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156-727-77 exam Dumps Source : Threat Prevention Test Code : 156-727-77 Test cognomen : Threat Prevention Vendor cognomen : CheckPoint : 53 true Questions

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CheckPoint Threat Prevention

right 4 public cloud protection threats | killexams.com true Questions and Pass4sure dumps

examine point's 2019 protection file changed into launched on the CPX360 event in Vienna the day past.

Cloud and cellular are the weakest links in IT protection, in line with check factor software applied sciences.

here's one of the crucial key takeaways from the business's 2019 security file launched at its CPX360 event, hosted this week in Vienna, Austria.

based on examine aspect's analysis, 18% of corporations globally had a cloud security incident in the past year, with probably the most accustomed incidents being facts leaks or breaches, account hijacks, and malware infections.

Maya Horowitz, director of haphazard Intelligence & research, and Orli Gan, head of danger Prevention Product, revealed the suitable 4 public cloud protection threats: misconfiguration of cloud systems, leading to records loss or breaches (sixty two%); unauthorised access to cloud elements (55%); insecure interfaces and APIs (50%); and hijacking of money owed or statistics site visitors (47%).

additionally, 30% of IT gurus nevertheless faith protection to breathe the sole responsibility of the cloud provider issuer, and 59% of those authorities Do not exercise cell hazard defences.

"handiest 9% of IT professionals believe threats on mobile a significant security risk," Gan pointed out. "Yet malware can propagate from unprotected cell instruments to organisations' cloud or on-premise networks, exploiting this feeble hyperlink in enterprise protection defences."

The biggest threats to cell clients, she pointed out, were mobile malware, fake or malicious apps, man-in-the heart assaults and tackle vulnerabilities.

Yaniv Balmas, group supervisor of protection analysis at verify factor, described the safety scenario surrounding cloud migration and cellular as 'an hands race', with tech providers, carrier suppliers and conclusion-clients at a disadvantage.

"They must hoist keeping of rules, ought to breathe aware the contact features in the tackle and how every little thing matches together. in the meantime, the attackers are far more agile and simply ready to study what they can hoist edge of," he observed.

As to whose accountability it's to preserve, sustain and advocate protection around cloud and mobile services, Balmas believes this may quiet breathe shared.

"carriers can basically advocate corporations by way of consulting with them on the most suitable solutions for their enterprise necessities...once more, it's a double-edged sword; whereas corporations are aware they deserve to migrate to the cloud, they believe rushed to achieve this and consumer schooling is what suffers."

Ransomware earnings earning doesn't proper infection Decline | killexams.com true Questions and Pass4sure dumps

there has been a decline in ransomware infections, but that doesn't hint that earned income has reduced for cyber-criminals.

based on the third instalment of the investigate aspect 2019 protection document, risk actors are more and more focused on public cloud and mobile deployments as they're determined to breathe the weakest and least included elements in an organization’s IT infrastructure. The analysis organize that 18% of companies globally had a cloud security incident in the past yr; probably the most unvarying incidents own been facts leaks/breaches, account hijacks and malware infections.

additionally, 30% of IT experts nevertheless reckon security is the accountability of the cloud provider provider.

speakme on the launch of the record on the assess aspect event conference in Vienna, Maya Horowitz, director of haphazard intelligence and analysis at determine point, observed that the primary a Part of the research highlighted the upward propel of e-mail-primarily based attacks over net-based, and this turned into because of the discount of exploitable vulnerabilities and greater exercise of exploit kits.

Orli Gan, head of products and possibility prevention at determine factor, introduced that ninety eight% of assaults are aiming to win funds and cryptocurrency. “here is the first aspect attackers travel for and they foretell this now not to change going forward,” she observed.

Gan likewise brought up that ransomware earnings has stayed on the identical stage, and instead of sending mass emails campaigns, attackers in 2018 own been focused on companies as they were extra more likely to pay and the ransom request become dramatically larger.

talking to Infosecurity, Yaniv Balmas, community supervisor of security research at verify factor, pointed out that they are seeing a pair of situations of ransomware assaults on unavoidable targets. “I wouldn’t bellow here is affecting everything ransomware, however perhaps two to 3 big families are doing this, however there is some shift in the style happening now,” he spoke of.

“Ransomware took us a little of time to regulate to, and there are very excellent technologies which can basically advocate away from these sort of assaults, however most likely the guys at the back of this ransomware are opportunistic and attempting to bear as a excellent deal cash as they could.”

asked if he felt that there turned into greater exercise of banking trojans with ransomware declining, as detected in fresh analysis by Proofpoint, Balmas pointed out that there had been a lot of trade within the means banking trojans labored within the ultimate 5 years, as these days “they are doing everything: stealing credentials, injecting into your browser, but they are exceptionally supplying different malware.” He speculated that banking trojans may breathe a sideway to bear some cash, however they are greater of a distribution community.

Infosecurity’s on-line Summit will hoist region on March 26-27, with are vital classes together with “The death of Ransomware: lengthy live other Malware” and “The Persistence of Legacy programs.” Registration is now open, and CPE credits are offered for the 14 periods across both days.

wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention systems Market to descry huge multiply in Future| Cisco, IBM, check element, HP | killexams.com true Questions and Pass4sure dumps

HTF MI posted a brand modern trade analysis that focuses on instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention methods market and delivers in-depth market analysis and future possibilities of global wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention methods market. The examine covers huge information which makes the analysis doc a effortless useful resource for managers, analysts, industry consultants and different key individuals entangle in a position-to-access and self-analyzed study at along with graphs and tables to advocate advocate in mind market tendencies, drivers and market challenges. The examine is segmented by way of application/ stop clients [Finance, Government, IT and Telecom, Health, Utilities & Other], items class [, Wireless Intrusion Detection Systems (WIDS) & Wireless Intrusion Prevention Systems (WIPS)] and a considerable number of crucial geographies enjoy North america (united states, Canada and Mexico), Europe (Germany, France, UK, Russia and Italy), Asia-Pacific (China, Japan, Korea, India and Southeast Asia), South america (Brazil, Argentina, Colombia and so forth.) & middle East and Africa (Saudi Arabia, UAE, Egypt, Nigeria and South Africa)].

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instant intrusion detection systems (WIDS) and wireless intrusion insurance scheme techniques (WIPS) are used to always protect a wireless network and in some cases, a wired network, from unauthorized clients. There are some simple adjustments between both programs. In a WIDS, a tackle of sensors is used to parade screen the community for the intrusion of unauthorized devices, reminiscent of rogue entry facets. In a WIPS, the tackle no longer only detects unauthorized instruments, however likewise takes steps to mitigate the possibility by using containing the gadget and detaching it from the instant network.

The analysis covers the latest market measurement of the world wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention techniques market and its growth prices based on 5 yr background statistics together with company profile of key gamers/manufacturers. The in-depth advice through segments of instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention programs market helps video parade future profitability & to bear Important choices for increase. The suggestions on traits and traits, makes a speciality of markets and materials, capacities, applied sciences, CAPEX cycle and the altering structure of the world wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention programs Market.

The examine offers industry profiling, product photograph and requisites, revenue, market partake and bear contact with suggestions of key producers of world instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention techniques Market, some of them listed listed here are Cisco, IBM, verify aspect, HP, Netscout, AirWave (Aruba), fierce Networks, Fortinet, ForeScout, WatchGuard, Venustech, Topsec, Qihoo 360. The market is growing at a really rapid tempo and with climb in technological innovation, competitors and M&A actions in the industry many aboriginal and regional vendors are providing specific utility products for multiple conclusion-users. the brand modern company entrants in the market are finding it hard to compete with the exotic providers in keeping with first-class, reliability, and innovations in expertise.

world instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention programs (heaps devices) and revenue (Million USD) Market gash up through Product character similar to , instant Intrusion Detection techniques (WIDS) & wireless Intrusion Prevention techniques (WIPS). further the analysis study is segmented via application corresponding to Finance, government, IT and Telecom, fitness, Utilities & different with dilapidated and projected market partake and compounded annual boom price.

Geographically, this record is segmented into a pair of key areas, with creation, consumption, earnings (million USD), and market partake and growth fee of wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention programs in these regions, from 2012 to 2022 (forecast), protecting North the usa (united states, Canada and Mexico), Europe (Germany, France, UK, Russia and Italy), Asia-Pacific (China, Japan, Korea, India and Southeast Asia), South the us (Brazil, Argentina, Colombia and so on.) & middle East and Africa (Saudi Arabia, UAE, Egypt, Nigeria and South Africa) and its partake (%) and CAGR for the forecasted period 2017 to 2022.

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Following will breathe the Chapters to screen the global wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention methods market.

Chapter 1, to report Definition, requirements and Classification of instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention systems, functions of wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention systems, Market phase with the aid of regions;Chapter 2, to anatomize the Manufacturing cost constitution, raw cloth and Suppliers, Manufacturing system, trade Chain structure;Chapter three, to parade the Technical statistics and Manufacturing vegetation evaluation of wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention techniques, skill and industrial creation Date, Manufacturing vegetation Distribution, R&D status and expertise source, raw substances Sources analysis;Chapter 4, to prove the accustomed Market evaluation, potential analysis (business phase), earnings analysis (business segment), sales cost evaluation (company segment);Chapter 5 and 6, to exhibit the Regional Market evaluation that contains North the usa (united states, Canada and Mexico), Europe (Germany, France, UK, Russia and Italy), Asia-Pacific (China, Japan, Korea, India and Southeast Asia), South the usa (Brazil, Argentina, Colombia and so forth.) & heart East and Africa (Saudi Arabia, UAE, Egypt, Nigeria and South Africa), instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention methods segment Market analysis (by using category);Chapter 7 and eight, to research the instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention programs segment Market analysis (by utility) fundamental producers analysis of instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention techniques;Chapter 9, Market style evaluation, Regional Market fashion, Market vogue via Product classification [, Wireless Intrusion Detection Systems (WIDS) & Wireless Intrusion Prevention Systems (WIPS)], Market trend by software [Finance, Government, IT and Telecom, Health, Utilities & Other];Chapter 10, Regional advertising category evaluation, international exchange category evaluation, supply Chain evaluation;Chapter 11, to investigate the buyers analysis of international instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention systems;Chapter 12,13, 14 and 15, to report instant Intrusion Detection and Prevention methods earnings channel, distributors, traders, buyers, analysis Findings and Conclusion, appendix and data source.

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What this analysis study at presents:

international wireless Intrusion Detection and Prevention programs Market partake assessments for the regional and country stage segmentsMarket partake evaluation of the proper trade playersStrategic strategies for the brand modern entrantsMarket forecasts for at least 5 years of the entire mentioned segments, sub segments and the regional marketsMarket trends (Drivers, Constraints, alternatives, Threats, Challenges, funding opportunities, and suggestions)Strategic techniques in key enterprise segments based on the market estimationsCompetitive landscaping mapping the Important thing commonplace trendsCompany profiling with targeted techniques, financials, and up to date developmentsSupply chain developments mapping the latest technological advancements

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factors for purchasing this ReportThis document offers pin-element analysis for changing aggressive dynamicsIt gives a ahead looking viewpoint on various factors driving or restraining market growthIt offers a six-12 months forecast assessed on the groundwork of how the market is estimated to growIt helps in realizing the Important thing product segments and their futureIt provides pin point analysis of altering competitors dynamics and keeps you forward of competitorsIt helps in making informed industry choices by having comprehensive insights of market and by making in-depth analysis of market segments

Thanks for reading this text; that you could likewise entangle particular person chapter sagacious section or belt prudent file version enjoy North america, Europe or Asia.

HTF Market file is a totally owned company of HTF market Intelligence Consulting inner most confined. HTF Market report world analysis and market intelligence consulting solid is uniquely positioned to now not most efficient identify multiply opportunities however to likewise empower and inspire you to create visionary boom thoughts for futures, enabled via their astonishing depth and breadth of plan leadership, research, equipment, hobbies and event that advocate you for making dreams perquisite into a truth. Their understanding of the interaction between industry convergence, Mega trends, applied sciences and market traits gives their consumers with modern enterprise models and expansion alternatives. we're focused on settling on the “correct Forecast” in each industry they cowl so their customers can garner the benefits of being early market entrants and may accomplish their “desires & goals”.

Craig Francis (PR & marketing supervisor)HTF Market Intelligence Consulting deepest LimitedUnit No. 429, Parsonage street Edison, NJNew Jersey usa – 08837Phone: +1 (206) 317 [email protected]

This release was posted on openPR.

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Threat Prevention

CATO FORTIFIES CLOUD-NATIVE SECURITY SERVICES WITH modern THREAT PREVENTION AND DETECTION ENGINES | killexams.com true questions and Pass4sure dumps

Media releases are provided as is and own not been edited or checked for accuracy. Any queries should breathe directed to the company issuing the release.

Cato boosts network protection with modern zero-footprint managed threat detection and response (MDR) service & SentinelOne zero-day threat prevention integration

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL, February 26, 2019 -- Cato Networks, the cloud-native carrier, announced today two additions to Cato Security Services. Cato Managed Threat Detection and Response (MDR) offloads the resource-intensive and skill-dependent process of detecting compromised endpoints onto Cato. A modern partnership with SentinelOne, the leading provider of autonomous endpoint protection solutions, brings zero-day threat prevention to Cato’s cloud-based network protection. The two introductions boost the stopping power of Cato’s security services, providing CISOs with seamless, comprehensive detection and prevention against a wide compass of threats.

“Stopping advanced threats and reducing the time to eliminate existing ones are essential for enterprise security. With SentinelOne’s industry-leading, AI-powered threat prevention technology and Cato MDR, they extend the easily deployable, multi-layer security built into their cloud-native carrier platform,” says Shlomo Kramer, CEO and co-founder of Cato Networks.

CATO: ZERO-FOOTPRINT THREAT PREVENTION AND DETECTION

Despite the cumbersome investment in threat prevention tools, attackers continue to penetrate enterprises of everything sizes. Detecting network-resident threats quiet takes too long with dwell time on mediocre exceeding 100 days. Reducing that window has required significant investment in dedicated and tangled security and data analysis tools along with hiring hard-to-find, skilled security staff to operate them.

With today’s announcements, Cato changes that paradigm. Cato’s security services already included next-generation firewall (NGFW), intrusion prevention system (IPS), URL filtering (URLF), and anti-malware. With Cato MDR and SentinelOne zero-day, next-generation threat prevention, Cato now brings enterprises complete detection and protection against advanced threats without the complexity of additional hardware, software agents, or the exigency to access highly specialized security expertise.

SQUASH MALWARE DWELL TIME WITH CATO MDR

Cato MDR is a fully managed service that offloads the detection of compromised endpoints onto Cato’s security operation heart (SOC) team. Cato MDR includes:

• AUTOMATED THREAT HUNTING —- machine learning algorithms study for anomalies across billions of flows in Cato’s data warehouse and correlate them with threat intelligence sources and tangled heuristics. This process produces a little number of suspicious events for further analysis.

• EXPERT THREAT VERIFICATION — Cato security researchers review flagged endpoints and assess the validity and severity of the risk, only alerting on actual threats. Cato relieves customers from handling the flood of false-positives that suck precious IT resources.

• THREAT CONTAINMENT — Verified live threats can breathe contained automatically by blocking C&C domains and IP addresses, or disconnecting compromised machines or users from the network.

• GUIDED REMEDIATION — The Cato SOC advises on the risk’s threat level, recommended remediation, and follows up until the threat is eliminated.

“Cato MDR has already discovered several pieces of malware missed by their antivirus system and they removed them more quickly because of Cato,” says Andrew Thomson, director of IT systems and services at BioIVT, a provider of biological products to life sciences and pharmaceutical companies. BioIVT relies on Cato to connect and secure its global network.

“We thought updating their security architecture was going to require running around to different vendors, piecing together a solution, and going through everything of the deployment and management pains. So, when they organize out that Cato not only delivered a global network but likewise built-in security services and now MDR, they were extremely excited. It was a huge help.”

ZERO-DAY THREAT PREVENTION WITH SENTINELONE

Cato is likewise announcing next-gen threat prevention capabilities from SentinelOne. The company’s industry-leading, AI-based, endpoint protection solution identifies threats without signatures, making SentinelOne particularly efficient at stopping zero-day malware.

Cato uniquely implemented the SentinelOne threat prevention engine as a network-level defense. SentinelOne will Run in Cato’s PoPs globally, analyzing files in transit from the Internet or other Cato-connected resources, such as sites and mobile users. As such, Cato prevents zero-day malware from ever reaching targeted endpoints or poignant laterally across the WAN.

“Cato’s network-based implementation of SentinelOne’s Nexus SDK will accelerate the deployment of next-gen threat prevention capabilities across customer networks of everything sizes,” says Tomer Weingarten, CEO and Co-Founder, SentinelOne. “In today’s hyper-connected world, security is a core and inseparable tenant of networking. Partnering with Cato provides a robust, network-based, threat prevention solution that’s seamless, smart, and smooth to deliver across the globe.”

CATO DELIVERS COMPREHENSIVE SECURITY EVERYWHERE

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Tyler ISD says no credible threat at Lee after social media rumors | killexams.com true questions and Pass4sure dumps

Tyler ISD responded to concerns of a practicable social media threat on Thursday.

A text alert went out to parents Thursday morning stating the district had hear chatter on students’ social media about a threat toward Robert E. Lee tall School, but the district said there was no information about a credible or visible threat.

The alert likewise said that the district was putting extra resources in space on the campus out of an abundance of caution.

Tyler ISD Director of Communications Dawn Parnell said no one was charged or arrested in connection to a practicable threat.

KYTX CBS19 reported that Principal Dan Crawford greeted parents and students at the gate as they began to arrive for the school day.

Tyler ISD employs a police department with more than a dozen certified police officers. Each tall school campus has three officers assigned, with that number set to grow to four each.

Tyler ISD likewise hosted a school resource officer training conference for officers everything over the region, which included 40 hours of training ranging from threat response and prevention to mentoring training.

Parents and students can anonymously report bullying through the “No Bully Zone” link on each of the campus websites at TylerISD.org

Microsoft Unveils 'Azure Sentinel' and 'Threat Experts' for Security | killexams.com true questions and Pass4sure dumps

Microsoft Unveils 'Azure Sentinel' and 'Threat Experts' for Security

Just days before the 2019 RSA Conference, Microsoft on Thursday announced the preview releases of two modern cloud-based security services: Azure Sentinel and Threat Experts.

Azure Sentinel is a aboriginal security information and event management (SIEM) instrument that runs in Microsoft's public cloud. Ann Johnson, corporate vice president for Cybersecurity Solutions at Microsoft, touted Azure Sentinel as "the first cloud-native SIEM within a major cloud platform" during a media briefing on Wednesday.

Johnson said Sentinel was built from scratch with the advocate of industry partners as a modern security instrument to collect, parse and present security data from users, devices, applications and infrastructure, both on-premises and in the cloud. enjoy many of Microsoft's current initiatives, key selling points are the flexible and scalable nature of having the solution running in the cloud and the ability to leverage Microsoft's synthetic intelligence (AI) infrastructure and expertise.

At the same time, Microsoft likewise championed the tool's potential to gash both administrative burdens of on-premises SIEM approaches and the time wasted on inconsequential SIEM alerts.

"I don't exigency to own people maintaining infrastructure, patching, dealing with upgrades, things enjoy that. I've just got my people focused on finding threats," said Eric Doerr, universal manager of the Microsoft Security Response heart (MSRC), in a video about the MSRC's dogfooding of Azure Sentinel.

[Click on image for larger view.] The dashboard for the public preview of the Microsoft Azure Sentinel cloud-native SIEM. (Source: Microsoft)

Johnson sequel the alerts in the context of the IT security skills gap. "The cybersecurity landscape is at a point where the attackers Do own an edge due to a lack of skilled cyberdefenders. With an estimated shortfall of over 3 million security professionals by 2021, there simply are not enough defenders to advocate pace with the growing profit occasion that cybercrime offers," she said. "Existing defenders are overwhelmed by threats and alerts. They often disburse their days chasing down erroneous alarms instead of doing what they Do best, investigating and solving tangled cases."

Microsoft contends that its machine learning (ML) algorithms and scholarship from handling trillions of signals each day inform the Sentinel tool.

Pricing has not been set for Azure Sentinel. The preview is free and licensed Office 365 customers will breathe able to import data into the instrument for free as an ongoing feature once the service is generally available.

The other preview, Threat Experts, is a high-end, "managed threat hunting service" within Windows Defender Advanced Threat Protection (ATP) that's aimed at security operations centers. The intent is again to exercise Microsoft's expertise, AI/ML resources and massive global signals collection to provide context around security alerts that could advocate organizations find, prioritize and respond to security problems. The service consists of beset notifications that are supposed to breathe tailored to an organization's needs and the availability of Microsoft experts who can breathe engaged on demand.

[Click on image for larger view.] Microsoft Threat Experts provides customized alerts in the Windows Defender Security Center. (Source: Microsoft)

"Not every organization has access to the smooth of human expertise they need. Microsoft is now offering their security experts as an extension of their customers teams," Johnson said. "Experts provide the insights their customers exigency to entangle additional clarification on alerts, including root antecedent or scope of an incident, suspicious machine conduct and next steps if faced with an advanced attacker. They can likewise advocate determine risk and protection regarding threat actors campaigns or emerging attacker techniques."

Although the modern Threat Experts service is likewise in preview, customers will already exigency to own Windows Defender ATP to access it. The Windows Defender ATP platform is a toolbox of prevention, detection, investigation and response tools for enterprises. Threat Experts joins elements enjoy beset surface reduction, endpoint detection and response, automated investigation and remediation, Secure Score and advanced hunting tools. Windows Defender ATP is available only in Microsoft's most expensive licensing packages, such as Windows 10 Enterprise E5 and Microsoft 365 E5.

Posted by Scott Bekker on 02/28/2019 at 12:22 PM

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survivorsunsetrodeo · 3 years

Text

Ep 11 | No Regrets. No Mercy. It's Happening. - Ari

youtube

Y'all.... the way I just.... asked Emma if she had an idol flaksjlakjfakls

She said no at first, but now she's saying yes lmao. OMG. I literally don't know what to do with this information other than like sit on it? Emma seems to be okay with me knowing this and as much as I want to tell Ari..... god idk this is so big.

This could really shake up the game for me and split up some of the big people in my alliance lkfjalkfja. GOD. Why did I even ask. Well knowledge is power and she wouldn't just like tell me if she didn't trust me???

I know I can't beat Ari and I think against Taylor it would be super close, but I also love them so much, so I would feel so bad if one of them went home bc of me lfkjalkfja. Like what is even happening rn!!! I just. Can't breathe.

YALL. I just. CANNOT.

Taylor calls me right. And says oh btw Jacob, Ari, and Ali pooled money at swap in order to get the REVOLVER. Which they neglected to tell me. Which is so cute. But THEN! She also tells me that Ali wants to go for Ari this round flshjsjshaa which is kinda hot and I’m BITTER AF because I literally fucking spilled my entire anxious heart to Ari and felt like they were my number 1 and NOW they’ve been hiding shit from me??? Goodbye. So then I tell Taylor about Emma having the beer and now we know where both idols are this round so woo!

So then Ali starts to call me to tell me goodnight and that he loves me (he’s such a sweetie) and I was like Ali what’s the tea? And he just SPILLS everything to me about all the alliances he’s in with Ari and how he knows we don’t stand a chance against Ari at final tribal council. WHICH IS ALL FACTUAL. And definitely things I’ve been thinking about, but also haven’t had the guts to say anything about. So basically a plan was hatched in order to get the 3-2-2 vote to still happen but have it land on ARI with the idol in their pocket this round. I am literally going to go ALL OUT for the next immunity comp bc Ari cannot win.

Sorry Ari, this town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

got my third idol probably gonna waste it thanks nic hehe <3 Its funny that i was on the very bottom of the tribe now that these people found out i have the idol they want to be my bestie and vote with me i am gonna try very hard to win this immunity so i could only maybe play the immunity idol on josh or he can play it on himself ASDFGH also f2 with 8 people jury just say that redemption island is happening i guess my game plan i hope is to get out ari (pain) then maybe flip and get out maybe dan/jacob i have a feeling after this vote that dan/jacob are probably gonna flip get one of me or josh out probs josh but i dont want that to happen so i am gonna try to make sure i keep on trying to build my relationship with taylor more like i did last tribal also noted wow my biggest weakness in orgs is not my emotions its honestly my self confidence damn also talk to ali more my goat brother <3 also i really miss brandi she was really nice also i feel bad but not super bad that jabari was out i wanted to work with them last vote but they were throwing me utb that wasnt good.. Idk maybe if i hella play these last few rounds then make a very convincing case maybe i do have a small chance of winning idk fuck touchy subjects AHHH it shouldnt effect me now but tribal made me remember again ASDFG even tho theres people who havent made moves like me.

https://prnt.sc/xo035n

youtube

The way I was complaining weeks ago that I was gonna go 16th place...I have to laugh. Me and Emma seems to be in a power position this round since the majority alliance is probably starting to turn against each other according to Ari which is great because I'll have options. Last round I told Emma to distance ourselves and search for cracks within the majority alliance. That led to Ari creating The Clementines alliance with me, Ari and Taylor. Now I'm on board on this group but Tay's been doubting keeping me over Jabari as soon as they found out Emma bought another idol. I'm lying to everyone that I didnt give Emma money (which I did) and told them Nic gave Emma money before he left (which was true but it wasn't enough to buy a $500 idol). Emma got close with Dan and Jacob (separately?) but after all the disassociation with Emma people still think we're working together because they keep bringing our names in private conversations. Emma thinks it's Ari & Tay vs Dan & Jacob but Ari tells me that they are willing to vote with me and Emma this round (with Jacob? idk) but I'm not really sure what the dynamics is on their side but Ari wants to go after Tay and Dan which I'm totally on board with the idea. I would rather have Dan go first because I think the Ari and Tay thing can still be useful and Dan has more pre-existing relationships than Tay I think. The best case scenario is for me to win Immunity and with Emma having the tier 2 idol the majority alliance is forced to turn against each other prematurely. Signs have already been forming when Jacob and I called a few days ago about "Taking out the threats". If I can pull off pretending to have an idol too that'd be great because it appears that NO ONE knows where the t3 idol is which is weird. One more thing is that someone noticed about the finale being a F2 with 8 Jury Members. That really doesn't sound right and people seemingly getting money out of nowhere it's possible that some sort of Edge of Extinction or Redemption Island could be at play here. I wonder how far it goes....Premergers feel like they've been gone for far too long to have an impact in the game but hey I could be wrong.

lolz i need to win immunity or josh idk josh is probably good at math i hate math but im gonna keep on trying hehe also if i see something in the saloon brought i know alis ass brought the idol im just gonna keep on trying to remind ali like hey bro if u want a chance of winning dont vote me off aha

trust list you probably know 1: Josh > everyone else i need more ideas to make confessionals i am kinda tired at this point but dont give up until its over but honestly my tiredness is probably why i am in the retirement home also not me winning like 75 dollars when i almost wanted to abstain because this challenge is always a nightmare this challenge is more fun the emoji math maze... i think ali probs has the idol if he has 135 left when i told him if not if i see something in the saloon brought ill assume ali brought a tier 2 idol i know this tribal is gonna be crazy so i am gonna mentally prepare for it i also told dan i have the idol which is an L but everyone knows that i have it because why would they say they want to work with me when they hella lied to me during the nic vote also its the fact they seem me hey best person to take to f2 next to ali thank god for this idol honestly i guess another thing im worried about i need to distance myself from josh but thats impossible because i know jacob was straight up with me and told me he wanted to work with me and josh also dan also was kinda like that as long as i can get myself safe this vote ill be fine but like i said in my other confessional i know dan is probably gonna flip next round maybe i am thinking about targetting them if ari wins immunity o.o also i belong in a retirement hope random thing live finales make me wanna kms because what if i cry live thats so sad and my biggest fear im kinda okay at talking at finales.

so u can score like 100m in this challenge good bye brb gonna try to get the most points..

youtube

ok here's the status report before i go off to bed:

dan is almost definitely tryin some funny business so he has got to go. i'm working with josh and emma on this one and i truly believe they are genuine, and jacob is obvs with that so it'd be four votes dan, three votes whatever the heck happens with the adoption centre split-vote plan. i don't think i even need to play my idol however im debating whether i should do so anyway because taylor is very much on the don't-break-ranks-just-trust bandwagon and i feel like she is going to be angery if i break that to go after dan without it looking like i felt very in danger? i dunno tbh. i could just pin it all on jacob and pretend to be shockedt but that feels a bit dirty and i'd like to own my moves thank u very much.... guess i'll play it out tomorrow and see how i feel

Not me waking up at 3am to a message from Taylor saying that Ari is feeling sketched out by me because I’m being calm.

Oh yeah Ari? Do you want me to act paranoid? I can do that, but maybe I’m not paranoid bc I know where both idols are this round. It just makes me think that Ari likes that I get paranoid and freaked out.

Part of me actually wants to tell them everything about the plan to get them out but at the same time I feel like that will get me voted out. I feel like the mind games are becoming a little too much for me and I don’t even really feel like playing anymore.

lol of course the person i wanted the least to win immunity wins immunity. Things are definitely starting to get spicy and i might've pushed it a little farther when i lied and said Dan is coming after Ari and I mean he might be but it's the push i needed to make for Ari TO STOP BEING VAGUE TO ME.

Bebop (named after Cowboy Bebop don't call me a weeb) has been formed yesterday and it's me, Emma and Ari. What a Galapagos reunion. Ari told that the majority alliance's plan is to split the votes 3-2-2. The 3 is possibly me because it's no secret Emma is going to play an idol. If no shenanigans happen it should be 3 for Dan, 2 for me and 2 for Emma with Dan going home but I do not feel good about this plan because if an idol is played then there's a high chance another one will. I plan on taking Emma's idol and playing it for myself with the reasoning is that there are people willing to keep Emma because of her goat status over me.

What's interesting to me is that Ari told me that Jacob doesn't like Dan and I'm not exactly sure why but if Jacob is open to voting Dan then I more than welcome it. Me, Emma, Ari and Jacob is the alliance that I've been wanting since merge started and how that hasn't been solidified yet is tragic. They're the three people I enjoy talking to the most. I mean, Taylor's great too but she's coming after me so she gotta go! The way that she messaged Ari saying "Are you sure it was the right choice to keep Josh?"....ARI OF ALL PEOPLE. Well, I'm glad the secret pair beware of #TeamLasagna is still going strong. Now that Ari has become less vague I know I can trust them a lot more.

i literally do not understand any of these people and it is driving me NUTS!!!

ok ok ok so like. josh tells me this morning that taylor said she wants to make a move on me because she heard i was talking to people one-on-one about her being most likely to flip. i immediately go oh f*#&$&#@ dan because i had SORT OF said that in our call yesterday so ofc he twisted it and used it against me. except!! then taylor herself calls me and says "josh came to me and asked if i trusted you and i wanted to get info from him so i made up this lie about how you'd said i was most likely to flip, i'm concerned he's coming for you" and i'm like oh f*#&$%#@ me. ofc my first instinct is to think she's lying as it seems like far too big of a coincidence for her to randomly come up with this story that is partially true..... BUT why on earth would she be telling me all this then? does she want to flush my idol? did she think the story would come back to me and wanted to get ahead of it? either way it doesn't make sense for her to say anything if she truly wants to vote me out, but the coincidence.... too much....... and should i be less certain of my relationship with josh? or are both their versions of the story true and they both don't want me out? my head is pounding i swear. plus jacob said that taylor told him she's "worried" about me because of what josh was saying, which lends more credibility to the idea she's being earnest in not wanting me out UNLESS she is aware of how close we are and assumes i'd tell him (i did)? I DON'T KNOW I JUST DO NOT KNOW

and then if that ISN'T enough, i have dan over here being completely erratic, first telling me how bad a day he's had that he almost wants to ask to be voted out, then saying that josh had thrown my name out which like ya i told josh he could do that. but dan's like "i'm not voting you ari i would never" and it's frustrating cuz he knows how to get to my emotions and i wanna believe him! i really do! especially since if he truly wanted me out he shouldn't tell me any of that shit. but i can't trust it i can't!!!!!! it's too risky!!!!!! ughhhhhhh

tl;dr this vote is a mindfuck and i'm 99% going to play my idol because i don't trust any of these fools anymore

also if i had a dollar for every time i tell jacob he needs to go be convincing to someone and he's like "ok bet" and fifteen minutes later that person is telling me "idk about jacob he's being so vague didn't really give me anything" i would have enough money to buy back my gun after i use it tonight

Y’all, sadly I think I’ve yeed my last haw

Well ignore my last confessional i dont want ari out idc how big of a threat they are or good at the game they are im gonna be loyal as i can to them idk before this i thought big moves and like flipping plus being kinda deceitful was to win i did get pots last year for playing that game tho but its like idk i feel like a new side to me like i rather be loyal to people who i been loyal to from the start and not make a move just to make a big move if i lose 7-0 so be it this game i had hopes of people working with me then being deceitful to me so i am just gonna do whatever tf i want this doesnt mean i dont like the people who i am against i think this merge was full of lovely people but theres people i am more loyal then others i honestly gave josh my idol to play because i rather not be alone without them in this game then be dragged to the end by somebody else also this is funny in orgs i thought years and years back ago me and ari are like oil and water, ketchup and ice cream but playing this game with them has been so much fun!! Also if i some how get betrayed or voted off in any round its okay NNN yeah i wish i had more of a game to prove but its very hard when everyone has different connections i really hope dan isnt super mad at me voting them off i really like dan as a person sometimes im dry in his pms but i did love like playing this game with them!! also i wish i can delete my first conf nnn

ugh i am just truly unsatisfied with this round no matter how it actually shakes out. i dont know what to say to taylor about dan going and i'm frankly too tired to think about it, i hate that im most likely wasting my idol but i would kick myself if i didn't play it & got stabbed, and i'm sad about the collapse of the adoption centre which is partly/mostly my fault anyway. i would like to get this over with as quickly as possible.

7th place isn’t something to be sad about I guess. Just wish I could have made it farther. I’m gonna be the most bitter juror out there tbh haha sorry Ari!

youtube

This round is so scary I feel really bad about Dan

i'm so nervous about who is gonna go omg i haven't heard my name at all but i am still nervous and idk who to trust ahhhh

I came from the best player to the one going home

Power Rankings ONE - JACOB (+2) Threat: 6 (+2) Trust: 2 (NC) Looking back on this round, I didn’t realize how much power Jacob really had. Jacob could have single handedly sent dan home, but failed to communicate his intentions with the minority. Had Jacob of done this, I could have easily seen him sitting in the final 2. However, this misstep will have major consequences on his game. TWO - TAYLOR (+4) Threat: 7 (+2) Finally getting myself back into a position of power. Regardless of my downfall last round, I picked myself back up and went out of my way to message josh and Emma to see if they’d like to do something. Fortunately for me, they did. I could have sent dan home this round if Jacob had of talked to me (but he had no service). I would have been sitting pretty is a majority of 3 with Emma and josh. Threat level back up, back on track to win the game. THREE - JOSH (+1) Threat: 7 (+3) Trust: 7 (+5) Just like I predicted last round, Josh realized it was time to start making the right moves to get himself further. He just needed to break up the trio. I credit myself more than I credit josh though because I reached out to him, had I not of, he could have went home. But him joining with me was a good move for his game and he recognizes that. FOUR - EMMA (+1) Threat: 4 (+2) Trust: 7 (+5) Emma, similarity to josh had a good round because of me approaching them. Emma and josh didn’t even realize their games were at risk until I figured out that Ari, dan and Jacob weren’t voting me, rather voting one of them. Emma still left this round, but honestly if there was communication on Jacobs part about a flip on the revote, us 3 would have skated by. https://i.imgur.com/lFtZBsl.png FIVE - ARI (-4) Threat: 8 (-2) Trust: 1 (-1) Ari really lost control of their game at this point. Not only are they the biggest threat to win, but now they’re the biggest threat to win challenges. I also saw a different side of Ari that I can’t say I like. It’s funny because I used to always think to myself, “Ari seems nothing like an Aries, they’re so calm and wonderful and sweet” YEAH throw all of that out the window. Mad Ari is a different Ari lol. Anyways back on track, they for once I think were shocked by a vote, the double tie they had no control over. And finally, finally I think we are starting to see the decline of Ari’s game. Threat level is something I’m still trying to figure out how to control, and if you fail to control it like Ari did, you’ll see a similar result. SIX - DAN (-4) Threat: 4 (-3) Trust: 7 (+3) Dan lands here because of his failure to mend a relationship with me, now that I had Emma and josh wanting to work with me, Ari won immunity, and Jacob had an idol, it really only left me with the option of voting for dan. If Jacob had of said something, dan would have left this round. Because dan chose to link back up with Ari last round, and Ari lost control this round, subsequently that means dan also lost control. The one thing Dan has over is he isn’t seen as the biggest threat in the game.

#confessionals #AintNoGloryInTheWest

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wednesdirose · 5 years

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So this is the end of my rope.

I am HIGHLY aware of the fact that I have said before that, “Today I want to kill myself more than I ever have before,” but today tops that last time. I may have used that title to... I’m a creature of habit (Also anyone that remembers this: Hello! I think you may be like the fact that i’m still alive, if you were someone cared. That’s probably not gonna last but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

The other day I was depressed and becoming increasingly more suicidal by the moment, so I decided to go to my parents apartment and spend time with my family. Both of my older brothers in the last like 6 months have moved back home so my parents apartment has a lot of people in it (6 people including my little siblings who are not yet old enough to move out). I find just being around people makes me feel better even if I am not actually engaging anyone or being engaged by anyone. I ended up staying for a whole week and a day, and only leaving to go to work once and then returning back because it was still an option. The day before my last day there my brother came home drunk.

He was not only drunk but upset and feeling depressed because of the pressure he is currently feeling as a very talented, under appreciated and taken advantage-of sound engineer. I missed most of him going off and being upset and venting about his current situation but when I came into the convo, It was crazy because he was saying a lot of things I felt but in terms of his own life. I honestly didn’t know what to say other than I know how he feels and to just listen. He apologized for venting and being emotional and unloading on me and my other brother’s girlfriend (whom he was venting to before I came into the room) but I told him that It was totally fine! And that he knows I’m not gonna judge him. I’m honestly the last one who can judge anyone and he and my family knows it because I've almost killed myself before and was sent to a psych ward. I REALLY can’t judge anyone’s problems. This prompted my brother to say that he loves me and he side hugged me and told me this is why I was his favorite and that I was always was understanding that he felt like I understood him even more than his twin sometimes. He told me he wasn’t just saying it because he was drinking and that he had only had a beer and that he wasn’t that drunk( which I believed at the time because he wasn’t slurring his words but my brothers are drinkers and it takes a lot to get them slurring. He also retracted this statement the next day and said that he wasn’t wasted but was totally drunk.) He started saying all sorts of stuff like he really appreciates me and that he always thought that I was awesome and he was glad that I was in his life. He said that he has always admired me because good or bad I’ve always done what I wanted to do and I’ve always done things my way. He said all these things that I’ve always wanted to hear and I remember thinking that this is everything I’ve wanted hear.... BUT it didn’t FEEL like was hearing what I was hearing. It felt like a regular convo. Then he mentioned drinking again and a memory flooded back to me.

You see me and my older brothers have been friends for three-ish years. My older brothers HATED me when we were little and would sometimes bully me. But it wasn’t completely my or their faults. Up until the third grade my father would manipulate me and use me as a weapon against my brothers, which was something I didnt realize until was much older. My father would bribe me with food and affection and things that I wanted in return for me to “tattle” to him about suspicions he had about my brothers. My brother were very mischievous boys, so almost all of the time he was right. My father being a military man was very harsh, and would give them (looking back) EXTREMELY harsh punishments. He punished them the way his father would (a man my father still considers satan and wouldn’t let me meet when he was alive because he was evil.) This made my brothers hate me. And they hated me for most of my life and showed it.

The memory was of a night when I was in 7th grade and my teenage brother came home drunk. REALLY DRUNK. He came to my room and started talking to me and I don’t remember what he said but that was the FIRST time I ever felt like he LIKED me and that I wasn’t alone, which I was starting to feel more and more. He said all these nice things to me and it felt good and it was an important moment to me. The next morning I tried to talk to him about it.... and he smacked me in my face. Hard. And he told me that I was a liar and that it didn’t happen.

In that moment I decided to share this memory with him (even though he was feeling shitty because IM shitty) and he said that he remembered, which is significant because I thought he wouldn’t remember that or tell me I was lying which was a reoccurring thing every time I tried to bring up shitty things they’ve done to me. But he said he remembered and that he was sorry and that he did so many shitty things to me that I probably don’t even remember (Which mind you, I do. I’ve held on tight to every fucked up thing my family members have EVER done to me.) He said he was so sorry for everything and that his problem with me wasn’t really with me but my father and he didn't realize that until he was older. And then it was like 6 am and he needed to go to sleep.

Looking back on this night I realize why I didn’t feel anything when he said the things I wanted someone to tell me and that that memory was a warning and a reminder. That he was only saying those things because he was drunk and in his feelings and that he probably wouldn’t say any of it otherwise.

My WHOLE LIFE I’ve felt alone. The only time I didn’t feel alone is when I was with my “High school sweetheart” of almost 2 years and he left me. He left me because I was broken and depressed and fucked up and I didn't know how to love someone or be in a relationship or treat someone and I was (in hindsight) Very abusively clingy and over barring towards the end. I’ll probably never be able to convince anyone else to stay with me past the dating phase, enter into relationship with me and actually stay.... And I don’t blame them. And Ill probably never find someone as close to perfect for me as he was and I fucked it up because that’s what i’m good at. Ruining everything. He even IMMEDIATELY hopped into a relationship with someone else. SO that can tell you how much of a nightmare I was. He still visits my dreams sometimes, so that tells you how much he impacted me and how much I loved him. Sometimes we get back together in my dreams or are together and those are the hardest fucking mornings. I’m not sure if I miss him or something or what that means.... I think it's just because he is the only person I’ve been able to convince to love me and the only person I’ve TRULY opened up to and who knew (the high school version of) the real me and still wanted to be with me...

My father left my mother when I was like 12 years old. And when they divorced he basically divorced me too. He moved out and I didnt see him for a while because he “didnt have furniture” or whatever. Then we (me and my little sister) would barely go over his house because he always had some fabulous excuse. Most of the time it was car related or he had work or medical related. Then when we would go over his house he would stay to his self in his room and barely interact with us unless is was time for a meal or he was taking us to church with him (which he stopped going to a few year into the separation) and HE WOULD STILL PICK UP SHIFTS on his weekends with us. The REALLY funny thing is sometimes he would leave to a girlfriends house, which at first I would go but after awhile I was just like nope because he would spend time with the girlfriend and me and my sister would be stuck with the girlfriend’s stupid kids. OR he would invite over his lady friends and be in his room with them. But were our weekends about us, his daughters, and spending time with us?? No. He did that for 6 years.

It’s funny because I felt like he was the only one in my corner until he divorced us. I always felt like my mom just liked my brothers more and she always took their side but my dad was always in my corner. Even against the love of his life. But looking back I dont have any real memories of that man. Because even in selling out my brothers for affection and trying my hardest to get that man to show me he loved me, He never really gave a fuck. I remember when I learned the word “bond” and realized that normal families “bond” from watching TV. I began to ask my parents especially my father, whom did not work most of my childhood, to “bond” with me. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! I had to beg my parents to bond with me. My father, whom spent most of his time in the front room on his fat ass watching tv, told me just sitting next to him quietly while we watched BET was “bonding”. IS THAT NOT FUCKING PATHETIC?! If anyone is wondering, I dont know a damn thing about that man frfr. But at least he isn’t a dead beat right? My parents moved in together last year to save money and I go over there all the time. Does he take initiative to spend time with me or even really talk to me? No. He doesn’t. I’m 21 and known him for 21 year and he’s just like every other stranger. The only difference is I have a key to his apartment.

My mother and I have NEVER had a great relationship. We currently have a pretty okay relationship but in my adolescence I thought my own mother hated me (up until I almost killed myself at 17. Then she was a WHOLE lot nicer all of a sudden.) I really didnt have a relationship with my mother as a child because she was always the “bread-winner” and her spouse was always playing “stay at home dad,” until she left my little brother’s dad. She would leave for work before I woke up for school, come home looong after I got there, crack open a can or a box for dinner, go to sleep and start over. I practically raised myself through middle school and through TV, Google and other middle-schoolers, I taught myself how to be a girl and take care of myself. I still to this day wish I had an older sister who could have helped me navigate certain things and avoid ridicule about other things.... but I didnt. I had two older brothers, going through their own shit, raising themselves, whom hated me. She is also an AF AM mother and not to stereo type black families but black families have a tendency to perpetuate toxic behavior with each other in terms of ridiculing each other and tearing each other down and thinking its funny. SO, I being my family’’s weirdo and an outsider in my family, got the worst of it, especially from her (especially after my father abandoned me in that house with her.) I remember in middle school she asked me on two separate occasions if I felt like she loved me. I should have said no, But I didn’t know that then. What I said was, “Of course! You’re my mother and you have to love me.” Both times she responded the same: “I don’t Have to love you.” At the time I didn't understand this but I do know. Because she was always working and having to support five kids by herself she was always stressed. I was unlucky enough to be the target of this stress hurricane. By the time I was in high school, she had lost complete control over my brothers so all of the house work and taking care of my little sister and EVERYTHING, including her stress hurricane, fell on me. And as a depressed/lazy teenager, who could see how unbalanced the way she treated me was versus my siblings, I was not about it. The older I was getting the more I began to stand up for myself or in her eyes, became disobedient. Our relationship throughout my teenage years was TERRIBLE. And we had NEVER had a "good” relationship to begin with so it was REALLY REALLY TERRIBLE. Once I almost killed myself and costed her hundreds of dollars (which she made sure I knew I was costing her) to send me to a psych ward and for meds and a psychiatrist and a psychologist, She began to realize that I’m a pathetic, sensitive crybaby who will kill myself if you're mean to me, and slowly (but surely) began to be nicer to me. Our relationship in present day is much better but my Mother being my mother she has NEVER apologized for ANYTHING she has EVER done to me (except back when my parents were married and my father would make her apologize to me if he felt she did something wrong) and she never will apologize or admit to treating at least a little bit worse than she should have and I will NEVER forget, so I will NEVER move on and we will NEVER be that close. I had to move out because she was still treating me like shit without realizing it and letting her shitty husband treat me unfairly (my parents are still technically married because divorces are expensive.) It got to the point where he was complaining about how much food I ate so I went on a diet but my little siblings were eating up their snacks and blaming it on me and he tried to say that I have to start helping pay for groceries BUT I WASN'T EATING!!!!! I literally STOPPED EATING AT MY HOUSE (except for dinner, which my mom always made two servings of so she wouldn't have to cook the next day.) Yeah one meal a day at the VERY end of the day people. I would wait until he was settled into his room after dinner to make my plate. When I moved out, that women cried and said she felt like she was just now “getting to know me.” CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKING WOMEN?! I wanted to laugh in her fucking face and say that she had 20 years. 20 years.

(Side bar: I should have saved her some money and just killed myself)

I’ve come to the realization from that night in my brothers room, that I wouldn’t be this fucked up if the people who were supposed to be there for me actually treated me right and paid attention to me when I needed it and did what they were supposed to do WHEN I NEEDED IT! Maybe if when I was growing up and needed to be shown love and affection and attention, I wouldn’t have problems connecting with people now and I wouldn’t feel so alone all the fucking time! I could have a healthy relationship and actually love someone and be lovable and I would have real friends and I wouldn’t have went through HALF the shit I’ve been through with people OUTSIDE of my family and I would have known and would know how i’m supposed to be treated by someone who is my friend and someone who claims to love me.

BUT they didnt. No one did. I needed someone (ANY FUCKING ONE) and NO one was there and now I’m fucking broken and have YEARS AND YEARS of attachment trauma and it cant be fixed. AND that’s soooo not the worst of it! I have abuse stories and other shit that I haven't even shared with anyone but one of my therapist and I didnt even feel ready to tell her EVERYTHING just the gist of it. I have OCEANS OF PROBLEMS that can’t be solved. Wounds that can’t heal. I can’t even talk about the problems I have with my family because throughout my whole life we’ve NEVER talked about anything or addressed ANYTHING. There are NO apologies or resolutions or any of that bullshit. If something happens we just wake up the next day as a family like it didn't happen and that's that about that. And honestly I feel like that’s why I can never address any problems I have with people outside of my family or resolve problems or fix anything, which has RUINED great relationships for me.

Anyway. I needed to get that out. SO thank you if you read that bullshit and thank you if you actually care, I guess. This is the end. I’m gonna stop self medicating with weed, which is what I’ve been doing since I stopped taking Zoloft in 2016. It’s actually been working for the most part. It’s not a perfect solution but when I’m high I don’t think about my problems and I feel like I can think about things less emotionally. I’m just gonna stop smoking everyday and let my depression do that thing it does and if I kill myself, Thank god!, and if I don’t, Thank god. And that’s where I’m at on the subject of life and living and the sort.

And Yes before you suggest it smart ass, I have seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists. AND yes I’ve tried other meds besides zoloft and I stopped taking meds because they dont work. AND NO, I’m super uninterested in putting money in greedy ass doctors pockets to take every stupid pill on earth, till I “find the right one.” A pill is not going to get rid of 21 years of misery. It’s just a pill.

#sorry not sorry for typing a whole novella #depression #attachment trauma #suicide #it took me 5 hours to write this and three glasses of wine #wine that I should have checked the alcohol content on #certainly not high enough for me

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oajpw5f3-blog · 5 years

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BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :bestinsureonline.xyz

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syddgardashian · 5 years

Text

the beginning

this really is not the beginning of my journey. but i am in a better place than i was in. so now i can tell my story. i am not fixed or perfectly fine. i am still a crumpled up mess just straighten out just a little bit. kinda like when you ball up a piece of paper and then try to stretch it back out. no matter how hard you try, you will never get it to its original form. that is me. i will never be how i used to be, but if i work on myself enough, maybe i can get pretty close. Depression runs in my family. so does bipolar. when i became a teenager i started to have these dark feelings and i never knew why. I was sad or angry all the time and it confused me because no matter how much i tried i couldnt change myself. not long after, my family found out that my sister was VERY depressed and was self harming. i have never seen anything more traumatic. she would hurt herself so that she would feel better for just a little bit. i always thought that was stupid because i could grasp how that would help. UNTIL i tried it. i dont really remember the first time doing it. all i know is i was about 14 years old and i finally understood why people did it. it’s such a sad situation that people put their selves through. we hurt our selves, THAT IS ALREADY HURTING. we put our selves though one pain so we dont have to feel the other one. its sad that we have to feel a physical pain so we dont have to feel a mental pain. ANYWAYS back to my story. years went by, my ass still depressed. nobody knew to be clear. like nobody had a damn clue. one i didnt want people to know, another reason because i didnt want to alex to know. i didnt want to make my problems her problems. i felt like she was struggling worse. so i made her problems my problems. we got really close at that moment in time. then i got into some trouble, that im not even going to talk about because it was fucking stupid and im glad it happened because i wouldnt have met some of people i know now if i didnt move schools. i had to move to cville school and i was mad as hell about at the moment. i hated all four years of high school but some people made it bareable. i met my first love in that highschool. fuck. i was so in love with him. and if things were different i bet we would still be together. i have so many memories with him. memories that top anything else that has happened in my life. i wasnt allowed to date him because he was mixed. i got introuble several times because i got caught talking to him, but nun crazy. ill make another post about him because i could talk about him for days. i also met a forever friend, jordan. she be pissing me off but she will always be my bitch. me and her got some CRAZY memories together. i wasnt allowed to leave my house while i was in highschool. i couldnt go ride around. i had to stay locked inside my house for most of my life. it destoryed me. being alone for such a long time was the worst thing. my depression got so bad. i cried myself to sleep just about every night. but when i was dating david i was NEVER sad. me and him were off and on, but when we were together i was at peace. i didnt ever get in another relationship for most of high school besides david. like i didnt get in anything serious, i just talked to another people but it didnt last long because i couldnt leave david alone. but the summer before my junior year i met this guy. he was PIECE OF FUCK IN MY TOLIET. his name was eian and he was so fucking cute and i loved his personality and how he acted towards me. he was so fun and he wasnt afraid to act crazy around me. we were backj and forth for about 5 months. he was talking to me and about 5 other girls. he didnt talk to us at the same time, he would just pick a girl to talk to for about two weeks and then he would move on to the next girl. fuck that dude. but as soon as he was out of the picture guess what my ass did, yep, went back to my david. we dated again until december, but because of some stuff that had happened in our past i just couldnt make myself be in love with him. and it sucked because he was so perfect. not very long after that i started talking to this boy. his name is brenton. and now, two years later, we are still dating. our relationship is a fucking mess but we are still together. the first and a half me and brenton dated was fucking amazing. but then things started changing and it just hasnt been the same. ill make a post later about him. Well this past november, we broke up. and i went down hill. not because we broke up, but because he was my only friend. he was the only one i hanged out with, talked to. he was the only one that knew i was struggling. well during this month me and him were broken up, i tried to reach out to him because i needed him. i really needed him. and he thought i was just trying to trick him into getting back with me. i have been suicidal for a while now but it was never anything to serious, nothing that i couldnt control. until we broke up. i was so alone. all the time. i had to friends. nobody needed me. nobody reached out to me. nobody noticed that i wasnt myself. maybe because i never told anybody or maybe because i always put on a good face. i was very depressed, my anixety was awful. i was at the lowest i had ever been. i thought about suicide A LOT. the first time i considered it, i wrote my mom, dad, and alex letters. i didnt want to leave them with questions and i didnt want them to blame themselves. my heart was so broken. i chickened out. i talked myself out of it because i didnt want to hurt them. the second time i thought about was on thanksgiving. i tried to get brenton to let me come stay with him because i didnt trust myself to be alone, but he said no. a fight broke out at my sisters so that kept me from doing it because i had to go to alex. she needed me. i couldnt leave her i the moment. the third time i thought about it was when my parents left to columbia. i knew it would be the perfect time because i knew that nobody would find me. I remember it was a friday and i tried to get brenton to come stay with me because i didnt want to stay by myself. one hayti is sketchy and two i didnt trust myself to be alone. but again, i talked myself out of it and went to my sisters work until late at night so that when i got home i would be super tired and i would go to bed. which i did. The next day at work was the worst day of my life. i wanted to be gone in everyway possible. i never felt that kind of pain in my life. it was pure torture. and then i seen on social media that my ex was hanging out with these two girls a lot. it made me sad because he was so happy with them and he was never like that with me. it made me feel like such a waste of space. i kept thinking of all my flaws and how nobody would ever love a piece of shit like me. im not fun. im fucking ugly. i do not matter to anybody. i had a plan all thought out in my head of what i was going to do. i didnt want to do it because of my family but i kept thinking about how all my pain would go away if i did it. or how nobody would have to worry about me getting in the way of anything. i felt like nothing anyways. the thought of suicide gave me such a peace of mind because i knew that soon i would feel relief. i know the bible says that if you kill yourself you will go to hell but personally i feel like i had a good relationship with god and if i would have done it, it would have been all in his plan. i stayed at work about 30 minutes extra because i had to do the money bags for my dad while he was away but i also sat there and tried to talk myself out of it. i knew it wasnt a good. but fuck, the way i was feeling was so unbearable. i finally got home and decided maybe i will feel better if i just take a long HOT shower. so i turn my shower on and walk into my room and grabbed a new box of nyquil out of my dresser. i just remember sitting there and just popping them out of the plastic and taking them like they were skittles or some shit. then i torn my letters out of the back journal. and i read them to myself and cried as hard as my body would allow me. i then got my journal and decided to write one more letter. to brenton. i didnt want him or anyone else to think it was because of him because it wasnt. i wanted him to know that even during my last few minutes of breathing, i still loved him. and how it was such a privilege to love him. i guess he was on my mind my so much that my high ass decides to call him. i remember wanting to hear his voice one more time. how i wanted to say goodbye. i didnt want him to say me or to tell anyone but of course he did. next thing i know payton, my sisters friend is in my bathroom and she trying to get me up and i remember her telling me that this wasnt an option. it was an option to me. then my sister comes up the stairs into my bathroom and she reads my letter that i wrote her. the sound in her voice when she said “oh my god sydney’ her voice cracked, and she busted into tears. she tried picking me up but i weight more than her and shes a little weak.next thing i remember was being a hospital room and my oldest sister tara came in there. and i remember her crying and she said a prayer for me. i dont remember what she said but i know god heard her. i know he wrapped his embrace around me that day, because if he didnt, i wouldnt be here right now. i wanted to die, but that wasnt apart of gods plan. it simply was not apart of my journey. nobody told my parents until they got home that night, my mom came to see me but she was sympathetic at all. screw her for that. alex stayed with me that night. and the nurse that i had was sooo nice. she was really easy to talk to. she made me feel a little less worthless. sometimes i see her around. one day she came into my work to use the bathroom. i also saw her at walmart one time. i wanted to walk up to her and hug the shit out of her. the next morning, i was allowed to go home. so my mom came and picked me up. i went upstairs and got in my shower and i cried and i cried and i cried. i didnt want to be here. i wanted to be dead. i was so mad. i texted brenton and told him he shouldve let me die. such a dick move but whatever. he called me crying and we talked about the situation. blah blah blah. i ended up falling asleep. not long after my dad walked into my room... he tapped me and i looked at him and he hugged me and said what is going on and i didnt say anything, i just hugged him just a little bit tighter. he then said, “ ill let you go back to sleep but if you ever feel like doing that again please come talk to me.” the way he said it broke my heart. because i knew that i had broken his. after that, i regretted doing it all together, i know it hurt hi the most, because he couldnt even come see me at the hospital. a few days later i did something that i did not want to do. i went to see a fucking psychiatrist. and i so glad i did.she was so small and cute. she was wearing glittery sneakers and had a purple shirt on that said peace with little rinestones on it and she had her brushy, curly hair in a messy ponytail. shes such a hippie. i love her. talking to her is so easy. the way she understands the human brain is crazy. she understands you better than you do understand yourself just by telling her your story. you tell her your feelings, your situation, your actions and damn she can figure that shit out. we came to the conclusion that i was depressed and had anxiety. she put me on salexa or however you spell it. i was on it for a bout a month, maybe longer. it helped with my constant feeling of drowning but i was so bitchy all the time and just agitated all the damn time. well then we figure out that my ass is bipolar. so i get on a new medicine. im still on it at this very moment. so far its working pretty good. my body shakes a lot at night and i dont know if it has to do with my medicine or just the fact that i dont eat very much. so far, this is my story. if you made it to the end, thank you.

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love-transparentstudentarca-blog · 6 years

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"Huntsville Alabama Cheap car insurance quotes zip 35897

Huntsville Alabama Cheap car insurance quotes zip 35897

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