#sorry for double posting today im just so severely bored

[dukemercury]

our lady of salvation

head in my hands i wanted to make a madoka to match the homura i drew and the lighting got out of hand... i think about her so much

[ID: A digital drawing of a bust of Madoka Kaname from Puella Magi Madoka Magica. She is depicted in her magical girl uniform against a dark background. She clasps her hands together and stares at the viewer with tears in her eyes and a determined look. Her right eye is a regular pink, while the left one is golden. Rays of light spilling from it and the tears from that side of the face seem to ascend into the air. She glows with pink light, while golden light illuminates her from behind and overhead. More golden light emanates from the soul gem on her chest. Above her head is a glowing closed-eye symbol with three tears. End ID.]

[meownotgood]

new message !! / CSM x reader

the texts they send you when you're away.

includes: aki, denji, & yoshida

genre: headcanons / fluff

note: this post is sfw, but this account contains nsfw content. please do not follow if you are a minor.

☆ AKI basically never uses his phone. He doesn't have any social media; you can coax him into installing some if you want, but he's not going to use them. If he wants to speak to you, he'll usually opt to call you rather than send a text because he prefers to hear your voice. But in situations where he can't, or when he just wants to let you know he's thinking of you, he'll send a message your way.

14:22 [ aki <3 ]: Hey.

14:25 [ aki <3 ]: I miss you.

14:29 [ aki <3 ]: Do you want to go out tonight? We can go anywhere you'd like. My treat.

Even though Aki pays little attention to his phone, if you ever text him, he's usually quick to reply. If you call him, the phone will never go more than three rings without an answer. For one, he's memorized your special ringtone (it's a song you texted to him the first time he gave you his number). And for second, you, Denji, and Power are the only ones who ever send him texts, so he knows if he gets a notification, it's probably important.

In the rare cases where he happens to miss your call though, the texts he sends immediately after are always extremely apologetic.

22:46 [ aki <3 ]: I'm sorry I missed your call.

22:48 [ aki <3 ]: Are you okay? Do you need anything?

22:51 [ aki <3 ]: Call me back when you get the chance.

Sometimes Aki sends you goofy pics of whatever mischief Denji and Power are getting up to, or pictures of Meowy when he's sleeping on Aki's lap. He also loves to send you pictures of the view from his balcony when he's having a smoke.

7:14 [ aki <3 ]: (1 image attachment)

7:17 [ aki <3 ]: The sunrise over the city is really beautiful today. I wish you were here to see it.

Aki rarely takes or sends pictures of himself. He'll take pictures with you if you ask, and if you beg to see him hard enough, maybe he'll send you a selfie. Maybe. Only after he re-takes it a thousand times to make sure it's perfect.

Aki's texts are always professional and proper, just like his demeanor. He always capitalizes his sentences, always uses correct grammar, and never uses any emojis or abbreviations. The one exception to this rule is if he's drunk. Aki tries to stay away from his phone when he's plastered, but if he manages to get his hands on it, you can expect to wake up to several incoherent drunk texts.

2:35 [ aki <3 ]: hi sweeetheartv

2:36 [ aki <3 ]: im drunk sorry

2:36 [ aki <3 ]: but I lpve u so much

2:36 [ aki <3 ]: myy anwgel

2:38 [ aki <3 ]: miss u terribly. come out 2 drink w us nextt time yeah??,

After texting you for a while, Aki developed a small habit of texting you good morning and good night. When you told him you liked it, he made certain to never forget to send you a good morning and good night text every single day. Your contact in his phone is the first thing he sees when he wakes up and the last thing he sees before he goes to bed.

23:41 [ aki <3 ]: Goodnight. Sleep well and have sweet dreams. Text me when you wake up tomorrow.

☆ DENJI asked you for your number as soon as Aki bought him a cell phone. He had absolutely no clue how to use it at first, but thankfully, you were there to teach him. And double thankfully, phones have built in autocorrect, so he doesn't have to worry about spelling everything wrong (most of the time).

Now he can talk to you whenever he wants! And boy, does Denji send you a lot of texts. If your phone is vibrating like crazy, you know it's probably Denji. He essentially uses your inbox as his way to tell you everything he's thinking at any given point.

10:34 [ denji ^^ ]: Dude at work rn SOOOO BORED

10:34 [ denji ^^ ]: I wanna hang out with u

10:34 [ denji ^^ ]: This suckkkkzzzzzzzz

10:35 [ denji ^^ ]: What are u doin?

10:36 [ denji ^^ ]: Hey check out what Power just showed me lol 8====D~~~~~~

10:36 [ denji ^^ ]: It's a dick

Once Denji figured out how to send pictures to you, he had his heart set on sending you pictures of literally everything. He sends you pics of all the stuff he comes across that he thinks you might find cool. He also sends lots of pictures of Power and Aki. Sometimes Meowy too, if he can get the cat to hold still.

They're all blurry and incomprehensible most of the time, but you suppose it's the thought that counts. Besides, you can still make them out... kinda.

18:19 [ denji ^^ ]: (1 image attachment)

18:19 [ denji ^^ ]: Shit its blurry

18:21 [ denji ^^ ]: (1 image attachment)

18:21 [ denji ^^ ]: Look dude I beat Powers ASS at mario kart

18:21 [ denji ^^ ]: You should come over and play its really fun

18:22 [ denji ^^ ]: If u want to

Of course, Denji loves when you send pictures to him, too. It's crazy to him that he can see what you're doing and where you are through his little phone screen. He saves every picture you send (after he bothered Aki to show him how), but the pictures you send of your face are his favorite. Denji will never leave you on read, so if your message says opened for a while, trust that he's just admiring your picture.

13:57 [ denji ^^ ]: CYTE

13:57 [ denji ^^ ]: CUTE

13:58 [ denji ^^ ]: I mean

13:58 [ denji ^^ ]: Your cute

14:07 [ denji ^^ ]: Hey how do I make it my background???

Denji hasn't quite figured out how to use all the features on his phone. Honestly, you're not sure he even knows what Google is. You don't really want to tell him though. You won't admit it, but you secretly like when he comes to you with every single question he has.

17:25 [ denji ^^ ]: Do u know what 12 x 7 is

17:25 [ denji ^^ ]: I dunno

17:26 [ denji ^^ ]: Aki tell me to look it up but idk how

17:32 [ denji ^^ ]: Can u come over

☆ YOSHIDA is super popular and super cool, so it took you a while to work up the courage to ask for his number. Although he gave it to you gladly, you weren't sure if he would even bother to text you after the exchange. You know he's in a ton of group chats with his classmates, and he has a lot of followers on social media. He probably didn't care to text someone unimportant like you... right?

Well, you soon found out that you were very wrong. Yoshida was waiting for this for a long time, actually. And he has no problem ignoring all of his other messages and notifications just to text you back.

15:26 [ yoshida ❀ ]: hey, you weren't in class today, what's up?

15:28 [ yoshida ❀ ]: i can come over and show you what we went over today if you want

15:29 [ yoshida ❀ ]: i'll bring iced coffee too :)

Yoshida uses the fact that you two are classmates as an excuse to text you more than necessary. He sends you pictures of the white board or last night's homework answers, even if you didn't ask for them. Somehow, he always ends up as your partner on group projects. He's just texting you a lot 'cause he wants to get to know his partner, that's all.

His favorite pass-time in class is texting you instead of paying attention. He knows he's going to ace this test anyways, and the current lecture is soooooo boring. The time will definitely go by quicker if he spends it messaging you and stealing glances at you when he can.

9:15 [ yoshida ❀ ]: im totally gonna fall asleep

9:15 [ yoshida ❀ ]: i hate this professor

9:17 [ yoshida ❀ ]: hey. look over here

9:18 [ yoshida ❀ ]: did you see me wave? :)

9:18 [ yoshida ❀ ]: your outfit today is cute btw

Yoshida is no stranger to sending you pictures of himself, too. He has a little bit of smugness about it. Yoshida knows that he's handsome and he knows that he's effortlessly photogenic, so whenever he sees a photo opportunity, he's going to take it.

18:04 [ yoshida ❀ ]: (1 image attachment)

18:06 [ yoshida ❀ ]: (1 image attachment)

18:07 [ yoshida ❀ ]: which one should i post? or which one do you like more?

18:10 [ yoshida ❀ ]: next time i see you, you should take a picture with me. i want to post a pic of the both of us. ^.^

Yoshida really enjoys texting with you, even if you end up texting back and forth late into the night, when he should be sleeping so he can get up early for school tomorrow. He's a night owl anyway, so honestly, he's fine with sacrificing on the sleep so he can talk to you. And if you call him? Even better. He could listen to your voice forever.

Speaking of, his favorite thing is sending you voice messages. It's a bit more convenient than texting, plus he knows you're a sucker for his smooth voice. He almost always sends you a voice message in the morning while he's walking to class.

7:25 [ yoshida ❀ ]: (1 voice note)

7:28 [ yoshida ❀ ]: (1 link)

7:28 [ yoshida ❀ ]: here's the playlist i was talking about in that voice message

7:29 [ yoshida ❀ ]: give it a listen when you can, i think you'll like it <3

[artificialqueens]

The Goode Case, 1/14 (Jaida/Jan) - Juno

Summary: The case of the missing heiress and NYU senior Gigi Goode throws New York detective Jaida, along with her colleagues Brita and Jackie, into a mystery. Especially when the case takes a paranormal turn. And Jaida is not ready to face her truth. 

Chapter Summary: Being on call on a Saturday is a drag, but a clue and two witnesses can’t wait until Monday. Not when it’s been thirty-six hours since Gigi Goode disappeared.

(A/N: Hi all - after lurking for a while I’m posting for the first time! The ship(s) are REALLY slow burn, and the whole fic is huge by complete accident, so if you’d rather read it on AO3 it’s over there too. So here’s the insane detective au that no one asked for. I hope you enjoy!)

Saturday 28th October

9.30AM

It wasn’t the usual alarm that made Jaida roll over sleepily, even though initially she thought it was. 

She liked to organise her life separately, and that included her phone tones. One tone for family, one tone for Heidi and her other closest friends, one for colleagues, and one for strangers. Of course sleep threw her memory out of the window, and in thinking she was hitting the sleep button, she inadvertently declined the call instead.

The phone sounded again a few seconds after Jaida had closed her eyes and thrown her arm back over her face, drifting back into her dream. This time, coming to, she picked up the phone and peered at the screen. Jackie’s name had come up. 

Of course, she realised – it was a work tone, not an alarm.

“This is Hall.”

“Jaida, I think there’s been an update on the case you’re on.” 

How did Jackie sound so put-together this early on a Saturday? And how would she know about the case anyway? Brita was heading it, while Jackie had been working on something different. Surely Brita would have been the one to call?

“What’s the update?” 

“Something to do with the abandoned property on Westfield Avenue.”

“You mean the old Visage guest house?” Jaida rubbed her eyes. “What does that place have to do with anything on the case? You know damn well it’ll just be more kids playing around. Brita and I got called there to break up a party or something three weeks ago.”

“I’m not sure. But what I do know, is that it will be me and you. And you know what that means, don’t you?”

Jaida nodded grimly. 

Jackie’s – unusual – talents weren’t really publicly known, but they weren’t really unknown either within the office.

“If you nod, I can’t hear you.”

“Okay okay, I’m getting up.” Jaida stifled a yawn. “Is it plain clothes or uniform?”

“Uhm,” Jackie paused, “I didn’t catch that part. But don’t come round yet. Just wait for Brita to call you. Don’t tell her I called first, you know how she gets.”

Jaida put down the phone, stretched and rolled to the edge of the bed, sitting up. 

“Phone call from Brita in five, four, three …”

Her phone was ringing again before she could even finish counting. This time it was the friend tone, she saw Brita on her screen, in a selfie they had taken together. 

While Jackie was still relatively new to the team, Brita and Jaida went way back. Three long years on the team as Detectives, and even with Brita’s recent promotion to team leader, half a step below Sergeant, they were still tight. Jaida preferred to keep some separation, but Brita had graduated to a friend, not just a colleague.

 “This is Hall.”

 “Jaida. Wait. You’re awake?” Brita sounded incredulous.

“Sure.” 

“On a Saturday?”

“Girl …”

“… before noon?”

“Shut up, Brita.”

There was silence for a few moments. “Has Jackie already called you?”

“No,” Jaida said, but she knew it was a little too fast.

Brita sighed on the other end of the phone. “She’s really starting to get on my nerves. I told her not to do her telepathic stuff on me unless I ask her to, or like, I’m unconscious at a crime scene. I don’t need her reading my mind whenever Chief gives me an update on a case.”

“I don’t think she can always control it, especially if you’re shocked by something. And you know she doesn’t normally. You said you can feel it when she does it! That’s more than what I can do.” 

“Anyway, a clue has been found at the old Visage guest house. The one that’s been abandoned since the 80s. A gold anklet. Check your email when I ring off for the photo and the updated report on the case.”

Jaida sighed. “Plain or uniform?”

“Plain, until we know more. Can you be here at eleven?”

“Sure.” Like she had a choice.

When Brita hung up, Jaida sent a quick text to Heidi, who she’d promised to meet today for a shopping trip.

Jaida: Heidi Aphrodite x

Heidi: hey gorg xx

Jaida: Hey, got an emergency at work. Can’t come out today. Sorry, will make it up to you next Saturday if you want? 

Heidi: Jai you promised! How am i gonna look hot tonight for my date without u to get me fashion tips? Xx

Heidi: im gonna look like a witch lmao x

Jaida: Sorry H. She gonna love u anyway though! And no you won’t look like a witch! Xx

Eleven was pushing it, so Jaida opted for a pair of plain black jeans with a black polo neck sweatshirt, the first things to appear before her in what she called her “boring shelf” of her drawers, where she had the plain clothes for work. There wasn’t even any time for makeup really – she just swiped a layer of mascara and lip gloss and seized her bag before heading out the door of her room.

“Hey, Widow,” she called to her housemate, who was already up and in the living room, her paintbrush in hand, holding it up to the window and using it to measure the angles of the view outside. “You get much sleep last night?”

“Not much,” Widow said, not turning from her painting, “been up since the crack of fucking dawn.” She dabbed a bit more of the orange and ran it into the colours already on the canvas, spilling some onto the newspapers on the floor, and the band shirt and long shorts she wore, which were already covered in paint. “I can’t even remember what the sun looked like.”

Jaida inspected the painting from afar, a gorgeous interpretation of the sunrise from their apartment, which faced east, in Widow’s favourite set of acrylics. 

The sun had long risen already and was now behind some dark clouds, but Widow was working partly from the outside, and partly from a photo she’d taken from her phone. Her strokes were frantic, paint dotting the newspapers that she always put down.

“Did you even try to sleep last night?” Jaida asked warily.

“Bitch of course I did, but I can’t sleep much right now, you know how it is.” Widow wiped her brow with her forearm and reached down to the table behind her for the mug of black coffee she’d poured herself. 

“There’s some coffee in the pot if you want some?”

“Nah, I got to work. Emergency.”

“You’re fucking married to your work, Jai,” Widow said sadly, picking up the brush again and dipping back into the orange, still not looking at her. “There’s more to life.” 

Jaida wanted more than anything to stay here and comfort Widow, but she knew she’d miss the bus if she stayed much more. Instead she went to give her a kiss on the cheek and a one-armed hug before seizing her coat and bag and heading out the door. 

It was October, late October, and it was already turning cold this year. Jaida tugged her coat around her and blew into her hands as she stood waiting for the bus. Once she was on, it was a long ride into the city, and she got to settle into her seat and finally open her email. 

The photo was just a photograph of an anklet sent from a phone, on the white table so as to make it stand out. But the report that Brita had attached, it was the Goode case. 

Jaida frowned. Brita and Jaida had been working on that yesterday, but Jackie was on a different case, so that couldn’t be right. And it wasn’t like Brita not to double-check exactly what she was sending her. She’d have to check with her when she got to the office.

11.04AM

“Sorry I’m late,” Jaida lied through her teeth as she dashed into the meeting room. Four minutes was neither here nor there, but Brita was always on time for everything, and a few minutes was still a slight affront. 

Jackie, next to Brita, raised an eyebrow in a way that let Jaida know that she wasn’t convinced.

“Traffic?” Brita asked.

“Traffic,” Jaida nodded. “And that driver, he didn’t know the green light from the red one. Took the car behind beeping like crazy for him to move.”

Jackie’s other eyebrow was raised now too. Jaida didn’t feel guilty in telling a little white lie, but she did occasionally forget about Jackie’s telepathic abilities. Unlike Brita though, Jaida couldn’t tell when Jackie was hearing her thoughts, so Jackie had probably seen through her mind that Jaida had spent the last ten minutes hurriedly gulping down her Starbucks rather than in a traffic jam. Honestly, Jaida probably could have done with some more coffee, but needs must and all that. 

She gave Jackie a look, and repeated in her mind just go with it just go with it just go with it as loudly as she could think, until Jackie looked away.

“Okay, well now that you’re here, we need to discuss the morning’s itinerary,” Brita said, unfolding the paper she’d printed. “Here’s the revised report.”

“Yeah about that, I think you sent me the wrong one,” Jaida interrupted.

“I know what you’re thinking, but the new clue does seem to relate to the Goode case.” Brita nodded grimly. 

“Has Jackie been filled in on the Goode case?”

“Well, I read the report,” Jackie replied. “Georgina Goode, twenty-two, senior in fashion design at NYU, missing since Thursday night, that sound about right?”

“That sums it up, yes.” Brita unfurled the map of the area. 

“Georgina was last seen at a party on Northfield, here, on Thursday night, several witnesses have confirmed that. We’re on Saturday morning now. Last sighting was on a security camera on the corner of Northfield and Westfield, and that was at …” Brita glanced at the date stamp on the camera print out. “Eleven twenty-nine. Georgina was turning onto Westfield through that camera. The first camera on Westfield is still undergoing repairs, and the second one never caught her.”

“Could she have gotten into a car?” Jackie asked, but Brita shook her head. 

“No cars on camera were recorded on any of the streets at that time, not until eleven thirty-five. And that driver was interviewed first thing this morning. His alibi is water-tight.”

“So she’s been gone for thirty-six hours,” Jaida nodded. “And her parents are still saying she’s not home?”

Brita shook her head, chewing her bottom lip grimly. 

Jaida felt her heart sinking. The fact that Georgina was heading into the second day of being officially missing, meant that this investigation was more and more likely becoming a search for a body rather than a person. 

“And the anklet that’s been found, is it Georgina’s?” 

“We’ve yet to have confirmation from the parents, but we did get some … uh, unusual new witnesses to the case. Two students from NYU. They went to the Visage guest house to do some paranormal stuff,” Brita used her fingers to make speech marks. “They’re the ones who found the anklet, and one of claims it’s Georgina’s. They’ve agreed to interview today, at eleven thirty.”

“I thought that house was boarded up?” Jackie asked. 

“Well, one of them found a loose window. Let the other one in. And it’s a good thing they did,” Brita said darkly, “because otherwise we’d have no leads yet. And it gets more interesting from there.”

“How?”

“Come with me,” Brita beckoned to them both, “and we’ll go set up for interview. I’ll watch the monitors.”

11.30AM

The witness room had the blinds drawn to keep out the sun, for even though it wasn’t the warmest day, the windows in that room could heat it right up in a heartbeat if the sun was out. It meant that the light was on, even though it was still early. 

The two women were also seniors, as Georgina was. From the notes Jaida had been given, they were Kristen and Ava, and Jaida read that Kristen shared classes with Georgina, while Ava knew her through Kristen. One of them was trembling while the other looked quite placid. 

Jaida looked from one to the other, then down at her notepad, while Jackie sat down next to her, her eyes darting between the two witnesses as she pressed the record button. 

Jaida cleared her throat. “So, uhm, Kristen and Ava –“

“No! We’ve said this ten times already!” The more nervous of the two piped up. “I’m Crystal, she’s Aiden! Whoever wrote down our names in the lobby wrote them wrong!” Crystal, the one who was speaking, put her head in her hands, obscured by a curtain of curly red hair. Aiden put a hand on Crystal’s shoulder to calm her down.

“Sorry about my friend, she’s not normally this anxious, we’ve just had – an experience,” Aiden said quietly. 

Jackie nodded. “I understand.” 

She was trying to sound sympathetic, but Jaida caught a hitch in her voice, felt Jackie tense up suddenly. Even with their mental connection, Jaida could not read minds, so Jackie’s thoughts would have to remain a mystery for now at least. 

“I’ll adjust it now,” Jaida muttered, crossing out the names and re-writing them. “Right, Crystal and Aiden, you found the anklet in the old guest house?”

Crystal emerged from behind her hands. “Yeah, yeah we did.”

“Why were you there? Did you think Georgina would be there?”

“She – she’d mentioned something about it,” Crystal was shivering, Aiden rubbing her shoulder, seemingly encouraging her to go on.

“Do you remember what she said exactly?” Jaida asked, pen hovering over the notepad.

“She said it had been owned by a relative,” Crystal replied. “I can’t remember who, some distant relative.“ 

“The Visage family closed the house after a few controversies back in the eighties,” Jaida said. “Were the Visage family related to Georgina’s?”

“No one calls her Georgina, she’s Gigi.”

“Alright, well were they related to Gigi?”

“I mean, I don’t know, but she said they were!” Crystal’s voice was rising in pitch, shaking with emotion. Aiden continued to rub her shoulder while she took a couple of deep breaths to relax. 

Jackie’s breathing on the other hand was shaky next to Jaida, and Jaida wished that Jackie would leave the room or something, if she was getting something mentally from these girls.

“So you went to the house. Did you think Gigi was inside it?”

Jaida managed to catch Aiden, whose face had been expressionless so far, tense a muscle in her jaw and her eyes dart to Crystal, who met them before looking back at Jaida. 

“I don’t know.” Crystal shook her head. 

“You sure?” Jaida asked.

“Well,” Crystal began, but Jaida saw it clearly this time; Aiden give her shoulder a rapid squeeze, and Crystal sighed. “I thought I saw her inside. But I was wrong,” she added hurriedly. Aiden, next to her, tensed her jaw again. 

“Inside? In the building?“ 

Aiden took her hand away from Crystal. 

“I didn’t see her,” Aiden said, speaking finally, “but Crystal said she did, so I looked around and I – I found a loose board in one of the windows,” she shrugged. “I didn’t see the issue with taking it off to get in, especially if Crystal said she saw someone.” Her tone was defiant.

“You girls aren’t in trouble for going in, if you think she was there,” Jaida tried to calm her down, “but you’re saying you didn’t see her?”

Aiden paused before shaking her head. “No, I didn’t.”

“But she must have been there, because that’s her anklet! I gave her that for her birthday last December, she’s worn it ever since!” Crystal cried. 

“You recognise the anklet? In this picture?” Jaida slid the photo of it to her.

In response, Crystal leaned into her chair and raised her right leg to the table, lifting her floor-length skirt away from her ankle. She was wearing an identical anklet to the one in the picture.

“We have the same ones! Matching ones. She’s my best friend.”

Crystal was seemingly holding back tears now; and as she put her foot back on the floor, she rubbed her eyes ferociously with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry, I want you to take me seriously, I know it sounds crazy, but I know what I saw. I saw Gigi, and we found the anklet, so she must have been there.”

“So you found the anklet, but did you see any other sign of disturbance?”

“I don’t – I don’t know. We just found the anklet, and we – we left,” Crystal stuttered, glancing at Aiden as if for confirmation.

“You didn’t see or hear any people? No one in there?”

“No, no one,” Crystal said.

“You sure?”

Crystal nodded. Aiden’s left eye gave a definite twitch. 

Jackie pushed back her chair, muttering something about needing water. She stumbled to the door of the witness room, pulling it open and rushing away. 

“I think we should wrap up for now on this,” Jaida said, rapping her notebook. “But before we do, is there anything else we should know that you have that could help us with the investigation?”

They both hesitated.

“Remember that your friend is missing,” Jaida said as gently as she could. “If you know anything that could help her, you’re doing the best by her in telling us.”

Aiden shook her head slowly, biting her lower lip.

“I don’t think I do,” Crystal muttered. “But … can I call you if, you know, anything else happens?”

Jaida slid her card over the table. “Sure, any time you need to.”

She turned off the recorder and let the two students leave the room, before turning out herself, locking the door behind her. They hurried down the corridor, back to the lobby, and disappeared out of the building.

Back in the meeting room, Jaida entered to find Brita was clutching Jackie’s shoulders, Jackie still shaking in fright, a glass of water shuddering in her hand. Jaida made sure the door to the meeting room was closed.

“Child, what was that about?”

“Jaida,” Brita warned, but Jackie put her glass down on the table.

“No, Brita, I need to tell her too! She probably noticed the same thing.” Jackie sat down in the chair, joined by Brita next to her, while Jaida took an opposing seat.

“It was so … weird,” Jackie’s voice quaked with emotion, “but that girl with the short hair, Aiden, I got – I got nothing at all from her.”

“Nothing? That’s weird,” Jaida agreed. 

“Not even the whispering?”

“Nothing!” Jackie cried, pushing back her fringe. “It was so strange! I don’t think I’ve ever had that from someone! I mean, I know I have to have a connection with people to read them clearly, but most people at least whisper! I don’t get why … why I didn’t even hear that!”

“And the other one? Crystal?” Brita asked quietly.

Jackie took a deep breath to steady herself, suddenly stone-cold and calm, and looked Jaida straight in the eyes. 

“She’s like you, Jai.”

[duskastormgrove]

SSO February Prompt Day 14: Your Valentine

something different for this prompt, i decided to write and post something for the first time in 6 years!

this is a oneshot about my oc making a gift for ydris, i had intended for it to be able to be interpreted as platonic but uhhh that didn’t happen! anyway don’t razz me too hard im out of practice.

This was not nearly enough bee balm. Duska had thought her crafting larder well stocked but while she had flax coming out of her ears her supply of bee balm meant the dye would not nearly be purple enough. She had a full day of stutching, crimping and brushing the flax and spinning it into thread, there was no way she could spare the time to grab more. However, Duska was lucky enough to have very loyal (and very bored) friends, and her first instinct was to pull up her chat with Alex.

D: girl help

A: what you need bb

D: bee balm

D: as much as you can carry

A: can I ask what for?

D: valentine’s gift I’m making

A: :o

A: omw

True to her word, Alex was in Valedale and jogging to the workshop within the hour. In her arms was a bundle of bee balm and her fingers were faintly green from furiously yanking up the stems.

“You’re a lifesaver Alex,”Duska groaned in relief, immediately relieving her friend of her burden and starting to strip the blossoms from the stems.

“Least I could do considering you helped me ask Maya out last Christmas!” Alex hoisted herself up onto the only uncluttered workbench to watch Duska work. She was silent for all of thirty seconds before the prodding began, “sooooo, who’s the lucky person?”

Duska pointedly ignored her and threw the flowers into a boiling pot. She stirred and hummed in a satisfied way when the violet colour began to bleed into the water. She didn’t look up when Alex came to stand behind her and look into the pot as well. Eventually Duska banged the spoon on the side of the pot and dropped it onto the bench.

“You’re thinking too hard, I can see the smoke coming out of your ears,” she snapped, jabbing a finger at Alex’s forehead.

“It’s just- the colour looked familiar but like, I don’t want to assume or anything but uh… it’s circus bae, right?”

“Please. Never call him that again I feel part of me die when you do,” Duska moaned, rubbing her temples. “But yes, I’m making a new ringmaster’s jacket for Ydris. I felt bad I scorched his usual one.”

“When he was keeping Concorde prisoner and turned you into a 5 carat Lusitano?”

“You know it wasn’t out of malice, Alex. It’s hard to explain but when he talked about Pandoria under threat from Garnok he seemed so hopeless and scared. I really think he was desperate and taking desperate measures.”

Alex was quiet for a while and sat herself back on the workbench. Duska put the lid on the pot and waited until it started rattling before she turned the heat down to a simmer. Another hour or so and she could start straining the colour away from the flowers. In the meantime she could stutch more flax and get it ready to be spun on the wheel. She might even have time to make cloth on the loom today!

“Is this the part where you beat the shit out of the plants?” Alex asked, swinging her legs in excitement, “Can I help out? Please? I’ll beat it up so good I promise!” Duska sighed but laid the stems over the board and showed Alex how to beat the fibres out properly with the stutching stick. Soon the Lightning Circle Rider was happily smacking the flax and Duska could sit at the wheel and start spinning lengths of thread from the flax she’d stutched, crimped and brushed out earlier. The sounds of the wheel turning and the steady thumpthumpthump of Alex working away were almost soothing to Duska’s ears. Alex was a chatty type of friend, moreso than Lisa or Anne but there was no such thing as an uncomfortable silence with her, simply working in the same room was enough for her, especially if she thought she was being helpful.

“All finished!” Alex proclaimed as she ran the last of the coarse flax through the brush, “Can I do anything else Dus?”

“Nothing that I can think of,” Duska said regretfully, “thanks so much for today, I really appreciate it.”

“Eh, that’s what pals are for!” Alex said, slapping a hand on Duska’s shoulder and went to leave the workshop, “I’ll see you at the Galentine’s trail ride!” Duska waved fondly and rolled her shoulders before hunching back over the spinning wheel, just an hour or so more and she could move to the loom, another backbreaker.

“Oh and Duska?” Duska looked up from the wheel, to see Alex’s face, smiling but with a worried crease to her brow, “Be careful alright?”

 ---------------------

“Sorry I’m late Daxton, took forever to load these screens onto Clover’s back, nearly dropped them in the Hollow Woods too!” Duska hipchecked the door to Daxton’s shop open and sidled in sideways with the two enormous screens she had prepared in advance. Silk, for the inside of the jacket, had a fairly straightforward dyeing process that would lead to a nice pattern. For this one in particular she only needed two screens but she also needed dye baths and a silk dyeing setup she simply didn’t have. This is where Daxton came in. The anxious tailor had a delightful array of fancy tailor tools and was willing to help her in return for all the deliveries and favours she’d done for him in the last two years.

“Don’t worry, things are slow today,” Daxton reassured her as he grabbed the other side of the screens and helped Duska carry them to the back, “Give me a second I want to clean these up, go check those fabric samples on the desk and make sure they’re the colours you want.” Duska did as instructed, while Daxton polished the screens off with a cloth that reminded her of a cloth she used to scrub the dust off of her horses before a show.

“All good, these are exactly what I’m looking for,” Duska said, laying the fabric down and grabbing a roll of silk material to lay across the rack. She taped it flat and Daxton lay the screen over it, double-checking the placement before he grabbed the bottle of dye. The purple dye went on first and Daxton dragged a large squeegee across the screen to spread it evenly onto the silk. When he moved the screen to the next spot Duska could see the purple pattern, with white blank spaces waiting for the next dye.

“Oh fuck yeah this looks awesome Dax!” she exclaimed and the tailor shushed her.

“Please! I need to concentrate or something awful might happen!” Not willing to take a chance on whether or not this was Daxton’s paranoia at work or an actual possibility, Duska kept silent and simply hovered over his shoulder and watched until the fabric was covered in purple dye.

“Next screen,” Daxton said, wiping sweat from his forehead. Duska hurried to remove the old one and set up the new one. She felt strangely useless here, with Daxton in his element and blasting through silk like no one’s business. This time the gold dye was poured on, and it filled the blank spaces the first screen had left. By the time Daxton reached the end of the roll it was filled entirely with the repeating pattern and Duska was waiting anxiously with a glass of water.

“Aideen’s light, Dax! This is perfect!”

“Okay, we’ll wait until it dries and then you can take it home!” Daxton readjusted his thick glasses to admire his handiwork and gratefully took the glass, “What are you making with this anyway?”

“Oh it’s a Valentine’s day gift.”

The colour drained from Daxton’s face and the hand holding his water began to tremble.

“Jeepers, glad you didn’t tell me it was so important, I would’ve messed it up for sure!”

 -------------------------

It wasn’t unusual for Farah to find her chief apprentice clattering around in the workshop before dawn. Duska was a hard worker and liked to get the orders done and delivered early to free up the rest of her day. She was a busy woman from what Farah saw of her zooming around on various horses and doing chores for residents of Valedale. What was unusual, was the amount of swearing coming from down by the river.

“Everything okay here?” she asked cautiously. Duska looked up, several pins hanging from her mouth and fabric aggressively clutched in her hands.

“It’s fine. It’s… swell.”

“Not sure I believe that one,” Farah laughed, feeling it was safe to approach her apprentice, “Let me in there, I can help out, are we doing a jacket?” She might have felt bad for intruding but Duska’s immediate look of relief assuaged those worries.

“It’s the lapels, I’m stuggling with them, if you could fix them I could finally start the epaulettes?” Duska asked hopefully.

“No problem, it’s a beautiful jacket so far, I love the silk pattern!”

“Thanks, Daxton helped me out with it, it turned out exactly how I wanted,” Duska explained as she went around the back of the mannequin to start sewing the golden fringed epaulettes onto the shoulders, “This is the first time I’ve made a Valentine’s gift, I’m… admittedly a little stressed about it.” Farah raised an eyebrow.

“It’s a lot of effort for a Valentine’s gift.”

“Well, he doesn’t celebrate Christmas, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a birthday.”

“He… doesn’t-”

“Don’t worry about it. Just know this is the best time for a gift.” Farah didn’t quite know how to respond so she simply continued on with the lapels in silence. Well, almost silence. Her grandmother always sang while she worked so Farah had picked up the habit too. If she listened carefully after a while she could hear Duska quietly humming along. The two of them finished their respective tasks fairly quickly, and stood back to look at the whole piece together.

“Looks good! Just the cuffs and buttons left yeah? I can help with them if you’d like?” Farah offered, but Duska shook her head.

“I want to do the finishing touches myself, feels a bit more personal that way, if that makes sense?”

“No, no, I get it. Best of luck with it, whoever the lucky person is he’s sure to love it!” Farah turned to go back to the request board, she’d cover the orders today, Duska deserved the day to herself to finish her work. Farah couldn’t help but wonder who such an extravagant ringmaster’s jacket would be meant for.

 -----------------------

February 14th. Now or never. Duska had been tense all morning, and now as she was carefully packing the box into her delivery satchel she almost felt queasy with nerves. This wasn’t such a big deal, the jacket was nice! Ydris wasn’t going to blast her to dust because she gave him a gift, was he? At worst he’d treat it the same as Isebell’s Yule gift and simply not open it. That would almost be preferable. It was still early in the morning so maybe she could simply drop the package into the delivery box and take off before she was noticed. That was a pretty solid plan, she’d have to leave straight away though.

“Duska?”

There goes that plan.

“Sorry Duska, but if you’re heading in that direction could you deliver this herbal tea to Mrs. Holdsworth?” Farah looked contrite enough that Duska loaded the tea into the bag without a word. She was taking Cinder, her beloved soul horse, if any horse was going to give her the confidence she needed it would be the silver dapple mare. With a pat and a cluck of her tongue, Cinder ambled towards the woodland road to Silverglade Village and beyond. A short detour to Moorland wouldn’t add too much time to her journey, not with the way Cinder liked to gallop down the trail leading there. Speaking of which, the warmblood began to toss her head and pull at the bit when they cleared the woods.

“Alright lady, let ‘em have it,”Duska acquiesced, letting the reins go long. Cinder took off with glee, mane flapping, hooves pounding, and nearly jostling Duska right out of the saddle. This pace would definitely keep them on time!

 “I have your tea leaves Mrs. H,” Duska greeted her favourite neighbourhood witch.

“Thank you darling, sit down and have a cup with me why don’t you?” Mrs Holdsworth patted the picnic bench and Duska was sorely tempted to delay the inevitable by having tea and a chat with her.

“Sorry but, I kind of have an important delivery to do, maybe tomorrow?”

“A gift for a paramour?” Mrs. Holdsworth guessed, a little too accurately and with a glint in her eye.

“Ugh. Who told you?”

“Alex is never a great keeper of secrets, but to give her credit she only confided in me because she was worried,” Mrs. Holdsworth propped her cane against the bench and sat down, “Let me have a peek.” Duska reluctantly dismounted and let Cinder graze while she carefully unboxed the jacket and displayed it to the wise old woman.

Mrs. Holdsworth took her time examining the jacket, turning over the sleeves, peering at the stitching over her half rim glasses and rubbing a thumb over the silk lining. Duska almost felt like she was being assessed for an exam. She wanted to get a good grade on the ‘Old Woman Critiques Your Lovesick Tailoring Exam’. A totally fine and normal thing to want.

“Hm!” Mrs. Holdsworth finally proclaimed. She shuffled over to the base of one of the cherry trees in her yard and bent down, grabbing a handful of grass in the shadow of the tree. “Show me the front again?” Duska flipped the jacket and came closer, careful not to let the coattails drag in the dirt. Mrs. Holdsworth threaded the grass through one of the button holes and tied a knot in the stems. She put her hands on her hips and nodded approvingly. “There you are dearie, now off you go, Valentine’s Day waits for no one!”

Duska repacked the jacket cautiously and looked closer at the grass. Instead of simple blades, Mrs. Holdsworth had put a small bouquet of clovers into the topmost button hole.

------------------------

Time was now of the essence. Duska slid off Cinder’s back as soon she skidded to a halt at Nilmer’s Highland and sprinted to the delivery box. Any courage she’d built up on her exhilarating gallop to get there was rapidly deserting her and she wanted to vault back onto Cinder and scamper back to Valedale as fast as humanly possible. Still, ‘fast as humanly possible’ wasn’t enough to outspeed a leisurely Pandorian stroll, as to her horror, the door of the wagon swung open just as the delivery box lid swung closed.

“Little dove!” Ydris boomed, “to what do I owe the pleasure? I don’t recall making an order at Ms. Farah’s quaint little workshop.” Duska couldn’t do anything to intervene as Ydris flipped the lid and dipped his hand in for the box. “Oh?” He hummed, gently tugging at the ribbon, “a gift for the amazing Ydris? I appear to have an admirer, my dove.”

“Sure seems so,” Duska managed through gritted teeth. He smirked at her and started to prod and poke and shake the box, holding it to his ear and tapping a rhythm on the side. “I know you’re not from around here,” Duska intoned heavily, “but it’s considered rude to look at the box and not open it.”

“Silly me! Let me unravel this mystery!” With one yank on the ribbon the knot fell apart, somehow, and Ydris discarded it over his shoulder. He opened the lid, casting that to one side and too khold of the jacket by the lapels, letting the other half of the packaging fall too. “What do we have… here...?”

Duska held her breath as Ydris fell silent. Silence was unnerving with the ringmaster, as was the look he was giving his gift. His face was carefully expressionless as he turned the coat over, gently brushing his hand over the eggplant purple linen. He drifted up to the golden epaulettes, twirling the fringe between his fingers. Finally he opened the jacket, revealing the purple and gold repeating pattern of-

“Panda rays,” he breathed. There was something almost reverent about the way he traced their shapes and Duska felt almost like she shouldn’t be watching him.

“Yeah they’re one of the nicer things I’ve met from Pandoria, sweet little guys,” she responded, looking to fill the awkward quiet. Ydris looked over at her, seeming surprised at her presence, like he’d forgotten she was there. He shook his head and his smirk was back in its usual place.

“One of? Should I consider that a compliment?” Ydris held the jacket out to her and a horrible swooping feeling in her stomach made her hands shake as she took it, but she was quickly relieved of it again as he whipped his old coat off and traded it for his new one in one fluid motion. He pulled the jacket on with a flourish and twirled in a circle to make the tailcoats flare outwards. “How do I look, little dove?”

“I’d trust you to run a circus looking like that,” Duska smiled weakly, feeling relieved that the ringmaster seemed to like it.

“Ah,” Ydris’ twirling came to a stop and he looked suddenly thoughtful, “but I cannot accept this, I have nothing to give you in return.” Duska began to stammer that there was no need to return the favour but Ydris shushed her. “All I can offer, temporarily, is this.”

He took her hand, softly, gently, like a breeze gently tugging it upwards. He leaned forward, all two metres of him, and when she could feel his breath on her skin he snapped his eyes up to meet hers.

“May I?” Thrown by his question Duska just nodded, and he gently pressed his lips to the back of her hand. Her skin tingled and when she dared to look a soft pink mark was glowing on her hand. “Anytime, anywhere, press here and call me, and I’ll come and find you, no matter what, that is a solemn vow, my dove,” Ydris murmured, in a tone far softer than she’d ever heard from him before.

“T-thank you, Ydris, this is… it’s… I’m honoured you’d trust me with this.” Ydris stood upright, straightening his jacket and looking almost flustered.

“Yes well, maybe wear gloves around your druid friends. It’s a one-way ticket to the druid jail under that quaint summer house.”

“Well if that happens you’ll have to come and rescue me like a dashing knight, won’t you?” Ydris smirked but Duska didn’t miss the faint blush that appeared on his cheeks. It almost glowed like the mark he’d left on her.

“I suppose I shall, and I shall do it looking quite splendid, little dove.”

[sinplisticshawn]

get your kicks - prologue: home

pic cred shawnmendesgallery

A/N: hello hello happy new year friends!!!!! this shitshow of a story is brought to u by my procrastination and @evansweaters​ ’s 2k writing challenge. i haven’t written in a loooooong ass time, but i really wanna get back into it so even if it sucks im kinda okay with that. gotta start somewhere!!!! so yeah here we go. hope i do ya proud sami. 

prompt: road trip au + shawn mendes (ft. college!shawn and best friend!shawn)

warnings: language, some heavy-handed exposition pls forgive me lol

word count: 1.7k

______

Amelina had fully expected the house to be empty when she walked in. Four in the afternoon on a Thursday meant her parents were both still at work, and if she remembered correctly, Luis would still be in his last period history class that he raved about every time he called. All of this in mind, she found it completely fair that she screamed bloody murder when all six feet and two inches of white man greeted her with a tackle from behind and a shout of her name.

“Shawn, you absolute ass, what are you doing?” she questioned with a glare when he laughed with his whole body.

“Waiting for you to get home?” he said as if it should be obvious why he was in her house alone when his own home was right next door. “Rosalia said you were coming home today and that I was welcome to wait on you. So I did. I missed you.”

Amelina finally caught her breath and relaxed into his tackle, letting it become a hug. His grip loosened when he dropped his head beside hers and spoke — a little softer that time with his voice muffled in her shoulder.

“Seven months was too long, Lina.”

She squeezed his arm.

“I know.”

______

“Oh my god, and did I even tell you Liyah has a boyfriend now too?”

The incredulous look on Shawn’s face and the way he dramatically dropped the butter knife and bun he had been holding made Lina snort before casting her mother a knowing glance. Lina and Shawn had spent some time at the dining table catching up on their semester apart before her mother arrived shortly after her. After properly welcoming her daughter home, Rosalia asked them to make themselves useful and get started on dinner.

“Does she now?” Lina said, doing her best to seem oblivious as she tossed the veggies in the pan.

“Yeah! I’m gone for half a semester and I come back and she’s all curled up with this Rohail kid on our couch!”

“Rohail? That’s one of Luis’s friends. Nice boy,” Rosalia said.

“I don’t care if he’s a nice boy, she’s fifteen. Why does she even—”

“Lina, have you booked your flight yet?”

Shawn’s tantrum was cut short when Lina’s father called out to her from just outside the kitchen. He had arrived a bit after her mother and made a beeline for his bathroom after giving his daughter a hug. Fully refreshed and having changed out of his work suit and into his favorite cargo shorts, he walked in with his head down, phone in hand.

Lina could feel Shawn’s eyes boring into her back.

“Uh no– no, I haven’t.”

“Your flight?”

The two spoke at the same time, her voice suddenly nervous and his almost concerned. She didn’t take her eyes off of the sautéing onions and peppers.

“Yeah. LAX. I have an interview.”

Her voice stayed steady, but she let herself sneak a peek over her shoulder. Confusion was clear on Shawn’s face, but the slight tilt to his lip suggested hurt. 

“Interview?” was all he managed to stutter out.

“My little Lina is in the final round of interviews for a very prestigious internship,” her father announced, pocketing his phone and crossing the kitchen to kiss her head with a massive grin. He really couldn’t be prouder, but in that moment, Lina found herself almost wishing he cared just a little less. Or at least was quieter about it.

“Oh shit,” Shawn said, his voice much softer than it was mere minutes before when he was talking about his sister. “Congrats, Lina. That’s real big.”

“Thanks,” she said quietly.

Sensing the tension, her mother cleared her throat and gestured to the window that faced the street.

“Looks like your parents are back, mijo. Amelina, why don’t you go say hello and invite them over? You dad can finish up here.”

Rosalia took the spatula and pan from her daughter and shoved them towards her confused husband. Lina nodded, thankful for her mother. She kissed her father’s cheek as a quick way of saying don’t worry, you’re only kind of in trouble before she gestured to the door at Shawn.

“So LA, huh?”

He fought to keep his voice even, walking casually with his hands in his pockets and kicking at rocks as they crossed the street to his house.

“Yeah. Yeah, LA.”

“So would you like… leave UC?”

“Nah, it’s just a one-semester co-op kinda thing. I’d be in LA for the spring taking online classes and working full time, then I go back next fall.”

“Oh okay.”

“Lina!”

Before the front door of the Mendes house was full open, Aaliyah barreled towards Lina.

“I missed you. Don’t leave me again for that long, damn.”

“Missed you too, hun,” Lina responded, finally letting go of Shawn’s little sister. “How is my favorite girl doing? How’d your one-month go?”

“It was so cute, Lina, oh my god. We went to the drive-in and—”

“You what?!” Shawn broke his silence, quickly moving from where he had been watching from the door. The smile he wore watching the reunion fell immediately and was replaced with a scowl. “And you!” he whipped his head towards his best friend. “You knew!”

Lina shrugged. Shawn huffed.

“No respect in this damn house.”

He brushed past his mom, quickly kissing her head before stalking off to the bathroom. Karen threw Aaliyah an inquisitive look as she entered the living room before rolling her eyes at her son’s dramatics. Finally, she made it to Amelina and enveloped her in a hug.

“Welcome home, love.”

______

Evening found the Mendes clan spread out through the Moreno’s living room in a post-dinner laze. Lina’s parents were in deep conversation with Manny while Karen, Lina, and Shawn grilled Aaliyah about her new relationship, but Lina’s attention was admittedly elsewhere. From where she was sitting, her entire left side pressed against Shawn’s right, she could feel his other leg shaking and his fingers picking at a thread in her jeans – an old habit of his that she had grown used to when they were younger but which felt oddly foreign after months apart. Like hers, his attention seemed split as he was only barely participating in the conversation he was so passionate about just hours earlier. While Aaliyah gave a dramatic retelling of her adorably disastrous first date, Lina turned to Shawn.

“You okay?”

As if the string suddenly stung, his movements froze, and he jerked his hand away. He mashed his lips the way he did when he was deciding whether or not to tell the truth.

“Can we— can we go outside for a bit?”

Lina nodded with some concerned hesitation, following as he stood and pulled her with him. No one seemed to notice or care as they made their way out onto the patio swing where he pulled them both down with a huff. They sat quietly, pushing off against the fire pit in front of them to make the seat swing. Amidst the silence, it was like the words had been punched out of him when Shawn finally spoke.

“Why didn’t you tell me about LA?”

“It’s not a sure thing yet,” Lina mumbled. “I didn’t want to cause a fuss.”

“That’s the shit we’re supposed to talk about though! The not-sure-yet things. The ‘maybe’s and the ‘hopefully’s and the ‘I don’t know’s. I mean, fuck, since when do you avoid causing a fuss with me? Since when am I the last to find out?”

Shawn had sprung out of his seat and was pacing in front of her. Everything he hadn’t said since they were in the kitchen together that afternoon came pouring out between short huffing breaths, and Lina didn’t know what to do except sit still and quiet and listen as her best friend told her everything she already knew.

“I had to find out about Andy through my mom. I had no idea you broke up with her until two weeks later, and by then, I felt like an idiot even asking about it.”

“Shawn, I’m sorry.”

“And we said we’d never go longer than three months. We just doubled that and—”

“I know, and I’m really sorry that I couldn’t—”

“I don’t want you to apologize, Lina, goddammit. I get it. Life happens. I just…” His voice caught in his throat. With a sigh, he fell back into the seat beside her with his eyes closed. His voice was softer when he spoke again.

“I feel like I’m losing my best friend.”

As much as she wanted to reassure him, to flick him on the forehead and ask are you stupid?! she knew he was right. She had felt it too, and she didn’t have the will to lie to him and say that she didn’t.

“It’s not…” she paused, gathering her thoughts. “You aren’t losing me. We’ve just drifted, I guess.”

“That’s almost worse. That’s what adults say.”

“I guess that makes us adults now.”

“I don’t wanna drift, though, Lina,” Shawn admitted in a small voice as her reached for her hand. She let him have it on instinct, and he relaxed just a bit.

A moment of thought spent tracing her thumb over his swallow tattoo bred an idea, and the grin that overtook her face had Shawn confused and a little scared.

“Then we won’t.”

______

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just fly, mija?”

“I’m sure. This will be so much better,” Lina told her dad, beaming as she pulled on the straps of her backpack.

“Ready?” Shawn called out to her as he approached from across the street with his own backpack slung over one shoulder.

Between them was the large white van that would be their home for the next several days. Packed with luggage and pillows and blankets to last them until California and painted with phrases like “ROUTE 66 BABY!” and “SUMMER BREAK 2K19” courtesy of Aaliyah and Luis, it was truly an eyesore. And Lina absolutely loved the sight of it.

“Ready!”

______

A/N: i don’t have an update schedule for this, but i hope to stay somewhat regular. feel free to yell at me if i don’t. i also don’t have a taglist yet but if yall would be interested in that just shoot me an ask! hope you liked it and happy new year!

[slusheeduck]

The Way You Keep Me Guessing: Coco Teacher!AU

@im-fairly-whitty and I are co-authoring this fic for the monster that is the Coco teacher!AU!!

(AU started by @scribblrhob, with inspiration from @upperstories, @hyucktor and SO SO MANY OTHERS AND IT’S A MAGICAL EXPERIENCE FOR ALL.)

Warning: I got creative with formatting and POV in this chapter, so I have no idea how it reads to someone who’s not me. Hopefully you enjoy!!

[Part 1: Unexpected Responsibility] [Part 2: La Directora] [Part 3: Skipping Class] [Part 4: An Unannounced Visit] [Part 5: The Roommate][Part 6: Día de Muertos (Pt. 1)] [Part 6: Día de Muertos (Pt. 2)]

Part 7: A Birthday Livestream

               The tweet goes out late on the 29th. Even so, by 6:45 a.m. the next day, the stream is packed. The cheery little “Stream will start soon!” sign is up, and the chat is already lighting up with thoughts about what the surprise stream’s going to be.

Littlebear119: I bet they’re releasing a new album!

veramaj: then héctor wouldn’t be surprised tho

Littlebear119: Truuuuuueee.

hectorriveraseyelashes: Do…you guys not know what day it is?

veramaj: what?

Littlebear119: It’s Sunday?

hectorriveraseyelashes: omg you guys don’t know lmao. Preciosooooos.

               The chat quickly devolves into “CRUUUUUZ” and “NESTO HI NESTO <3” as the stream switches on. The screen’s fairly dark, but Ernesto’s face is just visible as he whispers to the camera.

               “Hola, Cruzcitos. So I know a lot of you were upset that Héctor couldn’t be there with us on Día de Muertos.”

               There’s a general burst of agreement from the chat.

               “I know, I know.  So, since we couldn’t spend the day with you, I figured you all could spend the day with us.”

               There are several crying-face emojis and “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”s in the chat.

               “And today’s no ordinary day. I’m sure some of you know it’s my amigo Héctor’s birthday today. So, Cruzcitos, we need to start the day off properly.” He switched the camera to face forward as he slowly opened the door. Beneath a heap of blankets, a gangly leg hung off the bed and a lanky arm was slung over a pillow. “Mira mira, here’s our Sleeping Beauty now,” Ernesto whispers as he creeps into the room. “And there’s only one way to wake someone up on their birthday.”

               The chat goes quiet as Ernesto sucks in a deep breath. He pauses when Héctor shifts beneath the blankets. Then, once he goes still…

                                       “ESTAS SON LAS MAÑANITAS                                        QUE CANTABA EL REY DAVID…”

               Héctor flies up off the bed as Ernesto belts “Las Mañanitas” as loud as he can, and immediately a pillow is thrown toward the camera.

               “Tú maldito hijo d—!!”

               “There are children watching this, Héctor!”

               “It is seven in the morning, tú pin—”

               “Cruzcitos, cover your ears!” A sweatshirt collides against the camera; both Ernesto and the chat are dying.

Littlebear119: OMGGGGGGG

musiica-vida: lmao

p0c0l0c0: I CAN’T BREATH OH MY GOD

veramaj: pobre hector but rip cruz

               The camera jostles as a thud that sounds suspiciously like a shoe hitting a wall rings out, and it quickly turns as Ernesto runs out and shuts the door. He switches the camera back to face him, a big grin still on his face.

               “So our Héctor might not be much of a morning person. But our celebration of Héctor’s birthday is just starting; come back around eleven for the next stream.” Ernesto ends the stream with his trademark wink and smile.

Littlebear119: Aw, boo, I can’t come to the next one :’(

p0c0l0c0: Don’t worry someone’ll record it.

hectorriveraseyelashes: I hope poor Héctor gets to sleep a little bit more.

~

               The next stream starts promptly at eleven. Another chorus of “HI NESTO!!!” and “CRUUUUZ” fills the chat, but Ernesto looks none-too-pleased. He lets out a sigh before sending a withering look to the camera.

               “So Cruzcitos, tell me this. What do you think is the best way to spend your birthday?”

               The chat rings in their answers.

hectorriveraseyelashes: Backstage passes to one of your shows.

hectorriveraseyelashes: And getting to pet Héctor’s hair for an hour.

veramaj: a nice dinner with my bf

musiica-vida: UM SORRY WHAT @hectorriveraseyelashes

hectorriveraseyelashes: You heard me.

Cruzita41: I would party ALL DAY!!!

               Ernesto nods at the answers that pour in (He does a double-take at one of them, and the chat is generally certain it’s hectorriveraseyelashes that earned it.), then huffs and shakes his head.

               “See, you all have good ideas on how to spend your birthdays. But Héctor…my friend Héctor decides that the best way to spend his birthday—”

               He turns the camera around, and the punchline of his joke is lost in the chat’s reaction.

musiica-vida: GLASSES?????

Cruzita41: GLASSES!!!!!

veramaj: since when does hector wear glasses?????

p0c0l0c0: GLASSES

musiica-vida: @HÉCTOR PLZ WEAR YOUR GLASSES ALL THE TIME

(hectorriveraseyelashes merely posts several crying faces and prayer hands)

               Héctor is tucked up on the sofa, green pen in hand and thick-framed glasses on his nose as he goes through several papers. Ernesto snorts as the reactions come in.

               “Héctor, look up.”

               Héctor sighs, but does in fact look up. “What?” he asks exasperatedly. (hectorriveraseyelashes floods the chat with various heart, crying, and prayer emojis)

               “Apparently you should wear your glasses more often.”

               “No.”

               (The disappointment in the chat is almost audible.)

               Ernesto sighs. “Sorry, Cruzcitos, but as you can see, Héctor Rivera is a tough man to sway. He won’t wear his glasses, and he spends his birthday grading papers.”

               “Well, they need to be graded by Monday. Do you have to shove that in my face? It’s hard enough reading these kids’ writing without a phone in my face.”

badnugg: omg profe héctor is actually youtube famous

musiica-vida: HE’S YOUR TEACHER??

badnugg: lol yeah

p0c0l0c0: IS HE A GOOD TEACHER???

hectorriveraseyelashes: IS HE HOT WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT MUSIC??

Littlebear119: I’m back!

Littlebear119: WAIT IS HÉCTOR WEARING GLASSES

veramaj: lol u missed a lot bear

               “Hey, Héctor, I think one of your students…” Ernesto trails off as the sound of a door opening comes from a distance. Héctor immediately perks up and smiles off screen.

               “Morning, chamaco. We’re going out for breakfast once I’m finished with these papers.”

musiica-vida: CHAMACO!!!!

p0c0l0c0: HI CHAMACO!!!

 Littlebear119: Who’s Chamaco?

hectorriveraseyelashes: It’s baby Héctor.

Cruzita41: Aww, did he just wake up? Buenos días, chamaco!!

Littlebear119: BABY HÉCTOR??

veramaj: it’s his nephew.

musiica-vida: Preeeetty sure he’s his kid. They look like exactly alike.

hectorriveraseyelashes: They definitely don’t. Also he calls Héctor Tío so checkmate.

Littlebear119: OH!!! HE’S SO CUTE!!!

               “The chat thinks you’re cute, Miguel,” Ernesto says as Miguel walks on-screen. Miguel sends him a surprised look and a shrug.

               “Thanks?”

               “Oyé, what did I say about filming Miguel?” Héctor asks, voice slightly sharp.

               “The kid has his own channel, it’s not like you’re hiding him,” Ernesto brushes off, then focuses the camera on Miguel. “So, Miguel, do you know what day it is?”

               “Uh, Sunday?”

               “Okay, but do you know the date?”

               Miguel presses his lips together, then looks down at Héctor for help. Héctor’s head falls back as he sighs.

               “It’s my birthday. Ernesto’s making it into a…thing.”

               Miguel’s eyes widen. “It’s your birthday?! Why didn’t you say anything?”

               “Because Héctor hates having fun,” Ernesto cuts in. “So Miguel, what do you want to wish your Tío Héctor on this very special day? He’s twenty-seven, you know.”

               Miguel blinks. “Oh. That’s how old you are?”

               Héctor returns to grading. “How old did you think I was?”

               “Super old. Like thirty-five.”

               The snort Héctor lets out is deemed pure and good by the chat.

               “Thirty-five?! Ay, Díos mio, then how old do you think Ernesto is?”

               “Anyway, Cruzcitos,” Ernesto says before Miguel can hazard a guess. “What are some of your wishes for Héctor’s twenty-seventh year on this earth?”

Cruzita41: I hope he has a wonderful year!!

p0c0l0c0: I hope he doesn’t join the 27 club :(

veramaj: what’s that?

Littlebear119: I hope you guys really make it big!! Being a teacher looks so boring

p0c0l0c0: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_Club

p0c0l0c0: Did the link work?

Littlebear119: OH NO :’(

veramaj: HÉCTOR PLEASE DON’T JOIN THAT CLUB

(hectorriveraseyelashes’ wish for Héctor is reported as inappropriate by several members.)

p0c0l0c0: Lashes plz

               “Aw, qué amable! Well, we are trying our best to get more gigs and…”

               Ernesto’s words are ignored, viewers instead focused on Miguel as he climbs onto the arm of the sofa and peeks down at what Héctor’s grading. Several heart emojis flood the chat as they talk too quietly to be heard over Ernesto’s talking. Héctor asks something, Miguel pulls a face, and Héctor laughs as he pulls off his glasses (much to the disappointment of the chat.)

               “All right, all right, I won’t let you starve, chamaco. I’ll bring these with me.” As he stuffs his papers into his backpack, he sends the camera with a withering look. “And if you bring out that—” The chat doesn’t miss the quick glance toward Miguel. “--darn phone while we’re out, Ernesto, I’m throwing it right into the street.”

               “And then you’re paying for it.” The camera switches back to Ernesto, where he gives a dramatic sigh. “Looks like that’s all for now, Cruzcitos.” He glances up as Héctor and Miguel’s voices trail off and a door shuts. He smiles, then adds in a whisper, “Come back around two. We’ll be having another stream then.”

               The screen goes black, and the chat is all abuzz.

Littlebear119: Héctor really doesn’t seem like he wants to do these streams…

p0c0l0c0: It’s part of an act they do. Héctor’s all smiles on whenever he’s on Chamaco’s channel.

Littlebear119: CHAMACO HAS A CHANNEL???

p0c0l0c0: YES AND IT’S THE SWEETEST THING.

p0c0l0c0: My heart grows three times bigger whenever I get a notification from him.

veramaj: yeah héctor’s definitely just playing.

Littlebear119: I hope he is.

hectorriveraseyelashes: I don’t care if he is. I’ll take any excuse to see that man’s beautiful face.

musiica-vida: WE KNOW, LASHES.

~

               The next stream starts without so much as a word from Ernesto. The chat goes quiet as the camera focuses on Héctor and Miguel. Both have their guitars in their lap, and Héctor picks out a simple tune.

               “Okay, no looking. See if you can play what I just did.”

               Miguel starts to pluck out the same tune, but he groans as he messes up a note. “It’s so hard!”

               “I know it’s hard, that’s why we’re practicing. You gotta train those ears just as much as your fingers, chamaco.” He plays the tune again. “All right, una vez más. I bet you’ll get it this time.”

querida9512: Can Héctor Rivera please be my dad?

p0c0l0c0: This is SO CUTE, I can’t handle it. Gracias, Nesto.

Littlebear119: Does Héctor know Ernesto’s filming?

veramaj: probably.

musiica-vida: It doesn’t seem like it, but I’m sure he doesn’t mind.

               A knock sounds out. Héctor doesn’t look up.

               “It’s open! All right, chamaco, play it one more time.” He turns and grins from his place on the floor as a woman pops her head in. “You’re just in time, diosa, Miguel’s just learned a song by ear.”

               The chat is a STREAM of activity.

querida9512: IS THAT THE POCO LOCO LADY???

hectorriveraseyelashes: Um, I am the Poco Loco lady.

Littlebear119: Diosa’s such a pretty name!

badnugg: wait, dire imelda?

querida9512: YOU KNOW HER????

badnugg: I think she’s the directora of my school…

badnugg: omg

badnugg: téodora was right about her and profe héctor

veramaj: she’s so pretty, she can’t work at a school

p0c0l0c0: Héctor works at a school.

veramaj: but she’s actually PRETTY.

p0c0l0c0: ARE YOU SAYING HÉCTOR ISN’T???

hectorriveraseyelashes: The rule in this stream is that we love and respect Héctor Rivera’s beautiful face.

hectorriveraseyelashes: Can we block @veramaj?

veramaj: omg u guys chill out

               Diosa smiles fondly as Miguel picks out the tune, correctly this time. (The chat is full of praise for him.) “Perfecto, Miguel. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you remembered that our reservations are at—” She glances up midway through the sentence, then freezes as her eyes lock onto the camera. She quickly pops her head out and slams the door shut.

               Héctor jumps at the slam, then glances down at Miguel before setting his guitar aside to get to his feet. “Imelda? Imelda!” he calls as he heads to the door and steps outside.

               Miguel’s brow furrows, but he looks up at the camera with a shrug. The camera moves slowly to the door, and the barest bits of conversation can be heard through it.

               “Why didn’t you warn me? I would have texted you.”

               “Warn you about what?”

               “That your roommate was filming.”

               “What? No, he wasn’t.”  

               “Did you not see the way he was holding his phone?”

               “He just does that sometimes.”

               “Well, why don’t you go and ask him?”

               “He wasn’t filming! He knows he has to ask before filming if Miguel’s in the room.”

               “He doesn’t have to ask with you?”

               “It’s different. This is what we make part of our living off of. I’m used to it by now.”

               There was an irritated huff. “I can’t help you there. But you’d better be taking care of that little boy.”

               “I am, Imelda.”

               A thrill goes through the chat as Héctor’s voice, quiet as it is, goes sharp, though everyone quickly quiets as they hear his sigh.

               “I’m sorry. It’s…been a long day. Would you believe I woke up at seven?”

               There’s murmuring outside, but it’s too quiet to be picked up by the mic. What is picked up is the creak of a doorknob and a bitten-off word from Ernesto before the screen quickly goes black.

p0c0l0c0: So…he didn’t ask permission?

Littlebear119: I thought it was off.

dlcswaifu: I’m sure it’s fine. Cruz probably thought Héctor knew.

veramaj: i hope so. i don’t want them to fight.

~

               There’s no announcement when the next stream is, so everyone is pleasantly surprised when they get a notification that Ernesto y Héctor is streaming an hour later. The first thing everyone sees is…

p0c0l0c0: CHAMACO!!!!

Cruzita41: CHAMACOOOOOO

Littlebear119: AAAAA it’s Miguelito!!!!

veramaj: omg look at that precious face.

               Miguel’s brow furrows as he tries to figure out how to best hold the phone, but he grins at everyone’s greetings. “Hola! Cruz let me take over the livestream for a little bit!”

Littlebear119: OH MY GOODNESS HOW PRECIOUS!!!

veramaj: we’ve been blessed today

querida9512: I mean we already knew November 30 was a holy day.

musiica-vida: @hectorriveraseyelashes BE GOOD

p0c0l0c0: @hectorriveraseyelashes BE GOOD

veramaj: @hectorriveraseyelashes BE GOOD

dlcswaifu: @hectorriveraseyelashes BE GOOD

hectorriveraseyelashes: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS SHUT UP

hectorriveraseyelashes: Of course I’ll be good. My future step-son doesn’t need to know how thirsty I am for his tío.

               Miguel’s eyes dart down to the chat, reading the responses before frowning slightly. “Um, I don’t think you can drink my tío.”

               The chat collectively dies.

Littlebear119: So how are you doing, Miguel????

Cruzita41: We saw your practice earlier, you’re so good!!

dlcswaifu: Where’s Cruz???

               Miguel grins brightly as he catches the praise among the questions, then settles back in his seat. “I’m fine. Tío Héctor said that he and Cruz needed to talk for a bit, so Cruz set me up here so I could talk with you all!”

               There’s one comment from quetzalcoatl-kun about how they came for Cruz and not some stupid kid, but it’s quickly drowned out by the wild enthusiasm from other Cruzcitos over how they get to talk to Chamaco.

 musiica-vida: So big fandom question, are you Héctor’s kid or his nephew?

               “Actually, we’re primos! My abuelita is his tía,” Miguel chirps.

dlcswaifu: So do you live with him?

               “I do for now.”

dlcswaifu: Why?

               Miguel opens his mouth, but closes it and swallows hard without answering. The chat is quick to flood him with other questions.

p0c0l0c0: Is your tío a good teacher?

querida9512: You’re a fan of Cruz, too, right? What’s it like living with your YouTube idol?

hectorriveraseyelashes: On a scale of 1-10 how willing would you be to have me be your new tía?

veramaj: have u been to any of their concerts yet?

hectorriveraseyelashes: There hasn’t been a concert with both of them since Chamaco came around.

musiica-vida: Not that we mind! It’s so sweet to see Héctor taking care of his primo <3

veramaj: he could have gone to one before he lived with héctor

Littlebear119: What’s your favorite subject in school, Miguel?

querida9512: And when’s the next update on your channel?

               “Espera, espera, this is a lot!” Miguel laughs, discomfort gone as he scrolls up through the chat. “Tío Héctor’s a really good teacher, even though he keeps making me do boring things like scales. I used to watch Cruz’s videos to figure out how to play better, but now I can just ask him!” He scrolls a little more. “I really like math. Is that weird? Oh! And P.E.! I’m definitely the fastest on my class’s fútbol team.” He shrugs. “And I don’t really know about updates, I—” He stops suddenly, glancing up as a sharp voice comes from somewhere, just loud enough to be picked up over the mic. “I, uh…” He glances back at the phone. “One second.”

               He sets the phone down, livestream still going on. A creaking door is picked up over the mic, and the two voices are a little clearer. Nearly every viewer turns up their volume to max to catch what’s being said.

               “You’re absolutely sure you weren’t filming?”

               “Honestly, Héctor, it’s not like I can do it by accident. You’ve gotten so paranoid since bringing in the kid.”

               “I’m his godfather. I’m supposed to be.” A frustrated sigh. “Look, I’m done, okay? I don’t want anymore filming today. Just let me enjoy my birthday in peace.”

               “We wouldn’t have to do this if you’d come to the Día de Muertos show, you know.”

               “But you couldn’t even ask me before you burst in at seven a.m.?”

               “It wouldn’t have been funny if you knew. And it’s gotten us a stable audience all day.” There’s a beat of silence, then a long sigh. “Look, I’m sorry you’re bothered. I thought you’d be more game for this. Guess I was wrong.”

               “It’s…it’s fine. Just no more filming Miguel unless I know.”

               “I didn’t.”

               “I know, but you might. And if I find that damned iPhone around him I swear…”

               Miguel gives a little gasp, and quick footsteps come back toward the phone before he’s back onscreen.

               “Gotta go! I’ll see you all around!” he says, then quickly ends the livestream.

Littlebear119: So Héctor really didn’t know…

musiica-vida: Did…Ernesto lie to him?

dlcswaifu: He probably didn’t know he was filming.

querida9512: But he just said that he couldn’t do it by accident.

dlcswaifu: I’ve done a lot of dumb things by accident without knowing I could. He’ll probably delete the footage once he realizes.

veramaj: i think it’s scripted. cruz’s done drama things in the past; maybe the views are down.

musiica-vida: Ooh, that’s a good point. I think you’re right.

dlcswaifu: Nothing gets views like a fight and a kid.

Littlebear119: :/ I dunno. I feel weird about this stream.

~

               The last livestream comes late that afternoon. Once again, there’s no notice before the notification goes off on everyone’s phone, and everyone who can manages to pile in to the chat as quickly as possible.

               There’s a general air of confusion as they get a very nice shot of the kitchen.

               “Is it recording now?” Héctor asks off-screen.

               “I can’t see. Is there a red circle?” comes Miguel’s voice. The camera tilts, shifting the view to the ceiling. “Yeah, it’s recording, but you’ve got the wrong camera on.”

               “How do I change it?”

               “You see that camera button? Just tap it.”

               “Just tap—” The camera abruptly switches to selfie-mode, and Héctor’s obviously startled by it. “Ah! Okay! Okay, there we go. Hola!”

               The chat is FULL of heart emojis and !!!!!!!!!!!!!’s.

p0c0l0c0: FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS, HÉCTOR!!!!

musiica-vida: FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS!!!!!!!

Littlebear119: FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS!!!!! <3 <3 <3

(Needless to say, the chat is flooded with “FELIZ CUMPLEAÑOS”es.)

Héctor looks caught off-guard by the response, then laughs. “Gracias, gracias! I’m, ah, I’m not really good with this whole livestreaming thing, but I wanted to thank you all for such wonderful wishes!”

musiica-vida: IT’S NOTHING WE LOVE YOU HÉCTOR <3 <3 <3

hectorriveraseyelashes: That blazer tho…

Littlebear119: We all hope you had a wonderful day!!!!

               “That’s, ah, that’s really all I have to say. I actually have to leave in…” He glances off-camera. “Now. But I wanted to let you all know that I appreciate your…” He trails off as the chat bursts to life again.

hectorriveraseyelashes: GLASSES.

p0c0l0c0: YES PLEASE WEAR YOUR GLASSES.

p0c0l0c0: JUST FOR A SECOND.

musiica-vida: HÉCTOR PLZ. DO IT FOR US.

hectorriveraseyelashes: GLASSESSSSS…

               He sighs as he looks over the chat. “Diosa, look at this.”

               The woman from earlier (“IMELDA!!!” as musiica-vida pointed out), just peeked over Héctor’s shoulder to look at the chat, then tilted her head up with a smirk.

               “See? It’s not just me who thinks you should be able to see.”

               “I can see just fine.”

               “It took you three times to hit the record button,” Miguel pipes up from off-screen.

               “Here.” Imelda looks down as something that sound suspiciously like a glasses case opens, and she holds up the glasses. “You should at least do it for your fans. And for me.”

               Héctor rolls his eyes, but smiles a bit as he leans down slightly so Imelda can slip them on. “Only if you wear your hair down on your birthday.”

               “Deal.” She smiles at him as he stands up straight and pats his cheek. “Muy guapo, cariño.”

               He shakes his head, then looks back at the camera. The chat has devolved into a mess of “SO CUUUUUTE!!!” and “SÍÍÍ MUY GUAPO” and more sparkle emojis and hearts than could be counted. (Save for hectorriveraseyelashes, who floods the chat with crying emojis.)

               “Well, that’s it for today. We really do appreciate your guys’ support, and thanks again for being part of one of the most memorable birthday’s I’ve ever had.” He gives a little wave with his free hand. “Adíos!”

               The video ends, and the chat is beside itself with delight—all the drama from the last stream completely forgotten.

Littlebear119: They’re all so cute I just can’t.

musiica-vida: I KNOOOWWW

hectorriveraseyelashes: I don’t know if I want to KILL Diosa or BE Diosa.

p0c0l0c0: Please choose “be”

hectorriveraseyelashes: FINE.

hectorriveraseyelashes: For now.

hectorriveraseyelashes: Those glasses, tho

dlcswaifu: I’M A CRUZ FANGRIL AND I LOVE THOSE GLASSES???

hectorriveraseyelashes: I found God in those glasses tonight.

badnugg: omg i can’t wait for school tomorrow.

hectorriveraseyelashes: #jealous

veramaj: i’m just so glad that everything’s all right. i knew it couldn’t be a real fight. cruz is way too nice for that.  

As always, thank you so, so much for reading! Wit’s got the next installment, so be sure to check over her way in the next week or so! Also we have tons of headcanons we’re ready to scream about at any given moment, so don’t be shy and come talk to us!

 Also, if you like my screaming-in-written-form and want to indulge my caffeine addiction, feel free to buy me a coffee (or not, of course.)

Thanks once again, and we’ll see you around!

[cyincalangels]

a final goodbye

as a warning, this is going to be all my thoughts and emotions in one long post. a post i never even thought i would have to make. when i first made this page, i wanted to show this to you at a bigger milestone in a relationship, i wasnt sure what that was going to be or when that was going to happen to be honest. but here we are, at our final milestone. parts of me also never really wanted to show or mention this page to you. but in all honesty, this makes it easier for me to recognize and acknowledge what im feeling and being able to come back and see how my feelings and thoughts have grown or may have changed. i read through all the posts ive written to double check if these are even worth showing you. and i still think they are. i still feel the same way in each post ive written. and i think ill always feel the same way, even after you’re no longer a huge role in my life. i was hurting after i read through all the posts because 1. ive never written things about other people like that. i never even write my feelings out like that 2. i always felt at peace almost after writing each post. each post made me more grateful for you. and dont get me wrong, its not like i only wrote these posts when i was happy, i only wrote when i remembered or made time. there should have been waaaay more posts than there really are. so ill try to make it fit in this one. and 3. im scared ill never really be able to feel like this about a person again. or at least want to be vulnerable anytime soon. again, i never really felt this way about someone. so it definitely hurts having to sit here and write this. i hurt because i know this is my fault. i dont need you to accept or validate anything in this post or what ive done and i dont need you to say it wasnt my fault. ive come to terms that a lot of this was caused by my baggage i failed to heal on my own, which eventually ended in me basically neglecting you and taking you for granted. ive honestly had to stop and cry and recollect myself several times in writing this so it may be all over the place. im also really sorry if this is way too much for you and if this is nowhere near how you felt about me.

i can thank you in a million ways for how you have impacted my life in the very short four months ive known and got the chance to experience you. you were the first and only person who really made the effort to want to get to know me and learn about me. its taught me to be vulnerable and be okay with sharing myself and my stories with others. it showed to me that some people actually still care about what made me, me. i think thats what really intrigued me the most about you. you like stories and you wanted to hear mine. and i wanted to share and experience some of my life story with you. but now all i really have of the memories that remind me of you.

you also exposed to me a lot of my own trauma that needs to be fixed. it was a hard and ugly truth i had to accept about myself and still trying to process it all now. you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and realize that youve had enough of all my baggage. that was probably one of the most humbling moments ive had in a long time because i mean yeah, people leave me for reasons, but it didnt affect me like how this did. it really woke me up to realize that i need to stop making excuses for my trauma. i cant just rely on attention to make it go away. maybe because i tried so hard (at least in my head) to do things to make you stay and i forced us to change to make it work. when ive always known that i cant control or force someone or something to stay. thank you for forcing me to want to work on myself. for me now. 

i know i spent a lot of time talking about me and not enough about you. i asked you today and you said you never needed much from me and for some reason, i felt like i failed you. because you did not need much and i couldnt even give that to you. although i kept asking and telling you what i needed and what works for me and i just wanted you to listen, i couldnt even do the same. i wanted change in a relationship its like i wanted to help change you to be better for me but i couldnt even change myself to be the best for you. i didnt want to accept that the change that was needed, was in me instead. i guess you were right when you kept asking if i was ready for you. because now looking back at it all, there is still so much work for me to do. 

i really went through all five stages at grief today. almost all at once. one second ill be okay and productive and really accepting of what i have to do from now on. but it could be seconds later where i think of you and suddenly bust into tears because i can no longer have access to you and no longer have you in my life. i thought to myself, “wow, i didnt think the last time i saw him was really THE last time ill probably ever see him again. ill never be able to hold his hand, hug or big spoon him, rub his back, or even scratch his head again.” all weird little things, but all things that i can never do again. i was more angry and disappointed with myself because my passion and emotions cost me someone i genuinely loved and cared about. it pushed someone away. again. i neglected you and let you slip away. i always had a feeling you’d leave me, i just didnt hope it was so soon. im going to miss you so much. beyond what words can explain. but even though i was upset or needed more when i wasnt physically with you, the second youd pick me up from the airport, all of that went away. being there with you made me forget what even makes me upset in the first place. i always appreciated every moment i got to spend with you. i was never bored. i was never tired of you. i never wished to be anywhere else than with you. 

theres so many things i regret that we couldnt experience together like how we hoped we could. like we couldnt go out anywhere together. you couldnt meet my people, even though they really wanted to. and i couldnt meet your people either. im actually really sad and hurt we couldnt travel or take a trip together. i was really looking forward to it because i know how much it meant for you to travel with your partner. theres so many things i wanted to do with you because i really enjoyed your presence and just wanted to share stories with you. but we couldnt experience a normal part of a relationship because of whats going on in the world. maybe that wouldve changed some things, but also it doesnt matter now. 

i wish i wouldve told you sooner. about how i really felt. not sure if that wouldve changed our situation much and what that would mean. but i never really would have thought i would fall in love with someone through an iphone screen. and i never expected you to feel the same, which may be a reason why i was always too scared to say it out loud to you. just know that i meant every word that i have ever said to you. ill still deadass ride or die for you. still support you. still always be here for you. still be a rock for you while the world is falling apart. still got your back, front, side, whatever you need. still be a call or text away. still be a nike plug if you need more shorts (or clothes and shoes in general). i could never hate you for this or for anything. i know all this is probably super dramatic for the four months ive known you, but i can promise you that this is nothing like ive experienced in a good way. i really do love you, camilo. and i knew for many weeks now. im sorry it had to come out this way. im sorry our story ended a lot sooner than we (mostly i) expected. i promise that ill still stay true to everything ive told you and promise to you that ill go to therapy for myself. please take good care of yourself. of all aspects of yourself please. i hope i can still count on you in the future. i love you. ill always keep praying for you. xoxoxo

ps this took me about two hours to write. and i might write more on here if i ever feel the creative need to release anytime soon, if youre curious to see later.