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nerdygaymormon · 6 years

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I wish I could just fade away from existence. Just stop being. Life, I feel, is too hard at the moment. My church community hates me because Im trans and bi. My queer community can often be racist. My cultural/ethnic community often hate me because I’m queer (Im indigenous to my country and Italian). All these communities can be incredibly anti fat and anti disability of which I am both. It feels like no mater where I go people hate me just for being me. (1/2)

And then when I die I go to hell according to my bishop. I came out to my stake president because my dad told me to. He told me that I’ll most likely have to face disciplinary actions because the church doesn’t allow trans people (even though I haven’t done anything medically). I don’t understand why God made me like this if I’m so wrong? I’ve tried to change for years and I can’t, and now I can’t even be a member of my various communities. I just want to disappear into nothingness. (2/2)

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I hear you. I recognize the pain you’re feeling.

My initial reaction to reading this is “what a strong person.”

Other people have been beating you up. Your own thoughts have been against you to the point you don’t see good in yourself. Youcontacted me to say you don’t have any hope.

This is the opposite of giving up, this is saying that “staying alive is really hard, please give me something to help me fight, some hope I can use to stay alive.”

That’s strength and endurance!

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As your friend, I’m recommending you find a way to meet with a mental health expert.

Wishing you were dead is a form of suicide ideation. Therapy can help you with this. They can also diagnose if you’re depressed. Counseling can help with internalized transphobia/biphobia, with negative feelings & thoughts associated withyour disability.

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I want to address each of the statements you made because I want to counter the negative messages in them.

“My church community hates me because I’m trans and bi.”

There may be some at church who feel that way. I think the truth is your church community doesn’t know what to make of you. You don’t fit in their doctrine. Their doctrine needs to expand.

Another part of their doctrine is love. Their response should be to love you, even if they don’t understand.

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“My queer community can often be racist.”

This is true. And people like to dismiss that criticism by saying it’s just their preference.

I’m not sure where you live, but many countries have racism embedded in their culture, and then it seeps over into the queer community as well.

As much as queer people know what it’s like to be dismissed and rejected over something they didn’t choose, you’d think we’d be better at identifying with andembracing other groups who face discrimination rather than perpetuate it.

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“My cultural/ethnic community often hate me because I’m queer.”

Cultures like to tell stories about themselves and see themselvesportrayed in a particular way. People like to see themselves and theirancestors as heroic or noble.

Since straight people are the majority, it’stheir stories that get told. If they’re a minority group embedded in a larger culture, they cling to their myths all the more tightly.

I’ve been to Italy, there are gay clubs, even in little Verona where I stayed for a week. Cultures adapt and change and ex-pat communities often are frozen in how things were.

There is also a history of queer people among indigenous peoples but their stories are not the ones you hear.

If your cultural and ethnic communities hate you because you’re queer, either they don’t know their own history. or it’s time for them to be better and for their community to progress.

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“All these communities can be incredibly anti fat and anti disability.”

Agreed. That is true of the general society and it permeates down into the sub-cultures.

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“It feels like no matter where I go people hate me just for being me.”

I’m so sorry that this is your experience. One thing I can say is that as you get older and have more control over your decisions and life, you also get more control over who you associate with.

Queer people often have to build their own families and support networks because we don’t find what weneed in the communities that we’re a part of.

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“when I die I go to hell according to my bishop”

I don’t believe that. You shouldn’t either.

Your bishopis way off base. Even the notorious Elder Oaks says there’s a kingdom of glory waiting for you.

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“I’ll most likely face disciplinary actions because the church doesn’t allow trans people.”

I disagree.

I have access to the church handbooks for leaders. The only thing punishable about being trans is “elective transsexual surgery.” That’s it! Everything else is within bounds.

Your bishop or stake president may not like if you start wearing clothes that match thegender you identify with or ask people to call you by a new name or use the restroom that corresponds with your gender, but those are not actions that bring discipline.

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“I don’t understand why God made me like this if I’m so wrong?”

You think God sees you as wrong? I don’t.

You can get an assurance that God loves you quite separate from anything a bishop or anyone else in church may say. We like to say that we’re children of Heavenly Parents. Think of that. Do parents love their children? Even if they’re overweight? Even if they have a disability? Even if this or that? YES!

Why did God make you this way? I don’t know.

But I think of the story in John 9:2 when the disciples ask, “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?”

In verse 3 “Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.”

Jesus came to be a light to the world and this blind man was there to demonstrate it. We in the church, in the queer community, in society, have a lot to learn from your experience. You help us to see the light.

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I’m going to share something very personal with you. Last October I felt Igot a message from God. I want to share part of it with you.

“I sent you, and you agreed, to find my children who aretender and hurting. You are who I send to them. You are who affirms them and helps them with their hurting. Experiencing pain, rejection and disappointments prepared you for this. The need is so great and you have so much love to give.”

My pain, my sorrows, my years in the closet struggling to accept myself, that’s what prepared me to help others. My experience helped shape me to be kind, empathetic, gentle, affirming, and able to see when others arehurting.

I imagine like the blind man in the New Testament, you are going to be a tool to help others. Just by being you, others are forced to recognize their prejudices. They have to make a choice about how to treat you. You help them to be better people.

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I know it’s hard. I know it’s unfair. I know people want you to fit into a mold that doesn’t work for you. Trying to meet expectations of others in an attempt to fit in is a lot of work.

As you figure out what works for you, you have to draw boundaries. You have to choose to disassociate with certain people or communities. You have to look after yourself, and that includes cutting the toxic out of your life. You may not be able to do all of it now. Bit by bit your life will improve.

Charting your own path is work, but will be so rewarding.

You know why people value 4-leaf clovers? Because they’re rarer and different from the more common 3-leaf clover. You are a rare combination of traits. Just because some people can’t see the treasure you are, don’t give up on yourself.

In the movies, people who are different often aren’t treated well in the beginning of the film, but usually at the end they’re the ones who come and save the day. Maybe you’re a superhero in development!

#this is long because it's important #being different is difficult #queerstake

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