#the saga of the flat pack shelf

[jedi-bird]

I've spent most of today thinking about the stupid shelf and how I have to go back to try and get it fixed. Decided to look at it again, one more time. And noticed that there was a soft spot in the veneer. Grabbed the screwdriver and hey!

Turns out that there are holes and they just used to wrong veneer pieces. So somewhere someone got a piece with holes in the veneer on all four sides. So, looks like I can avoid going back to the store and finish my shelf tonight.

[pleas3pretendimnothere]

May 2024

Only read two books this month, but one of them was the size of three books so... Let's talk about them!

The Way of Kings

By Brandon Sanderson - I'd been putting off this one for a long time, in part because the book is nearly 1,300 pages. I am a Brandon Sanderson fan (I've read 7 other books by the man), and I heard this was his magnum opus. I should have set lower expectations.

I still very much enjoyed Kings. I've read too many bad books to think this was actually bad. It's just...fine! Certainly not the huge, exciting fantasy epic everyone made it out to be. Online hype had me expecting Elden Ring, but all I got was Final Fantasy. We all like Final Fantasy, but by no means is it a modern feat of the genre!

A million people have reviewed this book, and most criticisms I've read are entirely valid. The highlight of Kings is Kaladin's story. Bridge Four's struggle is frightening and endearing--you want to read those parts because it really does feel like characters' lives are stake. That's good! But then, you don't really care about Kaladin when he was eight--please, get back to Bridge Four. Nor do you want to read about Dalinar, a flat, Aragorn-esque mirror of a dozen other characters Sanderson has already written. Shallan, our emotional female lead, is...fine. She's fine. All in all, it's tough to stick around for 1,300 pages with these plain, stereotypical, morally-impervious characters leading the way.

Nonetheless, there's intrigue in the world that kept me reading all the way to the end. Kaladin's story is strange and fantastical, and there's enough mystery peppered into Dalinar and Shallan's chapters to keep my attention. If only the book were a tight, 700 pages, which, I think Sanderson could have easily managed.

I could write about my qualms with this book for ages, but I think it comes down to this. Read Kings if you haven't read anything else by Sanderson--having already read Mistborn, Warbreaker, and Elantris, Kings brings nothing unique to Sanderson's cosmere. Read if you prefer worldbuilding to character work. Read if you want to finally know what the big friggin deal is! But this book isn't a masterpiece by any means. Just RENT IT!

Planesrunner

By Ian McDonald - Where Kings is often fine, Planesrunner is completely and totally fine. This is the definition of middle-of-the-pack. I picked this one up a million years ago from a used bookstore, and sadly, it's been sitting on my shelf all this time for no good reason. Super bad books are fun. Super good books are delightful. Average books bring nothing to the table.

I'm so sorry, Ian. The book's premise rocks. A London kid discovers his kidnapped father has left him a map that allows him to hop universes--a map that is heavily sought after by more sinister forces. Sounds fun, right? That's why I bought it!

And there was a lot to like about Planesrunner, but by the end, I just didn't care. The main character is a perfect, big-brained, Artemis Fowl archetype who believes in goodness and justice. Alternate-universe London is weird, colorful, and evocative of Lanthimos' Barcelona in Poor Things, but I never truly felt like our characters were in danger here. The main character was just too smart to ever be threatened. He made plans with his gang of witty Mortal Engines-like airship crew, and they always worked out brilliantly! When he ultimately succeeds at the book's end--oh no! One thing went wrong, and now we have to have a sequel! Having just read Catherine Fisher's Obsidian Mirror, which has a very similar plot of using a McGuffin to travel times/dimensions in search of a lost father, I would recommend Fisher's books instead. The main character's stubbornness and anger make him interesting, and you want him to succeed--or fail, even! You won't find any intrigue like that in Planesrunner.

This book is incredibly unspecial. Read Fisher's Obsidian Mirror saga or Philip Reeve's Mortal Engines series instead. This one, just SKIP IT!

[second-chance-stray]

RP Log: (Bucket List) Cravs and Lin EAT a pineapple.

Aislinn North It was odd. The way Cravendy insisted on taking a longer, roundabout way to the Mists. They skirted the edges of Limsa Lominsa and while certainly less trafficked, it took almost twice as long as just plowing straight through the seaside city. But eventually, there had arrived. Aislinn pushed open the door to her apartment and heaved a sigh as she stepped inside, holding the door open for The pineapple toting Seawolf behind her. "Alright. Step 1 accomplished. Time to get down to Step 2." Eating it shouldn't prove nearly as difficult as finding the damned thing.

Cravendy Hound didn't seem excited about the prospect of going anywhere near Limsa Lominsa, or any places guarded by the city's forces. But ultimately, she went along with Lin's idea to head back to her apartment. At every exposed turn, Cravs would hold the pineapple up at her face, a weak attempt at hiding herself from...from who? She won't say to Lin. The faster they get inside, the better.

Cravendy Hound: "Aye, finally! Who knew findin' one would be such a pain." Cravs makes a beeline for the couches by the aquarium and roughly drops the pineapple on the coffee table. She takes a seat like she owns the place. "Nice lil' home ye got 'ere."

Aislinn North Shuts the door and shrugs off her pack, setting it down on the floor. Her lips tugged upward in amusement as Cravendy settles on the couch. "Glad you think so. Nothing too grand, but its homey and its mine." Two things that seemed to be more than enough for the Highlander. She wanders over to the couch but instead of sitting, she picks up the pineapple and inspects it, turning it about in her hands. She taps it, listening to its hollow 'thunk' in reply. "After all that, I sincerely hope this is a ripe one." She looks over at Cravendy and pauses, considering. The uncertain ripeness of the pineapple pushed aside for a moment, and valiantly tries again to get the woman to open up. "Still not going to tell me what in Limsa has you so spooked?"

Cravendy Hound crosses and uncrosses her legs as she thinks of what to say. How to cover up. But once hinted at, nothing could stay secret from Lin for long. She decides to keep it simple. "I'm wanted. Don't want to get arrested."

Cravendy Hound - After dropping that so casually, she refocuses her attention to the pineapple. "Does it smell sweet? That's 'ow ye check if a peach is ripe."

Aislinn North had the good grace to rein in her surprise, a mere impressed flatting of her lips and an upward nod in response to Cravendy's explanation. No stranger to being a wanted woman, Aislinn tests the pineapple, sniffing it cautiously. "What'd you do?" she asks bluntly. "Is this back from your days with the Hounds? Or something new?" The fruit smelled somewhat...well, fruity. Not exactly sweet but almost citrusy as well. She turned and retreated to the kitchen. "Can't sit here staring and sniffing at it all day. Only one way to find out." she announces as she goes in search for a knife.

Cravendy Hound scoffs. "Yeah. Mostly prickly assholes too prideful to let bygones be bygones. Mostly." She shifts in her seat with a shrug. There were, of course, many that held reasonable grudges given what she had did. But for everyone else, Cravs was set on never giving them any amount of satisfaction.

Cravendy Hound: "Do ye need a 'and? Otherwise..." She looks around the room. "Ye got any liquor?"

Aislinn North "Ones with some sort of authority behind them, I take it?" In answer to Cravendy's question about liquor, she points with the tip of the knife she held to the shelf of dark bottles that stood to her left. "Nevertheless, prickly asses or no, suppose it was a smart thing to avoid the city proper. Plenty of other ones out there." As she spoke, she cut the spiney fruit into sections. "Gridania with it's lovely forest elementals, for instance." her voice as dry as desert sand. She *may* have been needling the Seawolf. A little bit.

Cravendy Hound kicks her feet forward and bounds up, energized by the prospect of booze! She goes over to Lin's collection, picking up and observing every bottle with interest. Maybe bourbon would go well with this pineapple thing? Or perhaps rum - tended to mix with tropical flavors.

Cravendy Hound: "Doesn't matter where ye go. Land or sea, the world's full of pissed off buggers who'll give ye the other end if ye give 'em a reason to. At least in Gridania I'm not the target of any particular grudge."

Cravendy Hound: "Yet." She laughs lightly, though worry tugs at the edge of her voice. As if she expects it's just a matter of time.

Aislinn North tips her head, conceding to Cravendy's point. It was a sentiment Aislinn had found to be true more often than not. "Well, the elementals might be a sensitive bunch but they've got to be better than sitting around in a gaol. Besides, you haven't been chased out of the Shroud lately, right? So, there's that." Plating up the fruit she brought it back to the couch and set it on the low table before falling back against the cushions. "Alright, ready to scratch this one off the list?" she asks.

Cravendy Hound returns to the seating area with a wide grin and several bottles. She also has brought over a few empty glasses and drink-making tools - a spoon, a muddler, things of that sort. "I learned it was cause they didn't like me shootin' up the trees, accident or no. But since then my aim's come back, so the Elementals 'ave nothin' to gripe about anymore."

Cravendy Hound: "But we're not 'ere to talk smack about some invisible gods." She claps her hands together in anticipation. "Ready when ye are!"

Cravendy Hound reaches for a pineapple slice and brings one up to her nose. Yup! Smells like food alright.

Aislinn North She smiles, unrestrained and free. "Right." Reaching forward, she plucks up a section of the yellow fruit from the plate. "Let's see what this is all about."

Cravendy Hound takes a bite, and is pleasantly surprised. Not crisp like an apple, nor juicy like an orange. It's somewhere in between, with each chew releasing more sweet-sour juice from the fruit's flesh. "Huh! The texture is like if ye dried a lemon but kept it juicy somehow."

Aislinn North Biting down on the fruity flesh, she pauses, her eyes going wide as an explosion of sweetness and tang hits her tongue. She bites through the fruit and chews through the tropical, almost overwhelming taste. "Honestly, beats any piece of fruit I've had so far." she nods. "Though you're right. Almost...string-like." a quiet laugh escapes her.

Aislinn North "The real question. Was it worth the trouble?" she asks, her eyes lit with a dose of good humor

Cravendy Hound picks up another and munches thoughtfully on it. Eventually, she drops a few pieces into a cup and mashes it up. A splash of bourbon, a bit of ice, and it's done! She takes a sip, looking awfully pleased with herself afterward.

Cravendy Hound makes one for Lin as well. "The answer is no. No, it wasn't worth the trouble. But 'ey." She pushes the drink to Lin with a grin. "Cheers anyway."

Aislinn North She laughs once again, brighter, more concrete. "I dunno. Next time we'll at least know where to look. I bet we could find one in half the time." she says as she takes the offered drink and tries it. It wasn't half bad. She peers down into the glass. "Think of the drinks to be made, for one."

Cravendy Hound peers over to the pineapple top that's left on Lin's kitchen counter. "More likely we'd catch a tropical fever. Bah, can't we just...magic a new one into existence or somethin'? It's so far otherwise."

Cravendy Hound: "But it's mighty temptin'. The drinks we could make with this, that is." She tips her glass and finishes it, pulpy pineapple and all.

Aislinn North Tilts her head, giving the question serious thought. "Possibly? But I'm not sure about the ramifications of ingesting a magic pineapple."

Aislinn North "Eat at your own risk kind of thing."

Cravendy Hound: "Sounds interestin'. Everythin's aether, so food is aether. And so is magic. Just different forms then, right?" Cravs shrugs. "Magic is weird."

Cravendy Hound - The topic would drift further in that odd direction - of magic food, of completely /made up/ magic food and if one could magic flavors into existance. And when it got late, Cravs would finally take her leave.

Cravendy Hound gets up and pats Lin on the shoulder. "Well, this 'as been fun. Don't work too 'ard, okay? I can tell...and ye'll need yer energy for the next proverbial pineapple."

(Cravendy Hound) there we go!! :D )) (Aislinn North) ((The end of the pineapple saga!)) (Cravendy Hound) ahhaaha pineapple arc )) (Cravendy Hound) hehe I like to imagine each finished item being pinned up on corkboard somewhere :3 )) (Cravendy Hound) the older i get the more the idea of a scrapbook appeals to me lmao )) (Aislinn North) ((It was a lot of fun! And yes! With red string leading from one to the next like some disjointed trail no one could follow)) (Cravendy Hound) half super cute, half looks like it's made by a conspiracy theorist )) (Aislinn North) ((Exactly!))

[stormtrprinstilettos]

“Why didn’t you pack this?” - Roger x (fem)Reader (smut)

Summary: It’s 1983 and Queen is recording their next album at the studio where you work, and things get a little heated between you and the drummer.

Series Masterlist here

In this “episode”: Reader gets a bit tied up; then it’s time to go!

Word Count: ~2.6K

Warnings: The usual, smut and language. 18+ please.

Permatags: @clogwearingspacepoodle @briansfatbottomgirl @culturefiendtrashqueen @jennyggggrrr @shutup-sorry @dontstopmemeow @letmelivetaylor @tommyleeownsme

Tagging: @fixedonroger @a19103 @ginabaker1666 @rogahmeddowstaylah @imaginesandideas @rogertaylorscar @painkiller80 @rogerrhqpsody @quirkydeaky @nicholeh7 @biscuit-barrel @capsparrowtara

[A/N: It’s back, bitches. This one is per an anon request. I know, it’s shorter than usual, but it needs to be. Next one will be longer. I need more ideas if this saga is to continue beyond two more chapters! Send them in!!]

Two days. Your entire life will change in two days and you’re a nervous wreck, sitting alone in your living room, waiting for Roger to finish at the studio. You’ve already packed, and since you no longer have a job to occupy yourself with, you’re bored, and left alone with every single nervous thought that’s popping into your head. What if you hate it? What if everyone hates you? What if this is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made? What if this all ends in disaster?

The phone rings and snaps you out of your daze. It’s Roger, and the second you hear his voice your nerves subside. “Dinner, with the guys, yes?” Before you can even answer, he starts talking again. “I’m leaving here soon so I’ll come pick you up.”

“What if I don’t want to go?” you joke.

He chuckles. “Wear that little black thing I saw in your closet yesterday,” he murmurs, completely ignoring your question. “Under your clothes, of course.”

You quickly run to your closet, not knowing what “thing” he was talking about, but when you see it, your pulse begins to race. You smirked and gently fondle the soft material of black bustier on the shelf. Is this what he was talking about? you wonder, checking the rest of your closet and not seeing anything else that was black. You undress and slip it on, along with the panties, garters and fishnets that are with it. You put on a short black skirt, red shirt and a pair of heels, then go back in the living room to wait for Roger.

“You’re coming to Munich, yes?” Freddie asks at dinner. “I need at least one person who agrees with me. And the ideas you had for ‘It’s a Hard Life’ were perfect. We finished it yesterday.” He took a deep breath as you sat there with an amused smile on your face. “Please come, Y/N. I’ve grown attached to you.” He smiles and grabs your hand on the table.

“My plan is to…” you start to explain, but Roger comes back to the table. “If Roger wants me to go, I will be there.”

Freddie rolls his eyes and squeezes your hand. “I don’t give a fuck about what Roger wants. You’re coming.”

You glance over at Roger who leans in to whisper. “See? I told you they’re alright with you coming.” He starts talking to Freddie, you’re not listening to what they’re saying – you’re too busy wondering why and when you got so lucky, not just to be right smack in the middle of life with your favorite band, but to have befriended them, and to have actually fallen in love. People may think it’s ridiculous, or pathetic, or whatever they want to think. You don’t care. Roger doesn’t care. No one else’s opinion matters. You leave for Montreux in two days. Finally, you and Roger will truly have some time alone away from everyone, when he’s not working, of course.

“So that settles it,” you hear Brian say when you return back to reality. “We’ll see you next Wednesday.” You glance up and see Brian, Freddie and John leaving the table.

Roger puts his arm around your shoulders and pulls you in for a hug. “Don’t worry. There won’t be any late night sessions, so we’ll still have plenty of time to ourselves.”

You were confused. “They’re coming too? But I thought…”

He started to laugh and kissed the top of your head. “Like they said, they’ll only be there a few days.” You look up at him and smile and he kisses the tip of your nose. “Let’s go get your bags and you come stay with me, yeah?”

“The first thing we need to do when we’re finished in Munich is get you out of this flat,” you hear Roger say as you’re walking around to make sure you’re not forgetting anything. “Not that there’s anything wrong with it,” he says before sighing when he sees you walk back in the room. “I just think, you know, you’d want to…” He walks over to you and smiles. “Maybe move into the house?”

“What house?” you ask, genuinely not knowing what he’s talking about.

“Whichever house I’m at,” he says. “I bought the house. Here. In L.A. I thought if you didn’t want to come along on the whole tour you would want to stay there, and then…”

“Wait.” You interrupt him, startled by what he’s saying. “Slow down,” you chuckle. “You bought the house?”

“Yes.” He flashes a big grin.

“Tour?”

“Yes. If you want to come,” he says, still smiling.

You smile as well, and take a deep breath before putting you hand to his cheek. “You’re so damn cute.” You start to giggle. “Can we make it through two weeks in Montreux first?”

“This maturity of yours is absolutely ridiculous,” he laughs. “But of course, we need to get through Montreux first. I don’t doubt for a second that we will.” He dramatically dips you down and gives you an equally dramatic kiss before picking you back up. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, Y/N. Don’t think I’m going to fuck it up for one second.”

“I know you won’t,” you whisper and smile. “I know.”

As soon as he closes the door at the house, he rushes to you and pulls you close, kissing you deeply as he starts to take off your shirt. “Why haven’t you worn this for me before?” he whispers as he runs his hands over the bustier you’ve been hiding from him all night. You stay quiet, not sure if you’re supposed to speak. You’re not sure of anything right now. He grazes his fingertips from your upper arms, moving them slowly down to your elbows, before touching your sides then across your stomach. His touch was so light and soft, so teasing. Your head falls back as he moves his closer, his lips hardly touching yours before he pulls away. Your craving is building up inside and you’re not sure how you’re managing to stand there without grabbing him and demanding more. He unzips your skirt and pushes it down, making it fall to your feet.

His fingers roam down to your panties, perfectly following the contour of your box. All you wanted was to feel his touch without the barrier, but he’s denying you, teasing you again with a soft teasing touch of his lips. “You are so fucking perfect,” he says with a gravel in his voice that hints at his own rising lust.

You’re drowning, every touch he’s giving you making it harder for you to breathe, his fingers softly caressing your clit through the lace material. The constant slow motion only made your passion grow, and you gasp. He hooks his fingers inside your panties, putting the tip of his middle finger inside of you barely enough to wet it. He started to rub your clit again with that finger and you close your eyes, the feel of every touch heightened. He suddenly stops touching you and you open your eyes. He grabs your hand and walks you to the bedroom.

You watch him as he takes off his shirt, his eyes not moving from yours, and all you can think about is how you want to tease him as much as he’s been teasing you, but he isn’t going to let you. Instead, he pulls you close, his chest rubbing against your skin. The lips he keeps pressing on your neck are driving you crazy, and you let out a soft moan. He guides you to the bed and motions for you to lay down, and you obey. He grabs your wrist and pulls it to the headboard, confusing you for a moment before wrapping it in what feels like a necktie, tying it and constricting you. He looks at you to make sure you’re okay, and you smirk and nod. He smirks back in approval before tying your other wrist to the headboard in the same manner.

He hasn’t shaved in a few days for some reason, but you don’t mind at all. It somehow made him seem more animalistic, if that was even possible. And looking at him right now, looking into his ocean blue eyes, all you can think about is how you want to feel his stubble between your thighs, on your mound as he flicks and circles your clit with his tongue. He finally kisses you, his tongue darts in your mouth as he runs his hand over your body, stopping at your waist so he can pull down your panties. He still smirks as he moves down, pulling them off completely over your fishnet thigh highs and heels that you’re still wearing. He gives gentle kisses up your legs, tickling you with his facial stubble as he makes his way to your thighs, using one hand to part your lips and rub lightly over your clit. Your temperature starts to rise, and you bite your bottom lip in tension as your breathing becomes ragged in anticipation.

He plunges two fingers inside of you as he continues to kiss his way to where he really wants to be, but not before raising his head to look at you, making sure you were still comfortable. Your moans start to get louder, and he moves back down, gently pulling back the hood of your now swollen clit, and begins to softly lick. You arch your back, bringing yourself closer to him, looking down and completely transfixed at the sight in front of you. He pulls his mouth away and removes his fingers, bringing them up to your mouth and you suck in them eagerly. “Still my naughty minx,” he whispers. “I saw something else you’ve hidden from me,” he growls. He reaches down to his side and pulls out a toy – you immediately recognize it and your mouth drops open. “Do you use this often?” he asks, wryly.

“No,” you whisper, unsure how he’s feeling about it. “I haven’t needed to,” you smirk. Without replying, he turns it on and starts to rub it against your already sensitive clit. You start to buck off of the bed again, unable to control your movements, your groans getting louder as you feel the vibrations. He watches you closely, gauging how close you were to orgasm, noting all of the subtle signs he’s learned over the last few months. Your orgasm was starting to rush toward you like a tsunami, and your moans can’t be restrained like you are. “Oh my god,” you say aloud.

He sees you tensing. He sees your head throw back. He knows you’re about to peak, and he quickly pulls the toy away, denying you your release. He moves back up to meet your mouth with his and gives you a gentle kiss. “You are mine, and mine alone,” he whispers. You give him a soft nod and smile, and he returns the smile. “Only I get to make you cum,” he says as you giggle. “Good girl.” He brings the toy back to your clit, teasing you again, as he kisses you deeply and you moan into his mouth. “Only me, Y/N,” he whispers after bringing you close again. He stands next to the bed and takes off his pants as you watch, noticing the stiffness of his cock. “Look what you’ve done,” he chuckles as he crawls back on the bed, climbing over you. He starts to rub his cock on your wetness, bringing you even more tingling sensation. “My beautiful girl, so desperately needing to cum for me.” He leans down and gives you another kiss and whispers into your mouth. “You want to cum for me, don’t you?

“Yes,” you breathlessly reply. “I need to.” He moves his head back and looks into your eyes, still rubbing his cock against you. “Please,” you beg. He smirks as he starts to slowly push himself inside of you. “Please, Roger,” you groan. The slow and shallow back and forth thrusts are pure torture, but you know it won’t last long. You can tell by his deep and rapid breathing. You instinctively try to move your hands to his back, but you can’t because he still has you tied to the bed. You are completely at his mercy.

Your body starts to quiver as his hands grab your hips, and he continues to fuck you in this steady rhythm, full of passion, his eyes gazing down at yours. “My dirty girl,” he coos with a smirk. “Are you ready for me?” You nod your head yes as best you can and he leans over you, becoming more forceful with his thrusts, lifting your legs up to rest on his shoulders. He grunts and you gasp as he starts to fuck you hard, and rough. “I’m so close already,” he grunts in your ear. “Are you ready to cum for me?”

“Yes, Roger,” you struggle to get out. “Yes, I’m ready. Please.” He pounds his cock into you, harder and faster than before, holding your shoulders to steady himself. You shriek as your climax overtakes your entire body, and his follows immediately. His hips start to jerk wildly as he explodes inside of you. “Give it all to me, baby,” you encourage as his entire body quakes.

He collapses on top of you, both of you breathless and spent, him still inside of you. “I love you,” he whispers with a smile before giving you a soft kiss.

“I love you too,” you whisper back. “Can you please untie me?” you giggle. “I haven’t touched you…” He raises his brow jokingly and starts to untie your hands. “I like touching you.” You bring your hand to the nape of his neck and pull him down for another kiss. “But I won’t complain too much if you want to tie me up more often.”

He smiles as he gives you another kiss. “Why didn’t you pack this?” he asks as he rubs his finger over your corset. “Don’t worry about that. We’ll buy you some new things,” he chuckles and winks. “And these heels…” He starts to do his playful growl and nibbles on your neck, making you giggle before looking back up at you. “Two more days,” he whispers as he smiles.

“I know, posh, but I want all the privacy I can get with my girl,” Roger tells you as he hugs you from behind after stepping on to the private jet he’s chartered. “There’s even a bed in the back.” He starts to tickle you but you pull out of his hold, laughing, and scurry away from him.

“So this is really happening,” you observe as you start to look around. “I mean, it’s really happening.”

“Yes,” he tells you, grabbing you from behind again and resting his chin on your shoulder. “The first step to the future.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: How'd I do? Your nan gonna give me another slap or shout me a drink next I see her? 😂 Janis: Well, I personally reckon you did alright but she's a harder woman to please Janis: I think you're outta the attack on sight group though so 👍 not bad for a night's work, lad Janis: How are you faring, I lost you in the crowd at several points so I'm dreading thinking who said what tbh Jimmy: 💪🏆😎🍻 Jimmy: Glad I had my bad boy shades, don't think I've been snapped so much in my life Jimmy: And at one point we basically had paps being so #goals Jimmy: but the insults were too slurred and 🇮🇪 to pack as much punch as you or your nan like Janis: mmblockoutthehaters Janis: not a fan of being the other side of the lens then, no? 😜 now you see my struggle, in all the ways 🙄 Janis: Yeah, they were on fine form, like Janis: Not Grace though, don't you think? Something's up and its not just date envy Jimmy: shut up you're sooooooooooo about being my muse Jimmy: yeah it was a good night all round, cheers Jimmy: it'll be drama with the flat whites or fuck boy. Lot of dumping done, wasn't it? Jimmy: Mia alone is a lot to get out of your mind 🎻 Janis: Suuuuure 😏 well, all the extra exercise with Twix is no doubt benefitting my grade in Sports so Janis: Owe ya one, don't I? Janis: Though reckon you just settlin' cos my actual model sister would charge you a fee, like Janis: More fucking fool me, ay? 😕😉 Janis: 👍 not too bruised? Janis: not just chattin' 'bout ya ego Janis: Probably right, yeah, it'll be Mia...I don't think she was that arsed about Harry, though she acted it Jimmy: I'd have to get in line, Twix'd never let me have first dibs collecting that debt Jimmy: I don't know what's more of a headwrecker that your sister is a proper model or that she's the only one #geneticsgamestronginyourgaff Jimmy: Still angling to get a pair of kicks off me? Take it up with 🎅 I did my bit on the 🎁 front 🤞 Jimmy: You better not be chatting that 😎 selectively remembering only your wins again, are you? Jimmy: Bet she's devo about Tammy #relatable 😂 Jimmy: what a giant hole in our lives Janis: She's 🥇 Janis: No matter what hype you're on Janis: True we're #blessed but don't let me catch you commenting on it again, IRL or on the 'gram Janis: I'll have to become that bitch and I don't think I've got the time tbh Janis: 🤐 nope, no complaints here, for the big man or yourself, like Janis: Hmm? I suddenly can't recall, maybe 'cos that useless bint next to us practically brained me when her club flew away from her Janis: Looks like you'll have to schedule a rematch if you wanna be covered in glory 🤷 Janis: Poor Lurch...who's the real loser here? Being such with bulllyimia Jimmy: Done and done Jimmy: Can't win 'em all...oh Tammy I thought we had something proper special babe Jimmy: what you doing today? Ready to take on the challenge any time you wanna lay it down Janis: So did she! But you will insist on bouncin' onto the next one, like 😉 Janis: make up your mind, Jimothy Janis: I'm wallowing in my pit currently...avoiding any fad diets and weird exercise regimes being implemented and spring cleaning and yet more leftovers curry Janis: 🤢 Jimmy: 😎💪 Jimmy: I envy that Jimmy: any suggestions for a film that me, Bobbin and Cass can sit through? I'm drawing a blank on an animated musical with violent themes rn like Janis: You wouldn't if you could smell me Janis: Sexayyy Janis: Hmm Janis: There's that one where all the dinosaurs die at the end? Right, they probably throw out the odd tune too Janis: I'd say Lion King fits the spec actually but don't wanna start their year off with a heaping dose of trauma Jimmy: With you there Jimmy: Fuck it I'm sticking Mulan on and shutting their gobs with sweets Janis: That'll do it 👍 no one gives a shit if the bad guy gets it in the neck Janis: especially not from a sassy lady #feminism101withgracieguru Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: she was really cracking out the nye vids #content Jimmy: silver lining of the 💔 a good GRWT Janis: Gotta show 'em what they're missing, or whatever Janis: Think Mia had a party at hers, purely so Grace couldn't come Janis: hostess with the mostest she ain't Janis: Devvo there wasn't another shit party for us to ruin tho, obvs Jimmy: school is still days away we've got time Janis: don't tempt fate, mate Janis: you've not got the 🍀 Janis: don't think my bro or the garda can handle it Janis: fuck knows where he is, still a no-show Janis: s'my job, like Jimmy: Maybe he's with my MIA pops Jimmy: weird one that'd be Jimmy: I did think he might have a new missus, but that's going a bit far like Janis: Both in the drunk tank, for their sins Janis: Maybe, Christmas wishes and all that Janis: Could find the time to give you a bell still Jimmy: 🎻 Jimmy: Wanna come over and walk the 🐶 ? Cass and Bobby'll be as 🤢 as I imagine you are polishing off this lot Jimmy: Can't count it as weird fad often as we're out Janis: Alright, save 'em from themselves Janis: and you from losing your mind 😵 Janis: not long 'til school now, save your wishes for that like the other single mums Jimmy: Done. Jimmy: Bring Gracie if you can find her, she'll have no secrets after 10 mins with them two Janis: I have the distinct impression she's avoiding me, which is weird, 'cos pretty sure I've said worse and been forgiven quicker, like... Janis: but maybe if I tell her her fave barista boy is there she'll come out to play? Janis: we've got a load of leftover sparklers, I'll bring 'em, so make sure they've got their gloves on Jimmy: 😮 maybe its her ny resolution Jimmy: 💪😎 guaranteed Jimmy: They'll be your besties then at least Janis: Yeah, guess she's sticking to all her promises this time, she's done with me forreal, at least 'til midway through the month, like Janis: 🎻 Janis: I'll bell her but no promises you'll get your fave twin Janis: who doesn't love shiny things? bet there's some bones for Twix too, what a 🏆 I am Janis: if there was any doubt left in your mind Jimmy: 😍 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Oh, looks like she's at the gym Janis: thanks insta Janis: I'll leave it then Jimmy: Yeah, can't promise a decent work out, hyped as Twix is Jimmy: make do with you then, won't I Janis: Looks like it, pal Janis: Unlucky Jimmy: I'm well gutted, mate Janis: Better take it up with someone who gives a fuck 😜 Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: the dog is enraptured, thanks for the tip Janis: Stop yapping and get to moving then! Janis: I've gotta shower, its that serious Janis: let me live, boy, ugh Jimmy: [Sends a pic of him being kissed to death by Twix] Jimmy: you ain't that special, mate Janis: Ouch Janis: 🔪💔 Janis: double betrayal Jimmy: #hookedherwithmysobstory Jimmy: you did yourself over with the good advice Janis: always the way Janis: too smart for me own good Janis: i'll get back on the shelf, like Jimmy: speaking of should we take the oldies dog for them? I'd naturally be buzzing to see your nan again Janis: see, knew you loved it really Janis: worse than my sister Janis: but it is a point Janis: probably chewing through the walls as we speak Jimmy: #relatable Cass is much the same Jimmy: I better start penning my pops a note, more pages for him to have to read the better 😜 Jimmy: might stop at 5 sides if he bothers to reply to my texts like Janis: wondered what bit you was referring to there...like surely she's not wasting her time with boys already?! but gotcha Janis: phew Janis: that'd be a whole saga to try and put on a post-it Jimmy: Dad would love that, two of us out from under his feet Jimmy: Marry Bobs off if he could 😂 Jimmy: but nah she's only 😍 for Twix same as you Janis: its a real shame the gov ain't on his side for that one Janis: the travellers do it, and they all turn out FINE, geez Janis: think your Da would be obligated to at least provide you all with your own caravan though Janis: no escaping fatherhood, eh? Jimmy: 👍 stuff of dreams there Jimmy: I am about a decent caravan though Jimmy: same goes for the others, always asking me when we going back Skerries Jimmy: steady on kids that shit's still #raw Janis: Awks..that's a holiday romance for you, lads, gotta make it a one-way ticket, no returns 😂 Janis: Maybe by Easter hols you'll be able to show your face 'round there again Janis: Weather would be better too Jimmy: Funny Jimmy: But yeah #fullofgoodideasyou Janis: full of something, has been said 😎 Janis: gotta gee myself up to see that bath again 'neway, been strictly cold showers since, like 😉 Jimmy: 😏 new year, new you though so Jimmy: #yougotthis Janis: can't say 'make more of a prick of yaself in 2039' was high on my resolution list, soz about it Janis: know how much you enjoy it 🙈 Jimmy: Damn Jimmy: I was down for the challenge if you were 😜 Janis: 😳 Janis: always a fool for you, boo Jimmy: 💕 cute Janis: 🖕 do it all for the 'gram Janis: still hate u Jimmy: 💋 Jimmy: same mate, same Janis: i feel it Janis: how long can we keep this charade going, like? 🤔 Jimmy: Gotta stretch it out 'til v-day naturally Jimmy: in it for the 🎁 Jimmy: in that spirit you want me to pick you up or you gonna walk to ours when you're ready? Janis: or the next, steak and blowjob day Janis: I see you boy Janis: that said, if we eating steak and all the love-heart shaped confectionery, I better walk it 💪 Janis: this is clearly why people always get fat when they're loved up Janis: not saying weigh your Dad for proof when he finally arrives but Janis was timed out 18 hours ago Jimmy: not saying we've got one realistically Jimmy: How good's your guestimation skills? Could feel another 🏆 coming on Janis: FUCCCCCCCCCCCK Jimmy: ???? Jimmy: you okay mate?

[itsjaybullme]

The Best Gifts for the Movie & TV Fanatic: Holiday 2017

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1. Adult Swim In A Box

Courtesy of Adult Swim

For some shows, continuity isn’t as important as the experience. So maybe the best way to watch the bizarre, other-worldly comedy of Adult Swim isn’t to binge watch a series from start to finish, but to sample a little bit of everything AS has to offer. "Adult Swim In A Box" has you covered. This 13-DVD set—which says “Cash Grab” on the back of the box—presents Seasons One of Metalocalype and Moral Orel, Seasons Two of Sealab, Robot Chicken, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Season 3 of Space Ghost, and a bevy of pilot episodes. Microwave some popcorn and be sure to invite over your weirdest friends.

$55.57, amazon.com

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2. 'Planet Of The Apes' Trilogy, 4K

Courtesy of Fox

The new Planet of the Apes Trilogy should be taught as a case study in how to properly reboot a beloved franchise. These movies forge new ground without ruining what made the originals so great. This six-disc set presents each of the films of the new Apes trilogy: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and War for the Planet of the Apes, in 4K and HD Blu-ray, plus a digital token so you can take all of them to go. (A Blu-ray + Digital trilogy is also available, nixing the 4K and knocking 20 bucks off the price). Each film gets its own black plastic shell, and all three shells fit inside a matte-finished slipcase with raised detailing that you can display on a shelf from either end—film artwork on the box side, or all three movie titles on the disc side. Includes a mini foldout Planet of the Apes poster.

$59.99, bestbuy.com

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3. DC Gallery Bat-Signal Prop

Courtesy of DC Comics

Now you can turn any man cave into a proper Bat-Cave with the ultimate Bat-Signal lamp. You might be tempted to get this as a desk ornament, but it’d better be a damn big desk. This thing is lightweight for its size, but it’s still big: nearly 13 inches tall, 9 inches wide, and 8 inches deep, which is sizable enough to serve as a focal point in most rooms. It’s seriously powerful, too, and in a dark room can project a picture-perfect Bat-Signal onto any flat surface up to eight feet away. It rotates 180 degrees on top of its faux granite (but surprisingly sturdy) base. It powers on via a USB cord or three AA batteries installed underneath. The best part: it comes with three interchangeable Bat-Symbols—one pulled from Tim Burton films, one from Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy, and a traditional “Knightfall” symbol from the comics—which easily install on the lamp face via magnets. DC is only making 5,000 of these, so if you want to get your hands on one, you might want to pull the trigger soon or risk markups at conventions and auction sites.

$300, purchase info at dccomics.com

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4. 'Close Encounters Of The Third Kind' 4K Box Set

Courtesy of Sony

For fans of Steven Spielberg’s seminal sci-fi classic about contacting alien visitors, this is the ultimate treat: not only has the film been remastered, but you have the option of watching the theatrical cut, director’s cut, or special editions in 4K or on regular Blu-ray. The three-disc set includes a disc of bonus features, plus a glossy visual history booklet with lots of behind-the-scenes shots of iconic moments and Spielberg hard at work. The box itself makes a killer display piece. A ribbon of artwork from the film’s climactic scene stretches across the front; press a button on the side of the box and it lights up and plays the five unmistakable musical notes that every fan has burned into their brains.

$48.59, amazon.com

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5. 'Die Hard' Nakatomi Plaza Gift Set

Courtesy of Sony

Includes all five Die Hard movies on Blu-ray and digital, plus villain cards, and a making-of booklet—all in a box set that tucks away into the base of a model of Nakatomi Plaza. The model stands 15 inches tall and sports some nice detailing, including the Nakatomi logo in front. Set it up on the shelf in your office and people will might think you’re an architect…then they’ll get close and realize you’re just a movie nerd.

$79.88, amazon.com

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6. 'Firefly': The Complete Series: 15Th Anniversary Collector’s Edition

Courtesy of Fox

The cancelled show that was so beloved that fans demanded and got a movie after it was gone, is back once again. Fox has just re-released Joss Whedon’s western-styled sci-fi romp in its entirety. This 15th Anniversary Collector’s Edition Blu-ray set features all 14 original episodes on three discs, nine character cards, and a fold-out map of the United Alliance of Planets. The price makes this one a no-brainer. Twenty bucks? How can you say no?

$19.99, amazon.com

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7. 'The Godfather' Trilogy: Omerta Edition

Courtesy of Paramount

It’s been 45 years since Francis Ford Coppola’s masterpiece The Godfather hit the big screen. To celebrate, Paramount is making a limited run of 45,000 copies of this Godfather Trilogy Omerta Edition box set. The box is eye-catching for your book shelf or entertainment center, coated in matte white with gold lettering and artwork. This four-disc set comes with all three films mastered on high definition Blu-ray, plus a bounty of extras, including quote cards, trivia cards, character portraits, an “anatomy of a scene” foldout that breaks down the infamous restaurant scene from the original script, magnets that let you rearrange classic quotes on your fridge, plus a disc full of bonus features. All three films can be watched with feature-length commentary by Coppola.

$34.99, amazon.com

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8. 'Justice League' Movie Statues

Courtesy of DC Comics

The long-anticipated release of Justice League gave DC Collectibles cause to recreate all six superheroes involved in the big screen team-up in lifelike detail in these gorgeous, 12” poly-resin statues. Take your pick of Superman, Batman (in tactical suit), Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash, and Cyborg. The statues are solidly constructed and pack some considerable heft, requiring an included base emblazoned with “JL” to stand free. DC Collectibles is making only 5,000 of each character, but you can get your hands on Cyborg and a few other DC goodies by entering our exclusive giveaway HERE. 

$150, purchase info at: dccomics.com

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9. 'Men In Black' Trilogy, 4K

Courtesy of Sony

It’s been 20 years since the first Men In Black film hit theaters and every sci-fi comedy made since owes it a debt of gratitude. To celebrate, Sony has remastered all three films in 4K and collected them in this six-disc box set, which includes regular Blu-ray versions of each film and a digital download key. The trilogy hit a rough spot with the 2002 sequel, but the original film remains a classic, and Men In Black III marked a fine return to form. Well worth taking the plunge and getting them all.

$59.99, bestbuy.com

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10. Marvel Legends Series Mjolnir Electronic Hammer

Courtesy of Disney

“Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.” Now, if you have 100 bucks to burn, you can be worthy, too. As a pure display piece, this model of Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, might be worth it. It’s five pounds and measures almost 20 inches tall, is etched with gorgeous Norse designs around its edges, and sits in a dock that props it up at an angle. The handle, wrist-strap, and pommel all bear details that make it look MCU-worthy. But when you pick it up and swing it around it starts spewing thunder sound effects and the edges of the hammer light up blue to simulate lightning. Speak the word “Thor” and the symbol of Odin appears on the side.

$99.99, toysrus.com

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11. Sphero R2-D2 App-Controlled Droid

Courtesy of Disney

Shockingly well-made. That’s the most succinct review we could offer here. Standing six-inches tall and perfectly resembling the detail and proportion of the famous R2 unit who appears in every Star Wars film, this app-controlled droid can mimic every sound and movement you know so well (Episode II’s jet thrusters notwithstanding). This is all easily controlled through the app, which you can download for free from the Apple or Google Play store. The app gives you control not only over all the aforementioned special effects, but offers patrol mode, AR mode, and watch mode, where R2 will chime in appropriately if you happen to be watching Episodes IV, VII, or Rogue One (functionality for the other films in the saga is on the way). When at rest, R2 stands on two legs. When you connect to the app, his retractable front center tread descends and he leans back, ready to roll. Be sure to give him some space, too, because he can roll pretty fast. It should be noted, too, that this droid is big step up from Sphero’s BB-8 droid, released in advance of The Force Awakens in 2015. While the BB-8 droid was similarly authentic and worked well, the sphere robotics were a little more complex and a little less practical. It wasn’t unusual, for instance, for BB-8 to get stuck in the corner and for his magnetic head to pop off. This R2 unit is twice the size and twice as stable when roaming around your home or office.

$179, bestbuy.com

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12. 'Samurai Jack': The Complete Series

Courtesy of Adult Swim

Thirteen years passed from the end of Season 4 in 2004 to the climactic Season 5 in 2017. That’s a hell of a long wait, but the story of Jack, a samurai thrown into the future, at last has a proper ending. Luckily, Adult Swim isn’t making you wait to collect everything. This box set features all five seasons of Samurai Jack on Blu-ray and digital; that’s 62 episodes spanning almost 23 hours. Since the first four seasons predated the HD era, they’ve been remastered for this set. Happy watching.

$104.99, bestbuy.com

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13. 'Spider-Man' 4K Box Sets

Courtesy of Sony

The original Sam Raimi/Tobey Maguire Spider-Man trilogy helped build the foundations of the modern superhero genre, with the second film in the series still standing as one of the best superhero films ever made. Sony has updated all three films in 4K and placed them inside this limited-edition collection, which includes regular Blu-ray versions of each film, plus a bonus disc of features that includes the Editor’s Cut of Spider-Man 3. Sony gave the same attention to Andrew Garfield’s two-film run as the title character in Amazing Spider-Man 1 & 2. Both box sets open like books, with glossy artwork and several pages of backstory on the making of all the films. Whichever iteration you prefer, a lot of love went into the making of these sets. Given the limited production run, any fan of the web-crawler will want to get their hands on one now.

$59.99, original trilogy, bestbuy.com

$44.99, Amazing Spider-Man set, bestbuy.com

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14. 'Star Trek' 50Th Anniversary Box Set

Courtesy of CBS

The complete Star Trek original series has been made available as a box set before, as have the original movies. But getting them all together in one set with the full animated series? That’s what you’ve got here, which is an appropriate way to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the groundbreaking sci-fi adventure. This set is massive, spanning 30 Blu-ray discs. In addition to every adventure of the original cast, you get 20 hours of bonus content, including a two-and-a-half-hour documentary on the history of the series. Includes a 50th anniversary Starfleet pin plus art prints commemorating the six films. It’s a must-have for any die-hard fan, and that’s before you consider the price: no matter what retailer you prefer, this bad boy will run you less than 100 bucks.

$91.39, amazon.com

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