#that for the first time since i was 11 years old i actually see myself having a future

[cry4mina]

Take Me Back to Eden - Ascensionism (Part 4)

(Nayeon x Fem!reader)

Take Me Back to Eden - Choke Hold - Part 1

Take Me Back To Eden - Granite - Part 2

Take Me Back To Eden - Aqua Regia - Part 3

Word Count: 8.5k Angst/Angst/Smut Summary: Reader finds out the truth behind what Jihyo and Nayeon has been up to, she takes the steps to become more independent and heal her grief, only to fall back into old habits. TW: Betrayal, suggestive themes, lying, break ups, cheating, manipulative behavior, anxiety, top!reader x Bottom!nayeon, choking, degradation, truthfully its rough sex but anyways, let me know if I missed anything! A/N: After a reasonable amount of requests I decided to continue the series. I also decided to write smut for the first time. Thank you to @saiiidahyunee @neoplatinum and @miinatozakiii for the help/advice for this part! <3 (srsly, this wouldn't have happened without them)

--

“Did she believe you or do we actually need to stop seeing each other?” 

Pulse radiating in every cell of your body, waiting to see if there’s another text from Jihyo. Absolutely baffled as the lie shatters your consciousness, returning you to the jagged spiral you were still reeling from.

It was true. She did this to you. 3 years of deception and it was all happening right under your nose. 

Knees buckling underneath you as you think back to the conversation you had in the kitchen the night prior. 

The tears she shed, the way she spoke…the way she studied your face… She was acting through the whole thing and you believed her. 

“Nothing has happened since, and nothing like this would ever happen again. I wanted to tell you but the person I was then and the person I am now are two completely different people. Even that version of myself would never dream of hurting you in such a way.”

 Stomach churning at the words previously said, fighting back the hatred growing in you. 

‘Please understand that I would do anything to remove this from my past…our past.” 

Nauseously fighting the tears threatening to spill from your eyes, remembering how your skin felt against hers as you slept next to her the night prior and you cringe knowing it was all fake and you had fallen for it. 

Nayeon’s phone vibrates in your hand again, revealing another text from the other responsible party. 

“We can lay low for a little while and let it all simmer down, if that’s easier. But I don’t want to stop being with you.”

As you stare at the screen, truth reflects back onto your face, flashing through your memories with her. Decorating the house on the holidays, her meeting your parents, anniversaries, going out to dinner; Even the small touches to show affection that intertwined themselves into everyday life hardened your exterior as you built your walls back up brick by brick wondering how long they’ll hold up with the digital reinforcement you’ve stumbled upon.   

The need for the truth pokes at your chest while opening the text thread between her and Jihyo. 

———————————Yesterday 11:34 pm——————————

Jihyo: Y/n didn’t seem to believe me when we spoke, I hope she listens to you or we might have a problem. 11:34pm

Nayeon: We might have a problem then 11:35pm

Nayeon: I don’t know if her and I will make it thru this 11:35pm

Jihyo: Do what u can. We will just have to cover our asses if the company finds out we are sleeping together. 11:37pm

Nayeon: It seems like she can’t really make a decision. I put her to bed a little while ago because she was exhausted. 11:38pm

Nayeon: She did bring me dinner last night… 11:38pm

Nayeon: She actually just came to the living room and def only in underwear…I’ll update u in the morning. 11:40pm

Jihyo: Just because she’s the piece that’s keeping the public and our company from finding out doesn’t mean I want to hear stuff like that, Nayeon. 11:42pm

———————————Today 8:12 am——————————

Jihyo: Did she believe you or do we actually need to stop seeing each other? 8:12am

Jihyo: We can lay low for a little while and let it all simmer down, if that’s easier. But I don’t want to stop being with you. 8:14am

Forgetting to blink as you’re reading the thread, in disbelief that you almost gave them the forgiveness they asked for. Caught between the smoke and mirrors, an illusion painted for the public eye to cover the secret that only they knew. 

Screenshot clicks lightly as you send yourself the evidence and delete the pictures from the text thread as well as Nayeon’s phone. You wanted to be able to look back on this and remind yourself that she was responsible, and that you'd never give her another chance. 

Sliding her phone into your pocket, you walk into the bedroom. 

Nayeon is distracted in the bathroom preparing for your morning shower together. Hearing the door of the shower sliding open and the sound of the head sputtering to start. The clashing of the water hitting the tile mimics the storm you felt brewing up inside of you.  

As your rage builds you quickly grab a backpack out of the closet, unintentionally knocking a tote bag down as you pull the straps. Trinkets of all kinds scatter across the floor, you flinch at the sound and look down at the mess before immediately unzipping the bag.

“Is everything okay, baby?” Nayeon yells from the bathroom, it's muffled by the foam of her toothpaste as you hear her spit into the sink.

Body tensing at the pet name, knowing the illusion of the past 3 years was uncomfortable and devastating. 

“Yes. Just dropped something.” You shout back trying to hide the towering rage that is rocking against the winds of change your digital confirmation created. 

 “Okay, my love, I’ll be waiting for you in the shower.” She sings back trying to play cute with you. 

You roll your eyes while shoving the bag full of everything you’d need for the next few days as quickly as possible. Clothes, charger, wallet, important documents, and your laptop. 

Putting on the first pair of pants you see and not even bothering to change out of the oversized sweater you threw on to cover up while you had your morning coffee. 

Quietly running to the dresser to grab some socks, your foot kicks some of the mess left on the floor. Sighing at the annoyance of it being in your way but it slows down enough to see what the contents were. Jewelry you’d never seen, love notes opened with a wax seal, and countless pictures of Jihyo and Nayeon together. 

Frozen in fury as you take in what you’re unintentionally uncovering, a singular tear drenched in anguish falls - the tap on the photo echoing in your ears. Reaching your limit and the overflow of emotions are about to spill out of you in a slurry of misery and hatred.

Grabbing the specific Polaroid of them kissing, tucking it into your pocket with her phone and leaving everything else where it landed. Preparing for the confrontation, knowing she’ll probably try to cover it again. No more running from it and no more hiding from it, you had her cornered with the proof that she was a liar. 

Hopping onto the counter in the bathroom, you waited for Nayeon to realize you’re there. The shower door is slightly open, she left it for your entrance. Opening her eyes momentarily to see you staring back at her, much like most mornings. 

This morning was different though, after the fight you got into that spread out over a week and the information you got this morning; there was a thickness in the air that wasn’t just steam. Almost visible in how it intimately caressed your heart into a conflicted mess of emotions, waging wars inside your chest.  

 “Aren't you gonna join me? I’ve got a blank canvas for you if you’d like to make more art out of me.” She coyly says, winking at you.

 Your cringe is covered by the steam coated glass, repulsed by the thought of this stranger touching you the way she used to. The trust was no longer there. Being past anger, past sadness, and clinging to the numbness so you could get through this conversation. 

Trying to keep your brain on track when Nayeon steps out of the shower and walks towards you, seductively. A thin layer of sweat is starting to appear on your skin as she gets closer to you, you’re trying to talk yourself out of the thoughts of what would happen if you just showered with her and forgot what you found. 

You can’t do that to yourself, you know that. You would never knowingly accept less than you deserve but your heart was fighting you with every step she took towards you.

She puts her wet hands on your thighs, allowing the material to cling to your skin, “why are you wearing these? Just so I can take them off?” Her pupils are wide as she fixates on your face watching you half glare back at her.

 Swallowing as you try to keep yourself from shaking as the numbness wears off and turns to despair and then shifting erratically to pure anger and then back to despair again. The pattern is familiar, you’ve lived it before a few times. Trying your best to conceal the rapidly changing mood and keep a straight face.

 It seems to go unnoticed as she parts your jean clad legs and slides her waist between them wrapping her arms around your neck. Shivering at the warmth of her skin against yours as her fingers lace through the hair on the back of your head, trying to get you to cave into her wants. 

Your body is definitely reacting to her being this close to you the way it always did. The ache in your core screaming at the familiarity but your mind is repulsed. How many times had she done this with Jihyo? 

Not pulling away, allowing her to set herself up, the same way she let you. Leaning into your ear, lips brushing against its shell as she whispers “I’d love to take this off, if you’ll let me.”

“Do you really think you deserve it after what you’ve done?” sternly leaves your mouth. 

Clench her thighs as you speak, she loves when you talk to her that way. Not realizing that your voice is heavy with a different type of malice, not the usual light hearted mask you wear for her when she wants some roughness. 

 Hands come off your neck and slide under the sweater. She’s relieved you don’t have a bra on as she scratches harshly down your back, like she always did during sexually driven moments much like this one, in an attempt to rile you up more. 

It works for a moment, you groan and chase after her lips as she teasingly pulls away from you. Challenging your power and being a brat, refusing what you were asking for to intentionally make things more heated. Two can play that game.

“Close your eyes and hold your hands out.” Softly spoken while only an inch away from her face. Her half lidded eyes looking up at you for a moment. The sparkle for you is still encapsulated in her big brown eyes. 

Immediately listening, placing full trust in you. Removing her from between your legs, you guide her back and against the glass shower door. It rattles on impact as she leans against it, inciting a gasp from her. 

Her hands are up and out, waiting for whatever you had in store for her.  She’s smiling up at you, eyes closed, intrigued about what you’d place in her digits. 

Reaching into your pocket and pulling out her phone and the picture. Looking at them one more time before placing them directly into her hands, almost as an offering, like it’s your ticket out of this mess you unknowingly found yourself in. 

“You can open them now.” Tone leaving little to mystery as it sneers out of you. 

Her brows furrow as she realizes something isn’t right. Nayeon opens her eyes and looks down at what you’ve placed in her hands. Confusion waves across her face until she sees the image of her and Jihyo kissing, staring back at her. Hearing the gasp leave her lips, a deep gust of air is still not enough for Nayeon as she almost starts to panic.

You’re out of the room in seconds, her quickly following behind you, she grabs onto the sweater leaving a wet handprint that matches the ones on your thighs. 

 “Please, let me explain!” she begs frantically and tugs on the sweater harder to try and get your attention while you’re gathering more necessities for your daily routines. 

“Drop the act, Nayeon. I don’t want to hear anymore from you.” Your tone is growing more callous as time goes on. It roughens up the few soft spots she had even if it was entirely her fault you were going through this life changing event.

 Her face shifts from worried to annoyed as you sprint around the room, not bothering to organize anything being placed into the backpack.

“And where are you going to go, huh?” she asks, tilting her head and dropping her arms to her side heavily, allowing her frustration to show for a split second before she remembers she’s still completely naked and dripping wet from the shower on the rug in your bedroom.

Taking a step forward to get in her face, you startle her, not expecting you, soft gentle y/n, to approach her in such a way. Leaning back when you stepped forward but not breaking eye contact. You watch her leg start to bounce as she gets more anxious realizing you were angry in a way she had never seen, fire behind your eyes noticeable as you adjust your stance to show her you weren’t backing down and you were no longer scared to lose her. 

Movement feeling foreign to her as she’s unable to keep calm like the Nayeon you knew of. Backed into a corner and baring her teeth as you confront her about her wrong doings, is an attempt to control the situation and she was about to try an old tactic that had worked previous to this. 

Playing with the belt loops on your jeans, she brings her voice back to the sweet one you used to know,  “Are you just going to keep running away from me? Or can we talk this out? I thought we were okay. I thought we could get past this together” Retorting in a semi-cooled tone. Eyes watering again and the block of ice in your chest is trying to thaw in you as she leans in to put her satin lips on yours for a small second of contact before you avoid the affection, knowing you’d crumble at the act. Not allowing yourself to fall into her grasp again, knowing she was willing to hurt you in an incomprehensible way, and feel no guilt.  

“That was before I saw those texts and before I found the bag of secret Jihyo shit in the closet, Nayeon!” 

Looking down at the phone you handed her to read the message. The realization of what’s happening washes over her face, it couldn’t be played off as a misunderstanding anymore. She had been caught red handed and had to deal with the consequences. 

Nayeon leaned in harder to her act of fake innocence, insinuating that you were in fact the big bad for violating her trust like she wasn’t the one who burnt yours to crisps and used the ashes as eyeshadow.

“Why did you go through my phone?” She crosses her arms, pushing her breasts together. She’s trying to distract you with multiple tactics but it wasn’t working, her act faltering when scrutinized. . 

Extremely angry, your brain couldn’t see her as anything other than an enemy. “Is that really what you’re worried about right now? Our entire relationship was a false front for you and Jihyo and all you can do is try to flip it on me?! …Who made you like this?” harshly asking just trying to understand what she had to gain from hurting you in such a way. 

“You don’t trust me?” Nayeon says sweetly, touching your torso again. Pulling away roughly, unable to  believe it’s even a question she thought would be a good to say out loud, when you both knew what the answer was. 

 “You have been cheating on me for the entirety of our relationship and you have the audacity to ask if I trust you? Fuck you.I gave you the opportunity to be honest with me and you threw it right back in my fucking face, Nayeon!” laying into her, letting out every drop of anger she caused you through your teeth.

“3 years of what?! You completely ruined everything, our entire relationship was fake so you could fuck Jihyo without suspension! So absolutely not, I don’t trust you in any sense of the word.” voice starting to crack as you tear up, “and to think I was actually going to propose to you” letting the sadness of the future lost memories drain out of you onto the person who caused it all. 

Speechless and not believing that the docile person who was head over heels for her could have such venom to spit. A new light is shining down on you as you display your livid behavior. Oddly, even more attracted to you than she already was, she was in a trance as she realized what you said. 

“You were going to…propose?” Quietly said back to you. Her eyes are saddened as she starts to understand the weight of her choices and all the things that will never happen again between the two of you. The guilt cuts deep, creating a sharp sting in her chest as a heart string popped.  

Rolling your eyes and open the drawer in the kitchen that normally is reserved for “junk” to pull out a little black box, slamming it on the counter. “I really wanted to…” allowing yourself to be vulnerable for a moment as she reaches out to open the jewelry box and sees the perfect ring. 

The pear shaped diamond in the middle was huge, with little diamonds laid into a rose gold band. This is how she described her dream wedding ring to you on your 3rd date. You wrote it down in the notes of your phone for the moment you would need it, thinking she was the one. 

Eyes matching the diamonds, sparking with light as they fill with tears. She never thought about how much you paid attention or how well you knew her. Too wrapped up in playing her role with both you and Jihyo to even think that you were set on her being the one you wanted to spend your life with.  

“I need you to tell me how it started. I need to know why.” speaking cold heartedly, keeping the distance between the two of you. 

“...It did start with a drunken night. That was true. I never tho-” She started as she lowered her eyes. 

“Look at me when you’re talking.” deliberately call her out, rattling her a little bit, her face turns red, eye wide as she goes to speak again.

“I never thought that it would go this far with her. I really was genuinely upset when Jihyo told me what happened the first time. I didn’t remember anything at all and then she convinced me not to say anything and then we hung out a few days later and…it happened again but sober this time and it just never stopped. There was no emotion behind it for me, I swear. I love you, not her.” 

A freight train crashes through you as you reel at the information hitting your ears. 

“You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to claim you love me when you’ve been living in a black light paradise with someone else this entire time.” hissing dispassionately to assert your words.

“But two things can be true at once, like you always say…” throwing back at you with a smirk knowing how much your own rhetoric being used on you makes you angry. 

Aggressively grabbing your backpack again and heading towards the door again, once intimidating, now a way to safety as you jerk it open, feening for escape from the heavy atmosphere. Your steps are quick and precise as you make your exit. 

 “I made a mistake, y/n. She’s not you. She will never be you.” Almost shouted at you as one foot stepped over the threshold. 

 “You were the mistake and I hope your guilt drowns you.” 

– 

An anchor pulls your heart to the bottom of the ocean. You told Nayeon to drown but it was you who couldn’t swim. Pulling harshly at your arteries as you sludge towards your car, feeling as if you’re moving in slow motion just trying to escape the shark infested waters.

Remembering this same feeling from before, but this one was much more certain. With the evidence in front of you, the admission from both parties, and the way Nayeon spoke to you- there was no more safety in who she portrayed herself to be. The illusion has smashed into shards of false love, leaving you to pick up the pieces. 

You drive to Momo’s house, not bothering to call before showing up, you don’t think you could speak anymore, your jaw is tense the entire way there to hold everything in. 

Walking up to the door and hitting the door bell, the dogs bark to alert their owners. The locks click open and the door cracks open to reveal a surprised Momo. 

“Y/n, what are you do-“ cutting her off as you collapse into her arms. You kept it together long enough to get to your best friend, but now the dam was broken and unable to contain the pure pain that was born from the cruelness Nayeon showed you.

Momo drags you into the house and sits you on the same couch you slept on days before, sitting next to you and trying to comfort you as you shake and sob, wrapping your arms around yourself trying to create a sense of safety for yourself that couldn’t be torn from you.

“Y/N, what happened?” Momo is so concerned with your inability to calm down, it’s starting to make her upset. 

Dahyun walks into the room, hearing the commotion. The loudness of your sobs ringing in her ears with her heart sinking into her stomach as she sits on the other side of you, joining Momo’s effort to comfort you. 

Shakily breathing as you try to regulate yourself yet again, this time it feels harder than the last because at least last time there was hope. You are only experiencing extreme sadness and betrayal, with a lot of anger mixed in it but there was no hope present.   

Unaware of how long you’ve been crying as Dahyun gets up “I’ll go make up the guest bedroom.” Rubbing your back as she walks past you. 

“Thank you,” you squeak out through your teeth, struggling to calm down. 

Momo has a look on her face that could cut diamonds. Anger radiating off her cheeks as she grabs her phone, taps it a few times and brings it to her ear quickly, she stands and taps her foot waiting for the other person to answer.  

Nayeon is heard on the other side, “is she with you?” 

Momo’s face is repulsed by this considering the state of you in front of her but she answers the question anyway,

 “Yes, what happened? She’s obviously not okay. Tell me what happened.” Momo’s arms are crossed, standing up she shifts her weight from one leg to the other. 

“I don’t know, she just got upset and left”

“Nayeon, I have known you for years.You’re lying. Y/N wouldn’t just show up sobbing uncontrollably for no reason, so tell me what happened or I'm hanging up.” talking with her hands, raising them in a frustrated manner as the lies keep coming.

“Well if she didn’t want to hurt herself she should have gone through my phone.” annoyance present in Nayeon’s tone.

Momo looks over at you, devastated for the second time on her couch pulling your phone out in silence and showing her the text thread screenshots you had taken earlier.

“It’s not as big of a deal as it’s being made out to be.”

“Are you serious right now?” Momo harshly questions as Nayeon continues. 

“Are you going to question Jihyo like you questioned me? Or are we just gonna pretend like she’s not part of this too?” 

The sharpness in her tone was something you had witnessed before but the taste of her name coming out of Nayeon’s mouth was unbearable.

Momo gasps at the new knowledge that has now been thrown at her. Completely statuesque, as she tries to wrap her mind around what Nayeon just said.

 Momo’s eyes look up on your screen to reveal the name at the top of the text thread: Jihyo  

The rush of emotions she was experiencing was overwhelming to her senses, momo’s voice choked with tears as she spoke to Nayeon.

“Wait…what did you just say? J is Jihyo?!” Momo says in complete disbelief, shocked at not only what she’s reading on the screen but by what she was hearing from one of the parties involved.

“Yes. So please call and interrogate her. Can I speak with my girlfriend now?”

“No, you can’t. I am not friends with people who do this type of thing, Nayeon. How could you do this to y/n?” she shouts through the phone, hunched over with a hand on her knee, trying to understand all the pieces of this complicated puzzle.    

Momo, trying to keep the anger she felt under wraps, started pacing in the room taking laps around the couch as she spoke. 

“Nayeon…are you kidding me? How long has this been going on?” Confused was an understatement, Momo was completely overstimulated with the information she was being given. 

 Never noticing the connection between how close Jihyo and Nayeon were, always sharing hotel rooms on tour, finishing each other’s sentences, the looks across the room, Nayeon staying at Jihyo’s house frequently…it was all starting to add up and Momo is seeing red over the pain of her best friend being hurt beyond belief, and by someone who was supposed to be her family. She was just as angry as you were. 

“Momo, I don’t want to do this right now, Can I please speak to Y/n? I’m trying to save my relationship and not be put under a microscope by you.” 

“I can’t believe you would do this. You spoke of Y/n like she moved mountains for you and this is what you’ve been doing behind her back? I’m disgusted with you and your actions…and I’m pretty sure she’s your ex-girlfriend now but you knew that already, didn’t you?” 

Momo hung up quickly, not caring about what Nayeon had to say back to her. More worried about you and your emotional state than anything Nayeon had to say.

 “Did she tell you why or was it her avoiding the question?” inquiring as she took a seat next to you, giving an apologetic look and a bear hug to try to make you feel better. 

“She told me enough for me to want to leave my home, technically she didn’t even tell me, I found a secret bag of Jihyo stuff in our closet with a bunch of pictures of them together, and one shot of them kissing, wax sealed love letters and jewelry.” Voice cracking and shaking as you bite back more emotion. 

Momo gasps as the story unfolds before her, she can’t believe what she’s hearing. It is so polar opposite of what she expected of her members. She always thought they were kind and loving. She imagines what y/n might be feeling in all of this. 

“I am so sorry. Please let me know how I can help you get through this.” reaching for you to pull you into a warm embrace. 

“Well, I’m definitely going to need to find a new apartment so if you want to help me with that I’d be grateful.” half chuckling through some tears, trying to add a little light into the situation. You hated the idea of someone else being upset because of this situation.

“Consider it done” Dahyun walked back in with swollen eyes, sniffling. She probably overheard the argument Momo just had and was reflecting the same amount of empathy as Momo was. 

“We can start tomorrow!”

—

About 3 weeks went by and you were slowly showing signs of your old self. You were going out with friends again, hanging out with Momo a lot, and starting to become present again, no longer constantly seeing the rewind of Nayeon’s innocence faltering behind your eyes. Still receiving texts from Nayeon at least 2 times a day. They served as a reminder of what once was. 

Momo and Dahyun were patient with you, letting you speak with them about the effects this trauma was having on your mental health. It’s always hard to watch your loved ones go through something this difficult but it was obvious that they were proud of how you were handling it, even if it was hard. They were always there to remind you that you could do hard things. 

Finding a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom that was close to Momo and Dahyun’s, signing the lease immediately. It was a slight upgrade to the studio that you and Nayeon occupied previously. The kitchen was bigger, the natural light was brighter, and the bathroom had a large bathtub that you could fully lay down in, which you were looking forward to. 

Spending a week finding the perfect furniture for it, designing the interior however you wanted and making it your own space without someone else’s opinion in the back of your mind was fun. You enjoyed doing this for yourself, fixating on something that had to do with you alone. You felt the ashes from previous ruin sprouting stems as you tried to move on.

You had really been focusing on yourself, trying to resurrect yourself after total devastation. Pulling out the roots, and planting good ones so later on you could reap the benefits. Changing the perspective of your brain was hard, but well worth it.

Being in a better place mentally and emotionally as your sense of stability was so close to being present again, you thought it was time that you continue with the last step of separating from Nayeon.

There was still some stuff you wanted to get back at your old apartment but you didn’t want to run the risk of Nayeon being there. You had no desire to face her, especially while you were still mending. You decided to reach out to her to let her know you’d be coming by to get the rest of your things. 

“Hey, I’m going to stop by today to get my stuff. I’d really like it if you weren’t there.“ You hesitate to hit send, not wanting to come off in a rude way. Quickly realizing how absurd that was and hit send. 

 “So now you reply? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for weeks… are you doing okay?” almost immediately after the message was delivered, like she has been staring at the thread waiting for you to say something. 

“That’s not your concern anymore. What is your schedule like this week? I won’t be long. I’d just like my things, thank you.” you replied with haste, just wanting this to be over. 

“I’ve got something scheduled at 5 today. You can come then if you really don’t want to see me.” 

You can hear the pout over the text message without any hint of it present in the text. This instinctually sparks sadness in you. Biting the inside of your lip and type out a few replies before deciding to just drop it. A wave of the past just flashed in front of you, causing you to fall into loneliness, something you’d fought to keep at bay. 

Checking the clock and it’s already 3pm, you finish up what you’re doing in the living room and take a cold shower before setting out to the apartment one last time.

–

Stepping into the once familiar place, you are hit with the smell of vanilla and sandalwood. “That’s odd” thinking to yourself, wondering if she’s left a candle burning as you walk in, sliding your shoes off by the door. She always forgot to blow them out after lighting them or would fall asleep on the couch with one lit. 

You were right, but with an added twist, the candle was burning in the center of the coffee table flickering against the shadows in the room around you. The flame was blocked out by the shadow of someone on the couch in the dimly lit space. 

“I thought you had schedules.” sighing, irritate at being met with another moment of dishonesty.

“I just needed to talk to you…” she whispers, she had been crying. Hearing it in her voice and seeing it on her face as she turned her back to the candle, taking in your features like it was the first time she’d ever seen you. A  tinge of hope runs through her, your face must be showing sympathy.               

“I needed you to be faithful and that was too much for you so I don’t really want to do any conversing with you.” asserting that you’re completely vexed by her as you walk into the bedroom to gather the rest of the stuff you were taking with you. 

Following you closely, a habit you used to think was cute as she watches you pick up small knick knacks from your childhood, clothes, and some other important tokens left behind. Sorting through every drawer to make sure you got everything, wanting this to be the last time you’re in the once shared life.    

Almosting touching you with how close her proximity was, she wondered if you’d give her some of your time so she could plead for you to stay when you finally spoke up. 

“Can you stop hovering so I can do what I need to and leave?” 

“Can you just talk to me for a second?” Nayeon replied equally annoyed and choked up as she watched you tuck all she had left of you away. 

Turning around to face her, “Fine! What do you want?” 

You’ve never shown her such apathy, the emptiness that rings in your voice hollows her chest out as she takes a few steps forward, you are surprised by the sudden closeness when she leans in and kisses you roughly. 

You gasp which leaves an opening for her to slide her tongue into your mouth, the neediness pouring out of her drenches you with adrenaline and you slowly succumb to her as she bites your lower lip and tugs gently. The world stops.

Every ounce of love you ever felt for this person came slithering back into your mind for a split second, followed by anger as you remind yourself of the betrayal. 

You can’t believe she’s just throwing herself at you. Body reacting exactly how you would expect when your recent ex partner kisses you like this, the familiarity of her hands on your body sends jolts of comfort and excitement through you and you aren't strong enough to fight the primal urge. 

Trailing her hand up your back under your sweater while keeping you distracted with her mouth and sinking her nails into your shoulders, dragging them slowly down your back, causing you to lean into the kiss even more, moaning into her mouth as she smiles. 

Falling into the trap she was setting and you knew it. 

Hands slowly find their place on her waist, she kisses your jaw whispering sweet nothings into your skin. 

“Baby, please stay” she lays another kiss farther down your jaw

“I know you missed this” laying another kiss

“You are always so hungry for me…show me”

She ghosts her lips up and returns to yours as she kisses you passionately, revealing pure lust as she grips onto you. Bringing your hands up to cup her face, allowing yourself to get lost in the breathy haze, heart pounding as you feel your body temperature rise, effects of the love that once was and the lust that now is. 

Spiraling in the dizzying moment,you and Nayeon sink into each other, closeness returning as you’re swept away by the intense feelings you’re both harboring. Hands are exploring as you fumble around, not allowing space between you as you both collapse onto the bed, hungirly taking each other in as you gain control, Nayeon is lost in the essence of you and it was your turn to hold the power.  

In addition to getting on top of her, you place your knee between her legs- just enough out of reach so that she couldn’t get a good position on it. You were going to give her this moment to remember and you were going to make her earn it.

The heat emanates off her as you rip off your sweater tossing it aside. She’s looking up at you like you put the moon in the sky as you reach your arm around and unhook your bra, letting the straps slide down your arms slowly, her eyes wide with anticipation as you remove it, throwing it on top of the sweater. 

Nayeon’s hands reach up, eyes darkened as she tries to touch you when you slam her hands back down into the softness of the sheets, pinning her to the mattress forcefully above her head, glaring into her with white hot anger.  

“No,” as you hold her in place, your body pressed against hers, faces close enough to feel each other's quickened breath. Nayeon sees the flash of spite in your eyes as you press your mouth on hers, it makes her ache while she is refracting desperation, subtly grinding on your thigh as she lets your tongue dance with hers.

Pulling back from the kiss to admire the sight before you; Nayeon is anchored to the bed by your hands, whimpering and grinding on your leg practically begging for you to fuck her. 

Faces return close enough for your lips to lightly graze, teasing her as you remind her where you stand, “Tell me… does Jihyo excite you like this or is this only for me?” with a sultry nuance. She squirms underneath you as you taunt her, her eyes flickering down to your thigh as she tries to grind into you to get some friction to satiate the ache you’re creating within her, only for you to pull your knee back just enough so she can’t reach it. 

 She whines “y/n…please, it’s only yo-” getting up before getting the full answer and dragging her legs to the edge of the bed letting them bend over the edge, pulling her shirt off frantically, exposing her tits. 

 The knot in her stomach tightens as she watches you become completely carnal, continuing toying with her. Lightly tracing her chest with your finger before you kissed her again, this time more aggressively as if you are claiming what had been yours. She groaned into it, always loving when you got like this, you’re ghosting your finger along the waistband of her sweats as you pull back from the kiss again and attacking her neck leaving a trail of dark marks down to her chest. 

“She’ll have to admire my artwork for the next week and I hope she enjoys it” leaving bite marks and bruises as you descend down slowly.

You take one of her nipples into your mouth and swirl your tongue around it, you can hear her breathing hitch as you roughly pinch the other one. Without letting go of her bud between your fingers you detach your mouth and slide your other hand up to Nayeon’s throat, lightly squeeze and ask “Does Jihyo fuck you like the slut you are? Or does she leave you for me to ruin?” 

Nayeon let out a wail as the words cascaded off your tongue, completely bewildered at what is happening right now as she feels the intoxication of your agitated demeanor wash over her while she grows impatient. Pushing back and trying to take the power from you when you mimic your prior movements and slam her down on the bed, letting her know that wasn’t going to happen.

“Don't. Move.” Stoically said while standing up, sliding her pants and underwear off to reveal a string of arousal clinging to the fabric and the soaked mess that she was. She was already clenching around nothing. 

“Pathetic.” You smirk. 

“Does she ever make you this wet?” as you part her lips with one hand, gathering her arousal at her entrance with your finger, and slowly bring it up to your mouth, sucking it clean. She rolls her hips up at the sensation, body screaming for more. 

“I told you not to move.”

Nayeon whines loudly, “Please, Y/n…touch me” begging for some continuous form of contact and being sure not to move while your stand above her watching as tears well up in her eyes. 

“...so needy… does she make you beg for it like this?” the words daunting as they snake out. 

“You’re so good at lying, I’m sure she thinks you belong to her.” 

“What was it that you said earlier?” following up slyly while lowering yourself between her legs, knees on the floor and arms are wrapped around her thighs, with hands planted on her hips keeping them in place. 

“You’re always so hungry for me…” breathing out as you traces patterns on her lower stomach and bring your face closer to her pussy, 

“…show me” she sighs out as you dive down into her folds, moaning intensely as you tangle yourself between her legs. She feels you devouring her sloppily, not leaving a single place unexplored as she tries to buck her hips into your mouth.

Nayeon is seeing stars as past experiences flood back into memory, senses heightened as you consume her more possessively than usual. She loves this version of you. 

Hands holding onto her so tightly as you start sucking on her clit, she squirms under your grip, squealing at the erratic pattern traced with the tip of your tongue before giving her the rhythm she craved so desperately. 

Nayeon’s breathing gets heavier as you stick to the pace you know she likes, building her up to where you wanted her. The moaning gets louder as you continue lapping at her, hands go up to your hair, locking you in place as you bring her as close to the edge as possible. 

Hearing her high pitched whines and feeling her pussy clench around nothing, completely stopping everything that you are doing.  

“Wha?!-..” she let out a groan that could’ve shattered windows as you stood before her, watching her react to the orgasm being ruined. 

“Why would you do that?!” she groaned out, squeezing her legs together again. You lightly smack her thigh, telling her without words not to. The slap radiates through the room and leaves a small red hand print displayed. 

Enjoying the blissful anguish on her face as you licked the evidence right off your mouth while removing your pants and underwear. Getting on the bed, straddling her, wetness visible as it drips off of you, she looked up at you with wanting eyes, hips still rutting, and knowing exactly where this was going.

“Did you really think I’d give you what you wanted so easily?” you start scooting up so that your knees are on either side of her head, a mere inch from her face.

“You’ll have to earn it.” Leaning forward and head between your legs, tongue out already anticipating the taste of you. 

A gasp echoes in your chest as she licks the inside of your thighs, making sure not to waste a drop of you before taking one big slow lick up your slit, doing that several times, causing you to thrust into her more before attaching her lips to your clit and finding the rhythm she knew you wanted. 

Drowning in her all over again as you feel the knot in your stomach stir, you need more from her but she wasn’t going to give you that right away.

“Naye- ..fuck, just like that -on” you whine her name, slowly start to fuck her face. 

“More.”  Demanding breathlessly, feeling your release building throughout your body, muscles tightening as she shakes her head no, trying not to remove her mouth from you.

“Nay-“  a guttural moan stops you mid sentence, knowing what she wanted from you. 

“Baby…please, I need you” pleasure all consuming, you’re aching for her inside of you.

Before you can ask again, a long finger slides into your core and starts pumping forward to hit your g-spot a few times before adding another finger. 

Another loud moan, as you steadily rock your hips against her mouth, building on the list you were already feeling. Close to breaking, you feel one of her hands slide up to your chest and start tugging on your nipple, that’s what sends you over the edge. 

Throwing your head back as your breath quickens, grinding against her face, with a death grip on her hair. Shaking on top of her as your orgasm rips through you, she keeps going, letting you ride it out. 

“Good girl,” you say breathly as you scoot back to straddle her hips again, body feeling like static as you come down. 

Catching your breath while looking at her cum covered face, you know you aren’t finished with her just yet. Leaning up to you, wrapping her arms around you and kissing you. Tasting yourself on her as you pull her arms off of you.

“I missed the way you taste.” she cooed as you stood up again, half wobbling as you were still recovering. 

“Didn’t I say not to move?” sternly rolls off your tongue, her eyes widen as you push her back down roughly and spit directly onto her pussy. Not that you needed the extra lube, you spread it around her entrance before slamming 2 fingers into her.

“Fuck, Y/n…” she moans as you pump your fingers quickly into her, feeling how wet she is from the orgasm you stole. She thrusts harshly, forcing your digits deeper into her.

“You don’t cum until I say you can.” growled at her from between her legs - peering up to see her face, eyes clamped shut as she leaked out onto the sheets - impatiently waiting for you to stimulate her in some way. 

You can’t help but torture her a little. 

“Does Jihyo make you wet like this? Or is she a shit replacement fuck when I’m not around”

She doesn’t even hear what you’re saying while she’s writhing underneath you, completely fucked out and trying to focus on not cumming while you’re toying with her. Your mouth finds its way to her clit causing a frantic moan to rip through her chest, hands pulling at the sheets as she holds everything back.

“Ca- can I cum please?” She screeches between moans, nodding your head back to her while keeping the same circular motions going with your tongue on her clit, picking up the pace of the fingers inside her as she screams out - back arching, body tense, and clenching down on your fingers as she cums, gushing all over your hand. 

Trying to take a breath, she squeals because you never stop fucking her at a relentless pace; she’s immediately back to moaning your name. 

“Baby, What are yo-” words cut off as she loudly moans, giving her a second to try and finish the sentence. 

“Use your words” as you pick up the pace even more, holding her down onto the mattress with your left hand on her hip, pounding your fingers into her. 

Unable to speak coherently, almost screaming as she tries to formulate sentences. 

“You wanted to cum so bad, so give me another one.” Answering the question she couldn’t ask while snapping into her g-spot, bending down to put your lips on hers again, giving her a taste of herself as she moans into your mouth, unable to hold back from the feeling of being over-stimulated. 

She feels the tension inside her forming again, threatening to burst at any moment when you lean over to ghost your lips over her ear. 

“I bet Jihyo doesn’t make you cum like this.” Violent combustion dispels from her body as she tenses underneath you, screaming into your mouth and sinking her claws into your back while riding out her orgasm.

Both of you lay on the bed, attempting to catch your breath. She rolls over to you, and tries to curl up in your arms but you get up before she can get too comfortable.

“Baby, where are you going? Sleepily stated while staying on the bed.  

Silence as you put your underwear back on.

“Hello?” 

Silence as you slide your pants on 

“…are you leaving?” She says in a sad tone, leaning up on her elbows, watching you put your shirt on and gather all the stuff you came to get. 

“Yup.” 

She is in complete disbelief as you walk out of the bedroom door, hearing you put your shoes on in the kitchen and then hearing the door open. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?…what is that on your neck?” heard from the kitchen. Nayeon’s eyes widen as she realizes the time and the plans she made…with Jihyo. 

“I don’t really think she will be much use to you tonight but you’re more than welcome to try.” You say condescendingly to Jihyo as she stares at you about to walk out. 

“Oh, by the way” , turning your head to her as you open the door.

“I hope you like the way I taste. Enjoy.” smiling at her as you walk right out of the apartment. She stares at the front door in disbelief as she’s figuring out her next move, now in a similar position to where you were.

“Nayeon!” screamed loud enough for you to hear while you’re walking toward the elevator. Not even being able to help the smirk across your face knowing she’s about to get an earful. Laughing to yourself as you call the elevator.

-

Starting the ride home, you think about exactly what just happened. Unable to believe you allowed yourself to fuck Nayeon and act like that towards Jihyo. Thinking about it not with regret, but with a blend of malice and sadness. They were both important to you, previously but that’s reality anymore.

Looking into the rearview mirror at the complex behind you, almost a far-well glance for you as your phone vibrates in your pocket. 

Pulling it out to see Jihyo’s name across the top and hit the end button, sending her straight to voicemail. She calls again, same response. The third time your phone vibrates, you answer it 

“Can you stop calling me? I obviously don't want to talk to you.” sounding heavily annoyed. 

“…Y/n?” A familiar softness rings on the other line as you look at the phone number that isn’t saved.

“Oh…uhm, sorry…I thought this was Jihyo. I don’t have this number saved in my phone…”

“That’s alright” a small chuckle follows, “It’s Mina.”

"Mina?"

---

Take me Back to Eden - The Summoning - Part 5

[linghxr]

My 2023 in Mandopop/Chinese music (update & recs)

It’s been too long since I last shared some music recommendations/updates on what I’m listening to! Admittedly, I haven’t been discovering as many new artists because I’m busy listening to 薛之谦 on repeat. But we'll focus on the new.

You can check out my Spotify playlist featuring these songs (plus bonus ones). In addition, I’ve included YouTube links below.

五月天 / Mayday 五月天 is a legendary band, so of course I knew of them and had heard a few of their songs over the years. But I never proactively sought out their music until recently. I still haven’t had time to dive into their back catalog, but I’ve already found some songs I really love.

《我又初恋了》 I actually really didn’t like this song the first time I heard it, but it wormed its way into my brain. It’s just a lot of fun! Non-serious songs can be good too.

《转眼》 My favorite 五月天 song <3. I’m probably too young to fully appreciate the lyrics, but they make me feel so nostalgic and bittersweet, like transitioning to a new chapter of life and leaving the old behind.

《因为你 所以我》 This song didn’t stand out to me at first, but it grew on me! I caught myself humming it a lot. It‘s kind of corny, but it sounds so full of hope.

陈奕迅 / Eason Chan I first started listening to 陈奕迅 a couple years ago after my Album a Day August challenge, but I’ve found that his music has grown on me over time. I believe I’ve only mentioned him once before, so I thought now was a good time to highlight my favorite of his songs.

《之外》 This is probably my favorite 陈奕迅 song. The lyrics convey a sense of hopelessness, but the overall song has a smooth, light sound.

《娱乐天空》 You know a song is good when it’s over 6 minutes long but feels like it flies by! It makes me want to get up, get moving, and be productive.

《烟味》 This song is dramatic, and I love it for that. Also has a hint of orchestral flavor.

《淘汰》 One of 陈奕迅’s most well-known songs—for a good reason. It has big Cpop ballad vibes but is definitely livelier.

白举纲 / Bai Jugang You’re going to notice several mentions of 披荆斩棘 in this post. That’s where I “met” 白举纲. I instantly liked his voice and loved seeing him with his “brother” 高瀚宇 and “dad” 张晋! You may also see his music under his English name, Pax Congo.

《被动失控》 This is the only song on the list you could headbang to.

《Shy Boy》 I love this song because it’s cute and includes a children’s rhyme that I learned as a kid: 找啊找啊找朋友 找到一个好朋友.

苏诗丁 / Su Shiding At some point last year I did a one-month free trial of Apple Music. It was an interesting experience because the recommendations were very different from what Spotify tends to show me. I’m glad Apple Music led me to 苏诗丁!

《LUCIFER（傲慢宗罪）》 All I can say is that this song exudes coolness and confidence. It also has a fair bit of English, but honestly I had to look up the lyrics to tell what some of it was.

《梦幻病》 This song is from the same album. It’s dreamlike but gets more frantic as it builds. Overall, it’s just a bit…unsettling.

队长 / Young Captain I learned about 队长 from a random post on Instagram about his concert in Malaysia. I think these songs might have gone viral on 抖音 or something. I was surprised I liked them so much because they both have some rap (I’m not a rap fan), but it was love at first listen.

《11》 I love how this song builds towards the end. I spend the whole song waiting for the crescendo, and it’s great payoff.

《楼顶上的小斑鸠》 This song is like the slightly mellower sibling of the one above. But I ended up liking this one even more.

金志文 / Jin Zhiwen 金志文 was another artist who Apple Music recommended to me. I definitely need to explore his discography more but haven’t had the chance to do so yet. But he has some good stuff so far!

《自娱自乐》 Smooth and relaxing but in a fun way. Simple and no-frills but will put a smile on your face!

《远走高飞》 This one feels like enjoying the breeze on a beautiful sunny day. I also enjoy the duet with 徐佳莹 version.

163braces 163braces started out as a YouTuber posting song covers. I have watched a couple of her covers, but they didn’t leave much of an impression on me. I was pleasantly surprised by her foray into original music. I look forward to hearing what she does next!

《控制》 The song I would want as my “soundtrack” if I were a video game character. It’s energetic and loud.

《murmur》 Honestly this song is pretty similar to the first one. Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing them. But hey, if ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

小鬼 / Lil Ghost 小鬼 did what I can best describe as “pulling an MGK” by going from more rap to kinda pop-punk? That MGK album was my guilty pleasure when in came out, so I’m all for 小鬼’s new direction.

《Last Day》 This song really gave me MGK vibes. It’s about half in English, but I often don't even notice when he switches between languages.

《不良少年》 I just know I would have loved this song so much in high school. It’s an angsty teen anthem. 

《为明天写封信》 I can totally imagine this song playing at the end of a 2000s teen movie! Maybe while showing a montage of the main characters graduating.

《无所求必满载而归》 by 陈粒 / Chen Li This is technically cheating because I have recommended 陈粒 songs before, but it was at least a couple years ago. I heard this song covered on 披荆斩棘的哥哥 and immediately looked up the original. Honestly I should have known it was a 陈粒 song because you can totally tell it’s her style.

《轻红》 by 曹杨 / Young I keep coming back to this song! It’s from a drama soundtrack. I was super surprised the first time I listened to it because I thought it was going to be a typical ballad based on the first ~45 seconds or so—it wasn’t. There is also another version by 陈雪燃 (the king of cdrama OSTs). But I actually prefer the 曹杨 version.

《时光机》 by 吴克群 / Kenji Wu I was introduced to 吴克群 via 披荆斩棘2. He was instantly one of my favorite contestants after his team’s amazing 《新地球》 performance (check it out). This song is bouncy and a little dreamy. I kinda want to hear a remix with Harry Styles’ As It Was. I just wish it were longer than 3 minutes!

My Spotify Wrapped

I have a tradition of sharing my Spotify Wrapped, and I wanted to continue the streak in some form. So here's a quick rundown.

Top genre: 华语流行音乐 Representative city: Taipei Minutes: 21,750

Top artists

薛之谦 / Xue Zhiqian

林宥嘉 / Yoga Lin

五月天 / Mayday

李荣浩 / Li Ronghao

陈奕迅 / Eason Chan 

Top songs

《木偶人》 - 薛之谦

《狐狸》 - 薛之谦

《骆驼》 - 薛之谦

《转眼》 - 五月天

《后来的我们》 - 五月天

Also, fellow Mandopop fans should check out the Mando Gap newsletter. I stumbled upon it this year, and I know it’s going to be a great resource for discovering new artists in 2024!

[gavidaily]

Hello! Here's the full La Vanguardia interview in English translated by yours truly 💖 enjoy!

Pablo Páez Gavira, Gavi (19 years, Los Palacios y Vilafranca, Sevilla) is an one of a kind player. On the pitch, mixes a delicate technique with an overwhelming will, a mix that is rare between midfielders: he is either head or lungs, but rarely both. Outside the field, he is a stranger. Out of shyness, he would rather be sure of himself before letting people know him. The club sees him as ready. Now, Gavi gives his first long interview to La Vanguardia. His first answers are short, but soon he gets comfortable and with more confidence, he gets more open. It's hard not to like him, he sounds genuine in a world of mechanized words: pure and unfiltered, like the way he plays. 

COLORS "Being of Barça is something that comes from watching the best squad in history, Xavi's, Iniesta..." _______

I: More than 100 matches for Barça and you have given a few interviews. Don't you like it?  G: I'm shy, and I'd rather focus on football, but I'm working on it, since I have to do it. 

I: Are you aware of all the surrounding buzz?  G: A little bit, yes. I noticed on the streets and Instagram, but I try to get away from it.

I: What do you like most to hear about yourself?  G: That I'm a shy boy, but a good person with everyone. This is how I want to be known.

I: Whenever you score a goal, you kiss the Barça badge. You are from a town in Sevilla, how come you became such a big culé? G: From seeing the best team in history, the Barça of Xavi, Iniesta and others. Since then I have been and always will be of Barça.

THE WILL "Sometimes I watch the match replay and think 'Why did I do that?'" _______

I: You arrived at Barça very young, at 11 years-old. Were you scared of the change? G: Yes, a lot. I remember that a couple months before the move I told my parents I didn't want to come, that I was scared of what could happen. Today I thank my parents, they were the first to notice that I should be here. 

I: What were you scared of? G: Of everything, La Masia... I was very little and didn't want to leave my hometown, leave my friends behind. It meant changing my whole life.

I: And La Masia became like home for you... G: Yes, I spent my whole childhood here, almost sinceAs long as I've known myself, it is everything to me. 

I: Your first six months here were hard because of FIFA's ban on Barça. Gavi, with 11 years and unable to play, it's hard to imagine. A lion in a cage. G: I couldn't bear not to play, for me it's like breathing. So I deal it with how I could have. I decided to play in the football league my school had.

I: Your team was lucky, you must have won everything. G: I scored four or five goals on each match. We won everything but the day we played in the league. 

GETTING BETTER "I am enjoying this season best. We are doing things better." _______

I: What happened? G: I played my first match for Barça, I couldn't go. My schoolmates still pick on me because of that.

I: In your first year in Barcelona you lived with your parents. G: Yes, in Balmes street, but at the end of the year I told them they could leave me, that I wanted to live in La Masia.

I: Which were your favorite players? G: Iniesta the most, but Isco and Veratti too.

I: The most technical. You can shoot with both legs, did you learn it or is it natural for you? G: It's something that has happened since I was a kid. I actually say that inside the box I shoot best with the left leg, I can define better with it, it's more natural. 

I: Let's be clear: you are an interior. G: I have always been. Left interior. 

I: Now you are playing more in that position.  G: Xavi knows where I'm more comfortable, but he has a lot of trust in me and in each match he decides where I should be and I try my best for the coach. To give everything.

"Ansu will come back, I know it." _______

Gavi has simple habits. His life revolves around football and even during his free time he watches the matches on the television with his friends, most of them from his time in La Masia. "I'm a football nerd, I watch a lot of matches with my friends at home, Premier League above all. I like some clubs more than others. I follow Manchester City and now especially Brighton, because they are good and Ansu Fati plays there", says the midfielder, who misses his ex-teammate and hopes to see him back in the blaugrana locker room after the one year of loan to the english club. "I believe in Ansu. I believe he will get his confidence back and I wish he comes back. We have been friends since we met in La Masia and I wish him the best always'.

I: You dominate both legs, you are good in duels, with the head... Is there anything you see a margin for improvement? G: Taking last year as reference, I have been better on pausing the plays and not making as many fouls with divided balls.

I: Is that a personal work or from Xavi? G: Xavi tries to improve me, we talk a lot.

I: Are you not scared of getting hurt with those divided balls?  G: Sometimes I watch the match replay, I see something I did and think "Sh*t, why did I do that?. But my mother suffers more than me, she always tells me not to get in fights and it scares her a lot. But at the end of the day, it's football.

I: Do you consider yourself a harsh player? G: I consider myself a fighter, until the end, and I won't lose that.

I: Last year, from Madrid, rumors started that said you were an overly harsh player. Did it reach you? Were you annoyed?  G: I was aware, but I was relaxed. Xavi helped me and it didn't matter what some people said.

PROGRESS "I have more breaks, fewer fouls and this year I want to score ten goals" _______

I: It's an unquestionable truth that you don't like losing... G: I have improved compared to the lower categories, any coach could tell you.

I: But what did you do? Being a sore loser it's not that bad. G: Let's say I didn't take well and my teammates paid for it during the training sessions. It used to drive me crazy, I didn't know how to lose.

I: What would you do for Barça? G: Everything. I would do everything, whatever it is.

I: During the summer, with the new signings, they said you were going to be left out of the eleven starters... and now, you’re untouchable. G: I have a lot of trust in me, that's what matters to me. And if Xavi wants to talk to me and help me to improve, I thank him. The coach was one of the best players in my position. 

I: You are 19 and you already are a reference for players that come from La Masia, like Lamine Yamal...

G: I didn't imagine that when I was little, but yes. I try to calm them down, and get them excited. I had Busi, Jordi... I know it is very important to have that support. 

LOCKEROOM "I admire Frenkie. When they said he could leave in the summer, I was screwed and I told him that." _______

I: Which player do you praise for his professionalism in the actual squad? G: Frenkie, Frenkie. 

I: Do you miss him? G: F*ck, a lot, just like Pedri.

I: Well, De Jong was on the market two summers ago... G: At that moment I was screwed, I didn't want him to leave, and I told him that. Thankfully, he didn't leave, and he's still with us. 

I: Are you enjoying playing? That's important.  G: I'm enjoying it a lot more during this season. We're doing things better.

I: With the Joãos the chemistry has been instantly. G: They are very good and have settled in fast. João Félix it's on my side and I can work with him more, but I look for them both. Without them we would not have been able to make some progress this season.

 I: How do you see Madrid? Stronger? G: They have significant casualties, but they are a winning team.

I: Last year you won the League and this year you are finally required to play a good role in the Champions League. G: We have to get as far as possible, we're Barça, like the coach says. Winning with Barça is one of my dreams, one of the biggest, it's what all culés want. 

I: The match against Porto is a key match during the group stage. Do you overthink about the matches beforehand?  G: Yes, even more important ones. I think about how it's going to go and I usually imagine scoring a goal. Thoughts…

I: How many goals do you think you will score this season? G: I said to Iván de la Peña, my representative, that I'll score ten, I already did two.

I: Outside the box the shot doesn't prove much. G: I have to see it very clearly, it is still difficult for me, I have to dare.

I: Do you see yourself playing for Barça your whole life? That's almost impossible these days. G: I wish it could be like that, I wouldn't be happier anywhere else. 

[saiscribbles]

What are your future plans for your channel btw? Although I like your content criticizing Lily, I think it’s best for you to move away from her because her time on the internet is a huge trash fire that never leads to anything good.

I’d personally really like to see you talk more about Hazbin Hotel or Steven Universe! Your streams are really fun and I love having them on the side while I work. :)

BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME I HAVE A PLAN!

Much like I never actually intended to start a Steven Universe AU series I never actually intended to become a YouTuber in the first place.

Here's the story:

For years now I've been doing a stream weekly on Twitch where I just talk with chat while drawing. One day Hiding in Public/Private released a couple of great videos on old SU hate videos, including Lily's infamous "Steven Universe is Garbage and Here's Why".

Not too long after that Lily released "Was I Wrong About Steven Universe?" as a nakedly obvious response. I thought hey, wouldn't it be funny if one stream I just react to this video? Just for funsies? To see if Lily has actually changed her mind on anything?

What I didn't expect was I'd end up spending like half an hour explaining Shoujo Kakumei Utena of all things during that video reaction.

I was kinda impressed with my own recall of Utena despite not having watched it in full in over a decade. So I thought eh for funsies lemme cut down that part and slap it on my account. Which is the same account I've had since 2006. I've put videos up there just for my friends and small number of fans before, as you can see from this Minecraft video from 11 years ago I filmed and edited for my friend for her birthday.

And then that Utena video got 5k views. On my completely unestablished YouTube channel. And I was like... huh. I knew people are annoyed by Lily Orchard but damn.

By that point I had also already decided to react to Lily's video on the Steven Universe Movie the next stream. Cause obviously the SU movie is something pretty near and dear to me that I know very well. And Lily's video was SO BAD and had so many OUTRIGHT LIES in it I thought well hell, let's cut down the two SU reacts into a video too!

It'll probably get like 10k views tops.

And then I'll just fuck off back into the shadows whence I came.

And I suddenly found myself with 3,000 followers.

And I suddenly found myself monetized.

And that video just passed 200k views now. In 3 months.

So I was like... well shit. Now I have this new audience over here on YouTube. I should probably actually give them something. I mean the added revenue stream is nice but I'm not looking to become a career tuber. Mostly I felt like I owed it to this new audience I now have.

So I started doing my art stream on YouTube as well! And I also have been game streaming, if you haven't checked my Lives recently. I've been streaming I Wani Hug That Gator, of all things, while doing silly voices and we're all having a blast. I already wanted to get back into game steaming this year even before this giant explosion in attention.

So for now that's the only thing resembling a plan! I'm gonna keep art and game streaming and cutting videos from those streams. I'm not a video essayist. I can't write and perform a script, I'm just not good at it. But I am very good off the cuff which is why I'm a streamer. I can explain things when prompted. So hey, come to my Wednesday art streams (2pm EST) and poke me for art and writing advice! Or to pick my brain about Steven Universe and Hazbin. I thrive on chat interaction! And then those can be shorts and videos too.

I do plan to do at least 3 or 4 more Lily reacts in the future just because they're videos I think would be funny to react to. But after that? Who knows!

[fractualized]

Alright. Let's break down this "oh" of an ending. NEGATIVE NANCY, COMING THROUGH

Spoilers, ho!

Ending a story is hard, if they're long or short. Whether you wrap up key threads or leave them open, you want some kind of takeaway that puts a period on things. Even in comics, where we know these characters will go on and on, ideally a story will end in a way that just... fits. Even amateur fic writers have loads of WIPs just sitting there because exactly how to end this damn thing eludes them.

I don't know if Rosenberg had an ending in mind when he started The Man Who Stopped Laughing. I don't know if he decided he'd figure it out by the end of it's year-long run. I don't know if DC Editorial lets people do that; it sounds insane, but if you've been paying attention to their current level of editorial "oversight," which I imagine is supposed to make concurrent titles mesh together reasonably well, I wouldn't be shocked if they let people wing it. Or, more likely, perhaps DC Editorial swooped in and made Rosenberg change the ending he had planned and that's why the result falls flat.

In any case, after 11 issues of enjoying myself, I'm left feeling deflated.

But let's start where #12 does, with the Joker who's been told he's John Keyser, a toxin'd henchmen that the real Joker made into a doppelganger for funsies. He approaches a hotdog vendor.

I'm stuck on "Hello. I've been looking for you"?? I didn't catch that on my first read. Joker has a favorite hotdog vendor? lol

Shut up, Waffles!! All we have is your word for it!!

In any case, hey, Keyser Joker has already been Jokering this long, so yeah, why not keep going? And why not with help from poor woobie Jason, fresh from nearly getting himself killed in Gotham War?

Bruce did not fix Jason at the end of Gotham War, so his adrenaline is still triggering fear in his brain. But Keyser Joker has a solution for that!

It's a tiny dose of Joker toxin to take the edge off of Bruce's programming. Joker makes a point of saying that the effects are only temporary, though. (And like, I assume this is just the quick-fix solution Rosenberg came up with to pull off his own ending when told Bruce's plans for Jason over in the other titles.) Jason is skeptical of this "help," naturally, but Keyser Joker brings up their matching interest: getting rid of the other Joker.

Jason, why you gotta ruin Albert's good time? 🙄

Cut to Red Hood dragging a clown henchman through the streets of Gotham.

But "his" face being blacked out and some of the dialogue clue the reader in: things aren't what they seem.

DERAIL TIME: what is up with this batmobile?

Like from some other angles, it looks sportier, but in most of the panels it looks like an old Buick? lol ANYWAY.

With the flaily way this person jumps off the bike and runs, I was sure that this was Keyser Joker and we might see Batman interact with him. Alas.

It's Ravager, who survived last issue's explosion. She's helping Jason 1) distract Batman and 2) get Albert out of harm's way, far from Keyser Joker's plan.

Naturally Keyser Joker is planning something more destructive than he's led Jason to believe. Also like…

The idea that Keyser Joker really is this John guy, not the real deal, is still not sitting fucking right with me. Seeing him here in another costume, with a goofy death train with mismatched eyes just like his, it feels like a signal that he actually is Joker and Waffles is either lying or mistaken somehow. Like compared to the other Joker, who we haven't seen in a costume? Who left Gotham for weird reasons? I really thought there was going to be a reverse reveal.

And since it doesn't come, I guess it's a good time to mention that! There is no reverse reveal of who the real Joker is. Things get a little muddy later, but…. hrm. HRM.

That said, the other Joker does something pretty dang Jokery: he shows up in a dirigible with his face on it.

Killer Moth and a bunch of clown goons (that aren't supposed to be available because of Gotham War but WHATEVER) attach the dirigible to the train and it's pretty chaotic!

I love when villains are like, "Look I may kill people, but an endangered gorilla?! Get outta here!" 😂

Jason also arrives in style.

I guess he was observing Ravager's distraction?? Which feels like it defeats part of the purpose of having her do the distraction. But then he couldn't have this cool entrance in which he bludgeons people with a motorcycle. Trade offs!

Meanwhile, Real Joker makes it to the front of the train to confront Keyser Joker. One of Real's goons offers to shoot Keyser, but Real Joker wants to make this personal and kills the poor hench so he can do it himself.

Jason coming in like YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH 😎

Then he gets the bad news.

Keyser is as casually suicidal as your average Joker! Also "Real" Joker never acknowledges Red Hood's identity, afaik. It's always Keyser Joker. Details like this got me thinking that reverse reveal was coming, AND YET.

That aside, next comes a fun comedy beat.

Real Joker going right for the hair!

Jason isn't going to let this be the end of it, of course, and once again Killer Moth must suffer at his hands.

Jason shoots so many clowns. Just never the one he wants. 😞

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaait wait wait. You're telling me that Bruce knew about the imminent TWO JOKERS situation. But he decided to prioritize a report of Red Hood dragging a clown through the streets. When in the same breath he's saying there are other people coming to the scene with him, so he obviously could've sent someone else? On the same day Batman #139 is like "oooh Bruce is totally onto Joker now"? This is what you're telling me?? Augh.

Well, we can't rely on Batman right now, clearly, so it's up to Jason.

Meanwhile, Keyser Joker has told the other one that he actually does have a secret way off the runaway train safely. After they fight some more, the tune starts to change.

Alright so, this "deal," which would sort of start them back at square one, doesn't bother me because obviously it's on shaky-ass ground and one of them is definitely killing the other before this issue is over. What does bug me is the "franchising" line, for two reasons:

1) Is this supposed to imply that Real Joker is the one who was behind Joker Incorporated in the Batman Incorporated issues, not a third one?

2) I was just SO SURE it was another indication we were getting a reverse reveal. Joker absolutely does not love the franchising idea. That's kind of been the point of this whole series. The genuine Joker in Keyser Joker's hallucination/memory said that having two Jokers around is stupid. HRRRRMMM.

Anyhow, they leave the train together, though the escape plan is literally just jumping off, which has more issues than they bargained for.

So do you think, assuming the Gotham War writers actually communicated at least a little, that Zdarsky asked Rosenberg what he needed Jason for at the end of TMWSL, and Rosenberg was like, "oh I need him to heroically crash a toxic blimp and almost die?" And then Zdarsky was like, "er, I need him to heroically fly a plane into a magic meteor and almost die?" And then they just shrugged and closed the Zoom?

But yeah, the blimp crashes, and I'm sort of confused because I thought that earlier Bruce was saying that even if the toxin gets into the water, it'll still make it's way to the city. So for one thing, it's still exploding in the air and it's still gonna drift. And the parts that dissolve in water are still gonna drift. There's a part to the equation missing here.

But these two are just thrilled at the excitement.

Until the sudden yet inevitable betrayal.

BUT WHO WAS JOKE

Shortly after this, Ravager shows up with Manhunter, who also survived last issue's explosion. (It just doesn't come up at all. Like it doesn't have to, I guess, but it's just weird that there's not a word or wound about it.) Ravager dives into the water looking for Jason, because she instinctually knows he did something grand and dumb. She finds him among the clown bodies and brings him to shore.

Nothing can kill this man! He came back from the dead with nine lives! And also maybe that Lazarus resin from TFZ is still helping, I dunno.

Elsewhere along the shore, what's left of both Jokers' crews find themselves waiting in the same spot for the Joker they expect to be triumphant.

You know what. I'm soured on Waffles now. Leave him.

And then, from the water…

And that's it. That's how it ends. With a sort of snide cop-out?

Like, it's Joker's POV, so yeah, you could say the dickish tone is just him. But following this story for a year, and then seeing it end with simply the old "you'll never know which Joker prevailed," it doesn't feel clever or whatever this is going for. It just feels obnoxious.

Honestly, it feels like the same takeaway as freaking Three Jokers. 😐 That it doesn't matter who Joker is. All the lead-up to this, where maybe we get a tiny bit of depth and development, even if just in this story, eh. Doesn't matter! We're ending this with blah payoff.

On the other hand, the part of about about there being more questions, about this ending not being tidy, makes me think that this is leaving open the possibility that Keyser Joker actually was the real one. After all, we don't get a flashback to the actual events. The events we see are part of a hallucination, and Keyser never said he had clear memories of being the real or the fake one. He just went from assuming he was the real one to taking Waffles' word for it that he was the henchman.

Also, Keyser Joker was always the Joker giving narration. And the narration boxes for the Final Joker at the end remain in his style. So it seems like we actually have a huge indication of which Joker prevailed-- unless we're meant to assume that if the other Joker prevailed, he merely took over the narration.

I mean, this is what we have. So if I can just choose what I want to believe, I'm going to believe both that Keyser was actually the real guy and that he won. But it puts a real sour taste in my mouth to be super engaged with a story and wanting an ending that says something about Joker's character… and the ending is just that one murders the other and you don't know who, neener neener. It's anticlimactic. It's a predictable direction that I thought SURELY Rosenberg wouldn't go in. It feels like a dick move.

And... what else is there to say? So ends my year of consistently buying a comic, I guess. Nothing else has really grabbed me like TMWSL did, though City of Madness looks promising. After the multiverse and Gotham War stuff, I'm not about to start picking up Zdarsky's Batman. #139 had plenty I should enjoy, but it's soured by Zdarsky deciding to bring a canonical take to the three Jokers concept for some ungodly reason.

A new three Jokers take feels extra stupid after a year of a story about two Jokers. And the second Joker in TMWSL isn't even taken into account in Zdarsky's story. Based off that #135 scene, it really looks like he's going to say that Darwin Halliday accidentally copied TKJ Joker somehow. lmao Why. Why do we have to do this. Why can't this just be one of the things that gets retconned away. I just want my murderclown to be fun.

I need to get back to my list of unread older comics. Or read One Operation Joker! I didn't think I was interested, but I think a random goofy premise is actually just what I need.

[cartoonrankings]

10 Most Underrated Cartoons

Cartoons are great…we have many awesome hit shows from SpongeBob SquarePants to Amphibia to South Park and so on. But we also have quite a few gems that not many seem to talk about, and I feel that I should put the spotlight onto these underrated cartoons. Today, I will be going over my ten most underrated cartoons.

10. Over the Garden Wall

When putting this cartoon on the list, I was heavily debating on whether I should put it here as one of the 10 most underrated cartoons or not. While it does seem to be quite positively received, and while it has had a decent amount of exposure from the cartoon community, I find that it is not really talked about as much as many others that came out at the same time as Gravity Falls. This perplexed me as I thought it was a strong series.

This was a miniseries that had 10 episodes in 2014. It was about two brothers named Greg and Wirt who end up in a mysterious land called the Unknown, and work to get home. It was a great series packed with mystery, darkness and awesome characters (especially Greg). While being underrated is a debate, there is no doubt that it is amazing! You can watch Over the Garden Wall on Hulu, Amazon or iTunes.

9. Hilda

As this series is one that also is decently known, I was debating on whether this one should be put on here again. It is like Over the Garden Wall in the sense that it is pretty decently well known, but it is definitely a series that I feel is much less known than shows it came out with, and I feel that due to this, it should be on here. 

Hilda is a series that has 2 seasons and 26 episodes. It is about an 11 year old girl named Hilda who goes on magical adventures and encounters mysterious creatures with her friends David and Frida and Twig, her pet deer frog. I loved Hilda as it has fun characters and a unique art style. Furthermore, Hilda takes on the common magic theme you see in TV shows, but executes it in a way that is unique! You can watch Hilda on Netflix!

8. Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

While this series was screwed over by the network I feel that the main reason it is underrated goes deeper than that. When the series first started getting advertisements, many people (myself included) did not really like the idea of this series - especially since we just got a super dark and serious installment of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles prior to this show. This left a bad taste in our mouths and many of us did not want to check out this more lighthearted take on the turtles. However, coming back to it years later, it was a hidden gem! 

Running for 2 seasons of 39 episodes from 2018 to 2020, Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a totally new and unique adaptation of the turtles we all know and love. The series revolved around them before they actually became crime fighters. The main goal they have is to stop The Shredder from being resurrected for the first season while actually fighting him in the second season. They also learn about the secrets of Master Splinter in this adaptation. My favorite aspects of this series are the fact that they take the turtles and add their own unique spin to it so that it doesn’t feel like a copy of the other shows. I also like the designs quite a bit and I like the humor. Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is definitely an underrated adaptation to this amazing franchise, and while I do prefer the 2012 installation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I had a great time with this one.

7. Final Space

This was a series that I only found out about recently, and I am glad that I found it. This was a series which I have never seen on TV, or have heard anyone talk about until last year where I heard a few people online bring it up. I added it to my list there, and finally binged it a few months ago. I found it strange that not many talk about it though, so I did some research as to why. From what I was able to gather, it seems that when it started out, critics did not really love it, and they ignored the later episodes from there, which led to other things like minimal promotion. It’s honestly a shame as it is a great series.

Final Space ran for 3 seasons and 36 episodes. The series is about an astronaut named Gary Goodspeed, who after accidentally destroying spaceships, was sentenced to five years of prison on the Galaxy One spaceship. During his final year, he found an alien named Mooncake, who he finds out is being pursued by an evil dictator known as Jake the Lord Commander. Gary and Mooncake, along with some crewmates, go on a quest to save the universe, while trying to discover the mystery behind Final Space, which is supposedly where the universe ends. Final Space has everything I love about a story-driven cartoon - it has very emotional moments that keep me invested, it has a well rounded group of characters that develop as the series goes on, and the world-building throughout the series was amazing. Final Space is a truly amazing series, and I definitely think it deserved much better.

6. Glitch Techs

Now we get onto Netflix shows…it’s not common for a Netflix show to take off regardless of how great it is, and Glitch Techs is a prime example of that. Glitch Techs definitely had a complex story behind its reason to being underrated which is more than just the fact that it is a Netflix original. It was originally supposed to be a Nickelodeon original, but unfortunately, Nickelodeon did not give the series much love. The first season was finished in 2019, but did not ever air on Nickelodeon until it finally premiered on Netflix in 2020 with not much promotion. It is truly a shame because with proper promotion from Nickelodeon, this could have been a massive hit with how great it is conceptually and from a storytelling standpoint. 

Glitch Techs has a pretty unique concept - it revolves around two teenagers named Hector and Miko who essentially try to stop video game characters from wreaking havoc across the real world. Glitch Techs was another amazing series with lots to offer. We got an amazing series with cool characters being further enhanced by their awesome designs and we got a very unique concept being brought to the table. I really love Glitch Techs and I hope it can get a continuation some day.

5. 6Teen

6Teen is severely underrated, and the main reason for this is Cartoon Network’s treatment of it. When 6Teen aired, it did not get as much promotion as a Cartoon Network original, which already kept it pretty underrated, but it also had many episodes removed with not many reruns. Overall, it did remain pretty underrated due to this, but the amount of content it got was satisfying. 

6Teen was a series that ran from 2004 to 2010 and contained 4 seasons of 93 episodes. The series revolves around six teenagers, Wyatt, Jen, Caitlin, Jonesy, Nikki and Jude, and it just showcases them going through teenage life. 6Teen definitely had a lot to offer me - we got to see some very relatable situations, we had a loveable set of characters and I think this show was one of the few that executed raunchy humor in the right manner. You can watch 6Teen on the YouTube channel, Retro Rerun, Amazon Prime, Pluto or Tubi.

4. The Hollow

Another Netflix original on here…what a surprise. It seems that it is not easy for shows to get popular on Netflix or any streaming service for that matter as people go to streaming services knowing what they want to watch. Furthermore, Netflix’s lack of marketing did not help the cause. We were unfortunately left with another great TV series ending up heavily underrated.

The Hollow is a series which ran from 2018 to 2020 for a total of 20 episodes. The series was centered around Adam, Kai and Mira, who wake up in a strange room with no memories. They work together to explore this strange new world that they have discovered, on a quest to return home (despite not knowing where home even is). When going through this new and strange world, they discover new friends and new enemies, and many different challenges are thrown their way. The Hollow is definitely a loveable series, with many amazing aspects including awesome worldbuilding, great diversity and a loveable set of characters. The Hollow is an extremely fun 20 episode series, and if you haven’t seen it, I recommend getting on Netflix now and checking it out!

3. Sym-Bionic Titan

Another series that was underrated mainly due to Cartoon Network…Sym-Bionic Titan was and still is remembered as a cult classic. The reason for it being underrated is due to scheduling mainly. At first, it was on an action block on Cartoon Network, but it was eventually moved to Wednesday nights which is a terrible time slot, and it was eventually moved to Saturday morning with no warning. The reasoning behind this is not entirely known. Some say it was due to being unable to make toys, and some were saying that it was due to disputes with the team. One thing to say though is that it is severely underrated, though it does still have fans.

Sym-bionic Titan still became one of my favorites during its 20 episode run from 2010 to 2011. Sym-bionic Titan is about Lance, Octus and Ilana who fled from their planet Galuna to come to Earth due to their planet being consumed by these creatures known as the Mutraddi. As the leader of the Mutraddi wants to kill the next heir to Galuna, Ilana, the three must blend into Earth. The name of the series comes from what happens when the three combine - when they do, they form the Sym-Bionic Titan. I love the writing, characters and the artstyle. The series was definitely underrated, and it deserved much better than what it got from Cartoon Network. You can watch Sym-Bionic Titan on iTunes!

2. Motorcity

Let’s continue on with shows that were screwed over by the network, and this time, Disney is to blame! Motorcity was a series that suffered poor scheduling and promotion, which was what led to its downfall. Firstly, the series received minimal advertising from the start (it seemed that Disney did not like the idea from the get go as it was being pitched for ten years before it even got the approval). Furthermore, there were lots of unnecessary hiatuses during the first season when the fandom was just starting to form. And the worst part of it all is that it kept getting moved around different time slots, and at one point, even had a timeslot at midnight. Due to the hiatuses and the time slots moving around, Motorcity was quite difficult to watch, making it quite unknown and underrated.

Motorcity ran from 2012 to 2013 for 20 episodes. The series was centered around a group of rebels known as the Burners, consisting of Mike (the leader), Julie (an insider gathering information from Abraham), Chuck (the tech guy), Dutch (the smart one), Texas (the muscle) and Jacob (the old aged mentor). Their goal is to stop a capitalistic billionaire named Abraham from taking over Motorcity which is a small part of the city they live in, Detroit. In terms of what I love about the series, I love the characters, the great story and plot line and the fact that the series has introspective and thought provoking moments.

1. Detentionaire

Being from Canada, I get to see a lot of the underrated gems that we all have, and while I have seen a lot, this is probably the most underrated. Detentionaire’s reason for being underrated is quite sad. It was doing quite well in Canada, and it did get distributed to a few other countries where it also performed strongly. However, like 6Teen, Detentionaire got swept under the radar because of how it was treated by Cartoon Network in the US. What they did to Detentionaire hurt it much more though. It had lots of censorship like 6Teen, though, lots of the censorship was not even necessary. They would just remove random bits of dialogue. Furthermore, they only aired 20 of the 53 episodes on their website with the episodes out of order, and that hurt the show as not many people used the website, and if they did see it, they wouldn’t have understood anything as it was story-driven. Moreover, the player on their website was broken for a good portion of the time Detentionaire was there, which hindered its accessibility even more. All of these factors led to Detentionaire being virtually unknown in the US, and once it didn’t perform in the US, a bunch of other countries did not want to take it as they were skeptical on how the show would perform in their countries. It is a shame though because this show is one of the greatest I have seen. It is also in my top five favorite cartoons of all time. 

Detentionaire is about a highschooler named Lee who gets framed for a huge prank and gets detention for a year. He goes on a quest to clear his name, and while he expected to just bust some ordinary prankster, he instead finds out that the prank was a small step to a major conspiracy. This conspiracy connects back to him and his entire bloodline. It is a shame that this series is not as popular as it should be. This is one of the few story-driven animated shows that I would say is on par with the legendary Disney trio (Amphibia, The Owl House and Gravity Falls). I have so much positive to say about this show - I would say that off the bat, my favorite aspects are the mystery and the plot progression as the plot really gets more intense with each episode. I would say that another highlight was the characters as they all feel like actual high school students which gives the show a sense of relatability. I really hope Detentionaire gets the resurgence it deserves some day as it is truly a masterpiece. There’s a reason that Detentionaire is at the top of a list of the 10 most underrated cartoons, and there’s a reason that it is in my 5 best cartoons of all time. I hope I have convinced at least a few of you to watch it. You can watch Detentionaire on the YouTube channel Retro Rerun or on Tubi!

Well, these were my 10 most underrated cartoons! I hope I introduced you to some new cartoons! Which one of these do you agree with? Which ones do you disagree with? Are there any more you would add? And be sure to follow me for regular blogs!

[vivaldisspring]

Due to popular demand (5 people asked me), I shall tell the story of how I married my TC

LONG READ AHEAD – THIS IS 7 PAGES ON MY WORD DOC

Hi TCC! I’m Anissa, I’m 27 years old, but I’ve had dumb tcs since I was 11 because of whatever the hell is deeply wrong with me. Before I start, I want to point out how very lucky I was to be surrounded by sensible, responsible, righteous adults as I grew up, so that I was never exposed to any danger – and I’m including adults in the tcc, as I was around here when I was a minor as well. I hope, if you are a minor, you understand that my story is a college story, everything happened between adults (and it started when I was 21), and absolutely nothing that I will say here applies to a high school setting. To be completely honest, it is not exactly any advice for a college setting either, as you will see that I have sorely regretted a lot of my actions and they have led to people getting hurt (mostly me). Even when it comes to professor-student relationships, I would still advise you to not act on your crush, or at least wait until you’ve graduated college. Had I done that, I would’ve spared myself a lot of headache. Also, I do believe as you get older, large age gaps get easier to deal with.

PART 1: JAMES (my crush)

I was 18 when I started college as a History major. It was 2015, and due to issues with my family that I’m not going to go into, I was severely depressed. I soon dropped out of college, spent some time away, and returned in 2017 (20 years old) as a Foreign Languages major this time. So, at 20 years old, I was still a freshman, which to me was super embarrassing, but oh well. Mental health first.

That’s when I met James (not his real name). He was a professor at my university, mainly teaching English. (I do not live in an English-speaking country, so English here doesn’t mean literature in English, but rather the actual language – reading, writing and listening skills in English). James was in his mid-thirties back then, I think, had gotten his PhD and a professor job at my university not too long before. The way it happened is, he published on the department’s Facebook page a notice that he needed an assistant to one of the English classes he taught. His only requirement was, the student needed to have finished the course with the highest grade. That was my case, as I had taken that course the previous semester (with a different professor). In my university, when you’re an assistant to a professor in any class, you get credits. I wanted credits, so I emailed him expressing my interest. He said great, come by my office next week at this time, and we can talk about it.

I went to his office as we had agreed, and that’s when I first met him in person. We talked for a bit, I thought he was very nice, and we agreed I would be his assistant in that specific English class. As his assistant, I was present in all of his classes, I helped take attendance, set up the projector, organize the desks/chairs, prepare the assignments, hand them out, grade them if necessary, answer any questions the students might have, etc. It was a Reading Comprehension class, so I also selected texts in English that I thought would be a good fit for him to assign to the students. This meant that we spent a lot of time together and we had a lot of contact outside of class, discussing plans for the course and solving problems that showed up. We would meet earlier than the time the class started, and after the class ended we stayed together for a while too. I didn’t have a crush on him immediately – it developed throughout the semester, because I guess of our growing proximity.

Now, let me tell you. When the crush did develop. I was OBSESSED. It was INSANE. I’d had crushes on teachers before, in middle school and in high school, but NOTHING LIKE THIS. Those crushes paled in comparison; they were reduced to jokes. My crush on James CONSUMED me, mind, body and soul. I don’t think I can stress this enough. I was a MESS – it was so deep, so strong, unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I thought about him every single minute of every single day. I planned every single one of my actions around him. I dressed for him, I got into credit card debt from buying expensive/pretty clothes that might appeal to him, I started a diet so I could lose weight for him (I was the thinnest and unhealthiest I’d ever been during that time), I started doing exercise (I would go jogging for 2 hours straight) also to lose weight, I wore short skirts, I showed cleavage, I put on more makeup than ever in my life. I wrote poems and songs for him, I overanalyzed our interactions and his very micro expressions, every word that he said. Every praise from him was like the highest high from the most powerful drug – the tiniest word of perceived disapproval was enough to render me suicidal. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. I hesitate to call it a crush. It was an ILLNESS. I stalked this man, I stalked him online (I found out everything I could about him and his friends and family), I stalked him physically (I would wait outside his office, at a reasonable distance, for him to come out - sometimes I would go up to him and talk to him, sometimes I would just walk by him and wave, pretending it was a coincidence we were in the same area, sometimes I would just watch him walk up to his car and drive away. I wrote down his license plate and looked for his car everywhere I went. I found out what neighborhood he lived in, and I used to go there in hopes that I could find out his exact building by checking parking spots for his car, and maybe I could also run into him there?). I found out he had a girlfriend and stalked her too, and I compared myself to her to the point of insanity. I shed literal blood, sweat and tears, I dedicated months of my life to this sick obsession, and this sick obsession ONLY. This was all I had. Guys, I did things I can’t even speak of here, because they were too wrong, too petty, quite frankly too embarrassing to admit even to strangers on Tumblr. That’s how bad it was.

I couldn’t regret it more. I think, being severely depressed, I considered this crush my lifeline, and I poured my soul into it like it could save me from darkness. But it was darkness, it was awful. And the worst thing? James didn’t deserve to have to deal with it. He is actually a good guy. I’m pretty sure he noticed how I felt, but he never once took advantage of it. He kept his distance, kept everything professional and ethical, never made advances, never did anything inappropriate, and reacted to my inappropriate behavior very well. He knew I was depressed, he tried getting me into therapy, but there was only so much he could do.

Looking back, I feel my crush on James as something of a curse. I was cursed with it – and it still lingers to this day, I still feel the pain from having been burned alive by these feelings even though I’ve put out all the flames by now. I’m fine, I’m better, 6 years later I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been… but I still shake at the sight of James. I still feel like I can’t quite breathe, even though I’m happily married now and most of the time it’s like James never existed. If I run into him, I can’t say it’s not a blow.

I hope one day I can get over him completely. I wanted to tell you guys the James story because I don’t want this to be simply a “omg I got married to my tc, if I did it you can do it too!!” kind of post. I don’t want to encourage anyone to go after their tcs like I went after James because it DOES NOT END WELL and I know better than anyone how unhealthy a teacher attachment can be. I still love to hear all about your tcs and your cute interactions with them and I so relate to how you guys feel, the good parts and the bad parts, I’m absolutely not judging anyone and I love this community so much. I even write tc/age gap stories, I’m always looking for books, movies, fanfics, etc. I love the trope, I love it. But I can’t lie to you – this particular experience in 2017 screwed me over hard.

Okay. I hope that was enough of a cautionary tale. Let’s move on.

PART 2: MARK (my husband)

So I was James’s assistant in that class, and then in some others. Whenever possible I would also sign up to be his student in courses he taught. This lasted for all of 2017 (the height of it) and 2018 (got slowly better, he was no longer the center of my universe, but I still loved him).

And in the meantime, I met Mark (also not his real name), another one of my professors. While James was in his mid thirties, Mark was in his late forties (which was older than my preferred age gap). The Foreign Languages major at my university focuses mostly on English, Spanish, and French – while James taught English Comprehension, Mark taught French History (actually the exact course title is more specific, so I’m not going to name it, but it’s basically French History).

Now, remember how I said my first choice of major at the university was History? (I was persuaded to change it, I regret it, let’s not talk about it.) At that point, I was still very much a History nerd, and French History was my jam. You can still go back to my posts about Robespierre (love of my life) from 2013/2014 here on the archive to this very Tumblr account. So needless to say, I knew an awful lot about the French Revolution going into Mark’s course.

Fun fact: the first time I enrolled in one of Mark’s classes, I thought absolutely nothing of him, but I did know one thing – all of the department offices were shared by two professors, and James’s office was shared by Mark. So on the very first day of class with Mark, he (Mark) was like “guys, I forgot some papers I wanted to hand out to you, they’re in my office – would someone be so kind as to hop in there and get them for us?”. (Office was located very close to the classroom) I was a shy student who almost never spoke in class or volunteered for anything, but when I tell you I JUMPED OUT OF MY CHAIR and practically yelled over another student was already offering, I was like “I’LL GO, I’LL GO, DON’T WORRY PROFESSOR, LEAVE IT TO ME”. I knew James would be there because his class had ended just before Mark’s started. Mark thanked me and so off I went, happily. James was indeed there, working on his desk. I knocked on the door, “Hi professor, may I come in? It’s just that Mark asked me to pick up these papers right here, don’t mind me, thank you so much, hope you’re doing well, see you next class?”. It was such a short interaction with James, but it MADE MY FUCKING DAY.

One week later I dropped out of Mark’s course because arriving on time for his class was getting in the way of me spending more time with James after his class.

Yeah. The irony.

I only saw Mark again on the next semester, when I enrolled in his class once more and there was nothing keeping me from finishing the course. We got closer as time went on precisely because none of the other students even really knew who Robespierre was, and I not only knew his name, but all of the names of the main French revolutionaries and the specific radical/moderate groups they were part of, and exactly their role in the start of the French Revolution leading up to their death. I was not new to being the teacher’s pet – most of my professors loved me at that time, so I ended up being an assistant to many professors apart from James, and Mark was only another one of them. I never had a crush on Mark. When I tell you he meant nothing to me, even though we were so close and we got along so well and had so many interesting conversations about the French Revolution – still my obsession with James was deep and I didn’t have eyes for anyone else.

So how did it happen, you ask me?

One day, Mark and I were having such a good conversation, it ended up lasting longer than we anticipated. We were talking, I was walking to the bus stop, he was walking home because he lived so close to the university and he didn’t have a car. He actually rode a bicycle to the university, but that day he just dragged his bicycle with him by his side so we could keep talking. We decided to stop at a food place and grab something to eat. And we kept talking. Conversation just flowed really naturally with us, and it was kind of a relief to not have to overanalyze everything I say and everything he says. I could just talk about History, I could just fangirl over Robespierre (Mark totally gets it, he thinks Robespierre is awesome too), I could just be myself. I didn’t have many friends at the university, no one I could really talk to and just have a good time with, so Mark was a godsend. We ordered food, kept talking, argued over the bill, then resumed heading towards our destinations. I had long passed my usual bus stop, but there were many stops I could go to, so I just decided I’d take the bus on the one closest to Mark’s place.

At this point, there was definitely a vibe already, we were both going out of our way to keep spending time together. I’m not sure what inspired my actions here. Maybe I wanted to forget about James for a while. Maybe I wanted a chance to make James jealous somehow. Maybe I just wanted someone to be into me, since James clearly never would. So I made up an excuse to go up to his apartment. We spent some more time together in his balcony, overlooking the city, and then out of the blue he’s like:

“You know, James broke up with his girlfriend.”

I was SHOCKED. I was SHAKEN TO MY CORE. I swear to God, I wanted to scream, I wanted to jump, I wanted to dance. I was SO HAPPY. But I couldn’t do any of that now, could I? So much was going through my head. How did Mark know about my feelings for James anyway? (Why else would he say that??) Was I so very obvious? Had James mentioned anything to him? What about the vibe between Mark and me? WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ON?!

I tried my best to not let out my hysteria over the news that James and his girlfriend had broken up. I tried to say as nonchalantly as I could:

“Oh, really? What a shame. Why did they break up?”

“She had an abortion, it seems, that he didn’t agree with.”

Guys, I can’t even describe the turmoil inside me. I’ll be honest, it affected me so much I don’t even remember what I said next, or what he said, or the rest of our conversation. The next thing I remember, Mark and I were making out on his couch and then the rest is history.

Okay so. Mark knew I liked James, not him. I knew Mark himself had just gotten out of a difficult relationship – he had lived in France for a while and had been in love with a French woman. When he returned to our country (he had to, because of his job at the university), she came with him, they had plans to get married and have children and everything. But she wasn’t able to adapt to the new culture and to being away from her family, so she broke up with him and went back to France. There, she got back together with her ex, and soon she was pregnant by him. Mark was still grieving that, he was still very much in love with her. So basically, I wasn’t really into Mark, Mark wasn’t really into me – we were both aware of that – and we started something of an ~~affair~~ (sex, it was just sex, friends with benefits at most) having agreed that it would be nothing more, considering our feelings for other people.

And like that, it stayed, for many months. And then, I don’t know. I guess when we were together, it was hard to keep it just sex, because we got along so well. We had so many of the same interests (e.g., French Revolution), and other things we introduced to each other – he got me into so much 80s/90s music, I got him into horror movies. We also found out we both loved Nietzsche, so we started reading Nietzsche together, and it was SO productive. He helped me understand so much of what Nietzsche wrote, that now I consider my readings of Nietzsche when I was 16/17 to have been useless, I didn’t GET IT AT ALL. And (he says) my thoughts on what we were reading helped him deepen his understanding as well. I started spending a lot of time at his apartment, and we just had so much fun! Also the sex was amazing

Eventually, we decided to give it a try. We just made sense for us to date, right? If we were attracted to each other and we were the best of friends, literally what was it about James and French Lady that was so important to keep Mark and I from moving on with our lives? Especially when French Lady was already married to another guy, and James was just not interested in me no matter how hard I tried to be something he might want. It made sense to at least try. So try we did, and you know what? Best decision I ever made.

PART 3: JAMES/MARK (how it ended)

James and I were supposed to work together on a project. It wasn’t a class this time, just a separate academic research project. It was the perfect chance for me, because it would give me even more time to spend with him. But honestly. What was the point? James didn’t want anything with me. This was crystal clear. And I was trying to move on with someone else. The topic of the research wasn’t even something I liked to study (it was no French Revolution!), it was literally just an excuse to spend time with James. And that didn’t seem fair, considering I was dating Mark now. So I decided to drop out of the research project.

But I’m not going to lie to you guys. I still loved James very much, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In fact, it was so hard that I kept putting it off, I kept delaying it, to the point I kind of ghosted James for a little while. I was so paralyzed by the prospect of giving up on him completely. And you don’t ghost someone on a research project, that’s shitty academic behavior. (Mark didn’t know about any of this, by the way. He still doesn’t to this day. I had stopped talking to him about James, because well, awkward, right?)

So one day, I decided it was time. I can’t ghost him any longer. I wrote a James a LONG (!) email, explaining why I had ghosted him (I blamed it on my depression), apologizing profusely for dropping out of the project, complimenting him intensely, and then, finally, asking him if we could maybe meet for coffee one of these days, I would like to give him a hug. Remember, this was a LONG email, and it ended with a question (can we meet in person?). Two days later, I get an answer. I don’t remember it word for word (it hurt me so deeply, I deleted the whole email exchange 5 minutes after reading it), but it was something in the lines of:

“Hi, Anissa. Thanks for explaining. Don’t worry about it, I completely understand. I hope you can get the help you need.

Best regards,

James”

I don’t think I need to explain how painful it was to receive an answer like that, after I had opened up so much to him in long paragraphs, and expressed a desire to see him. And as I got that answer, I started to ask myself why the hell I even wrote such a long email, why the hell I even asked to see him (said I wanted to HUG HIM), when I was dating someone else. In hindsight, that was an asshole move on my part. I guess James thought so too.

I don’t know if James knew about my relationship with Mark. When it comes to James and Mark, the truth is they never got along. I only found out as Mark and I became more intimate and he felt more comfortable confessing that he hates James, always has, and James hates him right back. They both avoided being at the office together. Mark thinks James is stupid, James thinks Mark is arrogant. And since I was Mark’s student, we kept our relationship a secret all along, and I’m sure Mark never told James anything. But who knows? Maybe he found out another way, maybe he guessed it. Maybe he doesn’t know at all, he just answered so coldly because he was angry at me for ghosting him on his project.

Guys. Ever since that email… I never talked to James again. We saw each other from a distance plenty of times at the university, and hell, I even took one of his classes again (it was mandatory, there was no way around it). It was 2020, during the pandemic, so it was all on Zoom, and I never had to say a word to him or show my face on the call. I took the online quizzes, and at the end of the semester I submitted a paper I had written for the final assignment. I received feedback from him saying the paper was excellent. It gave me a little bit of joy, as his praise was does… but also, a little bit of disgust. I know everything that went wrong between me and him was my fault. But I’m only human, and I can’t help it, I resent that email. I resent it a lot. I stopped talking to James partly out of respect for my new boyfriend, partly out of hatred for James and his stupid fucking email that broke my heart into a million pieces.

Flash forward to 2021. Mark and I were better than ever. One day, we’re like, you know what, if we get married we can probably save up on health insurance (I could be included in his health insurance, as his wife, and I was at that point without any health insurance at all). So I told my mom, “by the way mom, Mark and I are getting married for health insurance reasons”. My mom was over the moon and decided to plan the whole wedding. At first we wanted something small, but my mom went crazy and did something bigger than we planned (still small, because pandemic, but bigger than we wanted – there was an actual reception with my closest family and friends, back in my hometown). It was cute. Though I hate the pictures because I look so fat in my wedding dress. Being with Mark, I gained weight again, because he makes me feel loved me whether I’m thin or fat, and quite frankly fat is healthier for me. I still carry the harmful fatphobic feeling of inferiority from back when I was losing weight for James though.

2021 is when I should have graduated, but the truth is that when I had a crush on James, I fucked up a lot of my class schedule (remember how I dropped out of Mark’s class just to be able to spend time with James?) to make it work in favor of my obsession with him. And then the pandemic happened, which delayed my courses even more (we lost a whole semester there). So unfortunately, I only got to graduate last year, 2023, at the old age of 26 (awful, terrible, I hate it, I feel like shit for it, especially because it was my fault, my depression that kept me from college in 2015/2016, my sick obsessive crush that ruined my life in 2017/2018, and it was 2019 when I was able to start healing).

I’ve been married to Mark for 3 years now and it’s been THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. I’ve never been healthier, physically and mentally, and I love him so much, and we have 2 cats, and I love my cats, and our little family and our little home.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t feel (and never have felt) for Mark what I felt for James. But I think this is a good thing in the end. I think it’s the reason why my relationship with Mark is so good and so healthy. Because what I felt for James was an illness, not love. And I love Mark for who he is as a human being, NOT as a teacher. James was my teacher crush through and through, it was always about his position, his authority, his praise, his reproach, his distance, his inaccessibility – never about his friendship. Because as much as I might want to fool myself sometimes, we never were friends, we were always teacher and teaching assistant.

I’m gonna end it on this note: last month (December 2023), I presented my final paper (a research paper every student has to present in order to get their diploma by my university). For the final paper, most of the professors in the department are present to watch you speak and present your research findings. So that was the last time I saw James – he was there to watch this semester’s graduating class present their papers. He watched me present mine. When I got up on stage, he was sitting directly in front of me, facing me in a way that made it almost hard for us not to stare at each other. I was deeply affected by his presence. I don’t even remember how my presentation went, I was so conscious of James being right there in front of me. When I finished, I was congratulated and complimented and praised by almost every professor in the department, they all had loved my research. All except one. James didn’t say a word to me. I didn’t say a word to him either. At a certain point we were pulled into the same circle of conversation, but we both kept quiet, let other people speak, looked away when our eyes met, and made sure to walk away in opposite directions as soon as possible. I have no idea why he’s being like this, whether he hates me for ghosting, whether he hates me for being with Mark, whether he just doesn’t care about me at all and never has. I just don’t know. I’ve been trying my hardest not to care too.

Anyway. This was a ride. If you made it this far, I LOVE YOU. I may need to go cry now.

[itsimaginetime]

So I've been seeing a lot of discourse lately about minors and smut. Is it ok for them to read it? To write it? Etc etc...

And so I wanted to share my own opinion and please, I would love to know your opinions as well (you can comment, reblog or anonymously send an ask to voice your opinion about the matter) and let's keep this respectful and civilized 💕

Alright so first things first, I myself wrote smut for the first time when I was 15 years old (I'm currently 18) and posted it on my insta account which didn't have my age on it and I was never asked to disclose my age on it either.

I've personally never seen anyone express their discontent with minors writing smut until this year. I'm sure I've just never come across it and it's actually been a big point of discussion for a long time and I was just never aware of that.

Now , before I go on and talk about things in more detail, let me say one thing:

‼️If you're uncomfortable with the fact that I used to be a minor who wrote smut then please, block me and move on with your life. I'm simply here to share my opinion ; as someone who has experienced being in the fanfiction community (as a reader first then later as a writer) since the age of like 11 or 12; freely and discuss this topic with people who are open to have a genuine conversation.‼️

With that out of the way, let's continue.

What's the situation all about?

To put it simply, a certain amount of writers are expressing their discomfort about minors reading their work and/or them reading smut written by minors and/or seeing minors writing smut and posting it.

(if you're one the people who doesn't like minors writing smut , can you please explain it in detail? I would love to hear your opinion and have you share it so that people can understand the situation from the p.o.v of someone who's directly affected by it)

How do I feel about minors reading/writing smut and posting it on the internet?

I feel complete and utter indifference towards this situation, that is why I feel like a neutral and unbiased opinion like my own is needed in this discussion.

Now, would I go out of my way to read and/or interact with a smut writer if I knew they are a minor? Absolutely not. But I do not care if they read my work and enjoy it. My work is posted publicly and I'm not interested in monitoring who reads it and who doesn't.

Should minors read and/or write smut?

Should or shouldn't they is truly up for debate and depends on the person.

What I'm interested in pointing out is the fact that they can and they will do so if they're determined enough.

Now do you ,as a writer and/or reader, have the right to be uncomfortable and have the right to set your boundaries? Absolutely yes you do, however that doesn't change the fact that kids are determined and will find a way.

Is it possible to get rid of minors in the nsfw writing space?

No. No , it's not a possibility. No matter how much you shame them and berate them , no matter how much you ask nicely and beg them to leave , minors have always been and will always be part of the nsfw writing community in one way or another.

And I believe it's not possible to get rid of minors in the nsfw writing community because they are kids. Let me explain.

They are underdeveloped humans. Majority of them do not understand nor do they comprehend why someone would feel uncomfortable towards them being part of this community. Most of them are simply not capable of understanding even if you explain it thoroughly.

Now you can , in fact, scare them off and berate them and shame them and attack them to make them leave. Yes, you can do that , but should you?

Being hostile or passive aggressive won't wield a positive result. On the off chance that they leave the community or delete their content after your confrontation , they could easily come back with a new account, a new identity and lie their way through to avoid your hostility towards them. And believe me , I've seen it happen before.

Not only would you be wasting your time by shaming them into leaving, but you'll also be encouraging other minor smut writers who witness your behavior to lie about their age as an attempt to avoid people like you. And that would only complicate the situation more.

What to do if you're uncomfortable with minor smut writers in general

Block them and move on. Trying to kick them out of the community won't work since even if you succeed they can always come back like I already stated in the previous section.

Is there a solution to this issue?

I personally don't believe there is a perfect solution that will satisfy everyone but I have come up with a solution where we can all meet in the middle. I don't believe that it's a perfect solution but it's the best solution that I could come up with. (Please don't be shy and let me know what you think is the best solution)

My solution to this issue

As I've already stated , I don't believe getting rid of minors in this community is possible so that option is off the table for me.

I think we should encourage minors to be honest about their age , that way whoever is uncomfortable with them can avoid them and block them.

Like I said before , I'm well aware this solution has its flaws and it's not perfect by any means, however I believe this is the most civilized solution we can use. If we can have minors disclose their ages truthfully, we can separate the community into multiple sections , one of those sections will house the minors all together, far away from interacting with adults who are uncomfortable with being in the same space with them.

Again , I would love to hear your opinion about this situation if you're part of the nsfw writing community, and I would love to have a nice , civilized and respectful conversation with anyone who's willing to talk. I want to broaden my understanding of the situation and having these types of discussions is the best way to do so.

[frogletscribe]

Until It Doesn’t Hurt

Chapter 11: So Long and Lost

Summary:

20 years since the RDA was pushed off of the moon of Pandora, they are back once more. The RDA thinks their only problem is the traitor Jake Sully and his family, but as it turns out, Jake wasn’t the only ‘problem’ left behind 20 years ago. 

Anthe was a child soldier, stolen from their home and forced to learn the ways of the humans, erasing any of their connections to the Na’vi from before. Finally free from the RDA’s hold after being trapped in cryosleep, they're about to make themselves everyone's problem.

---

Tenak has entered the chat, Neteyam struggles to adapt, Anthe and Spider get bad news

_____________________________________________

Pairing: Aged Up!Neteyam X Nonbinary!Na'vi!Reader/OC (OC and Neteyam are both around 20)

Warnings: Mentions of Past Violence, Mentions of Past Trauma, Mild Claustrophobia, No Use of Y/N, Blood, Self-depreciation, Neglectful Parenting, Suggestive Themes, Mutual Pining, Hurt-Comfort, Found Family

WC: 3672 words. AO3 Link Here

A/N: Okay its been a sec! I graduated college (yaay) and also had my laptop and switch stolen in the same day (;~;) SO, this took me a minute to finish. Also thank you to everyone who has been liking and reblogging my doodles!

I feel like I should also note that I still have not played Frontiers of Pandora so, there are obviously going to be differences. I'm staying away from using too many explicit references, or else im gonna frustrate myself when i actually do get to play the game lol

{ } indicate speaking Na'vi

Masterlist

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One of Tenak’s clearest memories of his childhood was the first time had met Anthe. He was thirteen years old, the oldest child to have been taken just a few years prior. There were only three others then, all between eight and eleven, and all looking to him for safety and guidance. Anthe arrived with three more children, nine years old and full of spite and fire. The others that came with them were even smaller, six and seven at most, clinging to Anthe’s legs, trying to hide from the strangers that had killed their families and stole them from their homes. 

Tenak watched through the classroom window with Kala, a girl from his village that had been stolen with him, waiting to see what would happen with this new group of Na’vi children. They watched the RDA soldiers try to drag Anthe and the other kids towards the classroom. The smaller children went more easily, still too scared to fight back, but not Anthe. Tenak watched the younger child kick and hiss at the soldiers. Teacher tried to step in, urging the soldiers to stop trying to force the child to go, but the soldiers were already angry, and Anthe was still kicking and cursing at anything that tried to get too close. 

So, Tenak made a choice. He left the classroom, pushing past Teacher and the soldiers and putting himself between them and the child. Someone tried to grab him, and drag him back into the classroom as well, but at thirteen Tenak was already taller and stronger than the human soldiers, and could easily brush them back. He stuck out a hand to who he would soon know to be Anthe, helping them back to their feet where the soldiers had pushed them down. They eyed him warily, as Teacher was frantically trying to keep the soldiers from escalating things further. 

“{Why do you dress like them?}” Anthe’s voice was small but accusatory. Tenak looked down at himself, clad in the TAP issue pants and shirt he wore. By contrast, this new child still wore their more traditional Na’vi clothes, a woven and beaded top with matching tewng.

“{They took my clothes.}” He said simply, his mother tongue feeling rusty in his own mouth. “{They will take yours too, and anything else you have.}” The child swallowed, curling in on themselves protectively.

“Hey! English only! You know the rules!” One of the soldiers grabbed Tenak by the arm, shouting in his face.

“They do not know English yet.” He hissed back through gritted teeth. “They are confused, and will not listen until they know what’s going on.” There was a moment of tension, Tenak staring down the soldier holding him, ears pinned back against his skull. 

“Then do your explaining back in the classroom.” The soldier finally relented, shoving the children towards the door. Anthe was less resistant this time, holding close to Tenak as he quietly ushered them into the room, Teacher close behind them. The three other new children were all huddled together around Kala, sniffling and sobbing into her shirt. She was only eleven, and already acting like a mother hen for all the younger children.

“Okay.” Teacher let out a shaky breath, closing the door behind her. “New agenda for the day, we are going to help our new friends get adjusted.” Her smile when she turned back to the eight Na’vi children did not meet her eyes, and Tenak could see the anxiety in the shake of her hands.

Over the next several hours, Tenak and Kala helped Teacher clean up and dress the new children in TAP uniforms. More soldiers came and went, taking away the children’s old clothes and songcords, but while there were many tears, this time there was less fighting. Anthe, as Tenak finally managed to get their name, refused to make a single sound or acknowledge anyone but him. Not once did they cry, only gritting their teeth and clenching their fists as even more was taken from them. That was the last day any of them were allowed to speak Na’vi freely and without punishment, the last day they had even the smallest taste of home, and the first day of the rest of their lives.

Ten years they stayed in TAP, losing their language and stories with the passage of time. Ten years trapped in a cage that turned them into weapons against their own people. All the younger ones were gone now and all that was left were Tenak, Kala, and Anthe. But, Anthe hadn’t woken up when he and Kala had. They had lost fifteen years of their lives to the cryopods and Anthe was still asleep.

 Every year, for the last five years, he had made a point of going back to TAP and checking on Anthe in their pod. When he and Kala had first woken up, Anthe’s pod was the only other one to have not gone completely dark already. They had tried everything they could think of to get their younger sibling out and nothing had worked. So Tenak took to waiting, going back as often as he could, waiting for Anthe to wake up. 

However, he had gotten caught up in the new RDA invasion, trying to protect the new friends and clans he had met in the Western Frontier of Pandora, and now Anthe was gone. Tenak had returned to where Kala was staying with the Aranahe clan in a panic, Pandora was a big place and their younger sibling could be anywhere. Kala was significantly calmer about the news, reassuring him that Anthe would find their way back to them. She had always been the wisest of their family and a mother figure to the younger of them. 

“They are strong, Tenak. Anthe knows how to take care of themselves.”

“But they are alone! And you know they hate about being around strangers. They’re not going to stay with another clan.” Tenak knew Anthe too well, and knew their anxiety about being an outsider. He had struggled with it as well before he and Kala had met the clans in the west.

“We don’t know that. There are many clans, it's entirely possible that they found a safe place to stay.”

But where Kala was a calm and patient voice to soothe him, Tenak’s own inner voice was the exact opposite. Within two days, Tenak was searching every clan in the area, using an old photograph of the two of them he carried with him to ask if anyone had seen Anthe. The longer he searched the more stressed he got, especially knowing that the RDA was back, leaving Anthe in more danger because of it. 

Now, Tenak was practically a year into his search, and there was still no sign of his younger sibling. Kala stayed behind with the Aranahe, just in case they popped up, but Tenak set his sights for the East. There were a number of clans in that direction, as well as the new RDA headquarters if his intel was right. If Anthe was there then Tenak would find them, no matter what it took.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The Metkayina Clan at Awa’atlu were kind to the Sully’s for the most part. The first few weeks in the reef village were tense, but with help from the Olo’eyktan and his family, mostly his daughter Tsireya, the family was brought quickly into the larger community. Neteyam’s siblings seemed to take to the ways of the water quickly, but the same could not be said for Neteyam himself. Where once he excelled in every aspect of his life, now he floundered. He struggled to master the breathing techniques Tsireya taught them, and grew frustrated by his slow pace in the water. It was not helped by Ao’nung, Tsireya’s older brother, and his taunting. Neteyam hadn’t wanted to leave home in the first place, but he needed to stay strong for the rest of his family. There was no room for Neteyam to mourn. 

Now he sat on the sandy beach, watching his siblings joke with each other and their new friends. Kiri and Tuk were building a sandcastle with Tsireya, while Rotxo was play-fighting in the serf with Ao’nung. Lo’ak had run off in a huff earlier, upset that no one believed that his new Tulkun friend was not the killer they believed it to be. At least his younger brother was no longer fighting with Ao’nung. It was a good development, especially given the recent fight the Sully brothers had had with the Metkayina man and his friends. Neteyam licked the healing cut on his lip at the memory, wincing as it still stung. Neteyam was still pissed at Ao’nung himself, even if his brother had apparently forgiven him.  After the fight, when Lo’ak had attempted to make peace, Ao’nung had almost gotten Lo’ak killed, abandoning the younger man outside the reef in Akula territory. At least, there was no more fighting or insults being thrown.

Neteyam thought now, as he did often, of Anthe, wondering if they were okay, if they had escaped the RDA or were still there with Spider. If they were even still alive. He thumbed softly at the hilt of Anthe’s knife, the only thing he had left of them besides the gifts he never got the chance to give them. Neteyam had finished the knife he made for them, and kept it wrapped up with his belongings, and the clothes Kiri had made for them, hiding it from view. No one had tried talking to him about Anthe since they left the Omaticaya except Kiri, who did her best to reassure him that they would be fine, wherever they were. Even his parents seemed to avoid the subject, as if they had never existed, as if they had never spent the better part of a year in the family's company. 

He thought back to their last conversation, how Anthe could believe they weren’t worthy of safety or belonging within the Omatikaya. The thought that they couldn’t ever belong. At the time, he found it hard to understand. He couldn’t see how just having a different upbringing could make a person feel so separate from those around him. Unwelcome. Outsider. But, Neteyam understood it now. He felt it, here with the Metkayina, where none of his previous skills had value, and he was no longer the eldest son of the Olo’eyktan of the Omatikaya. Just another demon blooded outsider. Kiri and Lo’ak had it even worse too, he knew that, even back home they had struggled. Neteyam felt like he had no right to feel this pain now, while his siblings had felt it their entire lives. At least he had his family, all together, all safe, going through the same things with him. Anthe was just alone, not knowing if their family was even alive. No wonder nothing he said had helped. No wonder they had left him when he couldn’t even understand that much. 

“{‘Teyam?}” Kiri’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts, back to the beach. 

“{Kiri, hey.}” Neteyam shook himself, pocketing the knife again.

“{Are you alright?}” Kiri asked, plopping herself down beside him, and leaning close.

“{I’m fine.}” He shrugged, not looking at his younger sister.

“{Come on, Neteyam, don’t be like that.}” Kiri frowned, nudging Neteyam in the side. “{You’re worried aren’t you?}” Neteyam just shrugged again, leaning into Kiri a bit.

“{I’m fine, Kiri, I promise.}”

“{But you’re not! I know you miss Anthe and your home sick, we all are.}”

“{Kiri.}” He sighed, “{You really do not need to worry about me, I will be fine, I’m just…}”

“{Sad. You’re sad, and heart broken, and I know you would rather wallow in it but I don’t accept that. I miss Spider more than anything, but we have to trust that they will be okay. They will come back.}” Kiri spoke, holding Neteyam’s face in her hands and forcing him to look at her. Of course he knew she was right, just as she usually was. Neteyam let out a heavy sigh, slumping into his sister’s hands and letting his face squash in her palms. Kiri smiled, pinching her older brother's cheeks with a soft chuckle.

 “{Tsireya said she got her mother's permission to take us to the Spirit Tree here, you should come with us. Please, come with us.}”

“{Okay.}” Neteyam nodded finally, letting Kiri drag him back to his feet.

“{Is he coming?}” Tuk hollered, seeing her older siblings approach where she and Tsireya sat.

“{Should we try to find Lo’ak too?}”Tsireya looked to Kiri, worried expression on her soft features. The Metkayina girl had grown close with Neteyam’s younger brother, who in turn had a very obvious crush on her as well. 

“{I’m not sure he really wants to be around us yet. We can bring him next time.}” Kiri sighed.

It didn't take long for the group to reach the Metkayina’s underwater Spirit Tree, but the sun was still setting quickly in the distance. Ao’nung had excused himself before the group had left, leaving Tsireya and Rotxo to guide Neteyam and his sisters. Even from atop the waves, the view of the glowing tree below them was breathtaking. Tuk was standing excitedly on the back of Kiri’s Ilu, eager to jump straight in, while Tsireya explained that she and Rotxo would act as the Sully’s dive partners to keep them safe while they connected to the tree.

    One by one they each slipped from the backs of their Ilu and dove down into the water. Neteyam could see that Kiri especially seemed excited. She had prayed at the Brother Tree back in their home forest all the time, and was deeply spiritual compared to Neteyam and the rest of his siblings. This would be the first time in months that she could connect to Eywa again since they left. Rotxo brought Tuk to one coral-like branch of the tree while Tsireya led Neteyam and Kiri to their own, encouraging them to connect. He could see why his little brother could be falling for such a sweet girl. Carefully, he reached back for his kuru, watching the pink tendrils hidden beneath the end of his braid eagerly reach for the tree as he brought them to the branch and closed his eyes.

Neteyam was back in the forest, familiar and warm, in an area he knew quite well. He followed the small path to the pond he had brought Anthe to so long ago. It was just as he remembered, the afternoon light bleeding softly through the tree canopy above, glittering across the shifting pool like gems. It felt calm there, peaceful in a way Neteyam missed. But something still felt like it was missing, beyond just the fact that Neteyam knew he wasn’t actually there. It was calm, but it was also lonely, the lack of Anthe’s presence making itself known. 

Homesick, heartbroken, hopeless, Neteyam felt all of it. At least here, he could actually let himself feel it, finally someplace private without fear of interruption. The last time he had tried to have a moment to himself, it had been cut off by the admission from Ao’nung that Lo’ak had been abandoned out in open water, and Neteyam had been scolded for not being there to stop it. Here that wouldn’t happen, he could just be alone and feel as sad as he needed to without being a burden to anyone. It was cathartic, right up until the flashing started, suddenly pulling Neteyam from the connection, back to reality. Neteyam shook his head, trying to orient himself as Tsireya rushed past him, towards where he saw Kiri convulsing, seizing under the water.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

 “We found something.” Quaritch grinned at the group of Recoms standing around the conference room, and Anthe felt their heart drop to the pit of their stomach. There was a chorus of whooping and cheers from the soldiers around them, but Spider was stock still and pale as a ghost. Anthe did their best not to show their dread, forcing a grin and high five when Ja turned towards them to celebrate.

“We got a helicopter ping headed in the direction of this cluster of islands.” The Colonel pointed out on a holographic map, showing an area to the South West of their current location. 

“Ardmore is sending us to the RDA coastal base, here.” He pointed to an area more immediately west of Bridgehead. “Where we will catch a ride to search the islands.”

“Colonel.” Anthe managed, doing their best to seem as neutral as possible. They had only just been released from their ‘probation’, their ankle tracker finally removed, and one step closer to getting out. 

“What is it, private?”

“Are we sure it’s them? You said all that was left back at the original RDA base were scientists, could it just be a research team or something?”

“It’s possible.” Quaritch nodded. “But it's still a lead to Sully. If it's anything good, then maybe you’ll get some use outta that rifle of yours, too. Speaking of-” Quaritch motioned over to a grinning Lyle who excitedly pulled a familiar large shape from behind his back, handing it to Anthe.

“You get your piece back!” The recom grinned, clapping a hand on Anthe’s shoulder. Anthe was quick to check over the rifle, it was cleaner than they expected with a new strap, but undamaged and otherwise unchanged. The weapons' familiar weight in their hands brought with it a sense of safety Anthe hadn’t truly felt in a while, that made the smile that crossed their face feel that much more genuine. They held it close, nodding a quiet thanks to Lyle as he crossed back to his place at the Colonel’s side.

“Right.” Quaritch coughed, regaining the room's attention, an air of smugness about him that suggested he was pleased with Anthe’s reaction. “We leave in one hour, so get your shit together and be ready to go. Anthe, make sure the kid doesn’t break anything while we load up. Dismissed.”

As soon as Quaritch said the word, Anthe was half dragging Spider out of the conference room, back to their dorm. The rifle was comfortably back on their shoulder right where it belonged. Spider was silent, his hands balled into tight fists as Anthe pulled him into their room, locking the door behind them. They turned back to the man slowly, standing stock still in the middle of the room. 

“{Spider-}” Anthe started, moving towards their friend.

“{Do you think it’s them?}” Spider suddenly spun towards them, eyes panicked.

“{I don’t know.}” 

“{It can’t be them right? There shouldn’t be any reason for a helicopter to go find them unless… unless something went wrong.}” He was spiraling, eyes darting around as he was definitely imagining the worst possible reasons for the Sully’s to suddenly need a helicopter. 

“{Spider, look at me.}” Anthe knelt, tossing the rifle on the bed.

“{Something is wrong, something has to be wrong! What if someone is hurt? Lo’ak or Kiri- What if-}”

“{Spider!}” Anthe grabbed both sides of his face, forcing him to look at them. “{We won’t know until we can get out of here, okay? I need you to breathe, deep breathes.}” They placed a palm on his chest, which Spider quickly grabbed onto, trying to anchor himself. Anthe guided him in taking deep, slow breathes, until the man's heart was no longer beating so erratically under their hand.

“{Thinking up worst case scenarios is not going to help anyone right now.}”  Anthe spoke again, once Spider had somewhat calmed, and they were both sat on the cold floor of the dorm. 

“{Those idiots just gave me back my gun, and they took off the ankle tracker. All we need now is to get rid of your tracker, and find an opportunity to get out of here. If the Sully’s are on one of those islands, then the sooner we get out and warn them, the better. Okay?}”

“{Okay.}” Spider said nodding, his voice barely more than a whisper.

“{We won’t let anyone get hurt. I promise.}”

An hour later Anthe and Spider were on one of Bridgeheads roofs with the rest of the Recoms, securing their few belongings onto Anthe’s ikran before they flew out to the RDA coastal base. Spider remained quiet, largely giving everyone but Anthe the cold shoulder. Quaritch kept looking over at them, something like concern playing on his hard features. 

“Okay, Ted. Ready to go?” Anthe said quietly as they mounted their Ikran, the aforementioned Ted, who shuddered lightly as Anthe bonded to her. They leaned over, reaching a hand out to Spider and hoisting him up into their lap when he took it. 

“I still can’t believe you named her Ted.” Spider scoffed, setting himself more comfortably against their front, while Anthe made final adjustments before take off.

“Ted is a fine name, and it's better than ‘Cupcake’,” Anthe smiled, gesturing to where Quaritch was mounting up, making Spider snicker. “Or whatever Lyle named his. What was it again? Manly Barber?” 

“Malibu Barbie!” Lyle shouted from the back of his mount, sounding offended.

“Why?” Spider asked, not bothering to hide his incredulousness.

“She’s pink!” Lyle gestured to the creature's bright pink and yellow markings. Anthe and Spider looked at eachother, sharing confused shrugs.

“I don’t get it.” Anthe shook their head back at Lyle, who groaned in frustration.

“Barbie! The fashion icon! How do you not know this?!”

“I think it’s an earth thing.” Spider frowned up at Anthe, who was feeling increasingly confused.

“Wainfleet! Quit screwing around! We ready to go?” Quaritch shouted over the bickering. There was a small chorus of ‘yessir’s from the recoms, all mounted and ready on their Ikran. Quaritch signaled take off, launching into the air and taking the lead as Anthe and the other soldiers followed.

[aphroditelovesu]

WOAH, i just noticed that u wrote for Percy Jackson

can I request platonic yandere annabeth x shy sister child reader? (11-12)

(I know that I use the shy child reader alot but it's kind of a guilty pleasure of mine, if u can call it that) - 🌓

‘’I will always take care of you, little sister.’’ - Annabeth Chase.

❝–🦉 Lady L: Sure! Ah, ah don't worry, I actually enjoying writing a platonic yandere and I can see myself on the reader place when it's shy, since I am like that irl 😝

❝–🦉 TW: yandere themes, mention of murder, possessive and obsessive behavior, overprotective and manipulative older sister.

❝–🦉 Pairing: Yan!Platonic Annabeth Chase x Female!Reader

Annabeth is one of the most smartest, rational people and demigods you could ever meet, thanks to the fact that she is a daughter of Athena. Ever since she was a child Annabeth has always had extreme intelligence and that hasn't changed a bit over the years.

However, after your birth, things changed, in this case Annabeth's behavior. You were another child of Athena, but you were also the daughter of Annabeth's father, which made you more special than the other half-demigods brothers she has.

Annabeth immediately became attached to you after your birth, she was seven years old at the time and was already at Camp Half-Blood but when she heard you were born she insisted on coming home. She didn't care about anything else, not even her stepmother or half-siblings (both human and demigod), she wanted you. She wanted to be with you and she would.

She idolizes her mother, Athena, so the fact that you're her mother's child with her father made you really important to her. Annabeth inwardly dreams of her parents getting together, although they haven't (yet) and having you here made that dream more possible.

As you grew up, Annabeth was always by your side. No matter what it was, your birthday, family reunions or your graduation, she would always be there, cheering you on. Chase is an extremely proud older sister, she literally takes pride in anything you do.

Expect to receive many gifts and rewards from your sister. She loves to spoil you because she thinks you deserve it. You were adorable, so why not? It gets to the point where you have to set aside a room just for the things she gives you. Though sometimes the gifts can be scary, like Medusa's head or anything else she kills or takes on one of her quests.

When you turn eleven, it's time to head to Camp Half-Blood and Annabeth of course would be the one to take you, but not before strictly warning you about the people you should stay away from and if anyone messes with you it's to warn her. Annabeth was already head of Athena's Cabin, so you would share the same room as her.

She is very possessive, she feels entitled to control you. Annabeth would push away anyone who got too close to you for her liking, but luckily, for her at least, you were a shy child, so you rarely talked to the other campers.

Unfortunately, Annabeth can't control your actions all the time, even if she wanted to. So when you got your first quest, she really wanted to keep you at the Camp, where you'd be safe. But she couldn't do that, so on your missions you would always be with Annabeth.

She is very clingy too. As stated before, she rarely leaves your side. If she had any obligations, you would be dragged along with her. Annabeth doesn't want you to be alone or around bad influences.

It's worth mentioning Percy, your sister's boyfriend. Percy has grown fond of you too and has become as protective of you as Annabeth, so let's be clear, you'll have two cunning demigods always hovering over you. Percy is actually one of the few people Annabeth encourages you to talk to. She knows you can trust him as much as she does, so she doesn't feel threatened when you're with him.

Annabeth is a little delusional. She sees you as one of the reasons her dream of seeing her parents together can come true and she knows you want that dream fulfilled as much as she does. At least that's what she thinks. But none of that matters, she's your big sister and you should listen to her like a good little sister, right? And you will never question her, after all, she just wants to see you safe and well.

[cocogum]

Gon was born in 1988.

One thing that always bothered me about the 2011 version, was how they made Gon and Killua say that they were exactly 12 instead of saying “almost 12”.

Now I know I shouldn’t be complaining about something so small and insignificant.

But I’m still going to.

When I saw these two saying they were 12 instead of saying that they were almost 12, it irked me because I knew the math wouldn’t be right. If they were actually 12, then they’d be born in 1987 making the timeline of the story incorrect and changing the whole story by taking off a year of it.

By changing one detail and making it look like another, you mess up something bigger than just a character’s age. When it comes to what year hxh takes place in, we have to rely on what we’ve got since the story doesn’t say it for us but simply gives us clues and hints.

But that’s not the point here. The point that I’m trying to make is that every time his year of birth pops up on his bio, it shows the year 1987 instead of 1988. At first, I didn’t think much about it, since I knew the wiki was talking about his anime counterpart. But when people started using the year 1987 for his official birthday, it just felt too messy and unorganized for me so that’s why I’m making this to not only help myself to remember but also if anyone has had the same problem I had.

So let’s begin.

Gon was born on May 5th, XXXX.

At the very beginning of the series, Gon, Leorio, Kurapika and Killua take the 287th hunter exam on January 7th and took exactly 8 days for them to finish it (so from January 7th to January 15th). Specifically in chapter 6, Killua asks Gon how old he is. The boy tells him he’s almost 12 to which Killua also says the same thing (like seriously dude u could’ve just said 11 instead of saying “almost 12” like why complicate yourself???)

So now we know the main character’s age during this time period which was 11.

Next, when the main four finally reunite on September 1st (Kurapika joins them just a bit later) in the Yorknew City arc, Gon and Killua are finally 12 since their birthdays (May 5th for Gon and July 7th for Killua) passed already.

Let’s fast forward a little.

In chapter 146, Bisky tells Gon and Killua that the new year is almost there, specifically stating that it is currently December 29th.

(This scene also helps us to know that the Hunter exam usually stops accepting participants on the 31st of December.)

Just a bit later during the same chapter, when Killua exits the game to apply for the hunter exam a second time, we see a sign hanging from a store building which conveniently just happens to show us the exact year of when this is all occurring as well as the month and the day. According to the sign, the date is said to be December 29th, 1999.

(Not only do we get the full date but we also get the time too which is 15:08 aka 3:08 pm.)

We know this scene takes place on December 29th since Bisky confirmed it on the panel just above this one so we can trust this building sign for giving us an exact answer on the year and time this is taking place in.

Since every hunter exam starts on January 7th (the application deadline ends on December 31st), Killua would have passed the 288th hunter exam on the seventh day of the new year (since he instantly beat everyone on the first phase).

Now we go even further into the timeline.

If we fully skip the full chimera ant arc and go right to the scene where Gon’s at the hospital, we get to see a doctor in chapter 316 explaining to Knuckle and Knov the situation that Gon is currently in. While explaining to them the severity of his condition, we can see the doctor privately commenting on how he’s shocked to see that a 12-year-old boy turned out like this in just one day.

(So apparently 4 months have passed during the chimera ant arc cuz why the hell would that doctor say he’s 12 if it took the hunter team more than four months to win against the ants??)

Fast forward again.

The 289th hunter exam occurs only this time, instead of starting on January 7th like usual, it got postponed to a later date so that the Hunter association could gather the necessary resources to help Beyond Netero and the Kakin Empire to properly accompany them to the Dark Continent. Even though we don’t know when this specific hunter exam eventually started, we know that it ended on July 3rd which makes Gon 13 years old (and eventually Killua as well since his birthday is only 4 days later).

So there we go.

Gon is 13 years old in 2001 (which is the current year that the story is taking place in) and his complete birthdate is May 5th, 1988.

[theinquisitxor]

December 2023 Reading Wrap Up

I read 11 books in December, and it was a great reading month to finish the year. I read 4 audiobooks, and 7 physical books.

1.The Lost Metal (Mistborn 7) by Brandon Sanderson 4/5 stars. I’m glad I read this series, and reading on audio was definitely the way to go for me. I enjoyed this last installment in the series, and I loved how this book flung the doors wide open for the Cosmere and relations to other books. Adult High Fantasy, read on audio.

2. A Strange and Stubborn Endurance by Foz Meadows, 5/5 stars. I reread this favorite in anticipation for the sequel. This book has a lot of what I enjoy-- a character driven political fantasy romance with plenty of representation and a good dose of drama. I enjoyed my reread just about as much as the first. Adult Fantasy Romance, Queer

3.All the Hidden Paths by Foz Meadows, 4/5 stars. This was a good follow up adventure following our two main characters from book 1. There were some tropes/elements I didn't enjoy as much, but it was still a gripping and engaging as the first book. Adult Fantasy Romance, Queer

4. Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones, 5/5 stars. When people ask me "what's your favorite book?" this is the answer I give. I like to reread this every other year or so, especially around the holidays. Middle Grade fantasy

5.Castle in the Air by Diana Wynne Jones, 3/5 stars. Despite HMC being my favorite, I've never actually read the 2 follow up books. I finally told myself I would read these before the end of the year. This was a fun enjoyable story that takes us to another part of this fantasy land that DWJ created, with new and old characters. It's not nearly on the same level as HMC, but I enjoyed reading it and getting more of the classic DWJ wit and narration. middle grade fantasy

6. House of Many Ways by Diana Wynne Jones, 4/5 stars. Diana Wynne Jones was so clever, and that really shines through in this story. I think part of the reason why I put off reading the two sequels to HMC for years was because I never wanted the story to end and be "done". This was one of the last books DWJ ever wrote, and it really feels like saying goodbye. middle grade fantasy

7. Index, A History of the: A Bookish Adventure from Medieval Manuscripts to the Digital Age by Dennis Duncan. If you enjoy book history and diving deep into a niche topic, then I think this is a great book. It's amazing how the concept of the 'index' has existed in some form since humans began writing. Nonfiction, read on audio.

8. The Dark Is Rising by Susan Cooper, 4/5 stars. I reread this via the BBC Radio production, while listening to the corresponding days for each segment. I really enjoyed this production, with different voices for each characters, and background noises as well. Gave a very cinematic experience.

9. Gathering Moss: A Natural and Cultural History of Mosses by Robin Wall Kimmerer, 5/5 stars. I loved this book narrated by the author herself. I loved learning more about moss, while also getting essays about the authors life, work, and natural world around us. I very much recommend this one. Nonfiction, read on audio.

10. The Blue Sword (Damar #1) by Robin McKinley, 5/5 stars. I really enjoyed my time reading this book and this was a good reminder of what makes classic fantasy so great. This novel is also proof that you can have a fully realized fantasy story with great characters, lore, and plot, and have it all under 300 pages. This is one I can see myself rereading.

11. The Hero and the Crown (Damar 2) by Robin McKinley, 4/5 stars. A good prequel to book 1 and exploration of some of the myths/stories from book 1. This is very much a Girl + Horse + Magical Sword go on an adventure and save the kingdom type story.

That's it for December! It was a strong finish to the end of the year, and pushed me over 100 books for 2023. Here's to 2024 and another good reading year! 🥂

January TBR:

A Winter's Promise (Mirror Visitor series) by Christelle Dabos + book 2?

A Fragile Enchantment by Allison Saft

Realm Breaker by Victoria Aveyard + book 2?

The Atlas Complex by Olivie Blake

Mislaid in Parts Half-Known by Seanan McGuire (audio)

Emily Wilde's Map of the Otherlands by Heather Fawcett

Beartown by Frederik Backman + book 2?

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer (audio)

[rainofthetwilight]

-20 asks for Fic Writers-

hey!! I was tagged by @basicallyjaywalker to do this tag game, so ty for the tag rook!! :D

for tags, hmm... @taddymason @lightning-chicken @toastingpencils37 @lavful @weekend-whip and any fic writer that wants to do this!!

-

1.How many works do you have on AO3?

4 of them!

2. What's your total AO3 wordcount?

23,088 as of now :D

3. What fandom(s) do you write for?

so far, only ninjago, but I might write for another fandom at some point? not sure but it's pretty much only ninjago that I write for

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

I only have four of em on AO3 (and one on here), but here we go:

The one I've known since I was I was only just a kid at 85 kudos

I'm not sick, I swear at 61 kudos

As the years pass by (the old version) at 23 kudos

Thank you for being a friend at 18 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments?

YES. I always get a bit too excited when I see them and I literally cherish every single one, so even if it's just a keysmash I always respond <33

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angiest ending?

with almost all of my fics ending on a fairly happy note so far, The one I've known since I was only just a kid easily sticks out like a sore thumb with it's ending lmao

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think it'd def be I'm not sick, I swear! it's basically the only actual fluff fic w/o angst I've published so far lmao

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I hope I never will, but I mean- there was that one comment on my old version of atypb where this person complained about the wait and how they've been waiting 'a year' so 💀I don't know if that counts as hate but it's annoying af

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

nope, nope, nope 🤺

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I don't! I'm not sure if I'm open to it, tho

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

thankfully no I haven't, and I really do hope not

12. What's the longest time you've spent working on a fic? And what's the shortest?

the longest one would definitely be the old version of atypb (the new ver which I hope to release soon will beat that tho I think), and the shortest would be I'm not sick, I swear! I literally wrote that fic in like almost 2 hrs or smth while I was struck with the cold myself lmao

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

nope! I do feel up to it tho tbh

14. What's your all time favourite ship? From all the fandoms?

...do I really have to choose? like rook said, this is an awful question for a multishipper lmao

since I can't decide, I think they'd be raincloud, lost and jaya!

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

that one lostshipping fic I wrote back in november or smth and never got back to it, I so badly wanna finish it but I can't :')) (although now that finals are done, I could try getting back to it)

16. What are your writing strengths?

shoot, uhhh Idk?? I think it's when it comes to describing smth I guess (so description basically)

17. What are your writing weaknessess?

honestly, I think it'd be dialogue, I don't know why I struggle with it often :') I am trying to get better tho!

edit: and while I haven't written any so far, I think fight scenes is also a weakness for me :') (well technically I did in the old version of atypb, but lets- lets just ignore that)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

*smacks google translate* this bad boy can fit so much translation in it (unless it's arabic w/ it being my language n all..arabic fus7a, however-)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

ninjago, obviously 😎

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I think it'd be definitely The one I've known since I was only just a kid!

-

[4uru]

My personal problems:

My clusterfuck of a rant (ft. Cassandra clare)

Buckle up besties bc im about to trauma dump. Like actual baby gay trauma.

(@faithfromanewperspective you wanted to know, i dont think i can freestyle angst on an ask like i can on a post so here it is)

Tw: incest, gender dysphoria, homophobic parents, sexual assault.

In our country you have to give a board exam (goverment??? Exam??? Similar to SATs) at the end of your 5 grade. So you need a primary school certificate (PSC)

After my PSC, my parents fixed up my Tablet. And went to work., i sat on my leaving room couch with blankets and pillows for a whole month (there was a dent on the couch when i actually got up for 6th grade) and i surfed the internet in those weeks.

I saw the malec video on yt ( i didnt click on it and didnt think much of it)

So my friend told me to watch anime. Somehow searching 'anime' on yt lead me to an anime 'Super lovers' (yaoi, pseudo incest, pedophilic and rapey everything under the sun you can find, its in super lovers) also i was like 11. 5 years old at this point. I have no concept of whats right or wrong. And bc of these animes (theres so much of it) i thought incest was fine. I also got into Todobaku and bakudeku. And thats part was fine i was mainly watching edits on yt. Then i started reading yaoi mangas and wattpad stories and gacha vids (And yes incest is still featuring on these stories for the most part)

Somewhere along the line, i was like, this feels weird (it was a particularity bad wattpad story with incest i think) i was already consuming gay content for months by then. (I still hadnt started 6th grade mind you.) and my standard for content increased a bit. And i stopped engaging with incest fics and mangas completely. After i distanced myself from it i realised how fucked that was and moved on from it.

But i still engaged with gay content. Somehow i stumbled upon the malec vid again. I watched it. (The first time im seeing live action gay ppl on screen) then i got into thai bl. ("Love by chance" was my first) the thai bl scene was a bit better. Around this time i read bl, watched bl and started to research about gay culture and what not. I figured out i was attracted to girls before i even went back to school

When i went back to school I became friends with a girl (lets call her bunny) I knew bunny since 5th grade but i didnt talked to her that year. she was smart and cool and i had a bit of crush on her from afar.

(5th grade before gay awakening) One time in my school bus while guessing one of my "friends" crushes i asked if he had a crush on bunny, he laughed, i "joked" if i was a boy, i would grow up to marry her. That 'friend' emptied his water bottle on my head as a response.

In 6th grade, the first week (maybe 2nd /3rd January), bunny and i got selected for a group project along with other friends. Me and another friend went to bunny's house for the project. The other friend left. After that friend left bunny and I started to unpack our traumas for each other. Family troubles and what not. I (being the dumb bitch i am) told her that i liked her (and also the water bottle thing) and that i liked girls too (at this point I identified as bi)

In class 6 and of fuckery happend, but me and bunny became bsfs so fast, with in a day. And we were inseparable. I asked her out and she laughed in my face. And we laughed about it years later too. 6th grade ends with her being made at me for smth i didnt even do wrong and some other shit with out toxicest friened. (We werent hanging out by the end of the year)

(Also i finished all off the percy jackson and percy jackson spin offs in 6th grade) and i also told my dad that i liked girls too. He conveniently forgot it for the nest year.

I come back for 7th grade knowing I was bi or pan (couldnt decide which i identified with the most) i start hanging out with a group of boys. Then covid happens.

Lockdown at the begining was fine (terrified but fine) around the second month of lockdown some genderfuckery started to happen. I would forget my own gender (round the time i was falling asleep or waking up). I started consuming for trans stuff around this time. And i journaled on my sketchbook with doodles and cried on it. I had terrible dysphoria. And i didnt even have a name for it in the begining. And one day the pain became too much and i broke in front of my mother. I came out to her. She ignored me. (Muslim parents) she said i was just a tomboy and "theres nothing wrong with me" and other stuff. I was sure i was trans. And non binary (trans tiktok helped with that bit).

My dysphoria became worse as time went on. Just before time of my birthday. My step mother bought me some books i asked for (queer books) and it had Chain of Gold She saw that it had just come out and thought i would like it. So i was reading chain of Gold. And i didnt get shit. I maybe read 100 pages before i decided that i needed context. I went on goggle and searched the best ways to read cassandra clare books in order and they said that Series wise is best. So i started City of bones (worse mistake of my life)

It was on yt so i started with it first. I already knew before starting that jace and clary werent related and incest might come up. (I didnt know it was that levels of fucked in the books) i just saw a pinterest meme where it was said rather jokingly.

Anyway i finished the whole part one and two of The mortal instruments. I read it for Malec bc they were the only gay characters. I have 101 problems with this series but my most major one was Malec. So at this point in my life i was a closeted trans, (multispec) queer kid Something about reading Queer characters tell each other horrible things about bejng closted and bisexual made me hate myself more. Malec didnt not develope my internalized homophobia, it definately fueled it tho. After my birthday i got grounded (my parents found out the queer content i was engaging with. It was very traumatic. I came out to them and my dad to my face said that i am not queer, instead i am fetishizing queerness and i was engaging in perversion.)

Alot happend many times my parents tried to distance me from queer culture and media but gave up.

As 7th grade ended me and bunny reconnected (shit also happend when my mother read our chats)

Around 8th grade i cried and begged to my mother that i am not going to change and all that jazz, she didnt say anything. But she became more on gaurd, she would analyze my interactions with other girls differently (one time while riding in her scooty, i was in the back said and waved to a girl that was starting at me for some reason) my mother told my dad that shes afraid im flirting with girls AS IM ON THE SCOOTER WITH HER-

In class 8 bunny pulled some shit (i explained it in another post i think) also i finally watched the shadowhunter series show malec healed the wounds that book malec anf my parents left. I was for the most part okay i think (academic studies were my biggest problem)

In class 9 around second half of the year i joined tumblr (helped my mental health immense, finding other gay ppl) and i asked for a book from my step mother (it was a bangla book about a trans girl) my dad delivered it to me. And said that he got that i wasnt going to change (BC LORD KNOWS THEY TRIED) he told me to study well so i could go live abroad bc this country will have me dead. I agreed and took the book (i couldnt finish the book, it was too dark for me at times, i gave the book to bunny).

Bunny and my relationship is vented about in another post. I wont get it.

So my problem with cassandra clare happens for three major personal reasons, one of them i didnt even mention bc i still feel weird about it.

1. The Malec part.

2. The incest part : reading TMI made me relive that first part where i engaged with incestuous content. And just disturbed me to my core this time around EVENTHOUGH I HAD A MILD HEADS UP i didnt know the extent of its fuckery. I dont know why but it just turnt the disgust at incest meter up the roof. Like completely fucked my brain and i wasnt okay. (I was 13/14 my birthday fell in the middle)

3. The sexual assault of Aline.

(Tw: my SA)

As a child (9/10 yrs old) i was assulted in an crowded elevator, my dad was in the elevator, i didnt not see the assulters face. I just remember being sqished against the wall, with a mans hand jammed between my legs. I rember trying to flatten myself against the wall to get away from the hand but it woulnt stop. The hand was knuckles deep between my thighs. I didnt see the mans face. I dont rememeber what he looked like from the back. After we got out i told my dad. He barely reacted and said 'people are assholes'. I told my mother about it.... Earlier This year. I thought if i had told her, she wouldnt let me hang out with dad anymore. He was so nonchalant about it that i thought i was over reacting.

Reading the Aline SA scene fucked me up. It was the first time i had come across an SA scene in a book, before that it was lightly mentioned. In the Aline scene, my mind visualised the whole thing. And it nearly drove me to a panic attack. I was 13 at this point. And in the books it was never brought up again, like it was no big deal. Like it was normal. It was for shock value. And i fell for it.

And the rest of the tsc is still bad writing and i hated it. But tmi fucked right up mentally and yeah. I have other posts explaining my journey with it, under the tag auru's tsc rant. Those explain it better.

[starsuncounted]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks for tagging me @bywayofmemory!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 82.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 128,198.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently, LOTR, Silmarillion, Narnia, and Timeless. I'd like to get back to writing Turn fics, though. I have a couple ideas for oneshots that have been rattling around in my brain.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

winter-touched, frost-bitten (Spinning Silver, T, Miryem/the Staryk Lord, 1.1k): A missing scene in which Miryem strikes a new bargain with the Staryk Lord.

As the Hare Flees Before the Wolf (Silmarillion, T, Eöl & Celegorm, 1.8k): Curufin is not the only son of Fëanor Eöl meets upon the plains of Himlad. Or, Eöl meets Celegorm while pursuing Aredhel and Maeglin, and things go very badly for him.

Here at Journey's End (LOTR, G, Frodo & Legolas, 1.6k): They stay for those they love.

West, West Away (LOTR, G, Sam & Thranduil, 3.6k): Sam meets an unlikely kindred spirit on the journey West.

and I will love with urgency, but not with haste (Silmarillion, T, Andreth/Aegnor, 3.1k): A summer evening spent in a glade near the shores of the Aeluin.

5. Do you respond to comments? Yep! It may take me a while, but I always do. The only exceptions are for cryptic comments that I don't understand and have no idea what to reply with.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Lol. Lmao, even. At least half of my fics are nothing but angst. So...*spins wheel* Let's go with darkness lies on the foaming waves between us (LOTR, G, Arwen & Celebrían & Elwing, 1k), in which Arwen shares the news of her choice with her mother.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I do actually have a couple fics that would qualify for this (shocking, I know), but I have a special place in my heart for And There Make a Garden (LOTR, G, Éowyn, <1k). Éowyn finally being happy and content is everything to me.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not since I returned to fandom in 2020 and started posting on AO3 (unless some of those aforementioned cryptic comments are badly worded hate). But I did get the occasional hateful comment back when I posted on FFN.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Occasionally and it's very vanilla.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Never written one.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Nope.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? I must be loyal to my thirteen-year-old self and say Faramir/Éowyn, my forever OTP.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I really would like to finish And Every Winter Turn to Spring (Turn, Anna/Hewlett), but I don't think I can rekindle the same enthusiasm I had for it during the height of my Turn fixation in 2020/2021. That, and I'm sure that if I were to pick it up again, I'd want to tear it apart and fix it up because it was one of the first fics I started writing after a years-long break from fic writing, and I'm certain I'd be embarrassed by parts of it now. And doing heavy editing like that feels overwhelming right now.

16. What are your writing strengths? Usually characterization and description, but I've been having trouble with my descriptions lately, and in a very strange twist, dialogue has—for the first time ever—been easier for me.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Plots. You will be getting no 100k+ longfics from me. Sorry. Oneshots or bust.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I only use other languages when writing Tolkien fic and do so sparingly and always with translations in the author notes. All phrases are yoinked from RealElvish.net because I can't be assed to put Elvish sentences together myself. Sorry JRRT.

19. First fandom you wrote for? LOTR. A couple of ancient fics that have never and will never see the light of day.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? It changes by the day, but I am very fond of On These Hither Shores (LOTR, G, Frodo & Boromir, 3.2k). It took a while to come together, but I'm so happy with how it turned out and that I finally achieved my goal of writing Frodo and Boromir getting to know each other before everything went to hell in a handbasket.

Tagging @tortoisesshells @boltlightning @aloveforjaneausten @dreamingthroughthenoise if you'd like to do this!

[novantinuum]

cw self harm + fictional character/personal musings under cut (SU edition)

just some stuff i wanted to get off my chest as i reflect on my journey to the Somewhat more stable person i'm doing my best to become. there's a little bit of fic mixed in here.

y'know, to this day, even though i (thank god) never personally dropped to the point of depression of ACTUALLY harming myself... i still think a lot about the whole fic i once had in mind about steven and self harm.

even though i never finished the rest of it, i actually posted the first part of it- a little character study on steven and depression, written pre Future- as its own one-shot. it's here.

this little piece is... one of the more unusual things i've written, stylistically. i don't often play around in second person. but like... for jen at the time... it was written in second person because these were thoughts i was myself actively battling. that cold, empty fog of just... eh. of complete apathy.

and there was a lot more of it, too- sitting half-written in my notes, as i hid in the back storage room of my job at the time and tried not to think about just how easy it would be to "accidentally" nick my finger with the box cutter, just to see what it'd feel like.

...steven discovering that the statick-y jabs of a stray destabilizer he finds bring him a rush of realism he hasn't experienced in a long while.

...steven accidentally nicking himself with his razor when he's shaving (i actually have a whole finished bit for this-)

You’re 16 years, 7 months, and 11 days old the first time you cut yourself. It’s an accident. Or at least, that’s the narrative you claim. You’re shaving the patchy hairs on your chin when it happens. Your hand slips, and you rake the razor across your skin. “Youch!” you hiss, flinching. The razor drops from your slackened grip and falls into the sink. Blood rises to the surface of the nick almost instantly, and with it, a rush of warm, grounding sensation you haven’t felt since the destabilizer stopped having any placating effect on you. A faint shiver wracks your body, your nerves tingling as your brain catches up with the fact that you’ve wounded yourself, that your delicate skin is broken and its cells need to arrange to send clotting agents to the site of impact. Thankfully though, you’ve got a better remedy for woes like these. You lick your finger, and dab a bit of spit on the tiny wound. The skin weaves back together in a flash, pink light sparkling around the area for a second. You stand at the mirror motionless for a long while after this, unable to stop thinking about the intoxicating rush of… of realism you finally experienced again. Of solid, corporal presence. You stare into your dark, void eyes with such laser sharp focus that you don’t notice you’re gripping your fists in a vice like grip until your fingernails pierce though skin. It stings, but you decide you don’t mind the pain this time. You forgo healing the crescent-shaped wounds. For now. At least, not until you leave the bathroom and face the world outside. Not until you have to. Sometimes you’re not sure you’re worth wasting your powers on anyways. - The very next day, driven by a nauseating mixture of obsession and shame, you go to the store and buy a small hobby knife and a set of blade refills. Something you could get away with hiding in your drawers under the socks you never wear, that would never be labeled as “missing,” something all your own. With your healing powers, you figure… it isn’t like any damage you sow to your body really matters. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re just… finding ways to cope with all these difficult feelings. Ways to feel alive again. Coping is normal. It’s fine. No one has to know.

...steven slipping into a whole habit of self harm and then healing to cover the damage, over and over, a desperate, indulgent impulse entirely unseen by the people around him. ___

i think a part of me at the time was almost... jealous of steven, as ridiculous as it may be to be jealous of an idea who doesn't exist. i was jealous at the thought that- with his self-healing ability- he could hurt himself and then fix it up lickity split with no one the wiser. there's such an unspoken shame to this aspect of depression... to how it impacts you physically. to the scars it leaves. to the sickly smell of your sweaty, oily body after days and days of not showering, not because you CHOOSE not to, but because you're literally unable to bring yourself to.

etc etc.

and so i was jealous of the idea of steven. the idea of someone who could feasibly HIDE all that. and i compressed that jealousy into second person fic. and writing that unposted fic quite possibly saved me from a world of pain. it gave me a much needed outlet in a time where i barely had an anchor to grab onto otherwise.

i think it says a lot that in those days- despite the fact that i had a whole intervention and hopeful ending planned for it- the only pieces of this fic i finished were the parts that was steven actively harming himself, or reflecting on the act of self-harm. back in that time, in the height of my own depression, in the days where i was writing such catharsis-less stories such as Shattering Atlas, it was really hard to imagine happy endings for my favorite characters because i was incapable of imagining a happy ending for myself.

i still struggle a lot with this.

but-

as i prepare to post the final chapter of my lil SUF one-shot anthology Second Skin tomorrow-

i realize that this is me, finally making good on my promise to give steven that happy ending. finally making good on working towards my own. and it may not be an ending for this unfinished second POV fic that i clung to in my days of darkest turmoil, but it's still the ending of an era. and i think it's a pretty good reminder, too.

a reminder that some stories just need time to simmer, time apart from your pen, time to sit in solitude until you're in the right mindset to truly dig into the heart of their themes.