#stop being delusional. get off the internet fish | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

muckrakerhq · 4 years

Photo

PRESENTING … FONDUE FOR TWO, EVERY TUESDAY, HOSTED BY JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON.

featuring… this week’s guests, @ivystjamess & @lincolnonline

fondue for two is a weekly internet talk show hosted by joey hummel-anderson. fondue for two, joey, and the muckraker team strive to get all the steaming gossip while he interviews guests of his choice over a steaming pot of cheese.

[Joey's room - once again, Joey sits across from his guests, but this time it's Ivy St. James and Lincoln Clarington-Smythe; Gil the Fish is in the same spot]

JOEY: Hi everyone! Today's guests are very special, since I have here with me McKinley's biggest bitches, Ivy St. James and the new kid that is already more popular than Fiona Beckett, Lincoln Clarington-Smythe! Do you guys feel honored to be here, on what is the greatest internet show of all time?

LINK: A title I am more than proud to share. I can also say with complete confidence that the bar for internet shows is so low that I can't dispute that this one may just be the best.

IVY: okay, winnie is totally a bigger bitch than me but i'm like happy to be here before her anyway. even if it's with the new boy.

JOEY: Okay, you guys could smile a little more though, this is the internet after all. Moving on to the first question, a fan actually sent this one and it's for Ivy! Ivy, is it true that you got Danny Zuko because, just like your mom, you have what people call "man hands"?

IVY: oh my god that's like so. . . mean? i dont have man hands and neither does my mom! but if the people like really wanna know, i have my dad's hands. mine look like the exact same as his, even when we used to do jazz hands in our family dance routines they were the exact same down to like every flutter of the finger.

JOEY: I wasn't the one who sent this in, so you can blame someone named LucyQ99, because she was the one who sent it. Moving on from the story about Ivy's hands that no one asked for, the next question is for Link! Is it true that you got kicked out of Dalton because you were caught having sex with someone on the stairs and not because of a list?

LINK: Unfortunately, no, there's been a mix up in stories. I was actually caught having sex with someone on the stairs last year and I lied and said I was helping him check for STD's because 'he was too scared to see the nurse.' The list thing was totes the reason and it was unjust so please email and call your local council and accuse Dalton of homophobia, that would mean a lot to me.

JOEY: You heard it here first, I will leave the phone number and email down below because Dalton is homophobic... Anyways, next question is for both of you, who is the second hottest guy at McKinley? I'm number one, obviously.

IVY: ugh that's like so totally easy, Joey! Everyone knows it's--

IVY: actually you know what? i bet link is like SO totally unbiased from personal experience with these guys.

IVY: link, who do you like think is hottest?

LINK: Uh...okay, well, in all honesty, the bar in on the fucking floor. And as much as I know you hate to admit it, I'm gonna say Leo because he gives me big Jack Skellington vibes if Halloweentown had a film school and I'm really into that, ya'know. Also maybe Theo but only when I admire him from afar, I don't need to hear him talk, it ruins it for me.

IVY: oh my god.

IVY: PLEASE say you're joking like right now.

IVY: leo? like? mccarthy?

LINK: Yeah, and? I like the angst of it all!

JOEY: Wait, Ivy you didn't answer, and I'm not even going to comment on that, Link... This is the last time you'll be on my show.

IVY: i dated leo for like eight months! so not cool! the angst like totally isn't worth it. and from personal experience? you're like definitely better off with theo.

IVY: joey i didn't answer because there's like. . . not even a second behind you. maybe a close fifth though. . . yeah!

LINK: Listen, I'm not gonna try anything with Leo, I respect his heterosexuality! I'm allowed to admire from my bubble of him being my manic pixie dream film bro! And stop avoiding Joey's questions, you're dodging and weaving that shit. You may be McKinley's lil' actress ingenue, but you're not a good liar.

IVY: i am like . . . an incredible liar!

JOEY: Okay, that's enough talking about Leo in my room, you guys are bumming out my whole area... I liked Ivy's answer, moving on! How do you guys feel about the musical?

IVY: thank you! anyhow, i'm gonna like totally make everyone forget who john travolta even is. duh. ever thought you could cry to a rendition of sandy? no? well just like wait until you hear mine.

LINK: I'm hype. I really don't care about musicals but I was born to play Rizzo, it just makes sense. I'm gonna steal the show and Ivy and....uh...no, no, I'll get it....Jonathan? Jason?......Anyways, Ivy and the Schuester guy playing Sandy, well I'm sure they'll be great too. I've never been too pure to be pink, that's for sure.

IVY: Julien.

IVY: but yea like im sure you'll make a good Rizzo. that's a compliment I don't give lightly.

JOEY: Good! I can't wait until everyone else in rehearsal to not fit in the room because of your giant egos. And I do know what ego means, I learned that word recently. Okay, between you two, who's more talented? The people want to know.

LINK: Yeah, him. Big hair. I'll get to know him when I have to bully him on stage. And let's look at the facts; I can sing, I can act, I can dance, I can write and direct, I can and have arranged multiple Cupcakke songs into acapella versions, I can work industry standard special effects equipment, I can give you splits and dips and I dress like Sharpay Evans. Make your own conclusions on who's more talented.

IVY: Listen, everyone thinks I'm like kind of a bitch, but the fact of the matter is I'm not just a bitch. I'm a talented bitch. And if acknowledging my ability makes me a bitch then like . . . whatever! Link's stuff is impressive but at the end of the day, I managed to be successful in the arts and like a totally hot and popular cheerio at Mckinley. It's no easy feat juggling both. So like . . . the proof is in the pudding or whatever.

JOEY: There's pudding? I want pudding... Well, I guess it's up to everyone else to decide, please leave a comment and say who you think is more talented! Right, next question is a serious one - do you guys think Gil looks okay? He looks tired, right?

LINK: I mean, yeah, why lie, this fish is probably moments away from the sweet, salty grips of a literal watery grave. But, hey, I'm no fish expert maybe he just needs to pop a Zoloft.

IVY: Ew, morbid. Maybe he just needs to like nap!

JOEY: I think he'll be fine. He hasn't been the same since I found out he's a secret slumlord... [turns to the bowl] The way you treat those families is really mean and they don't deserve that, but I think there's still good in you... Right, since I like to end it on a positive note, the two of you have to say something nice about each other!

IVY: Even though he's kind of delusional about who's gonna be the Grease show stopper, for someone who came from like a private school, Link does dress nice!

LINK: Why, thank you. You are very pretty and I get what the hype is about. You have a nice face and from what I can tell you have talent and when I get famous and if you weren't straight, I'd totally consider you for a part as the Final Girl in one of my movies. I try not to work with hets, it's not personal, I promise.

IVY: i see

IVY: but just so you know, i have like two gay grandpas and i'm jewish so like when I'm inevitably the best and only option you can pull that info for the sake of being diverse

JOEY: Right, that was kind of nice! Last question of the show, did you guys have fun here? And if you say no, you're not allowed in my house anymore.

IVY: i'd never be banned from your house but yea this was like super fun!

LINK: It was a blast. I should point out though that this fondue cheese kinda tastes like, um....pure garbage. But I can look past that.

JOEY: Anyways, thanks for watching everyone and I'll see you next week for another Fondue for Two!

[The End]

#fondue for two #fft: episode ii #joey hummel-anderson #lincoln clarington-smythe #ivy st.james

8 notes · View notes

billcoberly · 8 years

Text

The Silliest Take of the Week: 1/22/2017

Last week was a busy week for Internet Writers, between MLK Day, Trump’s inauguration, and, of course, the U.S. premiere of the first episode of The Young Pope. Today, I’d like to spend a little time going through some harmlessly Silly Takes, perform a quick detour through a truly Rage Inducing Take that is not so much Silly as it is Patently Offensive, and finally, end with a succinct yet wonderful tweet. More of the Silly Takes this week were from conservative sources, but please don’t take that to mean that this project only mocks conservative Takes: everybody is capable of writing Silly Takes.

Don’t forget to submit your favorite silly pieces of Internet writing to [email protected]! I didn’t get very many submissions this week, so the pool of potential Silly Takes was mostly limited to stuff I found in my Internet travels. Thanks to Erin for submitting a Take!

Most Self-Loathing In An Obligatory Take For A Culture Site

Jen Chaney, “How Trumpish Is The Young Pope?” Vulture, 1/18/2017

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and Internet writers gotta write about The Young Pope and Donald Trump as often as possible. A lot of people did this, and I’m sure many of the resulting Takes were Silly, but this one takes (hah) the cake for me because it spends most of its wordcount apologizing for writing a Take on The Young Pope and Donald Trump. See, for instance:

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘Is every TV show analysis from now until 2020 going to invoke Donald J. Trump? I mean, sometimes a show about a pope with a kangaroo in his garden is just a show about a pope with a kangaroo in his garden.’”

Anyway, this Take is harmless, but I include it because it’s always nice when a Take is self-aware of its own silliness. You just know that this writer pitched this with a heavy heart and a sudden deep awareness of the many sad duties required of her as an Internet Opinion-Haver.

White People Saying Stupid Things About Race: MLK Day Edition

Roger Clegg, “Dr. King, Race Relations, and Obama’s Farewell Address,” National Review, 1/16/2017

Here’s a couple of sentences for you, from Roger Clegg’s piece about Obama’s farewell speech:

“In a word: Nothing can purport to be a serious discussion of race relations in this country unless it discusses out-of-wedlock birthrates, because it is the disparity in out-of-wedlock birthrates that now most drives other racial disparities.”

After a paragraph citing various statistics on birth rates among various demographic populations, Clegg adds that:

“Racism is a bad thing, and it still exists. But the president is right that only the delusional think it is anything like the problem it was 50 years ago. The principal impediment for those who would like to narrow our ongoing racial disparities is not racism; it’s the “70.4 percent” figure above. Obama had a duty to talk about that again, too, and he failed to do so.”

Is there any better way to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day than for a white dude to condescendingly tell off a black dude for not focusing on the important parts of racial inequality? At least, in a victory for equality and legitimate children everywhere, Clegg generously admitted that racism is “a bad thing.”

Most Incoherent Paean to Fascism

Karl Spence, “How Donald Trump and Friends Can Crush the Great Crime Wave,” National Review, 1/16/2017

T. Greg Doucette wrote about this piece over at Mimesis Law, and you should probably just read what he has to say about this fatuous, incoherent, and offensive mess of an article.

However, if you want to read my opinion (which, presumably, you do, given that you’re reading my blog) it’s here. In short: Karl Spence, who near as I can tell is just Some Jackass, has spent the last thirty years of his life advocating that the only way to stop the massive crime wave in America (that doesn’t exist, at least certainly not the way he describes it) is to bring back swift hangings. In so doing, he ignores the current state of criminal law, statistics, context, and common concepts of decency and due process.

He complains about Miranda rights, dismissively describing that case as granting “a right to receive helpful legal advice from detectives whose true job is to solve crimes,” joining the ranks of the many who think that the problem with our criminal justice system is just too much due process. He spends paragraph after paragraph talking about how great vigilantism used to be. He advocates for a constitutional amendment to restore swift executions.

But the piece de resistance of this mess is this paragraph:

“What of the fact that most criminals stop short of murder? After all, the thugs who victimized Hans and Emma Kabel didn’t kill them, though they might as well have done. How do you reach those people? With a rope. That’s because most robbers depend on the threat of murder to secure their victims’ compliance, as do many rapists. And aggravated assault is, in many if not most cases, simply unsuccessful murder. Hang murderers, and every hoodlum in the land will notice. And, like the outlaws who fled the vigilantes, they will change their behavior.”

“Hang murderers, and every hoodlum in the land will notice” is the sort of thing I’d expect the Sherriff of Nottingham to say, and “[h]ow do you reach those people? With a rope,” is pure masturbatory posturing. As other people have pointed out, this op-ed reads like it was written by Frank Castle.

This Take is Silly in the sense that its legal and empirical analyses (as discussed in detail by Doucette, above) are completely divorced from reality, but it’s not Silly in the sense that some otherwise serious people apparently just paid a man to espouse harmful, hateful, inaccurate nonsense about the criminal justice system in a major publication. This is a bad take, and Spence should be ashamed of himself, but the real villain here is the cowardly jackanape at National Review Online who agreed to run this piece. There are always going to be jackboot-fantasists who long for the days when the local constabulary would chop hands off for petty theft, but we don’t have to give them a platform.

The Silliest Take of the Week, 1/22/2017

Ross Douthat, A Tweet, Twitter, 1/17/2017

Ross Douthat writes for the New York Times as their Designated Conservative, which means that a lot of people hate him: liberals hate him for being conservative, and conservatives hate him for writing for the New York Times. I would feel more sorry for him if he didn’t say immensely silly things all the time.

Earlier this week, then-President Obama announced that he was commuting the majority of the rest of Chelsea Manning’s sentence. People had Thoughts about this, as you might expect, but Ross Douthat managed to squeeze the Silliest Take of the Week into less than 140 characters when he tweeted this:

I have stared at this tweet for a non-trivial number of hours over the last few days, trying to decipher its many mysteries, and I still have no idea what this means. What is the “coincidence?” Who is scripting history? Is he suggesting that Chelsea Manning is a member of the Illuminati?

Many people expressed confusion, but Douthat refused to clarify what this means in any follow up tweet or, to my knowledge, any writing since. Douthat, like any good performance artist, knows that the work needs to speaks for itself.

This, friends, is everything I want in a Silly Take. It’s an off-the-cuff response to a current event that is intended to really make you think, man, about the way the world works. It even uses scare quotes. It doesn’t make a lick of sense. It’s equal parts confusing and offensive.

This is perfection in Take Silliness, ladies and gentlemen. We may never see such a perfect specimen again. Congratulations to Ross Douthat for writing the Silliest Take of the Week, and winning a special place in my heart.

#STOW #Silliest Take of the Week

4 notes · View notes

junker-town · 7 years

Text

The 2018 SB Nation Hope Generator for the Despondent Sports Fan

Yes, 2017 was trash, but we’ve got some sports hope for you in the new year.

Soccer

Christian Pulisic is only 19 years old and, barring disaster, will have at least two more shots at a World Cup team as an American soccer player. # http://ift.tt/2A5gfSq

ATL United drew 886,000 people to watch soccer in Atlanta in its first season.

Weston McKinnie is only 19 years old and, barring disaster, he’ll have at least two more shots at a World Cup team as an American soccer player. # http://ift.tt/2A5gfSq

Lionel Messi is still one of the best soccer players in the world at the age of 30.

^ Cristiano Ronaldo is still one of the best soccer players in the world at the age of 32.

^ If either, or both, of these things makes you sad or angry: Neither one of these things can stay true for long.

The failure of the United States to make the World Cup hopefully means a complete demolition of everything wrong with American soccer. # http://ift.tt/2A5gfSq

We will all get to watch Fox hilariously work overtime on selling a World Cup to an American audience without the United States Men’s National Team in it. #http://ift.tt/2A5gfSq

Everyone will get to root for the team of their choice on their merits alone in this World Cup. # http://ift.tt/2A5gfSq

^ This should be Nigeria, of course, because Nigeria is the most entertaining soccer team, and deserves your love above all others.

A rabid, gluttonous soccer fan may now stream nearly every league’s games on the planet directly into their faces. (Legally, of course.) # http://ift.tt/2Cuat2E

^ You’d never stream illegally, we know that, we just want to clarify that. We’re not the police as far as you know.

Sports gambling will be legal everywhere, and you will be able to wager on anything from the comfort of your phone.

^ Sports gambling will be legal everywhere, and you will be able to make fun of your friends for being stupid enough to gamble on sports live from the social media accounts on your phone.

^ Sports gambling will be legal everywhere, meaning you can gamble on sports from jail with your contraband cell phone after you commit crimes to feed your sports gambling addiction.

MLB/Baseball

Baseball is actually a very healthy sport with strong local followings. It’ll be fine. Nothing else sells 162 games worth of ads per team. Nothing.

This is the part where we tell you to be very excited about a young baseball player—someone like Ronald Acuña, baby! (Grant Brisbee told me who he was, but he seems very exciting!) Baseball is fun.

College baseball is growing even if Mississippi State abandoned their glorious fire trap of a tailgating situation.

The best, most passionate, and underrated college sports playoff is the Women’s College World Series.

NASCAR/Auto racing

Auto racing is suffering, but it’s also the sport most likely to put you into a VR helmet, showing you exactly what a driver is seeing during a race in real time.

^ Did you just think about what this might look like during a rally car race? Get nauseated but excited thinking about what this would look like for an F1 race at Monaco? Auto racing might not be dead-dead yet.

Less money coming into NASCAR might mean a designed return to lawless racing and on-track brawling for ratings. This might be desperate. It might also be very entertaining.

^ A desperate need for viewers might also get NASCAR to do something serious about hiring diversity in the sport—and not just behind the wheel.

A car can still run at 200 miles per hour flat out at Talladega without touching the brake once.

NBA

The NBA is in a golden age and it’s so obvious that even saying this is already a cliche.

A 6’11” point guard who plays in Milwaukee can dunk from the three-point line in two steps—and does this pretty frequently.

Boogie Cousins and Anthony Davis play on the same team—and they might be the three spot on the menu on any given night on League Pass.

LeBron James is only 32 and still playing the best basketball of his life.

^ He also called the President “you bum” on Twitter, which made him the new President. LeBron James is now the first man to be President and also an MVP candidate.

The 76ers and Knicks are stocked with astonishing talents for years to come. No, really, that’s an accurate sentence.

James Harden is allowed to do whatever he wants on any night of the week in the city of Houston and it is a delight to watch.

Russell Westbrook exists, and sometimes that alone is enough to keep going.

The NBA has MVP-grade talent from Greece, Los Angeles, Cameroon, Akron, Latvia, and Washington, D.C.

Someday someone will love you like John Wall loves Washington, D.C., and the Wizards. And like D.C. and the Wizards, you won’t deserve it. (But you’ll take it.) # http://ift.tt/2A6oeyy

Doris Burke is calling NBA games.

The NBA on TNT is still the best wraparound sports TV show even if Charles Barkley has been phoning it in hard for like 10 years now.

The NBA playoffs are still incredible.

College basketball

The good news for college basketball is that the FBI should be done with things in three to four years, tops.

^ That’s it, there’s really not a whole lot else to be optimistic about here.

NFL

The Chiefs offense under Andy Reid uses every cool play from college football and makes it work at the pro level, which is fun.

^ Andy Reid is also using Alex Smith to run it because Andy Reid understands comedy and football.

Tom Brady operating the Patriots’ offense is a marvel to behold, and Brady is the most graceful quarterback of all time.

^ No one has to admit that Tom Brady The Football Player is good publicly but we can all share this here on the internet where no one can see it.

^ He’s starting a second career as a new age fitness grifter, true, but none of that should interfere too much with watching him instantly recognize the weak point in a defense and putting a ball on a receiver with jaw-dropping accuracy.

Von Miller comes off the edge every Sunday like he’s speed skating in hell and racing one inch ahead of the devil.

Julio Jones is healthy, magnificent, and in 2017 was evidently saving up touchdowns for your future entertainment.

Aaron Rodgers is infinitely more fun to watch than Tom Brady, just as good, actually has a sense of humor, and will never try to sell you a two hundred dollar cookbook.

Aaron Donald could be the United States’ representative for every Olympic sport—all of them, winter or summer—and we would win just as many medals, if not more.

^ Yes, including rhythmic gymnastics.

^ Maybe especially rhythmic gymnastics.

NFL cities appear less susceptible to giving cities taxpayer-subsidized stadiums than ever before.

Russell Wilson is a joy to watch work even if he is the NFL’s most Fanny Pack-ass Player. Maybe because he is the NFL’s Most Fanny Pack-ass Player.

^ He’d be even more incredible if he had more than three offensive lineman protecting him at any time.

The Bills will continue exist to validate your feelings about management being incompetent.

^ The Browns will continue to exist to validate your feelings about life being unfair, and also about management being incompetent.

^ The Patriots will continue to exist to prove your suspicion that only four people ever really own anything, and that you definitely aren’t one of them.

^ The Saints will continue to exist in order to remind you that other people are always having more fun somewhere without you.

Randy Moss is working as a paid football commentator.

Steve Young recently bit the head off a fish on air. It’s not all hopeless on the TV side. # http://ift.tt/2CrfFo1

At least Jerry Jones has the generosity to be a properly insane New Gilded Age billionaire for entertainment purposes.

Players are retiring earlier and earlier, which is a very, very good thing if the NFL is not going to fix itself for the long haul.

The NFL’s ratings falling might get the NFL to try and rebuild the sport for the long haul. # http://ift.tt/2A8NdBC

^ They probably won’t do this. But it’s nice to hope for the best from people, isn’t it? Delusional, but nice.

NHL

The NHL still has the most epic playoff in all of sport, even if it does destroy sleep schedules, productivity at work, and occasionally downtown Vancouver.

Doc Emrick could make a cockroach race sound like the Kentucky Derby’s last 30 furlongs. # http://ift.tt/2CsPMnX

Theoretically speaking, Gary Bettman can’t be commissioner forever.

^ Until then, booing Gary Bettman remains one of sports’ most reliable and respected traditions.

CFB

If an Alabama fan: Nick Saban shows no signs of retiring.

^ If you are anyone else: Eventually, one day, Nick Saban will have to retire and stop coaching Alabama football.

No one in the sport has gotten smaller, slower, or less talented—except for you, the viewer.

There is more college football on that one human being could possibly watch and that’s before you even get to the Pac-12 playing four games at 3 a.m. on a Sunday.

Several court cases could destroy amateurism as we know it, and get players a piece of the very large and unshared college sports revenue pie.

More and more people are recognizing Big Red, the greatest mascot in college athletics, and becoming aware of the good work he’s done. # http://ift.tt/2A8NeWc

The passing of time means everyone gets a day closer to the return of the NCAA Football video game franchise.

^ We’re not saying it’s going to happen. But if it does, well buddy you’re getting closer to it whether you like it or not.

Justice Hill at Oklahoma State is just a sophomore.

Khalil Tate at Arizona is just a sophomore.

Chip Kelly is coming back! At UCLA!

RB J.K. Dobbins at Ohio State is just a freshman and already has a 1,000-yard season.

No matter what happens—fall of society, collapse of civilization, flooding of the land by the rising sea—the Iron Bowl will happen in the final week of the regular season.

^ We’re very serious about this. They’ll grow gills. #RollDamnMerpeople

Misc/general

The sport of grappling will become an entire growth industry all by itself—mostly because it already is.

The World Tag Championships is the real sport of the future and that’s fine because watching two people play tag in an obstacle course is way, way more entertaining than it has any right to be.

There are more women’s sports on broadcast television than ever, and with higher ratings and better funding than ever before, too.

Serena Williams will come back to tennis after giving birth to a child and taking a full year off at minimum and still beat the brakes off Maria Sharapova in straight sets. # http://ift.tt/2CuVtBJ

E-sports will gradually become more comprehensible to the general viewer. # http://ift.tt/2A6JHrd

^ Even if it doesn’t become more comprehensible, it will become louder and more frequently broadcast, and sometimes that’s enough to get everyone adequately addicted.

Lavar Ball’s Senate campaign will be wild.

There will be actual competition for ESPN in the sports sphere. (It won’t be in the major sports, but still.)

Golf will continue to enable our nation’s most luxurious and sometimes dramatic couch naps.

With peer-to-peer economy, guess who the next AirBnB of the San Diego Chargers is? Well, it’s you.

^ This may not be an exaggeration. The Chargers might need to spend a few nights at your place.

Drones! There are just gonna be drones everywhere with cameras, and the best part will be watching them run out of juice and crash into the middle of live games. # http://ift.tt/2CtNbKE

You and your friends might be able to crowdfund that competitive MarioKart league you’ve been talking about for years. # http://ift.tt/2A6JHrd

^ You and your friends will probably not do too much jail time for encroaching on the copyright territory of the Nintendo corporation.

With a GoPro, anyone can become an extreme athlete! Except for you, you’re probably just going to hurt yourself, stop that.

Roger Federer has all the money he will ever need and is past his athletic prime, thus allowing others to flourish in his prestigious wake. # http://ift.tt/2CuVtBJ

^ That said, Roger Federer will probably win a Grand Slam this year at the age of 36.

0 notes