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Live! Fashion and beauty for women over 40 - sex, fashion and beauty for...

Dawn Gallagher​ and I interview Courtney Cleman from The V. Club.  We talk about life for women after 40, how to love your body after 40, sex and relationships over 40, how to deal with menopause naturally.

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5 Things You Should Know About Your Gynecologist Appointment

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It’s that time of year again! We’re going on a trip. No I’m not talking about your long overdue yearly vacation to Hawaii. I’m talking about your other yearly trip; to the gynecologist.

For many women the acronym OBGYN can be as off-putting as PMS. But it’s an important aspect of taking care of our health. Sometimes a woman may have had a bad experience with a doctor, and so they put off going to another one for many years.

There are numerous reasons for why and when a woman sees a gynecologist. Most commonly it’s for their yearly pap smear. I was 13 when I first had to see a gynecologist. I was experiencing irregular periods, which later doctors found out was caused by polycystic ovarian syndrome which I battled for many years.

For me, my OBGYN visits evolved from health issue as a young girl, then to sex, and then my regular yearly checkups. I’ve experienced many types of exams and seen many different OBGYNs. Some were wonderful and some were awful. 

Women’s attitudes towards their visits vary. Some express fear, while others find it relaxing. I asked several women recently about what they liked and didn’t like about going to the gynecologist. Their answers ranged from, “I feel like I’m going to accidentally close my legs in on the doctors head” to “It’s just so cold.” One woman commented, “My favorite thing about going to the gynecologist is weeks later when I get the results that everything is normal!”

We women are complicated creatures, aren’t we? Especially when it comes to the medical examination of our genitals. For example, why do most of us find it so important to shave our legs and fold our underwear so neatly before our gynecologist comes in the examination room? I don’t know if most of us fold our socks when seeing an orthopedic doctor.

For one reason or another, some women still just fear going to the doctor, and especially this doctor. But there are issues greater than just our sex lives to consider when needing to go visit a gynecologist. There could be problems brewing such as issues with our pelvic floor or an asymptomatic STD. In these cases, as with anything health related, seeing a doctor regularly to discuss any issues you have can put you on the road to stopping something greater from happening later on in life.

Fortunately for me, after having to see a gynecologist early in my life, I was pretty comfortable being able to talk to my OBGYN about almost anything when it came to my body. But for some women, there’s still so much anxiety that surrounds going to see this doctor.

Regardless of what your personal feelings about or experiences with gynecologists have been in the past, here are some tips for making sure your OBGYN visit is one you don’t have to dread.

Know What to Expect

If it’s your first time visiting an OBGYN, regardless of your age or reason, be sure to let your doctor know. If you’re nervous about what something might feel like, they will be able to put you at ease.

The first time I was examined as a young teen I was very nervous (as would anyone having something very shiny placed in their nether regions).  Relaxing our muscles and not clenching will make the exam less uncomfortable, which is why not being nervous is key. My first doctor kept telling me to relax and that I wouldn’t feel pain. She was also extra gentle.

Having other types of exams and procedures over the years, I always communicated any nerves to my doctor and their assurance that I’d feel fine was a huge assist to the experience. Our doctors are not there to hurt us. And a caring OBGYN will go that extra mile to make you feel as comfortable as they can when you’re experiencing something new.

Welcome the Difference in Doctor’s Attitude

If you had a not-so-great doctor who left you feeling frustrated or uncomfortable, don’t let that one person affect you finding the right doctor for you. Some doctors have a certain bedside manner that is off-putting. They are very well educated and experienced, but when it comes to connecting with patients they might as well be yelling at them in an ancient made-up alien language.

Some doctors, on the other hand, are so talkative and overly personable that you only end up spending thirty seconds talking about your issue and forgetting to address any other issues you may be experiencing.

I have experienced both of these scenarios as well as two gynecologists who were incredibly rude and made me feel bad about my body. But nevertheless, my health was important to me. How I felt as a woman was important. And once I found the right doctor, everything fell into place.

Choose the Right Sex of Doctor For You

Many women would argue the pros and cons of a female gynecologist versus a male gynecologist. Some women feel that only a woman doctor can relate to their issues because we share the same anatomy. While others feel male doctors might have more empathy for our issues since they don’t experience it themselves (i.e. sympathy when we’re on our periods).

No one is wrong in how they feel. Regardless of the sex of the doctor, it’s important that you feel comfortable with them and that you’re well treated. Communication is the most important thing with any doctor and especially when it comes to discussing an intimate topic like sex. So having someone you can be open with is key.

Stand Your Ground When Needed

If you’ve had a terrible experience with a certain treatment method such as a medication (I have gone through many birth control snafus in my day), it’s important that you be able to get your doctor to understand why you simply do not feel good about their suggested method.

There is a time to trust a doctor’s expertise and give something a try, but then there are times when you need to speak up about what you’re personally experiencing. Sometimes if a doctor has never used something (like a medication), they may only be treating the patient based off of the statistics on the effectiveness of a treatment. So while one medication might work and have no side effects for some women, you might be the exception. And if that’s true, then it’s up to you to stress why you’d like to find an alternative option. Let your voice be heard.

Laugh

Having your legs spread apart while a doctor sticks their head between them can seem incredibly awkward. For me, finding the humor in the situation to be extremely comforting.

I have a twisted sense of humor so many times I’ve cracked a joke prior to my doctor heading down there as an icebreaker and as a way to keep my own nerves at bay.

However, I suggest not making a joke (especially the laugh out loud kind) while your doctor is actually doing their thing, for obvious reasons. There’s no need for you to practice your standup routine while your doc is trying to focus with tools and hands inside you.

In life, a little humor never hurt anybody. Just don’t fart. Or do, just make sure your gas related humor is on point. And definitely apologize.

In Conclusion

My advice to you is have no fear when it comes to your OBGYN visits! No matter what age you are or what your reason is for visiting a gynecologist, feeling comfortable is crucial to a beneficial visit.

Don’t let negative past experiences or fears of the unknown deter you from taking your health seriously. Your doctor is there to help, and trust us, they’ve seen and heard it all. Countless times. As long as you don’t let one rip, you’re fine. Although come to think of it, they’ve likely had that one happen once or twice too.

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Perineum: His Secret Sex Zone

Photo by Ivana Cajina on Unsplash

Have you dared to explore this hidden and underrated (but very sensitive!) erogenous zone on a man?

The perineum is the area between a man’s scrotum and anus. It can be an important gateway to stimulating some of his most important erogenous zones (can you guess which one?).

The skin is thicker in this area, compared to other erogenous zones such as the frenulum and scrotum which require you to really pay attention to your man’s reactions as to not cause hypersensitivity. So with the perineum, you can apply much more pressure (with fingers or even knuckles!) on certain hotspots located on this area to give your guy one mind-blowing orgasm.

One of the biggest benefits to a man if a woman gives his perineum some much needed attention is stimulating his prostate from the outside. Prostate stimulation is still a taboo topic for a lot of couples. Many men turn it down despite its many health benefits because of the miseducation on why it’s done, how it’s done, and how pleasurable it can be. A prostate orgasm is one of the most intense orgasms a man can experience, yet many would rather stay away because of anxieties and stigma surrounding prostate massage.

Stimulating the perineum, especially during orgasm, can be a gateway to showing your guy how good these sensations can feel. And it can get him warmed up to the idea of giving prostate stimulation through penetration a try!

Want to learn ways to stimulate the perineum and discover why it can make a man feel like he’s entered another planet of pleasure? In our masterclass Men By Design, we’ll show you how! The more you know, the more you’ll discover.

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6 Ways to Get in the Mood When You’re Not

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

How often do you find yourself not in the mood to have sex?

It’s a common misperception that women most often utter “I’m just not in the mood tonight.” Based on my conversations with women that come to The V. Club, for many couples it’s actually the men who want less sex.

Sexual receptivity – saying Yes when your partner wants to get frisky – is one of the key predictors of relationship satisfaction and longevity. Whether it’s due to mismatched sex drives or relationship issues, if one partner is “not in the mood” often enough, it can cause serious if not irreparable damage to the relationship over time.

Let’s get to the bottom of why it’s happening and what you can do to be up for sex more often.

Is it the issues in your relationship?

If you’re finding yourself not in the mood often, first ask yourself if you could be unhappy with your relationship. I don’t mean bored sexually, but unhappy for non-sexual reasons. Perhaps you are not feeling heard or understood? There are many reasons why you could be feeling dissatisfied. Whatever the reason, it’s important to explore how you can get to a better place.

I recommend seeing a sex and relationship coach or therapist. They can help you get clear on what’s happening between you and your partner out of the bedroom. Once that’s fixed, then you can fix things in the bedroom.

Got a great partner, but you’re still not in the mood?

What if you often find yourself saying “Not tonight. I have a headache, honey,” when you have a partner who listens to you, shows you affection and who is your sexual match?

Sex is the glue that holds a romantic partnership together. So, in a long-term relationship with a compatible partner, let’s re-think things before we say, “I’m not in the mood.”

Here are 3 common reasons why you might not be feeling up for sex as often as you you’d like, along with 6 mindset shifts and other tricks that you can use to get yourself in the mood fast. 

Too tired for sex? Try a positive re-frame or…just go for it anyway.

You had a long day. The only thing you want to do is crawl into bed and zone out on Netflix. I get it. This is me most nights!

Here’s a positive re-frame….You know when exercise can actually give us energy? Same is true for sex-ercise! We may be feeling drained, but remember that sex is a life-giving act that can revive our spirit and put color in our cheeks.

The truth is, most of us women are not often in the mood…at first. But did you know that for many of us, the way it works in a long-term relationship is we get in the mood only after we start fooling around with our partner?

Check out Emily Nagoski’s bestselling book Come As You Are to understand the various ways that arousal can work. If you’re beating yourself up because you’re in a great relationship but no longer feel spontaneously aroused by your longterm partner, this book can help you feel better and more aroused.

Confucius said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I say, “A journey towards a good orgasm begins with a single sexy kiss.”

Got a lot on your mind? Let your worries out.

Thinking of the sheer size of my college debt, my parents visit in 2 days, the dog needs to go to the vet, and I have cellulite on my stomach!

Maybe you need to vent before you can focus solely on the sins of the flesh. If you have a partner who can listen and hold you while you ‘get it out,’ chances are you will be ready to go afterwards and it may be better than ever. (Maybe leave out your woes over your cellulite!)

If you don’t like to vent to your partner, find a girlfriend or a diary, but bottom line is “GET IT OUT!” This will free you up to be present when you have sex later.

Just not feeling sexy? These 3 tips will help.

So, maybe you have dimples on the wrong set of cheeks or maybe even on your stomach. #cellulite

Your inner critic is raging at you about your looks. Guess what? Guys usually don’t care about the bodily things that we care about as long as they can see we are hungry for sex with them. This is one of the 4 key factors that determine his excitement and the strength of his orgasm during sex, actually.

Check out our masterclass Men by Design to get the other 3 key factors and learn how to be great in bed without ever worrying about how you look.

In the meantime, here are a few quick fixes for feeling sexier, even if you have to fake it until you make it. Put on some sexy lingerie and put down your to-do list. Also consider popping in some kegel balls (aka ben wa balls or vaginal balls) for 15 or more minutes before you start having sex. You could be doing anything while the balls do their thing – they will make you feel aroused and ready even while you cook dinner.

Let’s re-cap! Here are 6 things you can do that will get you in the mood:

1) Positive re-frame: Sex will give me energy. 2) Start fooling around when you’re not feeling like it and see if you get into it after a few minutes. 3) Let your worries out to someone who will listen. 4) Forget about your imperfect body for a second. It’s in your head, not his. 5) Put on something sexy to make you feel sexy. 6) Pop in some kegel balls to make yourself more aroused.

Remember, while you are ‘not in the mood,’ life is passing you by in terms of pleasure, sexual self-expression and orgasm. The glue to your relationship could be weakening. You deserve to desire…. Now, go! Get in the mood!

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You Have to Know This One Thing to Meet Your Sexual Soulmate

Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash

Do you want to meet your sexual soulmate? This article will show you how to find them. But first, let me ask you a question: Are you like the many women who don’t feel comfortable opening up about what they want in bed?

Based on what I’ve seen in my practice, there are two reasons for it. The obvious reason is it can feel embarrassing telling someone about your deepest fantasies and desires, as it requires you to feel vulnerable and opens you up to judgement.

The second and less obvious reason has to do with your set of beliefs around the existence of your ‘sexual soulmate’ who is a natural match for all your sexual needs and desires.

So if your partner is missing the mark on how you like it in bed, you might decide that they are simply not your sexual soulmate. This might lead you to think that there’s no point talking to them about sex. So instead of actually doing something to make your sex life better, you decide to just resign yourself to having a so-so sex life with this person.

Let’s dig a bit deeper to see how this set of beliefs could be denying you relationship satisfaction and how you can shift your mindset to finally meet your sexual soulmate and achieve that amazing sex life that you want.

Are you confusing sexual chemistry with sexual compatibility?

Sexual chemistry or spark is definitely a thing. Many people feel the spark — that feeling of being naturally drawn to someone physically — within just minutes of meeting them.

So the spark or chemistry can seem like destiny indeed. We don’t have much control over it. For most of us, either we feel it toward someone, or we don’t. I consider the spark as one of the foundational blocks of a passionate lasting relationship.

However, just feeling the spark doesn’t guarantee that you will have natural sexual compatibility. Sure, the spark will make sex exciting the first few times you do it, but once the shine of newness wears off, you could find yourself thinking that your partner is just so-so in bed.

Many people confuse feeling the sparks of sexual chemistry with sexual compatibility.

Sexual compatibility is something entirely different. It develops through communication: If you meet someone with whom you feel the spark, you should be able to communicate your way to a fantastic sex life with them.

You have to understand this to meet your sexual soulmate.

Here goes: There is no such thing as a ‘sexual soulmate’ who is a perfect match for all your sexual needs and desires.

Our sexual preferences and desires are highly individual, and the odds of meeting someone who knows exactly what you like and can read your mind in bed is like meeting the Mel Gibson character in What Women Want.

What is very realistic is finding a partner that you have sexual chemistry with, and who is open to hearing all your sexual needs and desires, and wants to reciprocate and share all of his with you.

Believing in sexual soulmates can be very detrimental to your sexual satisfaction and relationship success. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who believe in the existence of a ‘sexual soulmate’ report lower sexual satisfaction than those couples who believe that good sex comes from communication and working at it.

If you believe in sexual soulmates, I hope this article gave you a new perspective on communicating your way to better sex.

Another way of looking at it is that you can actually teach someone to be your sexual soulmate. It doesn’t have to take a long time either, but don’t expect it to happen overnight.

This mindset shift can dramatically change how you approach sex and elevate your level of sexual satisfaction for the rest of your life. I’ve seen it work in my own relationships and in the lives of the women who I’ve worked with.

Now how do you teach someone to be your sexual soulmate?

Well, there are three essential elements to talking about sex with your partner: choosing the right language, the way you say it, and the best time to have this conversation. Getting any one of these three elements wrong can have a dramatic impact on your partner’s confidence, your sex life going forward, and your overall relationship. Get the communication right and you will meet you sexual soulmate.

If you’d like to know more about what we offer at The V. Club, please visit our website at www.thevclub.com and reach out to us at hello@thevclub.com. 

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Are Your Sexual Fantasies Normal?Our Talk with Renowned Psychologist Justin Lehmiller, PhD

Everyone has sexual fantasies, and for most people, they are a source of guilt, shame, and repression. Why? Because we naturally assume that our sexual fantasies are not normal, that few people, if anyone else, shares them, and that our partners will ostracize us if we reveal our deep desires. In heterosexual relationships, the partners can feel additional shame and guilt by assuming that there is a big difference between men and women’s sexual fantasies, and so there is little chance your partner can relate to your fantasy.

Last week, The V. Club had the pleasure of exploring this topic with renowned psychologist, educator and sex science researcher Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. when we hosted him for a very special talk. It was an intimate discussion of his research findings and most recent book, Tell Me What You Want, about what is normal when it comes to sexual fantasies and how to communicate them to our partners.

As part of the talk, we were given notecards and invited to jot down on our one of our biggest sexual fantasies along with any questions we might have regarding sex and relationships. Dr. Lehmiller then shuffled through our fantasies and read a few aloud. So what did we learn from this activity beyond the fact that more than 2 of us fantasize about sex on the beach?

Well, in fact, we learned that we weren’t too special! Most of our fantasies fell into one of three consistent themes that Dr. Lehmiller has identified in his research on the subject:

1) BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism) 2) Threesomes and Group Sex 3) Novelty (Doing something different outside of the sexual routine like a different position, activity or location.)

Indeed, Dr. Lehmiller’s research findings suggest that many of us fantasize about very similar things. Moreover, Men’s and women’s sexual fantasies do not differ as much as one would think. So yes, your sexual fantasies are most likely very normal and shared by many people around you (including your partner).

We also discussed the best way to reveal our sexual fantasies to our sexual partners. It’s one of the most vulnerable disclosures you could make, and requires taking a calculated risk and understanding the possible consequences. For example, it’s possible that once you open up about your fantasies, your partner will feel emboldened to open up about theirs, which could potentially upset you should your partner express a fantasy that makes you uncomfortable or jealous in some way (such as if they fantasize about being with someone else).

Dr. Lehmiller advised starting small and with those fantasies that you think your partner may also be interested in. Now how do you actually open up to your partner? Dr. Lehmiller asked for audience participation on this and a few ideas from attendees included introducing your fantasy as a dream you had or saying that you got this sexual fantasy from an article that you read. Whatever cheeky story you choose, make sure to couch it as an idea to try something slightly different with your partner that will make your already great sex life with them even better.

The final portion of this fascinating conversation was a Q&A where Dr. Lehmiller answered our question using science-based evidence on topics ranging from the phenomenon of female squirting and the challenges of female orgasms to asking why some men send unsolicited dick pics, which happens to be the subject of Dr. Lehmiller’s latest research project. (We can’t wait for the results of that one!)

I’d like to applaud Dr. Lehmiller’s brave research on this historically taboo topic and for gathering scientific evidence that most of us are not sexual deviants but in fact completely and utterly human. I’d also like to acknowledge the women and men who took a risk and showed up to this talk to learn more on this vulnerable topic, not to mention the people who participated in Dr. Lehmiller’s study. Without you, we couldn’t have this kind of conversation that usually gets shooshed.

I hope this article helps you realize that having sexual fantasies is normal, and your sexual fantasies are probably more normal than you think. If you want to get a better understanding of your sexual fantasies, how your fantasies compare to others, what some of the best ways are to communicate your fantasies to your partner, and which fantasies might be best left as fantasies rather than be fulfilled, pick up a copy of Tell Me What You Want.

If you’d like to know more about what we offer at The V. Club, please visit our website at www.thevclub.com and reach out to us at hello@thevclub.com.

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The One Secret to Staying in Love

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“How do you make a relationship last? What’s the secret to staying in love?”

If only it were that easy! Staying in love takes work on both sides with each partner giving 100% to the relationship. While every couple is different, there is 1 MAJOR secret that you can adopt right now that will help make the passion last.

Meet the 3 As: Affection. Attention. Appreciation.

The 3 As are significant because they all serve the same concept, how we make our partner feel loved.

Let’s consider for a moment how your relationship is like a houseplant. It needs tender love and care. When we first pot our plant, we are enchanted with it. We are excited to water it and dote on it, and make sure it gets enough sun.

As time goes on however​, the plant becomes a part of our home and we grow used to it. So sometimes we may forget to water it and attend to it. Will our plant stay healthy, fresh and vibrant? No, unfortunately, it will start to wilt.

We don’t want our relationship to wilt, right? The 3 As are a great way to reverse the wilting process or prevent it altogether.

Find little ways throughout the day to give affection to your partner, like a kiss on the cheek or a touch on his arm when he’s telling you about your day.

Show your attentiveness when he’s excited to tell you a story by giving him your full attention instead of looking at your phone.

Show your appreciation for him by thanking him for doing a small favor for you.

These small acts of TLC are the secrets to building a long-lasting and fruitful relationship.