#sorry i went off i fucking hate musk’s teslas

[identifying-cars-in-posts]

do you have autism? genuine question! what’s your favorite and least favorite car btw?

i absolutely do have autism lmao

i just answered favorite but for least favorite i am a tesla hater for SURE. hate everything they embody. they’re barely cars to me, they’re symbols of capitalist greed and laziness. poorly built, terribly implemented tech, dangerous to everyone around them, and exist purely to fuel the ego of one billionaire manchild who bought his way into the automotive space.

he didn’t even start tesla, he bought it out. used to be a couple guys building essentially kit cars. the first gen tesla roadster is the only tesla i can respect because it was before musk got his hands on the name

[spidercakes]

Starker AU in which all Peter’s friends are really confused about what his ‘new job’ is.

*

“I’ve got it,” Peter says, sparing his friends trying to figure out what the pizza bill will be split four ways. They all frown at him but he goes down to the first floor of the library anyway and pays for the pizza before he brings it back up. Mostly he’s just happy that they can study with food because nothing is worse than trying to balance equations on an empty stomach. Ned, Liz, and MJ frown when they see the boxes because they didn’t watch him order it online so they had no idea he just got them all their own pizzas. If nothing else they’ll have left overs for tomorrow.

“Dude, how the hell can you afford that?” Ned asks.

He can’t, technically, but Tony gave him access to all his accounts and Peter figures if he’s got access he might as well treat his friends. But he can’t tell them that because their relationship isn’t public and there’s like a million reasons why Tony might want to keep it that way and Peter likes the anonymity also so he hasn’t said anything. “Um. I got a new job,” he lies. Actually he quit his job because if he never has to work at McDonald’s again it’ll be too soon. And he’d been so frustrated with shitty customers and his asshole boss that he accidentally told him to mcfuck himself before just walking out. He’d felt instantly bad but also he’s never going back there. Like ever. And thanks to Tony he doesn’t need to.

“Where and are they hiring?” Liz asks, digging through the pizzas to find hers and snatching it. Ned and MJ take that as an invitation to do the same, leaving Peter’s in front of him.

“Oh um. Probably no where you want to work,” he says and changes the subject to their upcoming sociology quiz and they all groan. It’d been the only elective that they could all take together and they all hated it with a passion.

*

Ned watches as Peter all but flees the table at top speeds and yeah, none of them want to study but its still weird behavior. MJ squints as they all look at him, half turned towards the stacks blushing of all things as he talks to whoever on the phone. “Does he even answer the phone for May?” Liz asks and Ned shakes his head.

“Nope. He declines her calls and tells her to text.”

“So who the hell is that?” MJ asks and Ned’s thoughts exactly.

Liz slams her hand on the table, earning a bunch of looks from the people around them and wincing. “Sorry,” she says to no one in particular. “Guys!” she hisses at him and MJ. “He got a new job, suddenly seems flush with cash, is on the phone despite the fact that no one our age talks on the phone, works somewhere I wouldn’t want to. He’s totally a sugar baby!”

Ned and MJ look over at him giggling softly into the phone, cheeks still red and oh my god. “Oh my god he’s a fucking sugar baby. Do you think he sucks old man balls?” he asks, wrinkling his nose.

“Well, he’s on the phone and this dude must have a ton of cash because he’s paid for us to go out for like, the last two months. Boomer for sure,” MJ says.

Liz wrinkles her nose too. “You know what, better him than us,” she says, pulling a slice of pizza from the box and taking a bite. They nod in agreement as Peter comes back over looking weirdly happy considering being a sugar baby has to suck.

“I’ve got to go soon,” he says. “So we should probably make this quick.”

Ned gives him a gentle pat on the shoulder because he appreciates Peter taking one for the team. Peter looks confused, but they’ll let him tell them about being a sugar baby on his own terms.

*

Peter walks in the door and he’s so tired but Tony just got back from Malibu and he’s missed him so he agreed to go over anyway. Tony’s on the couch looking as tired as Peter feels but he reaches out for him anyway, pulling Peter into his lap so he’s straddling him. “Missed you,” Peter murmurs, wrapping his arms around Tony’s neck.

“Missed you too, baby,” he murmurs, hands settling on Peter’s hips as he leans in to kiss Peter. They stay there like that for a few minutes, kissing softly as Peter curls his fingers through Tony’s hair.

Tony pulls back after a moment, grinning. “By the way you’re such a college student. Do you actually spend money on things that aren’t pizza and clubbing?” he asks, dark eyes glittering in amusement.

“Ok first of all we go to pubs because we have taste, okay? And pizza is good. And filling. And its like a nice treat after a long day of studying or classes, leave me be. What’d you expect me to get, a sports car?” he asks and he’s joking but Tony shrugs.

“Kind of, yeah. But I guess with access to more money than you can fathom you end up addicted to Starbucks,” he says like Starbucks isn’t really expensive and a total treat to him normally.

“I like Starbucks,” he says in his own defense. “And the planet is dying, I’m not going to get a car when public transportation is fine,” he says.

“There are environmentally friendly options,” Tony points out and Peter wrinkles his nose.

“I swear to god if you mention Tesla like Elon Musk isn’t like that I will have to go through his Twitter feed to pull receipts on why he’s a shit bag who shouldn’t be supported,” he says and Tony laughs.

“Can’t say I care for Musk. Frankly I’m a little annoyed with people comparing us because first of all my name isn’t you know... fucking heinous. And also if I’m going to be compared to celebrities I always thought I was a bit more like Paris Hilton,” he says and Peter snorts.

“Totally misread but actually pretty nice and surprisingly passionate about the things you care about? Yeah, you guys are comparable,” he says.

“I meant that we’re hot but you know, that too,” Tony says. “But since you insist on mostly gorging yourself on pizza I took the liberty of making sure you’re taken care of and got you an apartment. Something closer to here and school so its less of a travel,” he murmurs.

Peter is grateful, really, but MJ, Liz, and Ned are about to be fucked for rent. “Um,” he says, unsure how to bring that up but Tony’s got a knowing look on his face.

“Want to go see it?” he asks and Peter doesn’t know how to back out so he just nods.

*

Peter almost shits when he sees the place because its fucking gorgeous but that’s more surprising is Liz, Ned, and MJ fighting over who gets the lemon chicken in the fridge. They all turn to face him and their eyes go wide, presumably, because Tony is standing there with his arm around Peter’s waist. “Um,” he says intelligently.

MJ drops the lemon chicken and Liz immediately snatches it off the ground, still safe in its container. Ned just looks stunned. “Your sugar daddy is Tony Stark?” he asks, voice going up.

He swears he can feel Tony’s anger even if he knows Tony isn’t showing it. “I didn’t tell them you were my sugar daddy! I don’t even know where they got that impression!” he says honestly.

Liz squints, “dude, you went from dirt poor and crying about money every other day to funding all our outings, buying us food all the time, and after like two months of avoiding giving us answers you told us you got a new job. It seemed pretty obvious that you’re a sugar baby. No judgement,” she throws out there.

“A job?” Tony asks and Peter lets out a squeak.

“You make money at jobs, I panicked!” he says in his defense.

“Why not just tell them the truth?” Tony asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I didn’t think you wanted to deal with the press and stuff and I get that so I kept it to myself,” Peter says and Tony frowns.

“So... you haven’t said anything because you thought I didn’t want people to know?” he asks.

Peter shrugs, “more or less and I get it, its okay. People will probably say some really nasty things and I can see why you wouldn’t want to-” his words are cut off as Tony draws him in for a kiss. He goes, making a surprised noise but happily leaning into it.

“Baby I thought you didn’t want people to know and I couldn’t figure out why. God, we’re dumb,” he mumbles.

“Does this mean we get to live here now? Because now that I have seen how rich people live I don’t want to go back,” Ned says, earning a snort from Liz. She’s the only one of them that grew up not dirt poor so this probably isn’t that big of a step up for her.

“Obviously. If Peter wasn’t paying his portion of the rent something tells me you wouldn’t be able to afford the place you had,” Tony says and Peter relaxes.

“Oh thank god! I didn’t want to be rude and say no to this place but I wasn’t about to screw my friends over either,” he says, realizing too late that there must have been a reason for them being here. Then he frowns, “wait, how did you guys get here?” he asks.

“Subway,” Ned tells him and MJ rolls her eyes.

“There was a note on the table from a T.S with this address and we assumed it was for you and we all wanted to see what being a sugar baby would get us so we decided to snoop and hope we didn’t find you fucking some old as tits boomer,” MJ says bluntly.

“Also if this was a job its a damn lie that I wouldn’t want a job where I get to sleep with Tony Stark,” Liz tells him.

“I’m so glad I don’t need to feel guilty for the free stuff,” Ned says, hand pressed to his chest. “I was wondering if maybe you decided fuck it and were maxing out a line of credit or something.”

Peter nods. “Hm. Makes sense. So now I’m sexiling all of you because I don’t want to have to worry about being quiet. Get you lemon chicken and go,” Peter tells them.

Ned wrinkles his nose. “Gross, dude.”

MJ snorts, “like you wouldn’t sleep with Tony Stark. Not like that’s a hardship. We might as well pack our shit at home,” she points out.

“Uh huh, whatever you guys need to do. Now out so I can get fucked through my mattress,” he says, grabbing Tony’s hand and dragging him off through the kitchen before he pauses. “Wait, where’s my room?” he asks and Tony laughs.

“Follow me, baby. Glad you liked it,” he murmurs as he pulls Peter along.