#the effort it takes to schedule things regularly or even just talk to people purposefully online without an obligation in common is

[theramblingvoid]

Being unemployed and out of school in your early 20s is so weird. like I'm free I'm trapped time isn't real but neither is bedtime I'm making food from scratch I'm sweating over the price of groceries I'm entirely outside the rhythm of humanity while only now starting to see how it works. I'm living I'm dying I'm holding together my mental health with duct tape and one nice thing a person said to me 5 months ago I am running out of shredded cheese. yknow?

[rikotin]

Hey, I really liked your fic with David not getting into the film school. I'm in the mood for more angst. Can you please write this one “Why are you lying to me?” with Davenzi?

hiii! thank you for the prompt and sorry for the small delay, i got a bit carried away and ended up with a bit more than i bargained for haha

but angst you ask and angst you get (with some hope and comfort we all deserve)! hope you enjoy!

Read on AO3

And I Promise You This

It was bound to happen eventually, their lives getting more diverging. 

They still had their huge group of friends, but as people started studying and working, they rarely managed to meet up with everyone present these days. Now, everyone saw each other mostly one on one or in smaller groups, whenever they could.

Matteo and David had also both made some new friends along the way. After David started university, he quickly found himself part of a small, warm community of fine arts students and made a lot of friends in just a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, Matteo worked at a nearby Italian restaurant, still contemplating if being a chef or a waiter was something he’d like to do in the future as well, or if he’d rather study something completely else. Soon after starting at his new job, Matteo had hit it off with a couple of his colleagues, as they were around the same age, and they saw each other regularly outside work.

All things considered, it was only natural that they didn’t spend that much time together anymore. It wasn’t to say that they didn’t spend time together at all, no. Of course they made sure to regularly carve out some time for  each other – to play games, watch movies, explore the city, whatever they happened to come up with. They basically lived together as well, mostly sharing a bed at the flatshare, but sometimes escaped the noisy and nosy flatmates by going to David’s – well, Laura’s, at this point – apartment just to get some peace and quiet. It was nice every once in a while, Laura and Matteo connected over cooking and David connected with them both by eating and enjoying it, but they had chosen to live at the flatshare anyway, as David couldn’t really stomach the idea of living with his boyfriend under his sister’s roof. Some things should always have a healthy amount of distance from the family members, and the thin wall between their bedrooms simply didn’t provide that.

However, going from being joined at the hip all the time to having their separated lives, despite their things having morphed into one large pile that belonged to both of them, had led to some arguments and strain in their relationship. That was to be expected, though, as it was a new situation to both of them, and adjusting to it hadn’t been as easy as they had initially thought.

Things had calmed down, and mostly, it was smooth sailing. But sometimes, things got tough. That happened when they were both beyond stressed, and so busy they barely ever saw each other – David working on projects at the university from 8 to 18 while Matteo sometimes came home from work well after midnight. Most of the time, they were good at communicating their concerns and anything that might be bothering them, and it rarely caused them any troubles. But when tired and annoyed, listening got hard and patience wore thin, leading to frustration and arguments.

Usually, the tension between them lasted from several hours to a few days until one or both of them broke it by saying something funny or teasing purposefully to swipe away the odd strain, or simply by apologizing and taking away the hurt.

It had been a week now, and David was slowly losing his mind.

It all began on the evening he had promised to go to a party with his friends from the university. Matteo was supposed to work for the day, but his boss had to reschedule him for the following evening due to a big reservation, effectively ruining their plans to go out together with the boys like “the old times” as Carlos had referred to it.

David knew he could have taken the news a bit better, as it wasn’t Matteo’s fault and Matteo agreed to the change simply because he didn’t want to cause his colleagues to break under pressure while working understaffed. Matteo’s decision was, in fact, very thoughtful, now that David thought back to it. Unfortunately, when Matteo had broken the news to him, his initial reaction was to call him out on it – not because he was actually angry, like he was sure it came across, but because he was disappointed that he couldn’t make it. They all had been looking forward to the night-out for such a long time, made plans over a month ago to ensure everyone had their schedule free for the night, and now, Matteo was not going to make it.

After he had calmed down a bit, David had suggested that Matteo come with him to the student party instead. Matteo had asked him if he could cancel, if they could just curl up on the couch and enjoy a movie or something. But he couldn’t do that, as he had made a promise, and had taken part in planning the evening, and was needed to set up the place for the people. 

After a short but tense discussion, Matteo agreed to go – although a bit reluctantly. David understood where he was coming from: Matteo had only briefly met his school friends, and generally disliked being in loud places with huge crowds without knowing anyone.  And, well, wasn’t a student party just that? But he promised to go with David, and David was thrilled to have his boyfriend with him – ready to show Matteo off to everyone.

However, David felt that something was off. Something had started with their quarrel but never disappeared, even after they had made amends. 

Throughout the night, it kept bugging him. It bothered him as he watched Matteo chat and laugh with his friends; it kept nagging at the back of his head as they all danced together. He pulled Matteo close, the music booming around them, and he swayed with him for a moment – until Matteo pulled away. Later, he asked Matteo if he wanted to get something to drink, but only got a shake of a head as an answer. While they were walking back to the flatshare, David reached for Matteo’s hand, but Matteo pulled it away and slipped it into his pocket. Matteo was looking away into the distance of the sleeping city, but David couldn’t help feeling like it was intentional.

David tried to bring it up many times as the week went by. He knew he had been childish before the party, getting mad over nothing, and he had told Matteo as much. Told him he had been wrong, and that he was sorry. And Matteo had accepted his apology, shrugging like he didn’t know why David was apologizing. But there was something sad in his smile and something careful in the way he hugged David back, and it all screamed that something was still so very wrong. 

So, day after day, David asked about it, and all he kept getting back was a forced laugh, a shrug, or an eyeroll. His initial worry quickly turned back into irritation.

“Matteo, what is wrong?” he asked for what seemed like the thousandth time in the past couple of days. He had gone to hug his boyfriend from behind while he was pouring some coffee for himself, only to be shrugged off as quickly as Matteo needed to realize what he was about to do; his patience was at its limits.

“Nothing,” Matteo answered immediately – too fast for it to be sincere. David sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was too early – to be awake, to be shoved off, to be having this conversation, you name it –, but it was the first morning in a month they were actually able to have breakfast together. So if he was being honest, it hurt to be brushed off without any explanation when all he wanted was some coffee and a goddamn hug from his boyfriend.

“Don’t start with that again. It’s obviously something. You’ve been acting strange all week.”

“I have not.”

The discussion was like an exact repeat from all the previous ones they’d had, leading absolutely nowhere. It took every ounce of self-control David had to remain calm and not pull his hair out strand by strand in his frustration.

“You just pushed me off from hugging you even though we haven’t been able to spend a morning together in ages. That is very strange when it comes to you.”

“Are you saying I’m clingy?” Matteo grumbled, now visibly annoyed at being forced to continue the conversation despite his efforts to escape it. Matteo grabbed a carton of milk from the fridge and poured some into his coffee, pointedly turning his back to David for the moment. David couldn’t help but wonder if, maybe, it would actually help to pull out some hair, after all.

“No, I–… That’s not what I said.” David shook his head and rubbed his hands over his face. “Matteo, I need to know what’s going on. You’re avoiding me.”

“I’m right here,” Matteo stated blankly, returning the milk to the fridge. He picked up his coffee mug and turned around, but kept his eyes down, while David kept his own gaze on Matteo’s face like a hawk, desperate to get any reaction that might hint at what was going on.

“You are here, yes, but you’re still avoiding me.”

Matteo shrugged and kept quiet, taking a sip out of his mug while he leaned his back against the kitchen counter. David was running out of ideas on how to not end up in yet another fight, when all he wanted to do was the resolve the previous one they had – or whatever it was that was now putting this weight between them.

“Matteo, please,” David began, stressing his words, and let his eyes slide shut while he took a deep breath before opening them again. “You barely talk to me if I don’t talk to you first, you pull your hand away when I try to hold it, you shrug me off when I try to hug you and now you’re refusing to look me in the eye completely. Why is that? Please tell me.”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Matteo said, his voice so quiet David could hardly make out the words. David ran his fingers through his hair, ignoring the knots and tangles they got stuck in on the way.

“You are, though. So, what is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Why are you lying to me?” David snapped, raising his voice unintentionally, the force of it ringing through the kitchen, and regretting it as soon as he saw Matteo flinch.

“Sorry,” David said immediately, backing down a bit and heavily dropping himself on to the nearest kitchen chair. “I didn’t mean to yell, I’m sorry. I just–… Please, just–… I need to know what I’ve done wrong so I can fix it.”

That’s when Matteo’s gaze snapped up to meet his eyes and he looked… Confused?

“What do you mean? You haven’t done anything.”

Now, David was even more lost. He stared at Matteo, his mouth hanging open in surprise, struggling to take in the information he had just been given.

“What?”

“It’s not–… You didn’t do anything,” Matteo said again, now rubbing his hand over his eyes – with slightly too much force, David noted, like he tended to do when he was frustrated. David leaned his elbows on his knees, gnawing on his lower lip, feeling uncertain.

“What is it, then?” he asked carefully, hoping to sound encouraging. Like he was trying his hardest not to scare Matteo away now that he had finally gotten him to talk – or even react to his questions – for the first time since they fell into the odd place of tension a week ago.

“It’s stupid.”

Ah. That was a response that David knew meant that Matteo had been too lost in his own thoughts – his hidden insecurities casting long, dark shadows over his mind, making unwanted thoughts to surface. Matteo had explained it to him once, after he had gone to see a professional to talk about all the struggles he had had ever since his father left and his mother’s mental health had plummeted.

David stood up again and took a few steps closer to Matteo, leaving some space between them and carefully let his hands hang at his sides, not touching him.

“Tell me,” he then said softly, tilting his head as he tried to catch Matteo’s eyes which were once again turned downwards.

“I just–… I feel like–”

David stood his ground, staying quiet, giving Matteo space to collect his thoughts. Matteo sighed deeply and placed his coffee mug back onto the counter, his shoulders slouching.

“You don’t deserve to be disappointed all the time.”

David blinked. It wasn’t exactly the response he was waiting for, if there was any, and confusion swept over him.

“Disappointed? Because of what?”

“Because of me.”

Matteo’s words tore at his heart. He lifted his arm to take Matteo’s hand, but pulled it away quickly, and reminded himself to keep his distance to ensure Matteo had the space to say everything he wanted – even though  the need to hug him was getting painful to bear. Just as he was about to ask what Matteo had meant, the words started tumbling from Matteo’s lips, a stream of hurt and guilt flung out onto the kitchen floor in front of him. 

He told David how much it bothered him that he had to disappoint not only David but all the guys when he had to cancel their night out, and how much he would have wanted to be there with everyone. He told him how much he hated the student parties and how much he knew David worried for him while they were at one, and how he felt like he always managed to ruin the evening even if no one dared to say it out loud. He told him how much guilt he felt for the times he had told David he’d be home before he went to sleep but had to stay overtime and got back when David had already drifted off. The list went on and on, and David could see it had been building for a long time.

Finally, he closed the distance by taking the couple of steps in between them, and pulled Matteo into a tight hug in the middle of his sentence, and pressed him against himself with all the force he had in his arms. He let his eyes close as Matteo buried his face into the nape of his neck, hugging him back like his whole world depended on it. And they stood there, enveloped in each other, for a long time – finding some desperate comfort in the silence and each other. David felt Matteo shake a little between his arms as the adrenaline, and maybe fear, melted off him. It felt like his chest was burning.

After some time, David finally pulled back just enough to look into Matteo’s eyes, and took his face in between his hands. He wanted to kick himself for not noticing Matteo’s insecurities and building worries earlier. Unfortunately, he had come to learn that Matteo was worryingly good at hiding things if he felt like his feelings might be a burden to someone, so most likely, Matteo had done his very best to keep it safely tucked away from David’s sight. David was determined to do everything in his power to change that so that whatever it was, Matteo could always feel safe to tell it to him. Always.

“I am not disappointed in you,” he then said firmly, and quickly continued before Matteo could jump in, “I am disappointed in situations. I am disappointed because of plans changing suddenly, my favourite jeans ripping and the shitty weather on a summer day. But I’ve never once been disappointed in you.”

“But I have disappointed you.”

Matteo looked uncertain and guilty, and David felt a little sick when he had to nod. But that much was true.

“You have. But– No, listen, Matteo,” David gently turned his face back to him as Matteo tried to turn his eyes away, adamant to keep the connection between them. “It doesn’t mean that you are a disappointment to me.”

David brushed a thumb over Matteo’s cheek, still staring into his blue eyes, trying to muster up the most loving expression he possibly could.

“It never means that, I promise. I’ve only ever been proud of you, to be with you. It makes me so proud to have you.”

Matteo swallowed thickly and didn’t say anything. He simply stared back at David, like he was looking for something in his eyes. Whatever it was, he seemed to find it, as he swallowed again and nodded, utter relief painting his expression.

“Okay.”

David nodded, daring to smile a little and squeeze Matteo’s cheeks a bit more between his hands, squishing them so his lips pointed out rather comically. Matteo pulled his face away, breaking into a small laugh. The sound was music to David’s ears, the chime of his laughter soothing David’s heart immediately. Just like that, the heavy weight between them was lifted.

David took a step closer to crowd Matteo against the counter, and loosely hooked his arms on Matteo’s shoulders when he showed no signs of escaping. Matteo seemed amused – David hadn’t even realized how much he had missed that look.

“I love you so much. So, so much. You know that, right?” he mumbled, brushing his nose against Matteo’s. His voice came out a little wobbly, the question almost like a plea. There was this need inside him, urging him to make sure Matteo heard him say it. He just had to know that despite the worries and doubts Matteo might have when he was drowned by his own thoughts, he still knew that he had David’s whole heart and soul.

He felt soft lips press against his own, the kiss tasting like assurance and promise at the same time. Matteo broke it off as gently as he started it, leaning their foreheads together and pulling David impossibly close by the waist.

“I know,” Matteo breathed out shakily, as his face broke into the warmest, brightest smile David had seen in weeks. 

“I love you, too.”

—

“And I promise you this,

no matter who enters your life

I will love you more than any of them.”

– Origin of the quote unknown

[bffhreprise]

Entry 190

 I looked around in wonder, amazed that these primitive giants had even managed to colonize this world.  During my brief stay, I quickly realized that they do not deserve the planet.  Pollution was rampant and very few seemed to care.  My kind would thrive here and easily repair the damage, though it would take some time.

 I suddenly froze, sensing danger.  I couldn’t see anything threatening, at least not at first.  A shadow loomed over me, and I prepared to release my venomous cloud.  The fear increased as I stared up.  Something terrible and vast was looming over me.  I named her Death as a voice penetrated my mind.

 :Wrong planet, little one.: she stated.

 I wanted to respond.  I wanted to assure her that my people could better care for this place.  I wanted to explain that my own planet was too populated for my offspring to really thrive.  I wanted to say so many things, but I could only nod.

 :You’ll be a good girl and leave now, yes?: asked the voice.

 I knew to my core this wasn’t a request.  I quickly thought :Yes.  I’ll leave this night.  I won’t leave anything behind.:

 The feeling of terror instantly abated as she vanished from my sight, but something dreadful remained just past what I could see.  I felt it there, watching me, waiting.  I was frozen, fear building inside me again.  Humans passed me, unaware of how close my family was to colonizing this planet ourselves.  I wanted to look at the thing near me, yet every fiber in my being warned against turning.  I ran as fast as I could.  This planet was guarded by Death herself and possibly something worse.  We would never come back here.

,,,^._.^,,,

  “I don’t see why she needed to come along.” I stated, resisting the urge to tap my foot as Aaliyah crouched over some type of large beetle.  I didn’t recognize the species, so I was guessing the creature was rare.  I wasn’t going to admit my ignorance, not with how gladly Aaliyah would surely give me an overly detailed explanation which would undoubtedly tell me little of actual interest.

 “Sorry, but you know my schedule is pretty tight.  How was I supposed to know that Chad would desperately need a babysitter today?” asked James.

 I rolled my eyes and said, “You could have pawned her off on Emma.  Emma would’ve been overjoyed.”

 James was quite well aware that Aaliyah was an exceptionally dangerous being who didn’t need “babysitting”, but he took the role seriously, as if what he did could make any difference to her.  Would he still believe himself a babysitter if he ever found out that Aaliyah was Death herself?  He had seen her true form once already, a fact that gave him nightmares for a month.  Would he even be able to handle that knowledge?

 Aaliyah looked up at me with her wide, blue eyes as she said, “Emma’s modeling for one of her favorite brands.  You wouldn’t really want to have her be distracted on such a big day, would you?”

 Was she threatening me?  There was just enough variance in her tone toward the end that she might have been.  I was surely over-thinking the situation.

 “Are you quite finished now?” I demanded.

 The girl looked too adorable as she excitedly nodded and said, “Yep!  She’s promised to return home tonight, so all is well!  Crisis averted!”

 Was she protecting the beetle, knowing it was rare?  Could she actually communicate with it?  I shook my head as I started walking.  I would get nowhere if I allowed myself to continue this line of thought.  Aaliyah would kill me in a heartbeat if I revealed her secret to anyone, she might well kill me just for discovering another one.

 “You do know that as the owner of the company you <i>do</i> have a say in the schedule.” I pointedly told James, settling on a safer line of thought.  “I realize that Aaliyah is a marvelous secretary, but don’t you rely on her a bit heavily?”

 I was dramatically understating things, but telling James he was being deceived wouldn’t get me anywhere.  Unfortunately, his trust in Aaliyah grew by the day.

 “You do realize that I can’t keep up with her at all, don’t you?” he asked.  “The amount of work Aaliyah does in her free time is mind-boggling.”

 “Quite, but aren’t you making enough to spend more time managing and less time in the field, babysitting your employee?” I pointed out, perfectly well aware that I couldn’t come close to keeping up with her either.

 “But the boss-man likes his job, Alpy!” exclaimed Aaliyah.

 I really disliked that nickname.

 “You shouldn’t bully him when he’s finally having some fun with his life.” she continued.

 I started to argue, pointing out that James had been having a sufficient amount of fun merely playing her game, but he was being oblivious when I tried to get him to confirm the point.  What was distracting him now!?

 Gently squeezing his hand, I asked “James, are you even listening?”

 “Sorry.” he stated, blinking and looking at me.  “Was thinking about stuff.  You wouldn’t believe how strained my head’s felt of late, having to communicate with a fey so frequently.”

 I nodded and said, “I actually appreciate the fairy’s company during your lessons.  I never would’ve guessed quite how skilled you are with multitasking without seeing you attempt to fight, chat with her, and maintain a spell.  You’ve been improving quite satisfactorily.  However, I do still maintain that the fairy should not be allowed off your yard, particularly out of that forest.  Can you imagine what she’d do to some daft bloke that attempted to mug you?”

 If someone managed to harm the little creature, we’d both be quite devastated.  She was probably the last of her kind.  As pointless as her conversation regularly was, she always brought smiles and laughter.  I really would miss her if she were gone.

 “I am getting better at communicating with her, you know.  I might be able to persuade her to stay out of it.” argued James.

 “Alpy, want to hire a mugger and test it!?  We can place bets and everything!” suggested Aaliyah.

 “I’ll never speak with either of you again if you hire a criminal to attack me.” he told her, attempting to appear quite put off by the notion.

 “Come now, James.  We would just be having a little fun.” I teased.

 He stared at me in that way which encouraged an urge to embrace him.  I wished he wasn’t so fragile...  I could literally hug him to death with next to no effort.  I refrained from further acknowledging the urge and instead started speaking of his staff, gently pointing out ways he might be able to guide them more.

 “Here we are.” I stated, having walked another block.  “This will only take a few minutes, but please make yourself comfortable.”

 Anna worked for me, using her antique business to aid in finding non-humans to investigate.  She barely started discussing this month’s leads when I realized James seemed to grow cold in the other room.  Whatever could be troubling him?  He was shivering!

 “Boss-man, sir?  What’s wrong?” asked Aaliyah.

 The way James grabbed her protectively against his chest worried me too much.  I dashed into the room and inquired “James, whatever is the matter?”

 “I’m… well… I’m fine, so far as there’s nothing physically wrong with me.” he assured me with a tremor in his voice.

 I didn’t think he was lying, considering I could find no wound.

 “Anna, might I trouble you for some tea?” I asked loudly enough for Anna to hear from the other room.

 “I want some too!” exclaimed Aaliyah, her voice muffled behind James’ arm.

 He released her, saying, “I’m so sorry.  I wasn’t trying to suffocate you.”

 “Don’t worry, boss-man, sir.  Everything’s fine!” she assured him.

 Everything was most certainly not fine.  What happened!?  I needed to be more delicate.  James looked on edge, and his mind was quite obviously not with us at the moment.

 I gently touched his shoulder to get his attention before saying, “James, you can talk with me.  What happened?’

 He looked from me to Aaliyah.  Was he not wanting to say something in front of her?  He seemed to be considering a long time and concern was clearly on his face.

 “Aaliyah, will you cover your ears until the tea is out?” I asked, knowing she’d hear us from half a block away with ease.  “I’ll give you the last of my chocolates if you don’t listen to us for the next couple minutes.”

 She grinned and nodded, looking every bit the adorable child she pretended to be.  She might well be gouging out her own eardrums at the moment, though I didn’t sense anything of the sort.  A deal was struck though, so she would adhere to it.

 “I really don’t see how covering her ears will stop her from hearing us.” stated James.

 I sighed and explained, “Due to her condition, she is quite capable of turning off her hearing.  We made a deal some time ago that she’d do so for me whenever she covered her ears.  Now please explain what happened to frighten you.”

 I was well aware of some type of machinery inside her, but the entire form was a ruse.  The machinery seemed nonsensical at best and changed periodically.

 James looked embarrassed as he said, “I saw Death’s daughter when I looked in one of the mirrors.  She killed someone outside, and I just started shaking.  I couldn’t help it.”

 What was she playing at!?  Was she purposefully messing with us, or was there a bigger game afoot?  I had no doubt she could seem to be in two places at once to James.  Aaliyah was the fastest being known to me by an incredible margin.

 Trying to console James, I said, “Don’t feel bad.  You’ll meet few who aren’t traumatized by the sight of her.”  Then I inquired “Sorry, but I have to ask, were you holding Aaliyah the whole time?”

 “No.  I grabbed Aaliyah the moment I managed to look away.” he told me.

 I smirked and tried my best not to laugh.  I was relieved that James hadn’t gone completely crazy from the sight of her and amused that he was trying to protect the very being who terrified him.

 “Sorry.  Truly.  I’m terribly sorry.” I insisted, unable to explain to him why I was having difficulty containing my mirth.

 “What’s so funny?” he asked, looking as if he might laugh now.

 I started laughing, unable to keep the mirth inside any longer.  He was completely adorable.

 “I can’t help it.  You’ve seen some of what she can do, yet you were trying to protect her of all people?  James, I am sorry for laughing, but you’re ridiculous!” I explained, trying not to laugh anymore.

 He was laughing too hard to reply, possibly realizing how absurd the situation was to some degree.

 “Would you do the same for me if I would have been the one close at hand?” I asked after he calmed down some.

 He shrugged and said, “I’d probably hide behind you, honestly.”

 “Somewhat more sensible, but a bit less chivalrous, don’t you think?” I replied, not that I was disappointed in his response.  The idea of having him pull me protectively to his chest was simply at the forefront of my thoughts.

 Grabbing my hand, he said, “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you either.”

 I smiled as I gazed up at him.  His sincerity and kindness were admirable, even if they led him to rash judgements at times.  James was undeniably a splendid person.