#i just get so sad when i see young bisexuals who are so confused bc EVERYONE is confused. for no reason

[spacedlexi]

.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Hollywood!AU -(Anne xFem!Reader)

A/N: Warning, this is LONG and ends up abruptly. I hope it was somehow near to what you were imagining! -Danny

Request: 🍇-Ik I'm late but I rly wanted to try this out. So the characters and me and a girl named 'angie' Anne. It's basically set in hollywood and they both are enemies, but they grow fond of each other over time and start dating. Paparazzi interfere and what not (i'm bored). Can you make it really angst and some smuts? (I'm a bi girl, btw) @nandos-hub-for-dumbasses​

Warnings: Mentions of smut and sad cuties

Twoidiots Masterlist

Okay so, you guys kinda grew up in the industry so you became “enemies” while being really young

And it was probably a silly fight, or maybe your parents put you against each other, or maybe you were always competing for the big parts on tv shows and movies

The point is that by the time you guys were seventeen you hated each other with a burning passion (as any seventeen-year-old does)

Then it happened: You were casted as best friends for an indie teen movie

You really wanted to refuse, but Ruby (your irl best friend) did her best to convince you against it

This could be your big break (and it was)

But only bc the chemistry you and Anne had on screen was ??? so wholesome and great???

You even made a sequel 

And then it became a trilogy, with your characters going to different schools by the time they graduate HS so it’s really cheesy and heartfelt

but Anne and you actually worked out your differences during the process and by the time you finish the third movie you both actually cry bc you won’t work together again??

You keep in touch but both of you have projects and things to do, until three years later when you both are invited to the Oscars and HOLY FUCK ANNE IS HOT NOW???

Like sure she was always beautiful, which was part of the reason why you kinda disliked her but omg right now you wouldn’t mind it if she kicked you in the face

Anne sees you and rushes over to hug you, the paparazzi are going WILD this is the reunion of the bffs from that movie everyone used to love!!

In the middle of the ceremony you even convinced THE Marilla Cuthbert (amazing actress) to switch seats with you so you can spend the rest of the night with Anne

The after party’s wild, everyone’s there. Funnily enough, you can’t recall most of the faces bc all you can remember of that night is 1-you ended up drunk as hell and 2-right before you two started drinking Anne had already made out with you in the bathroom

What came next was pretty much the best time of your life. Dates, nightcalls, instagram stories, suddenly a month turned into six, then nine...

As twenty-something-year-olds, you and Anne have tons of offers falling into your laps, Anne gets a call for a casting call and she gets the main role.

This main role happens to have a romantic interest. Who turns out will be played by none other than Gilbert John Blythe.

He’s been in the industry for like two, maybe three years. But the kid’s a charmer, he’s got brains and he’s beautiful. Everyone loves him. 

And everyone wants Anne to love him as well. 

You get tons of video recs on youtube titled “Anne and Gilbert in love for ten minutes straight” or “everytime Anne undresses Gilbert with her eyes”

It’s alright, you’ve seen this before, and you can’t blame them, they have an amazing chemistry in the show and it’s only natural that people wants that to be real

But god, the toxic fans are the worst, the comments about “imagine having to say goodbye to Gil only to go home and find Y/N there... disgusting”

You should stop reading those comments, really you should. They’re unhealthy, and these people don’t even know you

You manage to ignore most of it until the press releases the pictures: Anne and Gilbert walking out of some random restaurant in the city where they film the show... kissing.

Angry doesn’t even start to describe you rn. You’re seething, you’ve been humiliated, your twitter and your texts are both blowing up with notification. 

Anne calls you at least thirty times before she stops trying.

She finished season one and takes the first flight back to you, and it takes all of her courage, but she goes to your house as soon as she lands safely. 

Then two hours pass before you open the door. 

You were out with Ruby getting wasted, so when you get home you come face-to-face with Anne sitting on your driveway and crying her eyes out thinking you’re just ignoring her.

She sees you and she stands up, you try to escape and ignore her, you tell her you don’t wanna know, that she should move on and forget you bc she’s clearly happy with Gilbert

She says it took her by surprise, that Gilbert kissed her without her consent, but you don’t believe her.

But you’re also very drunk, and shit, you’d missed Anne so badly...

Her perfume somehow smells stronger than usual, and your eyes land on her pouty lips, you’re bitter, but you’re also desperate to feel her mouth on you.

You pull her in roughly for a kiss she was definitely not expecting, but her hands are quick to get all over you. Half an hour later, her fingers are in you.

You hate her, but you’re deeply in love, and you can’t remember where one ends and the other starts. You’re all feelings, and every single thought in your mind belongs to her.

it’s only when you’re completely sober, after the third -or was it the fourth?- round, that you decide to get it over with.

“Do you like him?” 

Anne’s falling asleep with her arm around you, but she tenses. She wants to say no, of course she doesn’t! Gilbert would never compare... Gilbert shouldn’t occupy a single though in her mind

Yet, she keeps thinking about his kiss, even though they ended up in really bad terms afterwards

“I love you. Isn’t that what you should care about?”

That’s not the answer you want, and both of you know she can’t give you a real answer, you know her so well by now, you can practically read her swirling thoughts, all confusing, undecided.

“I can’t be your partner for as long as you continue working with him. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to quit, I’m not asking you to... I’m tired of the hate in social media, of me being the one that somehow doesn’t belong next to you simply bc I’m not the popular heartthrob—” “I want you!”

“But I want to be happy.”

Add yourself to out taglist!

Forever Taglist.

@i-am-scared-and-useless-bisexual​ @just-here-to-escape-from-reality​ 

ANNE Taglist.

@ninizkd @http-itsrebecca​ @aleksosoto​ 

[beware-of-you-98]

Hello yes u are an amazing human being and I just read your angsty Em hcs and they made me feel pain and I would like to feel more pain so... I’ve come to request Emily childhood angst hcs? Your headcanons are adorable and also your Jemily at the cat cafe was adorable :)

I’m about to create an environment so angsty (also i decided to focus on her coming out/coming to terms with being gay rather than focus on her childhood in general since i already had some hcs about it!! n this is au as hell bc i don’t care about canon x)

note: whoops this got long and angsty and way past emily’s childhood oops

tw: drug use, homophobia, abortion mention, drinking, smoking (ye i still don’t know if i should put a tw for that but i do anyway 🤷‍♀️)... yeah the first half of this isn’t happy at all

emily knows from a really young age she’s different

since she’s homeschooled up until she’s 12, her only other interaction with people is with nannies and the teachers the ambassador hires

but her only other interaction to the outside world is through story books

all the princesses in her story books want to be rescued by handsome knights or princes

emily always wants to be the one to rescue the pretty princesses

her nannies buy her disney princess merch and disney movies

emily’s favorite princess is belle or jasmine bc they’re so pretty 🥺

she doesn’t think anything is wrong with it until she’s talking with her nanny about how pretty jasmine is and her nanny’s only response is a short “oh”

emily doesn’t know why, but the way she says it makes her feel guilty and so she stops talking about jasmine

and when the nanny starts to talk about aladin, she barely pays attention

(she thinks jasmine deserves better than him anyway— aladin lies to her right away and how is that supposed to be true love?)

emily keeps her thoughts about girls to herself after that day

and compartmentalizes those feelings because she hates the guilt associated with them

it’s not until she’s enrolled in the all girl’s boarding school that the feelings come back and it’s almost too hard to ignore

every other girl talks about their boyfriend or guys

emily never feels the need to talk about guys; they hold no appeal to her

(she talks about guys once or twice to try and fit in, but her stomach always flips in unpleasant ways and she always feels bad because she knows she’s lying to the other girls and herself)

her heart doesn’t flutter around boys and they don’t make her feel anything

audrey from her chemistry class makes her heart skip a beat and butterflies to erupt in her stomach

her hair is soft, her laugh is so cute and everytime she gives emily a hug, she can’t help but melt in her arms

when she kisses emily in the woods behind the school, lips tasting of strawberry chapstick, it’s as if things suddenly make sense

kissing audrey makes emily feel like she’s finally found a part of herself she didn’t even know was there and it’s glorious

when the ambassador drags her off to rome, emily snaps

she goes off the deep end because, after all the years she’s been crying for her mother’s attention, it’s kissing audrey that makes her finally pay emily any attention?????

the school emily’s enrolled in is co-ed and she immediately clings to the first group to pay her any attention

she becomes a hardcore partier

she skips class

she smokes

does drugs (weed and on the occasion, ecstasy, but once her friends convince her to do a line of coke)

(she hates the way it makes her nose run so she doesn’t do it again)

drinks and gets blackout drunk every single chance she gets

the ambassador is a lot more present at this point in her life and emily starts fights with her every night

she doesn’t even know what she’s doing anymore

her life is spiraling and she feels hopeless

and when anyone, anyone, shows her any attention, she throws herself at them

she sleeps with one of her male friends once and ends up pregnant and suddenly her life comes to a screeching halt

she’s terrified and keeps it hidden from her mother

matthew is her saving grace and never judges her once

he even holds her hand when she gets the abortion

afterwards, it’s just the two of them

matthew has to sneak out to see her because his parents loathe emily, but he manages to do it

they always go to the local park and split a joint, a cigarette or a bottle of booze between the two of them and sit in silence

emily breaks down to him one night and tells him she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her

she feels so lost and doesn’t even recognize herself anymore

matthew holds her as she cries, silently comforting her

and when she asks him what she should do, he just simply suggests that she live her life for herself and stop trying to please everyone around her

“if you’re not happy living a life trying to please other people, try living for yourself”

while the advice might be cliché, emily swears its the best she’s ever got

she works her ass off the rest of her he years (i forgot what it’s called over seas oops) not bc the ambassador wants her to, but bc emily wants to do better for herself

when the ambassador moves her back over seas, she get accepted into yale

she doesn’t label herself in college and she’s comfortable with that

she only has like one boyfriend at the start of her freshman year

but she wasn’t feeling it, so she breaks up with him and starts to date her roommate

n then she goes steady with fiona duncan for the remainder of the time she’s in college

she immediately enrolls in the fbi academy when she graduates bc she doesn’t want to do politics

as soon as she’s certified, she’s assigned the undercover position as lauren reynolds

she doesn’t like to think about those years bc they’re just as confusing as her teenage years

she likes to separate herself from lauren as much as possible bc she feels as if lauren is the embodiment of the past she wants so desperately to leave behind

she barely looks back once she’s done with the undercover mission

she spends a few years finding jobs to keep herself busy

then she joins the bau

its the first time in a while she’s around people she genuinely enjoys spending time with

she’s comfortable with the team within a few months of joining

it’s here when she officially starts to label herself as a lesbian!!

(it feels so right to say she’s a lesbian— it sounds great coming from her mouth and it makes her feel warm and whole)

she kinda keeps it hidden at first but also kinda doesn’t

no one really asks until they’re all hanging out at te bar and penelope points to a group of guys and asks her which one she thinks is cuter

emily just shrugs and gestures to the female bartender

penelope and derek take her to gay bars a lot!!

and after some persuasion, jj and reid tag along

emily notices how jj kinda stays behind at their table instead of interacting with people and is like ???

but then she notices the longing gaze and the same sad expression on the blonde’s face as she watches everyone confidently mingling around and just... knows

when she drives jj back to her apartment later that night (they carpooled), emily finally asks jj what’s wrong

and jj just goes “do you ever feel like there’s a part of you that’s been hidden so long and all you want to do is just... let it out? but you’re too scared of what others might think and that you’ll lose so many people because they can’t accept who you are? but you don’t want to live that life anymore because you’re not happy and you just... don’t know what to do?”

it sounds like rambling

but emily’s heart goes out to jj because she knows exactly how that feels

emily tells jj the same thing matthew told her all those years ago— “if you’re not happy living the life others want you to, why don’t you start living for yourself”

jj just whispers “is that what you did? wasn’t it scary?”

emily tells her of course it was!! but she had a really good friend by her side to help make it less scary and that she’ll 100% be that person for jj if she wants her to

jj comes up to her a few weeks later in private and comes out as bisexual

she’s trembling and she’s nervous but emily just beams and tells her how proud she is of her

a few years later, they’re gfs bc i said so

n emily’s finally happy!!

she has people aroun her that finally love and accept her for being herself

and that’s all she ever wanted

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[derryhawkins]

Puppy Love

summary: Right after she breaks up with her abusive boyfriend, Beverly house and dog sits for her two good friends while they’re gone for a month. During this time she has to take the dog to the vet because of a terrible limp, and there she meets the one and only Ben Hanscom – a sweetheart with a pure soul and kind eyes. Untrusting of men other than her three best friends, Beverly believes she’ll never find someone to trust and be with for the rest of her life. But as time goes on, and as she becomes friends with Ben, that belief gradually changes. word count: 5.7k warnings: mentions of abuse (i don’t go into detail); there’s also a bit where she has a panic attack but i don’t go into to much detail there either a/n: hello i meant to post this earlier but i got anxious and then i needed to focus on school bc of a paper and today tumblr is being a bitch, so. sorry lmao. hope you enjoy this tho!! ignore any typos and/or spelling mistakes 

AO3 link

chapter one: bad limp

Beverly Marsh doesn’t trust men – most of them, at least. The only men she does trust are her good friends: Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak, and Mike Hanlon.

She and Richie had grown up across the street from one another, and he was the only kid who adamantly stuck by her side through the hells of elementary, middle, and high school in their small town of Derry, Maine. They were both the outcasts there from the get go. A kid who was too talkative for his own good, a boy who came out proudly bisexual in middle school, a teen who couldn’t sit still for the life of him; paired with a kid who had bruises on her body everyday, a girl who learned men looked at her wrong at too young of an age, a teen who got slut shamed for very untrue rumors. Then college came, and the two hauled ass to New York City to go to college, sharing a shitty one bedroom apartment and working hellish hours to scrape by. They didn’t go to the same university, though; Richie went to NYU for four years in drama and then went a different route of standup comedy while Beverly went to a smaller college to get a cosmetology degree.

Those years, they met Eddie Kaspbrak and Mike Hanlon. Eddie was at the same college Beverly went to on way to become a Science teacher, and they both worked at a crappy coffee place. They got along extremely well and after a while she introduced him to Richie, the two beginning their marriage-like bickering instantly. It was no surprise to Beverly when they got together in their second year of college. The feisty young man complemented their duo extremely well from the get-go, officially making them into an inseparable trio in no time. Then comes in Mike Hanlon, a sweet boy who grew up on a farm and who was on his way to become the best veterinarian known to man. ("I'm not gonna be the best one, guys, chill." - "Well, we think you will be.") He was Eddie’s room mate and about the time Eddie and Richie started dating was when Mike got pulled in, making their group an even four. Beverly had been hesitant at the time. Her father and every man back home made her wary of how men and boys would be towards her, her own boyfriend no help to that thought process at all, but Mike was quick to prove her wrong. He didn’t stare at her as if she were a piece of meat – hell, he still doesn’t, and neither do the other two (for obvious reasons) – and he’s never anything but gentle.

And then there’s Tom.

How she ended up with a nearly carbon copy of her father as a boyfriend during college is beyond her. He looked harmless back then, Bev remembers; he charmed her way into her life, making her believe everything was fine, but then slowly started manipulating different situations and raising his hand at her and verbally threatening her. She should’ve gotten out of it sooner but something kept her there with the asshole; something kept her from telling her friends, coming up with lame excuses as to why another bruise had formed on her wrist.

Fast forward some years. The even four graduated – Tom, too – and Richie beings to work his ass off to get gigs and all for his stand up comedy career that hopefully won't flop, and Eddie’s searching for assistant teaching jobs, and Beverly is working at really nice hair salon that pays well, and Mike is in Veterinary School. And she’s still with Tom; her friends are starting to catch on, if they hadn’t before. A few more years down the line, Richie gets a big break (okay not that big, but it's a break nonetheless), and somehow becomes extremely popular among the teens after his tweet about his cute but angry chihuahua like boyfriend. Eddie has been an assistant teacher for a couple years now and getting ready to become just a regular teacher; and Mike’s out of Veterinary School, and Bev’s opening up her own salon after a two year business program at a community college. She’s still dating Tom.

Until she’s not. At 26, Beverly has had enough. After nearly seven or eight years of something she grew up enough with because of her father, she gains the courage to finally stand up again to her another abusive man in her life. The other three finally knew the entire truth and with their help and pep talks and comforting words and hugs, Beverly stands up for herself. She dumps Tom. A fight ensues. She acquired a few new bruises and he expects her still in their shared apartment when he comes home from work. But when he’s gone, through tears and cries, she packs up everything. Literally everything. And then she’s getting in the crappy Honda she’s had since her first year in college with all of her belongings and driving to Richie’s and Eddie’s house just a little bit away. They aren't there, though. Richie is on a mini tour for a month and to because it was the summer and to celebrate the fact someone hired him as an actual teacher for the upcoming school year, Eddie tagged along.

Beverly doesn’t trust men, and the full reason why hits her like a train as she sits in her best friend’s and his boyfriend’s home, alone and honestly a bit scared. It makes her sad thinking over how much she loves and trusts three guys with her life, but two harmful men and the disgusting, predatory looks from other men out weighs her best friends’ good intentions. As she sits there, suitcases haphazardly pushed into the living room and body sore, she wonders if she should go to the doctor. It’s only a few bruises and a busted lip, though. Eddie, if he knew, would be fussing over her and dragging her out of the house in an instant to get her checked on from worry – the opposite of what his mother did constantly to him as a child.

The redhead chuckles at the thought of the Kaspbrak fretting over her, but then a few tears are leaving her eyes and suddenly she’s crying again, and wanting to call one of her boys, but she can’t. She doesn’t want to. Not yet, anyway. Richie’s having too much fun, Eddie’s enjoying his break, Mike is already working, having a good time while doing so. They didn’t need to worry over her while they’re living their lives to the fullest.

A bark interrupts her thought process and she blinks, confused for a split second until she remembers Sid. A black lab with too much energy for her own good, just a little over a year old. Richie and Eddie had gotten Sid when she was four months old. They almost didn’t get her all because they weren't sure how often they'd get to spend with the puppy. Both are home more often than they thought, though still both of their jobs restrain them from spending the amount of time they want with the puppy - less often than they first thought, though. Thankfully, both Mike and Bev are available more often than not, Bev the most. They help take care of Sid when the couple can’t, which honestly isn't that much, and the adorable dog has somehow formed into everyone’s pet over time with how often they're all at the Tozier-Kaspbrak house.

Bev wipes under her eyes and cheeks, wincing at her palm pushes into the bruise on her cheek too hard, and makes her way through the house to the back door. She peers outside to the fenced backyard and sees Sid near the back, tail up and ears perked; on high alert. The dog probably heard something she didn't like, or maybe saw a squirrel. Beverly opens the door after she unlocks it, and one hand rests on the door frame.

“Sid!” She shouts to get the dogs attention. “C’mere, girl!” Sid yaps and runs to Beverly instantly, and the woman’s laughing a bit as she crouches down, the dog attacking her with licks. Beverly pets the dog in return and moves to sit on her butt. “Hey, girl. You missed me, huh? I was just here yesterday, though, before your dads left. You miss them, too? Hm, I bet. I do. Yeah, I do, and they miss you, no doubt about it. C’mon, hey- oof, let me stand up, girl. Sid- Okay, thank you. Hey, can you sit? I’ll give you treat! Good girl, let me take a picture.”

Beverly snaps a picture of Sid, the black lab’s tongue hanging out the side of her mouth as she pants, floppy ears forward and dark eyes wide. She quickly sends the picture to Eddie, paired with a text of heart and dog emojis and ‘she misses u!’. She then ushers Sid inside, brows furrowing when she thinks she sees the dog limping, but it was hard to tell. She quickly finds the dog treats in the kitchen pantry, and feeds Sid one right as she gets a reply from her friend.

[from: coffee buddy 11:49 am MNFK SHES SO CUTESJDK I MISS HER TOO GIVE HER LOVE SOME LOVE FOR US]

[to: coffee buddy 11:50 am i'll be sure to give her all the love dw ur pretty lil head]

[from: dipshit 11:52 am SID!!!!!!! THE CUTEST!!!!!!!!!! THANK U FOR UR SERVICE BEV]

[to: dipshit 11:52 am mwah ur welcome rich x]

She smiles at their reactions. It's cute and something she's seen a thousand times throughout the year they've had Sid. One time, she had watched and listened to Richie gush over Sid sleeping with her head in Eddie's lap, his boyfriend drifting off to sleep as well. Unfortunately, that memory ends with Tom calling her and demanding her home for the night, cutting the friends' fun night together short.

Beverly finds herself frowning at the memory and doesn't bother to keep track of Sid as she wanders throughout the house. The young woman stays in the kitchen, her mood coming back down. She brushes stands of her long hair out of her face, her features scrunching up in disgust. She hates it long. Hates the way it gets the way and how she always has to do something with it, always having to get tangles out at the ends. Tom loves her long hair though, and after some persuasion back in college, Beverly grew it out again and kept it at the same mid-back length. Her stomach churns with the realization her father liked her hair long, too. It was the reason she chopped it all off in the first place. Self-hate settles in her, and she can feel the tears coming back as she leans against the counter when her phone starts ringing again. She jumps. The irrational part of her brain is telling her that the caller is Tom, that he somehow found out that she left home while at work, and he's coming over to drag her back. The other part - the rational part - knows that can't be it.

With shaky hands, she pulls her phone back out. Relief floods through her at seeing the familiar number of one of her clients. She sighs and presses the green dot on the screen before putting it on speaker. It was Audra Phillips, a wonderful woman around her age that started coming to Beverly's own salon the moment it opened, always complimenting Bev's work and saying how the redhead should be a renowned stylist for hair, makeup and clothes. "Hi, Audra," she greets, hoping her voice doesn't give off the fact that she had been close to crying.

"Beverly, hi!" Audra greets, happy. If she can tell something is up, she doesn't say anything. "I was just wondering if we're still on for one today? It's just- I'm busy these next couple days and there's a court case Friday, and I really don't want to look like shit. The split ends are bad. And it's my first one, y'know?"

"Of course, yeah," Beverly does her best to sound up beat. "I was actually just about to leave to get everything ready." It's a lie, but the other woman doesn't need to know that. Until Audra called, Beverly's mind had completely pushed away her one o'clock appointment, too engrossed into the early morning fight with Tom and her leaving without his knowledge.

"Wonderful! You are a life saver, Marsh, I fucking love you."

A genuine smile reaches her lips. "It's truly no problem, Audra. I'll see you at one."

They hang up, and Beverly goes to the bathroom after fishing her makeup bag from one of her suitcases. She stares at herself, taken back by the appearance. The bruise on her cheek is worse than she thought, and she had dried blood she didn't know about on her chin from the cut on her lip. Her striking blue eyes are bloodshot and rimmed red from crying on and off throughout the morning, and her bright red hair was a bird's nest. She is a complete and utter mess, and she has no idea how to make it seem like she isn't. But she does her best for the next ten minutes; she covers up the bruise with ease, and does her make up to where the only indication of her crying are the bloodshot eyes. She tames her hair to the best of her ability and just throws it into a ponytail. She keeps what she's already wearing on - a tee from Disney World that she got a some years back when she and her three friends were all free of school - with light skinny jeans and converse. Then, she puts Sid back outside in the backyard, grabs her keys, makes sure the doors are all locks and that the lights are off, and finally leaves.

+++

"-and I've always wanted to start a fashion line. Or do something with fashion, and make up too, which is why I started that- that...what's the word? Oh, well, that thing where people can make appointments for getting their makeup and hair done for dates, or prom, or whatever - oh, a bundle! The two in one. Gosh, I'm the owner and can't even fucking remember these things correctly," Beverly says, wincing as she remembers that she's talking to a customer. "Sorry for my language."

Audra chuckles from where she sits directly in front of Beverly, the woman behind her snipping away at her now wet hair. "You know I don't care about your language, Bev, keep on with it. And don't down talk yourself, sweetie, everyone forgets things."

They meet eyes in the mirror and share a smile. Audra has been at the salon for some time now. Beverly washed the other woman's hair before actually starting to cut it, per Audra's request. During that time they had conversed about a million and one things, leaving one conversation to go to another only to jump back to a topic that had long since been forgotten when one of them remembered something else. It was nice, Beverly had to admit. It was getting her mind off of that morning.

"Would you add fashion if you could? To the bundle - making a three in one deal."

Beverly's brows knit together as she thinks about it. Then, "Most likely. I think it would be hard to do, though. I don't think fashion is one of my strong suits, and... I dunno, the makeup deal probably won't last too much longer and I doubt the fashion thing would, either."

Audra snorts with a roll of her eyes. "You are one of the most talented women I know with all of this," she tells Beverly, hands moving under the cape. "I've never been disappointed once, and the make up you do for the prom and special events are fucking fantastic! Your fashion sense is off the charts when you dress up; hell, even when you dress down. You have the potential to do all three, Bev. What's holding you back?" The question is quieter, filled with so much care; and her other words are full of sincerity. It has Beverly faltering her movements.

She licks her lips. She knows what's holding her back. "Tom," she says simply as she quickly goes back to doing Audra's hair, and she hopes it doesn't sound as bitter and fearful as it felt. "He's always been supportive of this - of the hair salon - but he's always...apprehensive about the makeup. And then about the fashion, he's just so against it."

"What do men know?" Audra asks. "And what does Tom even do?"

"He works at some small business. A financial analysis."

"He's just jealous. Scared, maybe, of you turning out better than him. God, men are so...ugh."

"There are a few decent ones out there," Beverly says, thinking of her friends. A large smile tugs at her lips. "My best friends. Richie's annoying as all fuck, but he's genuinely caring when he wants to be. Usually to his boyfriend, and me. We grew up together, so we're basically siblings. Then there's Eddie - Richie's boyfriend. A damn firecracker. A bit crazy. A mother hen, at times. Oh, and Mike! He's probably the most genuine, nice guy I know. He's over six feet, and Rich calls him a gentle giant. I'd call him the perfect guy, but he loves pranks, and he and Rich get into a prank war three times a year and they drag Eddie and me into them too. They're not perfect - not by a long shot - but they're the most decent guys I know. I doubt there's any 'perfect guy'."

Audra's quiet for a moment. "I'm surprised you didn't put Tom in there."

Beverly's jaw clenches for a moment. "Why would I put my ex in a list of good men?" She says in a casual way and hopes that it doesn't cause dramatic reactions from those around her. It does. Her regulars and few employees know of her and Tom. It was clear no one likes him, and Bev knows that maybe they figured out something had been wrong about the relationship, but she always painted Tom as a good guy to others despite the bruises littering her skin and his harsh words towards her even in public. Audra's jaw drops and Beverly stops snipping the hair and moved her arms to her sides just in time as Audra turned around, and she sets the scissors on a flat surface. A gasp is heard across the building, and Bev turns her head to see her good friend and employee, Kay McCall, standing a few chairs away, getting ready for another customer.

"Did he dump you?" Audra asks, almost sounding hesitant to do so.

Beverly looked back at her, and then at Kay who is walking over at the speed of lightning. "I... Actually, I dumped him," she says slowly. "This morning." It almost feels wrong telling the girls first instead of her best friends first, but there's a sense of relief that comes with telling someone and Bev figures that the boys won't mind.

Kay squeals and pulls Beverly into a tight hug. "Oh, my god, I thought you'd never get rid of that ass!" She pauses and pulls away, keeping her hands on her friend's shoulders. A serious yet excited expression sits on her face. "I know it's no surprise I don't like him, okay, I'm sorry. I know you loved him too but, babe, that boy was a total whack job! He gave me the fucking creeps!"

Audra is nodding along. "I wanted to say something, but we're not that close, y'know? And I didn't wanna piss you off accidentally."

"I honestly thought you were gonna end up marrying him. It was, like, my worst fear the longest time," Kay admits. Her hands finally leave Beverly's shoulders.

"Mine too." Beverly takes in their looks, and she wants to take the words back but it's too late. She doesn't want to tell them what he's done, it's too early and too fresh to tell someone out right, so she doesn't. "I stopped loving him, is all," she lies. But, it's not really a lie. "I felt obligated to stay in the relationship, I guess. Probably a bit scared, too, because we've been together since the end of my second year of college. I finally just ripped off the band-aid this morning."

Audra smiles softly. "Long ones are the hardest to end."

Kay nods in agreement. "Yeah. Hey, I've got a pullout at my apartment if you need a place to stay. I know you two were living together."

Beverly shakes her head. "Thanks, but I'm good for now. Rich and Eddie are out of the city for a month, and I'm already visiting there to dog sit. Might as well house sit, too. I'll call if I decide to take you up on that offer, though."

They share a few more words - not much at all, though - and soon Beverly is back to Audra's hair, and Kay is walking up front where a new customer is stepping in. She licks lips, feeling how chapped they are, and her nose scrunches the slightest bit as her tongue went over the cut. She had forgotten about it, and at remembering it she is grateful that neither Audra nor Kay asked about it. She doesn't know what she would have come up with if they did.

+++

The rest of the day consisted of Beverly having a few more customers, going to the grocery store because she knows for a fact that Richie and Eddie have zero food at their house, walking around fearful, and finally getting to the Tozier-Kaspbrak residence with the sun completely gone because apparently shopping and driving takes a lot longer than she realizes. She keeps the doors locked and lets Sid roam around as she puts up the groceries - she was right, they had no food - and later feeds Sid, noticing that the limp she thought she saw that morning is, in fact, a limp and it looked the slightest bit worse. After dinner, and after letting Sid outside for a few minutes to use the bathroom, Beverly's phone starts to ring and ring, and ping continuously, messages and missed calls from Tom keeping the device occupied. She waits, but the messages and calls come in nearly every second. Every minute. She wants to call someone - Mike, Richie, Kay, Eddie, anyone but Tom - but she can't pick up the phone, because that means looking at her messages. She knows it's not going to happen, but that doesn't stop her from feeling as if even if she touched the phone Tom would find out where she is like some telepathic demon from Hell.

It's not until she's hearing her own wheezing when it dawns on her that she's having a panic attack over the stupid fucking calls and text messages, curling in on herself against one of the kitchen walls, cheeks wet and make up smudged because of her tears. She hasn't had one in years, not since her first year in college, which is a surprise in and of itself given who she's been dating. Her mind struggles to grasp at what to do - its been eight years - but once she remembers, Beverly does her best to do it. It takes time, much longer than she would like to admit, but she soon calms down. Her hands stop shaking, and her cheeks are starting to dry, and her phone is silent too. Sid is laying a few feet away, staring. Worried. Beverly sniffles. Shakily, she stands and the young dog moves her head up in a flash, eyes trained on Beverly as the young woman moves across the kitchen. Sid then quickly gets up and limps to where she's right beside Bev.

Her eyes squeeze shut as she unlocks her phone to avoid looking at the missed calls and unread texts, and it makes her want to throw up as she does it but she blocks Tom's number, erases the messages and makes the missed calls notifications go away.

Then, she's going to bed in the guest room, exhausted. Sid is at her feet in the bed when she's supposed to be in her bog bed and kennel, but Beverly doesn't care. Rich and Eddie don't have to know, anyway. She's too relaxed. She feels too safe with Sid there. So, she lets Sid stay there, eventually falling asleep.

+++

It's halfway through the morning when Beverly notices Sid is heavily favoring her right front leg as she plays without a care in the world in the backyard. It concerns her, worries her, so she calls the nearest vet and places an appointment at two - and coincidentally, it's the one Mike works at. She doesn't call her two best friends yet, not wanting to worry them in case nothing is wrong. She doesn't go into work. She doesn't want to, simply put, so she doesn't. She's the owner, anyway, and goes in whenever she pleases; the fact that she had no one specifically ask for her on that day was another reason Bev doesn't go in, and she knows the employees can handle themselves. She takes a nice, warm, long shower and brings Sid inside around noon. Then she has lunch, and as the time for Sid's appointment rolls closer, she changes into Nike shorts and the same t-shirt she wore the day before, uncaring of who saw her in it yesterday. She's still emotionally drained from the night before, so it surprises her that she didn't walk out in sweats and a hole-y shirt.

The drive to the vet is fine. Sid stays in the backseat, constantly moving into different positions and standing to look between the front seats, even though her front leg is probably hurting her. Upon reaching the vet clinic, the hope of seeing Mike rises, and she gets out with Sid quickly, locking her car, and then goes inside. It’s not long at all until she’s sitting in one of the back rooms waiting for someone to come in and check on Sid. Not too soon later, the door is opening and she’s hoping it’s Mike, but it’s not. She tries not to look too disappointed, though it wasn’t hard at all given as the guy who walks in is attractive.

She blinks, taking in the dirty blond hair and soft brown eyes; he’s tall, too – about Richie’s or Mike’s height – and at first Beverly, admittedly, tensed up. Here’s a guy who she doesn’t know and therefore doesn’t trust, and her first thought is that he’s going to say something her. To try and flirt. To seem as if he’s this perfect dude trying to win Bev over for a hookup. But then he’s giving her a warm smile before crouching down to Sid who’s jumping in excited at seeing a new person, and she suddenly feels bad for jumping to conclusions.

“Hey,” the guy laughs as Sid licks his face. “You’re a friendly one, aren’t you? Who’ve we got here today?” He’s then looking at Bev and standing up.

Beverly twists the leash in her hands. “That’s Sid. Um, she has a bad limp, and I just got worried.”

He nods and looks back down to the dog, who’s now laying on the floor at his feet, panting as she stares up at him. “Yeah, I noticed it when I walked in. It’s pretty significant. If you don’t mind, I’ll take her to weigh her out there. We’ll be right back.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine, do what you gotta do,” she says. “I’ve never been to a vet before. Sid’s not mine, she’s my friend’s. I’m just dog sitting while he and his boyfriend are outta town. I figured I should bring her myself in case something is actually seriously wrong.”

He smiles as he slips the vet’s leash on Sid with ease, and unclasps the other off of her collar. “That's nice of you to do.”

“I'd do anything for my friends.” Beverly sets the leash in her lap, giving a tiny smile. “She pulls a lot, by the way. Just a warning,” she tells the man.

He nods. “It’s fine. Be back in a jiff,” he tells her and then he’s out of the room with Sid, the dog excitedly walking and pulling. Beverly chuckles and leans back in the chair, blue eyes looking at the framed picture on the wall. It’s an illustration of different types of dogs and their names and where they originally came from.

She’s about to stand up to get a better look when the guy and Sid come back in. He walks the dog to her and lets her reattach the leash before removing the vet’s leash. “How much does she weigh?” Bev asks, curious, frowning at how Sid is favoring her leg.

“Thirty pounds,” he says.

“That’s good, right?”

He nods. “Yes, it is. Female labs usually get up to between twenty-five and thirty-two.”

Bev smiles and pets Sid. “Well, you’re a healthy girl, huh? Other than your leg.” She looks up at the guy, and he’s already looking at her with an expression she can’t read. Its similar to the one Richie gives her once in a while when he’s in a particularly loving mood towards everyone; but there’s something about this guy’s expression that’s so different from it at the same time. There’s no lust, no want, no desire. Almost admiration, if she has to label it. It’s a look she’s not used to, to say the least, and she has to look away and back down to Sid. “So, are you going to check her out, or is there some big shot vet doc that has to come in?” She asks. “Dr. Doolittle, maybe?”

He seems to jolt back into reality at the question, and if Bev were to look up she would see his cheeks reddening. “Huh- oh, yeah. I’m just- just an intern here, trying to get my foot in the door before I finally become a veterinarian myself. No Dr. Doolittle, though.”

Beverly chuckles and looks up. “Shame. I’d pay some real money to have Dr. Doolittle here.”

He smiles, still blushing a little. “I’d pay to be Dr. Doolittle.” Then, “I’ll go get the ‘big shot vet doc’.” He uses air quotes as he uses the words Beverly had said moments before, chuckling lightly as she rolls her eyes with no malice behind the action.

“Alright. Oh- hey, uh,” she hesitates, “I’m Beverly Marsh, by the way. I should’ve introduced myself sooner. Sorry.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m Ben Hanscom. I’ll be right back with the doctor, Beverly.”

As he leaves, she can’t help but feel a bit embarrassed about just introducing herself like that so abruptly, but she pushes the feeling away. A few minutes later, the guy – Ben, and she can’t help but think how well the name suits him – walks in with the doctor. They check on Sid, have her walk around for a few seconds, and then the doctor is explaining that nothing seems wrong.

“There isn’t any swelling or cuts or broken bones, so it’s probably just a bad sprain. Nothing too bad, thankfully, but you’ll have to restrict how much she plays for it to get better. I’ll prescribe her some pain medication that you’ll give her once a day for seven days. If it’s not better by this day next week, I suggest bringing her back. It’ll most likely require surgery if that’s the case.”

Beverly nods along to the words and takes the information in, planning on calling Richie once she leaves to explain everything to him. After that, both the doctor and Ben are leaving again, Ben coming back five minutes later with a small, blue pill bottle.

“Give her one forth of these everyday, and it should help,” Ben tells her as he hands the bottle to her. “I hope she gets better. She’s such a sweetheart.”

Beverly stands and holds the pill bottle with one hand, and Sid’s leash with the other. “Me too. Thank you, by the way.”

He sheepishly smiles and shrugs. “I barely did a thing. It’s all the doctor.”

She chuckles. “Well, thank her too for me. Hey, do you know a Mike Hanlon?”

He nods quickly. “Yeah, he’s another intern for one of the other doctors here.”

“Is he here?”

“Yeah. But he’s helping with a surgery on a sick cat. Why?”

She shrugs. “He’s one of my friends. I was expecting to see him, is all.”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

Beverly frowns but then smiles, shaking her head as she gets ready to leave. “You’re not a disappointment, Ben. You seem like a cool guy, and it was nice meeting you.”

He’s then giving her another warm smile, and he’s blushing again. “Thanks. It was nice to meet you, too. And Sid, of course.”

Beverly then says a bye with a smile of her own and she walks out of the back room, and to the front. She pays, not minding having to, and walks out with her phone pressed to ear as she calls Richie, explaining what’s wrong and what’s happening with Sid as she drives home. She doesn’t mention the breakup or Ben just yet. She doesn’t want to think about either too much, and telling her best friend about both would require just that. So, she doesn’t. Richie doesn’t ask, either, because one: he avoids the topic of Tom as well because it just puts him in a pissy mood for the rest of the day and he can’t be in a pissy mood during a gig, and two: Beverly have no indication about the guy who helped out at the vet clinic being attractive in any way.

She sighs as she falls into the couch after giving Sid the correct amount of medicine, turning on the TV, pushing any thoughts about men out of her mind as she watches a rerun of an old 90s show.

[lesbian-ed]

🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you. 

Mod M :D 

[bloojayoolie]

Apparently, Bad, and Children: sexuality discourse is so damaging to adolescents like when I was a 13 ylo on tumblr I thought I was "homoromantic bisexual grey-asexual" and these 20 ylos encouraged this instead of helping me understand that its normal to not be sure of my sexuality when I'm a fucking child 2:39 PM-5 Jan 2019 ●“J.)@e 2,797 Retweets 11,658 Lies ti. also why would you ever push asexuality on a child you do realize what that entails right? its normal for kids to not feel sexual attraction its because theyre fucking c hilderen ti. apparently homophobes and transphobes are getting their hands on this post and literaly go fuck yourself rm a non-binary lesbian and no one cares about the opinions of you freaks to. Iwould atways feel so bad for those kids bc I couldnt just go up to a stranger and say "don't worry about it yet" when sexuality is so personal 76 exactly it takes a while for most people to figure out and you can't just push labels onto a child because none of them are old enough and experienced enough yet i used to think i was aromantic bisexual but really i was just a super shy lesbian. ithought not being shy around men meant that i was just comfortable with them but actually i just.. didn't care lol. i'm SUPER shy around cute girls. also being told i wasn't a lesbian if i was attracted to nonbinary people... so i had to be pan because that includes "everyone". if you identify as pan that's fine but even 'monosexualty" isn't black and white! to. OH MY GOD YES ESP THE ACE STUFF!! i knew SO MANY kids during my tumbir time who were younger than me and were like yeah i'm definitely ace" and were getting support but actually they were just literal children and 2/3 came out as lesbians who aren't ace a few years later. ti. like i'm not saying ace people shouldn't get support i'm saying when literal kids are trying to figure out their sexualities, just fucking let them do it on their own. t's THEIRS MEEEE I was a token "panromantic demisexual when i was 14 on tumblr like.. .the split attraction model is so needlessly complicated and confusing especially for a young teen but i felt like if i didnt micromanage my identity i wouldnt be Valid enough 1 more reply ugh yes especially al the ace stuff, ace discourse accounts would constantly say stuff like "if you don't experience sexual attraction you're ace no matter how old you are" Iided as ace for three years before i realised i was just a fuckin normal kid still developing it takes years to realize your sexuality. kids at that age and younger only feel like little crushes or something. as you grow up your mind becomes more abstract and your body changes during that period it is normal to be unsure ot what your sexuality is 118 this!! making so many unnecessary labels is damaging to young lgbt people and their identities.. it just stalls their understanding of themselves and the people round them. it's sad seeing rilly impressionable teens confine themselves to specific terms instead of just living ti. This is incredibly misleading. Those labels are necessary so they exist. What needs to exist is sexual education that tels you you're sti developing and any kind of attraction can change or stay the same at those ages, so just to. It's also fine to identify as one thing and identify as something else later on. I don't see how that's "damaging." How are you worse off? isn't it worse to not think about this stuff at all, and go along with the mainstream idea that you have to be straight/cis? 94ta toh feel like knowing about this stuff and being exposed to the discourse™ very much are different things. I found out about the split attraction model and all that stuff relatively early but it wasn't everywhere and nobody was telling me what to be when I was 13. ta. It probably is way better than just being exposed to compulsory heterosexuality but I feel like we can have slightly higher standards as a community and say that other things can also be bad at some level.

[cookinguptales]

Just got a two-part anon message which I can’t really easily reply to bc multi-part messages are impossible to reply to publicly... Uhhh so I’m just gonna c/p here.

Well, I can't speak for other readers of that particular fic, but as someone who has only in recent years noticed how... not straight they are, i will say I related to Karamatsu's feelings internalized homophobia quite a lot but for me it was just more interesting to focus on the antics when it was obvious that Chibita was gonna return his feelings. In the current political atmosphere, it's nice to just focus on good of gay(tm) and not the.... Other things. That being said, i hope that didn't diminish the very valid feelings of your work in any way. I enjoyed it a lot, thank you for writing it, really.

Strangely enough, I can’t actually say I related to it much myself... I figured out that I was into girls from a pretty young age, and though I definitely had my problems growing up in a very conservative environment, I never felt particularly conflicted within myself about liking girls. So uh, I guess that was more me as a writer writing about someone else’s feelings.

That said, I actually don’t like writing about homophobia or even really any kind of labeled sexuality. That’s why, in the lion’s share of my work, I tend to just write a love story and sidestep the issue altogether. Most of the characters I write are canonically into the opposite sex, so if I write them in a m/m or f/f relationship, I guess it’s kind of implied that they’re bisexual, but I try not to linger on that aspect. I guess fiction is the only place where I can really explore a world where things like the complexities of sexuality and homophobia aren’t a constant focus. (This is partially why I rarely write fic that might involve the other brothers commenting on their relationship; I don’t like writing homophobia but I also feel like it’d be OOC to write them as anything other than shitheads, lol.) Anyway, for me, writing this fic was a really strong departure from my usual comfort zone.

I guess I was trying to confront the less good parts of being gay in this story while still creating a narrative that has a happy ending. Like lbr, Karamatsu won’t be hanging around the closet for much longer after he and Chibita start dating -- like that idiot could ever keep quiet over being in a loving relationship. lol. But at the same time, feelings of internalized homophobia are still really common, and they’re still a really hurtful part of many people’s lives...

Like... to me it’s just such an intrinsically depressing, painful topic that it’s hard for me to get past it and see things containing it as comedic; all the antics are more there to cushion the blow and stay IC. I can’t even read romantic stories (fan or origific) with internalized homophobia most of the time. It’s an instant back button for me. It used to be the rule rather than the exception in old school fandom, and I was pretty happy to leave it behind. For me, it’s every bit as depressing as the self-loathing that comes from disability, bullying, self-esteem issues, etc. (Which I also write about a lot re: Karamatsu. I feel like there’s a lot he doesn’t like about himself, and that makes me sad.)

I guess that’s why I was surprised to get so many reblogs/comments talking about how hilarious it was. Like I honestly felt kind of shitty after writing it, even though the ultimate message was one of hope for change. And it’s not really a matter of anyone else “diminishing” my feelings or anything... Again, people are going to read my fic however they’re going to read it, and one difficult thing I’ve had to accept is that that doesn’t always have much to do with me. People are always going to get different things out of the same story, and I generally like that. I was just really, really confused when I woke up this morning. Like, “did we read the same story?” confused. lol

[daechai]

Cras and Dahlia- FFXV Ocs

Here is some info of my OCs I’ve been working on haha

Cras: Hunter, formal imperial noble -Healer,can hack slightly -Sexuality: Gay (is in love with Charen-other oc) -Weapons: ‘Reaper’s Grip’ flaming scythe, obtained in battle with his greatest feared daemon. ‘Noceur’ dual swords, definition: one who does not sleep nor rest ‘Lethe’ Long ice sword, meaning: something to get you into oblivion/blissfull forgetfullness ‘Resfeber’ Lance given by Charen, definition: the restless race of a traveler’s heart when a journey begins, anxiety. -Loves: Charen, piercings, making salad, Dahlia (as a best friend), Later on: Prompto, Ignis, Noctis, and Gladiolus -Hobbies: Bothering people, writing, naming weapons (thus the meaning behind each one) -Traits: bit narcissistic, chicken when it comes to fighting alone, social, lazy at times, very confident but doesnt think before he acts, serious in times of healing Appearance: Pink short hair, slightly pale skin with light (almost grey) brown eyes, a mole instead of the traditional cras freckles, piercings (3 in both ears and one on lip) Tattoos: 1 of grima in his back bc he is a nerd/ some bands around his arms/ two sets of wings in his left hand (the one he writes with) that reminds him of Charen/ one he got in his left writst with Dahlia because of one particular mission, very tall, has good build. Usually wears a normal black shirt and some dark blue jeans with some belts and straps on the sides. He also wears light shoes like converse or boots when the weather/traveling needs it. Usually has a small sports backpack in which he keeps his medical supplies as well as his computer, food, and other essentials. He also has some chains and leader straps around his arms because apparently they look cool?? He has some scars along his back and behind his legs and a small one at the side of his neck (courtesy of Dahlia when they first met). Has Charen’s hunter dog tag instead of his because his family wouldnt bother finding him and Charen dissapeared.

Dahlia: Hunter, formal resident of Lucis -Tactitian, is a pretty good shot -Sexuality: Bisexual -Weapons: 'Seldom’ sniper, she believes that wishing for something gives you the opposite so in this case this will give her more shots than random hits. 'Nepenthe'dual guns, def: something that can make you forget grief or suffering 'Kairos’ ice sphear, def: the perfect, delicate, crucial moment (suggested by Cras, Dahlia loved it) 'Convivencia’ long sword (given by her family and named by Cras- they both share the sword at times in battle) Loves: Prompto (later on ooo), Cras (as a best friend), piercings, traveling, her weapons, and (later on) Ignis, Noctis, and Gladiolus Hobbies: writing (journal keeping), traveling, archery/shooting (helps her with aim) Traits: Strong, sometimes stern, usually angry with Cras,has a very lovely smile and laugh (even when she barely does it),a no-bs kind of person, enjoys jokes and can be sarcastic Appearance: Slightly dark/tan skin, brown dark hair and grey eyes, piercings (4 in both ears), Tattoos: one on her right wrist she got with Cras because of a particular mission, slightly shorter than average and fairly built, usually wears a dark grey tank top with black cargo pants (with lots of pockets) and belts on her waist and sides to keep her dual guns nearby, she also usually wears a long cammo green jacket with loads of pockets as well as a hoodie. When it’s cold she wears a snow blue jacket with a fuzzy hoodie (belonging to her father), she also wears black cammo boots usually or black boots with heels at times when travelling. Sometimes she styles her hair with braids and designs if in a good mood but usually pulls it up into a ponytail on missions (only lets her hair down when chilling). She has a few scars on her back, some in her arms (shoulders) one on her eyebrow and a very small one on her lip. She keeps her dog tag on her neck to at least have her family know where she was all along when died (she asked Cras to be the one to give her tag to her family and no one else).

Trivia: -Cras and Dahlia have a very close sibling like relationship, at first ordered at a mission together by Dave because they wouldnt stop fighting with each other and later becoming best friends. -Cras absolutely is in love with Charen and wont stop talking about him, nobody knows who he is or whether or not he exists except for Dahlia who has met him like twice. -Cras is a complete coward when fighting at night and usually complains to Dahlia since she stays far away to accurately snipe. -Dahlia at times in response shoots a few 'warning’ shots towards him when he keeps complaining about it. -The only time Cras every gets serious is when attending someone with medical needs of important issues about Charen. -Dahlia is very smart and good at tactics (including buying and handling stuff) while Cras is very smart in academics as well as computers. -Dahlia later develops a crush on prompto, usually sketching out the pictures he takes but her self esteem (especially about her family problems, partner from before, and such) keeps her away from him. -Cras loves to tease and bother Dahlia and she probably wants to kill him by now. -Dahlia doesnt mind seeing the guts of humans and creatures alike while Cras internally screams inside (usually gets over it when being a healer). -Cras owns a motorcycle and Dahlia usually hops in as well behind him. -Theyre both known as the notorious pair of hunters who wont stop bickering at each other during missions

Some backstory: When she was young,Dahlia actually fell into a coma for unexplainable reasons for a long period of time. When she came back to consciousness, her family was utterly worried and wouldnt let her be for days. Because of the medical bills, her family started struggling financially and she felt extremely guilty about it. She slowly kept falling deep and deeper into self hate and feeling like a burden thus escaping to be a hunter, at least she wouldn’t cause any trouble for her family and at times could send anonymous tips of money towards them. Sometimes she takes out a picture with her brothers just to stare at it, she keeps the one with her parents hidden as it hurts her too much. Later on her travels she fell in love with a fellow hunter and was even thinking about marriage when he disappeared, she kept his dog tag with her thinking he was dead until she reached Lestallum and found him trying to live another life, acting like he didn't know her and having another love, this made her hopelessly bitter and at times sad later on in her life.

Cras was actually a son of the imperial noble families, he hated his family and having escaped multiple times he stumbled across a bar where he met Charen. He quickly fell in love with him and it became mutual. He becomes a bad boy type, following Charen around getting piercings, having tattoos and stuff, he was about to do drugs when Charen stopped him. He worried he was a bad influence so he decided to start pushing him away. One day Charen decides to join this extremely dangerous band of hunters (which are infamous for doing anti empire acts of revelry). Cras offers to join but Charen seriously doesn’t want him to be in danger. One of the rules of the organization is that if he joins he must be sworn to secrecy and hiding, so he 'breaks up’ with Cras and runs away, only leaving him his number for his (now ex) boyfriend to contact him in extreme life and dead situations. Cras calls him/texts him all the time, sometimes Charen does respond most time he doesn’t. When he does, Cras attempts to hack and trace whatever he can to find him, this usually successfully happens every few months or so. Everytime Cras meets him they fight (Charen always trying to keep him away and Cras always trying to convince him to come with him). Their relationship is extremely complicated, Cras wants to start a family and spend his life with Charen while he thinks he is a threat to Cras’ existence.

A small scenario (after Cras and Dahlia meet the four guys and decide to join their party as the Prince’s hired retainers):

(Its dark at night and the group has decided to camp out, Cras gets a text from Charen and immediately starts to use his computer while typing furiously, after a few minutes he stands up and starts walking away into the shadows).

“Hey where is Cras going?” “He found Charen, just give him a few hours” Dahlia places her hands over her hips with a grim expression and yells towards Cras’ direction “I’ll be waiting here with the medical pack by the time you come back!” Noctis and the others at first looked extremely worried, their expressions slowly turning into confusion by Dahlia’s calm demeanor. After a few hours of them waiting while finishing a game of King’s knight and starting to help Ignis prepare dinner, Cras finally shows up. Stumbling from the shadows the four can’t help but wince as he walks towards the light. Showered with cuts all over his arms and legs, he seemed to be gripping his arm that was either strained or broken by the way it looked. Once he turned around to sit in front of Dahlia, they noticed that a giant rip was apparent on his back, showing a tattoo with an intricate wing design only to be covered by a deep gash, blood pouring out of it. Dahlia’s eyes only slightly widened as she went to get the medical bag and started patching him up. “Hey Cras, this is worse than usual…. what did you tell him this time?…” she almost whispers with a grim expression as she starts covering his wounds. Cras gave a sad wry grin as he was being patched up, he gave a half hearted chuckle as he responded “I asked him this time to marry me.”

[atltheshow]

Okay

So, I have an Instagram by this same name that I use to vent to my friends, but it's gotten too close plus they know too many people. Imma keep it anonymous obviously just in case but here we go

This is really for me to just document my summer this year bc I'm literally strung out on caffeine and painkillers at all times

So a few things you need to know: I have a chronic connective tissue disorder which is the scary way of saying I have ligamental laxity. My joints don't stay together. As I type this my ankle is out. Anyone, I had a surgery 6/26/15, aka the day gay marriage was legalized in the US. Another important thing, I am bisexual with almost an even split. I stopped taking highschool classes after my sophomore year and have taken them at my local community college instead. This is because I'm big depressed and big anxious so I couldn't do school. I work at my CC as a math tutor for ever math below Calc I, including developmental. I want to be a orthopedic surgeon and am going for a duel bachelor's in petroleum and mine engineering as premed. I have an older and younger brother, both of which I adore but get on my nerves too much. My older brother went to an in state university for his freshman year, decided he wasn't ready for the move, and is coming to the same CC as me, as a year below me, his high school senior sister. My young brother just finished his first year in traditional high school, at a different high school than I went to. He's a competitive gymnast. My father works out of town and my mom stays at home. I cannot drive yet, but as of today I am eligible to get my license. I am largely into the robotics Program in our county, where I was second in command as of last season, was second lead of programming, safety assist, scouting assist and head fabrication. I truly love robotics. I also golf, and love watching it, yes I am upset about Woodland okay.

So here's where we introduce my few main groups of friends:

Robotics friends

School friends

SPS friends (my middle school friends)

Friends ;)

So some of these overlap, majority of those in it don't.

Robotics:

My absolute best friend, who we will call Syrup is was on my robotics team, she's a year older and aged out. We met my freshman year of highschool. She's amazing and I love he's so dearly.

Cross, literally the male version of me. He's dating Syrup. He was first in command of the team this year. Also aged out. Him and syrup broke up for a few months and it was weird for the friend group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I also love and adore him.

Heat is one of my oldest physically. She was a mentor on the team but me and my brother ended up getting really really close with her. She's super thoughtful and sincere. She's in school to be a clinical counselor.

Pooky is old as well. He's a redneck. He is also Hispanic. He mentors and I got really close to him after me and Cross basically annoyed him into going to dinner with us after a robotics meeting one summer. Now he's by far one of my favorite people. Also asked out heat when they were seniors in high school.

Dementia is the oldest physically. He was honestly a fluke. One of pookys friends that he asked to come by one day and we all ended up liking him. He was on the team and already knew Heat, Cross, and pooky. We convinced him to come to dinner with us the same day we convinced pooky. He's honestly the funniest person I know. He works as an engineer at the local forklift company.

Button-lives an hour and a half away but is going to college another 4 hours away. Met through my brother but then we became really good friends. I call him button bc he gave me one of his buttons from robotics and it was the nicest thing ever. He also stayed up with my during Ramadan at 5 in the morning when I couldn't sleep in pain. He knew I was hurting and he sacrificed what little sleep he could have for me and I am forever grateful and I don't think he realizes. One time he drove down to see me and it still makes my heart warm. He's someone I would have shot my shot a long time ago if we weren't an hour and a half away and drastically different religions.

Shea- named after his dog bc I know he'd love that. I know how weird it sounds but I'm in love. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked. He's predental at our towns uni, and honors. He was first in command of our team last year. He mentored scouting this year :).

Small robotics characters

jamin- was really close with him for two years, then he went to college and fratted, now works two hours away. I love him and miss him

Jew-not really Jewish. Very sweet. Very handsome. Very funny

Lampshade- little Bros best friend. Athletic and smart. Good child.

Weeny-had a crush on his, honestly super sweet and just a great personality. 12/10 pure.

Noodle- dated syrup then had a FWB thing with me. Broke it off after a dumb joke gone wrong. Still miss him tbh.

Eggroll- Shea's best friend. About to be a junior in college. Hits me up for nudes. Super energetic.

School friends

I have three. FOUR

Harvard- he earned the name. Smart and determined boy. I met him in middle school. Absolute softy and I love it. Super athletic. We have the type of friendship where we listen to each other super well but have no idea what's happening. He'll talk about baseball to me and I talk about robotics to him. Do either of us absorb it? No. Do we still listen? Yes.

Dorks- changed his last name a bit but it fits. Became bff's in art history. Sold him drugs once. Minnesotan. We're starting a podcast together. Literally super chill as a friend

Cow- sounds so mean to call her that but it's her favorite animal. She's special needs but I still don't know how. She's a real G. There through everything.

Jazz- tall lanky. Sweet. Plays jazz. I miss him. Was gonna go to prom with him then didn't. Oh well. Button helped me through that mess as well.

Sps

Confused- theater kid. That's all

Dragon- strange, doesn't like touch. Goes to Catholic hs

Draw-art who programs too. Goes to special math school 2 hours away. DM

I have a dnd campaign going with them so I probably couldve used their character names bc even if they found this blog they'd just be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Friends ;)

Boy oh boy. Most of these overlap tbh. Noodle boy, lampshade and Eggroll belong here

Callaway- never actually met in person. We talk about golf and send nudes. Ideal person tbh.

Neck- am a year older. Mentored his Lego robotics team. Asks for nudes daily. Occasionally gets them.

Step-was my old neighbor. Homeschooled until 7th grade. Very very large. Kinda scary tbh. Send occasionally, dislocated my ankle sucking his dick once

Titan- named after his truck, which I lost my virginity in. We have. An interesting relationship. Met him through a friend not mentioned. He hit on me, we talked, it wasn't gonna work as bf/gf but it would as fwb bc they're was mutual attraction on that end. The first time we met in person I gave him a handjob. December 2018 he told me he needed a break bc his mental health was failing, okay whatever. Comes back around March, do stuff quite often. The other day though, we just got done, and he told me he needed another break bc all he did was run to me for sex when he was sad. Totally cool but he also removed me from stuff so he wouldn't be tempted. Kinda sucks and im honestly a little hurt bc then the friendship is gone too but honestly it's probably for good. He will come back.

Anyway it's late and me and Harvard are both sad so gn, posts soon to come.

[saturnsovereign]

all the questions

i should be studying for my final but i don’t care about it rn

Macaroni and Cheese: What makes you think of your childhood? idk

Spring Green: How do you relax when you’re stressed? i usually just try to distract myself or take a nap

Asparagus: What’s an unpopular opinion you have? 

Bittersweet: Has someone you loved ever hurt you? yeah

Eggplant: Explain your url and avatar. I wanted something that sounded cool, but this was like in 8th grade. My avatar are bisexual colors

Outer Space: Do you ever feel like you’re an outcast from others? yeah

Cotton Candy: What is your favorite dessert? Eh i don’t really have one

Freckle: Do you have any marks on your skin? How do you feel about them? not really, and any that i have aren’t that major

Shocking Pink: Is there a trait that you have that others don’t expect from you? apparently people who don’t know me well enough get shocked when i swear

Robin’s Egg Blue: If you were an animal, which one do you think would you be? i’m like a fucking chihuahua

Granny Smith Apple: What’s something everyone else likes that you don’t? idk nothing comes to mind

Dandelion: What’s a pet peeve of yours? 

WHEN MY ROOMMATES WON’T FUCKING DO THE FUCKING CHORES

Atomic Tangerine: What gets you motivated to do a difficult task? stress

Wisteria: What’s your favorite thing about yourself? ...

Candy Apple: How do you think others view you? idk tbh

Plum: Are you insecure about anything? oh yeah everything

Sky Blue: Where do you feel the most at home? i don’t know anymore

Tickle Me Pink: How do you try to cheer others up when they’re sad? i can send them memes or i just let them talk

Wild Strawberry: Do you care what others think about you? yeah

Glossy Grape: Recommend something to your followers. unfollow me

World Wide Web Yellow: What was the last thing you looked up? compartmentalizing

Shadow Blue: Do you have a darker side to you that most people are unaware of? oh haha...

Electric Lime: What genre of music do you listen to? i don’t have a genre

Night Owl: Describe a very interesting dream that you had. ...that would take a complete ‘nother page

Cornflower: What do you think about the most? my gf

Grasshopper Green: Describe the area where you live. i’m in a dorm. its in the central valley. theres not much to do. oh well. 

Misty Moss: Is there anything you regret? too much

Tiny Toad Brown: Do you find beauty in something that people consider to be ugly or undesirable? nothing comes to mind

Sunny Side Up: Do you like waking up in the mornings, or would you rather sleep in? i like waking up and doing stuff, but if i don’t have anything to do i’d rather sleep in

Kitten Gray: Do you have any pets? If so, describe them. my doggo is basically a cat

Rose Dust: Describe your aesthetic in five words or less. plain, not straight

Timberwolf: Do you give second chances when somebody has wronged you? see other ask.

Freshly Squeezed: What excites you? calligraphy supplies

Firefly Red: What gives you purpose? honestly idk anymore

Tiny Teapot Tan: Do you consider yourself to be attractive/cute? ahahaha... no

Rain Drop Blue: Describe the weather outside. its dark and its cold

Sweet Pea Green: Do you have/want children? yeah 

Pussywillow: Do you like being around others, or do you like being alone? theres a time limit for both

Jack ‘O’ Lantern Orange: What’s your biggest fear and why? i fear the pariah. 

Baby Bunny Pink: Do you look young for your age, or do you look older than you are? apparently i look older than what i am. 

Mystic Maroon: What confuses you, and why? my english teacher, the stuff we do is so uncessary

Cosmic Cobalt: What’s your zodiac sign, and do you think it’s accurate? capricorn and yeah except the success part. i haven’t really ever been successful 

Petal Pink: Describe your fashion sense as well as what you’re wearing right now. not straight. t-shirt and shorts

Mountain Meadow: Do you like taking care of others, or do you prefer being care of? taking care of others, imma be a nurse. 

Fuzzy Duckling Yellow: Is there something from childhood that you haven’t outgrown? i don’t know tbh, maybe its that i sleep with stuffed animals

Brussel Sproutlet: Do you have any unhealthy habits? yeah i forget to eat dinner sometimes... like now. 

Razzle Dazzle Rose: Describe an ideal date. a date. 

Periwinkle: What’s something ordinary that has personal meaning to you? i’ll get back to you on that. 

Mauvelous: Do you think you deserve a better life than you have now? idk

Blueberry Blue: Do you get sad easily? yeah

Purple Mountains Majesty: How does someone earn your respect? don’t be a dick. try. 

Song of the year? probs Despacito

Album of the year? Ed Sheeran

Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year? don’t have one

Movie of the year? Wonder Woman

TV show of the year? idk

Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you? don’t know

Favorite actor of the year? don’t have one

Game of the year? nope

Best month for you this year? ...i don’t even know tbh

Something that made you cry this year? too many things

Something you want to do again next year? probs guard

Talk about a new friend you made this year she threatens to punch me, i make fun of her for being a baby gay

How was your birthday this year? it was good, it was the only one that felt that had meaning. but i still hate it. 

Favorite book you read this year? i didn’t read any damn books

What’s a bad habit you picked up this year? i’m back to being closed off

Post a picture from the beginning of the year no thanks

Post a picture from the end of the year nah

A memorable meal this year? idk eating a turkey leg in disneyland

What’re you excited about for next year? nothing really, im just nervous

What’s something you learned this year? learning which friends were actual friends and not bc of just being around them all the time

What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year? i have gay lights

Favorite place you visited this year? tahoe

If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be? enjoy it while it lasts

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions? didn’t make any to begin with

Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one Halivar- dragonborn, likes to bang, basically a female James Bond, sailor, ranger with wicked nature/animal skills, likes to drink, has a jackal named Anubis.