#suddenly remembering why as a deancas shipper I am NOT in deancas fandom

[someoneoffthestreet]

I see we have reached the point in the metas where we’re erasing the weight of Cas’ actions in favor of dumping everything onto Dean (((: how nice

[herefortheships]

Tonight is it. Tonight is the series finale of Supernatural. 

When I started watching this show in 2009, I had no idea the impact it would later have in my life. I owe so much to Supernatural, and especially Destiel, for the person I became. This show basically feels like a part of me, and even though I did fall out of love with it for some time, I never stopped watching it, because Sam, Dean, Cas, and later Jack, meant so much to me, even though I didn’t like the story/plot anymore, I cared to see how their stories would end. 

I had never gotten this emotionally involved with a TV show in my life. I’d say I got even more involved than Buffy, which is the other big TV show in my life. The difference probably lies on the fact that I binge watched Buffy, but I watched Supernatural real-time for 11 years. 

Here is my story with Supernatural:

I first heard of the show from one of my best friends at University. She was a huge fan. She recommended the show to me in 2008. She showed me images she had saved of Dean and Sam, and told me the basics of it; she was a Wincest shipper (later converted to a Destiel shipper), so her biggest investment in SPN was the brothers. I didn’t think Dean and Sam (Jensen and Jared) were as handsome as she thought they were. haha But she was crazy about them! I didn’t really get interested in watching the show; it didn’t exactly sound like something I’d watch.

Later, in 2009, my mom left the TV on as we sorted the laundry, and Supernatural was playing on TNT. My mom is a huge fan of Charmed, and she would always watch the Charmed reruns on TNT. She left it on and Supernatural started, and she got interested so she kept watching it. I don’t remember exactly which episode was playing (maybe the Wendigo episode? Not sure, but it was an early season episode). And after that day, we kind of started watching it out of order. 

I became really interested in the show and kept watching it after that day with my mom and sisters, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself a fan. I mean, I was a fan, but I still wasn’t that emotionally invested. When I could finally watch the entire show up to that point in order until Swan Song, that’s when I was already emotionally invested. I had become a “Sam!girl” and I cared so much about what was going to happen next. I was really happy when I found that a season 6 was happening and Sam was alive and out of Hell, and I was really happy to see that it was Sera Gamble running it, because her episodes had been my favorite. (I regretted being excited about Sera Gamble later though lol). 

During season 6 it’s when I started to notice Destiel. Or at least, I started noticing that Castiel was in love with Dean. In my mind, though, there was no way Dean was in love with Cas because for me back then, Dean was straight. I was also raised very conservative and catholic, so for me back then, homosexuality was a sin and it made me uncomfortable to think about it. Especially when deep inside, I wondered if I was not straight myself and I was scared about it--I knew I wasn’t exactly straight, but I was afraid to even consider the possibility (turns out, I’m asexual--I’ll get to that in a minute). For me Dean was straight even if Cas did love him. I started hearing about Destiel around that time in the internet, too. And my sister from the moment she saw Cas’ intro she was like “that’s Dean’s man”, though I thought she was joking. I saw Destiel art for the first time under Facebook posts, and I remember replying to those posts that it was beautiful art, but “the show is about Sam and Dean, about the brothers” (How dumb was I. lol).

So, I watched through seasons 6 and 7, and around this time Cas had become a favorite character for me, and seeing what Sera Gamble did with the character really hurt me. I hated the Megstiel fling they wrote for Cas, and hated what happened to Cas in season 7 when he lost his mind. That was painful to watch (I especially hated the Megstiel in season 7, it felt like... rape? If you know what I mean, since Cas wasn’t okay in his mind I felt like she could take advantage of him... That’s another conversation for another time, though). I had fallen out of love with Supernatural for the first time during season 7. But watching Supernatural had become something obvious for me and my family, you know? We’d always watch it, even if I wasn’t enjoying the story anymore. So, when season 8 started, we were right there to watch. 

And that’s when I really, really, saw Destiel happen right before my eyes. It was episode 8x02, and Dean remembered the moment he found Cas in Purgatory. That scene, that moment... I ran to my sister’s room (who was no longer interested in Supernatural), and I told her. I told her Destiel is real. I started researching online to see if other people really considered Destiel as a serious ship, or if it was just a for fun ship, as I had thought until then. And that’s how I came across Tumblr. I found Destiel Meta about season 7. And it made so much sense. Like, even season 7, which I hated and didn’t make sense to me, started to make sense! As a matter of fact, it only made sense when I looked at it through a Destiel lens. I found this huge community of people who saw Destiel and hoped for it to happen in canon. People who, like me, would only ship relationships that had potential for canon, and saw this in Destiel. I found, I am not imagining this; it’s really there. Dean and Castiel really have a shot at being together in canon. 

I also discovered the word “asexual” and what it means thanks to the reading of Castiel as asexual, during this time in late 2012, and I could finally define myself after wondering for years if I was actually a lesbian and I still hadn’t really defined it, though I liked boys but not in a sexual way. I found the term asexuality and I finally knew where I fit. I learned SO much through Destiel, and Tumblr, about sexuality and sexual orientations, about gender, about identity and representation, about the struggles and fight of the LGBTQ community... I can honestly say I am a better person today thanks to this ship. This is why representation matters so much.

Moving on, I fell out of love with Supernatural again during season 9. But by this time, I was too emotionally invested in these characters to quit the show. Seasons 10 was the same. I didn’t care much. Season 11... I was really uncomfortable with the Amara thing, given she was shown as a baby and Dean had this sexual connection to her... It was so darn weird. But then I realized something: Amara was an object that was there to develop Destiel even more?? And I got interested in SPN again, but I was treading carefully, because I felt like this show was kind of always baiting the fandom with Destiel, never to deliver in the end. I cared again, but never like I used to care back during season 8. 

Season 8 was my peak as a Supernatural and Destiel fangirl. During season 11 it was when I realized that I only cared about the characters now, but predominantly, I only cared about DeanCas at this point. The storylines were not engaging anymore, and some themes had become repetitive, because everything had been explored with these characters, except for the DeanCas romance (in a textual way). I wanted to see if their relationship was ever going to be acknowledged somehow in the show. 

Since season 11, up until November 5th, 2020, season 15 episode 18, I was watching Supernatural casually, just to see what would become of the characters and especially what would become of Destiel. I thought the MOST we were ever going to get was something ambiguous and easy to dismiss. Something like hand holding at MOST, but realistically, a glance that shippers could say meant more, but haters could easily dismiss. And then, 15x18 happened: Castiel confessed his love to Dean Winchester, in a final sacrifice of love. Cas said “I love you” after saying all these beautiful things about Dean and all the reasons why he fell in love with him. How Dean changed him for good. 

Suddenly, everything was possible. Suddenly, Destiel could really happen. It didn’t matter that Castiel was dead, because Castiel has been dead before too many times, and so has Dean (lol). Cas had to come back! And Dean would say those words back. 

All of those years, we were right! Destiel was truly a love story. 

I was okay for years, if Destiel never went canon, I didn’t mind anymore, because they were canon to me. I never even dreamed we’d get a canon love confession, and even less did I consider we’d be getting such a beautiful and epic love confession as the one we got. 

Now, as I wait for the finale episode in the series, I expect Destiel will be fully canon tonight. As I wait, I am a bundle of nerves and anticipation for the first time in years, in wait for a new episode. I am once again emotionally invested in these characters like I was years ago. Because now, Dean and Cas really do have a shot at being together at the end of this story. Now it’s no longer a fan fantasy and hope; now it’s real. Destiel is real. Destiel is canon. I have to say, after the way they have set up the story, I will be incredibly disappointed if it doesn’t resolve the way I hope, with a DeanCas happy ending. I cannot forgive a one-sided Destiel ending when they could have just let us have our headcanons at the end of the show. But at least we know Destiel was always real, and it was mentioned in the show, so it’s now indisputable that this was always a love story. That’s the up side. Castiel has confessed his feelings for Dean; he was canonically in love with Dean all this time and his rebellion against Heaven was all for Dean, and nobody can take that away from us now. In my heart I know, Dean is also in love with Cas, and that will be one of my takeaways from this show, especially now that Cas has come out and said the words. If I was right about Cas loving Dean, I am right about Dean loving Cas. 

As I wait for the series finale, I know in my heart, Supernatural will always be special for me. Not only because of Destiel, but because of all the years watching it with my mom and sisters and finding the fandom and participating in a fandom for the first time in my life. It was fun, and it was life-changing. 

I am incredibly grateful to Supernatural, this fandom, and especially Destiel. I am a better person because of this fandom, and I have zero regrets having been a part of this. (Even when I complain about Supernatural all the time! haha).

Super long ramble, and probably I could have worded this better, but I had to write something today, as it is the final day of Supernatural.

Let us hope for a happy ending. 

~ Des., November 19th, 2020