#the party don't start til I log in!!

[chronotsr]

No. 1 - G1, The Steading of the Hill Giant Chief (July 1978)

Author(s): Gary Gygax Artist(s): Erol Otus, Dave C. Sutherland III (cover), David A. Trampier Level range: Average of 9, preferably 5+ players Theme: Standard Swords and Sorcery Major re-releases: G1-3 Against the Giants, GDQ1-7 Queen of the Spiders, Against the Giants: The Liberation of Geoff, Dungeon #197, Tales from the Yawning Portal

I'm not sure if G1-G3 are the most remastered adventures of all time, but it's gotta be competitive. I think Tomb of Horrors might have it beat, but I haven't counted. The 4e conversion [the Dungeon #197 one] is really weird in particular because…4e feels like the edition least interested in the legacy of DND? It was boldly doing its own thing. A good quality, actually.

Anyway, it's time to slag off* on a beloved adventure. Note, I am using the earliest copy of G1 I can find, which is from waaaay later when D3 was complete. I apologize.

*And by slag off, I mean "be critical of at all". In practice, this module is actually showing some unusual acumen compared to its contemporaries.

EDIT: I forgot to mention a rather important thing when this was made live -- note the title there! We are officially in ADND land now, so put away your little brown booklets and switch over to the fuck-off awesome player's handbook with the iconic Moloch statue!

Somehow I had gotten my whole life at this point never really…understanding what this structure was supposed to look like? It looks like this.

I honestly think exterior shots of dungeons are critically underrated. Handouts are amazing and being able to flash the back cover art to safely show the party "like this" is actually great, I deeply wish that….any? of the previous modules had done that? I think the only one that did was Tsojconth. Weirdly, the interior drawing is very subtly different. Look at how the logs face:

Not a huge deal but, a kind of weird inconsistency that top one looks like a stockade and the bottom one looks like a log cabin. Side note, we know that the long dimension of this is using 210 feet tall logs, which is to say, the size of an average redwood. These are some big fuck-off trees -- which could be a very interesting detail about the local area.

Now the setup is pretty simple. You were hired to go beat up the giants because they've been raiding the local humans, figure out why they're raiding, and comeback posthaste. The locals have kitted you out with horses, guides, maps, et c -- but no compensation, they have simply omitted a finder's fee (cheap bastards). Also, if you fail, they'll execute you. With friends like these, who needs Giants?

Gary starts with some mild railroading (you accepted the job already, you are already kitted out, you already walked to a nearby cave, you waited til dusk to approach, you notice two guards are missing, and the cave is guaranteed to be moderately hidden. Sure, whatever, I'm going to ignore that if I run this tho. Gary notifies us of a few critical details:

Don't run this stock, that's immoral

Any surviving giants will flee to G2 if they have the opportunity (which, kind of inherently punishes clever play that avoids combat?)

There is a 2% chance per round that the wooden structure will be lit on fire due to chronic rain (why is this a dice roll??)

If you will permit me a tangent, player arson is truly the bane of interesting scenarios everywhere. Whenever a player wonders, "why are all the GM's dungeons underground or in stonework buildings?", it's because doing anything else invites arson as the default and best answer to all problems. Magic items are fireproof and most metal items will not get hot enough to be destroyed, so very often the best solution is to burn the place to the ground and loot it the next day. So, yeah. No wood buildings. Gary's fix is to have all the giants flee into the basement, then waste a week of the PC's time for daring to use arson. Kind of sucks!

Tangent complete.

Here's some random interesting bits:

Gary explicitly states that you can pass yourself off as hill giant kids, which is extremely funny. Minus the implicit child murder.

Naturally there are giant moms doing giant housemaid shit in several rooms. Presumably they have giant curlers too.

The secret door is, literally just a doorway covered by a pelt. I have to hand it to them, that'd trip up most players in 2024 AND make them feel stupid for not figuring it out!

The big reveal that Eclavdra the Drow is secretly behind it all is so lightly teased that it feels downright tasteful.

A giant that uses a ballista as a crossbow (based) and spears for arrows (also based) -- between the prevalence of lightning spears and greatarrows, one starts to think of a certain famous video game. Genuinely I think it'd be a fun exercise one day, for someone who is more knowledgeable than me about Japanese fantasy roleplaying culture, to talk about how anglophone fantasy works made their way into Japan and were interpreted.

One of the cloud giants has hidden a sentient giant slaying sword that speaks all the giant languages, it feels like there's a hell of a story going on there that is only alluded to!

To my knowledge, this is the first official depiction of an orc in DND? Which implies that Gary is team pig-orcs, which is cool. Frankly, I love porcine orcs, or even better just pigfolk in general, they're great.

I think it is actually a rather bold early stance for Gary to hold that, even here in 1978, Chaotic aligned creatures are not automatically friends. Granted, that's how it is in Elric, so it's not THAT bold, but clearly everyone else missed the memo. The orcs are willing to side with you at least in the short-run, and in our previous modules it was very rare to have groups of chaotic-aligned creatures fighting one another. It was always just personal beefs. In fact, the overall theme of G1 so far is that despite the boxy-ass dungeon design, there's already a command of naturalism that even modern dungeons really struggle with. Factionalism truly is the gift that keeps on giving for the GM!

So the big reveal internally to G1 (just think of that -- a reveal internally to G1, and externally to the GDQ supermodule -- we're already getting pacing!) is that the orc slaves have rebelled. And -- hey -- good for them. There's also a kind of…built-in companion refill system going on here? So in oldish DND the way it works is, the expectation is the party is not just 5 guys with swords. You've got companions to help fight, and you've got hirelings to do other stuff (test suspected traps, if you're evil). And you can only hire so many of these guys from town, but attrition is going to happen. So the modules simply provides, automatic replacements should you negotiate worth a quarter of a shit. A dwarf slave here, an orc slave there. Maybe a giant dissenter if you're really clever. One of the potential "rewards" you can get is more dudes to throw at problems.

More interesting bits

There is, what I can only really call an abortive idea going on here where there's a scary temple in the basement? But no one worships there and no information is provided. It is merely a fucked up altar. I think I vaguely recall that it's retconned Tharizdun in one of the remakes? They always retcon things to be Tharizdun. Busy man, Tharzy.

Gary, Gary no. Stop it. Stop this 78 guys bullshit. I thought we had established that giant rooms of giant clumps of guys was bad. I know you have terminal Napoleonics brain but stop.

Wait, Steading is a noun? I always thought it was a verb. Yknow, like "Steading those hill giants", taking 'em down a notch. Apparently, a Steading is a small farm -- same etymology as Homestead. I guess mark that as our first Gygaxism?

Our second Gygaxism is gill, which is "a quarter pint of an alcoholic drink", which is to say a few mouthfuls

Always end your adventures with weird, ominous non-diegetic text. On the flip-side, absolutely do not do what the adventure does, and end on a teleporter that takes you to the next dungeon. That is the worst option.

Anyway, that's the whole Hill Giant situation. Honestly, it's better than I remembered, but in proud module tradition up to this point it gets weirdly filler-y in the basement. There's just something about basements that makes dungeon designers stop giving a shit, I swear. I do need to give the man his due, even though he was a shitass person: Gygax wrote an 11 page module that is of noticeably higher killer-to-filler ratio than any of his contemporaries. G1 is better than any of its predecessors, pound for pound. It is way, way shorter which is I suppose a plus to me and a minus to others, but -- there is a clear internal logic to this place that is tragically missing from (say) The Dwarven Glory. And that internal logic is the beginning of good adventure design. Anyway, we have two fun tidbits to discuss before we end for the day.

First up, we have an of-the-time account of events in Dragon #19! It turns out that in Origins '78 they played G1-G3's prototype. The account is of the winners (mostly West Virginians, a few Michiganders), who used their magic extremely liberally to hide what they were doing as well as to scout. They did opt to light the place on fire, good for them! If you want to check this out, it's on page 3. I will mention G2 and G3 here as relevant later.

Second up, there's a weird interquel hiding in Dungeon #198! Hanging out as an informal G1.5 is "The Warrens of the Stone Giant Thane!" I will not review it in full because my understanding of 4e is, basically just skimming the PHB and reading the DMG, but essentially the Stone Giants are hypothetically aloof and not particularly loyal to their Fire Giant superiors, but someone gave them The Rock That Makes You Crazy and so now they are. Smash the rock!

Man, map design in the 4e era was so fucking bad. It looks fine, but like, this is four circles. And downstairs is, of course, cave as far as the eye can see. Aren't stone giants supposed to be skilled carvers? Anyway, If you feel like G2 would be too big of a jump mechanically compared to G1, this exists. I'm sure you could use it if you liked, and certainly there is a Genre of Grognard who would be kinda tickled at the thought of finding "lost content" for el classico GDQ.

Next week, we cover G2, which was also in July. So was G3! They're triplets!

[kellanved-ammanas]

TF2 Drabbles: Scout/Pyro - Decorations

Summary: Perhaps something silly with Pyro and Scout drawing together! It could be more platonic or more romantic, I genuinely don't mind either way.

I didn't get enough winter/winter holiday themed requests so I took several from my normal list and made them themed so. Which in hindsight, I maybe should've just decided to do from the start since they've been sitting in my inbox for so long already.

~

“What do you mean we can’t get more decorations? The Christmas party is like our big thing before we all leave for like ages. We gotta decorate for it.” And Scout wasn’t going to admit it out loud but he quite liked decorating the common room for it with everyone willing to assist. It was fun.

Engie frowned at him as he finished dropping the last of the water logged, partially moldy cardboard boxes that had once contained all the base’s Christmas decorations in the garage’s trash bin. “Son, in case you somehow forgot with how gosh dang cold it is, we’re on top of a damn mountain currently. The drive down to the nearest town is four hours in good weather. Which it is currently but that’s still far too long to for any of us to want to put up with for something that ain’t needed. We went yesterday to stock up with enough food and supplies to last ‘til we all leave for holiday. You should’ve said something before then.”

Scout followed him back into the warmer part of the base because it was indeed quite cold. “We didn’t know everything was ruined yesterday.” It was just this morning they’d pulled the boxes out and found them and most of what was inside ruined. They’d search through most of it, looking for anything salvageable with almost not success.

Those boxes had been left to sit and rot in the leaky back corner of the storage area since they’d moved into this base several months ago. The base hadn’t been warm enough to allow the leak to drip so they’d all missed it at the time, resulting in their current predicament. “It’s not fair.”

Engie shrugged. “Sorry but that’s just how it is. We’ll have a real tree this year though so it ain’t all bad.”

“Yeah but a Christmas tree isn’t a proper Christmas tree unless it’s not a star and stuff on it.”

No response this time so after a few more seconds of no sign of Engie changing his mind, Scout headed off. Technically he could steal the car and go by himself. But while he did have some experience driving in snow, nothing like what was out there. And his reckless driving had gotten him banned from using the team van – which he’d never had any desire to fight because it was more work to drive anyway – and thus he hadn’t driven at all in over a year. So his chances on the road weren’t great. Respawn could snatch him up but it could do nothing to save him from the team’s wrath if he totaled their only form of transportation that wasn’t Engie’s two man truck. And he didn’t want to risk doing that to all of them anyway. Meaning he was stuck.

He did know someone who would commiserate with him though. Even if he hadn’t even tried to argue with Engie’s decree, Pyro had seemed just as disappointed as Scout, if not more so, when pulling out the boxes to find them ruined.

It took a bit of searching but he eventually found Pyro in his room. The door was unlocked, allowing Scout to just walk in.

Pyro was standing at his table, piling stuff into a box at the edge of it. Curious, Scout stayed quiet as he stepped closer, allowing him to see into the box before Pyro could spot him. … It was his art stuff. Mostly paints but pencils and markers too.

“Why you packing up your stuff?”

Pyro didn’t startle, indicating he’d heard Scout come in and hadn’t minded. “I’m putting it in a box so I can move it easier. It’s good you’re here though because I need some of your paper and pencils and maybe some of Spy’s stuff too and probably some scissors and glue too.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll help you gather stuff.” It’s not like Scout had anything better to do right now. “What you planning on making?”

“Christmas decorations. We don’t have any and can’t go buy any so I’m gonna make some. You want to help?”

“Oh, uh… yeah, sure. That’s a good idea actually.” It hadn’t even occurred to Scout as an alternative to make their own decorations. They wouldn’t be super durable or fancy but it’d be far better than nothing. And well, doing art with Pyro was always fun. Working on a big project like this together would likely be even more so.

[eggbanhmi]

Hi! Thank you for the response. New Years was busy so I'm just now able to reply. I didn't know about the weapon type weakness or the fact that you could just level up more. So used to FFXIV where weapons dont really matter and level cap for events exist.

After a bit of research after logging in again I found I was on the quest "Journey to Bastok" on the San d'Oria mission tab, and that I was fighting the "BCNM Seeker and Dark Dragon" fight. The wiki says I can use trusts but from what I remember I wasn't allowed to.

Currently on Bahamut server but now that I'm so far out from when I last played (nearly a year ago) I might remake just to save the headache of trying to figure everything out again. Only level 27 so I think I can get back again quickly.

Hope you had a nice new year!!

Regarding differences between FFXIV and FFXI, it's quite different yes! Weapons and gear DO matter, but when you're starting out, having trusts to do most of the labor helps immensely, so that you don't really have to worry about gear til level 99. You can easily get gear as you level through the Records of Eminence Sparks Vendors. There's one in each of the 3 nations.

For that mission, hmmm, I do believe you could use trusts in that fight, yeah. How strange. The only thing I can think of, is if your trust timers were still going. There is a cool down after you summon them, so if you summoned them, released them, and then tried to summon them again shortly after, it wouldn't let you. Waiting for the cool down (shown to your right, above the little menu with your party member names and HP/MP when you're selecting a spell), or having more trusts to use and cycle through, could help. Otherwise, that may have been an unfortunate glitch. :/

27 is definitely easy to get back into, even if taking your time. The game doesn't even end when you reach 99. I hit 99 on my first job about 3 weeks after I started (I no-life'd it), and that was a year and a half ago. I'm still playing that job lmao, and I haven't gotten tired of it!

If you do plan on remaking, I'm on Asura! My wife, her cousin, and I would love to help you out, to either play together or help you get your bearings. We're higher level, but we do have alts and other jobs we can level together. I can also hook you up with a Gold World Pass if you delete your current character (it only works on the first character of the account), to get some rewards. Feel free to message me again if interested, be it in two days or two years! We're always gonna be playing XI lmao

[torakosama]

Reading log for The Easy Life in Kamusari by Shion Miura (#2)

For a refresher, please read log #1 here.

Last time, we talked about some of the villagers in Kamusari, but not really in depth - I have a pretty bad memory, so here's a slightly updated take on some of the characters relevant in this update.

Yuki: definitely a young adult with no purpose in life at the moment. We started with him fresh out of high school with the intent to become a freeter. He feels unwelcome in his family, since his mother seems focused on her other son (as I recall) and ships him off to a mountain village.

Yoki: He's a huge, somewhat animalistic man who cheats on his damn wife (which is played for laughs). He likes the forest so much that I'm starting to see why Yuki keeps calling him brutish and animalistic; he really reveres nature.

Seiichi: He owns the forest that Yuki works in. I picture him to be a Tumblr sexyman since he kind of falls in that trope of looking mean, being nice and also being a DILF, since he literally has a son, Santa and a very pretty wife, Risa. (They're not important for this log)

Nao: All I know is that she's very boyish and almost helped Yuki escape. She has not expressed interest in Yuki.

Granny Shige: granny. Sassy. Goes to an old person's home now and then.

Spoilers below!

So if it seems like I'm skipping stuff, that's because I want y'all to read it! Super good stuff. But it's also because I am so bad at remembering stuff. That's why I have a log. It really helps with my fugue. I had to skim through earlier parts to make sure I got it all.

But I think the pertinent things that happen after Santa got spirited away was the winter festival. Saburo essentially goes, "yep same thing happened to me but I don't remember nothing." Yuki is (rightfully) weirded out by how nobody seems to think this is weird. But life goes on. Yuki gets hay fever, goes to the Kamusari Cherry Tree blossom-viewing party after he lays down bridges for people to climb up and Yuki eventually gets drunk, and Nao is thoroughly unimpressed. Yuki thinks he may have fucked up.

So, the snow is melting to spring, Yuki sees fireflies for the first time, and as he's thinking about the fact that Kamusari is boring as hell, Yoki strikes conversation with him. Yoki admits that Kamusari is boring, which is why he fools around on the side. Everyone knows this, including his wife, Miho. Apparently, even a wild man like Yoki hates the easy life here. Yuki reiterates that despite behavior that seems disgusting, it's implied that nobody faults Yoki because he and Miho are still very much in love. He once tried to build a rabbit hutch to satisfy the itch of needing a hobby, which went poorly, so he instead fools around. This is probably why Yuki and Miho are floored by the fireflies in the rice patty.

Granny Shige correctly predicts the death of a man in the old folk's home, and now there's a funeral.

Spoilers over.

This is where I think it's best if I change the formula a bit. Clearly just trying to recall from memory isn't working. I think these logs come off as disjointed. I don't want that! 😵‍💫

From now on, I'm gonna treat this a bit more seriously.

Til next time!

[kimhargreeves]

Pleasure or Pain-Captain Howdy x Reader

Summary: After chatting for months with a stranger, you once again get invited into his home. But nothing is what it seems when you meet him.

(Based on the movie: Strangeland from 1998)

I smiled at the small computer screen and began to type away when I received another message after I logged into a chatroom. I chose a random username when I first started visiting this website, it was fun to chat with strangers especially at the person I began to chat with.

69Punkgurl- My day has been fucking boring. What have you been up to?

As childish as my username is, that is how we started chatting. The man who i was talking to joked about it and called it kinky, I laughed it off and continued talking to him.

CaptainHowdy- Thinking about you.

I read the message he sent. I blushed and read the rest, "Been busy doing s couple of things..my work needs perfection."

Whatever that meant I continued to play along. It's been approximately a month since we've started chatting, he invited me to his house the same day we started talking but I declined. It's not like I live with my parents anymore, but I know when to be careful.

Alternative music loudly played in the background of my room, I had been cleaning my place up and setting up my bedroom. For a living I have done a couple of things but none of them got me enough money like the job I have been dedicating my time on.

I had on a short skirt with thigh high knee socks, a black crop top shirt with fishnets under it and a spiked choker. I regularly also dyed my hair and could afford many things with my money.

Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage started playing on my vinyl.

CaptainHowdy- You getting ready for work?

I smirked and began to type away.

69PunkGurl- Of course

I bit my lips biting back a laugh when I saw him quickly typing until his message popped up.

CaptainHowdy- I would love to see you

This man is a complete stranger yet I felt comfortable telling him about a bit of my past and what I do. I told him that i do webcam, adult content specifically.

To make it more of a mystery so he won't recognize me I haven't told him my other username. Though I we have sexted each other a couple of times.

CaptainHowdy- Why don't you come to my place. Finally meet each other.

I read the message out loud and leaned back into my seat thinking hard about it. I declined the first time he told me go to his place, he understood and didn't press the question on u til now.

CaptainHowdy- Think of it this way. You'll get plenty of views if you do a collab on your video.

I laughed out loud at his joke. I knew when he was joking or not so this brought a smile on my lips. The only thing I know about him is that he's into the alternative scene as well, likes tattoos, piercings and parties as much as I do.

"Sure it'll be fun to meet you, why don't you give me an address." I pressed entered and sent the message.

My eyes scanned across the screen as I read the address. It's only a couple of minutes away from my home so our meeting will probably be short.

69PunkGurl- You arent going to kidnap me are you? ;)

I joked as well, a minute later he responded. "Would never dream of it."

I nodded in my head satisfied and sent him a quick "I'll see you soon" with that I logged out of my chat and began to get ready to meet this man. It was still pretty early so I began to take my time and doing whatever needed to be done, about an hour or so I was ready.

Before heading out of my apartment I began to make sure my makeup was done correctly and so was my clothing choice. I looked at myself in the mirror and was happy the way I looked.

Many people always stare back and how I look, calling me a freak or a spawn of Satan. I'm not even tattooed and people still think I'm from the world, the only places I feel comfortable and safe are at raves. Everyone has the same great taste in music and respect each other.

I also began to wonder if I've ever seen this man before. Of course he hasn't told me his real name but maybe just maybe we have stumbled upon each other at those famous raves a couple of blocks away from my home.

Before it got any more late than it already was I quickly began to head out. I walked across the streets and began to read the address again once I found myself getting closer to Captain Howdy's house.

The neighborhood around here seems too quiet it's almost like no one lives here, I looked up and saw a big white house. "This must be his place." I told myself and began to walk up ahead of the small stairs leading to the front door.

I erased my fist and began knocking on door, patiently waiting for the man to open. I do hope he's still at home, and I do hope he isn't another married man cheating behind his wife.

"Hello?" I called out loud once I knocked on the door again and it opened on it soon. Quietly and gently I pushed door open a bit more, I peeked my head inside and saw that it looked like any other ordinary home.

Is this even the right address? I checked the paper in which I wrote the address down and hope that I wasn't just trespassing someone else's home.

"Umm is anyone home?" I called out again. Maybe he's just not home.

I began to turn around ready to leave when I heard something deeper inside the house. Immediately I stopped walking and looked over to the direction where I heard that sound, it sounded like something falling over and maybe a scream or a whimper.

Maybe he hurt himself? Quietly I began to step further into the house. "Captain Howdy?" I began to get just a bit nervous.

I should probably head back home and message him that I arrived but no one was home. Well, so much for getting ready. I turned around already heading out the door when I felt the pair of arms wrap around me and a hand covering my mouth.

I panicked and began scratching at whoever was holding me tight, I bit the man's hand but he wouldn't even whimper or let go of me. Whoever this man was was clearly very tall and strong, but I still continued to fight

"Don't fight back." The raspy voice of a man leaned into my ear and wouldn't let go of me. Just when I was thinking of a great plan of escaping was when he knocked me unconscious.

************

I don't know how long I was out but slowly I regained consciousness back. I opened my eyes and adjusted at wherever I was, it was dark with just a few candles here and there. This seemed like a sort of torture chamber, bdsm or whatever people like to call it.

It was very dark but I could make out a couple of chains hanging from the ceiling some with hooks. "You thought you could get away from me." The man teased from wherever he was hiding.

His chuckle which turned into laughter. "You're quite a cute one, but you'll look even better once I am done with you. You'll experience a sense pleasure and pain you've never felt before."

I noticed that my ankles were tied together and so are my wrists. I pulled onto the chain which only made the man come out from the shadows. I looked up and saw that it was indeed tall and muscular man, half of his body was tattooed in black tribal up to his face. His eyes were dark and I noticed his teeth were sharp and his face full of piercings along with long red hair.

The man grinned and leaned down to chole me lightly. "Miss (Y/N), we've finally met." My eyes widened when I realized that he knew exactly who I am. He must've looked into me.

"So you're Caption Howdy..." I grinned despite him lightly choking me.

"Charlton Hendricks..but Captain Howdy sounds better." He said beginning to pet my head and pulled the chain i had around my neck closer to him.

I hummed and continued to smirk. "If you think I'm afraid of you then you are mistaken. In fact you are the one who wont be receiving anything from me. Infact I enjoy this." I admitted.

It isn't the first time I've slept with a stranger or done crazy things normal people wouldn't do. Of course he would be called a spawn of Satan because of his exaggerated body modification but to me this was normal, he looked kinda handsome to me especially his deep voice.

Looking at him was when I saw a different expression on his face, he was amused then I liked this kind of pain. I winced when I felt a sharp needle in my arm and another on my cheek.

"Such a good girl." He praised.

I felt disgusted at myself for even liking this pain and how he praised me, we don't even know each other that well. I blinked away the tears and turned my head to face him, "How about you stop these childish acts, and get to the real thing?"

A smirk appeared on his pierced lips, he took the needles out of me and threw it off somewhere. He grabbed a camera and placed it in front of me, he tightly held me cheek so I would stare directly at the camera.

I felt his tongue running down my neck when he pressed the camera to record, one of his hands continued to hold my neck up while I felt another sharp pain on my neck. I closed my eyes and leaned my neck back for him to continue. I began to question myself why he has so many chains and torture devices, but I decided to remain quiet and just enjoy the moment.

[apenapaperandadoofus]

AIGHT SO I’m like super high on caffeine and chocolate rn so I mighty write a lil Christmas one shot (it’s still December let me be pft)

But first a lil song I found a few days ago and has been stuck in my head ñon stop!

It’s from a musical called 35MM, they make up songs and stories from photos this one guy took, they’re amazing!

The song of called “Leave Luannne”

Warnings! There are mentions of abuse, r*pe, and such! So if you feel uncomfortable by that please don’t read this!

Now on to the song;:

Luanne's fat lip is drying, The bastard's bacon frying, The shiner on her eye's gone bust and bleeding. He shouts, "Girl, set the table!" But he knows she ain't able. Her arm's done broke, Hung limp like yolk,

AHHH we get the picture pretty clear from the beginning. i can always imagine Luanne on the floor, all bruised up and close to tears....

And softly she's repeating...

"Leave, Luanne. Why don't you march out that door? Southern woman, he ain't no good to you. Leave, Luanne. Louisiana wants war, But it's you dying on her ruby plains."

And yet, loyal Luanne remains. Ever since he got him laid off, His sanity's just made off. No, he was never nice, but now he's cruel.

So first, ahhhhfhrjehrn THE VIOLINS ARE AMAZING AND THE VOCALS TOO also we can see why Luanne doesnt leave the dude. I can see her internal debate, telling herself to leave but not being able to.

He rapes her, and he beats her, She don't 'fess how he treats her, 'Cause a Bible verse Says it won't get worse, And she won't be a fool. "You won't never leave, Luanne,

And then theres this part about the bible, i dont exactly know what verse theyre talking about, but we see that Luanne is super religious, which makes her internal debate even harder. Should she leave or stay? She has been taught probably her whole life with that idea, and probably doesnt want to end up in hell due to her beliefs and what she’s been told.

'Cause if you walk out that door His truck will be gunning for you.

No, you won't leave, Luanne, Or he'll give you 'What for?' You got heart where you should have had brains."

This part always makes me sad bc Luanne may still love that asshole, which sucks, but she still does and is pretty loyal to him makes it even harder for her to make a decision too

And so, loyal Luanne remains. Someone's howling, Screams like sighing with battered breath Grating, growling, Never dying In a fate worse than death. But months of such conditions Turn laymen to logicians And tonight the bastard's sleeping like a log. So she plucks the kitchen cleaver,

Creeps up toward his roped-up lab retriever,

DUDE I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA KILL THE DOG AND I ALMOST CRIEDD AHHH

AND THE VIOLINS MAKE THE TENSION AMAZING. It makes you so nervous about whats going to happen. You can imagine Luanne finally making a decision, tired of everything. Its dark at night and she slowly makes her way to the kitchen, trying so quietly to not wake him up.

And she cuts the rope, And hope on hope, She starts to shout, "Your dog's got out!" She's got her chance. With no back glance She runs out to the bog, Screaming, screaming: "Leave, Luanne!" "Leave, Luanne. You've got a life left to live In a house hanging off the Golden Coast! Leave, Luanne. You won't forget nor forgive, " And she don't feel the stings, the rips, and scrapes As finally Luanne escapes.

And the way you can FEEL the tension, the way you can see her running and your heart starts speeding up, wishing she can escape, that she can lead a better and happier life, shes doing her best, not feeling the pain. You can tell how desperate she is. You can see her running through the woods, leaves and branches getting tangled in her hair, sometimes cutting her, but she still keeps going due through sheer determination, ignoring how her feet hurt and how much shes running out of breath. All the way through shes making a promise to herself, that she will NEVER let go what the asshole did to her.

Swim, Luanne! Swim, Luanne! And in the swamp of beeches, Oh, as the preacher preaches, As the light In the night Holds through the marsh and brushes As the blood inside you rushes Left and right, Hold on tight—

And then you can feel the hope, the relief that she has managed to get out, the violins making a sort of country dancey song (?) pft and youre like YAS GIRL RUN AND LIVDE YOUR LIFE its amazing, its so happy from the depressing music we heard before, Luanne gets out of the place, some people help her, she becomes happy again, meeting people and dancing all night at parties, maybe she even finds someone new and starts dating them, having a new life with someone who loves her....but then....

—Until you reach the bank And you crawl onto the bank, 'Til you feel a little yank on your hair And, stricken, stare at the bastard Who beat you there.

DUDE THIS PART. THIS. PART. I CANNOT EXPRESS THE WAY MY HEART BROKE. YOU JUST START FEELING THAT EVERYTHING IS ALRUGHT, THAT SHES MADE IT, ONLY TO FIND THT THE BASTARD FUCKING MADE IT BEFORE HER. AH DUDE. THE INSTRUMENTS. THE WAY YOU CAN FEEL THE SADNESS IN THE SINGERS VOICE. AND THE WAY IT GETS SET UP, OH BOY I DIDNT, I LITERALLY SCREECHED THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT. I SERIOUSLY CANT EXPLAIN HOW GENIUS THIS IS SO FREAKING AHH THE GUITAR, THE VIOLINS JESUS CHRIST

the guy just yanks her hair and gives her a horrible smirk, and Luanna can only look in horror, her heart breaking and all her dreams vanishing as she realizes that she...she didnt make it.

The bastard lies in bed now, Half-sad his wife is dead now. She drowned herself in a swamp in wild despair.

I actually want to know wether if he killed her, or if she killed herself. To make it more angsty i like to think she actually drowned herlsef, because its so heartbreaking to see how her hopes die and she just...gives up. Gosh its so friggen, ahhhh. Once Luanne sees the guy she shrieks and tries to pull away, falling backwards. Either the bastard hit her, or something but she ends up  being paralyzed and unable to move. She reacts desperatly but the bastard refuses to help, and then she slowly gives up, letting the water fill her lungs, and slowly closing her eyes and accepting her faith.

He thinks he used to love her, But push it came to shove her, A wife disposed, A wife case closed, And no one seems to care,

DUDE THIS GUY AGHHH

And the violins are amazing. He doesnt care. No one knows shes dead. Luanne is left without no one there to remember her, to grieve her. Its just....so heartbreaking.

To grieve Luanne. Now no one's on his shoulder, But his mattress don't feel colder,

And in fact, it's hellish hot, and the air is dank and steaming. Yet his body starts to shiver When the window cracks a sliver And a fiery fog From the miry bog Pours in the room In a sticky gloom And there the man Sees dead Luanne.

DUUUUDE DUDE LISTEN TO THE VIOLINS HOLY DIDDLY FUCK GODDAMN THIS IS AMAZING LUANNE GO GET HIM GIRL. 

Luanne makes her way to the house, fulfilling her promise of getting her revenge, of not forgiving the asshole for everything he did. And then, when she gets there, dripping, the bastard only stares.

He's terrified, But he keeps his pride, 'Cause he knows that he ain't dreaming. And he starts screaming, "Leave, Luanne. Hell sent you back here for more, 'Cause ain't no one ever loved you."

THIS, THISSSSS. ITS BY FAR MY FAVORITE PART. When hes the one telling her to leave, when its HIM. Just- the nerve of this man. And i know i keep saying this byt LISTEN TO THE VIOLINS. They are perfect, the tension, the way they just- the way they make you feel, the way they always give you shivers and make you go oh fuck shits about to go down.

He is just cockily smirking trying to act as if hes not afraid. And then he has the audacity to tell her to LEAVE. The thing shes been trying to do for so long, but now...its too late. Her eyes widen in rage and she stands straight, lifting her chin and glaring at him.

But said Luanne, "I've come to settle a score, " And she shows him her feet are bound in chains.

Shes stuck there. But this time, the roles are reversed. This time Luanne will be the one feared. She will now hold the power.

And loyal Luanne remains And remains And remains And remains!

AND THE REMAINS. GOD ITS AMAZING, NOW INSTEAD OF LEAVING SHE JUST STAYS WHEN SHE WANTED TO LEAVE AND I- THE REMAINS MAKE IT SOUND SO FUCKING GOOD, IT SAYS SHE IS STILL LOYAL AHHH

I like to think that shes also got it stuck in her head that she cant leave, and shes now torturing the bastard by STAYING, the way it just changes fro, what it was at the beginning, HOLY SHIT AHH. And as the remains get louder she gets angrier and the room start getting hotter and hotter, and Luanne just smiles and you see the bastard cowering more and more in fear.

Someone's howling, Screams like sighing With battered breath. Grating, growling, Never dying In a fate worse than death. Luanne, She cries her miserable wail So the bastards will never sleep again!

And she is CRYING. Tears make their way down her face, crying and asking how dare he, why would he, all she wanted was to be happy.

No, no reprieve, Luanne, She brings their souls down to hell, A caution to the cruelest of men: God loves Luanne! Praised be! Amen!

The ending is so good, she gets her revenge, makes the guy regret what shes done. i always imagine the whole place setting in fire and Luanne getting angrier and angrier, thr bastard finally realizing what the hell hes actually done. This is amazing, i love this song so much. Not only the story but also the way you can imagine and feel everything. this song is so freaking good istg

Theyre in HELL. She used to be so religious, and thats the fate she didnt want. She never wanted to be in hell, yet there she is, getting her revenge. I dont know if God went like aight here ya go gurl, get your revenge, or smth like DAMN, so good.

In conclusion, amazing song, so good, i swearrr. This musical is amazing, they have other amazing songs like Sarah Berry, or Piece of Me.

Some of them range from being depressing, to adorable, to HILAROUS like Caralee lmfao that one is amazing lol

I really hope yall take a listen hehe, im sorry for rambling so much, im just trying to keep myself distracted from everything going on at home and with my dog. Hope yall have a good day and ill write more things, I promise!

[dont-offend-the-bees]

start the year as u intend to go on

[housecatclawmarks]

####aesthetic:

EMMETT

(spoken) Whoa, Elle? What's up, Doc?

ELLE

Love

EMMETT

(spoken) Excuse me?

ELLE

I put my faith in love

I followed where it led

EMMETT

(spoken) Love led you here?

ELLE

To my personal circle of Hell

It has not worked out well

I wish that I were dead

Cause instead of a wedding in love

I'm flunking out of school

A total laughing stock

Someone he and his friends could just mock

So go on, here's my head

Just hand over the rock!

EMMETT

(spoken) Wait, go back!

(sung) You came out here to follow a man

Harvard law was just part of that plan

Man, what rich romantic planet are you from?

ELLE

(spoken) Malibu?

EMMETT

Instead of lying outside by the pool

You stalk some guy to an ivy league school?

That's the weirdest reason I have--

ELLE

(spoken) Oh, why'd you come?

EMMETT

(spoken) Okay

(sung) I grew up in the Roxbury slums

With my mom and a series of bums

Guys who showed me all the ways a man can fail

I got through law school by busting my ass

Worked two jobs in addition to class

So forgive me for not weeping at your tale

ELLE

(spoken) Well excuse me,

just because you've got some kind of chip on your shoulder . . .

EMMETT

(spoken) You know what? You're right.

(sung) There's a chip on my shoulder

And it's big as a boulder

With the chance I've been given

I'm gonna be driven as hell

I'm so close I can taste it

So I'm not gonna waste it

Yeah, there's a chip on my shoulder

You might wanna get one as well

ELLE

(spoken) I'm sorry, but that sounds highly negative. Wait!

Two jobs PLUS law school?! How do you do it?

EMMETT

Well, I don't go to parties a lot

Not good use of the time that I've got

Can't spend hours doing my hair and staying in shape

ELLE

(spoken) I don't spend hours!

EMMETT

But I know it'll all be worthwhile

When I win my first lucrative trial

And buy my mom that great big house out on the cape!

ELLE

(spoken) Oh, that's so sweet!

EMMETT

No! That's the chip on my shoulder

I hugged my mom and told her

With the chance I've been given

I'm gonna be driven as hell

Though I can't take the day off

I just think of the payoff

You need a chip on your shoulder

Little Miss Woods comma Elle

ELLE

(spoken) I just need to prove to everyone that I'm serious!

EMMETT

(spoken) What you need is to get to work! Where are your law books?

ELLE

(spoken) Ummm . . . Well, I know they're here somewhere . . .

EMMETT

Ya know, this vanity's real picturesque

But it started its life as a desk

Clear it off, and find some room for books instead

ELLE

(spoken) What are you doing?!

EMMETT

Can you live without this?

Can you live without that?

I don't know what this is

ELLE

(spoken) It's for hair!

EMMETT

Wear a hat!

Spend some time improving what's inside your head!

Out, out, put it in storage, sell it on eBay, leave it behind

Out, out, what, are you angry?

Good, so get angry! You may find

The chip on your shoulder

ELLE

(spoken) ARGH!

EMMETT

The room just got colder

ELLE

(spoken) Hey!

EMMETT

But with the chance you've been given

Why are you not driven as hell?!

There's just no way around it

You gotta plow through til you've

ELLE

(spoken) Found it!

EMMETT

Been reading it hard, I can tell . . .

GIRLS

Tis a gift to be simple

Tis a gift to be free

Hmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

ELLE

(spoken) Bye, Warner! Have a great Thanksgiving!

Say hi to your mom and dad for me! And Grandma Bootsie!

EMMETT

(spoken) Define malum prohibitum.

ELLE

(spoken) Malum prohibitum is, ummm . . .

EMMETT

(spoken) An act prohibited--

ELLE

(spoken) An act prohibited by law like jaywalking or chewing gum in Singapore.

EMMETT

(spoken) Therefore malum ensae?

ELLE

(spoken) Is an action. That is evil in itself.

Assualt, murder, white shoes after labor day.

EMMETT

(spoken) Good. Where are you going?

ELLE

(spoken) Home, of course! It's Thanksgiving break, remember?

EMMETT

(spoken) Interesting.

ELLE

(spoken) What?

EMMETT

Well, I predict you will probably pass

ELLE

(spoken) Yes!

EMMETT

In the bottom percent of your class

ELLE

(spoken) What?

EMMETT

If you're going for mediocre, you've done great!

ELLE

(spoken) That's not fair!

EMMETT

Look, they laughed at me like they're laughing at you

We can't win if we don't follow through!

Might I venture your vacation plans can wait?

ELLE

(spoken) Why do you always have to be right?

GIRLS

Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ria! (Latin chanting)

ELLE

(spoken) Bye, Warner! Merry Christmas! Enjoy Bayo!

EMMETT

(spoken) Ho-ho-ho!

ELLE

(spoken) Emmett!

EMMETT

(spoken) For you! Not as good as going home for Christmas, but . . .

ELLE

(spoken) You are too sweet.

EMMETT

(spoken) It's a real time saver. Shampoo and conditioner in one!

ELLE

(spoken) Ah! (giggles) Thank you. You are so adorable to think of me.

WARNER

(spoken) Elle, hey!

ELLE

(spoken) Warner!

WARNER

(spoken) Have you seen Vivienne? I've been looking for her everywhere!

ELLE

(spoken) Yeah . . . I-I mean no.

WARNER

(spoken) Great! We're gonna miss our flight!

EMMETT

(spoken)Um, Elle?

(sung)I don't know if you've noticed before

But each time Warner walks in the door

Your IQ goes down to 40, maybe less

ELLE

(spoken) Huh?

EMMETT

Though it's hardly my business to say

Could it be the real thing in your way

Is the very guy you're trying to impress

ELLE

Yes! I've been smiling and sweet and thoroughly beaten blowing my chance

Let's not chase him away

Let's face him and say

"Hey punk, let's dance!"

This chip on my shoulder

Makes me smarter and bolder

No more whining or blaming

I am reclaiming my pride

Grab that book and let's do this

Instead of doodling hearts all through this

Now there's a chip on my shoulder!

Let's see him knock it aside!

GIRLS

Ah-ah-ah-ah Daughter of Delta Nu

Show him that you're no fool

Daughter of Delta Nu

Go back to school with a big chip on your shoulder!

WARNER

(spoken) Mr. Ladimer was clearly within his rights to ask for visitation.

Without his sperm, the child in question wouldn't exist!

CALLAHAN

(spoken) Now you're thinking like a lawyer!

Yes, Miss Woods.

ELLE

(spoken) Mr. Huntington makes an excellent point,

but did the defendant keep a log of every sperm emission made throughout his life?

CALLAHAN

(spoken) Interesting. Why do you ask?

ELLE

(spoken) Well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every sexual encounter

to find out if a child resulted from those unions,

he has no parental claim over this child whatsoever.

Why now? Why this sperm?

CALLAHAN

(spoken) I see your point.

ELLE

(spoken) And by Mr. Huntington's standards,

all masturbatory emissions where the sperm was clearly not seeking an egg would

be called reckless abandonment.

CALLAHAN

(spoken) Miss Woods, you just won your case.

ELLE

Ohmigod . . .

GIRLS

Wait, hold on, we just won the case!

ELLE

Omigod . . .

GIRLS

Elle got all up in Warner's face

ELLE

Omigod . . .

GIRLS

I am starting to like this place! Yes! Omigod!

CALLAHAN

(spoken) Miss Woods, excellent work today.

I assume you're applying for my internship. Do you have a resume?

ELLE

(spoken) I am one step ahead of you.

Here you go, and thanks in advance for your consideration.

CALLAHAN

(spoken) Dear God, it's scented.

Three months ago, I would have recycled this. Make sure to put it on file.

EMMETT

Guess she got a chip on her shoulder

Maybe some wise man told her

With the chance we've been given

We gotta be driven as hell

She was something to see there

I'm just happy I could be there

First big test and she aced it

She's so close she can taste it

She got a chip on her shoulder

Guess you never can te-e-ell . . .

With little Miss Woods comma Elle!

GIRLS

Elle Woods

Woods comma Elle

Chip on her shoulder

Elle Woods

Woods comma Elle

Chip on her shoulder

EMMETT

No you never can tell

GIRLS

Elle Woods

Woods comma Elle

Chip on her shoulder

ALL

With little Miss Woods comma Elle