#the way you also sense through merrill's story how varric is like... protective to the point of slightly paternalistic over her

[vaguely-concerned]

Merrill banters I am thinking about all the time always 24/7

merrill truly will incessantly worry she's stupid and missing the point all the time and then take you out with the most beautifully worded and compassionate breakdown of the thematic spine of DA2 you've ever heard. no actually daisy I think you're the only one getting the point here slowly but surely

especially this one, actually: (also why I could see how bioware would bring merrill into DA:D on solas' side, but also I really really don't want them to because her arc is just -- it's just incredible and I don't want them to mess with it lol)

'I don't think people are cleansed by fire'. people make mistakes and you have to believe in them anyway. yeah basically that's the thesis of dragon age huh

[onbanksofadragonriver]

Varric x Merrill thoughts

This is a rarepair ship I’ve believed in ever since I saw this fabulous art a few years ago, and the fic “Perfume Shop” (in Russian) has been a major inspiration too. And then recently, @hollyand-writes got me to air my headcanons and to actually get down to writing for this ship, so here we are.

I’ll go by points, but it’s not my goal to somehow attempt to prove that this ship is or should be canon. They’re my headcanons: Don’t like, don’t ship. Also, I haven’t played DA2 in a few years, and have never played any of the DLCs, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt. All dialogue with no specifically indicated source is from the wiki.

Buckle in, this is long!

@geekalogian​, @cartadwarfwithaheartofgold​ ♥

>> Amazing banter

All the companions get frustrated by Merrill’s silly questions, though I believe half of them are actually only asked as a joke. They try to explain it or avoid the question, or sigh about Merrill’s naivete. Fenris is downright hostile to her, and Anders tends to get preachy. Aveline treats her like a child sometimes. Isabela is protective and friendly, but sometimes she sounds a bit condescending and impatient with Merrill’s innocence. 

But Varric, he gets her. He gets her silly jokes and just rolls with it, and their dialogues are a pleasure to listen to. It’s with Varric that her somewhat straight-faced, silly humour really shines, because he’s the only one to play along: about frolicking in the woods, and his resemblance to Hahren Paivel, and Bianca having a pretty name, or how his family is like fleas, or Darktown rats following the mage/templar mess, etc. He never brings up her naivete or makes her feel inadequate or as if she’s missed some context. And they’re both so relaxed around each other it’s like Varric has unlocked a whole new dimension to Merrill.

>> Protecting her freedom. The ball of twine and taking care of the gangs. 

I’ve seen meta on how Varric paying off the thugs is him infantilizing Merrill, but he does this for Anders too. It’s his way of caring about people. And also, if you see Merrill’s reaction in case Hawke doesn’t let her have the arulin’holm, you’ll see that she’s perfectly capable of realising when people are coddling her, and letting them know — in no uncertain terms — when that kind of meddling is unwelcome. (see also: Varric and his product deliveries below)

I also like to think that half of the reason “nothing ever happens” when she wanders around at night is because Merrill is a badass mage perfectly capable of taking care of herself. One of her default starting spells is rock armour, and when Hawke meets her, she admits to having fought before, and having done so alone. She’s certainly capable or recognising the stupidity and danger Sister Petrice is walking in as she wanders around Lowtown, and that’s in broad daylight. 

Also, I’m thinking Varric must have put that protection in place after news of some incidents reached his ears, because it’s not something he does by default to other party members who’re new to Kirkwall. So perhaps it is, or was necessary at some point. On the other hand, perhaps Merrill is totally taking care of herself, and the thugs are not even trying to attack her, they’re just enjoying ripping off Varric :P

I like to think that the Viscount’s gardens were an honest mistake and Merrill did cut down on wandering there after Varric’s comment.

The ball of twine is interesting. Her closest friends in the gang seem to be Hawke, Isabela and Varric, but only Varric actually gives her a tool enabling her to find her way around the confusing human city. I don’t know what others did. Did they expect Merrill to just stay in the Alienage if there was nobody to accompany her around the city? Or did they expect her to find her own way through trial and error? Varric gives her a weird, but apparently functional tool for navigating the city until she learns her own way.

And the common motif between ensuring safe streets, an access to gardens and the ball of twine, is how Varric is safeguarding Merrill’s freedom. She’s Dalish, used to living under open sky, travelling from place to place. She’s used to green, growing things and wandering about as she pleases. And she’s used to doing magic freely and in ways that she herself believes appropriate. Now she’s stuck in a barely hospitable alienage of a city with a strong templar and slaver presence, and Varric doesn’t have the heart to scold her and limit her freedom even more. 

Considering Varric is part of the ascendant group in Merchant Guild, who believe in leaving behind Orzammar’s strict caste system and traditions and embracing surface life instead, looks like Merrill’s freedom speaks to something deep in Varric’s own beliefs and values, nonchalant as he seems.

>> Trying to take care of her. Delivering produce.

This gives me feels. First, Varric noticed that something was off. Maybe he missed her showing up at the Hanged Man, maybe he went to visit her. Either way, he noticed that she wasn’t going out, not even to the market. It’s funny to imagine Varric standing in the market scratching his head about what actually goes into food preparation, but more probably he initially just threw some money at the problem, sending someone shopping for her. And then he checked up and saw she’s still not going out. And then he tries to talk her into going for a walk, to get fresh air.

And again this is something I’ve read as coddling and infantilizing, but — when Merrill is clearly not in a mood for teasing, she rebukes him politely: “I’m not a plant, Varric.” She’s not harsh as in case with Hawke and arulin’holm. When Varric leaves, she admits: “Varric is... very sweet. Frequently infuriating and a terrible busybody, but sweet.”

Which at first read as... Merrill not reciprocating Varric’s feelings for her? But on a second thought: what if Merrill is the oblivious one? Not only to Varric’s caring but about her own feelings for him? What if she never considered Varric romantically because she always thought she’d end up with a Dalish partner, and then she becomes friends with Hawke and starts opening up to the idea that what if she takes a human lover? And falling in love with a dwarf has not even crossed her mind yet? (Look lower, queen.)

Because when Merrill cares, she helps people: waters their plants or repairs ancient artifacts. Part of her potentially falling in love with Hawke is due to how they help her, how they have her back. Varric and Merrill have the same love language. I choose to think of it as a mystery, why Merrill is not canonically head over heels for Varric. Maybe she’s so used to his confident, handsome self boasting about all the female attention he gets that she thinks she’s out of his league and has friendzoned herself :P

Additionally, I believe “sweet” and “infuriating” is something that the gang could equally attribute to Merrill herself. Pot calling kettle black? :D

>> Opinions on magic

Varric largely doesn’t have an opinion on Merrill being a mage, a blood mage, or whatever. He’s not afraid, because he has other, more pressing concerns, like Merchant’s Guild breathing down his neck and sending assassins, and when he does mention Merrill’s blood magic being “evil” it sounds like a rehearsed thing that might cause him headache due to other people getting their knickers in a twist over it.

He does acknowledge he’s distrustful of letting “dangerous people run amok” if Hawke sides with the mages in the end of DA2, but apparently he trusts Merrill enough that she knows what she’s doing and leaves it at that. He’s just sick of the whole mage/templar drama.

>> Mutual interest in what they do. 

Merrill is interested in what he does for a living, while he tries to keep her out of trouble that would come from her knowing too much. And Varric is pondering why Eluvian is a mirror, and not some other piece of furniture. Not judging each other, just — curious. Showing they are in each other’s thoughts. And I won’t go into details here, because @hollyand-writes​ has, like, ALL the receipts where Varric thinks about Merrill in DAI, but he does — a lot :) He knows her interest in history and lore, knows that news of ancient elves keeping slaves would upset her, knows she would have liked to see the Dales. He seems to be missing her a lot...

>> Priority. 

LOOK at the sequence he mentions his friends in, Merrill is No.1, while Hawke is almost an afterthought :D

Merrill: How do you do it, living in the city without picking a side? Doesn't it matter to you? Varric: Of course it does. That's why I don't take sides. Merrill: That doesn't make any sense. Varric: I've got you and Aveline, Fenris and Anders. Hawke. Isabela. I've got friends in the Circle and drinking buddies in the templars. All of them matter.

And who’s the first person that comes to Merrill’s mind when Hawke calls her pretty? Varric! :D [X]

>> Comfort in storytelling. 

Yeah, Merrill says somewhere later that she wouldn’t have made a good Keeper because she’s not good with people, but she did receive all the requisite education. She studied lore and elven legends and history, as much as is left of it anyway, and I believe that storytelling, thriving on stories, is something that she and Varric both have in common. 

Maybe she’s too shy to tell her own stories, but she’s definitely enjoying Varric’s and looking for consolation in his stories when things get rough.

Merrill: Varric, how does the story end? Varric: Which story, Daisy? Merrill: The big one. With us and Hawke, the mages and templars. Everything. Varric: You want to know before it happens? You're not worried about spoiling the surprise? Merrill: I might not see it end. Varric: You have to stick with us if you want to find out how it turns out, Daisy.

Merrill: Tell me a story, Varric. Varric: Right now? I don't think we have time, Daisy. Merrill: Maybe a very short story, then? Please? Varric: Fine. "When the cards turned, he lost." Merrill: Oh. Did it have to be so sad?

Merrill: (passing the Hanged Man):  "Do you think there's time for Varric to tell us a story while we're here?"

Merrill: I hope we win. Varric will make it a good story, I'm sure.

>> Conclusions & Future

The thing that gets me the most is how good and kind they are to each other. It’s in their teasing, their jokes, the way Varric takes care of Merrill. I love Merrill’s confidence in Varric’s storytelling talent, and I like to think Varric finds Merrill’s confident tinkering with the mirror at least a little bit hot, even if he doesn’t understand magic (Bianca is/was a brilliant engineer, and I think Varric has a bit of a competence kink :D)

I also enjoy thinking of them both as slightly out of touch with emotions: Varric ignoring his own, and Merrill oblivious to his. I like to think of what happens when Merrill realises Varric loves her: because she’s open and honest in her affections, and it would be awesome to see Varric taken by that storm. To see him openly fall for someone so different, at a first glance, but also familiar: a knowledgeable storyteller, confident in her abilities, believing in free will and freedom. 

I see them moving on together: Merrill learning to let go of the disappointment that is the unfinished eluvian, and Varric learning to let go of his lingering feelings for Bianca. Yes, the past is important for Merrill, while Varric wants to live in the moment, but the point of knowing the past, for Merrill, is to be able to move forward, and Varric certainly knows his family’s past, so I don’t see any disagreements there. If anything, Varric’s resources and connections can help Merrill get her hands on more artefacts and ancient tomes, letting her continue on her path in some other way.

It’s interesting to imagine their life together. After DAI, Varric pours his own funds into various infrastructure projects until he ends up the Viscount of Kirkwall, and Merrill is in Kirkwall too, helping the city elves. Somehow, it feels logical that at least some of those projects would be new elf housing and improvements to the alienage. 

Would they get married? Probably, because I think it would be important to Merrill, and also probably because it might be a better way to protect her, a rumoured/known blood mage, from the Chantry than if she was just the Viscount’s mistress. On the other hand, knowing Varric and his cousin Elmand, and his spy network, and his tendency to successfully evade the Merchant Guild messengers [X], it’s equally possible he’d whip up a completely fake story about how his beloved Merrill is a hatter, and leave it at that. Probably he couldn’t even be found in the Keep, instead preferring to hide out in the Hanged Man or in his wife’s house in the alienage :D

Because, in the end, I think they both enjoy doing their respective Things very much, whether it’s helping elves or writing books, and they let each other do it selflessly, even if maybe it means they can’t live together. (Because can you imagine a Viscomtesse Merrill having to host a ball? Dealing with Hightown nobles? No, I don’t think Varric would ever ask such a sacrifice of her.) But they live close, and help and support each other, and, in short, I think they’d be awesome :)

[virlath]

Reading into the red lyrium idol and Solas’ end-game

The lyrium idol seems to be a major plot device in DA4.

The story recounts a group of spies sharing information on Solas and his plans, detailing all the information they know so far with a few lies and/or embellishments interwoven throughout. 

There is one thing everyone at the table seems to agree on though and that is: the importance of the red lyrium idol to Solas’ plans. 

But is it the same lyrium idol we know of?

In all the spies’ stories, they describe the idol as specifically depicting two figures.

Carta dwarf: ...It’s not much to look at—a couple hugging, too thin to be dwarves—but it’s sitting there, glowing softly like a ruby lit by the grace of the Maker himself. Mortalitasi: When he opened the thick chest marked with the Carta’s protective runes and drew it forth, we saw it clearly—an idol crafted from red lyrium, which seemed to show two lovers, or a god mourning her sacrifice, depending upon how it caught your fancy. Bard (disguised Solas): ...He whispered something as he picked it up, tracing his gloved fingers gently along the crowned figure who comforted the other,

For those of us who have been obsessively squinting at every little detail on the idol from all angles, it’s now quite clear there are in fact three figures on the idol, not two.

The fact that Bioware cleaned up the model from DA2, made the idol the centrepiece of the teaser, and outlined the shape of it in the corresponding mural, indicates that the description of the idol showing two figures in the book is not an accident.

The difficulty in verifying the authenticity of the idol itself is actually one of the biggest questions I have raised since reading the book, and makes me wonder if the lyrium idol in TN is the same as the one Hawke found in DA2.

We already know the Carta assassin was briefed by Varric:

“I’m only here because Viscount Tethras called in a few favors,” he said, smiling broadly, “but I didn’t expect to be the best-informed person in the room. You don’t even know what he wants, and I can tell you that!”

If anyone in Thedas could describe and spot the original idol it would be Varric. He did after all find it with Hawke, and his brother went crazy from it. 

How then could his hired spy get the description of the idol wrong, unless he was lying? And even if he was lying, why did the Mortalitasi and Bard (Solas) back him up by also describing the idol as portraying exactly two figures?

They are all spies in the room- they are supposed to pay attention to detail. How could they miss an important detail such as that? 

So, after reading this story, I have a lot of questions.

Who is the mysterious third figure in the idol and why did no spy notice it on the idol they described?

Are there multiple idols floating around that we don’t yet know of?

Did Solas plant a decoy, hoping to throw everyone off the real idol? Meaning, is he also still looking for the real idol?

Can he or the idol itself affect how it’s perceived by people in reality?

Did a chunk break off when it was smelted into Meredith’s/Samson’s sword, and is a piece still lying around somewhere in Thedas?

===

The idol’s purpose

It seems that the idol is extremely important to Solas and his plans. He claims it belongs to him, and it is clear he intends to reclaim ownership of it no matter the cost. In fact, he claims to already be in possession of it (though I am doubtful of that).

The Bard (Solas): Slowly, he lifted the red lyrium idol from the pillow where it rested. He whispered something as he picked it up, tracing his gloved fingers gently along the crowned figure who comforted the other, but I could not make out the words, for I fear they were elven... The idol’s journey is now complete, and it has found its master. He will destroy anyone in his way without regret or hesitation, and whatever he intends, I do not believe we can stop it.

According to the Mortalitasi’s story, the idol is in fact a ritual blade:

When our power, plus the power of our arcane possessions, plus the power of his slaves’ lives, had all come to him, the Tevinter mage raised the idol before him, and I saw a spike of lyrium spring from the base of the idol, so that all at once, it was not merely an idol, but a ritual blade. He slashed his own hand, and a wave of power pulsed through the cavern. It was as though we were the blood, and the cavern was the body through which it flowed, and we fell, all of us, to the ground, our minds pulled into the raw chaos of the Fade by the power of his ritual.

It turns out the Mortalitasi actually intended on using the idol as part of a blood magic ritual to bind spirits to their will so they could repel the Antaam invasion.

...every dream, every demon, every half-interested spirit would urge them back to the north, away from humanity. Their resolve would weaken, their invasion would crumble, and all would go back to the way it should be.

Now remember in DA2, Merrill tells us a story of a blade to end the elven civil war when she recounts the story of the Dread Wolf:

“Fen’Harel was clever. He could walk among both clans of gods without fear, and both believed he was one of them.”

“He went to each side, and told them the other had forged a terrible weapon, a blade that would end the war.”

“He told the Creators it was forged in the heavens, and the Forgotten Ones, that it was hidden in the abyss.”

In TN, Solas seems very sentimental towards the idol. This makes me wonder if he made it into a ritual blade, and took the gambit the evanuris would seek it out and unwittingly use their own power to seal themselves away.

It would be so ironic and totally Solas’ MO if that were the case, that the idol which bears Mythal’s resemblance was the key to their own prisons.

===

Why is the idol so important?

We know of the elven upstart. He is a mage named Solas, and his ritual has already started to affect the Fade. We cannot risk him acquiring this idol and finishing what he has begun.

It seems like the idol is at the centre of everything, anchoring the imprisoned evanuris and the Black City in place.

If the Mortalitasi’s blood magic ritual were to succeed, I could imagine mages becoming possessed by a a demon or even one of the evanuris by becoming a willing host. After all, the point of their ritual was to obtain power to defeat their enemies.

In fact, the Mortalitasi’s ritual reminds me a lot of the ritual described in Solas’ secret room in Trespasser which is also reiterated in the Forbidden Oasis. In both instances, a demon is summoned using blood magic to defeat their enemies.

Mythal seemingly used blood magic to win the war against the titans. What if the ritual the Mortalitasi used was in a similar vein?

“YOU MEDDLE PAST YOUR UNDERSTANDING, FOOLISH MORTAL MAGES, AND IN DOING SO, YOU THREATEN ALL CREATION.” “YOU USE MY IDOL CARELESSLY TO VANDALIZE THE SEA OF DREAMS. NOW FEEL THE PAIN OF WHAT YOU HAVE CREATED.”

I am convinced the idol/blade could be used as part of a blood magic ritual to summon a demon, either summoning the evanuris (who I believe are “demons” like Imshael and the like) or a demon from the void.

===

Solas’ end-game

We are led to believe at the end of Trespasser he simply wants to restore the world of his time. Imo that’s only partly true.

I think Solas tearing down the veil is simply the necessary first step for him to destroy the Black City and the false gods for good. This is where I think the idol would come into play. 

The veil is also a fabrication created by Solas, and there have been signs throughout the series from DA:O to DA:I that the veil is tearing apart, irreparably.

Demons seize every opportunity, every tear in the Veil, to enter our world. Once the Veil is torn, it is extremely difficult to mend, some say impossible. 

What does it mean to pierce the Veil, that which separates our world from the realm of dreams and demons? For the average man and woman, it is a frightening thought to consider just how fragile this separation actually is.

The Veil is not a physical curtain, not a structure limited to a particular place—it is everywhere. It is in their home, in the streets where they walk, in farmers' fields as well as remote mountain vales. At any moment it could be torn to shreds, allowing demons and other horrors to flood into our world like water through a burst dam.

Apart from the Inquisitor, no person in Thedas has successfully been able to seal rifts.

This means over time, with more veil tears and death, the more fragile the veil will be. Eventually, it will break entirely. I think this would be inevitable, whether or not Solas destroys it. 

Cole calls the Veil wonderful in Trespasser, because it was created to forbid. And we know the veil forbids all the demons and false gods from entering the physical world. With the idol now floating around in Thedas and with a weakened veil, I think there is a possibility using the idol could summon or release the evanuris from their prisons.

His measurements of the veil and testing of its strength indicates to me he is still trying to see how he can fix the veil or work it into a new plan. With the loss of his orb, the idol may be the last piece of security he has.

This is why I don’t buy the fact that he simply wants to tear down the veil and restore ancient Elvhenan like he wishes he was in the past. There has to be more than that- there is no way he hasn’t accounted for the Redcliffe possibility.

Since Solas is the actual creator of the veil, he alone has a chance at preserving what remains while fixing/amending whatever plans he had for the false gods.

It actually makes a lot of sense that Solas would not want to tell anyone too much about his plans, even the Inquisitor. Not only does he not trust people, I think his actions in TN prove he is worried about the idol falling into the wrong hands and the temptation to use it. 

Maybe his actions and letting Charter go free is even an indication that he is manipulating the Inquisition to continue ‘working against him’ when in fact they are a part of his grander plans.

[edelgoth]

matchup for nightrainn2

@nightrainn2 thank you for your patience!! sorry for making you wait so long for this, but all three are under the cut <3 

so, for fire emblem: three houses, i match you with... 

ignatz!!

ignatz is a very patient, understanding person, and i think that would be really good for you!! 

he seems to quite good with handling difficult emotions (just look at his supports with marianne), and very supportive without being overwhelming 

as he’s quite introverted himself, i think he’d be pleasant for you to spend time with; he knows his boundaries and he’d understand your needs pretty well, making him very comfortable to be around

he also likes reading!! and once he was able to, i think he’d definitely invest in having a little reading room/library in your home!! also, the most likely to want a family, i think!! and he’d be a pretty good dad imo 

he’s a very gently encouraging person (marianne’s supports, again, highlight this), and he would remind you that he thinks your opinions are important and need to be said 

i just feel like he’d be good with the fact that you’re highly sensitive and prone to melancholy? he’s just a very patient, loving person, and i think he’d be a very good listener 

furthermore, he’s very patient and attentive, and would learn how to read you well. he’d want to show you the respect you deserve, and he’d really put in the work for that

he’d be very good at talking you down when you’re overthinking or over-analyzing, and does his best to be a calming, grounding force for you in those moments 

rainy days with him are the best; whether it’s reading while snuggled up to each other, or doing a puzzle together, baking, etc. it’s just a nice moment that the two of you get to steal away together, away from all your worries 

i think he’d like it when you got quirky, excitable and bubbly, and he really enjoys spending time with you like that; he’s also charmed by how eccentric you can be sometimes 

and he really encourages you when you’re interested in something; he loves hearing you talk about the things you love, and he makes sure to always ask you questions to show that he’s listening 

overall, i think he’d be a very good match, and he’d balance you out quite well! 

alternative matchups

ashe: i think ashe would be quite similar to ignatz in a lot of ways. he’d be very patient, very kind, and very aware of your feelings, and you also share interests in reading and baking. i think he’d also be quite charmed by your quirkiness, and you’re both idealists. i chose ignatz over him mostly because of the ‘vibe’, but i do think ignatz is arguably more... gentle in some regards? ashe would be very enthusiastic, but ignatz is more likely to take it slow? if that makes any sense? but i still think ashe is a great fit. 

sylvain: i feel like you would be a very good partner for him, and the sort of person that he’d really flourish with. but, i don’t know if he’d be the best partner for you?? like you’d quite along very well when you were in an excitable and bubbly mood, but the way he tends to conduct himself may not be the best thing for your anxiety and insecurity. but, i think at the core you’re both very caring, open-minded and loyal (well, in sylvain’s case, once he knows it’s mutual), and i very much see him as someone who’d encourage you to speak your mind. 

from dragon age 2, i match you with... 

varric tethras!!

i’ll be honest, this was the matchup that kept me from finishing this simply because everyone in dragon age 2 is such a damn mess aalkjslkjlj

but that being said, i think varric is the best for for you!! i think you and varric would have a nice balance; he’s very loyal and loving, yes, but he’s not a particularly soft person. i get the feeling you could soften his edges a bit. on the other hand, i think he could really help you learn how to defend yourself against the world, and how to speak your mind a bit more 

varric absolutely teases you to hell and back, though. loves to flirt with you because you’re oblivious. you guys definitely had a ton of ‘not-dates’ until varric decided that he just had to tell you how he felt bc it was getting a bit ridiculous

you want a family? well, varric’s already got five kids (yes, including hawke), so expect your hands to be full with making sure that everyone’s Doing Okay. merrill and isabela have a particular love for you; they both think you’re adorable, and isabela has taken it on herself to be part of your Protection Squad 

definitely organizes a little ‘library area’ of your room in the hanged man. it may not be the whole room of your dreams, but he knows how much you love reading, and how valuable a space like that could be to you.

loves it when you get curious and eccentric. he’s very fond of quirky characters, and he finds your curiosity endearing; it means he’s going to chat your ear off about something fascinating. he also appreciates that you’re quite open-minded, and i really can’t envision him with a partner who didn’t have that trait. 

also loves that your witty, and enjoys bantering with you. i think playfulness is something he’d value in a partner, and there’d be a lot of light-heartedness to your relationship 

you two are a very sarcastic couple tho, my goodness. sometimes you just won’t let one another live 

varric might not be the best when it comes to handling your more dour days, simply because he’s not the greatest at confronting emotions. but, he’s going to try his best 

encourages you to “cathart” those emotions (maybe throw some shit at a wall or scream into the streets; the more creative, the better), and is at least pretty good at reading when you need time alone, or when you need company 

you’re maybe the only person who gets to read his drafts; also, he loves it when you cook!! the idea that someone’d make a meal for him is strangely endearing; maybe it’s because he’s so used to paying for food at the hanged man 

i think that, while there might be a few hiccups, and your relationship wouldn’t be quite as vulnerable as the others listed here, i think you two could work quite well together! 

alternative matchups

anders: i was super conflicted on this one. i nearly put him as your number one, but i just think that he can be too... volatile, if that makes sense? he’s a very passionate person in all aspects of life, but especially when it comes to his relationships. i think he’d be excellent for you when things are going well, and he would treat you with the compassion and respect you deserve. when things weren’t so good, though, i think he might be very irresponsible with your feelings? he’s just got a lot of emotion and he doesn’t tend to hold back (at least in my gameplay experience alkfdjsfdlkj). but that being said, i think you two could be a very good match (in an au universe, maybe?) 

sebastian: i’ll be quite honest and say that i don’t know sebastian very well yet (i’ve only just started to interact with him bc i just got the dlc), but i feel like if i knew him better, he might have won out here? he seems like a very kind, warm-hearted person, and he really does try to see the best in others. people are straight up mean to him, and he still responds kindly. that grounded kindness would be a very good thing for you, i think, and i think he would admire many parts of your personality. at the same time, he has the compassion to help you through your more melancholic days; he knows how hard that sort of pain can be to deal with, after all. 

in echoes, i match you with...

lukas!!

this one also gave me some difficulty, but for the opposite reason than above; all three guys were just too good, and it was near impossible to pick one alkjdfldfksj

that being said, i think lukas would be a great balance for you!! he’s a very mild-mannered, measured person, and i think that could help ground you. meanwhile, you might be able to help him explore those more passionate emotions that he seems to hold back 

he’s more of an ignatz than a varric, in the sense that i think you’d have a softer, more vulnerable relationship? he’s just more gentle, i suppose 

he’s also charmed by your quirky,  and bubbly personality; i feel like they’re traits that he’s not used to being around, so he’d really enjoy them

may take you guys ages to realise you have feelings for each other though; i think lukas has a harder time picking up on that sort of thing, and you’d probably have a long stretch of time where you sort of act like you’re together in some ways, but neither of you are actually calling it a relationship 

lukas can be very witty and sarcastic himself, so i think that would be quite fun for you two. on some days, you’d have top-quality banter

lukas definitely strikes me as the guy who would encourage you to speak your mind; i say this thinking of how he stands up to fernand when alm first joins the deliverance. so, when he suspects you’re holding your opinions back, he’ll gently tell you to speak up 

because he’s quite measured and thoughtful, i think lukas would be very careful with each step of your relationship, which will be a good or a bad thing depending on your perspective. even though he’s courted people before, i get the feeling that he’s never really been in love, so it’s all very much a new thing for him, too. because of that, expect there to be some awkwardness as you both try to navigate these feelings together 

essentially, you’d have a very solid friends-to-lovers story; and it’d definitely be one that everyone else saw coming before you guys even suspected that was where your relationship was going 

appreciates how loyal and caring you are; i think those would be traits that he’d value in a partner, and he’d appreciate being able to really relax and open up to you.

he’s very loyal and easy to trust; hopefully that would be able to quell some of your anxieties about opening up to someone and starting a relationship 

honestly, i think lukas is arguably your best match of the three!! he’d be a very good person to balance you out, and you could both bring a lot to your relationship!! 

alternate matchups

forsyth: he’s a bit of an opposite to lukas here, but i don’t think that’s a bad thing. i actually think the two of you are quite similar, in some ways! you’re both very loyal and passionate, and i think that’s something you’d both invest into your relationship. he’s a bit more extroverted, and i think he’s less prone to melancholy, but i think you share the same a similar spirit. i just think lukas would be better for you on the whole? i tend to like balance in my relationships, after all. 

alm: alm is very kind, open-minded yet tenacious, passionate yet measured. i think in a lot of ways, he’d be similar to lukas in this relationship; the main difference is that he’s a bit more emotional? this is one of those situations where i don’t quite know why i picked one person over the other, but eh!! i think it’s mainly that you give me a bit of an ‘old soul’ vibe, while alm still comes off quite young? whereas lukas can match that maturity a bit better!!

[musingmycelium]

da 20 questions

i was tagged by @goblin-deity thanks dear <3 and i’ll tag @lyrium-lovesong @raymurata @pegaeae @veridium-bye and @crystal-grace <3 no obligations of course <3

01) Favourite game of the series?

ooooghghghghghgh Origins is my Favorite, the Story........

02) How did you discover Dragon Age?

i recieved a copy of inquisition as a gift, became immediately immursed but i didn’t dig more into the series for a good half a year or so? at which point i discovered the other two games and went Oh Fuck

03) How many times you’ve played the games? 

oh, uHHHHHHH, Far Too Many. i’ve sunk over 1k hours into dai alone, origins and da2 probably have about 1k combined?

04) Favourite race to play as?

i’m always a slut for elves 

05) Favourite class?

me, a staff wielding bisexual: i’m Mage, all the way. though i don’t mind rogue if i mix things up [which is like, i think i have three or four rogue play throughs out of all of them?] i NEVER play warrior bc i’m a bottom i’m not about that life

06) Do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

i play in character! so i’ve got some Wildly different world states depending on which playthrough/oc i’m on

07) Go-to adventuring group?

for my Canon world states i’ve got origins gang: sten, zevran, morrigan. da2 gang: fenris/aveline, anders/merrill, varric. dai gang: dorian, bull, solas/sera  i sense a theme...... 

08) Which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

oh god, ellanis and noure are my most fleshed out origins kids, wren and galahad are less fleshed out, sorta, but i Love them, idrilla and da’ean are pretty fleshed out as well -though linayel and mithra are also fairly fleshed out i just never write about them 

09) Favourite romance?

ZEVRAN -god i love him so much hhhhhHHHHHHHH he’s got Everything, everytime i play ellanis and he goes ‘the grey wardens die here’ i’m Fucking Lost Already man. hhhhhoooohhghghghghghgh i’d go on but i’m running on cough syrup and midol so it would be even less coherent than ususal

10) Have you read any of the comics/books?

lmao i own all the books but i haven’t been able to finish them because My God are they poorly written. LIKE good Characters, good characters, shit prose.

11) If you read them, which was your favourite book?

the one i’m furthest along in rn is stolen throne so i’ll go with that one

12) Favourite DLCs?

jaws of hakon -holy shit as an archaeologist grad student i cannot tell you how much i Fucking Loved the lore dump in site form that was jaws of hakon JUST OH MY GOD it was AMAZING the first time you talk to professor what’shisface with the hot accent and he starts talking about chronologies via buckles i was fucking lost in nerd heaven

13) Things that annoy you.

homophobia and transphobia and racism. the games are Rife with bad correlations between real people and grey morality and poor handling of sensitive contents, though i don’t know if it was all done for ‘woke’ points or if some came from legitimate good intentions, most of my problems lie in those areas. fandom also hits a lot of my annoyances but that’s what block is for

14) Orlais or Ferelden?

antiva bitch

15) Templars or mages?

mages

16) If you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

same one! ellanis is my canon hof but noure is a part of his backstory and they meet during the blight [ellanis frees noure from a sentence of tranquility and conscripts them, uh, temporarily] noure leaves the group after like a week?ish and goes to nevarra. wren and galahad are twins, wren being the older one and the main rabble-rouser hawke. da’ean is the only quizzy but idrilla, linayel, mithra and a handful of other lavellan ocs all exist within the clan -idrilla and linayel and a few others come to skyhold after clan lavellan handles the unrest in wycome with da’ean’s help [my canon there is a bit wonky as of yet as i’m still working out the kinks]  

17) What did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

this is the part i suck at, i think ellanis named the mabari something after the flower that saved him? but i don’t remember tbh, and that’s the only one i cna think of rn too lkjlkjlkjklj

18) Have you installed any mods?

oh yes. ohhh yes i have an extense amount of mods on all three games, mostly cosmetic ones but a few gameplay ones

19) Did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden?

ellanis didn’t no, he thought warden’s were a bit of reality mixed with myth. when duncan shows up he’s more skeptical and curious than anything else, and his joining is less than enthusiastic but he makes the most of it for a good five years, before he fucks off to do his own research in antiva in seclusion -he just leaves, with an encripted note for nate making him warden-commander of ferelden while he’s gone and tells him not to tell anyone where he’s gone. only nate and velanna know where he is in the wardens

20) Hawke’s personality?

wren is a purple hawke! she knows what she wants and she is not afraid to go after it, although she does care deeply and shows her affections loudly. she’s a fucking chaotic stupid mess and i love her.

galahad is blue throughout. a natural big brother, super loving and patient and caring. he’s always looking to help, though when things go wrong he tends to blame himself only, he’s more together than wren though. 

21) Did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition?

....yes.......  my inquisition is a fashion disaster, everyone has a palatte but i do complimentary colors for my parties and lis Of Course

22) If your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

yes, ellanis would go back and kill the shems before they could crash the wedding -to prevent shianni from ever having to live through what she did. he would still have probably been conscripted by duncan soooo not too big a change for him but, for shianni it would be huge. 

ellanis has another but it’s tied up with noure’s: noure would go back and ambush the templars before being captured and then run for their life. without ever having lived in the circle i don’t, know exactly how noure would come out -probably happier, less jagged, less terrified and paranoid. but probably not by much if they had to live their life constantly looking over their shoulder. they may have ended up in nevarra this way too, but they wouldn’t have ever made it to kirkwall and they never would have met anders or karl, they may have never fallen out of love with ellanis via distance/assumed death, it would be far different than what happened.

wren and galahad both would go back and save bethany. doesn’t matter how, or what the cost to themselves would have been that’s their little sister and they would do anything to save her if they could.

da’ean’s is much the same. his biggest regret, the thing which haunts him the most is ashalle’s [not dao ashalle lmao] death. he was supposed to protect her and after what happens in that field and that month, da’ean blames himself for how his sister died. though he isn’t the one to blame, and later [far, far later] he is able to come to terms with what happened. though he never Truly shakes the guilt.

linayel would probably try to save his mother’s sight. he would tell her to stay with him by the fire, or would try and find a cure faster for her. the illness wasn’t his fault and he knows it wasn’t but given the chance he would save her sight if he could.  

23) Do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

lmao canon? never heard of her, a shitton of what i write is either me taking canon and making it Good/Useable or me shitting on it and saying this is My Castle Now

24) Who did you leave in the Fade?

this choiice always pissed me off, or it did after i knew who they were. when i first played i had no idea who hawke was or who the grey warden contact was [stroud for my first couple of play throughs] at all. so i would flip flop between them without care really. 

now, in my canon alistair stays behind while hawke physically drags da’ean out because he was going to stay and fight or find a different way out. i still think its shit and a naratively piss-poor meta punch though

25) Favourite mount?

i’m a dirty gatherer so i don’t actually use any mount. the only time i Have used a mount was the royal 16 for screenshot purposes, which i lost when my harddrive crashed a couple months ago D:

[athenril-of-kirkwall]

For DWC: Fill, Wanted, Trouble for Hawke x Athenril

Woohoo, more of Hawke and his bae/boss/it’s complicated/(?)

m!Hawke/Athenril, “Wanted in Ostwick” (AO3)

“You said you wanted to see me, Aveline?”, Hawke asked innocently.

“I did indeed,” the Guard-Captain said, folding her hands together on her work desk. “Oh, come off it. You’re not in trouble. Not this time, anyway.”

“Right,” Varric said, “because people only ever get hauled up to the Guard-Captain’s office for social calls.”

Glaring at the dwarf standing behind Hawke, Aveline said, “I don’t recall inviting you.”

Hawke explained, “Oh, that was on my initiative. I figured that if I was being dragged here I’d need him to talk me out of whatever circumstances I’d find myself in.”

Aveline felt a headache coming on. “You…oh, never mind. What I wanted to talk to you about was this.”

She reached into a drawer, carefully lifting a well-worn piece of parchment covered in writing and decorated with two portraits. A stamped decree on the corner denoted Ostwick as its place of origin. Hawke and Varric leaned in to study the poster as Aveline explained why and how it’d come into her possession.

“You see,” she said, “I was clearing out some old files when I moved in, and I just so happened to spot this old poster. What’s this all about?”

Hawke shrugged his shoulders. “I haven’t the foggiest, Aveline. This is clearly a wanted poster for ‘James Faulkner’ and ‘Jessie Varvel’.”

“Oh for the love of the Maker…!” she yelled, jabbing her index finger at each picture in turn, saying “That’s clearly you, right down to that stupid smear of blood you’re never able to wash off after a fight,”

“I beg your pardon!” Hawke ejaculated, defensively wiping at his nose, which was perfectly clean this time round.

“, and that’s obviously your old employer Athenril!” she continued, pointing at the redheaded elf whose picture was right next to his.

“I, ah, hasten to remind you that she happens to also be your old employer, my dear Guard-Captain, so I wouldn’t be screaming this from the roof of the Viscount’s keep,” he retorted.

“Oh, please. That’s not even close to the worst skeleton in anyone’s closet here,” Aveline said, rolling her eyes.

All three of them waited for Merrill to interject with some confused comment about skeleton infestations in the keep, until they realised that she was still in the Alienage.

“Anyway,” Hawke huffed, “I claim the right of habeus corpus. My lips are sealed.”

Varric stared at him. “I think you mean protection from self-incrimination, Hawke.”

Squinting as her headache got worse, Aveline said, “Actually, you’re both thinking of the statute of limitations, which I assure you is well past.”

Hawke turned to Varric, asking him, “Isn’t a statuette of limitations that thing Bartrand had us fish out of that creepy thaig?”

“I suppose you could call it that,” the dwarf quipped.

It definitely was worse now. “A ‘statute of limitations’, you numbskulls, means you can’t be prosecuted for a charge after a certain amount of time, but this doesn’t happen to include murder, robbery, or grand theft, so don’t get ideas. And no, I’m not telling you how long right now either.”

Eyes dimming after lighting up at the idea of gaining clemency for the odd felony by getting away with things for long enough, Hawke turned back to Aveline. “Oh all right, I suppose you’ve got a right to hear this story. This was a special assignment Athenril had for me, hence why you were left out of the loop when we went over to Ostwick.”

Aveline leaned forward, steepling her fingers. “Special assignment, huh?”

“It was, ah, a two-man job.”

Raising an eyebrow, she asked, “Is that what they call it now?”

“Look, if you’re going to take perverse pleasure from questioning me about this, I think I have a right to make Varric tell you the story so we’re even.”

They both started to protest, but Hawke clapped the merchant on his shoulder, telling him, “Too late! You’re up, says me and your unpaid tab at the Hanged Man, which will disappear tonight, if everything goes well right now.”

“Oh, all right,” Varric said, “but only because Hawke’s still kind of hung up about…”

Hawke was staring daggers at him.

“Look, you drag me into this, I’m going to take you down with me.”

Aveline gently pounded on the tabletop. “Do you mind getting on with it, Varric?”

“Very well, so this was, as you can guess, sometime during Hawke’s first year here…”

Somewhere, sometime in the future, a short-haired Nevarran Seeker of Truth let loose a disgusted noise once she realised that she’d let Varric recursively nestle his narratives within each other yet again. The dwarf’s smile threatening to reach both his ears, he began.

Sometime during Hawke’s first year in Kirkwall, and when he was still working for Athenril the Hightown smuggler, he went on a special assignment to Ostwick with her, namely smuggling lyrium mined around Kirkwall and selling it to their branch of the Mages’ Collective at a killer rate in return for certain services, specifically getting them, along with some Tal-Vashoth mercenaries she’d pay for this one-off, to come over to Kirkwall and deal the Coterie such a bloody nose that they’d get off her back forever, ladder or otherwise.

Hey, you’re the one that mentioned the statuette of limitations, Red. Once you tell us how long that is for lyrium smuggling, I’ll just say it happened that long ago plus a month.

So anyway, they were supposed to go there with just a small sample of the stuff, with Hawke as “James Faulkner”, an eccentric Fereldan nouveau riche who was wasting his parents’ money on a tour of the rest of the world, starting out at Val Chevin, then Cumberland, followed by Kirkwall, then the coastline of the Free Marches, which left Ostwick as his next port of call. Athenril was posing as Varvel, his elfin mistress, because you know, that’s the kind of world we live in.

That said, I don’t think she wasted a single opportunity in their shared quarters reminding Hawke just who was boss.

…I did say I was going to drag you down with me, Hawke. You don’t like how I’m telling this story, you can take over any time. I can pay for my own drinks, you know. Fine, Aveline, I’ll get to it. Where was I? Oh yeah. After riding the rough seas day and night, they finally got within sight of Ostwick, and the loving couple…of business associates…disembarked, with a heavy suitcase of the stuff in tow.

This, as you might expect, is where everything started going wrong. You see, the Coterie firstly didn’t really fail to notice their chief rival, even with her hair and ears wrapped in a headscarf, leaving the city, and secondly, the Coterie happened to have friends of their own in Ostwick, specifically amongst the Templars, whose lyrium addictions they were already feeding, so this really was a ship doomed to sink before it launched. Figuratively, although it could well have been literally too if they had so wished.

Still, they probably wanted their marks to get a little bit further into the city before getting at them, so that they had the opportunity to really make examples of them. Such was it that “James Faulkner” and “Jessica Varvel” rather overconfidently got through the customs, what with their specially lead-lined valise nominally containing the various curios that this Fereldan fop had been picking up on his Grand Tour but instead secreting the good stuff within its secret panels.

Finding lodgings in a chateau so ridiculously beyond their usual accommodations that it’d have broken their budget had they actually intended so stay more than the night, or, well, not just steal it back once they were done in Ostwick, Hawke and Athenril went on to indulge their fantasies of wealth and privilege, strolling through Ostwick’s rich markets and supping on fine food and wine – a fleeting dream, that they only wished they could hold onto for more than just one day…oh, all right, Hawke, I’ll move on. I hate seeing you grumpy.

In truth, they were also reconnoitring the streets, seeing where and how they’d approach the drop-off point, having picked up their contact’s signal at the bottom of a tankard in one of their better establishments, also surveying the rooftops for possible exits and escapes. This in particular would come in handy afterwards, when it all went to shit. Their supposed contact was in fact a mole, a double-agent for the Templars if you will. Safe be it to say that if they had actually turned up at their agreed-upon alleyway in Ostwick they’d have never made it out alive.

But you see, Templars in Ostwick are a bit more of an organised and efficient bunch than the hobnailed thugs…excuse me, Aveline, beleaguered civil servants…we have over here, and from the moment they’d landfall there they were already making preparations to nab the two of them, and as they slept in their down-lined bed, posters were already going up and their informants were already spreading the word that this Fereldan dandy and his elvhen maid were both Public Enemy Numéro Un.

Still, to give Hawke and his lady-boss some credit, they did sense the air shifting outside their room well in time to get dressed into their armour, shoving their finery into their lyrium case, dumping the mass of worthless Lowtown gewgaws onto the carpet, before the Knight-Lieutenant assigned to the case started kicking down the door after his usual “you-are-under-arrest” speech, bolting out of the window to the waiting rooftop outside.

Well, you can imagine the sort of wonderful escapade that resulted. Real exciting stuff, these rooftop chases, what with being weighed down by that precious valise which was the source of all their troubles. Hawke can tell you just how difficult it is to balance on a slanting roof with five pounds dragging you down on one side. Clutching it to his chest like it was a child, Hawke zigzagged his way to the harbour, with Athenril leading him the way there.

It was all going well until he twisted his ankle and slid all the way down a tiled roof to land amongst a pile of grain sacks, only to find himself surrounded by a group of opportunistic bandits who were on the lookout for “James Faulkner.” Wincing in pain as he drew his daggers, Hawke prepared for the inevitable. There were a lot of them and just one of him, and his foot was aching something fierce.

Then, like an avenging spirit, Athenril dove off the next roof, her arrows landing in one thug each, making a perfect descent to the cobblestone quay, fighting her way to Hawke.

“Come on, don’t make me do all the work,” she said, smirking at him.

Returning her grin, he told her, “I was distracting them while you lined your shots up.”

Oh what? You don’t like it when I do the voices?  Fine, Hawke, you do yourself since you know yourself so well, Red, you do Athenril since I can’t hit the high notes. Well, if you’re both going to be like that, no more dialogue. Wet blankets.

Anyhow, you can pretty much guess how that fight went, and eight or nine corpses later, Hawke, still gripping to that case like his life depended upon it – and let’s face it, it probably did – hobbled his way along the waterfront. It was clear that unless they found a boat they’d never make it out of Ostwick. Neither of them being sailors, they settled on a dinghy they cut loose from a docked caravel, slipping between the ships until they made it to the coast.

Well, Ostwick and Kirkwall, different as day and night as they are, do share a common problem, namely big horny men along the shore. Turns out they’re even thicker with Tal-Vashoth than here, because their kinsmen decided to start spreading the Qun at Ostwick, and over time more of them got disillusioned of their ethos, and so they’ve got a worse infestation of wandering, directionless, ox-heads on their stretch of the Wounded Coast.

Wandering and directionless as Hawke and Athenril were at this point, it was pretty much inevitable, really, that they would run into them, and so they did. A camp full of dozens of them wasn’t all that far down the coast, and wounded as Hawke was, there was no way they could fight their way out of that one, so they did the only thing they could think of.

Namely, surrender.

After convincing her of that very point, he crouched down to the valise whilst maintaining eye contact with their leader the whole time and popped open the secret compartments, pulling out the enriched lyrium as it shone in the night. Turning to the saarebas to see their reaction, the leader nodded in approval, gesturing to one of their tents.

And, well, what happened that night, after she tended to his wounds, I leave as Hawke’s prerogative.

They left the next morning on a fishing boat headed for Kirkwall, having impressed upon its captain that they were more trouble than any bounty was worth, with no lyrium, no mages, and no gold, but a fine story to tell and memories of living it up in Ostwick that would last a lifetime. And that, Red, is the story behind that poster on your desk.

“Hawke?”

Varric and Aveline turned to their mute companion. He hadn’t moved an inch since Varric had finished spinning his tale, just sitting quietly in his chair in front of the table and gently tapping at the poster lain upon it. Blinking in silence, he eventually looked back up at them.

“Hm? Oh, right,” he said, “Well told, Varric. Very discreet, very tasteful. Just had to mention my impromptu roof dive though, didn’t you?”

“Well, it does explain why you handed it over to the Tal-Vashoth without a fight.”

“I suppose it does,” Hawke murmured.

Aveline looked over to him concernedly. “Are you feeling all right, Hawke?”

“I’m always all right, Aveline,” he said, standing up. “See you at the Hanged Man tonight? Drinks are on me, and not just Varric’s. Thanks for reminding me of, well, simpler times.”

“I’ll let you know, Hawke,” she said. “We do have a bit of a lull at the moment, hence the social calls. And, well, thank you both. I suppose that is one story I’d been waiting to hear.”

With that, Hawke and Varric, the former still oddly silent, left the Guard-Captain’s office.

“Funny thing,” Varric told the Seeker some unspecified time in the future, “when Aveline came back the very next day that poster was missing from her desk. Some of us say it was next seen pinned to a wall in the Hawke Estate, some say it flittered its way to the Red Lantern district after that, but there’s no way to know one way or another now.”

Cassandra groaned and asked, “Was any of that the truth, dwarf?”, pinching at her slightly throbbing forehead as she did so.

“Well,” Varric said, “it does explain why Hawke remains persona non-grata over in Ostwick, statuette of limitations or otherwise.”

“I suppose it does, at that,” she said. “But is the Champion of Kirkwall really such a…sentimental creature?”

“Lady Seeker,” he asked as he innocently raised his palms, “aren’t we all?”

Letting forth another disgusted noise, Cassandra said, “Absolutely not.”

Still, she too was quiet for a long time before resuming her questioning, idly tracing circles on her copy of The Tale of the Champion with her fingertips as Varric discreetly swiped a drink of grog from her mug. Stories were hard work.

@dadrunkwriting

[magicrobins]

i’m not calling you a liar

Derek Hawke & Anders. Dragon Age [Dual AU]. 1,900 words. More under the cut. AO3.

Summary: Not quite enemies, but not quite friends anymore. Neither Derek nor Anders know how to mend their once strong but now torn friendship.

Includes background mFenhawke and fHanders.

Derek’s opinions are his and not mine. :’)

He hadn’t said a word to Anders since the Chantry. He hadn’t spoken to him before they’d ran off into battle - Vera had taken care of that. He’d watched out for him during the battle, keeping templars and demons at bay, but he wasn’t sure if he’d done that because of his sister or the memory of a strong friendship, a sense of brotherhood with the other man.

They’d ran far from Kirkwall. Derek wasn’t sure how many days it had been. All he knew was that it’d been more than one. It had been long enough for them to travel far enough that the fire that burned Kirkwall’s streets and the smoke it threwup into the air to vanish from sight. It should have been a comfort, but it was anything except that.

He had finally made a home for his family in Kirkwall. Bethany had, to his disapproval, been happy in the Circle. Carver had found his place with the Grey Wardens. Vera had found happiness and a cause with Anders. Now all he could think was that he and his family had been forced to flee the home they had worked so hard to get. And his friends had been forced to flee with them. Gamlen hadn’t gone with them, rather sneaking out of the city with plans to stay with his daughter. He had no way of knowing whether or not his uncle had made it out of the city alive.

He led the way, deciding which way to go, which path would keep them best hidden. Occasionally, Vera would voice input. That usually ended with snapped words, clear anger, and unsaid disappointment on both ends. Eventually they would need to go their separate ways, but it wasn’t time for them to split up. Not yet. Not yet.

The angry snaps were the only words exchanged by the eldest Hawke twins. They’d spoken briefly before going off to battle, and then again a day earlier when Derek had told the group what the plan was to protect Vera and Anders.

Derek had no doubts that his twin was going to stick by Anders side. When the group split off, he knew who would go with who. Kenrick and Merrill, Jaxton would join Stella and Isabela before eventually going his own way, Vera would remain glued to Anders side, and Fenris would stay with him.

Donnic had met up with the group a while ago, traveling with them either out of friendship or because of Aveline. But eventually those two would return to Kirkwall. There was no doubt that Aveline felt a call to try to mend the city. It was a call Derek felt too, but one he couldn’t afford to heed. Carver and Bethany were going to stick together. He’d overheard Carver mentioning a keep in Amaranthine, full of Grey Wardens. As long as it meant the youngest Hawke twins would be safe and secure, he couldn’t argue. The only person he wasn’t sure about was Varric. Varric insisted he’d be fine on his own, and while Derek didn’t doubt that, he didn’t like it.

A few times they ran into bandits. They were dispatched quickly. One had almost gotten Derek once with a sword to the back. With a crackle of electricity, Anders took the bandit out. Their eyes met and the blonde gave him a weary smile that somehow looked more sad than cautious. Derek should have thanked him. He didn’t, afraid that if he opened his mouth, the wrong words would come out.

He could risk saying what was constantly running through his head since the Chantry, since fleeing Kirkwall. He knew Anders expected the words. He knew his friend - was that the right word anymore? - was surprised when no snaps or snide comments came. Derek had already shoved him against a wall and snarled words into his ears directly after the Chantry. He’d heard Vera’s magic flare up, but Kenrick had stopped her, reminding her that no matter how angry or upset Derek seemed, he would never kill Anders. He would never do that to Vera.

But she wasn’t the only reason.

He still saw one of his best friends in the other mage. He could still remember the times they’d spent together, the laughs and bad jokes they had shared. He remembered Anders helping to convince the Grey Wardens to take Carver in so he could live. He remembered being there for Anders after Karl’s death, after barely knowing each other. He remembered Anders being there for him after his mother’s death. He remembered when Anders had accused him of not really supporting Kirkwall’s mages, of taking a neutral stance. He remembered both the good and the bad.

He remembered his best friend.

In a sense, both Vera and Anders had kept him from driving a dagger through his friend. However that decision hadn’t come without a price. He’d saved one best friend only to lose another when Sebastian and Talia had stormed off together. A part of him still felt like despite his decision, he’d still lost Anders as well.

But Vera was as happy as she could be, considering the circumstances. That was what he used to convince himself that he’d made the right decision. He focused more on his sister’s feelings than his own. He focused on her happiness over his own sense of betrayal. Thinking about Anders… That hurt, and he didn’t need to hurt more than he already was.

Fenris stuck close to his side the whole trip. Whenever they stopped for the night and made camp, Derek insisting on taking first watch, the elf would stay up with him, curling up at his side and firmly grasping his hand. He was an anchor that Derek couldn’t afford to let go of.

Then the last night they would be traveling together came. He knew in the morning that they would part ways. Even if he didn’t want to take the first watch, he couldn’t sleep. Carver had offered, but he’d insisted his brother get some sleep. He’d been running on little sleep already, what was a few less hours added to that?

He had his arm draped behind Fenris, the elf resting against his side, breathing peacefully as he slept. As much as a part of him wanted to focus on the sound of Fenris breathing, to relax and close his eyes, falling asleep next to the man he loved; he needed to stay alert. Maybe he was being paranoid, but he wasn’t sure if the templars would have followed them this far, if at all. Had they successfully gotten away during the chaos? Had they traveled far enough? Would anywhere ever be far enough?

As far as Thedas would be concerned, they had destroyed a Chantry. He and his friends would make sure the stories told of one Champion of Kirkwall, to keep Vera safe, but that would mean all of Thedas would think he had something to do with Anders’ actions. The Chantry and Templar Order would view him as an accomplice. Perhaps they would even think he orchestrated the whole thing, if enough rumors were placed saying so. He could get them to focus on finding him, causing their searches to stray far from Vera and Anders’ paths. And he and Fenris could certainly handle a few templars.

“You should get some rest,” a voice cut through his thoughts, gentle, familiar, laced with concern but also more hesitant than he was used to hearing it.

He looked up to see Anders, sitting up with Vera resting against him. Her eyes were closed and he thought she was asleep, though he couldn’t be certain.

“Someone needs to keep watch,” was all he said - all he could bring himself to say.

“I could keep watch,” Anders pointed out, his voice still hesitant as if he expected any word to set Derek off.

Good instincts, Derek thought, but he said, “You need to rest, stay strong - for Vera, for yourself.”

Silence stretched between them when it was clear that neither of them would be closing their eyes. Derek was fairly certain Anders stayed awake because he couldn’t fall asleep, not out of stubbornness. The fire crackled and spit up sparks that danced off into the sky before they faded against the cool air. Despite the warmth of the fire and the body curled up next to him, Derek still felt cold, numb.

“I’m sorry about Sebastian and Talia,” Anders spoke again, voice hushed either because he was afraid of waking Vera up or unsure if he actually wanted Derek to hear him or not.

The words should have been comforting, but all Derek could do was grimace.

“You’re sorry about Sebastian and Talia?” he whispered back, “That’s what you’re sorry about?”

Anders looked like he wished he could unsay that. “Derek--”

“Save it,” Derek snapped as quietly as he could, “Just take care of my sister - and don’t blow anything else up.”

He thought Anders looked like he wanted to argue that last part but instead the blonde hung his head in defeat, clearly not having the energy to argue.

“I never wanted to hurt you - any of you,” Anders whispered, voice as defeated as he looked. “I only wanted to help Kirkwall’s mages.”

“Kirkwall is burning,” Derek countered, “And the mages lie dead in the streets.”

“There was no other way…”

“How do you know that?” he heard his own voice crack but found it hard to hold his tongue, “Did you get anyone else’s opinion? Vera’s? I know you didn’t ask me.”

“Derek…”

“Maybe there wasn’t any other way,” he admitted, resisting the urge to shrug, not wanting to risk waking Fenris up. “But I doubt one person could have gone through all possible scenarios by himself. You could’ve… You could’ve asked me or do you still think I’m all talk?”

Anders sighed. “I - I hadn’t meant that. I’d just been angry.”

“And I was angry when I said if it wasn’t for Vera, I’d kill you,” he added, remembering having the fabric of Anders’ shirt bunched in his fists, the other mage’s back shoved against the closest wall, his voice burning with anger, and his own hands sparking as his magic reacted to his anger. He remembered the genuine fear on Anders’ face as if his friend had actually thought he’d kill him.

Friend…

Now Anders looked at him with raw guilt. He had no doubt that Anders didn’t regret his actions, though he seemed to regret the consequences - maybe not all of them, but this? He possibly regretted this consequence.

Derek felt the urge to say more, but he didn’t think it would be wise. Anders seemed to think the same thing, resigning himself to resting against Vera. Eventually his eyes closed though Derek wasn’t sure if he was actually asleep or not. He realized Fenris was awake when he heard the other man sigh. He turned a head and placed a soft kiss against Fenris’ hair.

There was a silence before Fenris whispered, eyes locked onto Anders and Vera. “He wanted to die.”

Derek considered what to say for a moment. “He was prepared to die. There’s a difference.”

“That is true.”

“And she wouldn’t have forgiven me.”

Fenris looked up at him, eyes searching his face for something - Derek wasn’t quite sure what. “You would not have forgiven yourself.”

[araglas1989-writing]

The long journey

This story containts some Flashbacks which are not in their chronological order. So to know what happenes in which order I made a fixpoint (the day the chantry blows up) and counted from there. At the beginning from each flashback stands a shortcuts. for example 1y6 b.ch.b.u. means 1 year 6 months before chantry blows up

Chapter 1

"So it begins", Meredith stated icily, "I must gather my forces at the Gallows - meet me there as soon as you can Champion. I'll leave this... murderer for you to deal with. He's your companion. Do as you see fit."

Hawke nodded to her as she left, turning to Anders who sat motionless on a crate, his back to the other mage.

Anders seemed to sense his approach. "There is nothing you can say that I haven't said to myself. I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself forever to achieve this. This is the justice all mages awaited."

"Did the spirit tell you to do this?" Asked Hawke, attempting to give Anders a loophole. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt any of his companions after all.

Hawke still couldn't process what had happened. Couldn’t accept that this was really Anders’ doing, that he himself had helped to blow up the chantry.... But small glimmer of hope he had had was crushed by Anders next words.

"No. When we merged he ceased to be. We are one now. I can no more ignore the injustice of the circle than he could. The world needs to see this. Then we can all stop pretending that the circles are a solution." Anders’ voice was cold, so devoid of emotion that it hurt to hear it.

"So it's up to you to decide how things should be?" Hawke's voice trembled slightly in disbelief.

"It's obvious how things shouldn't be. And if I pay for that with my life... then I pay. Perhaps then justice would at least be free."

Hawke sighed and turned to his other companions. He would not decide this on his own.

"Opinions?"

Sebastian’s raged filled voice was first. "If I'd been in that chantry today, would you wailing? You know what must be done!"

"Bold plan. Well I thought so." The pirate stated next, not really being of any help at all.

Aveline's voice sounded strained. "Belief is no excuse. Sincerity does not justify this." As always, she demonstrated nothing except strength, but those who knew her could see that this wasn't easy for her.

"I think I'm sick of mages and templars" Varric spat in disgust, aonce again not being of any help insofar as the decision that Hawke had to make in respect to Anders.

~~~~

After the threat of the mages was resolved, Fenris stood a apart of the others. The warrior still felt the buzz of magic leftover from the fight in his markings, still tasted the metallic taste of it at the back of his tongue. He couldn't believe what just had happened. Or rather he couldn't believe that Anders hadn’t told him what he had planned. After all they had been a couple for one and a half years now...

Somehow Fenris' thoughts wandered to their first touch… the first that wasn't meant to hurt. It was after Anders took care of him while he had the flu.

The warrior hadn't wanted to the help, but the Mage had been patient and came by every day with soup, potions or salves to help the headaches and take care of him regardless.

First the blonde left as soon as he had made sure that Fenris took everything he had brought, but later, after Fenris settled in with the routine, Anders stayed longer.

(2y2 b.ch.b.u.)

 The warrior was finally back to full health. Anders had come one last time to check up on him, to make sure he was fully healthy. When once the Healers presence felt natural, it now felt...strained, awkward.

 "I just wanted to check, if everything is alright..."

 "It is"

 "That's good... uh... yeah stay healthy, yes? Okay I... will just go now..." Anders fidgeted a little, brushing away a non-existent mote from his robe and turned to leave.

 "Mage?" Fenris took a step closer at the exact moment that the healer turned back around, standing now in his personal space. "You look tired. Stay a while."

   Without thinking he had reached out to touch Anders' shoulder, but when the mage's gaze shot to his hand, he hastily removed it. Fenris' eyebrows went up in surprise, when Anders’ own hand shot forward, caught his hand and entwined their fingers. Judging from Anders’ facial expression, the healer was also surprised at his own actions. Fenris squeezed Anders’ hand gently to reassure him, glad that he wasn’t wearing his gauntlets.

   A small smile appeared on Anders' lips "I would like to stay"

Gradually, little by little, they began to trust each other...care for each other. It was nearly one and a half years ago that they had decided to give a romantic relationship a try.

Without the spite, their arguments turned into normal (if sometimes heated) discussions. But being intimate with each other helped them to understand each other, to learn to see things with from the others point of view. Fenris now believed that Anders might be right, mages deserved to be free. But they also agreed, that when the magic first manifests, the children needed to be separated from the rest and be schooled by older mages in order to learn to control their magic. AND, most importantly, that the parents should be able to visit them. They further agreed that as soon as the young mages learned to control themselves and learned their specialities they should be free to go where ever they wanted.

This is why Fenris couldn't understand what had just had happened. Why would Anders destroy everything he had fought for? and why would the healer destroy what they had? Why would he betray Fenris?

The Warrior had noticed that Anders had been behaving a little strange these days, but he had thought it was because Anders wanted to separate himself from Justice. He’d been wrong. Now Fenris knew that Anders had lied to him, and that hurt so much more than Fenris would have believed possible. Still, with the hurt also came burning fury and that was an emotion that Fenris greeted like an old friend. Fury he could comprehend. Fury he could handle.

~~~~

Merrill watched Anders for a moment, thinking about what to say: "He should come with us. Do what he can to put things right. "

"And fight side by side with templars? That's insane! I would rather die than do that!"

It was the anger in Anders‘ voice that brought Fenris back to there here and now, hate filling his entire being as he snapped.

“I will show you why Mages are feared' " he snarled with disgust "is this not your battle cry? Because that is exactly what you just have done, fool mage! Do you not see what you have done? You have thrown every mage into war! Do you think the templars will stop when it comes to the untrained children? To the Tranquil? To the weak you wanted to protect? They will all die. And what about the innocent non magical people? They will be caught in the crossfire! There is no way for the mages to win this. Even if they eliminate every last templar all non magic people will fear them. You pathetic fool doomed all of your kind!"

"Better they die in the war for freedom than as no better than a slave in the Circle. You of all people should understand this!"

"And it is up to you to decide how they should die? Congratulations, you are just as bad as the templars. You...." Fenris shook his head in disbelief. "You know what? You are dead to me. You destroyed everything. Not only the future of the mages but also ours."

Anders opened his mouth and shut it, then opened it again just to shut it once more, shaken by his own rage. He even glowed slightly, but his eyes were still honey coloured.

"So... your vote is for killing him?" Hawke turned at Fenris, an eyebrow raised. He paused in surprise when Fenris actually nodded at him. He turned back to Anders, drawing his dagger and stepped close. Anders was just staring at him, deflating again ready to surrender his fate.

With his fade step Fenris was next to Hawke, holding his dagger hand at the wrist. "Stop." He stared at Anders. "Go. It is my fate to kill you and I will, if I ever see you again. GO!" He screamed the last word with all his hate, his hurt, his fury, his despair.

Anders swallowed visibly, before he turned and started running.

Fenris felt his heart break, but he turned around his face blank of every emotion other than his want to kill. "Let us get this mess cleaned up."

~~~

A fight this big without a healer was more than just a bit messy. Hawke knew a little about healing magic but he was no spirit healer. So it was a small miracle that none of their party were mortally wounded.

After order was restored, Hawke made certain that no mage was killed who surrendered and stopped countless assaults on those mages from the templars. Every one of his companions went back to their homes and treated their wounds.

Fenris stayed for four weeks to recover properly from several nasty injuries, long enough to see Hawke become the new vicomte.

The surviving mages were brought back to the circle. But not before Hawke came to and understanding with Cullen that they were treated much better than before. When Fenris was sure that Hawke had everything under control, he decided that his time with the former champion (now the new vicomte) was over.

Everything here reminded him of Anders. He could not stay. So, he bid his goodbye to everyone, promised to keep in touch through letters and took his leave.