#the posts i make at 5 am while (failing to) study for my dynamics final

[l33n1s]

Roddy is who Shen Yuan thinks he is

[wordsinwinters]

Then Again, Part 26 (Peter Parker x Reader)

Masterlist (with AO3 links)

Total word count: 50,293

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25,

Summary: After an intense argument and a forced-to-share-the-bed situation during their junior year decathlon trip, Peter and the Reader examine their faults and failings. As they attempt to fix their mistakes and improve their friendship, that friendship quickly begins to evolve into something else.

Slow burn fic in which all characters are included and their dynamics explored; multiple character POVs.

Betas: @girl-tips-from-satan and @fanboyswhereare-you

A/N: This isn’t my favorite chapter, but it’s been sitting in my drafts for over a year and I figured if I don’t post it now, I’ll never move on to the next. Additionally, as always, I live for feedback. 😉

Without further ado,

Then Again Part 26:

(Words: 2,825)

The bus ride will probably get boring soon, or at least as long as the girls stay asleep, but even as quiet as it is, it’s almost a perfect morning. Being early (around 6:00, I think?), there’s barely any light except street lamps and car lights, but some of the clouds on the right have caught a pretty bluish purple tinge. It reminds me of that Rainbow Fish book Aunt May used to read to me as a kid. To make it better, the morning air is chilly enough that the driver turned the heaters on low so it’s wrapped-in-a-blanket-while-it-snows warm in here. Although that also might be why, apart from general dirt and old gum, the strongest smell on the bus is salty grease— since the nearest heater is under the seat Flash spilled french fries and chicken nuggets in yesterday. It could be worse, though. I mean, it’s not necessarily a bad smell and the traffic isn’t horrible. It’s not the best, but it could definitely be louder and a lot slower. The field of flowing red tail lights ahead of us is oddly comforting, like a snail-slow pasture of mechanical color. 

All in all, it’s a pretty cozy start for a dreaded five hour bus ride. It’s giving me quiet time to think. So that’s where I’m at. Or should be. I got some stuff organized in my head last night even if I keep getting distracted now. Well, it was more like a couple hours ago, since I wasn’t able to get to sleep for so long after we said goodnight. But anyway, I’m trying to focus. It’s just hard, even with both of them sleeping.

From my and Ned’s spot behind them, watching the girls’ heads gently shake and bump against each other as the bus shudders through potholes is kind of calming. They seem so peaceful from this angle, like two people who’ve never pranked me and Ned to the point we were nearly suspended, or kept us awake and annoyed by asking paradoxical hypothetical questions because they know how Ned and I will argue for days if we don’t agree on an answer, or anything else like that. It’s like finding two mischievous cats sleeping, curled up on a chair. It’s easier to appreciate them when they aren’t causing chaos. But it’s not that hard to appreciate them when they are anyway.

Though Ned and I won’t admit it when they’re fully awake, seeing their heads smack into the seat in front of them each time the bus lurched to a halt at stoplights (during the first ten minutes after they’d fallen asleep) was funnier than it should’ve been. Even knowing then that we wouldn’t mention it later didn’t stop us from exchanging silent laughs when they leaned back up, muttering unintelligible complaints before settling their heads back onto one another. For the last couple stoplights before the highway, at least, we decided to be better friends. We both stood up with one leg on the floor and one knee on our own seat so we could easily hold their foreheads back each time it happened. Again, I wouldn’t admit this out loud, even to Ned, but it’s a little bit funny that Ned was a split second slower than me, so while I kept catching MJ’s head before the stop, he half-smacked Y/N’s forehead, like a really-close-to-the-floor basketball dribble, and made a wincing face each time. A lot of times. But it did stop her from colliding with the seat, and she didn’t wake up or complain. 

As nice as it is with them and almost everyone else sleeping through the dark, quiet first hour of the bus trek back to New York, I am excited for her and MJ to wake up. Whenever that is. I’ve missed them. 

But anyway, I really need to focus. God. I’m not doing a great job of that this morning. Apparently. So I’m focusing now. It’s like Ned said. I need to be honest with myself. 

Okay. 

Alright. 

No distractions. 

I’m going to set myself straight now, before we get back, so I can make a game plan and be more decisive and make less mistakes. Fewer? Yeah, fewer mistakes. She’s told me that half a dozen times this since she read that grammar book last summer. But that’s not important.

If I’m being honest... I think I’ve avoided the real possibility that things could work out between us because it felt too risky. And I make some dumb, impulsive choices. So that’s saying a lot. If she said no, what’s the worst that could happen? May and Ned have been asking me that for months, and it’s been so frustrating. The answer should be obvious. The worst thing wouldn’t be the rejection, it’d be if it made her uncomfortable and she broke off our friendship. Or, even if she stuck around, if our friendship changed and I had to watch her get more and more distant, knowing it was my fault and nothing would ever go back to normal. 

Those were the worst — and, I thought, most probable — possibilities. For months I’ve been certain that if anything changed, everything would, and it’d all go to shit. So I kept dodging it. And dodging her before the trip. But, then, things did change this weekend. Things are changing. We fought, and it was super shitty and awful and a total nightmare fiasco, but we made up. And she seemed almost as relieved as me when we did. Now we even have this pact about spending more time together. I know it’s officially only in the name of friendship, but something’s… different. I feel it, and I think she does too. And it doesn’t seem bad. That’s the craziest part. I mean, she even kissed me last night. On the cheek, but still. “Keep it.” Maybe May’s not ridiculous: she really might feel the same way. 

I’ve been texting her this morning, actually. Aunt May. I had to admit that I’m happy she forced me to do the forehead kiss thing last night. As annoyed as I was that she and Ned ganged up on me like that, I can’t dispute the results. She kissed me! Kind of. (To be fair, she did hit my mouth a little bit even if it was an accident.) At first it made me wonder if she heard any of Ned’s shout-comments before I could turn the t.v. up to cover what he was saying. But I doubt it. Even if she felt the same way, I know her too well to think she wouldn’t freak out more and enough that it’d be noticable. Yeah, no, I’d definitely have been able to tell if she’d heard him saying things like, “Nobody’s saying you have to tell her that you googled the probability of high school sweethearts getting married that time she saved your ass on that Bronte essay, but yeah, Aunt May’s right! Just ask her to come over and either talk to her or do the hair/forehead thing!” Anyway, May’s on board with her coming over a lot this week and next week and giving us some space. So are Ned and MJ. Ned said they agreed on giving us two weeks (starting tomorrow) without them hanging out after school. And who knows, if the dance goes really well, maybe it’ll be normal for us to hang out, just us, without the whole group. Because… well, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. 

I’ll admit, they’re the best friends I could ever have. All three of them. 

And it’s nice to have them all here now, Ned to my left and the girls in front of us. It’s even nicer to be outside of class or the city or crazy study sessions and have had a short breather from all that (despite the shitshow before we smoothed things over and could enjoy it). To be somewhere chill together. Yesterday and today probably feel even better because the last few days, or even weeks… no— months, if I’m being honest— have had me in a kind of less than happy place. But that’s over now. We’re all here and things are finally good. I just wish the girls would wake up, especially since Ned’s back on his phone. Again. 

Yesterday, everybody hung out for most of the afternoon, but being in the whole decathlon group isn’t the same as just being the four of us. Or two. 

Speaking of two— Ned being away during this next week or two is going to make everything so… unfiltered. New. Without his interference and being able to talk to him as often as normal, it’ll mostly just be her and me. Nobody to distract attention or blame stuff on or help me out when I’m doing something dumb (which is often). Like, for example, last night when I maybe let my excitement get the better of me and I might’ve jumped on the bed and thrown a pillow that accidentally broke the lamp on the nightstand. While I don’t really think writing that “Bill Mr. Harrington” note with the school’s address was Ned’s best idea, it helped me not care too much, enough that I didn’t do something dumber like actually tell Mr. Harrington. It might come back to bite us, though. Still, he was genuinely helpful this morning when Flash showed up too. 

While we were hanging out in the girls’ room waiting for them to finish packing, there was a knock on the door. I figured it was Mr. Harrington about to yell at me and Ned for the broken lamp, so I motioned to Ned to shut up and move closer to the head of the bed we were already sitting on where, courtesy of the wall between the bedroom and bathroom, he wouldn’t be able to see us as long as he stayed by the doorway. MJ gave us an odd glance before she got up to answer it. Her annoyed, “What are you doing here?” didn’t immediately disqualify Mr. Harrington, but the sound of Flash’s voice saying, “I, uh, brought you guys some muffins,” made me tense at the first syllable.

“The free muffins they give us for breakfast?”

MJ’s dripping sarcasm nearly made me laugh even though I couldn’t see her, but Y/N turning from her suitcase and walking over to join them killed it still in my throat. 

“Nope,” he said. “They’re fancy muffins from a bakery a few miles away.”

I wanted to roll my eyes out of my skull.

She may not like him, but that doesn’t mean I was wrong about him being into her. What a dumb way to impress someone. “Fancy muffins.”

“Expensive?” MJ asked. Even without seeing her face, I could tell she was giving him the squint death stare. It’s scary to have to respond to that face if you don’t know what the right answer is.

“Yes, especially with the delivery fee,” he said, sounding prepared for the question, “but they’re from a small local place, not a chain, which I figured you guys would appreciate. Actually, I think you’d like the woman who owns it, she was super grouchy and hard to convince.”

“Convince?”

“They don’t normally deliver at 5 in the morning.”

“Oh, so you thought you could just—”

“What kind did you get?” 

That’s one of the things I like about Y/N. She knows how to manage tempers and when to jump in; she has Flash and MJ down to a science. In that moment, though, I wanted MJ to fire her most confrontational questions at him with no mercy.

“Well, they’re all apology muffins—” I heard MJ scoff. Exactly. She gets it. “But I got blueberry, chocolate, obviously, coffee, cranberry orange, maple, I think that one has chicken in it or something, and banana nut.”

Ned and I turned towards each other with silent smirks at the last one. It’s a dumb joke, but under normal circumstances we’d never resist—

“Cool. Since you’ve brought so many, you can come in.”

Sometimes MJ drives me up the wall. This was one of those times. 

I mentally took back my agreement with her scoff.

The three of them came into the room, and for a couple seconds, Flash didn’t see us. The girls were closer to the window than they were to the wall and the bed Ned and I were sitting on, and he didn’t look behind him. Until MJ pointed us out directly.

“You can give them some too,” she said, her expression bordering on smug. “Apology muffins, right?”

Flash froze for a second. I straightened my back. Neither Ned or I said anything.

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “Of course.”

Surprisingly, he shook his shoulders like a bug just buzzed by his head and walked over, opening a giant rectangle of a box up to us. 

“Take however many you guys want.”

I stared at him, not moving. Nobody flinched. Then I realized he was tapping the side of the box with his thumb. Not in an asshole come on, hurry up way, but in an anxious way. Just as I started to reach toward the box, Y/N asked:

“Why’d you get so many of the coffee ones?”

Flash looked away at just the right second. 

Did I technically cave first by reaching into the box? Yes. But did anyone see? No.

Although, I guess he technically caved by offering us the muffins in the first place. Ha. All the same, I took a blueberry one. 

“They’re my dad’s favorite. I wanted to surprise him, you know? But I can’t even get a hold of.... Um, are your guys’ parents going to pick you up when we get there, or are you actually staying for school?”

“Staying.”

“All of you?” 

He looked around to ask all of us, even me and Ned. We all nodded. When he looked at me, though, his eyes twitched. It’s a face I’ve gotten a lot before. He realized he said parents. 

“You said these are orange cranberry?” Ned asked, pointing. 

Flash nodded. 

“They’re solid, though the banana nut ones are probably the best.”

As I said, under normal circumstances, like if one of the girls had said it, I would’ve laughed right then, but I’m not used to laughing around Flash. Ned, who usually follows that same rule, shook his head and grinned, if a little bit... nervously?

“Hell no!” he said, pretending to be mildly outraged. “I’m not eating banana-bust-a-nut muffins.”

A second surprise: Flash tilted his head and paused, clearly as stunned to be told a joke by Ned as the rest of us were to witness it— and laughed. So did everyone else. It was only for a few seconds, like literally three quick seconds, but for the first time for as long as I can remember, all of us were laughing with Flash. It stopped almost as soon as it started. 

Tension crept back in soon so he left pretty quickly after that with an awkward, “See you guys in a few.” Thank god. 

The girls finished tidying their room and going over the homework that’s due today (which we did last week since we knew we’d never get it done on the trip), before forcing me and Ned into the hallway so Mr. Harrington wouldn’t need to check our room for us and potentially find the broken lamp. 

And then, pretty soon, we ended up on the warm bus, loaded in with everyone else. It seemed like everybody but Ned and I were too quiet and sleepy and squinty to be able to talk much before dozing off or staring blankly out the window or scrolling social media on their phones, the latter two options leading to the first in most cases. At this point, I think Ned, Flash, and I are the only ones still awake. 

I’m going to work at tolerating him. As long as he doesn’t cross any lines with anybody from now on, I won’t bait him either. (Admittedly, I’ve been guilty of that, especially recently.) I mean, his comment about his dad was hard to miss. And even when he said it, it wasn’t a shock. Everyone in our grade at some point has had to listen to Flash’s rambling excuses for his parents ignoring or forgetting to show up for school events. Maybe being a dick is just hereditary for him. Or a family tradition. 

I don’t remember how I got so off track. Where was I before? Oh yeah. Risk. Possibilities. The almost-worst case scenario that turned out not so bad. It’s been a messy weekend with plenty of re-evaluating, but the point is simple: I think I’ve got to give a few new things a try, and I’m excited to have a chance over the next couple weeks.

Next update: God only knows.

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[animaniachan]

A3! Act 3 Episode 9 Summary

Please read through this note before you start reading the summary!

whhhhew, finally finished episode 9 and THE EMOTIONS ARE ROLLING-😭😭

but ofc being the maniac that i am ive decided to provide a full summary of episode 9 for those who are interested!

Be warned that this is MAJOR STORY SPOILERS so i would recommend you be at least finished act 2 and all the events leading up to it before you read this. Otherwise you’ll probably have a hard time understanding the full context of things.

The last note I want to make is that this won’t be a detail-for-detail summary! I still want to keep things decently vague so people can still have the joy of experiencing the story for themselves while still providing adequate information to clear up any confusions and speculations. This summary will basically be a rough outline of the story that highlights some of the major events that went on. This summary will follow the order of how the episode played out, all the events will be listed in order.

Ofc, if anybody has any specific questions regarding the story that they want clarified or just simply want to discuss episode 9: always feel free to shoot in an ask or dm me! I’m always happy to provide with information and/or rant about these precious boys!

Well, without further ado, here y’all go~~

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST AND MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD~

the new groups of people now are the following:

High schoolers- Yuki/Muku/Azami/Kumon

Yosei University- Juza/Tsuzuru/Tenma/Taichi

Amabi- Kazunari/Banri

Adult group is still adult group~~

Apparently Tenma’s parents decided it would be a good idea to let him attend university so it was decided on the spot that he would be going through exams. He had to get Chikage to tutor to barely scrape by passing bc of how busy he was. Taichi on the other hand....Tsumugi the GOAT-

Omi now works as a professional photographer through a job his friend introduced him to.

Masumi decided to go to Fuyou University which is Tasuku and Tsumugi’s old university to study. Misumi’s brother, Madoka, also studies there. Although Madoka does not look like it, he’s actually 19... I know...

Azami decided to attend the same high school as Kumon which warms my heart honestly bc it just showed how good of friends they’ve become <3~~ Here’s his new uniform look <333

not sure how i feel about the red hoodie but eh, boy can pull it off so it doesn’t matter aha~

Guy is apparently opening up a new Zahra style bar with the help of the winter troupe members such as Homare who introduced him to an interior design company (same company that installed that brick wall in his room orz). Hisoka will also be helping out in Guy’s bar.

The entirety of Reni’s backstory (5 episodes in total) which describe his initial meeting with Yukio during high school to how they built Mankai together was described through the format of portraits (the autumn troupe signature). HIs backstories are basically just narrations of Act 3 1/2 if any of you read that when it was first posted.

Reni’s real name is apparently “Kamikizaka Reiji” and “Reni” is a nickname that Yukio gave him in high school bc Yukio thought that his real name was too hard to write out in kanji and pronounce lolol.

Reni keeps a journal which documents his time with Yukio (basically Act 3 1/2) in a safe in his office.

Kasumi’s nickname back in the day was apparently “Juriko”: stems from “Juliette” and “ko” which is a way to feminize someone’s name in Japanese. This was because he was the crossdresser that had to play Juliette in the OG spring troupe RomiJuri- heh.

 Shifuto is now the new “top” in GOD Troupe after Tasuku and Haruto who got demoted.

FRIEND ANGST BETWEEN AZAMI AND SHIFUTO HNGHHH and that’s all I’m willing to say oop-

GOD Troupe challenged Mankai to an act-off once again and this time appointed Tsumugi as the lead and Tasuku to be in the play and the theme as “devil” and thus...Devil Tsumugi was born.

The company was initially debating on whether to accept the challenge or not but Tsumugi and Taichi desperately wanted to show Reni who they have become as an actor and prove him wrong on all the things he’s said to them. Basically, everyone who was casted for this play had their own reasons on why they wanted to act.

Misumi’s dad’s name is revealed to be “Kusumi” which literally means nine-points/sides and I- top 10 betrayals? I was certain that his name will have something to do with a square but apparently not-

Although it was briefly revealed during Sky Pirates, Misumi’s dad is the official script writer for GOD Troupe. However, it is shown here that he has absolutely no talent in writing so what he does is get Madoka to act as his ghostwriter and write for him.

Hence this birthed Madoka’s complex of wanting to write in his own free will and not under the control of his father. Since everything he writes gets “edited” by his father but everything his father edited gets rejected by Reni and so Madoka has to fix it himself anyways.

Returning to backstory, Reni revealed that Yukio legit went to visit Misumi’s grandpa (Hakkaku) as a senior high school student to ask him for a script. As a note, Hakkaku was already a very famous script writer at that time and age wise he is about what both their dads would be. Ofc he was refused many times but Yukio wouldn’t give up and would not stop pestering Hakkaku until he finally caved in.

Honestly I loved the autumn and winter troupe dynamic throughout this entire episode- just the way they supported Taichi and Tsumugi is just-

Kumon had to act as the mediator between Azami and Shifuto to try and recover their friendship and the entire process was hilarious.

Yukio and Reni were actually Yuzo and Kasumi’s high school seniors at Nanakusa High. Yuzo was the “ghost member” that was only member of drama club in-name only that was mentioned earlier.

NAMIKAWA DAISUKE’S VOICE IN KASUMI- *deaded counter x1* as a tiny side note: i realized half way through that Tezuka (Reni), Sanada (Yuzo), and Ootori (Kasumi) were in the same high school together bc of their seiyuus. This is for my TeniPuri fans out there haha~~

During their last performance in high school, Yukio and Reni got boycotted by the other junior members right before their play. Reni ended up forcing a reluctant Yukio to go at speak act out the monologue Hakkaku provided for them and everybody ended up being overwhelmed by Yukio’s performance.

This is what ended up making Reni dedicate his post high school life creating Mankai with Yukio, he wants to see Yukio act on stage again. He describes Yukio’s acting as “someone who was chosen by God” and even went as far as using his own money his parents gave him when they kicked him out (strict family bs) to build the initial theatre while they both worked part-time. Reni was the one who designed the entire theatre according to Yukio’s wishes to “make it long lasting”. However, Yukio revealed to him that he has no desire to stand on stage again and instead wants to make others “full bloom”, this invoked a sense of betrayal in Reni.

Reni was also the one who recruited Syu, his childhood friend, into the theatre. From there on, Yuzo and Kasumi also joined. Kasumi was revealed to also be garbage at acting at first but Yukio appointed him as lead for their first play nonetheless.

There is apparently some outside force wanting to ruin Mankai as they even went as far as stealing a part of Tsuzuru’s script and provided it to Misumi’s dad who ended up plagiarizing. It is later revealed that Reni had nothing to do with this so it is currently unknown who the main perpetrator is.

 In order to get a better grasp on his devil character, Tsumugi opted to spend one day with each of the other winter troupe members (Homare, Hisoka, and Azuma) individually. This is to get more insight from people who had lived such different lives and accumulated such different experiences. Honestly, one of the most heartwarming moments ever.

MY ANGST MAN IS HERE WITH HIS FIRST APPEARANCE!!! SAKURAI TAKAHIRO’S VOICE OMGGGGG *deaded counter x2*

He met Tsumugi in front of the GOD Theatre and asked him to “save” Reni.

On the day of the performance, Tsumugi and Taichi decided to walk to the theatre. They met Banri and Juza along the way who were planning to do a street act to release some energy. On their way, they ended up being surrounded by numerous punks who were presumably sent by the same outside force who stole Tsuzuru’s script.

The night before the actual performance, the plagiarism was revealed to both sides and both sides were just as much caught off guard by this. Reni, however, refused to change the direction of the play since it was too risky as the performance is the next day. However, Shifuto refused to act out something that is plagiarized since he promised Azami that they would have a “fair fight like men”.

And so, he managed to convince Haruto to use Madoka’s script that he has written for the first time according to free will and changed the entire play in one night. With the help of Haruto’s authority, they managed to do it in time. (I’ve failed to mention this until now but these three has been building up chemistry all through out this episode and im so down for them tbh)

Banri told Juza to take Tsumugi and Taichi and go ahead while he stays behind to try and buy some time alone against all the men. Just when Banri was in a tight spot due to power in number...

BAM THIS OLD MAN COMES IN AND SAVES THE DAY!! by now y’all already know... YASUMOTO HIROKI’S VOICE HAAAAAAAAAH *deaded counter x3*

After Banri revealed to Zen that he was autumn troupe leader of Mankai, Zen gave him a card of his restaurant, “Gentiana” and promised to treat them to a meal there afterwards.

Costume reveal for GOD Troupe. Honestly, I love the chemistry that was built throughout this episode between Shifuto, Haruto, and Madoka. Haruto really did give out redeeming qualities and i don’t dislike him as much as before aha (even tho he is still a snob) and I acknowledge him as a character. Madoka’s script consisted of two characters and basically talks about two estranged brothers (his way of writing down his guilt for towards Misumi)

Costume reveal for Mankai as many of you probably have seen already- devil tsumugi and sexy tasuku is just-

 In terms of actual in-game plays, this was the second play that I’ve actually cried at, the first being Clockwork. Super emotional and well-written play and certainly it draws a lot of parallels to Sympathy for the Angel.

SAME RENI...JUST-SAME. TT

After the performances...i won’t reveal who won and by how much but Reni did officially apologize for all his past actions as he was reminded of his passion for acting through this play. Izumi thought this too but it is hard to 100% forgive him bc of the pain he’s brought on all the members.

He revealed why he quit Mankai, it was bc he and Yukio had become so divided that if he had stayed, the entire balance of Mankai would fall to ruins. He actually came to the conclusion to leave after being trapped in the time loop with Yukio for about three days aha~

Reni decided to create GOD Troupe bc he wanted them to win the Fleur Awards first and crush Mankai, that way, he may have the chance one day to accepted a lost Yukio in his troupe as an actor and not a director (obsessed much my dude??)

The last part of the episode is Reni wanting to talk to Izumi about the Ikaruga family and being invited to Mankai Dorms as a result. There he reminisced the days with the OGs before we are left with a cliffhanger-

Even though he only talked for two lines but ONO DAISUUUUKE~~~ *deaded counter x4*

The very last scenes showcased how the OGs are starting to come back together as they will be getting involved with the new Mankai members.

THIS OLD MAN LEGIT WENT AND HELPED THEM PICK CABBAGE I-

LOOK AT THIS EXPRESSION HE IS SO PRECIOUS-

~❀❀❀~

that concludes the rough summary of episode 9! i...this was an ordeal to get through aha and sorry for it ended up being such a long post...It was inevitable bc this episode consisted of 39 chapters. 

Honestly im so dead by the end of this that i didnt have the heart to check for any grammar mistakes so there’re probably quite a few that i ask you kindly to just ignore~ 🥺🥺

now, time to dig a hole and cry until episode 10 comes out...☠️😇😭

[hellsparadiseessays]

Aza Brothers Week - Day 5

I released that essay on r/Jigokuraku back in early July, about one month after the infamous chapter 56 got out. It wasn’t a fun topic to tackle, so as a result I’m leaving the warning I put at the start of the essay before the cut. Because chapter 56 was not ok. Though keep in mind that I’m not mad at UG for it - quite the contrary, his intent is clearly not to make the chapter sexy. However, I heavily suspected the fandom to not find it as obvious because well, we have our own cultural issues. And considering how this essay has been received, and the stuff I noticed even in the Japanese side of the fandom... Well, this essay is in my opinion much needed to explain why chapter 56 is more brutal that it seems. It’s also a good follow-up on yesterday’s post, which stopped at chapter 55. 

Warning : This thread will contain references to rape, so if the topic is sensitive to you, I suggest you avoid reading it. This thread will contain spoilers for the most recent chapters as well, so read it once you’re up to date with the manga to avoid being spoiled and know what I am talking about.

Chapter 56 - A commentary on power and powerlessness

I have been keeping it to myself (and occasionally kinda raged about it on Discord join us) ever since chapter 56 was released, back in April. I’ll be honest with you, despite me joking with everybody else on Discord, that chapter really hit a personal chord and I had a hard time working on this commentary because of that. Let’s just say I regularly had to stop and come back to it a few days later, once I got my head cool again and my brain fully functional – I didn’t want my emotions to get in the way of the analysis.

Here we are now, ready to tackle a difficult topic: the borderline rape of Chôbe by Rien. And I say “borderline”, only because it was Chôbe who successfully did his Chôbe thing. He remains in a dangerous position, one I certainly don’t envy, and one that he himself strongly dislikes.

This commentary will be divided into three parts: firstly, the use of rape as a comedic device in mainstream media and how it trivialises a situation that, in fact, has dramatic consequences. Then, we’ll study Rien has a character through his past and present actions, to establish the nature of his interactions and the way he perceives himself. Finally, we’ll address Chôbe’s reactions while facing danger, and how he deals with his emotions.

I. Rape as a comedic tool

One of the many reasons why this chapter makes me uncomfortable is my personal fear for jokes made about that sort of situation. Why, you may rightfully ask? Because it is very much present in mainstream media, be it in Japan or in Western countries. Considering Reddit is mostly Western-oriented, I chose to pick a reference that focuses on rape in Western media to build my argument around, and I strongly suggest you to watch the video before you continue with this commentary. “Sexual assault of men played for laughs”, by Jonathan McIntosh from the Youtube channel Pop Culture Detective, thoroughly explores the issue through the lens of North American media, which have an area of influence that goes way beyond North America itself – especially with the massive worldwide use of internet. While not all the items of this video fit with the commentary at hand, it nonetheless points out an especially interesting argument: the man who failed to be a man – the one perceived as in control of the situation -, is subjected to various mockeries because it’s fair after all, he wasn’t really being a man when it happened, so he failed as a person.

I think we could even see this issue as a double insult to both men and women with that issue: 1) women can’t be in control because it’s not their role, 2) men who aren’t in control are perceived as emasculated, and thus the jeering is entirely justified because how dare they consider themselves men, right? Basically, this sort of joke is based on a perception of power and who is supposed to hold it. And power is what sexual assault is about. It’s not about lust or provocation. Sexual assault is the act of abusing your power over someone else to the point of robbing them of even their intimacy. This is something that tends to break people, or at least seriously damage them. Yet, this loss of power is something that remains mocked or silenced. And while women are starting to speak up, it’s still rare to see men open up about it. In Jonathan McIntosh’s video, the example of Terry Crew in reaction to the Harvey Weinstein affair and the following #Metoo movement is telling: losing power (what is perceived as such), especially as a man, is still treated in a demeaning manner that should only be mocked or ignored, not as something serious that can affect the victim for years and have a negative effect on their life in general.

Sexual assault of men as comedy is destructive, yet still awfully present in the series and movies we watch – even kids’ shows. Yes, you read it well. Kids’ shows. It gives a certain inclination to joke about rape – especially when it happens to men -, by internalising the issue and not realising how demeaning it actually is. It’s even visible in the most mainstream manga and anime (Naruto’s 1000 years of pain, anyone?) and we’ll play a little game about that: in your comment, I invite you to point out sexual assault as a joke in a manga/anime you know (and maybe enjoy). Keep in mind that I’m not doing that to slam the creations or their authors, it’s just to point out how surprisingly common it can be. I also wish to point out that, in chapter 56 of Jigokuraku, UG didn’t go that way at all. On the contrary, he made it clear that Chôbe was in danger and painfully aware of it throughout the chapter, while Rien... Was being Rien, with his own perception of who he is and the power he holds.

II. Rien: the perception of power

Now that we’ve established the basis about the way sexual assault with men as victims is perceived (especially in the West, a point of view vastly predominant on Reddit), we can start digging on Rien’s case of A God I Am.

As soon as Rien gets his first appearance (chapter 26), his status is made clear: among the boss level characters we’ve seen so far (Ju Fa, Tao Fa, Zhu Jin), he is one cut above and presents himself as the uncontested leader, the patriarch of a family who rules and serves punishment when he deems it necessary. From his point of view, he’s the head of the Tensen family as well as (potentially, it depends on Jofuku being alive of not), the ruler of the island – or the head scientist of the giant laboratory that is Kotaku. It means that Rien isn’t just the most powerful being on the island (though the notion of power can be discussed there, considering the power system used by UG), he also perceives himself as such and demonstrates it with an iron hand: the way he treated Mei before she escaped is good enough as a proof.

Behind his position as the head scientist, he shows a ruthless cruelty and a readiness to not even consider other people as persons. Mei herself, suggested as being one of the first successful experiments by Jofuku – and thus being “family” to Rien -, gets banished, mutilated and used as a living experiment material for the very thing she dared openly call out (the massive use of humans for experimentations). Rien even openly states, in chapter 26, that he’s the only one with the right to punish family members when Ju Fa injures an already weakened Zhu Jin. It gives us an idea of what Rien may mean by “punishment”. Go against his will: die or become an experiment. Disobey him: get severely injured if you’re part of the Tensen family, I heavily suspect death may be the sentence when you don’t have that luxury – and so does Chôbe. Until now, Rien has thus been shown as having a general behaviour that could be qualified of sociopathic: being indifferent towards others to the point of not seeing them as people, dehumanising anybody, using the “we’re family” or “I’ll tell you everything” tactic to try and keep people on his side. Interestingly, between him and Mei, he’s the one who has spend the most time with the other Tensen, and it is visible in their behaviour as well: they show similar sociopathic traits (Mu Dan’s experiments he seemed to find most amusing, Ju Fa qualifying Chôbe of “it” and “livestock”...).

However, no matter how godly Rien thinks he is, he remains surprisingly human and this has been shown to us through the point of view of his latest victim, who managed to do what, I suspect, no other character in the story would have been able to pull off without seriously getting in trouble for it (meaning: die immediately): he momentarily reversed the power dynamic to save his skin for at least a moment.

III. Chôbe’s status as a victim and how he handles it

Since the start, I’ve been claiming left and right that Chôbe is probably too smart for his own good, but it’s not just that. It’s an accumulation of everything that happened to him and his brother. Chôbe is very intimate with the notion of powerlessness. He’s been living it repeatedly since he’s a kid, slowly losing his place in society until he became an outcast. As a consequence, the way he thinks isn’t based on honour or revenge: it’s about survival, first and foremost.

The first time we see him go full survival mode is when he and Toma momentarily run away from the Sôshin that are outnumbering them, to find a better position to fight. In that chapter (chapter 9), we witness another way to survive that is very much Chôbe’s own method – no other character has done it, not even Toma -: instead of resisting a power stronger than his own, he integrates himself into the equation by mirroring the person who’s displaying power over him. By doing so, he creates an impression of kinship he can exploit to his advantage. As a kid, he mutilated himself to the point of losing sight in his right eye and being seriously scarred to “pretty himself up” by looking more like the bandits who were planning to harm Toma and sell them both. Doing so created a strong impression in their captors’ mind, and Chôbe used that impression to claim a place among the bandits – a first step towards claiming his power as an individual capable of thoughts and choices back. By integrating himself like that, he managed to become the leader of the pack, the chief of an entire village of bandits, causing so much trouble it warranted death penalty for him.

This method of mirroring the person holding power over him is visible again during the entirety of chapter 56. This chapter starts with Chôbe being captive, literally tied to a bed and clearly uncomfortable for many reasons: he’s been beaten to the point of passing out after having been treated like a wonderful unicorn (not a person), wakes up in an unknown place, tied to a bed in a peculiar position. By that point, Rien already marked a lot of Creep Points, and Chôbe has a lot of reasons to find the situation disagreeable. But it’s not enough, and Chôbe ends up facing actual blackmail: cooperate or become Tan (which is pretty much like dying, but worse: your life force is sucked out of you while you’re in a fake wonderland. Chôbe had a taste of it and saw what it looked like while he was in the Tan pit, both him and Toma weren’t enthusiastic about the situation and quickly got out of the pit). During the entire chapter, Chôbe weighs his options and stalls time by asking questions and gather more information on his situation to pick the best option to stay alive. It’s a daring move, to do that while facing the local godly being, but Chôbe isn’t stupid and understands having the choice of cooperating means he has value somehow. And to squeeze all the information he needs from Rien, to better weight his option and understand what’s going on on this unnatural island (he realised it’s unnatural in chapter 54), he does what we’ve already seen him do in the aforementioned bandits’ village flashback: he mirrors the one having power over him to gain some agency back through deception.

That’s where something we’ve seen him do a lot happens: he smiles. Mind you, it’s not a genuine smile. Chôbe isn’t really a smiling person, we’ve seen that everytime we’ve got even the smallest hints regarding his true feelings. However, Chôbe uses his mask as a tool for deception and picked this habit as a kid: a grin to the bandits even though his face was heavily injured to convince them of keeping him and his brother, a grin when he steels himself while facing the Sôshin, a smile when he tries to deceive Gabimaru before suddenly attacking him. It’s the vicious, weaponised grin of someone who figured out what to do and where to go, while keeping others’ attention down. He even smiles while sweating when he is nervous, at the end of chapter 55, because he has no idea what’s going on but somehow he’s tied to a bed and someone one-sidedly decided to have sex with him (yes, in case you hadn’t noticed, Rien didn’t care about his consent, because Rien doesn’t see him as a person). However, during chapter 56, we slowly see him integrates himself in the equation again by imitating Rien’s moves to numb his wariness under the guise of complying with the cooperation request. His actions mismatch his thoughts exactly for that purpose: his first thought is about a way to escape, but he realises it may be too dangerous for him. So he renounces - for now - to by himself some time and repeats his mantra, to adapt and figure things out, and gives Rien what he wants because it’s the only viable option for survival.

Since then, qualifying his attitude towards the Tensen of “bad faith” could be an understatement. He may be willing to concede certain things under the threat of death, but he will still have the guts to stand his ground, even while facing a whole group of people who could kill him – and openly threaten to do so. It takes a certain kind of madness to do that sort of thing, and oh, it’s exactly what the bandits said about him when he purposefully injured himself just to prove a point. Chôbe is too smart for his own good, but he still manages to get his agency back when it’s stolen from him, and that’s what makes him incredibly dangerous, even for the Tensen. Even in real life, it takes a certain kind of character to pull that sort of thing off. Still, despite all of his wrong, what happened to Chôbe during his childhood as well as chapter 56 qualifies him as a victim, and UG handled it incredibly well, making it tragic (if not outright nerves wracking, at least in my case) instead of using it as a comedic tool. Thank you for that, UG.

This commentary took me about... At least 10 days just to be worked on, despite the very small amount of references needed for it.

Without giving away too much information, I empathise strongly with Chôbe’s predicament and generally find him very relatable, at a personal level. His tactics are easy to recognise not just because they’ve been made fairly clear by UG, but also because there’s a pattern I know all too well in them. So yeah, that commentary tackled some difficult topics for me, and I had trouble keeping a cool head while writing it. It was a difficult birth, chapter 56 still makes my skin crawl. However, I hope you found this write up informative or entertaining. Don’t hesitate to share your thoughts, answer my little challenge (an example of sexual assault played for laugh in a manga/anime you know), ask questions, scold me for yet another Chôbe rant...

[roominthecastle]

I can't help but think you're being a bit too hard on Eleanor because of ship bias. I mean, why would you called her 'her worst self' and 'selfish' when she's always been one to throw stuff to get in heaven (even with the character development)? But suddenly she's being sappy and depending on someone who isn't Michael and the whole M/E fandom is at her throat. I'm as unconfortable as the next shipper with all the C/E scenes but is it really Eleanor and her characterization that's at fault?

Yes, of course I am biased (to a certain degree). When the show caters to my preferences, I’m more docile and much less likely to nitpick and complain, when it doesn’t and it drops the ball to boot, I get grumpy. So I’m your garden variety fan, basically. But I don’t believe I’m “at Eleanor’s throat”. Her and Chidi being together doesn’t make me uncomfortable bc it’s her and Chidi and not her and Michael (+ I often see things popping up in the C/E dynamic that can have potentially interesting implications for Michael’s development and for M/E, too. Generally speaking, the three of them make up a curious whole for me).

I know the chances of (2-sided) M/E happening are somewhere btw zero and never, so I’m not exactly eyeballing C/E as some kind of obstacle to my personal shipper nirvana, jumping at any chance to “punish” Eleanor for choosing the “wrong” partner. But I do feel uncomfortable with the way the C/E romance is written this season. “They are sidelining my no. 1 dynamic”, while frustrating, is not the reason for this, it’s not why I’m not crazy about Eleanor’s behavior and Chidi’s OOC-ness.

Eleanor + character development always resulted in stuff like her being emotional and vulnerable w/o getting aggressive and demanding, her accepting it when Chidi turned her down w/ dignity despite feeling heartbroken, and her being considerate of others to the point of volunteering to go to the Bad Place to save them. This is where she was a year ago and the year before that at the end of each season. This is not where she is now. I’m not saying being selfish and throwing stuff is not in her character make up or her problem-solving toolbox. Her overcoming these impulses, however, is the very point of her character development (made blindingly obvious last season when she lied about passing the Judge’s test and refused to go through the portal to TGP). What we have (currently! so it can change any time) in S3 is the opposite (see the in-your-face door to TGP that won’t open for her), it’s her completely giving in to these impulses to the point of seriously endangering everyone, meaning that she has, in fact, regressed. I suspect it is a point the show is trying to make but we’ll have to wait and see.

In “Janets”, all Janet asks is that they stay put until she and Michael deal w/ accounting. Eleanor works herself into a state over Chidi not opening up to her on command, putting Janet through hell and almost erasing her friends from existence while her own self is also disintegrating. Despite the serious consequences, this harmful behavior carries right over into the next ep where all Michael asks is that they lay low bc folks in TGP are so rule obsessed, they can send all of them right back to TBP. Eleanor immediately smashes stuff at the door to TGP bc it doesn’t open up for her when she demands it. It’s her bullying of Chidi from the previous ep all over again, only in a vase-meets-door form. Even Chidi has to be all about her now as he magically turns into a grossly idealized version of himself (see in S2 how she rejected a similar “fake Chidi”), spending the entire ep trying to prevent her from blowing up again while the rest of the team is cleaning up the mess in the mail room and Michael is away trying to fix the calculation issue. Despite the crazy-intense circumstances, everybody is trying to do something for somebody else except her - she is still hyper-focused on herself and it stands out to me bc this is a version of her I’ve never seen before and it’s def not the best one.

Again, it’s not because she is w/ Chidi but the issues become especially apparent within that dynamic since the second Michael showed her those memories, she just latched onto Chidi, expecting him to fill the void left by her screwed up upbringing that’s been freshly dredged up thanks to her not-dead mother. They made her lurch from “I’m incapable of love” to “I’m madly in love and nothing else matters”, hand-waving determinism while failing to provide any other reason why these 2 are suddenly together again. They are trying to play it as romantic/funny but it’s not romantic when someone’s whole identity has to be propped up by another person and it’s not funny how that other person has to repress his own identity/issues to be able to do this. It’s a suffocating, unsustainable interplay. Or if it’s meant to be interpreted as “love cures mental illness and erases every character flaw in 5 minutes, so you can finally be the proper romantic partner”, then it’s even worse. You don’t have to be a shipper of another ship or look too deep into this story to see these (imo) legitimate problems (but it helps, yes, since it’s natural to be more critical of sth you’re not emotionally invested in and gloss over stuff to preserve the fun potential when it’s your OTP or sth, I do give you that).

Eleanor having to coerce love and attention out of Chidi will never be cute, either, or proof that those feelings were there all along. People pushed some quotes from WJH into my face about how Chidi calms down bc he finally has what he always wanted - interesting choice of words, btw, given the pin Michael gave Eleanor - but 1) an actor’s opinion will not automatically replace my own (no, not even if it’s Ted’s or some other big fave’s) and 2) how exactly were we supposed to glean that Chidi wanted to be with her so much in this reboot? Was it when he went steady w/ another woman despite Eleanor being an option all along? was it when he refused to give private lessons to her bc he was just too busy? or was it when he - despite witnessing her meltdown - sent her packing bc they already had enough material for his study? For some reason the writers missed every opportunity to build this up properly and make this extremely syrupy display stick, but I’ve already said everything about that in another post.

This whole idea of “he felt this way all along, he just didn’t actually show it, so we can skip actual development” is a lazy, corner-cutting approach which reminds me of the worst kind of fanservice attempts I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing with several of my favorite shows recently. I have very low tolerance for that stuff now bc it never ends well. I did not expect to see this particular brand on this particular show, but here we are, I guess. Or if it’s a case of creative exhaustion/boredom where this billion times rebooted couple is concerned, then maybe it’s time to park them and give a not yet over-explored dynamic some attention instead to keep things fresh and fluid as opposed to stale and forced - again, not an unreasonable request, even if it comes from someone who is invested in another dynamic, given the lack of care that was apparently put into developing C/E this season.

I don’t like not liking things on this show (and it’s not Eleanor I don’t like, it’s the way they deconstructed her in order to write her back into a relationship as if she couldn’t exist w/o it), and I am sorry if I disappointed or offended bc it was not my intention. I hope they flip things or introduce a new angle that will make me re-evaluate. I am always open to that whenever new material arrives and I honestly hope they will make me eat my words soon. I will merrily absorb the suckerpuches. But for now, this is my opinion and “you just don’t like that she is not with your fave” - while a natural factor - is not the main reason why I made my comments.

[medicalmiracle]

Anon, I lost your ask

I'm sorry! Accidentally deleted the answer post and it deleted the ask as well!

But, it was about preparing for EOR exams and the PANCE, so here's what I did...

Note: I was more broke than the average PA student (only parent of a teenager with severe mental health problems) so most paid resources were just out of my reach.

EOR EXAMS

PANCE Prep Pearls (PPP) is a great quick study resource for EOR. Information is presented very concisely, literally no extra words, which is great when you're cramming and don't have time for that shit.

Clinic time is the best way to study for long term retention. This is common advice, so I won't belabor the point. I printed out the rotation syllabus and checked off diagnoses as I encountered them. While seeing patients, I used UpToDate to quickly read about my patient's diagnoses before/during/after both presenting and note writing. Most programs purchase some kind of online reference resource for students to use, our school offered Dynamed. I saw my classmates reading PPP during clinic as well, but I didn't have a car and it was too heavy for me to bring on my train-bus-walk commutes.

(Note: UpToDate is an expensive premium resource not provided by my program but most hospitals have it for staff use. If you log in at the hospital you can stay logged in for the next 3 months and use it remotely even after you leave that rotation. Use your classmates at those hospitals to maintain your login when it lapses.)

The week before EOR, I used PPP to review pathologies I hadn't seen in clinic. I also did blocks of questions from ExamMaster (provided by my program) and Lange PANCE (pdf copy distributed under the table from our seniors). If your program gives you access to ExamMaster, use it! The questions are retired PANCE questions and allow you to get used to the question format for PANCE. I know @populationpensive ran out of ExamMaster questions by the time PANCE came, but I am not as dedicated and did not come close to exhausting the question bank. ExamMaster also provides timed full practice PANCE exams.

My program hosts a weeklong national board review conference every year and gives us access to several years of recorded lectures and handouts. I watched the lecture and read the handout for the exam I was taking the day before the exam. I got As on all my EORs except general surgery.

FOR THE PANCE

I didn't study. I'm sorry, really I am. But I didn't have an easy time of it personally during PA school so I think I was suffering from severe burnout by the end. I graduated with a 3.6something, but it almost killed me.

I made a rudimentary stab at studying for the PANCE. I graduated Dec 13 and scheduled my exam for Jan 16. I met with a classmate for 2 days after graduation and covered CV and Pulm. Then I just... stopped. Something was happening with me mentally. I don't know. For the next few weeks I kind of shut down and stared at the walls, metaphorically. Then, a week before PANCE, I started doing ExamMaster questions frantically, did one full practice exam so I could get used to doing questions for 5 hours, bought the practice exam from the NCCPA and did that.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS.

Did I pass? Yes. Did I pass well? Yes. Not close to perfect, but I exceeded the national average by 100+ points. YMMV.

What saved me: Excessive studying during clinical year. Seriously. So much information is cemented in my brain. I'm confident that I could take the PANCE six months or a year from now and pass it.

However, except for serious test anxiety, I've generally been a good test taker as well. Multiple choice tests are often more so tests of strategy and focus than they are about knowing the material. But, as I say that, I also believe that complicated topics like medicine reduce this advantage. I don't care how good of a test taker you are, you can't answer diagnosis and treatment questions without knowing anatomy, pathophysiology, clinical reasoning, diagnostic testing and interpretation, pharmacology, other disease management, and current guidelines for prevention and treatment.

What saved me #2: Board review conference. In October, my program hosts a nationwide board review conference that PAs from all over the country pay several hundred dollars to attend. We are required to attend (free thankfully), and are given access to prior year videos and handouts for free for the length of the program. If your school offers something like this, TAKE ADVANTAGE. If it does not, use YouTube or any other video platform to find review videos and watch them in the free time you don't have, lol.

FINAL WORDS

I realize that much of my advice will not translate between schools. I'm sorry. I also realize that I didn't provide a study plan, or a pretty calendar, or review paid prep resources. I'm sorry for that too. However, having struggled through this, some final words:

One of my classmates let me use her SmartyPance. Good basic system review resources. The questions were much easier than PANCE questions.

One of my classmates did some Rosh Review with me. These questions were harder than SmartyPance but not quite like PANCE questions in that I didn't see questions with lab results or x-rays. IDK, I didn't get to use it a lot so not a comprehensive review of this resource.

ExamMaster was the closest of the paid review resources to the questions actually on the PANCE.

I saw a few of the questions from the NCCPA practice test on my actual exam.

THE PANCE IS NOT A HARD EXAM. MORE THAN 9 OUT OF EVERY 10 FIRST TIME TEST TAKERS PASS IT. PERFECT SCORE IS 800, THE CUT SCORE IS 350. LITERALLY YOU HAVE TO MISS MORE THAN HALF THE QUESTIONS TO FAIL IT. STUDY DURING YOUR PROGRAM AND YOU WON'T NEED TO STRESS-STUDY AT THE END. EXPENSIVE RESOURCES ARE NOT NECESSARY, YOU JUST NEED A GOOD BASIC GRASP OF THE MATERIAL. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH YOUR PA PROGRAM, YOU'VE GOT THE PANCE IN YOUR POCKET.

However, PLEASE TAKE THE EXAM SERIOUSLY AND STUDY AS MUCH AS YOU NEED TO FEEL COMFORTABLE.

I hope this was helpful to someone out there. I attended a top tier program and struggled not academically but personally the entire time. I lost my mom to cancer in the first week of the program. I almost flamed out from the stress of bereavement in the pressure cooker of first semester, mainly provoked by gross anatomy.

Also during didactic year, my daughter who already struggles with ADD had a suicidal crisis and was diagnosed with GAD and MDD with self harm. She requires constant close supervision, weekly group and individual psychotherapy sessions, psychiatry appointments, and ridiculously expensive medications. I had no partner or family for backup of any kind. I was one step away from being homeless for the entire program. I say that not for pity points, but because IF I COULD DO THIS, I HAVE FAITH THAT ALL OF YOU CAN TOO.

Reach out to those around you for support if you need it, even if it's just the Tumblr community. We're here for you.

[restoringsanity]

Hello, my url is saltbearthekitten (I am a sideblog). I'm trying to pile together some psychological studies (links to, more like, but you get the drift) that can support our arguments. For ex: I've seen antis excusing their abusive behavior by claiming that they were abused, like being abused cannot in the end turn out an abuser. I want to help provide evidence to dispute these claims. Do you have any good readings you would recommend? Your blog is very refreshing and I binge read your posts.

I will make an effort to find an answer to the question “Can victims of abuse become abusers?”. It’s a 2226-words-long effort, so I’m putting it under a ‘read more’.

tl;dr: yeah, sure - but anyone can become an abuser or someone displaying abusive/manipulative behavior; there are people more likely to do so; meanwhile children/adolescents who have suffered child abuse or have been exposed to domestic violence are considerably more likely to display internalized/externalized behavioral issues - such as depression, anxiety, trauma, aggression, manipulative behavior.

“The Line between Victims and Abusers“ by Steven Stosny makes for insightful reading, but it’s a little dated (2009), and I don’t entirely agree with some of the patronizing wording. It still draws an interesting line between victims and abusers, and points out how victims can become abusive in their behavior.

“The victim protection movement began as a noble attempt to counteract the most insidious aspect of the abusive dynamic - blaming the victim, which has the effect of making the victim feel ashamed of being abused. But as is the case with all effective social movements, the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We now have a victim identity movement, fueled by an industry of self-help authors and advocates, that has conferred a certain status to being a victim and thereby blurred the line between victims and abusers.”

Note: This article is a think piece. Very strictly speaking, it doesn’t count as scientific data. The author seems quite proficient in his field though, hence why I’d argue it’s still representative of the subject.

I’m noticing there’s also a bit of a problem with the question you’re asking. When you ask “Can a victim of abuse become an abuser?”, the only possible answer to that is ‘yes’, because the subject of abuse isn’t strictly a matter of personal history. It’s also a matter of likelihood, plausibility and circumstance, as well as mental health, among other factors. It is entirely possible for a victim to become an abuser, for them to develop abusive mannerism and behavior, and for their ‘status’ as a victim to manifest itself in abusive coping mechanisms and/or mannerism and behavior that is similar to abusive mannerisms and behavior, but not the same. The question should rather be “Can anyone become an abuser?”, to which the answer is also ‘yes’. There are stages and degrees of abuse, and it’s not always equally severe, or even noticeable. Another question worth asking would be “What is abuse?” or “What is abusive behavior?”.

“Abusive power and control” (wikipedia article) gives a general overview in regards to how abusers gain and maintain control.

Here’s a very small excerpt,

Braiker identified the following ways that manipulators control their victims:[3]

- Positive reinforcement: includes praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing, money, approval, gifts, attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile, and public recognition.

- Negative reinforcement: involves removing one from a negative situation as a reward, e.g. "You won't have to do your homework if you allow me to do this to you."

- Intermittent or partial reinforcement: Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist.

- Punishment: includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trip, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.

- Traumatic one-trial learning: using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.

Manipulators may have:[3]

- a strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others

- a want and need to feel in control

- a desire to gain a feeling of power over others in order to raise their perception of self-esteem.

Personality psychology also appears to play a considerable role,

In the study of personality psychology, certain personality disorders display characteristics involving the need to gain compliance or control over others:[10]

Those with antisocial personality disorder tend to display a glibness and grandiose sense of self-worth. Due to their shallow affect and lack of remorse or empathy, they are well suited to con and/or manipulate others into complying with their wishes.

Those with histrionic personality disorder need to be the center of attention; and in turn, draw people in so they may use (and eventually dispose of) their relationship.

Those with narcissistic personality disorder have an inflated self-importance, hypersensitivity to criticism and a sense of entitlement that compels them to persuade others to comply with their requests.

To maintain their self-esteem, and protect their vulnerable true selves, narcissists need to control others' behavior – particularly that of their children seen as extensions of themselves.[11]

Once more, the goal should rather be to identify abusive behavior. It’s not to find an absolute answer to the question “Who can or can’t be an abuser?”.

If you were to ask the question “Does a number of antis display abusive behavior?” my answer would be - yes, absolutely yes, holy fuck do they ever, yes. Not to mention that the ‘antis’ displaying said behavior then proceed to victim-blame/shame, seeing as how ‘antis’ firmly believe that their victims absolutely deserve being abused.

I could easily write an entire post about that alone, and I probably should.

Another aspect of the ‘Can victims become abusers?’ question would be the

“Abuse Defense” (wikipedia article), which describes the following,

The abuse defense is a criminal law defense in which the defendant argues that a prior history of abuse justifies violent retaliation. While the term most often refers to instances of child abuse or sexual assault, it also refers more generally to any attempt by the defense to use a syndrome or societal condition to deflect responsibility away from the defendant. Sometimes the concept is referred to as the abuse excuse, in particular by the critics of the idea that guilty people may use past victimization to diminish the responsibility for their crimes.[1]

When the abuser is the victim of the crime, as is often the case, the abuse excuse is sometimes used as a way to "put the victim on trial".

The Supreme Court of the United States has held on numerous occasions that the defendant should be permitted to present any information that they feel might affect sentencing. Despite this legal precedent, the availability of the abuse defense has been criticized by several legal experts, particularly in the aftermath of the trials of Lorena Bobbitt and the Menendez brothers. Legal scholar Alan Dershowitz has described the abuse excuse as a "lawless invitation to vigilantism".

Interestingly enough, this law is meant to take the dynamic between the abuser and the victim into consideration (and even then it’s highly contended). It does not refer to victims of abuse lashing out against people that were not implicit in their abuse.

“Behavioural consequences of child abuse” is a fairly recent (2013) research study, which describes how any type of abuse can affect children and adolescents in how they express themselves (- arguably, when left untreated, those behavioral issues might be carried over into adulthood).A small excerpt:

Effects of violence and neglect on attachment and brain development

A strong and secure attachment bond with a primary caregiver is the core of developing resilience and a healthy personality.7,8 It strengthens a child’s ability to cope with stress, regulates emotions, provides social support, and forms nurturing relationships.9 The world is experienced as a safe place in which to explore and develop independence. The child finds comfort and support from his or her caregiver when under stress. When children are abused, they might display disturbed forms of attachment and abnormal patterns of emotional response toward their caregivers. This might subsequently lead to a serious attachment disorder with symptoms such as those shown in Box 1.5–8

Box 1.Symptoms of attachment disorderThe following are symptoms of attachment disorder.

- An aversion to touch and physical affection: The child might flinch, laugh, or even say “ouch” when touched; rather than producing positive feelings, touch and affection are perceived as threats

- Control issues: The child might go to great lengths to prevent feeling helpless and remain in control; such children are often disobedient, defiant, and argumentative

- Anger problems: Anger might be expressed directly, in tantrums or acting out, or through manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior; the child might hide his or her anger in socially acceptable actions, like giving a high-5 that hurts or hugging someone too hard

- Difficulty showing genuine care and affection: The child might act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection toward his or her parents

- An underdeveloped conscience: The child might act like he or she does not have a conscience and might fail to show guilt, regret, or remorse after behaving badly

Finally, “The Effects of Child Abuse and Exposure to Domestic Violence on Adolescent Internalizing and Externalizing Behavior Problems”is another fairly recent (2010) study based on the “Lehigh Longitudinal Study”, ‘a prospective study of children and families begun in the 1970s to examine developmental consequences of child maltreatment’.

Abstract

“Results show that child abuse, domestic violence, and both in combination (i.e., dual exposure) increase a child’s risk for internalizing and externalizing outcomes in adolescence. When accounting for risk factors associated with additional stressors in the family and surrounding environment, only those children with dual exposure had an elevated risk of the tested outcomes compared to non-exposed youth. However, while there were some observable differences in the prediction of outcomes for children with dual exposure compared to those with single exposure (i.e., abuse only or exposure to domestic violence only), these difference were not statistically significant. Analyses showed that the effects of exposure for boys and girls are statistically comparable.”

Objectives and Rationale“In summary, the current study examines several outcomes in adolescence with known links to child adversity -- a range of internalizing and externalizing behaviors, depression, and delinquency. We hypothesize that: (1) violence exposure will increase a child’s risk for these outcomes, and (2) youth exposed to both child abuse and domestic violence will show an elevated risk for these outcomes over either type of abuse alone. Finally, we explore the role of gender as a possible moderator of childhood exposure on later outcomes in adolescence. The gender-balanced sample and longitudinal design of the current study allow tests of developmental relationships that are not possible in studies with cross-sectional data or in studies with only one gender.”

Relation between Child Abuse and Adverse Psychosocial Outcomes

“Numerous studies have demonstrated that experiencing child abuse can lead to a range of internalizing and externalizing behavior problems. For example, research has shown that abused children can exhibit a variety of psychological problems, including anxiety and depression (McLeer, Callaghan, Henry, & Wallen, 1994; McLeer et al., 1998). The effects of being abused persist into adolescence; teens who were abused as children are more likely to experience depression and other internalizing problems (Fergusson, Horwood, & Lynskey, 1996; Widom, 2000; Wolfe, 1999; Wolfe, Scott, Wekerle, & Pittman, 2001). Teens who were abused as children are also more likely to exhibit externalizing behavior problems, such as delinquency and violence perpetration (Fergusson et al., 1996; Fergusson & Lynskey, 1997; Hawkins et al., 1998; R. Herrenkohl, Egolf, & E. Herrenkohl, 1997; McCabe, Lucchini, Hough, Yeh, & Hazen, 2005; Smith & Thornberry, 1995; Widom, 2000; Wolfe, 1999).”

Relation Between Domestic Violence Exposure and Adverse Psychosocial Outcomes

“Exposure to domestic violence in childhood has been linked to a similar set of outcomes, including low self-esteem, social withdrawal, depression, and anxiety (Edleson, 1999; Fantuzzo, Boruch, Beriama, Atkins, & Marcus, 1997; Graham Bermann, 1998; Hughes, 1988; Lichter & McCloskey, 2004; Litrownik, Newton, Hunter, English, & Everson, 2003; McCloskey, Figueredo, & Koss, 1995; McCloskey & Lichter, 2003; Moffitt & Caspi, 2003; Sudermann & Jaffe, 1997); and aggression, violence, and delinquency (Herrera & McCloskey, 2001; Lichter & McCloskey, 2004; Litrownik et al., 2003; McCloskey & Lichter, 2003; Sudermann & Jaffe, 1997). In a recent meta-analysis of studies that examined the relationship between domestic violence exposure in childhood and adolescent internalizing and externalizing behaviors, Evans, Davies, and DiLillo (2008) found significant mean-weighted effect sizes of .48 (SE=.04) for internalizing behaviors and .47 (SE=.05) for externalizing behaviors, indicating moderate associations between exposure and both outcomes.”

Discussion“As hypothesized, children exposed to violence (either child abuse, domestic violence, or both) had higher levels of externalizing and internalizing behavior problems in adolescence than those exposed to neither form of violence. Youths who had both witnessed domestic violence and had been direct victims of child abuse (i.e., dual exposure) were more consistently at risk for the entire range of internalizing and externalizing behavior problems investigated than those who experienced only one form of violence exposure. In fact, dual violence exposure was predictive of higher scores on all nine outcomes addressed in this study, while experiencing child abuse alone or domestic violence alone was significantly predictive of only some of the outcomes. A direct comparison of dual and single exposures found that for two outcomes-- delinquency and depression measured by the BDI—scores were higher for those with both abuse and domestic violence exposure. The effect of dual exposure on depression was maintained after accounting for other risks in the family and surrounding environment.“

So, essentially, and I’m breaking it down very simplistically here - victims of any type (or many types) of abuse can very likely display characteristically abusive behavior, and they’re even more prone to do so than those who have not suffered any type of abuse (or fewer types of abuse). That is not to say that they are inherently bound to become abusers themselves, but they are highly prone to aggressive behavior, as well as abusive/manipulative behavior.

[candidateofloyalty]

2019 Fic Retrospective

I saw a number of people doing this, and since I’m always up for talking about my own writing, I decided to imitate them. Admittedly, I’m a bit late, but since I didn’t have computer access for a decent part of this week I think it’s justified.

Apparently I wrote 55k words of fic this year? Given that I spent half the year out of the country, that is higher than I expected. I guess suddenly allowing a podcast to become my entire personality is a powerful motivator.

1/31

The Clock Strikes Midnight, Fire Emblem Echoes, 3.5k words

The prince is throwing a ball to find a spouse, and Faye just knows that this is her chance to make her dreams come true. There's no time for her to worry about the messenger who brought her the news, not when she can finally live out her fairytale.

My birthday gift for star, this time only posted one day after their birthday. Someday I will figure out this timing thing. They wanted a Cinderella AU, and as someone who read approximately 5 million fractured fairytale novels in high school, I had an immediate idea of where I wanted to take the plot. I’m pretty pleased with how this one came out, especially since I never actually played Echoes. It’s also one of my rare fics where the title isn’t a song lyric.

2/14

Sacred Simplicity, Dangan Ronpa, 900 words

Sakura and Aoi meet up for their weekly donut date, but Sakura's mind is elsewhere.

I can’t believe it took a fic exchange to get me to write Sakuraoi. The request was cute and I had a good time, though. I’m always a fan of the concept of Hope’s Peak practical exams. The whole premise of the franchise is that these kids have crazy skills, so let them use them.

3/3

My Fantasies from Long Ago, Persona 4, 5.2k words

While walking home from work, Yosuke is hit on the head by a mysterious cat-dog-thing. This is the least weird thing that happens to him over the course of the next 24 hours.

Apparently I had a lot of outside sources of inspiration this year. I guess that’s what all fanfic is, but even so. This AU is from kawaii-bunny-mel, and is ridiculously fun to write. This one sticks pretty close to the source material, since I intended it as an introduction to the AU. I wrote most of it on trains while cross-referencing the original episode. As it turns out, writing is much faster when you don’t have to worry about pacing or coming up with original events.

5/4

The Present You's Daydreams, Persona 4, 7.2k words

Yosuke's been doing magical girl temp work for about a month, and it's pretty much the best thing that's ever happened to him, even if it does mean having a weird bear roommate. Then Souji invites him to a party, and Yosuke has to face something even scarier than magical enemies: social interaction.

The second part of the BAPC AU, and the one where I went off and did my own thing. As much as I love the source material, I wanted to fit the rest of the IT in somewhere, and there are like 6 characters in the entirety of BAPC. Really, though, a significant amount of this fic was an excuse to have Yosuke use his customer-service voice on a dragon. I’d also meant for this to be the one where they got together, or at least showed mutual interest, and then Yosuke went and made things awkward. I don’t know what I expected. I got to write Hamuko being cryptic at Souji, though, which was even better.

5/19

Dazzling Blue Sky on the Window, Persona 3, 3.9k words

After Erebus, Metis is prepared to vanish, but Igor suggests another option.

This one was my birthday present to myself. You might wonder what that means when all of my fic is incredibly self-indulgent to begin with, and the answer is merging two universes and saving my favorite minor character in the process. It was only after the fact that I realized how much projection was involved. It’s fine.

6/16

Bright-Eyed, Tireless One, The Adventure Zone, 2.2k words

Minerva is here, physically present, and Duck's so glad to see her. The only question is what to do with her. They've got enough people hidden in the Amnesty Lodge basement as it is. (Immediately post Episode 28)

I caught up to Amnesty right after episode 28 was released, which is what we in the writing business call good timing. I immediately wrote this in a haze of love for Minerva and have not thought about it since. I think episode 30 confirms it as canon, though.

7/8

Not So Nec-Romantic, Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun, 1.7k words

Nene's been studying to join the Healers' Guild for years, and it's finally time for her admissions test. It doesn't quite go as planned.

Star egged me on to write this and then wrote their own, funnier take on an RPG AU, which would have been rude if it weren’t for the fact that I got to read the better fic without having to write it. My favorite part of this fic is Mitsuba and Kou charging in from their epic fantasy quest without noticing that they’ve landing in the middle of a comedy of errors. I kind of want to write what they were actually up to but also it’s funnier this way.

8/25

Open Seas and Ways Of Life I've Forgotten, Friends at the Table, 3.5k words

Cass is adjusting just fine to life on their own, thank you.

They'd be doing even better if their new teammate wasn't so eerily reminiscent of their sibling, but that's all right. They're definitely coping.

And here we hit the fatt tipping point of my year. The Kingdom Game was probably the point where I fully devoted myself to this show, and a large part of that was the ability to conspiracy-board all of Sokrates’ influences on Cass’ personality. I have not stopped thinking about the Pelagios siblings since.

9/29

Not the Only Ones Pretending, Friends at the Table, 1.2k words

It sounds so nice, in theory. Mako's just running into an old friend while going out for fried chicken. But even though the Chime has broken up, two of them in the same place can still throw the simplest of missions into chaos.

I wrote this in an hour after listening to the penultimate episode of Counter/weight because the Orth-Mako scene ended right where things got good, to my mind. I just wanted to know more about how the Chime interacted after the timeskip. This also marks the start of me defaulting to Mako’s POV in every other Counter/weight fic I write.

10/14

A Magic That Won't Go Cold, Friends at the Table, 4.5k words

Jacqui doesn't normally like being sent on bodyguard jobs, but then, she's not normally working for Joypark darling Aria Joie.

I’ll just come up with a fun Jacria AU to think about in my spare time, I thought to myself. There’s a lot to explore with an Aria who never left Joypark. I can come up with some neat bullet points and it will be a good time. Then I started connecting the bullet points and at that point I had an entire outline for a fic. It’s what they deserve.

10/18

Questions Ricochet Like Broken Satellites, Friends at the Table, 2k words

Kobus' entire life had been pointless, but for once, they could see exactly what they needed to do. Then Vicuna pulled them out of Liberty and Grace.

I could not tell you why I latched onto Kobus so hard, but that didn’t stop me from doubling the size of their ao3 tag in a month. This fic ended up pretty depressing, which is ironic since the whole point was to give them a happier ending than they got in canon, but at least they’re alive at the end of it.

11/4

Detect My Sudden Existence on Your Sonar, Friends at the Table, 3.1k words

AuDy didn't intend for the rest of the Chime to move in with them. They didn't object when it happened, though.

I had a lot of trouble trying to write from AuDy’s perspective but I’m pleased with the end result. Maybe next I’ll figure out how to do pacing and/or tonal consistency. I do like the Cass stuff at the end but I think my favorite scene from this fic is everyone helping Aria unpack her stuff and being goofy.

11/11

Telling Dreams from One Another, Friends at the Table, 1.3k words

Mako shows up on Kobus' doorstep holding a Divine, and doesn't even have the decency to bring fried chicken.

This started because I kept thinking about how Kobus’ form of Ambition would have been Faith and how close that comes to Loyalty, and then the more I wrote the more I liked the dynamic between Kobus and the younger Makos. A lot of it can be summed up as Mako being the mid-twenties upperclassman who looks at the freshman and goes “oh look, a baby” much to the freshman’s annoyance, except instead of being in college they’re both secret agents raised as weapons since they can remember. It isn’t addressed in the fic but I imagine this ends with Kobus following Mako back to Kesh and ending up with eight identical older siblings.

11/24

Find Out What Broke Me Soon Enough, Friends at the Table, 1.9k words

Kobus is still reeling from their failed attack on Grace, but when Aria Joie asks for their help, they can't think of a good reason to refuse.

Continuing the theme of “what if Kobus had friends,” I like the idea of Aria being worried about Righteousness consuming her and going to the one person she knows of who’s successfully stepped away from a Divine. Like the last fic in the series, I tried very hard to give Kobus a happy ending and they categorically refused. As it turns out, when you’ve been raised to see yourself as a sacrifice for the greater good, it’s hard to find other ways to make a difference, and Aria doesn’t know them well enough to push it. One day I will find the right combination of characters and circumstances to let Kobus rest.

12/7

Take Our Time 'Cause It Feels Like We're Dying, Friends at the Table, 1.7k words

When Cass coughed up the first flower petal, all they could do was stare at it in disbelief.

Yes, I know, hanahaki. I am surprised at myself too. I was just thinking about what it would take to get me invested in hanahaki and because of who I am as a person my brain immediately applied that to Counter/weight. I know where I’m going with it but I want to finish F&M before continuing, so keep an eye out maybe in February. Also, doing this retrospective made me realize that this is the second time I’ve used a line from this song as a title for a Counter/weight fic. Whoops.

12/17

The Movements of My Mind, Friends at the Table, 1k words

On his way back to Auniq for the negotiations, Throndir stops by the cave where he met Kindrali.

My first non Counter/weight fatt fic, and once again it is introspection about a Dre character, because without realizing it I ended up with a favorite player. I just like coming up with in-universe explanations for things that were probably mistakes on their part, and I’m always interested in how the Kindrali connection works. Even if I am now incapable of thinking of Kindrali without going “I wonder what day he remembers??”

12/25

Fantasy and Microchips, Friends at the Table, 9.2k words

Five times Mako hacks things accidentally because of Cass, and one time it's intentional.

The year ended as it began, with me taking someone else’s AU and writing a fic about it. In this case, it’s a comic done by drowzydruzy on twitter. I looked at it, went “that’s pretty funny, maybe I could write a fic about it,” and then two chapters in I realized how to exploit it for angst and pretty much didn’t stop. The trickiest part so far has been making Rigor references without getting too heavy-handed. I’m halfway through writing the last chapter now, so naturally I’m procrastinating by doing this meme. It’s actually a meta-narrative about defeating Rigor by not being too beholden to your own projects, or something.

[damonojeda331-blog]

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[martinlawless]

Colchester Road Race, Abberton

Cat 3-4 Eastern Region Road League, Sunday 3 June 2018

A very hot morning in Colchester. With just a gentle breeze. 60 riders for this one. This Abberton loop I can’t say is my favourite. A short 7 mile loop. From the north it twists and turns sharply. At this time of year, the ‘bocage’ of cow parsley and fauna make it hard to see the road ahead - and oncoming cars.

The road eventually straightens out to criss-cross the Abberton reservoir. The road here is built in sections with that awful du-dum-du-dum thing going on. Eventually, it turns north and slopes up to the finish line. We’d do 7 laps.

I arrive early. I had a good sleep. Two late evening cans of lager on Guilden Rec with the neighbours doing the trick. Registration is uneventful and Colchester Rovers CC are putting on a good event, complete with the most impressive club mugs I’ve ever seen. I see fellow CCA rider Matt Porter and we discuss what might happen. I leave the rollers in the car, and choose to tootle up and down the empty road outside the HQ to take the nerves out of the legs. Deep Heat. Sun cream. Chamois cream. Pain relief cream - on the back for the inevitable sore back mid-race and around the knees having overdone it testing out gears on the new second-hand grass track bike earlier in the week. Big swig of water. A gel. Let’s go.

It’s a long neutralised section to the start. It’s a bit fast too! Unfortunately, Matt punctures and tries but fails to repair and latch on to the start. It happens. Never mind.

We’re off. It’s pretty fast. I am not too familiar with the teams who have turned up in force, but there are repeated attempts to create a break, with one or two smart faux-breaks, followed by real attempts. I try and keep to the middle and up front. We string out to single file regularly as each breakaway is hauled in. It’s hard to find an optimum position here: neither too close to the front and taking the full force of the air, while avoiding getting too claustrophobic in the pack.

We rise to complete the first lap. I’d studied this section. It was quite like the chain-gang end: a gentle rise - albeit three times longer - and then a half mile dash to the end - similar to the dash to Steeple Morden village sign. My plan would be to do well in the climb and then try and TT it from the top.

The first 3 laps are pretty relentless. It’s hot and the effort is high. My spidey-sense tells me that one break on lap 3 is decisive and I make the leap when the break gets to 10-12 riders. I put in a big effort to bridge over and for a minute I think I’m the last ‘on board’ and we’ll pull away. But look back to see the bunch organising themselves and soon enough we are hauled in. Gutted. And I burn a few precious matches here - I can feel that in the legs.

The race turns on its head as we close in on the 4th lap. On an innocuous flat section where most people are taking a sip of drink or a gel, and it’s fairly tame, there’s that awful yelp and crunching carbon on road sound. I see a rider tumble to my right who then wipes out others and blocks a large section of the peloton. 

I weave carefully through the melee. I am reminded of the Millennium Falcon dodging asteroids in Star Wars having see the new Solo film yesterday. The race dynamic has turned on a sixpence. The front dozen riders missed all the trouble and quickly realise they have a good chance of a break. I’m with the next dozen riders who had to dodge the mess. I know exactly what is going to happen and rapidly muster the riders around me to focus and stop blinkin’ looking back - and instead to look forward to the disappearing front riders who also have the benefit of the hill to do damage to us too. Meanwhile the riders at the back have a harder job to pick their way through the mess and latch back on.

I put in a massive effort, assuming it’s now or never, and my co-riders do similar. By the time we turn on the 4th lap, I’m back in with the front section, though unable to find the power to work up the line. I’m holding on quite desperately. So I am sort of relieved when several of the riders further back latch on too, to put me in the middle of the now 30 or so riders who remain.

The rest of this lap is hard as I try and recover. Unbelievably, there are still attempts at a break in this smaller field, taking me into the red yet again. I drink more and take another gel. This is hurting.

Lap 5 sees no more break attempts, but I feel wiped out. I think in part to the effort from the previous lap, but also maybe some kind of adrenalin thing from the debacle. My legs feel leaden and I feel vulnerable. I focus on the little hills that pepper the route. Use these to haul myself up towards the front and - eventually - it’s lap 6 of 7.

Here I sense most riders are now pretty whacked. This heat and maybe an explosive start has destroyed us all. Our average speed comes down from the initial way-over 26mph, to hover just above it.

The bell goes at the 7th lap and I see we’ve lost quite a few riders. The pace - obvs - becomes sedate as everyone preps for the sprint. I tighten my shoes up. And someone takes a gel - even though it’ll be all over in 5 minutes. I would have lobbed my bidons - but were told that the reservoir area is protected and any littering would mean disqualification, and it might look like I was throwing them away for good.

I work to the front early. Like 2 miles to go. As we see the final hill it slows right down and then cranks up. We hear from the race car that the road ahead is now closed for the finish, so we can use both lanes. As we climb, as much as I’m near the front, I’m boxed in and can’t fire the hill legs that are my only chance. ‘Move out eh?’ I insist to the rider on my right. And he obliges, to let me swing out to the front four riders now half way up the final hill. I begin to spin like mad in the space I find, and then see a gap, and then another, and seize both - now riding on instincts. I whoosh right through to the very front as we crest the hill. ‘Eek, not really as planned’ I think. Me and another rider 3-4 bike lengths ahead have shot right through to the front. Sort of good, sort of nowhere to hide and now in the firing line of everyone else. Regardless, in a blink, I think - let’s go! - and give it everything I’ve got.

I focus on the fella ahead and try and catch his wheel. But he’s good, and he starts to pull away a little. I can see the considerable crowd and the finish line. The road is pan flat. I go into what overdrive I have. I know it’s not much but I just hope the riders behind are in a mess or I’ve put a big enough gap in.

With barely 20-25 metres to go, I’m still 2nd. And I can’t hear anything behind me. But I’m buckling now. The rider in front times it all perfectly and wins, but there’s the frustrating sound of swishing carbon as two riders and then a couple more get past me. As we approach the line, there are several riders swamping me. I do a hopeless lunge on the line.

We speed past everyone on the line and I wobble to the side of the road in absolute bits. The race car is telling me to get off the road completely, but I’m so out of it I can’t even lift my bike. The car lets me off when seeing my chronic state. I look up and see two riders throwing-up in post-effort agony. Nice.

It’s a difficult, long ride back to HQ. I’m done in. I can recall the finish and know that at the very last moment, I slipped out of the top 10. I reckon on 12-13th. It was almost a brilliant result.

I get back to the car, unpin, message Matt to find out where the hell he’d got to and grab a cake and tea from inside. Already there’s a print out of the provisional results. It’s the worst position: 11th. One off the points. Damn.

I pack up and leave, to the sound of applause and laughter from inside the hall where the top 10 are getting their cash, while I drive off and console myself with a banana.

But as the day goes on, I come around to thinking I actually did my best. I scan the results again. The top 10 riders were really good. And I’d beaten a lot of other great riders too. Another time, it could have been different. And if I hadn’t have launched early on the hill, I’d have had no chance in the flat sprint from further back. I’d beaten some big chaps. It was a near miss. Pretty good.

I feel really knackered afterwards. This was one of the fastest races I’ve done. And maybe one of the hottest too. It was over 26mph average and half of that was with a much depleted field with not too much drafting. 

I’ve no ERRL race in the diary at the moment. But hopefully I can race one again this summer and try and get the Club up the league.

Strava link: https://www.strava.com/activities/1613926318

[nancyedimick]

Making religious arbitration work in America: The Jewish experience

In Sunday’s post, I wrote about how the framework established by American arbitration law creates various requirements for arbitration agreements to be enforced by courts. Two elements are at play in judicial enforcement of arbitration awards: One is the formal legal elements: Courts are legally incapable of enforcing arbitral awards issued by religious tribunals if they fail to follow the basic legal demands imposed by the Federal Arbitration Act. Second, even if faith-based arbitrators have observed all the formal legal requirements, they must still convince judges that their religious dispute resolution processes are genuinely fair, effective and worth upholding. Because faith-based dispute resolution involves essentially religious legal processes, religious functionaries, religious law and issue religious remedies, it can look very strange to traditional judges. In order to gain judges’ confidence and convince American courts that the religious dispute resolution process is just another form of legalistic adjudication, religious tribunals must undertake special measures to demonstrate their integrity, professionalism and effectiveness. This post highlights the best practices of rabbinical courts.

For some time, rabbinical courts struggled to find their footing in the American legal system. Initially, secular courts were uncomfortable upholding and enforcing arbitral decisions issued in accordance with what they viewed as foreign, inaccessible, substantive and procedural law. The country’s most prominent rabbinical courts, the Beth Din of America (BDA), was founded in 1960 to provide a more effective adjudicative forum for Jews committed to living in accordance with Jewish law (halakha) in a secular American legal and social context. The BDA provides a sprawling network of Jewish law courts that function as fully legal, halakha-compliant arbitration panels marked by expedience and affordability.

The pillars of successful religious arbitration in America

The legal viability of the BDA arbitration processes has come to rest on five main pillars common to reconstituted Jewish arbitration processes.

The BDA developed formal, sophisticated rules of procedure that protect parties’ rights to due process.

The BDA developed formal appellate processes that promote transparency and accountability. This came about even though native Jewish law does not allow appeals.

The BDA exhibited respect for the secular legal systems in which they operate by respecting the ultimate legal authority of the state and concomitantly limiting their jurisdiction to certain kinds of cases, and by according primacy to parties’ choice of law.

The tribunals embraced common commercial customs and principles of equity in order to give effect to the reasonable expectations of disputants and craft remedies consonant with a broader, less parochial sense of fairness and justice.

The BDA demonstrated dual-system fluency by employing arbitrators familiar with both their respective religio-legal norms and those of state law, and by utilizing the expertise of religiously observant professionals familiar with factual issues raised by particular cases.

1. Publication of formal, sophisticated rules of procedure

By developing and publishing formal rules of procedure that constitute and govern its arbitration processes, the BDA gained the respect and acceptance of secular legal authorities. The American legal system places great importance on procedural fairness in both formal adjudicatory and ADR contexts. Courts generally cannot refuse to enforce an arbitration award because a reviewing judge disagrees with the substance of the arbitral ruling, they can vacate arbitral awards for a variety of procedural irregularities and injustices in the arbitral process.

While the BDA rules place heavy emphasis on procedural due process, they are entirely opaque as to substantive law. Rule 3© states simply that “the Beth Din of America accepts that Jewish law as understood by the Beth Din will provide the rules of decision.” Not only is there no definition of the substance of Jewish law, but by insisting that Jewish law as understood by the Beth Din is the law, substantive review becomes impossible, since whatever decision of Jewish law the BDA determines to be correct is by definition the Jewish law as understood by the Beth Din. This is very consistent with the current First Amendment jurisprudence in America, where a state or federal court would have a very hard time determining the “true” content of Jewish law. Of course, the Beth Din of America has an internal process for determining what Jewish law is and how it should be applied in America — but this process is invisible to the review of its decisions by secular courts and is an internal religious matter.

2. Development of an internal appellate process

It is important that religious arbitration panels develop internal review processes. To err is human, and all arbitration panels sometimes err. Sometimes they err in judgment, sometimes in fact. Many of these obvious errors can result in a court overturning an arbitration award. An appellate process is thus an important safeguard that allows an arbitral organization to correct its mistakes internally before they are brought to the attention of a reviewing court that will vacate the tribunal’s decision entirely. Without an internal appellate process to correct one’s own procedural mistakes, a court will step in and do it, pointing to the provisions of the Federal Arbitration Act or state law. Good arbitration rules, then, spell out the grounds for error and procedures to initiate an appeal.

3. Respect for both religious and secular legal norms

To induce secular courts to respect and enforce their awards, arbitration tribunals that base their awards on religio-legal norms need to demonstrate respect for the American legal system in which they operate. Arbitral tribunals must accept that secular courts will be powerless to enforce their awards unless they satisfy the minimal technical requirements set by the secular law arbitration framework. If arbitration tribunals fail to follow these requirements, secular courts will lack the jurisdiction to enforce their awards, no matter how much judges may want to do so.

Religious arbitration panels must also accept that religious principles will not excuse religious parties from criminal acts. As Professor John Witte Jr. of Emory University observes, “even the most devout religious believer has no claim to exemptions from criminal laws against actions like polygamy, child marriage, female genital mutilation, or corporal discipline of wives, even if their … particular religious community commands it.”

4. Acknowledgment of commercial customs and general equity

Religious courts (of any flavor) functioning as arbitration panels that wish to take advantage of secular law’s endorsement and enforcement have to be sensitive to both religious and secular norms in order to get cases right. More particularly, religious arbitration panels have to be right in three senses: religiously, legally and culturally. Being right religiously means that the panel is correctly applying the technical rules of the faith. Being right legally means that it is producing a decision that the secular legal system will enforce. Being right culturally means that the religious tribunal keeps the religious legitimacy — that deep sense of the community of the faithful that this religious court is part of that community.

5. Reliance on arbitrators with broad dual-system expertise

Successful religious arbitration panels pick arbitrators who are experts not only in their own religious law and secular law but also in the particular matter at hand. If a religious tribunal hears matters of child custody, a child psychologist should be present. Although some religious communities are totally separatist and look to secular law and culture for virtually nothing, most religious communities are not. These communities are in a perpetually dynamic relationship with secular law and secular society, incorporating secular legal rules and ideas into their commercial and family law — and to do justice, the arbitrators chosen by this community themselves ought to be engaged with that dynamic interaction.

Conclusion

Abiding by the technical requirements for valid arbitration agreements and fair process may not be enough to ensure that judges will routinely enforce faith-based arbitration awards. The Federal Arbitration Act provides a floor, not a ceiling, on judicial expectations for private dispute resolution. The experience of the Rabbinical Courts shows that it has gained the respect and confidence of American courts by adopting five measures that go beyond the minimum requirements prescribed by the Federal Arbitration Act.

* * *

[The guest posts in these series are designed to introduce the reader to the basic issues presented in my book “Sharia Tribunals, Rabbinical Courts, and Christian Panels: Religious Arbitration in America and the West,” which is being released this week. I am a law professor at Emory University School of Law and the projects director at its Center for the Study of Law and Religion. For about 20 years, I served as an arbitrator in the Beth Din of America, first as the consultant hired to write the rules that are still used by the BDA, then as the director and then as one of the four standing members of the rabbinical court.

These posts are divided into five: The first, this one, explains the rise in religious arbitration and the law governing it. The second will explain the evolution of religious arbitration in America, focusing on the Jewish experience, which is the most nuanced and complex in America now. The third will explore the criticisms of religious arbitration and the fourth will explain its virtues. The final post will explore how this applies to the recent conversation about Islamic courts and what the rabbinical courts can teach Islamic courts about how to conduct religious arbitration.]

Originally Found On: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2017/06/26/making-religious-arbitration-work-in-america-the-jewish-experience/

[wolfandpravato]

Making religious arbitration work in America: The Jewish experience

In Sunday’s post, I wrote about how the framework established by American arbitration law creates various requirements for arbitration agreements to be enforced by courts. Two elements are at play in judicial enforcement of arbitration awards: One is the formal legal elements: Courts are legally incapable of enforcing arbitral awards issued by religious tribunals if they fail to follow the basic legal demands imposed by the Federal Arbitration Act. Second, even if faith-based arbitrators have observed all the formal legal requirements, they must still convince judges that their religious dispute resolution processes are genuinely fair, effective and worth upholding. Because faith-based dispute resolution involves essentially religious legal processes, religious functionaries, religious law and issue religious remedies, it can look very strange to traditional judges. In order to gain judges’ confidence and convince American courts that the religious dispute resolution process is just another form of legalistic adjudication, religious tribunals must undertake special measures to demonstrate their integrity, professionalism and effectiveness. This post highlights the best practices of rabbinical courts.

For some time, rabbinical courts struggled to find their footing in the American legal system. Initially, secular courts were uncomfortable upholding and enforcing arbitral decisions issued in accordance with what they viewed as foreign, inaccessible, substantive and procedural law. The country’s most prominent rabbinical courts, the Beth Din of America (BDA), was founded in 1960 to provide a more effective adjudicative forum for Jews committed to living in accordance with Jewish law (halakha) in a secular American legal and social context. The BDA provides a sprawling network of Jewish law courts that function as fully legal, halakha-compliant arbitration panels marked by expedience and affordability.

The pillars of successful religious arbitration in America

The legal viability of the BDA arbitration processes has come to rest on five main pillars common to reconstituted Jewish arbitration processes.

The BDA developed formal, sophisticated rules of procedure that protect parties’ rights to due process.

The BDA developed formal appellate processes that promote transparency and accountability. This came about even though native Jewish law does not allow appeals.

The BDA exhibited respect for the secular legal systems in which they operate by respecting the ultimate legal authority of the state and concomitantly limiting their jurisdiction to certain kinds of cases, and by according primacy to parties’ choice of law.

The tribunals embraced common commercial customs and principles of equity in order to give effect to the reasonable expectations of disputants and craft remedies consonant with a broader, less parochial sense of fairness and justice.

The BDA demonstrated dual-system fluency by employing arbitrators familiar with both their respective religio-legal norms and those of state law, and by utilizing the expertise of religiously observant professionals familiar with factual issues raised by particular cases.

1. Publication of formal, sophisticated rules of procedure

By developing and publishing formal rules of procedure that constitute and govern its arbitration processes, the BDA gained the respect and acceptance of secular legal authorities. The American legal system places great importance on procedural fairness in both formal adjudicatory and ADR contexts. Courts generally cannot refuse to enforce an arbitration award because a reviewing judge disagrees with the substance of the arbitral ruling, they can vacate arbitral awards for a variety of procedural irregularities and injustices in the arbitral process.

While the BDA rules place heavy emphasis on procedural due process, they are entirely opaque as to substantive law. Rule 3(c) states simply that “the Beth Din of America accepts that Jewish law as understood by the Beth Din will provide the rules of decision.” Not only is there no definition of the substance of Jewish law, but by insisting that Jewish law as understood by the Beth Din is the law, substantive review becomes impossible, since whatever decision of Jewish law the BDA determines to be correct is by definition the Jewish law as understood by the Beth Din. This is very consistent with the current First Amendment jurisprudence in America, where a state or federal court would have a very hard time determining the “true” content of Jewish law. Of course, the Beth Din of America has an internal process for determining what Jewish law is and how it should be applied in America — but this process is invisible to the review of its decisions by secular courts and is an internal religious matter.

2. Development of an internal appellate process

It is important that religious arbitration panels develop internal review processes. To err is human, and all arbitration panels sometimes err. Sometimes they err in judgment, sometimes in fact. Many of these obvious errors can result in a court overturning an arbitration award. An appellate process is thus an important safeguard that allows an arbitral organization to correct its mistakes internally before they are brought to the attention of a reviewing court that will vacate the tribunal’s decision entirely. Without an internal appellate process to correct one’s own procedural mistakes, a court will step in and do it, pointing to the provisions of the Federal Arbitration Act or state law. Good arbitration rules, then, spell out the grounds for error and procedures to initiate an appeal.

3. Respect for both religious and secular legal norms

To induce secular courts to respect and enforce their awards, arbitration tribunals that base their awards on religio-legal norms need to demonstrate respect for the American legal system in which they operate. Arbitral tribunals must accept that secular courts will be powerless to enforce their awards unless they satisfy the minimal technical requirements set by the secular law arbitration framework. If arbitration tribunals fail to follow these requirements, secular courts will lack the jurisdiction to enforce their awards, no matter how much judges may want to do so.

Religious arbitration panels must also accept that religious principles will not excuse religious parties from criminal acts. As Professor John Witte Jr. of Emory University observes, “even the most devout religious believer has no claim to exemptions from criminal laws against actions like polygamy, child marriage, female genital mutilation, or corporal discipline of wives, even if their … particular religious community commands it.”

4. Acknowledgment of commercial customs and general equity

Religious courts (of any flavor) functioning as arbitration panels that wish to take advantage of secular law’s endorsement and enforcement have to be sensitive to both religious and secular norms in order to get cases right. More particularly, religious arbitration panels have to be right in three senses: religiously, legally and culturally. Being right religiously means that the panel is correctly applying the technical rules of the faith. Being right legally means that it is producing a decision that the secular legal system will enforce. Being right culturally means that the religious tribunal keeps the religious legitimacy — that deep sense of the community of the faithful that this religious court is part of that community.

5. Reliance on arbitrators with broad dual-system expertise

Successful religious arbitration panels pick arbitrators who are experts not only in their own religious law and secular law but also in the particular matter at hand. If a religious tribunal hears matters of child custody, a child psychologist should be present. Although some religious communities are totally separatist and look to secular law and culture for virtually nothing, most religious communities are not. These communities are in a perpetually dynamic relationship with secular law and secular society, incorporating secular legal rules and ideas into their commercial and family law — and to do justice, the arbitrators chosen by this community themselves ought to be engaged with that dynamic interaction.

Conclusion

Abiding by the technical requirements for valid arbitration agreements and fair process may not be enough to ensure that judges will routinely enforce faith-based arbitration awards. The Federal Arbitration Act provides a floor, not a ceiling, on judicial expectations for private dispute resolution. The experience of the Rabbinical Courts shows that it has gained the respect and confidence of American courts by adopting five measures that go beyond the minimum requirements prescribed by the Federal Arbitration Act.

* * *

[The guest posts in these series are designed to introduce the reader to the basic issues presented in my book “Sharia Tribunals, Rabbinical Courts, and Christian Panels: Religious Arbitration in America and the West,” which is being released this week. I am a law professor at Emory University School of Law and the projects director at its Center for the Study of Law and Religion. For about 20 years, I served as an arbitrator in the Beth Din of America, first as the consultant hired to write the rules that are still used by the BDA, then as the director and then as one of the four standing members of the rabbinical court.

These posts are divided into five: The first, this one, explains the rise in religious arbitration and the law governing it. The second will explain the evolution of religious arbitration in America, focusing on the Jewish experience, which is the most nuanced and complex in America now. The third will explore the criticisms of religious arbitration and the fourth will explain its virtues. The final post will explore how this applies to the recent conversation about Islamic courts and what the rabbinical courts can teach Islamic courts about how to conduct religious arbitration.]

Originally Found On: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2017/06/26/making-religious-arbitration-work-in-america-the-jewish-experience/

[hellotinywonder]

“breathe in...  breathe out”, or “Looking back after The O’Neill 2017″

So.... I need to write this before I forget, get wrapped up in my never-ending fight against mundanity, and start to really feel the distance from my people. I got home from The 2017 National Puppetry Conference yesterday, and promptly fell asleep.  We all did. I’ve been to The O’Neill before, and I left this one without the soul crushing sadness of finding your tribe and then being scattered away from them.  I know I will see some of them very soon, why, Cam and I are redcarpeting it up this weekend for a puppet film we worked on, see?  It’s going to be fine!  Still it’s sinking in slowly, that isolation I feel sometimes, so let me babble on a bit, please, while it’s still fresh. First off, I don’t know if it is impostor syndrome or what, I but I seem inherently convinced that I am incredibly easy to forget.  This means I work extra hard to make an impression and I desperately seek approval. I’m getting better at it, but I definitely introduced myself a few times to some people, either who I figured forgot me since last year or the year before, and even some people who I had met the day before.  “Hello, I’m Valerie” was often met with a politely bewildered: “Yes, we’ve met”.  So... thank you for indulging me. I worked with some amazing people this year, and it helped push me to accept that sometimes I just make friends with incredible people, and they are not just politely enduring the tedium of letting me tag along.  Top of that list is Tim Legasse and James Godwin, who I had surprisingly way more in common with than I realized and they shared a studio together for years, and well... it shows.  Also, yeah, I went in completely ready to re-introduce myself to both of them, but that was unnecessary.  Our dynamic reminds me quite a bit of my band family big brother types.  I especially liked messing around singing Morrissey songs with Tim, and mercilessly, mercilessly slaying B-52′s with James at karaoke.  And my separate hilarious conversations with both about my “previous career”. I finally was able to study with Jim Rose, who is a dear, and a master of his craft, and I would sit at the table with him and struggle to get past this weird shyness I have at times, and it was lovely.  Oh, and I made a marionette under his tutelage, and that’s not nothing.  And then strung it up and added trick strings with the help of Kurt Hunter and Phillip Huber (I suppressed my awkward shyness and went up to Phillip two years ago and asked if we could just be friends who said “hello” to each other, and we’ve been friends ever since)!   Martin P. Robinson is lovely, but I was also always a little shy of him when he’d pull out Telly Monster (Telly was my favourite), but I am not shy anymore (testing out dollar store generic KY jelly on his arm, to make sure no one reacted to it, will do that to a friendship, kicks it up a level).  I’m thrilled I’ll get to see him at Dragon Con this year, and he got my song “I’m Just a Fish” stuck in his head and was whistling it to himself while I was editing my film together.  It made my day.  He also asked me to perform it at every pub show he attended.  I’ve sent him a recording. Martin Kettling was one of my mentors two years back, and I got incredibly sick while I was there, and while I didn’t completely fail, I certainly had some pitfalls I pushed through.  He commented to me on the last night, this year, that I had incredible stage presence (thank you, Hellblinki), and he had this wonderful insight to how my brain works, and the nervous energy and strategy that is constantly playing in my brain, and fear and all that (I was in his writing strand, so if you know me... you get it).  Two years ago he had pretty much only seen that, since I was too sick to perform.  It really meant a lot to me to have someone observe and recognize both sides of my stage personality. Also... hugs for days! The best hugs.  I don’t really get much personal contact in my life, I’m not devoid of it, but I live alone, I am single, and it’s just not something I get much of these days.  The O’Neill is a constant string of supportive hand grabs, contact improv, hugs, shoulder squeezing, and piles of deliriously tired puppeteers on the beach waiting for sunrise.  I feel sort of like a story I read once of Pierrot in white, with black marks showing up where other children have touched him while playing... I’m too tired to remember the whole story.

Pam Arciero is like my puppet mom, and one of the people I am totally geeked out that I get to be friends with.  I didn’t make it to her office this year, possibly because I managed not to have a breakdown, but in doing so, I feel like I missed out on something.  Also her and Jean Marie do such amazing work at The O’Neill I owe all of these wonderful feelings to those two powerhouse ladies.  And I own Jean Marie some rhino drawings, I have not forgotten.

Fred Thompson was there this year, and that alone is reason for celebration.  Fred is great and I love our silly conversations, but also our serious ones.  I’ve gotten so much advice from him about life and art, he’s a fantastic creature, and I’m lucky to have gotten stuck at a lunch table alone with him 5 years ago. Mervyn Millar!  Gave me moldable plastic (it’s next to my kettle and I cannot wait to use it!) and agreed to befriend me.  This may not seem like a big deal, but I definitely introduced myself to him twice.  I had just indefinitely postponed my trip to London a few weeks back, but when I do sort it out, I have more artists to visit, and that is spectacular. Ronnie Burkett made us all cry and inspired the marionette strand kids to take turns holding eachother’s puppets so we could all kneel down and kiss the stage before the show.  It was magical.  Also, I have finally reached a level of self confidence around him to make dirty pearl-clutching jokes with him in voices from the early talking pictures.  I adore you, Ronnie. Last year shortly after leaving, I had my heart stomped, and my O’Neill inspiration high crushed (that probably had a bit to do with my perceived disposable nature or ease of being forgotten, it’s not true, and I have the photos, videos, and memories to prove it).  This is not going to be the case this year, and I am thankful of that. I have a bunch of work to do, and never enough time to do it. I know I am forgetting people, but I am super tired and this is a blog post no one is going to read.  To sleepy to edit, that’s me.  But at least it’s out on this digital paper medium, not just stored up in my unreliable head right now. This is all a bit interpersonal, which is great and all, but I also LEARNED SO MUCH. And I cannot wait to apply it.  Once I get some sleep. So from a very full, and very tired heart, I made you all this: https://youtu.be/HrOrIvefF5E?list=PLz0pM6yNwcaD6ofLs_j_SmFsyCv2cvark

[miss-m-calling]

Night on Fic Mountain 2017 letter

Dear writer,

Hello and thanks for writing for me! I hope these prompts inspire you!

Chronicles of the Kencyrath - P. C. Hodgell

Relationship: Brier Iron-Thorn & Torisen Knorth

Relationship: Jamethiel Knorth & Torisen Knorth

Relationship: Kirien Jaran & Torisen Knorth

Relationship: Torisen Knorth & Yce

Relationship: Trishien Jaran & Torisen Knorth

Some prompts:

A continuation of The Sea of Time – Torisen’s reaction to discovering Jame has bound a Kendar when he’s Highlord and lord of his House and struggles with binding all his Kendar. Now that the plot summary of The Gates of Tagmeth has been announced, feel free to write the start of or an episode based on that. I love this series’ combination of high and low fantasy, dark magic, loopy humor, complex characterization, dread destiny looming over all yet people kicking against destiny all the while, and rich worldbuilding - any/all of that in fic is swell.

Torisen before he was Highlord: I’d prefer a story about what it was like for him and Jame growing up in the Haunted Lands or Torisen growing to young adulthood once Jame was gone and he had to witness Ganth going mad on his own, rather than a story about his time with the Southern Host.

Torisen spends time with Brier and discovers they may actually be kindred souls (both closed off from the world yet bursting with perceptiveness and emotion, both underestimated by most people in their surroundings).

Brier anything – her childhood, her life after her mother died and she served the Caineron, how she copes with being bound by Jame while still serving Torisen, a canon divergence for Brier, speculative future fic…

Yce grows up from puphood in Torisen’s company and learns many things (bonus points if you do Yce’s wolf-girl POV) and/or Torisen deals (probably by not really dealing, because he’s Tori) with the likelihood that Yce sees him as a potential future mate and that is why she’s so protective of him and jealous of others who are close to him.

Jaran shenanigans, especially if you can combine their devotion to scholarship (which Hodgell depicts with such loving humor) with the customs of the Women’s World, and possibly something about the revelation of Kirien’s gender to the other Highborn lords. OR Kirien balancing out being the head of a house of scholars and singers with her position in the vipers’ nest which is the Highlord’s council, with Trishien’s help and advice. OR Kirien learning both knowledge and life skills from Trishien as she is groomed to be the head of her house.

More interactions between Tori and the Jaran matriarch! Could Trishien help him navigate his discomfort about being a Shanir? Could she help him banish Ganth once and for all?

For a probably darker fic, any/all of these character combos enter Perimal Darkling or join the final battle against him – what happens? Do they live (you can ignore ‘major character death’ being my DNW in this instance)? How are they changed by their experiences in the Master’s House?

Just as a general point, if you could avoid making the incest barely-subtext between the Knorth twins text and the center of the story, that would be swell.

  Deutschland 83

Relationship: Ingrid Rauch & Lenora Rauch

Relationship: Lenora Rauch & Tobias Tischbier

Relationship: Lenora Rauch & Walter Schweppenstette

Relationship: Martin Rauch & Walter Schweppenstette

Character: Lenora Rauch

I loved this show’s combo of characterization, mild soap opera, historical detail, and sympathy for what would soon prove to be a failed political and social system. I’d love to see any of these character relationships explored either in terms of their backstory, the complex shifting of affection and resentment and power between them (siblings, parents and children, fellow spies, spies and handlers), or in a post-canon setting, either the very last years of the Cold War or in reunified Germany.

One of my favorite things about the show is how it takes characters who are frankly terrible people (Lenora, Schweppenstette) and makes them sympathetic without whitewashing them, and it takes likable, sympathetic people (Ingrid, Martin) and has them do really iffy things or knowingly make choices which endanger themselves and others.

I’d especially encourage divergences that still make sense in terms of real events in the period: Martin discovers who his father is before, during or right after canon? Martin’s mother is Lenora rather than Ingrid - how does that influence her choices as a mother and as a ruthless spy? Lenora is the agent embedded long-term in the West, and Tischbier is her handler who risks his cover while partaking of the West’s gay scene?

If you’d prefer to stick to canon, that’s great too! How much does Ingrid really know about her sister’s work? How does the sisters’ relationship develop after Lenora’s escape to Africa (and possible return after 1990)? How did Lenora “run” Tischbier all those years and what does she think of him – is he just a tool, does she care about his well-being at all, has she ever used his sexuality to keep him in line or blackmail him? A day at work with Lenora and Schweppenstette being devious or their phone conversations from Bonn to East Berlin, knowing they’re being listened to, by their own side probably? Martin and Schweppenstette post-canon, in the days and weeks right after Martin’s return or years later – what do they both know and what are they both willing to admit about their relationship?

  The Sandman

Relationship: Corinthian & Dream

Relationship: Death & Dream

Relationship: Dream/Thessaly

Relationship: Lucien & Matthew the Raven

Relationship: Matthew the Raven & Thessaly

Character: Mazikeen

For Dream/Thessaly, a look at their relationship – I love Thessaly for being always herself, as unlikable as she can be, and often wonder how she and Dream ever hooked up, made a go of an actual relationship, and/or what all contributed to their breakup (besides their both being difficult people used to getting their way and being alone).

For Corinthian & Dream, I’d love to see this from the Second Corinthian’s perspective – requited or not (not seems more likely), tied up with all of the Corinthian’s identity issues and memories of his past self and his role in the Dreaming and the world, the maker/creation relationship he has with Morpheus. This can go as dark or erotic (/ instead of &) as you like, but please heed my DNWs.

For Lucien & Matthew as well as Matthew & Thessaly, I’d love something humorous (darkly humorous or droll - it’s the snarky raven!) and Dreaming-set. A book in Lucien’s library isn’t where it’s supposed to be, either a quest to find it ensues or the missing book somehow endangers the very fabric of the dreaming. Matthew is forced to spend time with the boss’ new girlfriend, maybe as a sort of honorary guard while she explore the Dreaming, and much snark and possibly some chilling magic happens.

For Death & Dream, a slice of whatever passes for life among the Endless. Dream accompanies Death on another day at work and learns a different life lesson than in The Sound of Wings. Or Death accompanies Dream on a mission in his realm or in the waking world, possibly with an agenda of her own which he discovers along the way. They might argue. Or they might get ice cream.

For Mazikeen, I just find her fascinating. She’s like a gruesome parody of a femme fatale, all mysterious and devoted to her man/boss/devil and deadly yet not really EVIL from what we saw of her in canon. Her backstory (how did she gain her half-woman, half-corpse appearance?), or what Lucifer did to win her love and eternal devotion, or a (dark, funny, darkly funny) incident from their time running a piano bar, or Mazikeen goes on a mission, armed with her mask and slurred speech and maybe lingering infernal powers… I am somewhat familiar with Mazikeen’s story in the spinoff comics, but I’d prefer it if you stuck to what we know of her in the Sandman canon (as far as The Wake) only.

  Likes:

I love pre-canon, canon, post-canon, canon-divergent, and “missing scene from canon” stories. I love character-driven and plot-driven stories equally, and I love fics which mix humor and angst/serious business when appropriate for the canon. I’m also requesting in-canon meta here, so fictional excerpts from diaries, letters, histories, novels/fairytales/songs would be awesome.

I love character studies, characters at work and play, stories about group dynamics, family dynamics (including constructed families), professional partnerships, friendships, alliances, rivalries, intimate couples, UST-ridden couples who are not just UST-ridden but connected in other ways too, parents and children, siblings, etc.

I love irony, snark, 5+1 stories, bittersweet endings, hopeful endings, happy endings, canon-fitting crack, worldbuilding, characters who are their own worst enemies as well as those who learn to get over themselves, characters with conflicting values which may or may not be reconciled/resolved in a believable and IC way, characters who treat each other with respect and as equals even if they hate/annoy/can’t stand/love to dislike each other.

I especially love workplace stories (this can mean anything from an office/procedural setting to anything that revolves around the canon world in which the characters live) in which the characters are competent and dedicated to the job, and while they may not be exactly friends and they may well irritate one another, they still manage to rub along to get the job done and maybe even grow to care about one another (much to their surprise and sometimes reluctance/discomfort). Or, if they can’t get along, show me why not and what’s preventing them from finding common ground.

DNWs:

Kinks, MPREG, A/B/O, knotting, D/s, incest, underage, genderswap and genderbent characters, non-con, dub-con, torture and abuse, dwelling on bodily fluids (mentions of gore and come are fine where appropriate), toilet humor, character bashing, soulmates and soul marks, major character death (unless it’s canon), pregnancy and children as the lynchpin of the story (unless strictly canon appropriate), characters agonizing over/analyzing/dwelling on their or others’ sexuality as if it’s the sum total of their existence, secondary characters acting like shipping the main pair is their be all and end all, fluff and schmoop, OCs (except for worldbuilding purposes – I just don’t want a fic in which OCs are the heroes and canon characters are cameos), PWP or porn-centric fic, issuefic, fic written in the first or second person, holiday or wedding setting or theme, AUs which have nothing to do with canon (cop characters working in a coffee shop, high-school janitor characters in space, etc.)