#tank u .

[peethepauu]

your art is so delicious it makes me insane crazt,,,, .... its amazing and I'm completely normal about it like when I see I jet feral I want to be able to see your art everyday I want to marry your art like simple words cannot describe how much I like it I would have to learn every single language everysingle way to explain how much I loevee it I want to lick it eat it chew it bite it I'm crazi about it like insane

YOU ARE SO NICE here’s more

[pawberri]

What's it like knowing you're so damn valid and everyone who is valid loves you?

[synobun]

63

hi carrit u r my favourite vegetable in the whole wide world

*looks at what this question is*

hi carrit u r my least favourite vegetable in the whole wide world

Under a Read More.

63. Biggest Fear?

Because of my upbringing, I have a complicated relationship with the concept of death. It has always unsettled me for as long as I can remember. I was a five-year-old pondering nonexistence. When I finally removed myself from "playing the game" of my father's cult and its beliefs, it left kind of a void. Not one that I wanted to fill, but after being lectured on a daily basis for years upon years upon years about death, about what comes after this life, about how everything is measured and weighed and judged... it left a hole where an answer would be.

But I was young, so it didn't matter. What's more is that I was healthy, so it doubly didn't matter. I was immortal, so who cares?

Then I wasn't immortal anymore and I became sick. And then I kept getting worse and worse. I repressed any consideration of the subject. I ignored it, and for the most part I was able to. There was plenty of other stuff to panic about. And to be honest, I have been suicidal to some extent for most of my life, and at the time I was more interested in the fantasy of no longer being alive.

Then I reached my mid-20s and I became bedbound from my health. I spent 21+ hours a day trapped in a bed, the ultimate loss of what little I had left. Then I got even sicker, and couldn't eat anymore, and ended up in the hospital once I started throwing up even water. It was bad enough that they weren't legally allowed to let me leave. I was alone. It was the pandemic. Nobody could come to the hospital to be by my side. Nobody could wait at home for me. I couldn't move at all while I was there. Two IVs running constantly, blowing out my veins over and over again, still not able to eat. The internist team assigned to me said if I had waited even twelve hours longer to go to the hospital, it would have been too late. I came... very close.

At the time, I felt nothing about this. I was accepting of it, even. I was just... done. I'm so tired. All the time. But after months of withering away, I was especially done.

We lucked into finding a solution and I was sent home once my blood was no longer acidic.

A month later, I get COVID from my roommate. It was bad. I couldn't move at all. Couldn't eat. Again. The pain was outrageous. I should have gone to the hospital, but I couldn't go back. Not again.

I somehow make it through, finally, after ~11 days. One thing I didn't mention through this is that I had a terrible jaw infection for years that I couldn't get fixed because all the dentists stopped accepting total coverage from my disability insurance. Not eating for so long was bad for that, and COVID was the final straw. By the end of it, my gums were falling apart, brown, bleeding constantly all day and at the slightest provocation. If I ate a sandwich, the bread would be red.

I was in shambles. We'd found a solution for the eating problem, but I had nothing. Months of no work and not being able to work, and the starvation for so long killed my gallbladder and damaged my liver badly. My teeth were in such bad shape. And although getting all my levels brought back up via IV seemingly got me out of a bed after finally recovering from COVID, it was shaky, and I was having a lot of issues keeping food down even with treatment.

I found a nonprofit dentist after that, and I was able to get my teeth fixed. Slowly but surely. But I did it.

I fixed my liver. Finally.

I couldn't do anything with the gallbladder. It was gone. I lived over a year with it dead, subsisting on a no-fat diet and slowly having it kill me. When my girlfriend broke up with me, it called it quits there and decided it would finally end me. To the ER I went, and then I was stuck in the hospital for a week on antibiotics, not allowed to eat, and then surgery. Another situation where I came close to the end.

I share these stories because during them, I was accepting of dying. It was fine. Let's get it over with.

But then I survived. And since surviving them, my fear of what comes after death has exponentially increased. And it continues to get worse. I panic about it almost every single day now. Nothing comforts me. I don't want to cease existing. I don't want to exist forever. But I don't want to end.

And I look at what my life has been, and what my future looks like, and... if this is it, if this life is all I get... how could it be this? How could I only live what my life has been? Torturous misery during my childhood, something I had no choice about. Then it was becoming disabled, something I also had no choice about. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been content or at least hopeful in life, and I'd have more than half those fingers left over.

And like, I can't... do anything to find fulfillment, to create a better life. I'm doing all I can to just barely hang on. The men in my family die young. Not a single one made it past their 40s. And they were healthy people. If they were unhealthy, it was by their own hand. What hope is there for me? I've already come so close to the end. How much time do I have left? I just turned 30, so... maybe ten years?

What's left for me? What can I do? What kind of life can I eke out? Can I have something worth living? If I'm going to slip into eternal nonexistence soon... can I at least have something to smile about before then? Known by even one person, truly known, and not have them leave? To not be considered unlovable? To not be a burden? To be able to feel the wind and sun and just be safe? To be able to live?

I am terrified of what comes after, because I am so disappointed by what this life has been. I'd always be afraid, but especially now, it's difficult to conceive of anything greater to fear.

[bear-cubs-art-things]

YOUR BLOGS NEW LOOK IS SO CUTE AAAAA

RAAAA THANK YOUUUUUU

tis my chaos emporium now >:)

[edith-is-a-cat]

Gives u a flower

gently chews on it :3

[theo4eve]

(^з^)-☆ here's a star for good luck, make sure to keep it safe and pass it on to others!

[ancicntforged]

The best? I’m flattered but I use your fight threads as a reference material on how I can improve writing that kinda stuff.

- a friend

Wow, really? That's awesome to hear, even if I'm just doing my thing. I'm always happy to talk about writing and share ideas too. Keep at it with your writing and thanks again for the kind words.

[spiderywigglerodstuff]

ur cool

have a good timezone :]

and good vibes °˖✧\(^꒳^)/✧˖°

thank you ;; here is a scrungled boi

[peridyke]

ur so awesome

[synobun]

4, 25, 50!

well well well

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Gemini.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

I only own black socks. x) I do not have the patience to organize socks. Also, I do not have the fortitude to pay the price of unique pairs of socks. I just buy a $20 six-pack of Dickies and call it a day.

I need to find a new brand though. Before the pandemic, they'd last me 5+ years a pair. Now I am lucky to get a year out of them. Terrible. I mean, they're cheap, but, y'know. It's the principle.

50. Left or right handed?

I am a demon-possessed lefty.

[jesters-littlespace]

Tank u to my seben followers!!

[hex-rex]

🦇, 🪓, 🔮, and 👿 for horror asks ✌️😗🤳

🦇 whats your favorite horror movie? - That's SO VILE AND DIFFICULT. Im in a horrible mood rn so my brain is nonexistant, so while this isn't true it's the best I have.

I really liked Jeepers Creepers, as well as Scream one

🪓Ultimate final person? - Okay. Hear me out. I just watched it so it's fresh in my mind. Mart from Cabin in the Woods <3

🔮Coolest concept for a horror movie- Monstrous for sure. The idea was SO GOOD, but the execution was AWFUL

👿Horror movie character you would fight in a 7/11 parking lot? - Peter from Bly. He was a creep, he got better, and then went back to being a creep :l

[bludrvn]

( ⌒o⌒)人(⌒-⌒ ) = Friends the character has or would like to make

Sin :) At least i was until someone decided to get butthurt and get in our way. Whenever sin decides to dump his ass im ready to hang out whenever

I would like some other teen friends... i like a good handful of the adults here but it's just not the same

[theo4eve]

(^-^)-☆ here's a star for good luck, make sure to keep it safe and pass it on to others!

[dykecassidy]

I haven't done this in a long while but hey read my fics