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vacantgodling · 8 days

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I figured I should send you an ask instead of spamming your notifications: I saw the word "cyberwestern" and almost lost my entire mind. Graves and Dove are so interesting. Can I get an infodump on the project? What inspired it and how it's coming along, etc. The more details you can give on What Their Fucking Problem Is, the better. Thank you :>

honestly i am totally down with notif spam so if you still want to after i talk your ear off, HAVE AT IT :DD

so i did kinda do a mini info dump centering around graves like 20 minutes ago -> here but i figure a more... organized answer should be in order!

inspiration

what inspired the graves we dug is currently hard for me to remember. i think i mainly just wanted cowboy ocs? and one of my friends (@/nonsensical-pendulum) has an oc named 'graves' and the name sort of got stuck in my head because i thought it was Cool. and then, for once (this is a rarity for me) the title came pretty quickly after the graves we dug. and i didn't know what it was about for a bit, just that there were cowboys, a mc named graves, and they were digging holes... apparently. and then slowly from there things started to fall into place. unlike a lot of my other wips i feel like tgwd has a bit of a hard to pinpoint starting point, but i also think that's bc a lot of the stuff i had relating to its origins began on the blog i used to have in 2021, but then i deleted it entirely so all of that is lost now LOL

when it came to making it a cyberwestern itself, honestly i saw some cyberwestern style art with cowboys in citypop color schemes and i was like YEAHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHH. so i thought it'd be cool to go cyber instead of a traditional western lol.

how its going

so i'mma be straight up, tgwd is on my secondary wips bracket. if you look at my big ol wip list here it kinda breaks it all down, but those on my secondary list are ones where i enjoy working on them but they just don't have the same level of brainrot status as those at the top of my mind--namely paramour and btaf have taken those spots in the past couple of years. so usually how it goes with any of my secondary wips is i'll just be vibing, suddenly think about an aspect of it, think about it for a bit and then perhaps have a bit of a frenzy where i build on it, and then i end up deflecting back to my major ideals lol. so rn (at least for the past hour) i've been thinking about tgwd and getting asks is kinda an excuse to keep focus and work on it. i'll probably end up defecting back to my usual haunts in a few days.

THIS BEING SAID i have written some things for it which i shall get into momentarily

but what's going on?

so basically here's a mini timeline/play by play of what's happening that leads up to the beginning of the wip

firstly, the land is kind of a perpetual night; the sun on this world (haven't decided if its another planet or smthn yet) is pretty dim and so cities and fluorescent lights are the main lightsources of the world. there is also an 'artificial moon' but tbh idk what that means rn.

GRAVES in his early 20s leaves the ranch where he grew up to make a life for himself in the closest city called Rapture. Rapture is a city of glitz and glamor, run by crime lords and greed. he ends up entering "the organization" (it doesn't have a name yet) as an armed hire and gets hired out on different hits by different vendors to do their bidding (which is usually taking out their grudges on other crime lords. the organization has a strict neutrality policy that most everyone respects--if you have enough money for a hit, it'll be done, or you better hire some better guards).

to aid in the ever growing violence in the city, somehow someway the organization develops a special ops unit for their largest jobs, which includes an injection of a serum which manifests certain abilities in their best agents. graves, and his new acquaintance TOMB become some of the first to experience the serum, and this ends with graves gaining a black glow around his feet and an ability to walk silently and through solid objects, and tomb gaining an ability where his mouth glows orange (i haven't decided what it is, but i do know unlike graves or dove, he can't turn his ability off).

the two do solo jobs for awhile, until the organization decides that they need mentors to train new recruits that use the serum and this is how graves ends up meeting DOVE--a former opera star who's ability glows green centered around his eyes. they sort of hit it off immediately, and though tomb warns graves about getting too attached but graves can't really help it. he and dove get. attached.

a few years like this go by, and then the organization gets a huge hit--to take place at one of the biggest centers of crime, a club modeled like an old state building called The Rome, towards the epicenter of Rapture. the organization puts its best agents: graves and tomb, and their two rapidly trustworthy mentees: dove and dawn (tomb's mentee). the situation quickly goes south when their plot for assassination is discovered, and in an effort to save the mission, graves makes well--a grave mistake, and ends up trying to take down the target. unfortunately, the shot misses and ends up hitting dove instead. an explosion goes off afterward, and tomb and graves barely escape with their lives. dawn and dove are presumed dead.

while tomb compartmentalizes and continues on with his work, graves breaks down. and in his grief, he decides to defect from the organization without getting permission first. (after the mission at the rome, graves and dove did get permission to retire, but since the job wasn't done they aren't allowed to leave) since he was also pretty high up, he also has trade secrets and they couldn't just let him go and be a loose canon like that. its easier that if he's not going to comply, that he be dead--and so they send the one person who can catch him after him: tomb. tomb's taking his time, but he's also doing what has to be done.

the whole thing however turns upside down again when dove comes "back" from the grave. he's alive! very much not dead! and from what i'm comfortable sharing at the moment is yes, he was harmed by what happened but he's still very much alive and is ready to make good on their promise: to retire. and if he has to drag graves into making it happen then so be it.

what's written thus far

the official chapter 1 -> the start of the rapture

beginning of chapter 2 -> you're supposed to be dead

i want what you want (or they try talking about it, doesn't work, sleep together to create more problems instead)

do you trust me? (or, dove lets out some of his aggression at a very kicked puppy graves LMAO)

and yeah -- i think that's the most info i got right now! there's a lot of stuff i got to figure out an outline as well. BUT yeah i hope this was helpful :3c

#s: the graves we dug #this is the best summary and intro i've done for it thus far lol #most of this shit has been kept in my brain for a bit

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xiapxls · 5 months

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Hey so it's been a while again, and that's because I just don't know what to do with this blog anymore. It's been so long, and we've had so many game updates, and we've had some tumblr updates, too, it's been really hard to get back into things. The thought of just deleting everything and starting fresh also won't leave me alone, no matter how many times I decide I'm not going to do that, it just keeps coming back. I just feel like all my saves are a mess and this blog is a mess. I haven't updated this blog in ages, I don't like the way I've organized things, and there's some stuff in game I also wished I'd done differently.

But I do actually like my saves so I don't want to complete get rid of them. So when I say 'delete everything and start fresh' I actually mean I would like to reboot them. The 100 baby challenge especially, but also SuperValerie. Though I kinda dread the idea of starting that over bc I've already done so much and the thought of doing it all over again is kind of a lot, I still kinda want to do it.

I also feel kinda shitty thinking about doing this after I just did the bachelorette challenge and got some amazing sims from members of the community. I know community challenges like bcs end up getting canceled and going nowhere all the time here, but still. I feel bad about it. Now I also know the common advice is just don't worry about it, just do what you want, this is just a hobby after all, but the problem is I just don't know what it is I want. I keep going back and forth between continuing where I left off and starting over, but I genuinely don't know if starting over is what I really want or if I'm just obsessing over some minor things that don't matter and I should just keep going.

That said, if I do end up going down the reboot road, I probably wouldn't delete anything on this blog bc I personally don't like it when simblrs actually do that. What I would do is probably make a new blog and keep this one around as an archive.

So, yeah, that's where I'm at right now. I'll be back when I figure this shit out, though I have no idea when that'll be. I suppose at some point I might try starting a little SuperValerie reboot and seeing whether I like it or not. I'll let you know how it goes. Whatever happens I won't just disappear and delete everything without warning, that I can promise you.

TL;DR I'm considering rebooting my saves. I'll let you know what I've decided when I've decided.

#xia rambles #if you read all that congrats and thank you i know it was a lot #i'm just having a lot of thoughts i've been thinking about this so many times for so long #i just don't know what to do anymore

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unforth · 1 year

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Alright instead of rageposting about white people perpetuating racism problems in cnovel/cdrama fandoms I've channeled my feels into cleaning up some shit I've been doing a bad job at maintaining and feeling horribly guilty about for months or even years. This is probably a healthier use of my current "fuck it." So, for reference, I've:

deleted the kink meme part of the DMBJ kink meme on AO3. This means that the prompts and sign ups and claims are now gone (I'm sorry I didn't give people time to save their prompts, but the reason I didn't do this months ago was that it had many steps and I was being useless about DOING those steps and as I said in the intro paragraph, I'm now at "fuck it" and like. if I can't do it "the right way" I'm today just breaking and doing it "the wrong way" and here we are). The collection and the ten stories in it still exists and anonymity and such are still maintained for people who wanted it, but new prompts and new fills cannot be submitted.

ditto the above for the kink meme part of the SPN kink meme on AO3. The prompts and sign ups and claims are now gone. I also removed myself administrating the Tumblr, though the other two people involved (fpwoper and envydean) do still have access. I realized belatedly that I really should have offered to just leave and let them have it but, again, today is apparently "fuck it" day which means I'm not thinking through the ramifications of my actions which has resulted in some bad fandom citizenry behavior on my part, and again, I truly do apologize. (I've offered to help them reconstruct the challenge part if either of them wants to run it; fpwoper has already said no, I'll see what envydean says and I'll apologize profusely even more and do what I can do fix things if envydean DOES want to take over and make it active again). The collection and the stories written for it still exist; that's about 40 works. Thanks to everyone who participated.

I left @saawek's Star of Solitude event, which I helped run a year and a half ago. Saawek hasn't really been active on Tumblr, but hun if you see this it's nothing at all about you or TGCF I'm just pulling back from things that even seeing them in my blog list has been causing me stress on the daily.

I formally announced that I'll be consolidating @zhenhunartreblogs and @dmbjartreblogs in @cnovelartreblogs, and I've posted to that effect in all three blogs. If you want Zhenhun/Guardian and DMBJ art content from my sideblogs, unfollow the old blogs and follow at cnovelartreblogs, and just black list fandoms you're not interested in - that's the whole reason I tag everything.

I deleted another side blog I haven't been using.

I'm considering deleting @memesforwriters, which I only update maybe once a month, and honestly just typing all this up has I think tipped me over into "fuck it" and I'm going to delete that too. I expect I'll instead reblog relevant memes to the @duckprintspress account, since I have to maintain that regardless.

My last remaining completely inactive Tumblr sideblog is where I'd posted on translated chapter the 2ha manhua. I really would like to be doing more work like that, though hell if I know when I'll have time; I renamed that blog to @unforthfantranslations, and I have vague hopes to translate more of 2ha and to tackle Lie Huo Jiao Chou (which I've never read any version of and would like to). But tbh I probably won't manage any progress on any of that until the fall.

Nothing like a pile of grief to make me say "I'm done feeling guilty about this stuff, like is too short, fuck it I'm gonna make these changes I've been waffling about for ages."

P. S. I opened another window to check how exactly I'd renamed the translation blog and while I had it opened I decided on a compromise with memesforwriters, which is that I'm exporting it, and THEN I'll delete it. And I DMed the Destiel Harlequin mods that I'm done and think we should shut it down. And I spotted a couple Discord servers I'm going to leave.

So yeah. that's the mood today in a (rather large and overly wordy) nutshell.

Apparently when I said yesterday that I'd be quiet, I failed to take into account how I ACTUALLY process grief. In my defense, this is only the...fourth?...time someone I really care about has died in my entire life. (counts of...Arthur, Gil, my grandfather, yeah that's three...of course other people I've cared about have died but no one who I loved and who I felt "I wish I had more time with this person." Like...I wish I'd had more time with Belle but I didn't love her...yeah I'm just babbling now I'm sorry I'm like this today.)

ETA: okay I just left like 6 Discord servers I haven't been using, too. There's only one I'm still like "maybe I shouldn't..." but I know a lot of people in that server and if I really want back in I can ask for invite.

#unforth rambles #and rambles and rambles and rambles #oops

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treadmilltreats · 2 months

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I challenge you to become better

Yesterday morning, while I was getting dressed, I heard Marvin Gaye's song "What's going on…

It goes on to say:

"Father, father

We don't need to escalate

You see, war is not the answer

For only love can conquer hate.

You know we've got to find a way to bring some lovin' here today, oh oh oh oh

Picket lines and picket signs

Don't punish me with brutality

Talk to me so you can see

Oh, what's going on? "

I started to cry because I remember this song in the late 60s, and here we are in 2024, still dealing with these same issues. I am so sad. I am sad for the world we are living in, for a world that I will be leaving for my girls.

I am sad that we haven't learned anything in 50 years.

I am sad because why can't we see that we are all human beings and we all should have the same rights.

I am sad because we all bleed the same color. We all want a better life for our children and that we are all God's children.

But I realized that I can only change my part in this. I am only in control of what I say and what I post. So I asked myself what do I want my girls to hear me say, what do I want my readers to hear from me?

I don't want to be part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution. So how can I do that? I prayed because I needed to find the answer, and it came to me, I realized that the song is it…. Only love can conquer hate…

Only love can conquer hate…

So I have decided from here on out that I will only post about the good stuff, acts of kindness, compassion, and love.

And I challenge all of you…

I know so many of you have done stupid challenges in the past, but this one can change the world.

Let's flood social media with this, people helping people, all races united, random acts of kindness.

Let's put out pictures of people standing together. Police officers doing good deeds, children of all races playing together just like in Martin Luther King's dream.

I will no longer be part of the problem. I will not keep pushing hatred on to one another. I will no longer finger point. Instead, I will love. I will not delete the bigots and racists I've realized I know, some of which are my own family members. No, I will keep them on my social media pages so that they can see what love looks like and what true compassion for another human being feels like.

I will not argue when others call me names, I will just keep flooding my pages with love.

Now some of you might laugh and say what's going to change… your one person, that's nothing.

So I will kindly remind you that Rosa Parks was one person, that Martin Luther King was one person and the countless others that were alone in the fight for righteousness, and yet they changed the world.

So today, my friends, I challenge you to make a difference, to change, to love, not hate. I will leave you with this, these amazing words of change from people who have done it.

Compassion is the radicalism of our time.–

The Dalai Lama

In a gentle way, you can shake the world.–

Mahatma Gandhi

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.– Martin Luther King Jr.

Let us remember: One book, one pen, one child, and one teacher can change the world.– Malala Yousafzai

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.– Margaret Mead

And like I always tell you at the end of every blog..."Be the change you want to see,"

@TreadmillTreats. Check out my daily blogs @ https://treadmilltreats.blogspot.com/?m=1

Www.treadmilltreats.com

**Now released my latest book**

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spookaorionart · 1 year

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The thing I don't like. And I'd figured out a way to manage this for a while, but now I largely just don't use social media At All.

Is. That, in order to keep up with most of my friends, or acquaintances, or people i know, I need to be using 3 or 4 or more social media platforms regularly. And if I Don't do that, I'm left in the dark about everyone's lives.

But if I DO decide to use social medias, they eat my data, they eat my time, they eat my motivation, etc. There's not one out there right now I personally can use and come away with the same level of energy I had when I went in; I'm always drained or upset or angry. Which, I know is what the apps are generally designed for, I just can't deal with it. I (and most people I think!) have a lot of very upsetting stuff happening constantly in my daily life, and when my "catching up with friends/socializing" replacement time is only adding to that... it really deincentivises it for me.

So I can't bring myself to use much social media right now and it's interesting and upsetting just how much of my friends' lives I'm missing.

I'm also having Worse Health Issues Than Normal, so I'm unable to be as present as I'd like in general. I'm extraordinarily flaky. That is probably contributing to this feeling. But I also know that I was feeling a sense of... drifting? As soon as I stopped using social media (specifically x lmao). I still check in on Instagram sometimes, but it's overwhelming and puts a bad taste in my mouth. Here... I can't get the hang of it, lol. It's also overwhelming, and I don't understand it. Mastodon made me want to cry just trying to sign up, and any of the newer platforms... idk it's all messy and I'm tired.

Is this how you guys felt about MySpace? I was too young for that, I thought my cousin who made an acct before he was 14 was gonna go to jail.

Is this platform even for personal stuff/blogging? Everyone says you can't use it wrong but I'm pretty sure that you can lol; the number of long form sad boy posts like this I've written out and then deleted bc I'm pretty sure this place is just for memes and art and fandom, and also nobody should know your feelings on the internet, as a rule.

Though, this is all just Me Problems. If you read it... now you know I guess. I can't draw right now because I can't hold a pen/whatever else (I'm having nerve problems and problems controlling my body correctly? I think?) so I won't be posting any time soon. I can't hold a phone for very long because my hands don't work right now, and neither do my eyes, so I haven't looked at anyone's posts or anything. I'm sleeping a lot. Forget about using a computer lmao.

There wasn't really a point to this, other than... I miss people. I haven't been able to meaningfully leave the house regularly since I got sick in 2020. And now I can't find a way to interact online either. It's very lonely. Hopefully I will figure something out, but I do still love my friends, even though I am not showing it very well right now.

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overanalyst556 · 1 year

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Announcement!

Hello, I wasn't expecting to make this today. I was originally going to do this tomorrow but due to some issues, I have instead decided to do this today.

As for those of you that have not seen the posts, I have been considering leaving Tumblr due to the chaos that was happening in the community. But while I have come to a decision, I guess I Should explain the reasons why 'm doing this.

First is my content. Now I understand that people are busy right now and that's fine, I'm not forcing you to like my content, But I just wish someone would give it a shot and check my essay on which I spend hours on it. The first History related thing I ever did, The Black Death essay got 9 notes while the Korean War essay only has 1.

While I mainly do the blog because history is my passion, It sucks to hear that people almost, if not pay attention to what I do. But that's the least of my problems, Although still a big one.

The second and possibly main reason is the Tumblronpa fiasco. Now, I haven't been here long enough to see how Tumblronpa works, But I have been told of it, Hell I made an oc. But after the drama that went down about that the last few days, I'm genuinely staying away from that now.

I don't know when this drama started, But I think it started when the mod for a Tumblronpa by the name of Dash started getting anon hate from a different source ( the person of which has never been found)

Now I bring Dash up because that might have been the start for me to think about the risks of being on a Tumblronpa, though not enough for me to quit. But things get stranger when another content creator by the name of Mentally Eli disappeared for a while ( She has since returned)

After this, I was starting to get a little nervous not gonna lie, but It still wasn't-enough. But then come the Aliza -chan situation and that's where my hope was shattered. Aliza almost died not once, but twice because of anon hate. It got so bad that she had to leave Tumblr, which was a smart move from Aliza not gonna lie.

But still, that situation and the fact that one of my friends and mutuals tried to off themselves because of anon hate, pretty much shattered my hope of ever being on a tumblronpa. I was fucking terrified.

If you don't know, I'm terrible with anxiety and stress since I was little. Often times I wonder why I exist if I just have no purpose. Keep in mind, I'm a teenager and this whole suicide situation scared the shit out of me.

And really It was the Situation with Aliza- chan as well as Mama Lexi( Although Lexi's was something entirely different from that and had nothing to do with Tumblronpa's or anon hate, Still I highly recommend that you don't disturb her now cause she's not in the best mood) That finally pressured me to make this post and have my overall thoughts on it.

I'm not in the best mood right now and the situations that have been going on have been increasing my stress levels up the roof and my fears of Tumblronpa hate altogether.

But let's get to the big question: Am I leaving Tumblr? Yes and No. Let me explain.

While yes, I said I thought about leaving Tumblr, I'm not willing to delete my blog because of the friends I made on this site as well as the fact that history is my passion. But I won't lie when I say that I Need some time off from this to calm down.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on a break from Tumblr. The ask box is still open, So feel free to send stuff there ( Though I highly doubt you will) and I will be sure to answer them When I come back.

My discord is still open as well, Though don't expect me to answer often on it. I will still answer If I have the time.

As for Tumblronpas? I'm done with it. I refuse to participate in one after what happened, and as well as my mental state not being the best right now, I don't think I can handle the death threats that come my way.

If this means I'm dropping out of Eden's Garden and Lumnieres roleplay blogs, then Yes, I Unfortualney have to drop out. Also, the picrew that I made Samuel in is no longer there, so I can't do any more sprites with him sorry.

But still, I'm staying the hell away from Tumblronpas in general now. If you want to ask me to join a Tumblronpa, I'm sorry, But I will have to decline. No Tumblronpas, No roleplay, I'm done.

Overall, I think that's my reasons for taking a break from Tumblr. I wasn't expecting to make it today, but I guess so. This year has not been kind to me, with some issues going on at home as well as some finals I have to finish up, Plus the fact that people don't care for my content and the whole Tumblronpa situation has broken my mental state.

Let's be honest, No one is going to care about this post or won't even see it. Honestly, I get so used to being discarded and ignored, That I just don't care anymore. No one cares and that is that, I just wanted to get my thoughts off my mind.

So, yeah I will be taking a break, I don't know when I will come back, but Maybe when I get my shit together. I hope you guys have a nice day and this is goodbye for now...

#sam talks

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zealous-whispers-of-us-redux · 3 years

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baby, we could be enough

So, listen, a few months ago I was in a not-so-good place and deleted my Tumblr blog with all my writing on it. But now, I'm back and better than ever. I wanted to repost my stuff on this new writing blog I made. It's probably redundant, but maybe there will be some new people who haven't read it!

Without further ado- alpha!Bucky/vampire!Reader (take ii)

They meet in an ironic place under abnormal circumstances. One may think that Bucky's just being dramatic when he says this, but it's true. It is so strange where an alpha can meet their omega, and they were no exception.

Bucky had been walking home from the forest on a cold winter night a few days before the full moon. He could feel the wolf in his chest roaring to be let out, and his skin felt itchy like it was stretched too tight across his bones. It made him unable to breathe. He was ready to jump out of his human skin, let the wolf take over, and run when his sensitive nose picked up the most enchanting scent he had ever smelled. It smelled like, oh, it smelled like home. Bucky had whined and followed his nose in search of the wolf that was undoubtedly his omega soulmate.

The smell leads him through the dark streets until he catches sight of a church. A lone figure is perched on the top stair right near the entrance, and the mouthwatering smell is stronger than ever. Bucky lets out another quiet whine, and the omega's ears pick it up. Her head turns towards him. Bucky holds his hands up in a gesture of comfort, and she tilts her head, curious now. Bucky prowls nearer, his toes finally hitting the bottom stair, as he makes noises of solace to coax her to come to him. She hisses. But he isn't deterred in the slightest. She smells delicious, and Bucky wants her so badly that it hurts. He's finally close enough to see her features, and as she looks up at him, bright eyes wide with fear, he is struck silent, mouth open and gaping. She is the single most beautiful omega he's ever seen. Still, something about her does seem off. Her scent is strangely weak. Maybe she's ill? Oh no, his poor little baby doll, all alone in the cold- sick, unmated, with no one to take care of her!

"C'mere omega," Bucky coaxes. "Let's get ya outta the cold, okay?"

She snarls at him as he reaches his hand out. He doesn't notice a pair of fangs glinting under the streetlights until she nearly snaps his finger in two. Bucky jumps backward about four feet. She's a vampire. Shit. Damn it! Of course, his dumb ass would want to mate with a vamp. Sam and Steve are going to howl when they hear this story. That's just his luck. Gods, is he ever going to find an omega? It has been what feels like forty thousand years. And hell, why does she have to smell so good?

The vamp snarls again. Bucky supposes he should just back away and leave her alone. But then the acrid smell of pain seeps into her scent, and Bucky's eyebrows furrow in response. She's hurt. An internal war starts to wage in his brain.

On the one hand, she is a vamp—his sworn enemy. Or at least, his pack's sworn enemy, not necessarily his. On the other hand, she already feels like his mate, as fucked up as that sounds. The alpha inside him whines about taking care of its intended.

Bucky decides to take a chance.

"You okay?" he asks quietly, crouching on his knees in front of her.

She bares her teeth at him. Blood drips down her chin. Blood that smells like hers. His heart hurts, and he reaches his hand out to wipe the blood from her skin. She snaps at his finger, almost grabbing it with those deadly fangs before he pulls it back just in time.

"You're bleedin'," he says instead. "What happened?"

"None of your business, wolf," she answers through a mouthful of blood.

She spits a glob of it on the ground below her, staining the snow red. She wipes a trembling hand across her chin and glares.

"You're in pain," Bucky says matter-of-factly.

"Thanks. I had no idea."

"Lemme help you."

"I can take care of myself."

Bucky whines. He really can't help it at this point. She is hurt and in pain, and her pained scent is like all things horrible, and she looks close to crying, and the alpha in Bucky's chest is howling for her body to be pressed against his as he shields her from everything terrible and evil in the world.

"Please?" he asks.

"I don't need help, least of all from a werewolf. Go away!"

She spits more blood from her mouth and tugs her thick coat onto her shoulders. It's strange that a vamp would wear such a warm jacket. The cold doesn't bother them at all, Bucky knows. He wants to ask but thinks better of it.

She shakily gets to her feet, and then, and it happens quick, her knees give out, and she topples to the ground. Bucky isn't fast enough to catch her, and she hits her head on the stone step. Letting out a horrified yelp, Bucky rushes over to her and lifts her head from the stair. She groans in pain, which is another strange thing. Vamps cannot get hurt from knocking their heads on a stone step. There has to be another explanation. Before Bucky can even ask, she goes limp, and her eyes close.

She wakes in a dark room that reeks like dead animals. Her eyes open, and she leaps off of the bed she had just been on. Belatedly, she realizes that this is not her house and that the stink that she smells is a werewolf. Her muscles brace themselves for a fight, and she lets her fangs slide free from her gums. She crouches down and scuttles on all fours towards the door. She's about to turn the knob when the door bursts open and hits her right on the forehead. She hisses in surprise and sprints back to one of the darkened corners of the room.

"Shit, you okay?" says a voice.

It's the werewolf from before. This is his house. She is not about to be killed by a stupid dog. Quick as anything, she jumps at him. Unfortunately, he's fast (or she's still feeling sluggish), and he catches her up in his arms. She braces herself for his crushing blow, where he rips her head clean off her shoulders. Make it quick; she thinks to herself as she pinches her eyes shut. She hopes that she will be dead before he starts chewing on her face. But the death blow doesn't come. Instead, she feels as he sticks his nose in the side of her neck right near her fang bites, and takes a big sniff. She freezes, confused. The werewolf continues smelling her, and his body begins to vibrate. It takes her a while to realize that he's purring. What the hell? Is he going to eat her or what?

"Um. What, uh." She taps him on the shoulder with a short cough. "Um, excuse me? Um, Wolfy?"

"Hmm?" he hums, still snuffling around.

"Can I ask you to please wait until I'm dead before you start eating my face?"

'Wolfy' suddenly looks at her, his eyes huge.

"Eat ya? Why the fuck would I wanna do that?"

She worries her lower lip between her teeth nervously.

"Why else am I here?" she asks.

"You were hurt. An' I wanted to help ya, I guess. You- heh. You smell mouthwaterin'."

"I'm a vampire," she says.

"I know you are."

"No, I mean, how can I smell nice? I'm told I smell like, like death. Like rot, decay. Blood."

"What?" 'Wolfy' looks distressed at this information. "Who told you that? I'll kill 'em. Gods, you, you smell like clean sheets an' seawater an' -don't laugh- an' the way a library smells."

His face turns pink, and he looks away.

There is a minute of silence as she thinks this over. Is this his way of hunting her kind? Holding them close, letting them steal his body heat, telling them they smell like anything other than a corpse, and then killing them? Does he enjoy doing it this way? Or does she genuinely smell like all those things? She decides to find out.

"Do I?" she says.

"Do you what?"

"Smell like whatever you said I did?"

'Wolfy' smiles at her. It's a genuine sort of smile, and she is still so confused that her head is starting to hurt. She has not had a headache in over three hundred and fifty years.

"Yep," says 'Wolfy.' "Like clean sheets. Cotton. An' the ocean. An' a library. Crinkly old books an' fresh new books an' coffee an' it's beautiful. But you're still in pain, an' it smells like burnin' rubber. What happened?"

"I don't know. Please, can you eat me so we can end this strange little game? I'm getting tired."

"I already told ya that I'm not gonna do that."

"Then, why am I here?"

He stares at her, confusion in his gaze.

"Ya mean, you don't know?"

"How can I make myself any clearer?" she says. "Why am I here? Why am I here?"

"Oh," he murmurs as if realizing something.

She is about to ask him what he just realized, about to ask him if he can put her down so she can get the heck out of here, but he is holding her tighter now, and then he's kissing her. She gasps, her eyes wide open. His are closed, and he's purring again as he kisses her. 'Wolfy' breaks away from her mouth and looks at her expectantly.

"Um, what was that?" she asks, shoving against his rock-solid chest.

His eyebrows furrow, and he looks confused again.

"Ya didn't feel that?"

She glares. "What, the unwarranted sexual advance? Of course, I did!"

"Yeah, no, not that, erm, sorry for that, by the way. I shoulda asked first. But no. Ya didn't feel it?"

A pause.

"What's it?" she grumbles.

"Oh," he says again to himself.

He ducks his head so he can look at her properly. His eyes are stormy blue and the most beautiful eyes she has ever seen. Come to think of it, he is an attractive guy- for a dog, anyway (Gods darn it). He's got a jawline that she would love to sink her teeth into and long, mussed hair that he had tied up in a bun. Even his ears are cute, and she is almost jealous. He smiles at her again, and his smile, unfortunately, makes her want to smile. And his body is so warm. She unclenches her muscles ever so slightly and cuddles him. 'Wolfy's grip on her tightens, and his smile grows. His tongue unconsciously peeks out between his lips.

"Hi," he murmurs.

"Hi," she whispers.

What is happening?

"Pardon me for doin' this, but I gotta see somethin'. Gotta see if I'm right."

"What do you- eep!"

Again, before she can ask him what he is talking about, 'Wolfy' sticks his nose in her neck. She squeaks in surprise when he starts licking at the twin fang marks that still shine red after four hundred years. A shiver runs down her spine. He scrapes his teeth over the tiny holes, and she throws her head back. His gentle exploration turns to purposeful nips, and he grabs her skin between his teeth, sucking lightly. Some strange sensation floats through her head. She suddenly smells bits of freshly mown grass. To drive his point home, 'Wolfy' wiggles his hips, making her aware of the heaviness between his thighs. Okay, well, this just took a strange turn. She isn't sure if she likes it.

"Okay," she says aloud.

"Can I kiss you? Properly?" 'Wolfy' asks, his face still buried in her neck.

She likes it.

"Yes."

His lips are on hers again, and she grins. She pulls the band from his hair, buries her fingers into it. He has such beautiful hair. It is long and dark and full. She tugs, and he whines high in his throat. Her smile grows, and she yanks harder. He moans, low and long, and his fingers dig into her so hard she wishes they would leave bruises.

She has never felt like this in all her four hundred and twenty years on this earthly plane. Never. There is so much want running through her veins. For the first time in a long time, she feels hot. Her skin is itchy, too tight, thinly stretched across her bones. 'Wolfy's scent is getting stronger. His pulse skitters underneath her fingertips, and her mouth waters. Gods, his heartbeat is so strong. She breaks away from his lips, and he whines again at the loss of her mouth. She cannot control herself. She's hungry, and he smells good. She bites his neck, and 'Wolfy' makes a joyful sound. His blood is delicious. She's never had blood like this before. She wants it all. She wants to roll around in it, roll around in him, with him, everything with him.

She bites Bucky's neck, and as soon as her fangs break the skin, he can't help himself, and he cries out, wiggling his hips around as he tries to find something to rut against. He's so hard, and she smells so good, and he loves her eating him, drinking his blood.

"Oh," he sighs, his head lolling, "Take it all. It's all yours, honey. 'M all yours."

She pulls her fangs out of his neck, and Bucky smashes his mouth on hers again. His tongue dances into her mouth, and he cleans off her fangs, humming at the metallic taste of his blood in her mouth. He wants her forever. She smells like him now. She pulls on his hair until he lets her mouth go with a tiny whimper. He chases her lips with his for a moment before she puts a finger over his mouth.

"Is that what you meant by 'it'?" she asks softly.

"You felt it too?" he confirms, licking the pad of her finger reverently.

She shakes her head, disbelieving.

"I did. What does it mean?"

Bucky stares at her, spellbound. Her eyes have turned red, and her clothes are all rumpled. Carefully, not wanting to drop her, Bucky walks them to the nearest wall and presses her back against it. His lips hardly move when he tells her what he has known since he caught her scent back at the church. His heart is jackhammering in his chest. He wants her to say yes. He knows it's irrational, but his ma told him that all rationality goes out the window when an alpha finds its intended. The omega gets delirious with lust that can only be sated by an alpha's knot. Then all the alpha can think is how to keep their omega happy. Bucky starts purring again at the thought of finally having a pretty little omega all to himself. Oh, she's in for a treat! He's going to take care of her so well that she will never want to leave his nest!

Silence. She blinks at him. He tilts his head, waiting for her answer. She blinks.

"What?" she finally says.

"It means you're mine," Bucky repeats. "My intended, my mate. My omega."

She blinks again, and it's getting exhausting. Bucky wants to be kissing her again. He twitches in his jeans, and all he can think of is how perfect she's going to feel all wrapped around his knot. But why is she thinking so much? Gods, he's so hard that even he can smell his desire! How is she so utterly unaffected by it?

"How does that even work?" she says. "That's biologically impossible! Everything I've read and everything I've seen says that we can't mate."

"Incredibly rare." Bucky corrects her, nosing at her cheek. "But not impossible."

"What?" she says.

"You smell amazin,'" Bucky continues dazedly, ignoring her. "I wanna give ya my knot. Oh, honey, will ya let me? You ever get an alpha's knot before? I'll make it so good for ya, I promise. I wanna give you my pups. You'd look so pretty. Such a beautiful omega, you are. I'd take good care a' ya, you know? You'd never want anythin'."

'Wolfy' keeps babbling, but his words are going into one ear and out the other. She cannot believe what he is telling her. He is not serious, is he? If this is how he plays before he has dinner, it's the longest game ever. She doesn't want to be an omega. It's too messy, too subservient! What, does he expect her to roll over and offer up her womb for his rut? No! What does he think this is? What does he think she is? Ugh! Why would she want that weird knot thingy inside her? She doesn't want it within ten hundred feet of her, for goodness sake! It wouldn't feel right; it would tear her in half!

"-Never want anythin'," 'Wolfy' says just before she bashes his nose with her head.

He yelps and immediately drops her to hold his bleeding nose. She springs to her feet, thanking her lucky stars that his blood rejuvenated her and seemed to remove all evidence of prior weakness from her bones. She hisses, fangs bared and fingers outstretched. Here is where he either eats her or she kills him. She has never been more ready for a fight, but he isn't attacking. His hands are over his nose, and he's looking at her with wounded eyes. She narrows her own. 'Wolfy' whines and reaches for her.

"Please don't go," he murmurs. "I didn't mean to say all a' that shit."

She snarls, and before he can touch her again, she leaps out of his open window. She lands hard on her elbow and brushes off her clothes before she's running barefoot across the frozen ground. A wounded howl punches her deep in the chest, and she stops, doubling over as the sensation of agony fills her. She can feel his emotions! He doesn't want her to go, and the feeling of abandonment burns in her heart. She grabs her hair, tearing strands out.

"Stop it!" she screams, just loud enough for him to hear. "Leave me alone!"

'Wolfy' continues howling, and the sound is getting louder now. Oh Gods, is he following her? The branches on the trees around her rustle in the wind. Her ears perk up at the sound of feet over grass. She spins on her heels and bolts. The forest is dark as anything, thank Gods. The winter night fills her lungs, and she takes a deep breath, letting the bright air rejuvenate her more. The grass is cold underfoot, and she wants to shiver, wants nothing more than to be at home and sink into a warm bath and wash all traces of werewolf off her skin.

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #abo au #alpha bucky barnes #vampire reader #fluff #angst

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senjuhashirama · 3 years

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My quandary is rooted in a separate fandom. I and a few of my friends have character blogs in this separate fandom. Well we aren't popular or that well known, but we have fun and we don't harm anybody. You see there is another group of character blogs as well [in this same fandom] who are very popular. They instantly get likes and fanfare from stans. Our blogs are nothing like theirs. We don't try to duplicate or mimic them in any way. However they (the popular character blogs) have on occasion ripped off our posts and posted our words to their blogs, have used our rp situations, have tried to do things that we do, that we noticed. We ended up blocking them. That's not my quandary though, my problem is one of my friends, let's call her Marsha, who rps her character perfectly and is funny and amazing, decided to start rping with them. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this, but they are who they are, and Marsha is rping the stuff we do with her.. now with them. Isn't that odd? Marsha pities them because she (and we) suspects that in actuality, the popular blogs are run by 1 or 2 people (there's quite a lot of those blogs). I suspect Marsha is right. But? Is this even fair? I don't trust her, because why is she emulating our rp style, with these blogs that hate us for nothing?

This is part 1 of the quandary but I'll break it off here, due to length, and tell me what you think?

Addendum: I'm not trying to flex, but we put a lot of thought into our blogs, a lot of care goes into building our characters. We take it seriously. The other character blogs are based on crack threads. Which is always welcome, but it feels so frustrating. Even when we do crack threads I'm sorry but we're just funnier. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Not tootin my own horn but when Marsha posts with the haters (lack of a better term), she's giving them more likes and we sort of feel, hey, look at us here, we're just rping alone.

(If I could show you what the other blogs post about, 50 reblogs about utensils and.. You would see what I mean!! And again, anyone has the right to post whatever they desire as long as it's not harmful, but their actions against us is what riles me up.)

It's so stupid how what should be a fun time has this added layer of stress. I haven't been sleeping or eating. I'm sorry for dumping this on you. But I need a voice unrelated to my fandom to just.. Tell me what I'm not seeing.

(If you want me to shut up I will!)

Hi ♥ First, I’m sorry you have to go through this. Fandom, especially RP parts, can be traumatizing. And it’s hard to really leave, because there are people you care about. And sometimes it’s almost impossible. I will put it under the cut, bcs it’s long.

Second, I would advise you to be careful about what the group is saying about the second group. Masha (for some reason I imagine Marcia from Succession) maybe chose the strategy - if you can’t defeat them, you must join them. Which sometimes can be good, but it can get weird. Sometimes people just want to join the popularest plastics because the promise of popularity seems great (I shrug because this is literally tumblr, why are people still playing plastics lmao). That’s really on them, but there’s a chance she might tell them everything you’re saying, so I really think you should be careful. People like to take things out of context to show how abusive other people are. Just be safe and in case there’s anything sensitive, delete it, because these things can get pretty messy very fast. I’m not saying she will do it, I sincerely hope she won't, I hope she feels only sorry for them, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Third – do not tell them you think they are copying your content. I know this sounds like terrible advice, but many people were accused on this website of stealing stuff and used it as evidence that the other person is shitty. For some reason, RP attracts people who don’t have a very strong sense of identity (which is fine by the way, sometimes I struggle with that too, so I know how it feels) and sometimes these things happen, and they don’t even realize. It sucks, but it is what it is. And your complaining will be used as ammunition.

You can get into a fight, but honestly, it’s not worth the mental turmoil, because this is basically what thirteen years old children do, mimicking Ar*ana Grande or other famous celebs. It is hurtful to see other people being rewarded for your content, but it’s not like you can do anything, there are no judges. Unless the person is level-headed (if someone told me I would probably apologize bcs it’s my big fear, copying someone! I’d rather know that continue that behavior), there’s a little chance they will admit that they’re basically stealing it from you and most likely they don’t even realize (which is not an excuse, but it lowers the chance of them admitting to it). You probably won’t win and if you will, you will pay for it with your mental health. Most likely, you both will lose in the end or it will be a pyrrhic victory, take that from me. Also I have one thought about it being one or two people – they might be unconsciously mimicking one another, so they might appear as the same, just thought.

So I would advise you to just block them and not watch them. In the end, it’s embarrassing for them to steal something. And as someone who had their content stolen (ironically, by people who would probably prefer if I died and who lied about me and last time I was told they’re still at it but I can’t let that get to me), there’s one thing that always calmed me down. That they can take some things from me, but it doesn’t matter, because it came out of my head, my head is mine, they can’t replace it by taking the things it created. That’s the thing they want, but will never have, your mind. People say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and it is true, it just sucks that people will take the credit.

But what you can do is evolve your ideas. They will be better since they came from you. You aren’t replacable. Try to focus that stress into something creative, even if it’s just out of spite and pettiness. If you don’t want to leave, there’s only that option left. And it’s much better than obsessing about what they took away, because it will only stress you out. You already have the most important thing – your mind and that’s already a higher ground. Not people liking it. It’s much better than fighting them and being petty on main. Believe me, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Some people will notice, some won’t, but you don’t want them around anyway.

Oh and the last thing – take care of yourself. Sometimes I wish people on the internet could see the other person, because I doubt it would be as scary. This is like a high school and nothing more. I hope you will find peace in your ideas, and you won’t feel the need to check them. It can really get uglier than it is now, because some people feel they are entitled to make your life hell, don’t be one of them. Just say no to that negativity, be careful and don’t check them out, because it will ruin your fun. Try not to spiral down and not let the bad thoughts in, this is how you protect your safe space.

I’m sorry for telling you to kind of surrender, but safety and mental health comes first. And this is the only way it worked for me.

#anonymous #ask #✿life is full of little interruptions✿#konohanians talk #✿wouldn't you like to know✿#ooc probably?#fandom shit #also keep on asking #hashiramathetheTherapist

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shifting-lark · 4 years

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hello! i just want to send a positive message to you and everyone who sees this in regards to this youtuber's deep dive. if this person truly decides to make her video mocking us(which Im sure it will be mocking because a couple years back people used to love to mock different peaceful tumblr communities)(im actually surprised that kurtis conner or cody ko haven't made a video on reality shifting since they are usually the kings of making fun of people) i just want to let everyone know you are safe and loved, none of this stupid shit matters and deep down we all have the answers-meditate, focus on yourself, focus your own energy on self care and love for yourself. I used to be very sensitive to things like that - people making fun of me, laughing at my interests, thinking im insane for believing in things that you cannot see or feel with your physical body and senses. But you know what - literally FUCK THAT. There is so sososo much proof that we are living in a matrix, that this whole world makes absolutely zero sense there ARE LITERAL CIA DOCUMENTS ABOUT TIME TRAVEL, QUANTUM JUMPING FOR FUCKS SAKE. So please anyone who is scared of this dont be this shit is irrelevant it will pass- there is love and light inside you and no one absolutely no one can take that away from you. I truly wish most people weren't this hateful and mocking to others but unfortunately this is what they chose to be, this is their current path and there is nothing you can or should do. All you need in this time is yourself, focus and go deeper within you - all the answers are there and they always were❤️ (im very sorry for the long rant but im very sad to see so many people scared because someone in a position of power might decide to make fun of literally one of the sweetest most peaceful communities ive ever been in) anyway sorry if this was annoying if you don't want to answer that is okay and if you do i hope it helps motivate at least one person i would be so so happy if it does❤️❤️❤️ have a lovely day/night dear!!

This was not annoying at all don’t worry!! Thank you for sending it!!!

I appreciate this a lot and you’re very right! It’ll all be alright and everything will pass, so anyone who isn’t nervous or doesn’t care, that’s totally fine!! But I do want to say anyone who IS nervous or anxious that is also TOTALLY valid.

Getting excess hate/bullying is hard for some people. And of course we can say “words don’t matter” but I have high social anxiety so it’s kinda nerve racking for a bunch of new people to be shown shifting blogs etc. I’m gonna delete every hate message I get, but I’ll still have to be “exposed” to them.

I just want people to know it’s okay however you are handling this. If you want to prepare for the worst (like me) and make things private or delete posts, that’s totally understandable. If you don’t care and aren’t gonna change anything, that’s also fair.

But bottom line: I’m not going anywhere. I might be “hunkered down” for a bit until this shit passes, but I’m not gonna stop believing in shifting and I’m certainly not leaving shiftblr. This is the nicest community I’ve been apart of EVER and I’m not letting some haters ruin that completely.

So just hang tight everyone and wait for this deep dive hype to pass (and cross your fingers it might not even happen) Love y’all 💕

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whateverlandia · 2 years

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ooph! yesterday was a doozy, but i think a pretty healthy one! i stepped away from blogging to be in my feelings, and ultimately ended up processing a lot more on a now deleted reddit thread. apparently i accidentally edited 2/3 of it into oblivion and so then i just scrapped it.

but i'm with those sentiments and still driving forward through them.

it was great to sit with and confront the shame and remorse i feel towards arielle. it was hurting so much, and it does, to sit with a real sense of how much i let them down. specifically, when it comes to making them feel safe. i won't get into it, and i'm not trying to beat myself up about it. or to dwell on it overly.

i mean, just for the sake of writing atm. it's not what i want to talk about in this moment.

gonna pause and leave this open while i continue relaxing and getting around to what i do want to talk about

i was a lot more confused yesterday. let's put it that way. i even thought about breaking no contact a few times, which was a very new impulse since that began. not happening, not anytime too soon, anyway.

ultimately, i've been sitting with and processing a lot, and i think..

i think i'm coming to a place of deciding to reach out to them, in time. i'm not sure when, yet.

i just know that i care deeply about that person and their future, and there are ***so many*** things that were left unaddressed still from *my side*.

I have a lot of shame and guilt that were introduced to me by gaining awareness of what took place there, via learning, after things were done. this all sounds so shitty and unspecific, but i lost the far more detailed stuff from last night.

i'm just logging the skeleton of things, and setting my trajectory.

unfortunately, i do this for her, and for myself for having the need to do so, but i think she really killed the romance, or that i killed it inside of her. her words are completely unambiguous, about that.

not exactly odd that her expressing never again would effect me greatly, but surprising to me what many things have come since then, now that the obsessive upfront binge learning phase is cooling off. i had thought my next phase is surely, more self focused work. but instead emerges a lot that demands to be felt, and processed, first. and i'm *really* happy about that, although i haven't had or taken the chance to pause and to really appreciate it. it's scary when things change and you're not sure what you're going through.

I think i'm going to start up a backburner project, where for now i'm collecting things to speak to. just a list of things to speak to. there's a lot of damage to make an honest effort at undoing. i feel bound by this. it would seem to supersede my self-important and self-preserving distance. i don't know. i'm actually not sure, still. sometimes i honestly feel so comparatively unimportant to that person that to bother caring about them or putting time into their life when they are so disinterested in doing the same for me is a bit of a cause for concern

but i continue to raise myself as a man whose measure of worth is partially assessed in how i treat those who i have nothing to gain from.

i want to be optimistic about her growth. her sincerity. her valuing of me. but why should i be? believing in the people who treat me like crap as part of their half-involved lifestyle has been terrible for me to date. genuinely terrible.

if these people would just treat me right, treat me with respect, my god maybe even *show* me love. if they'd treat themselves right. show themselves love. if they'd be active participants in the betterment of their own lives. instead of foreverwhatevering.

how *intensely* i would want to be a part of their lives, and to give them all of my support.

i watched my mom spend her life helping people who didn't appreciate it that much. she literally still is. truth is, though. it's an honor to serve. it is beautiful. being self obsessed is very unappealing.

i'm also not sure about failing to commit to a full mental/focus break from arielle. the best part of exiting each others lives is the regaining of focus on self. and the power to 'start over' and direct your life differently, adaptively. one of the best parts of not being friends, too.

it is a very weird thing to judge another person for their imperfections when you yourself are littered with them. i'm humbling myself with this thought at the moment, rather than chastising others judgement towards me. though i could.

i'm only in charge of me, though. ooph. i thought maybe i was a bit more sure of forward directions than i am yet. not too surprising if a lot more thinking about things needs to take place. the wonderful thing, is having the time and space to freely and comfortably do so

might be getting a job as a janitor, soon. or a job as a crypto researcher. i don't really care all that much either way, lol.

starting to get a very strong grasp on my focus on what i really want to be about and a part of, with my life.

i really like life

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pointthefingerblametheother · 3 years

Text

First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)

Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.

Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.

If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.

I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.

Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?

You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.

I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).

Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.

We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.

I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.

When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.

She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁

Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.

I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂

Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.

I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.

Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.

This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.

Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.

This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.

I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.

I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.

I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.

Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.

I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.

If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.

I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...

But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then

Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.

I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.

I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.

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treadmilltreats · 4 years

Text

I challenge you to become better

Yesterday morning while I was getting dressed I heard Marvin Gaye's song What's going on…

It goes on to say:

"Father, father

We don't need to escalate

You see, war is not the answer

For only love can conquer hate

You know we've got to find a way to bring some lovin' here today, oh oh oh

Picket lines and picket signs

Don't punish me with brutality

Talk to me, so you can see

Oh, what's going on"

I started to cry, because I remember this song in the late 60s and here we are in 2020 still dealing with these same issues. This weekend after watching all the riots and name calling on TV and seeing everyone pointing the finger at each other on social media, I had to shut everything down.

I am so sad, I am sad for the world we are living in, for a world that I will be leaving for my girls.

I am sad that we haven't learned anything in 50 years.

I am sad because why can't we see that we are all human beings and we all should have the same rights.

I am sad because we all bleed the same, we all want a better life for our children and that we are all God's children.

But I realized that I can only change my part in this, that I am only in control of what I say and what I post. So I asked myself what do I want my girls to hear me say, what do I want my readers to hear from me?

I don't want to be part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution. So how can I do that? I prayed because I needed to find the answer and it came to me, I realized that, the song is it…. Only love can conquer hate…

Only love can conquer hate…

So I have decided from here on out I will only post about the good stuff, acts of kindness, compassion and love.

And I challenge all of you…

I know so many of you have done stupid challenges in the past but this one can change the world.

Let's flood social media with this, people helping people, all races united, random acts of kindness.

Let's put out there pictures of people standing together, police officers taking a knee, children of all races playing together just like in Martin Luther King's dream.

I will no longer be part of the problem, I will not keep pushing hatred on to one another. I will no longer finger point instead I will love. I will not delete the bigots and racists I've realized I know, some of which are my own family members. No, I will keep them on my social media pages so that they can see what love looks like, what true compassion for another human being feels like.

I will not argue when others call me names, I will just keep flooding my pages with love.

Now some of you might laugh and say what's that going to change… your one person, that's nothing. So I will kindly remind you that Rosa Parks was one person, that Martin Luther King was one person and the countless others that were alone in the fight for righteousness and yet they changed the world.

So today my friends I challenge you to make a difference, to change, to love not hate.

I will leave you with this, these amazing words of change from people who have done it.

Compassion is the radicalism of our time.– the Dalai Lama

In a gentle way, you can shake the world.– Mahatma Gandhi

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.– Martin Luther King Jr.

Let us remember: One book, one pen, one child, and one teacher, can change the world.

– Malala Yousafzai

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

– Margaret Mead

And like I always tell you at the end of every blog..."Be the change you want to see"

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

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And on Amazon.com

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