dog pink on youtube, it’s totally fine”

“Soonyoung, she wanted a pink dog. You want a tiger. Those are not the same things”

He sighs dramatically as he admits defeat, setting his phone aside after hitting post before turning to you all pouty.

“Why don’t you call me cute names” he asks, switching the subject abruptly, once again.

This was going to take some getting used to.

“I mean I guess I call you Hoshi sometimes-”

“No, everyone calls me that. We’re supposed to have those cute lovey dovey disgsuting names just for each other” he whines.

‘Soonie’ was off the suggestions, and you doubted he’d want you to call him something his ex once did (wore it out, really).

“Youngie?” he suggests, but goes back to thinking once he reads your questionable look.

“Nicknames catch on, don’t they. Maybe I’ll start calling you something after you embrass yourself with it”

“Oh! I can call you pesto! You know cuz of your salad” He says, bouncing on the bed to aggressively face you.

“It can’t possibly appeal to you that much-” you start.

“If you were dying and that pesto was drowning with you, I’d dive for the pesto” he deadpans.

There’s little ways you can respond to your boyfriend choosing a pleasure of 5 minutes over your life, but sure, you’ve had a couple burgers you’d string him up for too.

“Good to know. Get out of my house” you choose to reply.

“Nooooooo!” he exclaims, dramatically throwing all of his limbs across your entire body to suffocate you. “I’m not leaving, EVER!”

“This is criminal tresppassing!” your voice is muffled under his chest as he shows no signs to let go.

“Criminal trespassing on your heart!!”

You’re afraid he’s quite proud of that one, and you question why you're here for a moment. You decide to spare him a choking considering he was right.

“Hey Pesto, how about some salad for this criminal?” he asks, his disgustingly adorable smug face presented to you aas he loosens his grip.

An animal type strength comes roaring inside you as you respond by pushing him off the bed completely.

“Ow” he shouts, “What was that for?”

“For whatever it was that prompted you to say that” you say.

“So no pesto, Pesto?” he’s pouting, and rubbing his behind a little.

Deciding to be nice, you hang over the bed and pull his face up to kiss him.

“Yes pesto. If you come back up here to cuddle for a few more minutes” you smile, still holding his now also smiling face.

He’s quick to scramble, pulling himself up before you’re stopping him with a sock clad foot to his chest; “No cringey commentary or I’ll throw you off the bed again”

He responds by landing directly on you, planting pecks all over your face as you decide, then and there, that you’d take any cringey joke to have him kiss you everyday.

2K notes · View notes

beomcoups · 25 days

Text

Caller #17

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: basketball player!Soonyoung x college dj reader

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: fluff, angst, 90s au

𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: PG-13

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: cursing, talks of tough family dynamics, bit of heavy angst, kissing

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬: 8.8k

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: You could easily name 10 things that you hate about him. But when you bond over music and families, you realize there's more to him than meets the surface.

𝐀𝐍: This was not an easy fic. It took me way longer than I planned to write, and the story I had mapped out went in a different direction. I still feel proud of this one, my longest fic yet, and I hope that you will enjoy it too 🥹 This is a part of my very own Now That's 90's collab hosted by me and @mingsolo. Thank you to @wooahaeproductions for reading this over and @hobeemin for making a banner for me at the last minute 💙

“Thank you for calling into C.A.R.A.T radio! What’s your song of the week?” “Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve!” “You got it! Thanks for calling into C.A.R.A.T radio at 526 AM.” Hitting play on the record, the orchestra's melody hits your ears, sending you into an out-of-body experience, your soul floating to cloud nine. The hairs on the back of your neck stand every time the song is played, and you imagine yourself playing the violin, getting lost in the beautiful and complicated sinfonia. Working at the college radio station was your life. It’s the only place to lose yourself to TLC, Nirvana, and Weezer for hours without judgment. You are in your 3rd year of college, getting your bachelor’s in music theory so you can be one of the most prominent songwriters in the world. While everyone in high school didn’t know what they would be doing with their life, you always imagined yourself getting a Grammy for Song of the Year on stage. That is your real passion: creating musical poetry for the masses.

You slowly take the headphones off and set them down, looking at the big clock plastered on the wall. You let out a heavy sigh, sad that your time at the station is ending. You are allotted two hours a day on Saturday as a part of credit for your program. If you had it your way, you would be here daily, listening to your favorite records and writing songs between commercial breaks.

“Hey,” your professor Kim calls out from her office. “Come in here before you leave.”

You gather your things to leave, looking at the station one last time before entering the smaller space. This isn’t her regular office, but it has everything you think you would need: a desk, a comfortable chair, and bookshelves full of books and ornaments for decoration. You have spent a lot of time in here, pitching new ideas for the station and getting turned down every single time.

“What's up?” You sit in the chair opposite of her.

“So we will be introducing a new segment to the radio where callers can call in and ask for advice about anything, and then you can recommend a song based on what they are calling in about.:” She pauses to take a sip of water. “I want you to be a part of it.”

You don’t answer right away. You are peeved that Professor Kim wants you to head any segment. You have never shown any initiative to want to talk to anyone who calls in besides listening to music. It’s just not your thing. You are a loner at heart, and that’s how you plan to stay.

“Why me?” You finally speak up. “There are other people who are better at this than I am. Hell, ask Emily. She has been foaming at the mouth to talk about anything other than music.”

“Because you are who I want,” she shrugs. “I see how you look when you talk about your favorite releases. You go deep with the lyrics and how you can relate that to any part of your life. You are more than the person behind the voice, and it’s time other people see that.” “Well, I am not trying to be the next Oprah or Ricki Lake,” you scoff. I just want to play music, write my songs, and do whatever I need to do for the class.”

“No one said you would be the next talk show anything,” Professor Kim retorted. “This will be considered a project, and it’s worth 20% of your grade. Plus, when you are in the industry and have sessions with the artists about the song's lyrics, don’t you need to talk to them about their life and what they need? Think about that.” You nod, feeling defeated because you know you can’t talk your way out of this. You know she is right, but you will never admit it. “Plus, it’ll be a good idea to get out of your shell and work on those social skills,” she says. “We will start in a couple of weeks, so get your mind ready because before you know it, you will be there.” You nod and leave the office, your stomach grumbling loudly as you put your headphones on and listen to the latest Backstreet Boys release. It’s a quarter past seven, and dusk officially sets in the sky as you walk across campus. Working at the radio station is the highlight of your week, as you can’t play music loud at your dorm without others complaining. Fortunately, your dorm is set where you have your own space, but the walls are thin, and you can hear everything. You considered buying noise-canceling foam to cover your door but were told it was “against” the rules. Whatever. Your stomach rumbles again, and you are determined to get a burger and fries in your stomach and drink an Oreo milkshake. You cross the street, open your bag, and grab your wallet before being met with a screeching halt from a car in front of you, its headlights blaring in your eyes. “What the fuck?” You mouth at the driver. The driver pokes his head out the window, and you instantly recognize him as Soonyoung, the star point guard of the basketball team. His black Jeep is crowded, full of guys and girls, with Usher blasting through the speakers. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” he waves. “Yeah, no shit,” you retort, walking to the end before the car pulls off. Jeers and boos could be heard, but you could care less. People like that always get in your way no matter what. You avoid people like that as much as people, as you don’t want to be mixed in with that crowd. Soonyoung will eventually go pro and live the NBA life, whereas you will be on the stage accepting awards, with millions of people cheering your name.

The segment started as planned, and you sat and listened to every caller asking for advice. Most of them wanted advice on how to ask someone out for a date, makeup, and things you didn’t care about. The only thing that made it worth it was you got to pick the music to go with the advice, which allowed you to show off your taste in music, from Britney Spears to Mandy Moore, Usher, Sugar Ray, etc. It made the time go by faster as well. You look through the glass, and Professor Kim gives you a thumbs up to take the last call. Letting out a sigh of relief, you let the call ring a few times before you answer. “Welcome to C.A.R.A.T radio. You are lucky caller number 17. What’s on your mind?” “H-hello?” a tenured male voice booms through the speakers. You groan, fighting the urge to roll your eyes. “You’ve reached C.A.R.A.T radio! What’s on your mind?”

“Hey. You can use this line to ask for advice, right?”

“Yep,” you say, a bit annoyed. “Whatcha got?”

There is a lengthy pause, your fingers tapping dramatically on the soundboard. You raise an eyebrow at the professor, who shrugs and walks out of your view. You hear shuffling in the background, followed by what sounds like something being sipped from a cup.

“S-sorry, I am a bit nervous,” he apologizes. “It’s my first time calling in.”

“It’s alright,” you reassure him. “I know how it is. How can I help?”

“So I already have this path carved out for me by my family and everyone who cares about me. Sports is all I have known all my life, and I have worked very hard to get here.” He stops for a brief second. “Everyone expects me to act like this all-star college boy, and no one ever talks to me about anything else than sports, and I am starting to hate it.”

“Do you mind telling me what kind of sports you’re in?”

“I play ball.”

“Okay, that's good. Well, what is it that you want?”

“I’m tired of being what everyone wants me to be: this golden retriever everyone loves. I just want to be me.” You understood how he felt. Maybe not in sports, but people pushing you to be something you’re not. You come from a family of doctors and lawyers who expected you to be the same. “Get good grades so you can get into an Ivy League school” is all you heard growing up. When you were seven, you expressed interest in music, sitting in front of the family piano on Christmas and playing Jingle Bells, which you learned on your own. Your parents cared for a while, putting you in piano lessons and taking you all over the state for recitals. They figured if you kept this up until high school, it would look good on college applications, but nothing that they took you seriously for. It wasn’t until you learned how to play the guitar in secret that you fell in love with how the strings strummed against your fingers that you realized that your passion is music. Thanks to your choir teacher, you had a good voice and kept it in tune while practicing writing music. You soon sang in front of the school, getting high praise from people all over for your voice and how you would “make it big one day.” Your parents insisted that it was just a phase and that eventually you would become a doctor and make a “real” living. You were determined to prove them wrong by applying to one of the best music schools and getting in on a full ride. You did that, but it came with a cost: being cut off by everyone in your family but your grandparents. They believed in you from the beginning and made sure you were okay. You will pay them back in tenfold one day. “Hello?” the deep voice cut through your thoughts. “Y-yeah, sorry,” you snap back into focus. “Do you want my advice?” “Yeah, I do,” you hear him clear your throat. ‘I think you should be who you want to be. It may feel a little different at first, but eventually, you will be happier being yourself.” “I mean…” he pauses for another second. “How do I go about that? How do I show people the real me?” “Hmm,” you think out loud. “Why don’t you try easing into it? Start a random conversation about something you are interested in that no one knows about. Gauge their reactions, and if they treat you weirdly, then start making new friends. It might be a little harder with your family, but they will come around. But either way, it’s exhausting having to hide yourself at the time. It’s the 90s and a new era!” “Yeah,” he says slowly. I’ll try that.Thanks.” “No problem!” You say. “Check out this song that’ll hopefully speak to your heart. This is me signing off on CARAT Radio, 800am.” You played “You Gotta Be” by Des’ree, a personal favorite, closing out the end of your segment. Admittedly, it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. Sure, some questions were annoying, but it allowed you to pass on music to people and help them get over whatever. You can’t call that a total loss. You push the mic to the side and leave the room, checking in with your professor before leaving. “Great job,” she leaned back into her seat. “You were well-spoken and composed, and the music selections were excellent. Have you thought about being a radio DJ?” “NO,” you snort. “I want to be more behind the scenes, writing songs and getting Grammys.” “Okay, okay,” Professor Kim chuckles. “But don’t rule it out. You are a natural at it.” You nod and head out the door with a small smile. Getting complimented about your work feels good, but you rule out being a radio DJ. You deal with people if you have to, but you prefer to have time for yourself a lot of times. You’re just introverted like that. However, that last call was in the back of your mind. You just want to live and succeed at your dream job. It was nice knowing someone out there felt the same way you did.

Before you knew it, a few weeks had passed, and you had secretly liked doing the segment every Saturday, talking to people from different backgrounds and listening to their troubles. You had a song for every call, and you bragged to your professor at the end of your shift that you had impeccable taste. The analytics showed that more people were tuning in during your segment than at any other time on the radio. Not gonna lie; it stroked your ego quite a bit.

The mystery guy called in on Saturdays, ironically being caller #17 every time. He would call and ask for advice about getting his grades up, coming out of his comfort zone, trying new things, etc. You got to know him a little, see how he solves problems, and see his sense of humor. You have no idea what he looked like, but you imagined he was just your type, like a Keanu Reeves, Theo Mizuhara, or Merlin Santana. Is it crazy that you sometimes daydream about a man you never met?

Today was the last day of the advice segment, and everyone called in with their usual advice and well wishes. Like clockwork, the mystery guy was caller #17. His breathing was labored when you answered, followed by a clunk of metal hitting the floor. “Welcome to C.A.R.A.T radio. You are lucky caller number 17. What’s your damage?”

“H-hey.” You know it was him; the sound of his voice was familiar to you. You shift in your seat, sitting straight and placing your elbows on the desk. You try to keep a poker face, your professor watching you with curious eyes. “Hey there,” you clear your throat. “How can I help?” “I heard today is the last day to ask for advice,” he says. “I can’t say I won’t miss calling and hearing your voice every Saturday.” “Oh yeah?” you chuckle. “ That’s good to know. Well, what is the last piece of advice that I can give you?” “So, there is this girl,” he starts. “I really like her. She’s cute, a bit of a hard ass, and I really like her mind. She’s not like anyone that I’ve met. How do I ask her out?” “Does she know you exist?” “Yeah. I almost ran into her once, but we talked a lot.” “Ah. Do you think she might like you?” “I-I’m not sure,” he stutters. “We get along and everything and we have some things in common. I just don’t know if she would be into me.” “Okay, well, it wouldn’t hurt to ask her out? The worst that can happen is that she says no; at least you’d know.” “Yeah,” he sighs. “I’m nervous as hell, that’s all. Have you dated anyone before?” You are taken aback, your professor raising her eyebrows through the glass. You nod, licking your lips before responding. “I’ve dated here and there,” you say slyly. “It wasn't anything serious. What about you?” ‘Um, yeah, I have,” he snorts.

“Well, there you go then, tiger.” You’re clearly entertained by this conversation. “Remember how you felt when you asked the other girls out, and apply that same confidence to this girl. You never know. She might say yes.” “Okay, I will take your word for it. Thank you.” “Not a problem!” You beam. “Here is the last song I leave you with: ’ 4-page letter’ by Aaliyah. Have a good night, ya’ll.”

You play the final track of the night, setting down the headphones while Professor Kim claps her hands in applause. You roll your eyes playfully, pushing your chair onto the desk and exiting the booth. You feel light as a feather, dopamine taking over your body as you meet your professor in her office. “Great job,” she smiles. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” “Maybe,” you plop down on a chair. “It was fun giving out music suggestions.” “Mhmm,” she nods. “Well, get out there and enjoy your Saturday. I will see you in class on Friday.” You grab your things and leave the station, your stomach rumbling and your mouth parched. It’s after 8, and the nearest thing open is the local pizza joint with the best pepperoni pizza with the cheesiest cheese you’ve ever had. You go there often, and the owners, Dante and Gabriella, get your order ready before you sit down. “The usual?” they always ask, knowing that you are a creature of habit. Aside from your grandparents, they were the closest thing to family to you, always making sure your pizza was hot and crispy with a tall cup of Coke to go with it. They asked about your studies, and Gabriella always asked when you’d get a boyfriend.

“Ah, stop it, amore mio,” Dante jokingly shushes her. “She has all her life to find the love of her life.”

More people started coming in, and they left you to your food and your walkman. You gleefully put Parmesan cheese over your pizza, taking the first bite and feeling instant gratification. A slice of heaven, literally. You take your headphones on, listening to Kurt Cobain croon on Nirvana’s Something In The Way. The “Nevermind” album got you through some tough times, especially when your family cut off communication with you. It hurt you and made you feel isolated and misunderstood. On the outside, your mom and dad put on this persona of being open-minded and willing to do anything for the family. Why were you the exception? You feel the tears well up, and you get yourself together before people start to notice, eating the rest of your pizza before you call it a night. You look around, seeing people on dates or hanging out with their friends, and you miss that. You had friends back home, but you all split up before you went to college. Who knows what their lives are like now. It’s not like you are visiting home anyway. You clean up your mess and walk into the bathroom, relieving yourself and washing your hands before returning to your dorm. You looked at yourself in the mirror: your jean jacket covered your black button-up shirt, shorts, and stockings underneath. Your eyes were slightly red, a contrast from your fresh face. Stifling a yawn, you leave and wave goodbye to Dante, opening the side door and bumping into someone in the process. You look up, facing Soonyoung, his cheerful eyes meeting yours. “We gotta stop meeting like this,” you mutter, backing up and adjusting your jacket. “Yeah, we shouldn’t,” he responds, opening the door to let you out. Your head snaps up, half expecting him to not hear you. You rake your fingers through your hair, walking out of the restaurant. He’s a handsome guy, you can admit that, with his fresh, faded haircut and trendy clothes. You get why he is popular with everyone. “I’m sorry for almost hitting you with my car the other day,” he calls out. “It’s alright,” you turn around. “Just don’t make it a habit.” “Alright.” He chuckles and goes inside, and you speed walk to your dorm. Did I just flirt with him? You think to yourself. What the fuck was that? You aren’t even interested in Soonyoung in that way. You two are the two opposites of each other. You’re clearly losing your mind.

The cool air calms you down, and the slight breeze underneath the moonlight keeps you at bay until you get to your building. It’s Saturday night, and everyone’s out; the only sound being heard is your boots hitting the tiled floor as you walk down the hallway to your dorm. Unlocking your door, you notice an envelope tucked underneath it. You sit on the bed, open it, and pull out a letter. I know this isn't a four-page letter, but I like you. You’re funny, have good jams, and are down to earth. Did I say that you’re cute? I like talking to you every Saturday and don’t want it to stop.

I want to take you out to a concert on Friday. I’ll pick you up at 4 at your dorm. I know you've said yes if you’re there when I arrive. —Caller #17

“What do you think of this?” Your former roommate and good friend, Nikki Prince, holds up a black leather jacket in your size. You asked her to go shopping with you for an outfit for tomorrow's impending date, and you needed another set of eyes. She majors in architecture and design but models on the side thanks to her striking looks. A tall, tanned skin and green-eyed beauty, she now lives with her much older chef boyfriend, Caelan, but whenever you need her, she’s always there. She’s French, stylish, and brutally honest. You loved that about her. “I dig that,” you take it from her and try it on. It fits you just right. It would be chilly, so you bought new boots, a white shirt, and black jean shorts to wear with black stockings underneath. You wanted to be comfortable as you would be on your feet all night.

“Are you sure about this date?” Nikki’s foreign accent comes through. “How do you know this guy isn’t some serial killer? We’ve all seen Scream.” “Gee, thanks, mom,” you roll your eyes. “If he tries anything with me, I’ll just show him the moves I learned from the YMCA.”

“I’m serious. This is risque for you, no?” You shrug, slowly taking off the jacket and heading to the cashier. “I get your point, and if anything happens, I can defend myself. But I have a feeling that it won’t happen.” You greet the cashier and pay for the jacket. “I’ll call you before I leave and tell you about it the next day. Deal?” Nikki nods, and you both walk out of the store, satisfied with what you bought. The mall is busy for a Thursday night, with young adults frolicking at stores like Rave and Wet Seal, looking for the latest fashion trends. The mall isn’t really your scene, as you prefer to thrift shop for your clothes. You have been lucky to find some hidden gems there, especially since you are on a limited budget. Nikki, however, said it was a special occasion, and you quote, “You are not going on a date in someone else’s vêtements.”

You stop at Auntie Anne’s, buying a massive pretzel with cheese on the side, while Nikki opts for a small lemonade. You offer her a piece, which she declines, saying her boyfriend, Caelan, will make her dinner later. “How is that going, by the way?” You sit down at a table. “It’s going good,” she enthuses, raking her fingers through her long black tresses. “He’s so mature and sophisticated. Imagine not having to cook and clean after a man and have good sex.” “Well, yeah, he’s about six years older,” you remark. He better know a thing or two if he wants to keep his model.” Nikki gloats as you finish your pretzel, talking about the elaborate French dishes her boyfriend makes for her and how he worships the ground she walks on. Since you’ve known her, she has always been opinionated and refused to associate with people within your age group. Whenever you see her in the hallways, she always talks with teachers or ignores the lustful looks of college boys. You two got on well because you were roommates, and both were Scorpio risings. You understood each other. “Oh shoot, I better head back to the flat,” Nikki says, looking at her watch. Caelan is going to be home soon, and he is making steak frites tonight.”

“Yeah, I gotta head to the dorm anyway. Early class tomorrow.”

You walk out of the mall into the chilly night air. She offers you a ride home, and you decline at first, saying that you will walk as it's pretty close. But a slight wind blows, bringing chills down your spine.

“Wait,” you shout after her. “I’ll take that ride.”

The ride was short and quiet, your mind occupied with your date with this mystery stranger. Nikki was right, you don’t know him, and he could be this crazy guy. But you’re also excited; the butterflies haven’t left your stomach since Saturday. You feel like you know him, and you don’t even know his name. He is just caller #17.

She pulls up to your building, and you hug her, preparing to run inside and shower. You know Nikki is still worried and means well, even if she sometimes acts like an overbearing old sister.

“Come over tomorrow at two if you can,” you announce. “You can help me get ready and meet my date in case anything goes crazy.”

“Alright,” Nikki seems relieved. “I’ll be there.”

You shut the door and shout your goodbyes before sprinting inside.

“Love you!”

“Yeah, yeah!”

The next day went fast, like a blur. You slept past your alarm and woke up after twelve, making you two hours late.

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK,” you shout as you scrambled out of bed and tripped over a blanket. You throw on a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater from the University, your hair in a wild ponytail as you brush your teeth and high-tailed it out the door. You ran to class, forming an apology along the way, your heart beating out of your chest. You are met, however, with a closed door and a white paper plastered on the door:

NO CLASS TODAY. ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND.

“Really?” You huffed, leaning against the wall. It’s not like you are late for class; your alarm was

set despite you being up late last night. But whatever, fuck it. You aren’t about to let this ruin your day.

The leaves flow softly with the wind as you walk back to your dorm, the sun playing hide and seek in the clouds. All you can think about is tonight and what concert you are going to. Maybe it’s a huge concert, and that’s why he is picking you up early… or perhaps it’s a local indie band at a bar. Your mind runs with endless possibilities, excitement pumping through your veins. You aren’t a hopeless romantic or a love-at-first-sight kind of person, but something about this person makes you feel good… like you finally have someone who can relate to you on some level. Granted, you have only talked with him on the phone, but you have a gut feeling and are rarely wrong about these things. You finally return to your dorm and take a well-needed shower, washing and detangling your hair with much-needed privacy. Your dorm has shared showers; you usually take them when everyone is asleep at night. Fortunately, there were only a few people, allowing you to have time for yourself. You allow yourself to think of the water running down your body as him, his hands caressing your body, his lips maybe touching yours— “Is anyone in here?” You snap out of your daydream quickly, and the water turns cold right on queue. “Y-yeah?” “I am here to clean the showers,” a woman’s voice calls from the door. “O-okay, give me a second.” Cursing silently, you quickly step out and dry yourself, throwing on your robe and grabbing your shower caddy before exiting the bathroom. You are met by an older woman wearing a shirt representing your college and sweats, with cleaning supplies in tow. “You were in there for a while,” she remarks as she sets out the wet floor sign. Do you have a hot date tonight?” “Something like that,” you shrug. You walk back to your room, and to your surprise, Nikki is outside your door. “You’re early,” you remark, unlocking the door. “Yes, I know,” she said. “But we will need more than two hours to get yourself right.” “You act like I can’t dress myself,” you scoff. “I just wanted your company, that’s all.”

“Oh yeah? Mon ami, when was the last time you changed your makeup?” You open your mouth to rebuttal but close it immediately. You hate to say it, but Nikki’s right. It’s not like you are going anywhere besides school, the music store, and the pizzeria. “Exactly,” Nikki says, setting her stuff down on her bed. “I went and got you makeup close to your teint, just in case.” She pulls out brand-new makeup from Revlon from mascaras, concealers, powders, and assortments of lipsticks of my choosing. She also bought nail polishes, saying it was time to add some color to your life. As much as you want to roll your eyes at her, she is right. As harsh as Nikki seems sometimes, she has a big heart and always looks out for you when you least expect it. You know a thing or two about style, but she takes it to a whole different level and isn’t shy about giving advice on it. You appreciate her so much. Being honest with yourself, you are nervous as hell. You have had crushes before, but you have never been pursued like this, where someone likes you enough to ask you out formerly, even if it was via a note. This person cares about your mind or seems to. You aren’t sure how to feel; you want to be excited and have a good time, but you have a wall up for a reason. You don’t want to be disappointed again like your family has. You figured if the people you love the most can abandon you like that, there is no hope for you out there. You lived with that hard truth for a long time, and you were content with that. But god, this guy has you curious. “What’s on your mind?” Nikki finishes with your makeup and hair, gazing at you through the mirror. “Butterflies in my stomach are killing me,” you grimace. “I can’t believe I am even doing this.” “Oh, relax,” she blows a raspberry. “You always do this thing where you talk yourself out of things you deserve. Stop that. D'accord? “Yes, mother,” you tease. She sucks her teeth, and you get dressed, putting on the new clothes you bought and your black leather boots. Checking out your appearance, you are satisfied with your look, and Nikki gives you a thumbs up while she cleans up. Knock, Knock! You look at the door, the butterflies fluttering deeper in your stomach. You look in the mirror one last time as Nikki opens the door, a brief silence followed by a heart chuckle. “Mon ami, your date is here.”

You see him, and you're stunned. It dawns on you why he’s here, and you feel your heart drop all the way to your ass. This has to be some kind of joke. “Soonyoung? What are you doing here?” He walks more into your view, wearing a grey jean jacket with matching pants. His right hand is in his pocket, and he has a small bouquet of irises in his other hand. “I’m here to take you to the concert?” Nikki is behind him, trying to keep her composure and mask her giggles. Of all the people you thought would show up, Soonyoung was the LAST person on your mind. This is the person who was calling in every Friday and wanting to talk to you? Yeah fucking right. “What happened?” you accost him. “Did you lose some bet, and you had to ask me out? Or do you feel bad for almost hitting me with your car?” “No?!” he scoffs, clearly offended. “I mean, yes, I feel bad about almost hitting, but no one dared me to do anything. Do you think I am that kind of person?” “Well, yes.” You wish you could take back what you said, but it was too late. You knew you hurt his feelings, the crestfallen look on his face saying it all. “This was a mistake,” he sighs dejectedly. “Sorry, I wasted your time.” He handed Nikki the flowers and walked away, the air feeling thick and awkward. You couldn’t even look at her in the eyes. You knew you fucked up. “Well, that was awkward,” you huff. “And shitty.” You raise an eyebrow at her, and she stares you down. You don’t want to feel worse than you already do, and Nikki isn’t helping. “Honestly, I think the guy was telling the truth,” Nikki surmises. “He looked like a sad puppy.” You think about this caller #17 guy who would call in every week and share his thoughts with you about everything, with you having to do very little. You think about how scared he felt about being his true, authentic self and how much courage it probably took to ask you out. You know you are a tough cookie to crack and understand better than anyone how it feels to go against the grain and be who you are. “I fucked up Nik,” you slump on your bed. “Yeah, you did.” God, you hate her bluntness sometimes, but she’s right. You need to go find him and make this right. “Do you think he’s still here?” you ask, sitting up and grabbing your purse. “He couldn’t have left that fast.” “Only way to find out is to get off your ass and find him,” she says, pulling your arm. “Go find your guy.” You both rush out of your dorm, jogging down the hallway and out of the building, looking for a silhouette of him. You were scared you missed him and felt defeated, not seeing any sight of him anywhere. Surveying the area one last time, you noticed a black Jeep peeling out of the parking lot. It stops at the stop sign, the second to last car to go. This is your only chance. “WAIT!”

You sprint towards the car, barely meeting him as he is about to turn.

“STOP,” you exhale, relieved that you caught him. “Don’t go.” Soonyoung steps out as you rest your hands on the hood of his car, trying to catch your breath. He touches your arm, his hands soft as silk, sending shocks throughout your body.

“Are you okay?” He asks, taking a good look at you.

“Aside from me about to pass out, I’m good.” You take a deep breath. “Listen. I’m sorry. I was a jerk and an asshole and—”

“MOVING YOUR FUCKING CAR!”

A middle-aged woman leans out of the window and gives you the bird, followed by a slew of car horns beeping in annoyance behind you and Soonyoung.

“Fuck,” Soonyoung curses, realizing the amount of cars behind him. “Get in the car.”

You both get in the car and drive off from the angry drivers, pulling into the nearest gas station. You sit with your hands in your lap, this weight of regret sitting on your chest and guilt eating you from the inside. You look at him, and he seems surprisingly relaxed as if you didn’t reject him

not even thirty minutes ago.

“I’m going to get some gas,” he announces. “Wait here.”

You watch him walk inside to pay and let out the deepest, most agonizing sigh. He should be calling you every name in the book, and rightfully so, as you insulted him. Why is he being so nice? Does he really like you that much?

He returns a few minutes later, shoving his pockets with change left over, and you both lock eyes with each other. In another situation, you would’ve been able to appreciate his good looks, trendy clothes, and tiger-like appearance. But instead, you feel sick to your stomach, disappointed in how you acted. You look down, twiddling your thumbs until he finishes pumping his gas and returning to the car. This is not like you at all. “Hey,” he says. “Hi,” you stammer. “I’m sorry again. I feel like a terrible person, and I shouldn’t have bit your head off like that.” “I know you were intense, but Jesus Christ,” he exhaled. “Why do you think I wouldn’t be interested in you? You made it seem like I lost a bet to ask you out. You made me feel like crap.” Every word felt like a punch in the gut, and you deserved it. Despite your parents' many flaws, they always taught you not to judge a book by its cover, and that’s precisely what you did. You were pretentious and stuck up about him. In some ways, you aren’t any different from them. “I guess…” your voice trails off. “I just saw you as the athlete that everyone is in love with. Your friends, I know the type, and we’ve never really crossed paths with each other unless I was bumping into you or almost getting hit by your car.” “So… you saw me as the very thing I told you I didn’t want to be seen as.” You didn’t have to answer back. You both knew the answer, and it was eating you up inside. “I’m sorry, I am just gonna go.” Before he could stop you, you exited the Jeep and started walking back toward your dorm. You are embarrassed and can never face him again. This is why you don’t don’t talk to anyone. This is awkward; it feels weird. You lose yourself in your thoughts until you reach the street light, waiting for your turn to go. The air is slightly chilly than usual, the smell of the ocean taking over your senses that you would enjoy any other time. Yeah, a walk to the beach sounds nice, you say to yourself just as the street signal turns green. You feel someone’s hand pulling you away, and you twirl around, facing Soonyoung’s back as he takes you back to his car.

“You’re dramatic as hell, you know that, right?” He shouts over his shoulder. “You didn’t even let me respond; you just hopped out like you were on the run.”

You stayed silent. What more could you say? He was right. He opens the passenger side, letting you slide in and shutting the door behind you. A few seconds later, he is on your other side, turning on the ignition.

“You not a terrible person,” he breathes. “A terrible person wouldn’t come sprinting out of their doom in boots and a nice outfit trying to apologize. You said you’re sorry, and it’s fine.” “Is it?”

“I mean, I’ll get over it,” he shrugs. “I wouldn’t have pulled you back here if I didn’t want to be around you. Now, do you still want to go back and forth about this, or do you want to make it up to me by going to this concert?” It’s a brief moment of silence as you seriously consider your options. You can tell Soonyoung is still bothered by what you did, but his small smile clarifies your decision. “Lead the way, tiger.”

He chuckles as he pulls out of the lot, pulling into a line of cars headed in the same direction. The sun starts to set, the golden hour hitting the horizon at the sea. You fold your arms, confused as to why he is being so nice to you, despite you being a bitch to him earlier. You haven’t felt forgiveness in a long time, which feels foreign. Uncomfortable. You hope this feeling will go away as the night goes on.

You mainly rode in silence aside from the music on the radio, and the hour trip to the venue seemed to be double that. You pull up to Bayfront Amphitheater, packed to the brim with people screaming their hearts out to the band onstage. Your heart skips in excitement, realizing what concert Soonyoung took you to.

“The Foo Fighters?” you grin, unbuckling your seatbelt. “I’ve been wanting to see them forever.: “Yeah, I remember you were talking about it on the radio, so I figured why not,” his voice trails off.

Your heart feels like it is going to burst at the seams. This is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you, and you had the nerve to be a bitch to him earlier.

“Hey,” you clear your throat. “I’m sorry again. I feel really shitty about it.”

“I know,” he says. “Look, let’s just enjoy this concert, and I’ll forget about it, okay?” You nod, walking towards the loud music. The rhythm of the drums and guitar blended together, hyping the crowd. You let Soonyoung lead the way, checking your tickets and guiding you to your seats. The crowd is thick, with the smell of cigarettes and alcohol flowing freely, and everyone is caught in their own zone. You wouldn’t say you are claustrophobic, but being packed like sardines isn’t your definition of a good time. Soonyoung notices your discomfort and grabs your hand, holding tight until he finds your assigned seats. You felt safe with him, a tiny spark in you that made you swoon.

“Are you okay?” He shouts over the noise. “Do you want a beer or anything?” “Nah, I’m good,” you shake your head.

The opening act finishes their set, the crowd politely cheering as the members walk off the stage. There is a small intermission, with people disbursing from their seats to grab drinks or making quick trips to the bathroom. You can feel Soonyoung looking at you, his eyes burning into the left side of your face. You lick your lips and pull strands of your hair to the back of your ear, a blatant attempt at flirting.

“Are you gonna stare at me all night?” You feel bold, turning your body towards him. “I might,” he purrs. “I have a beautiful, mysterious girl sitting beside me.”

“I’m not that mysterious. We’ve been talking for weeks.” ‘Yeah, in front of thousands of people on the radio. Now I have you all to myself, and I want to get to know the real you.”

“Uh huh,” you nod. “Well, I’m always the same on and off air. You’ll see.” “I hope so.” He smiles at you, and gotta admit the man can flirt. Soonyoung is devastatingly handsome, and he’s quick with his words. It excites you. You like being around people you can banter with and not take shit personally. It takes a load off your shoulders, not having to hold yourself back every time. You just want to be you and be free. It feels like Soonyoung is chasing the same thing.

“I wouldn’t have predicted you’d be into rock bands like the Foo Fighters. What made you want to go to their concert aside from me?”

“Well, you might be surprised to hear this, but I actually like the band,” he laughs. “I’ve been following them since their debut.”

“Really?” you say. “That’s cool.” “What?” Soonyoung leans closer, your shoulder barely touching his. “Do I not seem like the Foo Fighters type?” “Aht aht,” you playfully wave your finger at him. “I’m not getting tripped up on that question.” You fell into a rhythm of laughter that felt natural as if you had been doing this all your life. Despite your fuck up, he makes you feel cozy and open. The sun makes one final appearance, shining its glorious light on his beautiful, tanned skin. You can fully admit to yourself that he’s handsome as fuck, taking him all in before the sun dips below the horizon. “No, but seriously, I don’t seem like the type to be into them?” You pause before responding, being careful with your answer. “On the surface, no. But I am learning that there is more to a person than meets the eye.” There is a comfortable silence between you two, the sweet-smelling breeze keeping you at bay as you sit and enjoy each other’s company. You have so much you want to say but don’t simultaneously. You savor this tiny bit of peace with him. “I think I am gonna grab a drink,” Soonyoung gets up suddenly. “Do you want anything?” “Yeah, like a juice or something.” You watch him leave, checking out his ass as he stands in the concessions line. Nice and firm, definitely a football player’s ass. You look away before being caught, watching the crew prepare for the next act. You feel like a young girl who just realized you have a crush on a boy. You’re giddy inside, hypersensitive to everything around you and how you look. You hope he finds you as attractive as he says he does, or if not, keep up the lie a little longer. You’ve been dealt many disappointments in your life, and you can’t let this be one of them.

“Here. I got you a lemonade.”

You gaze up at Soonyoung, carefully grabbing the cup from his hand. He has a cup of beer in the other, sipping before making a face. You laugh in your cup, tasting your sweet drink with some tart. You feel refreshed and a little bit alive, thanks to him. “Ladies and gentlemen, who’s ready for the FOO FIGHTERS?”

The crowd erupts into a roar as the band joins the stage, getting their placements to perform. Jolts of electric excitement course throughout your body, screaming your heart out before the first string is played on the guitar. You’ve always wanted to see them in concert, being a huge fan of Nirvana and following Dave Grohl after. Despite everything, he seems like a rad guy, and

if you ever had the opportunity, you would want to pick his brain and jam out with him. “ARE YOU MUTHAFUCKERS READY?” Dave Grohl shouts into the mic.

You both scream as the first song is played, the drums scratching the excellent part of your brain while the guitars take you to another level. You look at Soonyoung, his attention on the band with his arms folded, in awe of the performance being given. He looks adorable, and all you can do is smile, satisfied that you are in this space and can experience this moment. The band keeps playing hit after hit, the energy around you making you want to levitate in the clouds. You haven’t been this happy in a long time. You reach the last song of the night, and the key changes, the guitars riffing into a song you know all too well. “I want everyone to sing this song with us— this is for the regular heroes out there.”

You feel the emotion and intensity in Dave Grohl’s voice, making you emotional. The song is about the ordinary person and their potential; you wish your family saw your potential. You wish you could share your music with them and see you thrive in the elements you’re most comfortable in. But instead, you’ve been cast out, and as much as you worked hard to get over it, it hurts you deeply. “Are you okay?” Soonyoung looks at you wide-eyed; you’re unaware of the tears trickling down your face. All you want to do is be held and told everything will be okay. As if he read your mind, he holds your hand, his thumb rubbing your palm softly, keeping you anchored in your emotional storm. Nothing else needed to be said between you two; the song lyrics moved your spirit. Kudos, my hero

Leavin' all the mess

You know my hero

The one that's on

There goes my hero

Watch him as he goes

There goes my hero

He's ordinary

“Thank you for taking me to the concert. I had a really good time.”

You sit with Soonyoung in his car, sitting outside of your dorm. You talked about music all the

way back home, singling your hearts out to whatever is on the radio. Soonyoung is surprisingly a good singer, hitting some notes even better than you can. You wonder if he had any training. “I’m glad I was able to make it up to you,” he grins. “Oh, please,” you wave him off. I’m the one who started us on the wrong foot.” “True. But I think you more than made up for it tonight.” “Yeah, yeah,” you roll your eyes playfully. “Can I ask you something?” “Sure.”

“Why were you crying during the concert?” You knew this question would come eventually, but you still felt unprepared. You hadn’t really talked about your family life with anyone besides Nikki, but you were determined to keep it to yourself. But he makes you want to open up. “The song really hits me,” you point at your chest. “I feel every word and every percussion note as it plays. It reminds me of my mom and dad, and I wish they saw me as a normal person with their own aspirations rather than the person they want me to be. It was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Soonyoung nodded his head, understanding what you were saying.

“My parents wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer, and I just don’t see myself doing that. I fell in love with music and singing, and when I shared that I wanted to do songwriting full-time, they made me feel so low. Like I am stupid and naive for wanting a career, I would actually be happy.” You huff, wiping fresh tears off of your face. “I just wanted them to support me, but they couldn’t even do that. Aside from my grandparents, they cut me off completely.” “That’s not cool,” Soonyoung scoffs. “So they just went cold turkey and quit talking to you?” You nod, bitterly reliving the last conversation you had with them before you made no contact. “Why can’t our parents just let us live the lives we want? It’s like they want to live vicariously through us.” “Right?!” You exclaim. “See, you get it!”

“Unfortunately, yeah,” he mumbled. You turn your body to look at him, studying his face and the possible thoughts he is having. You may see more eye to eye than you realize. ‘So, what’s your damage?” You poke at him. “It’s the same as yours,” he revealed. “They just want me to keep playing basketball so I can go into the big leagues and take care of everyone. I am essentially everyone’s meal ticket.” “Well, you don’t have to be,” you say. “You could just say fuck ‘em and live for yourself.” “Easier said than done,” he sighs. “I’m the first person in my family to attend college, and I actually like playing basketball. I believe in it, bleed it, all that… but whenever I am around my folks or friends, that’s all they want me to be about it. It’s like I’m not real. I am a person with complex interests and feelings, too.”

“I know exactly what you mean, tiger.”

You smile reassuringly; you understand that last sentence all too well. Your family would rather consider you the family fuck up, the black sheep, instead of understanding that you wanted different things. Why is that so fucking complicated? You stifle a yawn, looking at your watch and seeing how late it was.

“I really like talking to you and being around you,” Soonyoung confesses. I hope we can do it more.” “Yeah,” you gaze into his eyes. “ I would love that.” He walks you to your dorm, opens the doors, and holds your waist as you walk up the steps. His hands bring jitters and butterflies in your stomach that you hope you can experience more. You know you have a hard, cold exterior on the outside, but deep down, you want to feel love and adoration from someone. You hope Soonyoung can bring that.

You never want this feeling to go away.

“Thank you for walking me in,” you say, unlocking the keys to your room. “I know I was being a bitch early, but thank you for showing me a good time anyway.”

“It was worth it, seeing a smile on your face.”

“Was it?”

“Yeah,” he leans in closer. “I want to see it more.”

His lips touch yours, your chest bursting like fireworks as he deepens the kiss. Your arms rest on his shoulders, feeling natural and comfortable like a glove. He is gentle and kind, not doing too much but making you feel safe and like you can depend on him. It's crazy how one kiss can have you seeing your future.

“We should do that more often,” you joke, leaving one last peck. He chuckles, pulling you into a hug. “We will. I’ll make sure to do it more often.”

“Okay,” you say, walking into your dorm. “I’ll hold you to it.”

#kvanity #kwritersworldnet #svthub #svt fanfic #svt oneshot #svt scenarios #svt imagines #soonyoung fanfic #soonyoung x reader #soonyoung fluff #soonyoung angst #svt fluff #svt angst #hoshi fluff #hoshi angst #hoshi x reader

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onlymingyus · 18 days

Text

Guilty (teaser)

pairing; kwon soonyoung x f reader / lee jihoon x f reader

genre; smut (minors dni), angst, toxic, fluff

summary; you and soonyoung learn that the storm can only be weathered for so long before you need a lift raft to hold on to. but what happens when neither of you reach for each other in that storm?

warnings; cheating, toxic relationship dynamics, car accident, injuries, hospital, arguing, eating/drinking, pet names, crying (from pleasure and sadness), unprotected sex, oral (m & f receiving/giving), fingering, marking/biting, impact, dom!jihoon, dirty talk, less than ideal sexual experiences, i mean...there is just a lot -- i probably missed something.

w/c; 23.6k ( 1.3k and some change -- this teaser)

a/n; thank you so so much to my @onlyhuis for proofreading and being my rock while i wrote this bitch. this one was out of my comfort zone but i really wanted to try to dive into angst and something a bit more toxic with my plot. i hope you enjoy it.

this fic will be released sunday 4/14 at 3 pm est to read it now subscribe to my patreon and click here

3 missed calls from Soonyoung❣️

Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes, you sigh at the notification on your lock screen, thinking about the number of times you had tried to call him the day before only to get his voicemail. You think about the number of text messages that you have sent as you unlock your screen, looking at the four messages waiting for you.

When Soonyoung told you about his job opportunity, you were excited for him. Dancing was his life and his biggest passion, with teaching coming in as a close second. The main drawback of the job offer was that he would be gone for a year and be in another country.

Promises had been made to one another in an attempt to make the distance easier. You both promised to visit when you could and to keep in touch every single day. Things were easier said than done, it would seem.

Soonyoung ❣️: I got in late.

Soonyoung ❣️: I know you are going to be mad at me.

Soonyoung ❣️: Call me when you wake up

Soonyoung ❣️: Love you

You sigh, laying your phone down next to you after reading over the messages. Lately, they were all starting to look the same. There was always a “I got in late” message waiting for you and a “call me when you wake up" message waiting for you after a day of trying to keep in touch on your part. You knew he was working hard, but so were you.

Sliding out of bed, your phone in tow, you leave it on the counter as you turn on the shower, letting the bathroom fill up with steam. It wasn’t like Soonyoung would know the exact moment you woke up anyway. He barely remembered the local time anymore, much less your schedule. He had made you wait. Now he could wait.

Soonyoung knew he should be asleep. He had to wake up early to get to the studio but he was staring at his phone and hoping you would call him. He had checked the time back home at least five times and it was a Tuesday, which meant you had to get ready for work soon.

Sighing loudly, Soonyoung scrolls back through the text messages that he had missed from you throughout the day. He hadn’t meant to ignore you; he never did. Time wasn’t his greatest ally lately and long days had turned into even longer nights.

Y/N 😘: Hope you are having a good day babe

Y/N 😘: Missing you

Y/N 😘: Hope class has gone well. You are amazing ❣️

Y/N 😘: I’m going to bed

Y/N 😘: Hope I get to talk to you tomorrow. I love you

Kicking his legs out from under the covers, Soonyoung knocks his head back against the headboard. He groans under his breath as he gives in to his impatience, pressing down on your name and placing the phone up to his ear to listen to it ring. One ring, two rings, a third, and then your sweet voice tells him that you can’t come to the phone. Were you ignoring him?

The sound of your ringtone makes you furrow your brows, your eyes closed, as water runs down your face towards your lips. You were almost done with your shower but you were almost certain you weren’t hearing things, especially when your phone rings for a second time. Wiping the water from your face, you rush to get out of the shower, wrapping a towel around you, just as the second call from Soonyoung goes unanswered.

He had begun to turn over, a scowl on his face, when his phone lit up with a picture of your face. Staring at his phone for a few seconds, Soonyoung presses his tongue against his cheek before finally answering.

“Hello?”

You could hear the disappointment in Soonyoung’s voice and for a split second, you felt a pang of guilt. You forget about the number of calls that went unanswered the day before as you lean against the counter with a frown on your face.

“Hey, sorry, I was in the shower.”

Shrugging, Soonyoung also seems to forget how bad he felt about missing your calls and not responding to your text until late. Instead, he just thinks about himself and what he is feeling at the moment: frustration.

“Yeah, well, I asked for you to call me when you woke up, but I guess you didn’t check your phone.”

Looking down as water drips onto the tile, you feel Soonyoung’s words eat at your heart until you remember waking up and seeing your own messages from the day before. You remember listening to his voicemail time and time again, as you hoped he would pick up the phone even for a moment to say something to you.

“I did check it.”

Furrowing his brows, Soonyoung is taken aback by your sudden shift in attitude towards him. He had expected an apology and maybe your sweet, comforting voice to lull him to sleep but clearly that wasn’t happening.

“Oh? So you chose to ignore my messages and calls?”

“Like you chose to ignore mine, Soonyoung? Seriously…”

Your voice trails off as tears begin to well up in your eyes. There had been too many days recently that had started much like this one. You wanted to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how much you missed him, how much you loved him, and how proud of him you were that he was living his dream, but instead the two of you ended up in an argument.

Swallowing hard, Soonyoung closes his eyes as he sits up in his bed, running his fingers through his hair and listening to the sounds of your breath through the phone. He could tell you were crying. He had heard it enough times over the phone at this point to know exactly what it sounded like.

Now he was remembering seeing his phone light up throughout the day and checking it to see another missed call or text message from you. He remembered promising himself to call you back on the next break, only to get into a conversation with someone and lose track of time.

Shaking his head, Soonyoung hears a soft sob over the phone as he looks out of his window at the dark skyline of the city, knowing the sun was still rising where you were. He would give anything to be there with you now, to be able to hold you and to make this better but instead he was on the other side of the world and it felt like he might as well be on another planet.

“I’m sorry, baby. I–look, I don’t know what is wrong with me. It was a long day and when you didn’t answer my brain, just–” Shaking his head, Soonyoung stops to take a breath, deciding to stop giving you excuses. “I’m so fucking sorry. I love you so much.”

This was the part when you would normally fold and tell him how much you loved him and forgive him. You always forgave Soonyoung because he was working so hard and you knew it was important but you were starting to feel like you were less important. Wiping your cheek with your free hand, you shake your head and bite at your bottom lip as Soonyoung whines your name when you don’t speak to him right away.

“I have to get ready for work. I love you too. I hope you get some sleep.”

Closing his eyes, Soonyoung lets out a breath, feeling his heart sink at your words. You hadn’t accepted his apology and you hadn’t wanted to hear his excuses. You just wanted off the phone, and at this point, he couldn’t blame you.

“I–yeah, sure. Have a good day, babe.”

The sound of the call ending before you even say goodbye is what stuns Soonyoung the most. Dropping the phone into his lap, he stares at it for a moment, your picture looking at him from his lockscreen before the display goes dark.

READ THE FULL FIC NOW ON PATREON

#seventeen smut #woozi smut #hoshi smut #svthub #jihoon smut #soonyoung smut #seventeen angst #woozi angst #hoshi angst #jihoon angst #soonyoung angst #svt smut #svt agnst #seventeen x reader #woozi x reader #hoshi x reader #jihoon x reader #soonyoung x reader

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bookyeom · 1 month

Text

pairing: hoshi x reader word count: 3k warnings: kissing, reader is a bad dancer?

Author’s Note: this fic is part of the Thirteen Valentines event, but can be read as a standalone! also, i would suggest listening to the song listed below to get a feel for the vibe of the fic, but it’s not necessary.

dance with me by sarah kang ft. cody dear

'cause boy when i'm alone with you you make me wanna sway, wanna move

dance with me 나랑 춤출래? i don't care about where or when pick a song that never ends

You and Soonyoung have been stuck in some weird, uncharted territory for months now.

He’s your friend, but he’s also so much more than that. You know it, and you’re pretty sure he knows it, too.

You’d do anything for him, really. So when he asks you to meet him at the studio before you head home so that he can show you something new he’s working on, you don’t hesitate. Even though it’s midnight, and you’re exhausted from hours spent studying in the library – because Soonyoung is calling.

You can hear music as you approach the practice room, recognizing it as the song for the dance he’s been rehearsing for his final exam, so you’re surprised when you don’t see him through the windows at all. You turn the handle on the door to the room tentatively, opening it just enough to peek inside. And you smile.

Soonyoung is lying flat on his back near the wall closest to you, his chest heaving as he stares up at the ceiling. You watch as he marks the movements in small gestures from his spot on the floor, bobbing his head to the beat, as if he’s taking only half a break. You’ve been friends for quite some time now, and you know him well enough to know that his mind won’t settle until he’s perfected what he’s practicing. He’ll rest his body if he has to, if it makes him, but even then, you know he’s always going over choreo in his head. Like right now.

You wait until the song is finished, until there’s quiet, and then you speak. “I was invited here to see some dancing, but it looks like I’m in the wrong place.”

Soonyoung’s head falls back onto the floor as he looks over, a grin spreading across his lips when he meets your eyes. He’s looking at you upside down, and it makes you laugh. Then you’re suddenly not laughing anymore, because within seconds he’s pushed to his feet and is bounding over to wrap you in a warm, sweaty hug. Now, your heart is racing.

“Hi!” He beams, moving back to squeeze you by the biceps.

“Hey, Soonyoung,” you manage.

“I was just taking a break,” he explains, and you nod. “Don’t worry, that’s the first one I’ve taken all evening–”

You narrow your eyes at him. “I wasn’t worried before, but now I am, if you're telling me that’s the only break you’ve taken from dancing in the last four hours.”

He just laughs, letting go of you, and you roll your eyes. “Go sit over there, I’ll run it again. I don’t need you to help with much… There’s just this one part in the chorus where it feels a little stiff. Just tell me if anything feels,” he gestures into the air vaguely, “off.”

You nod, mock saluting him as you take your place on one of the chairs scattered along the wall on the other side of the room.

You watch as he sets up the song again, your cheeks warming when he begins shrugging off his hoodie. He’s turned away, his back and shoulders now on full display for you in the tank he’s wearing, and you can’t help but stare. You abruptly look down at your feet when he turns back towards you, the first beats of the song beginning to play. You look at him again as he zones in, squaring his shoulders and getting into position as he watches himself in the mirror.

You don’t have a single rhythmic bone in your body. Watching anyone dance is mind blowing to you, but especially Soonyoung. He’s incredible. Why he wants your advice on his dancing is beyond you, but he always insists, and you’ve never been good at denying him anything.

And why would you even want to deny this? This — a front row seat to one of the most beautiful works of art you’ve ever seen. Soonyoung takes your breath away all the time, but especially like this.

You’re so caught up in his movements that you don’t even recognize when the chorus hits, when it gets to the part you’re supposed to pay extra attention to. You’re in a trance, only snapping out of it when he makes one final turn, and the song ends. You blink, watching as Soonyoung returns to himself, the performer in him calming with every breath he takes. He lets his shoulders drop, lets his body relax, and then he lets out a loud sigh of relief. He crosses the room and joins you, falling into the chair next to yours, and drops his head onto your shoulder.

You remind yourself to breathe.

“So?” He’s still breathless. You suddenly remember why you’re there, why he asked you to come and what he asked you to do, and you flush when you realize that you were too dazed to really notice if anything was amiss.

“This is your best one yet,” you tell him honestly. Which is the truth, because despite your ogling, you would have noticed if anything was glaringly wrong.

“Really?”

You nod. “You’re amazing, Soonyoung.”

The words come out much softer than you intended, much more honest, and you can only hope he doesn’t read into any of it. He doesn’t say anything for a while, and you’re running out of reasons not to panic when he says, “Dance with me?”

Your eyes widen as he lifts his head and turns to you with a smile.

“What?”

He lifts his head from your shoulder and stands up, holding out a hand for you to take. “Come on,” he grins, wiggling his outstretched fingers when you don't move. “I’ll teach you some of the easier moves.”

You let him pull you up, even as you continue to protest. “Soonyoung, you know—“

“Come on,” he insists, “you can do it!”

You groan. “I really can’t, you know this! I can’t dance, Soonyoung, I—”

“You can’t dance well,” he corrects, and you level him with a glare. He just grins wider as he adds, “but I know you like to! I’ve seen you on our nights out.”

You willfully ignore how his last comment makes you feel, trying desperately not to flush crimson red at his observation. At the fact that he’s noticed these things. “Yeah, so you already know I look like an idiot.”

“You look,” Soonyoung counters, “like you’re having a lot of fun. I’ve seen the way you smile when you’re dancing with your friends.”

You try once more. “No one is judging me there.”

“No one is judging you here, either.”

You open your mouth but nothing comes out, because you can’t argue with that. You know he would never judge you – for anything. You huff, narrowing your brows as you give him a mock glare, but your shoulders fall in defeat. Soonyoung giggles – your favourite sound – and leads you into the middle of the room.

He doesn’t waste any time as he begins to guide you through what he claims is one of the easier steps to master, and to your surprise, you actually kind of get the hang of it. He’s a good teacher, you note, because of course he is, and you feel a bit less anxious with every “good job!” and cheer he sends your way.

You continue to practice the same small sequence for a bit. When Soonyoung places both arms on your shoulders and stares you directly in the eyes, you stop breathing for a second.

“Okay,” he says, “this is the last move of this part, but it’s a bit hard.” He draws his lip between his teeth, and you watch it happen, because what else are you supposed to do? You think he notices, because his mouth quirks up at the side, but he doesn’t say anything except for, “You up for it?”

You don’t think you say yes, but he begins to teach you, anyway. And he’s right – this last move is hard. He continues to encourage you, and you continue to try and try and try, and –

You let out an ungodly squeal when you finally land in the right spot, pumping a fist into the air. “Yes! I nailed that!”

You try one more time, two more times, and it’s not perfect — but you do it.

You don’t even notice the way Soonyoung is looking at you until after you do the move for the third time. When you do, your heart leaps into your throat. He’s got his arms crossed as he smiles over at you, soft, and you think there’s a pink flush on his cheeks that wasn’t there before. You try and tell yourself it’s from the dancing, even though you know it’s you that’s been exerting yourself for the last half hour, not him. He looks so fond, and happy, and there’s something else you can’t quite put a finger on. All you know is that it’s making your entire body warm.

“What?” You ask as steadily as you can manage.

He just shakes his head. Then he abruptly looks down as if shaking himself out of a stupor, a hand lifting to scratch at the back of his neck, and you’re frozen in place. What was that all about?

“High five,” he offers, cutting of your train of thought, and it takes you a second to register what he’s asking for.

And when your hand lifts to meet his, he doesn’t let go.

It all happens at once. His fingers intertwine with yours, his other hand finds your waist, and suddenly he’s so close to you that you forget how to think. You know there’s no mistaking the shakiness in the exhale that leaves you.

“Is this part of the choreo?” You finally manage, voice barely a whisper, and Soonyoung lets out a soft breath.

“No,” he admits, his voice low.

His hand slides around to your lower back, testing the waters further. His other hand falls from yours, his eyes searching for any sign of discomfort before he pulls you in even closer, like he can’t stop himself.

“What about this?” Your voice is so, so quiet.

“No.”

His voice is soft in the emptiness of the practice room around you. Your bodies are flush now, chest to chest, and you think that if he wasn’t holding you up, your knees would buckle. His eyes still haven’t left yours, waiting, though you don’t know for what. His gaze only breaks from yours to wander across your face; your eyes, your nose, your mouth. You can’t help the soft exhale that leaves you when his eyes find your lips, and you know he notices because you can feel his fingers tighten their grip on the back of your shirt.

Moments pass like that, and when you still don’t move away, Soonyoung lets out a soft breath of air that you didn’t realize he’d been holding. His next movements are slow and calculated, leaning forward to rest his forehead against yours, his eyes falling shut. Your hand lifts to his chest, and you’re surprised when you feel just how fast his heart is beating.

“Soonyoung?” You question softly after a moment, impressed that your voice even makes it out at all. He responds with an almost imperceptible shake of his head, his eyes still closed.

“I just… Just give me a second,” he murmurs, and your heart is racing so fast you’re sure he can hear it in the quiet of the practice room.

“Okay.”

You have no idea what’s going on. All you know is that you trust Soonyoung with your life, and if he needs a minute — you’ll give him ten. You think that maybe you’re the one who needs a minute, though, because you’re not sure how you’re still breathing, let alone standing upright with him this close.

So close that your breaths are mingling together in the small space that’s left between you, so close that you can count every single one of those beautiful eyelashes as they flutter against his cheek.

“I’m sorry,” he finally says, and your eyebrows furrow.

“For what?” Your hand moves of its own accord, moving from his chest to find his bicep and squeezing gently to remind him that he’s okay. He lets out a hum, but he still doesn’t open his eyes, and you’re almost worried now.

“I’m sorry if this is weird. If I’m being weird,” he elaborates. “It’s just that — well, honestly, ah,” he seems to attempt to squeeze his eyes shut even more, if that were possible. “I’ve really been wanting to kiss you lately — like, more than usual, which is already a lot — fuck, sorry.” He inhales sharply. “You just looked so cute watching me before, and dancing with me now, so I thought that I… and then you didn’t move away, so I thought that maybe you…” He trails off again, and you’re sure your ears are playing tricks on you.

You move your forehead away from his, and his eyes finally open at the loss of contact. When your gaze meets his, your breath is nearly stolen away from you. He looks terrified as he searches your face, his eyebrows furrowed, and you know him so well that you swear you can hear him overthinking everything. His grip loosens on the back of your shirt but he doesn’t let go, and you can tell he wants to speak again based on the way his mouth opens and closes, but he doesn’t. You haven’t moved, and he doesn’t either, and you know he’s letting you decide how to respond. He would give you all the space in the world if you asked for it, you know that.

You don’t want space, though.

“It’s not weird,” you finally say, a blush spreading across your cheeks as you speak. “I’ve been feeling like that, too.”

Soonyoung’s eyes widen, and he blinks slowly. He takes a moment, processing, and then he starts, “You—”

“I swear all I think about these days is kissing you,” you blurt out, and you’re not sure who’s blushing harder now, you or him.

Before you even know what’s happening, Soonyoung is surging forward to close the whisper of distance that remains between the two of you. Then his lips are pressed to yours, hot and slow and lingering, his hand lifting to your jaw to angle your face so that he can kiss you even deeper. You let out an almost pathetic sounding whimper at the intensity of the kiss, at how warm and soft and good his mouth feels against yours, and he hums in return.

When he pulls away, it takes a second for your own eyes to flutter back open. He’s smiling so wide that his eyes have turned into crescent moons.

“Holy fuck, Soonyoung.” You’re breathless, and you can tell he’s pleased with your comment as his thumb caresses the side of your jaw.

“So much better than I could have ever imagined,” he returns, and you flush. “And trust me, I’ve thought about it a lot.”

You move to bury your face in the space between his neck and shoulder, not caring at all that he’s sweaty and warm. His arms pull you in, holding you close to his chest, and you hum as he gently sways the two of you.

“Now neither of us has to wonder what it’s like anymore,” you say softly.

“You’re right,” he agrees, pulling you back so he can look down at you again. His hands clasp together at the small of your back as he leans forward to teasingly brush his nose against yours. “Now that I know what it feels like to kiss you, though, I’m definitely going to be thinking about it even more than I already was.”

Your arms wind your way around his neck. “Me, too.”

“I mean…” Soonyoung is grinning, smile so bright it could outshine the sun, as he says, “We could just… keep doing it.”

You pull him into you so abruptly that it makes you stumble, falling in a tangle of limbs down to the practice room floor. You wince as you land on Soonyoung, but he’s laughing as you roll off and onto your back beside him. You throw a hand over your eyes, and you can feel it as Soonyoung lifts onto his side next to you. A hand moves to trace patterns on your arm, and you can’t help the shiver that courses through you.

“You didn’t hurt me,” he murmurs, and you can still hear the smile in his voice.

“I know. I’m just… Embarrassed.”

Soonyoung’s fingers halt their motions as he finds your hand and brings your arm away from your face, entwining his fingers with yours. He continues to play with your fingers, his body firm against your side as he leans against you. “Why are you embarrassed?”

“I was trying to be sexy and I literally tripped us, Soonyoung. This is why you’re the dancer and I’m not.”

Soonyoung’s mouth moves slowly, almost painstakingly slow, as a smile takes over his face.

He doesn’t say anything, and you’re about to let out a whine because you’re even more embarrassed with him looking at you like that. But he sits up, bringing you with him. The soft smile on his mouth grows, and grows, and grows, until his grin has widened so much that it’s taken over his entire face.

“You like me,” he whispers, and you can’t help the giggle that tumbles past your lips. You flush, giddy over how giddy he is, and you nod.

“Yeah,” you whisper. “I really, really do.”

A/N: thank you so much to everyone for all the love on the other fics so far :) Sorry a new fic took so long, there's been a lot going on in my life that I did not foresee lol. Thanks for waiting xx

Please please please reblog if you can to spread the word, and check out the Thirteen Valentines masterlist! If you want to be added to the taglist, send me a message :) Your kind comments and reblogs don’t go unnoticed, I promise.

Taglist: @waldau @wqnwoos @gyuminusone@savventeen @eoieopda @minisugakoobies @wheeboo @lvlystars@darkypooo @christinewithluv @bella-l @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @iluvseokmin @seohomrwolf

(Strikethrough means it wouldn’t let me tag you, I’m sorry!)

#hoshi fluff #hoshi angst #soonyoung fluff #soonyoung angst #seventeen imagines #seventeen imagine #seventeen fluff #seventeen angst #seventeen x reader #seventeen x you #hoshi x you #hoshi x reader #ksy x reader #soonyoung x reader #thirteenvalentines #my writing #ksyfic

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rubywonu · 8 months

Text

𝗵𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗵𝗮𝗲

“horanghae.” “what the hell is that?”

summary: in which you fall in love with a tiger wannabe.

pairing: kwon soonyoung x fem!reader

genre: fluff, established relationship, meet-cute

warnings: the word ‘psychopath’, a swear word.

w/c: 0.6k

nia’s notes: @etherealyoungk this one is for you.

it was a typical tuesday at the cafe you work at. you started your shift an hour back and things were going slow since it was pretty early in the morning.

you were setting up for the rest of the day, placing syrups and toppings while listening to your music in your world. you flinched when the door opened, a bunch of guys storming in, all engaged in their own conversations.

you looked at the clock on the wall. 7:46 am. that was pretty early for a group of what you counted to be thirteen men. did that concern you? no. not at all, when you saw their attire. you squinted your eyes, not believing your sight.

is that a tiger onesie? you stared in shock at the man walking towards you. it was weird enough for a group of men to walk into a cafe at almost eight in the morning, but a grown ass man in a tiger onesie was a rare sight.

"uh. is everything alright?" the tiger man in front of you asked, concern on his face. you snapped out of your gaze and tried to look presentable but the curiosity didn't leave your face.

"ah. yes. what can i get you?" you plastered your work smile on your face and walked to the counter, ready to take their order.

"can i get six americanos, four warm coffees, and two toasted bagels please?" the man in front of you spoke in a cool and sophisticated manner, completely contrasting his outfit choice. "please take your time, no rush at all," he assured you with a small smile of y our face.

"sure. is that all?" you asked as you typed into the computer. he nodded his head, and you set out to make the order. it took quite a while as you moved from one end of the counter to the other, acquiring different ingredients.

after 15 minutes, everything was done and you placed it on the main counter, your eyes meeting the man.

"here's your order. six americanos, four warm coffees, and two toasted bagels." you pointed to each of the mentioned dishes in front of you. "what's your method of payment?"

"card." the man took out his card and gave it to you and you proceeded with the payment, the sharp orange colors distracting your mind every few seconds.

you swiped the card, and returned it. "your name, please?"

"kwon soonyoung."

an interesting name for an interesting man. the ends of your mouth lifted as you slowly said the name, testing each syllable while you typed it out.

"thank you for visiting, do come here again," you said. you smiled brightly at the man, who you know the name off. he too reciprocated your facial expression.

and then he did something that rendered you speechless.

"horanghae." soonyoung held up his hand and imitated a tiger's claw, and he sent a goofy smile to you.

you scrunched up your face in confusion. "what the hell is that?" your curiosity must have come off in a baffled way as soonyoung was laughing, the other men in the cafe staring at the scene in bewilderment.

"how about i explain it to you over dinner?" soonyoung asked you smoothly, laughing harder at your shocked face.

you scoffed, trying to hide the huge smile coming on your face. you failed miserably. "are you sure you're not a psychopath."

"i'm wearing a tiger onesie at 8:04 am on a tuesday morning. i think that question is self-explanatory." soonyoung gestured his outfit, the tip of his ears turning red in the process.

"sure," you answered, soonyoung had his mouth open after hearing what you said.

"really?" you nodded at soonyoung, you wrote your number on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

it was overall a weird day for you, but the weirdest act out of them all was the fact that a tiger wannabe just asked you on a date. and little did you know, that would be the first encounter with the love of your life.

tagging: @kflixnet . @caratsland . @pixieskie . @xomingyu . @fairyhaos . @kyeomyun . @wheeboo . @ylliris-hanniehae . @bangchansbae . @slytherinshua . @blue-jisungs .

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gyu-effect · 4 months

Note

are your requests still open? if they are then can you write a, hoshi x f!/gn reader where hoshi falls for a quiet but well-known (not popular) STEM student of his school and tries to approach her but is always unable to until he gets so mad and desperate that he literally walks up to her in a hallway?

(did this request stem from reading your gut-wrenching angst about soonyoung the other day? yes.)

PAIRING || Soonyoung x Female Reader

GENRES || Angst, Fluff

WARNINGS || seungkwan uses shit once

WORD COUNT || 1.9k

A/N || congratulations anon, you've finally done something i've been to dying to attempt: write a god damned fic thats more than 1.5 but less than 10k TT thank you so much for requesting this! and asdfghjkl poor yn did deserve a proper ending in that fic. requests are open !!!

TAGLIST || @romeosbreastmilk @y00nzin0 @cecedrake2217 @candidupped @ashkuuuu @hanicore @alyssng @weebotakuboy @angelfeverdream @aaniag @sea-moon-star @thepoopdokyeomtouched @hrts4hanniehae @caramyisabitchforsvtandbts @amethyistheart @k-drama-adict [if you want to be added to my taglist, fill in this form!]

[02:10]

he watched you through the corner of his eyes, his lips quirking up involuntarily into a small smile when he saw you giggling at the book you were reading.

“did you even hear what i was saying?”

soonyoung flinched at the sudden voice intruding his blissful thoughts of you, glaring slightly at the two boys standing opposite to him, one looking mildly amused while the other looked thoroughly annoyed.

“what?” he asked seungkwan, causing the latter to roll his eyes.

“seriously, if you like her so much, why don’t you just tell her that?” seokmin asked to which soonyoung shook his head. “i would tell her but there’s no way she would like me back. i mean, she’s such a perfect student! all straight a’s and perfect attendance and behaviour and what not. and i’m…the complete opposite.”

“excuse me?” seungkwan said. “how are you the complete opposite? okay, maybe you don’t get straight a’s but its not like you bunk class, talk back to professors or act like a complete delinquent or something. and who knows, she might like you back.”

soonyoung looked at him dryly. “might?”

“well, i’m pretty sure she would have noticed your fifteen failed attempts to talk to her-”

“oh god, please don’t bring that up.” he groaned, burying his face in his hands.

talking to you shouldn’t have been that hard. it wasn’t like you were a very popular student and had a huge crowd around you (well, you were still very well known and always had people asking for your help in something or the other but that shouldn’t have stopped him from trying to flirt with you) but the number of times he had tried to approach and had failed was really, really embarrassing. how ill fated was he that right at that moment something would pop up and you would leave or someone else would call you away?

and just how big his crush was on you that he was this desperate even after so many attempts? soonyoung had always considered himself as a fickle person, if he couldn’t get to know the person he liked within a few attempts, he would just forget about it and move on in life.

but you, you had caused him to be stuck in the exact same place for months like glue. what had started as an ordinary admiration had quickly turned into infatuation and before he knew it, he was heads over heels with you.

soonyoung loved everything about you. he adored your mannerism, your dedication and hard work and especially how you always managed to take control of any situation thrown at you. and also, he loved, loved your cute smile and the sound of your laughter.

“hey, y/n’s free now.” seokmin commented. “why don’t you go and talk to her now?”

soonyoung looked up and turned to you, his heart skipping a beat when you too happened to look in his direction right at that time. you smiled at him softly and waved, and all he could was chuckle back nervously trying not to look like he was going to melt then and there.

“you’re right!” he said, looking back at his friends in happiness. but all of a sudden that happiness was filled with nervousness, when he realised he was finally getting to talk to you. “wha-what do i say to her though?”

“just say you want to talk to her, you dumbass.” seungkwan said, slightly slapping his arm. “say you want to talk to her, take her to the ground, and then say you really, really like her.”

“and if she says no?”

“then say you respect her choices and will always be waiting for her. and that you’ll try your level best to also show her why she should come to you.” seokmin said.

“what the hell? are they getting married or something? why are you so romantic for no reason?” seungkwan asked, looking at seokmin dryly.

“and why are you so anti-romantic?” seokmin countered back, but soonyoung had already drowned out his friends’ banter, turning back to look at you.

you had gone back to reading your book and he braced himself for the worst.

it's now or never, soonyoung.

taking in a deep breath, he got up and began walking towards your desk. but just as he was about to tell you ‘hi’, you got up and swung your bag across your shoulder, picking up your books. soonyoung froze and unfortunately the two of your eyes met again, your eyes widening when you realised that he was about to talk to you.

“oh hey. uh, sorry i need to run to the staff room. mr. park said he needs me.” you said, flashing him a quick smile before running out of the classroom.

all soonyoung could do was stare at your disappearing figure, mouth hanging open in disbelief.

wow. just wow.

he turned back to look at his two friends, who too flinched and looked equal crestfallen.

“it’s okay.” seungkwan muttered, patting his back as he made his way back to his seat. “maybe, uh, maybe next time-”

“yeah, sure.” he snapped, flopping down on his seat gloomily.

next time.

the next time soonyoung got a chance to talk to you was when his professor decided to hold a joint class in the lecture hall. as he and his friends entered the lecture hall, his eyes fell on you (you just happened to catch his eyes always even if it was in a crowded place; soonyoung swore that it was because of goddamn beautiful face) sitting in the second row all alone.

and even before he could turn back and signal his friends that he was going to sit there, he found himself darting to the second row, ready to grab the seat next to you.

but his legs came to a screeching halt when your friend sat herself down on that very seat, foiling soonyoung’s plan in every single way.

what do i do? should i sit behind her? or should i-

“what are you doing soonyoung? come and sit in the front row. you too, seokmin and seungkwan. didn’t you three tell me you’re finding microelectronic circuits hard?” the professor barked from the stage. soonyoung felt his cheeks flame up, clutching his book hard as he prayed you wouldn’t think he was stupid (well, he was but that was a different matter).

begrudgingly, he made his way to the front and sat down, seokmin and seungkwan on either side of him.

“shit that was a great attempt.” seungkwan muttered, opening his books.

“thanks.” he replied dryly.

“talk to her after class.” seokmin whispered back. “i saw her look at you in-”

“pity?”

“i was going to say she looked at you with regret, but okay.”

“that is pity.”

“no, that is the regret of not getting to sit next to you.”

“thanks, seok.” he muttered, rolling his eyes. he loved the amount seokmin hyped him always but sometimes it got out of hand like now. he could finally understand why seungkwan got tired of him.

it was like the entire universe was against him because time seemed to take forever to pass. seconds felt like they had been stretched to hours and soonyoung could feel himself getting more and more impatient with each passing second.

finally, after what felt like a million years, the professor concluded the session. trying not to look like he was in an immense hurry, soonyoung got up and stretched a little, packing his belongings in a hurry, pausing in between each time when he remembered that he had to slow down a little.

“dude, what are you doing?” seungkwan hissed all of a sudden, smacking him lightly. soonyoung looked at him in confusion before looking up to your now empty seat. wait what- “she already left!”

true to his friend’s words, you were already walking out of the door, arm in arm with your friend. panic seized him as he hurriedly stuffed the rest of his things into his bags, before following you out into the hallway.

the hallways seemed even more crowded than usual and soonyoung had to literally push his way to finally get to you.

he found you standing a few feet away from him but even then, you were talking to someone, that someone in this case being the campus heartthrob choi seungcheol and he felt a prickle of annoyance creep in.

you were laughing at a joke he had probably just made before handing him over a notebook, being the helpful angelic person you were.

now soonyoung was really annoyed.

hell, he had worked so hard on his grades hoping he wouldn’t make a fool of himself in front of you and that maybe one day you would notice him, and here was seungcheol, just flashing his killer dimpled smile and easily asking you for notes.

maybe it was his jealousy, or maybe it was the fact that he was tired of being unable to talk to you, but he found himself marching up to you, clearing his throat when he came and stood beside the two of you.

you looked at him in mild confusion before smiling softly at him. “hi, soonyoung! could you just give me a minute-”

“no!” it came out louder than he had expected it to be and he immediately regretted his actions when he saw you flinch lightly.

“hey dude, how about you calm down-” seungcheol began pushing him back slightly but that seemed to set his gears in motion.

“i like you!”

soonyoung felt the entire hallway freeze as your eyes widened (probably in horror) and he felt his entire face heat up in embarrassment. oh god, oh god, what had he just done?

“ignore- ignore me.” he muttered, squeezing his eyes shut as he balled his fists, turning around swiftly to walk away.

great. now he had ruined every single chance he had with you.

soonyoung began walking away quickly, wanting nothing more but to melt into his friends’ arms but then he felt someone catch him by his wrist.

“wait, soonyoung-” he turned back to see who it was, and to his surprise he found that you were the one who was holding his wrist. but you quickly dropped his hand when the two of your eyes met, looking down at the floor. “i, uh, i didn’t get to answer you.”

“huh?” was he hearing things correctly?

“your- your confession.” you muttered, before looking up to meet his eyes. he felt his heartbeat quicken at the new determined look on your face. “you said you liked me.”

hearing the words come out of your lips caused his stomach flip, and he averted his eyes away as he slowly nodded. “yeah,” he muttered. “yeah, i like you a lot. but i’ll understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore-”

“i like you too.” you whispered, and he looked back at you in surprise. you gave him a shy smile (that nearly turned his knees to jelly), before repeating your statement. “i like you too soonyoung. a lot.”

“oh.” was all he could say, before snapping back to his senses. “oh. i, uh, i- oh. i-i- like you too. oh god, i’m so sorry. i’m- i’m just so-”

to his delight, you just laughed lightly, before smiling at him fondly. soonyoung too smiled back, feeling like the happiest person in this world.

“that was terrible, wasn’t it?” he asked, taking a step closer to you. oh my god. i’ve done it. i’ve confessed to her and she likes me back too!

you nodded, glaring at him mockingly. god, you were so adorable. “it was terrible. you’ve got to make up for it.”

this time, he laughed. “how does a canteen date sound like?”

#╼ 𝐅𝐈𝐂𝐒 #╼ [𝟎𝟐:𝟏𝟎]#╼ 𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐒 #caratlibrary #hoshi x reader #soonyoung x reader #kwon soonyoung x reader #seventeen x reader #svt x reader #hoshi fluff #hoshi angst #soonyoung fluff #soonyoung angst #kwon soonyoung angst #kwon soonyoung fluff #seventeen angst #seventeen fluff #svt fluff #svt angst

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wonwoonlight · 6 months

Text

are you like me too? / kwon soonyoung

⇢ Soonyoung x fem!Reader

⇢ word count: 1.1k

⇢ angst // breakup(??)!au // comfort?

⇢ A/N: i wrote this in like, 30 minutes bc i was watching the epik high and hosh's performance in akmu's show and got a random burst of writing juice so. enjoy? i'm obsessed w the song and this particular part btw so it's definitely inspired by that. as always not proofread but do enjoy somehow lol

요즘 뭘 먹고 마시고 어떤 행복을 찾는지 what are you eating and drinking these days? what kid of happiness are you looking for? epik high ft. hoshi - screen time

[ - - - ]

Soonyoung has never felt so stupid.

But, then again, being drunk and regretful at the same time is an obvious recipe for disaster.

He doesn’t even usually get drunk, as he’s often already passed out before he gets to that point. But there’s something about tonight that compels him to keep on throwing back drinks over drinks even though Jihoon is already looking at him in worry and Chaeyoung is trying to stop him from getting more.

But of course, drunk Kwon Soonyoung is even more hard headed than normal Kwon Soonyoung and Jihoon eventually tells the younger girl to just stop trying because perhaps the guy needs it.

After all, Jihoon knows Soonyoung has been regretting his decision to end… whatever it is he had with a certain someone and he hasn’t had the chance to properly throw himself a pity party that it’s probably been eating him inside out for the past week.

“Why the fuck did I…” He mutters to himself, not even caring that two of his friends are there worried out of their minds. He eventually kicks them out an hour later because he can only handle so much pity being thrown his way in his own fucking house.

He’s pitiful–pathetic, he knows, but it doesn’t make things any better and he does need this to (hopefully) make peace with whatever stupid decision he made last week to end things with you.

You’re not even his girlfriend–and whose fault is that?–he swallows another shot bitterly. And yet suddenly not having you any longer feels more painful than the last time he broke up with his ex-girlfriend.

Is it simply the alcohol, bubbling thoughts into his mind? Amplifying the pains even though it’s not really all that?

He glares at his phone, silent with nonexistent notifications from you. And then he looks at the mirror and glare at himself for pushing himself into such a situation.

Why did he think it was a good call to cut you off his life when it was him who talked to you first, asked for your number, begged you for a chance to go on dates, and now grovelling in his own room because he told you that he thinks it’s better to stop seeing each other when you’re not even yet in a relationship.

What was there to end, really?

A possibility, perhaps.

Love that was possibly growing in your heart that he cruelly plucked when it hadn’t even bloomed.

Is that a good thing, then?

Would it hurt more for you if your feelings had grown deeper than what you currently harbour towards him?

He takes his phone and scrolls through your old texts once again. He can probably recite them in his sleep at this point, but he doesn’t care because he misses you and he wishes he still has you–your texts, your laughter, your touch, your voice–you.

🧡: look at this dumb dog lmaoooo

how can u call him dumb :(

hes cute u meanie :(

🧡: //youre/// dumb🙄🙄

🧡: you know i dont mean it like that 😠😠😠😠

🧡: how dare you make me a villain against dogs!!!!

He takes a deep breath as he plays the video you sent for the nth time, still having it in him to smile at your small dog trying to jump into the sofa even though you had laid out a perfectly new dog stairs right next to it.

He presses his lips together at the sound of your laughter in the background, probably the only way he’s still able to hear it now.

It’s only been a week. He knows it’s only been a fucking week. But he’s already wondering how you’re doing and who’s making you laugh, if you get to eat that dumpling that you’ve been wanting to try since last month, if you’re sending your dog videos to someone else now, if you’re still watching the drama that you were watching with him.

…If someone’s holding you because, maybe… and just maybe… you’re also as sad as he is.

He hopes you’re not though. He doesn’t wish this wrenching feeling in his chest upon you.

He hopes you don’t like him enough to be as sad as he is.

He hopes you don’t like him enough to drink yourself to sleep–to numb the pain and silence the voices inside your head.

Closing his eyes, he contemplates on calling you. But he remembers that it was him who rids himself of that choice.

“Hello?”

Fuck. He’s even imagining your voice now.

“Hello?” Your voice calls once again, and Soonyoung grips his phone tighter because it’s getting too real and perhaps it is time to stop drinking. “Soonyoung? Are you there? Are you okay?”

He jumps when he realises it’s actually you, panics when he realises he accidentally presses call when he’s too deep in his thoughts. For someone who contemplated on calling you just not too long ago, he’s suddenly hyper aware of the situation and no longer sure what to say.

He opens his mouth to say something, but a violent cough makes it out of his lips–enough for him to hit his chest because it feels like he’s about to vomit though there’s nothing in his throat.

He hears you panic from the other side, and as much as he wants to tell you not to worry and apologize, he couldn’t do it because his head is spinning and a part of him wants you to know that he’s hurting and he’s regretting.

You already hang up once he’s calmed down.

And it’s thirty minutes later someone knocks on his door, his eyes widening in shock when he finds you on the other side, seemingly running out of your place in a hurry because you simply have a jacket over your pajamas.

“Are you okay?” You look up in worry, your hand already busy trying to see his temperature. It’s when you realize that Soonyoung has been looking at you in silence that it finally hits you that you’re not supposed to do this.

That he… he breaks up with you before you even begin dating and you’re probably out of your fucking mind for thinking that you should rush to him the moment you think he might need help.

Mistaking his silence as resentment, you quickly retract your hand and apologize. But before you can even turn away, Soonyoung pulls you into his place and closes the door and then wraps his arms around you.

You can’t even begin to comprehend what’s happening, but when you feel his body shaking and hear him trying to hide his tears on your shoulder, you decide it doesn’t matter.

For whatever reason, Soonyoung is hurting.

Whether he’s hurting because of you or some other reason, he’s hurting and he’s looking for comfort in you if the way he holds you so tight that it hurts a little and the smell of alcohol on him says anything.

You hug him back and Soonyoung cries harder.

[ - - - ]

©wonwoonlight – all rights reserved. I don’t allow any reposting, translation, and any other kind of redistribution of this fic. Please tell me if you’re aware of anyone doing this without my permission.

A/N: wow been so long since i wrote for him???

#soonyoung drabble #soonyoung scenarios #seventeen angst #seventeen au #seventeen scenarios #khione.fics #hoshi angst #hoshi scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenario #soonyoung angst #seventeen oneshot #hoshi oneshot

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spamgyu · 8 days

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i miss you, i'm sorry // Soonyoung Oneshot

DESCRIPTION: Soonyoung let his pride get in the way and now he's forced to come to terms of his mistakes... two years too late. PARING: Soonyoung x Reader GENRE: Angst WARNINGS: Mentions of alcohol, not a warning but mention of NCT Taeyong

Highly recommend listening to the following while you read: i know it won't work - gracie abrams i miss you, i'm sorry - gracie abrams

It took him some time to swallow his pride; to own up to his mistakes.

Betraying you.

You two may have not been romantically together for very long; barely hitting the one year mark before the world you knew had been torn apart by the one man you have least expected to do so.

Before becoming officially his, you were a friend – someone who had been around him for nearly every waking moment of his idol life.

Their group's back-up dancer.

And maybe that's why it hurt even more; because maybe you have expected heartache from dating an idol... but you didn't expect a friend to hurt you the way Soonyoung did.

He wished he could forget that day – that whole week, in fact. But no matter where he turned, whatever he did, he was haunted by his actions.

Each time he listened to a love song, each time he saw a happy couple, every time he heard of any of his freinds brag about the connection they shared with their other half – he thought back to you.

And it wasn't long before he thought of the day he ruined it all.

You two had been caught, and not by the reporters that both of you have successfully dodged for months – but by his fans. It seemed fool proof at first, hiding in plain sight.

Who would have suspected a blurred face individual in the background of all their behind the scenes videos?

The answer was everyone.

There had been speculations at first, ones that were quite easy to dismiss – but that day in April, it had come crashing down.

Proof of your long term relationship had been uploaded on all platforms; clips of his lingering stares on stage, subtle glances caught on their behind the scene videos, similar instagram photos and profile pictures, more importantly images of you simply acting as a regular couple leaking from his iCloud.

There was no denying it this time.

Or so you thought.

Soonyoung had always told you that when this happened, he would own up to it. He was now at a place in his career where he was able to protect you from any harsh words of the public – a place where he was more than happy to brag about his relationship status.

But he fell short.

He lied.

He didn't know what came over him at that time, choosing the easy way out – or at least, what he thought was easy at the time.

Your heart sank to the deepest pit of your stomach when you had read the message he had posted on their fan service platform that day, shattering once it reached the bottom.

"Please don't believe any rumors that are being spread. If I was in a relationship, you would hear about it from me first. She is just our back-up dancer. I love you guys~ 🩷🩵"

Just our back-up dancer.

He remembered the tears streaming down your face that day, the only words uttering from your lips was "why?".

Why did he choose to dismiss you as just a staff?

Why didn't he fight for you?

Why didn't he fight for the relationship?

Why did he lie to you?

Why?

Soonyoung didn't have any explanation as to why, he couldn't answer you – simply remaining still as he watched you fall apart in front of him.

He didn't know why he didn't shed a tear that day, allowing for you to walk away without bothering to go after you when you had finally found your composure – silently saying your final goodbye.

His pride had gotten the best of him.

And he continued to allow it to do so for the following months; brushing off his member's attempt to address the situation. He didn't dare blink an eye when you didn't show up to the practices, waving off their choreographer when he had notified him that you were no longer a part of the team.

"I don't care." He scoffed, walking away.

He should have.

Staring at the article pulled up on his phone, sent so kindly by Seungcheol, Soonyoung felt that same sinking feeling he had put you through two years ago – his knees buckling under him.

He could have sworn he was over it, over you.

He came to terms of his mistakes, but he didn't think he would have to face it once again.

SEUNGCHEOL: I know you said it doesn't matter but I think it's best you heard from one of us first [NCT Taeyong confirms relationship with non-idol through social media post.]

The image didn't show your face; the boy, who Soonyoung had shared mutual friends with, had taken a picture in the mirror with a mystery girl hidden behind him. The only indicator of this being you was the arms wrapped around his waist – the arms that was loitered with sticker like tattoos.

The ones Soonyoung used to playfully color in with markers and lazily trace as the two of you laid in his bed.

He remembered all the times you happily showed off a new addition to the collection, each and every single one having a memory attached to it.

Especially the blue ink heart that was etched on to your left thumb – the one that he caressed each time your fingers would lock.

He knew this tattoo had no link to him, but somehow he felt as through he had been kicked down at the sight of his thumb sitting a few centimeters from it.

The heart that was once his.

Shakily taking a seat on the edge of his bed, Soonyoung allowed for his phone to slip from his hands – hitting the floor with a loud smack.

He didn't care if the screen cracked, or if there was any damages to the edges of his unprotected device. All he was focused on was the sudden pain that radiated throughout his body.

You had moved on, you were happy – while he was barely beginning to grieve the end of you.

He had run away from his emotions for the past two years, thinking that it would never come – but once again, he was oh so wrong.

Soonyoung felt as though his lung had been punctured, unable to get enough air into his system as his chest began to heave – the tears had now broken the flood gates.

Gripping the edge comforter, Soonyoung tried bite back the sobs that were now threatening to escape his lips – where was this pain when you had asked, no begged, for him to fight for the love you two shared.

"Soonyoung, please." Your voice shook, but he remained unfazed. "I need to know why."

Even now, he couldn't answer that question.

Soonyoung didn't know why he chose to respond to the scandal the way he did. He didn't know why he let you walk away. He didn't know why he chose to ignore your attempts to reach out for closure.

All he knew was that he was in pain, a great amount of it.

・゜゜・��・゜゜・．・゜゜・．・゜゜・．

He was never good at handling any alcoholic drink, but that didn't stop Soonyoung from ending the past three days with at least one bottle of soju before bed.

It was easier to sleep that way.

In the stillness of the night, he sat alone at the dining table – throwing back another shot of the clear liquid, while his thoughts consumed his brain.

Soonyoung had been out of his game since reading that article, their group's comeback couldn't over power all the images of you that flashed through his mind – no matter how hard he tried to distract himself, his brain found it's way to wander back to you.

As his body began to feel the effects of the fourth shot, Soonyoung began to think of the unthinkable.

It wasn't like you would pick up anyways? You probably had his number blocked. Maybe even changed it.

Anyone would have.

But he needed to hear it – he needed to hear your recorded voice, the one that let a caller know that you have missed their call.

It was the closest thing he could have to hearing your voice.

"Hello?"

"Y/n." He choked out, your voice instantly sobering him up – almost as if a bucket of cold water had been dumped on him.

"Hoshi?"

This time, it felt as though someone had driven yet another knife into his chest – this time right into his heart.

Hoshi.

It wasn't Soonyoung or Soonie.

It was Hoshi.

"I-I–" He tried to fight the sharp ache that pulsed under his ribcage as he searched his brain for the right words to say. "I'm sorry."

Silence.

"Y/n, I'm so sorry." Soonyoung repeated, his voice showing clear evidence of the hurt he had been feeling in the past few days.

"No."

"Wha–"

"No," He couldn't see you but he could practically picture you shaking your head at him, your expression mirroring the firm tone he heard on the other line. "You don't get to call me to apologize after two years of radio silence. You don't get to have the closure that I begged for. No."

There was that knife again; only this time, he didn't care for the discomfort because he knew you were right.

Soonyoung was instantly transported back to the months that followed that god-foresaken day – to the times he watched your notifications come in, only for him to delete it without a reply.

[8:23 pm - April 15] I'm sorry for walking out. Please, I want to talk about it [9:10 pm - April 15] I just want to know why.

[12:03 am - April 18] Y/N: I miss you. I miss us.

[11:28 pm - April 29] You told me you would always be by my side, that you wouldn't let them get to us. Why was it so easy for you to let us go? Did you not mean anything you told me?

[2:09 am - May 7] You were the one that pursued me, you made me fall for you. I was fine being friends. I shouldn't have let you in. I should have kept my distance. One day, I'll learn to realize you were a mistake but for now I want you to know that I love you. It hurts so much but I love you.

You were absolutely right, he didn't deserve to be forgiven.

He didn't deserve to be heard out, not when he covered his ears all while you called out for him.

"Those I love you's, those sweet words, they were all empty. You didn't feel the same way. You were my whole world and I was nothing but a grain of sand to you." He had never heard your voice so cold; the one that used to sound like a soft melodic song in his ears. "You made me fall for you only for you to not be there to catch me. I don't want to hear a single thing you have to say."

"I–"

"Baby!" His voice was heard in the background.

"I'm hanging up. Don't ever call this number again."

The sound of the line ending echoed in his ears as the sob, that was held in his throat, came out as a small hiccup.

PERMANENT TAGLIST

@thegirlwhoimagined @forcheol @ohmygodwhyareallusernamestaken @f4iryjjosh @akeminy @yonabutnotyuna @tacosandbitch @aaniag @bettybotterboughtabitofbutter @xbaekcult @alwaysalmostthere @ashkuuuu @morkswatermelonnnn @isabellah29 @lottogyu @bubbly-moon @lllucere @bo-fairykim @pluviophile-xxx @daegutowns @niktwazny303 @fragmentof-indifference @leah-rose03 @haolistic @eclliipsed @joshuahongnumbers @gyuguys @yaaaridk @christinewithluv @yoonzinoooo @livelikejinki @watercolureyes @whoa-jo @primoisellerose @wonwoobestboyy @rakshithanotrao @mingcouper @aksweet7 @nikkell @raginghellfire @kriizztin @doubleshoticedshakenespresso @porridgesblog @bbysnw @squashcolouredskies

(for some reason it's not allowing me to tag some who wanted to be added to the perm tag list ... cries... pls check ur settings so i can for future posts)

#...... hoshi girls.... dont kill me #this one ..... is something #hoshi x reader #hoshi x yn #soonyoung x reader #soonyoung fic #hoshi angst #soonyoung angst #svt angst #svt fic #hoshi fic

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icyminghao · 9 months

Text

if you call on me forever, i will come (preview)

pairing: popstar!soonyoung x fem!reader ft. childhood bestfriend!joshua genre: angst, fluff (not in preview), arranged marriage!au warning(s) (for the preview): cursing, mentions of food word count (for the preview): 1.9k

summary: as a result of his entertainment label teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, soonyoung is given an ultimatum: marry the heir of the largest entertainment label in korea and save his career, or risk losing everything he’s built over the last five years.

a/n: just a little something i’ve been working on to make up for the inactivity~~ not sure when this would be uploaded since i haven’t finished it yet ><

Having been in the entertainment industry since he was eighteen, Soonyoung has quite literally been through it all. From the doubtful eyes of the public when he just debuted to the current, decent fanbase he has garnered through all his years of hardwork and determination, Soonyoung has seen it all.

At least, he thought he had.

“What the hell did you just say?” Soonyoung snaps his head to send the CEO of his music label a chill-inducing glare, and Mr. Kang gulps for a split second before returning to his stoic expression.

“I said,” Mr. Kang clears his throat, “you’re to marry the heir of VIBE Entertainment, as per the conditions set by her father.”

The words hit Soonyoung hard, like he’d just downed a bottle of vodka in one go. He resists the urge to launch himself at Mr. Kang. “And why the hell would I do that?”

“Because,” Mr. Kang sighs, exasperated, “you have to. It’s the only way for our label to survive. You know what our situation’s like, Soonyoung. The CEO of VIBE Entertainment is doing us a mercy here. Just marry the girl, and VIBE will take us under their wing, and-”

“And then what?” Soonyoung snaps, “We’ll just be one of the many companies monopolised by that farce of an entertainment label. You’ll be just another one of his subordinates, another one of his pawns. Is this the path you want?”

“I mean, just look at what the fuck you’re doing here.” Soonyoung runs his hand through his blonde locks in pure frustration. “I have a fucking girlfriend. You’re just going to upend my life to live out a shitty future? This is the twenty-first century, man. You’d think we’d have gotten over the stupid ‘arranged marriage’ cliche, huh?”

“What do you want me to do, then?” Mr. Kang raises his voice, his gaze hardening. “Do you think I haven’t considered the consequences of this for you? For the label? For me? I’m doing this because we have no other choice-”

“I have my fans. I could work something out,” Soonyoung reasons, pacing about Mr. Kang’s tiny, cramped office.

Mr. Kang laughs with no emotions behind his eyes, and Soonyoung is just now noticing the pure exhaustion manifested in his horrid dark eye circles. “Your fans can’t do jack shit, and you know it.”

Soonyoung doesn’t say anything in reply, because Mr. Kang is right. His record label had been struggling when Soonyoung first debuted, and silly, naive, eighteen-year-old him thought he could change that. Thought he could be Mr. Kang’s hero, thought he could save the label with his immaculate talent.

Fast forward to five years later, and the label is doing so much worse after suffering the effects of supporting an average pop star for half a decade. Hell, he can’t even bear to call himself a pop star. Five years down the rocky road to stardom, and he’s barely produced enough hits to even be considered a household name in the country, let alone the world. He knows Mr. Kang is right. They’ve been backed against the wall, and there’s only one way out.

Breaths evening out as he calms down, Soonyoung shuts his eyes so tight it feels like his sockets might pop out. Letting out a sigh in surrender, he slowly opens them and inhales deeply.

“How long do I have till it happens?”

You think you might just be Soonyoung’s biggest fan.

You’ve been with him on his journey to stardom since he debuted, and you’ve been a loyal fan since. You’d even talked to him once, when your father’s secretary brought you to the set where Soonyoung was filming an interview with a magazine.

Which is why your mind is reeling right now. Your father’s secretary, Joshua, had just informed you of your impending marriage to Soonyoung, and you’re both happy and taken by surprise.

“He… agreed to this? Willingly?” you ask, doubt lacing your voice. Joshua simply nods in response, before letting out a huge smile and stepping closer to you.

“This is really big, y/n,” Joshua grins toothily. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and launch yourself into your childhood best friend’s arms, squealing.

“I know, Shua! I’m just, really surprised he agreed to this willingly. I mean, I feel really bad since this is, like, being forced upon us and all, but maybe he remembers me from the time we met at the N Magazine shoot?” you ramble in complete disbelief. “God, Joshua. What if he doesn’t like me? Or I don’t like him as a person? We’d be so miserable, maybe it’s not too late-”

“You know you can’t change his mind once he’s set on it, y/n.” Joshua sighs, gently grabbing you by your shoulders to ground you. “Besides, what’s not to like about you? The only thing you should be worried about is whether or not you’ll like him.”

You break out into a dopey smile, touched by Joshua’s kind words. “Aw, Joshie, are you flirting with me now?”

You see a hint of panic flash through Joshua’s widened eyes, but his phone beeps with a notification before you can call him out on it.

“Oh my god, I almost forgot,” Joshua says after pocketing his phone. “You have a dinner with him tonight.”

You’re late to the dinner.

Which clearly would not give Soonyoung a good impression of you, you realise, as you silently pray for Joshua to drive faster.

In your defence, Joshua had only informed you about the scheduled dinner barely an hour before it was supposed to happen, and you were at your office in your father’s company building sorting out some PR stuff for a newly-debuted boygroup, so you had a grand total of about forty minutes to prepare yourself for the dinner. Which, after reducing the travel time to your apartment to get ready and to the restaurant, left you a whopping ten minutes to spare.

Which is how you ended up in this predicament, at least ten minutes late to your first official meeting as a soon-to-be married couple.

You don’t even realise when Joshua finally pulls up in front of the restaurant, and he has to gently nudge you to snap you out of your stupor.

“I’ll be waiting out here when you’re done, okay? Everything’s going to be fine,” Joshua smiles softly, reassuring you with honey laced in his words. You shoot him a nervous smile, bidding him goodbye as you scramble out of his car and into the restaurant.

The restaurant is unlike anything you’ve ever seen. You guess you’re considered a child of nepotism (a “nepo-baby”, as Joshua calls it), yes, but you’d stopped relying on your father’s black card to get by, instead depending on the pay you earn from your job (which technically comes from him since you work at his company as the PR team leader of a newly-debuted boygroup, but it’s still your money nonetheless) that honestly isn’t much, but you get by, so you couldn’t ask for more, really. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t really do fancy restaurants, hence your surprise.

Your first thought is that this restaurant is overwhelmingly bright. The place is decked out with so many chandeliers, and there are so many utensils laid out on an empty table for two you’d think there were at least five people having a meal there. You briefly glance at an occupied table and wince upon seeing the measly portion of the food, knowing you’ll probably have to get takeout later.

Your second thought is holy shit, Soonyoung’s right there, and he is ethereal the moment you spot him a few tables in front of you, seemingly lost in thought in a booth in the corner of the restaurant. He’s dressed to the nines in a crisp navy blue button down with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of black slacks, and his hair is nicely slicked back with a few strands framing his face, your heart nearly stopping at the sight. He makes eye contact with you as you stand there like a total idiot and looks away before you beam at him, like he didn’t recognise you.

Right, you think, he probably doesn’t recognise you considering the last time the both of you interacted had been four years ago. You take a deep breath and mentally psych yourself up as you walk over to Soonyoung.

Soonyoung looks visibly confused when you stand in front of him, and you don’t know if you should be amused or offended.

“Hi,” you begin, “I’m y/n.”

As if a switch was turned on the moment you introduced yourself, Soonyoung’s gaze hardens, and you feel yourself shrink a little under his piercing eyes.

“You’re late,” he practically spits, venom lacing the two simple words.

“I’m sorry, I got here on short notice, I only knew about this like two hours-”

“Save it, I don’t really care. Let’s just get this over with.” Soonyoung grumbles, not even bothering to hide his eye roll. Hurt flares in your chest, and you timidly take the seat across from him.

“Um, so, I think we’ve met b-”

You’re cut off once again as Soonyoung closes his eyes and sighs in visible frustration, his breaths becoming quicker. “Look, uh, y/n, I have no intention of being, like, friends with you or whatever, okay? You folks sprung this up on me like I’m some kind of object, so you can’t expect me to act like all of this is fine when it’s really not. Let’s just get this dinner over and done with and go back to our expiring freedom, yeah?”

“Soonyoung, but you… agreed to this. Willingly,” you protest, confused at the rude tone he’s taking on.

Soonyoung scoffs, cocking an eyebrow at you. “I have a girlfriend, y/n. Why would I accept this willingly?”

You don’t talk after that, and just like that, there’s an unspoken agreement that that was the end of the conversation for possibly the entire dinner.

Your food arrives, in portions made for children just like you expected, and you eat in silence, willing yourself to stay calm. Maybe he’s just having a bad day, you try to reason, blinking back tears.

Or maybe, the voice deep inside of your head pops up, you’re doomed to be in this loveless marriage forever.

You jolt out of your trance as your fork clatters to the floor with an ear-piercing sound, and you smile sheepishly at the neighbouring diners who had turned to see what the commotion was. Picking up your fork and laying it on the table, you decide that you’ve probably had enough for the day.

“It was nice, uh, meeting you. I should go now,” you purse your lips together and try your hardest to not burst into tears in front of Soonyoung, though if he notices, he gives no indication. You stand up and leave after a few seconds of silence, feeling increasingly suffocated.

As soon as you step out of the restaurant, you let out a huge breath, the first tear slipping out of your left eye. Through your blurred vision, you see Joshua stepping out of his car, hurrying over to you.

“Oh my god, y/n,” he frets over you, swiping your tears away with his thumbs. “What did he say to you?”

You continue sobbing as Joshua wraps his arms around you, leaning your head on his shoulder as you shake uncontrollably. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Let’s get you home, hm?”

You nod in between sobs, letting your body go limp as Joshua walks you to his car.

The ride home is silent, your mind clear of all thoughts but one.

You’re doomed to live out the rest of your miserable life with a man who cannot and will not love you. Not now, and not ever.

a/n 2: i hope this was okay!

taglist: @slytherinshua @xomingyu @belladaises @pepperonidk @tastymintchocolate @smilehui @dahliatopia

masterlist

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kyeomsense · 5 months

Text

how svt hyung line breaks your heart

i’ve been wanting to do something more angst-heavy for a while and i think 2 am is the perfect time to do that <3 enjoy!

svt x gn!reader, angst

wc: ~1k

seungcheol

he breaks it off after a long battle with himself. he still loves you and hopes that you can forgive him, but he ultimately knows that it’s for the best.

the two of you have different values and wants out of life. maybe it’s not that you can’t be together at all, but it’s that you can’t be together right now. he knows that, and he knows that he loves you and you love him. but he can’t let this relationship tear you apart any longer.

so, he leaves. he’s firm on his decision. he tells you he wants to break up with a stern expression on his face. when you beg him to stay, he only insists on leaving, because if he stays any longer he knows he’ll break down.

jeonghan

he lets you down easy when it happens. when you ask him why, he just says it’s not you, but him that is the problem. he’s not ready for commitment. he’s not ready for the serious talks about marriage. he’s not ready for anything truly impactful.

he’s not even surprised when you get angry. he knows you’ve put your entire being into the relationship, and that’s exactly why he doesn’t feel comfortable staying in it.

a part of it may be that he doesn’t know how to feel. he doesn’t know what he’s feeling. all he knows is that when he looks at you, an unknown, honey-like feeling simmers in his stomach and it terrifies him.

joshua

he tries his best to be nice about it, but his words still hurt. behind his sweet, affectionate gaze and upturned lips is a man who you realize you don’t even know anymore.

maybe you’ve changed. maybe he has, too. neither of you know. what joshua knows at least is that whatever spark he felt for you has long since faded and been replaced with a thin layer of resentment.

he’s fallen out of love with you, and he decides it’s best for him to end things earlier rather than later. even as you attempt to ask him why or how you can fix things, he simply tells you the truth. he’ll always love you, but he’s not in love with you anymore, and nothing can change that.

jun

he’s not even sure how things ended up this way. he’s not even sure why he agreed to start dating you. perhaps it was the fact that he has trouble saying no to people, or the fact that he didn’t want to look like an asshole in front of all your friends.

but now he’s six months in. things were fine in the beginning, when the honeymoon phase and excitement of having a significant other fueled his affectionate gestures. now, everything feels fake and empty. he tells you he loves you, but he feels deep down that he barely knows you.

he brings it up while you two are on a date. he can’t do it anymore. he can’t do this anymore. the fake smiles and strained laughter. he just can’t. he leaves you crying at the table and calls you an uber before he leaves.

soonyoung

he can’t blame you. he can only blame himself. when he first started feeling things towards someone else, he knew that he should cut them off and refocus his attention on you. instead, he fed into the flirting with passionate touches and intimate texts.

he hates himself for doing that to you. it’s not fair at all. while you were waiting for him at home with a hot plate of pasta, he was locking lips with his hot duet partner. it eats at him each night when he greets you with a kiss, one that still tastes like his lover’s strawberry chapstick.

it explodes at dinner one night. while you expect him to propose, he bows his head in shame and tells you everything. he can only accept what he’s done and begin packing his things, tears rolling down his cheeks as he hears you sobbing even through the lit tv chatter.

wonwoo

the two of you aren’t strangers, but it definitely feels like it. from missed texts and calls to not even greeting each other, it feels like there’s a solid wall dividing the two of you, one that wonwoo builds higher the longer you date.

you feel the break up coming even before it happens, but that doesn’t mean you don’t do everything in your power to prevent it. but even through your warm hugs and shining smiles, you can only feel the icy loneliness that wonwoo offers you in return. you don’t give up hope, but he crushes it.

during the breakup, he’s straightforward. he tells you he wants to break it off and watches as you start crying. he simply stands and sighs calmly before leaving. he’s gone before you can even ask why.

jihoon

you know work comes first. it always does, especially when it comes to jihoon. at first, you’re okay with it, but as you find yourself in a year long relationship, you can’t help but feel a bit of neglect.

jihoon realizes it, too. he knows that his work is time-consuming and mentally taxing. he knows he should probably text you he’s going to be working late tonight and that you should eat dinner alone. but for some reason, he doesn’t. he can’t. because he doesn’t want to do this to you anymore.

you pick up after the first ring and greet him with an excited chirp. the bright smile plastered on your face quickly disappears as you listen to jihoon’s words. he barely waits for a response before he cuts the line. when you try and call him back, he doesn’t pick up.

a/n: have fun with this one <3

#svt x reader #svt angst #seungcheol angst #jeonghan angst #joshua angst #jun angst #soonyoung angst #wonwoo angst #jihoon angst

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papermatisse · 1 year

Text

Let Me Try Again || K.SY

♗ pairing: kwon soonyoung x f!reader

♗ genre: angst, fluff

♗ word count: 30k

♗ warnings: heavy plot + elements (depression, anxiety, abandonment), pregnancy, foul language

♗ synopsis: Soonyoung had never wanted to live a restrained capitalistic life, forced to work a tiresome 9 to 5, paying taxes until the day he dies. Though in exchange to pursue the other option, that being devotion to a career, he had to pay an unfathomably large price—he had to abandon everything and everyone he's ever loved. can he fit himself back into his former life? one that's changed more than he can possibly imagine? could the ones he loved forgive him for his wrongdoings? could he get the second chance he wants so desperately?

♗ (a/n): im back w my bs uwu. one of my biggest fics, named after Frank Sinatra's "Let Me Try Again". pls give it a read and enjoy! 😭🙏❤️

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Soonyoung breathed a sigh of relief upon stepping off the plane. Though he was still trapped in the crowd of other passengers, scrambling to meet with their respective families and collect their baggage, he had never felt so free.

College was an experience, to say the least. He had his fair share of fun, partying and meeting new friends. Sometimes those parties went awry, with either cops showing up to dismantle the chaotic atmosphere or Soonyoung drinking more than he could handle. He also experienced those painful nights of cramming, staying up until the crack of dawn, eyes near bloodshot, faint lines of text imprinted in his vision for the next few minutes as he turned away from his textbooks.

Many times, he was sure he'd fail, ruin his life forever. The life he had worked tirelessly to prepare for. The life he traded everything for, leaving behind his family, his friends. The girl he had sworn he'd marry one day.

Yet here he was, Master's degree now printed on his resume in a single additional line. A new and accomplished man, ready to take on the world.

And it seemed his efforts were already coming to use as he left his university. He had already gotten a fairly reasonable job offer; a software engineer in the tech department of SVT Corporations. It was a major industry, a rare job offer he'll probably never see again in his lifetime. It had to be pure luck. That he was in the right place at the right time. A surreal experience, that he was able to land such a fantastic start to his career.

Though before accepting, he decided to return to his roots one last time. A final goodbye to his past. The foundation which supported him up to this point. His childhood home.

Being away for so long was quite the challenge for Soonyoung. He had always been a family man, someone who always put his loved ones before himself. Though as he grew older, his priorities admittedly shifted. Yet there still remained that tug in his heart, swaying him back to his loved ones, reminding him that though he wished to give himself the stable life he had always craved, he could never truly sacrifice everything for himself.

So to have to pack up and move across the country for years was truly a harrowing feat, though one he nevertheless conquered.

It was difficult, a trial he never really prepared himself for because he never believed he'd have to endure it. That dull ache in his heart that first time he video called his mother. Watching her face appear on his screen, grainy from the lousy connection, though still there. Still his loving mother. She cried for him, proud he was doing this for himself. Happy that her son was going to have a future as an engineer. What more could a mother want but the joy of her children?

He remained where he was for all those years. Never once flying back home. Because he feared that the moment he stepped foot in his town, he'd stay. The memories of his past calling out to him. The treehouse his friends and him always frequented. The bowling alley Seokmin and him would spend hours in avoiding schoolwork. The park he confessed his love to his crush.

Yet as he stepped off the terminal, breathing in the air of his hometown for the first time in six years, he felt his worries were for naught.

He had heard his family before he had seen them, sister all but colliding into him the moment she spotted him. Tears brimmed his eyes as he held her for the first time in years, surprised at how grown she had become. Afterwards came his mother who had already been crying long before she had seen him, and then his father who also looked equally misty eyed.

For the first time in a long while, Soonyoung felt somewhat complete.

His first day back had been spent with his family. Catching up with them, sharing his stories from college, hearing some of the family drama he missed out on.

At the dinner table, as they continued to converse with one another, his father had asked what his plans were.

He told him that he had been given a job offer that he was supposed to answer by the end of the month.

The news definitely dampened the mood, as he basically admitted right then and there that they would only have Soonyoung for four weeks before he was to leave them once more. Nevertheless, they chose to cherish the little time they had with Soonyoung, refusing to dwell upon the inevitable and instead thrive in the happiness he granted them with his presence.

The next day, he was already calling his friends again, digging through his old contacts and hoping none of them had changed their numbers. Though more specifically, he hoped Seokmin hadn't changed his number.

He pressed the contact, smiling fondly at the silly display before him. An old picture of the boy from when they went to the pool, the dual ensemble of a swimming cap paired with a tiny set of black goggles. It was dumb, yet ever nostalgic, and still brought joy to Soonyoung as he finally dialed the number, pressing his phone to his ear.

Upon the first ring, Soonyoung felt himself gulp, nearly choking on the descent down his throat. His thoughts began hitting him all at once.

What if Seokmin didn't want Soonyoung anymore? He did just leave with no other words after getting on that plane. What if Seokmin hated him?

Second ring.

Why didn't Soonyoung just talk to his friends? He knew he was busy, but he shouldn't have been too busy for his childhood friends? Why couldn't he just keep in contact at the least? A simple greeting every so often wouldn't have hurt him.

Third ring.

Soonyoung felt his face redden with anxiety, his heart rate picking up. Worries of whether he truly did lose his lifelong friend riddled his mind. His fingers clutched at his jeans, gulping again as his nerves burned within him.

"Hello?" A voice chimed through his phone, the familiar voice of his best friend wading into his ear, easing Soonyoung's frantic worries as a grin stretched on his face.

"Hello," Soonyoung responded, biting his lip as silence filled the other line. Just from assumptions alone, Seokmin must've pulled his phone away, getting a gander at the contact that called him, because a distant gasp sounded out before the voice was once more right at the mic.

"Soonyoung!" He hollered, nearly bursting his eardrum as he laughed at his friend's reaction. "Holy shit, dude, what's up! It's been literal ages! How've you been?"

"I'm good, I'm good," Soonyoung answered, looking down at his lap. "I just graduated."

"Oh, I'm talking to an educated man, I see," Seokmin noted, bringing a chuckle to Soonyoung. "Well, Sir Academia, to what do I owe the pleasure of your call?"

"Well, I'm home." It was quiet for a moment, so quiet that Soonyoung believed his friend may have hung up, but then he chimed in moments later.

"Wait, home home? Like, here home?"

"I'm at my parents house right now–"

"Oh my God! Stay there! I'll be there in ten minutes, okay!" The man suddenly hung up, causing Soonyoung to break out into more laughs at his friend's manic behavior.

At least he hadn't lost him. It felt like a light weight was lifted from his shoulders. That his bond with Seokmin was strong enough to persevere through these years. He still regretted cutting off everyone, though was still incredibly relieved at such a development.

The moment Seokmin pulled up, he was practically dragging Soonyoung away, shoving him into his car after a dramatic hug, and driving off.

"I'm taking you to everyone," Seokmin explained as they made their way through the town.

Soonyoung smiled at the sights they passed. Nothing had changed. As if he hadn't ever left. As if the town was frozen in time, waiting for his return to thaw back to the present. It was comforting, a constant in his life he could rely on.

The first person they went to was Seungcheol, working at his mother's real estate agency. They had waited for him to look up from his desk, and when he met their eyes, his facade of professionalism evaporated, the suited man leaping to his feet and practically hopping over his desk to embrace Soonyoung. The others in the office looked to them with terror at the display, but that didn't stop Seungcheol from lifting his long lost friend in the air, hugging him nearly to death with a bright smile on his face.

Their next stop was Jeonghan and Joshua's apartment, the two of them having off from their jobs for the day. Seokmin had knocked on their door, to which neither of them answered. Insisting that he knew they were in there, Seokmin continued to knock until a disgruntled Jeonghan finally whipped open the door, about to tell off the supposed loiterers at his door until he saw Soonyoung. The fanfare continued as Joshua came out, coming to investigate what all the ruckus was about, though inevitably joining alongside his roommate with welcoming Soonyoung back.

This continued for the rest of the day practically, Seokmin dragging Soonyoung to every corner of the city, reuniting with his old friend group. Mingyu had regrettably grown even taller since they last spoke, Vernon's fashion sense had mellowed over the years, and Chan looked so grown, the sight of the young man almost bringing tears to Soonyoung's eyes.

"You really didn't have to do this for me, Seokmin. I was planning on just calling everyone eventually and planning meetups," Soonyoung explained as Seokmin drove them back from Chan's place. The sun was setting, the sky an orange pink hue as the day was nearing its end; a day well spent in Soonyoung's book.

"No worries at all!" Seokmin assured, waving his hand in the air before returning it to the steering wheel. "It gives me time to hang out with my best friend who abandoned me all these years." Soonyoung rolled his eyes and sighed as Seokmin laughed. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I knew you were busy. You got your Master's pretty early, too."

"I did, I did." Soonyoung sighed. Rather than it being necessarily early, it was mainly right on time. Though it cost him so much to stay on this schedule. "It was difficult, especially being away from everyone." He paused, smiling as he thought back on the day. At the faces of his friends he hasn't seen in so long. He hadn't realized how much he missed them until he was there in front of them. Hearing them speak for the first time in years, seeing how they changed while he was away, seeing them become settled in their lives, finding that happiness everyone sought for. "I should've at least texted you."

"What'd I say?" Seokmin parked his car, turning his head to face Soonyoung. "No. Worries." He poked his finger into Soonyoung's side with each word. "We all understood, you were chasing your dreams. We wouldn't want anything different. And knowing you, you were bound to come back." Seokmin patted his friend on the shoulder.

"Thanks." Soonyoung smiled softly at the comforting words directed to him.

He had been so worried everyone would have been upset he just left them and never spoke again, but after today, he knew everyone missed him just as much as he missed them.

Though through all the joy in him, past the relief he felt upon meeting his friends once more, one thought plagued his mind.

"Hey," he began warily, attracting Seokmin's attention, "How's (y/n)?"

Seokmin grinned at the name, though not as ecstatic as his usual wide smile. More so one of familiarity, comfort, fondness.

"She's great, we just hung out last week. Her, Seungkwan, and I.'' Seokmin said, bringing a smile to Soonyoung's face. He was glad to hear that. That they all remained friends after he left. After he broke her heart, and left her behind. Before he could speak though, Seokmin continued, his words all but halting Soonyoung's every thought. "It's really hard to plan things with her since she has to adjust her schedule to fit both us and her kid, but she still makes the effort."

"Her... kid?" Soonyoung's voice was weak, barely even louder than the air conditioning hitting his face, but Seokmin heard nevertheless. He glanced at him in confusion before realization hit him, eyes widening and jaw dropping.

"Oh, nobody told you!" He shouted in shock, glancing around the street they were on before swiftly recalculating his destination, making a U-turn all of a sudden. "Yeah, she has a daughter! Little Chaerim."

Soonyoung's face blanked, his chest tightening at the information relayed to him.

She had a kid. So many things had changed during his time away, like Minghao taking up meditation, Jihoon becoming a famous producer, even Jeonghan adding more furniture to his pet rock's house. But (y/n) having a kid?

For as long as he could remember, Soonyoung had the biggest crush on (y/n). Starting from their first meeting at the age of 11, his feelings only seemed to spiral deeper and deeper with every year until he had finally asked her out in the middle of highschool.

They were highschool sweethearts. The epitome of a perfect relationship. They never got into fights, unlike the other relationships around them which seemed to fizzle with the angst of teenage development. They were never jealous, having this undeniable trust in one another, enough to grant them comfort with one another from just the mere thought of the other, and no random addition of a person could tarnish that mentality. They were mature, treating their relationship as something which should be cherished and nurtured, never once treating the other disrespectfully or tarnishing the perfect bond they had.

That is until after highschool, when Soonyoung was accepted into his college across the country.

It all began crumbling after that. Doubt riddled his mind soon after.

Whether he could truly keep (y/n) happy from such a great distance. Could he manage a long distance relationship and his studies? Would he have to put one over the other? If he did, then his grades would tank, because he wouldn't have the heart to put his school before her in any scenario. Should he just abandon everything, throw away this idea of self fulfillment for love? Find a regular 9 to 5 to support him and (y/n)? He'd stay with her, but at what cost? Soonyoung never wanted to work a job like that. To live a life where everyday, waking up felt like a task, and his only reprieve was the peace of sleep. It's why he was struggling with this debacle in the first place.

Whether to put his happiness or her happiness first?

Yet at the end of the day, he chose the former. He couldn't possibly give her the happy life she deserved if he himself was miserable. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he brought her any form of misery, like the lack of a devout husband. Someone she was forced to watch crumble with every passing day, nothing more than a shell of what he once was. His vibrancy extracted through the shackles of capitalism until he could no longer handle it. Until not only his will to be happy dissipated, but also his will to make her happy, gone like everything else. He couldn't condemn her to such a cruel inevitability.

As much as it pained him to admit it, it would be much better for him to let her go, give her the chance to find the happiness she deserves, which clearly didn't belong to a monster like him.

And so he let her go.

He had been so distracted he hadn't even acknowledged Seokmin parking again in yet another unfamiliar apartment building.

"We're here!" He announced, stepping out of the car excitedly. Soonyoung on the other hand stepped out warily, glancing around as if he'd see her waiting for him, glaring in disdain at the man who shattered her heart and left.

All the while, Seokmin raved about Chaerim as they made their way to her apartment. He talked about how cute she is, how she's the sweetest thing he's ever seen, how Soonyoung would just love her.

Yet her mere existence seemed to haunt Soonyoung, torment him the longer he knew of her existence. Because she stands as a testament of (y/n) moving on from him.

Before he knew it, they stopped before a door.

It was just like any other along the narrow corridor, though it felt much more daunting to him, knowing who was behind it.

"Watch this," Seokmin whispered excitedly, cracking his knuckles before placing both on the door. He began rapping a beat on the wood which went on for longer than any knock should . He then stepped back proudly, a smile on his face as he looked back at Soonyoung, patiently waiting for something to happen. They could hear muffled shouting through the door, growing louder and louder to the point that Soonyoung could now very clearly make out the voice to be saying "Uncle Seokmin!" on repeat.

Suddenly, the door swung open. Time seemed to stop as a tiny face peeked out, smiling brightly up at his friend who then crouched with outstretched arms. The girl had leapt into his arms, giggling as he lifted her up and hugged her.

Soonyoung felt his breathing pick up, seeing the little girl buried in Seokmin's shirt. That little girl was the daughter of his true love. The one girl he had always adored. The girl he all but abandoned.

But she wasn't his daughter.

And though that fact lingered over him treacherously, reminding him of his past faults, reminding him that he could've had that had he chosen (y/n) at the end, he still attempted to push away his negative thoughts, offering the girl a smile as he waited for Seokmin to acknowledge him.

Once the enthusiasm subsided, Seokmin finally did turn to him again.

"Chaerim, I'd like you to meet my friend, Soonyoung."

The girl looked up at him, peeking over from beneath Seokmin's chin at the strange man a few feet away from her. And as their eyes met, Soonyoung felt his heart all but collapse, watching two sharp, angular eyes peering at him curiously. Eyes which quirked upwards at their ends… Just like his.

His expression dropped, the color of his skin draining as she revealed all of her face to him, and it felt as if Soonyoung were looking directly into a mirror. She stared at him so resolutely, his own panic seeming nonsensical from how calm she remained, merely resting against Seokmin as she continued to look at Soonyoung, observing as you would an animal exhibit.

"Chaerim!" A voice hollered from inside the opened apartment. A person emerged from the hall within, making her way swiftly to the entry, exasperated as if this were a daily occurrence in her life. As the woman appeared at the door, Soonyoung realized who it was.

Jihyo, (y/n)'s best friend.

She looked to Seokmin and Chaerim for a moment, silently acknowledging that the situation is handled, before looking to Soonyoung, standing there starstruck with his mouth agape, glancing between Jihyo and Chaerim.

Jihyo's face shifted from indifference at everything, to shock upon seeing Soonyoung, to then near terror, brows arched in surprise as she froze in place, much like Soonyoung at the moment.

"Was it Seokmin?" Another voice resounded from the apartment. A soft, lull like voice which carried in the air, light and delicate with its tone as it hit Soonyoung, a familiarity which lit his nerves though also seemed to melt him into butter.

And then she appeared, rounding the same corner as Jihyo. Soonyoung felt his knees buckle, weak against her mere presence which seemed to dominate the entire room. She looked up, stopping mid step as she met Soonyoung's eyes, and regrettably to his disappointment, instant fear washed across her expression, a fact which seemed to stab at Soonyoung's heart. That he was no longer the one who brought her peace or comfort like he once did so long ago. That she looked to him as you would any unwelcomed stranger.

"Is everyone okay?" Seokmin asked, the only person who wasn't in some stare down with another.

Yet before he could question it any further, Chaerim began squirming in his arms, crawling out of his embrace before bounding towards her mom. (y/n) hesitantly crouched, scooping the young girl up and into her arms, who then began whispering into her ear, legs kicking excitedly. With a shaky breath, (y/n) smiled to her guests.

"Seokmin!" She greeted first, voice wavering as she approached the door. "And Soonyoung! Please, why don't you all come in." Her hand landed on Jihyo's shoulder, snapping her out of her stupor before she backed away, allowing the boys to enter the home.

Jihyo muttered a brief, "excuse us," before she was dragging the two girls down the hall. Soonyoung looked worriedly to their retreating forms.

The way (y/n) said his name.

She once said it with such adoration. Calling out to him from across the courtyard at school, referring to him in the middle of a conversation, whispering to him late in the night when they embraced one another. His name alone once felt so loved because she said it. Because she spoke love into it. With every syllable, with every roll of her tongue, as if speaking an entire ballad of her affections, though it was merely his name.

Now she spoke his name tentatively. As if it were poison on the tip of her tongue. As if she were stepping through a field of landmines. As if it was taboo to be spoken.

He felt tears brimming at his eyes. Selfish tears, ones which shouldn't be shed because he condemned himself to this reality. He was the one who pushed her away. He was the one who left her home, ignoring the silent cries she left behind, ignoring the way his heart fought tooth and nail to turn back and return to her. He was the one who got onto that plane, drowning in his own sorrows as he flew further and further away from her. Away from his other half.

He once believed everyone was a whole, and that some people just made one larger whole once together, and would stay as their original wholes once separated. Yet here he was, a broken half of a man, whose other piece was left shattered and abandoned by him.

And he still felt like that. He could feel his dormant heart stirring alive with pointless hope, beating against his rib cage as if wanting to break free and reunite with her. Yet like he always did, he ran away, walking over to her living room and sitting beside Seokmin.

"Cute, isn't she?" Seokmin nudged Soonyoung, a warm smile on his face as he referred to the young girl. "God, I just want to squish her cheeks all day. So round. Doesn't she remind you of a hamster?"

"No," Soonyoung answered faster than he had intended, shocking even himself with his thoughts. That he wasn't a hamster, so she couldn't possibly be a hamster either. He shook his head, attempting to clear away his assumptions as Seokmin chuckled.

"You're probably right. That won't stop me from calling her my hamster though," Seokmin continued. Soonyoung leant forward onto his knees, steadying his breathing before the girls would eventually return. "You know, I'm her Godfather."

Soonyoung looked over to him, brows furrowed in intrigue.

"Yeah, (y/n) insisted," He continued. "I was one of the only people who knew about her pregnancy, so I was taking care of her with Jihyo for those few months." Soonyoung felt his eyes water. The thought that she was struggling so much while he was away at college. And he knew absolutely nothing. "I was even the one who drove her to the hospital when she went into labor, cause Jihyo was working at the time."

There was some relief in him at this. That she wasn't entirely alone. That though he left her behind, she still had others to care for her. He felt obligated to thank Seokmin for his efforts. For being there for her when he wasn't. For taking care of this child like she was his own.

Chaerim.

Soonyoung was about to question him further, about to ask him more of his dear god daughter, until Jihyo appeared from the halls, hands clasped together with a nervous laugh resounding from her.

"Okay, hello everybody, how are we feeling?" She asked, sitting on the loveseat beside them. "Sorry, we're all understandably shocked to see Soonyoung, you know?"

"No, we completely understand," Seokmin waved her off. "We should've told you guys on our way here, I just got excited." He nodded towards Soonyoung beside him. "He didn't know about Chaerim! Can you believe that?"

"Insane," Jihyo responded, her voice monotonous as she stared blankly back at the two.

Soon after, the final members of the party came out once more, Chaerim immediately making her way over to Seokmin again. He brought the girl to his lap, brushing back her black hair as (y/n) took a seat in front of them on her coffee table.

"Hi," She greeted them all, though her eyes landed on none other than Soonyoung.

"Hi," He responded, voice soft, afraid he would startle her and she'd run off. He wouldn't blame her though. He did the exact same thing.

"Seokmin, let's go to the kitchen." Jihyo began walking off, Seokmin following after. Chaerim was peeking over his shoulder, still staring right at Soonyoung up until she disappeared into the kitchen.

"How have you been?" (y/n) continued. He stared momentarily at the kitchen before turning back to her with a wry smile.

"I'm okay," He answered. "I just graduated. Master's in software engineering."

"That's amazing, congratulations!" She noted, a smile spreading on her face, though not reaching her eyes. "I'm happy to hear that. You must be so proud."

Soonyoung winced at her words, because she seemed to unknowingly see right through him. She may not be fully aware, but he was filled with doubt. Yes, he achieved what he set out for. He got his Master's, he's got the job offer, he's got his life laid out before him, and all he had to do was live it out accordingly. Yet he was full of doubt. Doubt because he was still riddled with sorrow, wondering if things would've been better had he given up on this plan. If he could've accommodated, still involved (y/n) in his life, and just worked a little harder to keep her beside him through the long distance relationship.

At the end of it all, that unhappiness he believed he'd have working a basic 9 to 5 equated to the unhappiness he felt living a life without (y/n).

"Soonyoung?" She asked, startling him back to reality.

"I'm sorry. I zoned out." She softly chuckled, nodding at his words with a soft affirmation. She looked down to her lap, fiddling with her fingers as silence encompassed the two. And as much as he didn't want to ask, as much as he knew it was inappropriate for the time being, he couldn't help it. He couldn't fight back the curiosity flooding his brain. "You have a daughter…"

She froze for a moment, hands wringing together before she looked up at him with a smile.

"I do, yes." (y/n) pulled out her phone before handing it to him, showing her wallpaper which was Chaerim, beaming up at the camera, her eyes narrowed into slits. "Her name is Chaerim, as you may already know." His heart softened, seeing the bright little girl practically radiating like the sun. He understood why Seokmin seemed to love her so much. Because he was gradually already falling for her and he hasn't had one conversation with the girl.

"She's beautiful," Soonyoung commented, handing the phone back to (y/n), smiling widely at his words. "What's she like?"

"Well…" (y/n) started, breaking off into a brief chuckle as she thought of the girl in question. "She's… something. Very hyperactive." (y/n) looked down at her phone, fondly gazing at the picture once more. "She's silly. There's never a dull day with her." She paused, looking for a second more before putting her phone away and sighing. "So mature. It feels like I'm talking to a little adult at times." Soonyoung smiled, seeing how much (y/n) loved her.

"Can I meet her?" He asked softly, voice barely above a whisper. He was afraid, scared to meet this little girl. He didn't know what exactly he feared, but his thoughts were incessant.

It was either he was meeting the child of (y/n) and some guy who came and replaced him, or he was meeting the child of him and (y/n).

And as (y/n) called out for the girl and she emerged from the kitchen with those familiar sharp eyes of hers, Soonyoung had an inkling he knew it was the latter scenario.

"Chaerim, I'd like you to meet Soonyoung," (y/n) spoke, gesturing to the person as she said their name. "Soonyoung, this is Chaerim."

He slid off the couch, crouching onto his knees before her with a smile on his face.

"Hi Chaerim. It's nice to meet you."

The little girl stood there, staring right at him, expression blank and unreadable. It almost intimidated him, the way she seemed to stare right into his soul as if it was child's play. She stepped closer to him, face to face, her gaze unwavering, as if she hadn't an ounce of fear for him. (y/n) and Soonyoung watched her with confusion, though allowed her to continue to inch closer and closer to Soonyoung until she pressed her tiny lips against his nose, pulling away after planting a soft kiss to him.

"Chaerim, what are you doing?" (y/n) spoke in a panic, pulling her daughter against her. "You just met Soonyoung, we don't kiss strangers."

"We don't?" She asked. The first words she has spoken in his presence.

"No, we don't– How many strangers have you kissed?" (y/n) asked incredulously, eyes wide at the girl's question. Without answering, Chaerim approached Soonyoung again, his face reddened at her kiss.

"Hello, my name is Chaerim," she greeted, voice louder than necessary, though still getting her point across. She held out her hand to him, and he hesitantly took it in his own. His lips twitched into a smile, thumb brushing over her smooth skin as he reciprocated her greeting. In some way, he knew. The moment he touched her, he knew she was his.

Though before he could say anything else, Jihyo appeared.

"(y/n), it's 8," she stated. Like that, (y/n)'s fond smile at the exchange dissipated, and she snapped out of her daydream at the time.

"Chaerim, we need to give you a bath," she stated, about to stand up before Jihyo stepped in.

"It's okay, Seokmin and I can prepare her for bed," she insisted, lifting the girl into her arms with a small huff. "You guys can keep talking." Jihyo briefly looked to Soonyoung, nodding at him in acknowledgement before turning around and disappearing down the hall, Seokmin trailing behind after waving to Soonyoung.

Once they were alone, Soonyoung climbed back onto the couch, staring at (y/n) whose eyes darted everywhere but to him. She was nervous, which saddened Soonyoung. He remembered how she once relied on him for comfort during times like this, yet now he was the source of those worries. He just wanted to bring her to him, remind her of his undying love for her, the same love which hasn't waned since the moment he left her. Yet he understood. He understood she needed time. She needed space from him. She needed time to think after he just suddenly came back into her life.

Though yet again, his impulsivity came through, far too curious to merely ignore the elephant in the room.

"(y/n)..." He started, tilting his head down to meet her gaze now staring at the floor between them. She continued to avoid him, eyes shifting away once he entered her peripheral vision. "(y/n), please."

There was a desperation in his voice, this weakness in his tone that startled (y/n), loosened her resolve some as she finally peeked up at him. Her eyes were glassy, her lip quivering as she met his gaze, this pleading stare greeting her as they finally looked at one another. Truly looked at one another.

The sun was setting, casting this deep orange glow into the apartment. A myriad of colors danced across her face, the warmth of the sunset seeping into her skin. Ethereal, Soonyoung thought to himself. How beautiful his beloved (y/n) was. Perhaps it was the time spent apart, but Soonyoung swore she seemed to radiate even more now than she ever had before. As if with every passing of the sun, she seemed to blossom more and more, this breathtaking flower before him that he had left behind.

"Talk to me. Please."

She blinked at his words, tears beginning to well up along her waterline. Though he could very clearly see that anguish in her eyes, she still attempted to play it off, breathing out a chuckle as she shrugged nonchalantly at his request.

"What's there to say?"

Dismissive. She looked away the moment she finished her sentence, eyes once more skirting around him, avoiding him. He winced, this surprisingly sharp pain stabbing at his heart. And yet it only encouraged him to pursue her more.

"So much. (y/n), it's been years. Please, tell me anything. Tell me about your parents, your job, Jihyo." At this point, he had leant so close to her that their breaths were intermingling, warmth brushing against their faces from the proximity, yet to them, two long lost lovers who hadn't spoken in what felt like a lifetime, the space was anything but discomforting. A welcoming sensation that had the tips of his fingers itching to touch her, any part of her, anywhere she was willing to offer him. His eyes opened, glassy gaze once more seeking out her own as she took in a shaky breath, overwrought with the surge of emotions that came with Soonyoung's presence.

Tell me about Chaerim.

He wanted to ask so badly. The question was at the tip of his tongue, begging to be spoken. Yet upon the first break of tears cascading down her face, he knew he had already pushed her too far for now.

Once her tears spilled, so did his, a never ending stream of moisture seeping out of his eyes, his sobs choked back upon hearing her muted sniffles. And to make matters worse, he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't gather her defeated body into his arms. He couldn't wipe her tears away or kiss at the trail they'd leave behind. He couldn't hum her favorite songs to banish her sadness away. Because unlike the other times, he wasn't hers and she wasn't his. At this point, they were no more estranged than two strangers.

His hands shook by his side, forcing himself back from holding her to him. He had no place to do so. He was nothing to her anymore. It took every fiber of his being to separate him from where he was, leaning back onto the couch with a rough sigh, jaw clenched as he attempted to will away his tears. (y/n) similarly followed suit, her hand pressed against her mouth as if to quell the cries that wanted to break free. And they remained that way for what felt like an eternity, silencing their anguish on their own. The solitude felt like a stone pressing down on him, an aching reminder of what their relationship had eventually boiled down to.

They were childhood sweethearts. Ever since he could remember, he'd held a sweet spot for the girl next door. His friends had teased him relentlessly, the adults in his life equally tormenting him with the premise of one day marrying (y/n). So it was no shocker when he had confessed to her one fateful evening in the park by their neighborhood. What did come as a shock was when she had almost immediately reciprocated his feelings, dragging him into a bone crushing hug as she giggled away into his chest.

Seungkwan hadn't believed him the next day, giving him a once over with a raised eyebrow. His hair was frizzy with damage from repetitive bleaching, his clothes hung loosely on his lanky body, and his smile was obscured by an array of multicolored bands on his braces. Yet it only further proved her genuine affections for the boy.

They say love is blind, but it seemed like she had revealed to him a whole new plethora of shades never before seen by the human eye. The sky was bluer when he was with her, grass greener as they laid together in the field, the orange of his tiger plushies felt more vibrant whenever she cuddled one of them.

And even now, it still held true, his atmosphere intensifying in her presence just from her sitting there in front of him. She brought him such anguish, unearthing memories he had once tried so adamantly to bury away, yet she also brought this unfathomable peace in his heart, soothing the storm that had plagued his soul for the past six years in college. The thought was what finally calmed his tears, leaving dried streaks across his face. She had yet to stop her own.

"(y/n)." She finally spared him a wary glance, that same storm which racked his being now whirling in her irises.

In a much softer tone, he called out her name again, desperation laced in his voice, and perhaps even in his gaze, because just from looking at him, (y/n)'s resolve seemed to dissipate into thin air. With a quivering lip and another bout of tears welling up in her eyes, she found herself shifting over to the couch, collapsing into Soonyoung's arms with a loud, agonizing sob.

Her body quaked in his arms as he finally held her again, his face burying into her hair and breathing in her scent. Her arms had wrapped around his torso, fingers clenched desperately into his shirt, tugging him impossibly closer to her. He could feel the warmth of her tears seeping into the material of his top, attempting to coax more tears out of him, yet he remained as is, striving to keep his strength for the both of them in this moment.

"You left me," she cried into his shoulder, voice wrought with unwavering sorrow. "You broke my heart." That familiar lump began forming at the base of Soonyoung's throat, yet he swallowed away the threat of tears once more, simply opting to drag her closer into his frame.

He shut his eyes, his breaths heavy and ragged as he took in her despondency, feeling firsthand how his capricious actions had not only destroyed himself, but also the love of his life.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, voice broken as he spoke through his own misery. "I'm so sorry, (y/n). I could apologize for an eternity and then some, and it would never amount to the regret I feel." His hand rubbed up and down her back, attempting to repress at least some of her sadness at the moment. "I thought… I thought this would be better for you. You didn't deserve to suffer in a long distance relationship. I thought it would be better to let you go so you can actually experience the fulfilling relationship you deserve."

"That's so fucking stupid," she sobbed out, each syllable sounding forced out through the exhaustion already setting in from her crying session.

"I know."

"You broke my heart, you asshole."

"I know." She had mumbled out a few more indiscernible words that had intertwined with her next bout of cries, until eventually it had dissolved into nothing. The tight grip she had on Soonyoung had loosened, her face once buried in his chest now lolled loosely against his shoulder, and the quivering of her body now replaced by the gentle rise and fall of her steady breathing. And with her now silently sleeping away, he took the opportunity by himself to let out his own tears once more, littering the top of her head with soft kisses as he wallowed in his own pitiful state. Embracing the girl he had abandoned and broken, begging for forgiveness as if he deserved anything from her. His apologies fell upon deaf ears as she slept, yet it hadn't deterred him from continuously whispering his pleas to her.

The only thing that seemed to stop his mantra was Seokmin squeezing his shoulder.

"Hey Soon," he called out quietly, snapping him out of his daze as he looked up at his friend. "Let's head home. You guys had enough for the day. There's always tomorrow."

Soonyoung nodded, rising to his feet with (y/n) in his arms as Seokmin guided him to her bedroom. Soonyoung spared her one last glance as he laid her there, brushing back her hair and stroking her cheek, taking in her peaceful expression once more before departing. Seokmin was at the entrance with Jihyo already, the two talking to one another in a low voice, as if the tension of before still resided even with (y/n) fast asleep.

Upon Soonyoung's arrival, their conversation faded into nothing, Seokmin offering the man a gentle smile upon taking in his beaten form.

"Hey buddy, how are we feeling?" Soonyoung's silence was answer enough, staring at his friend blankly with red eyes and a puffy face. "Ah, that's good, that's good. Like I said, there's always tomorrow. Let's get you home now, yeah?" Seokmin bid Jihyo goodbye with one last nod before heading out the door.

Before Soonyoung could fully walk out the door, his body halted in its spot, standing at the threshold of the apartment with Jihyo staring up at him confusedly.

"Chaerim," he spoke, voice gravelly from his earlier happenings. "Is she mine?"

He didn't know what brought this upon him. In any other instance, he'd be horrified at the sudden audacity he obtained to have asked such an illicit question. Yet right now, he was numb. His body ached. His heart felt drained beyond reparation. He felt like nothing. So what was there to lose with such a risky move?

Jihyo was silent for another moment, until she shook her head out of the corner of his eye.

"No," she stated, voice weak as she looked at the defeated man before her. "No, she's not. I'm sorry."

Soonyoung shut his eyes, nodding at her words before fully walking out, meeting up with Seokmin at the elevator.

It was an answer he had anticipated, one that was honestly expected, yet somewhere deep in his heart, he had truly thought she was his daughter. That she was the product of his and (y/n)'s love. That he possibly still had a chance with (y/n), as long as that fragment of their relationship still existed in this world. Yet it was all hopeful wishing.

Even long after Seokmin dropped Soonyoung off at his parent's house, bidding the man goodbye and promising to return tomorrow, the events of the day still weighed heavily upon him. And even after shutting his eyes and going to sleep, the memories of (y/n) tormented him throughout the night. Illusions of what could have been had he chosen her at the end. The happy life he could have had with (y/n) in his arms. Chaerim could have been his. He could have had a daughter as beautiful as her. Yet he had given it all up for a piece of paper.

The last person he had seen that night was Seokmin, and he had also wound up being the first person he saw when he woke up the next morning.

"Soonyoung," he called out, shaking the man's shoulders until he stirred from his slumber. "Time to wake up."

The aforementioned man did not look his best, to say the least. Eyes completely bloodshot, face puffy beyond recognition, and his usual sanguine demeanor was depleted until he sat there as nothing more than a breathing human. The living embodiment of the contrast between living and surviving.

Though Seokmin didn't seem too perturbed by his friend's ragged appearance, merely cooing as he patted down the disheveled mane on Soonyoung's head.

"You ready to get back into the ring today?" His voice was chipper, comparable to that of a kindergarten teacher to their students, yet it had little to no effect on Soonyoung who grumbled in response to his patronizingly toned question.

Seokmin stood there as Soonyoung dragged his feet about the room, tugging on whatever clothes he could find, brushing his teeth as he combed his hair, attempting to stay awake through Seokmin's droning dialogue in the background.

"I got everyone's schedule for today. Mingyu and Vernon have the day off. Chan gets off later on today, so he could join us whenever. Seungkwan and Junhui said they couldn't come today because they're working, but Joshua literally has the closing shift and said he'd come around at midnight, so I think they're just not committed enough, you know?

"Jeonghan and Minghao have not responded to me yet, but Jeonghan literally posted on Instagram yesterday, so I know he's ignoring me. Seungcheol and Wonwoo said no for today, but they are available later on this week. Did I forget anybody? I feel like I'm forgetting someone?"

(y/n).

He wanted to ask how she was. If she had fared well after last night. How she felt this morning, waking up after such an eventful night. How Chaerim was doing. What the girls were up to this morning. What they'd be doing later on. If (y/n) still wore blue every Wednesday and acted like it wasn't an actual routine of hers because she didn't think anyone would notice. If he could see her again today.

"Jihoon!" Seokmin snapped his fingers upon realizing, laughing to himself soon after. "Jihoon is busy right now, but he'll join us later."

Their conversation continued once they were in Seokmin's car and driving off.

"So we're going to pick up Mingyu and Vernon and head out for breakfast. At around 12, Jihoon said he'd come join us, so maybe we can take a walk around downtown for old time's sake. At 2, I have to pick up Chaerim and drop her off at Jihyo's, but Chan should–"

"Chaerim?" Soonyoung's eyebrows had risen at the mention of the girl's name, turning to face Seokmin with sudden fascination at the schedule. "You pick up Chaerim from school?"

"Well, from daycare, yeah," Seokmin responded, eyes still trained on the street, but still with that soft grin plastered to his face, the casual air he has when talking about the girl stirring this envious feeling within Soonyoung. "Jihyo gets out of work at 2, but the daycare is pretty out of place on her route home, so I pick up Chaerim and hand her to Jihyo. And then at 5, (y/n) gets out of work and she retrieves the child from Jihyo and they head home."

Soonyoung sat there enraptured at Seokmin's words, nodding and absorbing everything said as if he himself would need the knowledge in the coming future. Seokmin kept talking afterwards, continuing where he left off regarding Chan's and Josh's arrival before they had finally reached their destination.

This 24/7 breakfast joint they'd frequent as they grew up, Attacca. They'd eat waffles there as a child with their families, eat waffles after school while procrastinating on doing their homework, eat waffles on snow days when they had nothing better to do, eat waffles at 2 am after late night parties at each other's houses. And even now as the four of them sat together to catch up, they ate those exact same waffles.

"You still have the high score on Galaga?" Soonyoung gaped as Vernon nodded cockily, leaning back against the chipped leather of the booth they sat at, arms raised triumphantly while he basked in the glory of his achievements.

"The undefeated champion still reigns to this day." Vernon began waving to his imaginary fans, blowing kisses and posing for photos as Mingyu grimaced at the overplayed fantasy happening before him.

"He goes to that same rundown laundromat every month to make sure he hasn't been bested, as if kids are even still going there." Soonyoung chuckled at Mingyu's words, which had supposedly gone over Vernon's head as he continued to fantasize about the glories of victory, muttering to himself about how he would love to accept Oprah's invitation to her show. "Though on the less pathetic side of things, my restaurant is doing very well."

"I can't believe you actually own a restaurant." Soonyoung took a sip from his chocolate milk, humming in amusement at the thought of Chef Mingyu. "That's insane. Congrats, man."

"Thank you very much."

"Yeah, Mingyu said he'd serve us for free next time we go," Seokmin quickly added, earning a kick under the table from Mingyu himself.

"Wait, is Mingyu finally feeding us for free?" Vernon asked, mouth agape as he finally snapped out of whatever trance he had propelled himself into minutes earlier.

"No, Mingyu is not feeding you freeloaders." Mingyu elbowed Vernon as he spoke, glaring at the group before him with disgust. "You get discounts at most, but I'd go bankrupt if you all came to my restaurant for free."

"You hear that, boys, dinner at Mingyu's tonight." Seokmin tossed his hand forward, immediately receiving a high five from Vernon on command as the two continued to goad Mingyu. With a roll of his eyes, he redirected his attention to Soonyoung, offering the man an excited smile.

"So, Soonyoung, what's up with you? Six years on your own, new degree, job offer. You've got so much going on for you!"

"Thanks." Soonyoung smiled, stirring his straw in his drink absentmindedly as his eyes lowered to the table's surface. "I'll be off again in a few weeks presumably. For that job offer."

"I don't know if this is dumb of me to ask, but what does an engineer do?" Vernon questioned, shoveling another load of waffle into his mouth.

Soonyoung pouted as he thought about the question, because to be fair, he doesn't even know what his job will entail. Six years in college. He's learned his way around a computer. He knows how to fix things now. That's pretty much all he can say, because to be honest, he doesn't know what awaits him in the future. He doesn't know what finally entering the field of his career entails for him. He doesn't know if it'll be what he had anticipated out of such an intensive career. If it'll prove the regrets that stir within him wrong, prove that it was worth leaving everything behind to pursue.

Suddenly, Chaerim and (y/n) came to mind. A little glimpse of them together popped into his head, (y/n) chiding her daughter who had just planted a kiss onto his nose. With those two girls remaining in his mind, he was beginning to seriously doubt that last presumption of his.

Because no amount of money in the world could possibly top the exhilarating feeling that settled at the base of his heart when he was with them both yesterday.

"I don't know," Soonyoung announced, rather proudly regarding the circumstances, causing the lot to burst into laughter at his own confusion.

"Well, hopefully it comes easy to you," Mingyu spoke, bringing his coffee mug up to his lips for a sip. "Who would have thought the tech challenged Soonyoung would become a software engineer of all things."

"I wasn't that bad."

"You typed like a grandma after her fifth shot of tequila," Vernon interjected with a shake of his head. "We all know (y/n) was the one who had prepared all of your presentations for you."

Soonyoung nervously chuckled at the mention of her name. His technical ex girlfriend, as painful as it sounded. And as true as that was, so was Vernon's statement.

They'd be lying on his bed, her laptop in between them as she helped organize his notes and points on one PowerPoint. She'd type away, showing him different things the program offered, putting in her own input on designing, and he'd merely sit there and listen, head tucked away in the nook of her neck as he dozed off to her gentle voice. He'd fall asleep while she worked, and she'd wake him up by littering kisses all over his face. He'd rehearse his presentation for her alongside the PowerPoint, just to show how her work would not be going to waste. She'd applaud him, congratulating him even though he had done the bare minimum, but it felt good nevertheless. To be doted upon by the girl he loves the most, falling asleep in her arms the night before his project, that good luck kiss before he'd enter class that he swore was the key to his passing grades.

Soonyoung would wait for (y/n) after class to tell her how it went, and the smile she'd bless him with was like the cherry on top of it all. This big, gorgeous smile that was so bright and happy for him and him alone.

As if punishment upon him, for even daring to derive even a shred of happiness from a past memory, the blissful image of (y/n)'s smile had been torn away from him, instead replaced by one of their last moments together.

It was in his room as he was packing away his clothes for college. (y/n) sat on his bed, folding whatever she could and neatly organizing it into his luggage whilst filling the quietude with her thoughts.

Though Soonyoung couldn't really recall much of what she was saying that day. He was too into his own head. He was too distracted by his own thoughts plaguing his psyche. Thoughts that he had initially written off as intrusive ones that would soon fade away, though they remained recurrent, sprouting forth practically every moment he spent with (y/n) until every waking second of his life revolved around those thoughts and those thoughts alone.

(y/n) managed to snap him back into reality as she began directing her voice towards him.

"You'll have to text me when you get situated over there!" She gushed, far more excited for him than he was for himself. "I mean, you'll text me when you get there of course, but you have to text me when everything's settled and you have some spare time. I can fly over and meet you." She slipped off his bed, shuffling over to him and wrapping him in a hug. Soonyoung naturally reciprocated it, arms embracing her against him, relishing in the warmth and comfort that came with holding her. That keen familiarity that he'd never grow weary of no matter the distance or the time which passed. But even so, even with her presence serving as an anchor for him, his mind was elsewhere, drifting far from reason and compiling what he could only describe as utter nonsense now.

"(y/n)," he muttered aloud, somehow hoping she wouldn't hear him even though he spoke right by her ear. She hummed, cursing him into finishing what he had started. "How do you feel about all of this?"

"About what? College?" He hesitantly pulled away from her, arms loosely holding her as he took in her appearance once more, as if needing the momentary motivation to continue with whatever he was doing.

"About me going to college. About me leaving everything behind." His eyes flickered about her face, tension settling in his eyebrows as his emotions were already beginning to seep through his facade. "About me leaving you behind."

"That's a weird way of putting it," she laughed dismissively at his words, though still hummed in thought. "I feel… conflicted." His arms strained for a second, briefly gripping onto (y/n) as she paused for consideration. "Of course I'd love to have you with me or me with you, but we can't. At least not right now." She tilted her head with a pout forming on her lips before she smiled resolutely. "Life has other things planned for us right now. You're off to do great things, to study and get a career like you always wanted, and I'll be here, finding some sort of stability like I've always wanted.

"But that's okay," she tugged him along with her to the bed, seating him on the edge and cozying herself against him, head resting on his shoulder with her arms draped over him. "Because we'll always be here supporting one another. I'll be right here when you're ready to come back."

He hadn't even realized he was crying until he felt a tear brush past his lip, her words being the nail in the coffin for those incessant anxieties that had tormented him for weeks now.

"(y/n), I think we should break up."

The words felt like poison in his mouth, churning his stomach until it was wrought with absolute disgust. There was a conflict in his body, one that had him beating himself for having even uttered said cursed words, but it was too late. He had spoken his thoughts.

(y/n) had stiffened in his arms, silent as Soonyoung battled with himself, but then she slowly pulled away from him. Her eyes were blank at first, face stoic whilst analyzing his expression for any sign of humor or any indication that what he said was merely a cruel joke. But it wasn't.

"Soonyoung, what are you trying to do? Talk to me before making such a large decision like that on your own." Even at such a young age, she was so mature. It was something he had always admired about her. How level headed she was, how calm and patient she became whenever he was off his hinges. She continued to show that maturity of hers, concealing whatever emotions she may be feeling and instead waiting for Soonyoung to calm down enough to talk.

"I…" He had begun, eyes straying to his lap when he felt his words get caught in his throat, his body quaking with an incoming sob, though quickly collecting himself, clearing his throat of any obstruction and continuing. "You have been the light of my life for as long as I can remember. I've loved you for longer than I could even talk. You are the love of my life, and that's very clear to see." He paused, gathering his thoughts once more. (y/n) remained where she sat, hands having slid down to his biceps where they tentatively rested. "And all I've ever wanted was your happiness… But I think I will become that obstacle for you. I will be the thing preventing you from being happy."

"Why would you ever say that about yourself, Soonyoung?" She cupped his face, bringing his gaze back to her intimidatingly serious one. "You can't be in the way of my happiness if you are my happiness."

"(y/n), we've never been away from each other for even a day." Soonyoung all but wept, eyes blurring with tears as he laughed incredulously at his own statement. School field trips, family road trips, even girl scout camping included them both, Soonyoung somehow getting away with disguising as his sister when they were all children. "I don't think we'll be able to make it long distance."

"Who says we can't?"

"I do." His voice was broken, as was the rest of him, barely able to hold himself where he sat. (y/n) was quiet for a moment, in complete shock of what was happening in front of her.

"Why are you so confident we can't do long distance? Sure, we've never been apart, but who's to say we can't survive away from each other? Soonyoung…" Yet again, (y/n) found herself redirecting his attention back to her, making sure he could see the absolute resolve in her eyes. "I love you. And I know you love me just as much. Isn't that enough reassurance?"

Soonyoung could see how serious she was. He could see how much she was holding back, wanting to also burst into tears alongside him at such a scary moment in their lives, but even so, he had his mind settled.

"No, it's not." She flinched at his words, her hands suddenly pulled away from him as if his skin were fire. She was taken aback, eyes wavering as Soonyoung began rubbing away his tears.

"Why are you acting this way? You're not even giving us a chance. You're acting as if everything we've built together was for nothing. As if all those years together were just child's play when you literally mean the world to me."

"(y/n), I love you," he interjected, shutting his eyes and taking a deep, final breath. "I love so much. You are everything to me. And I know I can't live without you. But I can't bear to see you lose yourself to a long distance relationship like this."

"Soonyoung–"

"You deserve a fulfilling and present love. A love that you won't have to struggle with time differences just to video call, a love where you don't have to be decided over homework, a love that's just as invigorating and perfect as you, and I'm no longer a viable option."

He didn't know what had done it—which of his words had finally broken her fortitude, but before he knew it, he heard sniffling beside him, and when he finally met her gaze again, there were tears running down her face, lips downturned whilst staring back at him in disappointment.

"Who even are you anymore?" He stayed quiet at her question, not really knowing how to even answer this if he had wanted to. Physically, he was still Soonyoung, but so much had happened in such a short duration of time that he felt like his soul lay dormant deep within him. He didn't know what entity of sorts took over that compelled him to act in such a way and feel these doubts he's never felt before, but there was no changing him at this point.

And within seconds, this strong, independent girl Soonyoung had grown to love with all of his heart had deteriorated with defeat. She pulled her hands away from his in lieu of shielding her face, leaving cold pockets on his body from where her touch had once resided. He felt a stab at his heart as she silently wept to herself, a sight he rarely if ever saw from her. And to know that he was the reason she was like this killed him inside.

Yet even so, he still didn't take back his words. He didn't apologize for destroying their relationship so heartlessly. He just sat there, watching her, knowing this would be the last image of her he'd see before flying the next morning.

And as greedy as it was—as absolutely cold and insensitive as it was for him to do—he slid closer to her, hands hovering over her wrists for a second more, as if giving himself one more chance to stop, but it seemed as if his body had now begun running on autopilot. Latching onto her hands, he gently tugged them away from her face, cupping her cheeks so as to have her looking at him.

She was crushed, tears an endless stream of moisture seeping from her now reddened eyes, facial muscles contorted with sadness. It was a sight that absolutely destroyed Soonyoung, yet still it was undeniable in his mind: she was as beautiful as she had always been and always would be.

Perhaps it was with that thought, that subtle reminder that he truly did and always would love her for who she was, that compelled him to lean forward, pressing his lips onto hers one last time, as if one last proclamation of his eternal love for her. His eyes had shut, tears slipping away from him as he brought her closer to him, pouring out every ounce of affection he could, hoping that what his words failed to convey, his kiss would translate—show her that somewhere in him, Soonyoung still resided; that she hadn't lost him entirely yet.

She had kissed him back, hands threading through his hair and pulling him closer, afraid that if she had let go, he'd disappear from her forever.

And her fears had proven true. After that last night together, tangled in each other's limbs, their final moments expressing their love for one another, he had left, leaving behind a kiss on her forehead and his heart now in her hands as he flew across the country, an emotionless void as he pursued what he thought he'd always wanted.

His demeanor had changed greatly during breakfast, something Seokmin had noticed almost immediately. The boys agreed to meet up later when the others were available, agreeing to hit up some places around the city together. Seokmin was driving Soonyoung home for the time being, refraining from mentioning his solemn expression as he sat in the passenger's seat quietly. The man had too many thoughts running through his mind at all times. It was something that Soonyoung had always dealt with. They'd be talking about one thing, and within a second, Soonyoung would have changed the route of their conversation because he suddenly remembered something. Though now rather than his silly little conversational segues growing up, his thoughts seemed a dark place that no one would want to venture into. Seokmin just hoped that their friends would be able to distract him some later tonight.

Once they pulled into the driveway of Soonyoung's parent's house, they both stepped out of the vehicle, making their way to the entrance until Seokmin's phone began ringing.

"Hello?" He swiftly answered as Soonyoung fished for his keys. "What? Wait– hold on– Grandma, I– Slow down for a second, slow down. Are you okay? Are you hurt at all?" Soonyoung turned around, eyes widening in shock as he looked at a very concerned and confused Seokmin. "Okay, I'll be right there. Just stay put."

"What happened?"

"She got into a car accident. She said it's a minor one, but still."

"Of course, I understand, go over there," Soonyoung insisted, already ushering Seokmin over to his car.

"Wait, Soonyoung, wait." They both stopped for a moment, facing each other with equally troubled expressions. "It's almost 2 o'clock." Soonyoung's mouth dropped immediately, hand resting on his forehead as he began to truly process Seokmin's plight.

"Chaerim…"

"I know it's a lot to ask of you, but could you pick her up for me?" Seokmin asked, already unlocking his car as he waited for Soonyoung's answer, which came seconds later in vigorous nods. It brought a small smile to his face, seeing some form of life once more in his friend's eyes. "Great, thank you so much, dude. I'll text you the address. I owe you big time."

Once Seokmin had left, Soonyoung immediately rushed into the house to grab his keys before driving off. He must've broken quite a few traffic laws considering he made it to the store, bought a car seat, and installed it, all with just minutes to spare before 2.

He double checked the booster seat once more, shaking it around to ensure it was latched on safely, before he backed away with a huff, turning his attention to her daycare he was parked in front of.

A quaint little location with trees and flowers littered around the front, a sign of alternating primary colors reading 'Little Sun Daycare' under a rainbow arch with clouds on either side. From where he stood, he could see a large, open backyard with all the things to occupy a child's attention span. Though it was barren, so he knew they were all likely nestled away safely inside.

He rubbed his suddenly sweaty palms on the front of his jeans before pulling the door open, wincing at the loud chime over his head once he saw what he had walked into. About a dozen or so children, all scattered across the floor with blankets and pillows as a faint lullaby played on loop behind them. He stood there awkwardly, frozen in place with his eyes darting from each and every child, checking to see if any stirred, though luckily it seemed he'd gotten away with it.

Another moment passed before a lady came around the corner, steps light and casual like the seasoned caregiver she most likely was. She was older with brown hair pulled into a bun, a few wiry gray strands sticking to and fro from what must've been an already strenuous day with the children. She offered Soonyoung a gentle smile, revealing wrinkles that curved with her face, as if showing how often they formed due to her frequent grins and happiness.

"Hello," Soonyoung whispered, practically tiptoeing closer to her out of fear of making any more noise. "I'm sorry for… that." He gestured grandly to the bell behind him. She snickered, waving her hand dismissively to him.

"It's alright, dear, these kids can usually sleep through a stampede." Her voice was low, though definitely not as quiet as Soonyoung had been, and he found himself quickly adapting to her volume levels as she went behind the front desk. "Pick-up?"

"Oh… Yes, I'm here for pick-up." He nodded at her words, somewhat surprised at how quickly she had deduced his reason for coming. She handed him a clipboard of names, presumably that of the kids, before she left to go into the room of napping children.

His eyes scanned the list before settling on Chaerim's. There were two boxes in her row, one for drop off and one for pick-up. (y/n)'s name was already signed in one, and Soonyoung needed a moment to collect himself, gaze now focused on her signature. It was silly of him to feel so affected by mere writing, especially when he had written his name next to hers on the pick-up column. It had the same satisfaction as when he'd write his name with her last name growing up, long before he had the bravery to ask her out and he was merely dealing with a crush that rotted his brain away.

Chaerim. (y/n). Soonyoung.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a little voice calling out to him.

"Soonie?" He turned around, heart swelling as he saw a tired Chaerim rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her face was puffy, hair in complete disarray, but she looked absolutely adorable to him. He crouched to his knees with a smile on his face, and that was supposedly enough of a boost for the girl to all but launch herself into his hold, tiny arms thrown around his neck as she buried her face into his shoulder. A warmth spread through his body as he cradled her against him, standing to his full height before facing the woman again.

"She had almost an hour-long nap. Snack time was just before naptime, so she may be hungry. And she was praised today for sharing toys with the other kids." Soonyoung chuckled at this, patting her back approvingly as she refused to stray from where she nestled herself into him.

"Thank you so much," he responded to her, backing away towards the door as he waved goodbye to her.

"Of course. It's lovely to finally meet you!" The words hadn't really hit him until the door had closed behind them. Then he, had stood there frozen for another moment, eyes widened when he processed both her implication and how she had wordlessly gone to retrieve Chaerim. He bit back a smile, continuing his trek to his car as he greeted the little girl in his arms.

"Are you surprised?" He felt her nod against him.

"Yeah," she mumbled into his shirt. "Because usually it's Uncle Seokmin who picks me up. But today, it was Soonie." His cheeks were already hurting from smiling and he hadn't even gotten into the car yet.

"I like the name you've given me," he replied to her as he strapped the little girl into her seat, shaking her around a bit to check again for stability purposes, earning a few bubbly giggles from her before he slipped into the driver's seat.

"Are we going to Aunt Jihyo's? Uncle Seokmin usually takes me to Aunt Jihyo's afterwards. And then Aunt Jihyo and I play games and watch movies until mommy comes." Soonyoung hummed happily at her babbling in the background, refreshing his chat with Seokmin where he had only sent him the address to the daycare. Soonyoung sent a second text out, even though his other one hadn't been read yet. He knew it'd be a stretch asking Chaerim for directions, so with a shake of his head, he began backing out of the parking lot.

"I was actually thinking we could hang, you and me. How does that sound?"

"Yeah!" She hollered loudly, all that drowsiness she had before dissipating as she kicked her legs excitedly.

To be fair, if he weren't driving, he'd also probably be kicking his legs around, the thought of spending time with Chaerim just as exciting of an idea to him as it was to her, and he hadn't even had a full conversation with the girl on his own. It just comes to show how invigorating of a person she was at such a young age already. Just as entrancing as her mother.

It was almost by nature that he had navigated them to the park. It was a quaint area filled with lush trees and winding cobbled paths. At the center of it all was a lake where many visitors would fish or feed the wildlife, and that main walkway encircled the body of water, a route many morning joggers would wind up taking.

Their town wasn't necessarily small, but it also wasn't a grand city with a variety of things to do and places to visit; as such, the park was a sight he and his friends had frequented often whilst growing up together. He remembers learning to skip stones with Minghao at the lake, climbing around the playground with Mingyu and Seokmin as if it were an obstacle course where they couldn't touch the floor, playing manhunt with everyone in the middle of the night. Asking out (y/n) as the sun was setting behind them. It was a place he held near and dear to his heart, and something in him wanted to create even more memories now with Chaerim by his side.

The girl seemed perhaps even more excited than he was, if that were even possible, already preemptively pressing the red button of her car seat and freeing herself from her restraints. Though she sat there anyways, waiting for Soonyoung to turn off the car and take her out of her seat himself.

With her little hand wrapped around two of his fingers, they strolled through the park together, Soonyoung letting her ramble away to her heart's content.

"You should be happy I named you Soonie," she called out to him from where she walked below. He hummed in acknowledgement at this, a confused yet amused smile crossing his face as she continued speaking. "Uncle Seokmin keeps asking me to change his name, but I don't want to."

"Why not? A nickname would be much shorter than Uncle Seokmin."

"What's a nickname?"

"It's when you shorten the person's name. You call me Soonie instead of Soonyoung. Soonie is a nickname."

"Why can't it be your real name?"

"It could if I legally change it."

"Change it."

"Maybe some other day," Soonyoung laughed at her insistence, gazing down at her fondly. How lucky you would have had to been to be blessed with Chaerim's presence on a daily basis. It was a relieving thought to know that three of the most trustworthy people he could name were her guardians.

Jihyo, who had been with (y/n) for years to come. A friend that was one in a million. Someone who stood the test of time, never once straying from (y/n) throughout the duration of their friendship.

He remembers when he had gotten into a fight on (y/n)'s behalf, having heard a guy talking crassly about her. It was Jihyo who had yanked Soonyoung off the guy, urging him to rethink his decision. The last thing (y/n) would want out of this was her boyfriend to be suspended for fighting this jerk. But when the guy continued with his vulgar language regarding (y/n), Jihyo had performed quite possibly the most impressive elbow drop ever seen, landing them both into weeks of detention together.

It was a silly thing to bond over, but nonetheless had sealed a sort of unspoken friendship that neither of them had expected.

Then there was Seokmin, one of his best friends since elementary school—and still claiming that title today.

He was inherently kindhearted, accepting of anyone no matter their circumstances. Soonyoung berated him at times for putting others before himself too often, though it seemed like it didn't affect Seokmin in the slightest. As if he derived all of his enjoyment from helping others, both a selfless but also selfish matter as he did think of others, but he mostly did it because it brought himself joy. Still a saint if there ever was one, and from what he's heard thus far regarding his participation in Chaerim and (y/n)'s life, this still proved true.

Then there was (y/n). Were there even words to describe how perfect (y/n) was? How sweet and caring and loving she is. Warm and doting with kisses that can heal any ailment, physical or emotional. Thoughtful and patient and compassionate. Soonyoung had brought the passion in their relationship, the whimsy that made love so worthwhile and memorable. Yet she was the stability in their relationship, able to ground Soonyoung when he grew too rambunctious, quell any argument that would surface between them, balance the energy Soonyoung evoked with her own tranquility.

There was no better person to mother such an adoring child as Chaerim. No better person to be raised by with such love and tenderness. There was no person like (y/n), nor would there ever be.

"Why is it called nickname?" Chaerim suddenly chimed in, catching Soonyoung off guard who just spoke the first thing in his mind, in a feeble attempt to impress the young girl with his nonexistent knowledge.

"Nick is the shortened version of Nicholas." His eyes had widened comically at his words, impressed by how the reasoning seemed to fit the context, yet also dumbfounded by how idiotic he was. Chaerim didn't seem to be affected by his nonsense.

"So Soonyoung is your Nicholasname?"

"Yes." He could already sense another question on the tip of the inquisitive girl's tongue, and Soonyoung couldn't find it in himself to lie to her again. "Oh, look at that!" He threw his hand up with a gasp leaving his mouth, pointing to the ice cream truck just off the edge of the path they walked on. While he seemed excited, Chaerim was otherwise unimpressed, drawing nearer to him as they stopped in their path.

"I'm not allowed to have ice cream," she explained, to which Soonyoung gaped at her response, almost immediately crouching to her level in shock.

"Why not? Is it something about spoiling your dinner?" She hummed at his question, needing a moment to herself to think of her words.

"Mommy says I can't. She says I lack toes in taller ants." Soonyoung blinked in wonder at this, in complete and utter confusion at what she was getting at. Lack toes in taller ants. Lack toes. In taller ants.

"Lack toes… Lactose intolerant." His voice was barely above a whisper, both hesitant of his conclusion, but also fearful for the answer—on whether she truly is lactose intolerant.

She nodded.

His breathing was shaky, nerves alight as he nodded at her response. His heart felt like it had seized in his chest for a moment, yet even with the internal panic setting in, he still felt a smile twitching at his lips.

"Well, lucky for you, this ice cream truck has ice cream you can eat." Her eyes widened, a wide toothy grin setting in.

"Really?"

"Yeah. And you can trust me on this. I'm also lactose intolerant." She laughed in absolute wonderment, allowing him to scoop her up and take her to the ice cream truck he used to visit as a child himself.

Ordering the ice cream felt sort of like a fever dream as he was still processing the newfound information. The coincidences were becoming far too frequent for him to ignore. Chaerim's undeniable resemblance to him that has even stumped people outside their circumstances. Chaerim's genetic lactose intolerance that she had to have gotten from someone other than (y/n). Even now as they ate their sorbets, they had similar tastes.

"I don't like this," Chaerim said, sticking out her tongue in disgust.

"Then why'd you ask for it?"

"Mommy says I like peaches." Soonyoung chuckled at this, glancing down at his strawberry sorbet one last time before extending it to the girl seated beside him.

"Here, try mine." She leant forward, biting into the pink dome of sweetness before humming in delight and nodding. Gone was his strawberry, now eating her peach one—which he also didn't really like all that much.

She was cozied up into his side, all but devouring her strawberry treat while Soonyoung soaked in the moment. He memorized the way the sun beat down upon them, how the cool breeze passed by and chilled the perspiration settling on their faces. The feeling of fulfillment gripping at his heart just from being with Chaerim, feeling her so close to his side, taking in the radiance she emitted, her happiness that he had managed to instill in her. It was an emotion he never thought existed, but now couldn't get enough. Something only she seemed to awaken in him, and something he'd quite possibly never grow weary of.

"DK," She shouted enthusiastically all of the sudden, startling Soonyoung some out of his thoughts.

"What's DK?"

"Uncle Seokmin."

"How'd you come up with that?"

"It's the letters in his name. Seok and Min."

"That's not… There's no… Okay." She giggled at him, causing him to laugh along with her. Her head pressed into the side of his chest, right along where his heart seemed to beat more obviously by the moment. It was such a perfect moment, and Soonyoung's delusions seemed to continuously feed into that delight, yet something in him nagged incessantly, a voice that seemed to call upon his downfall as his mouth opened. "Chaerim… How old are you?"

"I'm turning 4." She proudly raised up four fingers into Soonyoung's sight, and his heart all but shattered alongside the fantasy that had been concocted in his head at the moment.

She was 3. Far too young to have been his child.

He didn't understand. There was so much that said otherwise. So many signs that supported his beliefs. So many reasons to prove that she was his daughter. It confused him. It left his heart in fractures. It had this numb feeling quickly settling in, reminding him that he was nothing. That he was delusional to have even thought for a moment Chaerim was his. That he had even the slightest chance of reconnecting with (y/n). That he could ever possibly get this dream life that he had abandoned on his own.

"Soonie, I like ice cream. Can we get more later?" He bit his lip, blinking away the tears that threatened to surface and began nodding his head. A grin settled over his face at Chaerim's request, sighing in relief as he was forced back into reality. The reality that although he wasn't her father, he still very much so loved this little girl, and nothing could change that.

"Of course, sunshine," he cooed, fingers combing through the thin strands of her jet black hair. "We'll have to get permission from your mommy first. I'm not even sure if I was allowed to do this much."

"And when mommy says yes, we can all get ice cream together." Soonyoung's heart skipped a beat at the mere mention of (y/n), but his mind blanked upon the insinuation of her joining them. The three of them all together, spending a day in the park eating ice cream like a little family.

His perfect little family.

"Yeah. We'll do just that."

"Pinky promise?" She held out her hand to him, pinky jutted out expectantly as she looked up at him.

"Pinky promise." He linked his pinky with hers, earning more of her pleased giggles that soothed away all of his anxieties.

Time passed by quickly, and soon Soonyoung was waiting at (y/n)'s door, seated on the ground as Chaerim continued talking to him. The elevator they had used to arrive at the apartment chimed, and out rushed a panicked (y/n), eyes manic as she zeroed in on her daughter.

"Mommy!" Chaerim called out, rushing over to the woman who dropped to her knees, a sigh of relief puffing out of her as she finally had her daughter back in her arms.

"My baby, thank heavens you're alright." Soonyoung smiled fondly at the sight, taking another moment to watch the two before he rose to his feet, garnering (y/n)'s attention.

"I'm sorry. I would've called you about the change in plans, but I basically only had Seokmin's number, and Seokmin was preoccupied." She nodded, also standing up with him, Chaerim wrapped in her arms.

"I understand," she responded, heading over to her front door. "Could you get my keys out of my bag?"

Soonyoung automatically obeyed, fishing out her keys in mere seconds as he unlocked the door for the two. He followed close behind, slipping her bag off her shoulder and allowing her to peacefully reconvene with her daughter in the living room, cradling the young girl for a few more minutes to herself.

"Mommy, Soonie picked me up today!"

"I know, that's so fun, isn't it?"

"Yeah! DK was busy, so Soonie came."

"DK?"

"And then we went to the park!" Soonyoung snorted as Chaerim completely ignored (y/n)'s confusion, leaning against the wall and watching (y/n) struggle to keep up with her daughter. "We went to the park and we had ice cream!"

"Ice cream?" She turned to look at Soonyoung, a hint of confusion, but upon seeing him mouth 'sorbet', she nodded in understanding, smiling as she returned to her daughter. "That's exciting! Was it yummy?"

"No!" Chaerim proclaimed proudly, (y/n)'s jaw dropping at the rollercoaster of a conversation happening. "I had peach ice cream first."

"You don't like peaches." Soonyoung had to hold back his laugh, chest quaking with contained cackles, remembering how confidently Chaerim had explained her mom telling her she liked peaches. Though that laughter dissipated, quickly replaced with betrayal as Chaerim continued.

"Soonie said I liked peaches." While Soonyoung was about to defend his position, (y/n) merely nodded, already accustomed to Chaerim's inconsistencies as a toddler. "But he gave me his strawberry, and it was really yummy!"

"You swapped ice creams?" (y/n) asked, gaze returning to Soonyoung, a ghost of a smile on her lips with that familiar glint of fondness returning to her eyes, a sight that Soonyoung couldn't recall the last time seeing, and it had him shaken to his core right at that moment, stomach twisting in knots and heart pounding against his chest as the emotions swirling in him seemed to awaken from their hibernation.

"Yeah we did! We can swap again next time with you!" (y/n) drifted her attention back to Chaerim, that fleeting tender gaze dissipating, soon replaced by confusion once more.

"What?"

"Soonie and I want you to eat ice cream with us!"

She didn't look back at Soonyoung, merely nodding in agreement and faintly smiling.

"Of course, sweetheart. I'll join you guys next time." Before Chaerim could offer her pinky as she did him, (y/n) stood from the couch. "Soonie has to go now though! Go ahead and say goodbye!"

(y/n) was already walking away as her daughter whined in protest, darting over to where Soonyoung resided and clinging to his legs.

"Soonie, don't go!"

God, he didn't want to. It was the last thing on his mind, especially when he met her glassy eyed stare, a pleading gaze begging him not to leave her. His heart was too weak for this, but he knew he couldn't disobey (y/n)'s decree, and he begrudgingly lowered to his knees, gathering Chaerim in his arms for one last hug.

"It's alright, sunshine. There's always another day. I made a promise, didn't I?" With one last squeeze, he pulled away, making sure he looked at her with the most unwaveringly resolute expression he could muster. "And I never break my promises."

She giggled and nodded, hugging him again before running off to her room, leaving (y/n) and him alone at the foyer.

"I'm really sorry about today," Soonyoung began, quick to break the silence before it grew to be too tense. "Seokmin had that issue with his grandmother, and he forgot to text me Jihyo's address–"

"It's okay, Soonyoung. Really." Her voice was soft as she cut him off, hand raised to silence him. "I should be thanking you, to be honest. This is probably the most fun she's had in a long time."

"No need to thank me at all." Soonyoung gave a subtle laugh, looking down at his feet bashfully. "Chaerim is the sweetest little girl out there. I had a very good day with her."

(y/n) smiled at this, nodding at his words before turning to begin making dinner.

"I'm glad. She seems to really like you." She hesitated for a moment, causing mid sentence. "Thank you… for giving her your time of day. It really means a lot to us."

"(y/n)..." He knew where her words came from. He could hear it in her tone. The pain. The betrayal. The wounds still fresh from when he had left her that morning. Left her to wake up on her own to an empty bed and no other word from him. Completely and utterly alone. He knew what he had done, and while he regretted it with every fiber of his being, he still stood there, contemplating what he could possibly say to someone he had left behind years and years ago. Because no matter how much he regrets his actions, he can never take it back. "I'm sorry… I know it doesn't make up for anything, but truly, I'm genuinely, desperately sorry."

Her eyes were focused on the granite of her countertop, hands shaking while clenched together on the surface. She was holding so much in, and it killed Soonyoung. Knowing he had left her this way. That he reduced her to this state.

"It's fine. It's in the past." Her voice was steady and calm, a contrast to her physical appearance where she seemed to be barely holding herself up. But in typical (y/n) fashion, she looked up at him, all emotion stowed away as she greeted him with that professional facade of hers; the one that she used on everyone to hide how she truly felt. The facade that she had never once directed to him because he could see right through it every time. And it hurt. Seeing how she couldn't even bear to share even a fragment of emotion to him anymore, as if last night's crying fest between the two was for nothing. He hated it. Indifference felt even colder than the sting of hatred. He'd much rather have preferred she loathed him to the depths of his soul, yet she just waved it off, smiling and making her way around him and to her door. "New era, new me. There's no use in holding grudges or holding on to the past. I appreciate everything you've done for Chaerim today. But I'm sure she's taken up quite a bit of your day, and I wouldn't want to waste anymore of your time."

The door was wide open before Soonyoung could even get a say in, and he unwillingly walked out of the apartment, steps slow and dragging as he passed by (y/n) avoiding his stare by focusing on the floor beneath them.

"I…" Soonyoung spoke as he passed the threshold of their home, turning around before (y/n) could start closing the door. She looked up at him, brows furrowed together warily at what he could possibly want. "Can I… take Chaerim out some days while I'm here?" Her mouth fell open, but nothing came out, merely shocked to hear Soonyoung's preposition. "I don't have any plans this month, and I really did enjoy my time with her. And I'll take good care of her. That is, only if we have your permission, of course."

"I'll… I'll have to see how she feels about this. You know, since it's also her opinion on the matter."

"Of course." Soonyoung hesitated for a moment, biting his lip in thought, but he urged himself to push forward. "Can I… give you my number? So we can stay in contact about… Chaerim?"

"Soonyoung…" She was tongue-tied to say the least, fumbling over noncommittal words and syllables, trying to get herself out of this situation, but to no avail. It brought a smile to his face as she pulled out her phone and handed it to him, because he did have a point. As a mother, she wouldn't want what happened today to happen again. Yes, Soonyoung was playing on her natural maternal instincts, but he meant well nevertheless.

With their numbers exchanged, she bid him farewell, thanking him one last time before allowing the door to fall closed behind her. And Soonyoung walked out of that apartment building triumphantly, pleased with himself and how his day had gone. His heart felt more full than it ever had before, all because he had the knowledge of (y/n)'s number stored into his phone. It was a silly thing, but something that had him beaming to himself as he took a moment to stare at her contact in his car. He felt like a schoolboy all over again, gushing about his crush who had given him the bare minimum, but God did the bare minimum feel like everything he's ever wanted in life.

He was snapped out of his revelry with his phone vibrating in hand, Seokmin's contact taking over his screen with an incoming call.

"Hello?" Soonyoung answered.

"Soonyoung, hey! It's Seokmin. I just wanted to check up on how everything's going. My grandma got checked up, she just has a few bruises that should clear up in a few weeks. Car doesn't look too good, but at least she's fine."

"That's great!" Soonyoung sighed for his friend, smiling at the good news. "I'm glad to hear everything is okay. As for me, today went well. I picked up Chaerim and took her to the park. We had some sorbets together, walked around a bit, and I just finished dropping her off at (y/n)'s."

"Awesome, I seriously owe you, dude."

"No, you don't." Soonyoung's eyes glanced up to (y/n)'s floor, comfortingly smiling at whatever the girls could be up to at this time. "I honestly owe you, if we're being honest."

"Ah, you see what I mean?" Seokmin spoke in a teasing manner, and Soonyoung could already envision the shit eating grin across his friend's face. "Isn't she the sweetest thing ever. I love hanging out with her."

"I do, too," Soonyoung confessed, eyes slowly moving down from the apartment building, naturally landing on his rearview mirror with a clear image of Chaerim's now empty booster seat. "Listen, Seokmin, I have a… serious question to ask you."

"Shoot, what's up?"

"Who's Chaerim's father?"

The line was dead silent with only the natural buzz of feedback to greet his ears. His hand clenched at the wheel, waiting for Seokmin's words which seemed to be far too delayed for his taste. As if this silence would stretch on for another eon with Soonyoung wasting away, waiting in anticipation for his answer, only hoping it's the one he wants.

"I don't know," Seokmin responded, his tone growing grave with his words. "I'm not sure… But I mean, Jihyo is basically her dad. We like to joke around that she's more of a dad than an aunt to the girl, you know what I mean?" Soonyoung pursed his lips, easily seeing how Seokmin redirected the conversation. But he didn't dwell on that, nodding to himself at his friend's excuse of an answer.

"Yeah, I get you. Jihyo is a real one."

"I actually have to go and deal with her now, because I had like 20 missed calls from her and I called you first to delay the inevitable when I have to call her back." Soonyoung expelled some air from his nose in a soft, breathy laugh.

"I wish you luck, my friend."

"Thank you, I'll be needing it. I'll pick you up at 8 tonight. Sounds good?"

"Sounds good to me."

Soonyoung may have drank too much last night. And he may have woken up with a hangover so bad that even laying on his pillow had his head pounding. All of this may hold true, but none of it stopped Soonyoung from downing some painkillers and heading out to the daycare, far too excited to even consider the pain throbbing at his skull. Because through all of the agony he had woken to, there was one shining light at the end of the dim tunnel; a text from (y/n), saying that both she and Chaerim had consented to him picking her up and spending the day with her.

He was lucky that the other guys were just as drunk as him, Seokmin not even reading Soonyoung's message telling him he was going to be busy that day—perhaps still knocked out after their rambunctious night, one that Soonyoung struggled to remember.

He could only remember glimpses of memories here and there. Joshua pulling a Gatorade out of his backpack and mixing it with his shot, attracting the attention of passersby who also wanted a douse of Gatorade infused in their liquor. He remembered Seokmin trying to front flip on the karaoke stage and failing miserably, laying there flat on his back as the instrumental to Call Me Maybe continued playing in the background. He remembered Mingyu and Chan trying to impress girls by using their strength in quite possibly the dumbest way Soonyoung had ever seen being attempted; Chan trying to do pull ups on Mingyu's arms who desperately flexed to try and hold the boy up—though it did manage to impress many guys at the bar, and they made quite a few gym friends along the way.

He was just grateful he managed to find his way home somehow in one piece, and made it a reminder to check on the others later in the day when they've likely recovered. But for now, he was on his way to the daycare, ready to retrieve Chaerim early so they could be together for even longer today.

The pick up was much like the day before, though this time, Soonyoung came before naptime and was greeted by many smiling faces playing together in the next room. The lady came to greet him once more as Chaerim clung to him again, and soon they were off.

"Where are we going today, Soonie!" She shouted from where she sat, inside voice out the window as she kicked her feet excitedly once more. The sight warmed his heart, the small mirrored image of her in his rearview mirror sparking this wholesome comfort in his heart, a fond smile stretching across his face.

"I haven't decided yet, sunshine," he replied. "We can go to the zoo–"

"The zoo!" She cried enthusiastically, the shrillness of her voice somewhat grating on his ear, triggering another throbbing sensation in his head, though he shook it off with a wince and a shrug. "I want the zoo, Soonie! I want the zoo!"

"Or we can go to the mall and I can buy you whatever you want."

She grew quiet all of a sudden, startling Soonyoung who quickly glanced at his rearview mirror to see the girl staring off into oblivion, mouth ajar and eyes glazed over. She sat there completely motionless for a few seconds, and Soonyoung was about to pull over to check on her when she suddenly sat up again.

"Soonie buys me toys at the zoo."

He blinked at her proposition, but nevertheless nodded with a laugh.

"Sounds like a plan. Good job finding a compromise so quickly."

"What's a com-pom-rise?"

The remainder of the journey was repetitive, to say the least, with Chaerim babbling nonsensically, hitting Soonyoung with unexpected questions as if to keep him on track with her discussions, singing songs together, and at some point she dozed off for five minutes before waking up fully energized.

And the zoo was as good an idea as ever, perhaps better than it had gone in his head when he had been deliberating on potential places to take the young girl. Her smile seemed to never fade throughout the day, a permanent fixture on her face as he brought her to each and every animal they had to offer. He'd hold her up to get a better view of the monkeys, summarize what the tour guides said in words she'd understand, even had his arm wrapped around her the entire time she was in the petting zoo, far too wary to approach any of the animals on her own.

All the while, he snapped photos of her and him, sending them to (y/n) to keep her updated. It felt bittersweet to have her on speed dial once more. Accessible to him at any moment in time. He'd remember them texting each other at night, using up all of their minutes just to be with the other. And later on, they'd call each other for hours at a time, his face pressed into the pillow and his phone resting on his ear, dozing off to the sound of her absent-minded humming. Though again, they were merely memories at this point. And he was reminded of that as he sent her the next batch of images, the last one staring back at him almost mockingly.

One where his face was pressed against Chaerim's, the both of them sporting the same toothy smile, cheeks puffed with joy and eyes crinkled into slits. While the fact still remained—that being Chaerim is not his biological child—he couldn't help but feel a sense of comfort looking at the image. A sort of reminder of what could have been. That this little girl is what his child with (y/n) would've looked like had he not thrown everything away.

"Soonie," said little girl called up to him, tugging at the hem of his shirt to summon his attention. "I'm tired."

That's right, he picked her up before naptime. Not only that, but they've been walking around the zoo for a few hours now. Of course she's bound to be tired, she's still practically a baby. He could probably find a quiet spot where she can nap. She can use his jacket as a blanket and his lap as a pillow. Would that be sufficient enough? What if it's too sunny out for her to nap? Is there a place that's even quiet enough? What if she collapses on him out of exhaustion?

Another tug at his shirt has him crouching to her height almost immediately, and Chaerim took the opportunity to latch onto his neck, scrambling into his arms so when he stood again, she was safely nestled against him. As if through magic, her touch settled the frenzied thoughts swirling in his head, silencing his incessant doubts and worries with a simple hug. The ends of her pigtails tickled beneath his jaw, grounding him and bringing a smile to his face.

This must've been what it felt like to be a father. The thought harrowing, the responsibilities debilitating, worries for your child being an inevitable occurrence with every waking moment. Yet at the end of the day, when you had them in your arm, feeling their comforting weight against you, it was like there was nothing to even worry about. Like all of those struggles endured were worth it in the end. Like nothing else in the world mattered, as long as they were safe and happy. This fulfilling sense of harmony like the calm after the storm, the remedy to his qualms, the spark of warmth in an otherwise frigid wasteland.

What power such a tiny human held, one that he had only met some few days ago, yet one that he found himself loving wholeheartedly, willing to throw everything away if that's what she asked of him. There they sat on a secluded bench, his jacket draped on her back as she dozed off on his shoulder. The hanging branches above them offered a generous amount of shade, yet those pesky rays of light that peeked through the leaves threatened Chaerim's rest, so Soonyoung sat there with his hand hovering over her face, making sure nothing disturbed her peace. His arm ached and his shoulder had long gone numb from keeping its position, though he found he couldn't care less about these minor inconveniences.

Not when his little sunshine was sleeping calmly against him, her steady breaths puffing against his neck as her fists weakly pawed at his shirt.

The zoo trip finally reached its conclusion, Chaerim strapped into her car seat between her new flamingo, giraffe, and tiger toys, who were also strapped into their seats. The latter was a given, Soonyoung already snagging it from its hook and adding it to her pile. She didn't complain though, if her talking to her new tiger was any indication. On the way home, she had already bestowed upon it the noble name of Stripey, as well as an entire backstory about Stripey having fled from her wartorn kingdom before the enemy lion troops were to capture her, taking refuge in the zoo until Chaerim came to her rescue.

Soonyoung was very invested, on the edge of his seat whenever she hit him with yet another plot twist to the convoluted story, to the point that he hadn't even realized he'd made it to the apartment building until he had actually parked, nor did he truly acknowledge the situation at hand until Chaerim had rapped her knuckles against the door once they had reached the apartment itself.

Moments later, the door opened, and there stood (y/n) in all of her glory. It was idiotic how absolutely awestruck Soonyoung was every time he saw. How enamored he was with her whenever he so much as stood in her presence. The impact she had on him still to this day something that astonished him, though at the same time didn't necessarily surprise him, as she had lingered in his mind practically every day since the moment he first met her.

Soonyoung stood in sheer wonderment as usual, though was suddenly sent hurtling into a completely different sense of astoundment as she blessed him with a smile. A warm and genuine grin with tinges of bittersweet poignancy at its edges. It wasn't that conflicted, distant gaze she usually looked at him with, watching him as one would an exhibit of sorts. It felt new, yet comfortingly familiar in a way. As if slowly but surely, her exterior was melting away.

"Mommy!" Chaerim shouted, squirming out of Soonyoung's arms the moment (y/n) appeared. She managed to wrangle the little girl from Soonyoung's wavering grip, chuckling to herself at the fear that flashed Soonyoung's eyes the moment he thought he'd drop Chaerim. He was left to trail after the two, right arm still clutching the three stuffed animals and the small gift shop bag. All the while, Chaerim babbled on to her mother about the entirety of her day.

Soonyoung was leant against the wall as the two girls sat themselves on the couch, the scene similar to the day before, yet also vastly different. The setting sun's rays seeping in through the windows no longer felt like an anxious conclusion to the day, though instead a hopeful end. One where Soonyoung could rest assured that he wasn't being completely removed from the equation. He couldn't really pinpoint it, but it felt as if something changed. As if turning a new leaf. Watching the girls talk hadn't felt like he was intruding on a private conversation, but instead spectating the amusing scene of a toddler desperately strewing words together to describe the events of the zoo to her mother.

"And then–and then Soonie and I went to see the rhinos, and they were like this big," she exclaimed excitedly, tossing her arms open to indicate the sheer size of the animals mentioned. (y/n) nodded, undoing Chaerim's pigtails and combing through her locks. "And then we saw the giraffes and they were even bigger!"

"No way," (y/n) responded, triggering another surge of excitement from the little girl who insisted vehemently on the giraffe's staggering height. Soonyoung rested his head against the wall, a wide smile stretched across his face. (y/n) glanced over at him, biting back her own smile while Chaerim continued.

Something had changed. A shift in the atmosphere that was unlike yesterday's. It felt almost unfair that Soonyoung couldn't narrow down what exactly it was, yet either way he was immensely grateful, especially as (y/n) redirected her attention to him, dismissing Chaerim for now. She stood from the couch, walking into the kitchen, and Soonyoung naturally followed after her, no words needed.

"Looks like she had fun," (y/n) stated, an entertained laugh slipping out at the end of her sentence.

"She did, I'm glad to see that." Soonyoung glanced into the living room where the aforementioned little girl watched her cartoons in an almost dazed state. "I was worried she wouldn't like it."

"Please, she got to see animals and she got toys at the end of it all. You couldn't have made her happier." She briefly opened the fridge, pulling out a sealed container before placing it on the island countertop. Soonyoung glanced between it and her for a few moments, not understanding the sudden appearance of the item, but with a roll of her eyes, (y/n) slid it closer to him. "Hangover soup."

Soonyoung's mouth fell open, eyes widening some as he hesitantly brought the dish closer.

"How did you know?" She looked at him with amused confusion, as if the answer to the question was obvious. Nonetheless, she shrugged with a smirk.

"Maybe a little birdie told me you all were getting wasted last night." Soonyoung giggled some, thoughts returning to his friend who most likely is dealing with the same pain as him. He'd be sure to share this with Seokmin when he sees him next.

"Thank you. Really. You didn't have to do all this."

"Of course I did." She waved him off dismissively, faux exasperation at his humility. His lips pursed into a thin line, fingers fiddling with the twine loops of the gift bag before finally lifting it and placing it on the counter with a soft thud. It was now her turn to look between the bag and him expectantly, only for him to follow her prior movements, sliding the bag across the counter much the same as the soup.

Hesitatingly, she took the item, the light touch of her fingers causing the dense paper material to crinkle under her. She wore an appreciative, yet otherwise curious, smile as she fished out whatever resided in the bag, lifting it from its bed of wrapping and into the light.

A small white leather box, unassuming in presentation, to the point that she hadn't even spared a second thought before opening it, unveiling a pair of pearl earrings. Her mouth fell agape, a small gasp leaving past her lips. She stared for a moment more at the jewelry before looking back up at Soonyoung.

"The zoo had an area where they bred oysters," he explained, his voice coming out softer than intended, yet even so still feeling out of place in the otherwise quiet atmosphere with only the sounds of children's cartoons offering a low humming white noise in the background. She turned back to the earrings, a finger tracing over the smooth surface of the item at hand. "I hope you still like pearls. I saw them and thought of you."

"I love them." Her response came as quietly as his own, though her voice had a crack in it that had Soonyoung's brows raising in concern. Meeting his gaze again proved his suspicions correct, her eyes now glassy with a pout on her lip as she clutched the box closer to her chest.

"Aww, baby, don't cry." Soonyoung let out a laugh, body moving instinctively as he opened his arms. It wasn't until she had already shuffled into his embrace, whining into his chest and quietly releasing her tears, that he realized what he'd done. Though feeling her against him, the warmth of her tears against his shirt, that soothing aroma of hers that always calmed his nerves, the weight of her head pressing into him, quelled the worries in his heart. Like mother, like daughter, the two girls holding such an authority over him to be able to sway his every thought and his every emotion. For the next few minutes, he reveled in whatever comfort he could acquire, arms squeezing (y/n) to him as she mumbled her thanks to the man.

For once, Soonyoung felt a sense of completion, more sated holding (y/n) than he had been at his own graduation. His lips twitched into a smile, and he was sure (y/n) must have heard the beating of his heart kick up with every passing moment, though she didn't comment on it. Chaerim had begun singing the songs on her show, and the orange glow of the setting sun continued basking them in its warm honey-like ambience.

For once in his both hectic and monotonous life, he felt a stability he feared he'd never experience, the key to his peace resting in the hands of (y/n) herself. As if he had strayed from his intended path, only to veer back to her. Like no matter how far you throw a rock into the air, it's bound to return to the earth below it. No matter how far he fled from home, no matter how distant he grew from her, he'd always find his way back to (y/n). Like it was meant to be. And as he cradled her to him, he knew it was because it truly was meant to be.

He didn't know for how long he'd stood there holding (y/n), rocking them back and forth calmly as they embraced one another, though it was the sound of the apartment door opening that brought them back to reality, regrettably separating as Jihyo waltzed in. She had a look of surprise on her face for a moment, but offered Soonyoung a kind smile in greeting.

"I should head out," Soonyoung quietly spoke, turning back to (y/n) after waving to Jihyo.

"I'll walk you out," she replied, already walking out of the kitchen and into the main hall.

Soonyoung made a brief detour to the living room, crouching in front of the couch where Chaerim resided.

"I'm heading out now." Chaerim immediately threw herself at him, causing Soonyoung to briefly huff at the sudden action.

"I want Soonie to stay."

"I can't, sunshine. We'll hang out again tomorrow, yeah?"

"Zoo?"

"I was thinking we could go to the aquarium. We can see more water animals." She gasped, pulling herself away from him to nod enthusiastically. Soonyoung laughed, nodding along with her and promising to pick her up from daycare again. Though before he could stand up, she grabbed him again, dragging him closer to her.

"Come to my birthday," she insisted, practically vibrating with excitement. "It's really soon. Mommy says the 17th. Come to my birthday."

"Okay, sunshine, I'm there."

She finally let him go, smiling as he walked back to the hallway where Jihyo and (y/n) stood. Jihyo bid Soonyoung a brief goodbye before heading to the living room with Chaerim.

"I can't thank you enough for taking care of Chaerim, and for my earrings." (y/n) fiddled with the box still in her hand, and Soonyoung couldn't help but to grin at her shyness.

"Of course. Nothing but the best for you both."

"And thank you for the pictures… I really liked them."

"I'm glad to hear." He felt his cheeks warming under her attention, bashfully looking down at his feet. "I'll send more tomorrow. We're going to the aquarium."

"Oh, she's going to love that."

There was a pause between them, a silence as they looked at each other one last time. Soonyoung couldn't help but to smile whilst admiring her, remembering how he'd zone out in class and miss the entire lesson because he was staring at the back of her head. Old habits die hard.

A sudden holler from the living room drew their attention back to the present, snickering at Chaerim's hoots of laughter from beyond the apartment. Though it reminded Soonyoung of what had happened some few moments ago.

"Chaerim invited me to her birthday." (y/n) smiled at this, nodding her head at his words.

"Yeah, it's coming up in just a few days. It's just going to be a little get together with Jihyo, Seokmin, and I. Maybe some of the guys, but who knows. We'd love to have you over."

"I'd love to attend. So this is me RSVPing for that."

"I'll be sure to write your name on the list of attendees." They shared another laugh together.

Soonyoung couldn't believe how light it felt to be with her today. That agonizingly taxing weight which once lingered over him in her presence now all but dissipated. He couldn't tell what had happened, but God he'd be lying if he said he wasn't eternally grateful for such a turn of events.

The glee in this revelation remained with him as he drove home, and also as he ate all of the hangover soup, changing his mind about sharing with Seokmin, keeping (y/n)'s gift all to himself.

"Bullshit!" Chan shouted, already whipping his hand out towards the messily strewn pile of cards at the center of the table. Flipping over the first two of the pile revealed an ace and a ten—not the two aces that Jeonghan had initially declared.

The man groaned to himself as he dragged the entire pile over, causing Chan to victoriously raise his arms up in the air. Beside him, Mingyu patted his back while Seokmin hyped him up, the two sporting encouraging smiles for the youngest's achievement. With a new round starting, Soonyoung grabbed two from his hand and placed them at the now barren center.

"Two aces," he announced, leaning back and refusing to meet anyone's perceptive stare. No matter how drunk they got, they somehow always remained vigilant when it came down to Bullshit.

"One two," Wonwoo muttered afterwards, dropping a card into the newly accumulating pile.

"Two threes," Jihoon leant forward to join with his addition, leaning back seconds after and absentmindedly reorganizing the cards in his hand currently, unaware of the six other men staring at him in disbelief.

"Um… Bullshit?" Seokmin mumbled confusedly, causing Jihoon to finally peek over and see that the two supposed threes he'd dropped were instead face up, revealing instead a three and a nine.

"No– Wait– Don't look at that." He dove forward to retrieve his cards, but he knew it was too late as the lot all erupted into laughter, shouting out Jihoon's slip up and pushing the slim pile over to him. "I hate this game. Why are we even playing this game? I don't want to play this game. Let's play Uno."

"Like that's any less ruthless," Jeonghan grumbled, brandishing his hand which made up a good chunk of the 52 count deck of theirs. Jihoon took another swig of his beer, irate at the turn of events.

"Someone better win soon then, or I'm leaving the party early."

"Don't worry," Chan stood to his feet, chair scraping back as he assumed a heroic pose. He raised his hand up, a single card resting between his two fingers. "I've got that covered." He gently placed the card at the center of the table, his voice just as soft as he announced. "One four."

Vernon glanced down at his cards, brow raising as he glanced from his hand to Chan. His mouth had momentarily opened, but before he could call the boy out on his fib, Jihoon all but tossed his cards ceremoniously onto the table, clapping and monotonously cheering for the winner of the game.

"Hooray, good job. Seokmin, get your Uno."

As the new game was starting, Seokmin dealing out everyone's seven cards, Soonyoung's phone buzzed against his lap. With one last tentative sip of his drink, not wanting to go through another terrible hangover so soon, he pulled out his phone under the table. Almost immediately, his expression brightened, putting down his drink and scooting out from the table.

"Excuse me, I have to take this," he quickly stated, shuffling away from the rowdy bunch and into the hall. The noise was muted some here, just enough that he could probably talk peacefully on the phone, though if not, Seokmin's bedroom door was right there next to him. With one last sigh, he swiped on the incoming call, voice unexpectedly wavering as he answered. "Hello?"

"Soonie!" The familiar shrill voice of Chaerim momentarily surprised him, though his shock washed away rather quickly.

"Hello, sunshine! How are you?" Soonyoung already found himself slipping into the aforementioned bedroom, knowing his voice would carry over to where the others resided.

"I'm good!"

With the formalities over and out of the way, she began spewing out near nonsense supposedly telling Soonyoung about her day from what he could decipher. He hummed affirmatively and responded when need be, though for the most part just sat there with a dopey smile as the little girl continued on with her speech. From beyond her voice, Soonyoung could hear (y/n) in the background, giggling to herself as Chaerim talked, and it had Soonyoung biting his lip, his cheeks aching with the sheer breadth of his grin.

"Soonie, you didn't pick me up today," she noted randomly.

"I know, sweet pea, it's the weekend. Don't you want to spend time with your mommy?"

"No, I'm okay." Soonyoung laughed as (y/n) whined at her daughter's quick dismissal of her, even more so when (y/n) began seemingly wrestling the child for the phone back. "No! I want Soonie! No!"

"You're quickly losing Soonie privileges, Chae." (y/n) warned, voice authoritative, yet nevertheless carrying a jesting undertone.

"Soonie, she's so mean to me. Where are you? Why aren't you here?"

"I'm at Uncle Seokmin's house."

"I want to go to Uncle Seokmin's house. I want to be with Soonie." His heart felt so incredibly full, his hand clenching over where the organ was beating. She was too precious for this world, he thought. If he hadn't already had a drink or two, he'd be driving over to the apartment to reunite with Chaerim right then and there. Though with some forced restraint, he tethered himself back to reality, pouting at his newfound maturity.

"I can't, Soonie isn't feeling very well right now."

"Oh no! Why are you sick?"

"I drank some… icky water… and now I'm too weak to drive over to you."

"Soonie, don't die." Her voice was suddenly so terribly sad, and Soonyoung immediately regretted his words.

"No, I'm just feeling a little sick! I'm not big sick!"

"The icky water made Soonie's tummy hurt. You know how tummy aches feel, right?" (y/n) began explaining, earning a sound of acknowledgement from the little girl who quickly returned to the phone.

"Soonie, it's okay, I get tummy aches, too. It's okay, it's okay."

"Thank you, sweetie. I'll be sure to feel better before your birthday."

He could hear (y/n) whispering to Chaerim, her voice quiet as she told Chaerim to say goodnight to him.

"Goodnight, Soonie! I can't wait to see you on my birthday! I miss you!"

"I miss you, too."

"I love you."

If his heart had felt full before, it was practically overflowing now, that overabundance of warmth now seeping into his stomach, gripping him with its comfort and bringing a flush to his face.

"I love you, too, sunshine."

There was some commotion on the other line, the two quietly speaking to each other, though now Soonyoung couldn't really decipher it. He just sat there, permanent smile on his face, still reeling over Chaerim's farewell. It felt nice. To be loved by this little girl that he had already accepted he loved back with all of his heart. It felt gratifying, that of all people, Chaerim came to love him.

"Hey," (y/n)'s voice sounded from the phone.

"Hi." He found himself looking down at the floor, socked feet fiddling with the carpet beneath him, brushing it back and forth and toying with the opposing shades it created.

After a little over a week, it still felt so surreal to hear (y/n) again. To be near her. To be able to actually talk to her. As if his six year drought had come to an end with her monsoon-like return. As if she brought life back to his otherwise desolate form. He felt more alive these last few days than he has in the half decade he's been away. He was beginning to feel concerned for himself, because he honestly couldn't even remember the past six years he's been gone, all of it like a numbing fever dream where he'd survived on autopilot alone.

But now he was present. He felt himself again. He felt like a human being. As dependent as it may sound, (y/n) made him who he was, and he was nothing without her.

"Sorry about that. She refused to go to sleep until she saw Soonie today."

"I don't mind. It did feel weird today not seeing her."

"You spoil her too much. She still refuses to let go of her manta ray stuffed animal since you got it for her at the aquarium." Soonyoung chuckled at this, remembering that day fondly.

"That's surprising, considering she was terrified to even approach the stingray petting area." (y/n) laughed, remembering the picture Soonyoung sent her of him smiling at the camera while Chaerim was red faced and crying next to the said animal petting area.

"Says the guy who had to be protected by that same little girl when you both went to the circus."

"Hey." Soonyoung's quick interjection had (y/n) bursting into another fit of giggles. "Those clowns were terrifying. She was a brave soul that day. I wouldn't have come out alive."

"Of course, I understand."

"Well, we'll see who's talking when we take you to an amusement park for the rollercoasters." She gasped at his threat, her voice dropping into a pained whisper soon after.

"You wouldn't dare."

"I would, you know I would."

"I'm being abused by both my daughter and you, I can't handle this."

His heart felt light, soaring about frivolously without a care in the world. This dark mass which once clung to it had slowly but surely faded away, taking with it the dense murkiness it once obscured Soonyoung's life with. Those butterflies in his stomach fluttered with it, joyous and abundant after their long hibernation, dormant until (y/n) had come back into the picture.

Her voice spoke to him like a lullaby, soft and tranquil as she chatted faintly, words light and breathy and weaving together into incoherency, though he didn't really mind, reminded of the days they'd do just this until they passed out.

"(y/n), you're tired," Soonyoung uttered, to which she hummed in consideration.

"I am."

"You should go to sleep." There was an ache in his heart, sending her off so early, though he couldn't keep her to himself all night. She was busy, and sleep was practically a rare commodity to her.

Silence settled over the two, with only the grainy feedback of the phone call to occupy them, yet Soonyoung still found it to be comforting merely knowing she was on the other line. He'd probably stay on the phone with her all night like this if he could, but he really should let her go.

"I don't want to." Her response was low, a whisper into the phone, as if having uttered something she shouldn't have. His breath stuttered, body stiffening while his heart seized in on itself, thudding against his chest to the point that it almost ached. And with the undeniable warmth coursing through his veins at the moment, he couldn't help but grin to himself, clutching the phone tighter in his hand.

"I don't want you to either."

She hummed appreciatively at this, a content thrum against his ear, and for a moment, he was beside her. He was laying there, her hair fanning out against her pillow, eyes slid shut with the faintest trace of a smile gracing her lips. He could feel her breath against his skin, her presence like an otherworldly comfort. He could hear her breathing growing steadier by the minute as they basked in the silence. Telltale sign of her drifting off. And the thought seemed to come to him naturally, like an old record that still played the same tune as he began rambling.

"The guys are playing Uno in the other room. We were playing BS, but Jihoon lost his patience a bit." He heard a slight chuckle on her side, though one that hadn't deterred her already tired state. "I'm pretty sure he's still losing his patience. Uno is much worse than BS. I'll text you the details tomorrow once I go out there again later." He leant back, laying flat on Seokmin's bed with his phone still pressed to his cheek. "I already got Chaerim her gift. I don't know if I should tell you. I think you'll get mad at me. But Chaerim will like it at least. I know she will."

He paused for a moment, thoughts still whirling in his head. He chuckled to himself thinking about his gift, the mental image of Chaerim using it already playing in his head.

Chaerim.

"I really did miss my little sunshine today. I know we've hung out everyday, but it still feels lonely without her. On the bright side, I already know where I'm taking her next. I think she'd like the ice skating rink. The one we used to go to."

Memories came to him. Memories of that very rink. Of his friends and him all busting their ass more than once. Jun clinging to the plexiglass paneling on the rink's perimeter. Jihoon teetering with his legs and arms spread out as far as possible. Chan accidentally learning to skate backwards first. Soonyoung struggling to grasp the concept of ice skating, clinging to (y/n) like his life depended on it. Really, it did. And she'd just laugh and let him hold her, his arms wrapped around her body with his head resting on her shoulders, and she'd skate them around while Soonyoung just cradled her to him.

He hasn't skated in years. Not since (y/n). He didn't even realize this until this very moment.

"Maybe I should hold out on the skating rink for another day. I don't think I can actually skate. I never really learned." He pursed his lips, blinking back his sadness. "I never learned because once I did, it would mean I wouldn't need you anymore. I wouldn't be able to hold you like I did. It would've just taken away one of the ways I showed my love to you." The blinking was becoming redundant as he felt his eyes begin to burn with unshed tears. "But it was kinda pointless in the end since I was the one that took away our love. Since I was the one that gave up."

He scoffed as he felt the first tear slip by, as if he even deserved to cry at this point. Though once the second and the third slipped by, that indignant irritation disappeared, leaving behind the raw sadness that had been plaguing him for years. He frowned, staring at the popcorn ceiling above him. It looked like (y/n)'s ceiling growing up.

He was reminded of those sleepless nights when she'd jostle him awake, either anxious with her thoughts or scared from a nightmare, and he'd lay awake with her. They'd rest their heads against one another as she talked to him, released her thoughts so they were no longer trapped in her head. And he'd comfort her with words or cuddles. He'd point at the textured ceiling staring down from above them, making constellations and telling her whatever convoluted story he'd make up on the spot. Until she had fallen asleep peacefully to the sound of his voice, a smile on her face as he kissed her goodnight before falling asleep himself.

Staring up at that very ceiling, the replacement for their city's light polluted sky, only served to make him cry harder. He shook his head at the thought, at his words he'd only just uttered.

"I gave up our relationship like a fucking idiot," he muttered, voice wrought with emotion, wavering with the tension in his throat. "But I never gave up our love. Never once in my life have I ever stopped loving you. And I never will. Even after you've moved on, I'll still be here, knowing that I lost my soulmate the night I walked away. The night I left you." He bit his lip at the memory, sniffling as softly as he could. From the sound of her breathing, he knew she was asleep, yet he kept going. "That was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. Leaving you was a mistake, but it was just… atrocious of me to leave you alone in my bed like that. I should've done better. I should've said goodbye to you personally like I had wanted to." A sob slipped past his lips for a moment, but he brought his fist up to his mouth, concealing the despair that seeped out of him with every word. "I shouldn't have even left you in the first place."

He moved to wipe his tears, smiling through the pain as he heard the deep steady breaths on the other line, anchoring him back to the present.

"I love you," he admitted, a laugh following at the end of it. "I love you so much. More than I could ever even try to explain. I love you." His hand flew up to his hair, tugging at the strands as more tears flooded his eyes, that agonized smile stretching further across his face. "I love the way you haven't changed over the years. I love the way you still make me happy. I love how strong and intelligent you are. I love how you still show your love through different means. I love that you made me soup when I was hungover. I love that you wear those pearl earrings I got you everyday. I love how you still fall asleep to my voice. I love Chaerim. I love your little family." Another shaky breath, and the tension which had built up over the course of his confession unraveled, his body going limp, and that smile slackened until it was truly genuine. A genuine, gentle, ever so loving, absolutely enamored smile as he let it all go. As he accepted his flaws. His mistakes from the past. His frenzied emotions. His absolute, undeniable, to the moon sort of love he held for (y/n). "I love you."

The last few minutes of the call were spent with Soonyoung silently crying, letting out the last shreds of despair wracking his body. Her breathing soothed his tormented heart, reminding him of the constant she was to him. That anchor in his life he so desperately needed, tethering him to her lest he stray wayward once more. He felt that tug once more. That urge to run directly to her. To watch her peaceful form beside him, memorizing every line and every detail of her face, tracing the outlines of her form carefully with his eyes, until he had it all ingrained in his mind where he'd then fall asleep, pressing a kiss to her forehead before drifting off.

"Goodnight, my love," he muttered, which was all he could do at this point, smiling warmly as he took in the last remnants of her presence before he'd have to leave. "Sweet dreams."

The game had all but stopped once Soonyoung had come back an hour later with tear stained cheeks and blood shot eyes, face red and puffy, all the while attempting to act as nonchalant as possible, as if he hadn't just walked out of the most devastating experience he'd ever encountered.

"You good?" Chan was the first to break the silence, eyebrow raised in concern at the state of his elder. Soonyoung nodded.

"Yeah, why?" His voice cracked, as if the cherry on top to this entire fiasco.

"Who was that on the phone?" Wonwoo was the next to speak, fiddling with the cards in his hands.

"Oh, it was just (y/n) and Chaerim."

The boys uttered a collective 'ah' in understanding, returning to their game as if nothing had happened. That is except Jihoon, taking another gulp of beer with a sigh followed after.

"You know what, this is good," Jihoon announced aloud. Jeonghan absentmindedly hummed at him to continue, all the while dropping his card on the pile at the table's center. "Let it all out, talk to each other. So much unresolved tension that's finally getting closure." He pointed to Soonyoung, eyebrows furrowed seriously. "It's about time you two made up."

"He's right," Vernon spoke up, putting his cards face down before him. "You guys… personally founded romance or something. You're our modern day Romeo and Juliet." He placed his hands on his chest, looking around the table for support as he continued. "I was honestly devastated when they broke up. Cause like if they can't work out, what hope do we have?" Chan nodded at this, pursing his lips in understanding. Wonwoo similarly mimicked this, lips downturned as he confirmed Vernon's words. "You need her. She needs you. You both need each other. It just doesn't make sense to have one without the other. You know what I'm saying?"

"You two were made for each other!" Jihoon cried out passionately, slapping down a draw four and causing Jeonghan's jaw to slacken at his audacity.

Soonyoung was flustered at all the attention on him, and was ever so grateful when the game returned to its original state before he had intervened. Beside him, Seokmin patted his back, as if knowing Soonyoung was riddled with conflicting thoughts and emotions. Though really it was pretty one dimensional where his stance had settled.

He loved (y/n). He loved Chaerim. He loved them both. God, he wanted them both. But he's been far too greedy in his life. And at this point, he's willing to take whatever (y/n) was willing to offer him.

Soonyoung knocked on the door excitedly, biting back his smile as he heard Chaerim's familiar holler from within the apartment. A few moments later, the door opened, revealing a smiling Jihyo donning a pink party hat.

"Hey Soonyoung! Come on–" She stopped talking once she looked down and saw the gigantic box at his feet. It had barely even fit through the door and required both of them cooperating with one another to manage it through. "What the hell did you buy this little girl?"

"Soonie!" Said little girl came barreling out of a room down the hall, hurdling herself into his arms at full velocity.

"Chaerim!" He yelled back, squeezing her in his arms and twirling her in the air. She erupted into giggles, face squished into his neck as her limbs clung to him desperately. "How's my favorite birthday girl?"

Before she could respond, a delighted gasp brought their attention to her, her eyes now entirely trained on the enormous box behind Jihyo.

"Is that mine?" She asked excitedly, squirming out of Soonyoung's grasp to rush over to the box. It was practically as big as her, and it had Soonyoung giggling to himself as well. Jihyo shook her head, staring at him in disbelief before turning back to Chaerim.

"Yes, sweetie, Soonie got it for you. You can open it after we blow out your candles." She immediately came bounding back to Soonie, crouched to her height as she hugged the living daylights out of him.

"Thank you, Soonie." He grinned, hugging her back happily.

"Of course, sunshine." A few moments passed before (y/n) came strolling out of her room, just as lovely as she always was. Her eyes landed on Soonyoung, and he felt his heart skip multiple beats upon the sudden smile she had on her face.

"Soonyoung, you came!" He stood up, Chaerim still held by his right arm as he accepted (y/n)'s hug with his left. He felt so full, heart overflowing with adoration and stomach twisting into happy little knots as he surrounded himself with his two favorite girls. Jihyo stood on the sidelines, a contented pout on her face as she watched the scene before her.

Still wrapped in Soonyoung's hold, (y/n) glanced over to Jihyo.

"Any news on Seokmin?"

"Stuck at work," Jihyo regretfully informed, glancing down at her phone as if checking to see if Seokmin had miraculously escaped the clutches of his day job. "But he did invite some of the other guys, so they should be showing up throughout the day."

"Oh, that'll be chaotic," (y/n) snickered, laying her head on Soonyoung's chest in thought. He had no quarrels with this, in a permanent blissed out state as he rocked them all back and forth, lost in his own world. "Should we just have her blow out her candles now so she can play with her toys throughout the day?" (y/n) continued talking as Chaerim had yelled out her agreeance excitedly. "That way she'll have time to play with some toys, and then when one of the boys comes, she can play with the next toy?"

"That sounds like a plan." Jihyo nodded, already in motion as she began setting up the cake.

Soonyoung handled the birthday girl as (y/n) and Chaerim scurried about, delicately placing some candles on the cake, to which Chaerim indignantly commanded there to be more. Once there were about 20 candles scattered across her princess themed cake, Soonyoung placed her down on a barstool placed at the middle island, making his way across the counter to where (y/n) stood. Jihyo sat beside the little girl, slowly lighting up the candles for the ceremony until (y/n) took a sharp intake of breath, turning to face Soonyoung with a shocked expression on her face.

Before he could reciprocate her panic, however, she had already begun fleeing from the kitchen.

"I forgot the camera!" Her voice faded in the distance as she grew further away, leaving the three of them in the kitchen. Soonyoung averted his gaze from where (y/n) ran off to Chaerim, precariously eyeing her cake with a mischievous glint in her eyes. It brought a smile to his face, watching the few lit candles flicker in the reflection of her dark eyes.

"You should blow out the candles before wax gets on the cake," Soonyoung suggested, catching Chaerim's eye as she began smiling with him. Before Jihyo could put out the few candles, Chaerim beat her to it, puffing out her cheeks and blowing out the tiny flames in one big breath. Victoriously, she threw her hands up in the air.

"Yay! I'm turning five!" She hollered aloud, bringing a chuckle out of Jihyo beside her.

"No, sweetie, you are five. You only say turning when you're going to be that age very soon. Yesterday, you were turning five. Today, you are five. Understand?"

"No."

"Okay, well–" Jihyo was cut off by the sudden presence of Soonyoung's hand on her shoulder, drawing her attention over to the suddenly very shaken man. His eyes were shaky, attempting to focus on Jihyo, but struggling to maintain what little restraint he had left in him.

"She's five?" He asked, voice coming out in a wavering manner through his unsteady breathing. Jihyo looked at him confused for a moment, incredulous at his inquiry, though as quickly as she mentally questioned him, realization had hit her. Realization that Soonyoung had put the puzzle together.

"Soonyoung–" She started, her tone of voice full of remorse, though she couldn't get much else out as he all but bolted out of the kitchen and down the hall, barging into (y/n)'s room unceremoniously. His head whipped about momentarily until his eyes landed on her emerging from her closet, digital camera in hand.

"Oh, I found the camera, it's alright–" (y/n) yelped as Soonyoung's hands clamped down on her shoulders, the force of his hold startling her for a second, though not harming her in any manner. As if his only intention was to keep her where she stood.

"(y/n)," he began, faltering in his speech. She grew concerned for him, hands instinctively reaching up to hold onto his bicep, squeezing him back reassuringly. The motion, at any other moment in time would've called him down. Though right now, it did nothing but remind him of who stood before him. "(y/n), I've asked Jihyo. I've asked Seokmin. I haven't asked you. So I'm only going to ask this once." At this point, (y/n) was slowly understanding the situation at hand, and she could do nothing but quiver at the raw emotion in his eyes. The blaze of unbridled despondency seeping into his dark, lonely gaze. His lips quivered as he took in another breath, nerves shaking with him and almost sending his body into a similar state. "Is Chaerim my daughter?"

Her mouth had fallen open, and then it closed, and opened again, though no sound came out. Her eyes darted about the room, from the door leading to the hallway, to her bedside table, to the closet behind her. Anywhere but Soonyoung, who couldn't tear his gaze away from her for even a moment, trained on her every minute action, relying on his years of being fluent in (y/n) to lead him to his answer.

She was scared, that much was obvious. She was attempting to school her expression, a twitch on her lip trying to incite a casual smile to brush him off. A light, humorous scoff being the first sound to leave her lips, and she finally focused her eyes on his mouth.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, a joking air to her words, a tone that could have potentially fooled others, but Soonyoung could detect the lack of sincerity in her actions. Her fingers twitched where they rested on his arm, squeezing him to calm herself as she continued. "Jihyo and Seokmin have both told you no."

"They have," Soonyoung agreed, dragging (y/n) closer, so close that he was sure she could hear the way his heart beat so violently against his chest, just as terrified of the results of this interrogation as she was. "But you haven't."

That faux curl of her lips had crumbled, bottom lip trembling as her eyes began to well with tears, her body similarly quaking under his touch. Her breathing had picked up, chest rising and falling to an almost concerning rate that Soonyoung had to reposition them, one hand falling down to her back and the other brushing away the strands of hair in her face. She whimpered at the sudden proximity, attempting to curl in on herself and away from Soonyoung's prying eyes.

"(y/n)," he quietly called out to her, voice now hushed, lowly soothing her as best he could. Her hands had retracted to her chest, fiddling with the material of his shirt as he drew her closer to him, shushing her when silent tears had begun slipping out. At this point, he had his answer. He just needed (y/n) to come to terms with it as well. So he patiently held her, face buried in her hair as he swayed them side to side, rocking her until he felt her breathing even out.

When he retracted his head to look down at her, he saw her terror filled eyes, widened and focused on the whitewashed wall of her bedroom. Gently, his finger trailed down to her chin, bringing her face to him as he pressed his forehead against hers, noses brushing past one another. When she met his resolute gaze, his eyes like the calm of a dark sea, her panic slowly but surely subsided, his staunch resolve seeping into her own eyes.

Finally, in the steadiest manner he could muster, Soonyoung breathed out the question once more.

"Is she my daughter?" A silence settled between the two, (y/n) slowly becoming lost as he stared into her soul, as if he were weaving his way back into her life, tangling the strings she had worked tirelessly to rid herself of, yet she couldn't find it in her to feel repulsed by his invasion at all. Instead, relief momentarily flooded her being. That peaceful understanding and comfort she had always felt in his arms reminding her of who he was. Her defenses had crumbled, and her mouth had fallen agape once more, voice coming out as nothing more than a whisper as she answered him.

"Yes."

His first reaction was to laugh. This disbelieving chuckle as he slowly pulled away from her, eyes immediately watering once more. His hands flew to his hair, yanking at the strands as a smile overtook his features. He was ecstatic. He had a daughter. A beautiful, lovely daughter outside waiting for his return. He had a daughter with the girl he promised himself he would one day start a family with.

(y/n) had slapped a hand over her mouth as Soonyoung separated from her, a loud sob threatening to leave her. At some point, she lost the strength in her legs and collapsed on the edge of her bed, crying into her hand as Soonyoung considered the newfound information.

He was beyond happy to have Chaerim, though he sat there processing the weight of such a discovery. He had fallen to the ground soon after, on his knees as tears streamed down his face.

"I have a daughter," he spoke aloud, hands gripping at the carpeting beneath him. "I have a daughter." He crawled over to (y/n), hands shooting up to her face as his thumbs brushed over the tears in her eyes. "(y/n), we have a daughter!" His hands went everywhere, brushing back her hair, smoothing out her shirt, running over the goosebumps on her arms. "We have a daughter…" His head rested on her thighs in between where her hands rested on her lap. "Why am I only just finding out on her fifth birthday? Why have you all been lying to me?"

He sat up again, staring at (y/n), awaiting any sort of response, but she sat there sniffling, quietly sobbing to herself. He didn't know for how long he stared at her before she finally spoke, voice broken and defeated.

"You left me…" She couldn't meet his gaze, staring down at where he had scooped her hands into his own. The sight brought another wave of sadness through her, having to bite back the fresh tears wanting to be shed. "You left me. I begged you to give me a chance. Give us a chance. And you left me." His thumbs brushed over her wrists, encouraging her to keep talking. "Not only that, but you stopped talking to all of us. I know you felt bad about leaving in the first place. I know you thought it'd be better to just disappear from our lives than make us deal with long distance and time difference, but it was still painful, Soonyoung." He shut his eyes, laying his head back into her lap where she began absentmindedly fiddling with the messy strands of his hair. "And then I found out I was pregnant and… I was terrified. I just…" She stopped, clearing her throat from the dejection riddling her voice. "You chose to follow your dreams. That didn't include Chaerim and I. I didn't want to drag you back into this life you didn't want."

"Baby, no," he whined, sitting back on his heels and tugging (y/n) down from her bed and onto the floor with him, cradling her weakened body in his arms. "You both are my dream. You're my fantasy. You're the only thing I've ever wanted in life." He pressed his lips wherever he could reach, mumbling between each and every kiss. "I never meant to make you think otherwise. I just wanted you to be happy."

"You make me happy, idiot," she countered, the loudest thing she's said in the past few minutes, startling Soonyoung for a moment. "And I didn't want to tell you this month because… you have that job offer, and Chaerim and I will only be a burden to you."

"(y/n), I couldn't care less about that damn job offer." She pulled away from his shoulder, meeting his unexpectedly passionate gaze, brows furrowed and ever so determined. He squeezed her tighter in his arms. "I have a family right here. Do you understand how…thrilled I am?" Another tear slipped from his eye, though this one was paired with a genuinely warm and blithe grin, a sight that brought a smile of her own to (y/n)'s face, giggling as he pressed his forehead against hers again. "I was already happy to have reunited with you, and to have met Chaerim, but now…" He chuckled, biting his lip a second after to mute the bubbly feeling in his chest. "Now she's my daughter. She's mine."

His eyes were so incredibly mirthful, shining with unshed tears and unadulterated glee. She couldn't help but to smile at his happiness, pressing her hands against his cheeks and rubbing her nose against his own. The way he hugged her, fingers gripping her as if an extra measure to keep her close to him, reminded them of their youth. Their youth and the love they once held for each other. Their love that hadn't faded. Their love that persisted through time, distance, and every hurdle life has thrown their way.

"But your degree–" She started, but Soonyoung cut her off immediately.

"To hell with my degree, (y/n)! Holy shit, I'm a father!" He buried himself into her hair, drawing her even closer to his chest, holding her so closely to where her ear pressed against his torso, right over where his heart beat so rapidly within him. Though hesitant, she wrapped her arms around his body, hugging him back. Giggles and tears and happy sighs left them both, wandering hands squeezing any part of their person they could grab, wanting so much of the other that it almost didn't make sense. "I'm staying."

"What?"

"I'm staying." She pulled away to meet his gaze, so sure and earnest as he nodded at her confused eyes. "I can't leave you again. I physically can't. Even if you don't accept me as your lover anymore, I can't bear to be so far away from you again." Her heart fluttered at his confession, going speechless once more, allowing him to continue on. "Plus, I have Chaerim now. I need to be here for her. I have to make up for lost time."

"Y-you're staying?" It was the only thing her overwhelmed brain could come up with, not even able to process the heart fluttering and adoring gaze Soonyoung looked at her with.

"I'm staying. I couldn't care less about a job offer or my degree or anything else. None of it matters. I just need you and Chaerim. And I can't believe it took me 6 years to realize this."

Immediately, another sob broke out, and even more tears spilled from her eyes. Tears that Soonyoung swiped away as quickly as they appeared, giggling at her with such loving eyes. Though as she quieted down and he had a moment to his thoughts, he swallowed down the lump in his throat and shut his eyes.

"I love you, (y/n). So much. So, so fucking much... I'm so sorry for what I've made you go through. I should've been here this entire time. I shouldn't have given up on us. I'm so sorry." He could've said more, but she shook her head at him, cradling his face again, encouraging him to open his eyes and meet hers.

"I forgive you, Soonyoung." He blinked at her words, eyes darting between her own as if looking for any falsitude in her statement.

"You do?" He asked. She nodded at him.

"Just please don't leave me again."

"I'd never dream of it."

Her eyes shone with such fondness, grin tugging at the corners of her lips as she stroked back Soonyoung's hair, properly admiring his grown features for the first time since he came back. Something she hadn't granted herself the privilege of doing so before, for fear of falling in love and being abandoned again. Though now she was sure, with that devoted glimmer in his eye and that dumb in love smile stretched on his face, that he truly was staying this time around.

That's what motivated her to lean forward and press a chaste, yet affectionate kiss to his lips, separating before he could respond to it.

"I love you, too, Soonyoung." A short bout of silence fell between the two, Soonyoung staring at her blankly as she giggled and continued to play with his hair. Though soon enough, he came to his senses, hand cupping her cheek and drawing her into him again for another kiss. A better kiss. One that he poured his entire heart and soul into. One that he hoped conveyed what his words couldn't. How regretful he is. How relieved he is. How absolutely in love he is.

His hand stroked over her face, fingers slipping into her hair as he brought her even closer to him, arm tightening around her waist and pressing her against him. The only thing that stopped their kiss was their smiling, laughs that bubbled out of them both. She continued littering kisses onto him, even more giggles slipping from his mouth. Delighted laughs that filled the room and her heart. He had felt so at ease and so loved that he almost hadn't acknowledged the faint knock at the doorway, the ajar door slowly rolling wider to reveal Chaerim peeking in.

"Mommy, Aunt Jihyo is asking if you guys are okay." It was the first time Soonyoung was seeing Chaerim since the revelation, but he couldn't have felt happier seeing the girl than right now. Looking at her before him right at this moment felt so obvious. He couldn't believe he even doubted himself. He couldn't believe he went along with Jihyo and Seokmin's words. He couldn't believe he didn't immediately know for a fact that she was his own flesh and blood.

"Yes, baby, we're okay," (y/n) responded, laying her head against Soonyoung happily.

Chaerim stood there for a moment more, twiddling with the stray lace of her princess gown as she looked between the two.

"Does he know the secret?" His heart twisted at her words, looking over to (y/n) with an unreadable expression. A short breath of air expelled from her nose as she nodded.

"Yes."

At her mother's words, Chaerim came walking over to him. For the first time since he ever even met her, this was the first sign of hesitance she'd ever displayed—the momentary stingray panic aside. Once she stood in front of him, she extended her hand out, just as she had done when they first met.

"Hi daddy, my name is Chaerim. I'm 5 years old. My favorite color is yellow. I love you." He felt his heart shatter and rebuild from her words alone, perhaps more than once, because how else could he have reacted to such a sweet and rehearsed statement, as if she had prepared her whole life for this very moment. His lip quivered, something (y/n) didn't miss as she slipped away from his lap, hand softly rubbing his back encouragingly. He cleared his throat and wrapped his hand around her offered one, smiling whilst attempting to mask the sheen of tears coating his eyes.

"Hi sunshine, it's nice to meet you. I'm your dad." After the quaint handshake, she slowly opened her arms out to him. And the minute he brought her into his arms was the moment every last ounce of his tears spilled, whatever was left from his moment with (y/n) now being used as he hugged his daughter knowingly for the first time. (y/n) sat on the sidelines, though only for a minute before Soonyoung was dragging her into the hug with them, the two girls patting his back soothingly as he wept aloud.

Though he wasn't alone, Jihyo crying as well as she texted Seokmin the details, watching the scene from the safety of the doorway.

Seungcheol was the first of the boys to arrive, just in time to come across the disaster which had transpired before his arrival.

Chaerim had opened her largest gift, the one given to her by her dad. And to (y/n)'s dismay, it was a large and elaborate tunnel system. Although it was soft and foldable, it was still something she couldn't believe Soonyoung would even consider buying considering the state of their apartment. But Chaerim was happy, crawling through the tubed labyrinth, giggles reverberating off the walls.

Though the mayhem Seungcheol walked in on was mere moments after Soonyoung wanted to try out his gift as well, and now found himself stuck in one of the tubes. Jihyo and (y/n) attempted to yank him out from the outside, while Chaerim continued her incessant giggling, giving up on pushing Soonyoung from within and was now peppering tiny kisses all over his face.

Luckily, Seungcheol was the one to free the man out of the tunnel, much to the child's dismay, until he handed her his gift: an easel set with a large notepad for a canvas.

She doodled away as the three of them explained the events that had occurred that day, Seungcheol at first shocked at it all, though nodding in understanding soon after.

"It makes much more sense than Jihoon's assumption that you went out and found a Soonyoung doppelganger, because that girl is a carbon copy of Soonyoung, I swear."

Jeonghan wasn't surprised in the slightest once he had arrived, only shocked that it took Soonyoung this long to realize that the lactose intolerant little girl with sharp eyes and round cheeks wasn't his child.

Joshua, Junhui, and Wonwoo only congratulated the two, Jihoon still defending his doppelganger story, saying it could have been true.

Minghao and Mingyu also similarly did not show much reaction to it, somehow far more preoccupied with the little girl playing with them.

Vernon, Seungkwan, and Chan were perhaps the most interested in the circumstances, questioning how she had kept it a secret from them for so long, how they hadn't figured it out on their own, what she was going to do with Soonyoung now.

"I guess I'll give him a second chance," she responded, hugging his arm and laying her head on his shoulder. Their hands intertwined, and Soonyoung smiled at the familiar warmth that emanated from her touch, seeping into his skin and sending waves of content satisfaction through him. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach and a blush settled over his cheeks, reminding him that that schoolboy crush he had on (y/n) never left, nor would it ever.

Seokmin had arrived later on, immediately coming over to congratulate the two, as well as quietly apologize to Soonyoung for hiding his daughter from him.

"You have to understand, man, I meant no harm. We didn't know your intentions. We needed to protect them, you know?" He muttered quietly, looking around the room as if he were dealing with classified information. "I didn't even know until Jihyo was legit scolding me for bringing you over. You gotta believe me, dude."

"I understand, man, I understand," Soonyoung replied, wrapping an arm around Seokmin and mimicking his overly suspicious mannerisms. Though with the secret out and about, he had to admit that he felt significantly closer to his former best friend, glad to know that his daughter has such an amazing godfather.

The party soon ended and the boys all flooded out of the apartment. Jihyo was the last to leave after helping (y/n) put Chaerim to sleep.

"Goodnight, you two!" She waved at the two lovers as she shut the door behind her. Soonyoung had also planned to leave, not wanting to overstay his welcome, but (y/n) continued to hold him in a tight hug, refusing to let go.

"Stay," she insisted. Soonyoung would have laughed at her clinginess, though he heard the hint of fear in her voice, and he immediately understood the clinginess.

"Okay, baby, I'll stay." Guilt riddled his body the entire way to bed. He had to keep reassuring her he wasn't going anywhere, keeping a hand on her at all times.

He washed her hair for her, letting her hug him while the warm water of the shower fell down their bodies. He helped her get changed, whispering sweet nothings to her the entire process. He held her hand as they got into bed, and once settled, she had immediately clung to him again, limbs tangling together as she buried her face into his shirt. And Soonyoung could only softly shush her, assure her that he's not going anywhere.

His hands combed through her hair, littering kisses on her forehead, muttering his love for her through soft whispers. Seeing the state she was in had a pit of lament settling at the base of his stomach, grimacing at his past misdeeds, remembering the cruel way he left her with nothing more than a final forlorn kiss.

"I'm sorry," he spoke, hands momentarily stilling in her locks. "I'm so sorry, (y/n). I could apologize every second of every day for the rest of our lives, but it would never amount to how apologetic I truly feel. How much I regret leaving you." He pressed another reassuring kiss on her skin, a shaky intake of air once he separated from her. "I regret it so much. I regret ever doubting our love and I'll never forgive myself for that." He felt her hand splay out on his chest, right over his heart. "(y/n), you're the only thing I live for. You're the only thing in my life that matters." He paused, quickly reconsidering his words before stuttering out his correction. "You and Chaerim, I mean, but…"

He stopped talking as she laughed softly at his words, pulling away from him so she could actually study his face. He was speechless for a second, reminded of a few days ago during their phone call. How he had wished for this exact moment to come to fruition. To hold her in his arms once more, feel her falling asleep in his hold, watch that peaceful state of hers he could only see at night. When she'd enter deep sleep, the tension of the day washing away, her strong persona, her brave facade, all of those pretenses she put up for the world disappearing. And he was the only person she trusted in such a vulnerable state—and he left her.

"I'm just… I left you. I was so lost and I thought I could find myself. I thought you didn't deserve someone as lost as I was. It just seemed easier to give you up so you wouldn't have to waste your life with a loser like me… I'm sorry."

Her eyes twinkled under the moonlight, watching Soonyoung as he fumbled over incessant apologies.

When he had gone silent, she shuffled closer to him, leaning forward to press a kiss to his nose. She smiled when it scrunched, and then she pressed a kiss to his cheek. His jaw. His chin. The corner of his mouth. And then finally a kiss to his lips. A sweet, affectionate kiss. Short and simple, but still enough to leave Soonyoung flustered and motionless.

"Soonyoung, love, I forgive you."

"I know you say that, but… I just feel like it's not enough. It doesn't make up for what I've done to you. I don't–" Another kiss, though this time, one that Soonyoung reciprocates just as fondly as her.

"You've already apologized to me countless times." At the sight of his confused face, she grinned. "The first day, when Seokmin brought you to me." Soonyoung nodded at this, though he felt he was too emotional to properly convey his feelings. Plus, he mostly made her cry, so it didn't feel like a valid apology to him. "The night you boys went out drinking."

"What?" Soonyoung furrowed his brows at this, making (y/n) smile. She brushed back his hair comfortingly, nodding her head in confirmation.

"2 AM, you called me. Drunk out of your mind, crying and babbling to the point that I could barely understand you." Soonyoung winced at this, quietly groaning to himself as he remembered the night at the bar and how fragmented his memory was. "I laid there listening to you pour out your heart to me." He peeked over from where he wallowed in his own self pity, seeing the tenderness in her expression as she admired him wholeheartedly. "You told me about how much you regretted leaving me. How much it hurt you to leave me behind. The pain you endured throughout those 6 years away. You apologized so much that I had to beg you to calm down." At this, he hid himself again, this time burying his face into his pillow with a loud groan. "And then you said you love me." He felt her fingers tracing images on his arm; circles and stars and hearts. "You said you never stopped loving me. That I was the love of your life, and you'd forever mourn losing me. You probably said I love you just as many times as you apologized, until I myself was crying.

"And then you said… that even if Chaerim wasn't yours, you'd love her as if she were." He peeked out from his pillow to where a bittersweet smile greeted him. "That you love her like you love me. And you wished you had a family like ours. You said we were your happiness. Your dream life that you had always wanted." He pouts at this, realizing his drunk self was probably more articulate than he could ever be when sober. She lifted the arm she had drawn invisible patterns into, nestling herself against him before resting his limb over her.

"And the third time was as I was falling asleep." She had rested her head on his heart again, humming at the soothing rhythm it emanated. "I thought I was dreaming. Hearing the love of my life say such sweet words to me. Such a blissful moment." She sighed dreamily, squeezing his waist in a small hug. "I only realized it was real when I heard my phone beep, indicating you hung up."

"I'm so sorry, my love, I didn't mean to wake you," he fussed, but she only shushed him.

"No more apologies." Another kiss to his lips had him going silent, nodding along to her words. With another laugh his way, she curled up against him once more, cozying up in the warmth of her soulmate for the first time in six years. "So yes, I forgive you. I really do."

"Thank you, (y/n)." She pressed one last kiss on his chest, one right above his heart. Like magic, he felt the wounds which have tormented him for years to come slowly but surely heal, tending to itself as she nurtured his love once more. A sigh of relief puffed out of his lips, one tear slipping from his eye as he savored the exhilarating serenity of the moment. Of being with his beloved again. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

(a/n): welcome to the end of this. if you made it, congratulations! thank you for reading my stuff! i appreciate it greatly! i didn't expect for this to be as big as it wound up being. as of right now, it is the longest fic i have published. im happy with how it came out though. hopefully i have more stories planned for the future! thanks for reading!

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