#then im unable to sleep cuz im so sad and anxious

[huuxy]

Every single day when I fall asleep I'm just being grateful for how good I have it in my life. And honestly it's not even THAT good. My country's economy is in ruins, every single day I'm exhausted and overworking, but when I read the headlines each day, it makes me realize how extremely blessed I still am. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, we can afford food, water and heating (although I wonder for how long. The situation here in my country is terrible), and so on and so on...

Its so emotionally draining to keep reading or seeing the terrible news and WANTING to do something so bad... to help, to do something, to prevent, to cure... but i dont have the power to do so and the only thing I can do is to cry for the ones who don't have it as easy as I do. But my tears do nothing, they don't help anyone, I'm just so powerless it makes me go crazy

[ginandweas]

Okay so I don't normally do this but I need to vent about the absolute shit this semester has been so far, or even just today

- woke up feeling sick to my stomach as usual because my digestive system is fucked

- also woke up with a stuffed as fuck nose cuz why not throw a cold into my life

- while things ~overall~ seem to be getting better for my chronic pain that literally just means I've gone from being in pain every hour of every day unable to do the daily function of walking around or focusing on ANYTHING other than the pain to only half the hours of everyday. That is some days are worse and others where I can't sleep any way other than laying straight on the floor on a heating pad. Today I left 3 hours later than planned because I needed to lay on my heating pad for longer and have been walking around limping

- currently crewing gum because my housemate was puking in our bathroom all morning and I had to go to class

- Did I mention I have crippling anxiety about people throwing up and getting sick?

- so basically too anxious to be in my home but too much in pain to be anywhere else

- don't worry, I did make it to my first class, where I watched 2 professors cry because that classes actual professor isn't coming back because his 14 year old daughter was hit and killed by a car while at cross country practice and it was horribly sad and tragic and my heart just aches because these grown men were so sad and I can only imagine my actual professor. And then we sat in pretty much silence for 20min passing around a sympathy card

- now im waiting for my next class where I haven't handed in anything because I physically dont have the mental capacity to do work while focusing on everything else

- I'm also way behind of my relay for life obligations which I CANNOT be because I'm the fucking chair of it because even that, which got my through last semesters depression and my mom getting diagnosed with cancer, I can't even focus on

- oh and I'm on acidemic probation so if I don't do well this semester I will LITERALLY get kicked out of school

- also this has all been great for my depression this semester

- Postive: my face swelling and pain from my tooth infection seem to have gone away this morning after my root canal yesterday

I can feel how over dramatic this sounds but I just needed to get this out of my head where it kept spinning. I KNOW I have not has the toughest life and that so many people are going through such worse things probably in my campus alone but I think its fair enough to say today has been pretty shitty