#the things i have to research ughhHHHHHhh

[andthebubbles]

umm... asking for fic... and i did try googling this but couldn't really get anything (and then i got kinda grossed out HAHA)

does licking up jizz from one's clothes help it not stain... i guess if you do it when it's still fresh it'll just... be licked up quite easily????????????????

[onmonotonyandotherailments]

How do you deal with the voice in your head? (justified guilt and the like)

This is a question to the dear reader, and for personal research only, also happy pride to those who celebrate it

I don't really know what to do about life anymore, And it sounds so lame to start my first ever post like this, but i've seen all the "It girls" having a diary of some sorts to keep up with their thoughts and to reflect ont hteir daily life. I am not some It girl myself, If there's some list of requirements one must follow, i don't think i quite qualify, and using an aesthetic as a role to follow is probably not the best course of actin when you realize you are struggling.

That's also a big step for me, what's "struggling"? I've used it pretty liberally throughout my life but i don't know what it really encompasses, can i even call it a struggle? When bits just the consequence of my own actions? All struggles are consequences after all, but if the only way to find a faulty party is to look at my reflection i would rather not do it at all.

That's also something i've found about me recently, i don't like blaming people, or i say i do, because i hope they wont point fingers later, when they find out the fault was mine all along.

I keep on going on tangents latey, Back to the point, my life. Ironic sentence i think, Life being the point of discussion when i find life pointless. Not in a suicidal way, but in an avoidment of responsibilities and consequences kinda way. And its not like i havent thought about it, but when youre still living with your parents and your sibling, killing yourself is so much of a hassle for others, more than a big step for myself. So like so many of my attitudes i chose to put it on the list to do in about twenty to ten years or when im living alone.

Its a hopeful list honestly, aside from the /killing myself maybe/. Because as far as im made aware most of these feelings may just leave when i find my own freedom to actually do what i want.

The bad part is, and this is why i needed to do this blog too i think, that i could do most of these things if i just grab hold of the reign of my life and just "Got IT together" as many self motivation posts have pointed out already. The IT its aludding to may be related to these It girls ive written about previously.

Just joking of course, i just need to start studying more, and actually studying and get some part time job, something online even. Its not even that my degree is uninteresting to me, but when its your third time taking a class (and take the third as liberal as you can) and you still have no idea where anything is coming from, you kind of exhaust all other "faults". Its not my teachers as ive had many, its not my current environment, ive done both virtual and on campus classes, the basis ive had were enough for my peers who have already advanced into their actual careers so its me, its my fault.

And fault is so slimy and easy to ignore when its yours, and thats whats sweet about escapism, is that its soo easy and sweet, it fills the brain with that quick and easy dopamine. Love it! But working on your goals and marks on your life? ughhhhhhhhh such a lame-o way on life. Soooo

ive started this blog, mostly to hold myself "accountable" (blegh) and to aestheticize and romanticize life. But im sooo a total shut in, so i have to, in return, start to take care of myself for that outward appeal that they loove to share online. The basis of aesthetics, if you will.

Hopefully this and the deleting all other social media kinda works on favor of this. Hope i didnt come off as a total snob and more like a girl failure. we set the low very low so our highs(returning my overdue books to the library) look like actual progress.

Adding a pretty picture from when we visited our family on the province just to prove im not a Total shut in.

Lots of love, Celine

[olderthannetfic]

You mentioned 'one of' your cardinal rule about full frontals in response to the GOT HotD ask. So, do you have more rules? What are the reasons behind them? And how do you figure something like female full frontal but no equivalent male full frontal out in advance?

--

I don't have a conscious set of rules for the most part. I guess I could sum it up by saying it's mainstream US culture + bad values + not my id.

GoT was popular enough that info like that was easy to acquire by osmosis. If I'm interested in a show, I'll watch it unspoiled, and if it has my dealbreakers, I'll be mad, but that's life.

I guess there's nothing that's an absolute dealbreaker in literally all cases. There could always be some other element that would overrule my usual refusal.

But in general, I don't watch anything that centers on women's highly gendered trauma, including "she got raped and now she's a badass" narratives, which I especially loathe. I find that that kind of media pushes this subtext that it's empowering because all women have been there. I find it alienating, depressing, and boring. Xena getting the snot beat out of her by her former underlings in an ungendered way and then wangsting about having been a bad, murderous warlord is fine. That's a typical reformed male villain backstory. It's the Lady Trauma™ backstories I hate.

Special shout out to Joss Whedon who shoves this crap in everything and whom I've hated since the 90s. Ughhhhhhhhh.

I don't watch things where characters should logically get an abortion and don't. Every character involved is either an idiot or an abusive sack of shit.

I generally drop shows that started out being about folklore and then turned jesus-y. (SPN, I'm looking at you.) I like my urban fantasy to be neopagan woo-filled or Asian.

I don't consume dystopian media where society is gone. That's boring. I want to see a complex social context for our leads. (Relatedly, I find "my whole family is dead" a total cop-out. Make them fucking deal with their in-laws or growing old with a partner. That takes real writing chops, you hacks!) I also find ultra gloom more comedic than relatable.

I don't consume "anyone can die" media because it always removes all of the interesting characters while there was still more story to tell with them. Also, it invariably coddles whiny fanboys and their boring fave will have plot armor while all of the better characters will be the first to go.

--

But really, I consume very little media, so it's not like I have to think about these "rules".

They mostly come up when annoying fans are pushing their media I obviously would not like and I have to consciously think about how I'm making that snap judgment.

I'll occasionally check something out because it has a lot of fic. I often check out slashy (but not gay) shows because of a slash vid. I read a lot of original m/m by fandom types and may consume other queer media if it sounds like it has the right vibe. I consume a lot of stuff for research (film noir, nonfiction books, documentary). Even Kingdom, which I now love, I consumed because I wanted to get a feel for Korean historical media for the purpose of writing AU fanfic (which I then never got around to writing).

I don't have time or brain space left for mainstream things unless they happen to catch my eye.

[fatehbaz]

ughhhhhhhhh noooo stop it! aha! don’t release non-native earthworms in random plots of soil for enhancing gardens or free bait, don’t do it anywhere in North America lmaoooo! stop, it’s so dangerous and extremely harmful, with devastating and surprisingly dramatic and visible biome-wide effects! haha popular tumblr blogs should stop repeatedly and widely sharing advice recommending the release of non-native earthworms and calling it “anti-imperialist praxis” and “bioregional autonomy” and “vegan self-suffiency” lol! dooooon’t! it straight up destroys soil and outright kills forests :/ it directly causes death of understory plants; death of iconic species like goblin fern and serviceberry; elimination of vital fungal networks providing both soil structure and tree-to-tree nutrient-sharing; loss of native invertebrates and amphibians; savannification of the boundary between woodland and tallgrass prairie; death of red maple, sugar maple, and red oak stands; and especially harms hardwoods forests of the Great Lakes and Midwest lmao seriously stooooop it >:(

Anyway for real, I sure hope no one is deliberately releasing non-native and invasive earthworms, or bait worms, anywhere on Turtle Island/North American land, especially west of the Mississippi River or north of the Wisconsin glaciation. Earthworms and bait worms sold in stores are, by and large, not species native to the continent. They severely harm forests and soil ecology, leading directly to disruption of fungal networks; death of saplings and seedlings; death of forest understory plants; replacement of typical understory species with grasses; mortality in adult trees, as well; changes in pH; and other harm, especially devastating in northern hardwoods forests of the Great Lakes region.

Not gonna name names, but several times this year, popular blogs from the [forest-lover, anarchist/leftist/solarpunk, Moomin-fan, environmentalist-ish] realms of Tumblr have widely shared advice recommending the release of non-native earthworms or bait worms into the wild, as a form of “praxis”. I’ve got these posts screenshotted, but since I generally respect people in these circles - and in the interest of avoiding discourse and drama - I’m not going to share them. (A popular post was widely shared in February 2019; another “release store-bought earthworms” post was shared in December 2019.) I appreciate where their hearts are at. But:

Source: [x].

Some things:

From a Phys dot org summary of Great Lakes Worm Watch:

"The western Great Lakes region, which is the area we're focused on, has no native earthworms," says ecologist Cindy Hale, a research associate with the Natural Resources Research Institute at the University of Minnesota in Duluth. Native earthworms in the region were all wiped out after the last Ice Age. The current population was brought by Europeans hundreds of years ago, (soil was often used as ballast in ships) and they’re now changing the face of local forests. Anglers are adding to the problem by dumping worms that don't end up on the end of a hook.

With support from the National Science Foundation (NSF), Hale's team created the Great Lakes Worm Watch website and outreach programs to stop the spread of non-native earthworms and to clear up the common misconception that they're harmless. [...] Earthworms may be small but when they take over a forest, the impact is dramatic. They cause the rapid incorporation of organic material into the soil, changing its structure, chemistry and nutrient dynamics. What's known as the duff layer is suddenly removed, and this duff, or decaying organic material on the forest floor, is habitat for several species of insects, spiders, small vertebrates, bacteria and fungi. It is also the primary rooting zone for most plants."What's really the biggest negative effect on the plants directly is the removal of their rooting zone. It can cause mortality of adult plants but, furthermore, it can cause a loss of reproductive potential. A lot of these native plants have seeds that have very complex seed dormancy and germination strategies," says Hale.

--

Caption by Shireen Gonzaga for EarthSky: “A forest understory with a high diversity of native plants, the result when there are no earthworms in the soil. Image courtesy of Paul Ojanen.”

Caption by Shireen Gonzaga for EarthSky: “Forest soil with an abundance of non-native earthworms can result in a bare understory. Image courtesy of Scott L Loss.”

Non-native worms disrupt fungi networks, alter soil pH, damage seedlings, and allow grasses to gain stronger footholds to replace native/natural forest understory plants (from an EarthSky review of 2016 research by German Centre for Integrative Biodiversity Research):

Bottom line: European earthworms, introduced by early settlers, are changing the physical and chemical characteristics of soil in northern North American forests, creating a decreased diversity in native plants. [...] At the top soil layer, earthworms convert fallen leaves to humus. That’s a good thing if you’re growing a garden, but, in a natural forest, it causes a fast-tracking of the release of nutrients instead of allowing the leaf litter to break down more slowly, as it would without the earthworms.

Also, as they burrow through the ground, earthworms disrupt the mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship between fungi and plants. Some deep-burrowing worm species change the pH of upper soil layers by mixing in alkaline soil from deeper in the ground. [...]

All of these changes adversely affect native plants that did not evolve in such conditions. For instance, the goblin fern is rarely found in areas with high earthworm density. Other native plants facing threats include largeflower bellwort, trillium and Solomon’s seal. Earthworms also consume the seeds and seedlings of some plant species, influencing what grows in the forest understory.

In some locations, grasses, with their fine root systems that quickly absorb nutrients, dominate the forest floor. Non-native invasive plants that evolved in soils containing earthworms gain an even stronger foothold in these forests.

--

Cindy Hale, the prominent University of Minnesota-based researcher of non-native earthworms in the Great Lakes region, has published this book through Kollath-Stensaas Publishing:

--

Non-native worms harm birch trees specifically and hardwood forests generally (excerpt from University of Toronto research, 2016):

The worms can cause dramatic changes to ecosystems by altering soils, reducing leaf litter and disrupting microbial interactions, which reduces biodiversity. Now it seems they are also eating plant seeds in the wild, potentially altering the make-up of forest communities. (…)

“They eat a lot more seeds than we think,” says Cassin [ecologist at University of Toronto in Mississauga], now at the Ontario Invasive Plant Council in Canada.

The study shows another way that earthworms can alter forest ecosystems, particularly for small-seeded species such as birch, says Lee Frelich, an ecologist at the University of Minnesota in St Paul. (…)

Once earthworms have invaded a habitat, they are almost impossible to eradicate, says Erin Bayne, of the University of Alberta in Canada. Conservationists must instead work to keep worms out of pristine habitats, he says, for example by restricting the use of worms as fishing bait and by controlling accidental transport of contaminated soil.

--

Non-native worms lead to wildflower, fern, and sapling death. In hardwood forests, this loss is probably due partially to how worms degrade the duff layer; the loss of this layer also provokes soil erosion and directly eliminates the forest floor shelter of larger invertebrates and amphibians. When saplings cannot establish themselves, there is tree loss. (From Minnesota Department of Natural Resources)

Studies conducted by the University of Minnesota and forest managers show that at least seven species are invading our hardwood forests and causing the loss of tree seedlings, wildflowers, and ferns.

--

Sugar maples, important both for forests and human food production, are devastated by the worms (from several years of research by Michigan Technological University across multiple national and state forests in the Upper Great Lakes):

A new study suggests that non-native worms are eating up the forest floor, causing sugar maples to die back and perhaps harming other forest dwellers.

Sugar maples are prized as much for their valuable lumber as for their sugary sap and dazzling fall colors. In Michigan alone, they are the basis of a multi-million-dollar industry. But several years ago, foresters began noticing that the crowns of the big trees appeared unhealthy, with bare limbs and little new growth. “They were losing trees before they could harvest them.” (…)

--

Great Lakes Worm Watch has some fun links and resources:

You can download a comprehensive key that helps identify earthworm species. Available for free, via Great Lakes Worm Watch:

Text from Great Lakes Worm Watch: “Different plant species respond to earthworm invasions differently. Some native plants appear to be very sensitive, so much so, that they can rapidly disappear when earthworms invade a forest. Some examples of these plants include…” 

Worm Watch: “If earthworm invasion leads to changes in the mycorrhizal community of fungi, the diversity of plants that make up the understory would be dramatically changed. Fungi are a preferred food of many earthworm species and they graze it heavily, which could dramatically impact the abundance and composition of fungi in the soil.  By grazing fungi on or near plant roots, the earthworms not only can damage the roots, but they prevent the plant and fungi from forming the symbiotic relationship where mycorrhizal fungi exchange nutrients and water for carbohydrates with green plants.  If the fungi can't get enough food, they will die back even further.  For some of the native plants that need mycorrhizal fungi, especially when the plant is young and small, survival will be difficult if earthworms prevent this relationship from being formed.”

-

NO MUSHROOMS

[sleepy-dreamers-inc]

Hello! May I claim the 🌱 emoji for an anon signoff?

I'd like to request some Eret x Male reader content!

Anything adventure themed would be great!

If you'd like a specific request/prompt, maybe travelling through the end and exploring a city together, seeing the remnants of an ancient civilization? But yeah anything adventure themed would be AMAZING if you had another idea :D

-🌱

OMG YES YOU MAY BE 🌱 ANON!!!

M! Reader Adventuring with Eret!|| 🍃

irl / in-game

Genre| fluff

h e a d-c a n n o n s||

Sypnosis|

You and Eret go adventuring together!! Have some head-cannons about it <3

Note: since its a rule in the SMP that you cannot go to the End, this will not be set in the End!! Although i did keep the ancient civilization part so i hope that does some justice <3

- Now, while both Y/N and Eret run they’re kingdom together, all rulers need a break. So, Eret suggested that both of you take a little adventure trip, much to your excitement and dismay.

- After both of you talked about it, packed your things, and put Ghostbur (and friend!!) in charge, you both set out.

- Now although Eret suggested it, he probably is not good at adventuring and well.... surviving. So Y/N had to help him when it came to setting up camps, boiling water, starting a fire, ect.

- While Y/N went to go hunt, and scavenge for berries, Eret was in charge of setting up the base, starting the fire, getting water, and keeping the place safe. They were about a week of walking away from the SMP, so it was needless to say pretty dangerous. No-one was around in the Spruce Forest, as so he thought.

- He never expected to get chased by from a group of zombies, more or less running to far as to finding Y/N. Thankfully he ridded the hoard, much to Erets gratitude

- After that incident; both of them wandered around trying to get back to they’re campsite. Them ultimately realizing “hey, were lost!” [cue panic]

- As they stumbled around though, trying to find they’re camp, Y/N came across something quite interesting! A ruined building, looking like a castle, sat crumbled and destroyed, a image of its once former glory. Y/N sat amazed, he never thought he’d find something like this! He adventured in more, running his surprisingly-smooth hands on the broken, mossy stone.

- Eret was... absolutely lost. His boyfriend and co-king was suddenly gone, and he was nowhere near the comforting fire and light that would (hopefully) keep him safe (poor man)

- It wasnt until the earth started to slightly rumble that he somehow knew where his king was, running towards the starting point of the rumbling. He soon got there, only to see a massive symbol in the ground, carved into the stone.

“This looks like a ball room, dont you think my king?” Eret said, bending down, grazing his fingers on the ground. Y/N hummed in response, walking forward into the middle of the room.

“It could also be a sanctum, dont you think love?” Y/N said, twirling around looking at the broken roof, part of it was missing, showing off the stars in they’re full glory in the night sky. “I suppose thats another option” Eret giggled, getting up to look around.

- Both of them did lots of exploring, finding a huge library, going through catacombs and secret passages, finding military quarters and weapon rooms, and so, so much more.

- Both of them didn’t know what this place was, but definitely wanted to research it. So; after (finally) finding they’re campsite, they headed to the nearest village to grab supplies, and most importantly, book and quills.

- Whilst leaving the village, Eret grabbed onto Y/N’s hand, looking at them.

“Lets go do some exploration, my king.”

a/n: Never wrote for Eret before so if this OOC ughhhhhhhhh,,, my bad

ANYWAYS- sorry for being so in active!! Life has been super busy these past couple weeks, but lets hope i can get back into the swing of things @-@

But i hope you enjoyed 🌱 anon!! And to anyone else whos reading this!! Anyways i love you all, im gonna go work on godly! Tommy, Tubbo & Ranboo headcannons (simping hard for a non-godly status reader sjdhdj)

[colewald]

I MET JENNA COLEMAN ON SUNDAY THE 24TH OF SEPTEMBER 2017 AND HERE IS HOW IT WENT DOWN

I don’t even know where to begin so I’m just gonna pick a spot.

So I woke up this morning, put on a face mask, had a real nice shower, did my face, put on my Clara cosplay,

had my sister take a few pictures of me (the ones you see here are the only good ones she took asdijkdas) then we left for Comic-con! I had been fine all morning but the car ride there was...mESSY. It didn’t really hit me that I was SERIOUSLY about to meet Jenna until that moment. I started crying and breathing really heavily and my lovely mum was like “STOP CRYIGN YOU’RE GONNA RUIN YOUR MAKEUP YOU HAVEN’T EVEN MET HER YET” but I just kept on freaking out like...I was SO nervous, I think I actually could’ve vomited in that moment. I’d been planning what I wanted to say to her for forever but I was worried that I would be too nervous to say anything to her and just end up making a fool of myself :( 

Anyway, we eventually arrived in the convention centre, got our tickets scanned, went in, looked for the autograph area AND GUYS.

JENNA WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE. RIGHT FUCKING THERE. There was no line where she was because one of her autograph sessions had just ended or was about to. I just started CRYING and literally as soon as I saw her, I walked away. Like, I couldn’t. My brother and my sister were like “oh my god!!!!!!” but I was like “nonononono I can’t, I can’t look at her, I’m not okay”. 

After a few minutes of dying, I realised people going up to Jenna and getting things signed so I was like “oH she must still be signing things” and my sister told me that I should go up now and meet her while the line was short af instead of go to her next session which was an hour later (which was my original plan). I just kept saying I couldn’t do it bUT THEN I JUST DECIDED “FUCK IT I’M DOING IT”. 

And....................................

I think my soul actually LEFT MY BODY. This was UNREAL. 

I went up to the table where she was doing autographs, picked the photo I wanted her to sign thEN WALKED IN FRONT OF HER. I WAS IN FRONT OF MS JENNA LOUISE COLEMAN, LOOKING RIGHT AT HER. AND THE VERY FIRST THING SHE SAID TO ME WAS “love your outfit!”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS FREAKING TF OUT ON THE INSIDE. I just said “thank you so much!!!!!” then she started signing my photo (I can’t believe I witnessed her write my name like bitchhhh). As she was signing, I was losing my mind. None of it felt real. Here’s how the whole conversation went:

Jenna: Love your outfit! (she did the cutest little point at me and smiled GOD)  Me: Thank you so much!!!!! Jenna: So what’s going on out there? What are we missing? Me: I honestly have no clue ahhaha (I’m actually such an embarrassment wow)  She was finishing up signing my photo then I finally worked up the courage to say something.

Me: I just wanted to say thank you so much for all that you do...because Clara Oswald means so much to me and she’s helped me through some really difficult times in my life and just thank you so much.(It took me like 9032328 years to get this all out though lmfao I was so nervous) Jenna: Thank you!!! (When I started talking, she LOOKED UP AND INTO MY EYES LIKE I SWEAR SHE WAS STARING INTO MY SOUL I WANTED TO DIE SHE WAS REALLY LISTENING TO ME BE A COMPLETE NERD AND HAD THE BIGGEST SMILE ON HER FACE, IT KILLED ME) Me: And I’ve also been completely obsessed with Victoria, you’re so talented I love you so much. Jenna: Aww, thank you. Thank you. (gUYS HER SMILE HAD ME DEAD. IT WAS SO GENUINE AND UGHHHHHHHHH I MISS IT)

Then I took my photo and thanked her again, started walking toward my brother and sister who watched the entire thing happen from afar, and I just started BAWLING. I was literally SHAKING. I couldn’t even speak properly. We were walking away and my sister was asking me what I said to her and everytime I started saying “I thanked her for-” I just cRIED EVEN MORE. IT WAS SO HARD FOR ME TO FUNCTION. 

After we sat down and I calmed down a little bit, I asked my sister if she could see us talking and she said yeah so I asked her what she looked like and she told me she was sMILING SO HARD and I CRIED AGAIN. Then I asked my brother if he could see us and he said YEP I SAW HE SMILING A LOT. It was just so much to take in.

My mum and my sister kept asking me to tell them exactly what I said to her but it’s 392092347 hours later and I still can’t tell them without crying lmaoooo. I just can’t say it out loud. It wasn’t everything I wanted to say (I have PLENTY I want to tell her but we don’t have all the time in the world, sadly). But you know what? I’m SO fucking proud of myself for getting even that much out. I was sooo emotional and nervous and I was so close to just keeping my mouth shut, collecting my photo, then saying thank you and walking away. But I thought ‘nope. I’m going to make the most of this moment’ and bam. I said that. I’m really really really happy I did. Maybe it doesn’t seem like I said much at all to some of you but I honestly think that I got the most important thing out.

ANYWAY, NEXT MY PHOTO WITH HER.

I started lining up an hour early for the photo session so I was pretty close to the front. I was dying but wHATEVER. There were A LOT of people lining up for her. I think it was such a massive line because (other than the fact that she’s Jenna Coleman, of course) she was only doing ONE photo op session and was only in Brisbane for ONE day (and is in Sydney for two, how could she do me this dirty). As soon as her session started, the line started moving VERY QUICKLY. Like, I was shocked at how quickly it was moving. It was incredibly rushed, I think because they tried to make sure everyone got their photo in the little time Jenna had.

I finally reached the photobooth and the poor, poor thing looked sooo exhausted, I wanted to give her a hug. 

There were a few people in front of me in line and at one point I saw the photographer signalling people to hurry up and walk up next to Jenna for the photo. It was like a “hi!” “hi” *pose* “bye!” thing I was liKE DAMN because I wanted to talk to her more. When it was finally my turn, idk what came over me but I pretty much screamed “HI!!!” with the biggest idiot smile on my face but I saw her eyes light up (I’m not delusional I swear to you) and she said “hi!” with that beautiful smile once again. I put my arm around her and SMILED SO BIG (as you can see in the photos above) IT’S EMBARRASSING. I walked away and said “thank you so much!!!!!!” and once I exited the booth, I was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy like I felt so warm inside. Even though I only had two seconds with her, I didn’t care. ANY TIME I GET WITH HER IS GOOD FOR ME. 

Then about half an hour later, I went to collect my photo.................I......................strongly dislike how it turned out........................I’m not even kidding, I hate my smile and and even though I knew I’d look like a giant next to this smol bean, I was still so !?@#>@?!1!!!!!!!! when I saw it for the first time. I was kinda upset over it but SHUT UP ELYSE YOU MET JENNA COLEMAN AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. 

BUT SHE REALLY POINTED AT ME IN OUR PHOTO. A FEW MONTHS AGO I LITERALLY TWEETED THAT IF I EVER GOT THE CHANCE TO MEET HER I’D WANT HER TO DO DO THE ICONIC POINT. 

I’m honestly still so overwhelmed that that happened. Ughhh I love her.

NEXT WAS HER PANEL. 

SHE

IS

THE

CUTEST

THING

EVER

Y’ALL DON’T UNDERSTAND.

I’m not gonna go into details about what she said because she was asked a lot of questions she’d already answered in past cons (YES SHE REALLY TOLD THE STORY OF PETER’S ACCIDENTAL SHOWER AGAIN. IT WAS GLORIOUS) but shE’S TRULY DOWN-TO-EARTH AND LOVELY AND PRECIOUS. She was being so funny and kept making cute faces. I was laughing, dying, and almost cried at one point. It was such a fun little panel and she was talking and talking and I could have listened to her for days. Then the panel ended and I was just so content. 

I’m about to be such an overdramatic bi thc right now but seriously.....I’m not exaggerating when I say that meeting Jenna has been my DREAM for sooooo long. Meeting Jenna in Clara cosplay has been my ultimate dream. And that happened today. I told her what Clara Oswald meant to me (in short) and she listened to me and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. She really means the world to me and I’m so grateful for her and Clara Oswald. I still remember going through some really dark shit a few years ago then putting on Doctor Who and feeling so connected to Clara that I forgot about every bad thing in my life at that moment. I remember the first time I started doing a lil “research” on Jenna and seeing how smol, awkward, sweet, and hella stylish she was and she quickly became MY QUEEN. I adore everything about this woman. I adore her talent, her personality, her entire existence....my heart is just so full. 

Anyway, that’s my summary of today. It was such a good day. I really hope she comes again soon.

She’s also way prettier irl. I didn’t think that was possible buT

[deeisace]

ughhhhhhhhh

if i may ramble slightly

dysphoric as fuck tonight lads

like there’s no one specific thing i just really really want to start T as fast as possible

yknow?

i have a fucking year to wait

and i know a lot of folks have it a ton worse off than me, but that dunt say how i don’t feel shitty

i can’t words apparently, yknow what i mean

i already have waited a year since i finally decided like i’m gonna go to a doc an all that, which was all just more waiting and three times going to a vaguely shitty therapist

i don’t know if it was shitty cs the guy was shitty or cs i can’t words correctly or see tone or none a that so easy when i’m stressed

and i missed a call from my doctors like my gp on friday and the phoneline for them isn’t open til tomorrow and i’m dying what if it was really time sensitive or some bollocks

and also i’m terrible at actually making phone calls

it’s okay when i actually talk, generally, but forcing myself to press the call button is Not Gd

oh apparently there is one specific thing

my chest in particular can fuck the fuck off

except that wont happen for like two and a half years yet

and my voice kinda, except that it’s a bit scratchy cs i’m stressed and my ears/throat are the first things to go, except that i know it only sounds vaguely better cs i’m ill/stressed, and that it won’t properly sound vaguely like this for a very long time yet

and how i very definitely can’t properly predict what’ll happen on T neither prolly wrecks my head like well i know what i’ll look like eventually cs i look exactly like my dad anyway but shorter but the voice and the whole process of Things Happening idk what to expect and and and even tho i’m very sure i want this, i don’t what the this is that’ll happen, not exactly Exactly, yknow

and i think i’m stressed anyway, cs i’m Emotional As Fuck this week apparently, and i got a shitty mark on my research proposal (well, there wunt no mark, but my supervisor was like, change this and this and you need to fucking research everything a ton more otherwise it’ll be shitty etc etc) and i have to force myself to phone my doctor tomorrow and work then there’s also the quiz night tomorrow, with seven other people (including Adam, who i don’t know what to do about at all in any way or even if it’s a Thing but i’m probably gonna sit vaguely away from him and try not to be weird) in pub full of other people and i have to not cry about that but i said i’d go and i will have fun i’m sure of it except there’ll be people and i’ll be awkward and tired and weird

and then there’s just so much uni stuff that i don’t i don’t give a shit about it even tho i’m sposed to be so interested in all this stuff and i am sometimes but i can’t with the assignments and the actually turning up to lessons but i have to because this is important and i’ve spent so long on this i have to finish it even if to just leave it all behind i have to get this degree and i’m in so much debt i can’t have nothing to show even when i never do fuck all with it

and i’m missing the big party at my mum’s this weekend and seeing so many people i havent for years and my parents and my sister bcs i’ve ~got uni stuff to do~

and i haven’t had this much of a cry in a very long time

and i don’t know if i always feel like this in november because i don’t look after myself properly or if it’s an actual Thing cs i do always feel way better in the spring/summer than i do the winter and it’s always october/november that i start to feel this shit and around march that it kinda clears up

and there’s another thing to feel Anxious but Do Nothing about and i’m just gonna stop typing and Cry now okay? okay.