Lambert and Aiden on the Path Part 2
Here is Part 1
As with part 1, this is when Lambert and Aiden were just building their bond. Please remember that they share one brain cell and mayhem is their natural habitat.
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Aiden, just after they first met: Let’s play a game of whose life sucks the most. I’ll win. I always win.
Lambert: You don’t want to play with me.
Aiden: Oh please, you smell like vanilla and daddy issues. I'll destroy you.
***
Lambert: I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong last night.
Aiden, looking wrecked and stressed: You have no fucking idea. I have to remember never to drink with you again.
***
Aiden: Let’s do something REALLY scary!
Lambert: We could go to bed early and be alone with our thoughts.
Aiden: Aww, come on, let's hug it out.
Lambert: I would rather learn to play the harp.
Aiden: Why do you always turn everything into a sarcastic joke?
Lambert: Generally, it's to avoid confronting the very real and difficult issues that most proper adults have to deal with.
***
Lambert: I need your help.
Aiden: Great, who are we killing?
Lambert: I didn’t say--
Aiden: I don’t do kids, that’s a rule.
Aiden: But the rule is negotiable if the kid’s a dick.
***
Lambert to Aiden: I don't need your inspirational talk. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
***
Aiden: I have resting bitch face. Lambert has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference.
***
Lambert: And what if it doesn't work?
Aiden: Hey, we thought of everything. Except for an alibi and an escape route, but we'll figure it out as we go. You don't wanna overthink these things.
*later*
Aiden: Alright Lambert, you take the 20 guards on the left, I'll take the 20 on the right.
Lambert: Screw you, I'm taking 21.
Aiden: That's the spirit.
Lambert, to guards: Hey guys, how’s your health care plan?
Guards, rushes him: YAAAHHH!!!
Aiden, killing 3 of them with one cut: APPARENTLY, IT’S GREAT!
*later, after killing most of the guards*
Aiden: Hey asshole, what has two broken arms and cries like a bitch?
The last one Guard who can stand: You stupid bitch, you only broke one of my arms!
* Crunch *
Guard: *SHRIEKING*
Lambert, internally, watching Aiden from the side: He gets more beautiful every day.
Lambert, internally, realizes in this exact moment, he’s have feelings for Aiden: Who the fuck authorized this?
***
Lambert: Are you okay?
Aiden: Yes.
Lambert: Are you hurt?
Aiden: No.
Lambert: THEN WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, KNUCKLEHEAD?!
Aiden: I love the way you show that you care.
***
Aiden: Lambert, you mustn't blame yourself.
Lambert: I'm not. I blame you.
Aiden: Ok, I know it's my fault. I made a mistake. I make lots of mistakes. And I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times. So now are you going to help me or are you going to keep on rebuking me?
Lambert: You know very well that I am capable of doing both at the same time.
Aiden: There's no need for sarcasm.
Lambert: I'm not being sarcastic.
Aiden: It's hard to tell sometimes.
***
Lambert: What the fuck happened to your nose?
Aiden: I was using it to break some guy’s fist.
Lambert: You can't be serious.
Aiden: I try not to be, but sometimes it just slips out anyway.
***
Aiden to Lambert: A guy walked up to me and asked if you were my friend. He shook his head and said "I'm so sorry" when I said yes. What the fuck did you do?
***
Aiden: You need someone to take care of you.
Lambert: No, I don't.
Aiden: Everybody does.
Lambert: I told you to stay out of it!
Aiden: Because we are two witchers working together on the Path, and nothing more.
Lambert: Right.
Aiden: Well, I thought long and hard about that, Lambert, and after many, many hours I’ve come to the most wretched of realizations. One that might curdle your very blood.
Aiden: You are my friend.
Aiden: And you can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can't fool me. I know who you are.
Lambert: You don't know shit about me, loser.
Aiden: I know everything about you. I know you play like you're the meanest in the heart but actually you're the most scared of all.
***
Lambert: Wait, be quiet.
Aiden: Did you hear something?
Lambert: No, I just want you to be quiet. It’s like, my body is very attracted to your body, but when you speak my brain gets angry.
Aiden: Oh. So, you wanna fuck?
Lambert: ...
Aiden: I promise that I shut the fuck up.
Lambert:
Lambert: Deal.
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