#my heart hurts so much im so sorry for every terrible events that keep happening

[huuxy]

Every single day when I fall asleep I'm just being grateful for how good I have it in my life. And honestly it's not even THAT good. My country's economy is in ruins, every single day I'm exhausted and overworking, but when I read the headlines each day, it makes me realize how extremely blessed I still am. I'm healthy, my family is healthy, we can afford food, water and heating (although I wonder for how long. The situation here in my country is terrible), and so on and so on...

Its so emotionally draining to keep reading or seeing the terrible news and WANTING to do something so bad... to help, to do something, to prevent, to cure... but i dont have the power to do so and the only thing I can do is to cry for the ones who don't have it as easy as I do. But my tears do nothing, they don't help anyone, I'm just so powerless it makes me go crazy

[xoxoxoz]

hiii how are you? :) i hope you’re doing welll ! ngl but im missing your updates a lot :( hope to hear from u again !

— jeemin anon :D

Omgggg hi Jeemin anon😭🫶🏼

I’m so sorry, I was stacked with studies the past week because of my exams.

Here’s a draft I kept. Just for you🩷🩷

Bang Jeemin x F!Reader

📝: Jeemin broke up with you the night before prom after a terrible argument, and your new prom date stood you up. You deemed it was the worst moment of your life, but Jeemin decided to return in order to fix what she started.

⚠️: lovers to strangers to lovers, a bit angsty, happy ending

You looked up from your cup for the nth time and looked at the opened gymnasium doors with hope, thinking Sunghoon would be come running in.

Yet it wasn’t.

Your heart grew heavier by the minute and your friends came to check on you again after spending a few minutes with their own prom dates. Moka held Chanelle’s hand while she rubbed your shoulder.

“Y/n, he’s not coming” Moka whispered.

You fiddled with the empty red cup in your hands and sighed knowing that she was right.

“He wasn’t worth it anyways. You look like an absolute 10 tonight” Chanelle commented to cheer you up but all you could give was a half smile.

“I knew he’d bail. He’s a dickhead” Yunah scowled which earned her a nudge from Jiwoo.

“Watch your language, Noh Yunah”

“But I’m serious! I’ve warned him to not hurt Y/n and he did anyways. I’m giving him a piece of my mind later”

You turned around to face them, tears already streaming down your face. “I’ll be okay…”

“I’m sorry about Jeemin, Y/n…” Jiwoo sighed.

The name alone gave you terrible flashbacks from the previous night when Jeemin decided to end the relationship after a disagreement she had with you. She had opened up that she received a scholarship to leave Seoul and pursue her Uni studies in Australia but you weren’t willing to accept a long distant relationship. Jeemin even insisted on having you move with her but leaving your hometown just like that didn’t seem so easy.

That’s when Sunghoon decided to step in as your prom date but he didn’t even pick you up, let alone arrive at the event. It felt like your world was falling apart.

“This night couldn’t get any worse, could it?” You sniffled and accepted the tissue Jiwoo prepared.

Moka looked up and her eyes suddenly widened, shaking Chanelle’s hand to gain her attention on the same thing. “No way..”

Yunah looked too and a smile slowly crept up her lips.

You finished wiping you tears, in hopes that it didn’t totally ruin your makeup. But then a heart warming voice filled your ears.

“You look so beautiful, Princess”

You spun around so fast, it almost gave you whiplash. Jeemin stood in front of you, wearing a black dress that matched your white one and her smile made your ears turn red. “Jeemin?”

Jiwoo signalled for the others to leave with her, allowing you to have some privacy with the taller girl.

“What are you doing here?” You asked in a tone of anger. “Aren’t you supposed to be catching your flight to Australia or something?”

Jeemin looked down with shame. “I cancelled it.”

“What?”

Her eyes returned to you. “Look, I know you’re still mad at me and you have every right to. That night we argued, I thought you’d be happier for me that I even received that scholarship because I’ve told you about my dream so many times. Then once I got home, I realised how stupid I was for focusing so much on my own happiness that I forgot to prioritise our relationship first”

You crossed your arms and looked away but Jeemin was quick to grab your chin and face her again. “Please look at me, pretty girl. I’m so sorry for fighting. I should’ve thought about your feelings first, and I promise I won’t let this happen again in the future. Give me that chance to love you properly and keep you as mine”

Jeemin’s hand moved from your chin to your cheek and you immediately leaned into her warm touch as more of your tears began to fall.

“Don’t cry please, Y/n”

“No I should be sorry, Jee. You’ve been dreaming of this for so long, why should I stop you from achieving it? I was just so worried about what would happen to us and I keep predicting the worst” you cried into her arms.

Jeemin held you close and stroked your hair like she usually did to comfort you. “If dropping this scholarship means being with you forever, then so be it. My happiness is always with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way”

“No Jeemin, I have a better idea” you said and looked up at her. “Take the scholarship and I’ll go with you”

“Y/n you don’t have to do that”

“No I mean it. It’ll be a big step for me to make the sudden decision but as long as I’m by your side, I know everything will work out in the end”

The taller suddenly captured your lips, her hands resting on your sides lovingly. You were quick to accept her kiss and it felt like forever since you last tasted them but you were happy to know that your night got better.

You got your girl back and you weren’t going to let her slip away.

Jeemin pulled away and rested her forehead against yours. “Be mine again, Y/n. We’ll be okay this time, I swear it”

“You’re the only person I want Bang Jeemin. My future pharmacist” You giggled as you touched noses.

“And you’re my one and only…future nurse” She replied sweetly.

“Wait but how about your flight? Won’t you miss it?”

Jeemin shook her head. “I’ll email them and ask if we can fly over next week instead. I have my ways, baby”

You allowed her to rest her chin in your head. “Alright I trust you. My night was going crappy”

“Oh I know. The moment I cancelled my flight, I drove to your house to talk but Yunah called me to say that some dude stood you up at the prom so I got dresssed and came here as soon as I could”

“Thanks for saving me—“

“Yo you’re just gonna steal my date like that?” Sunghoon appeared, grabbing your waist to pull you into his arms.

“Get your hands off my girlfriend”

“Yeah right. She wouldn’t have accepted my promposal if you were”

Jeemin clenched her fists. “You stood her up anyways, dickhead. You may have been her prom date, but she’s been my girl for 4 years, so back off”

“Tsk, let’s get away from this chick, Y/n” Sunghoon scoffed.

You surprised him with a hard punch to the jaw, making him fall on his ass. You dusted off your dress before returning into Jeemin’s arms. “There’s a lot of things wrong with you Sunghoon. Go fix it before trying to woo another girl. You messed with the wrong one”

“That’s my girl” Jeemin smirked and kissed your temple. “Let’s enjoy our night, Princess”

“Gladly”

As you and Jeemin walked away, Sunghoon was still processing the punch as he touched his bleeding lip. Yunah, Jiwoo, Chanelle, and Moka reappeared around him like a cage, staring him down like a prey.

Sunghoon looked around cautiously, fear evident in his eyes. “U-Uh…”

“While our little Y/n-ie goes to enjoy her night, we’re gonna give you a lesson for ruining it in the first place” Moka chuckled sarcastically and cracked her knuckles.

“You promised me you wouldn’t hurt her, Sunghoon” Yunah growled, scaring the boy even more.

“W-Wait a second”

They in fact did not wait a second.

And spent the remainder of the night beating his ass.

[kenjikutie]

Starlight [Dabi x Single Mom!Reader]

summary: when you and your children are saved by a man covered in burns, you offer to repaire his staples and clean him up, an offer that gets you much more than you’d bargained for word count: 2.6k warnings: a tiny bit of violence pairing: dabi x fem!reader

waking up at five am every morning to prepare yourself for the day certainly was not how you saw your life turning out four years ago. but, the moment where you opened the door to your twin son’s room washed away all over your regrets and filled the space with nothing but love. you thanked whatever was above you each day that they had ended up looking like you, rather than their father. you didn’t know what you would have done if you had to look at his face for the rest of your life

kindly stroking hibiki’s cheek, you watched as your son squirm awake, blinking away the sleep in his eyes. you smiled softly and whispered your morning greeting to him, watching as he beamed at the sight of his mother. hibiki kicked his small legs at you, a signal for your attention. with a huff, you lifted your son from his bed and sat him on your hip, slightly ticking his sides to see him giggle

when you felt a small tug on your pant-leg, you glanced downward to see hitomu giving you a pout, clearly jealous of the attention his brother was getting. you set your hand on his head, ruffling his soft y/h/c locks before setting down hibiki to present them their outfits for the day. the two had rambled on and on last night about how excited they were to attend their first day of preschool

though you would never tell them, you were just as happy to get a day to yourself while your sons were taken care of. you had so many errands to run, bills to pay and groceries to buy. living as a single mother in the city was tough, both financially and mentally, but it was worth it. you didn’t want to rely on the boy’s father for anything

while you were caught up in your thoughts, hitomu took your hand in his much smaller one, showing you a bright smile, though it was missing a few teeth. he proudly held up his all might lunchbox and you came to the realization he was trying to imitate his idol. hibiki took your other hand, beginning to mutter about how the three of you should get going before they miss breakfast

after locking up the apartment, you kept a steady grip on their hands, not wanting them to get lost in all the hustle and bustle of the city. the boys seemed to glare at everyone who past you, taking their roles as the ‘men of the house’ very seriously. you, on the other hand, were focused on reviewing the route to their preschool, praying that you didn’t get lost along the way

suddenly, you felt a sharp tug on your elbow, causing you to gasp, preparing to let out a scream before a rough hand clamped over your mouth. hitomi and hibiki gripped tightly to you, calling out to you as the three of you were dragged into a nearby alleyway. you were harshly thrown onto the concrete, wincing when you felt your knees scrape against it, surely drawing blood

hibiki clung to your left side, burying his face in your stomach with a sob, “mommy! are you h-hurt?”

you reached upward and set your hands on his cheeks, “hitomi, take your brother and get out of here right now! please!”

darting your eyes around, you caught sight of hitomi but your stomach dropped down to the pits of hell when you saw what he was doing. hitomi had his hands balled up into fists, holding his all might lunchbox in front of him

“l-leave my m-momma alone!”

“hibiki, stop!”, you screamed, terrified of what could happen next

the man laughed, a cruel, wicked sound, before snatching the prized possession out of your son’s hands and throwing it against the brick wall, smirking when he heard it split open. you pulled yourself off the ground, doing the best you could to ignore the throbbing pain in your skull. swiftly, you wrapped your arms around hitomi’s torso, pulling him behind you

with a tightening of your fist, you laid a punch on the attacker’s face, wanting to scream from how bad it hurt. he wiped the blood off of his nose and gripped you by the collar, slamming his forehead onto yours, causing your vision to become nearly entirely black. you could hear your sons crying but couldn’t speak a word

then, a bright flash of blue brought back your vision, feeling yourself slip from the man’s hold and back to the ground. you didn’t even look back at the attacker, despite his screams of pain and agony. hitomi and hibiki were holding one another, tears running down their horrified faces. quickly, you held the back of their heads and tucked their faces into your chest, hoping to hide whatever gruesome thing was happening behind you

when everything went quiet, you shyly lifted your head, flinching when bright blue eyes stared right back at you. the man in front of you was lanky and tall, scars littering his chest and face, along with staples holding his normal skin together. he looked like he was in so much pain and it made your heart ache

“you good?”, he asked, voice gruff and rougher than any sandpaper

“n-no, but,”, you looked up at him with wide eyes, “thank you. thank you so much.”

he didn’t move or acknowledge your thanks, only walked behind you to pick up the lunchbox that now had a huge crack in it, right over the face of your son’s hero. hitomi pulled away from you reluctantly when he felt a tap on his head. his eyes watered at the sight of his lunchbox but he took it back anyways, clutching it to himself

you slowly stood up, but even that was too much for your head. your knees buckled as soon as you were on your feet and you would have fallen back down again had it not been for the hand that steadied your lower back. everything was turning hazy again and you were sure you head a concussion. the last thing you saw was the concerned eyes of your sons and their mouths opening, surely calling out your name

---

you slowly fluttered your eyes open, feeling yourself relax into the softness of a familiar bed. then, you remembered the events before you fell asleep. lifting yourself forward suddenly, you felt the pain in your head come back but you pushed it away, determined to know how you got home and where your children were

the first place you checked was the living room, heart beating even faster when you didn’t see them, only the mess that had been left from their toy playing session the other day. where were your sons? how did you get home? and where-

a relieved sigh left your lips when you opened the door your sons’ room, only to see them snoring softly in their racecar beds. you had never been happier than that moment. when a cough came from the doorway, you jumped, holding out your hands in defense while the figure chuckled

“geez, chill out jumpy. it’s all good.”

the man from before stared at you with humor in his eyes. a part of you said to hit him until he left your home, to chase him out but, another part was begging you to make him stay. you just had to know who had saved you from something so terrible

taking one last look at your sleeping sons, you joined him in the hallway, keeping the door open out of paranoia. he kept his eyes on you, making you more nervous by the second

“um, thank you for back there. if you hadn’t come-”

“you already thanked me. hit your head that hard, jumpy?”, he teased and you felt your fists clench

“well, im sorry if im a bit uneasy after being attacked in an alleyway!”, you threw up your hands and stormed into your room, hearing him cackle behind you but follow you nonetheless

taking a seat on the edge of your bed, you felt tears begin to pool in your eyes. hurriedly wiping them away with your hand, you could feel the bed dip beside you, but neither of you said anything. you held your face in your hands, softly crying your heart out

dabi winced at the sound, the noise of a mother sobbing bringing back memories he would much rather have forgotten. when he had seen you and your kids get pulled into the alleyway, he had contemplated doing nothing to help, just continuing back to the bar. but, the face that had comforted him throughout the nightmare that was childhood would not leave his mind until he saved you

you peeked out from between your fingers to see a tissue being dangled in front of your face. eyes widening, you reached out to accept it, dabbing at your eyes with the soft tissue

“im a failure of a mother.”, you whispered and dabi quickly placed his hand on your shoulder, turning you to face him

“from what i saw, you punched the dude in the face and managed to protect your kids even after gettin’ the life headbutted outta ya. you’re not a bad mom.”

when he began to stand up, you latched onto the sleeve of his long jacket, head hanging down, “why are you doing this? i don’t even know you.”

and at that moment, all he saw was his mother

“you remind me of someone i know.”

raising your head, you tossed the tissue into your garbage can and looked up at him with a pout. he nearly laughed at how much you looked like a little kid but your splotchy eyes made his heartache

“let me repay you.”, dabi raised his eyebrows with a teasing smirk and you blushed, “not like that! i meant that i could fix your staples, they look like they hurt.”

after thinking for a minute, he nodded, “lead the way, jumpy.”

---

dabi was sat on the edge of your bathtub, watching your every move. when you bent down to take the supplies out of the cabinet, his eyes trailed a bit lower but he shook his head with a smirk. you would so not be into that, he thought

“it’s probably gonna hurt but don’t worry, i took a few nursing courses in college so i don’t think i’ll kill you.”, you joked and it made him feel a bit better that you had calmed down

“that’s good to know, jumpy.”

you stood up and set a hand on your hip, looking down at the man with a look typically reserved for your children, “would you stop calling me that?”

kneeling down in front of the tub, you began to wet a cotton ball with some peroxide while dabi shook his head, “no can do. i don’t know what your name is.”

“well, i don't know yours either.”

“and you’re not gonna- jesus!”, dabi jumped at the sudden sting on his cheek and you quickly apologized, rambling about how it was supposed to hurt less if it was a surprise

the two of you entered a comfortable silence, you gently removing and replacing his staples after disinfecting his raw skin. dabi began to look around your bedroom, at least what he could see from the doorway. no photos of anyone but your kids and someone he assumed was your mom. the right side of the bed looked like it hadn’t been used

“your husband probably won’t be happy to find me here, ya know?”, he was pressing slightly, watching to see any reaction you made but your face stayed neutral as you tossed another cotton ball into the trash

“i don’t have a husband, just me and my sons.”, your eyes held sadness, a different one from earlier, this one was dull and seemed very old

“oh. did he-”

“yes.”, your hold on his skin turned harsher and dabi caught your wrist, meeting your eyes before pushing your hand back

“sorry.”, you muttered, going back to your work while dabi watched you intently

the father of your kids must have been someone pretty stupid to leave the three of you. your sons seemed to love you a ton, considering how their walk home consisted of one of them glaring at him while holding your hand and the other quietly telling him where to go

he remembered looking down at your face while you slept in his arms. you were one of the most beautiful women he had ever laid his eyes on, so it was only natural to think you had someone waiting for you at home. but, the only boys who had your heart where the four-year-olds who wouldn’t leave your side until they fell asleep

he had been so deep in thought that he hadn’t even noticed you had finished up. you were right. dabi felt much better. he could finally move his arms and face without feeling like he was about to rip his skin off. maybe he would come back here again if it ever got too bad

“thanks, jumpy.”, dabi said, watching as you glanced down at the tile floor

“y/n. i’m y/n.”, he hadn’t expected you to tell him your name, figuring your paranoia would still have the better of you

dabi fixed his coat and let you walk him to the front door, taking a glance at you from the side. you were gorgeous but, there was nothing he could do about it. he was one of the most wanted villains in japan. it was a miracle you hadn’t noticed who he was yet

the two of you stood in the entryway, you avoiding his gaze and him refusing to look anywhere else. he would probably never see you again with how his life was going but there was a pull in him, a part of himself he had locked away a long time ago, that wanted him to stay here, to fall in love with you

you felt a rough hand place itself on your cheek and you gasped, locking eyes with the man who had saved your life. dabi leaned in and couldn’t help but notice that you did too, but, all you received was a peck on the forehead

“you don’t have to leave, you know?”, you said and he could see the worry in your eyes, but it wasn’t fear for yourself

“sorry beautiful, but i have some prior engagements to take care of. but, you ain’t gotta worry, nothing like that’s gonna happen to you again.”, furrowing your eyebrows as the man opened your door, you reached out to grab him, but he was faster than you

“see you tomorrow morning, y/n.”

the end.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[heryoungho]

Hehe hi there!! :3 I'd like to request for a scenario in which you and Yangyang have grown closer and have shared intimate moments together, but it's also on & off because you've been emotionally abused in your previous relationship (YY doesn't know). It's not that Yangyang doesn't treat you well, it's just that you're a lil scared since that event :( After reading ice ice baby i rly wanna see more of your work, your writing is brilliant and rly touched me heart 🥺😭 thankiew and take care!! 💖

hi anon! im so sorry this took so long to write, but here it is! i hope you like it, and this was really a fun scenario for me to write, it’s def something different than what i’m used to, but in a good way! pls let me know what you think :)

word count 1.4k

warnings description of an emotionally abusive relationship, mentions of suicide, some dark themes (nothing too explicit though)

The relationship between you and Yangyang was...complicated, to say the least.

It wasn’t that you didn’t like him, because you did, you really did, but that sickening feeling in your stomach just wouldn’t go away. Yangyang had been your close friend for 3 years, you two had done nearly everything together and it was a strange sight to see either of you alone because of how attached you two were. Your friendship with him had gotten a little rocky when you started dating your ex, Jihoon. Tall, buff, and handsome, he was the perfect man in your eyes, but in the eyes of others, not so much. The red flags had gone completely over your head, and not even your friends telling you he was being weird wasn’t enough to warn you. 

Jihoon was nice to you, for the most part, he took you out on dates and called you pretty, but that was only what the public saw. Behind closed doors, he transformed into another person. If he saw you with another guy, especially Yangyang, he would get angry and jealous and accuse you of cheating on him, and whenever you denied, he would ignore you. The only way to make it up to him was if you agreed to stop being friends with them. No texting, no calls, no hanging out, and for some reason that was beyond your knowledge, you agreed, cutting off all of your guy friends for Jihoon. You didn’t really put much thought into that, knowing how jealous boyfriends can be and that eventually he’ll get over it, but he didn’t. It got worse. 

He began to control what you wore, what you did, and how you acted, and if you tried to refute any of his words, he would guilt trip you, saying that you don’t love him and that he’s such a terrible person. He was right in that last part. The relationship only lasted a couple of months, and when you finally had enough of it, you broke it off, not letting his multiple threats of suicide phase your decision any longer. The worst part of it all was that no one knew because Jihoon had made you cut off all of your friendships, leaving you to suffer all by yourself. 

You thanked your angels that Yangyang reached out to you one day, and slowly but surely, you rekindled your friendship with him, the boy still blissfully unaware of what you had gone through because you were too scared and ashamed to tell anyone. It didn’t take long for you to develop a huge crush on your best friend, and that’s where things got bad.

You don’t know how it happened, but it did. One minute you were at a party with Yangyang and your shared group of friends, 4 shots in from the game of flip cup you had played with them, and the next minute you were in his bed, naked sweaty bodies mingled together and lips locked in a dirty makeout session. When you woke up the next morning, you saw Yangyang next to you, sleeping like a baby, the both of you still naked, and let’s just say the alcohol wasn’t the only thing that made you run to the toilet to vomit. 

It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, right? It was just a drunk hookup, things like that happened all the time in life...Well, maybe not for someone who just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. All of those moments lead up to the one you were in right now, Yangyang sat across from you on your bed after he had texted you saying that he wanted to talk to you. 

“__, can I just say something?” He asked cautiously, and you simply nodded, not having said a word the entire time he was here. His eyes were so warm and inviting, just like how they’ve always been.

“Okay, so, I don’t really know how to say this, but I like you. I really fucking like you, __, and you don’t know how mad I was to see you dating that asshole Jihoon because he did nothing but treat you like shit. About the party, I know I was drunk, but no part of what happened was only because of that. Every kiss and every word I said to you, I meant it. I’ve been in love with you for years, but I totally understand if you don’t feel the same way.” He took a deep breath, not noticing how fast he was talking that he nearly forgot to breathe. His eyes scanned over your face for any signs of emotion, but that was exactly how Jihoon had left you: emotionless. 

Yangyang didn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t for you to let out a sob and practically throw yourself into his arms. When he said he loved you, that was all it took for you to realize that you were in love with him too, but you were so fucking broken from Jihoon that just the thought of being in another relationship scared you to death. He didn’t say anything, just letting you cry into his shoulder as his hands rubbed soothing patterns on your back, a piece of his heart breaking from hearing you sound so distressed. 

Once your tears dried up and you were able to breathe normally again, you sat back, looking at Yangyang with red, puffy eyes. “Yangyang, of course I like you. You’re the most important person in my life, and I wasn’t upset about what happened at the party, because I meant it too. I love you, Yangyang, but I’m scared...Jihoon...he…” You trailed off, and that was enough for anger to light up in Yangyang’s veins. He placed his hands on your face, cupping your cheeks so you looked directly in his eyes. “__, what the fuck did he do to you?” Yangyang asked in a low voice, and you could tell he was pissed off from the slight tremor in his words. 

You laid it all out to Yangyang, from the first part to the last, you told him everything Jihoon did to you, and this was the first time you told someone about your story, but you felt like a thousand pound weight had been lifted off your shoulders. Yangyang didn’t say a word, listening closely to what you told him, but you didn’t miss the way his eyes would darken or his jaw would tighten as the things you told him got worse and worse. When you finished telling him, his hands reached out for yours, gently holding them and cradling your hands like you were the most fragile thing he’s ever touched. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” He said quickly, moving to stand up, but you squeezed his hands, keeping him in place. “No, Yangyang, he’s not worth it.” You tried to plead with him, running your thumbs across his hands to calm him down. He froze when he saw the sincere look in your eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath, and pulling you in for a hug. His arms wrapped around your shoulders, nearly suffocating you as your face was shoved into his shoulder, but you didn’t mind it at all, wrapping your arms around his waist. 

“You didn’t deserve any of that, __. I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He said in almost a whisper, his voice so soft that you could feel tears burning in your eyes, but they were happy tears this time. “I know it’s gonna take some time, but I want to make this right, I want us to work out. I’ll go at your pace, okay? And I’ll do everything in my power to pick up every piece he broke. I would never hurt you, __, do you understand that?” 

You pulled away from his embrace, that last sentence cutting through your heart like a freshly sharpened knife because that was exactly what Jihoon told you, but deep down inside, you knew Yangyang wasn’t like him, and he would never be like him. 

Sniffing and blinking your tears away, you raised a shaky pinky in between you and Yangyang. “Promise?” You asked in a tiny voice, a slight crack breaking up your words because of the tears you were holding back. Yangyang looked down and smiled, bringing up his pinky to lock it with yours, and he caught you off guard when he cupped your cheek with his other hand, pressing a kiss to each trail of your tears underneath your eyes, then your nose, then your lips. He leaned his forehead against yours before speaking again.

“Promise.”

[foryouthegays]

Nothing goes wrong. [Dream SMP] liveblog

ok im not gonna say anythin abt before 20 mins in bc its p standard but i will say that as SOON as phil messages techno chat spams blood for the blood god and it barely stops the entire time, its incredible 

kills: 00:37:25, 00:37:40, 00:55:20

i LOVE his ‘if theres no other way, I CHOOSE BLOOD’ line at 00:37:00. its just,,,,,it shows his new justice system where he treats others how they treat him even before he makes that speech i love it so much. also he spams potions like how he does in skywars and it makes me happy. honestly a lot of this stream reminds me of skywars like how he went through quackitys stuff and ran nd stuff. maybe ive been watchin too much techno skywars

also durin that first fight, techno only looses half a heart. against FOUR PEOPLE hes too powerful

does techno saying “bs” count as swearing (00:39:40)

techno insultin his kidnappers is the funniest thing to me like hes outnumbered outgeared and he still makes fun of them and theyre still scared of him asdjkfsdalkfj

00:55:00 I HAVE A PICKAXE, AND I’LL PUT IT THROUGH YOUR TEETH i need some fanart of that right now wljdflkasjf also durin that fight techno looses  2.5 hearts at the end. in iron armor. against a diamond axe. using a netherite pickaxe. with a bad fov. why is he like this. 

techno on his horse by the ocean gives me big ‘beating minecraft with tnt falling on me every 10 seconds’ or w/ever vibes. if u havent watched that stream, u should, its great, he has a horse named rocket w diamond horse armor and i love him. 

just realized my head hurt bc i was clenchin my jaws so much. whoops

techno literally has a boat in his inventory when hes like “theres a boat!!!! :D” skdfjlksajf (01:02:20)

the whole raccoon innit thing starts at 01:08:20 btw :)

techno gettin distracted w the skeletons killin each other is so funny to me hfdgksal (a min or so after raccoon innit happens)

01:09:45 tommys scream is so funny to me can someone find how many hearts he looses from that bc i am crying ghfdjksla 

i think techno has the alphabet memorized. not like, the alphabet song, but like he knows what letter are around each letter without going through the alphabet and idk why but it makes me laugh. i think this bc at 01:16:11 tommys like ‘what, f?’ and techno says, not a second later, ‘no. close to that, though.’ and that is NOT enough time to go through nd find f in the alphabet nd then find where e is compared to it. therefore, he is a nerd. also i love him

01:20:00 this is everything to technoblade: Phil, Carl, and then his items. 

im so gay for technos yelling voice. like. hhgnng he

“if we’re being serious, for a millisecond, dickhead,” :LDSFJLKSDJ I LOVE TOMMY 01:22:25

technos ‘join me.’ at 01:23:25 is SO GOOD AHHHHHHHH

vault/welcome home theseus is at 01:27:10 :D i might start calling it theseus’ vault bc that sounds cool to me

ALRIGHT so in the vault techno has 167 skulls on display. thats 56. withers. they r gonna cause SO much chaos i love it. AND thats probably not all of them ahhHHH I LOVE TECHNOBLADE SO MUCH. LMANBURG IS SO SCREWED A;LDKJFALK 

also thats only if i did my math right a;lksdfjaslk

i have decided that the best trio is techno, tommy, and ranboo. they all just jump all over the place with topics and i thin the convo at 01:56:25 shows it p well

Tommy: Technoblade, why havent you face revealed yet? 

techno: I-I have

Tommy: well, answered that quick

ranboo: *laughs* that answers that question

techno: that was resolved really easily!

tommy: why don’t you do it again?

techno:....what would be the point?

ranboo: yeah, what would be the point??

tommy: because then it would be like -stutters- it would be, you know, easy, good video because there’s so many people who dont know what you look like

techno: ehhhh ill find a good moment at some point

tommy: you could face reveal with me, bro!! we could face reveal together!

techno: ahhh finally, we’ll know what tommyinnit looks like 

ranboo: -laughing- thank god! that was one of the unsolved mysteries of the world

techno: unsolved mysteries of minecraft, what does tommyinnit look like 

ranboo: what does tommy actually look like? 

tommy: hey! speakin of unsolved mysteries, lets talk- lets talk psychology. what- what would be- you know, not the worst one you know, but just the worst word?

ranboo: I’m going to- I- if i hear this question one more time i’m going- i dont know what im going to do. i can’t do anything at this point

techno: ....cactus. 

tommy: ????cactus??? 

ranboo: that is a bad word, i cant believe you said that, 

tommy: -unintelligible- it is cacti, my friend, not cactusus 

techno: I’m sorry

ranboo: how could you say that on stream? 

techno: I’m sorry

tommy: it’s not cactusus, technoblade, its cacti

techno: i- i am aware  

ranboo: you- you gotta stop sayin it.

tommy: cacti almost sounds like a terrible, terrible slur right now

techno: please, please stop saying that- please stop sayin that word

tommy: what, cacti?

ranboo: AHHHH cmon, cmon tommy

techno: you cant use that word!

tommy: AYYY IF I SAY IT OFF STREAM I CAN SAY IT ON STREAM

techno: WOAHHHHH WOAH WOAH -laughs-

ranboo: NO THATS NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS 

techno: thats just not how this works, tommy!!!

tommy: eyyy man im just me, im just me- OOOH i have a novel to write!

ranboo:....where did that come from??? 

tommy: HOW TO SEX 3 BABEYYYYY 

techno: i thought you were already...done with that? 

god theyre so chaotic i love them so much

also yall are WRONG abt eret soundin like techno. ranboo sounds like techno. not in like, a really big way, but when theyre both monotone they sound similar and i love it. this is great

this is actually the most ive laughed at the smp in so long PLEASE go watch the entire techno ranboo tommy interaction its so funny technos just *long, long sigh* ranboos just ???????? and tommys just !!!!!!!! its amazing im crying 

technos such a dad to these kids oh my god his voice at 02:12:40 was so disappointed just ‘do not do that.’ he sounded like a parent on a trip to disneyland and his kids r like, hanging out the window of the car or smthing adjfaslkfkadsl techno :handshake: phil [being tommys dad] and also ranboo is bullying him its so funny i love it

AHHHHH HIS VOICE AT 02:20:35 I AM IN LOVE YALL HEAR THAT???? YALL HEAR HIM??????? AHHHHHH 

“in the small event that your internet goes off or you get hit by a car,” TOMMY THAT IS NOT A SMALL EVENT WHA T 2:21:30

A;LSKDJFASL RANBOO AND TECHNO HAVE SUCH SIMILAR HUMOR I STG TECHNO LOOKED AT RANBOO WAITING FOR HIM TO SAY ‘enchant?? just a wild guess’ AT 02:23:00 A;DLKJFASLD;JF I LOVE THEM PLEASEEEE KEEP INTERACTING IK I WAS A RANBOO HATER LIKE A WEEK AGO BUT ALSO I WOULD DIE FOR HIM ITS FINE 

this is so fuckin funny this end of stream stuff is gonna be a comfort stream 

“what does the moon make you think about?” “it makes me think about the moon” ALSFJDSKJFDSL 2:32:10

techno makin fun of ranboos defense of bein peer pressured,,,,,,,m’dude that was the reason u killed tubbo how is that ANY different (2:33:50) (yes i know he mentions it but FHGJKSDL)

TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR TECHNOSWEAR 2:35:25  HE SAY THE CRAP WORD

[wastelandcrown]

logan lark’s adventures in trying to appease his parents

CHAPTER 6: don’t lose ur head (the terrifying tales of the grimm monarchy)

Summary: Logan Lark is a fairly average high school student. By all means, he should be impressing his parents on all grounds. Except...he doesn’t exactly have a social life. So after his parents give him puppy dog eyes, he decides to join the local theatre's youth production. Good grief...His life is about to get weird isn’t it?

Warnings: Potential ooc behavior, Roman is a teenager who makes bad choices EXTREME edition, Remus being Remus, Intrusive Thoughts, Minor Bad Parenting, so much swearing it’s insane (If I miss something please tell me!)

Notes: This fic is based off an idea from @under-the-blue-moonlight. If you wanna be tagged in chapters, please ask!! I love this freaking chapter SO much but I’m really scared of how it’s going to be received. All feedback is extremely welcome!! 

Pairings: Intrulogical, Eventual Rociet, One-Sided Logicality, Platonic DRLAMP

Tagslist: @under-the-blue-moonlight @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @im-actually-ok @hauntedturkeycalzonedreamer @croftersjam15 @rainbowsixth @snaketho @wasinotwantedatthisexactsecond @a-soul-among-the-stars @sweet-razz-tea @the-cactus-lord

Over the course of the next month Logan learns that despite their reputations, Roman and Remus are the opposite of what everyone thinks of them.

Logan is the smartest person he knows, there is no way in hell he’d ever miss Roman’s multiple attempts to sabotage his role as Hamilton. Smart, and yet so oblivious. Each time Roman had tried to mess with Logan after he began cultivating a friendship with Remus he was miraculously saved from the torment at the last second. Remus is a hundred percent certain that Logan has no idea that he’s fighting off his brother at each and every turn. He’s not certain of much, so it’s saying a lot. There is a beautiful dichotomy in Logan’s logs of the events and the stories Remus tells about his brother’s scourge against his brand new ‘enemy’. On a page labeled ‘Roman Incidents’ in Logan’s succinct handwriting documents every incident through the month when Roman attempted to sabotage him.

July 20th - Roman tripped near my things in the drama room while holding coffee. When I went to check on my things, someone had removed the contents of my bag and filled it with around six pounds of glitter. If this happens again, throw the bag away. Glitter makes anything unsalvageable. You will keep finding it everywhere. 

Remus knew Roman had been planning something. Of course he did. Though they didn’t share a room anymore, sneaking into it had never been exceptionally hard. Neither had eavesdropping, when it counted. It counted now more than ever because Remus had become unreasonably attached to Logan and when he heard Roman talking to himself and mentioning the name of his favourite little nerd badly he knew it was now or never. It took two excruciating hours of sitting still and listening to get the juicy stuff. He almost got caught by their mother twice. She’d only been home for three days and she’d checked on Roman twice in one night. If Remus told her about the amount of effort he was putting into something she might keel over dead from shock. 

What a funny sight that would be to him. His mother, dead from the shock of his hard work to do something good, thumping onto the floor. He laughs a little, quiet enough to keep Roman from hearing. His brain supplies the rational next step of Roman running out of his room and distraughtly cradling their mother’s head in his lap. Roman sobbing. Roman blaming him. Roman screaming about how it was his fault. And it would be, if she died like that. Remus doesn’t think it’s all that funny anymore, but once the train of thought starts it can’t be stopped. He decides that eavesdropping isn’t fun anymore and makes his way to the kitchen, trying to shake the idea of his brother cursing him out for killing their mother out of his mind. 

It doesn’t really work, but he tries anyway. The kitchen is full of distractions, good and bad. The knives in the block look so enticing to his self-proclaimed ‘shitty-dick-wad brain’, but the cookies he nabs from the cupboard are so easy to shove into his mouth that he figures it evens out. He sits at the kitchen island and doesn’t even bother to turn on the light. It takes six cookies in his mouth at once before he can direct his thoughts somewhere else momentarily. How in the hell is he going to combat Roman’s plan? He spits all the cookies onto the counter as his brother walks in, flicks on the light, and sighs deeply.

“You could at least do that onto a plate.”

Remus just shrugs, so Roman speaks again, “How’s your evening been?”

“Before like...five minutes ago I was really liking it.” Which was true, Roman slides into the seat next to him and picks a cookie from the box.

“What changed?”

“Shitty brain,” He replies, “Y’know how it gets.”

“I do indeed. Do you need anything?” His voice is surprisingly soft with him, to the point where Remus has to give him a confused look before deciding what to say next. He figures out how to fuck with Roman’s plan in that moment.

“I wanna go to Party City and terrorize the night staff.” 

Roman only chuckles, Remus watches his twin put away the cookies and grab his car keys from the bowl on the counter. 

“Come on then, we can buy some of those plastic babies you like so much.”

As Remus is falling asleep later that night, his chest feels warm. He attributes it to the upcoming scheme-ruining scheming. It’s easier than admitting that that was the first time Roman had willingly hung out with him alone since elementary school. He knows the next morning that Roman is most likely buttering up because he suspects Remus knows. Which is...fair. Even if it hurts a little. They get coffee on the way to the theatre and separate. They both have important things to do. The best part about their somewhat rocky-relationship is that they always know where the other is in order to avoid each other. Remus knows that Roman has gone to see Janus and probably make heart eyes and pine over him like a dumbass. Roman knows that Remus is off drooling over his arch nemesis. Today it is more imperative than ever. During practice Remus manages to steal Logan’s backpack while he’s busy. 

He swaps the contents out with the six pounds of glitter he bought the night before and shoves Logan’s things into his bag for safe keeping. Nobody would dare look into Remus’ bag for fear of gore or weird pornography, even if he only has one in his bag at the moment. He’s shoving a small notebook in when he catches a title. “Hamilton Performance Experiment”. It takes literally all of his self-control not to immediately snoop. He makes it through, eventually meeting up with Logan and even carrying his bag to ‘be nice’ so Logan doesn’t pick up on the bag glitter. When Roman walks by with his coffee and “trips”, spilling his coffee all over Logan’s bag, Remus smiles. 

“Oh! Logan I’m so sorry! What a terrible accident!” Roman cries, ever the actor. 

Logan looks downright frantic as he lunges for his bag and rips it open. Glitter goes everywhere. Logan’s hair, Roman’s shoes, the entire dressing room floor. The look of distress fades from Logan’s face momentarily, returning full force when he realizes his things are missing. 

Remus pulls them out of his bag in secret, walking to the corner of the room, walking back and exclaiming, “What a good prank Roman! You must be taking some tricks from my book!”

When he hands the things back to Logan, Logan smiles. He decides not to ask about the notebook. 

July 27th - One of the props from the prop room was moved in with my things. I suspect Roman because of the look on his face when Remus took the fall for me. 

Just because he didn’t ask about the notebook does not mean it left his memory. By the time he gets in the car alone with his brother he realizes that Roman is pissed off at him.

“Couldn’t you have left it alone? How did you even find out!?” 

“I have my ways. Now shut up about it before I tell mom about that time in 8th grade-”

“Okay! Okay! I’m shutting up!” 

And he did. However that included no longer voicing his plans out loud. Which meant Remus had to get creative. He was very very good at getting creative. 

Dinner with their mother was much more quiet that week. Both twins brooding and not speaking with each other, their mother only prompting Roman to talk. It was too familiar in the worst possible ways. Remus despised his mother, but he knew how much his brother loved her. She was...well she was beautiful, intelligent, a very influential fashion designer, extremely supportive. Roman would go on about how perfect she was for hours. Sure, Remus could concede that their mother was beautiful, intelligent, and a very influential fashion designer, but whenever Roman talks about her he never says she’s at all a good mother. Especially not to him. He watches her laugh breathily at one of Roman’s shitty anecdotes from practice and decides he’s had enough of family dinner. He gets up and dutifully cleans his plate and places it in the dishwasher. The chef gives him a smile, and he smiles back. 

“Remus, dear,” His mother begins in her shrill voice, “If you’re not going to eat with us, at least go and shower. Your smell is unbecoming.”

Then she turns back to her food like she didn’t just attempt to insult him. Jokes on her, it takes a lot more than that to hurt his feelings. He still ends up forcing himself into the shower for thirty-five minutes that night.

The rest of the week he’s more tired than usual, which the others notice. He makes an effort to not be, he really does. When his mom is in town, everything just sucks. He hangs out with Janus three times and Virgil once to get out of the house and away from his family. The other nights he spends sitting outside the convenience store with a monster or two. He ends up calling Logan one of those nights out of need for company. Logan chuckles when Remus makes up a silly reason for calling that he can’t even remember now, but he can remember Logan’s laugh. He listens to Logan talk about the book series he’s been reading and he feels a little lighter. He never ends up finding out what Roman has planned, but it’s so easy when it’s happening right in front of him. Despite his lethargy lately, he feels a fire lit in him when the missing prop is found with Logan’s bag. 

Virgil and Janus are the only two teenagers with keys to the prop room. If Logan stole the missing prop, he would have had to steal the key. No one but the twins even knew Janus had a key, and Virgil was dead set on not letting a soul into the prop room. The idea that Logan, precious little innocent fucking lamb Logan, committed theft not once but twice enrages Remus. When they find it with his things, Logan is utterly baffled. Then he realizes the implications and his face pales. Roman calls for Thomas, spouting off about how Logan stole the prop and he should face consequences, when Remus laughs as loudly as he can. 

“Hah! You guys are so funny! You think specs could ever!? Guess my prank worked out pretty damn good if you actually think Mr.Goody-Two-Shoes could commit such a heinous fucking crime!” 

Thomas sighs, tells Remus to just ask next time, and leaves. Roman stares at his brother for a solid minute with his mouth slightly ajar. Janus and Virgil are both looking at him like he’s insane because it’s so obvious to them that Roman did it. Patton is looking not at him, but at Logan, with so much concern. And Logan...Logan stares up at Remus with the look of a small and confused animal.

“Did you really do that?”

“Of course I did! I’m the resident rat bastard, I have to cause a little recreational chaos.”

He’s pretty sure Logan believes him until they’re leaving for the day and Logan whispers a ‘Thank you’ to him as he walks by. He would have melted into the floor if Janus hadn’t put a hand on his shoulder and pulled him down to whisper to him.

“Why the hell did you let Roman get away with that?” Virgil is on his other side now with a scowl.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about JJ! I committed a very heinous crime!”

“Then why did Roman ask to borrow Janus’ key earlier?” Virgil asks, and Remus drops his smile to replace it with an annoyed look. 

“He just fucking asked for it!? I can’t even believe I’m related to that half-witted twit.”

“Yeah,” Virgil scoffs, “Not really the sharpest sword in the armoury, is he?”

“Please, we’ve known that for years. What I’d like to know is what are we going to do about it?” This quieted Remus, but made Virgil smirk a little. 

Janus continued, “After the backpack incident, and now the stealing incident, I’m half-convinced we have a brand new chaos demon in the group.”

“At least Remus’ chaos is fun sometimes,” Virgil mutters, “Roman’s just an ass.”

Remus gets away with being quiet as they talk until they get into Janus’ beat up old van. He doesn’t call shotgun, doesn’t slap the car's ‘ass’ as a joke, he just climbs into the back and sits there. He’s so quiet that Janus and Virgil are a little shell shocked. 

“Remus?” Virgil asks quietly and pensively, it sounds just like that soft tone Roman used with him last week. 

He’s quiet, Janus starts the car and clicks his tongue, “I’m going to shove Roman down a flight of stairs.”

“Don’t.” He manages, and the boys in the front seats go quiet. Virgil passes him the aux cord. 

He plays “Call Them Brothers” by Regina Spektor and Janus and Virgil know that tonight will be a very quiet outing. 

They’re sitting at IHOP drawing dicks on their pancakes in syrup when Remus’ phone rings. Janus and Virgil know who’s calling the second Remus sees the caller ID and smiles. 

“Evening Logie-Bear, why do I get the pleasure of hearing your devilishly sexy voice in this IHOP tonight?” Remus says and Janus groans loudly.

“You’re at IHOP?” Is the first thing Logan says, which makes Remus smile even brighter.

“Yes, sir! I’m with Virge and Janny too, you wanna say hi?” 

Logan sounds a bit contemplative when he mutters, “I was hoping you’d be alone...”

Eavesdropping Janus and Virgil make surprised faces, Remus smacks Janus in the arm, “Oh you were, were you? Why? Phone sex?”

“I wanted to ask for an opinion on a predicament.” Virgil smirks and Janus nabs his phone to speak for Remus.

“Remus would love to-Remus let me talk-You should come have some pancakes with us-Ow, watch the face!-and tell us all about how your science is going.” Janus can hear Logan hiding his laughter through the phone as Remus wrestles with him in the booth. 

“It’s more of a philosophical predicament.”

Janus nearly sees red, eyes widening and making Remus cackle,“Why in the world would you ask Remus Grimm about phi-”

It’s silent for a few moments then Logan hears a familiar voice. “It’s Virgil, we’re at the IHOP on 81st and Green.”

Logan laughs brightly, “I’ll be there. Order something for me.”

They spend the evening with breakfast for dinner, and the four get into a fairly heated friendly debate about moral ethics. Janus isn’t sure he’s ever had more fun in his life. When he’s driving away from Virgil to drop Remus off at home, he can’t help but smile at Remus’ improved demeanor. 

“Remus,” He starts after they’re alone, “I thought you and Roman were doing better, did something happen?”

“He tried to sabotage Logan twice for entirely selfish reasons, I wouldn’t care if he dies!” Remus dramatically cries.

“You and I both know that’s not true.”

They’re quiet the rest of the ride, and Janus gets out to give Remus a hug before he goes in. Remus ignores Roman’s questions about his whereabouts and locks himself in his room to try and keep his mood up. It doesn’t work, but he tries. He does. 

August 3rd - Roman gave me a “peace offering” in the form of lunch. I am led to believe he was attempting to give me food poisoning, as Remus ate the lunch and has now come down with food poisoning.

His mother leaves for her office in Paris on August 1st. Roman cries and hugs her, says he’ll miss her, goes on and on about how it’s so terrible how she’s never home. He does this every time their mother and father leave, he has since they were young. Remus couldn’t give less of a shit. His plan now was finding out what Roman’s next move was. Which was hard because they were back to avoiding each other like the plague. They’d spent a few months getting better at being brothers, then one of their parents shows up and ruins it. This time it was great, Remus would never admit it, but it was. Roman made an effort when their parents weren’t around, a few months ago he started doing things like making dinner for them both and bringing it to him, offering to do a load of laundry for him while he was doing it, being mindful of his volume when practicing his singing and acting, all these little things. 

He’d even started initiating physical contact again, which Remus couldn’t get enough of. Literally. An occasional pat on the back, a grab of his hand to pull him somewhere, a light slap to his knee or arm when he said something distasteful. Giving physical affection to Remus was something that seemed to be unique to Roman. It had always been like that when they were younger, and Remus didn’t think he wanted it to stop. Any time he thinks about it he always drifts back to his head against Roman’s knee a few weeks ago when Roman had carded a hand through his hair and then a few minutes later practically tackled him to douse him in perfume The shit smelled awful, but afterwards Roman had slung an arm over his shoulder and gave him a squeeze. That and the closeness with Logan kept him buzzing for the next two days. 

Now there was nothing again. It was like Roman could turn off his affection for Remus and pretend he didn’t exist. Remus tried not to be angry about it, he really did, but he couldn’t stop the fire that he felt when the other people on stage got his praises and affection. Both of them were incredibly clingy, but Roman was so much worse at hiding it and it made Remus nearly scream. He piled all of his affectionate behavior onto Logan, and Logan never really minded. He’d place his head on Logan’s shoulder, hold his hand on stage, sit pressed up against him offstage. He loved it, he did. He loved protecting Logan, talking to Logan, existing in the same space as the dork was exhilarating. He hated having to protect Logan from his brother. There was no way in hell that Remus would let anything terrible happen to Logan, but there was no way he would ever let his brother’s stupid selfish decisions fall back on him. He knows he shouldn’t give a single shit, but he does. 

His tiredness fades with his mother, but he’s still exhausted because Roman keeps trying to fuck with Logan when he knows damn well Remus won’t let him. The selfish ass. This time, Roman has the gall to pull his entire scheme in front of Remus. 

“Logan,” He starts, his affected air is slightly dim today and his hands are hidden, “To apologize for my unkind actions, I have brought a peace offering.” 

Roman hands Logan a little bag from a restaurant Remus swears he recognizes. 

“Oh, thank you.” Logan says quietly, opening the bag and pulling out a wrapped burger. 

Logan takes it out and inspects it as Remus wracks his brain trying to remember where he knows the packaging. It hits him right before Logan takes a bite. This burger is from the restaurant that gave Roman food poisoning a few months ago. It looks like the same burger too. At this point, Remus is half-convinced Roman is taunting him. He’s in a bit of a panic and doesn’t think before he snatches the burger and shoves it in his mouth.

“Remus!” Both call out, the wrapper is still on the end of the burger so he pulls it out then chews and swallows the thing whole. 

He coughs and sputters for almost two minutes after, then shoots Roman an awful glare. 

“What just happened?” Logan asks, extremely puzzled. 

Roman is gawking at Remus again, “Why did you eat that!?” 

“Fuck you that’s why, you horsefucking shiteating egomaniac bastard.”

Roman walks off in a huff, Remus lays on the floor. 

“Are you alright?” Logan questions, handing him a water bottle.

Maneuvering onto his side, Remus takes a sip and his throat feels miles better, “I just straight up ate a burger whole like a fucking snake, how do you think I am dipshit?”

“Hm,” He pauses to think, “Bad.” 

Both boys laugh, and Logan joins Remus on the ground.

“I am beginning to believe your brother has a vendetta against me.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

Logan pauses, looking at Remus who is still occasionally wheezing.

“Are you alright...emotionally?” Remus wheezes and laughs at the same time, sounding something similar to a goose. 

“‘Thought you didn’t know much about those, poindexter.”

“I do not. However, as your friend I feel like it’s important to ask.”

Remus just sighs, closes his eyes, and blows a raspberry at the ceiling.

“Me and Roman are complicated.”

“I can tell.” Remus laughs, Logan really is something else. 

It’s quiet when Remus asks, “Do you hate him?”

“No,” Logan’s response is measured and confident like he’s asked himself this question a hundred times, “I don’t hate him. I think he’s got some things to work out, and is taking out his frustration on me as of late.”

He keeps talking, Remus covers his closed eyes with his arm, “More importantly, do you hate him?”

He almost rockets to his feet when Logan says curiously, “Or, more interestingly, do you love him?”

It takes him nearly two and a half minutes sat up and sipping water, watching Logan pack his things, to muster up the will to tell the truth. 

“Of course I love him. Nobody else is gonna fucking do it.” 

He could barely comprehend Logan’s response to his admission so he shoved it out of his mind with all the force he could muster, then waved a goodbye to him when he parted and left Remus with his mind. 

He ends up going home early because his awful decision ended up actually giving him food poisoning. He takes a sick day the next day, and spends most of the time feeling like shit physically and emotionally. His brain has kept tabs on all the shitty feelings and thoughts he’s had and is now playing out a full length shitty horror movie about his life and his dumb brother and his shitty summer crush. Then there’s that conversation with Logan. The last sentence is running through him over and over again. He keeps coming back to it, though he’s sure Logan didn’t even mean anything by it. Seventeen words and his world was sent spinning. 

“Ah, I understand, it’s hard to love somebody when they don’t act like they love you back.” 

Logan doesn’t even know the half of it. 

August 20th - Roman asked me directly to leave the production. Though I admire the effort, all it achieved was a quite awful night, and an angry lecture(?) of sorts from Janus. I do not believe Roman will be trying this tactic ever again.

Roman tries to apologize multiple times, but something angry and petty in Remus doesn’t accept any of them. They’re both getting more and more frustrated by the minute. By the time the thirteenth of August rolls around they aren’t on speaking terms again and everyone can tell that it’s taking its toll on them both. Remus acts out more than usual against people he doesn’t usually target. He scared an ensemble girl one too many times, to the point where she ended up slapping him. He deserved it, but it still stung. Roman poured himself into his role more than ever, but it only ended up stressing him out even more than usual. When his voice so much as wavered on stage it shattered his confidence. 

It affected their friends as well. Roman spent more time with Patton and Emile, avoiding Remus and Janus as much as he could possibly manage. Janus rolled his eyes but just resigned himself to the tech booth with Virgil, Remus, and Logan. The only good thing that was happening lately was Janus’ newfound attachment to Logan. The pair's insane intelligence and love of debate meant one was nearly guaranteed every other time they were in the same room. It was exhilarating to watch, and probably exhilarating to take part in. Remus didn’t much care for debates, but watching Janus and Logan go at each other with an occasional snarky comment or new suggestion from Virgil was making him grow a fondness for them. At this point there was barely anybody in the theatre who didn’t adore Logan.

The staff, the cast, the tech. Everyone adored him. He was smart, diligent, and hard-working. He asked questions, didn’t undermine others, and respected the entire cast's talent at what they did. It was magical to watch everyone in the auditorium drift under Logan’s thumb. Remus was included. They were saving Say No To This until near last because of the lack of dancing involved, but it didn’t even matter. Say No To This was not needed in Remus’ seduction plan because Logan seemed to gravitate towards him with ease. He is a damn good friend and Remus is determined to make that boy his bride. 

Despite his growing lack of sleep and reliance on caffeine, Remus is skating by just fine without anything bad happening. Until his brother decides to fuck with his life again. He’s on the thin line between being shitty in secret and full-on breakdown, Roman really isn’t helping his case. Remus is lounging on the floor while Logan reads in a chair next to the makeup mirrors. He hears someone enter, but isn’t bothered enough to move. 

Ever the polite, Logan greets the newcomer “Ah, Hello Roman, how are you?”

“I need to ask you something.” His brother asks, and Remus turns his head away from the noise. 

“Alright, what is it?” Logan sounds so measured and calm.

There is a long pause, “What is it going to take for you to realize you should quit?”

The calmness in Logan’s voice wavers, and Remus can hear it wobble, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me! I mean, it’s obvious I've been trying to get you to leave, so what’s been keeping you!?” Roman raises his voice near instantly, that same childish selfishness burns from his tongue. 

“It is none of your business.” There’s a dignified fire raging under his voice now, it’s like he’s been practicing for this. 

“You’re not even a good actor! From what I can tell, you’re entirely uninteresting and way too intellectual to be here!” Roman continues, Remus feels the urge to get up but he can’t find the will to move. 

“Roman, please think before you say something you regret.” Remus knows what Roman is going to say before it happens.

“No!” His brother is so typical, “You have no idea what this role means to me, why can’t you just leave!?”

That’s typical too, Remus opens his eyes and looks at the pair. Logan looks pissed off, Roman looks pissed off, and Janus is watching from the doorway. 

“I try very hard to give you the benefit of the doubt in regards to your debilitating egomania, but it is beginning to appear as if your whole sense of stability and purpose is built upon some false reality where you need to be the star at every possible moment. Go to therapy about it, and leave me alone.” Logan spits this in Roman’s face, then turns back to his book. 

Clenching his fists and staring at the ground, Roman looks almost defeated until he catches Remus staring and his face morphs into something so bitter he has to force himself to look away. 

“No. I will not leave you alone until I get this part. None of you have any idea how much I need it.” 

“Roman-” Janus speaks up daringly from his spot by the door, his tone is enough to warn him to stand down. 

Roman’s eyes are squeezed shut, his fists are clenched, “I know we have the same face, but I’m not a failure like my brother.”

That sends Remus to his feet and out the door before anyone can say a word. As he passes Janus on the way out Janus tries to stop him but he pushes past him, past everyone, and out the front door of the theatre. 

Janus turns on Roman in an instant, walking slowly into the room and shutting the door with purpose. Roman’s eyes are sewed shut and all the guilt he tries to push down floods him when he makes eye contact with his pissed off friend. 

“Roman, we need to have a talk.” 

[danoo219]

Please keep fighting.

I was watching The Umbrella academy a few days back and they time traveled back into the 60’s where black people were still considered an anomaly and were treated like disrespect with separate salons and restaurants. They had just started to fight for equal rights and whatnot.

It’s a fictional tv show so I really don’t know the accuracy of how the historical events took place but nonetheless it was a very sad sight to see.

Jumping here to 2020, things haven’t really changed. They may have gotten a bit better but black people are still looked at and treated in a terrible way. I have not had much interaction with black people but I have friends and as sad as that is, if you put me in a room full of black people, I would be uncomfortable. It’s not because im racist, I’m not. I wouldn’t dare.

I have friends who are black but there is a very fine division between black and white people unfortunately.

I wish I had more exposure with them because no matter how hard I try I think this division will stay. It’s not that I’m afraid of black people, the world has just portrayed them as evil beings who will hurt you if you approach them. That’s not true, AT ALL. White privilege takes advantage of the lack of positive reinforcements about black people and treats them like animals. I came across this article and it just broke my heart.

https://medium.com/history-of-yesterday/the-black-boy-who-was-showcased-in-a-zoo-cage-8a61d9048177

How can one lock up a child in a cage. The people who are doing this are the animals, not the people inside the cage.

It’s taken me awhile to talk about all of this since I am not one to get involved in and write about current events.

George Floyd isn’t the only one who was murdered because of the color of his skin.

Breonna Taylor, Shukri Yahye-Abdi, these 2 are just the tip of the iceberg. 100’s of murders of black people go unreported every year.

Shame on mankind, nothing has changed since the 60’s. We’re at that standstill and clearly refuse to change because we’re so set in our ruthless ways.

It seems like ‘The Black Lives Matter’ movement is an endless cycle that can never stop because things do settle down for a while but a few months later, another incident takes place and we’re back to square one.

This has been happening for decades and it’s their constant struggle which brown and white skinned people will never be able to understand. That’s just the harsh reality of things.

All I can do to conclude this topic from my side is to say that it’s an endless fight for you and I wish it wasn’t like this but it is.

Be strong but cry when you need to, be angry but in a subtle way in the privacy of your own home, be happy but don’t jump around with happiness on the streets, the people who refuse to accept you as humans with equal rights might think you’re about to do something to harm them. How sad is it to live in a world full of fear.

Some of you might not believe in God but I’m sure He’s given you alternative reality where you, the black people are the ones who hold the power and the peace of the world.

I’m sorry that you have to spend your life in fear of being shot at any time of day even in the comfort of your own homes. There will be a day where the racists of the world will suffer as you suffer when things like these happen to you, maybe not in the same way but what you give does eventually comes back to haunt you. I may not be able to support you directly but my heart does go out to every black person who deals with such tragedy.

Do not give up hope, keep fighting and maybe in another decade or so things will get better for you.

I have said all I needed to stay but remember, let hope be your driving force.

[theincompetentgenius]

hi ! could i request a life generator for ikerev please ? im v shy when i first meet people but v outgoing once we’re friends! i have a great sense of humour n im generally quite sarcastic ppl can never tell if i mean what im saying. im v protective n affectionate of ppl im close to & i absolutely adore sweets & animals ! my friends say im vv smart bc i never study and get good grades. i like learning new languages & i pick skills up v quickly ! in my free time i prefer to spend time alone (1)

Omg I’m SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG. I wanted to give this one some time so that it didn’t feel rushed but I never found the perfect time to start. So I hope this was good enough!

Thank you for your interest in the world of Dangerous Fellows. You will be reborn shortly. The simulation will start in 3…….. 2…… 1……..

B A C K G R O U N D

You stood in front of the mirror, placing the gold graduation cap on your head. It was a bittersweet moment-- you were happy to leave college, but you would miss the experiences that came with it.

At 22 years old, you held a 3.9 GPA while taking the most challenging courses and leading some of the most successful clubs at a high-tier university. Despite all your responsibilities, you managed to read your favorite books and watch the best television shows. In the end, you always balanced your time to get the most for the least amount of time.  But it would all come to an end today because you were going to graduate.

You left your dorm, calling you family to let them know that you were on your way to meet them. They were ecstatic to see you after four years of separation (despite meetings during breaks). Suddenly, a small white rabbit trotted down your path. It limped. Something tugged at your chest as you watched the rabbit stumble through the grass. Although it was injured, it wouldn’t stop running towards the flower field. It clearly wanted to be there.

“Don’t strain yourself. I’ll help you.” You scooped the rabbit in the palm of your hands and walked to the field. The rabbit squeaked, but you assumed it was aimless chatter.

Once you arrived at the flower bed, you placed the rabbit onto the grass.

“Goodbye, I hope you find your way.”

Its beady eyes followed as you stepped in the direction you had come from. As you walked, your foot collided with a large rock. You fell over as all your weight had been shifted to the injured leg. Although you braced yourself for the soft grass, your body never hit the ground. Instead, the wind rushed to your face and your hair flew in different directions. Once you opened your eyes, you realized that you were falling from the sky.

F R I E N D

Kyle Ash

The next set of events all happened in a blur. You landed in the arms of the Black Army King, somehow encountered and angered the red army, found out that you held magic-repellant properties, and were stuck here until the next full moon. Currently, you were wondering in the middle of a dimly-lit alleyway. It was a lot to take in.

However, you had injured your foot. It seemed that the rabbit had transferred his limp over to you, making you wonder if you could’ve avoided the whole mess if you had ignored the rabbit. You stomped your foot to assess the pain. All was well until a painful tingle crawled up your toes. The sudden pain caused you to stumble. It wasn’t terrible, but you hadn’t expected it to hurt that much.

“You alright there?”

You hopped around, trying to keep your toes in the air. The 7 of Hearts, Kyle Ash, stood at the ends of the alleyway.

“Yeah, I’m good,” You waved him off. But your hopping and pained smile gave it away.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to drag you to the Red Army. I just want to see your injury and make sure it’s nothing too serious.”

“I don’t have any reason to be suspicious of you. It’s not like the King, Queen, and Jack of the Red Army were trying to cut my head off earlier.”

Kyle shrugged. “That’s their duty. But my duty as the doctor is to ensure that everyone is safe and healthy. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from.”

After a moment of debating in your head, you realize that it would be difficult to continue walking with your pained toes. You peel off your shoes. The toes were swollen with large bumps of redness. Kyle stepped closer, inspecting the shape of each toe. You were uncomfortable with his closeness, but he didn’t notice.

“You have some bruising, but nothing seems broken. However, you can come with me to the Red Army to get that double-checked.”

“No thanks, I’m good.”

Other friends: Fenrir Godspeed, Zero

L O V E R

Edgar Bright

As you limped around the street, you realized that you needed a permanent place to stay. Your instinct was to find the Black Army. Ever since you arrived, they had been extremely kind and supportive of you. Besides, their protection ensured that the Red Army wouldn’t be able to harm you. You wandered around, looking for anyone who could guide you to the Black Army, but the streets were empty. Only the rustling trees kept you company.

“You look a little lost,” A soft voice spoke.

You jumped and turned around. It was the Jack of Hearts, who was probably trying to kidnap you. You thought about running, but your bruised toes pulsed in pain, reminding you that you were in no position to run.

He took a step closer. His right hand was stretched outwards while his left hand gripped his crested sword. The moonlight illuminated half of his face in a soft glow, while the other half was engulfed by the shadows of the night. Although there was a smile on his face, there was something wrong with it. Angelic but sinister.

“Do you need some help? I can show you the way back,” Edgar said.

You decided to talk. There was nothing else you could do but delay the inevitable.

“Actually, I do. Would you mind reopening the portal to another universe and send me back home? That way you guys don’t have to worry about me destroying the Red Army and I won’t have to worry about an army trying to kill me.”

“Is that how you got here Alice? Well, I suppose I could see if the King of Hearts could arrange that. Although we could provide you with a place to stay for the time being.”

You looked around. Although you couldn’t see anything, you were sure that there were soldiers stationed at every corner. It was the only thing keeping you from limping your way out of the town.

“Right. As if you guys aren’t going to lock me in a dungeon and torture me.”

Edgar’s smile widens. “I can’t guarantee that.”

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

F A T E

After Edgar brought you into the Red Army, you tried to run away twice. However, it was none other than Edgar himself who had caught you each time. While he never told anyone about your attempts, you were always worried that he’d tell someone. So you’d try your best to appear as likable towards him as possible. But as time went on, your facade turned into a genuine friendship and romantic feelings.

You ended up working with Kyle at the infirmary. Your sharp skills and quick thinking made you a perfect candidate for helping out the Red Army’s doctor (although Edgar thought you would make an excellent swordswoman). At first, it was difficult dealing with the goriness, but you learned to adapt to stressful situations. With practice and time, you became known for your work as Kyle’s assistant.

When the full moon came around, you were placed with a difficult decision. Although you had grown to love the Cradle, you know that the real world had endless opportunities for you. You hadn’t worked so hard to be the best student at your college just to throw it away for a few magical men, so you asked the Red Army to send you back. Edgar decided to escort you there as his final goodbye.

As you stood in front of the portal, your old memories rushed back to you. Laughter with your friends, smiles with your family, and the excitement of your upcoming graduation. But when you turned back to say goodbye to Edgar, your mouth wouldn’t open. There were just as many wonderful memories with him. If you turned your back on him, this would be the end of it all.

So you turned around and ran towards Edgar. You wrapped him in your arms and felt tears rush down your face. The feeling was bittersweet, but you had made up your mind.

You were going to stay.

[flamingo-writes]

Your Hands Only — Levi Ackerman x Reader

Multipart — [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10: soon] [Index]

Summary: It all happened too fast, and in a single second, things changed drastically. So drastically, nothing was ever going to be the same after this. 

Word Count: 2.7K

A/N: Once again I have many things to say. So, different bullets.

Trivia: this was one of the first chapters that I wrote for this story. I’ve been waiting weeks to finally post this. 

More trivia: I wrote this while I was listening to Call of Silence (from aot’s soundrack) on repeat, so, for a more complete experience, listen to it while reading this. 

Im sorry to announce that this story has been on a 2 year hiatus, however, I have the full intention of rewriting this as my writing has impoved a lot in the last two years, and finish the story as well. Sorry for the inconvenience. Also I'm sorry this had to be the last chapter to be posted

Warnings: blood, angst, death. 

Titans were humans. All titans came from humans. And to think such horrible creatures had driven humanity into the edge of extinction.

How did this happen?

Maybe the Royal Family was behind it all. There had been way too many coincidences linking the existence of titans to the Royal family. It all smelled pretty bad. And the chain of events that would take place after that, also ended up pretty bad.

After carrying out some experiments on the titan boy, Eren. Levi knew the government was after this boy along with a girl named Historia. Not long after that, Eren along with another one of the recruits were kidnapped, and then the infamous Kenny made a dramatic entrance; and that’s when hell broke loose.

As you tried to gather with everyone else to escape, bullets rained your way.  

Your heart was beating hard in your ears, as you prayed to anyone who was listening to keep you safe from the bullets raining towards your general direction. Your steps were long, as your lungs felt like they were on fire, and your hand was tightly holding on to Pascal’s. You were running shoulder to shoulder, hoping to make it out alive, at least until the closest wall so you could protect yourself from the bullets and buy you even a couple of seconds.

Your hand was pulled, making your heart stop as you turned around, looking at Pascal as he slowly fell to the ground, his face blank. You opened your mouth to yell deafeningly as adrenaline kicked into your gut stronger than before and you managed to pull Pascal to your arms and carried him.

He was still young, barely 15, and was a generally thin yet healthy kid, so he wasn’t heavy enough to significantly slow you down. The sudden adrenaline boost made you keep running, not realising Levi appeared behind you, dodging the bullets, running towards the guy who was following you and Pascal.

As soon as you realised this, Levi had already sliced the guy’s head off. You kneeled, gently placing Pascal on the ground.

The horror of his eyes carved a whole in your stomach, as you quickly looked down at his wound, placing your hands on his chest, stopping the bleeding, pressing tightly against it.

“You’re going to be okay, kiddo” You said. “Stay with me, Pascal. For fucks sake, stay with me”

He looked at you, as he tried his best to nod, flinching due to his pain. As he breathed you heard a hiss coming out of his mouth whenever he tried to inhale, giving you away a terrible symptom. His lungs were crushing.

“It hurts” You managed to whisper.

“I know it does, baby” You said brushing his hair away from his face. “But you’re going to be fine, everything is going to be fine”

Levi walked towards you, looking at the scene, feeling how his heart began to squeeze slowly. He knew what Pascal meant to you, and he knew how much you meant to the boy. He recalled the bitter memory from when you found your mother dead on the kitchen floor. This was slightly worse for you, since Pascal was breathing his last right before you. Something similar to what Levi lived with your mother.

“I’m scared” Pascal cried, holding on tightly to your wrist, as tears finally fell from your eyes like heavy rain.

“I am too, to be honest. But hey, you’ll be alright. Trust me, kiddo. You will, I promise” You sobbed.

“I love you” He muttered, squeezing your wrist it was almost painful.

“I love you too, kid” You mouthed back at him as he closed his eyes moaning in pain. “Pascal, stay with me!” You said, not knowing what to do. You didn’t have any of your equipment with you, you couldn’t do anything but to keep him from bleeding to death, but not even that could do something, anything against his failing lungs. “Pascal! Don’t you dare leave me, kid. I’ll fucking kill you if you die on me, you hear me?” You yelled angrily, knowing it was useless, still refusing to actually believe it. “Please, kiddo. Please, please, don’t leave me” His grip began to loosen up around your wrist. “No! Pascal” Your voice broke, as tears blurred your sight, making it impossible to see anything. “Pascal. I-I’m so sorry” You cried, leaning towards him, resting your forehead against his chest, breaking down into tears, crying loudly. “I’m so sorry, kid. I-I love you, Pascal” You whined.

“Y/N, we have to go” Levi said walking towards you. “Now”

“I can’t leave him” You whispered between silent sobs.

The whole team gathered around you watching the sad scene, realising at once what had happened to the young boy.

“Y/N, now!” Levi demanded, but you couldn’t hear him over the sound of your heartbeat beating painfully, filling you up with regret.

It was hard for Levi to see you like this, but time was running out. He didn’t have much option but to kneel next to you, wrapping his arms around your torso.

“We must go, I’m not repeating myself again” He said, as you objected, trying to break free from his firm grip, but it was useless. He hugged you tightly, making you stand up, and without thinking it twice, he aimed his ODM gear towards the closest tall building, jumping and taking you with him.

“No! Pascal! I can’t leave him!” You cried, looking back at the boy’s corpse getting further and further away. “I can’t leave him. I-I can’t” You kept crying, as Levi’s heart squeezed from hearing your pain. “I can’t leave him. He needs me”

“He’s gone” Levi answered harshly, hurting himself as much as he hurt you with his words.

“N-no. I-I promised him he’d be alright” you said clinging to Levi. “I promised him” You whispered, feeling like the lump in your throat was asphyxiating you. “I promised Pascal”

Levi’s chest hurt. He did care for the kid. His death, as well as seen you heartbroken made him sore. Worst of it all, making him feel slightly guilty. You cried with our face next to his neck, feeling like you’d just had your heart ripped out of your chest. The pain seemed to get worse as the distance between Pascal and you grew longer.

*

You hid in the woods, inside a small house hidden among the trees. Everyone was generally quiet, knowing you were mourning, and also knowing the boy’s death had also affected Levi, however, he was better at keeping his composure.

You lit a candle for Pascal, and you’d been staring at it, sitting on the small living room, as everyone else gathered in the kitchen table.

“Y/N” Levi called you, walking towards the living room, as you stared attentively at the white candle being slowly consumed. “Dinner’s ready” You didn’t give any sign of hearing him, not a single nod, not a single sound. “Y/N, did you not hear what I just said?”

“Is this how you felt when you found my mother?” Was everything you said. And it made Levi feel like he’d been kicked in the stomach. “Someone you really cared for, dying right before your eyes. Is this how it feels like?”  Your voice was barely audible.

“I’ve been in that same situations several times now…” Levi answered recalling each one of those haunting memories.

“I haven’t” You snapped coldly. “My mom was already dead when I found her. Pascal died right before my eyes…”

“Stop torturing yourself” Levi bellowed “Instead of thinking about the loss, think about what you did. You gave the boy a new start. A roof, a full belly, an education, you gave Pascal a family” For the first time he raised his voice at you, clearly not amused. You were as surprised at this as everyone else, as everyone’s stares were on you two. “Sure, his life was short, but it was a good life. He could’ve also died an orphan from starvation or something worse. You saved his life once. We cannot save every life in danger, do you understand that?”

“I’m a doctor, of course I know that. I am not naive, Levi. It’s just…” You stopped, as tears filled your eyes again. “I’ve seen my family being taken away from me, not once, but twice. I’m beginning to think that maybe I am cursed...What if one of these days I lose you too? I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle that much pain” Your words carved Levi’s skull, it wasn’t just Pascal’s death, but the fear of losing him too. Now he knew why it had affected you so much.

“Nothing will happen to me, Y/N. Don’t be an idiot” Levi responded.

“You don’t know that” You said cleaning your tears with your sleeve, waiting for Levi’s response, but it never happened. “I’m not hungry, thanks” You continued to stare at the candle, hoping that Levi would leave.

“Y/N” He whispered, but you didn’t answer, nor looked at him. “For fucks sake, look at me when I’m talking to you, brat”

Reluctantly you looked at him, your eyes red, tired, mirroring every piece of your shattered heart. Levi extended his hand towards you without saying a single thing. You hesitated at first, but knowing you couldn’t stay mad at him, you grabbed his hand, as he helped you to stand up, and immediately wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly. Feeling his arms tightly embracing you made your eyes get teary at once, and without any sort of warning, you broke down crying against his shoulder. You sobbed with your face between his neck and shoulder, not being able to control yourself. That hug was the little push you needed to really pour out your feelings. That hug was everything you wanted at the moment. Specially coming from him.

The rest of the team watched, feeling sorry for you, and feeling generally bad for witnessing such a sad moment.

Levi brushed your hair and kissed your head as he kept holding you. After several minutes he broke the hug, and cupped your face in his hands, wiping away the tears.

“Pascal meant a lot to me too, and sure, it hurts. But we have to keep moving forward” Levi said breaking the hug and cupping your face in his hands. “Keep your shit together, because from now, it will only get harsher and worse. But in the end, things will get better”

“You don’t know that for a fact” You chuckled bitterly. “Just let me mourn in peace, just a couple of days...I don’t need more…” Your gaze moved away from Levi’s as you felt bad just by staring at him. 

He was trying to pick up your pieces, and yet you were keeping him from doing so. But you were right, you needed time to mourn Pascal’s death. He’d been with you for seven years. It wasn’t much if you thought about it, but you had seen him grow into someone with potential, and that was already too much.

“Look” Levi sighed deeply “Listen to me when I tell you things will get better. Pascal’s gone, but it’s still not over yet. The best we can do is make his death be worthwhile. So, stay strong, for him, and aim for what you want to achieve, and what he would’ve wanted you to achieve. Don’t let his death be meaningless”

“So what now? We fight?” You whispered breathlessly.

“If we must”

“Then what?”

“We’ll see the sunrise. And it’ll be a different dawn” Levi murmured gently, almost like a soft purr.

Redemption...you thought, as your eyes got teary again, and sobbed.

“I miss him already” You sobbed, closing your eyes.

“I do too, Y/N. Listen to me, things are going to be better, I promise” Levi was getting tired of it all. More than Pascal’s death, was your entire attitude towards the situation.

Sure, he had more experience with death. Many people close to him had died, especially in emergency matters where you can’t stop and mourn, and you’re forced to get on your feet as soon as you fall down.

“How can you promise something like that?”

“It’s going to be hard to keep it, but I will. Once this is over, we can start all over again, you and me...”

The entire team was keeping silence. It was incredibly awkward for them all, but all of them knew they’d be killed right there if any dared to interrupt this complicated moment. Everyone was hearing everything, and each one of them were gawking, not believing they were witnessing Levi’s softer side. Clearly, a side he only showed you. Right now, you were the priority in Levi’s mind, so he didn’t care that everyone was watching. As long as you were okay, he’d feel more at peace with himself and that was important to keep the integrity of the plan intact.

Hange particularly, who’d known Levi for the longest time compared to everyone else. She was first amazed when she found out Levi was capable of falling in love. Her cold stone friend looked so different, starting with the way he was staring at you. Hange had never seen Levi stare at anyone like that.

“Are you even listening to yourself?” You asked Levi upon hearing his declaration.

“Yes, and I mean every word of it” He answered firmly, his eyes glued to yours.

“You don’t know if you’ll regret saying this someday” You chuckled.

“There’s no point in regretting your decision. The best thing you can do is deal with the present, whatever the outcome is. So trust me, no regrets”

“I love you, Levi” You hugged him, burying your face in his shoulder, as he hugged you back briefly, brushing your hair.

“I love you too” Levi said. “Let’s get you to bed, you need to sleep”

“Thank you” You walked towards the only room in the small house, and once inside, you sat on the bed and took off your boots. “Levi”

Levi hummed in response.

“Please don’t put out Pascal’s candle. Let it consume. It’s important to me”

“I won’t. Don’t worry” He said kissing your forehead. “Sleep. I’ll join you in a while”

“Goodnight” You said lying on the bed, not bothering to pull the covers on top of you, and buried your face on the pillow at once, the flashbacks hitting your closed eyes carving your chest.

“Goodnight, Y/N” Levi said turning off the light and closing the door behind him.

Everyone else had finished their dinner, and everyone looked at Levi as he went back to the living room. Levi was aware of it all, but decided to give it no relevance and sit on the free chair in front of Hange.

“I’ll have to head back soon” She said. “D’you mind giving me a minute with Levi?” Hange looked at everyone on the table, as they nodded.

“Wash your dishes” Levi commanded as everyone grabbed their respective glasses and dish and went back to the kitchen.

They murmured softly as they made their way to the kitchen, deciding who’d was all the dishes.

Hange waited for everyone else to leave, as Levi ate his dinner silently. Once they were left alone, she broke the silence.

“I’m sorry about the kid”

Levi looked at her straight in the eye stoically.

“What you said...just now to Y/N”

“What about it?”

“That was very sweet of you to say...about starting a life toge…”

“I’m not as insensitive as you all think I am” Levi cut her off with his usual monotone voice “I am cold, yes. But I have feelings too, you know?”

“I know. I’m just surprised” She sighed. “You love her that much, don’t you?”

“Wasn’t it obvious just now?”

“I’m happy for you, Levi. I really am” Hange said softly, staring into her friend’s eyes.

Hange was very expressive. Specially those huge eyes of hers. And from meeting her stare, Levi could actually feel how Hange felt. And she was telling the truth. Levi felt warm inside, and felt grateful. They stare into each other silently.

“Thank you” Levi finally answered.

~

don’t kill me pls

Tags:  Tags:  @crazyliraz, @simplysushii, @inthefleshme, @brvakout,  @jadav5, @animemanicsp​ @foolsettherulesinthisworld​ @shadow-wolf2

[mozukumi]

WHAT pokemon fic are u doing??? Can u tell us anything abt it??? :000

hello, anon? whoever you are, legitimately, thank you so much, this means so much to me. hell YES i can.

Short summary statement: A fic covering a season where May and Drew both go to Sinnoh to do a season of coordinating there. Drew experiences some pretty terrible Gifted Kid Burnout here, and has to cope and learn from that. May is having an excellent season, but is worried for her friend and wants to help however she can. She also wants to understand if what she’s feeling for him is romantic, or if the fact that tabloids have been reporting on their “romance” is just pressuring her.

The primary focus of the fic is a critic of how coordinating world and the press treat the children, which is unhealthy and hurtful. It’s a broader critique about how a lot of pokemon fanfics go as well - I see a lot of times the “oh wow the media thinks we’re a couple!” used as a plot device, but it’s only ever just that. How that might… effect them is never covered. We don’t really have a lot to go off of in canon, but judging by the one scene where all of these adults keep showing their merchandise of Drew (who is clearly uncomfortable with all of this), I’m making what I think aren’t crazy leaps.

There are also some multi-media elements - basically Ch@tot (pokemon twitter) chats and Rotomblr (pokemon tumblr) posts about all of the events that are happening so we’re able to see the public reactions and get different perspectives on them.

The romance thing is also crucial for me - spoiler alert, they are going to end up together, but that’s… only going to happen basically after they flee all media attention aftet the season is over and just chill for a while and see how they feel. I’ve had an experience in my life where people kept “shipping me” with a real dude, and that’s a whole other thing, but I can attest that it’s not great, so I want to dip into that.

a bonus exerpt to finish off the first segment

“Well, everybody wants to know if you two lovebirds are together, so I HAD to at least ask-” He laughs, as if they’re close friends just bantering. It makes her blood boil.

“No you didn’t. You didn’t have to ask about a sixteen year olds love life! You just chose to!” And she knows she shouldn’t interrupt - that’s a rule that’s been drilled in since day one. It’ll reflect poorly on her, people won’t like her. But he’s being such a bastard, she couldn’t control it. The camera’s keep flashing.

“… and with you already having five ribbons so early, compared to Drew’s single ribbon and a pathetic season, I wondered if that would cause tension between you two.”

Her heart pounds against her chest. She seethes with anger, any attempts to hide it dismantled. The flashing is now blinding, and with horror it dawns on her:

This is their story now.

May Maple is a Total Bitch In Her Interview: Does Drew Even Want Her Anymore? A throwaway line in the article mentions her achievements. Pictures of her snarling will grace every TV screen. This will be all they talk about.

This was… all they were going to be talking about. Not Drew!  He’d finally be getting a break from the media circus, which he so desperately needed. But this was going to be pretty brutal for herself. How was she going to turn this around?

MORE DETAILS UNDER THE CUT! IF U TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS OR ASK ME ABOUT THIS I WILL CRY THIS IS SO NICE 

contestshipping (may and drew from the pokemon anime) has always been a very special ship for me, ever since i was younger. the way i think about them a lot has changed (notably thinking of them as more dimensional, and also examining some of the Het-ness for lack of a better words), but they still mean a lot to me!

May and Drew have always been characters I’ve projected onto a lot (for example, I HC them both as having ADHD, even though Drew doesn’t really.. have the typical symptoms. it’s my free real estate!) One of the most common projection… daydreams, I guess, involves my own experiences with Gifted Kid Burnout, which I usually project onto Drew. I feel like May has had a lot of tribulations which have taught her to perservere, but from all we’ve seen, Drew is basically a prodigy.

HOWEVER, we do know that he  didn’t handle losing his first contest well. I’m basically just deciding that he doesn’t handle failure very well.

Combined with the fact that canonically he is seen as a media personality, and again, canonically he… doesn’t want to be, makes me think that a year that doesn’t go so hot could be reallly lucrative to the press. They run a lot of stories about him - is he the real deal? is he destined to fade out into nothingness?? and then all of this pressure makes him even more nervous and it just compounds.

Drew being in the hotseat also gives them reason to bring up the whole Are Drew And May Dating thing! their rivalry/friendship is pretty well known, and like. they definitely have a lot of ppl on rotomblr and ch@tot (im so sorry but i am legally required to use these dumb names) Shipping them (their name is Dray, bc in universe it couldn’t be contest shipping. i despise it.)

This is very uncomfortable for both of them. Drew knows at this point that he likes her, but he doesn’t think it’s mutual and he wouldn’t even know where to start with trying. He’s happy as things are. May is still trying to figure out how she feels and what she wants, but this is obviously a roadblock. This is also frustrating because she - an aspiring journalist - is angered not only by the actual situation she’s in ,but also from a writing ethics perspective.

The antagonizing force in this fic is The Media, scary capitalized. It isn’t between either of them and their dynamic. At no point do I want the issue to be that they aren’t communicating properly or anything - Drew at no point is jealous that May is doing so much better then him. He’s just very proud and happy for her. 

OKAY I THINK THAT’S IT FOR NOW!!! anon i owe u my life

[holycalum]

vice (c.h.) part 3!!

summary- (y/n) has another #breakdown but like ACTUALLY this time she goes home just read it 

part 1 part 2 part 4

word count- 3.6k+

a/n- im terrible at summaries i figure if ur reading this far you don’t care you just wanna know what happens ya dig? also i appreciate all the love and support for this fic so much?? because i really thought this would flop but im so happy people are enjoying it. vice is literally my baby rn and i’ve put a lot of effort into it, and to see it pay off is grand ok goodbye. “fuck yeah,” i slurred, holding up my red cup in triumph. “midterms are hashtag over.” i slumped into britt, and she groaned, trying to push me off of her.  

“you’re too drunk,” she yelled over the thumping music. “your flights early tomorrow.”

“don’t care,” i smiled, dancing again. but britt’s word cut through my drunk thoughts moments later, and traveled straight to the gut. i might as well have doubled over because of the sinking feeling in my stomach. i had to go home the next day, and i didn’t want to in the slightest. the remix playing was drowned out as i stopped dancing abruptly, and got stuck in my head. the dark cloud that was rarely over my head anymore came crashing back, and i didn’t have calum to distract me. i had pushed the idea of me leaving college a semester early to kick start my life the back of my head, letting myself get lost in my studies for once, and calum. the second one was really the kicker. i pushed my way through the crowd, suddenly feeling very queasy. i stumbled throughout the unfamiliar house. miraculously i found a bathroom, and practically threw myself into it. i locked the door behind me, and fell to the floor. the cool tile soothed my burning skin, and i felt like i was human again. i crawled over the the toilet, head spinning. 

as i gripped the disgusting bowl and willed myself to throw up, i couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. but that was only the calm before the storm, because soon enough the dark cloud above my head stormed onto me. i cried so hard i gagged, and couldn’t catch my breath. my heart felt shriveled up and small and dead.

i had never been the drunk girl to have a complete meltdown, but i couldn’t stop the emotions from shooting out of every pore in my body. i felt like i was one big sad blob, and i physically couldn’t stop myself from getting drenched in the waters from my dark cloud. 

my crisis was interrupted by a knock at the door, i prayed it was a nice drunk girl that would braid my hair and tell me i’m pretty so i’d stop crying. but when i unlocked the door, calum’s eyes met mine and i cried even harder. i leaned against the cabinets, face in my hands, not wanting calum to see me at all, i wanted to disappear. 

it was funny, in the moments i wanted to be alone with my thoughts the most, calum always seemed to show up. 

“no, no, no,” calum’s words came out frantic, as he kneeled down in front of me and pulled my hands away from my face. the look of panic on his face sent my head spinning. 

“what’s wrong, pretty girl?” his nickname pulled at my heart strings and only made the knot in my stomach grown tighter. 

i couldn’t catch my breath enough to get any words out, so i sat there blubbering like a toddler, looking down, only for calum to tilt my head back up. 

“hey,” he cooed, shutting and locking the bathroom door once again, this time not leaving me alone. he sat against the door, and pulled me to his lap. “let’s just calm down and then we can talk, ok?” he said softly into my hair. i nodded against his leather jacket, trying to take deep breaths. even though i hated being so broken in front of calum, i couldn’t help but cling onto him like my life depended on it. the contact between us grounded me. 

every once in a while a sob would break through my breathing, causing calum to tense up and hold me tighter for a second, before going back to rubbing slow circles on my back. 

once i brought myself back down to earth, i pulled away from his chest, the world around me tilted in all directions. “i don’t wanna go home,” i cried, my words making tears well back up in my eyes. calum’s face was full of guilt as he stared into my bloodshot eyes.

“hey,” he shushed me, wiping under my eyes. he’d need a whole box of tissues to dry my cheeks, “it’s ok, just go slow.” 

“i wanna fall in love, cal.” i admitted, not being able to control the thoughts involuntarily pouring out of my mouth. “i want it all-but i cant have it. they took it from me. i don’t wanna go back.” a lump in my throat sprouted from deep within me, threatening to send me into another crying fit. 

i could see his eyes go glassy, “no,” i begged, “don’t cry.”

“m’ sorry,” he chuckled weakly, reaching up to wipe his own eyes. “going soft, sorry, continue.” another sob wracked through my chest at his state. i leaned my forehead against his chest, letting another cry out. 

“i’m hurting everyone around me,” i said sadly, “i don’t wanna hurt you anymore.” it became crystal clear that everyone was only calum. 

“but it’s so worth it, doll.” he whispered sweetly, smoothing the hairs around my ear. “you’re my sunshine, at the same time. what a contradiction you’ve proven to be.” it almost didn’t make sense. 

i settled against his chest, finally feeling a bit calmer. “an’ i know you’re really drunk right now, so i doubt you’ll remember most of this,” he starts, breath ghosting over my neck. “but, i accidentally let you in and i can feel myself falling for you. and it sucks because you’ll never be mine, fully at least, and you’re one of the only people i’ve let in so close to my heart.”

“stop,” i pleaded, “i don’t wanna know,”

“it’s not a bad thing, pretty girl.” he reassured me, “teaching me that it might be worth it, to let someone in, to enjoy someone’s company beyond sex.”

“i wish it didn’t have to be like this.” i mumbled, feeling very tired. 

“let’s get you home,”

i woke up the next day, to my blaring alarm clock. my head pounded as i flailed my hand around to turn off the terrible noise. it was the day of my flight and i couldn’t have felt any worse. eyes almost glued shut because of how puffy they were, traveled to see i was in the same clothes i was wearing the night prior. i felt like i’d been kicked in the face. clearly i had cried the night before. oh, the night before. 

i remembered almost everything, the crying, calum, more crying. it only made my headache worse. i showered to try and make myself feel less gross, but it only washed away the physical layer of grime. the emotional dirtiness would stay forever. 

i shrugged calum’s shirt over my head, it was dark blue, with maine written in bold white letters. it was probably my favorite shirt on him, so he insisted i have it. it was probably a bad idea to be reminded of calum while i went home, but it made me feel happy, and i could’ve used some light in my life. i pulled on a beanie and my long winter jacket, before grabbing my bags and heading towards the door. my roommates were still passed out from the night before, pillows over both of their heads. 

“bye, guys.” i muttered, before swinging the door open. “jesus, calum.” i breathed, clutching my chest, my heart almost stopping at the sight of him. 

“hey, sunshine.” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. the nickname launched me into the events of the night before and i willed myself not to break. 

“hi,” i breathed, biting the inside of my lip. “thank you, for last night.” 

“anytime,” he replied, “nice shirt.” this time his eyes sparkled a bit, before his face fell. 

“what’s up?” i questioned, not understanding why he was standing outside my dorm at almost eight in the morning. 

“i wanted to say bye to you before you left,” he rocked back and forth on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets. he looked small, and tucked into himself, “feels like i’m losing you.” he mumbled the last part, almost low enough for me to miss it completely.

“please don’t say that,” i shut my eyes, forcing the tears to stay inside of me. he shrugged weakly. 

“i guess this is goodbye,” he smiled at me, brown eyes shining. my stomach sank and i reached towards him and engulfed him in the biggest hug i could muster. i wanted to keep him with me forever. 

“promise me you’ll see me when i get back,” i begged him, clutching onto him for dear life. his tight grasp around my waist indicated he was doing the same.  

“i promise,” his words were muffled by my shoulders, where his perfect face was squished. he pulled away, painfully, almost making me whine at the loss of contact. “goodbye, (y/n).”

“bye, calum.” i breathed, standing on my toes to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “i’ll see you when i get back-when i get home.” it was honest, being with calum felt more like a home than my own childhood house did. 

“i’ll see you then,” he gulped, and he watched me walk away. the entire trip back to my hometown, i spent on the verge of tears and a nervous breakdown.

[11:34 am] me: i can’t do this 

[11:35 am] calum: cant do what sunshine?

[11:35 am] me: my plane just landed. 

[11:36 am] calum: you can get thru this pretty girl

[11:36 am] me: you have way too much faith in me

[11:38 am] calum: (:

calum’s lightheartedness made me feel a bit better as i gathered my luggage painfully quick. near the baggage claim, my parents were waiting eagerly for me.  

“(y/n)!” my mom exclaimed, in a much different tone than she’d had the last time we spoke. it almost made me throw up at how sweet she was acting when the last time she made an effort to talk to me was to try and get me to drop out of school. 

“hey guys,” i plastered on a fake smile, bringing both of my parents in for a hug. “how are you?”

“wonderful, now that you’re back!” my dad said, rubbing my shoulder. “how about we head back to the house and have some lunch, i’m sure you’re starving.”

“i am!” i lied, i wasn’t. not in the slightest, my stomach was twisted and the idea of food made me want to yakk on the spot. my appetite had disappeared the second i turned around to see calum’s pained expression as i walked away. the drive home was tense, calling for awkward small talk and bad jokes. 

when we walked in the front door, i was greeted by a very happy david. my mouth fell open as i was halfway through kicking off my shoes. i felt like my body had been frozen solid. 

“i thought you didn’t get back for another day,” i deadpanned, not being able to hide my emotions. the whole trip was already emotionally heavy, and seeing david so soon only added another layer overbearing feelings. 

“i wanted to surprise you!” david pulled me in for a lingering hug, he was too keen on surprises for my liking. i hugged him back, and our bodies didn’t mold together like calum and i’s did. i felt no fire, i felt no excitement, i felt nothing except for a heavy emptiness settling in my chest. 

my little sister, maya, bounded down the entryway. “(y/n)!” she yelled, and i ripped myself away from david to embrace her. 

“hey, lil’ one.” i said, smiling for real. i pulled away, looking at her. “not so little anymore,” she was taller than i was now, towering over me by a few inches. 

“how’s junior year?”

“rough,” she rolled her eyes, “how’s college.”

“great.” i smiled widely, catching david’s eye, “i love it, you know that.” it was the in small victories. 

“stressful, though!” david cut in,

“a good kind of stress,” i snapped back, turning my eyes back to maya slowly, boxing david out of the conversation. “i’ve met a lot of great people.”

“who’s shirt is that?” she asked suddenly, gripping the dark blue fabric. her eyebrows furrowed together at the sight of the unfamiliar shirt. 

“just a friend’s,” i smiled, my mouth doing dry. maya wiggled her eyebrows at me, and i hit her arm. i wasn’t really lying, calum and i weren’t together, so that left us as friends, although friends weren’t necessarily supposed to act like we did. 

the air that hung around us was dense and suffocating, so i saw myself to the kitchen, where an array of food was laid out in front of my parents, and david’s.  

“hey honey,” david’s mom smiled at me, pulling me in for a hung. she kept an arm wound around my waist as david’s dad caught my attention. 

“how ya’ feelin, kid?” he asked, grinning widely. 

i gave him a gentle smile back, “i’m great,” i breathed, trying to grip onto the last of my sanity that would make my statement at least a little true. we spent the eve of christmas eve making small conversation, settling into the way things had always been, and will always be. 

i ended up sprawled out on my little sisters bed, late that night, face down. everyone had left, and i could finally feel my shoulders relax. 

“so...” maya sat next to me, causing me to roll onto my side. “you seeing anyone?” she mused, poking my shoulder. 

i sighed, “you know i shouldn’t.” i put simply, trying the avoid the thought and conversation. 

“when has that stopped you?” she challenged, “i know you don’t really love david,” she added quietly, looking at me with caring eyes. 

“even if i was...” i started, “it can’t be a good idea, it’ll only hurt more people in the end.”

maya frowned, “you deserve to be happy, (y/n).”

“i know,” i pulled my lips into a straight line, “i can make it work, i still have you.”

“you won’t be fully happy,” she fretted, her tone more upset than it was before. 

“maybe no ones ever fully happy,” i shrugged, “maybe i’ll just be a little less happy, i’ll survive.”

maya chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment, “do you think they’ll make me marry someone i don’t like too?” i sat up, and tucked a piece of her hair behind her hair. she seemed like a little girl again, and it broke my heart. 

“you were always more stubborn than i was,” i whispered, smoothing her hair down, “they can’t hold you down, lil’ one.” she smiled, “goodnight, maya.” the topic became too much to stomach. 

“night, (y/n).” i made my way out of maya’s room, padding down to my old bedroom. it was almost exactly the same, just a bit staler, from the lack of movement. the bed was freshly made, and i climbed into it, feeling drained from the day.

i woke up christmas eve morning, and fell into the bustling nature of the day ahead. i was helping cook and clean and prepare for everyone to come over. that night we’d have cousins and david’s family and david’s cousins over, and we’d all have one big painful night. 

when i was younger, christmas eve couldn’t come quick enough, and maya and i would spend the whole day waiting for the evening. but, as an adult, the festivities proved to be more annoying than joyful and the night rolled around too quick. my late afternoon nap was interrupted by my mother shaking me awake, informing me of the arrival of our relatives. 

i sleepily greeted everyone as they got to the house, stopping for a long conversation with my grandfather. i had never been more grateful for his ability to digress into the longest conversations ever, when i saw david and his family walk through the door. i focused on my grandfather, listening to whatever he was speaking about.

“that’s really interesting,” i said, “tell me more.” i practically begged, and my grandpa almost passed out at the excitement of someone wanting to listen to him. 

“hey, (y/n).” david piped up, his blonde hair was littered with snow flakes from being outside. 

“one second, david. my grandpas just telling me a story-“ i was cut off,

“that’s fine, sweetheart.” my grandpa said, his smile fading a bit. “go on.” i gave him a sad grin, and hugged him briefly before david pulled me towards the living room. 

“i was having a conversation,” i crossed my arms in front of david, pushing him out. 

he rolled his eyes, “i know you hate those conversations,” 

“that one was really immersing me!” i shot back, stomping my foot. he gripped my forearm, pulling me closer, “don’t throw a fit,” he grumbled, running a hand through his hair. 

“whatever,” i brushed it off, knowing i wouldn’t get my way. “what’s up?” “i just wanted to talk to you,” he answered, “i hadn’t seen you since i visited you and we hardly spoke yesterday.”

“m’ just tired,” i rubbed my eyes for effect, 

“we’ve barely spoken on the phone either,” he sneered, his face almost as flushed as his pink shirt. 

“two way street, david.” i said, my face straight and unmoving. 

“you know i love you, (y/n).” david sighed, reaching out for my hand. it was cold and uninviting, unlike calum’s warm embrace. “i just get busy, and distracted. i could use something to pull me out of it.”

“i get busy too,” i stated, my hand stiff in his, and i wondered if this was his idea of love. 

“with that major...” he muttered under his breath, and i almost didn’t hear him. “i just want us to be on good terms.”

“we are.” as good as we could get, it wasn’t saying much, but it was something. he smiled. 

“good.” and then i walked away, excusing myself to the restroom. i stood in front of the mirror, hands gripping the sink so hard my knuckles went white. i let myself breath for a second, feeling i’d lose control if i didn’t. i pulled my phone out quickly, typing a text to calum. 

[7:27 pm] me: merry christmas eve

[7:30 pm] calum: merry christmas to you, pretty girl

[7:30 pm] calum: how are you?

[7:31 pm] me: surviving 

“(y/n)?” a knock cut through my trance and i jumped, going to open the door. 

“hi,” i caught my breath, looking at my mom. 

“dinners ready,” she stated, “you alright?”

“yes.” i nodded, following her to the dining room. david took a seat next to me, uncomfortably gripping my thigh throughout the night. his touch wasn’t reassuring or nice, it was repulsive and empty. 

after dinner, we all sat in the living room, gathered around the tree, giving our cousins gifts and opening them early. it was a family tradition to open gifts from extended family christmas eve, and david’s family had intertwined with ours, making it like a huge pre-christmas. once all the little cousins finished opening toys and sharing with one another we all started to fall into our own conversations. 

“i actually have one more gift,” david’s voice bellowed, it was loud and dripping with confidence. 

oh no. 

“it’s for (y/n),�� he said, shifting his weight to one of his knees. 

oh no. 

“(y/n),” he started, grabbing both of my hands and the attention of everyone around us. i felt maya’s eyes shoot to mine, wide and worried. i felt sick to my stomach, “i love you, you know that.” my whole body was lit aflame and not in any desirable way, i felt too hot and crowded and my tongue felt like heavy sandpaper in my mouth. 

i couldn’t do anything but sit there, mouth hung open, heart pumping wildly. i watched his mouth move but i didn’t hear any noise come out, my ears rung loudly.

“will you marry me?” i didn’t answer, i couldn’t answer. 

“of course she will!” my mother shrilled loudly, clutching her chest. 

my eyes were dull with loss, the sharp edges of my memories with calum slicing at my heart as he slid the ring on my finger. i felt like i didn’t have myself anymore, or even know who i was. i didn’t know. i didn’t care. 

david pulled me in for a hug, as our family clapped loudly around us. it was all real and i couldn’t stop it. 

i looked calm, up until i finally shut my bedroom door behind me. all at once my tears flowed out, the dark cloud above my head had once again stormed on me, leaving me soaked to the core. i dragged myself to my bed, not bothering to change out of the clothes i’d wore that night. i felt hopeless as sobs ran through my body, shaking every part of me. my room was miserable and cold, and the only sound piercing the silence was my occasional cries i couldn’t keep quiet. 

i cried for me, i cried for my future kids, i cried for calum.

calum

. i wanted to tell him, i wanted to hear his voice and i wanted him to tell me it was going to be ok, but it wasn’t and not even he could change that. but i longed to feel him, and the brightness he elicited by only giving me a look. my heart ached as i fell asleep, my future dragging me closer and closer.

a/n: ok drama lmk what ya think even if its me being stupid and spelling something wrong but feedback is appreciated! thank u for reading!! part 4 should be up tomorrow or in the next couple of days. ALSO im gonna fosho gonna write more after this is done so if you have an requests pls message me i would love 2 write what yall want ok goodbye love u 

tags: (lmk if u wanna be added for part 4/any other shit i write) @rexorangecouny

[whitecanaryoflight]

Get to know me: The Trilogy

i see these all the time and they always suck and its always silly information, so heres a more intellectual and exciting one. They always talk about followers and physical features and nothing that makes up someone as a person, so heres one for your personality and life experiences. Don’t forget to tag people you want to get to know!!!

Tagged by: @persephoneandthepomegranates

Name?

Shyann, but you can call me Canary

Age?

See, if I answered this tomorrow, it’d say 18. But 17.

Height?

5′1 (I think. Or 5′0″.)

Where you’re from?

Missouri (MISSOUR-AH. Don’t. Don’t ever do that. It sounds like Misery for a reason.) (... that sounds like a band name. “Sounds Like Misery”. Someone steal that please.) (sorry I got off track)

Favourite song?

I swear I give a different answer every time I answer this.  Either Wolf An Dro or Earth Warrior by Omnia, or Two-Faced by Shannon Taylor.

Favourite Book?

I really love “House” by Frank Peretti and Ted Dekker. Add that to my list of anything by R.L. Stine, Thirst series by Christopher Pike, and Unwind series by Neal Shusterman(?). 

Favorite smell?

GINGERBREAD LATTE LOTION/BODY MIST FROM BATH AND BODY WORKS. Or an ongoing field on a summer day.

A memorable experience?

CALIFORN-I-A. Calicalicalicalicali--

Countries you’ve been to?

:( Just this one

Countries you’d want to go to?

EVERYWHERE!!! My mains are Ireland and Germany because heritage reasons <3 But no literally I want to go to every single country at least once in my lifetime.

Languages you speak?

English (fluent), I’m learning German, I can speak bits and pieces of Spanish (it just never really sticks) and French (likewise). At one point I was semi-decent at Lithuanian but you don’t use it, you lose it.

Favourite subject in high school?

Medieval History, Intro to Art, and Theater. 

Hobbies?

Reading, watching Youtube videos, livestreaming(I need to pick this back up), graphic editing, art in general, writing, whatever else I waste my days doing tbh

Favourite plant?

ORCHIDS. Wait that’s a flower, does it count as “plant”?  Venus Flytrap.

Favourite food?

This also changes. I think right now it’s Lazaghnah. (Lasagna).

Views on modern society?

*vaguely gestures at the politics on my blog and recent complaint about how people treat the Earth and Paganism*

Favorite era and why?

40′s-60′s clothes and swing music, and then 90′s everything, and this era’s progression on racial equality and women’s rights (minus the steps backwards we’ve taken thanks to Lord Dampnut)

If you could experience one event in history, which would it be and why?

The burning of the Library of Alexandria becAUSE YOU CAN BET YOUR TITS I’M RUNNING IN THERE AND SAVING AS MUCH AS I FUCKING CAN. Unless you mean like, experience and not interfere. In which I’d have to say... The days where Plato described a man as “An animal, biped and featherless” in which Diogenes plucked a chicken and brought it to him shouting “Behold, Plato’s man!” because frankly, that would be AMAZING to witness in person.

Have tattoos, Piercings?

No :c And yes, just regular lobe piercings. One on each.

Want any?

YEEEESSSSS. My friend, I want SO many tattoo’s.  And I still want an industrial and maybe a daith. Still hooked on snake bites, too.

Thoughts on love?

Listen. The last one fucked me up so much, I’m surprised I’m giving this whole dating thing another shot. It’s hard. Finding someone, especially someone that respects every part of you, is fucking hard. And it hurts so much.  But I just hope it’ll be worth it in the end. But I’m going in very very guarded this time. I can’t let that happen to me again. I can’t.

Spirituality?

I’m just here for the ride, man, and to hopefully do my part to keep nature alive and wild. 

10 facts about you?

I constantly forget my natural hair color. Don’t ask me. I don’t know.

I’m terrible at responding to messages/texts because I’ll open them, get distracted, and forget to reply. Also I hate messaging people first so please don’t take it personally I’m just shy.

I’m a Hellenic, Pagan, Witch.

Caribou Coffee > Starbucks, fight me

I’m calm 95% of the time but when I’m angry it snaps on and off as easily as a light switch.

I cannot word. Every time I word something to someone, I get self-conscious and worried that it’ll be misinterpreted or that it doesn’t make sense. This is why I don’t talk to people much.

I love ‘terrible’ movies, as long as they’re not painstakingly terrible. Like, I could watch Dead Snow over and over again but if I ever have to sit and watch The Big Lebowski again, I’m going to genuinely cry. 

My Dad borrowed his friends’ copy of House of 1000 Corpses sometime before I was even in 3rd Grade and I watched it so much that I wore out the DVD so my Dad had to buy them a NEW copy AND buy us a copy. I still love it.

My sense of humor can be dark, and terrible, and wrong, and I often feel bad about it. I can expand upon this with examples, if someone wants to know exactly how terrible of a person I am.

I feel I should elaborate on a previous post I reblogged: I am deathly terrified of bald men in black suits. I will go out of my way to avoid them. I don’t scare easily, but they make my heart drop into my stomach and make me want to run. I have a strong sense of mistrust in most strangers in suits, but usually it’s white businessmen that I’ve never seen before, that I hate the most.

Feel free to ask me any questions or follow up questions in my inbox!

im tagging: Anyone who wants to do this! Please tag me so I can read!

[one-shoop]

Watching "clean with me" videos gives me so much anxiety. I know I have too much stuff but it just feels so bad to throw it away. I used to wish I hadnt ever seen a toy/plushie/clothing instead of like, being stuck. And now I just -- I'm torn between feeling overwhelmed and being desperate at keeping stuff that matters to me. I don't know what to do.

This one vlogger talked about how getting rod of stuff wasn't always abou the stuff -- it was about you being able to feel peaceful in your environment. Like, if you can't enter a room without feeling anxious, that's a no-no. Some of the stuff I have give me anxiety like that, or I just dont feel happy about having it. For various reasons, I keep it. But...

Like, there's childhood favorites I can't give. Stuff I promised to look after and it's a promise I can't go back on. Stuff that my sister has a similar item of, and I'd feel bad discarding one of a pair. Stuff I feel used to be a big part of my life and I want a way to keep that memory. There's stuff I sort of don't mind much and would rather give -- but. I dunno. Like, some things I don't like but I'm afraid of giving things up. I dunno, man.

There's some stuff I like -- cute plushies, clothes that I love. Some others, I mean, they just don't make me happy, you know? I hate when there's too many things on my bed, it makes me anxious to go to sleep. Like, most of the plushies I keep there are my all-time keep -- precious keepsakes of stuff I cant throw away. But I just. UGH. There's stuff I cant throw away because it's the last remaining relics of Club Penguin -- rest in peace -- and others that just sort of matter? I dont know but I feel so anxious. I wish I could just do what I want and get rid of some stuff. Like, I have two criterias for plushies:

-plushies I like (cute, fluffy, soft)

-keepsakes (old or memory-related)

-ones I keep out of a promise (gifts, important events)

-those ones that my sister has another one or, and i keep it so hers wont be alone, because yes, I'm sad like that, it would make me sad to imagine it screw you

And like -- ARE THERE ONES I COULD GIVE AWAY THAT DONT FIT INTO THOSE CATEGORIES??? THOSE I DONT CARE ABOUT?? Some old ones just make me feel sick to my stomach like those old sea creatures. But like -- there's ones I cant give away, like -- the one thing my dad and I have in common, marionettes, those ones we used for a movie we made.

Like, are there some I could just take a picture of? I don't know, man. I dont like going downstairs because it makes me want ro cry and scream and just pull off my hair. I'm so angey and frustrated and I keep wanting a fresh start. Like -- I've always done that, you know? Every time I buy new plushies, it's for a fresh start. I just wish I had a way to remove all thise useless fresh starts, those ones that didn't make me feel good, and keep the good ones. Like, I envy those who dont have that kind of stupid attachment. Like, go attachment. Its just -- everytime I bought a new plushies, it was supposed to be a fresh start. "That one" I would love, "that one" would be my favorite. I know irs unhealthy and I hate buying them because it makes me feel so much dread like, I keep having more and it keeps feeling like doomsday is coming whenever I see my dad going "ugh why" and I freak out and I dont ecen know what to do.

Plushies used to be this nice thing and now they just make me want to tear my throat out. Dear fucking god I hate everything

I just -- I wish i had a plushie I liked and tjene ceyrtjing would be so kuch easier but I WISH ID NEVER LAID EYES ON ANY OF THESE PLUSHIES IN THE FIRST PLACE. SOME OF THEM I WAD GIVEN BHT I DONT WANT THEM AND I DONT KNOW EHAT TO DO. BUT NOW I FEEL COMPELLED. AND I WANT TO JUSR FUCKING CRY FOREVER. IM SFARED. AND UPSET. I DONR WANR RO CHOOSE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. HOW TO GET RID OF THEM.

I used to get so scared bit now I'm psychong myself because everyone saus i need to get rid of them and I just fucling can't deal woth it. Am i betraying myself? I promised i wouldnt let this happen. I promise I wouldn't be my own enemy. I promise i wouldnt do this ti myself just to make everyone happy. And now IM DOING IT.

At least I'm fine throwing clothes away. Clothes suck.

Or, like, sometimes. I still want to fucking die everytime I throw clothes away. Jesus I need fucling help. I have no psychological safety thing for like, some safety rjing to go back to. I feel so fucling afraid and stuff like that was supposed to be the one thing I wasnt afraid of and I could get them and jt would be fine but now that's just a big lie??? It wasn't supposed to make me feel happier??? It wss just supposed to keep me contented until whatever person decides its time to work??? Is that it????

What am I supposed to do, man??? What am I supposed to do????? What am I supposed to think??? I'm supposed to figure tjis out but O jusr fucling cant and its supposed to help me to have plushies but it's not and I cajr see straight. I jusr wish plushies were safe again. I wish i could cry my heart out about leaving them like before. I widh I could be angry and upset and betrayed and feel like I'm being torn apart and scream and rage about how people are hurting me and how they can't understand how terrible it feels, and how they'll never understand why I feel so betrayed and so alone and so dismayed becauee my whole world and my whole safety is falling apart and I cant egen enjoy a simple piece of fabric stuffed with cotton without feeljng like I'm going to get killed at any moment because it costs money and it's not necessary and I'm going to get killed by cotton in my face. And it's not necessary and I'm getting attached for nothing and it's not necessary, just let it go, you'll feel better afterwards, just try it, you have to make changes, you have to make your life better, dont you want balance? Just try it!!!!

Like you want me to have balance???????????? Is that what you want?? Why are you just screaming at me and telling me tl dl stuff I dont want to do, THIS is just -- it's important to me, it's stuff that just gets me up and going, it's whats brightening up my life, it's like, the only source of peace i have. And you want to tell me it wasn't worth anything? That it didn't have a place in my life and it wasn't a beacon of anything and it should have been thrown away long ago and it should have been somewhere else and it didnt deserve to exist? And it should have been explained a bit better but basically this is what it is!!!???! Like you can preach about happiness and balance all you want but this i my happiness!!! This is what i wsnr mi life to look like!!!! This is what happiness os to me, this is what safety is, this is how I manage to come home and feel happy about myself!!!!! Do you actually want balance or do you just wsnt me to live by your rules? Like do you even care if I get happier if the way I am happy, it's not by throwing it all away? No? Like did you even let it a chance to exist first?

Yeah if I said that to my mom she would've interrupted me to say "I understand no need to be like that" and then she would've told me "well talk about it in the morning" and basically listen to nothing and not give a shit at all. Sorry if I sound really annoying about getting my point across, this id whar I have to deal with at home so I'm sorry if I'm not arguing like a peaceful person here.