#srsly last week a friend i haven’t talked to in forever texted me

[eaterofghosts]

one of my favorite forms of friendship is people asking me things they could have just googled. idk why, half the time i just google it too, but i’m honored they think to ask me first

[maddiicake]

Ramblings of a Madwoman

Because I honestly have no other idea what to title this as. To put it simple, that's what this entire journal is going to be. From start to finish--no stopping to think about whatever f-ed up stuff will be put into written text and to be immortalized for eternity (deleted after or not) here on the World Wide Web--nothing but unedited, freewriting, off topic sidebar-ing throughout the entirety of this Journal. So, we'll see where and how it ends.

In about a month, I'll have been on DeviantART for an entire decade (and about 8 years since Tumblr). And, I just want to make it clear: I've done a shit tone of fucked up things in all the years that I've been here. Of course, this was things that I mainly did to people. (Yes, people, because, let's face it, whether or not we have the comfort of anonymity behind the keyboard in the middle of our "safe space" of the internet, we're still people on the other side of the screens). But, yes, I've done and said fucked up shit to people during me time here. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Nor will I deny any of the messed up stuff that I've done, especially to said people, in the past decade. I'll spare you all the wall of novel-length text that consists of my usual self-deprecating self-flagellation, since you all know the drill by now. Plus, I would hate putting you all to sleep just at the beginning of this Journal.

I'm messed up in the head. Plain and simple.

In my younger years (earlier in the decade, right about when I first appeared on dA), I had something wrong with me--not sure what, but it was definitely something that I, unfortunately, would never fully realize until recently this year. I grew up sheltered in an overly Conservative and Bible-Thumping household. The neighborhood I grew up in was what my parents lovingly called "God's Waiting Room", because of all the old-timers living in the homes. Any kids around were ones that I wasn't allowed to socialize with because my parents didn't want them "influencing" me. So, needless to say, I didn't have much of a social life growing up. I only went to a real school for two and a half years of my life, and, during that time, I stuck out more than a sore thumb (Hell, I didn't even know what a "Cafeteria" was, because the only "Cafeteria" I knew of was the dinner table. So, needless to say, my first time experiencing "lunch" was very awkward). All in all, being sheltered and not having much of a social life when you're still in your single-digits you grow up having this narcissistic know-it-all, controlling, 'I'm better than you', 'I'm the only person in this world and everyone else doesn't exist' personality and you think that you can control everyone else to your every whim. Being put into a real school with other real life people and kids my age was, obviously, a massive culture shock. When you suddenly realize that other people are their own individual person and have their own free will, you start to become aware that you were educated and raised in a world that could be similar to solitary confinement.

"Oh, hey, (Saki's real name). What're you doing?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just trying to think of how I can get all my classmates together for our superhero team so we can go off and fight bad guys in my head, all the while thinking I can bend them to my will as if they're not actually other human beings."

"...Didn't Chris-Chan already do that?"

"Pfft. This is 2005! Chris-Chan won't be a thing for another few years."

Now, my parents weren't perfect. I was their first child, and the first-borns are always the "guinea pigs"  for new parents.  Of course, I never understood that my parents were humans until my 20s. They made mistakes with me, like thinking that not giving their young impressionable daughter a social life through the first crucial years of her childhood was a good idea.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining--that's always the initial reaction people get whenever they read posts like this from me. "Oh, Saki's just starting drama", "Kura just wants attention", "She's cray-cray and needs help, like srsly...". Believe me, I get it, I completely understand why one would think that I sound like I'm complaining. Because you, the reader, are just reading these little pixelated words that look black on your computer monitor/mobile screen. But, in reality, when up close, those pixels are just a collection of RBGs. You interpret what you see through your reading and comprehension of the words before you. Because you're not the author. You merely interpret what you're writing and filling the blanks with guesswork of what the writer is trying to convey through these little pixels making up words.

It's weird, y'know... They say that "hearing voices" is the first step into insanity. But, are you insane if you're fully aware of it? They say that psychos and sociopaths don't admit nor are aware of their disorder because of the narcissism that accompanies it. So... would you still be a psychopath or sociopath if you admit it and/or are aware of it? These are just a handful of the kind of questions that fill he chaotic Hell in my mind when nothing else is going on.

Lately, though, that hasn't been very often. For those of you, who follow me on Tumblr (by the way, if you still follow me there, you must have a lot of tolerance for me), you may have noticed the rather alarming on-and-off episodes I've been having over the past few weeks. Trust me when I tell you that former friends will assure that "This is normal for Saki/Kura. Just stay away from her. She's just a lost cause. You'll only end up hurt associating with her, much less talking to her."

"Saki... the things you have been saying aren't really 'normal'--"

"Oh trust me... this is the Keemster-level of a 'cycle' that she goes through. Why do you think we made her theme song that Keemstar Parody of All Star? LMAO. This is 100% Normal for her."

But, what is normal? 'Normal' is nothing more than a perception of what we're used to: routines, topics, lifestyles--whatever we are used to. When something occurs that is out of our routine, we immediately perceive it as 'abnormal' (or just not normal). Much life me experience, albeit rather brief, time I spent in an actual school. You feel that unnerving unease as the stranger in a foreign land.

Now, what I do and say isn't Healthy, that would be the proper use of the phrase you're trying to portray. But, my diagnosis came far too late. There's no undoing what is done. There's no chance at saving loathsome sinners, the chance they had was the life they had before and the punishment is this. There's no rainbows inside of demons.

People, who view others outside of their little bubble, call those 'abnormal' people "toxic", simply because that person has disturbing psychological issues. It's like: "Ewww! A mud puddle! Gross I can't believe I stepped in that! Now my $200 shoes are ruined forever because of that damn puddle!" Those people are treated as lower than dirt just because their perceived in such a negative light. It's a label those high and mighty ones quickly slap onto those, who can't help the disorders they have. Sometimes those people aren't even aware they have a disorder, yet those prissy princesses still sit with upturned noses and chastise with their prim: "You need help, srsly." with their venomous undertone of "I'm better than you." Is it really fair to be some uppity hoity-toity sociality; sneering through your little rainbow-soap window down below at those loathsome dirty little plebian peasants? Perhaps that may be "normal" for you.

Sometimes--no, actually, often; very often--I just want to pop that bubble. Let that sprinkle of soap sting their eyes as it dribbles into their corneas. Their screams and cries in pain while they lean over the sink to wash them out would be such a delight.

I would go into more detail about other things regarding this, but I'm not dumb enough to freewrite my thoughts out to the point there's incriminating evidence against me.

"...Saki, this Journal is getting a little dark..."

"It's called 'Ramblings of a Madwoman' for a reason. Besides, the little 13-year-old edgelord wannabes on this website get away with far worse. Trust me, I've seen them. Some of them are in their 20s and haven't grown out of that phase. Them going on and getting away with using their boyfriends, who has ties to the dark Web, to get the personal information (mailing address and all) of the people they don't like just so that they can have them killed. You'd be surprised how thin-skinned these little lefties are. 'Someone Disagrees with me?? -cue Mission Impossible montage of tracking that person down and killing them-'."

"But you're talking about killing people!"

"I have said no such thing! At least not put it in writing. What part of 'I'm not dumb enough to post incriminating evidence of myself' did you not understand, my dear?"

Yes... it would be nice to have a peace of mind for once day. It would be amazing to not have to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from another night terror (had one just last night actually). When people want you dead--and have gone out of their way to find your address so that they can kill you--, all you want to do is keep you and your family safe. People can't kill you if they no longer exist, right? It would be just so nice to be able to go on for the rest of my life without having to worry about being sought after and killed just because I disagreed with someone and told them they were being stupid and immature. Or just randomly responding to condescending Twitter users, who think I'm talking about a certain someone when I'm not. But, just knowing that people still continue to go after me for no apparent reason just causes those night terrors to persist.

I just want to keep my family safe. Selfishly, I want to be able to sleep without having to worry about people in other States and Countries somehow knowing where I live and can come and kill me at any moment.

"Why didn't you call the cops--?"

"Because I didn't know it was them at the time it happened. Their former friend didn't tell me about all the plots and things they said in their Discord server until two years later. So, they were able to get away with this because of the Statute of Limitations."

Regardless, that still won't put my mind at ease knowing that they're still out there and can pull the same thing or worse once again. I wasn't the only one they they did this too, either. Of course, that the YouTube Drama Channels for you. They do fucked up shit behind the scenes while putting on some "I'm a good person" face.

You can't trust people, who act nice publicly. They aren't the innocent souls they want everyone to believe that they are. They want something. They want something from you. And when they've squeezed everything out of you that they want... they'll toss you away with no hesitation because they're done using you. Using you to feed their little lambs, whose fleece are white as snow, while they sleep their way to the top.

They want me dead. They've always wanted me dead. They know where I live, and they'll take me out along with the rest of my family. They'll rejoice and be glad of course~ ^u^ "Ding Dong the witch is dead~!" They will sing as they dance together happily in the streets. "Huzzah! Hooray! The monster has been slain. No longer shall she continue to torment us because we have FINALLY killed her~!" They said so themselves: "I'm happy that people told you these things." That was back in 2015 (and I still have the screenshot and the link to the original post)... half a decade ago. Even back then, they wanted me dead. Their party planning for that day is still in preparation. But, they'll immediately set up once that time come when I no longer exist. "...Saki, you're not okay."

This is what happens to people when they've finally Snapped.

But, I want to get better. Don't get me wrong. I don't like that I've become this person. No, I don't believe in change--I don't believe people can change whatsoever. I just want to feel better and not have to worry about these things anymore. But, I know well that things will never be the same. All I can do is continue moving forward and hope and pray that I don't mess up once again and start the cycle all over.

[flameof-tae]

Tag Game

Tagged by @justexistingthroughlife thanks love!!

The last…

drink - Milk

phone call - Prob my best friend idk I don’t call people that much.

text message - Meme pic of Bambam I sent to my mom bc there was no emoji to convey my feelings in the conversation lol so i had to use Bambams face.

song -  Crazy 4 U-Taemin (LISTEN I’M NEVER GOING TO GET TIRED OF THIS ALBUM OK WHY IS IT SO GOOD)

time you cried -prob a few days or maybe a week ago idk man

Have you ever…

dated someone twice - no

kissed someone and regretted it - nope

been cheated on -never

lost someone special - yea

been depressed - pretty sure right now, i’m just too scared to go to talk to a doctor about it lol. 

gotten drunk&thrown up - never

Three favorite colors…

Red, Light pink and black

In the last year have you…

made new friends - yup

laughed until you cried - totally but it only happens like once a year.

found out that someone was talking about me - yup

met someone who changed you - lol does bts count?? no but srsly yes I have met a few.

kissed someone on your facebook list - nope

——

do you have any pets - yea my dog Luigi

do you want to change your name - nah I love my name

what did you do for your last birthday - I went to the beach at night with my sister and parents and we had dinner. 

what time did you wake up -  7:00am wooo

what were you doing at midnight last night - procrastinating studying for chem and scrolling on tumblr.

name something you cant wait for -i ’m hanging out with my best friend today and we haven't hung out in forever. so i’m so excited!!

when was the last time you saw your mom - last night

what are you listening to rn - my chem professor lol. and Rise by Taemin.

have you ever talked to someone named tom - i think so???

something that gets on your nerves - crying children, people who walk slow, loud chewers, people who come to class sick and sniff their nose every 5 seconds, and obnoxious people.

most visited website - my chem homework website *sigh* chem rules my life and i’m not even a chem major.

hair color - dirty blonde/light brown

long or short hair - Long. I’ve never had my hair short/medium length. 

do you have a crush on someone - nope unless we’re talking celebs then i have soooooo many.

what do you like about yourself - My height??? idk man my personality makes me cringe so deff not that.

blood type - no clue

nickname - I only liked to be called Angelina.

relationship status - Single 

zodiac - Aquarius

pronouns - she/her

favorite t.v. shows - The Office and Death Note

tattoos -  nope but i want one, i just don’t know what to get and i’m indecisive so theres that.

right or left handed - right

surgery - nah

sport - i used to play basketball till i broke my hip. And i really enjoyed that so i kinda miss it. But i run on my own now, idk if that counts as a sport or not???

vacation - i went to the beach with my mom and sis for a weekend and few months ago and that was the only vacation i’ve been on in a while.

pair of shoes - i wear my white vans and black chelsea boots the most but i also really love my doc martens, they're just harder to match with stuff.

eating - nothing right now but i’m getting some Japanese food in a few hours :DDD

drinking - nothing right now but most likely water soon bc other than milk in the morning i only drink water.

im about to - typing this and then my math homework.

waiting for - class to start and then end soon so i CaN lEaVE tHiS plACe.

want - literally all i asked for Christmas this year is kpop merch and i don’t regret a thing. Also i want some motivation in life, that too.

get married - i don’t really want to get married tbh. unless its to Jiyong lol, id do anything for him.

career - eh my dream is to be an astronaut so i’m studying engineering but i hate it???? So i might switch. The only other thing i’m passionate about is learning languages and i’m not sure what i would want to do with that so i’m just a lost child right now someone help.

Which is better?

hugs or kisses -both. at the same time. cuddle kisses. make this a thing.

lips or eyes - eyes

shorter or taller - taller. unless its Jiyong. again id do anything for him. 

older or younger - no preference.

nice arms or stomach - no preference again.

hook up or relationship - right now in my stage of life id prob prefer a hook up but i’m sure that’ll change soon when i find time and get over my fear of commitment. 

troublemaker or hesitant - troublemaker

Have you…

kissed a stranger -no

drunken hard liquor -no

lost glasses/contact lenses - i,m sure I've dropped contact lenses before

turned someone down -  oh yeah

sex on the first date - nope

broken someones heart - nope

had a broken heart -no

been arrested - no

cried when someone died - yeah 

fallen for a friend - nope

Do you believe in…

yourself - eh working on it

miracles - yup

love at first sight -  nope, UnLEsS ItS JiYOnG.

santa claus - hahaha i wish i miss those days.

kiss on the first date - if its not my first time ever meeting them, then sure why not.

tagging: all my followers lol this was long and i’m lazy.