#there’ll be some tomorrow. there’s always a ton of stuff on weekends because no one wants to work weekends

[fingertipsmp3]

Going for a run when I don’t want to makes me feel like the most productive person alive idk

[deeisace]

ughhhhhhhhh

if i may ramble slightly

dysphoric as fuck tonight lads

like there’s no one specific thing i just really really want to start T as fast as possible

yknow?

i have a fucking year to wait

and i know a lot of folks have it a ton worse off than me, but that dunt say how i don’t feel shitty

i can’t words apparently, yknow what i mean

i already have waited a year since i finally decided like i’m gonna go to a doc an all that, which was all just more waiting and three times going to a vaguely shitty therapist

i don’t know if it was shitty cs the guy was shitty or cs i can’t words correctly or see tone or none a that so easy when i’m stressed

and i missed a call from my doctors like my gp on friday and the phoneline for them isn’t open til tomorrow and i’m dying what if it was really time sensitive or some bollocks

and also i’m terrible at actually making phone calls

it’s okay when i actually talk, generally, but forcing myself to press the call button is Not Gd

oh apparently there is one specific thing

my chest in particular can fuck the fuck off

except that wont happen for like two and a half years yet

and my voice kinda, except that it’s a bit scratchy cs i’m stressed and my ears/throat are the first things to go, except that i know it only sounds vaguely better cs i’m ill/stressed, and that it won’t properly sound vaguely like this for a very long time yet

and how i very definitely can’t properly predict what’ll happen on T neither prolly wrecks my head like well i know what i’ll look like eventually cs i look exactly like my dad anyway but shorter but the voice and the whole process of Things Happening idk what to expect and and and even tho i’m very sure i want this, i don’t what the this is that’ll happen, not exactly Exactly, yknow

and i think i’m stressed anyway, cs i’m Emotional As Fuck this week apparently, and i got a shitty mark on my research proposal (well, there wunt no mark, but my supervisor was like, change this and this and you need to fucking research everything a ton more otherwise it’ll be shitty etc etc) and i have to force myself to phone my doctor tomorrow and work then there’s also the quiz night tomorrow, with seven other people (including Adam, who i don’t know what to do about at all in any way or even if it’s a Thing but i’m probably gonna sit vaguely away from him and try not to be weird) in pub full of other people and i have to not cry about that but i said i’d go and i will have fun i’m sure of it except there’ll be people and i’ll be awkward and tired and weird

and then there’s just so much uni stuff that i don’t i don’t give a shit about it even tho i’m sposed to be so interested in all this stuff and i am sometimes but i can’t with the assignments and the actually turning up to lessons but i have to because this is important and i’ve spent so long on this i have to finish it even if to just leave it all behind i have to get this degree and i’m in so much debt i can’t have nothing to show even when i never do fuck all with it

and i’m missing the big party at my mum’s this weekend and seeing so many people i havent for years and my parents and my sister bcs i’ve ~got uni stuff to do~

and i haven’t had this much of a cry in a very long time

and i don’t know if i always feel like this in november because i don’t look after myself properly or if it’s an actual Thing cs i do always feel way better in the spring/summer than i do the winter and it’s always october/november that i start to feel this shit and around march that it kinda clears up

and there’s another thing to feel Anxious but Do Nothing about and i’m just gonna stop typing and Cry now okay? okay.