#sysrandom

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every day im saying things. and unfortunately people are hearing them. and then sometimes even remembering them.

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humans are such smartasses i love em

i love humanity and our weird obsession with making drinking various liquids very hard to drink, for the fun of it

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(with a strained attempt at a seductive tone) thats right babe, its just you, me, and these 150+ compiler errors that need to be fixed for me to even run the tests to see what this change broke

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alas, pour one out, folks, my mothers fear that i was dating that one guy she didn't like has finally been overpowered by wondering if im dating anyone. it was a good (9) year run but we've exited gaslight and are entering the gatekeep era, boys (gatekeeping knowledge of my gayness, to be clear)

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my brain and mental state MIGHT be doing a petulant freefall for many reasons, some of which i have yet to decipher, but two of my coworkers complimented me on being extremely articulate and nice to listen to in meetings so it all evens out 😌

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this is the most excellent thing

Animal Reviews!

Source: facebook.com

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took like TWO YEARS to finish mirrors edge, but i finally did it, three cheers and a tumblr post to commemorate.

primary thoughts:

1- good fucking god, the music and game design are just. 👌👌👌👌👌👌

2- I Wish I Was Not So Bad At This Game I Would Feel So Cool All The Time In It.

3- I think I'm allowed to buy merch for this game now right. im allowed to buy things and emulate Faith. i can wear my M.E shirt without feeling like a poser. i can go get a M.E jacket. right. ...

4- the entire plot of over-aggressive security forces and horrifically pervasive surveillance system throughout the city really just hits Peak Unease for me. haha very funny what do you mean this was written in 2008, fucking dammit, DICE.

5- im absolutely going to try to vault over/climb something i shouldnt in the next day or two and potentially bang up my shin, but its fine because #parkour!!!!! parkourrrrrrrr

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had a conversation with coworkers about the possibility of layoffs and then came home and realized the forbidden west collectors box with statues and an artbook that i'd seen over the weekend was so cheap bc its currently 50% off and had a mild crisis over not buying it and now ive ordered one. for 100 dollars. doing swell.

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*holds myself at swordpoint* its going to be FINE and youre going to be FINE, you ANXIOUS SHIT.

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"wild that i have a deep abiding, all consuming love for characters trying So Hard All The Time To Not Lose Their Shit" i say, constantly on the edge of losing my shit. "who could have foreseen my fascination with characters who are desperately holding onto their composure with a white knuckled grip" i say, pointedly ignoring my brain attempting to kneecap me with 15 different issues.

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i should maybe wait till i finish the dlc to do this, but NAHW its okay. having finished the main storyline of Control, a smattering of thoughts, just for future me:

- fucking HELL, environmental design, my beloved. every single environmental artist and level design engineer and etc in this game has my whole heart. the different deparments! the POSTERS! people doing office shit melded with the utter FUCK ALL absurdity, people complaining in correspondences and emails to each other, people being /people/ told through levels and background details. The agents bitching in the executive area. Actual scribblings on whiteboards. The little "LETS DO WORK!" sign with the little "NO!!" post it note under it! Like. Oh. I always love stopping and looking at text around the game, signs and throwaway text and little shit, and by /god/ does this game reward you for doing it.

- the game mechanics and powers are like. wishfufillment to the max. holy shit. the telekenesis and launching is exactly as fun as it looks (moreso, with the lock on!). The gun recharging its own ammo given time is the Best Fucking Thing Ever. and the FLYING. the flying is the best approximation ive ever seen of how flying works in my dreams. (not permanently, cuts out sometimes, but its COOL while its happening). The Anchor fight? Fucking incredible.

- the worldbuilding is astonishing. genuinely astonishing. idk what to say beyond that

- THE ASHTRAY MAZE <3 ASHTRAY MAZE SECTION MY BELOVED <3 MUSIC AND LEVEL DESIGN AND MECHANICS ALL MELDED INTO A THING OF BEAUTY. <3 <3

- character building im still a bit on the fence about, but i think i enjoyed it. the side characters definitely got more fleshed out as you went along. jesse is... maybe a little flat at points, but still good, well thought out overall. either way, shes mine now. i give her depth. and angst.

- i still. okay. listen. i still dont Really Trust The FBC. Which I think is the point??? but like we seemed to end on a note of "now we are FBC and we are good and FBC is doing good bc we are in charge :)" and like. LIIIKE. HMMM. LISTEN. THIS INSTITUTION AS A WHOLE STILL KIDNAPPED YOUR BROTHER AND DOES VARIOUS UNETHICAL THINGS THAT DIRECTLY RUINED YOUR LIFE AND ALSO WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE BOARD HUH? I think its going foe a thing of "the people matter more than the institution and the people Make the institution" which. hmm. sure. okay, i guess?

- I did Not Know it was going to be so horror/horror adjacent when I first got it. but you know what? it was a good time. nice change of pace. well executed. very nice.

okay enough of the mechanics now for me having a good time:

- jesse my beloved <3 jesse making little sarcastic remarks to herself <3 jesse seeing weird shit and going "fuck?! okay. sure." <3 jesse with imposter syndrome. <3

- jesse jesse they LISTENED to your THERAPY sessions they TRACKED YOU YOUR WHOLE LIFE and you thought you were INSANE jesse how do you feel about that. jesse pls @ me.

- jesse whats up with your right shoulder why do you always adjust it

- i really thought pope was gonna be evil but. i guess shes not! so shes just good and on your side with a little undercurrent of "i am 2 steps away from letting my passion take me TOO far" all the time. fair enough! love that for her

- darling only being shown through videos is a FASCINATING way to frame a character, 10/10. very interesting

- fucking hell i love the containment sector and its little altered items so much. i loved learning about each item, i love the absurdity of looking into the cells and seeing just. A fucking rubber duck or some shit under close surveillance. just.. orgh. maybe my favorite aspect of the game. reading reports.

-- i think its similar to the appeal of SCPs. just incredibly wild and sometimes hilarious shit in a deeply formal tone and scientifically examined. stupidly mundane objects. tiny impacts. idk its really good.

- im trying to avoid gushing more about env/level design but. the use of lights and colored lights to indicate things? work of art. consistently reinforcing the association of red lights with Bad Shit and using that everywhere.

- *cocks my gun and points it directly at the board* WHAT ARE YOU HIDING YOU ASSHOLES. WHAT ARE YOU.

- orig music!!! for the ashtray!!! like what!!!! shit!

- going into the hiss dream sequence section like "is this Imposter Syndrome, the Game", finishing the sequence like "it IS"

- underhill would kill me if she could

- langston is. hilarious. i dont think i trust him bc like. he locked up my brother his whole life and sees 0 issue with it. he LITERALLY runs the Panopticon. but. hes funny. dammit. they got me.

- arish is good. i like arish. arish is my buddy. hes just trying to do his JOB okay, fuck, what is all this shit.

- marshall is.... terrifying. mixed thoughts on marshall.

- pope is... look. i like pope as a person, i think, i just also think that she would 100% cause a world ending event because she got real excited about the scientific possibilities and the research and forgets about consequences. but jesse deserves a friend (👀friend?) and pope is Good and has our backs so. sure.

- im still thinking about dylan. i think dylan is more of a concept or a placeholder than an actual character which feels- right. the story is about jesse. dylan was only ever a driving factor, a name in a quest, a concept, an icon.

- i UNDERSTAND why yanking an explosive object at yourself is BAD but also did the designers consider: im bad at being careful :(

- do the altered items get lonely :(

- i think jesse should be allowed to take a nap. as a mechanic. also be given a hug, as a mechanic. (jesse how touch starved are you. how often have you recieved hugs in your life. jesse.)

- the canonical event of "i picked up a gun and now have a job AND are promoted AND need to clean up a ton of shit, christ" is already hilarious, but its even funnier when jesse comments on it. wild shit, huh girl.

- i unlocked multiaunch and im gonna go fucking HAM with it tomorrow.

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Tag game!

rules: name 7 comfort films and tag 7 people

tagged by the excellent @yfere. I am eternally terrible at these but always appreciate the tag :D

also be forewarned i. dont watch movies. my accursed brain does Not like the idea of sitting down for 2 hours. Too long for one sitting, too short for rabbit holes. A majority of these movies will .... not be cinematic classics, probably. And most aren't "comfort watches" as much as "i watched this and i recall actually enjoying it for one reason or another".

1. Lego Movie Two listen listen listen this movie. This movie is Dumb and I wont make any excuses otherwise but its the kind of dumb where you go in expecting a corny lego movie and you come out like "why the fuck was that so corny and ACTUALLY funny and ACTUALLY good." also.. . ... a good soundtrack. this movie has a special place in my heart. genuine comfort movie.

2. Spiderverse Im sure people much more eloquent than I have written essays on this movie but what can I say. Its Good and Gorgeous and Bright Colors and Interesting Characters and Nice Big Cool Scenes and Good Music Also Sync With Colors. Good. Excellent. Makes Brain Happy.

3. Totoro Studio Ghibli, hey? Studio Ghibli. also set off that lifelong desire to lie on a Totoro's tummy. One can only dream.

4. Oceans 8. YES this movie has very minimal conflict and is like 50% the recruitment scenes and Women Doing Cool Shit. YES i like my "action" movies with minimal actual tension. NO i will not be taking questions at this time.

5. Detective Pikachu. Plot wise? eeeehhhhhhhhh pretty bad. But seeing the pokemon visualized? cool as hell. Torterra scene? Cool as HELL. (love me some island sized turtles). 10/10 specifically for letting me vividly imagine having pokemon.

6. Palm Springs I was not expecting to enjoy this as much as I did. The cinematography is excellent (All Hail Quyen Tran) and the character dynamics are interesting and the movie doesnt take itself too seriously but manages to be genuine at points and. Idk. Good vibes. Neat as fuck.

7. TGWDLM Does a recorded musical count as a movie? I dont think so. ... but either way, I think I've casually rewatched it enough times that I can count it. I might not be falling down that specific rabbit hole anymore, but I still get the residual dopamine from it, which, lbr, is all ya need.

I..... don't think i have 7 moots on this tumblr, but uh, tagging the ones I have:

@walnut-extractor @soul-music-is-life @hufflefluff-and-apple-pie

and anyone else who see this and wants to do it. no idea why you're here but im flattered? i think?

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apparently all you need to get a break from general depression and anxiety so bad that you've had ongoing chest pain and severe nausea for 4 days straight, is to be gifted a set of three katanas and a set of sharpening stones?

seriously though, i dont think ive had this much serotonin at once for the past 8 months. but rn i have successfully freehand sharpened a kitchen knife on a whetstone, and have a functional (if not sharp) katana on my hip. i feel unbelievably powerful. this is fantastic.

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anyway so im watching the gay holiday movie and

- my type is, very clearly, tired and moderately stressed women who are trying their best. 

- that said: i really like kristen stewarts characters usually, but also both of them seem like they will be stressed and suppressing feelings, so i have no idea who my gaybrain will cling on to this time. 

- before starting, i was like: do i dislike romcom christmas movies because of the movies, or because of the heretonormativity? about ten minutes in, i’m leaning towards the movie tropes. god. why do none of u fuckers communicate.

- but also, this whole “i am so deeply and constantly stressed about not being out and then i have to go home and Not Be Out” vibe is really just smacking me across the face too. dammit. 

- but also. *tsks over relationship dynamics*

- but also i feel like i’m having an ongoing allergy attack watching this because WOW thos family dynamics and the SENSATION OF STILTEDNESS. I’m just gonna

- *LIES DOWN AND SCREAMS OVER THE ANSWER TO “do you have a boyfriend” *fast no* *but like ive had them of course. BUT NOT TOO MANY.* fuCK. 

- her mom scares the shit out of me. i am deeply worried about her sister but not in a “she’s a threat” way but in a “oh god i hope she has access to therapy” way.

-oh i see why everyone was gay for aubrey plaza.

- oh her older sister is like that.well i suppose. yeah. makes sense with their mom.

- i shouldnt have said anything about a sister being a threat now im just. all red flags. oh god oh god oh god

- watching this at home silently in my room at the dead of night after agonizing how best to hide the way it would alter my hulu recs is a CHOICE because now im just having a silent secondary panic attack over harper trying so hard to be straight to be Good and abby just fuckin. silently losing it.

- oh no riley is classic gay flirting. *appears* *hovers* *tries very ahrd to be friendly* *drops random compliment* *LEAVES FAST* jesus goddammit

- i remember now why i dont watch these kinds of movies. i dont do well with secondhand social anxiety.

- oh somehow this thing about trying to awkwardly hem around being Gey with someone who should be friendly is getting me more than it should

- also between the general anxiety of secondhand “you have to watch everything you do and everything the people around you do” and also my brain going “why arent they wearing MASKS” this is a wild experience

-hrggggggg every romcom is built on misunderstandings piling up and i understand that but hrgggg pain

- here i was minding my own business and they have the NERVE to let kristen stewart stand around in a suit with her shirt unbuttoned and tie undone excuse me.

-”I thought she loved me and I made her happy, and I see her here and she’s so terrified of what everyone thinks, its just making me wonder who the real Harper is.” “Well, maybe they both are.” HA WHOOPS DONT LIKE HOW CLOSE TO HOME THATS HITTING.

- OH THAT WHOLE CONFESSION SPEECH REALLY JUST YANKED MY INSIDES OUT THANK YOU OW OW OW OW OW

- oh im not a fan of forced coming out scenes.

- oh there we go, the reason im watching this alone at night: im crying. this whole fucking scene ex fucking scuse me “its really terrifying” KASHFJA fuck

-OH IT WASNT A FORCED COMING OUT SCENE SIKe?

- oh here we go: the good alls well that ends well of a romcom. okay but also.... fuck. im here for it. god. being gay and accepted and, oh god. alright. okay. im done crying.

- i might have more thoughts later but this is fine for now. 

- okay no i DO have thoughts: i think its a romcom which means i automatically will side eye carious relationship choices. i dont think the movie portrayed the actual abby/harper rel well enough, so im mostly like; i will trust u that they make each other happy. i dont hold it against harper because i Get It. Being closeted is fucking terrifying and draining and creates a separate you, almost. It portrayed that well. too well? hmmmm. riley deserves Good Things. In romcom fashion, fingers crossed she got em. AND of course, abby deserves the world. protect her.

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me, vaguely watching the coronavirus panic finally hit my school, flights to europe getting banned, more high profile infected people getting sick: okay, logically speaking its not the end of the world.

also me: fuck the apocalypse is gonna hit and i never learned emergency medicine and also maybe i should come out to my parents

also me: no like the world isnt ending. seriously. you still have to study for your exam tomorrow.

still me: ...man i cant believe the world is ending and i still have to fucking study haskell

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todays reel of: statements that sound very offensive out of context but managed to be both very loving and absolutely hilarious in context

(brought to you by: @walnut-extractor who was watching me spiral into a "what if i was wasting my time trying to get a diagnosis for various brain struggles and it was truly me, Being A Shit, all along, and the people who did my phone screen were too polite to directly tell me that")