#incorrect witcher quotes

[patroclusdefencesquad]

can you believe it's actually canon now

[fanby-fckry]

*Jaskier, getting his information taken after being arrested*

Guard: Name?

Jaskier: Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove.

Guard: Sex?

Jaskier: I wasn’t expecting to… But I won’t lie, this whole guard/prisoner thing is pretty hot.

Guard: No, I meant are you a man or a woman?

Jaskier: I’m a bard.

Guard: But what’s in your pants?

Jaskier: Nothing. You took all of my belongings.

Guard: What’s between your legs?

Jaskier:

Geralt: *under his breath* Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it

Jaskier: Your mother!

Geralt: Fuck.

[anya-chalotra]

(insp)

[headcanonthings]

*An Alderman is withholding Geralt's payment* Jaskier: With all due respect  Jaskier: Jaskier: which is none 

[clown-of-rivia]

[amphorographia]

Geralt: What the fuck? The door's been locked from the outside

Yennefer: We seem to be trapped in one of those "can't leave until you have sex" rooms

Jaskier, unlacing his doublet: Okay, no big deal then

Geralt: Wait, uh, the sign says, Welcome to the "can't leave until you are emotionally honest with each other" room

Jaskier:

Yennefer:

Geralt:

Jaskier: We're going to die in here

[fabulousprancingtrashstallion]

Incorrect Witcher Quotes

Yen: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything? Geralt: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital Yen: That wasn’t an ambulance, I drove you. Geralt: but I heard a siren. Yen: That was Jaskier screaming.

[ilikebigants]

New headcannon: most Witchers don't have a lot of sex. The rumour that Witchers are really sexually active was started due to Vesemir's slut era and was solidified due to Geralt's escapades.

Everyone else has depression and can't get it up

[hopefully-helpful-daemon]

Ciri: Do dragons fart fire?

Jaskier: I don't know.

Ciri: I thought you went to college

[mischievous-thunder]

A shopkeeper: So, what's the occasion?

Geralt: I'm looking for something to cheer up the wife.

The shopkeeper, glancing at Yennefer: Why don't I ask the missus?

Yennefer, pointing at a fuming Jaskier in the distance: Do you think our wife is in the mood for a conversation?

[patroclusdefencesquad]

jaskier : i saw you and your wife from across the room and i'd really like to get to know you both better

[fanby-fckry]

Ciri: *sneaks into Kaer Morhen at 2 am*

Geralt: *turns around in swivel chair* Care to tell me where you were?

Ciri: I was... with Yennefer?

Yennefer: *also turns around in a swivel chair* Try again.

Ciri: Jaskier! I meant I was with Jaskier.

Jaskier: *also turns around in a swivel chair* Care to- *keeps spinning*

Jaskier: Geralt, help. I can’t stop the chair.

[jay-arts-t]

He’s got SO MUCH

[headcanonthings]

Vesemir: I can't believe you assassinated the King! Geralt: Well, 'assassinated' implies it was politically motivated. I killed him because he was a dick, so technically I murdered him Vesemir: That's not better!

[yenneferblog]

Totally Correct Yen Quotes™ [#02 / Gossip Girl]

[amphorographia]

*police sirens in the distance*

Geralt, who has done nothing wrong: They're coming for me

Jaskier, currently wanted for pick-pocketing, aggravated assault, identity theft, credit card fraud, and arson: *sipping smoothie* yeah, probably