#there is simply too much music overflowing in my brain and I am always ready to connect it to my blorbos

[daintyduck99]

Writing Trademark: it's a daintyduck production (TM) if it makes me want to google Taylor Swift songs. Also, if there's metaphors that stab me right through the heart

I am always spilling over with relevant lyrics (especially when they don't end up in the fic itself) and would absolutely be willing to send you those whenever! Though of course I always recommend listening to her songs because--I'm incredibly biased lol (but they also tend to fit the tone of the fic--Paper Rings is an incredibly upbeat bubblegum pop number whereas The Archer is an incredibly vulnerable ballad that's more stripped and--Bethany's birthday fic was literally based on the former but Help Me Hold Onto You ended up resonating with the latter emotionally if that makes sense)

Also I've written a handful of Rulie fics inspired by her music and it's always songs off of Lover or reputation (probably because there are so many good vulnerable songs on reputation imo I could do a whole essay on that but I love every song on that album besides Look What You Made Me Do), though there's a surprising lack of her in this latest fic lol

Metaphors my beloved writing device ❤️ Thank you because with every one I'm like--okay did I actually just do something or do I sound like a pretentious hipster

I try not to use too many of them now (and I actually tried not to use any in the proposal song in You'll Be Mine And I'll Be Yours, but one slipped in anyway) because I don't want to diminish their impact, but they're so fun to come up with and they sometimes weave their way through a whole story and I always feel so excited about that (re the whole sunflower thing in sunflower syndrome)

[theraputicwritings]

An Eye for an Eye Part 3

A/N: As I promised, here is Part 3! Even though it’s difficult I am going to continue the pattern of switching between the past and the present for each chapter. It makes it a challenge which I am always up for! Anywho’s enjoy!

Word Count: 2,180

Tagging: @learisa (To be tagged in this story or any others, message me!)

Summary: You start to get settled into Jefferson’s mansion as he struggles with knowing everything about your past with him while you are clueless to it all. 

Part 2

“Please, come in,” Jefferson finally requested after what anyone would call an uncomfortably long silence. Y/N took a deep breath and walked past him. She tensed as she felt a hand at the small of her back. “Sorry,” he muttered, “Force of habit.”

Jefferson quickly removed his hand and followed her inside. “I’m going to make a fresh pot of tea. You can sit down if you’d like.” He gestured towards one of the couches in the expansive living room, before escaping to his kitchen.

Y/N looked around the room as she sat down. It was beautiful but she still questioned why she was here. Mr. Gold had never been one to be straightforward to Y/N, but she knew the old man well enough to know when he had an agenda. After all, he always had an agenda.

And the man Mr. Gold had sent her too. She didn’t recognize the man Mr. Gold had instructed her to go to, but something inside of her told her that she should. Something inside her told her to trust him. It was a weird feeling. Trust. It made her head ache to try to piece everything together.

In the kitchen, Jefferson wasn’t much better. He was at the sink filling a kettle with water but he wasn’t paying attention to it as it overflowed. What was she doing here? Why was she still alive and what was Gold trying to accomplish by bringing her to him? It couldn’t have just been from the goodness of his heart. Gold didn’t have any more goodness in his heart.

Jefferson jumped when he felt water splash on his hand and noticed the kettle was overflowing. He poured some of it out and then placed it on the stove top to boil. Wiping his hands, he leaned against the doorframe that led into the living room.

There she sat, those wide eyes that he loved taking in the room she was in. Jefferson wanted nothing more but to wrap his arms around her, but he knew he couldn’t. She didn’t know who he was. She didn’t even know who she was. Who knows what stories Gold had filled her head with.

The kettle started to whistle and Y/N turned just in time to see Jefferson’s retreating back. She stood, wondering how long he’d been there. Feeling anxious, she walked around the room to look at the different knick knacks. She stopped at the grand piano and ran her hand along the sleek black lid.

She startled as Jefferson placed a tray with a tea cup in front of her. “Oh, um, thank you,” she acknowledged, taking the warm cup in her hand. At first, she didn’t drink it, just held it in both of her hands as she enjoyed the warmth. She then took a sip of the tea, humming to herself as the taste of citrus mixed with floral undertones coated her tongue. A hint of a smile crossed her face as she soaked in the flavor.

“Do you play?” Jefferson asked, gesturing towards the piano. He knew the answer already but asked in hopes that it would stir a memory. Y/N stood there, contemplating his question. “I don’t, actually. I love piano music, but I’ve never gotten the chance to play before. I probably wouldn’t be very good at it though.”

Jefferson blinked in surprise, not expecting that answer. But of course, the curse would take away one of the past times she enjoyed the most. The curse took everything good away. He should have known better.

“Do you?” Jefferson tore himself away from his pity to look back up. “No, not really. It makes for a nice decoration piece though.” Y/N nodded her head, “I would have to agree. It’s beautiful.”

Quiet settled between the two of them when a brisk ringing echoed through the house. “If you’ll excuse me,” Jefferson apologized, backing out of the room. Y/N nodded, and sat back down on one of the sofas, sipping her tea in content.

“Hello?” Jefferson pressed the phone to his ear, turning to look back at the woman he once knew so well.

“Jefferson, I hope my gift arrived safely at your house,” Gold’s voice crooned through the phone. Jefferson gritted his teeth, “Yes she did. My question to you, is why Gold? What do you have to gain from bringing her here?”

“I don’t have anything to gain. I’m simply repaying the favor of you releasing my dear Belle from her imprisonment. I always return a favor,” Gold explained in a sickly-sweet voice. “You always have something to gain, Gold.” “Ah, yes, but that I’m not going to divulge to you. Not yet at least. I’ve just called to make sure that darling Y/N is there with you. Consider it a gift to you, Jefferson. For both of you, actually.”

“I’m not sure if I’d consider this a gift, Gold. She doesn’t know who she is. Are you just trying to torture me further?” Jefferson couldn’t help the ache that came through in his voice. “The exact opposite. I’m sure your visit with Miss Swan has revealed that change is coming to Storybrooke. I wanted Y/N with someone safe when that change came. I have a feeling all hell will break loose when that change comes.”

“Her name is Sophia,” Jefferson insisted through a clenched jaw. “Not here, it’s not. Believe it or not, Hatter, I’ve come to care for Y/N and I will not appreciate it if I’ve learned that you are confusing her mind before she’s ready.” “I wouldn’t do that to her,” Jefferson promised. “Of course, you wouldn’t. Now, good bye Jefferson.”

The other line clicked, and Jefferson put the phone down, more confused than before. One thing was certain though. She was back in his life and it was going to take another curse for them to be separated again. That was for damn sure. He was going to take care of her like he promised all of those years ago. And he was going to get his daughter back and they’d return to the Enchanted Forest where they all belonged. Together.

With that finality in his mind, Jefferson walked back into the living room. He scanned the room to see Y/N’s form once more on his sofa. He walked in front of the couch and couldn’t help the smile on his face when he saw her looking so comfortable. Her feet were tucked underneath her and she had the tea cup still in both hands but propped on top of a pillow in her lap.

“The tea is delicious,” she commented as she noticed him. “Thank you. Earl gray is a personal favorite of mine,” Jefferson replied. And yours. The thought escaped his brain, pressing against the ache that hadn’t left since he opened his door to her.

“Was that Mr. Gold on the phone? I heard you say his name,” she questioned. Jefferson nodded as he sat in a chaise across from her. “Yes, he wanted to make sure that you got here safely.” Y/N smiled and Jefferson had to do a double take when he thought he saw affection in her eyes.

“That was very kind of him.” Jefferson cleared his throat once the shock quickly wore off. “Yes, well, if you’d like to get settled in, I can show you to a room where you get showered and perhaps some rest.” Y/N removed her feet from the sofa, suddenly feeling very aware of how dirty she actually was.

“A shower would be nice. I don’t have any other clothes to wear, though. And these aren’t very clean.” She anxiously fingered the hem of her shawl. Jefferson pondered over this, not having thought that she would be lacking in a few items if she stayed with him.

“You can wear some of my clothes, and then in the morning we can go out and get you some clothes,” he decided, standing up. “You’re going to take me into town?” Y/N asked, excitement filling her eyes. “Yes, that’s where most people go to buy clothing,” Jefferson replied, confused. “I’ve never been into town before. Mr. Gold said it was unnecessary since I don’t need anything from town.”

Jefferson frowned at this bit of news but shook it off. “Well, then I’ll make sure to make your first trip enjoyable.” He held his hand out to her. “Here, I’ll show you your room, So-I mean Y/N.”

She hesitated, before putting standing and put her hand into his. He took the now empty tea cup from her other hand and placed it on the piano before gently leading her up the stairs and into one of the many unused bedrooms. Jefferson remembered what she said and chose a bedroom for her that had a beautiful view of the buildings in town, showcasing the old clock tower. “Here we are. The bathroom is just through that room.”

With that, Jefferson let go of her hand and left the room. Y/N spun slowly, taking in the large room. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d been in a bedroom this large and she couldn’t help the smile that spread on her face. She wanted nothing more than to take a running leap onto the very comfy looking bed but stopped when she remembered how dirty she was.

Y/N walked into the bath room and was once again surprised at how large the room was. She quickly stripped, excited to indulge in the large shower. She ran the water at its hottest temperature before stepping under the steady stream.

Once thoroughly cleaned, and after enjoying the hot jetting water for a little longer, Y/N stepped out of the water and wrapped one of the thick, fluffy towels around her. She exited the bathroom to find a neatly folded pile of clothes waiting for her on the bed.

The sweat pants and t shirt were only a little bit bigger than her size, but they were cozy and only increased the warmth that had spread in her since that first sip of tea. It made her sleepy and it dawned on her, just how exhausted she actually was. She didn’t want to go to sleep yet though. All of this seemed like such a dream and she was terrified that she would wake up and find herself on the floor of Mr. Gold’s shed again.

Deciding to stay up just a little bit longer, Y/N sat down on the window bench and admired the view of Storybrooke. It was just starting to get dark outside, but she could still make out the shape of the clock tower and the other buildings in town. She wondered to herself which ones the man would take her too.

Jefferson. He still made her wary, but she didn’t think that Mr. Gold would send her to stay with someone who would mistreat her. Mr. Gold had a lot of corrupt qualities, but Y/N did care for him, and she believed that he cared for her as well, despite not always treating her kindly. Call it Stockholm syndrome, but she fully trusted Mr. Gold.

Jefferson came up the stairs a few minutes later to check on his, erm, guest. He took a deep breath before knocking quietly on the door. “Y/N? I made dinner if you would like to eat.”

When no answer came, Jefferson quietly turned the knob and opened the door. Inside, he found Y/N sleeping soundly on the window seat. She was sitting up with her back against the wall, but her head was propped against the glass of the window. As she breathed, her breath fogged the glass in quiet puffs.

He smiled softly, as pleasant memories echoed inside of his head. He walked up to her and gently moved a piece of hair from out of her face, before stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers.

She started some, but only to sigh and lean into his touch. Knowing just how uncomfortable her sleeping position could be, Jefferson took it upon himself to move her into the bed.

First, he pulled the covers back and then he gently tucked her legs under one arm and supported her back with the other. Almost as if on instinct, Y/N unconsciously leaned into him, her head finding its way into the crook of his neck. Slowly, Jefferson carried her to the bed and gently laid her down. He had to stop himself from crawling in beside her, knowing that she didn’t know who he was or what they used to be.

Stroking her cheek one last time, Jefferson pulled the covers over her. This time, he couldn’t help himself as he kissed her on the forehead, lingering longer than he knew he should have.

If what Gold said was true, then he’d get to hold her in his arms once again. It gave him a feeling that he hadn’t experienced in far too long. One that he knew he had to cling to to benefit the both of them.

Hope.

[iamkellyadams]

60 Self-Care Ideas for Women (Checklist)

Self-Care is…

Taking personal responsibility for one’s physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health

Good for your mind, body, spirit, life, and soul

NOT selfish

A habit that makes you flourish, not just function

A choice

Preventive

Imperative

A deliberate effort

Making yourself a priority

A lifelong practice

Empowering

A lifestyle

A ritual

Its time for you to

Reclaim your FREEDOM

Reclaim your POWER

Reclaim your PEACE

7 Self-Care Strategies

Make yourself a priority

Be your own caretaker as you are for others

Don’t apologize for putting yourself first

There is no reason to be sorry for loving and taking care of yourself

Ditch the guilt

Understand the big picture, without self-care you end up running on empty and you cannot care for or give to others from an empty cup

Ditch Perfection

Let go of perfection, it’s exhausting and nobody is perfect. Life is too short.

Plan to be Spontaneous

Take advantage of the many opportunities throughout the day for self-care, small actions yield big results

Make Self-Care your own

Choose self-care techniques that help you to destress, stay calm, and take good care of yourself

Create a Habit with rituals

Commit to doing some type of self-care activity each day, before long it will become automatic, and you will find the positive results motivating you to continue

60 Self-Care Ideas

Have a support system

Get help as you need it

People to talk to and process emotions

Learn to identify and process emotions

Learn to say no

Believe in it, practice it, and say it as needed

Create and believe in your own boundaries

Boundaries protect you from harm, just as the borders are there to protect countries

Find Solitude

Clear your mind

Gather your thoughts

Slow down

Practice mindfulness

Focus on the present moment and really pay attention to what is going on

Keeps you in the present moment

Prevents senseless worry about the future and nagging thoughts of the past

Get a treatment at the salon

Blow-out

Manicure

Pedicure

Anything that makes you feel good and renewed

Take a hot aromatherapy bath

Do Something that is fun, senseless and makes you relax

Create a morning routine

Morning rituals help get you centered for the day ahead

Meditation

Prayer

Visualization

Uplifting podcast

Exercise

Anything that works for you

Facial massage

Read a book

Spend time with friends

Drink a hot cup of herbal tea

Turn of all noise

Find silence by turning off your phone, social media alerts

Cook healthy meal

Keeps you grounded and in touch with what you are eating

Practice gratitude

Be grateful for your job, all you have and your life it will keep you centered and more calm

Break free from negative and/or unhealthy people

Their negativity drags you down

They are not likely to support your wellbeing

They cause you stress

Get up slowly without a blaring alarm

It sets a calm tone for the day

Create a beautiful garden for yourself to sit in and relax

Nature is soothing, calming, and restorative

Practice deep breathing several times each day

Meditate

Do nothing

Take a few moments each day and do nothing but space out

Plan periods of time without plans

Leave blocks of time during your weekly schedule to do nothing and have nothing planned

Be spontaneous

Do something spur of the moment, take a drive, read, take a nap, go to lunch with a friend, or just watch TV

Exercise and physical movement

Release feel good chemicals in the brain

Reduce stress

Detoxifies the body

Greatly improves mood

Take scenic drive

Practice yoga

More than sixty benefits for mind, body, and spirit

Effects stay with you long after each session has passed

Have sex

Promotes relaxation

Stimulates release of feel good hormones in the brain

Intimacy nurtures emotional health and feeds your soul

Recharge with a spa day

Practice positivity

Miraculously healing

Optimists live longer and handle stress much better than pessimists do

Be okay with disappointment

It’s okay to be disappointed with yourself

It’s okay if others are disappointed in you

Be your own best friend

Love

Honor

Support

Respect

Meet needs

Be there for

Spend time alone to rest, refuel and regroup your mind and spirit

Create claiming surroundings

Get rid of clutter in your home, office, and car

Consider your friends and relationships

Do they fulfil you, support your wellbeing, and inspire you to be your best, or do they drag you down?

Consider your routine

Is it chaotic

Does it make you crazy?

Make changes as needed with a focus on your wellbeing

Make a list of your greatest qualities and read it often

Stare at the clouds

Find some grass, lay down, and just watch the clouds float in the sky

Play like children do

Childlike play feeds the spirit, and promotes emotional health

Scrutinize your schedule

Is it overfilled? Are overly burdened?

Make every possible effort to eliminate things that cause overwhelm

Fix nagging annoyances

These little things annoy and nag, and over time this can cause unnecessary mental and emotional burdens

Change that light bulb

Make that phone call

Fix that stuck drawer

Just one thing

Do one thing makes you happy every single day

Smell a flower, listen to your favorite song, hug yourself, think of those good things that feed your soul

Unplug

Unplug all electronics for at least half an hour each daily

Phone, laptop, tablet, social media, email alerts, landlines, all of it!

Evaluate your social media updates

Do you really need to be bothered with constant updates from 100 plus people?

Information overload promotes stress and prevents your mind being calm and centered

Listen to your body

Listen for hunger, thirst, exhaustion, the need to rest

Dance

Great exercise

Music helps feel good hormones in the brain

Stretch

Destress and recharge

Plan your meals

Eat healthy by planning ahead and having it ready

Avoid eating junk food when you get too busy to consider a healthy meal

Practice positive self-talk

Positive affirmations remind you that you are worth it and deserve self-nurture to promote self-care actions

Spend time in nature

Nature is soothing, refreshing and re-energizes the mind, and spirit

Splurge

Buy yourself something self-indulgent, just because you deserve it

Get some sun

Spend a few moments in the sun each day, don’t forget the sunscreen

Inhale wellness

Essential oils used in aromatherapy are therapeutic and help create a certain mood

Lavender for calm

Peppermint to boost energy, motivation, and mood

Laugh regularly for the health of mind, body and spirit

Take a quick nap

A nap that lasts between 10-20 minutes completely rejuvenates your mind and energizes your body so you can tackle anything that comes your way

Take up a hobby or sport

Candlelit dinner for one

Take yourself out for a delectable gourmet dinner and celebrate your own company

Journal

Allows you to vent frustrations, process emotions and reflect

Receive love freely

Love is the ultimate healer, no matter how bad things get, love can pull you out

Seek it, receive it and give it

The best self-care medicine there is

Who am I and Why you should listen to me?

For those of you that don’t know I am Hillary Fay, I have a passion for yoga and transformational arts. This overflows into everything that I create from my classes, workshops, yoga teacher training’s, Reiki certifications, and Evolutionary Arts Practitioner Certification.

As a teacher and teacher of teachers, I am here to help you deepen into your own Source of Unconditional Love — S.O.U.L. So, you can access all the gifts that always are, and always will be inherent within you through breath work, Kundalini Yoga, Reiki, Alchemy, Vinyasa Flow, Meditation and much more.

My passion is sharing what I have learned with everyone.

From a very young age I was inspired to seek healing and be at peace. At the young tender age of 12 I had lived in 8 states, been through trauma and abuse and experienced far more than any 12-year-old should.

From the deep suffering came the greatest gift I could have ever imagined.

Now I embody love and want to help others do just the same. I’ve taught over 10,000 students. You are capable of being loved, filled with energy and amazing presence!

Ask yourself – what would it be like to wake up feeling happy and confident, that you’ll have all the energy you need to feel good at the end of the day? Now you can feel the transformation of deep self-care.

In this fast-paced world, we live in, it can get lost as to what we need to do to help ourselves.

I’ve designed a program to help you increase energy, return to your own power, and give yourself the boost you need to continue showing up for others without draining themselves.

In my Ultimate Self-Care Kit, you’ll be getting tried and proven practices to help you create and set the energy you need to feel your best in only minutes a day.

Introducing…

THE ULTIMATE SELF-CARE KIT

The Ultimate Self-Care Kit contains everything you need to dive deep into what self-love and self-care really are. 

Including 7 guided meditation audios created with binaural beats which help to access deeper states of well-being:

The Safe to Be Mediation to reconnect with your breath

A powerful Energy Clearing meditation that you can use every single day to reset your energy

The Deep Relaxation Meditation for Self-Care to unwind your nervous system

A Yoga Nidra (the Yoga of Sleep) Meditation. This will help you tap into your Theta state where you can access your own source of intuition and love. The more we access Theta state the more we learn how to trust ourselves and our own gut instincts.

The Divine Mother Meditation will help you feel cherished, love and accepted.

The Love Consciousness Activation is designed to support you in grounding.

The Self Sourcing Meditation for igniting the love and support you deserve

You simply need to get comfy on your couch or in a quiet space and focus on your much needed self-care to help you get real stress relief and the rejuvenation of spirit they desperately want.  

​Special bonuses include potent breathing exercises and meditation videos from the best of yogic science:

Breathing exercises to help you relax into a restful night’s sleep

Breathing exercises to boost your immune system and activate your Inner Sun

Full Hatha yoga class specifically designed for self-care and grounding

PDF workbook for Creating Healthy Boundaries

This helps you live your best life…without the guilt, which empowers you and everyone around you.

Regain control of your mind, body, and spirit…and feel the power of true transformation. You need my Ultimate Self-Care Kit in your life right now. Click here, The Ultimate Self-Care Kit.

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[opalmothnightingale]

Wee Babe

2- 14- 18 - 

When I dreamed of someone, I dreamed of a baby.  The feeling was vivid, and the emotions were strong, beautiful, calm, shimmering and trembling and it was like I was really holding this baby, in my dream, and I woke up and the energy of the person enwrapped me.  I felt like the energy I am familiar with was there, soaking through my field of self, and there was my cat, the forest spirit resembling cat, who does things that provide messages from the beyond, related to him.  My cat snuggled up next to me, which he doesn’t do very much.  In my dream the baby was nursing me and the feeling of that mother child bond was there, the dreamy peaceful loving feeling that nursing somehow creates for me, zoned out and like an animal, caring for her baby, mindless of the stress and boredom and just feeling love and happiness, the oxytocin bond feeling that replaces the pain.  Also holding babies all day, it becomes a bond.  This constant touch and closeness that replaces all the stress and pain or at least dulls it.  The acquired step of bounce dance that newborn’s mothers have,...  This was peace.  Haze of constant tending a child, sleeping two hours or less shifts around the clock.  Music my only escape of thought and mental stimulation, that I can focus on.  But that baby feeling is addictive.  That baby sense, even though it’s not something I necessarily really would want to do ever again...  How many years did raising my daughter take off my life, I have to wonder.  The baby through 4-5 year old state was quite a wreaking havoc, on my whole mind and body, feeling mined out from within, empty and exhausted and agonized and constantly under fire, angry, zombie-like, bored out of my mind, extremely agitated, an empty, wicked shell of horror and chaos and mania, ready to destruct.  Wondering if I would make it through alive.  Quite literally.  Ha  What?  Why would I go back there?  Even though blessings abounded, it was a blessing and hell blend that wasn’t really worth it, if I didn’t get through a better woman, much better, strong, stable, once it was passed through the hell and burning alive state for years on end..  But I’m there for now, a safe ledge for now, for how long, we shall see.  I’m not overly dramatic or negative.  Sometimes the negative is real and irrefutable for the one in it, and usually it is so that others think they see through it and see that you can do better, but they’re the blind ones.  You can’t always do better.  At least, sometimes you cannot,...  Sometimes you can.  Sometimes you can if you have the right brain chemistry or physical state and emotional motivation which are all hurled and drowned at the bottom of the well, until someone retrieves them.

But the baby in my arms, hair dark and full, and I could see the face in detail, and the baby seemed so real and all day of yesterday I kept craving that presence but I think tis a fluke of nature, trick of nature, to make me dream that and make me want it so quickly and strongly.  To think it could be possible to find a good enough relationship if I ever thought I could hazard having another child and bearing the possible years and more of torment...  Not to forget some kids are much harder to raise than my daughter, as difficult as her behavioral issues are.  Some parents have kids who are much more complicated and they fail these children horribly sometimes, and what would I be thinking?  But it was a beautiful dream and in my heart and mind and energy I carried that child of my dreams with me yesterday and it made the day lovely even still...  Even if it’s just a human animal impulse and illusion to make me want things that aren’t smart but just instinctive and likely destructive, if I couldn’t manage the whole endeavour wisely...  As likely would happen.  I’m ticking away at my clock, my biological clock.  Upper 30s.  I probably won’t have any more kids, at least not biological ones.  My body is not so healthy to start with, oppressed with chronic ailments and strange reactions, allergies, sensitivities.  I wouldn’t be the most considerate to pass on those genes, to put it mildly.  

Still the dream haunts my heart because children and especially young children, very young children, seem to hold something I need, the wisdom of innocence and intuition and the ever new sense of wonder and creativity that shakes me out of depression, out of boredom, dissociation, hopelessness, feeling so alone and rejectable...  A pure love and like, kindness, openness, sweetness and gentle happiness, in all that they do, all they say,...  Well, until they have tantrums or can’t follow you and your feelings and your needs and you have to bend to the level of board books, the alphabet, nursery rhymes and terrible children’s shows that make you want to hang yourself, etc,...  Sigh.  No, no baby person am I, really,...  I feel as my daughter gets older, she gets less overflowing with newness, wonder, laughter, gentleness, and intuition and creativity.  It’s a natural part of all kids growing older.  I feel more sane and able to handle her, even though she still drives me up the wall often.  It’s like it’s such an ephemeral window of time when the ideal feelings of childhood are there, before nature sweeps the rug out from under your feet...  For me, anyway, who was never satisfied with life, human nature, my own nature and brain and emotions and moods that seem to be so far beyond my control and understanding of how to manage and maintain at a decent level...  Still I try to do what I can and I still try to hold on to and maintain and build up that hope that I can keep the childhood found, the feelings, the energy, enthusiasm, and wonder and creativity and innocence and the love and joy and all those things...  The pure expression of true self, unfiltered, unshamed, unconstrained, so I can feel alive...

Alive, still, even as things change and slow and calm and becomes less the constant overflowing, learning, changing wonder of young childhood...  The slower, calmer, less creative natural expression of an adult human animal, I guess...  Or at least, this one that I am.  I am not the ever changing, overflowing child.  I have so many stagnant and slow times that seem to be just part of me, and impact my emotions regardless of what I want or how hard I try to make myself feel and think differently.   The only thing that helps is young children, which also is the thing that drives me crazy if I have to deal with it too much...  So I thought, a job working with them?  But too many of them, or if they have issues that are too extreme, might be a disaster for me...  So what?  A babysitter?  No...  I think my daughter’s personality was special to me...  She is not like all other children...  And of course, she’s my daughter, who I shape as I try to, as I want to, and have impacted a lot, to be a child I can relate to far better than many kids her age, now...  And so what then?  Older kids?  Maybe, but not stereotypical boring school age stuff...  I don’t know.  I’ll see if I can find some work that might keep me in touch with inner child, grown up child so I don’t stagnate into feeling beyond life, like I’m too old and don’t fit the world, too young and don’t fit with other adults, either...  Just alien.  I’ll see, or maybe I can raise my daughter to be my friend and find other like minded people who relate, miraculously, to my childhood found world.  Maybe.  

All I can do anyway is take it simply one day at a time, I guess it is...  I will try to and to have hope all along the path.  Hope, creativity, and energy and action, as much as I can find, and faith and openness to solutions I might not yet see.