#the depth and complexity of Kaz's touch aversion is one of my favorite things about him so I have a lot of feelings about it

[esotericdescent]

I have some Headcanons for Kaz to share in reference to his trauma / haphephobia. A couple of them involve vague mentions of ~intimate situations.~

It's never really explicitly mentioned in the books, but I suspect blood is one of his triggers—although fresh blood isn't as much of an issue as I think it has a lot to do with scent rather than the physical sensation of it. It's the sickeningly sweet, rotting coppery scent and if he's stuck with it on him long enough, it can easily lead to a panic attack and/or a fainting spell. It's also very likely the reason why the only time he gets someone's blood all over him is either when it's a last resort or when he just .... loses his cool, which doesn't happen very often ( I mean, he doesn't particularly like killing people anyway, but yk ). In SOC when he rips that guys' eye out, they change POV after Kaz goes bellow deck to clean himself off and stuff and like ..... I think about that a lot. Might write a drabble abt it some time, who knows.

When/if Kaz gradually starts to work through his touch aversion issues in order to be able to physically touch someone casually or intimately, he strikes me as someone who is ... extremely intense once he's comfortable. Because of his aversion, he's also very touch starved, which becomes immediately obvious very quickly in that case.

I think, when it comes to kissing someone, that is likely one of the easier things to work through for him simply because of how stark the contrast is. Like, the heat of someone's mouth, the intimacy of being able to hear and feel someone's breathing, feel how very much alive they are. And for that reason, it becomes pretty immediately apparent how much he enjoys it once he gets there.

One of the ways he keeps himself grounded during these situations is being able to feel someone's pulse, which he can do by either feeling for it by resting his hand on their throat / pressing his thumb against their pulse point there, or doing the same on their wrist(s).

However, something important to note; it will absolutely take a lot of tries, trial and error, for Kaz to be able to work through these things. He is probably going to have several panic attacks along the way and it's gonna be a rough start; it's especially going to be complicated and very, very meaningful for him to allow someone to be anywhere near him when that happens too, so it'll require a ton of thorough plotting. I don't mind skipping ahead, as long as we thoroughly discuss and establish the difficulty in Getting There.

I will also say that, as someone on the asexual spectrum myself, I am 5000% very, very flexible about what intimacy would mean for him. Smut does not have to happen for Kaz to be intimate with someone; literally him letting someone hold his hand is a very huge indication of intimacy for him okay. There's a part of him that deeply, deeply struggles with shame regarding his trauma and limitations because of it, so. Someone eventually knowing What Happened and insisting on giving him the space and patience that he needs and/or being like "you don't actually have to Ever btw" despite his stubborn attitude sigh lmao is 👌👌

Kaz's struggles with touch will never fully be gone, no matter how much he works through it. There will still be days where he can't handle physical contact and there will be days where he's handling things just fine but the slightest thing twists the wrong way and he has a panic attack or can't touch anyone for hours or the rest of the day, ect. It's always going to be there in the back of his mind, being considered with everything he does. And, even with working through it to be able to touch Certain People or Someone In Particular, he still won't be able to deal with it casually, with people he doesn't know well or trust. It's especially Bad if it's not anticipated from someone he doesn't know well or trust.