#starting to accept those compliments at face value and not convince myself the readers don't know it but im actually terrible
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growing up is just being embarrassed of your younger selves again and again until you aren't <3
#aw man i was so ashamed of the things i wrote when i was younger. like i grew a little older and put them under anon on ao3#but now i just#that was just a kid exploring writing yk? and i see so much of my world back then reflected in it. the little ways i tried to#heal and process and make myself happy with the writing. even when i didnt realise it at that time.#i gave myself cringe neurodivergent rep in a normal school and a safe family and explored queerness and stimming i.#and i was just an itty bitty kid! dipping my toes in the water!! see if it was warm!!#and i know it was so hard to sift through myself in an unsafe place like that but i still tried. i was such a good kid and so brave.#and i did it so well too. i just... im so sorry for my slightly older versions hating the previous ones.#it's literally a kid how could you hate someone like that? i was fundamentally good. i wish i could go back and tell myself that.#with like the certainty i have now. i spent so much time thinking i wasn't a good person for the things i didnt do.#i wonder if future me thinks of me similarly. probably. like objectively.#ignore my occasional ramblings mutuals this is practically the only place i feel safe enough to like talk through things. like a diary.#anyway i think my imaginary therapist would be proud of me tonight#reading through comments of the things i wrote when i was thirteen and i dont hate it anymore and im finally like.#starting to accept those compliments at face value and not convince myself the readers don't know it but im actually terrible#ahh this is a really great feeling peeps.#5/5 will recommend
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