#the first part of the series 3 finale having martha be humanity's last hope was SO GOOD bc it like kind of set her up as like

[aq2003]

series 3 is so frustrating because there is like a shining core of pure diamond underneath the problems . like conceptually it rocks so incredibly hard. but the problems

[noblechaton]

so I finished my rewatch of Doctor Who series 3 and wrote a bunch about it in my media thread and feel like crossposting it lol. just some scattershot thoughts in the fallout of the most mid series of the show yet - kinda like how I remembered

This one's really hard to rate, honestly

On one hand you have some of the very best episodes across the entire show's history, but on the other you have some genuinely hard to watch stories marred by overambition and/or just lazy writing

It all comes back to Martha, really, and how she's treated as an afterthought straight out of the gate. I understand the storyline at play here, I get what they were doing and even why they were doing it - but that doesn't make it fun to watch, or good. She deserved a lot better than she got here and the worst part is I think those behind the scenes sorta knew it.

She gets this fantastic introduction in Smith and Jones only to then immediately take a backseat in The Shakespeare Code (one of the worst of this era btw) and she just doesn't really get a chance to recover from that until it's way too late in the series and again, that's kind of the point, but it's also kind of a bad one. She's a rebound for the Doctor in a post-Rose universe but, rather her remain a match for the Doctor and maybe gradually find feelings for him, she's head over heels almost straight away and suffers for it. It's like they weren't sure if they could continue making the show without some sort of romantic angle but didn't want to commit to Martha in that way for one reason or another so they rushed that element so that, by the time it made sense, it was, again, way too late

I just don't really get it. Freema is a great actress, she has great chemistry with David and there was definitely something here. A doctor to help fix the Doctor's broken heart. But that's not really what we get, so much as the Doctor just gradually getting over it on his own and Martha just sort of being there. That there are multiple scenes across multiple episodes where he basically - if unintentionally, thoughtlessly- insults her to her face is just so baffling, it feels weird as a viewer and almost mean outright to the character of Martha herself, and kind of OOC for the Doctor.

Just such a shame because I love Martha. She's such a fun foil, so competent and compassionate and could certainly have stood toe to toe with the Doctor outright if they'd just let her more often than they didn't. That her being an afterthought is the story through her entire series and that she only overcomes it by the very end just feels so wrong.

More on the whole though, the series is also the most inconsistent yet. There's some rough stuff here like Shakespeare Code and 42, while the final episode of the series is so outright bad and stupid from a writing standpoint that I can't believe it didn't get another pass. But then, some of the best of the best are in here. Human Nature/Family of Blood is a fantastic story, Runaway Bride is another classic Christmas special and Blink is an outright masterpiece of an episode and might be the very best single episode there is for the entire show

The first two parts of the finale are pretty great too, Utopia does a great job of playing with expectations and the concepts of despair and hope while Sound of Drums is a great, desperate hour of the Doctor being properly backed into a corner due, in part, to his own hubris. Lazarus Experiment was a surprisingly great episode on rewatch, while I still mostly enjoyed Gridlock and the Dalek two parter as well. It's just that those that are even just solid aren't as solid as most of series 2 or even series 1, while there's some proper bad stories here too.

Last of the Time Lords in particular is just such a huge disappointment because it feels really clear that they'd built up the finale without much forethought in terms of how it would actually end. You can't let Earth stay decimated like it was, but what solution is there beyond walking it back? And that's exactly what they do. A big reset button for the whole world, with promises of trauma for those still on the Valiant (a literal helicarrier btw) that just aren't really followed up on that much. The only real consequence of the story is that the Doctor is, again, alone, but he'd felt detached from Martha all series long anyway.

Like yeah Martha's family has trauma to work through, but they never really appear again so it doesn't really matter. Jack's all smiles by the end after being tortured to death multiple times in a year. And the Master himself doesn't even stay dead. Nothing really changes and there's not much consequence to the Year that Never Was - which was the point of the reset button, but in turn it takes consequence away from the audience too.

It's a clear case of compelling, interesting and ambitious storytelling just getting the better of those involved and as such, Last of the Time Lords is easily the worst finale episode in this era at least. Just got too far ahead of themselves and didn't know what to do. Which is kind of how series 3 feels in general. As if they just didn't really know what to do about that Billie Piper shaped hole in the crew and spun the wheels for a bit, making for a very mixed bag of incredible highs and some real disappointing lows

Plenty to enjoy in this series even if it's all a bit duller, still perfectly fine television - just not what it could have been, with a lot of dropped balls and disappointments throughout. Watchable is a really good word for at least half of this series, like it's better than some stuff that gets put on TV these days but that doesn't really make it great.

Really the brightest side to the entire series being that series 4 is next and that is quite honestly, at least in my memory as of right now, the peak of the entire show to this point

[lodessa]

✨ 2022 Writing Year In Review ✨

Thanks to @feeisamarshmallow​ for tagging me! Sorry it took me a while to get to it!

1. Number of stories posted to AO3: 10

2. Word count posted for the year: 37,228

3. Fandoms I wrote for: Stranger Things, Star Trek: Voyager ( and a hint of Prodigy), Revolution, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Battlestar Galactica.

4. Pairings: Chrissy Cunningham/Eddie Munson, Kathryn Janeway/Chakotay Charlie Matheson/Miles Matheson, Faith Lehane/Buffy Summers, Lee "Apollo" Adama/Kara "Starbuck" Thrace"

5. Story with the most:

Kudos: Five Times No One Saw Eddie and Chrissy Together (No Make That Four) 303 Kudos on my entry into a new fandom.

Bookmarks: (See most kudos above) 47 Bookmarks

Comments: (Same) 20 Comment Threads.

6. Work I’m most proud of (and why):

"Don't Leave Me Dry" I think. There's something about writing a fic you know is going "bomb" but you just want to write it so much you do it anyway. I knew going into it that once again I was writing a problematic ship in a dead fandom, that would probably be commented on by @romeorevoarchive and one other person, but I was struck with one little moment, that kind of inspiration that usually gets trapped in the shower or car, and I went for it anyway and do you know what: I love the immediacy, the way I ended up using music to frame it, the characterization, the physicality, the rawness and tenderness that feels so quintessentially Miles and Charlie.

7. Work I’m least proud of (and why):. . .

This is maybe going to sound weird (or entitled and bratty) and also sound contradictory to what I said in the prior response, but. . . 23K of the 37k words I wrote were my three part More Normal Things series and part of me wishes I had just left that whole thing with the first part. While the hit count didn't drop that much between them, every other metric (kudos, comments, bookmarks) took a nose and it just makes me feel like I should have quit while I was ahead. Maybe I should have written the more flashy concept Hellcheer AUs I had instead of continuing to just explore their dynamic. Maybe I should have just been pleased with the amazing welcome to the fandom I got on that first fic and moved on after that positive little moment. There are things I really liked about those second two parts, but it is obvious that readers felt diminishing returns, and that makes me wish I had updated any of my other series or WIPs instead.

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Is it cheating to choose a whole series of comments I received / comment conversation I had in response to Salvation and Rapture For the Lonely? They started with this gem

and only got better from there. When I finally posted my Martha/Nine epic in 2018, I knew that it was ten years late and a super niche pairing to begin with, but it was my hope that at least one person out there would stumble upon it and be really excited for the same reasons that most people would not be interested at all, and in the last four years that is exactly what has happened a handful of times. This wonderful human left effusive, detailed, comments on every chapter and then responded to my rambling replies in a way that gave me that high of finding someone who just GETS IT.

9. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Most of the year, honestly. I really struggled to write anything most of the time (pretty much the only time writing was really flowing was August).

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: 

I definitely didn't see Hellcheer as a ship (or writing anything for Stranger Things) coming. If you had told me that my new ship in 2022 would be some freshly introduced high school kids from a single episode of the show, I would have been skeptical.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

From "Whispered" :

“Going to take more than that to get rid of me, Summers.” Faith feels herself smile, mostly because it hurts to move her face that much.

“Good,” Buffy smiles back, doing that lip biting thing that is a suggestion and a protestation of innocence at the same time. Perfect. Humanizing. Prudish. Primal. The reluctant hero. The girl who knows or doesn’t know she’s hot. “We still have a First Evil to defeat.”

We. When was the last time either of them actually believed that even existed? Had Buffy ever? Or was it only Faith who even wanted that to be true? No. Buffy just wanted everyone to play by her rules, not the other way around. Sometimes, Faith even wished she could do that, be relegated to a sidekick instead of a problem. If there’s one constant in the world it is me being a disruption, a wrinkle in someone’s perfect life… No. She reminds herself. I don’t have to be. I can be different.

Buffy is looking at her, really looking at her, and Faith wonders what she sees. She must look like shit. Feeling superior as usual, B? she thinks, but that’s not really what she sees in her expression. If I’m vulnerable, so are you. That it? She’s not sure that’s quite right either, but no more comforting thought is coming to mind, so she looks away.

12. How did you grow as a writer this year: 

Honestly 2022 was pretty much a fallow year for me as a writer. I suspect I won't see what changed in my writing until I am looking back on it from the perspective of what I write in 2023.

13. How do you hope to grow next year:

I would really like to get better at being able to push through and get words typed more consistently even when they are not flowing.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): 

@romeorevoarchive who held my hand through everything I wrote or didn't write this year and even read some fic for a fandom she doesn't care about. Also special shout out to @anverli for the visual inspiration for (Don't Leave Me Dry) and many people but especially @phoenixwrites for the enthusiastic welcome to Hellcheer.

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Probably the most personal work I wrote this year was Exhausted Midas. I've been feeling really overwhelmed and burnt out, both like I need and want to do more and like I need to cut back on my commitments. I've been dropping a lot of balls. It is hard not to feel like this is who I am now, and I feel like that's a lot of what I was exploring with this character study of Janeway, pre-Prodigy.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

This isn't new but here are a few reminders for myself and others:

Just because you are struggling to write right now doesn't mean you will never write again. Try to relax. Read. Trust that inspiration and focus will come together again someday.

Learn to scale down the scope of a writing project, just because "what happens" is big, doesn't mean you need to show it all: skip to the most interesting part, do abrupt transitions if you need to, add flashbacks if you need context instead of writing thousands of words to get to that critical detail

Find a buddy you can talk through the process with while writing, someone who you can send snippets to, someone you can bounce ideas off of, someone to make you feel less alone and in your own head.

Sit down and do flash fiction based on any prompt. There's something about just finding a way to make some constraint work and typing out whatever you can in what sitting before setting it loose on the world.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Last week, I came across a list from two years ago with 20 things on it. I had actually written and posted 1, which means who knows what will happen but right now:

I would really like to update (and possibly even finish) one of my major partly posted WIPS: k'war'ma'khon (my Georgiou!lives Discovery AU) and Dragon Marked (my soulmarks, reincarnation, modern with some magic Dany/Jorah epic).

I would like to complete my long planned sequels for The Smallest Twine (my Janeway and Chakotay meet before the end of the Cardassian War and that changes EVERYTHING AU . . . though it makes me sad to think about how Laura inspired it all and she's not here to enjoy the rest of it now) and the next installment of Balancing Act (my Logan/Veronica/Weevil threesome + series)

I would like to finally finish and post some of the in progress fics that have been languishing in my Google Drive for years, including but not limited to: the Veronica Mars Season 3 AU I started in 2014, the Greek Myth AU Janeway/Chakotay fic, my Jaime/Brienne, Sansa/Aegon, Davos/Jon Connington ASOIAF solution.

Some fic ideas I have not actually written, including but not limited to: Miles gets swapped with an alternate timeline version of himself Revo fic, Hellcheer Room With a View AU, that BtVS/Punisher crossover fic with Faith/Billy Russo (okay that pairing actually the whole idea), my inevitable Elendil/Mirael fic.

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read.

Let's go with: @clarasimone, @liminal-zone, @janiedean, and @lilalbatross but anyone who wants to do this, should

[libertyreads]

August TBR--

August is going to be the month of SciFi apparently. This is because I was given access to an ARC of the new Murderbot Diaries novella that comes out later this year. Which means I need to speed up my reread of this series. I’m also continuing with my reread of the Skyward series in preparation for the final book later this year. But I’m going to try to leave a lot of my reading open for the month so I can have less pressure on myself and the ability to mood read books from my physical TBR and the TBR I have with my library. Let’s get into the books I plan on reading.

1. Fence: Disarmed by Sarah Rees Brennan-- This was sadly the only book in Fence that I couldn’t find at my local library so I had to purchase it instead. This book is based on the comics from C.S. Pacat about a group of boys who fence at a boarding school. The comics were great on their own but I had such a good time reading the book that comes before this one. I am sad, however, that this is the last work about these characters that I have left to read.

2. Sunreach by Brandon Sanderson and Janci Patterson-- This is the first novella in the Skyward series. I’m rereading the entire series in order to prep for the final book coming out in November. This follows Spensa who wants to become a pilot for her country’s military but her father’s reputation as a coward holds her back. This comes after the first two books in the series so I won’t dive too far into the synopsis. I will say that this one follows a secondary character and keeps us in the loop of what’s happening while Spensa is being a badass.

3. Exit Strategy by Martha Wells-- This is the fourth book in the Murderbot Diaries. You all have heard me go on and on about this series so I’ll keep it short. We follow a SecUnit that has hacked their governor module. They can do anything they want now. But it seems like what they want to do is keep saving stupid humans and keep watching their serials. Murderbot is anxious and socially inept (but who am I to judge really?) and they also keep finding themselves falling head first into conspiracy after conspiracy.

4. Home: Habitat, Range, Niche, Territory by Martha Wells (Kindle)-- This is the only currently published Murderbot that I haven’t read yet. This is a 12 page story following Dr. Mensah and the events of Exit Strategy. A human perspective on Murderbot? I’m interested. It’s listed as #4.5 in the series so hopefully I didn’t NEED to have read this before the full length novel.

5. Network Effect by Martha Wells-- This is the only full length novel in the Murderbot Diaries and it’s still following our favorite SecUnit. If I remember rightly, this also has one of the most heartwarming scenes in the series in it. So I’m really looking forward to rereading. I’ll probably read this closer to the middle of the month while the other two will probably be read back to back.

6. The Unspoken Name by A.K. Larkwood (Kindle)-- Csorwe has always known how and when she will die. She’ll climb the mountain, enter the Shrine, and become a sacrifice. But on the day of her foretold death, she is given a new fate from a powerful mage: to become the wizard’s sword-hand--stealing, spying, and killing to help him reclaim his seat of power in the homeland from which he was exiled. From the GoodReads: “Csorwe and the wizard will soon learn--gods remember, and if you live long enough, all debts come due.” Let’s freaking go my dudes. I love it. I hope the part about the gods is really about some gods who she has to defeat some how. I’m excited to throw some Fantasy in the mix with all this Sci-Fi.

7. Moorewood Family Rules by Helenkay Dimon (Library)-- I saw this one on my library app and I’m really hoping I can get a chance to read it this month. I keep seeing it pop up as available and then unavailable the next day so I’ll have to keep an eye on it. This one was pitched as Kives Out and Ocean’s 8 meets The Nest. This one is about a woman who returns home from prison to her dysfunctional con artist family and tries to get them to go legit. (Okay, is that ringing The Company You Keep bells for anyone else? Just me? Okay.) I’m excited to see where this one goes. It’s listed as both a Mystery and a Romance so that could be good, as long as it’s done well.

[comeallyelost]

The Handmaid’s Tale 3x08 Thoughts

I think I'm getting a clearer picture of where this season is headed, but the way they are going about it is not at all ideal. 

Four sections to this post:

June

Aunt Lydia

General Episode Notes

The Racism Problem

1. On June’s Sanity

The plot is barely moving forward, but we're seeing more of June's descent into madness/ desperation and her loss of humanity as a result of losing her closest allies. (I'm gonna loop in Serena and Nick here because for a while at least, I think June believed Serena was in her camp post pinky-finger). 

So based on the looks of things, Nick's absence and ambiguity HAS to be intentional since it's having a direct effect on June's ability to cope with the horrors of Gilead.

This episode most definitely was used to paint June as the villain and Natalie/OfMatthew as the victim. They turned it around on us, implying that anyone can go mad here, even our protagonist whom we've been rooting for this entire time. And like, I don't really want to draw too many parallels here, because the development has been a better on THT and there is a much more tangled web of *things* going on, but I'm getting similar "mad queen" Dany vibes that were happening on Game of Thrones.

But honestly, what irks me most about this whole season is how we all came in expecting a season about the resistance. About Mayday, about June fighting back. June STAYED in Gilead for a reason. For Hannah. Or so we thought. Where is that narrative? We've gotten nothing so far. 

I would argue that it does makes sense for June's character to go darker, to go to extremes she would have never considered before. Especially without someone to anchor her down. Nick was her rock and he's gone. Not just physically, but in her mind she feels like she lost the person she thought he was. HOWEVER, just because these elements were removed, it serves no point for her to stray in this direction and lose sight of her daughter, of the fight against Gilead.  The handmaids this episode played out like a Mean Girls skit and poor Janine is this series' punching dummy and I'm getting tired of that.

Side note: Another facet of June’s spiral is the lack of flashbacks. Her ties to Luke, Hannah, Moira, and her life from before are fading. Nick keeping her sane and helping her survive in present Gilead was one side, but her ties to her humanity are also very much embedded in the person she was before. She may not be the same June, but it’s those memories that keep her fighting, that keep her going. And I don’t think we’ve seen a flashback since like...the beginning of ep 5 if I’m not mistaken.

It's been EIGHT episodes gdi. What do we have left? Five? I sincerely hope they're not wasted. But my hope is dwindling. Watching this week's ep I honestly felt like I was watching an entirely different show from the one I was so obsessed with last year.

2. On Aunt Lydia’s backstory

Yay! Woohoo we finally get a backstory for someone new. Except it’s Aunt Lydia, and I don’t think I ever found her compelling enough to merit a backstory. 

What I mean is, I always found her to be as pious as they come in Gilead and she serves the regime wholeheartedly. Her character was always finding a way to help others in some twisted radical christian logic and I was right!

What I do keep seeing people post about that I disagree with is that she “turned” on the young mom because she was rejected by a man. Her motivations are more complex than that. She mentions “moral weakness” enough that I think her compulsion to help others in the way she thought she was helping Noelle was to rid them of it. She thought herself above it, or at least she carried herself as someone who overcame moral weakness and thought it her calling to help others in overcoming it as well. 

So when she found herself displaying it towards the principal, I think something snapped in her. His rejection in the middle of their (intense) make-out session served as a wakeup call to her imo. And she blamed Noelle for making her “morally weak”.

So what we can draw from this flashback I’d say, is that Aunt Lydia’s whole schtick is helping others overcome their moral weakness as she puts it. She truly believes she is doing God’s work. She was totally okay with taking Noelle’s kid away from her. And so the brutalities she’s committed as an Aunt are not seen by her as such. She fits right in. A perfect fit for the role.

3. Thoughts I had while watching the Ep: - the chanting scene in the school gym felt like a nightmare/dream sequence - June’s posse is super clique-y which I kind of like if only they used their powers for the good of the resistance and not to terrorize OfMatthew/Natalie - June tattling on OfMatthew/Natalie was super petty. Can she please focus on the bigger picture? - Hannah and the Mackenzie’s are GONE. What now? I really really thought we were gonna see Hannah get out this season. - Janine is literally the only sane one and yet probably the one who has suffered most - Commander Lawrence's "Do not presume to speak to me about my wife" last episode versus. "I'll bet that felt good" this week - I didn’t quite understand OfMatthew’s behavior. I know she was terrified, and I know June outing her for her sinful thoughts rattled her, but her being on edge enough to beat Janine, kill a guardian, and take his gun? What broke her? - I also hated how that scene was filmed. It felt like a shooter video game sequence

4. On the racism problem:

THT's "colorblind" approach from the inception of the series was already problematic. Margaret Atwood's version of Gilead was based directly on the inequalities she saw in (her) present day. I completely get rejecting the notion of an all-white cast and their logic that a fertility crisis would take priority over racism, but hell, if there is one thing that is inherently american, it's RACISM. A fertility crisis wouldn't ERASE racism altogether. And that's how Hulu's version made it seem. 

Also, another element of Atwood's Gilead and the fertility issue was the underlying eugenics of it all which is not present whatsoever in the series. If we're exploring a fascist, oppressive regime, eugenics is definitely playing some sort of role. Casting a diverse group of women as handmaids and marthas was not a bad move. But simply having the POC ones making the background more "colorful" won't cut it. I think there could still have been a diverse cast with some sort of oppressive racial hierarchy in place within Gilead. The LGBTQ community is targeted, the women are entirely powerless and assigned roles within certain constructs, but they won't even mention race? It's like an unspoken elephant in the room they've decided to ignore. Which then makes all the actions against POC in the series that much more unsettling.

I'm questioning whether this racism is intentional then? Or just a consequence of the ingrained, learned racism we've all grown up with. Either way, it's a complete disaster. Diversity is not just seeing POCs onscreen. It's GIVING THEM A VOICE. It's letting them tell their version of things. Serena as the embodiment of white feminism, I thought, was intentional at first. June's ability to get away with SO MUCH and suffer hardly any consequences in this awful regime, I'm thinking now, is another example of white privilege in this society. And it can be. It would actually be a great tool IF IT WERE ACTUALLY ADDRESSED IN THE SERIES. But instead we just see POCs suffer, get no back stories, no voices, and just see June, Serena, and the other white handmaids carrying the series.

This episode we did get Aunt Lydia saying one of the households didn't want a handmaid of color. So there we had a teeny tiny glimpse into the fact that there is some underlying racism going on somewhere. But again, like all of the other snippets we've seen this season, it leads to nothing. It's not explored or examined or ever addressed again.

I was skeptical of OfMatthew's (Natalie) role as June's partner from the get go. No one here is doing anything except trying to survive. There are imo few actual villains in Gilead except those who constructed it for their own gain. Every single handmaid, martha, ~insert oppressed role in here~ is playing a role in order to survive. 

I've mentioned before that one of the elements I love (or maybe loved in past tense at this point) about this show is how it highlights humanity's capacity to endure suffering or see others endure suffering. When do you snap? Who falls in line and who resists? What are the triggers? What moral standards do you uphold when society as you knew it to be has been erased?  

So taking all that into consideration, OfMatthew/Natalie was never a villain for me. Annoying? Maybe in her intro. But she's popped out 3 kids. She's about to give birth to a 4th and is legit terrified for her daughter. Her snitching on June was shitty, but she was just trying to survive like everyone else. The fact that it cost the life of another martha (who was a POC) and June faced no repercussions was even shittier on the writers’ part.

This show has me going in circles honestly. Questioning whether these decisions were intentional or not. I don't know which one is worse. If it was intentional, the lack of actually addressing the racism in Gilead makes it pretty shitty on the part of the showrunners. If it was unintentional, then they really need to reexamine the writers room and staff more POCs. Like wtf.

[tardisgirlepic]

Ch. 3: “The Eaters of Light” Analysis Doctor Who S10.10: Growing Up, Love & Separation, the Doctor’s Fall

<- Read previous chapter

Growing Up as a Theme

One of the themes of “The Eaters of Light” was about growing up, which can be tied to the cowardice theme from last week’s episode, “The Empress of Mars.”  Growing up can be metaphorical or literal.

Coming of age, facing fears, taking responsibility have all been part of the growing up theme.  In “The Eaters of Light,” we have Roman soldiers who are no older than 18 years.  The Picts were children, too.  Where were all the adults?  While 2nd century Roman Britain had different standards of age and fighting in wars, I’ll apply the coming of age, facing fears, and taking responsibility to them.

Last week, we had Colonel Godsacre stepping up and facing his fear of leadership to take responsibility.

“Amy’s Choice”

Amy and Rory had an interesting conversation in “Amy’s Choice.”  Rory, Amy, and the Doctor are dealing with the Dream Lord and the dream in the TARDIS. ��However, Rory wants the life where they are settled and have a baby.  He was happy in the dream where he was a doctor and Amy was pregnant, but she wasn’t.  Rory’s feeling insecure that Amy wants to stay with the Doctor in the TARDIS.

RORY: You ran off with another man. AMY: Not in that way. RORY: It was the night before our wedding. AMY: We're in a time machine. It can be the night before our wedding for as long as we want. RORY: We have to grow up eventually. AMY: Says who?

I did not expect Amy’s answer about growing up.

“Human Nature” & “The Family of Blood”

The 10th Doctor, playing the 24th turned himself human to hide, and now he doesn’t want to go back to being a Time Lord.  At the end of “The Family of Blood,” the Doctor wants to give the beings who are after him the watch with his Time Lord consciousness, so he can remain human:

DOCTOR: I should have thought of it before. I can give them this. Just the watch. Then they can leave and I can stay as I am. MARTHA: You can't do that!

DOCTOR: If they want the Doctor, they can have him.

MARTHA: He'll never let you do it.

DOCTOR: If they get what they want, then, then

JOAN: Then it all ends in destruction. I never read to the end, but those creatures would live forever to breed and conquer, for war across the stars for every child. Martha, Timothy, would you leave us alone, please?

(Martha and Latimer leave. Joan hugs a sobbing Doctor. The bombardment on the village continues as Martha and Latimer sit outside, then she hugs him.)

JOAN: If I could do this instead of you, then I would. I'd hoped. But my hopes aren't important.

DOCTOR: He won't love you.

The Doctor wants to stay human, so he can love Joan, marry, and have a family.  This suggests the 12th Doctor is having this problem.  In fact, in the Doctor’s living quarters, there is a bowl of apples (yellow arrow) and a snake (white arrow) in the background, showing the temptations of the Doctor as a human in the Garden of End metaphor. The Roman crosses represent the 12th Doctor or multiple, thereof.  The human is the imposter and must fall.  And that foreshadows what is coming.

The 12th Doctor

Missy and the Master are examples of what the Doctor can become, and with the mirrors, that’s a scary thought.  The Doctor needs to face his fear of himself, which resulted in his memory wipe. 

The 1st Doctor & Susan

Susan represents a coming of age.  She was becoming a young woman and developed a relationship with David Campbell. Wanting to see her have a normal life, the 1st Doctor left her with David in the 22nd century with a promise. 

DOCTOR: Believe me, my dear, your future lies with David, and not with a silly old buffer like me. One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine. Goodbye, Susan, goodbye, my dear.

Love & Separation as a Theme

Love and separation come up in “The Eaters of Light” with Kar leaving her brother behind to guard the gateway to another dimension and fight the Eaters of Light.  However, love and separation has been a theme for a long time.  There’s Rose with the 9th Doctor and then the 10th.  Sarah Jane, too, complained to the 10th Doctor, how he as the 4th Doctor just dropped her off in Aberdeen and never came back.

Regarding River, we first heard about her feeling of separation back in “The Name of the Doctor.”   Of course, there is THORS, TRODM, and the 12th Doctor losing both Clara and River.  Season 10 is no exception.  Not only is Clara’s absence still a problem, but Bill, too, lost Heather, and then there’s Penny.

There’s also the open question of Bill’s mother.

And there are other examples.

We saw above how love and separation goes all the way back to the 1st Doctor and Susan. I’m betting with the theme coming up so much that we will see her, either in the finale or the Christmas Special. This seems like such a great family-oriented reunion, which would be fantastic for Christmas.

I especially believe this theme will come up in the finale and maybe Christmas special because Kar and Ban aren’t the only references in the episode to love and separation. There are several important external allusions, which lead to the expulsion from paradise.

The Opening: Visions of Outlander with Its Doctor Who Connection

The opening of “The Eaters of Light” seems so similar to the series Outlander, where Claire goes to Scotland and encounters ancient Celtic, stone monuments, called standing stones that broadcast sound, reminiscent of the Celtic music we hear in “The Eaters of Light.”

If you are not familiar with Outlander, it’s a series of novels that has been turned into a British-American TV series.  While I watch the TV series, I’ve only read the 1st novel.  Wikipedia says of the novels:

Outlander (published in the United Kingdom as Cross Stitch) is the first in a series of eight historical multi-genre novels by Diana Gabaldon. Published in 1991, it focuses on the Second World War-era nurse Claire Randall, who travels through time to 18th century Scotland and finds adventure and romance with the dashing Jamie Fraser.

From the beginning of the plot summary:

In 1946, after working apart during the Second World War, British Army nurse Claire Randall and her husband Frank, a history professor, go on a second honeymoon to Inverness, Scotland. Frank conducts research into his family history and Claire goes plant-gathering near standing stones on the hill of Craigh na Dun. She faints when investigating a buzzing noise near the stones; upon waking, she encounters Frank's ancestor, Captain Jack Randall.

When Claire, an Englishwoman, investigates the buzzing noise, she touches one of the ancient Celtic stones and gets transported back to Scotland in 1743. She finds herself in the middle of a skirmish between rebel Scottish Highlanders and Redcoats. 

After various events and several hardships, she marries Jamie.  While she still wears Frank’s ring on one hand, maintaining hopes of getting back to him, she wears Jamie’s on the other.  Because Frank’s ancestor the captain was a rapist and sadist, who treated the Scots as sub-humans, it does color Claire’s situation. Encountering the captain on several occasions, she witnessed his behavior first hand.  Jamie has had several encounters, too, some showing the captain in a most sadistic light.

Claire embraces most of the Scottish culture and comes to see the British as occupiers, another form of usurpation.  At one point, we did see her back in the present with a daughter by Jamie.  So Claire is living in 2 worlds.  She loves both men, but love has split them apart.

Gabaldon really liked DW’s 2nd Doctor companion Jamie Frasier, so she named her romantic lead character after him.  Doing extensive historical research for the series, she has become a noted expert on 18th century Scotland.  Her novels center on the time period of British occupation of Scottish lands, along with the skirmishes and events leading up to the 1745 Jacobite Rebellion.  Outlander gives us another usurpation reference, too.

According to HistoryExtra.com:

The 1745 Jacobite Rebellion was a turning point in British history. Believing the British throne to be his birthright, Charles Edward Stuart, aka ‘Bonnie Prince Charlie’, planned to invade Great Britain along with his Jacobite followers and remove the Hanoverian ‘usurper’ George II. Yet, argues Dr Jacqueline Riding, the reality of the ’45 continues to be obscured by fiction and fables.  

…

In June 1745, Charles Edward Stuart (b1720) had one key aim: regaining the thrones his grandfather, the Roman Catholic convert James VII of Scotland and II of England and Ireland, had lost in 1688–90 to his nephew and son-in-law William of Orange (who reigned as William III). This ‘glorious’ revolution had confirmed a Protestant succession, in a predominantly Protestant Great Britain, which, from 1714, was embodied in the Hanoverian dynasty.

The term “usurper” depends on which side of the rebellion one is on.  The English called Charles “The Young Pretender.”  The problem comes back to religion, the English Reformation, and Henry VIII’s break with the Catholic Church. 

Clearly, there is a theme of love and separation, as well as occupation, in both “The Eaters of Light” and in Outlander. 

In fact, Kar pours out her heart out about the usurpation by the Romans, which in some sense reminds me of River in THORS:

KAR: Let me tell you about the Romans. They are the robbers of this world. When they've thieved everything on land, they'll rob the sea. If their enemies are rich, they'll take all they have. If their enemies are poor, they'll make slaves of them. Their work is robbery, slaughter, plunder. They do this work and they call it empire. They make deserts and they call it peace.

The Doctor, having both Roman and Scottish connections, gets another ear full.  Clearly, the usurpation applies but most likely the 2 worlds for the Doctor are represented by the 10th Doctor’s dilemma of human vs. being a Time Lord.

We saw the dilemma with Bill and Heather no longer being human.

The Subtle Knife

When I watched “The Eaters of Light” with my daughter, she mentioned that it seemed similar to The Subtle Knife, a young-adult fantasy novel, written by British author Philip Pullman and published in 1997.  I’ve never read the book, or any of the 3 books in Pullman’s series His Dark Materials.  However, from what my daughter said, “The Eaters of Light” referenced it, so I checked it out.

It’s much like the Outlander series in that someone jumps into a portal and enters a different world, so to speak.  According to Wikipedia, in the second novel in the series:

Twelve-year-old Will Parry cares for his mentally ill mother in Oxford. When he accidentally kills an intruder, he runs away and discovers a portal to a parallel universe. In the seemingly deserted city of Cittàgazze, he encounters 12-year-old Lyra Silvertongue and her dæmon Pantalaimon, who arrived via a bridge in the sky created by her father, Lord Asriel.

The editorial review on Amazon says

As the novel opens, Will's enemies will do anything for information about his missing father, a soldier and Arctic explorer who has been very much airbrushed from the official picture. Now Will must get his mother into safe seclusion and make his way toward Oxford, which may hold the key to John Parry's disappearance. But en route and on the lam from both the police and his family's tormentors, he comes upon a cat with more than a mouse on her mind: "She reached out a paw to pat something in the air in front of her, something quite invisible to Will." What seems to him a patch of everyday Oxford conceals far more: "The cat stepped forward and vanished." Will, too, scrambles through and into another oddly deserted landscape--one in which children rule and adults (and felines) are very much at risk. Here in this deathly silent city by the sea, he will soon have a dustup with a fierce, flinty little girl: "Her expression was a mixture of the very young--when she first tasted the cola--and a kind of deep, sad wariness." Soon Will and Lyra (and, of course, her dæmon, Pantalaimon) uneasily embark on a great adventure and head into greater tragedy.

Will and Lyra are forced to retrieve a special knife that has the ability to cut into other worlds and through any material.  So here’s another reference to a doorway and a world ruled by children, like we saw in “The Eaters of Light.”  Will and Lyra fall in love, but staying in a parallel universe that isn’t their own threatens the destruction of that universe.  So Will can’t stay in the end.

This sounds similar to what happened with Bill and Heather at the end of “The Pilot.”  And the song from the episode “Love Will Tear Us Apart” seems highly appropriate.

Will’s father being a soldier and explorer may give us some information about the Doctor, but not having read the series, I’m going to leave it at this.  If you’ve read the book and have some ideas, let me know.

The Doctor’s Fall: Paradise Lost & His Dark Materials

Pullman took the title of the series, His Dark Materials, from English poet John Milton’s epic poem, Paradise Lost, first published in 1667.  According to Wikipedia:

The poem concerns the biblical story of the Fall of Man: the temptation of Adam and Eve by the fallen angel Satan and their expulsion from the Garden of Eden. Milton's purpose, stated in Book I, is to "justify the ways of God to men."

Pullman’s series, from what I gather, is a reimagining of Paradise Lost for teenagers.  In fact, His Dark Materials comes from Paradise Lost, along with the title of his first book of the series, The Golden Compass.

The continuing theme of expulsion from paradise, which we’ve seen multiple times in Season 10 regarding the Doctor, is foreshadowing the Doctor’s fall. 

Anyway, His Dark Materials is a really interesting phrase, especially since we saw the record label in “The Pilot” that the Doctor had is a famous trademark: His Master’s Voice, shown below.

Tip: When 2 pieces of subtext sound similar, especially with odd spellings or phrasing, they may very well be related.  This is an exception to our rule requiring 3 occurrences to make a pattern.

I didn’t have time in “The Pilot” analysis to explain more about the label because it’s part of a complicated set of metaphors.  The metaphors were very relevant to the “Smile” analysis, so I explained more about the label there.  Long story short, it leads to the parody of the painting The Creation of the World and the Expulsion from Paradise.

Since this all lines up in various ways, I have no doubt my daughter is right about The Subtle Knife connection to “The Eaters of Light.” There’s much more that connects that we’ll examine below.

The Fallen Angel Theme & the Legend of the Blue Box

I’ve wanted to talk about the fallen angel theme for a long time, but I haven’t because of time. However, I need to now, especially because this comes up in multiple ways in “The Eaters of Light.”  And it ties back into several other things we’ve examined.  The Vestal Virgin 2nd Class and the angel reference, as well as the demon and sainted physician from the Legend of the Blue Box.

The big reference to Satan in DW is in the 10th Doctor Ood story “The Satan Pit.” However, it’s Satan’s name “Lucifer” that is of interest here.  I want to draw a distinction between Satan and Lucifer, which I’ll explain in a few minutes. 

The Name Lucifer & DW Characters with Derivative Names

Lucifer literally is "the morning star, bearer of light," derived from luc-, lux "light" and -fer "bearing."

According to Merriam Webster’s Word Central,

What we sometimes call "the morning star" is really the planet Venus. The Romans called it Lucifer, meaning "bearer of light," because it appeared in the sky just before sunrise. So when, in the Old Testament, the prophet Isaiah says, in describing the downfall of the king of Babylon, "How are you fallen from heaven, O Morning Star, son of dawn," the "Morning Star" became Lucifer in the Latin translation. Early Christians thought that Isaiah was also referring to the devil, who had likewise "fallen from heaven." Thus the word Lucifer came to be applied to the devil.

Lucifer was not always seen as the devil.  In fact, according to Wikipedia, 2 bishops of the early Christian Church bore the name Lucifer.  It goes on to say

In Latin, the word is applied to John the Baptist and is used as a title of Jesus himself in several early Christian hymns. The morning hymn Lucis largitor splendide of Hilary contains the line: "Tu verus mundi lucifer" (you are the true light bringer of the world).

In fact, it’s only later that Lucifer came to be used as a proper name:

Later Christian tradition came to use the Latin word for "morning star," lucifer, as a proper name ("Lucifer") for the devil; as he was before his fall. As a result, "'Lucifer' has become a by-word for Satan / the Devil in the church and in popular literature", as in Dante Alighieri's Inferno, Joost van den Vondel's Lucifer and John Milton's Paradise Lost. However, the Latin word never came to be used almost exclusively, as in English, in this way, and was applied to others also, including Jesus. The image of a morning star fallen from the sky is generally believed among scholars to have a parallel in Canaanite mythology.

I’m making a distinction, and I can best show you why with an example.  The Doctor going hell bent through the universe and causing its destruction could easily be seen as Satan.  However, what if the Doctor is in a universe, like alternate-Donna in “Turn Left,” that needs to die to restore the real universe?  He could be seen as Satan in one and a savior in another.

Because DW uses derivative names with the Latin roots luc- and lux, they relate to the name Lucifer.  For now, I don’t want to apply judgment of good or evil to these characters. I can’t think of any instance where people with the Latin roots luc- and lux in their names are not also mirrors or dark mirrors of the Doctor.

Here are just a few examples of characters related to Lucifer.

Lucius in “The Eaters of Light” Lucius, for example in “The Eaters of Light,” comes from the Latin root lux and the Latin verb lucere "to shine." So he has a connection to Lucifer. In fact Lucius was also called “Granddad,” which Bill questioned

THRACIUS: Why are you even listening to her, Grandad? LUCIUS: Because no one else is saying anything. We need a plan. A real commander would have a plan. BILL: Why did he call you Grandad? LUCIUS: They always call me Grandad. I'm in command. I'm the oldest one left. BILL: How old are you? LUCIUS: Eighteen.

“Granddad” is a metaphor for the Doctor, so Lucius is a mirror of the Doctor.  He is foreshadowing what is going to happen.

He integrates in a way with Kar to stand together to fight the bigger monster, although it’s a losing battle.  It’s the Doctor joining his duality together.

“The Fires of Pompeii” & Lucius Petrus Dextrus Lucius Petrus Dextrus was the Chief Augur of Pompeii in 79 AD, shown below, along with Peter Capaldi’s character Lobus Caecilius and his wife Metella.  He supported the Cult of Vulcan, who wanted to convert the population of the world into more Pyroviles.

Lucius has the gift of prophecy, so he is a dark mirror of the Doctor.

BTW, I’m not sure if I mentioned a wolf connection regarding Caecilius.  Lobus, while meaning lobe, pod, or husk in Latin, is very close to the Spanish word for wolf: lobo.

CAL: Charlotte Abigail Lux, “Silence in the Library” & “Forest of the Dead” We know CAL is a mirror of the Doctor, and her last name tells us this, too.  Not only that, but Charlotte Abigail Lux’s father, Felman Lux, built the Library for her.  Felman is an interesting name, especially when we are talking about the Fall of Man and the fall of the Doctor.

Strackman Lux was the grandson of Felman Lux, and the person who led River’s expedition into the Library. He said it took 3 generations to figure out how to get into the sealed Library.  He represents the 3rd, which corresponds to a triad of Doctors. Strackman, shown below from a TARDIS Wikia image, reminds me of Strax with that suit, and the name is really close.

“The Rebel Flesh” & “The Almost People”

Jennifer Lucas in “The Rebel Flesh” and “The Almost People” has luc- in her name.  In fact, Lucas is a cognate of Lucius.

In Conclusion

There is a lot of overlap of themes in this chapter of growing up; taking responsibility, which means getting kicked out of paradise; and falling.  I’m hanging onto my hat for the wild ride of how all of this foreshadows the finale.

[actual-bill-potts]

Some Thoughts on "Thin Ice"

•So, um, has the Doctor canonically met Jesus now?

•"I think I’m low-key in love with her.“ "So am I.” That was so sweet.

•The Doctor’s big speech about the value of life was almost—if not just as—good as the one in “The Zygon Inversion.” I know this won’t go down well with some of you, but I've got to say—that speech reminded me why I’m pro-life. Our progress is measured by how much we value human life: the lives of those who look or act differently from us, the lives of the poor, the lives of the disabled—and the lives of the unborn.

•I loved the parallels to almost all the companions Bill is given in this episode. The moment when she hesitates just before stepping onto the ice, in particular, is a beautiful callback to Rose.

•The “give me an order” scene just showed again how much the Doctor is still influenced by Clara. Not gonna lie; I tested up at that scene.

•This episode was an interesting parallel to “The Beast Below": the companion is tested based on their reaction to a giant whale-like creature. Interestingly, where Amy first tries to protect the Doctor, showing an instant comprehension of what he'll do and how it will hurt him, Bill just has no idea. First she's seen him coldly watch a little boy die, then punch a racist for her, and at this point he's very unpredictable to her. So at the point where Amy tries to take away Eleven's agency (and he got angry about it), Twelve willingly gives the choice to Bill. It's an interesting contrast between both Bill and Amy (Amy's more controlling and knows the Doctor better, probably because a great part of her life revolves around the Doctor and she's always known he's a space alien—as opposed to Bill, who got to know him as a vaguely eccentric professor first. Take that, those who say that all the Moffat companions are the same.), and Eleven and Twelve. Eleven was very much like Ten during his first few episodes, going all Oncoming Storm on any injustice, but he gradually developed into a more Twelve-like figure, growing calmer and subtler as the show went on—though he was way sneakier than Twelve's ever been, and far less pragmatic in some areas.

•Bill's adorable hat and beautiful dress are EVERYTHING

•Also, what happened to "just act like you'll fit in"? Why is Twelve suddenly bothering to dress for the times? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Maybe they really are his specially-chosen tea clothes and he just needed an excuse to put them on.

•TWELVE PUNCHED A RACIST THAT WAS SO AWESOME 10/10 would recommend. Wow, what a great scene.

•On a related note, I've been seeing posts about how Eleven had the opportunity to punch Hitler and passed it up, and I would just like to point out that the effects of Eleven punching someone would be roughly analogous to a giraffe punching someone: deadly to the target, but equally deadly to anyone else within a half-mile radius, as the giraffe lost control of his fist and sent it sailing through a wall, braining any loved ones who happen to be standing behind it.

•I know those were terribly mixed metaphors. I have a lot in common with Eleven, sometimes.

•I liked that Bill's concerns about both time travel and racism weren't just brushed off immediately like Martha's were. That was probably Clara's influence again—she certainly taught him to be considerate of other people in a way Ten never managed—but I like to think that part of it was him not wanting to repeat the (giant) mistakes he made with Martha.

•Gotta say, the Star Whale was a lot prettier than the giant dinosaur thing in the Thames. Oh well.

•That was one wacky plot. But I think the plot wasn't really the point. This was a great episode; kudos to Sarah Dollard for yet again knocking it out of the park.

•Speaking of knocking...that vault is getting more intriguing all the time. I'm just gonna guess right now that it's the Master in the Pandorica. That would explain why he doesn't just hide whatever's in the vault in the Tardis.

•I'm really hoping that this turns out to be a series-3-esque arc, with lots of little plot points that suddenly become vital in the finale. It's getting more interesting all the time.

•One last thing: Nardole is really, really growing on me. He's turning into a fascinating character. It's nice to have a Matt in the credits again, also.

•OH WAIT NO NOT DONE YET. I heard the diner that plays Clara's Tardis is back?? Which means either Clara is coming back (likely) or they're going back to Lake Silencio and Twelve is regenerating back into Eleven (slightly less likely)(also, I'm getting very tired of all the lists that claim Matt Smith will be the next Doctor. I would love it if he came back for a special or something, but good grief, the man had a great run. Let's give it a rest.)

[st-m-n-m-music-notes]

When Jesus Wept

♫ Music Notes

I doubt there is anyone in this, or most churches, who would not know the answer to the question, “What is the shortest verse in the Bible?” The obvious answer is “Jesus wept” from John 11:35. In this short statement, we see the depth of his humanity and compassion. Even he who could raise the dead, and would himself be raised, is moved to tears at the death of a close friend. Our own tears at the death of a loved one aren’t a sign of weakness, but of the reality of loss and love.

This verse is the inspiration for the text of today’s anthem When Jesus Wept. The text was first published in 1770 and has been attributed to several different authors. It is also found in our hymnal at H-715: When Jesus wept, the falling tear in mercy flowed beyond all bound; when Jesus groaned, a trembling fear seized all the guilty world around.

         The music is a simple round and can be sung in up to four parts. It was written by the first American composer to achieve any level of acceptance and respect, William Billings (1746-1800). The song first appeared in his The New England Psalm Singer, for which Paul Revere engraved the front piece. Billings’ music was extremely popular during the period of the American Revolution. If you saw the mini-series, John Adams, you may recall a scene where citizens from Massachusetts were electing delegates and stood to sing a rousing song of liberty, and another scene where President Adams is attending the theater and the audience sings another similar song. Both of these were actually by Billings. He was a very prolific composer, publishing six full collections of music. To make a living he worked as a tanner. He led singing schools throughout the Boston area, teaching people to sing in parts.

           Our sequence hymn, “Martha, Mary, waiting, weeping” retells the story found in today’s Gospel reading. Part of the function of a sequence hymn is to prepare the congregation for hearing the Gospel with a greater openness. I will often select hymns that do that by telling the story in new words, set in the metrical form of a poem—which is what a hymn is. Today’s sequence is by Herman G. Stuempfle, Jr. (1923-2007), a Lutheran pastor. He served as Professor of Preaching, and then Dean and finally President of the Lutheran Theological Seminary in Gettysburg, PA. He wrote over 600 hymns retelling stories from the Bible. He considered hymn writing “a natural extension of the preaching task.” His hymns aimed to connect the Biblical story to the everyday lives of people, similar to how he approached preaching: “In homiletics classes, I used to tell students that sermons emerge from the space where three intersecting circles overlap: 1) the biblical text; 2) the situation of the parish and its individual members; 3) the persona and gifts of the preacher. These three realities must always be in dynamic interaction with each other in the creation of a sermon. I believe the same model applies to the creation of a hymn text.” His hymns have appeared in nearly every hymnal published over the last three decades. He died a few years ago after a long battle with ALS at the age of 84.

At communion, the choir will sing the haunting motet O Holy Father, by Giovanni Pierluigi da Palestrina (1526-1594). The original title is O Bone Jesu, though many translations and texts have been adapted for it. In a relatively brief span, this motet progresses through a variety of sensitively delineated emotions, from despair and anguish to hope and consolation. The music of Palestrina is sometimes said to have saved church music in the time of the Catholic Counter-Reformation. Polyphonic music had become so complicated people could barely understand either the complex musical ideas or the text. Palestrina demonstrated music of many voices singing different parts could be musically interesting and easily understood while allowing the meaning of the words to come through. Palestrina (named for the town of his birth outside Rome) spent nearly his entire career in the city of Rome in the Pope’s chapel.

The Rev. Dr. David Kerr Park, Director of Music

[chasingthecosmos]

Three Hearts to Own

Fandom: Doctor Who Rating: G Pairing: The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Chapters: 6/10 Read on AO3 here.

A (sort of) season re-write centering around the Doctor’s touch telepathy and the many ways that it makes his life difficult while he attempts to move on from the loss of Rose Tyler. This work is based around Seasons 3 & 4 and the Tenth Doctor. It’s the final entry in the “A Hand to Hold” series, but it can also be read as a stand-alone. The first four or five chapters will just be short excerpts from the Doctor’s time away from Rose, but there will be a Journey’s End fix-it and a happily ever after at the end. Tags will be updated as I go. Chapters will vary in length.

Chapter Six: Donna (Part Two)

---------- The Doctor's Daughter ----------

Apparently, the thing that the TARDIS simply couldn't wait to show them ended up being a futuristic, underground bunker on a planet called Messaline, where two races fought for control and dominance in order to settle and colonize the planet.

For the first time in a while, however, the Doctor found that he simply couldn't care less about the war that was going on around them, because they barely managed to make it two steps outside of the TARDIS before his right arm was thrust roughly into a machine which took a layer of skin from the back of his hand and promptly spat out a fully-grown adult woman who seemed to have been produced using his own tissues.

The Doctor was slow to believe the proof of his own eyes as he watched the young blonde woman immediately spring into action, but he had to admit that there were certain familial traits that seemed to ring true as he watched her take up her weapon and begin shooting at and exploding everything that got in her way.

Donna later labeled the young woman "Jenny", but the Doctor was loath to use the name. He had learned long ago that you should never name the things that you didn't intend to keep, and he certainly planned to run as far and as fast as he could the first moment that he got the chance. He still didn't know why his TARDIS had brought them all here in the first place, but the Doctor suspected that his old ship might finally be going a bit senile in her old age as he determined to get as far away from this "Jenny" person as soon as possible.

However, as soon as Donna pointed out the girl's second heart, the Doctor instantly knew that there would be no outrunning his mistakes - not this time. If there was another Time Lord in existence - even the mere echo of one - then she was his responsibility. It wasn't as if she had anywhere else to go, after all - the Doctor had made certain of that when he destroyed Gallifrey. Thankfully, there seemed to be just enough of the Doctor's overly-sentimental hearts in the girl, and she quickly learned the lesson that the Doctor himself had spent lifetimes trying to learn - that there was always a choice, and that there was always a better option than killing.

Still, the Doctor was hesitant to entertain the thought of Jenny coming away with them on the TARDIS. Simply looking at her was difficult, when the familiar light in her eyes reminded him so vividly of all that he had loved and lost not only on Gallifrey, but also on Bad Wolf Bay. All of that hope for a family and a future had long since been dashed to pieces, and he knew that he couldn't risk feeding that ridiculous sense of "maybe" ever again.

"But when they died, that part of me died with them," the Doctor lied with the best approximation of an emotionless mask that he could muster. "It'll never come back - not now."

But Donna, of course, called the Doctor's bluff, and as he held Jenny's dying body in his arms a short while later, he had to admit that she was right. Still, he managed to lie one last time as he cradled his daughter's body close and whispered, "We can go anywhere - everywhere. You choose."

"That sounds good," she agreed weakly, the tears in her eyes telling him that she wasn't going to be falling for any of his lies, either.

The Doctor decided to attempt raw honesty next, as he brought his hand to her face and filled her mind with all of the breathless wonder of the universe that they both knew that she would never live to see with her own eyes. "You're my daughter," he told her gently, "and we've only just got started. You're going to be great. You're going to be more than great - you're going to be amazing."

He continued to press a thousand other wordless promises into her mind even after she had long since closed her eyes and gone still. The Doctor sealed his vow to never forget again with a kiss to her forehead and then made sure that the rest of the people who he was leaving behind on Messaline would never forget, either - that they would always remember that there was a choice and that one never had to be cruel when they could be brave instead.

"All those things you've been ready to die for ..." Martha muttered later after he had finally returned her back to her normal life once more. "I thought for a moment there you'd finally found something worth living for."

"Oh, there's always something worth living for, Martha," he assured her, and for the first time in a very long time, the Doctor actually managed to believe in the truth of his own words. Maybe he would never have his family or Rose back ever again, and maybe he would lose dozens more along the way, but no matter how many times his hearts broke, there would always be more - more planets to explore, more people to save, more relationships to build him up and tear him down in a thousand different ways.

The Doctor's future had been stolen from him when he had lost the woman who he loved, but for the first time since Bad Wolf bay, he was beginning to hope again. The sensation was odd and terrifying to say the least, but he knew without a doubt that it was what Rose would have wanted for him, so he decided to cherish the fleeting sensation while he could and pray that maybe this time, it would last.

---------- The Unicorn and the Wasp ----------

The Doctor got to scratch a line off of his mental bucket list when he and Donna traveled to 1920s England and began solving mysteries with none other than Agatha Christie herself. These were the types of adventures that the Doctor lived for - though personally he could have done without all of the murders and the attempted poisoning (he really,

really

missed Rose, then - having a mental connection with someone would have saved him a lot of trouble with having to mime to Donna what he needed, and the shock of a saving kiss would have been much more appreciated).

The day was saved and the truth was revealed in the end, though the Doctor supposed that it never could have gone any other way with a brilliant mind like Agatha's on their side.

He mourned the death of an innocent creature at the same time that he celebrated the successful resolution of the mystery and silently wondered to himself what it might be like to completely lose one's memory of another person. Was it even truly possible? Or would the hole that the person left behind always be there, whispering in the back of your mind and making you yearn for something or someone that you couldn't even remember? They were questions that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to answer, but the Doctor determined to keep trying in the meantime anyway.

---------- Silence in the Library & Forest of the Dead ----------

The Doctor told himself that he went to The Library because he was feeling nostalgic after meeting one of the greatest Earth authors of all time, but the truth of the matter was that there was another mystery afoot and he simply couldn't help himself. The call on the psychic paper drew him in just as it always did, though the situation turned out to be far more dire than he had originally accounted for.

His first glimpse of Professor River Song was through a space suit helmet, her unfamiliar features lit up blue from the dark confines within. Their first exchange was pretty brief too, as she greeted him fondly and he, in turn, demanded that she leave. All in all, it was so very different from his first interaction with Rose (a sharp rebuke versus a beckoning, desperate hand) that the Doctor couldn't quite wrap his mind around who this woman from his future was and why she seemed to think that they were so close.

When she reached out and touched him for the first time, the Doctor had to fight very hard not to flinch away from the bare skin of her hand resting against the side of his face, so very, dangerously close to his temples. It was then that he noticed something else that was so very, dangerously strange about River - she was a human, that was for certain, but she seemed to have a grasp of telepathic communication as she very deftly projected the sensation of longing and reunion into his thoughts without words or warning.

"Doctor ... please tell me you know who I am ..." she murmured breathlessly when he immediately threw up every mental defense that he could think of against her intrusion and she finally let her hand fall from the side of his face with a defeated, weary expression.

"Who are you ...?" he asked plainly, attempting to school his features into blank curiosity rather than display the true horror that he felt as he gaze defensively from her raised hand to her face and back again.

The hurt that filled her expression then completely baffled him, and the Doctor found that he was being drawn to the mysterious blue diary that River toted around with her as surely as he had been drawn to the call on the psychic paper. However, the mysterious professor absolutely refused to let him so much as look at the small book that she so fiercely protected, and the Doctor could feel his frustrations continuing to build as he desperately tried to puzzle out who this woman from the future was. A woman who, apparently, had a sonic screwdriver with her - and not just any sonic screwdriver, either, but his.

All thoughts of trying to uncover the truth of Professor River Song were temporarily abandoned, however, when the Doctor suddenly discovered that he had not, in fact, managed to save Donna from the hungry swarms of vashta nerada that were currently closing in on them from all sides.

"Donna Noble has left the library," the nearest information node alerted him matter-of-factly, using Donna's own face in an attempt to reassure him. "Donna Noble has been saved."

However, the Doctor wasn't reassured in the least as the walking skeletons who had been hijacked by the vashta nerada continued to chase them down the long library hallways and Donna's current state of wellbeing remained a complete and total mystery.

He was even less assured when River suddenly pulled him in and whispered his true name into his ear - a name that only one other person in the entirety of time and space had any right to know, a name that should never be spoken from any other woman's lips, not now, not ever.

He could only stare down at River in dumbfounded, horrified shock as she hesitantly asked, "Are we good?"

And no, they absolutely were not anywhere near "good", but lives were on the line, and the Doctor couldn't stand there frozen and simply staring at the anomalous woman forever, so he did what he always did - he lied and pushed the issue aside to be sorted out later.

"Yeah. Yeah, we're good," he stated breathlessly.

In the end, the Doctor did manage to scrape together a plan to rescue everyone who had been trapped in the library and free the living mind operating as the planet's computer hard drive, but it did have some significant, unfortunate pitfalls. Namely, he was going to have to sacrifice himself to save everyone else. Nothing new, really - though regrettable, considering the fact that he knew he'd never be able to regenerate after such a drain on his energy.

However, he never got the chance to actually carry the thing through before Professor Song's right fist connected hard with the left side of his face and instantly knocked the Doctor out stone cold. His slightly warming opinion of the professor was immediately reconsidered as he finally came to again and realized that the impossible, ridiculous woman planned to sacrifice herself in his place.

"Time can be rewritten!" the Doctor insisted desperately as he strained against his handcuffs (and really - who was this woman, who carried around handcuffs?) and attempted to get River to see reason.

"Not those times! Not one line, don't you dare!" she insisted emphatically, refusing to allow him to talk his way out of this one. "It's okay," she assured him, her tone going gentle as she looked down on him with tears in her eyes. "It's okay, it's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me, time and space - you watch us run!"

She disappeared before his eyes in a blazing flash of light - gone outside of his reach before the Doctor ever really got the chance to uncover who she was (and, perhaps more importantly, who she was to him). Trapped as he was by the handcuffs around his left wrist, the Doctor was forced to sit and confront the consequences of his actions until someone finally appeared and set him free from his misery.

He stared hard at the seat that River had occupied for longer than he cared to admit as he allowed himself to wallow in his morose thoughts and ponder why it was that he always had to watch those closest to him die. Even River - who he didn't even rightfully know yet, but who clearly loved him - had laid down her life in his name. Was it even possible to love the Doctor and live?

The thought troubled him far more than he thought that it should, considering the fact that he had quite sworn off such relationships (despite River's claims for the future). But could it really be true that he was doomed to wander the universe for eternity completely and totally alone? Would anyone ever be able to live up to Rose? Would anyone ever even come close? And even if they did, would the Doctor ever be able to bear the entirety of his bruised and battered hearts to them?

It seemed a ridiculous request to make of the universe that seemed quite satisfied to watch him suffer, but the Doctor decided the wouldn't give up hoping regardless. It was what Rose would have done, after all.

---------- Midnight ----------

The Doctor had always liked words in this new body. Having them all suddenly taken away from him cut him deep and left him feeling more scared than he had been in a very long time. He really had expected to die on that bright, glittering planet of Midnight. He had seen the best and the worst of humans during his 900 years of space and time travel, and he of all people knew what they were capable of. With no voice to plead his case or talk riddles around everyone else, he really thought that perhaps he had finally met his end.

But thankfully, words still managed to save the day in the end, and when the Doctor finally returned to Donna once more he hugged her tight and silently allowed himself to begin the process of releasing the (many) mental shields that he had been hiding himself behind ever since he left Bad Wolf Bay. It was strange to suddenly be able to sense an emotion that wasn't his own aching loneliness and heartbreak (though the Doctor was surprised to find that Donna had plenty of that to go around, as well), and he actually let out an audible sigh of relief as he gladly accepted her silent offer of peace and comfort.

When they finally turned to return to the TARDIS once more, the Doctor found that he had to fight to hold himself back and not grab for Donna's hand - his desire to chase after another living person's thoughts and emotions almost overpowering him. He knew that he was probably inviting more trouble than anything by walking around unshielded for the first time in years, but he was simply tired of the silence in his head, which echoed and rang with the emptiness, much like the surface of the planet Midnight. Just like that creature wandering alone out there amongst the diamonds, he craved warmth and companionship and a promise that he didn't have to be alone, if he didn't want to.

He did, however, make a mental note to have a talk with Donna about touch telepathy as soon as possible. He could only imagine the row that would await him if he accidentally picked up on something that she didn't want him to know about. The thought alone was almost enough to scare him back into raising his shields once more as they left the desolation and misery of Midnight behind them.

---------- Turn Left ----------

The Doctor took them to a crowded alien bazaar next, eager to fill all of his senses with as much noise and light and overstimulation as he could possibly get. Donna happily played along, too - eager to see and taste and try all of the new things that the alien system had to offer her.

The Doctor didn't worry too much when they were inevitably separated - Donna was an adult who could look after herself, after all (she had proven the fact many times throughout their adventures) - but her look of terror when he finally tracked her down again had him instantly concerned, and the hug that bubbled with her elated relief only managed to heighten his confusion.

However, it wasn't until the Doctor examined the dead Time Beetle and Donna began to relay the stories of the strange parallel world that she had experienced that he began to grow truly frightened. He listened in enraptured silence as she told him stories of a mysterious blonde woman with no name and an encroaching darkness that was threatening all of the worlds in existence.

"But she told me ... to warn you," Donna muttered haltingly. "She said, 'two words' ..."

The Doctor had two words, too - two words that Donna's story had instantly sparked back to life and were currently burning in his chest and setting his hearts on fire. Two words that could only ever belong to one other living creature. Two words that were secret, cherished, and sacred above all else.

Could it possibly be ...?

"What two words? What were they? What did she say?" he demanded breathlessly.

Donna's eyes were wide and filled with fear as she finally whispered, "Bad Wolf ..."

They weren't the words that he had been expecting, but as the Doctor dashed through the alien marketplace and saw the seven simple letters adorning every solid surface in sight, he realized that they could never have been anything else. Bad Wolf was the one phrase that linked him to Rose - it was a promised reunion even when all hope seemed lost and every other option had tried and failed. Bad Wolf was a bridge - an escape, a lifeline. Bad Wolf was hope.

And despite all that had happened and the many times that he had been misled and crushed by it in the past, the Doctor decided to chase after that hope like his life depended on it - knowing full well that this time, it just might.

[christsbride]

Overcoming Worry

Proverbs 3:5-6

In Part One, we looked at a couple of New Testament examples (one negative—Martha, the other positive—Jesus) of people under stress. Let's now go back to the Old Testament and lift out some familiar words of hope to those clenched in the vise-grip of worry.

The following passage is so well known to most Christians that we have perhaps missed its significant message. Read slowly the words of Solomon:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5–6)

Go back and read these words again, please; this time aloud.

My Part, God's Part

Let's do a little digging. I'd like to suggest three important observations in what we just read.

First, there are four verbs—words of action—in these two verses:

trust

do not lean

acknowledge

make straight

A closer look will reveal the first three verbs are commands. They are directed to the child of God, the Christian. They represent our responsibility.

Trust . . . do not lean . . . acknowledge . . . .

The fourth verb is a promise. It declares God's part in the transaction, His responsibility.

He will make your paths straight.

Putting this observation in the form of a simple diagram looks like this:

My Responsibility Trust! Do not lean! Acknowledge!

God's Promise He will make straight . . .

A second observation: The same term is used no less than four times. Can you find it? Look again at the verses. Circle the word your. God is really emphasizing the personal nature of this truth. He is also telling us we must enter into it individually—no one else can apply it for us.

Your responsibility in your circumstances is to trust with all your heart . . . and to refuse to lean on your own understanding . . . acknowledging Him in all your ways . . . so that He might make straight your paths.

Get the picture? Responding to life's situations is your choice. No one else can do it for you.

One final observation: The first phrase is linked to the last phrase, giving us the main idea. (Trust . . . He will make straight.) The two middle phrases merely amplify the main idea. (Do not lean . . . acknowledge.) Let me explain.

I am to trust in my Lord without hesitation and without reservation—with all my heart—so that He might step in and take control, making my way meaningful and straight. And what is involved in trusting with all my heart? Two particular decisions: one negative, the other positive.

Negatively, I am not to lean on my own understanding.

Positively, I am to acknowledge Him in the whole battleground.

The Swindoll Amplified Version

We've taken a deep look into these verses and examined the vital parts. Taking into account the meanings behind several significant terms, we can put the thought back together and see the whole picture in a new light.

Throw yourself completely upon the Lord—that is, cast all your present and future needs on Him who is your intimate Savior-God—finding in Him your security and safety. Do this with all your mind and feeling and will. In order to make this possible, you must refuse to support yourself upon the crutch of human ingenuity. Instead, recognize His presence and concern in each one of your circumstances. Then He (having taken full control of the situation) will thoroughly smooth out and straighten your paths, removing each obstacle along the way.

What a magnificent promise to all the "Marthas"—of both sexes—reading this devotional!

Applying Your Personalized Version

As I think all this through, several specific truths seem to bounce off the pages of Scripture:

This is a personal promise for anxiety-prone people to claim right now. God has preserved this statement just for you. Claim it!

God will do His part, but first we must do our part. He will keep His promise if we obey His commands. Keep in mind that our response to His commands precedes His part in the transaction.

God wants our total trust. Yes, total. Nothing held back. No games. No empty, pious-sounding words. No, He commands our absolute confidence.

There is no area which He is unable to handle. Did you note the twice-repeated "all"? God is a specialist in every circumstance. That includes yours. Today.

Since this promise is to be personally applied, how about filling in the blank with your current stress right now? Instead of reading:

. . . in all your ways recognize Him, and He will smooth out your path, removing all obstacles.

you fill in the space:

. . . in _______________________ recognize Him . . .

Right this moment, take that worry that is eating away at you like a rapidly growing cancer, and turn it over to Him as you write or envision it in that blank space. Refuse to brood over it any longer! Cast aside doubt and fear and leave it all with Him. Then stand back and watch Him work.

This devotional is part two of a four-part series.

Excerpted from Avoiding Stress Fractures, Copyright © 1990, 1995 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. For additional information and resources visit us at www.insight.org.

from Chuck Swindoll's Daily Devotional http://ift.tt/2zYjS0F via IFTTT

[marielrieland]

Riding the wave.

Caught in the tensions—

So many people, stories, and localities, all drawing me in.

Moments of hope.

Laughter in the hallways, traditional dances, whispered dreams.

The tides are turning.

Seasons cascading in and flowing out as steadily as the ocean’s waves.

Will I be tossed about—haphazard, overwhelmed—in these changing seas?

Or will I master the waves in a craft lovingly built by my Savior’s carpentry?

The future remains to be discovered.

22 August, 2017 // Jinja, Uganda

Less than four months remain of life as I’ve known it for the past two years—life in Jinja, Uganda.  Although I’m beyond ecstatic for all that lies ahead at Fuller Theological Seminary, I move forward with a somber heart knowing that I’m leaving behind an incredible community at Akola Project.  It’s been a while since my last comprehensive update, so I will share a few highlights from the past several months:

May—Stateside Adventures

By God’s grace, I was able to spend an incredible two weeks at home in the States in early May.  I first landed in Seattle (with just enough time for a coffee with my dear brother Arian), then spent several days at home in Billings.  The highlight of my time there was hosting a “gathering” of friends & family for a night of stories, photos, and selling handmade Ugandan goods.  I was truly blessed by each and every person who made the time to attend, buy a basket, ask good questions, and just be present as I attempted to share a glimpse of what God is doing through me in Uganda.  If you were there, THANK YOU!!  

P.S.—I have many more beautiful baskets on the way home next month, just in time for Christmas shopping! Please message me if you would like to buy one ($25 each).  All proceeds are supporting my student loan payments and Fuller tuition!

After my time in Montana, my whole family flew together (for the first time in many years) to California for a beautiful week with my dad’s side of the family.  Highlights included staying in a renovated Victorian mansion in Eureka, running a half marathon through the Avenue of the Giants Redwood forest, and visiting Amen Lane, where many of my great aunts and uncles live.  It was powerful not only to create new memories with my family, but also to reflect on the lives of those who aren’t with us anymore—especially my grandpa Lance, who spent most of his life in northern California.

A few days later, the Rieland clan drove all the way from Cottonwood to Pasadena, the place I will call home for the next two years.  That’s right—I got to visit FULLER!!  Although I toured the campus several years ago, it was absolutely magical to visit again as an accepted student.  Meeting my Admissions and Vocational counselors in person after numerous phone calls and emails, touring the campus, attending a chapel service, and even sitting in on a class were just a few of the many highlights of the day.  I also met some new friends, and ran into a few old friends who live in the area (including Paul and Hope Phillips, whom I met in Uganda & now serve with on their board—check out Hope+ Africa)!

June—The North & Sipi Falls

As part of my normal workflow, June found me once again packing my bag and heading to northern Uganda.  After making this trip more than a dozen times in two years, I’ve realized that I need to change things up to make it interesting and exciting.  So, after a powerful week in Pajule with the Akola team, I decided to take a personal weekend and journey from Pader to Lira (with the beautiful Phil & Suzan Wilmot), then proceed to Mbale and venture up the foothills of Mount Elgon to Sipi Falls.  Sipi is a stunning region of the country, not only for its series of cascading waterfalls but for the vibrant greenery, coffee plantations, and views of Uganda’s expansive eastern region.  Needless to say, it is one of the most Edenic places I’ve ever seen!  I have made some incredibly special memories there, and this weekend would be no exception.  

While I had an amazing weekend of hiking, eating, and drinking tea with some great new friends (shoutout to the Jeffs!), I returned to Jinja with an unexpected hitchhiker—a real nasty bacterial infection.  Thanks to the help of Jesus and Dr. Charles, I recovered in a relatively short time, but it is an experience I’m definitely not planning on repeating any time soon!

July—New Horizons at Akola

Somehow, my updates so far have not included much about what my work has consisted of at Akola!  Akola Academy is running strong in its third full program year.  Our topics this year have included a balance of technical and social development skills, in order to help our members achieve both their economic and personal development goals.  The technical side of the program has consisted of a series of guest speakers who are experts in their respective fields—a Habitat for Humanity staff spoke on house construction, a government veterinarian spoke about livestock rearing, and a Farming God’s Way trainer spoke about organic, sustainable agriculture practices.  

Regarding the other half of the program, the amazing Empowerment Officers have been handing the social change trainings with remarkable complexity and grace.  This year’s topics have been a challenge, with many theoretical concepts (including high-level development & social change theory) mixed in with practical hands-on skills (such as conflict management and storytelling/public speaking).  Although the fruit of these programs may take many years to see, the seeds we plant through these conversations are powerful in the way that they work to expand the horizons of what is possible in these women’s lives.

In my own professional life, I am also beginning to expand my horizons regarding the work that lies ahead of me this year & beyond.  I have been developing a new mentorship program (still in the works) that would allow a smaller group of Akola members the opportunity to be trained in specific tactics/actions in order to live out the changes they desire in their community—whether that be fixing a borehole or campaigning against domestic violence.  I am also beginning to look into hiring my replacement, which is a daunting and emotionally turbulent process.  Akola Academy has been my baby for two years now, and I am battling anxiety about handing it over to somebody new.  But at the same time, God has been teaching me a lot about trusting Him to finish the work that He started.  After all, as Paul writes in Galatians 3, none of us were smart or powerful enough to start the work of redemption by ourselves, so why do we keep trying to finish it by our own strength?  It’s a lesson I need to learn over & over again.

August—Reconnection & Reflection

Although this month is not quite over yet, I’ve noticed these two themes emerge over the past few weeks.  This season has been challenging as I am overwhelmed by many commitments/responsibilities (outside of my Akola programs, I also volunteer for two amazing organizations doing community development work around the country).  I’ve also been fairly homesick and easily become stir-crazy when I do take time to rest, which is not a good sign.  In the midst of all of this, God has been so faithful in sending me the people I need to help me process it all.  Most notably, my dear friend Martha Kirabo—which means “gift” in Luganda—volunteered to accompany me for an entire 9 DAYS of travel to the north this month! My time was split between doing three days of VHT training for Hope 2 One Life in Kigumba and Gulu, and working four days for Akola in Pajule.  Needless to say, the week was a whirlwind and I really don’t think I would have accomplished it all if it wasn’t for Martha’s help.  Webale NYO nnyabo! 

I also had a wonderful time catching up with Blessing, another dear friend from UCU, and am looking forward to getting away with some other friends (including my MOM!) later this month.  I value these strong, powerful daughters of God that constantly speak wisdom & truth into my life more than I could ever express in a blog post.

As you can see if you’ve made it this far, the last few months have been incredibly rich in so many ways.  While it hasn’t been devoid of challenges, ultimately this season has been one of the most rich and rewarding of my life so far.  It is so satisfying (& humbling!) to see my work deepening and broadening the longer I spend in this beautiful country.  As I reflect on all this year has contained so far, I look forward to the final few months of my time at Akola and know that God is going to far exceed my expectations of what we can do together!

Thanks so much for being part of my journey.  I truly could not do it without you all.

Love,

Mariel

P.S. I have not always been very good about sharing prayer requests, which I realize is not helpful to anyone who would like to support me spiritually while I am here.  Here are few requests for the next several months: -Wisdom in hiring my replacement -Continued passion & energy for my work (despite the constant temptation to “check out” mentally) -Health & financial provision for my many friends here and their dependents (Akola, Hope+ Africa, and Hope 2 One Life all do amazing work, but there are so many needs in these communities that we cannot do anything about.) -Financial provision as I try to finish paying my student loans from SPU and finding tuition/living expenses for my time at Fuller

-Lastly, please pray for miraculous intervention for the life of little Rajabu.  For those who follow me on social media, you may have seen my post about him.  He is a 4-year-old boy with a severe heart defect that may not live beyond this next year if he doesn’t receive heart surgery.  We are working to get him sponsored out of the country for surgery, but need many different things to go perfectly in order for this to happen! If you would like to donate, please go to www.hopepositiveafrica.com!

[comeallyelost]

The Handmaid's Tale 3x10 Thoughts

A few days late, but here it is:

So objectively, despite the shit storm that has been happening this season, this was the kind of THT episode we’ve been thirsting for all season. I’d even argue last week’s plus this week’s finally worked its way back up to the series I first fell in love with.

(Although the huge lack of forward movement this season probably diluted this episode’s impact.)

Anywho:

1. June/ The Lawrences

The relationship between these three really shined this episode. The Ceremony scene in the bedroom was really touching and heartbreaking. June powering through that and guiding Lawrence through it was exceptional acting. Although part of me is bothered that we’re going back to June getting raped. I really did think that whole ordeal would have been left back in season 2.

Joseph and Eleanor’s relationship is something super precious. And it’s an element I’ve enjoyed this entire season. Eleanor knows what’s up with her husband and decided to stay in Gilead in order to be with him. Joseph’s realization that he needed to get Eleanor out after all this was really moving too. Up until that point he was a stubborn fuck who thought he knew best for his wife. And even though he was acting out of love and concern for her, he never really considered a better life for her without him being there.

Also June’s comment to Fred that the Lawrences treat her with respect, I thought, was honest and quite bold of her to say. Because she implied exactly what Fred was suspecting.

2. The Waterfords and Winslow

I have to begrudgingly accept that Fred and now Winslow’s roles as commanders in Gilead will never be fully explained to the audience. For a while there I assumed Lawrence was one of the higher ups and relatively untouchable. But now Fred is implementing these new rules for the homes and is able to supervise ceremonies? And Winslow is along for the ride? 

Also Fred being creepy as fuck and just trying to mess with June is getting to be a bit much. Unless it’s leading up to something, he’s just been wasting time now trying to get June’s attention in whatever bizarre and twisted way he can think of. 

Serena this episode was alright imo. She clearly was not comfortable with what was going on. And her concern for June and Eleanor seemed sincere. I’m still skeptical about her role in all of this. Like, she is the absolute worst, but it’s not like she’s happy with where she’s at right now. Her marriage is still super fragile and she’s still mourning the baby. I don’t want to believe she’s gonna change (again) because I know she only works on the right side when it suits her needs, but I did sense some sort of shift this ep. So I’ll keep an open mind.

3. June’s save-the-children crusade

I really loved the little snippets of info revealed while she was reading though the files of the Handmaids. And the muffins from the Marthas at the end was great too. 

Now, I know June is our protagonist and its her story we follow, but is she really the only one who--after like 5 years of Gilead--has hatched a plan to save children? Like, yes, all the Marthas have said yes and are agreeing to this plan. But who is June to them? How are they falling behind her? We haven’t seen her lead or make any real strides in working with the resistance. Idk, it just seemed a little farfetched/ not fully executed.

Other Thoughts:

- Give me more Alma backstory dammit

- June telling Janine her son was happy and alive in California broke me a little. I was debating whether or not it was the right thing to do. But I can concede it was the most humane choice. Poor Janine

- Did anyone else notice the lack of continuity in how the Lawrence household calls June? In 3x07 Eleanor calls her June. Beth has also to my knowledge called her June. But both of them refer to her as OfJoseph in this episode and idk why I found it odd. 

- Serena brought out the phone! I hope this means we’re finally getting more Canada time. And that Tuello fellow really intrigues me.

- I miss Nick where tf is he (sob)

[libertyreads]

June Wrap Up 2020-

What a crazy month June was. I managed to read 11 books which is still pretty impressive for me. I got a few rereads in, but also managed to work on my TBR shelf challenge. My TBR shelf is now down to 11 books. That’s going to change this week due to my birthday, but let’s take the W while we can.

1. Marked in Flesh by Anne Bishop- 3.5 stars. This was book four in The Others series. It’s an Adult Urban Fantasy series that combines the slice of life that I love with fast moving action. I think this might have been the lowest I’ve rated any of the books in the series. It ended on a good note, but I remember wishing the scope of the story hadn’t expanded so much.

2. An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green- 4.25 stars. A reread for me. I found I didn’t enjoy it as much as I did the first time. It’s an Adult Sci-Fi novel about first contact with aliens, sudden fame, and the division in politics in America.

3. The Merciful Crow by Margaret Owen- 4.25 stars. Another reread in preparation for the second book coming out soon. I liked this one a little more this time around than last time which was surprising. In this YA Fantasy novel, the world is split into castes. You have the rulers, the Phoenixes, and at the bottom, the Crows. The Crows are doomed to spend forever walking the roads from plague beacon to plague beacon to deal with those who have died seeing as the Crows are the only ones with immunity to the plague.

4. Etched in Bone by Anne Bishop- 3.75 stars. The final book of The Others series. It narrowed the scope of the story more than book four so I liked it more, but we missed a little of the slice of life I loved so much in books one and two. Also, the romance was wrapped up at the end as if it were an afterthought. Just 20 to 50 more pages with romance weaved into it would have gone so far.

5. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Ravenclaw Edition)- 5.0 stars. The start of my yearly reread. I also got my husband to agree to read the series and watch the movies after each one  with me so I’m keeping pace with him.

6. Artificial Condition by Martha Wells- 4.0 stars. Book two of the Murderbot Diaries. This is an Adult Sci-Fi series featuring a sassy A.I. called (at least to themselves) Murderbot. Having hacked their governor module Murderbot would rather watch their shows than take care of the humans whose protection they’re charged with. And I couldn’t love them more. This book was a little less exciting for me than the first and I think it’s just because as a reader I wasn’t as connected with the humans in this one.

7. I Hope You’re Listening by Tom Ryan (NetGalley ARC)- 4.0 stars.  This book is a YA Mystery Thriller that I actually enjoyed. Shock all around. It’s the story of a girl whose best friend is kidnapped right in front of her and she has to live her life as “the girl who wasn’t taken.” In the end she creates a podcast to help her cope and uses it to help other people find their missing friends and family members. Life goes to heck from there.

8. Burn Mark by Laura Powell- 2.0 stars. This was a book I picked up at a local library sale back in November and I finally cleared enough books off of my TBR to pick it up. Sad thing is I really didn’t like the writing style. It was so bad I almost didn’t read book 2 that I also bought at the same sale. This is a revised history of the U.K. where witches were real and the government built up a system for dealing with witches, witch crime, and testing witches.

9. The Faithless Hawk by Margaret Owen (NetGalley ARC)- 4.5 stars. I was so happy my wish for this ARC got granted on NetGalley since this book got pushed back for an August release. This is the final book in The Merciful Crow duology. The Merciful Crow is a YA Fantasy series where there’s a caste system in place. The Phoenix Caste rules over the land of Sabor while the Crow caste is doomed to spend their days walking the roads from plague beacon to plague beacon since they are the only caste immune to the plague. The second one had more political intrigue and made it so much fun.

10. The Cruelty by Scott Bergstrom- 1.5 stars. This book has been on my TBR for at least three years. After I purchased it, I found out that the author has made some horrible comments about women and women’s bodies so I never picked it up. But a friend pointed out that reading it just gets the book off my TBR and doesn’t help the author in any way since he already got my money. I found that his misogyny and ableist perspective continues throughout the story despite having a fun and fast paced story. I couldn’t rate it any higher than this and I won’t be picking up the next book.

11. Witch Fire by Laura Powell-2.0 Stars. In progress. Will update when finished. I’m about a third of the way through with this one. I’m planning on finishing it today. This story takes place a few months after the events of the first book. The main characters are two witches working undercover for the government and they are sent to a boarding school for witches in order to sniff out a terrorist plot. I was right in that I didn’t think I would enjoy this one. They whole boarding school part of the plot line lasted for about 50 pages. Talk about a bait and switch.

Average rating of the first ten books I read this month: 3.34 stars. Not a bad reading month. I felt like I was on both ends of the spectrum as far as rating goes. I’m happy I’m working on clearing out my TBR Shelf.

[chasingthecosmos]

Three Hearts to Own

Fandom: Doctor Who Rating: G Pairing: The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Chapters: 5/10 Read on AO3 here.

A (sort of) season re-write centering around the Doctor’s touch telepathy and the many ways that it makes his life difficult while he attempts to move on from the loss of Rose Tyler. This work is based around Seasons 3 & 4 and the Tenth Doctor. It’s the final entry in the “A Hand to Hold” series, but it can also be read as a stand-alone. The first four or five chapters will just be short excerpts from the Doctor’s time away from Rose, but there will be a Journey’s End fix-it and a happily ever after at the end. Tags will be updated as I go. Chapters will vary in length.

Chapter Five: Donna (Part One)

---------- Partners in Crime ----------

When he began to investigate the frankly too-good-to-be-true Adipose Industries, the Doctor had expected to find some sort of alien involvement lurking at the root of the operation, but the

last

thing that he had expected to find was

Donna Noble

- dressed in a business suit and gaping at him in pleased surprise as the two of them listened in on the company's nefarious plots to take over the world.

When they finally ran into each other again in the literal sense, the Doctor wasn't entirely sure who initiated their reunion hug first - all he knew was that he was surprised at how happy he was to see her again, and the firm embrace felt nicer than he had expected. Maybe he had just been traveling on his own for a bit too long, but it was nice to think that there was someone out there in the universe who had apparently missed him enough to attempt to hunt him down.

"Don't you ever change?" Donna demanded as he grabbed her hand and they returned to their mad dash to escape Ms. Foster and her lackeys. The Doctor might have laughed if they weren't currently running for their lives - despite their adventures together last Christmas, poor Donna didn't even know the half of it. Maybe that was why she happened to be the only woman on planet earth who he had managed to run into twice, now. Maybe if she really knew the truth of who (and what) he was, then she wouldn't have made it her sole business to track him down again.

However, it seemed that Donna had changed her mind quite a bit about running off to the stars with him, and the Doctor found that he barely had the chance to get a word in edgewise as she practically forced her way back onto the TARDIS.

"Would you rather be on your own?" she asked hesitantly when he didn't immediately help her in packing up her things and rather settled for watching her with a wary, uncomfortable expression.

"No," he replied, the honest answer coming easily as he met her gaze. "Actually, no. But ... the last time ... with Martha, like I said ... it got complicated. And it was all my fault."

However, Donna's brash, stubborn attitude quickly assured him that she would not, in fact, be falling into the same pitfalls that Martha had fallen into. In fact, her reassurances that she was not even the least bit interested were so adamant that the Doctor wasn't quite sure whether to be relieved or offended.

Considering the fact that she had already rejected him once before, Donna settled into life on the TARDIS far quicker than he had expected her to (and also with much more luggage than he had been prepared for). The Doctor wasn't sure if it was simply the fact that they had been reunited against the many odds stacked between them, or if he was simply growing sentimental in his old age, but he thought that he felt a certain tugging in the back of his mind as Donna left behind her life on Earth and stepped back into his time ship - as though fate herself was putting her own spin on their timelines and rewriting the paths that lay ahead of them.

He silently determined to keep an eye on the strange sense of foreboding that he could feel welling up within him and hoped that it wouldn't prove to be a warning of impending heartbreak for the fiery, indomitable Donna Noble.

---------- The Fires of Pompeii ----------

The Doctor fell into a rhythm with Donna almost as easily as he had with Martha, though there were, of course, remarkable, significant differences between the two. Where Martha was friendly and easy-going, Donna was no-nonsense and kept a notable distance between herself and the rest of the world. Besides the casual hand-grabbing that was necessary when two people were facing life-or-death circumstances, the Doctor and Donna largely kept an easy, companionable distance between themselves, which took a weight off of the Doctor's shoulders that he hadn't even realized he'd been carrying until it was suddenly gone.

However, the separation that Donna purposefully put between herself and others didn't exempt her from a sense of sympathy for the plight of the innocent - and the Doctor had to fight hard to ignore her pleas for mercy and stay true to the timelines that he knew were right.

Pompeii had to burn - it was one city, or the entire world. The Doctor had been making these types of decisions his entire life - he knew what had to be done, even if he didn't like it - but that didn't meant that carrying out the actions came any easier with time and practice. In the end, he was glad for Donna's hands on his as they prepared to blow the trigger on Vesuvius together. He could feel her heartbreak as his own as the terrible weight of their actions came down upon their shoulders, and it was nice to know that, for once, he didn't have to make the decision on his own.

The Doctor did eventually go back to save Caecilius and his family in a way that he had never been able to save his own, and though the unnatural twist in the timelines made him sick, he was glad that Donna had been there to convince him to return to the city of Pompeii. He knew deep down that it was the right thing to do, whether the timelines agreed or not, and it wasn't as if it were the first time that he had broken the rules because of his own, foolish compassion.

When he set the small family of four down on the outskirts of the city and watched them prepare to make a brand new start in honor of their fallen friends and neighbors, the Doctor felt a sense of hope springing up in him that he hadn't felt in a very long time. Maybe if Caecilius and his family could start over and keep going, then he could manage it, too.

---------- Planet of the Ood ----------

Donna quickly proved that her compassion for others in need extended beyond the human race as the two of them stumbled upon an ood factory in the forty-second century and instantly uncovered the malpractice taking place within its grounds. The Doctor couldn't help but think of Rose on that snowy, desolate planet - she had had sympathy for the slave race when they had run into them on Krop Tor as well. He knew that her reaction would mirror Donna's righteous indignation if she could be here now, and the haunting nostalgia of her memory seemed to push the Doctor forward as he fought to save the ood in a way that he hadn't been able to back when they had been trapped in that sanctuary base over the black hole.

The Doctor was both surprised and unsettled as he uncovered the ood race's propensity for telepathic communication, and he found himself having to lift the mental shields around his mind once more in an attempt to connect with them. Their song of fear and captivity was enough to break both of his hearts and make him long for the freedom of the open skies once more as they collectively called out for release and justice. He opened Donna's mind to it partly because he knew that she wouldn't have stopped asking if he had said "no", and partly because he was simply tired of having to suffer through it alone. She could only stand twenty-seven seconds of it, but it was enough to know that she understood the great pain that the Doctor was having to work through as he continued to fight to free the ood.

"I spent all that time looking for you, Doctor, because I thought it was so wonderful out here," Donna mused darkly as she gazed in horror at the ood currently holding its brain out to them in its gently-cupped hands. "I want to go home ..." she breathed in desperation.

The Doctor couldn't really blame her - if he had any sort of home or normal life to return to, he supposed that he would be longing for it right now, too - but before they could discuss the issue of Donna leaving him all on his own again, they had a mission to complete, and the people working for Ood Operations certainly didn't make it easy for them.

Still, they managed to put an end to Mr. Halpen and his backwards company (with a little help from the very patient Ood Sigma), and the Ood Brain was free to sing openly once more, the song of life and hope for the future spurring the Doctor forward and making him eager to continue on in his adventures. However, Ood Sigma's parting words left him feeling that odd sense of foreboding again - the sensation that something was twisting the timelines around Donna and the Doctor and forcing them into some sort of unknowable situation that made him uneasy.

"Every song must end," Ood Sigma assured him ominously. But the Doctor was determined not to hear the end of that song of hope and life - not today, when it was so fresh and new and thrumming through his veins like adrenaline. With Donna's assurance that she had changed her mind and would continue to travel with him after all (for the time being, at least), he shuffled them both back into the TARDIS and pointedly ignored the rest of his growing concerns in favor of focusing on their next adventure instead.

---------- The Sontaran Stratagem & The Poison Sky ----------

The Doctor was apprehensive about returning to Earth at Martha's urging, but he had promised her that he would respond when she called, and really, he supposed, it was the least that he could do.

"You haven't changed a bit!" he told her as he instantly swept her up into his arms and gave her a welcoming hug. However, he quickly discovered that that wasn't entirely true. The stinging hum of desire that seemed to have become second nature to their strained relationship was no longer prickling against his skin, and it didn't take long for Donna to deftly point out the fact that Martha was now wearing an engagement ring. This new information had the Doctor breathing a small sigh of relief that was quickly cut off when Martha took out a walkie-talkie and immediately began barking orders.

"Is that what you did to her - turned her into a soldier?" Donna asked curiously as the three of them eyed the red berets and guns that suddenly surrounded them.

The Doctor gritted his teeth in silent consternation as he watched Martha slip through the UNIT soldiers as easily as though she had been doing it all her life. It felt wrong to see her like this, but what right did he have to tell her otherwise? He couldn't exactly deny the accusation in Donna's words, and it wasn't as though what Martha got up to on her own time was any of his business, anyway.

The day just got stranger, however, as the Doctor was introduced to Luke Rattigan, and then Staal the Undefeated himself. And if a sontaran invasion wasn't enough, he was finally introduced to Donna's family and realized that Donna wasn't the only human that the Doctor seemed to be continually running into lately, as he instantly recognized the face of her grandfather as the man who he had met this past Christmas during his Earth tour with Astrid. The old man introduced himself as Wilfred Mott, and the Doctor silently mused over the fact that he seemed to get along much better with his companions' grandfathers than he did with their mothers - he would certainly have to make a note of that for the future.

He gave Donna a TARDIS key not long after that, just to ensure that she wouldn't get any further ideas of leaving him as he dashed into the poisonous smoke that was currently threatening to choke the life out of every living thing on Earth. Of course, the Doctor had no way of knowing that the sontarans would teleport the TARDIS directly onto their ship, leaving him on his own to stop nuclear destruction, find the real Martha, and save Donna's life all at the same time (and, as it happened, in that order, exactly).

Burning the gas out of the earth's atmosphere was a simple enough operation, but it wasn't enough to defeat the determined sontarans. The Doctor knew that they would be regrouping in preparation to destroy the planet that had managed to resist their invasion, but still, he had to give them a choice - he had to offer them the chance to leave and survive before he ripped apart their entire fleet and himself along with it.

Because, if there was one thing that the Doctor had learned from Donna during their travels together, it was that he should always be willing to give second chances. However, Luke Rattigan was more clever than the Doctor gave him credit for, and had a righteous fury that outweighed even his own, and the young human boy ended up placing his own life on the line of battle so that the Doctor could live another day and go on to fight off another alien invasion.

After everything was said and done, the Doctor was pleased that Donna still seemed determined to leave her family behind in favor of the TARDIS, but before they got the chance to say goodbye to Martha and allow her to return to the life that she had created for herself, his old time ship seemed to get ideas of her own as she suddenly took timelines into her own hands and hurtled the three of them forward into the unknown quite against their collective will. It seemed that she had something that she was very keen that they all experience together, and she wasn't about to sit around and wait for them to get there on their own time. The Doctor appreciated the fact that, even now, his brilliant ship was looking out for him and his companions, he just wished that the TARDIS would deign to clue him in on the details of her little plots every once in a while.

[chasingthecosmos]

Three Hearts to Own

Fandom: Doctor Who Rating: G Pairing: The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Chapters: 4/10 Read on AO3 here.

A (sort of) season re-write centering around the Doctor’s touch telepathy and the many ways that it makes his life difficult while he attempts to move on from the loss of Rose Tyler. This work is based around Seasons 3 & 4 and the Tenth Doctor. It’s the final entry in the “A Hand to Hold” series, but it can also be read as a stand-alone. The first four or five chapters will just be short excerpts from the Doctor’s time away from Rose, but there will be a Journey’s End fix-it and a happily ever after at the end. Tags will be updated as I go. Chapters will vary in length.

Chapter Four: Astrid

---------- Voyage of the Damned ----------

This time, the Doctor had exactly forty-eight seconds of being back in the vortex before a new explosion abruptly cut off his moment of grieving and quickly hurtled him back into danger once more. He reluctantly donned the old black and white tuxedo as he stepped out onto the futuristic ship masquerading as the Titanic and prepared to spend his holiday busying himself with a little bit of snooping.

He ran into Astrid Peth almost immediately and quickly determined to befriend her. She was pretty (as pretty as someone from Sto could be, anyway - he still always had to include the qualifier) and had a wanderlust that reminded him of a certain young blonde human in a way that instantly demanded his attention.

He liked Morvin and Foon, too - both of them lovely, interesting people who deserved better than what the rest of the pompous elite on the ship were giving them. He even liked the eccentric, somewhat-out-of-touch Mr. Copper, who introduced the Doctor to a whole new take on the old Earth holiday of Christmas.

Their trip down to London filled the Doctor with a sense of foreboding, though, as he glanced around at the oddly-empty streets, expecting to find late-night shoppers and instead finding only silence and a thick sense of unease. But his concerns were quickly pushed aside as Astrid jumped into his arms and eagerly began to rant and rave over the small, alien planet.

"Oh, this is amazing! Thank you!" she exclaimed, beaming up at him with a look of wonder that quickly reminded the Doctor of why he traveled the way that he did, and why it was always so, so important for him not to be alone. To get to see other people experience the enormity of space and time was truly what kept him in check and reminded him never to take any of it for granted. Getting to see the universe through their eyes would always be the one thing that kept him going.

He took her hand as they went about exploring the empty London streets and allowed her bubbly elation to flow through his veins for a moment longer that was strictly necessary before he quickly closed off his mind once more and schooled his thoughts back into focusing on the issue that lay before them. He didn't miss Astrid's sidelong look, however, when he kept his grip on her hand for just a moment too long.

The awkward moment was cut off when they were quickly teleported back onboard the Titanic and then promptly faced with impending disaster as a group of meteors suddenly crashed through the side of the ship. However, the Doctor was still the Doctor, and even with the ship falling apart around them and a mystery threatening to take all of their lives, he still managed to find the time to get to know the young, attractive women who always seemed to crop up around him.

The last few times that the Doctor had asked someone to come with him, he had been met with hesitancy or even out-right refusal - even with Rose, he had had to ask twice. But this time, it was Astrid herself who offered to come with him, her eagerness to see the stars and explore time and space making her bold enough to extend the offer before he ever even got the chance.

"It's not always safe ..." he warned her hesitantly, not exactly sure if the excited swelling inside of his hearts was to be trusted or not.

"So you need someone to take care of you!" she insisted adamantly. "I've got no one back on Sto - no family, just ... me. So, what do you think? Can I come with you?"

The desperation in her eyes reminded him sharply of that time from oh, so long ago when he had looked up at the night sky over Gallifrey and began making plans to run away. That was centuries ago, and he had seen so many people come and go during the space in between. Still, no matter what, the Doctor alone continued running - never stopping, never faltering whenever someone or something needed help. He couldn't help but wonder how long Astrid could run. Everyone, no matter how perfect or brilliant they were, eventually left him in one form or another when they got tired of it or simply couldn't go on any more. However, the excited gleam in Astrid's eyes gave the Doctor hope that maybe this time - maybe just this once - he had found someone who was willing to go just as far as he was, and he found himself relenting before he even had the chance to consciously think the decision through.

"Yeah, I'd like that," he murmured with a small, heartfelt smile that Astrid immediately answered with one of her own.

They were forced to part ways not long after that, but even with time ticking down around them, that didn't stop Astrid from grabbing the nearest box that she could find, climbing on top of it, and pulling the Doctor into a hard, desperate kiss. The Doctor struggled to remain still as his memories immediately took him back to a futuristic hospital in New New York with cat-nun-nurses and a pair of soft, pink lips and yellow hair. He had to fight very hard to remind himself that this was a different time, a different place, and a different person, and not to lose himself in the moment as Astrid pulled back and gazed at him with wide, gleaming eyes.

There was no sharp, burning attraction to her kiss that made him want to shy away like he had experienced with Martha - it was simply an honest, unashamed offer of farewell and comfort that made his hearts melt in a way that he hadn't experienced ever since Rose had left. The Doctor found that he was even less equipped to handle this than he was the blatant flirting that he had been forced to endure with his previous companion, and he stared at Astrid in shock for a few moments as he desperately scrambled to get his thoughts back in order once more.

Her kiss was still burning on his lips as he watched her tip over the edge and fall the long way down into the core of the ship's engines, taking the evil Max Capricorn with her as she selflessly sacrificed herself - and her dreams of seeing the stars - in order to save the rest of their lives. The Doctor realized as he watched her disappear into the ball of flame below that he had been wrong about her from the very beginning - ever since he had first met Astrid, he had been comparing her to Rose (just as he suspected that he would compare all women, from now until the end of time), but that wasn't right. Astrid wasn't like Rose, not at all - she was like him.

He fought desperately to bring her back - even at the very end, it seemed that the Doctor still didn't quite know how to let go and say goodbye. But eventually he forced himself to follow her example, and he gave her one last kiss before he sent her atoms scattering across the stars, where she could travel into eternity, just like he would. The Doctor realized then that he had been right in his first evaluation of the young, blonde woman - she would never stop running, never stop exploring, never stop dreaming of more. The Doctor just wished that she could have done so by his side. Because, where as Astrid had all of creation at her disposal now to keep her company, the Doctor was once more forced to go on completely and totally alone.