#sorry for lowkey shinji kinningb /ironic maybe on main but thst show did help me good......

[lord-shitbox]

have been doing some self reflecting on my avoidant personality disorder traits so I feel like rambling somewhere. not diagnosed but I've been told I have traits by a professional and struggled with them for at least a few years

(idk how to add cut on mobile soz)

My experience with it involves projecting my own self hate or negative beliefs about myself onto everyone else. Because I feel like I am insufficient I assume everyone around me believes I am insufficient, and am on guard for anything someone might say or do that affirms this. Because I have strong negative reactions, the smallest action that i believe indicates that I am unwanted, bad at things, etc. will severely impact me, at which point I emotionally shut down and withdraw; if I am not involved in the situation anymore, I will not be hurt. The mortifying ordeal of being known is necessary to reach the gratifying experience of being loved but when it feels like every little step I take is hounded by negative feedback and I am deeply hurt, the prospective experience of being loved is nowhere near as promising as the simple comfort of isolation. When things get especially bad I can't imagine that I won't receive negative feedback and am convinced pain is all that awaits me, so I refuse to engage, at which point the negative impact on my life becomes visible externally. At one really low point when my relationships with my friends were not as good as they are now I took any indication that they disdained or hated a certain aspect of myself (being trans, tbh, bc negative experiences with other ppl in relation to this hurts me especially badly) I had recurringly-themed nightmares from the stress.

The way I've started coping with this is working on being able to believe other people genuinely care for me and learning to genuinely care for myself. Interacting with others in a relatively "safe" way where I try to leave no opportunities for a person to give me negative feedback that I will then take to mean that my innate belief that everyone else hates me like in some part of my heart I hate myself; not sending messages that I think might be hard to reply to, not being overly personal or vulnerable, etc until I can start trusting that person to not hurt me. With a positive relationship and other people caring about me I realized I wasn't all bad and could start to care for myself, but for many people it's the opposite & u have to realize that you are not innately horrible and are capable of being loved before you can feel like anyone really means it.

When I'm not preoccupied with negative beliefs about myself being reflected in every other person I see, I can express myself more fully and live more happily. Of course I still need time to myself and negative comments and experiences can send me sliding back into believing everyone else hates me but by not viewing myself as horribly shameful no matter what, I can be happy with the people I care about.