#the gif is the thumbnail for what I’m going to paint next I was just procrastinating from choosing the colors

[svampira]

doodles

[thatone-brightstar]

The Bear & The Fox (Carmy Berzatto x Fem!Reader)

Chapter 11: Collateral Damage

Words: 5.8k

Summary: It's been a month since your breakup with Carmy and Syd wouldn't ask for your help unless they were absolutely slammed.

a/n: 1 more chapter + epilogue to go and I don't know what to do with myselffff!!!!

Thank you for sticking around thus far and commenting is always appreciated!

Heartbreak is a funny little thing. You can walk a delicate line all your life to avoid feeling it, but one way or another it’ll find you. It’s the eternal debate: To avoid all and spare yourself from hurt, but live a life of emptiness and quiet; or to welcome the pain like an old friend, at peace and knowing you never stopped trying. Everyone chooses a side at some point, but you’re never really spared from it. 

You’ve always hated the part of you that feels too deeply. The one that created stories out of strangers, wonder struck by microseconds of eye contact, then shattered when they step off the train. The one that no matter how many times was dolefully blown into the ground, it still believes in good grace and  happy endings.

“So yeah… That’s basically it since the last time I saw you.” You say, twirling the small ring with the aquamarine stone that you had stopped wearing long ago. You look up to the woman sitting across from you and ask “What? You asked me how I was.”

“And I wasn’t expecting a two hour monologue.”

“Well what did you expect? Haven’t seen you in months, I needed to vent…” You fight back.

You can hear the soft scribbles of her pen for a couple minutes and you make yourself comfortable against the soft pillows that fill up most of her couch.

“So, how long has it been?” She speaks again.

“Bout a month…” You sigh.

“And have either of you tried reaching out?”

“No, I-” You take a breath and ponder over the question, the single unanswered text weighing heavy on your phone. “I wouldn’t know what to say. Besides, I’ve been too busy with my paintings and helping out with the auction. I don’t really have time for… anything else. I-I guess he’s been busy too.” 

“But you still know what he’s up to?” She asks with raised brows.

You shrug with a single shoulder and chew at your thumbnail with slight nerves. “Syd talks about work sometimes, when we go out. But I think she kinda feels guilty for bringing him up. I told her it’s fine.” The woman looks at you skeptically through the small circular glasses. “I’m fine.” You half lie. “I am, it's just… The auction is this weekend and they’re catering so… I don’t really know how I’m supposed to feel…”

“Because you’ll see him again?”

“...Yeah.”

The woman calls your name again and you rip your eyes from the ring on your finger, heavy inside your own head to hear her question.

“So, is your set finished?” She asks to change the conversation.

“Mhm. It only took me a couple weeks to finish but -” Your smile curls slowly at the edge of your lips. “I'm really proud of them.”

“That’s great to hear.” She whispers with a genuine smile. “You know, heartbreak can also be a beautiful thing. It’s painful, yes, but it also gives a vulnerability we don’t regularly allow ourselves. It lets us create wonderful things. It’s all part of the human experience. It truly is nice to know you’re doing better, even after going MIA for months.” She says with a practiced tone mothers use to scold you.

She schedules you in for the next month and you promise to not bail this time, then walking out the office with your bag over your shoulder and a lightweight heart. The prospect of seeing him at the auction is still heavy on your mind as you make your way to the train station and the simple thought fills your chest like a crisp breath of air. ‘He could just send Syd’ you think and you try to not engage too much with the idea in fear that it may sour your good mood.  Instead you focus on your steady steps and people watching, ‘whatever happens, happens.’ you mumble under your breath.

**********

Syd’s call had pulled you from the comfort of your home before the sun was even visible over the horizon. Her worried tone had you waking up instantly and darting frantically around your darkened room in search of anything that could shield you from the increasing cold, then out the door and in the dreaded direction of The Beef. 

It’s been a month since you last spoke with Carmy and even though in the grand scheme of time, it’s only a mere speck of dust, to you it had felt eternal. Small snippets blur together into one long strenuous day, piggy-backing off your grief and pushing your shoulders deeper into the ground. You had called him a few days after in hopes that you could talk things over, but it went straight to voicemail. So you left a text that you anxiously waited an answer for the following days. All of a sudden, one week turned into two, then three and before you knew it, a month had gone by without a response. You kept busy picking up most of the planning to avoid any crossing thought of him, only allowing yourself to break with your canvas in front and acrylics to spear. 

You had done enough to convince yourself you were fine, that even if he were to show up tomorrow and not send Syd on his behalf, you'd be fine. 

Fine. Fine. Fucking fine. 

Everything was fucking fine until this morning when Syd had called to ask for help at the restaurant. Richie had been arrested, the place was a mess and they were behind on prep for the event tomorrow because they were lacking hands. Protesting would only lose you time that they did not have, so in place of that you settle to ignore the treacherous wormhole vacuuming out the few remains of confidence you had saved for tomorrow as you wait for the train that’ll leave you on River North Station.

Twenty three minutes later, you're walking at a brisk pace through the streets with a thick knot for a stomach and a growing unease. You push through the door and stop in your tracks at the shock and disarray of the place.

“What the fuck? Ugh-” 

The potent smell of alcohol is the first thing that invades your nose, along with the stickiness of the floor the deeper you walk into the room. There’s solo cups scattered everywhere and half working Christmas lights hanging loosely over the walls. Some frames from the front wall lay broken, spewing shards of glass all around the tiles.

“Mi amor, qué sorpresa!” You hear Tina’s voice from behind the counter and you slowly walk towards her, the small pieces shattering under the weight of your boots.

She hugs you tight and kisses your cheek. “Tina, what the hell happened in here?! It smells like the fuckin’ Hangover…”

“Ay baby, don’t even get me started with these knuckleheads-”

You take another woeful look around, then follow her inside as she recounts the little information Sydney gave them from the frantic phone call she had with Carmen. How they rented out The Beef for a bachelor’s and Richie had knocked out some drunk while defending Carmen’s ass. It’s strange to you, the pair’s relationship. How they were always ready to rip each other to pieces, but would jump to save the other without a second thought. They said they couldn’t stand one another, but you’re sure they’re something either can’t live without.

“So what, he’s in for aggravated assault?” You ask.

“Only if the guy wakes up.” Marcus answers with a broom in hand, sweeping away remnants of glitter and tinsel.

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Could be 5 to 25 for accidental manslaughter…” Sweeps chimes in while carrying a full trash bag to the back.

Your throat closes up and behind your concern, you hear Marcus ask Sweeps how he knows so much about the matter. ‘Bro, I told you. I went to Harvard Law…’ ‘Oh yeah…’

You breathe in  deep while maintaining the possibility of his release still in your mind and you head to Syd’s side, pulling your hair up into a ponytail automatically. 

“Alright, brigade’s here. What d’you need?” You say after a quick hug hello.

“Guess you know more about it than I do…”

She’s flipping through the binder with all the recipes and images of the canapes they’d be serving, the one you helped Carmy assemble all those months back. Despite a few scribbles and notes at the foot of some recipes, it’s practically the same. You bend the corner lightly on the last page to find the miniature ‘C’ surrounded by purile hearts and your morning coffee grows knotty in your gut.

“Is he…” You try asking, but the sentence loses power half way through.

Syd seems to catch your drift. “No, no. He’s been down at the station since dawn.”

You nod absentmindedly with your eyes glued to the page. 

“Okay, um. Marcus left the sourdough for the tapas rising all night yesterday, so we have a good start on that-” Syd began and you pull all your attention to the task at hand. “Beef’s already bracing in the oven but it’ll take a couple more hours. You can start with the ginger- tangerine compote. That’ll go on the brie.” She says, handing you one of the blue aprons. 

“Alright, heard.” The words feel unnatural rolling off your tongue after being away from a kitchen for so long.

She leaves you in search of Fak, urging him to finish fixing the backed up sink in the Steward section. You drown out the bicker and hastily make your way into the walk-in, throwing the apron over your head and tying the back securely around your waist. It’s almost as if the familiar pressure unveils a dormant sensation and you soon find yourself navigating with ease through the skills you thought forgotten. The knife feels at home under your palm -heftier than a paint brush but still requires the same level of  concentration- as you separate the tangerine supremes and add them to the pot holding clarified butter, sugar and rosemary leaves. Everyone works in a rhythmic but comfortable silence, a stark difference from the frantic, unmeasured mess they seemed to thrive in when you still worked here. 

“Yo chef?” Marcus calls from your left. 

You lift your head to him while you finish peeling the ginger. “What's up?”

“Mind tasting this for me? It’s for the gig but somethin’ bout the filling don’t feel right…”

You nod and wipe your hands on your rag, then take a bite into the miniature stuffed doughnut that doesn’t seem bigger than an Oreo. The flavors are too thick to tell them apart but  the softness of the dough allows it to almost melt in your mouth. 

“The dough’s perfect-“ You say between bites, the compliment blooming over his face into a grin. “How bout a different filling though, there’s a lot going on and you can’t really enjoy the texture.”

“Right!? See, that’s what I was thinkin’. Got anything in mind?”

“Mmm, you could try a chai cream filling.”

“Just milk and cinnamon, then?”

“Yes and also no” You answer with a smile. “Try to steep some black tea in milk with cinnamon and ginger. Then instead of sugar, add honey to your crème and the chai milk. It should be a little bit more runny so when it cools it doesn’t get that jelly-like consistency from the egg.” You finish then turn back to peeling off the skin of the ginger with your spoon. 

Marcus is still standing beside you with a pleased smile. “You really know your stuff, huh? Thought you was burnt out.” and you lightly hit him over the arm with the back of your spoon. 

“Oh, I can totally smoke your ass baker boy..” You grin.

Before he can fight back, a sudden commotion by the entrance has you lifting your head above the second level of the table and searching for the noise. The slick handle of the spoon  almost slips past your hand when your eyes capture the image of two very sleep deprived Carmen and Richie walking through the staff door. You can see everyone showering them with attention, how Tina hugs Richie tight then smacks him hard over the head, but the loud ringing in your ears and the sudden rush of cold blood prevent you from moving any closer. Not that you’d want to anyway. You try to pull yourself together, wiping your clammy hands for the tenth time and watching them advance deeper into the room. Richie’s the first to spot you and true to his nature, he lets the whole room know that he’s seen you, with outstretched palms in your direction.

“Oh, shit! This a fuckin’ family reunion?!” His hand falls heavily over the crown of your head and you swat it away with a smack.

“How’s prison?” 

“Oh, y'know…free food, can’t complain.”

“D’you get yourself a bitch?” You tease.

“Yeah, brought ‘em home, actually-” He says pointing back to Carmy, causing the forming grin on your face to fall when you see he’s been watching you. You pull your eyes from him and back to your cutting board. “Oh right, my bad…”

You shake your head, mumbling a sharp ‘asshole’ through gritted teeth. Richie takes off to the back and you’re finally left at peace.

You fall into a pronounced balance of chopping and continuously stirring the compote, until it reaches the needed consistency and you pull it off the fire to cool. You check it off Syd’s thoroughly organized list and scroll down to find the next task, then make your way back into the walk-in. With a bowl resting on your hip, you pick out a few pears you’ll need, then hear the creak of the metal door open and you assume it’s Syd coming in to take a breather from the frenetic kitchen.

“Yo, I’m gonna start poaching the pears. You’re out of red wine but I can run to the corner store and try to flirt with the clerk to knock a few bucks off a bottle-”

The slick bowl almost slips from your grip when your eyes catch his. A chill slithers from your neck, down your spine and wraps around your knees, rendering them uselessly immobile as Carmy just stares you down through tired lids. The room grows uncomfortably smaller with the two of you locked inside and you're afraid that he can hear the irregular tempo in your quickening pulse. You wonder if the slight shock in his brows is due to not knowing you were in there. It only flashes for a second, then his features conceal behind a curtain of indifference, making your stand straighter.

“H-hey.” He says with a feign coolness as he wraps his own apron around his waist and moves deeper into the room, as if it’s the most natural thing to find you between the inventory of his restaurant.

You turn back to the shelf so he doesn’t notice the multiple quivery inhales it takes for your voice to sound somewhat even. “Syd asked me for help, that’s why I’m here I-”

“No- yeah, I get it- I wasn’t-” He cuts himself off and takes a breath that has your wavering stare slowly inching towards him. “Thank you…”

You finally turn to him, only holding his stare for a second, then give him a tight smile and wrap both arms securely around the bowl that wants to slip from your clammy palms. His lips part and you wait for anything else to leave his mouth, maybe a ‘How’ve you been?’ or a ‘Can we talk?’. But nothing does and you try to not let it sting as much as it normally does when you get your hopes up. You take a reluctant step towards the door, then another and another, only stopping when your name vibrates in the concealed room.

“Yeah…?” You turn with a full chest.

He holds an unopened bottle of wine in your direction, face blank. “Bottom left shelf.” He says, shrugging.

“Oh. Right.” You take it without meeting his stare so he doesn’t see the grief slapped across it and quickly push yourself out the space.

You spend the better part of half an hour peeling the thin skin off the pears and letting the simmering wine and spices fill the kitchen with a strong sweetness. Carmy’s presence looms around the room as he checks in with every station on their progress, but doesn’t stop with you. All you get is a soft ‘Behind’ and the tingling sensation of his touch on your lower back as he passes by. You don’t know if it’s on purpose or not, although it doesn't really matter to the breath that stops in your throat when he does it. ‘Just finish this and you can leave.’ you repeat to yourself. Though you know you won’t, at least not until they’re up to schedule, even if every second sharing the same space withers at your soul.

You do your best to focus on your task, only talking to Tina when she gently squeezes your forearm to ask if you're okay, because your brows are glued into that permanent scowl that only displays your irritation outward.

“Yeah I, um- just got a lot on my plate.” You tell her and try to not let it trigger the tears you’ve hoarded in the back of your throat.

“No te hará sentir mejor-” She whispers to your side. 

“-Probably not-”

“-pero él está igual de miserable que tú. Really baby, you should have a talk with him, y’know, straighten things out.”

“T, ni siquiera me ve a la cara…” You whisper back. “How am I supposed to straighten anything out if he won’t even look at me?”

“Ay, baby I know. But I’ve known that stubborn boy all his life and let me tell you, since he came back from Madison Square Park -or wherever the fuck-, he was all different and… bitchy. And it wasn’t ‘till you came along that he finally felt like the Carmy we all knew before… pues ya tu sabes.” She says in reference to his brother.

“You two are good for each other, but you’re both stubborn as hell… talk it out, okay? Don’t lose somethin’ good ‘cause you're stubborn.” Tina rubs your shoulder reassuringly then with a final smile. she turns yelling ‘Corner!’ and disappears behind the tall stands.

You swallow down the aching knot and distract yourself with the slippery fruit in your hands.

“Can I..?” You see his hands before hearing his voice, as he lightly places a white cutting board a few feet away from you. You eye the curves of discoloring letters above his knuckles, then force your stare back to your own working hands and shrug.

“Sure… your kitchen.”

He only nods, from your side view you see how his eyes linger on you for a few moments then fall back down. The air between you feels thick despite the music playing from the hoarse stereo and a light layer of conversation from the staff. There’s a heavy pressure over your chest that only seems to expand with every silent minute passing between you. 

Then Carmy clears his throat. “How’s-uhm- your set.. for the auction?” 

Confusion and irritation brew in synchronicity with your wine and you try to hide the annoyance his question brings you. He acts as if he’s just seen you the day before, as if things had ended with a friendly handshake and a mutual agreement, not with him breaking up with you and completely vanishing from your life.

“It’s fine.” You turn to the burners and stir the pot slowly to keep it from burning and also to avoid his heavy gaze.

You taste it to make sure the flavors are correct then turn back to finally finish peeling the last of your pears. Carmy stares at you like he wants to say something else, but just contemplates the seriousness of your features and the flow of your hands as you move the peeler in a frenzy. Each stroke grows closer to your skin and he just feels the need to warn you.

“Careful you’re gonna-”

“Mierda!” You hiss, dropping the handle immediately and cradling your palm under the injured one. “Hijo de puta!”

He’s by your side in a second, with his clean towel hovering under your hands and taking the fruit that you crushed involuntarily when the pain closed your fist. 

“It’s fine- I’m fine.” 

“No you’re not, you’re bleeding-”

“I said I’m fine!” You pry your hand hard enough to hear a slight pop from your wrist.

Carmy’s hands fall to his sides and you divert your gaze to the floor walking to the nearest sink to clean your wound. You hiss again when the warm water hits your palm and a gash at the bottom of it is finally visible. Fucking perfect. You scrub remnants of puree and blood off, until the water runs a light pink and you're relieved to see it won’t need stitches. A gauze and some tape will suffice, so you wrap it in some paper towels to avoid dripping and march to the small office where you find the kit. The quicker you move, the faster you’ll be out of the confined space that makes you feel like a vulnerable prey. But your fingers tremble from the light sting and the edge of the wrapper isn’t cooperating with your dull nails. Tiny droplets of blood pool in the center of your palm, the frustration grows too quickly and you slam the unopened gauze flat on the desk.

“Fuck!”

‘It’s fine, you’re fine.’ The voice in your head circles through the same phrase, pretending that the sudden proximity of him didn’t unearth something you have tried so hard to bury down for the last month. You thought you could be mature enough to ignore the crushing weight settling over you with every stare, but the wisps of frigid indifference that radiated off him wrapped a tightening noose around your neck and you weren’t sure how long you had until it finally killed you. 

A soft click pulls your attention from the crimson in your hand. Carmy stands with raised palms, inching slowly towards your intense glare, then reaches out a hand as if trying to help a wounded animal. Which in a way, you are and the joke forming in your mind about the bear helping a fox would be rather funny if you weren’t so immensely upset with him.

With a ragged sigh, you turn in the small space and stretch out your hand to him, eyes locking on a painting on the wall to evade his stare. You ignore the furor of goosebumps that invade your skin the second his touch is on you. Carmen’s hand holds you in the cocoon of his fist, thumb rubbing delicate circles beside the battered spot while he uses the paper towel to soak up all the blood. You reprimand your wayward beats for their reaction to his innocent touch and you have to constantly pull your wandering gaze from reaching the dangerous borders of his tightened jaw. His deep exhales fan the baby hairs resting at the bottom of your neck, his attention fixed on the small imperfection. His movements are slow, asking each muscle for permission to move the next, because having you this close after so long is a luxury he does not want to rush through, not if he’s never getting it again. 

Carmy understood your anger. He could feel it radiating off you in waves that bounced in the small space, but he also understood that he’s never had enough words to properly express the turmoil of everythingness swirling constantly inside his head. He wanted to let you know how hard it had been for him too. Confess the unhealthy amount of time he was spending at the restaurant- only going home to shower then leaving again- because he was afraid of the scent of your perfume and how it lingered on every breathable space in his home… apartment- not home- at least not since you had gone.

He focuses on swabbing the sanitizing wipe tenderly in hopes that his actions can transmit what he can’t say. The alcohol makes you hiss again and his eyes flicker to your frowned brows, mumbling a soft ‘sorry’.

He only lets go to tear open the gauze and some tape, then takes you in his grasp again to wrap your palm up safely. You expect him to let go once he’s done. To create as much needed space to fit the betrayal he portrayed the last time you saw him, this would only explain why he never called back. But he doesn’t. And he doesn’t look up at you either. Your stares meet on the flesh where his thumb still brushes over the blood-stained pit, your chest raises in slow puffs and the uninjured hand grips tightly over the edge hitting behind you. This is all too familiar again, right down to the brewing anxiety trickling heat into your overworked veins. You can't help but to foolishly crawl your pupils over the navy blue of his apron, past the strained tendons of his neck, the sharpness of his nose and to the beautiful blue you had missed so much.

Neither of you notice how the space has reduced to mere inches between you until his eyes flicker to yours and every single speck is bright and visible for your admiration. He swallows down hard, the Adam's apple bouncing in his throat portrays his nerves openly to you. The last reasonable, minute voice in his head tells him to pull away, but the way you’re staring up at him has his body tilting in your direction instead. Eyes wide and glossy dance around the freckles dusting his cheeks, causing his hand to float from your wrist to the dip of your waist and his forehead finally falls against yours.

You gasp in softly when his fingers dig into the center of your spine while his nose brushes along yours longingly. You can feel his sultry exhales ghost over the curve of your parted lips with doubt still present in his movements.

“Carmy…” The voice is above a whisper and you’re not sure you even have the strength to utter the sentence that’s formed in your head.

Your voice seems to trigger something in him. His jaw hardens, his fingers bunch up your shirt in a light fist and just as quickly, his grip on you loses strength and his hand falls to rest beside your fisted one. Then a grave sigh parts his chest and he takes a painful step back, unwilling to lift his eyes from the ground.

It takes a minute for you to react, then the butterflies in your stomach turn to wasps swarming in dangerous circles, unable to fly out due to the knot blocking your throat. He’s eerily silent, eyes glued to the floor to ignore your fiery glare.

“Sorry, I…” 

You scoff and shake your head, blinking rapidly to pull back the tears threatening to spill with your anger.

“Screw you, Carmen.” You untie the apron as quickly as you can with your injured hand and throw it at his desk before walking out of the small room.

With strong footsteps, you take your bag from above the lockers and escape out the back. The door slams hard as you push yourself out, Carmen following behind but by the time he calls your name you’re already a couple steps ahead.

“Fox!” He yells and you spin in his direction with nothing but anger over your face.

“Listen, I’m sor-”

“No-fuck you- you don’t get to talk, alright?! It’s my turn.” He takes a step back before crashing into you, jaw locked tight and regardless of the deafening ring in your ears, you refuse to bite your tongue again.

“Look Carmy, I am truly sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier and I’m so sorry that I’m here instead of your brother- but that does not mean you get a fuck-it-all free card and get to pull shit like that!” Tears of anger trickle down your heated skin and tickle the curve of your trembling lips.

“I called you Carmy…” The words burn as they force themselves to spill out. “I called you, and I texted you and I waited cause I knew you were pissed - and you have every fuckin’ right to be- but it doesn’t give you the right to kick me out of your life one second, then act as if everything’s fine the next, cause it’s not!”

The sounds of the city have grown mute between your heavy breaths and the erratic beating in your skull. You don’t expect him to answer and he doesn’t seem to have anything to say. He simply stands before you, eyes glossy and brows knitted as you bare all that you kept since the last time you saw him.

“I know you’re scared. And I know you’re angry and whatever this is-was-” You say pointing between you. “I know it didn’t come at a right time. But I meant what I said, Bear, I do love you. So fucking much. But that doesn’t mean it’s fair of you to take it out on me cause you’re angry at him… I refuse to be collateral damage for whatever the fuck you got going on.”

The weight over your chest might have shrunk, but it didn’t make you feel any less better than before, especially not with the way he’s looking at you. You want nothing more than to run to his side and kiss away the few stray drops that nest in the corner of his red rimmed eyes. You want to hug him tight until the loose pieces of his brokenness stick back together into one whole man, but the last of logic inside you knows that it would only serve as a temporary band-aid. So instead you offer a speck of a smile, just a soft curve that doesn’t reach your teary eyes.

“I love you, Carmy. So I dunno, give me a call when you sort it out- I know it’s more of a ‘when’ than an ‘if’ situation-… I think I’m stupid enough to answer.”

Carmen watches from his frozen position as you rub the tears away with the back of your hand, then the gravel crunches under your boots and in a few seconds you disappear around the corner. 

He has enough energy to slump over the crates by the wall and pull the crushed package of smokes from his back pocket. While the wisp of smoke swirls in the wind around him, he rubs his eyes until the image of your tear-soaked face blurs away behind the darkness. The gravel creeks again, heavy steps move from his left then settle with a groan beside him.

“I’m not in the mood, alright?” He says, eyes focused on the street at the end of the alley.

Richie doesn’t say anything, only takes out his own cigarette and joins his cousin in silence.

“Is there, um-” His voice is thick and wavering, barely holding on to controlled breaths. “Is there a name for… when you’re afraid of somethin’ good happening cause you think somethin’ bad’s gonna happen? ”

His thumb rubs anxiously over the same spot on his palm as he waits for Richie’s response.

“Fuck it, I dunno… life?” He takes a long drag, letting the exhale occupy the empty space in front of them. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah…” Then the silence falls over them again.

When his cigarette burns out, Carmy reaches for another, but before he can settle the lighter back down, Richie pulls out a small envelope from the pocket of his jacket and hands it to him. Carmy’s reluctant to take it, his eyes flicker between his cousin and the piece of paper, then he slowly reaches out.

“What’s this?”

“It’s from your asshole brother… R.I.P and whatnot.” Is all he says.

His hand trembles again, his breath short circuits and a new wave of dread nips at the back of his neck. He swallows hard and breathes in deep, bracing himself, before turning it over. ‘This day just keeps getting better…’

Chapter 12.

Taglist: @pearlstiare @teteminne, @beebslebobs, @harrysmatcha, @yum-yahgurt, @pussy-f41ry, @kirakombat and that’s it lmao

[eddiediaaz]

hello. it’s me again who asked for the ripped paper tutorial. i can’t wait to try it out later!! are you able to make a tutorial on how you put the text on the ripped paper? thank you so much ☺️

hello! sure! i'll explain how i made the ripped paper effect from this gifset in more details under the cut 😊 (it’s a different method than what i did on my previous tutorial here)

i apologize in advance for my lack of coherence, i’m not always the best at explaining stuff, especially not in english haha

first things first: make your gif, color it, sharpen it etc etc, and put all of it's layers in a group. i called mine “blended gifs”. oh and make sure you are in timeline mode, not frame animation!

then you want to import the ripped paper texture(s) you want to use onto your canvas and position them the way you want them to be on top of your gif, like this:

(i am using these textures for most of this gifset)

what you want to do next is create a mask of this torn up area so the gif layers only show up around the "hole". to do that, select the texture layer and press "ctrl" while clicking on the texture's thumbnail. this will create a selection of your ripped paper texture (you'll see a flashing dotted line showing your selection).

btw: the ctrl + click method works only if the image/texture has transparency like this texture does.

[if you want yo create your own torn/ripped shape with 2 or more textures, you can place them on top of each other and create a mask by doing ctrl + selecting the thumbnail of the first one, then while still holding ctrl, also hold the shift key and click on the second texture’s thumbnail (and the third, fourth, etc). this will add the shapes to the same selection and then you can create one layer mask with all of the shapes selected together.]

with that selection still active, you want to select your gif's folder you created earlier and click on the add layer mask button.

this will create a mask for the ripped paper edges on your gif, the group layer should look like this:

now disable the torn paper texture (by clicking on the eye next to it, you won’t need that torn paper texture layer again), and your gif should look like this so far:

as you can see, there's a transparency issue, and we're losing the top part of the gif. to fix that, you need to brush some white color onto the mask.

to do that, hit ctrl and select the group's mask thumbnail again, you will see the same selection as earlier show up. with the selection ready, select the brush tool in the color white (and 100% opacity), and go brush/paint some white over the whole layer mask. this should fix the transparency issue and the gif should look like this:

once you're done, hit ctrl + D to make the selection disappear, and still with the layer mask selected on the gif's group, with the brush tool paint some white at the top so we get the top of the image back. it should look like this:

(you can also brush more white or black to add/remove parts to this layer mask if you want to, it’s what i did for the original gif, actually.)

now you should be ready to put whatever you want in that ripped edges “hole” you’ve created.

what i did for this gifset is i found a random paper texture on google and used it as a background for my text. make sure you put this background texture under the gif folder, so it will only show up in the “hole”. (i put my texture in a group i renamed “text” because i love my psd compositions to be tidy lol)

then i just typed the text i wanted and positioned it the way i wanted it to look. the text layer should be over the paper texture but still under the gif folder:

to finalize the look I color corrected the paper to be a bit more bright and added some highlight on the text, here you can do whatever you want to make the text look the way you want it to look.

i also added a bit of dropped shadow on the edges of the ripped paper. to do that I selected the mask (ctrl + click the smart mask thumbnail), created a new color fill layer (the color is not important). this will create a layer with a layer mask of the selection. i then selected the smart mask thumbnail and hit ctrl + i to invert it, so my mask is not only the inside of the “hole”. then i put this layer on top of everything, and the fill at 0%. finally i added an inner shadow in the layer style options (by double clicking on that color fill layer).

and that is the final result!

i hope that wasn’t all too over the place or not too detailed? i wasn’t sure how familiar with photoshop you are 😊

@nightmaarebeforechristmas​ here u go!

[my-secret-shame]

🔮-> oh Fates who is my Oscar Isaac soulmate? 🥺 if you're still doing them! x

🔮THE FATES HAVE DECIDED🔮

Your soulmate is: William Tell

And you met: at the Chiropractor's office

You waited, fidgeting with your hands and trying to resist the urge to look at your phone. You’d forgotten to charge it before you came out and the battery was low. 

It was the first time you’d ever seen a chiropractor. You knew you shouldn’t be nervous, there was no need to be. But bounced your leg up and down none the less. 

Your doctor had recommended it. You had fallen off a step ladder while trying to paint the ceiling of your best friend’s flat. 

At the time it had just been funny, if a little embarrassing. But nothing more than a bit of bruising and a bashed ego. 

Then the pain had started the next day. And the next. And the next.

And now you were here. 

There were some magazines on the table, but you weren’t interested in looking through them. In fact-

Another customer came in and spoke briefly with the receptionist before taking the free seat next to you. 

You froze, barely managing to resist the urge to stare at the stranger – who just so happened to be the most beautiful man you had ever seen. 

Your nerves grew tenfold. 

For a minute you stared straight ahead, trying your best to quieten your ragging heartbeat. 

Then you snuck a small glance at him. Then another. Then one more after that.

He was reading a beaten-up paperback, the pages folded almost completely over on themselves so that you couldn’t see the title. 

Maybe if-

You glanced upwards and saw him staring back at you, eyebrows slightly raised. 

Heat flooded your skin. “I’m so sorry, I just, erm, was looking at what you’re reading.” 

He smiled, a little pull at the corner of his lips. Then held the front up for you. 

“Erm, thank you.” 

“No problem.” He stayed looking at you, didn’t go straight back to reading like you had expected. 

“Is it, I mean, are you enjoying it?” 

He nodded. “I’ve read it before.”

“Ah.” You swallowed and looked away, picking at the skin around your thumbnail absentmindedly. 

“Nervous?”

“Yes.” You blurted out, looking back to him. 

He graced you with another of those little smiles. “It’s fine, nothing like the dentist. No need to worry.”

“I don’t mind the dentist.”

That made his smile widen. “Well, I haven’t heard that before.” 

“Are you a dentist?” God if he was you would definitely be booking regular appointments, anything to have him looming over you. 

He shook his head. 

“Sorry, I’m, I’m just,”

“Nervous?” 

“Yeah.” You laughed. 

He closed the book, you noticed that he didn’t use a bookmark or bend the page back. “I’m William.” He held his hand out to you. 

You told him your name as you shook it. His hand was firm, reassuring. 

“I’ve been seeing chiropractor’s for a little while now,” he gestured to his shoulder. “Old injury.” 

“Do they help?”

He nodded. “I usually need check-ups, I’m not so good at keeping up with the stretches they recommend.” 

You opened your mouth to speak but the receptionist called out your name. 

“Thank you,” you smiled, though wishing you could have stayed and spoken to him for just a little longer. 

“Good luck.” He said as you went to your appointment. 

.

It was surprisingly helpful. The chiropractor had been kind and understanding when you told her you were feeling a bit anxious. 

You had to book another appointment for the following week. And just as you went around the corner and entered the reception, you couldn’t help the grin that broke out of your face. 

William was in line, waiting to speak to the receptionist. 

He gave you another smile, his eyes lighting up upon seeing you. “Hello.”

“Fancy seeing you here.”

“How did it go?”

You nodded. “It was good, really good, definitely helped.”

“Good.”

“What about you?”

“Also helpful. I got told off for not doing my stretches again.”

“You could always lie and say you did them.”

He grinned and leaned a little closer to you, all conspiratorial. “They’d know.” 

Just as the receptionist conversation was coming to an end, William turned fully towards you. “Are you busy, after this?” 

You shook your head.

“Would you like to be?”

Thank you so much!

My Secret Shame's Little Party

[starberry-sims]

hi! i was wondering how do you make your lookbooks? im horrible at photoshop/gimp so if you could, could you describe it in detail of what to do?

hi there! i'm so sorry for the late reply! i made a mini tutorial here going into detail on how i take pictures of my sims in cas and how i edit them! i use paint tool sai for the majority of my edits and add filters in photoshop. here’s a more detailed process on how i edit my lookbooks after this step (under the cut)

this part of my editing process mostly uses clipping layers and selection tool, so it’s a good idea to get familiar with those. i’ve never used gimp before, but i know that photoshop has both of these tools and i know there are other art/photo editing programs that do too (procreate, clip studio paint, sai, etc).

once i’m finished cutting out the background from cas and editing my sims, i arrange them on my canvas in a way i like:

the checkered background shows that it is transparent, so i am able to add a background underneath the sim

i add a layer below my sim to act as my “photo template”. i use a template so i know where to put my images below my sim. i included the png below so you can feel free to use it for your own lookbooks. you can also make your own if you’d like and mess around with the layout for your background.

once i have my template ready, i gather some photos from pinterest that i feel match my lookbook. i usually try to go by the colour scheme or general aesthetic of the look. i then loosely arrange the photos over the template. they don’t have to perfectly overlap since we’ll be clipping them in the next part

this next part can be a bit tricky to describe so just bear with me haha,, basically, i use clipping layers to add my photos and cut them to the template without having to erase any of the excess. when you “clip” a layer to another layer in photoshop, it will essentially take the shape of that layer?? i’m not the best at explaining it but its a really easy way to add my photos without having to specifically crop them to perfectly fit the template. 

to clip layers in photoshop, first put your photo layer above your template layer

then go up to your “layer” option in the menu bar and select “create clipping mask”. 

you can also hold the alt key and position your mouse so it’s between the two layers, then click, as a shortcut. i prefer doing this since it’s faster and especially more helpful when i have to clip multiple layers

here’s a look at what the photos look like clipped vs unclipped:

if you’re still confused on clipping layers, you can find a more in depth explanation here :)

once i have my background ready, i’ll add my sim and make adjustments if necessary

you can leave it here if you’d like, but i like to take it one step further by adding a subtle shadow underneath to add some dimension and separate the background from the sim! i start by making a selection of my sim. this can be done easily by holding + clicking the ctrl key over the thumbnail of your sim layer. its important to make sure that your sim is on a transparent layer so you get a clean selection of the sims silhouette

your selection should look something like this

with the selection made, make a new layer below your sim layer for your shadow. then, select a dark colour and use the paint bucket tool to fill in your selection. i try to avoid using a pure black for the shadow since it tends to look pretty harsh, and try and pick something similar to the colours of the layout. for this one, i went with a dark purple.

your layer should look something like this

i then add a blur by going into filter > blur > gaussian blur, then adjust according to preference. you should have something like this

i then add my sim back and adjust the opacity of my shadow layer if needed

and here’s what the finished lookbook looks like! i hope this made sense and was helpful in some sort of way,, feel free to experiment with this method and create some cool stuff :)

[daryl-dixon-daydreams]

Words: 3,324 Daryl Dixon x Reader Reader pronouns: she/her Era: Alexandria Warnings: Language, typical TWD stuff A/N: This is Part 6 of a series! Find the previous parts on the Masterlist! Summary: Daryl worries about Y/N after the traumatic incident outside the wall.

Your name: submit What is this?

Daryl didn’t see you that whole day after he had talked with Rick, or the next morning so he decided to pay you a visit and make sure you were okay. He wiped his hands on the rag he always kept in his back pocket and put away the tools he had been using to work on his bike. Just as he was getting ready to leave, Aaron stepped out into the garage and Daryl greeted him with a nod.

“Done for the day?”

Daryl shrugged. “For now at least.” He thoughtfully chewed his bottom lip for a moment. “Hey, uhh, ya seen Y/N since that night we got back?”

Aaron’s face fell a bit but he nodded. “I stopped by her place yesterday.”

Daryl leaned back against the table, crossing his arms over his chest. “How’d she seem?”

Aaron shrugged and sighed heavily. “She seemed… okay. I don’t think she’s been sleeping,” he said a little hesitantly. He shook his head, frowning. “The bruising on her neck… it’s bad. Thank God you were there.”

Daryl’s stomach flipped at the thought. “Ya… Well, the whole thing was bad. Those people? Seemed like—” he hesitated to say what was on his mind, to confide in Aaron, but he also felt like it was eating him alive. Maybe if he spoke it, he would feel less consumed by it. “It seemed like they knew her.”

Aaron’s brow drew down low over his eyes. “Hmm. What do you mean?”

“I heard ‘em say she was comin’ ‘back where she belongs.’ And more than that—if they had wanted to kill her, she’d be dead. They both had guns and knives on ‘em. But they didn’t. They were tryin’ ta take her.”

The shadow on Aaron’s face deepened and he rubbed a hand thoughtfully over his chin and mouth. “Well, I don’t think I need to tell you that the intentions of some men out there in this world are even more emboldened now,” he said with disgust.

“Yeah… But ain’t the first time neither. That night I stitched up that gash in her arm she said the same thing. She said ‘if they had wanted to kill me, I’d be dead.’”

Aaron gulped and shook his head. “I don’t know what—I just—I don’t know,” he said vaguely. “She hasn’t told me much about before.”

Daryl turned back to the table and fiddled with some of the parts. “Seems like she’s got a target painted on her. Maybe she shouldn’t be out,” he thought aloud.

Aaron shook his head. “Yeah, well that will never happen. Trying to keep her inside Alexandria is like trying to hold water in your hands. We’d probably have to lock her up.” He sighed heavily again and rested his hands on his hips. “Whatever is out there, whatever her past is… she knows the risks of going out. There isn’t going to be any convincing her to stay inside.”

Daryl nodded and chewed the side of his thumbnail. “Ya…”

Aaron let out a wry laugh. “I mean, can you imagine if someone told you that you needed to stay inside?”

One corner of Daryl’s mouth twitched upwards. “Ya. I know. Ain’t happenin’.” Daryl sighed. “Well, I guess the only thing for it is to try to convince her not to go alone.”

Aaron smiled at the archer. “Sounds reasonable. Know anyone for the job?” he joked. Daryl shot him a look and Aaron laughed and held his hands up. “See you later, Daryl.”

Daryl hummed an acknowledgement, set down the part he’d been anxiously fiddling with, and headed out of the garage in the direction of your house.

He felt a bit nervous as he climbed the stairs on your front porch, noticing how clammy his palms suddenly felt, and when first he knocked there was a long silence. He wondered if you were going to answer the door at all and a distinct worry seized him—that you really weren’t okay. But, finally, he could hear some soft footsteps approaching the other side of the door and then it opened a crack.

You peeked out hesitantly but as soon as you saw it was Daryl you opened the door wide. “Daryl. Hi.”

He cleared his throat a little awkwardly. “Hey.”

Aaron was right. You looked exhausted. There were dark circles under your eyes and your shoulders were somewhat slumped.

You continued to peer at him, waiting for some explanation for why he was standing there at your door.

“I, uhh—I hadn’t seen ya since we got back. Just wanted to see if ya needed anything. Ya know, and see how you’re healin’ up.”

“Oh. That’s—you want to come in?” you offered stepping back to make way for his broad-shouldered frame.

“Thanks,” Daryl murmured as he crossed the threshold. You shut the door behind him and he followed you up the hall and into the kitchen. He could see a pillow and blanket laid out on the couch in the living room. It looked like you’d been camping out there. He gave you a questioning glance. “So, how ya feelin’?” Daryl’s eyes found the dark bruising around your neck.

“I’m fine. Thanks,” you said a little quietly.

He considered you thoughtfully for a moment, chewing the inside of his cheek. “Ya sure?”

You sighed heavily and pressed a hand to your forehead. “Yeah. I just—haven’t slept really,” you admitted.

Daryl nodded, looking again at the makeshift bed in your living room. “Ya camping out down here?”

You followed him as he trailed over to peer at the blankets spilling off the couch and onto the floor. “Uhh… sort of. I thought maybe a change of scenery would help.” And you had the thought that if you were on the ground floor, you’d hear someone trying to break into your house…

“Did it?” he asked, his blue eyes finding yours.

“Not really.”

The archer’s brow drew down, veiling his eyes in shadow, and he let out a hum of acknowledgement. “Ya know if having other people around would help, ya could—” he cleared his throat again, his heart racing, “ya could come stay over at our place. We’ve got a full house. Ya know, if—if it’d feel safer. Ya could take my bed. It’s in the basement away from everybody.” He watched your eyelashes flutter as you looked up at him in surprise.

“Oh. I can’t—that—that’s okay,” you said, averting your eyes back down toward your feet.

Daryl’s heart was pounding as he offered up his second idea, nervously rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “Well, I—I could stay over here. Just to, ya know, keep an eye on things. If it’d help.” Your eyes lifted back up to his face again and there was that vulnerability in your eyes again that always surprised him. He watched as your lips parted slightly as you prepared to speak.

“I can’t—I can’t ask you to do that,” you said softly, quickly averting your eyes from the sudden softness in his and fiddling with the hem of your sleeve.

“Ya ain’t askin’. I offered,” he said. “If ya think it’d help ya get some sleep. You’re healin’ up. Ya need it.”

You glanced up at him again, now your expression was somewhat guarded as you took him in. You gulped at the nervous lump in your throat. “They aren’t gonna miss you over there?” you asked hesitantly.

“Nah,” he said.

You watched him for a long moment, considering his offer, but at length you nodded, remembering how well you had slept with him nearby even outside of Alexandria’s walls. Since you’d gotten back the nightmares had returned and gotten worse, likely a result of your latest encounter. “Okay. If—if you don’t mind.”

Daryl’s heart fluttered at the grateful look you gave him, your eyes fixed on him and only him. He nodded. “I dun mind.” He nudged his nose up at you twice in a nod. “I’ll come by later.” You watched as he stalked into the kitchen and went over to the refrigerator.

“What are you doing?” You watched him pull it open and look inside before glancing back over his shoulder at you.

He closed the door pointedly. “Just what I thought. Ain’t got no damn food in here either. Ya been eatin’?”

You gulped and shrugged vaguely.

“Ya, uh huh. I’ll bring somethin’ later. Ya need to eat,” he rumbled. He started to stride quickly to the front door and you trailed a little behind him. He stopped on the threshold and looked back at you. There was that softness in his eyes again that always made your heart jump. “I’ll be back later, alright?”

You avoided his eyes, feeling suddenly silly and ashamed of what you were asking him to do, that you needed someone else when you tried so hard not to need anyone or anything. His deep voice, rough with gravel called your eyes back to his.

“Hey. It ain’t no big deal. Alright?” he said, trying to reassure you, reading the shame on your face as clearly as if the word had been tattooed on your forehead.

You nodded a little, giving in to his reassurance. “Okay.”

“’Kay,” he agreed. You watched him cross the porch and go down your stairs, headed back home. That’s what he had. A home. It hit you that all you really had was an empty house and your heart ached. It was the price you paid for trying to keep almost everyone at arm’s length. You sighed heavily and shut the door.

Several hours later, there was another knock on the front door. You got up from your spot on the couch, still carrying your book and went to the door. Daryl was standing there with his crossbow slung over his shoulder and a small container in his hands. Night had fallen outside and the porchlights illuminated the strong angles of his jaw. You felt a flush in your cheeks and hoped he couldn’t see it.

You stepped back and gestured for him to come in.

“Brought ya some stew. Venison. We’ve still got a bunch of it,” he said, heading immediately for the kitchen and starting to open cabinets, looking for a pot to dump it in so he could heat it up. “And you’re eatin’ some of this now.” He paused and looked up at you over the counter. “When is the last time ya ate?”

“Uhh…”

He scoffed and rolled his eyes at you. “Too damn long, then.” He resumed his searching and eventually succeeded. He set it on the stove to heat up. You sank down onto one of the kitchen stools at the island, watching him as he stirred the hearty meal. Daryl turned around and took in your expression from across the kitchen, slinging his crossbow off his shoulder and letting it hang at his side.

“Whatcha readin’?” he asked.

Your eyes shot up at the sound of his voice. “Oh, uhh… it’s just this classic novel. The Brothers Karamazov.”

Daryl’s eyes narrowed as he looked at you. “The what?”

You actually smiled at him, your whole face lighting up. Daryl felt his heart flutter and he was relieved to see that some of the weight that seemed to be on you was lifted, even if just for a moment. “Yeah, it’s a mouthful,” you said. “I’ve got this thing for the great Russian writers so…”

“Russian, huh? What’s so special about ‘em?”

“They just—I don’t know. They write these beautiful, insane, touching, tragic stories. I just—” you shrugged. “The writing is incredible, even in translation.” You paused thoughtfully and Daryl felt a warmth in his chest as you looked down at the novel in your hand and smoothed your hand over the cover, staring at it like it was something precious. “And I suppose now, since the world changed, the tragedy in the stories is even more relatable,” you said softly.

Daryl felt a pang in his heart at your words. Your eyes flitted back up to meet his and he felt a spark of electricity jump up his spine.

Daryl rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and hoisted his crossbow up onto the counter, using it as an excuse to break eye contact with you as he felt suddenly terrified of the magnetic pull he was feeling.

“What’d you tell everybody?” you asked quietly.

Daryl didn’t look up from the bolt he was examining closely. “Didn’t tell ‘em nothin’.”

“Won’t they worry about where you are?”

He shrugged. “Nah. S’fine.” He quickly turned back to the stew on the stove which now had curls of steam rising from the surface of it. He pulled open some more cabinets until he found a bowl and quickly poured stew from the pan into it before setting it in front of you. He opened drawers until he found a spoon, which he slid over to you with a metallic clinking against the granite of the countertop. You were giving him a queer look. “What?”

You shook your head, one corner of your mouth twitching up. “Nothing.”

“Mmm,” he hummed, his eyes narrowed. “Eat,” he drawled.

The corners of your eyes crinkled in a smile. “You’re awfully bossy today,” you joked, picking up the spoon. You stared down into the stew, not feeling the least bit hungry despite not eating anything all day.

He let out a scoff and leaned on his forearms on the counter, his curtain of brown hair falling forward around his face. “I’m bossy when someone needs bossin’,” he quipped.

You took a bite of the stew, holding the spoon a bit awkwardly with the brace on your wrist, and chewed it slowly. Daryl watched you carefully. The smile on your face had disappeared again and he couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting to the bruises on your neck. He felt a renewed flush of hot anger every time. He sighed and straightened up, picking up his crossbow and slinging it over his shoulder in a well-practiced habit.

“How’re your ribs feelin’?” he drawled.

You dipped your spoon back into the bowl of stew and shrugged. “Fine. Really, I’m fine.”

Daryl nodded, but you could tell he was a little skeptical. He moved around the counter and into the living room, sinking into a chair and kicking his feet up to rest on the coffee table. You dutifully sat and ate your stew until it was gone before going to join him with your book. You pushed the blankets on the couch out of the way and allowed yourself to watch the nimble workings of his strong fingers as he fiddled with his bow and the narrowing of his blue eyes in concentration. Your heart increased its pace. Finally, you broke the silence again. “Thanks for doing this,” you said. You hadn’t meant for it to come out in a whisper but it had, the tightness in your throat from shame and nerves strangling your voice a little.

The workings of Daryl’s fingers ceased for a moment and he looked like he was frozen, turned to stone. “I dun mind,” he finally said. His blue eyes lifted and met yours and briefly he thought he saw some glistening light there, but in a moment he had blinked and it was gone. You were simply pulling the blanket over your lap and running your fingers along the spine of your book. Daryl pulled out a sharpening stone and went about carefully sharpening some of his bolts. You settled back against the couch and opened your book, curled up beneath the blanket. It was strange how usual, how comfortable this felt. Each passing moment of silence, each murmur to one another, each question and response all felt so easy, and that was something Daryl kept turning over and over in his mind. He wasn’t used to that. He wasn’t used to feeling so at home around another person and it was becoming a habit with you. The thought made him bounce his knee nervously.

Daryl wasn’t sure when, but at some point as he sat across from you sharpening his bolts you had drifted off to sleep. Your book was still open but had dropped down onto your chest, your left hand resting on it. Your breathing was slow and deep and Daryl felt a wave of warmth and gladness wash over him that you were actually asleep. And he wondered at the fact that not only were your comfortable enough with him around to fall asleep, but he was what enabled you to when you otherwise couldn’t. Did you think of him as safety? God, he hoped so… He was puzzling over this, smoothing his thumb across his lower lip as he took in your soft expression and the way your hair was falling around your face.

He felt his heart speed up as his eyes traced the gentle pout of your mouth and the slope of your nose in profile. He rubbed a hand at the warm and achy feeling in his chest that was becoming common, annoyed at how his mind was running away on him...

The archer stood and silently crossed the room to you. He grasped one corner of your open book and slipped it gently from your hands, setting it on the coffee table. He pulled the blanket up over you before retreating back to his chair and his bow.

You awoke as the sun was coming up, lighting the living room slowly, drenching everything in warm light. You blinked a few times, getting your bearings, and then gingerly pulled yourself up into a sitting position. Your eyes landed on the archer, asleep in his chair with his head cocked to one side, his bow leaning up against the armrest next to him. He must have heard you stirring because he was awake the next instant, taking in a deep breath and straightening. His eyes meeting yours. “Hey.” The gravel in his voice was thick, heavy with sleep still.

“Hey,” you replied. Daryl was relieved to see how much brighter your eyes looked. The dark circles beneath them were also diminished.

“I didn’t—I slept,” you said with gentle surprise.

He nodded. “Ya. Ya were exhausted. Ya fell asleep early. Ya needed it,” he said, grabbing his crossbow and pulling it onto his lap, his heart rushing at the sight of your somewhat tousled hair and the rosy glow in your cheeks.

“Thank you,” you said softly.

He nodded and stood, throwing his bow over his shoulder again. “S’nothin’. Glad ya got some sleep.”

You pulled yourself up, subconsciously wrapping an arm around your ribs as they panged with the movement. Daryl was already heading through the kitchen and toward the front door. He stopped and his blue eyes fixed on your face. “Ya know, I get ‘em too sometimes,” he said quietly.

You heart raced. Had he guessed why you weren’t sleeping so easily? “What?”

“Nightmares,” he said. “About the people we’ve lost. About losing more.”

You gulped at the tightness in your throat and nodded. “Yeah…”

“I’ll see ya later, Y/N,” he drawled. He pointed at you sharply. “Eat some more of that damn stew.”

You smiled at him, the corners of your eyes crinkling. “You got it.”

[pandoraswrld]

IT WAS JUST A LITTLE MISTAKE

— in which the girls finally debut, told from hime’s point of view

characters / nakano hime, hwang yewon, lee jangmi, the rest of the black rose ensemble, mentions of the girls’ manager

words / 2k

warnings / lots of shouting and swearing, guilt-tripping, arguing, someone slams their fist on the table and it’s just not nice

this is a rewrite of my first writing piece! not much has changed but it’s updated to be more accurate!

The first music show stage, an idol could never forget it. The rush you feel as the adrenaline pumps through your veins and the crowd roars on for you. For some it may be a bad experience, perhaps someone heckles you or maybe there’s no one there at all, but the Black Rose girls were determined to make sure that their debut stage would be the one to stand out.

“This is crazy cool!” Hime peers ahead at the stage just ahead of the girls. While the floor was mostly bare, the led screens in the background displayed falling diamonds all around the stage, accompanied with flashing lights of white and red.

Jangmi pulled all the girls into a close huddle, bringing their heads in to close off the outside world, “This is it girls, the moment we’ve all been waiting for and one we cannot mess up!”

Jangmi was always so determined, from the days she joined SM to the moments that would soon define her career. Hime noted their leader’s eyes twinkling with something she rarely saw in her anymore, passion, she could see passion building in the older girl and it made her smile just the tiniest bit.

“I want you guys to give it your all, this is our chance to show the public that we are stars!” She threw her hand into the circle, followed by the eight others, for one quick cheer of good luck, “Black Rose, fighting!”

All of a sudden the stage feels way bigger than it actually is, a weight lifting Hime down as she finds her position on the ground. There’s nothing to worry about, she tells herself in an attempt to exhale all of her worries, it’s not like this is her first time on a stage. She turns her head slightly to find Lyra’s eyes meeting hers, a soft smile gracing her face, calming Hime down only a little bit. 

Hime figures a little bit of fear is good, it ensures that you will always perform at your best. It was always a scary thought that something would go wrong, but that fear only helped boost her in hopes that her confidence will carry her through all the worries. And now she’s ready.

It surprises her a little when the audience immediately bursts into a round of cheers as the far-too familiar beat of Rise starts playing. She never knew they had that many people watching them so early on, probably thousands more heads hidden behind the darkness at the back of the studio. It felt good, it felt great, to be an actual idol. In that moment, it was everything any one of them had ever dreamed about and they finally achieved it.

It wasn’t long before Hime’s first line came up, an exciting spring in her step as her sickly sweet voice and a flip of her golden blonde hair did all the work. Everything seemed to be going perfectly, Lyra following Hime with her own airy vocals and then it was Yewon’s line. Hime’s eyes could only catch a glimpse of Yewon beside her but her heart dropped as she started to notice the girl fumble.

Yewon knew this dance, Hime knows she did. All of them had practiced it over and over, day and night, but Yewon always stayed behind just to put in that little bit more work. Neither of them know why her leg turned that way instead of the other, neither of them know why she’s the only one twisting left instead of right. Yewon’s mistake disrupts the synchronicity the girls had perfected and in knowing that she just moves on like nothing happened in order to quickly catch up to the rest of the girls, Hime hoping that the mistake would be quickly forgotten.

However both of them knew, she fucked up.

Hime can’t keep glancing back at Yewon as the song continues on, it would only disturb the performance even more. A feeling of anxiety settles in her chest as dread settles in Yewon’s, but they made sure no one would be able to tell as they painted their faces with peppy expressions and even wider smiles than before. 

Soon, the chorus started to blast through the speakers of the stage and all of them had an unmistakable energy as they continued to dance. The rest of the performance went well, screams from the crowd almost drowning out the sound of their own voice as all the girls reached their very last lines. All the girls wore massive grins for their fans before they were ushered off the stage in order to prepare for their next stage.

“That was amazing! I’ve never felt better!” Sera’s face was unbelievably happy, her and Juliet jumping for joy as the girls walked back to their dressing room. 

The girls had only one more performance left and the award ceremony until they could finally leave and get some rest. However, the next hour was not without its fair share of hostile tension and deafening silences between the girls and Jangmi, who had held a darkened expression and furrowed eyebrows ever since they left the stage.

Their manager, Hyesun, pulled Yewon aside at the end, most likely to talk to her about her mistake but Hime was too far away to catch a sound of what they were discussing. Hime knows Hyesun, she knows she’s not going to yell at Yewon or do anything to hurt her, she understands. Still, she can’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong because of this mistake, be it now or in the coming days, and the feeling was not aided by the painstakingly long journey home without the lively chatter of the other girls.

Finally they reached the dorms, although all of them felt uncomfortable together. Yewon sat on the corner of their navy sofa biting her nails and chipping away the pale pink nail polish along with it. Hime was the first to notice as the young girl sat nervously, immediately throwing an arm over her to embrace Yewon.

“You did fine.” Hime whispered into Yewon’s ear, placing a soft kiss to her temple. 

“Don’t lie to her Hime.” Jangmi said without even looking at the pair.

It felt as though the world stopped upon hearing Jangmi’s voice. It was so quiet and calm, but anybody could hear the poison and anger behind it, even Lyra and Aejung held onto each other in anticipation for what she would say next.

“She messed up and you know our trainers don’t allow mistakes.” The older girl finally turned around to Hime and Yewon, her face still gorgeous despite the scowling expression, “How could you even think of ruining our debut performance like that?”

“Jangmi, it was barely a mistake and she got back on track as fast as she could–“ Hime started before being interrupted by their leader.

“Don’t coddle her Hime, she fucked all of us over!” She slammed her fist down onto the kitchen counter, causing a few of the girls to jump.

“Have you met these netizens? They will find any problems with us and rip us to shreds, who knows what bad things they’ll say about us to drag our name, my name!” Jangmi’s voice raised considerably as her anger began to get the best of her, “And it will be all her fault!”

“Jangmi–” another girl tried to interfere but it was no use in the state she was in.

“No! What would our superiors think of us when even they were unsure if we should debut so early?” She pushed a hand through her thick, dark hair in frustration, groaning as she started to walk away from the rest of the girls.

Sera was the only girl to follow Jangmi. Hime wasn’t sure what the motivations behind Sera’s actions were, to be fair she never really did. Every one of those girls, even Hyesun, knew of Jangmi’s temperament and how bad things could get if she decided to take this frustration even further and yet Sera still spoke to her with hushed words. How dare Jangmi accuse her of coddling Yewon, Hime thought, not when she needed to be calmed down like she was a toddler.

“Jangmi, please, the yelling is over the top.” Hyebin joined Hime’s defence of Yewon, “I’m sure no one even noticed what she did.”

“It doesn't matter, we’re an SM group and these kinds of mistakes are unacceptable!” Sera was now holding Jangmi back from the girls as she started to rush towards them.

“C’mon guys, she’s right, who knows what they’ll say to us when we go back to the SM building?” Sera was now showing signs of actually giving a fuck when an exasperated sigh leaving her mouth. Sometimes Hime wished the girl cared more about anyone that wasn’t herself or Jangmi.

“She doesn’t have to scream at the poor girl, she’s only seventeen!” Lyra rebutted.

“And Juliet’s fourteen, yet she made no mistakes!” Jangmi rolled her eyes.

“How would you feel if someone got onto you like that over something so little?” Hyebin scoffed, turning her back on everyone else.

“They did.” She muttered under her breath, garnering some annoyed stares from the others at Jangmi’s sudden quiet tone.

“Oh really? Well then you should know exactly what it feels like!” Hyebin’s cheeks started to heat up, anger rising in her own body.

“Why don’t we actually look at the comments,” Aejung suggested with a tired face, “Prove that it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

There was another long wait, the girls’ centuries old laptop taking forever to load up. This time the silence was agitating, Hyebin and Jangmi sharing snarky looks at each other like children, whilst Yewon simply laid quietly beside Hime, she hadn't said a word in the last twenty minutes.

At last the naver page had loaded the Rise performance, the thumbnail of which featured all of them with such proud faces. Hime wished things could just be still like that moment. 

Aejung’s scrolling was almost agonisingly slow as she took the time to read each comment, the corners of her mouth turning up upon seeing compliments for herself. 

“See it’s mostly good!” Juliet exclaimed, sounding as though she couldn’t wait for this argument to be over.

Jangmi carelessly pushed herself in between Hyebin and Sera to see closer, doing her own scan as if she didn’t trust the words of anyone else. Dramatically, her finger pointed out one comment.

“So this is SM’s new girl group? They should just stick to Red Velvet, none of these girls look like idols!” Jangmi almost sounds proud to say such hateful words, it makes Hime scoff.

“If they remove that short girl the group will be perfect.” 

“I can’t believe they made a mistake on the debut stage, how can SM allow this?” 

“Stop!” Lyra raised her voice to interrupt Jangmi’s continuing comments, “We get the point, no need to shove it in our faces.”

“But that’s exactly what I have to do if any of us want to learn from this!” Jangmi’s arms were crossed, her vicious tone replaced with a more disappointed one all of a sudden.

“It was just a little mistake.” Yewon’s voice was small, barely even audible but everyone heard it.

All heads turned to the girl, her figure tiny and weak as she continued to bite her nails almost all the colour gone from one finger. Hime hated Jangmi for doing this to her, she didn’t deserve it with all of the hours she alone had put into finally making her debut.

“Clearly it wasn’t.” Was all Jangmi had to say before leaving the living room, slamming her bedroom door shut. It left an annoyingly loud echo.

“I’m sorry.” Yewon's voice started to choke, tears beginning to stream down her face. 

It was only the beginning of their career, yet somehow this moment felt as though it was the end. Everything they had put work into to get to this point, the years of training they’d suffered through, for one simple fight to ruin everything? Hime hated the idea of it but that’s exactly what it looked like.

[fluffyunicornofdanger]

Falling

A/N: Dudes, I have been thinking about doing a fic based off a song for a long time and so I’m glad I got a request for one. It’s not that long, but it’s a good start. And I don’t know when the next fic will be out because I think I’ll have to get my thumbnail removed and I have a feeling that’ll hurt like a bitch. 

*~~*~~*

Masterlist

Nikki Sixx x Reader

Song: Falling by Harry Styles (This is one of my favorite songs on the album)

Word count: 1.4k

Warnings: Language, cheating

I’m in my bed

And you’re no here

And there’s no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands

Headlights drifted through the room in intervals as cars passed by, each heading to unknown destinations. The street was buzzing with life as people wandered around, trying to find the next thing to get them a high. For some, it was the smile of someone they loved, for others, it was a drug that they had to pay for.  No matter what it was that they sought, they were all after the same thing. 

Nikki laid on his bed and watched the lights reflect onto the ceiling. There was no high for him to chase. Not when he’d let it slip through his fingers. 

His hair was a mess, black tuffs of knotted tangles framed his face. Makeup from the last show was smudged under his eyes, giving him a raccoon-like look. The man smelled of alcohol and sweat, but he didn’t mind. What did it matter anyway?

The mess of a man he was was no one’s fault but his. 

He drank too much, that was a given. No matter what was placed in front of him, he’d knock it back like it was water. No matter how much it burned, he’d throw it back. Drunken nights that ended in a black haze were normal for him. The consequence of it never mattered to him as long as he could do it all again the next day. 

That was until in a drunken state he lost the best drug he’d ever had. 

Forget what I said

It’s not what I meant

And I can’t take it back 

I can’t upack the baggage you left

The words had come off his tongue like they held some truth, “You’re nothing but a boring whore I have chosen to keep around.” They were dumb words that shouldn’t have been said, but when something came between Nikki and a good time, he’d say just about anything to continue on with what he was doing. And that meant saying things he would regret come morning. 

Y/n was aware of Nikki’s drinking problem and had always tried her best to prevent him from doing anything he would really regret. That was until she had walked in on him in their shared bedroom with another woman. It would have been one thing if the women had forced herself on him, but it looked like both of them were having a wonderful time. Trying to talk some sense into her boyfriend, trying to make sense of what she was seeing herself did no good. In the end, Nikki still found a way to break her heart.

That is what left the musician sulking on his bed and Y/n waiting for her plane to arrive at the airport.

What am I now?

What am I now?

What if I’m someone I don’t want to be around?

I’m fallin’ again

I’m fallin’ again

I’m fallin’

*~~*~~*

Tapping her foot, Y/n rolled her eyes as she listened to the conversation of the couple next to her. Who cared what color they painted their living room? Once it was painted they would stop noticing after a month. There were better things to worry about in the world, anyway.

It shouldn’t have bothered her that much, the conversation that wasn’t meant for her ears. Some people had the luxury of being able to carry on mundane conversations about anything under the sun. 

Y/n didn’t have that.

Instead, she had the internal battle of what she could have done differently. 

For example, had she intervened months ago when it came to Nikki’s addictions, maybe she wouldn’t be where she was at that moment. She had wanted to get him help for a long time, it was clear he needed it. Once he started blacking out due to the combination of drugs and alcohol he would take, she knew a change needed to be made. But it didn’t matter what she knew because the man was as stubborn as an ox.

With the slight mention of rehab, he would have run for the hills. It would ruin his rockstar image, that would no doubt be his argument. He cared more about his rockstar life than anything else. Drugs, sex, and loud ass music were all that ever crossed his mind. It seemed that it never mattered where he got those three things from as long as he got them. 

Y/n was sick of it, of everything. The parties, the girls, the drugs. That’s not the life she wanted. Granted, there was no planed blueprint or outline of how she wanted her life to go, but what she was given, what she chose was not what she wanted.

Not anymore. 

But that didn’t seem to matter, what mattered was that she had let it all happen. 

She had let Nikki fall so low. She had let him become consumed by the drugs that he took. They took over his life while she did nothing but watch. Had she stepped in just once, maybe things would be different for both of them? Maybe she wouldn’t have looked for a way out their relationship anywhere she could.  

God, if she hadn’t wasted her time worrying about Nikki. If she just done something, got him clean or left his ass, the places she could be. This was the lowest she could get and it stung. It stung because for a long time Y/n hadn’t realized all she was missing out on.

What if I’m down?

What if I’m out? 

What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?

I’m fallin’ again

I’m fallin’ again

I’m fallin’

*~~*~~*

“You really fucked up,” Tommy shook his head. “Those drugs really fucked you up.

Nikki groaned, oh he knew he fucked up. He fucked up so bad, there was no way he could fix any damage that he had done. He had tried to get a hold of Y/n, but she had dropped off the face of the Earth. He called her mother, he called her friends, he called her work. He called anyone who would know where she was. And they were either lying when they told him they had no clue where to find her or they really had no clue where she was.

All he wanted to do was apologize and take back everything that he’d said. Fix the wounds that he had caused was all he was asking for. Though it wouldn’t be enough, it was a start. 

Y/n cared for him like no one else ever had. She was there, she was always there. Never once abandoned him like his parents had. She was the only constant thing in his life, and like always, he found a way to screw it up.

“I just can’t get her out of my head. The last dozen songs I’ve written have been all about her.” He grabbed a stack of wrinkled papers from off the floor and threw them at his friend. “Everything I do involves her in one way or another and since she’d up and left, I feel like my luck has run clean out.”

Mick chuckled, opening a beer. “You sound like a dude from a chick flick. Get your shit together. If you hadn’t been such a fucking mess Y/n would still be here, but she’s not. So, stop whining about it.”

Nikki knew he was right. There was nothing he could do about it anymore. Y/n would probably never come back to him. She was probably halfway around the world doing everything in her power to forget about the dirtbag that broke her heart. He didn’t blame her. She deserved to have her heart mended in any way she chose. 

All that could be done was make sure that he didn’t make the same dumb mistake again. Perhaps it was time for him to get clean and get his life together. It had been time for a long while, Nikki just didn’t want to admit it. 

Maybe if he had Y/n wouldn’t be gone and he wouldn’t hate himself for it. 

You said you cared 

And you missed me, too

And I’m well aware I write too many songs about you

And the coffee’s out 

At the Beachwood Cafe

And it Kills me ‘cause I know we’ve run out of things we can say

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[slamsams-blog]

Spectre - #24WeeksofBond

This week’s film in our 24 weeks of Bond marathon is the latest film in the franchise, 2015′s Spectre.  This would be, (or so he thought at the time), Craig’s final Bond outing...hence why it’s been SO INCREDIBLY LONG for a new Bond movie to come out.  Craig had other things he wanted to do before he could be convinced to suit up as Bond one more time.  But man oh man, am I over these 3, 4, or 5 year gaps in between Bond films.  Daniel Craig has held the role of Bond longer than any other actor - even longer than Roger Moore!  That’s is pretty crazy to think about.  Hopefully the next actor to play Bond isn’t so wishy-washy and we get regular installments at a better pace.  Here’s hoping...ANYWAYS

Spectre is a beautifully cinematic, high speed, throwback to the classics that all too often gets the “Tomorrow Never Dies” treatment.  This film was Sam Mendes’ second Bond film in a row, the first one being “Skyfall” which has been regarded as one of the best Bond films not just of the modern era, but of all time.  So when Spectre came out with the same director at the helm, everyone was expecting it to be the greatest film in all of cinema history.  Unfortunately, it just didn’t quite live up to the hype and therefor this movie gets unfairly ragged on.

Not just ragged on...but absolutely SHIT ON.  I’m not kidding.  I’ve seen a lot of “Bond ranking” posts and YouTube videos where this film is in the bottom 5, and one time I even saw it at the bottom.  THE BOTTOM.  Like, worse than “Die Another Day”.  If you actually think that Spectre is a worse movie than Die Another Day, then you either have no clue what you are talking about, have poor taste in action movies, or are just trying to be controversial to be controversial.  Spectre is by no means the best Bond movie ever, it has its plot holes for sure...but it is CERTAINLY not the worst, and y’all need to start showing this film some damn respect.  Pardon my “R” rated language, YouTubers got me hot!

All that being said, I REALLY enjoy this film.  Right from the beginning we have an incredibly visually stunning pre-title sequence at a Day of the Dead parade in Mexico where we see Bond mysteriously tracking a stooge.  With heart pounding music, incredible costumes, and a beautifully shot scene of Craig tight-roping the roofs of the buildings that causes my anxiety to explode...this is such a stimulating experience.  We later find out that Bond was going rogue and M is pissed and suspends him indefinitely.  But Bond is just following a trail that Judi Dench left for him in a video she recorded before she died.  Why didn’t she tell Bond about this before she died? Whatever...it’s just a movie. 

This leads Bond to uncovering an organization called “Spectre”. You can find the acronym for it in my “From Russia With Love” post!  Bond infiltrates a secret meeting to where he finds out the man at the head table is someone from his past.  The man, who eventually turns out to be Franz Oberhauser (Christoph Waltz) was once a boy who’s father had taken Bond in when his parents died, making ole Franz jealous, and eventually kills his father and fakes his own death...after he was declared dead he adopted a new name - Ernst Stavro Blofeld.  Odd choice, but here we are.  We have a Blofeld again!

Waltz was an exciting pick for the part, but he doesn’t blow me away in the role.  There is always a subtle creepiness to him, but I think he could’ve done more with it.  There was talk of him being replaced as Blofeld in the next Bond movie, but there was enough fan outrage where they squashed that...so I guess he’s doing something right.

One fun aspect of this film is that there is a Bond villain, that Bond never deals with.  Max Denbigh (Andrew Scott) or “C” as Bond dubs him, not really sure why, is a surveillance officer working for MI6, but secretly for Spectre.  Not so secret though, if anyone has seen “Sherlock”, the mere sight of Andrew Scott makes you think he has to be a villain.  He strolls in and politics his way into dumping the double 0 program in favor of ultra cyber security and drones.  If successful, Spectre would have full control over everything.  This guy is all M’s problem, and he deals with him from concept to completion.  Atta boy M! I just always liked how M was on his own with this storyline. 

Another aspect about this film is Bond is falling in love with Madeline Swann (Lea Seydoux), the daughter of Mr. White who has been a thorn in Bond’s side working for Spectre.  Mr. White has seen the light and now Spectre has poisoned him, giving Mr. White reason to give Bond all the info he needs and to protect his daughter.  To me this relationship is a bit rushed and forced.  Bond and Vesper in Casino Royale was done properly, but here, Swann seems to fall in love rather out of the blue. And we’re supposed to believe he is leaving MI6 for her.

We’re also treated to a badass train car fight!  I love me a good train car fight...sadly I don’t think there are any more in the series.  Bond comes face to face with the silent, giant, dagger thumbnail mammoth of a man named Mr.Hinx (Batista).  I’m a little biased here because I’ve been a lifelong Pro-Wrestling fan.  But I gotta say, Batista has acting chops.  This train car fight scene is BRUTAL, and is the scene I think about when I think about this movie.

In conclusion, Spectre is a beautifully shot film with an extra dash of humor, and an excessive amount of call backs to past Bond films.  The voodoo-esque nature in the opening (Live and Let Die), the clinic where Bond finds Madeline Swann (On Her Majesties Secret Service), the crator where Blofeld resides (You Only Live Twice), the ejector seat! (Goldfinger).  While it’s fun to see Spectre tip it’s hat to the past, as a die hard Bond fan, you kind of go “ok, I get it”.  And of course, they kept dropping hints in the movie that Craig was leaving the franchise which stressed me out - especially at the end.  I LOVE Daniel Craig as Bond and I, for one, was not ready to let him go just yet. Also, because of the number.  What I mean by that is the number of films each actor has done has been different.  After “No Time To Die” this will be the movie tally:

Lazenby: 1

Dalton: 2

Brosnan: 4

Craig: 5

Connery: 6

Moore: 7

The next actor to play Bond, can ONLY do 3 movies.  If he doesn’t, it just might bother me for the rest of my life.  Unless he goes for 8?  Well, my obsessive compulsive disorder aside, Spectre is not the perfect Bond film...but it deserves respect for the cinematography, characters, and action scenes.  We should all be thankful Sam Mendes came into the world of Bond, and threw a splash of paint on the franchise.

That’s it for this week!  Hope you enjoyed it!

Reviews from Friends:

My Mom:

I was mesmerized by this film. I think the theme song and opening artwork were stunning. Daniel craig was an older, darker version of Bond. I was pretty thrilled to see him with a mature love interest for once. Someone near his own age. I was hoping she would go on through the story but it was not to be. I thought it was very well done. Anxious to see more of this mysterious dark Bond.

Jake Benrud

Until reading your blog, I didn’t realize this wasn’t a well received Bond! I actually really enjoyed this movie. I think this is the third time watching it for me, and I really appreciate the portrayal of Bond by Craig. I thought Waltz did a great job with Blofeld. The drilling scene is always a bit unnerving, but I’d expect nothing less from a sadistic Bond villain. I did think that for all the intelligence that Blofeld and the SPECTRE organization should have that it was pretty poor planning to be able to destroy their entire facility with one shot to the propane regulator. I mean if you can arrange for an elaborate Bond haunted house at MI6 ending with Blofeld hiding behind bullet proof glass, maybe take the time to protect the propane tank at your facility. Chances are if you’re an evil genius looking for world domination, you’re probably going to have Bond at your door step shooting up the place. I digress. Despite this, I thought the story moved along well and it’s a solid installment of the series.

24 Weeks of Bond will return next Monday with -

Thunderball  

[zak-animation]

Initial Concept Sketches Review

Having begun my inquiry into creature design, this week I wanted to take a step back from the refined, coloured nature of my initial creatures and head back to the drawing board: developing a series of quick, explorative creature concept sketches as a way to experiment and play around with the creature design process.

As an area of study, creature design is something that has always interested me. There’s something wildly entertaining and creatively fulfilling in developing a unique animal or beast, and then exploring how that creature would move. I want to take this project as an opportunity to dive into the theory and process of creature design by responding to my own independent research into the industry and its practices. Having explored the work of professional creature designer Mike Correiro, I found that a large part of the design process begins with early thumbnails and rough silhouette shapes to generate an original exciting design.

For this independent development session, my plan was to develop my ability to work quickly, spending only five minutes on each sketch to generate a variety of ideas and concepts. My focus was on developing a large number of creature concepts in a short amount of time, exploring different silhouettes, body shapes and anatomy. In our workshopped session introducing the project, we were encouraged to explore the creature design process in our time, and develop as many ideas as we can. At this early stage of the project, my main priority was experimenting with different ideas and animal forms - working quickly to generate a series of designs.

The Process With these sketches, I only gave myself five minutes on each design. This was to challenge me to work quickly and to not think overly about the process, but also in response to my independent research into industry practice. Concept and creature designer Anthony Jones discussed how we should ‘improve our sketching speed’ and explore ideas quickly in this early stage of the process. At the moment, I’m not working on adding details or refining any specific idea: it’s important that I have the creative freedom to simply play around and explore new ideas in each design.

These sketches allowed me to explore the use of silhouettes in creature design: starting out with a simple blocked shape and adding detail from there. Whilst the designs here are ultimately more refined than a simple silhouette, my initial experiments into this process demonstrate how important the silhouettes can be to the final form, adding tones and highlights to suggest weight and form. Although working with silhouettes is not a mandatory part of creature design, it is widely practiced in the industry and it represents an effective way to produce a large number of concepts within a short period of time.  

These initial concept sketches represent a quick process of finding solutions and developing multiple designs at this early stage of the project. These quick concept sketches don’t need to be as clean or clear as the final product, they just need to demonstrate a variety of initial ideas responding to different animal reference and my own imagination, seeing creatures and beasts within abstract mark making techniques. The practice of finding ideas within meaningless data, and making those new things into art is something I focused on in a previous project. My plan is to return to the creature designs created here for inspiration: this is something we are encouraged to do, as a way to evidence a variety of creature concepts at this early stage.

For these concepts, I challenged myself to try my hand at digital painting. This was in response to my research into Anthony Jones who worked in the same digital workspace, and to learn a new way of working. Digital painting isn’t a process I’ve explored before: my experience with drawing digitally extends to line work and ends there. This was an opportunity for me to challenge myself to learn a new set of skills within a digital package, and approach digital art with a new process: developing a design from the ground up, instead of beginning with defining line work. Using my drawing tablet and digital brushes in Photoshop, I was able to produce a series of rough concept drawings exploring a range of creature design ideas. Whilst these are unrefined and rough, there is a visual appeal in the chaotic mark making here, as I’m developing my own digital illustrations beyond simple line drawings.

To develop a single design, the process begins with an experimental arrangement of marks on the canvas. In this early stage, I’m not responding to any visual reference: simply seeing what has an interesting and dynamic silhouette on the page. From here, I then begin working in grey tones to define the form of the creature. At this stage, I haven’t decided on any singular idea and am working through the process, developing my own understanding of the design as I go. Adding different tones helps to build up the weight and form of the design, helping to create the illusion of a three-dimensional creature, rather than a flat 2D illustration.

The final stage of the process involves adding highlights and darker tones to complete the concept. Working quickly, I purposely didn’t allow myself the time to go in-depth on the detail and instead focus on developing an interesting shape. With any time remaining, I would go back into the design with a fine white brush and add highlights to further build the form of these creatures. With my digital time-lapse, I’ve been able to document this process visually, demonstrating the quick workflow.

Working with digital painting was actually a very rewarding experience: working with abstract marks and then adding grey tones has allowed the designs a certain level of visual appeal, and detail. At first, we can see that I was simply throwing grey tones on with chaotic brushstrokes. Having never explored this process before, these early digital experiments simply represent my developing understanding of the technique, and how to use highlights to suggest form. Working in this manner allowed me a certain freedom from traditional draftsmanship techniques: instead of starting with a construction sketch, I was able to focus on shape language and silhouette and find a creature through experimental mark making. It’s this process of ‘thinking through making’, developing spontaneous ideas through creative exploration that I really responded to during this independent development session.

The main challenge of the digital painting process would be getting a grasp on this new way of working: instead of drawing with lines, the focus is on fleshing out the design through highlights and tonal value with grey tones, which is something that I haven’t done in a digital workspace before. The process was similar to a tonal painting in life drawing, where we start with a darker background and add highlights to suggest form, instead of using drawn lines to illustrate the edges of the form. We can see this challenge in my initial experiments, which possess a child-like approach to mark making. There is some value to these designs, but these ultimately represent my own learning curve within the digital painting process.

Here, I want to discuss some of these designs in more detail: animal influences, what is successful and weak about specific creatures and my thought process into these quick concepts.

Sluzroth This first digital painting was inspired by my initial experiments within the introductory session. Having created a gorilla-like, bug creature called Sluzroth, I thought a good way to begin the process was developing this creature in a digital workspace. Given a self-imposed time limit, all of these sketches possess rough, chaotic mark-making and a black and white tonal palette, simply exploring different forms and silhouettes of these creatures. At this early stage, I wanted to stay away from adding colour: focus entirely on the shape and anatomy of these creatures and make these visually exciting and original before adding colour.

Whilst this was one of my initial creature designs, I think there is potential with Sluzroth. The contrast of the wide, overarching eyes and large chest is appealing, and I would be able to look at how a gorilla moves for reference. For this project, I want to challenge myself to explore animal anatomy and embrace the animalistic side of creature design as opposed to a bipedal character.

My personal feedback on this design would be to change the small legs nature of the beast: look at a reference of a gorilla and apply this understanding to the design. The main strengths of this concept would be the wide, diagonal shoulders and triangular insect head, and I want to explore the potential of this concept through iterative designs.

Lizard Man With the next design that I want to discuss, I was exploring a four-legged shape and began marking dark blocks on the page. Using a rough brush, I was able to give the digital concept a textural quality that works to challenge the traditional approach to clean, digital artwork. The marks are chaotic and messy, but it’s something that I think works here. There’s a frenetic, rapid quality to the white linework, and the variety of tones helps to illustrate the three dimensionalities of the creature. Peers mentioned how the broken anatomy of the hand was actually quite appealing, having the fingers twisted and knuckles broke apart was an interesting visual choice.

Something that I personally felt with this character, however, was a lack of visual clarity. The range of tonal values helps to suggest the creature’s form, however, at first glance, it does look like a grey blob on the page. There needs to be a consistent tonal range to illustrate the creature’s depth, or the design will ultimately end up looking messy and unfocused. Despite this, there is an appeal in this illustration and represents one of the most visually interesting designs out of the bunch.

Skeleton Beast In complete contrast to these designs is the Skeleton Beast, a towering behemoth who prowls around an icy planet. There are some interesting ideas to this design, specifically the lumbering scale of the beast and the scorpion-like tail. My idea for this design was a battle-ready mix between a crocodile and an elephant, with elements of other animals combined too. The stark contrast of this large beast and the white snow backdrop already looks like a visually pleasing idea, and I would be able to explore a more animalistic approach to a creature design as opposed to some of my initial concepts.

The tonal values are consistent in this piece, and the addition of the bones sticking out provides a graphic detail that moves this design past a simple silhouette. The skeleton beast is made out of sharp, violent shapes that work to instantly convey it’s beastly, aggressive nature. As a concept, it’s one that I plan to return to and develop further.  

Trypoclawth The final design that I want to discuss is the Trypoclawth: an exploration of my own personal fears and anxieties into trypophobia. The irrational fear of clusters of holes, it’s something that pops up in my everyday life and for some bizarre reason, actually does affect me. For this creature design project, I’m considering exploring a more meaningful and personal approach to creature creation, taking my own personal fear and manifesting this into a monster. In comparison to my other designs, the Trypoclawth represents a more abstract approach to creature design, looking into natural plant organisms that make me unsettled and anxious as a way to not only develop an engaging and effective creature but as an opportunity for me to face my own fears.

Looking at this design, there is some real potential in exploring this creature further. The lanky, spindly silhouette is powerful on the page, and the lack of any defined head simply serves to illustrate the creature’s nature as a manifestation of irrational fear. There’s no logic and no explanation: it simply exists. Embracing the plant and animal-based inspiration of these fears, I wanted to have the creature’s arm be inspired by plant and flower shapes, which would reveal a series of opening mouths.

Looking at my peers’ designs, there has been a clear focus on character-based creatures: exploring ideas of anthropomorphism, and incorporating design traits from living animals as key elements of their fantastical design. Developing the Trypoclawth further would allow me to explore a more abstract approach to this brief: working on my own fears but also researching into plant-based organisms, and what makes an effective scary movie monster, as a way to evidence an understanding of an audience for this project.

Summary As a whole, I was able to create a series of interesting creature design concepts with a range of shapes, silhouettes, and proportions. My focus was on developing a large number of designs within a short period of time, to develop upon the tasks set upon in class and set as a foundation to develop upon later in the design process. The aim of this session was to produce a series of initial concepts which I can then choose from and refine into a single design in preparation for modelling in CG.

Here, I’ve been able to do just that: develop a series of creative ideas that I will begin refining into further in my own time. I need to consider the potential of blending some of my creature designs together: taking ideas that I like from one idea and combining them with another. There is some real potential with these designs created here, and I will be developing these further in my own time. Although we do not have much time dedicated to designing these creatures before jumping into character modelling, I want to place a focus on this crucial area of the assignment and continue exploring the creature design process in my own time.

Next, I will be further exploring my understanding of creature design through sculpting experiments and building a maquette based on one of the designs outlined here, or even working spontaneously with the materials we are given. I will be taking the workshop as an opportunity to simply continue this experimental process, and return to these designs later during the week.

[shinsyl]

Process gifs!! Because it was frequently asked, here it is finally!

My process is fairly straightforward, I always follow the same routine, I think it’s good to keep good habits in doing landscapes or else it’s too easy to get overwhelmed by all the different parts, layers and details etc…Gotta keep it simple~~

    - 1. First I always begin with doing tons of  thumbnails (less than 300 pixels each). Once I get an idea, I don’t jump directly into making the painting, nah I take my time laying my ideas on tiny thumbnails. Those are fast to make and will save me so much time in the long run. I try different views, try different colors, atmosphere, composition etc I’m just fooling around really, and at the end, there’s always one that will speak more to me.

   - 2. After choosing one thumbnail, I take few seconds to think how I will build up my painting, how I will place each components, how I will ‘layer’ it all. It’s good to have a plan and stay organized I think. It’s the color blocking time!!

As you can see in my process, I like to begin with the farthest object, and then little by little I make my way forward. Most of the time, the sky is the farthest object, so I begin with it. Then I add a new layer on top of the sky and place the stars for example. And then a new layer on top and I place the clouds. And so on and on, I build it up little by little. (even when I work on just one layer, I follow this process, it’s easier to touch up the background if something is amiss before adding the foreground and details)

  For this part, I don’t go into details yet, I just place my composition, I decide of the local colors, I use a big big brush, it’s really rough, but it’s a really important part. Once the big shapes are into place, once the balance looks good to me and the colors and values are alright, I can finally go to the next step.

   -3. Time to decide, where I want my light to come from, and so my shadows. Yeah nothing to explain here ^^’

   -4. Once I know my light and shadows, I start rendering, I go back to my color block layers, and add the details on them., I defines the shapes, add new things etc … I readjust colors to my liking, trying to fit the mood I’m aiming for. And really that’s it, it is the longest part.

We all are different, we all have our own preferences, there isn’t a ‘right’ method, we just need to find what we are confortable with, here is just my way of doing landscapes, hope it can help!  have a good day ❤❤