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a-chaos-god-and-a-warden · 5 months

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(Merry late Christmas)

Chapter 1: Introduction

What a horrible thing, boredom. Boredom in superjail? Even worse. Superjail never has static days, the Warden would never allow that, but somehow boredom still found it's way into his mind. He already checked with the doctor's new developments, Alice is on a date with that same idiotic animal, and getting entertainment from Jared was a dead end. Just how many pyramids of plastic animals is he going to make today? At this point his office has full of them. Looking out his window,

"Maybe superjail needs a lil-"

A large flash of light followed by a loud bang like thunder and lightning.

"What the hell!?"

Smoke emerges from one of the cell blocks, specifically cell block #35. Something is strange about the smoke, it's slightly blue?

The Warden turns and heads towards the office door, stepping over the ruin remains of his animal pyramids,

"Dammit! I spent all day making those pyramids what a waste! JARED!"

Outside his door, the little man was already there. Jared has holding paper containing, honestly who cares.

"Jared! Don't tell its the Mistress and her stupid ship again!"

"No sir, it's something else entirely! There's already speculation that it could be an alien!"

Curiosity peaked in the Warden's eyes,

"An alien? Well then let's give this alien an earthly welcome! After all we're the first humans they'll meet! Let me do the introductions Jared!"

They hastily make their way towards the crash site,

"But sir! We don't know anything about this being! What if it's hostile?

"Well Jared I guess there's only one way to find out!"

Around them inmates run past them in a panic, and up ahead the one and only woman runs with them. Although not away from what ever is causing panic, but to join the two men,

"Ah Alice! Did you get anything on our 'visitor'?"

"I don't know. The fucking inmates are acting like lil bitches. It got too crowded and I couldn't run that way I had to ride with the current, or whatever."

The warden puts an hand on Alice's shoulder, which Alice shoves off,

"It's okay Alice, I totally understand! You did your best! Which is more then Jared does, now where's Jailbot?"

As if in cue, Jailbot bursts in leaving a Jailbot hole in the wall. The debris flys, smashing running inmates. For some reason never hitting the staff,

"Speak of the devil! Jailbot you wouldn't happen to know what this is?"

Jailbot, despite not actually saying any words, beeps a no,

"Well in that case I guess the only thing left to do is to meet this thing!"

"But sir!-"

"Shut up Jared!"

Off they went towards where all of the commotion start. Getting close to the crash site, they see that the broken walls pieces are growing legs? Some have eyes?

"Sir let's turn back! We can get jailbot to exterminate this thing!"

"And start a universal war? I think not!"

Finally they arrive at the crash site. There's a huge yellow pyramid straight out of Egypt, but there's limbs and a top hat. By the way the limbs and the hat were positioned, one would assume what ever this thing is was lying face down.

The Warden feels disappointed at the fact that this thing is dead. At least the docter would have fun dissecting it. Still, being ambassadors for earth was such a fun daydream,

"Uh, I think it's dead"

"You may be right Alice, such a s-"

Suddenly the thing starts moving. First using it's arms to lift itself up, revealing a bowtie, and a single eye. It also revealed a crack next it's bowtie. The thing was murmuring something about,

"Damn it I can't believe they gave me a crack, fucking cheapskates"

Suddenly the creature shrunk, from pyramid to a bright 2 dimensional triangle. The crack in it's bricks disappeared. The thing readjusted it's hat and bowtie and spawned a cane out of thin air. The Warden was astonished,

"Oh my how distinguished!"

The creature pointed at the Warden,

"Hey you! Eggplant! I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're the man in charge of this place! Where am I?"

The warden was admittedly taken back by the comment. Not the worst thing he's been called but possibly one of the oddest,

"Well, haha, I'm not an eggplant. My name is actually the Warden, and you're in Superjail!"

He makes a little demonstration via a rainbow graphic.

The odd triangle squints his eye, "Superjail huh..." And suddenly, a flurry of images flash on his bricks. Images that were definitely superjail. His eye suddenly widens,

"Superjail! You've got a nice prison going on here Eggplant!"

The rainbow graphic above the Warden’s head withers and dies like that plant you're not watering as his smile dwindled,

"again, not Eggplant"

Bill spins his cane nonchalantly,

"sure thing Eggplant"

"It's not Eggplant"

"Okay Eggplant"

"Not Eggplant!"

"uh-huh"

"well nuh-UH"

The Warden debates in his head whether he should argue or just let it slide. His name, The Warden, means a lot to him. It's quite the title, it's powerful dammit! Why not play at this strange triangle's game?

"Well sir uh, ah, Weirdangle! Yeah that fits. You've destroyed a part of my prison Sir Weirdangle. That's destruction of private property! I should arrest you!"

Sir Weirdangle gives The Warden a blank stare before bursting into laughter, his odd body curling in as he holds his stomach(?) and laughs. Now it could be laughing because of the nickname or the audacity of the threat. Both options made The Warden feel small in a way.

"Sir" Jared whispered, "there's something disturbing about this thing!"

The Warden waves Jared off, "Shh, dont be rude!!"

Sir Weirdangle stops laughing to give The Warden an amused stare,

"Real funny Eggplant! You ought to be a comedian!"

The Warden contrasted this stare with an unamused stare,

"I wasn't joking Sir Weirdangle"

The triangle floated closer to The Warden so that they were on eye level,

"Please, Call me Bill, Bill Cipher!'

Bill held his hand for The Warden to shake. The Warden withdrew his hands with disgust,

"I'm not shaking your hand! What if you have alien cooties?"

Bill gave him a questioning look,

"Alien cooties? What? First off, not physically possibly. Second you humans have more cooties and little organisms crawling on your face than any 'alien' I've ever encountered!"

The Warden look at Bill with a bit of concerned, looked to his hands, and back at Bill

"You're just saying that! That can't be true! I shower everyday mind you!"

Cipher shook his head? Body?

"nuh-uh it's the truth. No amount of showering will ever wash off the mites living in your eyelashes"

"WHAT"

"relax, it's not like they're harmful'

The Warden raised an eyebrow and decided ignorance was bliss and to let it go.

And now,

they reached a dead end,

in conversation.

The almost forgotten staff members looked at each other in a, 'so now what?' until Alice sighed,

"I'm going back to my r-"

"NO!" The Warden had a random burst of energy, quite literally, sparks were flying.

The others looked at him confused.

The Warden had too high expectations from the short time they walked here to give up on this interaction,

"I'm sorry, um, Will Piper. This is on me honestly. I must have been too preoccupied by the feeling of xenophobia to focus what this really is all about!"

Bill raised an eyebrow,

"You got my name wrong but continue."

The Warden waved his arms in the air,

"THE DISCOVERY OF SOMETHING NEW! You're an alien! You fell put of the sky like an- wait did you fall out of the sky? That part was never clear."

Bill shrugged,

"well in a way. I was actually body slammed here from another dimension by this annoying demigo-"

The Warden waved him off

"Doesn't matter. Anyways, you're a completely new thing! And that is exactly what Superjail needed before you arrived!"

As The Warden said this he put his arms in the air emitting glitter everywhere that will never get out of anyone's clothes

Bill waved away the glitter with some of it still sticking to his bowtie,

"That’s great Eggplant, but listen I can't stay here for long. I'm pretty busy! Who knows who'd want to make another deal next?"

The Warden was struggling,

"Well how long DO you have? I could give you a tour! A grand tour of Superjail! I could show you all the places, the corners, the ends, the kinks and the dinks. The whole zinks!"

The triangle's eye swirled in his socket as he thought about it,

"HmmmmmmmmmmMMMMmmmmmmMMMMMM hm hmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMmm hm hm HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm oh why the heck not!"

The Warden spun around at those words,

"Brilliant! Jailbot!"

The bot beeped back in response

"Let's go on tour!" The Warden gestures for Jailbot to come over.

To which it does so it floats over and then turns into a floating carriage with three rows of seats, only two of these rows will be used. The Warden jumps into the first row and excitingly pats the seat behind him while gesturing Bill to come over. Bill then does a funny thing. He fazes through the floor, The Warden stops his motions,

"Bob?"

"It's Bill, Eggplant"

Bill had fazed upwards through Jailbot and onto the second row. Warden jolted,

"Gah!"

"Sweet ride you got here Eggplant."

"Ah- uh well yes! Jailbot here is the sweetest ride there is! Figuratively and literally! Now then, onwards Jailbot!"

And Jailbot did go onwards, straight into a wall, leaving Jared and Alice to think about what to do next.

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"Over there is where we have our infamous superbar! You should go sometime. Aaand over there is where the cafeteria is! Oh! Oh! That's my office in that tower over there! Ooo that cell block is where the Gays are located. Also-"

"The gays?

They had been floating above Superjail for a while as The Warden pointed out little bits of his jail and Bill was leaned forward to listen.

"Yeah the gays!"

"Is this a cult or something? What is it?"

The Warden shrugged,

"No they're just a gay couple"

Bill raised his eyebrow,

"Okay, but what makes them stand out from other gays? Isn't this an all male prison? What makes them special?"

"They are, they just are."

Bill leans back,

"Well how?"

The Warden was fumbling,

"ack- uhm- they're- I'll just show you"

Warden faces forward,

"Jailbot find the gays"

Jailbot does just that as the thing sinks downwards to where the gays resided. It then wrecked the wall of the lovely home(prison cell) of the gays. Paul was the first to notice...

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Jean was the second,

"OUR WAL- what is that!?"

The Warden gestures towards Bill,

"This is Bill! So Bill these are the gays!"

Bill squints,

"uh-huh, nice. Hey are your walls always this gray?"

The Warden turns to Bill while ignoring the complants of the gays,

"Hm? Well yeah, why?"

"It's dull, change it, like..."

Bill reached out to touch the wall outside the cell and then it exploded in streams of orange, yellow, pink, and red. The Warden's head poked out of the cell as he watched these streams that flowed through the wall,

"Oh I get what you mean! Oh! I have something to add on!"

He pushed the cell's bars to get through and let go of them as they snapped back into place like rubber bands behind him. The Warden walked up to the now colorful wall. He tapped one of the orange streams and led it upwards straight up until it blossomed green. Bill had slid out of the cell easily considering he was a flat shape,

"Wowza! Make more!"

"Right on!"

And he did. The Warden had made four other trees among the streams of warm colors. He backtracked towards Bill,

"What should we add?"

Bill shrugs,

"It's your wall."

The Warden clasps his hands together,

"How about a sky? Blue? No!"

"Of course not! It should be completly random!"

"You're right, you're right. BUT WHAT COLOR!"

"hmm..." Bill squints, "you ever hear of shmerulean?"

Warden turns to Bill,

"No, what is that?"

"It's a color"

"A color I haven't heard of? Show me!"

With a snap of Bill's fingers their colorful painting had a sky, with a very odd color that made The Warden's head feel funny,

"Wow! It's beautiful! We should have more walls of Superjail painted! Specifically whatever this color is!"

The Warden reached for Bill's hand to pull him so they can find more wall to make murals on, however when he went to grab it there seemed to be a blue electric wall. This force field shocked The Warden and sent him flying.

"Yikes," Bill floated over to where The Warden had landed, "totally forgot I had a force field for strangers on, my bad!" he shrugs.

The Warden rubbing the back of his head and being dizzy asked, "Ughh.. why do you have that?"

Again Bill shrugged, "why wouldn't I? You run a prison, you should know how it is! Can't trust anyone's mini limbs attached to limbs!'

"I guess..."

The Warden helps himself up and shakes himself and returns to his old self. He almost makes the same mistake before retracting his hand,

"Lets make more of these paintings!"

"What about that tour?"

"Forget about the tour! This is obviously much more important!"

"I like the way you think funny man!"

The chaotic two went down the cell block painting the walls, the ceiling, the inmates, anything they thought were plain that by their words, 'could use a touch up'.

Amidst the fun Bill felt and heard his bowtie ring. This made The Warden stop and turn. Usually Bill's bowtie rings when someone tries to summon him, Bill looks to see who it is. You can never tell with these prank callers nowadays.

Oh it's the henchmaniacs.

Oh.

Oh right.

Oh no.

"What is that?" The Warden points to the bowtie.

Bill says matter-a-fact-ly, "it's a bowtie, Eggplant"

"Well I know that, what's it doing?"

"Someone's calling me" Bill removes his bowtie.

"You can get calls on your tie? Lucky! I sould have Jared get me on-"

"Shh!"

Bill holds the tie to his ear. Ear? Dumbass, he doesn't have a ear. Anyways, sounds like little murmurs come from the other end. Bill promptly responds,

"Yellow? Hey Kryptos! Yep, listen I'll tell you what happened when I come back. Yep. Bye!"

Bill hangs up and seethes,

"I gotta go... I got a bunch of suckers who thought I died."

The Warden frowned,

"Wha-? You can't stay for even a bit longer? What about the tour?"

Bill shrugs,

"Sorry, can't have the press going to them."

"The press? What press?"

"Space press, listen I had fun Eggplant but I got-"

The Warden suddenly got real close to Bill,

"Waitwaitwait, will you be back? Can you be back? I was, like, suuper bored before you came here and you're leaving already even though you just got here! Pleasssseeee?"

Will he be back? Great question! Bill most definitely wanted to be back. He stared at The Warden blankly as he thought about it,

"Lets make a deal about it."

"Huh?"

Bill held his hand out and a blue flame burst out of it,

"I'll come back if you continue that tour, wanna shake on it?"

The Warden stared the the onfire hand for a few seconds before pointing to it,

"Is that going to burn me?"

"No."

"Am I gonna get shocked again?"

"No."

The Warden hesitantly reached for Bill's hand like it was going to bite him. He reached it and nothing! No burns, no shock. The Warden continued the motion of shaking hands and watched as the fire grew bigger before it began to grow colorful. Bill seemed perplexed by this,

"What the fu-"

Bill bursts into color, rainbows fly out of him. He looks like hes having a seizure. Bill quickly yanks his hand away,

"Youch! Didn't your parents ever teach you how to control that?"

The Warden looked at his hand confused by what just happened,

"Control what?"

Bill threw his hands his hand up in the air,

"Well ya'know! Your magic or powers, or whatever people call it in these parts."

The Warden shook his head,

"When I told my old man about it he caled me a schizophrenic."

Bill raised his eyebrow,

"Huh, interesting. How about I give you some pointers when I come back hm?"

The Warden gasped as his coattails curled,

"You'd do that?"

"Yeah sure, why not?"

"Oh Bill!"

The Warden leaped to hug Bill but he forgot the forcefield and was sent flying to the wall. Bill is not going to do anything about that,

"Yikes. Anyways, remember! Realty is a illusion, the universe is a hologram," a blue portal appears behind him as he slowly floats towards it, "buy gold, BYEEE" and there he goes.

The Warden stared on in astonishment. How inspirational, how interesting, how cool most of all! This Bill guy had to be one of the coolest guys hes ever met! A little weird but who isn't?

The Warden looked around aorund him to stare at the murals they both made and was dissapointed to see- Oh great, Jared.

"Sir how are we going to remove all this graiff-"

"GRAFFITI!?" The Warden stood up, "you call this graffiti!? Why Jared these are murals! Fine pieces of art made by me and my new friend Bill!"

This information shocked Jared,

"Wait so we're keeping these? Don't you think this is too much for a pri-" slow head turn, "You befriended it?"

The Warden smiled widely reminiscing on moments from not long ago,

"I did Jared, I know making friends isn't something you'd know much about so I get the confusion."

Jared shook his head, mentally brushing off the passive aggressive comment,

"No, no sir! You don't think befriending a creature like that would have some consequences? Did you forget what it did to superjail just by arriving sir? I mean-"

The Warden waved him off,

"Psh, Jared. You're too much of a worry-wort. You better not have this attitude when Bill comes back-"

"WHEN IT COMES BACK!?!"

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Now back at the nightmare realm, Bill spawns in a building by his design. A pyramid of course. It has about a billion rooms with even more hallways. It's not like a lot of those rooms are used much anyways. Speaking of used rooms most of the henchmaniacs where in the main room, or to be called the living room. They were on the human skin couches watching the news, except Kryptos who was pacing. He was to first to notice Bill had returned,

"Boss you're back!"

Bill nonchalantly waves, "Hey Kryptos"

Of course Kryptos's exclamation and the spind of Bill's voice caused the rest of the gang to turn around,

"He's back!"

"Wow we thought you died!"

"Where did you go?"

Bill crosses his arms,

"Well now that hurts my feelings!", he says sarcastically of course, "You really think a runt of a demi-god could kill me?"

the gang practically shrinks with their slow 'nooooo's

Teeth speaks up,

"Boss where did you go though, ya'know, after what happened?"

Bill shrugs,

"I landed on some piss-ant asteroid that crumbled on impact and I'll be honest gang I may or may not have let out my anger on a few neighboring planets."

Teeth let's out a, "yeesh"

Bill turns and floats to the entrance to one of many hallways,

"Now if you'll excuse me I need my mandatory seventeen hours of me-time"

He floats away vaguely listening to whatever the henchmaniacs are whispering about him, Bill doesn't really care. He continues down what might as well be a maze of hallways. The walls have brick patterns because what else would they have had. Eventually Bill reaches his room, a black triangle shaped doorway with golden accents. He makes a dramatic entrance into his own room, for future occasions, he thinks to himself. Now with the door closed behind him he is truly alone.

This blankless of solitude brings memories of today's events flowing through Bill's mind. Whatever that place was it was earth, but separated. Wouldn't he be lucky if that demi-god somehow body slammed him past earth's blockade? Bill would be able to start his plans early! It's definitely a pocket dimension, no not a pocket dimension, more like a bubble dimension. Made by that Warden. The Warden... fun guy! Bill just wished his glasses weren't tainted, then he'd be able to see straight through him. See who The Warden really was. Judging how the guy used his powers looks like to Bill that he doesn't exactly know what he is either. Could prove convenient to Bill. He could be a worthy investment. Not only that but he seemed like a fun guy, type of guy Bill would love to party with.

#bill cipher #gravity falls #superjail #superjail!#warden superjail #the warden #superjail warden #billden #superjail jailbot #superjail jared #superjail alice

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