#the perspective is fucked but idc to work anymore on it

[ganondoodle]

yet another abandoned painting attempt..

[prettyboyarts]

HELLO ACE ATTORNEY COMMUNITY !!!!!

i have risen from the dead, and in honor of the newly released apollo justice trilogy, i give u a redraw of this post

(png in reblogs)

[and-stir-the-stars]

Saffron pawn au playlist

Unfortunately i don't know a lot of songs that would be relevant in the time period SP takes place, so this is more filled with modern songs; a separate playlist with time relevant songs may or may not be made at a later date

Shots by Imagine Dragons. The idea of feeling like you destroyed someone you love and are fated to do nothing but destroy everything around you is ofc very Mike coded

Super Bass by Nicki Minaj bc imagining Evan teasing Mike with the lyric "you know how i feel about American guys,, SIGH" is SO FUCKING FUNNY IDC

Talkin In Your Sleep, for Discord reasons

the Tornado bc... idk actually. I just randomly thought of Ev being a paper boy while listening to this song once and it got Permanently Engrained in my head, okay

Love Love Love by of Monsters and Men. It's an aro/loveless song, and while the song is meant to be about romantic love, I feel it can work decently well for familial love as well. "You love when you know I can't love (you)" just makes me think of Evan and his complicated feeling about Mike and the knowledge that Mike genuinely loves him now of all the times when Ev needed it in the past.

Animal I Have Become, bc ofc a saffron pawn playlist is going to need a generic and overplayed song about being turned into a monster, okay. Duh. I don't make the rules. Song also can work well for both Ev and Mike's perspectives

Goofy Goober Rock bc Evan likes Spongebob. Duh.

Hold My Hand by Sam Burchfield. Mostly here for the vibes; there's something about the longing for someone to care and for things to be okay in the end. I think about Ev playing this on piano and Ev and Mike singing the lyrics together a lot.

i Hate Everything About You. Again, we need generic overplayed songs that represent Ev and Mike's hatred of Will, okay (another song meant as a love song but I'm not viewing it that way, shush). Also works well (in some lyrics but mostly just the vibes) from the perspective of early days after Mike gets custody of Evan, when Evan still wants to hate Mike but is confused and isolated at the realization that Will never loved him, and Ev is searching for something to fill the void that leaves.

Barking at the Moon, by Jenny Lewis. Here for the vibes about being able to start a new, happy life with someone you care about. Let the saffron boys be happy :((

Make Me a Hero by DHeusta. The song is literally Mike Afton POV anyway, and the theme of Mike wanting to make up for what he did by trying to keep someone (Evan) safe is ofc relavent to the au. "Make me a hero because I might be afraid of the night I'm trying to brave" hits for Saff mike

Monster by Imagine Dragons, blah blah blah both Ev and Mike feel like monsters

Motion Sicknesses. "I hate you for what you did, and I miss you like a little kid." Evan's feelings abt Mike after Mike left him behind

My Blood by 21 pilots. Smth about 2 brothers swearing to be there for each other just hits. Smth smth Mike saying he's going to be there for evan and will never give up on evan no matter what, but also... evan saying "you don't need to run (anymore)" back.

Strangers like Me from Tarzan. Just makes me think of evan struggling to Understand that other people are "like him", but really wanting to engage with other people and learn more about them yet not knowing how. Once he starts being able to not repress everything about himself or respond immediately to others with venom, he's able to see other people and their struggles and their beauty in their humanity, but he feels forever held apart from it all bc of what he went through/ what he did.

Stronger Than You from Steven Universe. First off, it's about two people having a strong connection. "This is us, back together, and we're never going down at the hands of the likes of you (William/Henry/whoever) because we're so much better." This is Mike and Evan accepting each other and saying "fuck you" to all the forces that have tried to tear them apart, pit them against each other, and wear them down. "Go ahead and try and hit me if you're able. Can't you see that my relationship is stable? I can see you hate the way we intermingle."

Every Teardrop A Waterfall by Coldplay. Id an Evan song in general but is esp relevant to Saffron Ev, who has a passion for music; I can see him blaring music and it feeling like heaven for him, but also as a method of dissociating.

Therapy by All Time Low. Both the boys dealing with toxicity from William and Henry, blah blah blah.

Flags by Coldplay. Here for vibes. "If you could do it all again, would you do it all the same? Is there something that you'd tell your former self? There were pirates who had never seen the sea, But the one recurring theme, the one recurring dream they had Was to be whatever they wanted to be." Just wanting to be who you are and live a happy life is a theme very relevant to the brothers.

Ink by Coldplay. Reminds me of Mike's love of Evan, even if Evan can't love mike back. "Got a tattoo and the pain's alright, ooh, ooh. Just want a way of keeping you inside (oh, oh). All I know, All I know Is that I'm lost In your fire below. All I know Is that I love you so, So much that it hurts." Double points bc mike is a tattoo artist in the au, and my early versions of mike's design had him with tattoos specifically to remind himself of Evan

In My Place by coldplay. Mike pov song. "In My Place Were lines that I couldn't change. I was lost, oh yeah, Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed. I was scared, I was scared, Tired and under prepared. How long must you wait for it? How long must you pay for it?"

In Our Bedroom After the War. This one needs no explanation.

Into the Open Air from Disney Brave. Evan's tentative feelings about his newfound relationship with Mike; Evan carries a lot of distrust and heartbreak after how they could never seem to connect in their youth ("i tried to speak to you every day, but each word we spoke the wind blew away"), but wants to move forward ("can we carry this love we share into the open air?") Will this relationship we're making last? Will it mean anything? Will it break? Can we mean anything to each other? I often imagine adult evan playing piano and singing this one to sort through, then honor, his pain and complicated feelings about Mike.

The Kids Aren't Alright by FOB. General vibes. Neither of these kids are alright. Other than that it might be more relevant to Jem and Mike, actually

Learn Me Right from Brave. Here for these lines specifically: "We'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free. We will be who we are. And they'll heal our scars; Sadness will be far away. So I had done wrong, but you put me right: My judgment burned in the black of night. When I give less than I take, It is my fault, my own mistake." Smth smth the longing to be free and happy. Smth smth Mike and Evan learning how to be better with each other, learning to forgive each other and themselves for their past mistakes.

Some Kind of Disaster by All Time Low. Mike pov song abt him not feeling good enough.

Brother by Madds buckley. This song suggested to me by @destefaniart, and they have a good explanation post for it here, way better than i could write

Monster by Starset. "Under the knife I surrendered, The innocence yours to consume. You cut it away And you filled me up with hate. You're the pulse in my veins. You're the war that I wage. Can you cage me? Can you change me? From the monster you made me?" Evan's (and Mike's) angry feelings toward William after what Will did to him (and to Mike, too).

I doubt anyone would want it but i can give the link to the spotify playlist if anyone asks

[toehwa6]

What’s up partner wanna talk about chronic pain?

Here’s the scoop on chronic pain, at least in my perspective.

So everyone is different, but my shit is I’m 25 with a fuckin degenerative disc disorder which for me is when your fuckin bones just go away. It fucking sucks and it gave me stenosis, two partially herniated discs, and now I’m starting to get fuckin sciatica.

As you can imagine, but back fuggin hurts all the fuckin time, except when I’m walking or on Valium.

Unfortunately I can only walk like 2.5 miles, stand for 40 min, and sit for like 20-30 but when im sitting im fucked and I usually have to get up a bunch.

My life rn is fucked cause I literally do PT for 30min in the morning(not too bad), an hour in the afternoon, and then another 30min session before bed.

All in between im fuckin walking on a treadmill or juggling because I learned to do that recently so I have a something to do while im standing. (Actually very nice)

Anyway, down to the meat of it.

The shit I just described is fucking horrible, and some days I can’t walk or go and do shit like work or get groceries. And everytime I think the pain can’t get worse it does.

But fr the shittiest part about chronic pain *for me* is the fuckin depression that comes along with it.

All I think about all the time is

Im a burden, im worthless, im stuck here, I invalidate myself and my disability even tho Im in pain and can’t walk.

I went to a chronic pain seminar and they focused on the intrusive thoughts.

But they talked about things like

Is the pain ever gonna go away, is the pain ever gonna get worse, am I ever gonna get better

None of those applied to me

Imo those are thoughts you have in the first 6 months of chronic pain, but then you adjust and you don’t care anymore. At least I didn’t after awhile.

I accepted that my situation was fucked, it was never going away, and it was only going to get worse.

Easy peezy

But that weight is always replaced by something else.

Now I hate myself because I’ll never be better than what I am now.

I can’t go to school or have a career I want.

I can’t travel or do things I want to do.

I can’t even be comfortable in my house anymore.

All the while I’m just so focused on not bothering anyone with my problem’s because I’m so afraid of being a burden.

About 8 years ago, my little brother passed away. It took me years to not be known as the dead brother guy.

Now I’m just the disability back pain guy.

I don’t want to be that. I just want to be me.

But for anyone looking in, especially when I can’t hide it. That’s what they see.

It’s funny when people say if they had what I have they would just kill themselves. Like I get it lol. It’s nice to laugh instead of be pitied.

It makes me feel so bad when people have to make accommodations for me.

I spent my whole life trying to be as independent as possible, and now I’m in a position where I NEED to rely on others.

Idk. I know how having chronic pain can make you feel hopeless.

But everyone I’ve talked to who is also in my position are the most positive and ambitious people I’ve met. They want to live their lives so much.

It’s people looking in with their oh no that must suck glasses that assume how I feel.

And that’s why it sucks that people think being in pain all the time when for me it’s just the depression.

I feel so bad that I’m choosing to just push through the pain to have a full time job because I don’t want to feel like a loser anymore.

I’ll literally be taking a pay cut and I’ll have to work more which will be hard. But idc because at least I’ll feel like I have a purpose and I’m doing something.

People always say, but toehwa6, you have a part time job, and you’re fucked! What are you gonna do!

I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want even if I want to kill myself the whole time.

Hopefully it makes my depression better.

I’m starting to just ramble and shit but idk I hope you read it.

I just say push til tomorrow and it’ll be better. Even if it sucks too or it’s worse just tell yourself tomorrow will be better.

Just do what you want to do

Thanks

[ribscarvedlikebutterflies]

matthew,

i swear i think im done talking but i guess i will never shut the fuck up when it comes to you lmao. i just feel like i need to say this right now.

i can only imagine how all of this looks from your perspective. last night i felt this strong sense that you were with me, and it was unlike anything i felt before. it’s different now because youre aware. correct me if i’m wrong on anything i say — but ive been proven right too many times, and even though the doubt still lingers in me, i have faith in my own ability to discern and know what is the truth even though im mostly blind here and you give me nothing physically. but i can feel you, your thoughts, your emotion, your energy, often times against my will (that doesnt mean i know exactly what youre doing, i swear i really dont want to make you paranoid lmao) and it has always told me… how much you love me, and how hard you tried to push it down. i knew it was the truth even before this all happened but you kept showing me otherwise and it made me feel crazy. i had to learn how to stop doubting myself.

i kept asking myself, is this worth it? i want something easy. i deserve something easy. but when my mind goes quiet. im like. nah. why would i accept a love i didnt have to fight for. (why am i like this???? i have a few answers) it’s weird cause yeah, i wish this was over — sometimes i wish it never happened — but it’s like i fell more in love with you this way. i knew i really loved you cause (fight me on this) you showed me the worst of you and i still loved you… i didnt fight it… i fought your resistance, though, and i fought myself every fucking day trying to believe in what i was seeing and feeling because “this isnt love. i deserve a love who doesnt decide against me.” but over and over… i felt it, and maybe you didnt feel it consciously, maybe it was just subconscious, in the back of your mind, but i fucking felt it and it drove me insane. i felt your pain (doubting this as im typing it, why??) i wanted to just LIVE but at the same time, i didnt want you to be alone in that pain, even though you werent aware. i didnt want to leave you alone. i wanted you to break free. it was torture. but i kept fighting. fighting. fighting.

yo, however this sounds to you, idk and idc anymore. keep an open mind. this shit is real. i worked really hard to be as good as i am right now. ive gone too far to give up. i know you want to give me everything. i can feel you with me. it feels so good that you know. i wanted to give up on you so many times, but something would always keep me going, it’s so ridiculous… i have faith in you. i think youre perfect as you are. just for who you are. at the end of the day, i want you to be happy & healthy & free. i dont write these to make you feel pressured, these aren’t ultimatums. (i know i get impatient and frustrated but im sure you can understand how difficult this is for me). i want you to feel free with me, and i hope you do. im pushing this so much because i know you want the same thing. i feel it in my fucking soul, it’s ridiculous. im not sure i wouldve told you these things with such confidence awhile back but i feel like ive already exposed so much of myself to you, so it doesnt even matter. ive never felt something this intimate that didnt involve my body. ive never pushed my mind and heart so far. ive never felt so sure about someone.

i remember one night, a couple months ago, just crying… i prayed for clarity because everything was too blurry to me. and i remember just thinking, “he doesnt even know how i feel about him.” and it was so fucking sad to me. idek. it broke my heart. i cried like a little kid. and i hoped that you’d know, somehow. i wanted to run into you again, and tell you right then and there, but that last time i saw you, i couldn’t even look at you. i was so angry. i wasnt ready to take that chance. i felt so small and alone. like no matter what, i couldnt get through to you. but i couldnt sit and wait knowing what i knew. i couldnt just fucking give it up!!! it wouldnt leave me alone!!!!! this nagging fucking feeling deep inside of me, you have to understand this. i felt bound, trapped. like this wasnt even supposed to happen. but i trust myself to know what’s worth fighting for… and i believe in that completely. if this meant nothing, i wouldnt have given it a second thought. but it means everything to me.

i kept having these fucking visions, man. they made me cry. the future is so beautiful and bright. i feel so embarrassed to say them!!!! lmao. but i kept seeing us in italy… and i was like… wtf? i couldnt tell if it was your fantasy or a prediction, but it felt like a bit of both. it didnt really feel possible until i saw it. but i believe in it. i want it. thats the path ive been choosing to go down, over and over. every time i try to break free, i just come back to you.

i feel like… you want to be “a man” before you come to me… i get you want things to be a certain way, but i dont want you to keep talking yourself down from your impulses. im literally here confessing my love for you night after night. calm down lmao. i know this limbo will eventually end, but i think if you take that first step, it’ll make you see that it really isnt so scary. i want to spend time with you. i want to see you. dont hold back anymore. we’ll make it thru.

so, if youre wondering or just thinking if we’re meant to be, i think so.

aaaaallllllll my love,

zana

[jurisffiction]

this morn i choose to think about a supernatural that pulls hte trope of inverse time travel locked lovers and obviously because dean is more our window in to the world he's the one moving forward and castiel is moving backwards. well not "backwards", i dont think, because that has implications for like, his own stability and sense of self but i think in this he (all angels?) is much more often time travelling and so the whole Thing is that his entire sequence of interactions with dean are jostled and jumbled but, roughly, their first ever meeting via our (dean's) eyes are a castiel close to his death, the last time he'll ever meet him, and their last ever meeting is our dean close to his death and meeting a castiel laying eyes on dean for the very first time. i dont know how this all uh, works, then. i think you simply have to keep him rescuing dean from hell, because it's still something that foundationally sets off his entire character and love of dean, but here's the trick: "samantha! how can it be his very centre if it's the last act he does before he dies?" you're not thinking fourth dimensionally. he knows he will do it (out of his own free will, even still, considering), which is much the same, with his angel-perspective on existence and also because, you know, it hangs above him the entire time. he knows he'll do it because 12 years into his chronological past, a dying, crying dean winchester thanked him for pulling him from hell, literally and figuratively. so he’s dying, he heads into the worst battle he's ever seen, clashes through hell for forty years, pulls dean out, struggles to communicate with him because he's so weak so keeps smashing glass and leaking light but manages to tell him heaven has a plan for him, that he loves him, then dies. dean's 29, fresh outta hell, rescued by a man who looks at him with love, and scared out of his fucking mind.

onwards and onwards. the events of seasons 4 and 5 roughly pan out plotwise, though emotionally dean is dealing with a guardian angel he's guessing is from the future who "so you understand, why i cant help,"-style is mysterious and cagey about what exactly he can and cant confirm. there are two major scenes which YES are extremely reminiscent of doctor who: 1) early on, after a couple of the "i cant tell you th-" "if you mention destiny again i swear to-" routines where cas refuses to admit anything about the future, dean snaps out "first time we met you seemed pretty casual about telling me you l-" and cuts himself off. cas obviously knows what he's talking about but somehow, through the magic of slowburn, he cannot face right then that he ended up telling dean, least of all that he finally did it with his dying breath. maybe this is a slightly out-of-precise-reverse-time cas, one who's a bit younger, so it DOES have shock value to him both ways (that he loved a human, that he never tells him til the end). it also obviously yet strangely deeply upsets him that dean is like. fairly homophobic and reticent about it. 2) second is he gets his "what is the POINT of you" moment when cas is like. i can't take you back in time to fix things. i have to go where i am told i am needed. which is confusing because he's breaking out of free will for dean but whatever whatever. also one could argue his final act isn't free will anymore bc he's saving the michael sword like he was told to but get this: he's doing it with FULL knowledge of what plays out. the michael sword kills God, and Castiel sets him free on earth once more. and is it still free will to make the choice he knows the exact rote outcome of? take that to the stanford philosophy encyclopaedia idc rn beyond that, sketching the plot through s8-14 is more difficult. I think he is briefly human here, which doubles down traumatically because here he also isn't as free to travel as he did previously, but also, he knows he has to become an angel again, because he knows where he'll die. i do suppose once again free will wise he HAS to know he can change what he does, and that he may not end up exactly where he's seen, he can change his own future, but I also think on some level – that one act at least, and how it plays out, he knows is too close to him and him-and-dean to ever rewrite. the purpose of all this is, of course, to devise a narrative even more tragic than the original lines. because now not only do they not ever get to reciprocate textually out loud together, but their level of understanding of emotion is far flung out to the margins of their twelve years – even though dean is *told* to his face at the very START (with a heavy implication that this castiel has lived his whole life knowning dean eventually loved him just the same, remember), it takes him his entire twelve years to understand it fully, but by that point he is faced with a fresh faced soldier castiel, who squints his eyes and turns his head and spits out that even if he did pull him out of hell that long ago, he has the power to go back and throw him back in. but dean shakes his head wearily, no, he could but he wont. dean would remember it differently, if he had.

do they fuck in the middle, timewise, last five years style? who’s to say. i’ll never tell [I suppose logical plot thinking here actually means that what happened is: Cas was born before time, whatever etc, then around the events of the apocalypse s3, he is tasked to jump forward to the death of the Michael Sword on earth, if Cas pulls him out of hell. but in the process, jumping to an alternate world some 12 years in the future, he becomes so shocked by events and how Dean reacts to him that he’s the one to kill him, and becomes uprooted from his own time, no longer being able to travel in a stable sense. yes the mechanic onwards on this is very similar to turn of the earth here and i wholeheartedly recommend reading it it's really something. wait so also Cas is travelling with the guilt that he’s the one who kills dean. jesus. i dont have space for that in my head rn] [but, yes, wait, sorry. Castiel, this comparatively young and rigid soldier, travels forward, into a world where God is DEAD. And he sees the Michael Sword aand who looks at him with pity and love and weight and calls him Cas, tells him he loves him, Cas you need to know that, because Dean's seen it thrum under his skin since the day they met. His understanding, his perspective of Cas this entire time is that he is someone who knows Dean loves him, rather than anything else, but of course it took Dean 12 years to articulate and recognise that for himself] (and cas, in turn, a soldier, is told from the beginning that this human loves him, knows him, knows far too much of him that could ever be possible or even allowed, then lives his whole life out grabbing snatches of dean, chasing after him, wanting more, but always having to be the one to be wrenched away in duty to God or Time., as much as he still can, and through all of this, he learns he loves Dean too, as he brushes away the years and sees Dean as a younger man, sees him before the burdens of his later life. then he goes to his death, he saves him from hell, and pours out his heart – i know how you see yourself, dean.) like could i write this out as fic i couldnt. i could. but i cant. <3 in order of similarity go read a turn of the earth and crazy diamonds and epilogue yes maybe i have a type i think there’s a fourth im forgetting here

[kelsiersshadow]

i knew i shouldn’t have picked up a conjuring of light again cause now i’m done and the series is over and idk if i should start a new book or just ride this book hangover until i have to go to work tomorrow. so i’m gonna word vomit to no one about it to soothe my emotional wounds and also cause the crooked kingdom still has me feeling very irked on the subject of redemption and trauma. deeefinitely read the duology at the wrong age, cause now i have critical thoughts about healing and morally grey characters. obv spoilers for the whole shades of magic series below the cut.

anyway first off can i just say i am in love with the visuals in this series. it’s bloody!!! it’s so very gruesome and i think she handles the characters that get their free will taken from them in a very...i mean i felt like i was literally choking when i read any holland chapters. not just the ones with the danes but obv the ones with the danes. and rhy’s basically entire experience with pain...his devotion to the crown, even though originally he can be read as flippant and casual about his responsibility to rule but from the first book she does him great justice. he doesn’t have magic. so he learns languages and geography and he sneaks out and hangs with anyone and everyone and he forges admiration and love from his people.

im honestly totally enamored with rhy in general i feel like making the shiny happy charismatic puppy of a boy suffer so much was a direct attack on my emotions. and family! idc where you came from you’re my brother and that’s it. the sweetest parts of this series were any time kell and rhy thought about each other.

on a separate tangent i feel like it’s really hard to write the Badass Knife-Wielding Pirate Lady and give her actual faults. obv her commitment issues are on the top of that list but her recklessness is a very close second! sooo many times (esp when she entered the tournament) i felt kell’s level of exasperation. and not in a omg you’re so crazy uwu go off girlboss way but in a omfg lila stop you’re gonna LITERALLY die just hold on for a damn second way. her stubbornness, while i very much admired it, on occasion got annoying in a palpable way and idk i feel like she turned the badass trope on its head and went ok but did you ever consider they’re dumb adrenaline junkies?? it’s very very well done.

the way alucard unfolded was great. at first i was determined to dislike him cause he’s introduced when all i wanted was to find out that lila made her way back to london. and he takes her under his wing and that’s nice but i was waiting for the ulterior motive to drop. and then he’s fleshed out from rhy’s perspective. and you’re like ok wow so you’re cool but you’re a dick. got it. but you didn’t got it!!! he’s got wells of trauma too! his heart is broken! his actions were not his own when he left and he felt like he had to stay away! because no one wanted more than a passing fuck from him!! very well done development i had a great time.

i guess im gonna finish off by talking about kell and lila. like i knew they were ending up together but the way she played it out was glorious. you wait this whole time for them to just be in the same damn room again and then it’s just “hello” “hello” “dance with me”. asjdjfjdjssnjdjjsshhs the ballroom! she wears a dress and it’s not just performative she’s there cause she wants him to SEE the dress!! and boy does he!!! the second book honestly dragged a bit but not in a boring way just in a she has to build up the drama so it’ll go a little slower way.

and then BAM! end of the second book and it hits warp speed. “whatever i am, let it be enough”. to find him, to get to him, to save him. to stop rhy’s echoes as he dies. the entire ojka fight was one of the best lila scenes. then from the moment they’re back together it’s all nonverbal communication and i’ve got your back and the push and pull, the back and forth...god the whole third book. it’s like she knew she spent so much time keeping them apart and now that they’re together every second it’s tender and intense and they’re not questioning anymore. i reread things i had just read cause i wanted to be there and i wanted them to be there just a little while longer. it’s worth noting that i laughed my ass off during “stop fucking with the ship!” i am so grateful she let them laugh together. on the flip side, pairing kell’s stay with me with holland’s right after was evil and amazing.

i loved this series in so many ways. the whole thing was dark and depressing and so very beautiful. and i heard whispers about movies being made which is great 100% want the tumblr edits but im telling you right now if it’s not rated r for gore it’s gonna be terrible. you can skimp on the magic cgi they bleed to make things go boom and you need that

[dolansmith]

Thoughts on the “Trisha Drama”

I’m going to preface this with my previous thoughts of both sides. I didn’t know who Trisha was until after I found out about the vlog squad about a year ago. I didn’t mind her, i thought she brought out an interesting perspective to the group. Then I thought she was literally off her rocker. 

I loved the vlog squad bc I found them in a really difficult time in my life and they kept me from getting too deep into a depression. While I saw some of their mistakes, I saw the best in them all and hoped for change or at least some kind of accountability. 

This is gonna be really long and idk if anyone is even gonna read this/care lol but Im just so frustrated with a lot of the people that are into the vs. Like after really looking into everything that happened, I felt kind of ashamed to be backing the vs bc they’re doing some fucked up stuff tbh. 

So lets do a basic rundown of mistakes made. 

Mistakes in their public relationship:    -Trisha: made sexual jokes about jason’s friends, started arguments about her insecurities instead of starting a conversation.     -Jason: made sexual jokes about girl’s a decade younger than trisha (and 2 and a half decades younger than him), would complain about having to go do things trisha liked doing and would pout the whole time  (i.e. disneyland and a couple of the hamilton viewings), would egg on trishas insecurities, literally dumped her on a daily basis and call her crazy when she voiced said insecurities and then would basically get back together within an hour and practically give everyone whiplash, also talked about her weight and eating habits CONSTANTLY (fucking dick)    -David: inputted himself in their relationship, recorded their fights and encouraged their toxic behavior to both his friends and his audience

Mistakes in the “official” breakup:    -Trisha: talking about jason’s ex and kids, comparing david to ted bundy (a lil wild but tbh not that big of a deal bc no one actually believed thats what she meant but anyway), the brandon thing (we’ll come back to this)    -Jason: continuing to make jokes about fucking a 19/20 year old despite his gf saying she didn’t like it, not putting an end to David “pressuring him” to making said jokes, the brandon thing    -David: ignoring his “friend” when she said not to put something in his vlog, putting his image and career first

Mistakes after:    -Trisha: constantly going on rants about david and Jason.    -Jason: staying in contact with trisha secretly. (ill get back to this too)    -David: putting his image above all else. 

Now we’re going to get into some uncomfortable hot takes. I’m gonna get a whole lotta hate from stans but tbh idc anymore

The Brandon Thing (I’ve done some digging since her video exploding at Jeff): 

   -Brandon began a relationship with a high schooler. She was underage the first time they had sex. There’s receipts and timelines set up. I’d recommend Petty Paige’s Youtube video on it for specifics.     -Lot’s of vs fans say she only brought it up when her and Jason ended so that meant she didn’t really care, but I’d like to point out that she has stated (on more than one occasion) that she voiced her thoughts on this multiple times to the group in Private and no one cared. Y’all are always going on about how she should say whatever she has to say in private but when she does and is ignored, what then? Just a thought.     -Let’s also bring the rest of the vs up in this. How come none of them ever said anything? They’re the ones still out here tolerating him. Pretty hypocritical. I’m not gonna aim anything at the girls bc none of them have Brandon in their videos but the guys? Jeff, Jason, David, Todd and I think Scott too, have all had Brandon in at least one video. They’re out here talking shit about Trisha amongst each other but are friends with a predator? Lmao Okay, cool. 

Jason Keeping in Contact for months: 

   -This was dumb.     -As someone who has suffered from mental health issues and has been in a mental hospital and suffered from attachment AND abandonment issues, Trisha would’ve been better off had Jason ended things and kept them that way. Instead, he ended their public relationship and friendship. He kept her a secret from even his “friends” and then dragged on their “friendship” for months. For what? He should’ve just given her her things and closure and kept it pushing.     -On that, why did he keep her belongings for so long and refuse to give it back until she said something public about it? He ignored her calls and texts about her very expensive things for weeks. Then she made a video calling him out on it, and she got her stuff back.    -I’m seeing a pattern here, aren’t you?

The Jeff Thing (did some digging on him too...by digging i mean google):

   -This one makes my blood boil for several reasons. ESPECIALLY AFTER TODAYS VIDEO. It rlly put everything into perspective omg.     -The starbucks story that Trisha told was the same everywhere: ‘I saw Jeff at Starbucks and said hey. He ignored me and was such a pussy he left his order at the counter after having paid.’ His masculinity is SO FRAGILE that he twisted it into ‘I’m not gonna be fake with someone who fucked over my friend. Can’t fuck them up either tho lol’ and ‘i’m not gonna make shit easy on you, i’m gonna make them feel weird’. What a baby lmfao    -His assault joke rubbed me the wrong way. I know Jeff’s schtick is the whole “I was in jail for a few months and I was a drug dealer I’m big and scary” blah blah blah. Listen, I’ve met men that have been in jail longer (he was in for only 4 months he once said I think) and had worse upbringings than he did and HAD to do some of the shit Jeff was doing (which lemme remind yall, was on his own accord). The men that I know that have lived similar and worse lifestyles than Jeff, would never and I REPEAT NEVER, make a joke about assaulting a Woman over “fucking my friend over”, when the situation was what it was. Which was: an exposé, basically. That’s some petty shit, it’s for the birds. (Also, Todd and Jay’s jokes about the assault joke? Ain’t it. They were just as bad as Jeff’s original joke.)    -Do y’all know what Jeff’s been to jail for? He tried to assault someone that worked at a 7-Eleven after he and his dumbass friends were fucking around in the store and got yelled at and ended up assaulting a woman walking by.     -He also talked about her mental health issues. Maybe he wasn’t talking about her specifically, but it was REAL specific. He said that it was crazy that a “psychopath” that’s been in a mental hospital still had a platform on youtube. That they shouldn’t have one. Trisha made a really good point of, “some could say the same about your time in jail.” Because they could. And mental health can be managed. So can your outrageous anger issues, Jeff. This was really ignorant on his part.     -I also want to remind everyone about the time he said he didn’t understand how men could be sexually harassed. That all you had to do was say no.    -He says he likes to “make things awkward” and make everything a joke when really he’s just being ignorant and doesn’t want to get real hate when he gets inevitably called out

Trisha’s “Dirt”:

   -Trisha doesn’t know anything that the rest of us don’t. We’re just all IGNORING it. Why? Bc David’s charming and Todd and Jeff are pretty? Ridiculous. This is the last vlog squad post i’m going to make because I’m done. So the following is going to be a rundown on the “dirt” on them that made me come to the decision that I wouldn’t be supporting them anymore. I’ll also put my own thoughts and comments underneath in case y’all are curious. Staying silent about these situations is the same as complacency.     -Brandon Calvillo: Covered this but to reiterate, he dated a high schooler and slept with her/dated her knowing her age. He then lied about it in a video to cover his tracks.           *I am well aware that she was months from being 18. This doesn’t make it okay. What does a 26 year old have in common with a 17 year old? And just because this is the first girl we know about, doesn’t mean she’s the first at all or even the last.     -Durte Dom: He was accused of assault at vidcon.            *This hasn’t been confirmed. But it also hasn’t even been discussed. This girl is getting hate from vs stans and the vs have stayed silent. I can understand not wanting to show attention to people who make accusations for clout, but assault is serious and should at the Very Least be acknowledged privately or legally bc it could be considered slander. Don’t let your fans (or your friend’s fans) do your dirty work.      -Jeff Wittek: He has major anger issues. Makes jokes about assaulting women after actually having assaulted one in the past (accidentally but doesnt take away from what he did) and has made jokes about sexual harassment against men not being viable             *tbh he has a “pretty white boy complex”. Meaning he knows that he can say and do what he wants and most people will let it slide bc he’s a pretty white boy. No education needed.     -Jason Nash: Is friend’s with a predator, is quite possibly setting an awful example to his kids, namely his daughter.          *Listen. I’m a feminist, a woman should be able to decide what to do with her body after she turns 18. But being groomed and hit on by grown ass men when you’re barely legal, ain’t it. If you want to and feel ready, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it BUT 9.9 times out of 10, that fucks a woman up in the future. One day, she is going to see her dad hitting on a 19/20 year old Tana and see that her dad’s  26 year old best friend dated a 17/18 year old and lied about specifics and might think that’s normal and how men should treat her. I won’t support that shit.

And as for all the other member’s of the vs, they either don’t care enough about what their friends or friends’ friends are doing, or they’re not bothering to even consider it’s happening and that isn’t cool either. 

Be better. 

As for Trisha, she’s had her own faults and fuckups, no doubt about it. I’m not a big fan of her content but i FELT for her. Her name has been dragged through the mud because of this more than anything else and it doesn’t sit right with me when her only real fuckup in THIS situation was bringing the ex and kids into it the way she did. Everything else either could have been avoided or she had a right to say to the public since they put everything about the relationship out in the open as much as she did. If Jason and David had reached out and admitted their own mistakes and asked her to stop talking about them online the way she was, she probably would’ve chilled out. What happened, what they and their fans (us) have done has been nothing short of traumatizing, no doubt. The way these 30 year old boys (Jeff, Todd, Scott and Jay) are reacting to her? They’re the real joke if we’re being honest.

Note: I’d also like to say that if you do still support them and have differing views than I do, I’ll respect you and your views no matter what. Everyones entitled to their opinion and thoughts. These are just mine. 

[friendshipismuses]

((hey guys! so this blog’s dead as fuck. you’ve probably noticed. I never really intended for it to be as active and loved as my Trixie or AJ, hence why they have their own blogs, BUT BUT BUT.... all this talk of the final season’s got me itching to do stuff with other characters. ones i’m very bad and rusty with, but i’m here for fun.

I feel like what I should do is make a wishlist! below the cut are ships I’d like to write / ideas in general that I’d like to write for each character. HEADS UP, it’s mainly ships and nothing too substantial ghjgfhjsjds i’m bad with coming up with thread ideas w/o knowing what muse it’ll be with. but there’s a few vague ideas in there.

if you’re interested in anything don’t be shy! reply to this post, IM me, inbox me, whatever. we can talk about it! I’m open to doing similar things with multiple people, too! we can change it up a bit. I don’t think I plot nearly as much as I should / would like to due to anxiety. lol.

anyways! yeah. that’s it. it’ll be under the cut. BUT IN CASE YOU DON’T CARE FOR SPECIFICS-

in GENERAL just in case you don’t know what to hit me with, i’m mostly itching to write starlight, fluttershy, pear butter, capper, autumn, and ember!!! I just feel those muses the most. those are in no order. so if you’ve hesitated before, try one of those guys!))

Starlight Glimmer

honestly, anything really. I don’t have any specific ideas for her. 

ships are always welcome. I don’t have any that I’m dying to write for her, so I’m just open to discussing anything.

but just some threads with her pals would be nice.

Twilight Sparkle

hoo boy after that trailer this is a lot to think about, mainly because I haven’t written her that much and I haven’t gotten much of a feel for my portrayal in particular.

bUT i’m way open to talking about it! I’ve noticed she’s the muse that’s probably gotten the most attention here. to my surprise. I kind of just added her bc I felt like I could probably pull her off. now I’m unsure. I feel pressure. there’s so many amazing Twis.

I really really really wanna write some TwiPie, funnily enough that’s probably my most wanted thing with her rn. That’s just one of my favorite ships, and I think it’d be cute and interesting to see how it goes. 

other favorite ships are Twixie and TwiLuna, not itching as much to write those for some reason, but I figured it’s worth mentioning. but Twilight ships in general are pretty damn good.

other than that, same goes for Starlight, I’m open to discussing anything.

i think I’ll need to see how season 9 goes before I have more specific ideas on where to take her, so as of rn I’d mainly prefer to just write before that until it happens and I know all the context. 

Rainbow Dash

up for anything, again.

she’s another one I added bc I felt like I’d be able to handle her, but I really love her as a character, so of course yes she’s here. 

would jump at the chance for some FlutterDash probably, bc I like it a lot, but I could write it with her or my Shy. doesn’t really matter.

other than that, any ship, really, she’s very shippable. my dash is of course a flaming lesbian tho i will say that. most of my muses are bi / pan but idk. dash just. girls.

I do want to just write more of her in general. She hasn’t gotten a lot of love here. Give the Wonderbolt some love. Not too much tho it might go to her head.

Fluttershy

okay so I love Fluttershy ships, they’re so cute, how could you not

mainly though I think I’d most like to write Rarishy. besides FlutterDash. and like. again. I can do either end of that. Rarishy’s a big want for some reason.

platonic Fluttercord is my shit! I love them! I don’t really ship it anymore for reasons mainly regarding the fandom, but anything can happen I guess. It really just depends if she clicks with a particular Discord enough. it’s just not something I’ll probably want to do right away if ever. I’m cool with Discords who have a crush on her tho, just know as of rn mine doesn’t see him in a romantic light. Just a best friend.

stuff with the animal sanctuary! they haven’t really mentioned that again I don’t think, but I really liked that idea.

Fluttershy is one of the characters that made me make this blog, bc I really wanted to write her but not enough to give her her own blog. so if you throw literally anything at Fluttershy I’ll probably never be mad. I like writing her.

Rarity

alright. so I love Rarity. but I added her later bc I always felt like I wouldn’t write her well. but the lack of Rarity here makes me depressed, so I decided I’d like to try my best!!!

would really enjoy to write Capperity, Rarijack, or again, Rarishy.

but other than that of course feel free to hit me up. those are just my favorites.

Pear Butter

Y’ALLLLLLL

anything

more specifically, I’d love to do threads with any Apples!!! naturally. past threads or AU threads. I have verses for either.

not really that open to shipping her with anyone other than Bright Mac, but I have a verse where they did split up in case someone hits me with something good. all you have to really do is ask.

I’d also like to do threads with just about any character, tbh! I love her and I’m itching to see her interact with everyone, be it past versions or current. Please please throw anyone at her. 

IF YOU INTERACT WITH MY APPLEJACK BLOG, I’ll definitely write with that in mind, if you’d like. Like, some AU threads, since I do like to mainly keep her parents being gone a thing over there. But it’d make my heart happy to see her interact with AJ’s friends, even more so my AJ’s friends.

Capper Dapperpaws

I love this boy so much. He’s one of my favorite characters. I had my own blog for him but lost the login like an idiot. I just think I’m shit at writing him.

BUT THAT WON’T STOP ME FROM DOING IT

threads with him spending time in Equestria. learning how things work. being accepted and loved like he deserves. having a good time. all that jazz.

honestly kind of would like to write him as eventually somehow earning up enough to come and stay in Ponyville. anyone have any morally correct jobs for him?

just get him out of Klugetown tbh it’s no good for the poor baby.

but like. i’m 100% down for threads in Klugetown despite that.

I can probably come up with more specific ideas if you just wanna plot! I really beat myself up over not remembering how to get into the account I had just for him, truly. if I ever figure it out I’ll move him back there, no questions asked.

ANYWAYS as mentioned above I’d love to write Capperity. but tbh I’d be interested in shipping him with a lot of characters. so don’t feel afraid to ask!! also I’d shamelessly write more Trixie/Capper from the other perspective. my favorite extremely rarepair.

Princess Skystar

SKYPIE! 

ok that’s it you can go

jk but goshhhh do I love that ship.

anyways, she’s another one I really haven’t written much. a shame. I want threads with the birb / fish. 

show her around Equestria or she can show you around her home! doesn’t matter!

Ember

another character that was a driving decision for this blog

I just wanna write about her learning how to be nicer, how to be the best ruler for her subjects

making friends, perhaps more than friends,

don’t really have any ships in particular for her, but i’m so down for suggestions, i think she’d be very interesting to ship with a lot of characters.

just dragon talk, man. i love dragons. i just wanted a dragon muse, now i’ve got one, and i’ve been neglecting her.

please send ember literally anything oh my god. 

Autumn Blaze

THIS CUTIE. i knew instantly that i’d make her a muse. i just don’t know if i’ll be any good with her yet. kinda added her right before being inactive. if she starts getting attention i’m definitely going to rewatch the episode for good measure.

just be her friend please. listen to her ramble on. she just wants somebody to listen.

would really like to write some Autumnjack tbh. I like that ship. you can hit my Applejack up with it too if you write Autumn, idc.

as usual other ships are fine, throw ideas at me.

really wanna see her just. interact with others. since she kinda didn’t for a while lmao. also the kirin are just so interesting. let her talk to you about them.

[shultzing]

7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good. 

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible? 

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort? 

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic. 

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart. 

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that. 

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?” 

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet. 

[aceaaroniscanon]

hey im a trans guy and your trans twins fic is unrealistic and transphobic as FUCK, please dont ever write that again, like reading that literally triggered my dysphoria which rarely happens anymore with that shit but holy fuck referring to a trans guy's chest like that is gross even if youre writing them sayin it. even if the mod who wrote it is a trans guy you should consider how triggering it can be for others. and idc if anons ask you for that, its fetishistic and insulting.

hey, sj here, resident nb salt. im opening this to say that we're sorry to have triggered any dysphoria. that's not really what this blog is all about, we're not really making content to offend people. in fact, we're here to make content we want to see. sam and i, the authors of the trans!andrew series (me being most of the trans twins content creator) created the series to look at something from a new perspective, to branch out from all the cis gay ships in our life.

that said, we're not responsible for what you read, just like you're not responsible for what message we want to portray in our works. our intentions for writing the series was for some kind of sexual freedom and representation. if it seemed fetishistic, insulting, transphobic, or unrealistic to you, then that's totally valid. but pinning us as being those traits for writing those things isn't fair for either of us.

if you'd noticed, we stopped the nsfw trans twins fics by june of 2017. by may, i'd been noticing that our anons and requesters began seeing the trans twins au as a kind of nsfw scapegoat and i wasn't about it so i told sam it was making me uncomfortable, they said they noticed it too, and we stopped writing it for people. if we had a whim to write more of it, then we'd do it without pressure. even without the sex.

if that doesn't clear some things out, i would be glad to discuss this off-anon. it'd be kind of one-sided if you just keep anon-ing us. if not, well, sorry but we won't be entertaining any of your messages on anon.

(also, shoutout to @stylishsquid for giving us messes some guidance while answering this. thanks for being our resident wife :*)

[dreadhaus-literature]

Bye Bye, Decade!

Like I said, I like doing these things. ✧٩(ˊωˋ*)و✧

First things first, did you have a good year?

Uhm, haha, to be honest, no! No, I don’t think this year was one for the record. It was one of the harder years I’ve experienced in the past decade, especially the latter half. I’ve said it recently but I haven’t felt right since May/June.

Lost some spring in my step this year. Still trying to find it again.

How old did you turn this year?

I turned 30! Pretty neat, actually, felt super...idk, official? Felt good to be out of my 20′s, anyway.

Do you feel your age?

To be honest, I don’t really know what “30″ is supposed to feel like. I’ve never made a huge deal about my age, I just act how I feel any given moment of any given day.

Did your appearance change in anyway?

I went full mohawk this year, but that was earlier in the year. I’m growing my hair back out, now.

It’s looking a little untamed, actually. ƪ(‾ε‾“)ʃ

If you traveled, where did you go?

I went to Chicago over the Summer.

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

I’m too lazy to get up and get it but I got a “Mama Bear” shirt for myself a couple months ago and it’s currently my favorite piece of clothing, just because that’s...well, that’s the best part about myself, I think. Being the Mom friend.

What song sums up this year for you?

“LIFE” by HEALTH.

If I can ever stop cutting myself, I want to get the lyric, “Life is strange, but it’s all we’ve got,” over the scars.

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?

VOL.4 :: SLAVES OF FEAR by HEALTH

What was your favorite movie of the year?

Oh, pfft, Captain Marvel!!! Or Endgame, even though it shattered my heart into a billion pieces.

Still love you, Thanos. (♥ω♥*) Idc what the rest of the fandom says.

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?

Yeah, Brie Larson. I mean she was amazing in Skull Island but I watched that movie for King and Tom, but she was 10000/10 choice for Carol and finding out she’s so pro-feminism and just civil rights in general really made me fall for her in a big way.

Favorite new TV show?

The Mandalorian really surprised the fuck out of me for holding my attention, and though I’ve only seen the first ep, the new Harley Quinn show was really funny.

Oh, Bless the Harts, too. Surprisingly hilarious.

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears?

I don’t ship, but I got deeper into DC this year, really integrating it alongside Marvel now and that’s been nice. ♥

What food did you try for the first time?

Oh man, I tried these uhm...Chinese-style pancakes (savory, not sweet) in Chicago and right now I can’t think of what they were called but it made me regret my baby tummy, because I wanted to just sit and eat them until I exploded.

Did you make any big permanent changes this year?

Nah, I don’t think I did. Nothing comes to mind anyway.

What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

Well, just over the weekend was Bestie’s birthday, and I was pretty pleased with how that turned out. ( ᐛ )و She seemed happy, anyway!

What was one nice thing you did for yourself?

(」゜ロ゜)」i...don’t know. Not cut myself?

Did you develop a new obsession?

New? I don’t think so, I’m pretty...hm. Idk the word, I hyper-focus on my stuff and that’s pretty much where I sit.

To put it in a perspective, I’m fine playing with my same ol’ toys, I don’t tend to go back to the toy box to find new ones. Besides, with the fandoms I’ve got, there’s always some new, under-appreciated gem waiting to surge back up to the forefront.

Did you vote?

Nah, ‘rents tried but I couldn’t be fucked. I worked.

I’ll go out for 2020.

Did you move?

(;¬_¬)

Did you get a job?

Yeah. Not much to write home about, there.

Did you get a pet?

I did not! I had the opportunity to get half-sphynx kittens from a friend but Phoenix doesn’t get along with other cats and I refuse to put her through that again. She was miserable the first time I tried and with my current living arrangement and not being home to monitor...it wouldn’t have worked.

Do you regret not doing anything?

Like every other goddamn year of my life, I should have written more.

Do you regret doing something?

Actually, yeah. I thought I didn’t have anything to put here, I tend to lead a pretty well-thought out life, I think about everything before I do it, but I do have a regret from this year.

I regret giving up on writing as much as I did.

I didn’t have to, but I did. I knew I’d look back on the last year and have this regret and I was right. I kicked ass at the beginning of the year and then I let my environment influence me to give up when I could have, should have, kept going.

Have you done anything that scared you?

Nah, that’s not who I am. Mom friend, remember?

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

Haha...yeah. Grudge holder with infinite memory storage and rumination/over-thinking habits and a god-awful family.

Bad combo.

Did you lose anyone close to you?

I don’t have enough people close enough to me for this to really apply, so no.

Did you fall in love?

With fictional characters? Yep.

With a real person? No.

Did you fall out of love?

No one to fall out of love with, unless you want to count re-reading the Civil War and me glaring at Steve and Tony for a month and a half.

Did you start a new relationship?

There’s new characters lining the walls of my brain but otherwise, nah, son. Reality and I don’t really cross paths as far as “relationships” go.

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it?

Yeah, I want a chance to redo this writing thing. Every year I let go without doing anything productive toward my goals of either enjoying my fandoms or working on getting published seems like such a waste to me and I hate it.

I work a job I hate, I’m stuck financially, and the one thing I know I want to do with my life...I’m not doing. It’s so fucking stupid it makes me cross-eyed when I think how often I just shrug and not do shit.

What was the best moment of the year for you?

It’s going to sound stupid, but Captain Marvel was a huge deal for me. I cried watching the red carpet premiere and I cried twice in the theater. I love Carol, I’ve loved Carol for years and years and I never thought the MCU would do well enough for me to get a movie that was all hers. To see her up there, to see Brie Larson portraying her and doing it so well, it was a huge deal to me. It still is.

I still feel that excitement.

What was the worst?

I’m not elaborating anymore than to say May/June was the lowest I’ve been in a long, long time.

What are you most proud of accomplishing?

I haven’t cut myself this year.

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

That just when you think you can’t take it anymore, that you’re at the end of the rope...there’s still a little left. You can still go a little further.

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

Haha, yeah. I understand Steve Rogers more the second read-through of Civil War than I did the first time I went through it.

I still would have hit him in the head with his own shield, but, you know, the scales are more even between him and Tony, now.

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse?

Nah.

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

Lol. I made a resolution to write every day at the beginning of the year and for three solid months, yeah, I wrote every day.

But then I stopped.

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

Write.

I mean it. Write.

Take care of yourself.

Aim for Two Years.

Get back on medication.

What do you wish for others for the coming year?

Happiness. It’s cheesy, maybe even cliche, but it’s the hardest thing in the world to get and harder to hang onto. And in the end, really it’s all that matters.

What do you wish for yourself?

The same. Happiness.

It’s about time I got some.

[jesss23]

Let go & let God

Today, I am so greatful. I just was thinking a lot today and remembering that only a little over a month and a half ago my life and everything, person, all my worries and struggles everything was so different, and so so much more incredibly difficult in every way. In such a short amount of time with just one moment of dropped-pride reopened the door with my family again, and while readjusting to having them be a huge part of my life again when before we were completely estranged for almost four or five whole months, and that obviously meant there was a lot of issues for that to come about and be that way and there's still such a long journey ahead to complete forgiveness and open hears but every single day instead of further away I am actually get closer and closer to the end of the journey and I have finally changed so much about my perspective and my thinking, I finally evaluated each person I allowed close to me and capable of effecting me and my progress and every person that brought about any negativity I have finally removed and with pain even sometimes but I am finally in a place where I can say I am progressing I am doing the next right thing I know always and I still make mistakes sometimes and I still fuck up but I don't keep fucking up when I do once in a blue moon I just let it go and learn the lesson it brought, I have finally learned how to let go of people and all the negativity of the memories I have of the hurt or anger or whatever they caused me I released so much weight from my heart and soul and I am for the first time in my entire life focused solely on myself, I put myself first in every consideration and I do only what is best personally for me, not meaning that idc for others but as of right now I only truly care for a small select few, all the others I thought i cared so much for and allowed my love for them to bring about disappointment or pain or hurt or anything of the sort I have removed completely from entire being and I've washed myself of all hatred even my own person self hatred and I am gaining more confidence and more knowledge in and of myself and who I am every day and I am just on a straight shot to nowhere but up and it's new for me and I'm not letting myself worry about this not lasting bc of corse it won't always be so much so fast I just had so much catching up to do the universe is giving me a huge helping boost and I am just so greatful. I am thankful that I see my family and spend time with them and have somewhere I can always be at and feel safe and I have support and love and I was without that so long I forgot that even as fucked up as we are as a unit, we love the fuck out of each other and not a single one of any of us is in any way a bad person we all have huge hearts we just have issues but who doesn't. My family is finall progressing as well my mom is so much better off she has come so far and I couldn't be more proud my dad is the inspiration of my whole life as far as character and being reliable and smart and having such an amazing amount of ambition and work ethic I try my best to let that rub off and it finally is in so many ways, I'm so thankful I have a steady job and not so many struggles as far as just basic human necessities, but I am thankful for the experience of that four months it truly changed every fiber of my whole being and every ounce of my soul, not a single piece or part of me is anywhere near the person I was and I am bettering myself everyday I can finally say proudly and genuinely and I am just on a high right now and I still have so many struggles and issues and I still get upset sometimes but I think so differently it's not even released in the same manner anymore I communicate so much better and I just feel so good about who I am becoming and it feels so amazing to actually like myself. Soon enough I restart school I will be clear minded enough and have enough maturity now to actually do well and give my all to it which is who I really am I really fucked my brain up and changed all of my characteristics with drugs for so long too long and it took me years to really see it and the reality of the extent it went to and to finally be feeling like my actual real self again I can't fathom how I didn't see it for so long but I won't let myself lose my identity to anyone or anything ever again. And after years of physical mental and emotional severe and serious af abuse I am finally free completetely of that person and of every single emotion they ever made me feel or thought about myself or my family or anyone else they made me have and I can honestly say I don't even think of this person anymore barely ever. I just have so fucking much to be greatful for even tho this month has been so incredibly hard; I still have so much and so far to go but damn am I proud and so fucking ecstatic to be where I am now and how far that means I've come .