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youllallriseintheink · 3 years

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Sammy and Jack. “Can we stay like this forever?”

Crisis of Faith, chapter 2

Sammy didn’t dream of Jack again until his next crisis of faith, and Sammy’s faith was very difficult to break. It had begun while Sammy, now a lost one made of fluid ink, was hiding in a wall, watching as a severely ink-infected woman raved.

“Mother, why do you punish me!?” she shouted as, with all the power left in her body, she tried to force open the padlocked doors of the women’s washroom. Her veins, prominent due to age and leanness, were a pitch-black web on her skin, and her wiry muscles had wasted away to bone.

Sammy had, on Joey’s command, overseen dozens of ink infections by now, and knew that there was nothing unusual about Emma Lamont’s case of it. Every single victim he had overseen had held some kind of delusion. Some believed that they were being poisoned by the government or their enemies, or that they were developing a mental illness. A very common one, however, was that they were receiving some sort of punishment, test, or reward from an all-powerful being- either God, or from a seemingly random entity that they’d decided to treat as one.

What if... Sammy’s beliefs were no different from this madwoman, screaming at the ghost of her mother?

Sammy moved on to check on the other infection victims. Even if Bendy wasn’t to be worshipped, the thought of ascension was all that kept him going. He sacrificed people on Joey’s command because the ink had told him to. He wrote his scriptures because he believed they were meaningful. He led the lost ones to Bendy and away from the lies their voices had told them because he truly believed that his voice had been the truth, and it seemed to give them hope, too.

Sammy passed through the prison of ink creatures as he made his way to Joey’s sanctuary, where he now slept. A Charley was repeatedly banging its head against the bars of its cage. Lost ones wept. Ink stained every surface, making the brightly-lit room feel suffocatingly dark. Sammy was glad to phase through the wall into Joey’s sanctuary, where he could lie down on the couch and rest.

All this had to be leading to something. He couldn’t take it otherwise.

---

Sammy woke to the feeling of someone softly shaking him awake. He opened his eyes to see Jack, tears in his eyes and that disarming smile on his face.

“Hey. How are you feeling?” Jack asked gently.

Sammy, with a bit of difficulty, sat up and realized that he was in a hospital room, complete with an IV in his arm. He felt very weak, but also lighter- like a burden had been taken off of him. “Awful,” he admitted.

“Well, you want some good news? The ink is gone. All of it. You still have a lot of organ damage, but it’s nothing they can’t fix in a couple weeks. In other words, it’s over, Sammy. You’re gonna be okay.”

It took Sammy a half a minute to even process that. Once he did, though, he broke into tears of relief and hugged Jack as tightly as he could.

“Thank you. God, thank you for making me come here. You saved my life.”

Jack hugged him back. “Hey, I didn’t make you do anything. I know this took a lot of courage for you. And... I’m really glad you did it. I was so scared when I found you in your sanctuary. You were so sick... I thought I’d lose you. Sammy, I think I love you. But... we can talk about that later. Right now, you need to rest.”

“I love you, too.” Easiest words Sammy had ever said.

After a little more chatting, Jack left. Sammy wandered over to the bathroom to get a look at himself in the mirror. Admittedly, he didn’t look great. He looked like a person who’d narrowly survived a life-threatening illness, because that’s what he was. His skin was still pale and sunken, and he was still pretty gaunt, but the black veins, the bruise-like purple splotches on his skin, and even the staining in his mouth and his long, blond hair- it was gone. When Sammy woke, he would have given anything to see his human face again.

---Two years later---

As often happened whenever Sammy decided to play his banjo, a small crowd had gathered around him. Today, the crowd consisted of three lost ones, Jack (of course), a moderately ink-infected woman, and one of their last healthy men. The song Sammy was playing was "I’ll fly away.” He wasn’t singing it today, but he had sang it for his followers in the past, simply replacing the word, “God’s” with “his,” since “Bendy’s,” unfortunately, was two syllables.

“You know, it’s amazing how you can remember music like that,” said David, the only non-infected person in attendance. “I'm already forgetting the words to my favourite songs since it’s been so long since we’ve been able to just turn on a radio. How do you do it?”

Sammy would have smiled if he still had a mouth. “Well, a part of it is just natural ability,” Sammy admitted. “But. I have a secret to tell you. A part of it is faith. Faith can do great things. Collective faith in Bendy is the reason that we are the largest organization in this dimension. This village was built on faith. Faith keeps us united! Faith keeps us safe! And... faith allows me to to see into the old world every night when I close my eyes. I hope that all of you one day achieve that absolute belief that something in this world is good.”

“Heh. I’m trying. But all I have are nightmares of Bendy,” a lost one complained.

“Well, keep trying. Believe in his benevolence.” With that, Sammy got up and left for bed, patting Jack on the head on the way out. If only they knew that he used to be plagued by those same nightmares.

---

Sammy’s dream came in to form. He was on a bus, sitting next to Jack. Outside their window, snow was falling gently over a pretty, snow-covered forest. For a while Sammy just sat in peace, holding Jack’s hand and enjoying the scenery.

“Excited to see your parents again? I know I can’t wait to meet them.”

Sammy nodded. “I can’t wait.” Sammy had always wanted to introduce Jack to his parents. He remembered that there was a strong reason why he hadn’t done it while he was alive, but he couldn’t remember what it was. “My Dad is going to love you. You’re a lot like him, you know. Do you remember why we didn’t do this sooner?”

“Because I’m a man,” Jack answered, totally calm.

“Oh!” Sammy had forgotten a lot about the outside world since his transformation, but nothing so big as the existence of homophobia. It was kind of alarming that the ink was affecting his brain that much. “God. I’m so... forgetful. I’ll just have to introduce you as my musical partner or something. It’s unconventional, but they've seen me do weirder.”

“You know, Sammy, it’s like you got new lease on life after the ink incident. I love that. But yeah, you’re forgetting things left and right!” Jack teasingly jabbed him with his elbow.

“Yeah... Hey, can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” Jack said. Sammy worried what Jack would think, but looking into those calm brown eyes, he trusted him to not to react badly. And it would be nice to have one person he didn’t have to lie to.

“This is a dream. In the real world, I never got help for my ink infection, and now me and dozens of other people are trapped a dimension full of monsters. I’m holding a large band of people together by convincing them to collectively worship one of them. And you,” Sammy took a deep breath, “you’re there, too. But you haven’t had a coherent thought in years. I keep hoping that one day, we’ll make it out, and I’ll be able to confess to you and we’ll actually build a life like this. So... I’m forgetful because that ink is affecting my mind, and I’m happy because this world is my escape. And because you’re here, of course.” Sammy couldn’t meet Jack’s eyes. He’d probably just made himself sound like a lunatic.

Jack turned Sammy’s head to look at him. “Hey. I believe you. And... that sounds really rough. I wish I could help you.”

Sammy smiled. “Thanks. But you've been helping me all along.” Sammy laid his head on Jack’s shoulder. Maybe once the bus stopped, they’d get some hot chocolate and look at some shops before seeing his parents. It would be nice.

---

Sammy was violently shaken awake by a trio of searchers. More were behind them- as though half the village had crammed itself into his bedroom.

“Bendy is here!” one of them yelled. “What do we do?”

That was a good question. Sammy reached for his axe, but then he stopped. This was, according to the gospel he’d been feeding them, their saviour. “Go out to greet him,” Sammy instructed, trying not to sound as hesitant as he felt. “Bring him offerings of bacon soup. Bring everyone, even the Boris clones- they used to be human, too.”

The crowd of lost ones dispersed. Sammy watched with bated breath from the balcony of his lost-one village home as a massive crowd- lost ones, searchers, people both infected and healthy, and their three Boris clones- gathered along the ink river. Dozens of cans of bacon soup were placed along the river bank as an offering. Bendy stood on the other side of the river. Their drawbridge lowered, but Bendy decided instead to walk on the ink’s surface like the God they treated him as. The crowd gasped and made way. Bendy took an ink-infected man in one arm, stroked his cheek, and bit his face off.

Screams filled the air. People ran in all directions. Sammy was frozen for several seconds before he took action.

“Everyone! Run for cover! We have displeased him! I repeat, run for cover!” Sammy's booming, demonic voice covered the great distance it needed to. Upon seeing the people run and Bendy chase after them, Sammy himself slammed shut his doors and windows and listened in horror to the screams.

When it was over, all he could think to tell his people was that they needed to reconsider how they were paying tribute to the ink demon. If they changed their methods just a little, then the demon would be helpful instead of violent, and they would be freed.

To Sammy’s mixed relief, they actually believed it.

---

eleven years went by. Within the first three, every single flesh-and-blood person in the sketch dimension was infected, killed, or both, and became a lost one.

Their minds were rotting. Increasing numbers of lost ones struggled to remember anything about themselves or the outside world. Wandering aimlessly or resting in ink puddles, they were helpless as zombies.

But not Sammy. Sammy remained- comparatively, at least- as sharp as a whip, and told the lost ones tales so vivid about the outside world that they could almost taste its brilliance and freedom. Sammy only wished that Jack- the real Jack- could understand any of it.

There was nothing to do about that but what Sammy had been doing all along: keep the community together. Keep the lost ones moralized and sane. Figuratively and literally dream of a better world. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Sammy didn’t want to forget a thing about the real world, but little pieces had fallen away, bit by bit. In his dreams, there were now places he couldn’t visit because he didn’t remember what they were like. His reflection in the mirror had become a human-shaped blur as he forgot his appearance. The same thing had happened to the faces of people he used to remember clear as day. One day, he would forget it all, too- just as everyone else had.

It was hard to keep hope.

One of Sammy’s dreams found him walking down a beach with Jack at his side. Sammy knew that the two of them had relocated at some point, but he didn’t know to where. His American geography was rather fuzzy at this point.

“Can I vent to you about the other world?” Sammy asked.

“Sure,” Jack said. Jack was one thing that Sammy’s memory hadn’t gone fuzzy on. Sammy still remembered every soft curve of his face, every freckle, every detail. His dark brown hair was starting to grey, but not because Sammy remembered him that way- it had been many years, and growing old together was part of the fantasy.

“Bendy came to the village again today. He killed a few lost ones and then left. People are losing faith in me and I don’t know how to get it back. And to make matters worse, a false prophet is going around saying we should worship the angel instead! She’d enslave us if we did that!" Sammy chucked a baseball-sized rock into the water, then composed himself a bit. “And you know, we’re all going to be mindless drones eventually. I’m thinking... maybe I won’t fight the false prophet. I could leave the village, hide in a vent, and spend as little time awake as possible. Ink creatures can sleep for days, you know. What do say? Can we stay like this forever? Enjoy this world until I lose my mind like all the rest?” Sammy took Jack’s hands and looked desperately into his eyes.

Jack hesitated, but by the look on his face, Sammy already knew what his answer would be. “I’m sorry. You know I have to say no. The lost ones need you.”

“But why am I the one who has to stay strong for them? I’m sick of it.”

“Because you’re the one who can. I know it isn’t fair, but you’re the reason they’ve been protecting each other. And it sounds like if you leave them now, they’ll throw themselves at Alice. Do it for them. And if you can’t bring yourself to care about them... do it for me. The real me. You still love him, right?”

“Of course...” Sammy probably would have done this sooner if he didn’t care about the well-being of his searcher friend.

Jack put a hand on Sammy’s shoulder. “I don’t know how, but you’ll get out some day. And in the meantime, I’m here.”

Sammy tried to think of some objection, but he couldn’t. He muttered a “thanks” and kept walking along the beach. Jack followed. It was, if nothing else, a beautiful night, and he might as well enjoy it.

“Jack... tell me what I look like. I don’t care that it’ll just be something you made up. Tell me anyhow.”

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #Jack Fain #sammy lawrence #sammy x jack #my fanfiction #threadedsafetypin #thanks for the ask

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thousandfourhundreddays · 5 years

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Yours For Tonight. Pt 2

Michael Gray x Reader

Part One

A/n: Requested by @namelesslosers , “Part two please! This is amazing, Maybe one where he's already with Gina and the reader comes back to Small Heat? They never stopped loving each other and yeah... Anyway, tag me if you do please?”

The Morning After

“I couldn’t face saying goodbye for the last time, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have to leave and I’m sorry that we can’t spend the rest of our lives together. I know I promised we would. I’ll never forget you Michael, the love that you showed me was possible, and I’ll forever be thankful for that. I’ll love you always, y/n”

That was the note you left for Michael the morning you left, taking one last look back at his sleeping figure before you gently closed his bedroom door, sneaking down the staircase and onto the cold, harsh cobbles of the street outside, ready to begin your new life in France with your boyfriend. Well... as ready as you would ever be.

Three Years Later

The sharp wind whipped around your as you stepped out of your taxi, taking a long, deep breath whilst you stood taking in your surroundings, the sleek black car vanishing back down the street. A small smile spread across your face as you saw the familiar blackish grey terrace houses that held so many memories. The dull, cold cobbles of the roads which ironically brought you so much warmth and comfort.

You were home... you were in Small Heath.

With no plans of where you’d live, or work, however truthfully, your husbands job left you quite well off so for now you could easily pay for a hotel for however long it took for you to find a house, you found yourself heading to the garrison.

As soon as you made your way through the sparkling golden doors, you caught eyes with Harry, his face lighting up with surprise. You sat and chatted for a good hour or so as he served the men in the pub, this is where you learned that Tommy had bought the pub not long after you left, explaining the glamorous new design. Sparking the topic of the Peaky Blinders, him raving about how well they were all doing which lead to you subtly asking how “Pollys son, that new lad Michael” was doing, which was how you were told he had moved to America on business for a while before moving back a few months later. The topic didn’t last long, you not wanting to seem suspicious so you let Harry briefly fill you in on how your mutual friends were doing.

After a short while, a few familiar faces, mostly friends from school and thier boyfriends and husband made their way into the pub as the day shifted into the evening. The garrison grew busier with time whilst you were bombarded with questions about your life over the past three years, the contry, the food, the people. You almost didn’t notice the door fly open and the faces of Tommy Shelby and Polly Gray appear in the doorway. You breathed a sigh of relief when they turned to make thier way into the back room.

That was until the door creaked opens once again, revealing the face of the man you once, a almost definitely still do love. Your breath caught in your throat as you stared at him, placing a cigarette between his lips and raising a match to light it. He lifted his eyes whilst tucking the match box back into his trouser pocket, scanning the room. Your heat skipped a beat as his chestnut brown eyes can’t into line with your y/e/c ones. It felt like the world stopped spinning, his face unreadable as you swallowed the lump in your throat. The buzz of chatter began to ring in your ears, fading into silence. To you, it felt like it was only you and him in the room. A shy, unsure smile flashed across your face, his astonished eyes softening in response.

Suddenly the noise returned to your ears, your heat started to beat and 1000 miles an hour and you watched a woman slip through the crack between the doors, her golden blonde hair glistening in the light. Her painted red lips raising to Michaels ear, whispering something which you couldn’t make out. Her hand making its way upto Michaels neck to get his attention, her burgundy nails gently scratching against his skin. On her finger, a ring.

You forced your eyes away and tears welled in them. Michael snatching his head in the direction of his wife and they also made thier way into the back room.

Your mind was riddled with questions and possibilities. How long had they been married? Did they have children? What was her name? Of corse you knew there was a possibility of seeing him, you weren’t stupid. You for some reason you hadn’t expected this.

You spent the next half an hour or so trying your best to act natural, a few wuenstioning looks were directed at you from your friends, which were returned with you most convincing smile.

Not long after, the Blinders left the back room, Tommy heading to the bar, Polly heading home, leaving Michael and his wife stood talking for a second before she ran to catch up with Polly. He stood searching the room for your face in the crowd of drunken men and tipsy women, after finally spotting you he gave a sly nod in the direction of the door, indicating for you to follow. You waited a minute or two to avoid any suspicion, and to prepare yourself for what was about to happen, before excusing yourself to the toilet and slipping out the out the pub undetected.

The cool air hit you, somewhat refreshing however due to your lack of preparation to be stood out in the cold with your ex lover at this time of night, and therefore your lack of coat, the cold soon hit your bones, causing you to warp your arms around yourself with a shiver.

You searched the darkness for Michael, only spotting him when the glow of a match lit up his face in a discreet ally a few meters away from the entrance of the Garrison. Letting out a shakey breath, your feet subconsciously carried you towards him.

You froze a couple of meters in front of him. You took in his appearance as you stared at one another. His eyes sat above light purple circles, he looked exhausted. His skin a little more wrinkled than when you left, obviously from stress. His hair gelled to the side, much smarter and professional than you ever remembered, must be to cover his tiredness.

“Hey” the simple word snapped you out of your thoughts, bringing your eyes back upto his. They were no longer bright and full of life, they were dull and mysterious.

“Hi” you said, your voice wavering slightly as you let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding.

He offered you a cigarette which you gladly took, thanking him with a smile as you made your way forward, now standing opposite him.

A few seconds past before he broke the silence.

“How’ve you been?” He said cautiously.

“Not bad, you?”

“Yeah, good, thank you”

You stood in an awkward silence, neither of you knowing how to begin a conversation, or more like not knowing what kind of conversation to start.

Once again, it was Michael who spoke first. “What are you doing here, y/n?”

“Well, Iv got nothing left for me in France, let’s just say that.”

“What about...” he began, about to ask about your boyfriend before his mind assumed the worst. “Is he... ok?”

“He’s fine. Well...” you took a second to think of how to word your sentence. Do you lie? How much should you tell? You gave in, letting out a sigh, you continued “Prison.”

Michael raised his eyebrows in shock, your boyfriend would be the last person anyone would’ve expected to go to prison. A respectable lawyer from an honourable family.

“Yeah” you said, reading his expression. “Money laundering... got three years inside.” You looked down at th ground, for some reason ashamed of your partners illegal antics which you had absolutely no involvement in.

“And you didn’t want to wait for him?”

“Nah” your lifted you head to have another drag of your cigarette, as did Michael.

“You know how I feel about criminals.” You joked with a small smile, you were fully aware of what Michael and his family did for a living, and he knew that. A faint grin flashed across his face, giving you his good old, soft ‘shut up’ face as he let out a soft laugh.

“Didn’t expect that” he said, deciding to state the obvious.

“Yeah well he wasn’t as lucky as you lot, he got caught” Another giggle left his lips, you always knew how to make him laugh, he loved that about you.

“No, but seriously... I just saw my chance and took it, you know how I felt about him, I never wanted to leave. Anyway, here I am.”

He gave you a sympathetic smile, imagining how it felt to have to sail off to a new country, leaving everything you ever knew behind to live with a boyfriend you you’d fell out of love with.

His trail of though was broken. “So, what’ve you been upto?” You said solemnly, leaning back against the cold brick wall, preparing yourself for the conversation surrounding his wife.

Michael inhaled on his cigarette, needing to calm his nerves, he knew you had realised who she was when he walked into the Garrison, you weren’t stupid, he could see it in your eyes.

“She’s my wife.” He stated, knowing you’d catch on to who he was talking about.

“Congratulations” you tried to put on your best fake smile.

“I didn’t think you’d ever come back, y/n, honestly if I had any ide-”

“Michael... dont. You weren’t to know”

He nodded slightly, clearing his throat. “I still love you, you know” his voice was shy, laced with anticipation and somewhat fear.

“Loving each other was never the problem, mikey” you said softly.

“Yeah but now the problems Gina, and I-”

“Gina” you cut him off, reality hitting you now that you learned his wife’s name. He just looked at you, sadness set deep within his eyes.

“I’d do anything for you y/n, anything to have you back” his voice was barely a whisper as he stepped closer to you. His hand cautiously reaching up to cup your face. You leaned into his palm as you eyes glided shut, a tear escaping. “Look at me, please y/n”

You slowly opened you eyes to see Michaels only inches away, now glistening with tears of his own. Before you knew it, his lips were on yours, the connection which you had longed to feel for so many years hit you. The butterflies in your stomach, the slight dizzy ness that only Michael ever made you feel. It was all still there.

Despite your hunger for him, you abruptly broke the kiss, stroking his cheek, trying to hold yourself back. “I can’t do this Michael... your happily married” once again leaning into his touch.

“I’m not happy” he said bluntly, shaking his head as if to convince you.

“She is”

“I’m so sorry y/n, for everything” his voice filled with regret.

“Don’t be, please don’t be... Iv got to go Mikey”

And with that, you smoothly escaped his grasp and made your way out onto the street, the biting wind surrounded you once again.

You heard the faint calls of Michael shouting your name as you forced you self to keep walking. Leaving you both with tear stained faces.

Michael would have to go home to his wife, his mind submerged in thoughts of you whilst you lay in an estranged hotel room, drowning in thoughts on Michael.

PartThree.

A/n: hehehehe I’m actually SO proud of this :) @namelesslosers I hope this is ok!!

Remember my requests are always open!!

Instagram: @peakyblindersengland

Masterlist

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#michael gray imagine #michael shelby #michael gray #michael gray x reader #michael gray fanfic #peaky blinders #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders x reader

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autisticmob · 5 years

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HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference??

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with.

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.”

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway.

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!!

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that!

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week.

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications.

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind.

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day.

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE.

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine.

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

#words #top surgery #breast reduction #info post #again yall lemme know if you have questions abt anything i didnt cover here i tried to hit all my bases but u never know #teat yeet

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imdreamingwiththestars · 4 years

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Your turn! ✨💕 Cold or Hot? Mountains or Beach? Romance or Sci-fi? Day or Night? Flying or Driving?

Eek I love these, thank you lovie!!

- Cold 110%

I live in a house that maintains a temperature of 64° at all times and I can’t handle any kind of heat now. Also blankets and sweaters are just the best and you can’t use/wear them if it’s hot

- honestly it depends

I grew up going to the beach so it’s more about nostalgic for me than anything else. I really want to go to the mountains and live in a cozy little cabin for a while tho!!

- sci fi

I despise romance movies with all of my soul so sci fi wins by default. I don’t actually know what movies count as sci-fi tho oops

- night

I could rave for hours on end about why I love the night more than the day but I’ll keep it minimal. I absolutely ADORE the moon, like it’s kind of insane how much I love the moon. I could stare at it forever and never once get bored of it. I also just genuinely enjoy the darkness, it’s all quiet and peaceful and food always tastes better after midnight. Plus nobody is really awake and I enjoy that. Also late night drives are supreme. If I could be nocturnal I would be 110%. (That got kinda long yikes)

- driving all the way

Maybe it’s because Ive never been on a plane and I have a fear of heights but I just love driving places. I grew up driving 5-6 hours to go to Massachusetts for vacation so I’ve learned how to really love car rides. And road trips are my favorite thing in the world.

#about me!!#i really love asks #please send me as many of these as you can

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marixpedition · 7 years

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10 REFLECTIONS FROM MARIXPEDITION 2017

It’s the time of the year again when most people are becoming so reflective. Appreciation posts are flattering as well as greetings. I am not so fond though of posting my thoughts on my social media accounts but since this is the last day of the year, let’s give it a shot.

10 REFLECTIONS I HAVE TO CAP OFF MY CRAZY 2017

1. Love and love and love as much as possible. You don’t know when things will suddenly be plucked out from your life, so show some love even if you feel exclusive about it. It won’t hurt to give a little love. Sometimes, we run out of ideas and forget that love is the best thing that we can offer to people who little did we know need it the most.

2. Life is both a wheel and an uphill climb. Adulting is so difficult. It is like you need to earn 10 years of experience before you take another step in life. It’s not always that you are up there. Most of the time, you are down there, but at least you can look up to something. Like what they say, “When you’re down, you have nowhere to go but up.” Being an adviser to 27 wonderful [naughty] kids is not a joke, but I’m glad I took that chance despite the difficulty at first glance.

(If you are reading this, Determination Batch 2018, I love you all so much even if you are “sometimes” pasaway.)

3. You will never be prepared for sudden changes in life, so just be cool with it. You may not like the changes, but what can you do? It’s there. Give things the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the change you dislike is the change that will open more opportunities for you. So when you encounter change, be like yaazz this girl on fire is so ready to slay.

4. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH PLANS A.K.A DRAWINGS. It’s normal. We plan and sometimes things do not go our own way. We have reasons. They have reasons. As adults, we just have to deal with it maturely. Time is gold, but respect is more precious than that. God has the perfect time for all the plans you planned. If He has to extend the hours in a day, He will do that if it is part of His plan. Do not go crazy ranting about postponement. It’s not going to get you in a comatose.

5. (Fave part ❤️) True love is not about being in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against your cheesy lives. Sometimes, true love is choosing to wake up on the other side of the bed and get up to go to school or work. True love is not about eating in fancy restaurants. It can be sparing 15 minutes of your precious time to eat your breakfast with your loved ones. Maybe, true love for some is flashing a sweet smile to people despite the inner pain. So, do not be down if they make fun of you being single. You have experienced and shown true love, but in a metaphorical way mediocrity will never understand.

(Still praying for my God’s best. Yes. No judging please. 😂😂😂)

6. Take good care of yourself. No one else will unless you’re crazy rich. Those skincare routines may seem like a waste of time and money at first, but you need it SERIOUSLY. When you grow older, you lose confidence in your own skin. The key is to invest in “sulit” products.

My Skincare Routine:

Dove Soap (Shea Butter)/ St. Ives Oatmeal Scrub > Nivea Toner > Nature Republic Aloe Gel/Nivea Moisturizing Creme 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

Also, dress up well. You do not have to join the bandwagon, but please dress up accordingly. You have to be attractive to your own self before being attractive to other people (Yes, may pinaglalaban).

Most of all, EAT HEALTHY. It’s only this year that I realized the importance of this one. I got super sick when it was the busiest time of the year. Only by God’s grace that I survived teaching, MA, parties, and other stuff while I was super sick. I should definitely stop eating nuggets and rice every single day in school.

(Apologies for inserting my photo here. I am not saying that I am a perfect picture of beauty. It’s just that I was glowing in this photo. 😂)

7. Stand up for what you believe in as a christian. If open dating is a no, then it is a no. Say it. Do not settle for the gray areas especially if you are permitted to express yourself freely. If you think premarital sex is wrong, say it. Do not be passive about such things that can endanger your principles. Modern day people might be triggered or shookt about this, but no matter how risky standing up for your faith is, you must do it or just stop preaching at all. Dare to be different because you are set apart for His glory. Christ died for us. You do not have to die to walk your talk. All you need is to be mindful and make sure that God is the center of every action and every word you speak.

8. Embrace who you are. Let not social media dictate who you should be. Wear whatever you are comfortable with not with what IG girls are wearing. Travel not because a well-known personality went there, but because you want to experience the world.

If there is a need to take down your accounts, take the challenge. In that way, may you find yourself again. (Worked for me. Been in a social media hiatus since October. Got back this holiday season. Will be in a hiatus again after.)

Btw, this is a photo of a very natural and true-to-self young boy. A student of mine I consider legit lodi.

9. FAMILY over any form of kaartehan. This is so true for me. Before you worry about your ootd, make sure your family has already eaten their meal. Before raving about the new stuff you got, make sure your family is home safely. Before thinking about your next snap, check how they are and if they are doing well in school/work. It does not make you less of a millennial if your top priority is your family next to God of course.

Just this year my mom was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. She went through medication and a certain diet for her to be tested if the nodules are cancerous. Thank God it wasn’t! It was a great relief. That time I felt the need to spend more and more time with my family. Tell them everyday how much I love them. Eat dinner altogether and so on. I do not want to regret not spending more time with them when I could.

Right now, I just feel so blessed to spend the last day of 2017 at home with my family. ❤️

10. WAIT. Waiting hurts a bit, but waiting is discipline while you anticipate the reward. So, just wait. Whatever it is you are asking God of, wait. He will give it to you at the right time. My friends always ask me when will jowa arrive. I’m just like, “I don’t know. I am waiting patiently. Baka na-traffic lang.” But seriously speaking, waiting is something that will build up and strengthen our faith in God. I know that I won’t be single forever, but for now I just have to trust Him and wait patiently.

I do not know what 2018 has in stored for me, but I am sure that God knows when I’ll see Maldives and London and when I’ll meet God’s best. He knows things I am yet to know and let’s keep it that way. 😉

To everyone who patiently read this blog post from beginning until the end, I pray that you will have a lit and slaying 2018. May God fill each and everyday of your 2018. When setbacks arrive, just pray. You’ll get through it by His grace. You survived 2017, so there’s no way for you to give up in 2018.

With all the love I have inside my heart, happy 2018! 🎆🎇🎉💯👌🏻

#2017 #new year #2018 #realizations #reflections #learning #inspire #inspiration #God #God’s best #Christianity #Christian

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pastramimommy · 7 years

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Notable moments of Summer17

I just need to take a moment to appreciate how fucking amazing this summer has been and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Week in the bay with Lowell and Michelle: got to spend even more time with my best friends! Did drunk karaoke, Japantown, touristy shit, an open mic night, drunk bowling, etc. That was the first exposure my LMU friends had with my FC friends and everyone got along so well :D I died a lil bit at during drunk bowling at the hands of an ex but all the homies were there for me and I love them.

Research: most frustrating experience of my life... I definitely learned a ton about mechanomyography and exercise physiology, but I learned so much more about the research process. It’s fucking hard. especially if you do it alone. Thankfully I had Sophie and a fat stipend to get me through everything!!

Haychella & its related antics: if i didnt live with rachel i would have died. end of story. these events raised my tolerance like crazy and rachel was always there to go drunk fountain swimming with me, hold my hair back when I died at my birthday party and put it on her snapstory when i pissed in my bed after i blacked out at the bars. All of the rage cage and furniture games we played will be in my heart lol

Kehlani concert: shoutout to lowell for being a damn good friend and going to see her and taking edibles with me. seeing ella mai was game changing and i always wear my free merch. It was nice to see my wife again, unfortunately i passed out from dehydration and screaming her lyrics too hard.

Cabo: boy did I get tan and fat. I ate so much shrimp i couldnt feel my legs and my vision was blurry. It was some nice family time but all you can do in cabo is get litty. Shoutout to jacob and emily for going to mango deck and squid roe with me so i could turn up.

Preschool: got to work with some real cuties in the twos class this year but after that, ya girl is DONE. I will forever miss cooper, audrey and carter <3 twas the last summer of a free gym membership and i definitely used the shit out of it. this was the most fit i have ever been in my whole life.

Pierced nipples: pretty self explanatory but thanks for convincing me to go chelsea (:

Audiotistic: THE RAVE THAT CHANGED IT ALL LOL i was feelin my outfit (even though one of the straps on my shorts broke) the lineup was dope as fuck, the moonrocks did me good, and i was with some of my favorite people. Michelle pushed me onto Tim, who I told myself I wouldn’t really think twice about. We danced the whole time and he shouted all of the wrong lyrics into my ear. Even though i almost shat myself bc i had to sneak in, it was fucking worth it.

Giants game with Tim: He slid in the DMs a few days later and we had our first date at a giants game. Even though we were pretty buzzed, I knew he was a real one.

Soulstice: this will be the only time I will roll 2 weeks in a row i swear!! Got to rave with tim and the boys AND josh from lmu!! the music was whatever but I had the fucking time of my life with them.

Berkeley turn up: I had such a good time with such a random group of people (tim & friends, kina, arka, rachel, ben, angel) it was way too fun! i had one of those drunk moments where I just realized how fucking content i am with my life. also, first sexy time ;)

San Diego: nice to get the gang back together! makes me appreciate you all a little bit more! i will remember this trip for what I didn’t remember because I HAVE NEVER BLACKED THIS HARD IN MY LIFE. at least it was after 12 or 13 shots bc that was the most ive ever drank in my life.

KRANE + LA + Summer Sauce: our relationship took like 40 steps forward after our lil trip haha after this, i had met most of your friends and parents and i felt like i was already living with you! I had so much fun at KRANE and Summer Sauce with you. Even though youre always underwhelmed by the music, the experience itself is so much fun with you. I REALLY got to know you (and your fear of spiders) and i’m so glad i found someone who enjoys eating as much as i do. after alllll the hanging out together in such a short amount of time, i found that i didnt hate you and if you can accomplish that, that means you are pretty damn special to me.

Overall, the best thing about this summer was the colliding of worlds with Lmu friends, Michelle’s friends, and my friends. I really feel confident that I’m surrounding myself with the best people possible. Even all the smaller hangouts (more drunk bowling, more drunk karaoke, meringue pie, beach trips, movies, smoke sessions, scavenger hunts, kickbacks, etc) made it alll complete. I love everyone that I have met or gotten close to and I appreciate the shit out of them. After how lit this summer was, I’m ready to go back to the grind and maybe cut down on all the illegal activities for a lil bit so I can focus on school!

#thoughts #personal

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offshore-defxxx · 6 years

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Jaebeom stares at the card in his hands and then up to the looming building in front of him. He glances back down at the card one last time before letting out a heavy sigh.

"Here we go I guess"

He pushes on the door that clearly says PULL and already is regretting his decision to come to this place.

Jackson raved about the man Jaebeom was seeking out.

"Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it, - he's all those things, but actually he's a good fucking person."

Although Jaebeom was completely sure Jackson was quoting Lady Gaga and not actually listening to him when he approached Jackson about his present dilemma.

The building smelled like old people and wet dog much to Jaebeom chagrin. He's allergic to dogs.

Which he only found out because Youngjae and Mark had secretly rescued a stray and brought it back home to "foster". And every time a potential forever family showed up to adopt the pup Youngjae's eyes would well up and he immediately deemed the potential adopters not a good fit.

Jaebeom's eyes start to itch recalling the memory as he pressed for the seventh floor after he entered the elevator.

he hums along to the familiar elevator music...

ma bon sawan chan jed

la mai mee huai bon din ttai

din taeng yang ngai kor oork tuk rrrai

The elevator dings just as the next song begins to start with the low whirl of sirens.

Jaebeom exits the elevator and instinctively turns right. He stops and back tracks realizing he wasnt sure he was even going in the right direction until a loud crash interrupts his thoughts.

"but you SAAIIIDDDD YOU COULD DO IT. YOU PROMISED!!!!"

The voice was whiny and the person behind it sounded like they were on the verge of tears. A giant wet sniff confirmed this.

The door Jaebeom stopped in front of was half way open where the origin of the sound came from. Both the crash and the whiny voice. He peeked in.

"Yugyeom," another man said in an exasperated voice, "adults say they promise things all the time. It's a lie. Everything you know about life IS A LIE. Just like Santa Claus isnt real! You're almost 21! Come on man!"

The source of the whiny voice, Yugueom, squeaked out a gasp and then let out a visceral cry. Even Jaebeom could tell the news he has just heard was a shock to him. He almost felt bad for the guy. 21, and still believed in Santa Claus.

Jaebeom was too caught up in the life changing revelation he had just witnessed and didnt notice someone squatting next to him.

"Really, Santa Claus? --"

"OH MY GOD" Jaebeom falls back and clutches his heart in surprise.

"Poor guy. Last week I had someone in here who was convinced he had the worlds strongest thighs. His reaction when he found out it wasnt true was about the same though."

The man pursued his lips and stared concerningly at the situation in front of them. Jaebeom could only stare at the strange man. And also realized he was talking about Jackson. Which meant -

"I'm Jinyoung by the way. Park Jinyoung. Nice to meet you. Are you here for a consultation?"

He stood as he extended his hand to Jaebeom. Scrambling to his feet Jaebeom stood up and introduced himself.

"Im Jaebeom. I heard you might be able to help me." He shook Jinyoung's hand quickly.

Without another word Jinyoung all but waltz into the chaotic room with the two men crying and yelling. Immediately the two stopped and turned to the door.

"JINYOUNGGGGGGG!!!" Yugyeom, who was tall and had fluffy hair let out first.

"Bambam said Santa Claus ISNT REAL." He said between sniffs. Bambam simply groans at this and sits in a random office chair that rolled near by.

"Have a seat." Jinyoung gestures to a lounge chair ignoring Yugyeom. Jaebeom was sure the chair wasnt there before.

"So, what can I help you with Jaebeom?" Jinyoung says as a rolling cart of coffee, tea, and light pastries arrived next to the table Jinyoung was standing by.

He couldnt believe what was going on. His eyes stared around the room as he noticed books, office supplies, file cases, and Yugyeom??! floated through the air to what Jaebeom could only guess was their rightful places.

"The room is... cleaning itself up??" Jaebeom thought to himself.

"Of course not. Its magic." Jinyoung quipped back as he settled behind the desk. "Tea?"

"Can you read minds too?!" Jaebeom looked wide eyed at Jinyoung who returned his gaze with a confused look.

"You said that outloud."

Jaebeom's face turned beet red. Whatever this place was was making his head spin. He needed to see if this guy could help him or not so he could get the hell out of there.

Jaebeom froze when he realized what he had to do next. He could feel his palms were sweaty and felt like he was gonna throw up last nights spaghetti dinner. The blood rushed to his ears muffling the sound of Jinyoung talking.

"Jaebeom? Hello? Hel~LO" Waving his hands in front of his face. Jinyoung pursed his lips again confused at the development.

"May --"

Jaebeom rips off his bucket hat with a loud grunt revealing the shinest bald head top Jinyoung had seen in his life.

"Whoa. His bald spot is brighter than Yugyeom's future." Bambam said from across the room. Jinyoung shushed him. Sensing the tension Jaebeom must have been feeling.

Jaebeom finally looks up at Jinyoung with tears threatening to waterfall from his eyes.

"I'm- going... BALD. I'm only 25! Ive tried every thing. Creams. Shampoo. Diets. Genetic testing. Home remedies. EVERYTHING man!! Can you... please help me?" The words came rushing out of Jaebeom's mouth and Jinyoung only barely understood him.

Indeed. Jinyoung had never been approached with this kind of problem before. He wasnt sure if he could help. He stared at Jaebeom. And his shiny bald top. And back to Jaebeom. He knew he had to help.

Before Jaebeom could respond Yugyeom and Bambam grabbed Jaebeom by his limbs and held him back as Jinyoung slapped on a pair of latex gloves.

"Jaebeom ah. This is the only way I can help you."

Jaebeom tried to scream but no sound came out. He struggled against Yugyeom and Bambam's restraints knowing he should have been able to throw the off of him. Jinyoung approached him ominously with a scalpel in his hands. Jaebeom felt his eyes bulge out of his head as he tried helplessly again to scream.

Jinyoung's cool latex covered hand set on his head and Jaebeom squeezed his eyes shut not wanting to feel what happens next.

"WAKE UP MAN. COME ON. ITs 1:31 AM. WAKE THE FUCK UP" It was Jackson.

Jaebeom was still screaming when Jackson slapped him in the face.

"Are you okay?"

Jaebeom turns to see Jinyoung on his other side looking on at him worried.

Jaebeom reaches for the top of his head to feel it.

Hair. No bald spot.

Just wonderfully color dyed hair. He rubbed and pulled the top of his head and laughed.

Yugyeom, Bambam, Youngjae, Jackson, and Jinyoung all looked around the room at each other and to Jaebeom with confused looks on their faces.

"He's gone crazy. I'm going back to bed."

"Me too!"

Yugyeom and Bambam turn to leave. "I'm surprised Mark could sleep through his screaming." "You know Mark, he could sleep through a hurricane." They said to each other as they leave.

Jaebeom still had both hands running through his full head of hair when he let our a sigh of relief.

The remaining members let out a defeated sigh and smiled at jaebeom.

"Thank god it was just a dream."

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qdesjardin · 7 years

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So much spirals through Curtis’s mind in that vast unconsciousness. His friends. The warmth of summer. The jokes he’d crack with his brothers (and sister) at home. Clare. The molotov fires he ran away from.

Lillian. (How could you have betrayed me. You betrayed my feelings!)

Why is it so hard to pull away from her? He still remembers her tenderness, her liveliness and how she was together with him, he cannot just switch it off and forget it like it’s nothing. She was his first love..

“CJ..”

He wakes up at a hospital bed. A nurse adjusts his blankets, and his friends are there too, awaiting him. “You crazy motherfucker," his friend Ivan goes, "what’d you get yourself into, eh?”

CJ is in a daze, his brain still sorting out the events of last night. But a strange lull, a comfort takes him. He accepts a cup of water from Ivan (how considerate), and tries gazing out the window – the orange-hued lighting suggests a hazy evening.

CJ then breaks down into tears, as feelings emerge, unrecessed. Ivan pats his back, and when CJ closes his eyes – he finds himself not in the hospital bed anymore, but rather in red bedsheets, silken and soft, enveloping him.

He's in bed.. with her. With Lillian. She is smiling, her eyes complacent, radiating calm – you see it and you think of nothing else except soaking in this moment.

"Why are you crying?" she asks.

A beat.

"Because I thought I'd never.. find you happy with me again." CJ reaches out and embraces her; two nude forms, radiating and sharing warmth. The kiss just tastes like that almost-forgotten sweetness, spreading through his body.

"Silly dear, don't fret yourself so."

She brushes his hair aside, and runs a finger down his brow, delicately capturing a tear. "You are.. the most charming.. wonderously handsome boy I've met. You know, I've always liked you.. even before that graduation ball. I loved it when you slid down the hill backwards, when you danced your heart out in the hallway."

He lets out a trembling breath because her words are an antidote to the night's torture, that he could not recall exactly, but could still feel its gut-punch. "Who am I to you, Lillian?"

"You are Curtis. A person who I'll cherish always in my heart."

Some part of him knows it's just a dream; please let it last.

"Please hold me," she goes, and as he hugs her she burrows her head in his chest.

He feels her silky hair, smelling of mint and bergamont.. why does her body feel like plasticine now? He opens his eyes – she is deteriorating, dry skin flaking off en masse, her hair falling out. Where there used to be a lively sweetness in her eyes, it's sullen and filled with disgust, contempt.. an unpleasant coldness.

"No," he goes. "Oh no no.."

As so, he hears the loud cheering of a raving crowd. "Let's give it up for Lillian and the Tei Shi Moguls~!"

It turns out the bed was on a stage. He gets up from the red bedsheets, bloodstained, and the curtains are pulling back, splitting away the darkness, revealing everyone – bathed in a hellish orange.

A spotlight turns on. It shines on Lillian, a few feet away – in her rocker outfit, the rest of her band a vague blur. She has her microphone, her red lipstick, and she thanks everyone for their support, before the drummer goes: "One, two-- one two three four--"

The bass and guitar kick in, and it's a very throbbing tune, almost deafening. Curtis finds a stack of cardboard sheets and uses that to hide his privates – he sees Cesar, the guitarist, madly jeering with his guitar, intimidating and ghoulish looking with the white makeup. The thought kicks in, why doesn't he just put a stop to it all? There must be a mixer, or a power switch nearby..

CJ, more mad now than fearful, glances at where the lead guitarist's power cable is plugged in – it leads to a giant electrical socket on the wall, aha. He runs over, notices how so much cables are plugged in, and rips them all out, one by one.

Sparks surge out the holes from where he unplugged them.

"Stop! What the hell are you doing!?" His heart is rushing, sure, and the band's music trembles off to a halt. But he wants to rip everything out-- all the hurt, all the pain and nonsense. The socket itself catches fire, and when CJ looks back, the crowd is all gone, and the band seems to have combusted into ash.

There's a calm quiet.. and her, slumped down on her knees. Daylight seems to burn through the ceiling, you could see the blue sky and clouds, and CJ feels there might be reconciliation yet. He approaches her.

"You messed everything up," she goes, as if defeated. "Just please, go away--"

"No," he says, taking a stand. "I'm not going to leave you just because."

The gym seems to collapse, as if its structure were like a vampire getting eviscerated by the light. Pieces of the ceiling crumble and slam across the ground. Curtis knows he doesn't have much time left. Why do things always have to be pressed short, just when it's getting good?

"I came all this way, scoured the places we've been to, because I know you're Lillian. You're not just anyone I could find from the street – I've.. this is my first time I've ever loved anyone in my life. Without you.. it would've just been any other summer for me."

Remnants of the Lillian he once knew – a gleam in her eyes. A ray of light shines on her face, and he sees that she's in tears as well.

"I know I'm not the perfect guy," CJ goes. "I get clingy, cause it hurts when you're not there for me in return. When nothing's whole or real anymore, it's some of the worst feelings to have. I can't help having fallen in love with you, and I only want another chance.. just to be happy, with you."

Something has reached through to Lillian. She gazes up, "Oh, Curtis.. I'm so sorry..!" She rushes forth to embrace CJ.

Suddenly, a huge fracture splits through the ground around them, and it's like the entire gym is blowing away, like leaves in a wind, eventually leaving only the sky, as seen from the window of a plane. Heavy orange, white and purple-hazed clouds scudding over a bright red sky. It could be anywhere in the world.

Curtis – he sits by the window seat, hopeful of what lies ahead, and he finds Lillian beside him, restful and sleeping with an airline blanket covering her. Her arm wrapped around his. They're flying home together. The only thought in his head is where they'd go after, once they've landed.

The rest of his dream is a faint blur. He smells nectar, and then wakes up in a dreary hospital room. His arm is hooked up to an IV. The nurse tells him that he was lucky to have an ambulance sent for; a concerned rocker thought he'd overdosed on drugs.

CJ doesn't have his phone. But there's a TV where it's broadcasting Peppa Pig dubbed in French, before one of the neighbouring patients gets bored enough to yell for the channel to be changed. On the news, there's a reported bomb threat that has the international airport on lockdown, and Curtis thinks – man, lucky me, I don't have to be waiting forever in that crowd! He catches a glimpse of Lillian and her family amidst in the lineups.

But what is he going to do? His housing license, his travel visa is going to expire..

He gets on his phone and opens up about what's happening with his pals. (Well, not the part where he tried to win the girl back.)

"Dude, it's impossible to travel by plane back to America.. the only way out is to take the ferries, and that's far-out by the west coast," his friend Ivan goes (he's from Canada).

"How can we get there?"

"We'll have to rent a minivan, and get a 2-week extension on our visas while we're at it. It's going to be a hella roadtrip!"

Dmitriy is chuckling, because he already is taking the subway back to Russia – no struggles there.

CJ is energised by that prospect – he can't wait to get out of France, whose romantic lustre has faded. It'll be one more time that he could have fun with his friends..

After a medical checkup, CJ heads back to his housing, gathers up his luggage, and takes a taxi ride over to his friend Ivan's apartment, where his other American buddies are chilling. They have kegs of beer, and they're hovering around the tablet-table where Ivan is planning out their awesome road trip to Calais – it's close to the UK, and the ferry will make a stop by Bexhill before arriving in New York two days later.

A sleepover. Ivan (high as fuck) and CJ share the same room, while the other buds are out in the TV room by the couch.

Ivan asks if CJ is trembling over what's to come tomorrow – he feels as if it's just like when embarking on as an exchange student for the first time, a year ago.

"I'm not.. I'm just glad to have spent this time with you fellas," CJ goes. "You made my year."

"About Lillian.." Ivan goes. "I'm sorry what happened between you and her. I think she's not that stable to begin with.. I remember her screaming her guts out at some girl over a betrayal."

"Really?" It's just interesting to know sides of people that they'd never tell you about upfront.

"There's plenty of women out there – and especially for a guy like you, I'm sure.. once you cultivate enough confidence, have your own style, your own flair; see, with the chicks today, they're looking for a real assertive man. Not some suck-up nice guy who can't get it up in bed cause he's drunk too much soy milk."

CJ and Ivan have a good laugh together.

It is tomorrow. Ivan haggles over the price of a rental van with the dealer – it's supposed to be 120 euros cheaper, while CJ sits outside with the others, bumming a good smoke as the wind blows leaves through. This is the last he'll see of Paris, he thinks.

When Ivan's like "We're all set!", they squeeze their bags into the back and proceed to drive through the morning traffic.

It's a hum-drum coasting through the roads, with Ivan's rap songs blaring out – classics like Tupac and Eazy-E that CJ has grown up with. It looks to be a very good way of kicking off the drive. Some drivers nod their heads in approval to the music, hearing it.

They arrive by a checkpoint. The officers stop their minivan for a random frisk and evaluation of their luggage – make sure they're not transporting illegal goods or on a wanted list.

"We're good guys!" one of CJ's friends [Josh] say.

A truck pulls up behind them. The frisking continues, with Martinez asked about his stash of risque comics (it makes him blush). The truck's engine stops, and a guy – roughly built; cold, steely eyes – pops out the driver's door. He's very upset over the delay (moreso with the unexpected frisking procedures). He yells torrents of French words at the officers, mixed with Arabic profanities.

Ivan gets ticked off at the guy's tone. "Hey, what THE FUCK is your problem dude? Just wait your turn, dickwad!"

There's a deathlike rattle in the air, as the guy seems to struggle for a moment with a spellbinding decision. His nostrils flare and the officers are taken aback by how fast he pulls out a bottle and splashes its contents over Ivan and the officer beside him.

It is battery acid.

Ivan yelps – he clutches his face in sheer pain.

Curtis is frozen with shock. The other officers pull out their pistols, but don't manage it in time as the guy has pulled out a knife and stabs them with the efficiency of Emperor Palpatine against the Master Jedi.

A pistol clatters near Martinez. He has the bright idea of just shooting the guy while he's unaware, so he fires at his head and blows off his ear, fooling him into thinking he's downed the guy.

Ivan's screaming, so Martinez attends him – his face is swollen yellow and green, and his eyes are totally bloodshot.

The guy recovers, and swiftly lunges at Martinez, who still has the pistol and shoots at the guy through his fingers (leaving just his forefinger and thumb). The guy is unfazed. He has his knife and plunges it several times through Martinez. For Curtis, it's like having his soul shredded.

"CJ – run!!" Josh yells, and the both of them flee the scene together.

They hastily run through abandoned alleyways, while hearing the distant approaching sirens of police reinforcement. Still hearing the guy's gutteral sounds pursuing their footsteps, they don't bother simply waiting for the police to show up and save the day.

Instead, they emerge out into a crowded square, where CJ pants, recovering his breath – he hasn't run so much since the gym marathons at school, then Josh points out a cafe to go hide. The scent of coffee relaxes them.

An unoccupied table.

Curtis takes the relief of having a seat – he pulls down the window drapes. He feels a weird ache in his chest. He'll never be with Ivan or Martinez ever again. Josh offers him a tissue, and when a waitress comes by, CJ is too distraught, so Josh says to get him a glass of water. They're recovering themselves and don't notice the nervous gait with which the waitress carries herself.

"I swear to God, that fucker's going to pay," CJ goes, crumpling his tissue in his fingers. "How can someone just.. kill people, like they're obstacles in the way?"

Josh explains it's no different than when you're playing against other players online, the struggle to win. Except this happens in real life, and the way you win is smiting down whoever you call the bad guys. Here, the lines are blurred – it's strange and just awkward to label real people as evil, and you're traumatized when you see in person someone committing horrible deeds. Because you're naturally hardwired as a social animal to care and be receptive, and when you don't have that environment anymore, you're lost, disoriented in anomie.

Muslims have been displacing French people in their own country for years, being pressured to accept that this wave of immigration, multiculturalism, call it what you will – is the norm, and you can either just accept it, turn a blind eye to the horrible things that occur, or face the increasingly uphill struggle of shouting "No, this is not right!"

The country they naively thought was the romantic dream is but a pale remnant. They were lucky enough that the high school as well as their residences were situated far from the Muslim zones.

Luckily they still have their wallets, but what are they going to do? They're both out of a home and uncomfortably stuck in a foreign land – all their stuff is in the luggage they left in the van.

"We've got to get our luggage," Josh says. "Co'mon--" Then he stops. Curtis glances at Josh's paralysis, then looks at where Josh's gaze is lying at, and he sees that many of the cafe's occupants are Muslims. Rugged-looking, boisterously talking, yet with the aura of being always on a knife's edge. No women whatsoever.

They've been talking out loud about what's happening, in the presence of these people (who barely conceal their aside glances).

"Curtis?" Josh goes, with a doe-eyed feel to his face. "Let's get outta here--"

A bunch of Muslim men have surrounded them.

This is it, Curtis thinks, this is how it ends. My life is over because I've happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. His anxiety palpitates.

"American tourists?" they ask.

Josh and CJ look at each other, and Josh is nodding "yeah yeah." So CJ tells them, "Yeah, we are."

The leader of their group mutters something, then one of them rummages through a bag (Curtis gulping) before pulling out a crudely made stick figure, with sewed-on buttons for eyes. "Our souvenir for youse. Twenty Euros."

CJ stares at the thing in disbelief. "Wha-- no thanks!"

"Twenty euros. You buy now."

Josh tries to stand up, but the leader just pats down hard on his shoulder. It's not a negotiation.

So Josh rummages through his wallet, finds he only has 17 euros, and CJ has 3. Without hesitation, one of the Muslims yank their wallets, pull the bills and coins out and thrusts the stick figure onto the table. But it's not over yet.

"You think we are scum?" the leader goes, more gruff. "You think we terrorize, we treat everyone horribly?"

"No, hey, we don't think that," CJ goes, nervously.

"You do. Don't you lie or try to flatter, we were hearing you talking. You think we bullshit?"

"You're an ordinary French citizen.." CJ goes. "Just like everyone else, yeah, you're nice, and we really appreciate your uhh.. figurine. We were just talking about how the times were changing in France, with the diverse demographics.."

"You FUCK WITH US?" The leader shoves CJ back, clattering him onto the floor with the chair, while the rest of the Arabian men cheer.

Josh is frightened, but seeing his friend Curtis shoved takes the cake. He elbows the leader in the eye. "Hey shitter, NO ONE does that to one of my friends!"

The men stop cheering, and decide to shove and slap Josh around in a circle. He struggles, but gets bruises and his shirt torn and rammed onto the table, which topples over with his weight and overturns – leaving him shivering while curled-up.

Then they unzip their pants – they are on the verge of collectively peeing on CJ and Josh..

The owner of the cafe pops out from upstairs, with the waitress pointing out the troublesome scene. He has a shotgun, cocked and locked, aimed at the offending clients. "The next blow stricken will not be from your fists, but out my barrel! Get out!"

For the first time, you see the men wary and startled. "We were just joking.." The leader gets up, rubbing his bruised eyelid, and places the $20 euros on a table as if to compensate for the trouble – the owner cocks his shotgun and aims more tightly.

The Muslim clients seem to leave peacefully, with one of them still sipping their cappuchino from a cup. When the cafe owner loses tension in his aim-- he angrily throws the cup hard in the owner's face, splashing the lukewarm coffee all over.

The owner shoots the gun by reflex, exploding one of the men's torsos in a dazzle of smoke, torn fabric and ejected blood, while loose pellets end up injuring another.

The Muslim men are enraged by what the owner did to one of their brothers. They will strike upon the owner with great vengeance and furious anger, such as it is with anyone who dares attempt to poison and destroy who they call their kin.

When the owner wipes the coffee from his eyes, he realises what's done. They're advancing on him, so many of them, toppling aside the tables in the way, and panicking, the owner cocks his shotgun, backing off – a spent shell clatters on the floor. They're on the owner by the time he's ready to fire again, and pummel him, his gun discharging and blowing off his own toes.

Josh and CJ helplessly watch the owner, screaming in pain as he slides back down against a wall.

The Muslims go behind the counter - one of them grabbing, fondling and kissing the poor, stunned waitress ("C'mere bitch, let me show you de wey.") They loot the cash register, the tips, anything they find of value, then finding the wine bottles, they uncork them and splash the wine over every surface.

CJ is able to recover himself, but doesn't move yet lest he attract their attention.

With the last wine bottle, they uncork it, stuff a fabric in it, and set the fabric on fire with a lighter. A molotov cocktail.

"May Allah spare you an ounce of mercy, my friend," they go, before tossing the thing directly onto the slouched owner.

The bottle splashes, and the owner is aglow in flames maddening. He is flailing, screeching, the flames cascading from his body to all the surfaces, and the Muslim men are laughing, with the waitress's muffled cries of horror. "Now we're done with you! Allah ackbar!"

They rush out the door, and CJ gets up, the rising smoke stinging his eyes. He hurries to get Josh standing, as the flames rapidly spread over the floor – rushing over where they were lying a few seconds ago.

They hobble outside into the square, coughing, soot over them. Onlookers have their phones and glasses recording the spectacle; distant sirens converge, and someone rushes over to help Josh and CJ away from the burning cafe, falling apart and crumbling into bits.

#mine

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