#then he put me back down to repeat the viscious cycle

[oatmilk-vampire]

The homoerotic tension between me and the killer that just threw me over his shoulder like I weigh nothing

[goldenchildkatsuki]

haunt // bed

a tododeku one shot 

WARNING: ABUSE MENTION!

Writers note: finally, I finished my first todeku fanfic! I wanted to write about other ships other than kacchako for a while but it was harder than I thought. I started out writing a todeku studydate fic but I was so stuck. But then I listened to this one song and I was immediately inspired to write this. It’s not long but I hope you enjoy. Feedback is always welcome!

Word count: 1.579

Song that inspired the fic: (x)

‘I’m not scared.’ he whimpered. ‘I…I’m not scared.’ he repeated. Todoroki’s heart felt heavy, repeating the same sentence over and over again. More to himself than to Midoriya. Even with the lighting low Todoroki could see that Midoriya’s brow was furrowed with worry. Todoroki took Midoriya’s hand and stroked it with his thumb. ‘See?’ he tried to reassure him. Midoriya smiled, enjoying the gentle touch. The soft smile made Todoroki believe for a single second that he really wasn’t scared. He didn’t feel like suffocating under the blanket, the lit flashlight that was laying on his lap wasn’t burning a hole in his stomach. He was fine. He was doing okay. He was doing alright. Todoroki brought Midoriya’s hand to his own cheek, fingers floating above the flushed skin. He could feel the crooked fingers of his partner starting to tremble. ‘You shouldn’t be nervous, I’m not scared.’ Todoroki thought about how many times they’ve been in this exact situation. He could hold his hand, he could bring it up to his face. Sometimes he could even let him trace his skin of his cheek. Touching more than just his cheek seemed impossible then. The last thing he could imagine  was letting go of Midoriya’s hand. He was too afraid it would wander somewhere unexpected, places where he experienced pain and places that only remind him of times of suffering. He would squeeze so hard, trying to lead Midoriya’s fingers to below his jawline. But he couldn’t. His body immediatelhy wanted to defend the touch. Making his heart rate speed up, making sure it told him that something wasn’t right. He tried to ignore the signals his body we’re giving him. But the damage had been done a long time ago, since the age of five. Todoroki still felt bad for pushing Midoriya away when they first kissed and his hand went to the back of his neck. Midoriya felt bad for making sudden movements and now they’re both stuck in this viscious cycle of apologies and taking the blame. ‘I don’t want to upset you, I don’t want to do anything to make you feel upset.’ Midoriya adjusted the blanket that covered both of them whole. Todoroki looked down at the fingers still floating inches above his cheek. Midoriya started to carefully pull his hand back and put it back on his lap. ‘You need to stop forcing yourself to do things you’re not ready for.’ he said stern. ‘Your reaction isn’t strange. It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.’ Todoroki knew that. Your father beating the living hell out of you is not exactly a normal situation. Sometimes he still felt his rough fingers squeeze the back of his neck or his nails digging into the thin layer of skin on his throat or even the horrible feeling in his gut after being kicked in it. Sometimes he felt it at random. But most of the time it was triggered by a touch of another person. Todoroki felt those painful sensations coming back to him and closed his eyes. Hoping that it would make the feelings seep out of his body and into the matress they were sitting on. ‘You’re so lovely.’ He simply said after taking his time. He felt like the darkness wasn’t doing enough. ‘You’re absolutely stunning and I adore everything about you.’ He opened his eyes and looked at a taken aback Midoriya. ‘Looking at you, thinking of you even makes me numb. In a pleasant way. It helps me forget to feel unpleasant things. Thank you for that.’ In a matter of seconds Midoriya started sobbing. He raised fists to his face and cried into them. Todoroki tried to shift closer, adjusting the blanket above them. At times like this he was glad that he was afraid of being touched but not of touching. Todoroki gently uncurcled Midoriya’s crooked fingers, held his hands and kissed the back of his wet hands. Midoriya’s eyes were closed, shut tightly. ‘L-look at me. H-ho-how can I be the wrong crying when y-you just told me how you depended on me. I’m…’ Todoroki took his sleeve and whiped the tears of Midoriya’s face. He never minded Midoriya’s emotional character. It’s actually something someone like him, someone that didn’t learn how to deal with emotions properly, needed. ‘Just because you cry all the time doesn’t mean I can’t depend on you.’ Todoroki chuckled. It made Midoriya smile through his tears and he started chuckling as well. ‘I like it more when you laugh though. Sounds a lot better.’ ‘Are you saying I’m an uglier crier Todoroki?’ Midoriya joked. Todoroki cupped his face with his hands. ‘Yes.’ ‘So honest!’. They both laughed. At that point Todoroki wouldn’t have minded just cuddling up against each other again and continue reading the All Might comic they have abonded some time ago. But he was really itching for a just a tiny bit of progess. A fingertip on the jawline maybe, he would be satisfied with that. But Midoriya was smiling and laughing again, was seeing the happiness fade away out of the boy really worth it? Maybe this was good. This was alright, just enough. ‘I am going to kiss you.’ Midoriya said. Since that one situation he started announcing almost every kiss. Sure, it sounded quite strange, but it was thoughtful. Todoroki simply nodded and closed his eyes. He heard and felt Midoriya adjust his position. He felt the warmth of his face and his lips brush against his. Their kisses were filled with innocence, with reserved movement of lips and tongue. Lazy and slow. This might’ve been one of the best ones they ever had. On his bed, under his blanket, connecting like this. It was their Eden. And there that itch was again. Todoroki did want to try again. “I’m not scared.” he tried to calm himself down. He tried to search for his boyfriend’s hand. He pulled away when not being able to find it. Dazed from the affection they hazily looked into eachothers eyes with dialated pupils. Both of them were out of breathe and didn’t say a word. Todoroki was the first one to look away. ‘I want to try again. I want you to try to touch me.’ He whispered. He could still feel Midoriya still staring at him. He didn’t answer him, he just swallowed. Todoroki looked into his eyes again, demanding some kind of answer. ‘Todoroki…’ ‘Please.’ Todoroki didn’t mean to make it sound like he was begging but that’s what it ended up sounding like. ‘Todoroki, really I-‘. Todoroki felt himself choking up. ‘Izuku, please.’ He took his hand and gripped it tight. He tried so hard not to fall apart. He believed he could do through with it. He just needed consent. Midoriya’s eyes were widened with shock. With visably doubt on his mind he gave in. ‘I’m stopping this if I think you’re overdoing it okay?’ That was reasonable. Todoroki started at the same place they left off, above the cheek. He tried to take a deep breath to calm him down but the air they’ve been recycling under the blanket didn’t make him feel any better. He started shaking. He could’t stop and because of it a single finger tip touched his cheek. It made him flinch. He felt Midoriya getting ready to pull away. Quickly he forced the other fingertips on his cheek. It felt weird but not bad. He had dealt with this before on good days, very very good days. He closed his eyes when he carefully dragged the fingertips to his jawline. Panic started to fill his body. It’s already make the alarm bells ringing. He jerked Midoriya’s fingers to under is jawline down to his neck. He gritted his teeth. He wanted to scream, scratch away the touch, defend himself entirely, but it’s what he wanted deep down. He wanted to get familiar with the touch and for once actually not be so damn scared. Desperately pushing down memories he tried tot hink of how tender it felt in reality. How, even though it were merely fingertips brushing against him, filled with love the touch was. Todoroki held his breath when guiding the fingertips tot he back of his neck. That awakened a burning sensation. No matter how much he tried to focus on the kind touch in there here and now he felt sick, he felt so so sick. He felt his face getting wet. ‘Just let go of his hand. Just let go. Please.’ He pleaded to himself but Midoriya already put an end to it before Todoroki could push himself any further. Todoroki couldn’t help but break down. Soaking the matress and avoiding any eye contact with a heartbroken guy sitting infront of him. Midoriya let him cry, seeing as he didn’t do it often. The wailing filled the silent room and it felt it was too loud to Todooroki. He wanted to stop with all his might but again, his body was winning against his mind. ‘This is the farthest you ever came. I’m proud of you.’ Midoriya eventually told him. ‘We’ll try again next time.’ He leaned forward to Todoroki who was starting to quiet down. His soft cries were completely subdued when Midoriya planted another kiss on his lips.

Eden.

He managed to take him so deep into a place where it was only them that he didn’t even feel the hand on his cheek.