#star trek crack

[popspocket]

I just sat up out of bed in a cold sweat to write this:

A Vulcan musician named T’Pain.

He wasn’t overly successful back home, but he’s big on Earth.

[coolgenie]

Kirk’s dubious driving skills being consistent across series 😂🙌

TOS 1x28

SNW 2x03

[star-trek-shallot]

The USS Enterprise Crew at a Boba Tea Shop

Kirk: Orders an Oreo smoothie with boba. Makes a fool of himself trying to get the straw through the cap but otherwise does okay for himself.

Spock: Orders Chai milk tea with boba. Between Vulcan strength and pent-up frustration, he stabs the straw through the cap so hard he explodes his drink and they have to make him a new one. Does not acknowledge that this happened.

Bones: Would die before consuming boba. Mostly along to make sure nobody chokes.

Scotty: Tries some sort of coffee-flavored drink with like, grass jelly or something, just because it sounds adventurous. Predictably, this flavor profile Does Not Work.

Sulu: Is the one who suggested they go to the boba place to begin with. Orders an original brown sugar green tea with boba. The epitome of boba-consuming elegance, 10/10.

Uhura: Orders something floral, like rosehip milk tea with some sort of jelly. She gets a weird look from the server, but she's had this combo before and is confident in her decision. Also 10/10 boba-consuming elegance.

Chekov: Copies Sulu's order because he's never done this before. Inhales like six boba balls and does a spit-take on the first drink, despite being warned multiple times.

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

Star trek tos au where everything is the exact same except when Bones and Spock argue, it starts with Spock being a little shit to Bones and getting on Bones's last nerve just like in canon, except here Bones has enough and just TACKLES Spock, trying to strangle him, and the two are on the floor with Bones attempting to murder Spock and Spock immediately screaming bloody murder and yelling at Jim to save him and that the doctor is going to kill him and acting like the biggest victim ever (even though he instigated the whole thing by deliberately making a snide little comment) and he doesn't even try to save himself or fight back, he just screams for help, and Jim is just so tired and he just grabs a huge bottle of water and chucks it all over the two which makes separate at once. They're both sent to their rooms and forbidden from interacting.

This happens several times a week. Jim's genuinely considering renaming the Enterprise the Daycare.

[rickybutlersays]

spot the difference games are getting harder and harder these days

[theshadowrealmitself]

Yeah yeah yeah pre-Surak is like old as hell times but personally I like to imagine people were beating the shit out of each other in grocery stores abd calling out of work for a week after watching a sad movie because they’re now sobbing too much to come in and this dude was just like “hey this isn’t sustainable let’s use common sense yeah?” and everyone collectively lost their minds and immediately cut their hair into bowl cuts

[marlinswritingarchive]

A Strategic Betrothal

Rating: Gen

Summary: Kirk won't stop getting married.

"Whoa!" Rand laughs as she looks around the ready room. "What happened here?"

  "The Captain... Got married again," Spock says, calmly. The table between them is littered with cards and gifts: a heart-shaped box of chocolates from Uhura, a spare command shirt from Checkhov, and an Iridenian cactus from Sulu; lime green and ready to impale anyone who comes too close to it. Jim pushes the pot aside gingerly.

  "Yes, well-" Jim eyes the plant as it snarls softly "- This is the third time. That's got to count for something, right?"

  Rand clicks her tongue, and reaches for her PADD. "I don't see any of this in the report."

  "Well, you have to know what to look for."

  She frowns. "'Established contact with the locals. They agreed to further talks, conditionally.'" She raises an eyebrow. "Really, Captain?"

  "Well, their approach to marriage is less flexible than ours-"

  "And if it hadn't been?" Rand taps the PADD, and sags. "'Conditions that, once met, increased negotiations speed tenfold'?! Had you any idea, going in, that it would be safe, or was this another gamble?"

  "Uhura Okay-ed it! And the entire xenobiology department."

  Spock raises an eyebrow.

  "Aside from Spock," Jim concedes.

  "So, Mr Sulu, and Mr Aorta?" Janice muses. "The same people who 'okayed' your previous marriages?"

  "- Strategic betrothals," Jim insists. "Marriages were used to strengthen alliances between nations all the time in the past. Why not between planets?"

  She purses her lips. "It's bad optics."

  He leans forwards. "What is?"

  She slides the PADD to him. "You spending the night on Theramin Major."

  "Hey! I didn't put that in the rep-" Jim straightens up, and narrows his eyes at Spock. "-port."

  Janice takes the PADD back. "No; Ambassador Withrey did."

  "Oh." Jim smooths his expression into the kind of smile you'd give a cat, and Spock blinks at him slowly. All is forgiven, he assumes. He looks back at Rand. "You can't deny that it got results." He glances at Spock for support, but his first officer tilts his head.

  "Captain, I must agree-"

  "Oh no."

  "- Your actions on the planet did place yourself in direct danger."

  "Ah, but: consider this! It worked."

  His head tilts to the other side, then straightens. "Yes."

  "Besides," Jim strategically offers Rand a chocolate, "What was I supposed to say? That I was already married?"

  Rand sputters. "Well, you were! Twice."

  "Marriages which were both annulled by an experienced Starfleet negotiator-"

  "- Who will have to be sent, yet again, to try and clean up your mess."

  Jim bats his eyes at her innocently, and lifts the box ever so slightly higher. "I've tried lying before- all that business on Rendell II- and it just doesn't work. They asked me about my spouse, and I couldn't very well pretend to have an imaginary wife."

  "Then you need to come up with a believable backstory, because you're walking a very thin line around some very well-defined Starfleet Directives."

  "I'm sorry, Rand," Jim says, in the tone which always seems to work on Bones, as he bats his eyelashes. "Could you please help me annul this marriage?"

  Rand looks to the ceiling, then begins to type on the PADD. "Alright. I'll call Mx Mendelsojn. But you're not out of the woods yet- they're still trying to rescue Ambassador Withrey from the planet Ghrintel V."

  "Oh, who did he marry? The grand vizier?"

  "The planet, Jim." She pinches her nose. "The whole damned planet." Then, she turns on her heel, and disappears behind the automatic door.

  "A whole planet." Jim leans against the desk, and eyes the Iridenian cactus thoughtfully. "I should send flowers."

  The cactus grumbles softly.

[fratboychekov]

star trek tos crackvid (+ spirk)

[wuxiaphoenix]

For Fun: Who Shot First?

Okay, people, here’s a thought experiment. Somewhere, somehow, there’s been a massive multidimensional cross-rip and a Star Wars stormtrooper ends up in a shootout with a Star Trek redshirt. Who survives?

Stormtrooper: Canonically weak-minded. May be vulnerable to distracting shouts of, “Hey! Are those the droids you’re looking for?”

Redshirt: Canonically unlucky against lethal aliens. Do stormtroopers count as alien?

Stormtrooper: Trained in marksmanship by the Imperial Academy, which seems to mean “good aim unless you’re shooting a main character or something fuzzy.” Alas for our poor redshirt, he or she is likely not fuzzy.

Redshirt: Trained by Starfleet, which tends to result in good aim except against man-eating monsters. The stormtrooper should be fair game.

Stormtrooper: Armed with a blaster that can be set to stun.

Redshirt: Armed with a phaser, but ditto.

Stormtrooper: Has armor, which may or may not help against phasers.

Redshirt: Does not. Better dodge.

Stormtrooper: Usually comes in patrols of at least two. Either backup’s nearby or he’s twitchy because it’s not.

Redshirt: Number varies; may be a lone guard or separated from a larger away mission. In which case they’ll also be distracted.

Stormtrooper: Usually in stark white armor with black accents, will have a hard time taking advantage of camouflage.

Redshirt: Well. The name says it all.

On the surface, it would seem these two opponents are fairly evenly matched. I’m sure true Trekkers or denizens of the Expanded Universe can come up with a multitude of reasons as to why this is not actually so. Make your case! State your evidence! Who survives?

Or as we might say... who shot first?

[queenmeriadoc]

Ensign Merry Sol talking to Brad Boimler about the future: I'm going to die horrible aren't I? Brad Boimler: I can't say. Ensign Merry Sol: So that's a yes.

[vildo]

gay people never flirt normally it's always gotta be shit like this

[curator-on-ao3]

I love that SNW hyposprays can be delivered

to the shoulder (like in TOS)

or to the neck (like in TNG).

Therefore implying possible health care provider choice for hypospray placement and methodology … which makes this even funnier:

[wrinkleintime]

enterprise text posts: featuring t'pol my beloved <3

+ BONUS

was a toss up on which screencap to use for girls night! so you get BOTH. ft. archer hanging with the girlies in the labyrinthine catacombs beneath the city <3

[diesoonandsuffer]

some of my favorite funny spirk moments from the original series. subtitles included. enjoy!

[vaguely-concerned]

emergency council in the one braincell queer group chat when you uncharacteristically fumble a bad bitch

[brinkle-brackle]

good morning star trek community