#the loneliness peaks during birthdays but other than that its good

[just-spacetrash]

🫥

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Rachel Nobel / Rae Lynn

Rachel Nobel, aka Rae Lynn, has 2 fics at Gossamer, but she’s written many more X-Files stories than that. You can also find fics by her at AO3 and various other archives. She’s one of the rare, special authors who’s posted numerous fic during the show’s original run and again in recent years. Big thanks to Rachel for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)? Absolutely. I joined a Facebook group for fanfic writers where someone recognized my name and asked about some of my stories that have disappeared from the Internet, and I almost fell off my chair. On the other hand, I go back and read original-run fanfic all the time - the Wayback Machine is my best friend for all the late great fanfic archives. Like fine wines, they get better with age! What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it? I was fairly young during the peak of the fandom - I was only 12 when I started watching the show and discovered the fandom online. A few years ago, right around the time we learned the revival was coming, I wrote an essay I called "How 'The X-Files' defined my adolescence," in which I wrote: "If you think about it, 'The X-Files' is a lot like adolescence: You start out thinking it's going to be a little hokey, NBD, and then you end up in its thrall, captivated and occasionally hugely let down. A lot of people behave strangely, and no one gets out unscathed. Mulder, in his own weird way, is the perfect mirror for an adolescent: He doesn't fit in; his life careens between being utterly consequential to the fate of the known universe and being completely pointless; he's socially awkward and can't quite nail it down with the girl of his dreams."

So for me, the fandom is inextricably bound up with adolescence, that feeling of vacillating between desperate loneliness and being on the verge of something enormously significant. Take romance: I was a bit of a late bloomer, and when all my friends were exploring their first relationships I was watching Mulder and Scully navigate this beautiful, complicated, soulful relationship without ever even kissing. That was deeply affecting for me as a teen.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? I started out on mailing lists - there was an EMXC mailing list and one that I think was called X-Angst. [Lilydale note: There was a mailing list called XAngst Anonymous.] This was back at the dawn of the Internet when I only had 10 hours of AOL access a month, and I remember using what AOL called a "FlashSession" to log on, download all the fanfic from the mailing list and log off to read it. I vividly remember the excitement of watching all that new fanfic flood my inbox! Later on I was on atxc. During the long summer between "Gethsemane" and "Redux," it felt like fanfic was at its peak. There was a group of about a dozen women who got together (virtually) to discuss a work in progress by Lydia Bower called "Primal Sympathy." We called ourselves the "Primal Screamers," and we had our own website with fanfic recommendations and other discussions (it cracked me up to locate us as an entry on Fanlore.org). I was still in high school at the time and I was the youngest member; I felt like I had been accepted into a cool underground club. I worshipped these women, who were fanfic writers themselves. They taught me everything I knew about how to be a decent, respectful, enthusiastic consumer and writer of fanfic and fandom. [Lilydale note: I’ve talked enthusiastically about the Primal Screamers here before, including their fanfic primer.] What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? In the '90s, I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone I read fanfic, let alone that I was writing it. Now, I look back on it and realize how talented and smart and passionate we all were. It's something to be proud of. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? The first episode I ever saw was "Shadows," which was on in reruns between the second and third seasons. I don't think "Shadows" is an episode that anyone today would consider thematically significant, but something about seeing those office supplies float spookily through the air - it wasn't like anything I had seen on television, and I wanted in. What got you involved with X-Files fanfic? I've always been a person who, when I am interested in something, seeks to learn more about it. So I guess I got online as a 12-year-old with this new interest and discovered fanfic. It was thrilling to find out that so many talented people were taking characters I loved and bringing them to life for me. When the screen faded to black each week and I wondered, "That's it? What next?", fanfic was always there to fill in the blanks and take Mulder and Scully to the next level. As a teenager, I was self-indulgent enough to think I had something to contribute, too. Most of what I wrote in the '90s would today make me cringe. I remember literally paging through the dictionary in search of erudite words I thought Mulder and Scully would say! But occasionally I'll feel brave enough to read an old story and I feel encouraged to see a spark: a turn of phrase or a fragment of dialogue that I still feel proud of. I write professionally now, but I've never written fiction that isn't X-Files fiction, so it's something that has really allowed me to hone my creative juices in a different way. What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? Sometimes I feel like the Statler and Waldorf of the fandom, like I'm sitting up in the balcony grousing "Back in my day...!" Because the fandom is remarkably robust, and I've gotten involved with it to an extent on Twitter and AO3, and now all these young whippersnappers idolize Mulder and Scully just as much if not more as I ever did! Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files? Not really, no. I've of course consumed a lot of media since The X-Files that I wanted to discuss with others - I'm a huge "Harry Potter" nerd, and I was outraged when Netflix canceled "The OA" - but strangely I've never had the urge to read or write fanfic about anything other than "The X-Files." Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Every Thursday night! I watch a chosen episode with a group of fans on Twitter and tweet about it - #tbtXFiles. That's great fun. There are episodes I've seen dozens of times over the years and episodes I think I only ever watched once, and it's always enlightening to watch them again with a certain critical eye. When I was a fan during the original run, I really idolized Mulder; I loved episodes where we saw him in all his cracked genius glory. Scully was a trailblazer of a character, of course, but I think the fandom has evolved over the years to give Scully her due. Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom? I was fairly stunned when the revival came around and I realized that people were still writing X-Files fic, and that a lot of it was so good. So yes, I do read fic on Archive of Our Own. But my heart is always with the early days of fanfic. In the revival when Mulder says "I've always wondered how this was going to end" - that felt to me almost like a love letter to fanfic authors who had been trying to answer that question for 25 years. Surprisingly, I've never had the urge to read fic in another fandom. Every time I try, it just feels like I'm cheating on Mulder and Scully. Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors? My favorite author back in the day was Kipler. Her stories were just like real episodes of the show I could vividly imagine in my mind. I adore syntax6, particularly "20" and "The Birthday Stories," because of the way she perfectly and poignantly captures vignettes that span the entire series. Another favorite is Dawn and her "Blood Ties" series - I started out as a "NoRomo," and Dawn was one of the authors who made me believe Mulder and Scully could have a romantic relationship that really worked. And I always had a soft spot for Profiler!Mulder stories, so to this day I mourn the unfinished state of the great Kronos fic "Ascent to Hell." One fic I always come back to that captures profiling Mulder really well is "Domination of Lies," by cslatton. And then there are stories that I consider classics: "Corpse" by Livengoo, "Oklahoma" by Amperage and Livengoo, the "Revelations" and "All Hallow's Eve" series by Windsinger. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise? I have a soft spot for a story I wrote called "Human Credential." I was attempting, a quarter-century after the first season of the show, to set a story in the very early days of the partnership (which these days is one of my favorite kinds of fanfic to read), and I felt like I nailed it. Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online? I have been doing both of these, as a matter of fact! Or in my case, they are oldies that made it online but vanished when Geocities went belly-up, for example, that I sometimes go back to and reshape. Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work? As the swallows return to Capistrano, I seem to always return to writing fic at periods of transition in my life. The first time I "retired" from fanfic, I wasn't even in college yet! If one can be nostalgic at 21 years old for something one gave up at 17, I was nostalgic for fanfic, and I picked it back up again in grad school. Then I became a teacher and a wife and a mom and years passed, and the revival seduced me back into it again. But the vast majority of fanfic I've written is firmly planted in the first seven seasons of the show - poor Mulder and Scully never seem to get to grow up in my stories. What's the story behind your pen name? I wrote under a lot of pen names over the years! When I first started writing fanfic, no one knew anything about Internet safety and it didn't occur to me that it wasn't wise to use my real name. There was a period when I would have been mortified if anyone discovered my stories under my real name - now, at least I can write it off as a youthful indulgence! When I finally grew into a more mature writer, I started using the name Rae Lynn, which is almost-but-not-quite my real first and middle names. Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? As far as I know, unless my friends and acquaintances have done some sleuthing, only my husband knows I still write fanfic. And he's never read it, though he's kind enough to give me a glazed-eyes indulgent smile if I ever talk about it. Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now? I am xraelynn on AO3! I have about a dozen stories there - some of them I wrote 15 years ago and some of them are brand spanking new. Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Fanfic is a true labor of love. Fanfic authors don't write fanfic for money or fame; they do it because they love it. Sites like AO3 and Tumblr have made it so much easier to show your appreciation to writers (::gruff reminiscing voice:: back in my day, you had to send them an email, and now you can just click the "kudos" button!). I can only speak for myself, but I really thrive on that feedback - otherwise I'm just Mulder in his cramped hovel of a home office waiting for Scully to nag me to shave my beard. Every so often I think about the fact that there is so much high-quality writing about these characters I've loved for decades just available on the Internet for free and it feels like a true gift.

(Posted by Lilydale on May 4, 2021)

[chaoticallysapphic]

the great divide part six

summary:  Who knew that eight words would be your undoing. If you had known then what you know now you wouldn't have signed up for Suyin's dance troupe, you probably would have left Zaofu just to be safe. But you didn't and fate had branded you with a path that chained you to someone who would break your heart.

a/n: The last part! Please remember there is an epilogue, Gif is made by @stelladonna​ and a massive thanks to @medeliadracon​ for beta reading this series! And also a big thank you to @ladyxffandoms​ for helping me figure out what was missing. 

word count: 8k

When you leave her office, Kuvira is filled with rage so hot she fears it may burn her insides. She hears the slam of her doors and the muffled conversation between guards before it’s softly shut once more. “It shouldn’t be a tough decision, Kuvira.”

The malice in your voice, the use of her full name, it shattered through the toughest of walls within her. Ones you’d never breached before. She’s never been good with her emotions, ever since she was a child she warped her sadness, her loneliness, and sometimes even happiness into anger as a way to protect herself. 

She was a difficult child with a temper the size of Ba Sing Se, so difficult in fact that her parents deemed her unfit for their life. It felt like the world was ending when she first arrived in Zaofu, the way her parents spoke to her before they left, making her seem like no one would ever truly love her unless she let Suyin mold her into a model citizen. 

And that was another problem, Suyin always tried to turn Kuvira into a miniature version of herself. It didn’t matter how different she was, Suyin tried to bury who Kuvira truly was with a perfected version of herself, a false one.

Up until her parent's abandonment, she always assumed love would be easy and that she would instantly marry her soulmate. She’d pull her shirt up just a bit and look at the words swirled across her hip bone in wonder. “Would you mind helping me memorize the routine?”

Those words, however minuscule and mundane, proved to her that she was worthy of love. That one day she would be loved. But as she grew older in Zaofu she felt a disconnect regarding those words on her hip, the first time she had sex she had covered it up, as if trying to shield the person she hadn’t even met yet. Hara, the name of the girl who had eyed her since the first day of guard training, didn’t seem to care at all. 

Kuvira feels like she should lie and say she had her eyes on you since the first practice you attended but honestly she hadn’t even noticed the new addition to the troupe. When you had pranced over to her, still light on your feet after the routine, and spoke, she wondered what kind of soft-spoken woman would end up loving someone whose own parents hated her? 

She remembers that night in the metal flower in vivid detail. When you were spinning alongside her in the air she suddenly was consumed with the desire to kiss you, she didn’t even realize she had pulled you close until your soft lips touched hers. 

She knew from the moment you spoke that first day she should have broken up with Baatar Jr. But Kuvira, even though she will never admit it out loud, is a stubborn and flawed woman who can’t stop once she sets her mind to something. 

The fourth night of the second month on the train after she had been uncharacteristically gentle with you, was the first time you said you loved her. She asked you to repeat yourself again and again until you pulled her into a deep kiss, pouring all your love into it. The action left her breathless, and with that kiss, you broke her first wall.

She doesn’t even realize she’s crying until she starts to think about you and all her memories of you. You’re most likely in your room erasing any trace of her there may be, completely ready to extract her from your life. 

Kuvira forces herself out of her office and over to her front door, she opens it up just a few inches, enough for the guard nearby to see. She doesn’t care if he can see the tears racing down her cheeks. “Have a guard stationed outside of Y/n’s door.”

Once she shuts the door after he nods, Kuvira walks into her room where she sits on the edge of her bed. If she goes to sleep, will you still be in her life tomorrow? Kuvira shoves off her boots but otherwise stays in her uniform as she lays down and stares blankly out the window, her country needs her. They need her to protect them in a way no one has ever protected her before. 

Kuvira doesn’t sleep that night, she stays awake, her gaze focused on a potted plant out in the courtyard, and imagines every possible scenario in her head. These last few years have spoiled her in a way, you were always by her side through it all. You were there cheering her on and making her feel loved and wanted. She doesn’t know if she can go back to how it used to be, to loneliness. 

When rays of sunshine start to peak through her window, she pulls herself up and out of bed. Kuvira goes to the bathroom to smooth out any wrinkles in her clothes but doesn’t feel the energy or motivation to change into a fresh pair. She slept in her bun, it’s a bit frizzy now with a few loose strands that she tries to tuck into her braid, there’s a pesky curl that won’t cooperate. Kuvira eventually gives up on it, letting it stay out and frame the side of her face. 

You love when she has her hair down, when it’s down you immediately run your fingers through the dark curls and let out this content sigh that fills her heart with adoration. Kuvira shoves her feet into her boots on the way out of her room, beyond caring about her appearance. The guard outside her door, the same from last night steps forward when she walks out of her room. 

“Ms. Y/n left her room around one A.M, it’s been reported that she’s staying at the encampment.” Kuvira frowns, did she take too long? Have you given up? 

You were her guiding hand, her moral compass and now you’re gone. “Thank you,” she says monotonously before heading towards the kitchen. Despite her desire to shut herself off from the world, her stomach is cramping in pain due to hunger. She should have eaten the food you gave her last night, now it’s strewn across the desk in her office, cold and gone bad. 

She takes herself the familiar route to the kitchens, growing up here has its perks. She'd seen how you look around in a mixture of confusion and wonder when they had gone to try and negotiate with Suyin. Kuvira knows this place, she ran down these very halls when she was younger. Despite the hollowness that echoes through the halls, the lack of laughter and conversation turns the whole home into a colorless husk of what it used to be.

Kuvira hadn't noticed the lack of life within as she walked into the empty kitchen. Her guards had gotten Suyin's chef to cook breakfast and dinner, and she had given him lunch off. It was for sentimental reasons, all the birthday cakes he baked her and midnight snacks. He might hate her now but she'll keep giving him lunch off in hopes of paying him back for the happy memories. She doesn't like to owe people. 

He must not be in yet, it's barely dawn. The kitchen is empty, giving Kuvira the perfect moment of respite before her dreadful day. She grabs a piece of bread, most likely baked yesterday, and an apple. Part of her doesn't have an appetite, to upset about her fight with you to want to eat. She forces it down with a glass of water, the food helps her slightly, helps her feel stronger than before. 

Kuvira walks down the hall, her feet carried her out of the estate and towards the tram. “I need to get out of the city,” she says to the operator waiting for any passengers by the tram doors. He nods and briskly walks over to the operating booth, she decides to grab onto the pole at the center of the cart and stand. The machinery starts with a jolt but Kuvira remains unmoving, staring straight ahead. Slowly the scenery around her begins to change, it takes her around the outer domes where a few people are toddling about, most likely walking off to work. 

The tram goes under a tunnel before entering the main dome. That towering golden statue of Toph Beifong comes into view and Kuvira sighs as a memory of you enters her mind. 

You’re moving around your room on the train as the view from outside is blurred due to the speed you were moving at. You and Kuvira were beginning to get to know each other in the safety of the night, which brought you such joy. Standing in front of your vanity with only Kuvira’s undershirt on you begin to take the pins out of your hair. “What was your home like?” She had asked. A wide smile made its way onto your face as you set the bobby pins into a small ring dish. 

“Just so cozy. We have a townhouse in the main dome across from the botanical gardens. I had the best view from my bedroom window,” you let out a wistful sigh as you begin to untie your locks. “Our home was directly situated to the center of it, all you had to do was walk across the street to enter. So I got to wake up with a view of every flower Zaofu has curated, it felt like it was just for me.” 

Kuvira watches you fondly from the bed as you continue “my dad and I made a metal planter to hang from our kitchen window by the front door, during summertime hydrangeas bloom from it.”

Without thinking Kuvira rushes over to the emergency brake button and slaps her hand onto it, the tram stops with a harsh jolt that sends her stumbling to the side. The doors automatically open with the lights above flashing red. Kuvira stands on the edge, looking below. The fall isn’t far but it could still hurt her, so she bends two of the metal seats, ripping them out of their places screwed to the floor and warping it into a crud shape of a ladder. 

She bends it to the edge, moving the nails that popped out to screw them into the floor to secure the ladder. Kuvira lets out a deep sigh before beginning her descent below. This is stupid and will most likely blow up in her face, but if you decide to say goodbye to her today, she wants to see the place that you once called home. There are a few inches between the ladder and the ground so Kuvira jumps, She bends at the ladder back into the tram so if it starts whilst she’s away it won’t break any buildings in the process. 

An old man opening up shop stares at Kuvira with wide eyes, watching her walk away as the tram above stays frozen. She’s a block away from the garden she’s heard you gush about, more and more people begin to filter out from their homes to start their day and each one eyes her with disgust. Squaring her shoulders, she stares ahead and away from everyone's watchful gaze. 

The gardens come into view, towering bright green trees with vines growing on the wrought iron fence surrounding it. Kuvira stops at the entrance, looking inside with hesitancy, as if worried she’ll destroy it upon contact. There’s a pond in the center with a few lily pads floating around with two benches across from one another by the pond. 

Flowers of all shapes and colors are scattered around and when her gaze locks on the towering Sunflowers in bloom, Kuvira suddenly remembers once finding you tucked behind them with bloodshot eyes and a raspy voice from crying. That was the second time she had knowingly hurt you, the first being asking you to keep it a secret. Kuvira takes a step back, not feeling worthy of stepping inside such a radiant place, and begins her trek around it to your house. 

Most of the homes don’t have many outdoor decorations, a welcome mat or a potted plant seems to be the theme so when her eyes lock onto that metal planter with blue hydrangeas Kuvira knows she’s found the place. It’s a two-story townhome with some sort of stick figure drawn on the second story window and when she looks over her shoulder she sees how perfectly centered the house is to see all of the gardens from above. 

She doesn’t know what to do now. She never really thought through her plan, which is incredibly unlike her, but that memory came flooding back through her mind and she knew she needed to see it for herself. Slowly she takes a step forward, and then another and another until she’s in front of the door with her fist raised, rapping three times against the metal. 

Kuvira doesn’t know why she does it, maybe it's the sleep deprivation or an act of desperation to feel your presence again, she honestly doesn’t know. There’s the sound of thunderous footsteps from behind the door and a masculine voice calling out “I’ll get it!” 

A man opens the door with the same color hair as you, he’s a bit on the chubbier side and looks to be roughly 6’2 or maybe even 6’3. 

Kuvira can see the resemblance in certain features of his and it makes her long for you even more. Your father scowls at the sight of her, his demeanor has changed from cheery to vexed in a matter of seconds. She shouldn’t be surprised. 

“I’m Kuvi-” 

“I know who you are, you made us kneel before you.” His voice is gruff and his words clipped. Kuvira sighs, right, she did do that. “What do you want?”

‘I’ve come to talk to you and your wife about… well about your daughter.” Spirits this is awkward, your father stares Kuvira down for a few moments before frowning. Slowly he steps aside, letting her in. Your home is warm with family photos framed and hanging from the wall, the entry is a narrow hallway with an archway that leads into a small kitchen. As Kuvira follows your dad down the hall her eyes catch on a photo of you. 

You can’t be any older than eight in it with your arms wrapped around your father's neck as he carries you on his back. Your mother is beside the two of you, pushing a loose strand of hair behind your ear. All three of you are grinning and Kuvira notices that one of your front teeth is missing. Both of you have lived such different lives. At eight Kuvira was being abandoned by her parents for being too out of control. 

Two people who grew up in completely different environments with such clashing personalities are soulmates, in some ways, it seems like a sick joke. But she can’t be upset about it when she loves you this much, just confused. 

Your father clears his throat, ripping Kuvira from her thoughts. She looks over and tenses, he’s looking at her like he wants to say something but shakes his head and enters the room at the end of the hall. Kuvira reluctantly leaves the photo behind and follows after him. 

The room is a living and dining room with a small circular table that has an elegant bouquet of yellow and white flowers in a simple vase with four chairs tucked underneath it. There is a cozy looking periwinkle sofa and an unlit fireplace with a photo hanging above it, this one is larger and is of you before the performance all those years ago. You look so pretty in that costume and so happy. Kuvira swallows. 

Your dad walks up the staircase tucked to the right, leaving her in the living room where she awkwardly stands. She doesn’t think he wants her to go up. Kuvira makes out the sound of aggressive whispering from upstairs, she can’t make out any of the words but soon after two people come walking downstairs. Your father and your mother. 

Kuvira’s eyes widened, you always mentioned your mother being part of the guard but you never mentioned her being the Lieutenant for the main dome. Not only did she help train Kuvira, but she also placed the captain's pin onto her uniform during her ceremony. She had smiled at Kuvira, having seen her as her own, and said quietly “I’m so proud of you.” 

That smile is long gone and replaced with a scowl. “What could you possibly want to say about our daughter?” Your father places a gentle hand on her shoulder, trying to calm her down a bit. 

Kuvira gulps as she eyes the both of them, there're so many emotions raging within her now that she doesn’t know if she can even speak. Suddenly this place somehow seems too much like you and she wants to run away from your mother's wrathful gaze. “I’m… Your daughter,” Kuvira internally groans. This shouldn’t be so hard. “ Y/n and I are soulmates.” 

“So the rumors are true…” Your father mutters as he plops down onto the couch with a dumbfounded expression. 

“What rumors?” She had locked herself up in her room all of yesterday and this is her first time having a conversation with someone that’s not you. Your father grimaces. 

“That guards found you in her room, naked,” your mother spits the words out. Oh spirits, this is not a good first impression. Kuvira feels her face flush a deep red “that you imprisoned your fiancé because he caught the two of you.” 

“It’s a lot more than that” she offers, neither seems to care. Your father seems to not want to hear any of this because he quickly stands and walks off towards the kitchen. The sounds of pots and pans being moved can be heard through the otherwise eerily silent home. “I didn’t want to imprison him.” 

“I don’t care, what I want to know is why you were even with him if my daughter is your soulmate. She abruptly left with you three years ago.”  

The explanation floating around her mind isn’t good enough, she can’t seem to figure out how to eloquently explain herself without it seeming like she doesn’t care about you. Suddenly as she thinks over the last three years and she starts to notice how harshly she’s treated you. 

Up until now she always claimed it was for the good of the country, when you both finally got married the world would try to eat you up and chew you out for being with her. She needed you to have a perfect image and be resilient. 

“I-I needed him for engineering and he wouldn’t leave with us unless he thought I loved him,” Kuvira says sheepishly. Your mother looks unimpressed as her jaw begins to clench. “I have always loved your daughter though.” 

“So you hid my daughter, my beautiful, amazing, and sweet daughter away like something to be ashamed of?” She takes a step closer, scowling. Kuvira feels like the collar of her jacket is choking her. 

“No! I have never been ashamed of her, I always told her how much I loved her.” 

“But you turned her into the other woman for your own selfish desires!” 

“They weren’t selfish, they were for the good of the empire! She understood.” Kuvira thinks you understood but right now she’s not too sure. A kettle in the background begins to whistle. 

“My daughter dreamed of the day she’d meet her soulmate, she had everything planned out and I know for a fact that the woman I raised would not be okay with what you’ve turned her into!” Your father quietly reenters the room with a tray that holds three teacups with steam coming from them. 

“I love her, I just want to fix everything! It's why I came here,” that’s the real reason that compelled Kuvira to come here, if anyone knew you better than her, it’d be your parents. 

“How is she doing?” Your father asks, Kuvira looks over at him and notices how sad he looks. His eyes are bloodshot and a few tears fall from his eyes before he wipes them away. 

“She’s healthy but upset with me.” 

“As she should be,” your mother mutters under her breath. He picks up a teacup and blows on it, “why is she upset?” His voice cracks. 

“She wants me to end this, told me it's her or the empire and I don’t know what to do.” Kuvira sighs and runs a hand through her hair, messing her bun up a bit. 

“And why haven’t you chosen her already?” Your father's voice is calm, there’s a sadness to it but he doesn’t shout or rage like your mother who has her back turned to Kuvira as she goes to pick up one of the teacups. She can see how tense your mother is, how angry she still is. 

“Because it's my country, if I give it up to Wu and Suyin then I am turning my back on the people I promised to protect.” 

“You once promised to protect Zaofu at all costs” your mother snips out, he places a hand on her shoulder and softly says “honey, please.” She relaxes just a fraction as she takes the seat beside him at the table, glaring at her tea. 

“These people are vulnerable and need someone to make sure they feel safe again. I’m that person, and your daughter understood that, or I thought she did.” 

Your father sets his cup down and pats the chair beside him that’s situated across from your mother. She shyly walks over to it, she doesn’t want to sit down but she’s already pissed your mom off just by existing and she’d rather not give her another reason to hate her. 

“They were vulnerable, but you have gotten rid of the bandits and raiders. You’ve stabilized the empire as you promised, now it’s time to let go and hand over the reins to someone else.” 

“I can’t do that,” Kuvira says, her heart is racing. Let someone else rule? Give up the control she craves? The idea makes her feel unsafe, like the second she does it someone will destroy not only her but also you.

“You have to, my daughter won’t stay with you otherwise. Are you really ready to give up love for power?” He hands her the last cup of tea, the scent of jasmine wafts up and fills her senses. She slowly goes to pick up the cup, her hands shaking. 

She’s so overwhelmed, none of this is meant to be happening. She’s supposed to win and you're meant to love and support her, then she proposes with a beautiful emerald ring that she’d make herself and you’d say yes. That’s how it’s meant to go, that’s how she has envisioned it since day one. 

“This isn’t how it’s meant to go” she confesses, your father sets a soft hand on her own to help stop the shaking. 

“How do you think it’s meant to go?” And so she tells him what she just thought, and she adds on how both of you would continue to better this country together and maybe, one day in the far future, have a child. 

“Did you ever ask Y/n if that’s what she wants?” Your mother tries to keep her voice calm, tries to keep from yelling at her again. Kuvira stares down at the cup, trying to wrack her brain around the time you’d chime in with the future you wanted, or a time she even asked. “Just because it’s the future you planned for her doesn’t mean it's the one she wants. You can’t just plan everything out without including your partner's opinions and desires into the equation.” 

You once talked about what your wedding would be like with Kuvira chiming in every once in a while, but that was it. That was the only time you mentioned anything regarding the future. 

“Love is about equality, you both should be putting in equal effort. It’s a delicate balance that takes time to learn, give, and take. It’s not always going to be perfect even with your soulmate but you make it work for each other. If my daughter stayed with you all these years then she must love you, but for her to put her foot down shows she has had enough.” Your father's voice is soothing and calms her down just a bit. 

“But…” Kuvira’s voice shakes, “what do I do if I give up control? It’ll never go back to how it was before, how am I meant to go back to everyday life after everything I’ve done? After knowing I probably could have done more.” 

“No one knows what life will be like after. But I think a few years down the road you could get back to the place you were at before, maybe a new and improved version due to all the knowledge you’ve acquired over the years and due to having Y/n with you,” he takes a sip of his tea after speaking and delicately sets it down on its saucer. 

“I know you need control in your life Kuvira, it’s what made you good at being Captain, but you need to let go. Everyone has to let go at some point and this is your time,” your mother says. Kuvira’s eyes glance around the room as she feels her heart begin to pound, it feels like any second it’ll leap out of her chest. Let go? The idea sends her mind spiraling with horrifying scenarios of what might happen. 

“We may not like you, but if you drop this once and for all, and make our daughter happy then,” your mother lets out a deep sigh “we will be here to support and help you.” Tears glisten in her eyes as she stares at the both of them. “If our daughter loves you then that must mean there’s still some good left in you.” 

Kuvira begins to softly cry, a hand comes up to cover her mouth as her shoulders hunch in on themselves. Your dad lets out a soft sigh and says “c’mere,” before pulling her into his arms and hugging her. Kuvira doesn’t hug him back nor pull away, she just sits there and cries into his shoulder. She knows what she must do and it terrifies her, fills her with doubt, and causes her stomach to clench from anxiety. 

“You need to bring her back to us, please,” he whispers, and Kuvira nods. Slowly he pulls away from her and offers her a gentle, comforting squeeze on the shoulder. She desperately wipes at her eyes, suddenly embarrassed to have cried in front of them, and lets out a shuddering breath. 

“You should go find her,” your mother says. Kuvira stands on wobbly legs, her hand placed firmly on the table for support. When she’s fully upright your father pulls her back into a hug, a short one this time. Kuvira awkwardly pats his back until he lets go. 

Your mother stays seated, staring her down. “Don’t break her heart,” she says. Kuvira vehemently nods, her eyes wide. She will do whatever it takes to protect your beautiful heart and if you forgive her she will cherish it every second of every day. 

She leaves shortly after that, your dad gives her a cookie before letting her leave which turns out to be really good and she walks over to the tram station. It’s since been fixed so when she presses the button requesting its presence it zooms by and opens its doors for her. The chairs are still messed up, just laying there a mess of something hardly resembling what they used to be. The tram takes her out of the city and to the entrance where she wastes no time hopping into a jeep and speeding off. 

The midmorning sun beats down, today is incredibly hot and causes little beads of sweat to form on her forehead. When she gets to the encampment Kuvira slows just barely and everyone moves out of the way at the sound of the car barreling through. She abruptly stops it and jumps down before heading into her tent. 

Inside Kuvira marches to her radio, she disregards the state of it and doesn’t even notice the filing cabinet you broke as she tunes into the main radio station the encampment uses. “Radio Freedom, what do you need?” 

“Find y/n and send her to my tent.”

“Of course, great uniter. I’ll tell all my men to search for her.” The voice stutters out a reply before she switches it off. Spirits she feels like she might go crazy whilst she waits for you. She leans against the front of her desk with her arms crossed as she tries to come up with some grand speech of how much she loves you, of how your love and presence is what has kept her sane over these last few years. 

She looks up at the ceiling and sighs, the idea is terrifying but she chooses you, she’ll let go of her defenses and send her men home for you. 

The sound of fabric rustling has Kuvira snapping her head back down to stare into your eyes. You look pissed, you don’t have on your jacket so the white undershirt sticks to your sweaty skin and you have your hair in a messy ponytail instead of the usual bun. 

Kuvira wets her lips before speaking, “I spoke to your parents.” Your eyes widen at that, Kuvira continues “I didn’t realize I knew your mom, she helped train me when I first joined the guard.”  And she hates my guts which I don’t blame her, Kuvira thinks. I let her down, just like I let you down. 

You finally look into her eyes and spirits, even with that furious look on your face you take her breath away. “So?”

“She’s a blunt woman, and when I told her about us neither of your parents were pleased.” You wrap your arms around yourself and frown, she wishes she could know what’s going on inside your head. “But they gave me a piece of useful advice, something I probably could have had use of hearing all those years ago.” 

She slowly walks over to you, hesitantly so. When she’s close enough you look her over and purse your lips. There’s a slight look of concern written on your features and it swells her heart with a hint of hope. 

“That if I love you, it shouldn’t just be me taking from you, but by asking you to hide everything and go along with my plans that was exactly what I did. I realize now I never even asked what you want, what you envision when you see our future.” 

You begin to silently cry and she has to use all of her willpower to keep from reaching forward to wipe away your tears. 

“It should be equal. Give and take and be there for each other. There shouldn’t be punishments or silent treatment,” Kuvira pushes a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “What do you want?” 

You squeeze your eyes shut at her words, your bottom lip trembling. You get lost in your thoughts, something you do often but Kuvira decides not to pull you out. She’ll give you all the time you need to reply. 

“I want peace,” you say, your voice a mere whisper. But she hears you loud and clear. “I want this all to end and I want us to finally be able to love one another in front of others. I don’t want any of this, I can’t peacefully live in a world where this… this mission is a success.” 

Kuvira takes a step forward and opens her mouth to pour out all of her feelings, to promise that she’ll end it when something interrupts your moment. A shout and gunfire pierce through the air. Kuvira’s heart drops and she rushes forward to look outside of the tent. 

Her men are scrambling around like ants, stumbling to get to their places. She makes out a clash of fire and earth up ahead and runs out, leaving you behind. She turns a corner and comes face first with one of her men, instead of informing her of what’s going on he shoots a ball of fire at her. Kuvira’s eyes widen as she bends up a wall to protect her. 

“C’mon oh great uniter! Fight me” he shouts. Kuvira’s nostrils flare as she pushes the wall forward towards the man, it hits him and sends him stumbling back. As she advances with hands clenched, ready to activate his bracelet he shoots a spiraling wave of fire out of his foot that has Kuvira jumping out of the way. “It’s even ground now,” he says in a smug tone as he raises her pant leg to show a naked ankle. What?

Her heart races as she stands back up, cracking her neck to the side. She fought the avatar, she can fight this puny fire bender. Kuvira gets into stance, smirking as she shoots out two pieces of metal, one wraps around his ankle and the other around his neck, and with a twist of her wrist, he’s flying backward, slamming into the metal wall of one of the guardhouses. 

“Kuvira!” She hears you spit out, her head turns as she watches you desperately run over with an enraged look on your face. You bend the metal off the poor man, he falls to the floor with a groan. “Leave him alone.” 

“He is defying me!” Her eyes widened in rage, how could you defend him? “He is one of my soldiers and he just tried to kill me.” 

“He was never one of your soldiers!” Your fists are clenched as you try to control your anger, “you forced him into this!” 

With both of you distracted he raises once more, letting out a pained groan before shooting a small, weaker bolt of fire. You shoot up a wall for the both of you, keeping your gaze trained on your lover. “It’s him or me.” 

Kuvira lets out a growl of anger at your words, loyal earth empire soldiers rush past towards the battlefield, ignoring the lover's quarrel as they shout out commands to one another. “Why are you defending him!?” 

“Because Kuvira what we did back then wasn’t right, because I made a promise to myself to protect them and I will not break it!” Her eyes widen, stumbling back a step. There’s so much going on in her head, she just wants to silence all the anger and confusion that burns within this situation. 

“You freed him?” She asks incredulously, you thickly swallow before nodding.

 “I freed all of them.” Your wall begins to crumble, the fire bender has since left, leaving the two of you to stare at one another. “And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I should have never let you cage them in as you did. You asked me early what I want? I want you to let this war go, I want you to leave them alone and surrender!” 

“I can’t do that!” Not now, not after being attacked, not after seeing that her men are in some sort of danger. Your hands reach up to cup her cheeks, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Yes you can, I know you can Kuvira.” 

She rips herself out of your grasp, suddenly feeling like your touch will poison her. Poison her resolve and burn away all of her control. She needs this war to thrive, she needs it more than air itself. 

A deafening boom is heard from behind her, once more she leaves you behind but this time she feels you hot on her heels as she runs towards the battle. Kuvira vaguely makes out something moving in the air, she squints her eyes to figure out what it is and the object swoops down just a bit to drop down soldiers that aren’t hers. It’s a sky bison she realizes, that must mean Korra is here. 

She sees that one of the people that dropped down is Bolin as he lava bends a circle around him and his team to protect them from her soldiers. He wastes no time as he bends up a chunk of earth and hurls it towards the soldiers, most don’t jump out of the way in time, the force of it knocks them down and causes them to pass out. She hopes they are just passed out. 

The others around him are all different kinds of benders donning makeshift armor under their shaggy and ripped clothes, Kuvira realizes with a stunned expression that it’s the reeducation camp uniforms. Her heart pounds as more of her men fall all around her, the comforting words of your father worm their way into her head as she squeezes her eyes shut. The young dictator stumbles back and pulls at the roots of her hair in frustration, she can’t let this go, can’t give up. 

This is the most in control she’s ever felt, she no longer fears for her life or for her future, it was within reach and exactly what she imagined it to be. With her rule, she thought she erased any chance of reliving her younger years, alone and heartbroken as the longing for someone to hold her ate her up. Suyin’s comforting words never worked, but the sound of her men marching did. 

When Kuvira opens her eyes she sees that more of her men have fallen and Bolin’s group has moved on, she surges forward to eradicate them when your hand wraps around her forearm and pulls her back. She looks over her shoulder with a snarl, not realizing it’s you. 

“Don’t make me choose between you and my country.”

 “It shouldn’t be a tough decision, Kuvira.”

But if she does choose this war, this overabundance of control she will be alone and heartbroken because you will leave her. You made it clear yesterday that you won’t stand by and support this anymore, that you won’t stay by her side if she chooses this path. Your fingers through her hair work too, your soothing words are like a balm to her soul and your smile eases her into this warm state of calmness.

With you, she doesn’t need the marching of her men or the rush she gets when getting someone to sign over their land. You give it to her without a second thought, you give to her because you love her and your love doesn’t come with a price or consequences. 

You tug her to the trunk of a jeep and force her climb onto it. When she stands up on the hunk of metal you grab her cheeks and force her to look at the battle ahead. More and more of her men are falling as air benders use their full force and mecha suits shoot them down. Kuvira then notices the lack of mecha suits on her side and how in the middle of the field there’s a clash of green uniforms going against one another. The field lights up with all forms of bending as each man readily gives their life to her cause. 

“If you surrender your men will be fine! Kuvira be the woman I know you are, stand down!” You pull her eyes away from the scene so she can look at you, look into your eyes that are full of fear and desperation. 

“Bu-” Her heart begins to race, she feels like she may vomit. 

“I need you Kuvira! I need you more than them, so surrender,” you bite your lip. “For us, please Vira.” 

You pull her into a breathtaking kiss that's anything but romantic, your fingers squeeze a bit tighter at her cheeks as you slant your lips against her own, she shakily brings her own hands up to grip your waist in a bruising hold. 

When you pull away, there’s a tear racing down your cheek as you stare into her eyes. “Please.”

“Fine!” She spits out, her throat feels like it’s closing up as her fingers begin to shake. This is everything she’s worked towards for three years, every agonizing day spent pouring herself into documents and threatening governors and mayors into submitting to her will. 

Every kiss she ever gave Baatar, every time she ignored your pleading eyes. 

She’s about to give it all up for you and feels panic scrap through her as if it were wrapped in barbed wire and she doesn’t know what to do, her whole body shakes as she looks around at the mess she created. 

“We need to get to the fro-” Your eyes widen, trained on something behind her. 

“Watch out!” You scream, pushing her out of the way. An icicle bolts through the air, it all seems so slow and yet happens so fast. Kuvira goes stumbling back, barely able to keep herself up, her gaze moved from you during the push so when she hears the sound of you letting out some sort of strangled sound her head whips over to see the icicle lodged in your lower left stomach. Your white shirt begins to turn red as blood spills out. She’s frozen in place as she watches you slowly lift a hand to touch your wound as a pained whimper leaves your lips. 

That terrible noise rips her out of her frozen state and she dashes over to hold you as you begin to fall to your knees. When Kuvira looks over to see where the icicle came from she looks into the wide, terrified eyes of one of the rebels. It’s one of the ones you helped free. 

Before she can even think of all the ways she’s going to kill that woman you croak out “Vira?” Her gaze flickers back to yours, tears are welling up in your eyes and Kuvira feels the warm blood begin to spill onto her hands. 

“I’m gonna save you, gonna find someone to heal you.” Her voice is high pitched and cracking but she doesn’t care. “You are not going to die.” Kuvira looks around for someone to help save you, her one chance at happiness from going up in flames. She feels her vision blur as she desperately turns her head in all directions when it lands on the blue robes of the water benders fighting on Korra’s side. 

One of them has to be a healer, she thinks. “I need to lay you down so I can drive,” you grip at her wrist, your eyes widening at the idea of her letting go of you. “It’s the only way I can save you, I’m so sorry.” 

Suddenly she doesn’t care about anything but you, her fear of losing control has been replaced with the fear of losing you. She can’t lose you, you're the light in her life and without you, she’ll once more be the abandoned, unlovable ward of Suyin.

She quickly leans down to press a firm kiss to your forehead before gently setting you down in the trunk of the car before clumsily jumping into the front seat and turning the key. The jeep roars to life, the only problem is how her pathway is blocked. 

Kuvira stands in her seat and pulls two large walls from the earth, soldiers stumble out of the way as she pushes it through the battlefield, offering a small, clear pathway for her to drive through. She floors it and hears you groaning in the background, causing her to grip the steering wheel harder.

Her hands keep slipping from being soaked in your blood, she fights with all her might to not look down at them, knowing she needs to focus on the road ahead. Her wall ends halfway so with one hand she bends two walls again, it takes a bit longer and these walls are much shorter and less sturdy but it does the trick. 

Suddenly Korra appears at the end of the pathway, her hands once lit with fire extinguish at the frantic look on Kuvira’s face. She makes it to the end of the pathway, Korra jumps out of the way as Kuvira slams her foot on the brakes. The car comes to a screeching halt and without a second to lose Kuvira is scrambling out of the front seat to where she left you. 

Kuvira lets out a loud, strangled sob at the sight before her. Your skin is so pale and there’s so much blood, the floor of the trunk is coated in the deep red and Kuvira bites back a sob. You look up at her, softly saying “Vira?” 

Kuvira’s wet hands go to rest on your cheeks, she looks up at Korra and screams “I need a healer!” Her scream snaps Korra out of her daze and she rushes over to the jeep, when she opens the door of the trunk and sees blood begin to trickle off the edge, her heart drops. 

She’s never met you before but Suyin told her enough to know you're the one who helped them. She climbs into the truck, her brown pants slowly sticking to her skin from the blood. 

The icicle has melted now, leaving in its wake a gaping hole as she summons water from one of the vats they brought for the benders and encases her hands in it. She’s only ever healed herself and it was never something so severe. 

“Please,” Kuvira says to the avatar, her wet words scraping out of her throat as she continues to cry. “Please save her.” Korra nods, keeping her gaze on your wound as her hands begin to glow and hover over the gaping hole.

Neither of them notices how the fight has halted, Kuvira’s soldiers waiting for her to end the avatar due to how close they are. Their leader begins to sob as she desperately holds your neck so she can lift your head and set it on her lap. The metal probably isn’t very comfortable. Your cheeks and neck now have bloody handprints on them as Kuvira repeats like a mantra “You’ll be fine, you’re gonna be fine. I love you so much, you’re gonna live.” 

Korra calls over her shoulder “I need another healer!” Two waterbenders rush over, water already bent around their hands as they climb up to help. All of their hands glow as they hover over your wound, “she’s lost a lot of blood” one of them says to the other.

“Just fix it!” Kuvira demands, her heart dropping at his comment, neither of them acknowledges her as they continue to work on her soulmate, one of your hands weakly grab at her wrist so she’ll look at you, her gaze snaps to yours and she softens in an instant. “Everything’s gonna be okay, my love. Okay?” 

“Okay,” you weakly reply. Kuvira rests her forehead against your own, trying to keep from screaming out. “I love you, Vira.” 

“I love you too, y/n. I love you so much.” She continues to repeat herself, you look up into her eyes with a small, adoring smile. 

It feels like hours go by as they work on you. Whilst the three water tribe members try to save your life, Suyin walks up with a solemn look on her face. “You need to end this, Kuvira.” 

Her eyes pull away from yours to look into those of Suyin’s and she angrily spits out “I don’t care, end it. So long as Y/n lives I don’t care.” Her men at the very front of her army hear her though and all let out differing noises of surprise. “I surrender.” 

Suyin begins to spit out orders on how to arrest her men, she sends the other Beifongs back to Zaofu to clean up Kuvira’s mess whilst everyone else stays on the battlefield to help her arrest and detain the earth empire loyalists. Kuvira places a kiss on your forehead and closes her eyes so she doesn’t have to watch it all be ripped from her, she focuses on your breathing as she tunes out the youngest Beifong sister. 

Every once in a while you groan out in pain and Kuvira’s heart clenches with fear each time. “We’ve done all we can for now,” Korra says softly from behind her. Kuvira looks over her shoulder at the Avatar and sees Suyin walk up to the edge of the trunk with her arms crossed over her chest. “You can send me away to prison once she’s better, just don’t take me away from her just yet.” 

“I made a promise to Y/n and I may not like it but I will stand by it. By ending this war you will be put under house arrest, we need Y/n awake before we can do that though.” Suyin sighs, Kuvira’s gaze shifts to your own at Suyin’s words but she finds them shut. 

Frantically, fearful that you won’t ever wake up, she places two fingers on your pulse. It’s weak, but there. “She’s just sleeping, she’ll need lots of it.” 

“Y/n said she’ll choose the city for herself, for now, we’ll need to cuff you and take the both of you back to Zaofu so she can get the rest she needs.” 

She pulls your body up and into her arms so she can hold you, your head lulls onto her shoulder and you let out a soft groan at the movement. 

She places a kiss on your forehead and closes her eyes as she hears orders being given by the younger Beifong sister. She doesn’t listen, too focused on your breathing to care. She has willingly given up her army for you, and she’d do it again if it means saving your life. 

[melodysilverknight]

Activity 1: Autobiography

My name is (fullname), I'm currently (age) years old and will soon be turning (to be age) this (day/month of birth) of 2020. I am currently living with my maternal grandparents, Mrs. (Maternal grandmother's full name) and Mr. (Maternal grandfather's full name), in (complete current address) along with my, soon to be (to be age) year old, younger brother, ( younger brother's full name). We moved to Batangas 7 years ago but before that we used to live in Quezon City.

We live in (previous address) which intersected with the highway. Our house, or rather apartment, was within distance of the church, marketplace, and the mall, which made a lot of things, especially shopping, very convenient. I lived there with my father, Mr. (Father's full name), my mother, Mrs. (Mother's full name), my paternal grandmothers, (Paternal grandmother's full name) and her sister (Paternal grandmother's name) and, whenever she was around, my paternal aunt, (paternal aunt's name). For the most part of me and my brother's living there, we didn't get to spend too much time with our parents since they both worked, our mother at (occupation), and our father at the (occupation), meaning they were never home a lot and we mostly only got to see them on the weekends, so it was mostly our grandmothers who took care of us and we spent time with, even as toddlers, however, whenever we did get to spend time with them it was always a lot of fun. One of our main family activities back then was to head out to the mall parking lot behind the church in the morning, during those times the parking lot would be close to or completely empty, so we would take the car and head to the parking lot to either jog or play frisbee. There was even one time, while my father was off on his own jogging while me and my mother and brother were playing with the frisbee, I decided I wanted to go and join my father, so I did the most sensible thing I could think of, and ran after him, little did I know, something was going on behind me. Some people had come to the parking lot to jog as well and brought their dog with them, for some reason it got loose and started going after me, my mother and brother noticed and were yelling at me then I noticed my father had already stopped his jog and was gesturing behind me which is when I finally noticed the dog on my tail. I ran for dear life, as much as I loved dogs and still do, at the time I still didn't know how to handle myself around dogs other than the ones we owned so I was scared silly. By the time the dog's owners finally caught it I was already out of breath. While I was taking a breather my folks had a small chat with the dog owners then headed over to me where we talked and eventually ended up laughing about the whole incident. After the jog we would head to the market to do the regular weekend shopping. During this, while mother would finish up her shopping I would partake in my little tradition of buying and eating my casava cake.

One of the other things I did with my family was visiting wildlife institutions. We used to visit Manila zoo and the nature park of the Quezon city branch of the World Wildlife Fund. As you could probably tell I have a thing for animals, they're my passion and I love them with every fiber of my being, from the biggest animal in the world, the Blue whale, to the smallest and most resilient creature in existence, the Tardigrade, and even the one animal that terrifies me completely, the spider, I have never once tired of the creatures of this planet and even to this day they still intrigue me. My love for animals was inspired by Steve Irwin, the man known around the world as the "Crocodile Hunter", he was a world renowned wildlife conservationist from Queensland, Australia and a biologist and zoologist who specialized in reptiles. I've watched Steve work with and save animals all over the world alongside his wife, Terri, and his daughter, Bindi, and because of this they became my life idols and have taught me so many things about animals and the beauty of nature and its creatures. Whenever we would visit the zoo or nature park one of my favorite things to do was to feed the animals, I'd head to the gazelle or impala enclosure with my family and I'd feed them fallen leaves through the metal barriers and whenever I did I felt as if the Irwins were with me and whenever I did I always wondered, is this what it was like for them everyday at Australia zoo, getting to be with those animals everyday of their lives. Me and my father also used to play spotting games at the zoo, whenever we would get to an enclosure that had a water hole or thick brush we would try our best to find the animals in the enclosure, of course my father would always win but it's always fun regardless.

In the years I had spent living in Quezon city, I attended 2 different elementary schools. For my first grade up to third grade I went to (name of school), a private school then for fourth and fifth grade I attended (name of school) then finally I moved to Batangas where I spent my last year in elementary school at (name of school). Looking back on my more pre-mature school years, I can say for certain now that my school life, in comparison to my private life, was not what I would call the most pleasing experience. Growing I had always been very socially challenged, although I would make the effort to introduce myself and try to make friends with my other classmates, I was never really able to maintain the bonds I had made and just ended up becoming estranged again but worse because I already knew them and they already knew me so I drew and came to the conclusion that even though they knew me, they never approached me, so I won't try to bother them anymore. And so, I kept up with my pattern over and over and over again, I thought it was a good thing, that I just gave them their space, but it wasn't. I ended up more socially awkward and estranged than before, I didn't know how to properly handle myself around people and I just got more and more shy. Things then took a turn for the worst when I started getting bullied, being the already shy character I was was bad enough but getting looked down on and picked on made it several times worse, the feeling of awkwardness I had before was intensified by intimidation and loneliness which made me even more timid. Looking past all the bullying one of the only things about school were the yearly field trips, something not only I, but all of my classmates would look forward to. It was during a field trip I took that I had my first visit to Ocean Adventure a marine facility that rivaled Ocean Park to me at the time,and my first trip to Enchanted Kingdom. My school bullying experience didn't stop until after I had graduated and reached their peak in 5th grade when it was my group's turn to clean the classroom after classes that day and my classmates thought it would be fun to pull a prank on me so they trapped me in the classroom holding the door closed while I tried to get out. Now I know it's been my flaw to take things seriously a bit too much but that was a bad time to pick on me and a poor choice of action, 1: I was shy and timid and didn't know how to respond well to others; 2: the school creeped me out so I wasn't comfortable getting left alone or locked in; and 3: the ones who pulled the prank were my classmates I considered very obnoxious and loud the kind of people who really intimidated me at the time. I went home crying that day, when my folks found out they went to my school with me the next day and complained about it but it never did completely stop.

High school was a turning point in my life, after six whole years of getting bullied and nearly experiencing depression I would finally be able to get away from it all, the city and bullies. At first I was very reluctant to attend junior high school in a school I wasn't all that familiar with but then my folks mentioned there weren't any lower grades in the school so we would all be new to the experience so I agreed to go in the end. My junior high school were all spent attending, what was formerly referred to as, (name of school), it was here that I had made my first real friends. I started my time at my new school in the same way I did at my previous schools, with introductions, but as the days went by I started seeing the pattern again. I honestly thought that things would end up the same, don't get me wrong, I'm happy about the fact that no one bullied me sure but I was still socially awkward, then things changed when I met, them. Halfway through the first quarter I got to know 5 other girls from my class. First was Ms. Berry, she was also a quiet girl in class so I was able to relate with her, she was also cheerful and nice, I even met her at church once, turns out she goes to the same church. Next there was Yshie, she became my bestfriend, she was quiet, stern looking and at first slightly gloomy, but when I got to know her it turns out we had a lot in common. We both had a love for anime and sketching, and turns out our birthdays were really close together mine was on (month and day of birth) and her's was was on the (day of birth). Chuchay was next, now compared to the first two, she was much more outgoing, she was bubbly, hyper, cheerful and overall very musically talented. She was a great singer and could even play guitar, she was awesome, and to tell you the truth, she became one of my music idols along with Taylor Swift, not that she ever knew that. Another musically talented one was Jingjing, let me tell you, those hands of her's did magic on guitar and keyboard. Like Chuchay, she was outgoing and cheerful but much calmer than Chuchay at te time, she used ro play guitar in the classroom whenever we had no classes and my other friends including the next one usually sang along to her accompaniment while I'd stay quiet. Last but not the least there was ate A, she was the most mature out of all of them in my opinion, she was the big sister of the group and had an attitude to match meaning she was sassy, but in a good way. Together the six of us founded our own friends group called (name of friends group), we all did so many things together but the rest of the story will have to be for a different time.

[missoneminute]

Les Inrockuptibles Interview with Peter Doherty

May 2019-05-15 

Transcribed by  @theoriginalcollectorglitter12 Thank you! 

Rescued by a fortnight of excess, Peter Doherty has just celebrated his 40 years and, health flickering but inspiration intact, reveals a peaceful album. meeting with a lucid rock-star for whom composing is life itself.

The day before our meeting, Peter Doherty celebrated his 40th birthday in Margate, a small seaside resort in the south-east of England where he now lives. Looking at the photos and videos of his evening with Carl barat on Instagram, we must admit that we had some doubts about his ability to tele-transfer to Paris the next morning. He is however at the rendezvous, to charm a whole team photo with his sparkling banter, to seize his acoustic guitar very often for improvised serenades, to tell his incredible journey to get here in full strike customs.

This unpredictable side, which has always been part of his personality, is as much a strength as a weakness. His fans have learned to accept that anything is possible with him: he can decide on a whim, to play in the intimate setting of La Maroquinerie early April, announcing just a week in advance. a month later, he may be forced to cancel a concert in Belfast by invoking the most far-fetched (but truthful) excuse that has ever been heard: he was struck down by a hedgehog sting he was trying to remove from the mouth of his dog. To love the music of Peter Doherty has long been to defend an underrated singer, portrayed as a cartoon character by the tabloids, better known for his legal troubles and his excesses of narcotics than for what he does best: write songs. When he sits by our side, in a baste deserted room, the agitation that accompanies him usually disappears. "I do not understand how a song is born, I do not really have the technique to write, all I know is that it's essential for me to have these songs," he says. Songs in my life, I'm hoping it'll be okay as soon as I make new songs, that's all that matters, if I can still compose, it'll be okay. " We ask him if his creativity had already abandoned him. He whispered, "I do not even dare to whisper it, it would be my death sentence, it's a permanent threat, I do not even want to think about it, it'll break my heart, and I'll be done." All those who did not pay dearly for the skin of Peter Doherty, predicting that he would join the club of 27, were wrong, fortunately. We find his troubadour quickdraw on the cover of his new album, signed Peter Doherty and the puta madres. "It's a picture of the wall of my room, where I drew my figure, on the peeling paint. The final visual was supposed to be seen from the front, with the title along the right side, but the result has been rotated for a reason that escapes me. "

When the Englishman lets things escape, it can also give moments of grace, as evidenced by the opening of the album, All at sea, a jewel of tenderness and regret. This piece is one of the treasures that had been dormant in her drawers for years - this is also the case for two other songs here in the credits, A fool there was and Narcissistic teen makes first XI, sometimes heard in concert or on acoustic sessions. For the record, this sensitive storyteller was used, in the early 2000s, to put online demos he had just recorded, a taste of sharing that reached its peak in 2006 when the entire file "my music "from his computer appears on the internet. We ask him how these three songs came back to him, which we thought were lost forever in the limbo of his memory: "they never left me, just to find the right moment and the right people with whom I could to play them, people who would not hurt me by talking or changing rooms while I'm making them listen to what I believe are some of the most beautiful things I've ever done. A fool there was very important to me, All at sea too, the Puta Madres understand them. "

We are curious to know if it happens to him to listen again all these old sessions which are still available on the net; "For a long time, no, but recently, I've reviewed them all during an emotional night, I've read everything on youtube and read all the comments - I do not understand why these songs had evaporated while I'm so proud of it, not that I'm desperate for commercial success, or even fortune, maybe they're even more valuable if not many people know them on stage, I never prepare a setlist. Song just calls another, like a memory that goes back to the surface. "

After playing with libertines, babyshambles and various ephemeral collaborators (Wolfman, littl'ans, Graham Coxon, the streets, dot allison ...), Peter Doherty surrounds himself today with a mixed and cosmopolitan group named The puta madres, after the favorite expression of their Spanish drummer Rafa Rueda. This troupe also includes a Welsh guitarist, 2 French, and the prodigious American violinist Miki Beavis. By crossing their fingers so that the brexit never materializes, they carry this album towards folk lands and relaxed atmospheres. This reflects the relaxing setting in which they have recorded :  in a family house on the heights of Etretat with a view overlooking the sea and wild cliffs for 4 days last summer. Far from the sloppy draft of Hamburg Demonstration, his last solo album in 2016, the songwriter has regained his superb and his voice on these touching ballads, in turn intense and patraques, imperfect and overwhelming. his season in hell seems behind him.

Change of scenery has obviously made him feel good. For 2 years Peter Doherty lives in Margate, a small town in Kent, by the sea : "lately, I spent a lot of time alone with my 2 dogs, a husky and a malamute, they need freedom, open spaces and attention, so I walk them on the beach or on the beach. It’s a very peaceful place, Margate has a special water, a special light, people like Keats, TS Eliot, Stephen Spender, Coleridge and Dickens lived in the area. Albion Rooms, the Libertines studio-hotel, Carl even has a license to sell liquor, so we have a bar in the basement, The Wasteland, we're going to put a scene for small local concerts, sessions It is still a small town, but it is booming, sometimes there is a strange smell that comes from the sea: the gentrification will never pass by! We have space to breathe calm and think about what you want to do is the last stop of several train lines, if you are in London, lost or broken aye, you jump on a train to get away from it all and find yourself in Margate. Terminus. You wake up with a start because someone shakes you saying, "Hey, you can not stay here, get off the train!" you leave the station that leads directly to the beach, and here you are in Margate. if we can see beyond its dangerous side and its gangs, chances are there will be a way out, loneliness, peace. "

It is there that the Libertines have planned to record their new album, still under construction, just like the hotel they want to open in the coming months. These vast projects, this serenity, have not, however, completely softened the rocker with the airs of a cursed poet, who continues to flirt with danger. We can not help but notice that people are constantly coming and going around and asked if it is a way for him to escape the routine. he takes the time to think before making an implacable and distressing statement : "I would love to have a boring, predictable routine that would make me work all the time with the same people I love and respect, but People are disappearing from my life: I think they need to protect themselves, I have no structure, no discipline, many people with whom I have collaborated, like Carl or Graham, need to relate to landmarks and protect themselves from self-destruction, they do not want to risk falling into the precipice. "

His palpable passion for music obsesses him. on his new album, he pays a vivid tribute to two of his heroes on Someone else to be, taking up passages from Velvet Underground's Ride into the Sun and Oasis's Do not look back in anger. In full interview, he sings us the beginning of a piece that haunts him at the moment, Signed D.C de Love, that he will play at La Maroquinerie three weeks later. When asked how he discovered the power of music, he responds that the click occurred when he heard Smiths' I started something I could not finish, and immediately he played a good half of the music. The song in decorticating why each verse resonated so well in him : "all I want is to write a song that touches people, which makes them exclaim: 'but what is it? ? how dare you?' I try to find a way to express who I am and what I feel, what I look for in music is to find myself there.” A powerful impact but a shaky beauty, this new album reflects wonderfully its author, both fragile and indestructible.

[wildlingknight]

So like I wrote this stuff down around September 2017 with the intention to write a fic about it (I might still do that when I have more time) but it’s just sitting and festering in my drive so I’ll put it here for now and build on it when uni is done. It’s a super long post but I did put a cut in.

There’s a whole bunch of mind vomit stuff here:

 I was talking to my discord group about things that could have been added to Botw because I’d gotten to a point in the game when I’d done mostly everything and was just putting off facing Ganon because I didn’t want it to end. So I came up with gods and spirits that you might meet in random places and sometimes they have quests for you or something. Taken directly from the server:

“This isn't really a hc more a random idea but what if there were time specific places on the map in botw? Like I just found  place on the side of death mountain called shadow hamlet ruins, what if you go there and it's just some ruined houses with a meteor wizzrobe in any other time but on the night of a new moon there's like creepy shadows that kinda come out of the wood work and shadows of the ruins and they don't exactly attack you but make you super uneasy and circle you a bit and it's like the people who lived and died there as a result of the calamity, like we know it corrupts the living but what if it doesn't let the dead rest either?

Like there are places all over hyrule that are just places until you visit them on a specific night or day or when certain parameters are met and you have a unique little event happen like a person you wouldn't meet any other time with items you can only get from them or maybe the dragons rest somewhere and you can just stumble across them, or more spirits and godlike beings who you wouldn't come across any other time apart from this one random spit of woodland halfway up the dueling peaks on a night where it's raining you come across an ethereal glowing woman or something who watches over the plants and mushrooms like glow like her, and you can't really interact with them because we are insignificant to them, they are so indifferent to us with our mortal comings and goings that the most we can hope for is a glimpse of them, just to make the world feel even more alive than it already does

I think Link is more aware of them because he is goddess chosen, goddess touched, and he's a gentle and pure soul who they in turn are drawn to, I like that he has a connection to them through having being dead but I personally like to think they're a bit afraid of him, he was brought back through science like magic without the godesses interference or hands, that shouldn't happen he died and by all means should have stayed dead but here he is, wandering hyrule saving people and dragons and riding gods across plains and placating giant mechanical creatures that will only listen to him, in their eyes he's a fucking monster or demon

And they know you don't piss off a demon who denied death so they're cautious but curious in equal measure”

And then neatened up and made less mind vomity:

Ruins

On specific nights- different for each ruin- the ghosts of the people who lived and died there during the calamity come out on the night they were wiped out. Different for each place depending on how close they were to castle and what the actual cause was, e.g. castle town would have been hit first and hardest by the Calamity itself so that would get spooky on the night of Zelda’s birthday every year. If they are fairly far away from the castle e.g. Shadow Hamlet ruins on the far side of Death Mountain, it would be a different night and they would feel different due to the nature of their deaths, such as being wiped out by monsters fuelled and powered by the Calamity. They don’t attack but most travellers accidentally come across them and fear for their lives saying ruins are haunted at night so they try to avoid them, preferring to go to living villages or taking their chances with monsters out on the roads or in the woods. When Link (and later Zelda) enter the ruins on the specific night they act up the spirits hiss and circle him and lament their passing in groans and wails but they do not come close because he is light and they cannot touch him. He died for them and Zelda cried for them, they are Goddess chosen and Goddess touched.

Lesser Gods and Spirits

Found all over Hyrule, again during different specific times when certain parameters are met.

A lesser Goddess who watches over plants and mushrooms that glow with the same ethereal light as her- can only be found where they grow in abundance, like the pillar in Kakariko on a rainy night during a new moon, and also conversing with Cotera the great fairy there.

A giant stag with two faces who watches over the life and death of animals, seen all over Hyrule as long as there’s a moon showing, so not on cloudy nights. Eyes like miniature galaxies and coat the colour of moss, fur appears to be made of grass and hooves of wood and several times the amount of antlers normal deer have that are white like bleached bone and strung with what looks to be pearls.

A woman with long black hair, horns like a Lynels and the face of a wolf who’s snout ends turned up like a Moblin’s, with three eyes that constantly glow like the reflection of a cats at night and who’s mouth doesn’t move when she speaks in a growl and smoke and sparks emits from her open mouth over her lolling black tongue- the Mother of Monsters and she hates Link.She doesn’t attack him when he meets her but she is unkind to him and she growls and snarls at him, threatening to curse him and his children’s children for as many of hers he has killed. Found in Akkala in Rok woods and Tempest Gulch most commonly but also occasionally other places, can take the form of a monstrous wolf when the need to escape arises.

A child made of water that swims with the fish, watches over everything that lives and breathes in water. The Zora refer to them as ‘The Child of Nayru’, and offer to them to keep the fish they eat good and plentiful. Seen by Link on the banks of the Rutala river when he stops for a drink after tackling the Rucco Maag shrine. Ripples like water constantly so it’s difficult to pin down specific features or gender, and voice is almost gurgling sounding

A giant scarab beetle, white and iridescent, often seen in the desert around Dragon’s exile and known to Tera, the great fairy at the Gerudo Great Skeleton, the god of all insects. (There’s a joke going round Hyrule that Beedle is the god of all insects.)

The spirits that are just going about their work are cautious but curious about Link. Usually they are indifferent to mortals, their everyday motions and wants insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The Calamity was a tragedy, but nature still goes on so they can’t afford to abandon their work.

Link and Zelda

The Gods are frightened of them. Link died and should be subject to the laws of all living things but here he stands, blemished but alive, and yet it was not the Goddesses who chose this, it was without their aid, a magic forged by man. Instead he wanders, alive and well, helping who he can, man and spirit alike, Dragons take notice of him, Gods allow his burden upon their backs, abominable machines who listen to only him, at his command. And Zelda isn’t dead either, they should be dead, they had their time, had their chance. They carry too much light within them it hurts the spirit’s and god’s eyes to look upon them.

Once while I was playing with my friend we were talking about the koroks and I came up with a hc on how they’re born I guess:

“Maybe they're branches that fall off the deku tree when they start to rot because hes old as balls so I bet he loses branches like old men lose hair and then because of like forest magical bullshit they become the new children of the forest and they grow up to be like Hestu and it takes thousands of years for them to reach like 'maturity' but when it's time for the deku tree to die one of the korok will take his place but all those who grow to maturity before he dies go out into the lost woods and set up root and become the ogre trees”

And then because I like to hurt them while they’re all sleeping:

“I'll just leave this here for when y'all wake up, what if the reason Wild likes to eat so much is because he is trying to fill the void of loneliness left behind after his friends in the army start treating him differently after he becomes the chosen one and because of Zelda's initial dislike of him then after he wakes up from the shrine of resurrection he doesn't know why he's so hungry all the time until after he starts remembering zelda and then realises he's doing the same thing, trying to fill the void left in him after losing everyone he loved and half his memories and having to wait until he's strong enough to see Zelda again”

Enjoy!

[quantumrpg]

NAME: Jake Ryleigh AGE: 33 SPECIES: Werewolf OCCUPATION: Tattoo Artist YEAR OF DEPARTURE: late 2011 RESIDENT FOR… six years FACECLAIM: Bob Morley

t i m e  i s  a n  i l l u s i o n,  b u t  n o t  o u r  s t o r i e s…

TW: Drug Abuse, Alcoholism, Death, Domestic Abuse, Assault, Racism

When people hear Ely, Minnesota not much comes to mind. Born and raised in small town, USA, population less than 4,000, Jake grew up surrounded by what he fondly refers to as the lower working class. For every family resting comfortably in the working class, there were those that barely managed to scrape by. Small towns aren’t exactly booming with opportunity. Especially, for two high school graduates.

Jake was born to two teenage parents. His mother belonged to a religious, white, middle class family. His father was an immigrant working alongside his brother for a contractor in town with nothing to his name save for work ethic. Needless to say, his grandparents were not pleased with the elopement so Jake has few memories of them from before the age of seven. They were there for no birthdays and holidays; they weren’t even at the hospital when his little sister was born. It wasn’t until his father passed away, victim of a heart attack caused by an undiagnosed health condition, that they surfaced. Jake was seven at the time and from there things quickly swan dived.

His mother struggled to find work without job experience and the small family drowned under the funeral expenses. Although she had to bite her pride, Jake’s mother agreed to live with his grandparents. This arrangement was supposed to last until she got the family on their feet, but his mother took the first out she could find. It came in the form of a toxic relationship, which scars went beyond her to Jake. His sister was too young to remember everything, and that was the only good part of that time period.

By the time Jake was nine years old, his mother managed to get enough footing that they moved into a modest neighborhood. He wound up making his first real friend after the move with a boy that lived close by. His name was Lee Randazzo and the two became an inseparable pair. So much so that they decided to start a band at the age of fourteen. Things were fine enough. He was no stranger to childhood bullying. Kids didn’t understand why his clothes didn’t fit right and why he never had much until they were older, but by then it hadn’t mattered because his mother remarried. Two incomes instead of one made things easier, and Jake already learned that the best way to get by was to laugh first. Even if it was at himself, and having Lee around made it better.

At the age of fourteen, Lee and Jake decided to start a band on a whim. Lee, as discovered by their choir teacher, could actually sing. Jake liked the bass that Lee’s dad kept in the basement. They met Ken, their first drummer, after school. He was a jazz band kid, but he wanted more, and they needed a drummer. Keith came a few months later; then, Jeremy a year later. Lee found them and that was how they built the band. Over the next three years, each of them got a little better at being a band. They started playing locally after school despite their parent’s complaints, and they practiced in Lee’s basement whenever they had the time.

By the time senior year rolled around, Lee, Jake, Jeremy, and Keith were ready to commit to the band 100 percent. Ken was not. Ken wanted college, so he left, and they came to a fork in a road. Luckily for them, Aaron found them and unlike Ken he wanted the band just as much as they did. With Aaron on board, they were able to find the right and venues and Oliver Fink, agent for Hollywood Records, found them.

At nineteen, Jake and the rest of the band moved from Detroit to sunny LA. They all fit it with ease. They were on top of the world, and it stayed that way for five years. Five years and four records was a lot. If they weren’t in the studio they were on stage. Jake loved it. He loved traveling and meeting new people, one of his first serious relationships happened during this time with a girl named Kat. He was living a life he never expected, chasing after a dream and living comfortably alongside his friends.

Lee started to crumble and his drinking and self medicating hit its peak during their second tour. Jake and Aaron begged for Lee to go to rehab. They insisted that putting the band on hold would be worth it if he could get clean. The band wouldn’t keep afloat if they kept cancelling shows and missing rehearsals. Lee insisted he was fine, and for a few months thing seemed that way.

In 2009, their fourth album was in production when Lee went out for the night. Jake planned on going with him to a mutual friends house, but when he got stuck in traffic Lee told him to meet him there. He was only a hour and a half late when he got to their friends house and saw the ambulances surrounding it. Dead on scene, is what the paramedics said. Accidental overdose was the official report on the autopsy. According to their friend, Lee was already at their house when Jake called. There was nothing he could have done, but Jake wasn’t so sure.

In the months after Lee’s death, Jake and the rest of the band tried to get back on their feet. They looked for a new main vocalist, but nothing ever worked. By the time their fourth album released, they knew it would be the last. The band went their separate ways within a month of the album’s release, and Jake? Jake was beginning to crumble under the same demons that took his best friend, and he could see the dead end from a mile away. He made the decision to move from LA to New York on a whim. It was a last ditch attempt to save himself before he was completely lost.

Within his first few months of living in New York, Jake ran into Kat again and the two started dating after a few months of hooking up. Things were going well. As someone that was always more artistically inclined and a fan of tattoos, Jake decided to leave the music scene in lieu of becoming a tattoo artist. His first year as an apprentice was a challenge, but rewarding. He and Kat were supportive of one another’s goals and happy, but things started to go south during the fall of 2011. They started to fight more, and Jake struggled to find the reason why. It wasn’t until he came home one night and saw Kat using in their bathroom that he put two and two together.

If things were different, if there was no Lee, and if Jake hadn’t found himself in a similar place, he would have stayed in the apartment that night and talked things out. Unfortunately, things weren’t like that for Jake and he walked out. He intended to to go to his best friend’s house and return in the morning. Jake was halfway to Silas’s house when his friend convinced him to turn around and go home. Jake made a call to Kat that night to apologize and to say he was coming home. That never happened, though. Instead, he slipped into the liminal space.

What he found was another family in his apartment and no sign of anyone he knew. He had nothing except for what was on his person. While he could look at his friends and family online, it was a one way mirror and no one could see or hear him. Jake began to crumble on his own. This time, there was nowhere and no one to run to in order to save himself. He quickly crumbled to his demons and was fully prepared to let them eat away what was left of himself.

Despite his best intentions, Jake wound up meeting people during his first year in the liminal space. One of them was a girl named Ophelia. Ophelia was fun at first. A nice distraction from the loneliness and anger he felt at not being able to return home. Ophelia was not content with being nothing more than a fling, and she disliked watching Jake spiral so she took matters into her own hands. She bit him. She gave him no choice but to live.

Alone and afraid, Jake spent the first few weeks after being bitten avoiding her at every corner. He met a dormant werewolf and her boyfriend during this time and the two managed to keep him together long enough for the first full moon after Ophelia’s attack. It wasn’t until days before the first shift that Jake realized that he didn’t have much of a choice: he was going to have to live a sober life. It was either that or waste all of his money trying to fight against a body that needed more of everything to feel high.

It’s been six years since he slipped and at times Jake feels the same as he did during the first week. He feels alone and aimless in a place that is real, but not by the standards he used to understand. On other days, he feels almost human. He has a job, and a place to sleep. He’s more in control of himself and his werewolfism with every year, and he has even found himself coping with music and work. There a few people he would consider friends, too. It’s not the same, but it’s fine. Yet, that’s the problem. It’s fine. Every now and then, he revisits his friends and family online. It’s a bittersweet comfort to see that they have moved on, and on some days he’s better at moving on, too.

t e l l  m e, a r e  w e  a  p r o d u c t  o f  w h o  w e  u s e d  t o  b e?

Jake’s a complicated mishmash of a person. On one hand he appears to be a very laidback person in the sense that people can rarely make him mad. Annoyed? Sure. But Jake’s the type to be annoying right back and he does it with the biggest grin. Most people find this infuriating. Jake doesn’t really care. He’s the type of person that goes over like a fart in church for some people. He’s too loud, too talkative, and for some people, too unfocused, for them to take seriously. Despite this being a core of Jake’s personality, it has always functioned as a barrier of sorts. As a kid, it was all armor against anyone trying to pick on him. As an adult, it’s a ruse that makes people feel close to him without actually being close to him. It’s hard to notice that a person is actually distant when they always seem at ease and happy with company. Underneath the ruse, Jake swirls with turbulent emotions and regrets. He’s been hollowed out with loneliness and self hatred. He has always put blame on himself for the things that have happened in his life, and slipping into the liminal space was no different. In order to keep himself afloat underneath the weight of his self loathing he tends to run away. Whether it be by changing his own setting or through humor, Jake’s usual response to his own negative emotions is to distance himself. He’ll go from being lighthearted to numb and blank when he’s alone in his room if he’s reminded of the past. In spite of this, Jake is stubborn and intensely loyal when it comes to other people. It is both a blessing and a curse as he tends to make lasting friends with those he becomes close to, but fails to let go easily, even if it is at his own expense.