Text
in between. (drabble series)
chapter three (words.)
prince!sans x gender neutral reader. 3k+ word count.
please be advised for themes of anxiety, panic attacks, self-doubt, some light cursing and sadness.
* the third chapter of the series, this time focusing on our dear underswap sans, prince! he has no official fic as of yet but has his own tag here on my tumblr that you can check out if you wish to learn more about him! thank you all very much and i hope you enjoy!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt me.
....
Bullshit.
...Whoever came up with that stupid rhyme must've never heard a cruel word spoken to them in their life!
...
...Or maybe they were trying to sell themselves the world's biggest lie...
....Because... words.. hurt.
They snapped.
They stung.
They burned.
They engraved themselves upon his bones as permanent reminder of his worth.
"Coward."
"Freak!"
"Idiot."
"Weirdo."
They sloshed and swirled inside his skull, drowning him in the waves of their meaning, pulling him down further and further with their weight like an anchor tied to his legs. They sang like a horrid symphony that refused to let him rest, violins screeching their painful notes while the drums bellowed out their laughter at him.
It was so loud.
So loud.
So.. damn.. loud...!
He..!
Couldn't think.
He couldn't breathe, he was...!
....
...Shaking.
He could hear his bones rattling as an accompaniment to the symphony of word in his head, his eyelights refusing to focus and the world practically became a blur around him. Every single thing was fading from his sight. The colors, the shapes, all of it falling away as the sounds sang louder and louder, drowning everything else out. The air felt putrid with every breath he tried to take in, making him want to gag on the horrid taste of it all.
"...ns.."
..Why..
Why did he think he could do this..!
After... what they said to him..!
After everything they.. they..!
..No...
No..!
He was..!
"......ans..!"
His teeth were chattering.
Clicking.
Tapping.
Adding to the unending concert of syllables as they picked up their pace and momentum. They were hitting their high point, the music of words becoming louder.. and faster and..!
His soul was pounding so painfully too, he feared it might just burst from his ribcage.
"sans!"
Panic.
He was panicking and.. and..!
He needed to..!
...
..Papyrus..
...
He could barely make out his brother's features anymore, his name becoming lost to the noises eating him alive.
What was he saying...?
'breathe.'
No.. he.. he couldn't..
He was choking.
Coughing.
Sputtering.
The air was refusing to enter his body anymore no matter how hard he tried.
The air was just too..!
He.. he couldn't..!
His magic was buzzing as it couldn't ventilate properly, straining and pulling against him, making his head spin further out of control.
He..
He couldn't do this.
He.. wasn't.. strong enough..
"You're.. not the person I once knew."
The words they were..
They were going to.. swallow him whole.
"Look at what you've become!"
"What's happened to you, Sans?"
He doesn't know.
He doesn't know!
He doesn't-!
"You're nothing but a shadow of yourself now."
No-! He's-!
He's still here!
He's still himself!
He's just-!
Just...!
"W-w-why di-did you... b-become l-like...this..?"
How the hell was he suppose to know!!
"...How.. disappointing.."
The words were..
Breaking him.
It hurt.
It hurt.
It hurt!
It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt! It hurt!
"sans!"
No.. please..
..Not him too.
Please.. he..
Couldn't take it anymore.
It was too loud it..!
It hurt too much.. he... he had to get away!
He had to get away..!
From this!
From them!
From those people he thought were...!
Just... get away...!
GET AWAY FROM HIM!
GET AWAY!
GET AWAY!
GET AWAY!
.....
And so he ran.
....
Or... he tried, until his brother caught his arm.
"sans! wait, please-!"
But he snatched his arms back, not wanting to hear anything anymore.
He just couldn't...
..Take anymore words...
.....
So he fled...
Out of the room.
Down the hall.
And away from those people...
....
His shoes were stomping against the floor as the tears filled his eyesockets, making the once blurry world a complete mess of runny colors and odd shapes.
How stupid was he... to believe he was strong enough to face them.
After everything they went through.
After everything they said-!
..He was..
....
He was still a coward.
....
And so he fled, like cowards do, every bone in his body screaming at him to just keep going far, far away from the source of those painful word.
From the people who.. he thought he trusted, a long time ago.
Who he thought would understand, but in the end they...
....
..Mocked him..
"The sky?"
He still remembers the disbelief on their features.
"Wait.. seriously? That's why you've been hiding inside? You're scared of the sky?"
...Yes...
"Sans it can't hurt you. Everything fine."
...He.. knows that...
"Then why?"
He.. doesn't know....
"I can't believe this!"
He.. can't either..
..What was...
...What was wrong with him?
"You're nothing like the skeleton I knew before."
..No.. he' still..
...Here..
"What happened to him?"
He doesn't know..!
Stop.. talking to him like he's someone else..!
He's right here!
He's still right here!
Why are they...?
"What happened to the 'Wonderful' and 'Magnificent' Sans?"
HE DOESN'T KNOW!
.....
...He just... doesn't... know anymore.
....
..Just like now, he didn't know where he was running to.
He didn't have much of a destination in mind, just that he had to go.
He just wanted to get.. away..
"ˢᵃⁿˢ!"
Just get away...
Away from this.
From the pain.
From the looks on their damned faces as they spoke those hurtful words that tore his mind and soul apart piece by piece.
They treated him like he wasn't aware of what he's become!
As if he didn't wish with every damn fiber of magic in his body that he wasn't like this!
A coward!
A disappointment!
An idiot who's so afraid of the open world around him that he couldn't even step outside anymore!
He-!
He wanted to go back.
He wanted to go back...! He wanted to go back!
He wanted to go back to who he was, before all of this but..!
....
The person he once was... was gone...
..He vanished into thin air the moment he took one look up at that sky on that fateful day..
...And the terror he felt had almost swallowed him whole....
..Or maybe it did.. and all that was left was a husk of a skeleton who use to have more confidence than he knew what to do with.
Now the simplest of words could.. break him.
And that.. was the hardest thing of all to accept.
....That somewhere along the way he had..
...
...changed.
And so.. like a coward he ran, wanting to hide somewhere no one would find him so he could lay there for all of eternity without a single thought in his head until he dusted. He was tired of this. He was tired of feeling this way! He was tired of them and these walls and that damned sky that struck fear into his bones every time he looked at it.
Why..?
Why..!?
Why couldn't he be.. him?!
Where did he go?
When did he lose himself..?
Who...
..Who was he...?
The quiet hallways threatened to split his head open as his thoughts poured all over the place, causing his soul to spasm and spiral out of control while he desperately tried to breathe in, but the air still refused to enter his lungs.
He needed something..!
Something to replace the noise..!
All of his hiding spots were inside and if he stewed in his thoughts much longer he really was going to come undone!
He just needed.. something...
Anything..!
Make it stop.
Make it stop!
MAKE IT STOP!
Woosh.
....
He drew in a heavy breath, all at once the scent of rain hitting his nasal bone and the sounds of water hitting the roof, disrupting the symphony.
Softly.
Gently.
Then harder, tapping and thundering against the roof as it...
Washed away the words inside is head.
....
...But they were still singing.
Even the sounds weren't enough.. he...
Glanced further down the hall, to a set of doors that led...
..Outside...
...
...
He swallowed, desperately chasing the harmony that made all the words fade away and taking a few careful steps towards it...
"ˢᵃⁿˢ!"
.....
Before running off.
....
..Right through the doors, throwing them open with what strength he had left and letting them close behind him as he bolted out into the rain.
It splattered and splashed against the tile, filling his head with nothing but their sounds as the droplets tapped against his empty skull. That tight burst of energy was fading from his chest, gradually falling further and further away as the fatigue set into his bones and he slowed down.
He finally come to a stop in the middle of the garden.
Gasping and heaving, he finally managed to take in some fresh air that filled his body with its cold embrace and overwhelmed his humming soul with relief. The rattling of his bones ceased... and soon he gained control over his breaths, willing his legs to take just a few more tiny strides further out to where no one could find him.
Out, past the normal confines of the garden and into some rose bushes...
...
He was.. exhausted..
Glancing around, the normally pink flowers scattered along the bushes were diluted by the cloudy skies above and harsh rain that thundered all around them. His shirt now stuck to his bones, sending a chill down his spine and making him feel heavy but.. he didn't care.
The symphony had silenced.. leaving him..
..Empty...
...and alone.
....
..Eventually it was all to much as his legs gave out, sitting down to the muddy ground and placing his skull on his knees as the world continued to rain down on him.
And it poured.
And it poured.
And it poured.
All alone in the garden, without a single thought in his head, Sans suffered.
The pain of it all marched on in his bones, gripping and grinding, threatening to break him apart bit by bit.
It hurt so badly and yet..
Yet there were no sticks, and no stones.
Just words.. and the marks they had left on his soul.
And it hurt.
And it hurt.
And it hurt.
And he was sure he would finally just break...
And his soul would finally give in..
And he'd come undone at the seams.
And...
It.. stopped.....?
He could still hear the sounds of the rain all around him, crashing and thundering upon the bushes and muddy grass, but it stopped tapping against his skull and instead began hitting something... else.
An umbrella..?
Sans picked his head slowly, still having so little energy after his fit of panic and looked up.
You smiled at him sweetly as you stood beside him, holding up an umbrella above as the world continuing its downpour.
..Ah...
...You..
....sat down.. right beside him in the mud, sheltering the both of you under the clear plastic umbrella as you glancing up at the clouded sky with a small look of peace on your features.
..Not a single word uttered from your lips.
..Instead you sat by him..
And even in the dull and grey world around you both..
He swore he could see your eyes shine.
He.. didn't know what to say.
The words just didn't come.
Normally his whole head would be buzzing of things to blurt when you were around, but they were all washed away with the rain.
...
..But maybe he didn't need to say.. anything.
At least not right now..
So slowly he let go of the tension in his chest, relaxing his shoulders and taking a few deep breaths as his eyelights also hesitantly traveled to the sky above. That once endless blue abyss was now covered under a patchwork of gray clouds making that ceaseless void just.. disappear.
In a way he almost felt like he was back underneath the mountain again and.. a strange form of peace also found its way to his soul.
...As did the tears.
Quietly they gathered, because even when the words weren't present in his mind.. his body still ached from the pain that they had caused. Somehow it even felt worse than any sticks, stones or even broken bones. Nobody could believe how much he was hurting because there were no physical wounds, just the throb left in his soul from their brutality. They ached in a way that couldn't be healed by magic... in a way that couldn't be explained or cured..
It's clear that they had.. no idea what they were doing to him anymore.
How badly their words had hurt him, because he tried to hide it all under fake smiles.
He wasn't.. unbreakable anymore.
Somewhere along the way.. he had become so fragile...
And yet they still stacked all of their expectations on top of him.
...Then they mocked him when he just couldn't keep up...
....
He..
...blinked once, catching something on his peripheral vision and glancing towards you again.
Carefully you held out a handkerchief to him.
....That was..
The same one he gave you... those few months ago, when those delicate tears had been falling from your eyes.
....
"...I..." he began softly, tearing away his gaze for a moment as a wave of embarrassment washed over him at his current state.
He was a complete mess with his shirt coming undone, soaked to the bone and his eyesockets brimming with tears.
"..THANK YOU.."
All this time he had built himself up to you as a perfect prince.
He was so desperate for you to.. see him as that....
Kind, strong, charming.. and most of all brave.
..And.. now he's tarnished all that hard work by running and crying in the rose bushes like a coward. Still, he tried to gather what remained of that broken image and took the handkerchief from your hands, wiping away his eyesockets.
Heh...
He really was pathetic wasn't he..?
And.. a liar.
....And you..
Must surely hate him now.
"...FORGIVE ME, MY DEAR.. I JUST.."
The words left again as the rain stole them all away with their pitter and pattering...
"It's okay," you said softly gifting him that gentle smile of yours again. "There's no need to apologize or explain yourself to me."
..Why..?
Everyone else practically demanded an explanation out of him.
Why was he like this?
Why did he lock himself up inside?
...Surely you wanted to know too right?
So, why were you..?
You didn't say anything else..
And neither did he.
So the two of you sat quietly in the middle of the rose bushes as the world poured out it's tears all around you for what felt like a small eternity.
Until he stood up suddenly and pocketed that handkerchief.
"..Sans..?"
He smiled at you rather sadly, but offered his hand. You clearly look up at him a little confused and a bit worried, but didn't hesitate to take it as he helped you stand up as well. The both of you were coated in mud now and the refreshing rain began tapping on his skull once again.
"..Did you want to go back..?"
"...NO," he said softly, taking a moment to admire then gentleness in your expression. "BUT STRANGELY I DON'T FEEL MUCH LIKE SITTING IN THE MUD AND CRYING ANYMORE EITHER.. SO.."
The words threatened to leave again, but he shook his head and steeled his resolve.
"WOULD YOU DANCE WITH ME?"
..He couldn't help but love that surprised look on your face...
..But he loved it even more when you smiled at him, and without a single moment hesitation you threw the umbrella to the ground and let the rain begin to douse you too. He lightly took your hand in his, placing the other on the wonderful curve of your hip as you put your free hand on his shoulder. The two of you fell into an easy and comfortable rhythm, the same one the two of you always fell into when you danced, with nothing but the downpour to accompany you as you swayed.
Just like with the rain, you always brought such an easiness to his soul.
You were always so refreshing and calm, and with you it always seemed like his troubles were so far away. A part of him really believed he could just be himself around you..
..Perhaps that's why he's always so desperate to hide it all behind charming smiles and lavish words..
He didn't want to.. scare you away.
He didn't want you to look at him in that way everyone else did.
He wanted to keep you right here, with the rain dousing you both as your clothes stuck to your form, with wet hair and a sweet and gentle smile that was reserved just for him.
....
..He..
He wanted this to be the fairytale he always read about as a babybones...
With a truly happy ending...
And he really thought he had it now that he had you with him here...
No longer a friend just visiting, but... you now called his place your home.
And you gave him your love.
....
..But.. life keeps going.
And the past.. comes back to haunt you in the shapes of people who you once thought of as friends.
.....
....Would you..
...Become the same way.. one day..?
.....Was this happily ever after.. only temporary..?
He.. didn't want to let go..
He wanted to stay here, under the rain and lost in this fantasy...
..but he did, staring at the wonderful expression on your face as you took the hand from his shoulder and lightly placed it on his cheek. It was a touch so gentle and full of love, he couldn't help but lean in to it and let out a small breath.
"CAN YOU PROMISE ME SOMETHING, MY DEAR..?"
"..What is it..?"
He hesitated for a moment, watching as the droplets of rain gently glided down your face, dousing your hair and your clothes.
"...WOULD YOU..?"
..Again the words fell away.
He took in a struggling breath, trying to push them out but his fears kept them wound tightly inside his chest. He never wanted to be without you again. He never wanted to think of a day where he would wake up and you wouldn't be by his side. He couldn't stand the thought of you becoming... like them..
You were.. so good.. and.. he was...
"Sans."
...
..He never wanted a day again where you wouldn't say his name so tenderly...
....
You took your other hand from his and also placed it on his face.
"I promise, I'm not going anywhere."
....
"I'll always be right here for you."
.....
"Because there's no one else in the world I love quite as much as the skeleton here before me right now."
....
You loved.. him..
Not the person he was before.
...But him.. as he was now..
....
..And that's exactly why he could never let you go...
So instead he pulled you close, burying himself in the comfort of the crook of your neck and letting those quiet words of love soak into his bones..
Softly.
Gently.
Then harder, tapping and thundering against his soul as it...
Washed away the words inside is head.
...
..Only leaving him with thoughts of you.
...
And...
How he will do anything to desperately hold on to this..
...happily ever after...
#the music hit just right when i was editing this and hooo boy#did it make me kinda sad#i'm sorry my poor boy#prince!sans#sans#undertale#underswap#underswap sans#undertale fic#yandere sans#long post#fic#fanfiction#drabble#anxiety tw#panic attack tw#alch!writes#inbetween!fic
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Episode 17: Give Peas a Chance
Ben: I’m just saying, it’s a new year! Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about the same old subjects. Let’s take out a new lease on life…turn over a new leaf.
Doyle: And I’m just saying, Ben, that if there is a portal leading into my bathroom, and there is, then maybe more people should be aware, man.
Ben: I can’t…I can’t handle this. This is you, Sammy.
Ben: Not Ben! I mean, I am done! Nothing is happening in your house, Doyle!
Doyle: To be so open minded, you sure don’t want to expand your horizons and work with me here, Ben-Tin-Tin.
Ben: I usually only talk to people about real subjects, Doyle.
Doyle: Oh, it’s real. Real as can be. You’re just being a naysayer.
Ben: I’m not a naysayer.
Doyle: Oh-ho-ho, you’re naysaying for sure, bro.
Ben: I’m not a – Sammy, I can’t.
Sammy: Doyle, let’s get back to this portal or we’ll need to part ways for the evening.
Ben: Or forever.
Doyle: Alright, I feel you. So, I got this portal in my house, right. Craziest damn thing you ever saw.
Ben: And sometimes…late at night…
Doyle: You get it, boss man. So sometimes late at night, I wake up and gotta take a leaky-deaky, and it’s just sitting there in the bathroom door just a shimmerin and shiny. Looks like Willy Wonka just left a big fat golden ticket hangin in my door way.
Sammy: Uh-huh…
Doyle: Well. I only got one water closet, boys, and nature is a-callin. So, I pass through it and it’s all like SHHHEEERRROWOWOW –
Sammy: And *heavy sighs* Doyle, where does this portal transport you?
Doyle: That’s the thing… it takes me to my bathroom.
Ben: THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
Doyle: But it’s not my bathroom… it just looks like my bathroom.
Ben: Because IT’S YOUR BATHROOM.
Doyle: Na-hooo, things have changed, bros…
Sammy: What’s changed?
Ben: You mean, other than listeners changing the station, Sammy?
Doyle: I can feel your negativity, Ben, and it’s comin in way hot. Like a bagel-bite fresh out of hell’s toaster. You’re harshin me, Ben.
Sammy: What is different after stepping through, Doyle?
Doyle: It’s like I’m in an alternate universe, Shot-Gun. I do my biz and I go to wash my hands, right? And AHYAYAYAYEBAWB0W- HOT IS COLD, COLD IS HOT. It’s done freaky Friday switcharooed me.
Ben: Jesus… BYE, DOYLE.
Doyle: Everything is reversed until I step back through the portal, boys.
Sammy: Okay, you know, thanks for calling and sharing, but –
Doyle: Oh-ho-ho. You don’t believe me…
Ben: NO! I don’t believe you! I think you’re stoned and sleep walking.
Doyle: Yeah? And I think you’re naysaying. Ain’t ever gonna bag Emily Potter like that, bro.
Sammy: Have a nice night.
Doyle: Totes. *hangs up*
Ben: Bag Emily? *scoffs* What’s that even mean?
Sammy: Okay, moving forward…
Ben: Right! Moving forward! Uh, we got some good stuff coming at the 5 o’clock hour. Jeanie Sherman from the King Falls Doggy Daycare will be chiming in on how to get your pets out of their post-holiday funk.
Sammy: That’s a thing?
Ben: That is a thing… I guess.
Sammy: Alright. Depressed dogs at 5am! We’re with ya. What do we have on tab now?
Ben: Uh, well – I mean…I kind of scheduled us a free period. I wasn’t sure if we’d blow through the Christmas Break news and… we did.
Sammy: Well we can only talk about Ms. Baker failing to make the world’s largest ginger bread house so much…
Ben: I agree, but it’s not particularly her fault. Apparently, the Williams Boys went in and ate a lot of load baring beams, so it was bound to come down.
Sammy: *laughs* Okay, give us a call, Kings Falls. Tell us how your holiday went and how you’re gonna kick ass on that New Year’s resolution.
Ben: We’re open to just about anything, folks! 424-279-3858 or give a tweet on the ol’ twitter machine.
Sammy: Looks like we got a taker already. Line 7, welcome to Kings Falls AM with Sammy and Ben.
Troy: Hey, fellas.
Ben: WE’RE BUSY, Troy.
Troy: You know dang well I’m listening right now and you two are just dilly-dallying until Ms. Sherman.
Sammy: How’re doing this evening, Troy? Keeping the mean streets of King Falls safe this evening?
Troy: Actually, it’s an off night. I was hoping I could come swing by the station and give Ben a little somthin…
Ben: Still this? Just leave it at the door and go!
Sammy: Ben!
Ben: Sorry, say hi to Sammy…and leave it at the door and go.
Sammy: Troy, we would love to have you in the studio to hang out. How far out are you?
Troy: Couple minutes away, Sammy!
Ben: You were already driving up here?
Troy: Well, yeah…just in case. *weird squeaking animal noise in the background*
Ben: What’s that noise?
Troy: I don’t hear nary a thing, Ben. See ya soon, buddy. *hangs up*
Ben: In studio, Sammy?
Sammy: He’s bring you a present.
Ben: Like the present Storm tried to bring us?
Sammy: Let’s hope not…
Ben: Let’s just… go back to the phones before he gets here.
Sammy: Power through, buddy. Line 7 again, you are live in King Falls AM.
*knocking on door*
Ben: Jesus! Already?!
Sammy: I’m gonna grab the door, you grab the call.
Ben: I’m gonna make an executive decision and just move the break to here. Be back in a minute!
(Commercial starts with political-type music)
Narrator: In two weeks come join King Falls AM at the Main Street Park for a special presentation.
Grisham: Hi, I’m Mayor Steven Grisham, and it’s that joyous time once again, folks. Come join myself, the King Falls Chamber of Commerce, and all our wonderful residents in commemorating a very special day in King Falls history.
Narrator: You are cordially invited to join us in celebrating our wonderful town being voted The Best Small Town in America by the King Falls Chamber of Commerce for the 7th straight year.
Grisham: Come on down Friday, January 15 and help us kick off another amazing year in our lovely town. There will be live music, fun and games for the kids, that weird food truck, and a special announcement by yours truly.
Narrator: The festivities begin at noon with a special ribbon cutting ceremony hosted by Mayor Grisham and King Falls AM’s own Sammy Stevens and Ben Arnold.
Grisham: So, come join the biggest party of the year! And let us all hope big number 7 is our lucky number:
(Welcome Back to 660 theme plays)
Ben: I’m not opening it! I-I don’t care!
Sammy: Can you guys please adult a little better?
Troy: 10-4, Sammy.
Sammy: Did you hear that ad, Ben?
Ben: Hear it? I had to help edit it.
Sammy: How do we get roped into hosting that rigged get together with Mayor Grisham?!
Ben: I told you about that…
Sammy: You most defiantly did not tell me about that.
Ben: Oh, I absolutely did! Because I didn’t know how you were gonna feel about being on stage with the Mayor… and Merv emailed and said we had to? So I was worried about the wording and – DAMMIT. I didn’t send it…
Sammy: I don’t wanna do this. You know how I feel about the Mayor and that ridiculous voting –
Ben: Sammy! Can you please adult a little better?
Sammy: *under his breath* Dammit.
Troy: Oh, you’ll have a grand old time, Sammy! All the residents come out block party style. There’s some damn good food and some damn good fun.
Ben: Yeah, Sammy. Plus, if you hang out a bit Chet usually gets plastered and starts playing saxophone and hitting on the soccer moms.
Sammy: Oh, so it’s just regular Chet.
Ben: Yeah, but in a public setting.
Sammy: It sounds like the best fake party a town could throw -
(Lots of static and cutting out – picking up on another transmission)
Ben: *between static barely audible* Don’t be like that, Sammy.
Beauregard’s Worker: *on another signal cutting in through the static* Yeah, it’s almost ready.
Beauregard: *through static* I don’t care how hard it is! Just make it work!
Worker: I’m on it sir, but, uh, last time we pushed it to the limit, i-it knocked the whole town off the grid for weeks!
Beauregard: Don’t tell me what it did. Show me what it can do. Do you need help moving that? Celestia! Wake the yard boy and have him help Thompson and this gadget.
Thompson: It’s okay, we don’t wanna move it until it’s ready –
Beauregard: I will not have this eyesore in my east wing for another night! Either it’s ready or it’s moving.
Thompson: I – uh, I’m sorry! It’s j-just not ready. Between this and school starting back up, I’m doing all I can!
Beauregard: Do more! You’re amassing a small fortune and my patience is growing thin…
Pete: Hey, Mr. B… *yawns* What can I do ya for?
Beauregard: Don’t just stand there! You simpleton! Help Thompson move the signal transmogrifier into the –
Pete: Ohhhhh! Is that the thing that caused the Electrolocaust?
Ben: *cutting back into transmission* Okay just because he can sit in on us doesn’t mean I have to open his late Christmas present.
Sammy: Guys, please! Take a couple calls and maybe you’ll change your mind.
Ben: What is this stupid thing anyway? This is a ploy!
Troy: I left it in the car, Ben. I don’t think you should be opening it live on the air, anyway.
Ben: Oh, I don’t think I should open it up at all. But let me tell you, if I’m opening your dumb gift, it’s gonna be live!
Sammy: GUYS! More phone calls, less arguing.
Ben & Troy: Sorry.
Sammy: Line 11 welcome to King Falls AM with Sammy, Ben, and special guest… Deputy Troy.
Troy: That’s off duty Deputy Troy tonight.
Caller: Hey,Shot-Gun!
Sammy: Hey…you…
Caller: Don’t wanna take up a slew of your time, Shot-Gun, but I think you guys just had your frequency hijacked or something.
Ben: What do you mean, sir?
Caller: Pirates! I was listening and then it just cut into something else!
Sammy: The commercial, you mean?
Caller: Don’t be silly! I know a paid advertisement when I hear one, Shot-Gun!
Ben: What was it? Music? What’d it sound like?
Sammy: Are you sure you’re tuned in properly?
Caller: Ha! And yes! It was just science-y sounds... just trying to do a service to my favorite AM station in the whole wide world! Haha! And I did!
Sammy: Uh-huh…okay, buddy, well thanks for letting us know.
Caller: Anything for the show, Shot-Gun!
Ben: Dude are you still –
Caller: Shot-Guuuuuuuuuun (makes noise like a car engine) Shammy! *hangs up*
Troy: I like that guy.
Ben: You would…
Sammy: Lucky Line number 1.
Ben: You’re live on King Falls AM with Sammy and Ben. Nobody else.
Caller: Boys I’m lost as can be. Like a grown man at a Miley Cyrus concert. Lost, I tell ya.
Ben: I guess we can try to help. Where you at?
Sammy: It’s Sweetser Forrest, I just know it!
Caller: I was headin up to my mama’s old place. I used to live up here in King Falls, but I’ll be damned if Abaline didn’t get me.
Ben: Hey! Good job, Sammy!
Troy: Who’s this we’re speakin to? You sound awfully familiar, friend.
Caller: Well hell yeah I sound familiar, Troy! You might know me back from my number 1 smash hit in 2003 “She Ain’t Worth the Car She Drove Away In”
Ben: NO WAY!!!!!
Troy: I am not believing this.
Ben: Dusty Reynolds?!
Dusty: As the census says, the one and only! How you fellas, doin?
Ben: Better now, man!
Sammy: I’m sorry. Who’s this we’re excited about?
Ben: This guy is a bonafide King Falls LEGEND.
Dusty: Legend might be a little high, heh, but I’ll take it.
Troy: Ol’ Dusty here left King Falls right after graduation and went off and became a big star.
Sammy: A big star?
Dusty: Now, now… I wouldn’t go that far, but you two go right ahead…
Ben: He was number 1 on the music charts, Sammy! AND he’s a hometown boy!
Sammy: Well that’s something! What kind of song was it? Where did it chart?
Dusty: The only two that do count: country and western.
Sammy: Oh! Okay…
Ben: Sing us a lil somethin’ Dusty!
Dusty: Well, I don’t think I should, but… ahem. ♪Well I know you loved him, back when he was a girl ♪
Troy: Oh, damn, he’s still got it!
Sammy: *softly* Is… is this real life? Are-are you guys messing with me?
Ben: What’re you doing driving back to The Falls is the middle of the damn night, man?
Dusty: I gave up the biz, Ben. Just cold turkey.
Troy: Shucks…
Dusty: I just lost sight of what made it special. Figured I’d come back home and try to find that spark again. Plus, Mayor Grisham hired me to sing a song at this thing in a couple weeks. No better time to start over than now.
Ben: You’ll be right back at the top in now time, buddy!
Dusty: You better believe it! I was just too happy… good kids, great house, wife as hot as road tar! I guess I needed to lose it all just so I could find my roots.
Troy: You sayin you and Gloria broke up? I ain’t seen a relationship change or status update or nothin.
Dusty: Oh, it’s all over the TMZ. I was out doing the country fair circuit and she was havin Javier our pool boy scrub way more than the jacuzzi… She took it all. My heart, my soul, even my dignity. Whitney Houston don’t know (censored)!
Ben: S-sorry to hear that…
Dusty: Well, you win some, you lose some. Dammit, that’s what I’m talking about! I need the sadness, hombre. I gotta get the blues back to go with my god-given rhythm.
Sammy: Well, welcome back home, sir. Wish it were under better circumstances.
Dusty: Thanks a lot, Dimond Dave.
Sammy: Actually, this is Sammy Stevens…
Troy: Give us a little encore before you go, Dusty.
Dusty: Come on, Troy! You know I shouldn’t! Ahem… ♪Hey there, spooky ghost, you better let me go! Hey there, spooky ghost, you’re see through ass is too slow! ♪
Ben: Never gets old! Talk to ya later, Dusty.
Troy: Later, buddy! We’ll hook it up once you get back and get settled.
Dusty: But- I really did need some help! *call disconnects*
Ben: Wow! Can’t believe that S-O-B is coming back home!
Sammy: *dryly* He sounds like a laugh a minute.
Troy: We had some good times back in the day… didn’t we, Ben?
Ben: Don’t use Dusty’s goodwill to wedge back into my life, Troy.
Troy: You know what, I’m real tired of goin round and round with you. Here’s the thick and thin of it: Imma give that present and if you don’t like it we don’t ever have to speak again.
Ben: You promise?!
Sammy: Guys… that’s an awful big promise to keep. Let’s all just calm down…
Troy: I mean it! Forrealsies! If you hate this thing, which I got outta the kindness of my heart, then we couldn’t stand to be pals anyway.
Ben: You just signed a check that you aren’t prepared to cash, Troy.
Troy: You just signed a check…well… I ain’t just gonna copy you, but… you messed up, future bud. BRB
(Sounds of Troy getting up and leaving)
Ben: Even if I love this thing I’m gonna –
Sammy: While I don’t agree you two should be putting your entire future on the line based on a belated Christmas gift… you should at least play fair.
Ben: Oh, I will. I’m just sayin… even if it’s good…
(Sounds of Troy coming back. Weird animal noises start up again)
Troy: Now, look, I got the box. But…I just don’t think you should do this live on the air.
Ben: Oh, it’s happening live! I want the entire town to hear the disappointment.
(animal noises getting louder)
Sammy: Is that thing supposed to be making that racket?
Troy: Google says it does. (animal continues) Here it is, Ben.
Ben: You serious? You’re not even gonna say “Merry Christmas”?
Troy: I ain’t squeezing out another syllable until you open that box.
Ben: It’s shaking, man. It’s shaking and making noises. I’m a little worried.
Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, Ben has stepped away from his mic and is laying the box on the table.
Troy: Oh, I gotta get a picture of this!
Sammy: And now Troy is leaving his microphone and going around to Ben. Hey! Hey, don’t push him, Ben! Sorry. Ben’s opening the box now. If this was morning radio I’d hit the Brad Pitt “WHAT’S IN THE BOX?” button right now…
(animal noise stops)
Ben: NO (censored) WAY! (animal yips happily)
Troy: I told you! Didn’t I tell ya? Didn’t I tell him, Sammy?!
Sammy: Okay, for real, what’s in the box?
Ben: Troy… I…can’t believe it.
Troy: You folks listening at home can’t see, but I’m doing my best buddy two-step.
Sammy: Come on! What is it?!
Ben: I’m just…in shock.
Troy: Are we buddies?
Sammy: This is worse than the briefcase in Pulp Fiction…WHAT’S IN THE DAMN BOX?!
Ben: Troy… we are friends. Dude, I can’t believe it!
Troy: How bout a hug for old times’ sake?
Sammy: Don’t push it, Troy…
Ben: Bring it in, big guy!
Sammy: Alright, dammit! I’m gonna go look in the box, excuse me, folks.
Ben: This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone has ever given me. I’m…so sorry I gave you all this grief.
Troy: It’s alright. Hatchet buried, little buddy.
Sammy: What the HELL is that thing?!
Ben: Sammy, you remember Serendipity, right? That’s what this is! Troy got me a sugar glid-
Troy: AHEM! Cat!
Ben: What?
Troy: Well, I got you a new cat. I could never replace ol’ Serendipity the sugar glider no matter how much I wanted because as we all know, sugar gliders aren’t allowed to be brought into the state as a domestic pet.
Sammy: That is the weirdest cat that I’ve ever seen.
Ben: Right! A cat! The best friggin’ cat ever! Does he have a name?
Troy: You’re gonna love it: Peas! Peas the sugar gl-
Ben: CAT. Peas the cat…
Troy: Yup, Peas the cat. Partly cause he loves to eat peas, and…partly cause I was hoping you’d give peas a chance.
Ben: I need another hug, Troy! GET OVER HERE!
Sammy: *laughs* Okay, I think we’re gonna take a quick break and get this…cat out of the studio. Maybe if I can pry apart this bro hug I’ll tell Troy it’s actually “give peace a chance”… Maybe not. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors, folks.
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