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sepublic · 4 years

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Lilith’s Recovery

Rambling on how Lilith could begin her road to recovery in Season 2; Get this lady some friends and people in her life that AREN’T Eda, please! For her entire life, Lilith has constantly narrowed down her vision to only herself and Eda, and everything she does or views about herself is more or less in relation to Eda- Be it being better than Eda, being weaker as penance for the curse, curing Eda of the curse, Eda’s disconnect from the Emperor’s Coven is clearly about her feelings towards Lilith and not the system, paying only attention to how Eda is affected and not everybody else…

The woman has constantly used Eda as a litmus test for, well, just about everything. Lilith needs to learn that there’s more to life than Eda, that she can make other friends besides Eda… She needs to learn some independence, because it seems like she doesn’t know how to function as her own person. Lilith is always latching onto someone… In the end, helping teach Lilith to make new friends, to form active connections and expand her support network- That’s a good thing!

Lilith needs to learn not to compare herself to Eda so much… Nor compare herself to anyone else, for that matter! The Coven System is toxic in part because it’s always comparing individuals and attempting to sort them out into some sort of hierarchy, instead of letting people exist as they are, unique in their own way but not necessarily better! Obviously Lilith has her own things she wants to be good at, of course…

Which gets me onto another point! Get this girl some hobbies. Get this girl any activities that aren’t solely about Eda, let Lilith learn to enjoy herself on her own, and with other people. Let Lilith recognize that she can enjoy life without necessarily needing the approval of this ONE person, even if she shouldn’t completely disregard them either (unless they’re a total asshole like Belos). And, I think it’d help to get Lilith to find hobbies and things to do that aren’t necessarily useful or pragmatic –even if she definitely has to help with chores too- because the Coven System, again… It tells kids that their interests aren’t valid unless they serve some sort of pragmatic use, that kids need to constantly focus on being useful, and not just being happy with themselves- That they need to actively justify their passions in life!

I’m sure Lilith would LOVE to simplify the answer of what do with her own existence, by devoting herself completely to Eda and the others… But in the end, it’s not going to truly fix things. She needs to learn to live for herself, to just enjoy things withut having to justify herself for it. That isn’t to say whatever hobbies she finds can’t be useful, because I don’t want to place any limitations on her either… And similarly, that doesn’t mean Lilith shouldn’t help at all, period, especially since she definitely has a lot of damage she needs to repair. But she needs to learn that once the damage has been dealt with, she’s allowed to simply just exist on her own. In general, I think just emotionally healing Lilith, helping build up her sense of self-worth and confidence, making her happier… I think it’ll be a decent catalyst for character development, because one doesn’t do terrible things –at least not usually- because they’re in a good mood and aren’t questioning themselves.

Similarly, getting to know other people can expand and broaden Lilith’s worldview, and teach her not to be apathetic to others. She needs to see that her consequences have actions not JUST with Eda, but other people, like Amity, Luz, King, etc. An apology here or there would help, but Lilith also needs to recognize and admit how messed-up the Coven System is, the corruption and wrongdoings of Belos, etc. For decades, Eda couldn’t truly reconcile with Lilith because of her support and enforcement of a horrible system… She didn’t know about the curse until VERY recently! Lilith needs to see and acknowledge the decisions that Eda made, that she has her own agency and that Lilith isn’t entitled to everything her sister does.

Just as Lilith shouldn’t devote everything to Eda, Eda shouldn’t do the same vice-versa. Eda DID love Lilith, but she has more to her life than just her sister, and can’t dedicate all of her actions and time to helping Lilith. It doesn’t have to be just the two girls VS the world, there a lot of people willing to extend a hand to help, and there are plenty of hands that Lilith and Eda have to offer themselves. Lilith needs to recognize that just as she herself is personally at fault for a lot of things (even if the system certainly didn’t help), Eda also had plenty of agency herself… And by recognizing the power of agency, Lilith can learn to appreciate the ability to make a choice to be better, and do good things.

Really, it seems like the girl has torn herself down too much, beneath her mask of pride and supposed superiority! Making someone feel way worse isn’t going to teach them to constructively fix things, it seems- That’s just destructive. One should focus instead on building up Lilith as a character, telling her that she messed up but also that she can at least work to repair things… Like Luz with Amity, she can fix this- Maybe not her own, maybe together with others? At the very least, Lilith can choose to stop doing bad things- That’s a good start and she seems to have begun THAT at least!

It also helps to better hammer it into Lilith’s head, that she needs to confront issues, or at least acknowledge them… That sweeping things under the rug isn’t going to help. You can’t be a coward forever… Lilith needs to recognize the ugly truth of situations before she can improve upon them, or else accept them- Otherwise she only has herself to blame for quietly suffering. And while obviously if Lilith DOES make mistakes and relapse here or there, and she should still give herself some room for forgiveness, it’s ultimately for the chance to make things right, and NOT keeping making mistakes, or at least fix the effects of past ones. Lilith is going to have to be a lot more considerate about things…

And, I know I said it before- But I think some interactions with King would be great! I wouldn’t be shocked if he continued to be more open and receptive to Lilith for a wide number of reasons… But it’s not out of the question for him to maintain hostility, as he was ALSO critical of himself for the same mistakes he saw in Lilith, not to mention Lilith WAS technically ‘on the other side’, did worse, and isn’t literal physical danger. I think with King, Lilith could learn to vent and acknowledge her own darker feelings and insecurities, maybe recognize that she’s not a complete monster for having them… And from there, actually work on these things! King knows what the road looks like, he can give Lily a lot of guidance on whether or not she’s messing up or relapsing, about being honest with how you feel… Learning that you don’t have to be above others nor compare yourself, etc.

Again, a lot of this is King’s choice as well- He doesn’t exactly owe Lilith anything. While he could definitely help A LOT with Lilith, I feel… He’s also allowed to bear a grudge, too. Or, at least not want to put in the effort to ‘fix’ Lilith… It’s important for Lilith to recognize that trying to make up for things doesn’t erase them and that lingering feelings are valid. But at the same time, it doesn’t HAVE to be hopeless… And even if it is, well. You still have other connections to maintain, more connections to make if you wanted… And on your own, one is a worthwhile individual as-is.

Maybe when the dust has somewhat settled, perhaps we can see Lilith air a grievance or two, because even if she HAS messed up a lot, that doesn’t mean she has zero judgment and nothing to offer… If Eda was too harsh in the past in her own way (not that it would remotely justify the curse), maybe it’d help Lilith AND Eda, for Lilith to bring this up as another reason as to her crippling insecurity. Eda is receptive, she’s willing to learn from Luz who’s merely fourteen, she knows that she alone does not hold all of the knowledge in the world…

And while obviously Lilith is a lot more sus as a formerly-blind enforcer of the Emperor’s Coven, I wouldn’t be shocked if Eda blamed herself a little for not ‘rescuing’ her sister… For not leading Lilith down the right path alongside her, or at least away from blind devotion to Belos of all people. But I think if Eda had her moments of imperfection that could’ve contributed to Lilith’s poor decisions, then that should be addressed, at least for Lilith AND Eda’s good, so Eda can better understand what happened with her sister and how to avoid this again, be it with Lilith or anyone else.

Obviously Lilith has a lot of personal culpability amidst the system making things worse… But I think it’d be good for both sisters, for Eda to at least understand a grievance or two of Lilith’s. That neither is necessarily perfect, and not ‘better’ than the others… (Granted I don’t blame Eda for proclaiming superiority back when Lilith implied her own inferiority as justification for using Luz as a hostage, that seemed more in retaliation than a genuine belief- And let’s be real, she WAS better in the sense that serving the EC is objectively bad).

It’s interesting to me. I think Lilith needs to recognize/learn where she’s good at, in her own things, in her own way… Maybe not necessarily that she’s better at some things than Eda is. Granted, it’s easy to tell Lilith not to compare herself and be happy with who she is, when one is at the top… Lilith still DOES have legitimate insecurity. And it might not be just enough, nor healthy, to simply have her be ‘resigned’ to being worse… Because again, nobody is better or worse, we’re all equal here. Though, it’s worth noting that even if Eda WAS better than Lilith, that doesn’t mean Eda should actively hinder herself just for Lilith’s own feelings, that’s not fair to Eda... Especially since Eda low-key already held herself back in the past, to let Lilith into the Emperor’s Coven. Eda should be allowed to pursue the full scope of things she enjoys to the fullest, without worrying about holding herself down to Lilith’s level, just for Lilith’s sake. Plus, Lilith was already better than most (she became Head of the Emperor’s Coven after all), it just apparently wasn’t enough to be among the best- She had to be THE best, or at least better than Eda, which ties back to what I said about Lilith to narrowing her existence and worldview to just the two of them.

Lilith can still compete with Eda like old times, but in a healthy sense… That her entire self-worth isn’t based on it. That she’s still good at other things. And I think maybe Eda needs to step back for a moment, and help reassure Lily of this… That she never thought lesser of her for being ‘weaker’ (or at least she won’t anymore), that her issue came from Lilith being a covenscout and hurting actual people. But still, Lilith is also her own person who is unique and has her own individual worth, she isn’t ‘replaceable’ and she needs to recognize how she accomplishes this… Be it through whatever emotional connections she can provide and receive from others, her own personal interests and skills, etc.

I don’t expect the road to recovery to be linear, ideal, nor efficient. Not that it CAN’T be, but these characters ARE just like the rest of us in that they’re not perfect and just trying their best. Amidst shenanigans, plot-events, and maybe having to be pragmatic and make Lilith be useful now and then… Well, they say progress isn’t linear. I suppose that could mean that there is no one, right path to recovery and character development. The cast may not get to immediately address Lilith in a super-efficient, meaningful manner, stuff may just happen… But at least an effort should be made, and that alone can be good. The fact that you’re trying means a lot in the end.

#the owl house #owl house #the owl house lilith #lilith clawthorne #speculation #analysis #meta

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revlyncox · 3 years

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Always Becoming

The changing of the seasons reminds us of the seasons and cycles of life. We are always becoming who we are. This was written by Rev. Lyn Cox for the Spring Festival at the Washington Ethical Society (4/18/2021) and references the story of Demeter and Persephone.

We are always becoming who we are. Two weeks ago, I spoke a little about what that means for us on a community level. And community is an important part of identity. As Kenyan-born philosopher John Mbiti wrote in African Religions and Philosophy (1975) with respect to the concept of Ubuntu: “I am because we are, and since we are, therefore I am.” We are always becoming, partly because the communities of which we are a part are always becoming.

Today, I’m going to talk a little about some of the experiences that move our process of becoming in new directions. These might be things that we think of as individual experiences, yet I think they are also communal, and I think the line between individual and communal might be fuzzier than some of us were led to believe. The experiences we’ll talk a little about today are things like grief, longing, rage, curiosity, hope, and love. We will keep exploring those things our whole lives, and I’ll need to be relatively brief today, because we want to make sure to have time to celebrate life with a Baby Naming ceremony after the regular Platform.

Grieving feels especially relevant today. In the WES community, we’re grieving for some of our members, and we are particularly heartbroken for our beloveds who have lost a loved one recently due to trauma. Nationally, we’re still reeling from the anti-Asian violence that claimed eight lives in Atlanta, and then that grief was compounded by the tone of the trial of Derek Chauvin and our renewed grief for George Floyd, and then that grief was compounded by the deaths of 20-year-old Daunte Wright and 13-year-old Adam Toledo at the hands of police, and then our grief was compounded again by the deaths of eight people at a FedEx facility in Indianapolis, four of them members of the Sikh faith. The grief can be overwhelming, especially for those among us who see a reflection of close friends or family or selves in those who have died.

Grief is part of what makes us who we are. By sharing that experience of grief in community, we can bear witness to the people and the hopes that have been lost. There are some who think grief needs to be hidden, that it’s unseemly to be so human in public. Yet when the losses are so profound, how else can we honor life except to cry out.

At the Revolutionary Love online conference this weekend, grief has been a big theme. Micky ScottBey Jones and Rabbi Sharon Brous had a conversation on Thursday on just this topic, and it’s been a continuing thread on some of the other panels I’ve been able to catch. Micky ScottBey Jones spoke about grief for her mother who died of COVID and grief over mass violence and grief over what’s been lost due to health disparities and racist systems, she said, “Grief opens up our imagination and bolsters our courage.”

I think what she was saying is that when we feel and express our mourning together, the seeming impossibility of continuing with life becomes possibility. Maybe not right away. Shock and numbness might come first. But, together, we have a collective capacity that transforms us, that makes it possible to gather the energy to return to life.

Rabbi Sharon Brous responded that “public grief is an act of rebellion against the world as it is, because we are not willing to forget.” Brous noted that there are deep roots in her Jewish faith drawn from collective experiences of trauma, grief, truth-telling, and adaptation. From the transformation of Judaism from a Temple-focused culture to a diaspora culture, to survival through various pogroms, Brous remembered that there is grief woven into everything, but that doesn’t stop the existence of life and joy.

Jones went on to observe that we cycle through mourning, lamentation, truth-telling, and rebuilding. All of those things are part of the continuance of life, the re-imagining of life. We learn and we teach truth in the process of public grief. We figure out together what happens next in adapting and rebuilding because of how we form and strengthen relationships in the process of public grief.

Grief is part of who we are, it is part of our process of becoming. Grief is not all of who we are in the long run, though it might feel like our whole world in some moments. This is something that we might overlook about the story of Demeter and Persephone. Demeter’s public grief and rage, and the way her mourning brings the entire economy of her mythological world to a halt, feels true. A story where life eventually goes on -- radically different from what had come before, but it goes on -- that feels true. Persephone being called to comfort and lead the souls of the underworld, but not knowing what to say to them until she got in touch with her own grief, that feels true.

Our story this morning is about grief, but it’s not only about grief. It’s also about re-orienting ourselves and our communities. It’s about the power of love to find a solution that subverted rules of division. It’s about entering into a new way of being, even when we don’t know what that new way is going to look like in its fullness.

Grief is one thing that urges the characters in the story to continue with the process of becoming, but it’s not the only thing. Beauty and longing are also forces in the story. In some versions, Hades takes Persephone to the underworld without her consent, yet even in those versions, she finds beauty in roots and jewels and pomegranate seeds; even in those versions, she is transformed into a queen. In the version I shared this morning, Persephone chooses to follow beauty and curiosity. She continues on her journey through uncertainty. If we can stay with this version of the story for a moment, it leads me to wonder what calls us forward to become the people we can become with authenticity and ethical values.

Curiosity seems to be a powerful force for becoming. Sometimes we try things, not knowing what will happen next. That’s been what a lot of the last year has been like. Moving together through the next year will be more experimentation. We will try some things, and then try some more things. Let’s travel on that journey together in the spirit of adventure and curiosity rather than perfectionism. My hope is that our curiosity will involve open hearts as well as open minds, Let’s be curious about how the people around us are feeling, what’s lifting us up, and how we can show up for one another.

Beauty is another thing that calls us forward, and I’m grateful for the beauty of spring that is providing some comfort and counterpoint in these difficult days. For me, the progression of snowdrops to daffodils to cherry blossoms to strawberry blossoms has helped me to keep track of the days, to remember that there is a past and a future, and that more growth is ahead. The music offered today is yet more beauty, more reason to remember that we are better together, more inspiration to find centering and peace. Perhaps some of us are hanging on, awaiting the possibility of encountering the beauty of a loved one’s face in person, or the beauty of art, or the beauty of a home-grown tomato. Beauty is something that can call us forward, can motivate us to continue becoming the people we could be.

One more thing that feels relevant right now about the journey of becoming is the role of building relationships, both strengthening current relationships and being open to new ones. Last night, one of the panels of the online Revolutionary Love Conference was about Lessons Learned in Ferguson, convened by my colleague James Croft from the Ethical Society of St. Louis and three of his local St. Louis interfaith colleagues about how their community came together after the murder of Michael Brown. Koach Baruch (KB) Frazier, a Jewish activist and drummer, and the Rev. Dietra Wise Baker both spoke about moments when music brought together activists with different viewpoints and who had been through harrowing circumstances, and how their ability to come together was built on the hospitality of leaders in the interfaith community. Making a place of sanctuary in their buildings, being invited into each other’s homes, being concerned with each other’s wellbeing, all of those things made it possible to organize for change and make meaning. Rev. Erin Counihan on the same panel talked about being brand new at her congregation, and deciding to show up for an interfaith meeting, even though she didn’t know what her role would be or what the plan was or what might happen. She talked about confronting her whiteness, including the attachment to certainty that goes with whiteness, and emphasizing relationships over plans. KB Frazier added that people had to unlearn their perceptions of others with different identities and from different communities, because all people have dignity and it is important to leave stereotypes at the door when everyone is together in striving for liberation. James said that whenever nonsense is going on in St. Louis, there is already a community of people who are trained, supercharged, and ready to respond together. Something in Ferguson, something in the larger St. Louis community, something all over the world, was and is ready for change. And the way it was and is going to change, is (at least in part) about relationships.

All of this reminded me of the Washington Ethical Society and our relationship with the Washington Interfaith Network (WIN). Something that is different about building power in a coalition like WIN than working with other organizations on a particular issue is the place of relationships. There are encounters where it doesn’t seem like there is a plan, or it’s not clear what our individual roles might be, or where our preferred way to do things might not prevail. Staying in relationship anyway matters. Power is built not only in the victories, not only in the visible parts of the protests, not only in the legislative visits, but also in the trust that grows from people who show up for each other in the absence of certainty. Power is built around drum circles and kitchen tables and solving mundane problems. We as individuals and as a community are always becoming, our community of communities is always becoming, DC and its environs and all of our neighborhoods are always becoming because we are drawn forward by relationships.

The power to care for one another effectively works the same way. We have some current and recent examples of people taking care of each other within the WES community, but it’s not new. There has not been a moment since I arrived when we didn’t have a meal train or a check-in plan or greeting cards going out to someone. Grief and struggle are facts. But we don’t have to face them alone. Put aside conflict and tension and gossip and arguments about the right way to do things or the right words to use. Take care of each other and let other people take care of you. Being in a values-centered community can bring out the best because we want to be our best for each other, not because of patronizing efforts to teach or reform others. Love is what makes the whole thing work.

People are always changing. Communities are always changing. There are things we can pay attention to, things we can nurture, that move us toward becoming who we could be, who we hope to be. We pay attention to the communal experience of grief, because feeling the reality of that grief leads us to human connection, truth-telling, and the drive for a re-imagined future. We pay attention to curiosity, which leads us to be courageous when we don’t know what might happen next. We pay attention to beauty. Beauty helps us to find peace and meaning, and energizes us for the journey onward. We pay attention to relationships, because who we are always has a context. We may not be able to control the changes that accompany loss, risk, and the onward progression of seasons, but we don’t have to go through those changes alone.

We are always becoming who we are. May we join together with others in such a way that we grow into the best version of who we could be, authentically and fully ourselves while still true to our values and ready to be part of a re-imagined future.

May it be so.

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ahrorha · 3 years

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Flame of Winter

Chapter 33

“I secluded myself.” Solas continued. “The other Evanuris thought I gave up and left me alone. I went to one of my palaces deep in the mountains, where now Skyhold stands. I hid there, trying to find a way to stop and punish the Evanuris. I couldn't defeat them on my own. To punish them, I knew I first had to weaken them. To achieve that, I had to take away their magic, their greatest source of power. So I formed the Veil, severing this world from the Fade. I created a prison within the Fade itself, locking them away for eternity. A fitting punishment for their misdeeds. I thought that with the Evanuris gone and the Fade hidden away, the People would finally be free.”

“I knew that in creating the Veil, life for the elves would change forever, but it was better than the alternative. The Evanuris were tearing the world apart and had to be stopped. I hoped that despite the lack of the comfort magic provided, the People would be safe. I hoped they would adapt, prosper and begin anew. But I was wrong.”

“By creating the Veil, I destroyed their world. Not only were countless marvels we had created destroyed, but it changed the very essence of the Elvhen themselves. The legends are wrong; it wasn't the arrival of humans that caused the beginning of ageing. It was me. The Veil took everything from the elves, even their immortality and their deep connection with magic.”

Eirlana shook her head. “Solas...”

“Don't.” he interrupted her. “You know how many elves exist today that have no idea what magic is. Something that should be a part of us. The essence of our very nature has all but gone. And I took it from them. In a sense, I made them all tranquil.”

She could see how responsible Solas felt, and he was. By creating the Veil, he had changed everything. But that didn't mean he was responsible for everything that happened afterwards. It also didn't explain why Solas was here now.

“What happened to you after you created the Veil? I saw in a memory in the Fade how your followers were persecuted. They were searching for you.”

“I was exhausted afterwards. Creating the Veil all but depleted my powers. I went into uthenera at a secret location. I could only sleep and watch as millennia went by. Although I had succeeded in stopping the destruction of the Fade and world, I didn't succeed in guiding the People into a new life.”

“It didn't take long before new wars erupted, fuelled by loyalists of the Evanuris. They tried to take control in an effort to fill the void left behind by the disappearance of the Evanuris. I had left instructions for my followers and allies to rebuild and guide the People into a better future, but they were ignored. Soon they were captured and killed for aiding me, as were all the others who were loyal to me. When the humans arrived, there was nothing left, and my name was all but a curse.”

“With the arrival of the humans came a new player to the Game. Demons and dragon queens, that were also affected by the separation of Fade and the waking world, preyed on them. They whispered to the humans that were talented with magic. Through dreams, they shared knowledge and secrets in an effort to reclaim what they had lost.”

“Strengthened by magic, it didn't take long for the humans to fuel the flames of destruction that I had created. War broke out between the humans and elves, and I could do nothing but watch as Arlathan was destroyed and Elvhenan fell. I witnessed how the elves were once again enslaved by the thousands and how our entire culture was destroyed.”

“When Andraste led her rebellion against the Tevinter Empire centuries later, there was almost nothing left. The elves only remembered vague legends and stories of Elvhenan. But they managed to build a new realm in the Dales after being freed, only to be brought down again by the exalted march. It wasn't solely the humans that brought down the elves but a combination of pride, fear, anger, greed and superiority on both sides. But that didn't matter for the end result. The elves were diminished once again. What was left of the People was either forced to live in human society's outskirts or wanders the lands like nomads with no place to call home, clinging to a past based on lies and stories. Wherever you look, it is the same; the elves are nowhere welcome and seen as lesser beings not worthy of a safe, normal life. They are blamed for everything, if it is disease, famine or unrest. With no rights, they cling to a meagre existence in poverty.”

Solas clasped his hands behind his back and looked at Eirlana. “When I finally awoke from uthenera, nothing I knew had survived. To me, the world and the elves existing nowadays are almost unrecognisable. The magic that once permeated everything has faded to a fraction of what once was. It felt like I made the world tranquil.”

“What did you do?”

“I regained consciousness slowly and weakened. One doesn't simply wake up after thousands of years. At first, I contacted a few of my followers through dreams. They had survived the turmoil of the ages. Either by staying hidden or like me waking up from uthenera. They were my eyes and ears throughout Thedas, and I learned about the people living now, the groups that are in power and the different cultures that exist today.”

“As my body recovered, I wandered the lands and saw with my own eyes how far the elves had fallen. I also discovered that the Veil I had created millennia ago had weakened considerably. It had degraded with the pacing of time, and many places showed signs of cracks and weak-spots. I feared it would eventually collapse entirely. But with the state the Veil was in, it would be a chaotic process. Some places would collapse sooner than others and would create a chaotic imbalance in the Fade itself. Not to mention the chaotic state the world would face during the ages it would take for the Veil to disappear entirely.”

“So I thought the best cause of action was to remove the Veil all at once.”

“But that would mean....” Eirlana stammered.

“Yes, the world would be plummeted in chaos all at once, but I thought it better to have a relatively brief period of chaos than wait decades of turmoil that would bring more damage to the world and Fade in the long run. But I soon encountered a problem. I needed to use the Anchor and my foci to enter the Fade and reverse the spell in order to restore the world as it should be. My foci had accumulated magical energy for millennia, but my body and magical powers were severely weakened after spending such a long time in uthenera. I was too weak to open the foci's seal and access its power.”

“I devised a plan to let it be opened by someone else. Through dreams and my network of spies, I had learned of the creature Corypheus and his mad plans to rise to godhood. I thought it best to solve two problems at once. I allowed Corypheus to find my orb through my agents.”

“You gave your orb to Corypheus willingly?” Eirlana asked in disbelief.

“Corypheus would have caused chaos with or without my orb. He had already gathered the Venatori and corrupted the Wardens, mages and templars long before he found my orb. The plan was for him to break to foci's seal and be killed in the process. After that, I would take possession of my orb, take the Anchor and enter the Fade to bring down the Veil.

Eirlana felt sick to her stomach, knowing how many people died through the explosion at the conclave. And how many more fell in the war against Corypheus. Not to mention the many spirits that got corrupted through the rifts. “What would have happened if Corypheus had died at the conclave and you succeeded and take down the Veil?”

“I would have watched as this world would burn in the raw chaos and begin anew. With the last of the Elvhen people that had survived until this age, I would have restored the world of my time... the world of the elves.”

Horrified, she stared at Solas. “That... that is monstrous.” she gasped. “Aren't we even people to you?”

For a brief second, Solas looked down before he faced her again. “Not at first.” he confessed to her, seeing the shock on her face.

“I had awoken in a world where most peoples conscious connection to the Fade was blocked. By forming the Veil, I took away the beauty of magic, creating whole populations with no affinity for magic at all. It was like walking through a world of tranquil.”

“Before I met you, I tried to contact the elves living in this age. First, through dreams, but only a few could hear me. After I awoke, I attempted to connect with the Dalish clans, teach them the truth about their history, and converse with their elders. Sadly only few were even willing to listen. They looked down on me, calling me a flat ear, a liar and a madman. I was confronted with ridicule and violence.”

“I also visited the alienages. I was more welcomed there; though some of the harhen believed me and my teachings, they were powerless. They had more pressing issues like racism, suppression, violence, famine and disease that their people faced.”

“And it was my fault. I took away the essence of the elves and caused their downfall. I was to blame that the elves are now living in the shadows of human society, clinging to false legends and onto a past that they don't understand.”

“I thought this world lost, that is until I met you.” He shook his head. “You started to change everything. When I encountered you in the Fade, I realised there were still things about this world that I didn't understand. Though at that time, I thought it to be insignificant. My plans were already set in motion, and I was determined to undo my mistakes. Corypheus possessed my orb, and I knew he would be at the Temple of Sacred Ashes.”

“My agents made sure Corypheus found just enough information to attempt to unlock the orb there. By coincidence, the Temple was built on the location I had carved a magical seal into the Veil when I created it. I knew it would be the best place to unlock the orb and enter the Fade. That Corypheus chose to be there at the time of the conclave wasn't part of my plan, and neither was using the Divine's life force in his attempt to unlock the foci. The instructions called for the aid of a person with a close connection with a spirit, but Corypheus twisted mind read them differently.”

It was unnerving to see Solas being so calm. In part, Eirlana could understand that he saw this world as a mistake, but it was difficult to hear him dismiss almost everyone living in it.

“You knew the conclave would explode?” she asked and felt almost afraid to hear his reply.

“Both no and yes.” Solas answered. “I knew there would be a release of magical energy, but I didn't expect it to be so violent and destructive. Nor did I anticipate for the explosion to rip such a big tear into the Veil and damaging the Fade. That it did only proves how weak and unstable the Veil has become.”

“I admit my plan was too hasty and ill-conceived—another mistake in a chain of failures. I hadn't foreseen that Corypheus had managed to find an effective form of immortality. Back then, when you found me in the mountains, I was desperate to find out what had gone wrong. Not only had Corypheus and my orb disappeared, but the resulting explosion had also destabilised the Veil. It was tearing apart uncontrollably, damaging the Fade and this world in its wake.”

“I knew I had to stop it somehow. I knew of Haven through my agents, and I suspected that whoever had survived the explosion would gather there. When Ryan appeared bearing the Anchor, I knew he was our only hope to stabilise and temporary heal the Veil. So I decided to stay and aid the fledgeling Inquisition. Though I must admit that dealing with Ryan's superstition and beliefs tested my patience more than once.”

“As we closed rifts and stabilise the region, I couldn't help but feel uneasy. I didn't know if Corypheus had survived and what he would do next, nor did I know what the state of my foci was. But, as you know, nothing happened immediately. I knew then that Corypheus hadn't succeeded in unlocking my orb because if he had, he would have destroyed us. So I waited and played my role of a humble apostate.”

“During those weeks we lived in Haven, it was an almost new experience. After spending ages as the leader of a slave rebellion, I suddenly lived among people who didn't know who I was. It was refreshing and reminded me of the days when I wandered through Elvhenan. In spending time among the people of Haven, I discovered the lives the people of this age lived, their joys and their struggles. Knowing how important the Inquisition would be in opposing Corypheus, I arranged for elven spies to work and live in Haven. They gave me the information and overview I needed. We also got to know each other and grew closer together during that time. And it made me realise I had judged the elves living now too harshly.”

“I struggled with myself. On the one hand, I had to revert the world back to the state it should be. But I also knew by doing so that I would destroy the lives of the people surrounding me. I knew I grew too attached, especially towards you, and tried to seclude myself. Something I found more difficult than I want to admit.”

“Then we finally managed to close the Breach. But as you know, our victory was brief. Corypheus attacked Haven to try to retrieve the Anchor. I was shocked to see that he was using my foci. He had managed to unlock it partially and could use a sliver of its power. Though I wanted to face him and retrieve my orb, I couldn't. I was too weak.”

“Seeing Corypheus alive and the mistake I made in giving my orb to him made me feel defeated. That night in the snowstorm alone and wounded, I was questioning my purpose. In trying to protect the Elvhen people, I created a world filled with lies, cruelty, and injustice. Greed and the need for power ruled again over the weak, and the elves were suffering once more. I had failed as the protector of the elves, and for a short moment, I gave up.”

“But giving up was never an option. You showed me that. You risked your life to save me, and it made me realise that I still had to fulfil my duty. I knew I had to fight and try again. The elven people deserved better. I owed it to them.”

“But first, Corypheus had to be stopped. By attacking the Inquisition, he had almost destroyed us, but we prevailed. And with Corypheus' plans finally revealed, I knew the Inquisition would redouble its efforts to stop him. But first, the Inquisition needed a new home to stand a chance, hence Skyhold. Originally I had other plans for my old home, but this was more important.”

“Once we settled there, I massively expanded my group of agents. I found elves that were willing to fight for a better future, for a chance to restore the elven people. As my allies grew in numbers, I turned my attention to the elves living now. Though they had lost much of the essence of being Elvhen, there were hopeful signs. Under the influence of the Breach and the rifts, many felt something stir deep within them. I also learned that Briala's spies working in the Crossroads had similar experiences. I knew then that not everything was lost and that the elves living now could regain some of their heritage. They could adapt and find a new life when the Veil disappeared.”

Solas smiled at Eirlana. “There was also you. You showed me like no other that there was hope.”

He took her hand and looked her in the eye. “I want you to know that everything we had was, no is real. I have never met anyone who could pull my attention from anything that easily. You accepted me even knowing I was hiding things from you. You made me feel emotions I thought I had lost forever. I love you with all my heart and soul. You have a rare and marvellous spirit. Even knowing my fate, I was unable to resist you.”

Under his intense gaze, Eirlana could feel butterflies fluttering in her stomach. Her heart leapt hearing him say those words. But she didn't understand why then he had left her. And why he was trying to leave her now.

“What do you mean? What fate?”

Solas let go of her hand, and his face hardened. “I walk the Din'anshiral. There is only death on this journey.”

Her stomach dropped. Solas thought he was going to die. She shook her head, trying to wrap her head around everything he had told her. “The Evanuris, they will be free again if the Veil disappears.”

“Something I can't let happen again. I will seal them permanently away, but doing so will likely take everything I have left.” he sighed. “I was always prepared to carry the sacrifice and burden for my actions. I would not have you see what I have to become. Too many lives will be lost again before this will be over.”

A chill ran through her as the feeling of dread filled her. “What about the non-elves? What will happen to the humans, dwarves and Qunari?”

“I am not entirely sure, but there is a reason why the dwarves lived underground, and the humans and Qunari only appeared after I created the Veil.”

“The headaches.” Eirlana whispered, remembering the effects of the Crossroads on the others.

He looked remorseful at her. “Many will perish during the chaos when I destroy the Veil, but I fear many more will die due to the direct contact with the Fade.”

She felt herself growing pale as she realised the scale of destruction Solas was talking about. She felt faint and staggered. Seeing her distress Solas quickly helped her to sit down on the remnants of a wall. He knew how soul-crushing the burden was of being responsible for the death of countless lives. He had already done it once, and he was going to do it again. He wished he could spare her from the cruelty of his plan, but in doing so, he would lie to her again. No, he wanted to explain so she would understand that he wasn't the monster history remembered him by.

Solas knelt down in front of her so he could look her in the eye. “I know how monstrous this sounds, but some things are inevitable. The Veil is broken and will disappear. It was always intended to be a temporary seal. So I could bring a hold to the destruction of the Fade and this world. I hoped that with guidance, the elven people would grow strong enough to oppose the ruling of the Evanuris. But things turned out much differently than my darkest predictions.”

“Not only have the elven people declined to mere shadows of what they once were. There are now humans living on their lands, ruling over them like they are a superior race. But it is not only the waking world that I changed. Through the Veil, I created an imbalance in the Fade itself. I blocked the spirits from a world they always could enter freely. By blocking them from it, they began longing for the living. Thus I am responsible for the existence of far more demons than there were in my time.”

“There is also the issue of the red lyrium, that it has appeared means that the seal containing the corrupted titan has weakened. Unfortunately, Hawke and Varric found the idol we used in the ritual to seal the titan. It was once guarded by dwarves that were loyal to Mythal. Sadly the whole thaig has perished over time.” “That the idol has been used only weakened the seals more, something that is evident by the spread of the red lyrium. My agents and I try to locate the idol to prevent even more damage. It is too dangerous to be used by anyone who doesn't know the full extent of what could be unleashed.” Solas sighed. “There are so many things differently than I ever wished for, but even if the outcome had been different, what I have to do next would have been the same. By creating the Veil, I put the world into a deep sleep, but it is awakening now. The Fade and waking world were once one, it was the natural state of the world, a state of balance that I disrupted, and now it tries to restore itself. The Veil is weakening, and many ancient beings are feeling it. The dragons are returning, the titans stir, and powerful beings of the Fade are waiting for the two worlds to be one again.”

“But I can't allow the Veil to continue to deteriorate like this. It would do too much damage to the Fade and destabilise this world in the process. If I do nothing, holes will appear everywhere, creating the same devastation as the rifts have caused. It would rip the Fade apart and corrupt countless spirits, not to mention the damage it will cause to the waking world. The Veil needs to be removed in a controlled manner. Like I told you earlier, it will plunge the world into chaos, but it will be for a relatively brief moment.”

“Though there will be much damage and many lives lost in the process, it is important that the natural order is restored. Spirits, demons, elves, dwarves and humans need to find their new place in the world. I have no doubts that that process will be difficult and terrifying for the living. And there will be many violent incidents.”

“Every mage, if it is elf, human or Qunari with magical talents, will suddenly find their powers amplified, and my studies show many would be unable to control them properly. Both humans and Qunari have received limited training because of the fear spread by the Chantry and Qun. This fear engraved in them will not do them any favours.”

“I believe elves and elf-blooded would fare better, but they need to be prepared to harness their abilities when the time comes. I have worked and searched for a way to control the impact the chaos will have when I bring the world back to how it was. Though many things will change for everyone, if they are spirits or beings of flesh and blood.”

“What I want is for the elves to be prepared. To give them the best chance to thrive in the new world. For that purpose, I have created havens for the elven people. Places where they can live, learn and train for that what is to come. I have gathered what is left of my followers, awakened others who still were in uthenera, and united the elves living now that heeded my call, be it Dalish or city elves. By educating and training the latter, I have discovered many things about the elves that live today. It gives me hope that not all is lost.”

“The crossroads.” Eirlana whispered.

“Yes. You to should have felt the effects of being close to the Fade. No, even when we were in Fade, you have felt it. How the Fade itself resonates with our being. How it nourishes and enlighten us. I believe some of the abilities the elves once naturally possessed have survived. They are just dormant, waiting for the Fade to return. Though I can't say the same for the humans. Many of them are not suited to live in such a world. The Qunari will also have a hard time, though they will struggle even more because of the teachings of the Qun. As for the dwarves, they are a hardy race, even if they have to return underground.”

In disbelief, Eirlana stared into the distance. Solas did understand her reaction. What he had told her was a lot to swallow, and for most, the implications of his plans would be considered monstrous. A part of him wished he didn't need to destroy the world a second time. He will take no joy in doing what he had to do. But he had to end what he sat in motion all those ages ago. Not that it mattered right now. He had to patiently wait and give her the time to gather her thoughts. He owed her that much.

Eirlana sat in silence for a while, thinking about all the things Solas had told her. It gave answers to so many questions and explained many things she had seen and witnessed. Though it was horrifying to think about the lives that would be lost if Solas carried out his plan, she partly understood him. It was true that the elves were second class citizens. She had seen the suffering and injustices the elves faced that lived in the alienages all across Thedas. In Tevinter, the elves met an even crueller fate, living as slaves. She knew all too well what it was like to have no will of her own. To be not seen as a person and to be subjugated to the whims of a cruel master.

Even if the situation of the Veil wasn't dire, and Solas would manage to unite all the elves and gain lands to call their own. She knew the humans would never accept the elves as their equals. She had no doubt there would be soon a war or even another exalted march to quell the elvish uprising, as they would call it.

She had witnessed and felt how those in power viewed the elves. They wouldn't tolerate an elven nation.

And besides that, the problem of the Veil would remain. She had noticed the scars in the Veil and the unrest of spirits since the closing of the Breach. Then there was also the corrupted titan, the Blight and the imprisoned Evanuris. She shook her head. This problem was far bigger than she ever imagined.

She looked at him, and although she had still many questions about what he had told her, her heart wanted to know one thing.

“Why did you leave?” Eirlana asked him.

Solas sighed. She was correct; he owed her an explanation. “My foci. Witnessing its massive amount of magical energy being released uncontrollably was shocking. More so was to see the orb being destroyed. It was my one hope to restore the world, and it was gone. I was in a state of disbelief. And there was also you; you had confessed to me that you knew who I was. You knew the biggest secret I kept from you. It put a lot of things into perspective. I was deeply ashamed; your confrontation and the loss of the orb; led to the only conclusion. I had to leave.”

“Wait, what things fell into perspective?” she looked at him, confused.

“Your reaction. You had withdrawn from me, didn't talk, and I could feel the fear, confusion and doubt whenever I approached you. You were rejecting me.”

“You could feel what?”

“I...” he cursed inwardly. He didn't intend to tell her about what he did to save her. He sighed. “I..., I am bonded with you.”

She frowned in confusion, not knowing what he meant.

“I... When the red lyrium that consumed you suddenly expelled from your body, it left countless wounds behind. You were bleeding severely. There was too much damage, too many wounds to heal. I poured all of my healing magic into you, but it wasn't enough. I could feel the life leaving your body. You were dying. In an act of desperation, I separated a part of my own life force and transferred it to you. It saved your life, but you are now forever bound to me. I am aware of you, even if you are not with me. I can sense the emotions that are the strongest within you.”

Eirlana was flabbergasted, she knew her body and magic had changed after she had awoken, but she never imagined it was Solas who had caused it.

“You know what I think? Is this... is this way my magic has changed.”

“No, as I said, I am aware of your peak emotions. You are overwhelmed and confused at the moment, but I don't need to feel them to know what you are feeling. It is only natural at the moment. And yes, you are bound to me and to my essence, my power. Though I must amid, I am surprised at how well you can wield that power. It was an old Elvhen practice to share once life force as an act of sealing a deep love and commitment.”

“And despite knowing how I feel, you thought I was rejecting you?”

“You did. After you discovered who I was and how I failed to save you and our daughter.”

“I was in mourning, you idiot.” In disbelief, Eirlana stared at him. “I had survived being tortured for days on end by two powerful demons. I lost our child, and at the same time, uncovered it was the child of a would-be god. I thought I failed you. I was afraid of how you would react that I found your secret, and I was right to be afraid. As soon as I tried to talk to you, you disappeared.”

“I...” he fell quiet. Now she was mentioning everything that went through her; her reactions made sense. He shook his head. Hadn't he told Cullen the same thing back then. How could he have been so stupid? And at the same time, he knew why. “I was afraid.” he confessed. “After you were captured, I was desperate. I was confronted with my own deepest fears.”

“Dying alone.” she said softly.

“Yes. I am older than I can remember, and almost all of the people I once knew and cared for are gone. When I was trapped in the nightmare webs in the Fade, I was surrounded by death. The world was destroyed, and I was surrounded by seas of blood and filled with bodies. All death because of me. In that dream, I found your battered body.” he shook his head. “When I found you in that cellar close to death and corrupted, I was beyond myself. I had come too late. You were dying, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was so afraid of losing you and still am. You have gotten too close to me already.”

“You are not going to lose me. Let me help you.”

“No. As I said, I walk the Din'anshiral. There is only death on my journey. I can't allow you to get involved. I have a duty, and I won't let you see what I have to become to accomplish that.”

“Stop painting yourself as a monster.”

He huffed a laugh. “Am I not a monster? I killed thousands of elves by creating the Veil and destroyed their world. And I have to do it again.”

“There has to be another way.”

“Don't you think I have thought about every possibility and outcome? The Veil, the Blight, the corrupted titan and the Evanuris. I have to face them all in order to save the Elvhen people. Regardless of with path I take, people will perish, and the world as we know it now will be destroyed in the end. All I can do is find the best outcome for the elves.”

Eirlana took a deep breath. “I didn't mean it like that. But thinking you are the only solution is the first mistake. I know you are trying to right a wrong, that you are trying to heal this world, but there are always different ways to accomplish it.”

Solas tilted his head. “Explain.”

“For example, a man has a leg that is badly wounded and infected. There are different actions you can take.” she counted her fingers down. “You can choose to do nothing. You can cut the leg of. You can try herbs and bandages. Try magic. Pray to the Maker or other gods. Or you can mix all of these up. In the end, all of these things can have the same outcome or a completely different one. He may be able to walk again free of pain, or he can perish despite your best efforts.”

“What I want to say is that you don't know everything. You must realise that by now. Let me help you. In my experience, it is better to heal with the combined knowledge of more healers than do everything on your own.”

Slowly he shook his head and looked down. “No, I can't burden you with my path. There are too many dangers, too many enemies that will try to harm you. You are not safe at my side. I am not safe. You should be as far away from me as possible.

“Solas.” she sighed his name. “I didn't say I will follow you blindly. I said I wanted to help you to look for solutions, whatever they may be. And do you really think that my existence and the bond we have is a secret? The Qun already tried to capture me, and I am pretty sure that I am now on the top list of people wanted by both the Inquisition and the Chantry. Not to mention the Evanuris.”

Solas whipped his head back up, his eyes big in alarm. “What about the Evanuris?”

“For starters, Falon'Din knows who I am.”

“How could he possibly know?”

“I met him, or at least a conscious reflection in the Fade. I told you how I stumbled upon a memory with you and him. I wanted to tell you more, but before I could, we were interrupted by Corypheus. Falon'Din was there with me in the memory, and he was very interested in the woman that had captured the lone wolf's heart.”

“How?” Bewildered, Solas quickly went over the construction of the prison he had made. “That is impossible. He is imprisoned forever. They all are.”

She huffed a small laugh. “How can you be this old and wise and be this blind and short-sighted at the same time. Do you think the Evanuris would just wait and do nothing in all those centuries? I don't know what this cage is, or whatever you put them in, but they have found a way out. At least a way back into the Fade.”

His eyes moved rapidly as he thought about all the implications this would have. He looked back at Eirlana. “Tell me exactly what happened. What did you see.”

“At first, it was like any other reflection in the Fade. It was the memory of a slave girl. I saw how she was offered to you by Falon'Din because you had lost a pet of yours. He was mocking you and reprehending you about how you had changed. The memory wasn't long and vanished as soon as the slave girl walked away from you. I was standing in front of your fading image, trying to comprehend that you were Fen'Harel. Suddenly the Fade shifted, and I was alone with Falon'Din. He circled and watched me like a predator. I could feel he had tremendous power and that he was dangerous. I also knew he wasn't a spirit nor a demon. He felt different. He studied me like a piece of meat, like I was a toy to him. He tried to ensnare me in golden tendrils, but I managed to break free. I fled from him, which made him laugh. The last thing he said was a promise he would find me again.”

“And finding me again he did, when I was trapped by Imshael and Xenbenkeck. I had been imprisoned and tortured for days and was very close to death. Suddenly Falon'Din appeared, and he was just as charming and dangerous as before. He called you a Mutton and a Dog, and was amused that I tried so hard to stay alive.”

Solas stood up and began to pace. These revelations had enormous consequences. If the Evanuris really were able to project their consciousness into the Fade, then that would mean they could be aware of all that had happened and the things he was planning to stop them once and for all.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked her.

“I wouldn't be alive without Falon'Din. He killed Xenbenkeck when she was about to kill me. Then he put me into a deep sleep, saying he would save me as thanks to a very old friend.”

Perplexed, he stared at her. “He was the one who cured you?”

“I don't know what he did. All I know is that I woke up back at Skyhold, badly hurt but alive and free of the red lyrium. But whatever Falon'Din did, I am pretty sure it wasn't to please you.”

“And there are others.” Eirlana continued. “I met Mythal, and she aided me to get to you.”

Solas froze again. “Mythal?”

“Yes, she was at Skyhold after you had disappeared. She gave me this amulet that activated the last eluvian for me.”

He looked first at the amulet, then at her. “This is important. How many days after I disappeared was this?”

“The night of the fifth day. Her energy came through the eluvian and merged with Morrigan's body.”

Solas began to pace again. He should have known that Mythal didn't simply would grant him her power and disappear. Why had she deviated from their plan? And why hadn't she confided in him? This was complicating things even further.

“And there is the third one.”

He stared at her, his head feeling dizzy by these revelations. “Who else did you meet?”

“It is something Falon'Din said to me. 'never has a mortal had the pleasure to pique the interest of three Evanuris.' This was before I met Mythal, and I don't think he spoke of her. I think he spoke of my teacher.”

Was that the reason her magic was so fluent, Solas thought. Was it because it was not a spirit who had taught her but one of the Evanuris.

“How did your teacher look like?”

“He had the appearance of a tall elf. He wore beautiful dark robes, embroidered with gold. His long dark hair fell over his shoulder; it was bound together with several golden bands. His eyes were an intense green.”

“Did his robe have a hood?”

“Yes, but when we were together, he seldom wore it up.”

“Dirthamen.” slowly, he shook his head and smiled, wondering what the odds were that a random act of kindness would bind him to one of Dirthamen's students.

Eirlana was surprised to see Solas smile. “Wasn't he your enemy?”

“Not directly. It is complicated. He once supported my efforts, helped me even to create safe havens for the freed slaves. He was a man more devoted to knowledge than to power. But his loyalty to Falon'Din was his downfall in the end. It was his knowledge that enabled the other Evanuris to slay Mythal, although he was tricked in giving it.”

They both fell silent and looked into the distance. Both with their own thoughts, mulling over the words they had shared.

Solas was the first to look at Eirlana. He was torn; on the one hand, he felt relieved. It was like a load had slipped from his shoulder, now he had been honest with her. It was both a blessing and a worry; how good it felt to finally talk with her. He was surprised that she was still here listening to him. Even after he had revealed his past and told her what he had done, she hadn't pulled away. He stared at her, scarcely believing she was there and still wanted to be at his side. She had not run away and cursed his existence.

His heart fluttered.

Was she right? Was there a way to remain together?

He knelt down in front of her again. Tentatively he took hold of her hand. He locked eyes with her and searched for an answer to the question that burned inside of him – A question he couldn't ignore no matter how hard he tried. Could he take her back?

There, gazing in her winter-blue eyes, he found his answer

Yes.

Slowly and questioningly, he reached up and cupped her jaw with his free hand. His thumb ghosted over her cheek, wishing again he wasn't wearing gloves today.

Eirlana huffed a nervous laugh as he stared at her with an intense gaze. She had said so little, yet she hoped that what she told him had sunk through to him.

“You have to realise that people see me as the enemy,” Solas said, his gaze not leaving her eyes. “as a monster planning something terrible. I worry you do not entirely grasp the gravity of the situation... The Veil has to be destroyed. If you help me... If you remain at my side...”

“I will become the enemy.” she finished his sentence. “I know I will become a target for all the people that oppose you.” She mirrored his action by placing a hand on his cheek. “But I also know I don't want to be apart from you. Let me stay at your side and help resolve this mess.”

Now Solas had to huff a laugh; yes, it was a mess. He was quiet for a moment, debating if he really should risk it. He knew it would be so much more dangerous for her to be at his side, but letting her go... he couldn't. Then the images of her slapping him and calling him an idiot flashed through his mind; somehow, it reassured him.

Not letting go of her hand, he stood up, pulling her along with him.

“Come.”

Alarmed, she asked. “Whereto?”

He couldn't blame her for feeling uneasy. He stepped towards her and gave her a kiss. The kiss lasted longer than he intended, but he pulled back, reminding himself that his men were waiting for him.

“Home.” he answered her.

She stared at him, doubting her own ears. Was he really asking to come with him?

“Please, vhenan, come home with me.”

“I... Yes!” They both chuckled when her yes sounded louder than she intended.

#flame of winter #dragon age #dragon age inquisition #dragon age solas #Solas #solas romance #solas x oc #eirlana

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aphrodites-law · 5 years

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A Bit of Clarity 🍂 (3/?) The visions had started last autumn, a year ago now. It had caused a bit of chaos for some, a bit of clarity for others. Two days ago, Clarke Griffin had been perfectly fine managing both her Café and her stress. But now she was curious - so deeply curious about the vision of herself entwined with the aloof Lexa Woods that it was leading her to complete distraction.

[part 1] [part 2]

A week after parting ways with Niylah, a sudden sense of loneliness hit Clarke. It wasn’t that she regretted the decision, but the possibility had always been there and that in itself had been enough to avoid confronting the glaring emptiness of her apartment. Her celibacy had felt more like a choice than it did now.

Clarke knew that the vision was the main culprit for the sudden realization that she had built her dream life but had no one to share it with. Wells had Raven and his passion for theater keeping his life beautifully busy outside of the café, while Gaia had the next five years mapped out thoroughly - her own dreams soon to be achieved. They didn’t have time or space left to fill, and Clarke had fooled herself into believing the same applied to her. She had menus to think of; new coffee beans and bakes to taste test; ingredients to purchase. She had events to plan; social media accounts to update; phone calls to answer. It was a headache most of the time, but she had a long list of successes to be proud of.

It wasn’t easy to admit that she’d neglected a part of her life - that she’d never had anyone to come home to in years. Sometimes, she couldn’t even be sure she’d ever felt a fraction of what Wells felt for Raven - if she’d ever gazed at anyone with such adoration. It would happen eventually, she’d always thought. She had time for that. But the truth was that the future had already come, and Clarke was alone. Alone and no closer to understanding a vision that she wasn’t even sure she could trust anymore.

It was a gloomy thought for a gloomy evening. Clarke enjoyed her plate of homemade ravioli nonetheless, a Saturday treat for an otherwise dull week. She had expected it with so many logistics to deal with before the café’s upcoming 3-day event, but it didn’t help that time had seemed to slow to a crawl. It was pointless to deny the source of her disappointment though:

Lexa hadn’t showed. Not even once for a croissant or an early morning espresso. Clarke had secretly hoped she would, unable to stop thinking about their brief encounter at the party. Something had changed and she couldn’t shake the feeling that Lexa knew it too. Which only made her absence more nerve-racking. Clarke had taken to reading the Gazette again, scrolling down the app mindlessly during breaks. She'd caught Lexa's name a few days ago and read her most recent articles, unable to stop herself once she'd given into her curiosity.

Her most engrossing story had been a special report on the Mountain Men, a group of people who had lived in isolation in the Costial mountain chain for a hundred years. They were a very particular case - their bloodline seemingly passing down a deathly allergy to the sun, or solar urticaria. Yet they had chosen to live in isolation rather than accept any aid, building their own bunker in the 1900s, a complex network of rooms and tunnels. It was only ten years ago that the last of them had finally emerged from underground, pale and weak creatures but otherwise strong willed. In her story, Lexa was remarkably descriptive yet respectful of their privacy. They lived on the outskirts of Costial now, helped by modern medicine and custom-made protective clothing, though never quite able to stand the sun regardless. Lexa had written that she'd met with them at night, and had been surprised when next she knew the sun had risen and they'd spoken for hours. The Mountain Men were neither a cult nor a mystery to solve - they were human beings who craved human contact like anyone else, only dealt with a different set of circumstances at birth.

Reading her words had given Clarke more insight into Lexa's work, but hardly anything on her as a person. And Clarke couldn't help but crave more of her.

The hope for some clarity came on Sunday morning. Clarke went to the farmer’s market for fresh ingredients and a bag of quince, planning to tempt Wells into using them. He was the only person she knew that was so fond of quinces he could be bribed with them, though it could be an acquired taste.

The farmers’ market was always busy; the sort of organized chaos that Clarke lived for. She stopped at her usual stands - first the vegetables and fruit, and later the meats and cheeses. Her bags were nearly bursting when she decided to leave, having been tempted by olives and a few sachets of spices at a new stand. It seemed like a couple had cropped up in the past three weeks. Sundays were never a rush, and there was still time to head back home before the café.

Clarke stopped short when she looked toward a honey stand and noticed Lexa chatting with the vendor. She had a dark brown jacket on and a long knitted scarf wrapped twice around her neck, the only sign that she might be bothered by the chilly morning. Colder winds were starting to sweep through Costial, but Clarke didn’t mind how quickly winter was approaching. It had always been her favorite season - and it was good for business too.

With the busy activity, Clarke knew that she couldn’t stand still in the middle of the alley. On impulse, she walked toward the stand.

“Lexa. Hi.”

Lexa turned to her, eyebrows rising in surprise.

“Busy market today,” Clarke said, trying to appear more casual than she felt.

Lexa looked between her and the man behind the stall. “It is. Hm. Clarke, this is Gustus. His bees make the best honey in the state.”

Gustus laughed heartily. “Flattery won’t get you a third pot.” He spoke with an accent Clarke couldn’t place, but his tone was strangely comforting.

Lexa’s ears seemed to pink, though it might’ve been from the cold.

“I’m just trying to help your business,” she countered.

“Sure, sure.”

Lexa glanced at Clarke. “Gustus was stubbornly staying on his apiary with a cardboard sign a few miles away. I convinced him to apply for a stall here.”

“A whole five feet of space,” Gustus grumbled half-jokingly.

Clarke smiled. “I know the struggle. They turned down my business partner and I a few years back.”

“What were you selling?” Gustus asked.

“Well that was the problem - nothing consistent. We wanted to do sweet and salty bakes, but we don’t grow any of the ingredients ourselves. They didn’t like that - said we ought to just open a bake shop. It worked out pretty well in the end.”

Lexa nodded, but her eyes stayed on Gustus and the stall. “Clarke owns a coffee shop,” she clarified for him. “It’s very good.”

Gustus’ expression shifted from a frown to amusement. “Very good? From you, that is high praise.”

Clarke didn’t have the time to question the statement. Lexa shouldered her full bag with a glare at him. Clarke realized then that Lexa had yet to fully look her way, let alone address her directly.

“My baker loves honey cakes,” Clarke brought up, trying not to worry. She hadn’t done anything to warrant a cold shoulder... had she? “I’ve been trying to get him to switch from his usual brand - and honestly it would be much easier for me than trekking to the East bank.”

Gustus brightened and wrapped a pot in newspaper. “Try it. See if he likes it.”

Clarke took out her wallet, but he declined.

Lexa scowled. “That’s not how you turn a profit, Gus.”

He scratched his long beard. “But it is how you cultivate interest and loyalty.”

When a couple arrived at the stall, Clarke moved to the side and Gus excused himself to answer their questions. Now stood much closer to Lexa, Clarke felt the need to fill the silence.

“How was your week?” She asked.

Lexa’s whole body seemed to tense. “Busy. Yours?”

“Long.” She bit her lip. “I read your piece on the Mountain Men. Crazy story.”

Lexa finally looked at her, as if suddenly jolted. “You did?” She sounded surprised, but there was a spark in her eyes.

Clarke nodded. “I’d heard about them obviously, but I’d never realized some of the family still lived near Costial.”

“They keep to themselves.”

“But you got them to open up.”

“It’s my profession. Besides, I’ve found that few people can actually stand to die with their secrets. Eventually we yearn to be heard.”

Clarke’s heart raced under Lexa’s gaze. There didn’t seem to be an in-between with her - she either didn’t look her way at all or stared at her like she might undress her. Though Clarke was aware her reading of Lexa’s expressions was likely very skewed.

“I don’t believe that,” she replied. “We all have stories we’d be happy to bury forever.”

“Maybe I'm just too boring a person to have any," Lexa said quietly. She didn't expand on it and Clarke suddenly felt like she couldn't hold her stare any longer.

“I should get going,” she said.

“Did you drive here?”

“I did.”

“I’m that way too.”

“Oh okay,” Clarke replied, though Lexa had already started walking after a quick wave at Gustus.

Clarke fell into step beside her. “I’ve never seen you at the market before,” she said.

Lexa shook her head. “I usually just come in the last thirty minutes.”

“When they’re more amenable to haggling - smart.”

Clarke swore she saw the ghost of a smile on Lexa’s face, but she was well-aware she couldn't just keep staring at her profile for much longer. She glanced at the top of her bag. “Margie’s brie is really good.”

Lexa let out a little hum of agreement. "Her blue cheese is even better.”

As they passed the parking lot, Clarke threw caution to the wind. She had to at least try to understand the walking enigma by her side.

"So... last year we had an open mic weekend to drum up some publicity for the café. Friday to Sunday. We’re doing it again next week."

"Starting a tradition?" Lexa asked.

"Hoping to. People can sign up in person or through our website and perform some original stuff. We've already got a decent list.”

"That's a great idea."

Clarke tried not to think too much about her erratic heart. "It should be a fun time if you wanted to drop by; get inspired…"

Clarke herself had gotten an itch to be creative after last year's event. Being surrounded by aspiring musicians and comedians had reminded her just how much she needed her own art as an outlet for stress. She'd put her drawings to the side for the café but picking up a pencil again had felt like coming home. She figured Lexa, who had seemed quite comfortable surrounded by comedians the night of the play, might feel the same way about such a setting.

But her reaction was odd. She stopped with her brow furrowed. "Inspired?" She asked.

"To write?"

Lexa’s body immediately stiffened, almost like she was upset. "I see. I'll try to find the time."

"Great," Clarke said in relief, choosing not to worry too much about her interpretation of Lexa’s reaction. It was clear by now she couldn’t read her very well. "I'll put a slice of cake on the side for you."

Lexa shook her head. "You don't need to bribe me, Clarke.”

Clarke frowned. "I wa-"

Lexa looked at her watch. "I should get going. I'm interviewing someone in an hour."

"Have you found any patterns yet?" Clarke couldn't help but wonder, though the question was also a poor attempt to speak to Lexa longer.

Lexa glanced up at her, her eyes lighter than Clarke remembered in the glow of the morning sun. Yet it reminded Clarke of the party too - how close Lexa had been, when now it suddenly seemed like she couldn’t wait to get away.

"I guess you'll have to read the article."

And with that, Lexa was walking to her car, leaving Clarke with the distinct feeling that she wasn’t any closer to understanding her.

* * *

With the ongoing preparations over the week, Clarke barely had a second to herself. Her interaction with Niylah on Monday morning had gone well though, awkward for just a few minutes before Niylah had cracked a terrible joke about starting a band called the Rolling Scones for the open mic.

The makeshift stage arrived in two pieces early Wednesday, and with Wells, Gaia and Harper's help, Clarke was proud to say it didn't look too shabby - and definitely a step-up from last year's. Raven had come around to help them with the sound setup, a task she had essentially summed up as 'nobody touch my cables or I'll electrocute you.' And far be it from Clarke to question a professional sound engineer.

Around 5pm, with a tired back and sore arms, Clarke had again drifted toward the end of the counter and started drawing. It was a character this time - a scraggly woman atop a mountain staring out at the horizon. She'd started it after reading Lexa's article, wondering how one could stand to live hidden in the dark for so long, and what they might've felt after leaving the comfort of what they knew for complete uncertainty.

She glanced up toward Lexa's spot, trying not to think about her. It was such a strange shift - from being a regular customer to not stopping by once in two weeks.

"Hello."

Clarke dropped her pencil and walked back to the other side of the counter, smiling at the young man standing behind it.

"Hi, what can I get you?"

"Are you Clarke? I mean- the owner?" He asked with a slightly nervous stammer.

"Co-owner, yep."

He extended his hand. "I'm Aden Baltimore. For the Polis Gazette."

His handshake was limp, but Clarke could tell he barely even knew what to do with his body. His checkered shirt was too loose and his tie too long, like he had ransacked his father's closet. His dirty blond hair was neatly combed and he smelled strongly of cologne. Clarke guessed he was eighteen at most.

"What can I do for you, Aden?"

He pushed his glasses up his nose. "I'm here for the article? Lexa said that late afternoon was a good time."

He dug into his messenger bag, trying to find something. It looked very similar to Lexa's satchel and Clarke wondered if he was a protégé and maybe very eager to resemble his mentor.

"Here's my ID," he added, showing Clarke his Gazette badge. It was endearing, to say the least, but Clarke wasn't sure what to do with it.

"What article are you talking about?"

"To boost the mic event. Didn't you set it up with her?"

Clarke’s smile fell.

A puff piece. Lexa had sent a teenager to write a puff piece on the café. Clarke wasn't sure what was more embarrassing: that Lexa had assumed her invitation had been a request to advertize the open mic, or that she'd sent someone else to do it. It hadn’t even crossed Clarke's mind. Was that what Lexa had thought of their interaction? That it had been a means to an end?

"It'll go up tomorrow morning in This Week In Costial," Aden said, then looked around anxiously. "Did I mess up? It starts Friday, doesn't it?"

"Yes, absolutely, it does," Clarke assured him as she shook off the lingering feeling of vexation.

Aden relaxed. "Can we sit down for a few minutes? I just want to make sure my notes are legible."

Clarke glanced at Wells and Gaia in the kitchen, both laughing about something. She didn't feel much like laughing herself. But the sooner she gave Aden what he needed, the sooner she could occupy her mind with something else.

"Sure. Let's do it."

They sat at one of the center tables. Aden took out his phone, a notepad, and three different pens.

"How long have you been at the Gazette?" Clarke asked him curiously.

Aden tried the first pen on the notepad but discarded it when the ink barely came out. "I just started a few months ago. This is my first time reporting," he admitted bashfully. "I'm taking a gap year before college and wanted some real experience."

“That’s smart. How do you like it so far?”

“I love it,” he gushed, looking more like a boy at Christmas than a teen fresh out of high school. "It’s so much easier to learn through practice.”

Clarke nodded. “So you’ll be writing the piece?”

“I’ll structure the notes and work with Lexa on it. She has to approve everything I do."

"Hm. Do you like working with her?"

"Lexa's great," he said, coming out of his shell the more confident he was in the topic. Clarke couldn’t fault him for his awkwardness - everyone had to start somewhere. "We were both new at the Gazette around the same time, so she says we need to stick up for each other. I like that. Lexa doesn't care about rank, just what a person can bring to the table."

Clarke had stopped counting the ways Lexa surprised her. But in the last few weeks she had learned that the reserved, serious woman who sat in her café was one hell of a poker player, related to the owners of the Polis Hotel, and revered by a teenager. Not to mention, in all likelihood, a particularly intense lover. Clearly, Clarke still knew nothing about Lexa Woods, and it seemed like that was precisely Lexa's doing.

It stung. Clarke understood that she was only a café owner, barely a blip in Lexa's routine, if at all these days, but it was Lexa who had initiated their first conversation. Clarke had hoped it meant a step closer to being friendly. She had thought maybe Lexa just naturally kept to herself, but it seemed like everyone and their mother - quite literally, in Gaia's case - knew a side of her that Clarke wasn't privy to.

"So, what can we expect from the open mic?" Aden finally asked, forcing Clarke to sweep away any other thought.

* * *

The article was short and sweet, though one of the longer ones in the entire section that spanned three pages. Clarke had to admit the publicity wouldn't hurt, and it didn't hurt either when the Gazette also tweeted about it.

What did hurt, early on Friday, was Wells coming into the café with a grimace.

"What's up?" Clarke asked him, barely awake. Today would be a long day, but they were ready for whatever may come. Or so Clarke believed.

Wells took out a folded flyer from his pocket and slid it on the counter. "You're not going to like this."

Clarke opened the flyer, her heart dropping in her stomach when she read it: FINN'S COFFEE & BAGELS OPEN MIC EVENT. FRIDAY TO SUNDAY, 10AM TO 6PM. 50% OFF EVERY PURCHASE.

Clarke gritted her teeth. "I'm going to murder him."

Wells cringed. "I guess now's not the time to add he finalized his deal with Titus & Son to sell his bagels?"

Clarke crumpled the flyer in her hands. "No, Wells, now is not the best time."

Feeling a blind rage course through her, Clarke grabbed her coat and went out the back of the café, passing a baffled Gaia.

She walked down the street with a fury in her eyes, fully intending on finding Finn Collins wherever he might be hiding. She’d wait him out at his house if she fucking needed to. But his shop down the street was a good start - his hideous coffee shop with the large letters of his name on every available surface, even the plastic forks.

When she opened the door, it was with the force of her anger. When she walked inside, it was with clenched fists. She scanned the moderately crowded area for a pretentious suit and a cocky grin, knowing he had to be expecting her. That bastard had made sure she'd only learn about his copycat event at the last possible minute, but she’d speak her mind. Oh he was going to hear her.

Or he would have.

Clarke's resolve crumpled when she spotted the last person she'd expected to see. It felt like whiplash. There, sitting at a corner table, typing away, was Lexa. Clarke had to blink a few times to believe her own eyes, but there was no mistaking her. Whatever momentum she'd gained screeched to a halt.

And when their eyes met, when Lexa finally spotted her and stilled, equally surprised to see Clarke, it felt like time slowed. Clarke couldn't even explain why it hurt so badly to see her there, just that it did. Because of course. Of course Lexa would take her habit elsewhere. Of course she would go to the chain hell-bent on driving Clarke's business into the ground.

She hadn’t been sure what to make of Lexa's disappearance; if she was just too busy, cutting down on caffeine, or perhaps trying to save up on cash for the holidays coming up. It wasn't any of Clarke's business to know. But seeing her in Finn's shop, on the same street, typing away like she always did, drinking some green monstrosity… rational thinking flew out the window. Lexa had the sense to look away at least, though her hands didn’t move on the keyboard anymore.

Clarke couldn’t even stand the sight of her, so deeply embarrassed that she’d invited her to come over when all this time Lexa had already chosen a different establishment. Embarrassed that she'd hoped to see her at her usual spot again. Embarrassed that she even cared.

With the taste of bitter disappointment in her mouth, Clarke left without even bothering to find Finn. Her body felt numb, like the sight of Lexa had replaced her anger with ice. It felt personal and Clarke didn’t understand it. Didn’t understand how a person could seem to care one day and look away the next. Could it truly be because she had refused the interview? Was that the way Lexa did things? Stuck around for a story until she was sure there was nothing to be squeezed out? Clarke couldn’t think of another reason.

Whatever it was, she was done seeking Lexa out.

[part four]

#clexa #clarke x lexa #f: a bit of clarity #i had to cut this in two parts #the next one is a hot mess of angst let me tell you #w

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mediaevalmusereads · 3 years

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Daring and the Duke. By Sarah MacLean. New York: Avon, 2020.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes, Bareknuckle Bastards #3

Summary: Grace Condry has spent a lifetime running from her past. Betrayed as a child by her only love and raised on the streets, she now hides in plain sight as queen of London’s darkest corners. Grace has a sharp mind and a powerful right hook and has never met an enemy she could not best, until the man she once loved returns. Single-minded and ruthless, Ewan, Duke of Marwick, has spent a decade searching for the woman he never stopped loving. A long-ago gamble may have lost her forever, but Ewan will go to any lengths to win Grace back… and make her his duchess. Reconciliation is the last thing Grace desires. Unable to forgive the past, she vows to take her revenge. But revenge requires keeping Ewan close, and soon her enemy seems to be something else altogether—something she can’t resist, even as he threatens the world she's built, the life she's claimed…and the heart she swore he'd never steal again.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: explicit sexual content, violence, blood, references to child abuse and maiming

Overview: There was only one book left in the Bareknuckle Bastards series so I thought “why not?” I was curious as to how MacLean would redeem the main antagonist of the first two books, and I rather liked Grace every time she showed up on the page. While there were some things I enjoyed, I would put this finale closer in quality to Brazen and the Beast than Wicked and the Wallflower. There wasn’t much to bind the two leads together aside from their past, in my opinion, and while MacLean attempts to tell a darker, angstier story, much of the plot felt empty and repetitive. Still, there were some nice nods to feminism and consent was always at the forefront, so I’m giving this book 3 stars.

Writing: MacLean’s prose isn’t radically different in Daring than it was in Brazen. It might be a little more serious, as the subject matter is definitely darker, but overall, it’s easy to get through and conveys MacLean’s ideas clearly. My only major complaint is that Daring felt more slow-paced than its prequels, perhaps because we got a lot of filler and repetition of the same scene but from different perspectives. Granted, some of this happens in the previous books, but because Daring isn’t largely focused on something external (like a business rivalry or a power play with an antagonist), everything just seemed to drag.

Also like Brazen, I don’t think MacLean used her themes to the fullest extent. There were some interesting attempts, such as the story about Apollo and the recurring mask motif, but there were also some duds, like the commentary about people being mad that Victoria was queen because she was a woman (Victoria was not a good symbol of “girl power,” in my opinion). While any one of these could have worked, they didn’t have as heavy of an impact as the themes in Wicked.

I also think MacLean held back on giving her characters unique quirks that served as metaphors; while Grace does have a tattoo that has some significance, it didn’t have sustained presence like Felicity’s lockpicking or Whit’s two watches. As a result, Daring felt the most thematically flat of the three books, and I wish as much care was put into both Brazen and Daring as was in Wicked.

Plot: Aside from the romance, most of the plot of this book revolves around Ewan’s redemption and a subtle concern over the increased frequency of raids on houses of ill repute. To be honest, I think this book started out rather well; Grace rescues Ewan from the explosion that happed at the end of Brazen, and their initial reunion and confrontation was fairly angsty. From there, though, I felt like the plot started to get repetitive and had no shape. Devil and Whit would threaten to beat up Ewan, Ewan would make some grand gesture (like hosting a ball or ask to help Covent Garden in a way), Grace would be attracted to that gesture, they’d have some intimate moment, Grace would then get nervous and run, only for the cycle to start over. While I did like the ways in which Ewan tried to earn forgiveness by helping Covent Garden, there wasn’t a whole lot of tension in these scenes aside from the threat of a brawl. I also didn’t feel like the subplot about Grace’s bordello was prominent enough or thematically related enough to have an impact; the bordello raids seemed to be a commentary about women and power, but it fell flat for me because Ewan didn’t really have to struggle with seeing Grace as an equal or as someone with power in her own right. He’s mostly already there, so the commentary felt rather hollow.

I think I would have much rather seen a plot with stronger parallels to the romance or one with more dramatic references to the characters’ pasts. Maybe Ewan’s secret could have been at risk throughout the book, and Grace has to decide what to do (which could have made for an interesting final showdown, if Ewan’s true identity had been discovered). Getting out of that pickle seems like a much more interesting plot than the empty gestures towards women in power that we got.

Characters: I liked Grace in Wicked, so I was happy that she got her own story in Daring. She’s a smart businesswoman with an intelligence network of almost all women, and I love the pleasure she takes in roaming the rooftops and dressing in bold colors. I also really love the friendships she has with her lieutenants at the bordello, and the sibling banter between her and Devil and Whit. However, my admiration from her cooled whenever she would engage in her back-ad-forth with Ewan. She never seemed to know what she wanted and was fairly flighty, which is understandable to an extent but irritating when there isn’t a strong plot or clear emotional progression to back it up. I always felt like Grace was stagnating and never really evolving, and her main character flaw was just to get over her past and hesitation about Ewan’s title. I wanted her to have something more, like an insecurity that Ewan could help her with.

Ewan, for his part, is somewhat interesting in that he was a villain in previous books. I liked the angst he brought to the story as well as the heartbreak when we finally learn why he made certain choices in his past, but other than that, he didn’t really have an exciting emotional arc. After the first scene, Ewan leaves London for a year to make himself a better man worthy of Grace, and when he returns, he seems to have finished growing and only needs the people around him to see it. I feel like we were cheated of seeing that growth happen on-page.

Side characters were fine and served their purpose. Devil and Whit were at their best when teasing Grace, but at their worst when talking about Ewan. I felt like they were always threatening to beat Ewan up but they never acted, which meant that their words felt hollow and their confrontations were useless. It would have been more interesting, in my opinion, if they had had more honest conversations with Ewan about their pasts so the angst was not just between Ewan and Grace but between the brothers as well. I wanted the brothers to struggle more with their emotions, rather than just think about punching one another.

Grace’s lieutenants, Veronique and Zeva, were fun when they were teasing Grace, but it also felt like they were there to relay information about the raids, which weren’t all that interesting. I liked that Grace was shown to have female friendships, and I liked that the lieutenants showed women in positions of power outside of a domestic setting, but ultimately, the raids just weren’t exciting enough to me to think of the lieutenants as much more than filler.

Romance: Based on the events from the previous two books, some readers may not find Ewan redeemable, so the quality of this romance will largely depend on what your personal threshold is. Personally, I was willing to give MacLean a shot, and while I do think she did everything she could to show that Ewan was trying to atone, I also don’t think she did enough to make the romance exciting. Grace and Ewan seemed to be mainly bound by their pasts, and though Ewan says he loves Grace for her boldness and power, it seemed all tell and no show. Part of the romance requires Ewan and Grace to learn who the other is now rather than try to recapture their childhoods, and I felt like not much of that happened outside of Grace just giving Ewan a tour of her bordello and telling stories about what happened to her after she fled with her brothers. I would have much rather had moments where the two bonded over some shared values - the laundry scene in Covent Garden kind of did that, but it was so dragged out and nothing was really built upon it, so I don’t think it had the intended effect.

I also don’t feel like Ewan and Grace grew within the romance very much, and by that I mean they didn’t help each other overcome some kind of character flaw. Ewan’s character development happened off-page, so most of his arc was about getting others to see that he had changed rather than changing before our eyes. Grace’s main barrier to the relationship was her past and her inability to trust, which would have been fine if all her reservations didn’t go out the window the moment she noticed Ewan’s muscles. It was somewhat exhausting to see her have an intimate moment with Ewan, insist that it was just this one time, then flee because they couldn’t be together (due to his title and her emotional hang-ups). The cycle would repeat, and it didn’t feel like each encounter built on the previous one. I think I would have liked to see a continuous evolution where the two learned who the other had become in the 20 years they were apart, uncovering truths along the way and building back trust rather than this back-and-forth of ��we can’t be together” and “well, we can bang this one time but NO MORE after tonight.”

TL;DR: Despite including some delicious angst, Daring and the Duke ultimately relies on a cyclical romance and a lackluster plot, making this book a middling finale to the Bareknuckle Bastards series.

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dagenspear · 4 years

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Basic Plot Redo of THE LAST JEDI

I don't particularly hate TLJ, but I think the movie is not well done, to me, and I think I had different references for. I think they could've stood to have Rey be Luke's daughter and structure a story about the burden of legacy in TLJ. Lord willing, these are the ideas that God blessed me with:

First, an exploration of backstory:

I don’t fully mind what they did with Luke. In concept I like it, but I think there’s things left out that could round out the character and explore his characterization and reasons for his actions. Luke began a new jedi order. He married Mara Jade, they have a daughter, Rey, but then the emergence of a new dark side force begins, the first order rises and Luke doesn't understand why this has happened again. Anakin destroyed the sith. It should be over. While I don’t know if I’d go for this, but Mara Jade is killed in battle defending her daughter in the midst of a raid by the first order, maybe even the Knights Of Ren do it.

Luke, tormented by this, furiously digs for information about why this has begun again, and finds out the meaning of it, that the balance is a cycle, not a single event. When he senses the dark side in Ben, senses Snoke’s influence, he feels it all happen again, the fall of the jedi, the rise of the empire, the destruction of the family he has left. In that moment of fear and pain, shaken by the perception of his family being destroyed by a rise of another Vader, he allows his fear to drive him, and considers killing his nefew, maybe even in a way to almost spare him the pain that his future could bring him, taking out his lightsaber, but not igniting it, realizing that it would be wrong to do, maybe even seeing his robot hand, reminding him of the events of ROTJ.

But Ben senses that and lashes out in rage. The new jedi order is burned, his daughter gone, her dead he thinks and his powers gone. Luke sees this as almost the force punishing him for what he did. Casting out those remaining, among them a partner in his training Lor San Tekka, sending R2D2 with him.

Luke himself not realizing that Ben had taken Rey, feeling tempted to kill her to avoid a threat to his rightful Skywalker lineage, but being unable to kill his cousin, he wiped her mind of any training she’d gotten by Luke and abandoned her on Jakku. Lor San Tekka discovered Rey and that’s why he was there and was willing to reveal the map to Luke at this time. He believed the knowledge of his daughter being alive, would reignite the spark of hope inside him, a message he never had the chance to relay to Poe, before the first order attacked. Han considered this to be the case as well after meeting her and Leia sensed it after they met as well. Kylo began to see it after hearing about it.

Luke over the course of the movie does grow to rediscover his goals by the end. Through finding out that Rey is his daughter and connecting to her and admitting what he did with Ben, feeling like he's disconnected from the force as a punishment, seeing him considering killing Ben as not much different than what Vader had done when killing the younglings. He sees his 2nd chance in Rey. But this is hurt when Rey discovers that Luke didn't try to find her after she was taken. Luke is in shame by this, as Rey leaves. Luke is then confronted by either Yoda or Obi-Wan (or both), who explain to him that he's seen Vader in himself and thus saw his failure as if he would be like him, saying that Luke has lost sight of what made him him, and it wasn't being a jedi. Them telling him the folly of not seeing his own humanity, underneath being a jedi, confronting him with truth of what happened to Padme, who Luke has no memories of and hasn't connected with (seeing only the Vader/Anakin in himself), telling him that they sensed in her that the children were beginning to die in the womb, but she gave up every ounce of life force she had left to keep alive, in spite of not being a jedi or force sensitive. In the midst of this Luke realizes that he cut himself off from the force in his shame and self loathing, he wasn't being punished. He reaches through the force and out to Padme, seeing her after she's given birth to him, even in the present feeling the touch of her energy on his face, seeing her and Anakin. Luke resolves to go after Rey.

Leia still grieves for the loss of Han, but almost refuses to see her son as gone, this building to her outright attacking a first order village raid to try and lure Kylo to them, her confronting Kylo and practically daring him to kill her. He can't. But Kylo is forced to bring Leia to Snoke. We'd also develop Leia having trained as a jedi with Luke.

Rey was never raised, to her knowledge, with the idea of what potential she had. Into adulthood, she's confronted and dragged into that potential. After meeting Luke, she thinks he must've left her on Jakku. But Kylo, still through their link, tells her that he didn't do that and that he took her to kill her, but couldn't. Now, after discovering the pain and loss that comes with being a Skywalker, to the point of feeling abandoned and betrayed by Luke, her dad. After finding out that Luke didn't come looking for her, out of fear of finding her dead, she lashes out at him, angry and hurt, feeling abandoned and betrayed, telling him he has nothing to teach her. Then hunting down Kylo for the death of Han and Finn being hurt.

On the flipside there's Ben, someone who was raised in the Skywalker family, with knowledge of his potential, of his legacy, the idea that his bloodline has potential power that he thinks is his birthright, but it's just out of his reach, and he becomes bitter and feels cheated out of what he sees as rightfully his. And when tempted by the darkside, he doesn't choose to resist, seeing it as his way to get the true power of a Skywalker. He could resent Han for being normal, a mere pilot, seeing him as apart of his weakness. After killing his dad, his pain is crippling, something he takes out on his fodder, in the midst of his final training with Snoke. This grows to a rage and resentment against Snoke and the first order, as he and the Knights Of Ren are used as a weapon to invade worlds and plunder children, and particularly after Snoke forces Kylo to bring Leia to him.

Finn may be more committed to Rey, but he himself also has begun to see what these people are dying for, and does decide to help Poe and the resistance, when Leia gets herself captured as a way for them to pinpoint a location of Snoke. Helping them break into a stormtrooper training facility to use their network to track Kylo's ship to Snoke, them seeing children being taken by the first order, and him deciding to try and help them, only to fail when Phasma, rather than let the kids go free, has some of them killed. Leading to Finn seeing the unfortunate side effect of caring, the pain of failure and loss. Him reacting badly to this and in a rage hunting down and killing Phasma.

With Poe, detail his backstory as almost someone with a death wish, whose looking to die in a blaze of glory in his mind. His parents, former rebels, killed by the last remnants of the empire, him becoming someone who doesn't get particularly attached. His arc being him finding something to live for, instead of die for, as he and Finn try and rescue the children taken to be indoctrinated by the first order. When pinned in some rubble, he cuts his hand off to ensure, he can protect the children and secure their way out.

All of these plots begin to converge on Snoke's ship. Leia is brought to Snoke by Ben. But Leia shocked to discover that Snoke is a force projection.

In a reveal, we'd see that Ben, seeking the power he felt he deserved as a Skywalker, tapped into the dark side and in mental disconnection, it has manifested itself as Snoke, the darkest parts of Ben's mind given life by the dark side energy he'd absorbed.

It pushes Kylo to kill Leia, as she tries to reach him. He lashes out in a rage and kills the Snoke manifestation, taking it into himself and taking in all the power of the dark side.

Rey charges Kylo in her rage, and tries to kill him, but Kylo defeats her. His powers outmatching hers, tossing her off to the Knights. Luke arrives in time, brandishing his green light saber, facing Kylo and (though this is more a suggestion) but Luke taking Anakin's lightsaber and passing it off to Leia, to assist. As Rey steals one of the Knights weapons and tries to fight them off. Them both battling Kylo and trying to reach him. Kylo exclaiming that he's building a legacy, beyond the Skywalkers now. Luke and Leia firing back that all he is another dark sider leading a stormtrooper army.

Kylo, realizing they're right, uses his powers to turn all the ships of the first order on eachother, stating a new path, "No more stormtroopers, no more death stars, no more empire." Making the statement of the dark side being the only thing left, and using the ships weapons to destroy eachother, even Snoke's ship, Kylo casually protecting himself from the destruction. Rey is the first the recover and tries to catch Kylo off guard, who stomps her, wounds her and in a petty slash of vengeance, slices the lightsaber over Rey's left eye, blinding her in it and scarring her. He lifts his lightsaber up and brings it down as a final blow, but Leia takes the hit for Rey. Kylo, for all his villainy, is still enraged at this and tears the already damaged ship apart in his pain and anger. This allows Luke and Rey to escape with a dying Leia. (I did this in the hindsight of Carrie's passing.)

Leia tells Luke she knows what happened and she forgives him. Luke apologizing for Han and what he did, promising he won't give up again. Rey, devestated at what she sees as her fault, tries to help, refuses to believes there isn't a way. Luke holds her off, her crying, as she apologizes to Leia. Who simply reminds her that they all make mistakes and apart of her believes her son isn't gone. Luke reaffirming that with the no one's ever really gone line. And with that Leia peacefully passes away.

And with that we end the movie:

Luke having re-established his goal of heroism and maybe even left as a resistance leader.

Poe, seeing himself as having found something to live for.

Finn being driven by a desire for revenge upon any remnants of the FO.

And Rey, as she stands out in front of the forcefield of the x-wing bay, in the starship, over looking an ocean of stars, holding Anakin's lightsaber. She, in a rejection of the Skywalker legacy and the pain and death that comes with it, throws the lightsaber into space.

The movie ending on her standing in front of that ocean of stars.

THE END

Please review and tell me what you think!

#reysky #rey skywalker #anti+reylo #anti st #anti tlj

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cromwxll · 5 years

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“𝐖𝐇𝐎 𝐀𝐌 𝐈?....

𝒀 𝑶 𝑼 𝑲 𝑵 𝑶 𝑾 𝑾 𝑯 𝑶 𝑰 𝑨 𝑴.”

-- 𝐑𝐇𝐘𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐃 ● 𝐒𝐀𝐋𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐄 ● 𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐋 --

ENTJ - THE COMMANDER \ TYPE 8 - THE PROTECTIVE CHALLENGER

𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒 are natural-born leaders. People with this personality type embody the gifts of charisma and confidence, and project authority in a way that draws crowds together behind a common goal. However, 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒 are also characterized by an often ruthless level of rationality, using their drive, determination and sharp minds to achieve whatever end they’ve set for themselves. Perhaps it is best that they make up only three percent of the population, lest they overwhelm the more timid and sensitive personality types that make up much of the rest of the world – but we have 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒 to thank for many of the businesses and institutions we take for granted every day.

--- 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 ---

If there’s anything Commanders love, it’s a good challenge, big or small, and they firmly believe that given enough time and resources, they can achieve any goal. This quality makes people with the Commander personality type brilliant entrepreneurs, and their ability to think strategically and hold a long-term focus while executing each step of their plans with determination and precision makes them powerful business leaders. This determination is often a self-fulfilling prophecy, as Commanders push their goals through with sheer willpower where others might give up and move on, and their Extraverted (E) nature means they are likely to push everyone else right along with them, achieving spectacular results in the process.

At the negotiating table, be it in a corporate environment or buying a car, Commanders are dominant, relentless, and unforgiving. This isn’t because they are coldhearted or vicious per se – it’s more that Commander personalities genuinely enjoy the challenge, the battle of wits, the repartee that comes from this environment, and if the other side can’t keep up, that’s no reason for Commanders to fold on their own core tenet of ultimate victory.

If there’s anyone Commanders respect, it’s someone who is able to stand up to them intellectually, who is able to act with a precision and quality equal to their own. Commander personalities have a particular skill in recognizing the talents of others, and this helps in both their team-building efforts (since no one, no matter how brilliant, can do everything alone), and to keep Commanders from displaying too much arrogance and condescension. However, they also have a particular skill in calling out others’ failures with a chilling degree of insensitivity, and this is where Commanders really start to run into trouble.

Emotional expression isn’t the strong suit of any Analyst type, but Commanders’ distance from their emotions is especially public, and felt directly by a much broader swath of people. Especially in a professional environment, Commanders will simply crush the sensitivities of those they view as inefficient, incompetent or lazy. To people with the Commander personality type, emotional displays are displays of weakness, and it’s easy to make enemies with this approach – Commanders will do well to remember that they absolutely depend on having a functioning team, not just to achieve their goals, but for their validation and feedback as well, something Commanders are, curiously, very sensitive to.

Commanders are true powerhouses, and they cultivate an image of being larger than life – and often enough they are. They need to remember though, that their stature comes not just from their own actions, but from the actions of the team that props them up, and that it’s important to recognize the contributions, talents and needs, especially from an emotional perspective, of their support network. Even if they have to adopt a "fake it ‘til you make it" mentality, if Commanders are able to combine an emotionally healthy focus alongside their many strengths, they will be rewarded with deep, satisfying relationships and all the challenging victories they can handle.

- STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES

EFFICIENT – Commanders see inefficiency not just as a problem in its own right, but as something that pulls time and energy away from all their future goals, an elaborate sabotage consisting of irrationality and laziness. People with the Commander personality type will root out such behavior wherever they go.

ENERGETIC – Rather than finding this process taxing Commanders are energized by it, genuinely enjoying leading their teams forward as they implement their plans and goals.

SELF-CONFIDENT – Commanders couldn’t do this if they were plagued by self-doubt – they trust their abilities, make known their opinions, and believe in their capacities as leaders.

STRONG-WILLED – Nor do they give up when the going gets tough – Commander personalities strive to achieve their goals, but really nothing is quite as satisfying to them as rising to the challenge of each obstacle in their run to the finish line.

STRATEGIC THINKER – Commanders exemplify the difference between moment-to-moment crisis management and navigating the challenges and steps of a bigger plan, and are known for examining every angle of a problem and not just resolving momentary issues, but moving the whole project forward with their solutions.

CHARISMATIC AND INSPIRING – These qualities combine to create individuals who are able to inspire and invigorate others, who people actually want to be their leaders, and this in turn helps Commanders to accomplish their often ambitious goals that could never be finished alone.

STUBBORN AND DOMINANT – Sometimes all this confidence and willpower can go too far, and Commanders are all too capable of digging in their heels, trying to win every single debate and pushing their vision, and theirs alone.

INTOLERANT – “It’s my way or the highway” – People with the Commander personality type are notoriously unsupportive of any idea that distracts from their primary goals, and even more so of ideas based on emotional considerations. Commanders won’t hesitate a second to make that fact clear to those around them.

IMPATIENT – Some people need more time to think than others, an intolerable delay to quick-thinking Commanders. They may misinterpret contemplation as stupidity or disinterest in their haste, a terrible mistake for a leader to make.

ARROGANT – Commander personalities respect quick thoughts and firm convictions, their own qualities, and look down on those who don’t match up. This relationship is a challenge for most other personality types who are perhaps not timid in their own right, but will seem so beside overbearing Commanders.

POOR HANDLING OF EMOTIONS – All this bluster, alongside the assumed supremacy of rationalism, makes Commanders distant from their own emotional expression and sometimes downright scornful of others’. People with this personality type often trample others’ feelings, inadvertently hurting their partners and friends, especially in emotionally charged situations.

COLD AND RUTHLESS – Their obsession with efficiency and unwavering belief in the merits of rationalism, especially professionally, makes Commanders incredibly insensitive in pursuing their goals, dismissing personal circumstances, sensitivities, and preferences as irrational and irrelevant.

--- 𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐌 𝐓𝐘𝐏𝐄 𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 : 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 ---

𝐀𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 | 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭 | 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 | 𝐁𝐢𝐠-𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝 | 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥

Of all the Enneagram Types, 8s stand out for their decisiveness, strength, take charge nature, and confidant reliance upon themselves. They often have strong leadership skills, influence and the ability to empower others and make a strong impact on the world. When their values for truth and justice, are combined with their intelligence, courage, and stamina to protect and defend others, they reflect the power and protection of God.

CORE FEAR - Being weak, powerless, harmed, controlled, vulnerable, manipulated, and left at the mercy of injustice

CORE DESIRE - Protecting yourself and those in your inner circle

CORE WEAKNESS - Lust/Excess—constantly desiring intensity, control, and power; pushing yourself willfully on life and people in order to get what you desire.

CORE LONGING - "You will not be betrayed."

KEY MOTIVATIONS - Type Eights seek to have an impact on the world and to stay in control. They want to be self-reliant, to assert themselves, to prevail over others, and to be invincible.

KEY OBJECTIONS - Type Eights avoid feeling out of control, unsupported, vulnerable or weak. They don’t want their decisions or authority questioned, to be humiliated, or to be surprised by others’ unexpected actions.

- OVERVIEW OF A TYPE 8 AT THEIR BEST AND THEIR WORST

Type Eights engage life with a confident intensity, strength and a determination to make things happen. Their decisive and assertive leadership style causes them to be powerful change agents in the world, especially when seeking justice and protection for others.

However, in our world of sin and injustice where people are taken advantage of, they feel an intense need to protect themselves against betrayal and powerlessness by always having an invincible exterior and minimizing any personal vulnerability.

Their fear of weakness and vulnerability, joined with their thirst for control, power and justice, apart from Christ, can lead them to be too blunt, confrontational, insensitive, domineering, cynical, and even vengeful. Their attempt to provide protection for themselves by living with a thick steel over their hearts because of the tenderness in their heart. Underneath their outward strength is a major fear of betrayal. While other Types fear people and become passive, Eights fear people and become aggressive. Their personality says, "I’ll control them before they can control me."

Inevitably, this self-protection ends up doing more harm than good. To protect themselves they will live in denial, suppressing any emotions that cause them to feel vulnerable, out of control or exposed, living as though they never existed.

In relationship with others, Type Eights can end up sacrificing intimacy so that their weaknesses can’t be discovered and used against them. Denying themselves closeness and tenderness with others as well as the giving or receiving of forgiveness leaves them feeling incomplete, missing out on the intimacy and support for which they were created.

When Type Eights’ hearts surrender their fear of betrayal, and rely on Christ, they can relinquish their need for control and allow people to see an endearing vulnerability and compassionate strength. From that place they can better protect the innocent from injustice, empower others, and put their strength of leadership to use for the greater good.

--- 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄 ---

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION ( 9 )

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

QUALITY TIME ( 7 )

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

ACTS OF SERVICE ( 6 )

Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

PHYSICAL TOUCH ( 5 )

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

RECEIVING GIFTS ( 3 )

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.

-- @gallaghermissions --

GIF CREDIT XXX

#gallagher:task #bc dea made me do it

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vanja-novak · 5 years

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Lovely Sad (Flashback)

It was three, almost four weeks into the summer, and Vanja had yet to hear back from his boyfriend in that entire time span. It wasn’t like him to worry, but considering they had seen each other so often at school, it felt odd to have him just up and disappear like like. Maybe he was busy? That could make sense, considering he had just graduated from school and Vanja still had another year to go. That must have been the reason, surely, that his owls all summer had gone unanswered.

Vanja wasn’t clingy, and he certainly wasn’t that person who desperately needed to be around whoever they were dating all the time. He didn’t need to see or talk to anyone that much, other than perhaps his sister. Though he was starting to agree that it was strange, that someone who you had spent an entire school year in a relationship with wouldn’t want to return your letters. It wasn’t as if he could have moved, and the letter got lost. That didn’t happen with wizard post. Owls were very proficient in getting their deliveries made, so he had no doubt that the letters were being delivered, unless there was someone intercepting them, which... he had considered, but only briefly. It seemed highly unlikely.

Whatever the reason was, Vanja didn’t seem too concerned. The weather in Bulgaria was nice, July being their warmest month. Considering how cold and brutal the winters were there, this was like a total 180 switch. Vanja had been laying out on his front lawn, legs spread slightly with his hands folded neatly across his chest. His dark curls came down just above his eyes, which were closed to block out the sun, soaking up the warmth as the grass beneath him pricked at the back of his neck. Here, in this moment, nothing could have bothered him. Nothing except the fact that their owl had just flew in, it’s shadow swooping over Vanja’s head as he perched delicately on one of the fence posts.

Opening his eyes and tipping back his head, Vanja watched for a moment before pushing himself up and going to retrieve today’s post. Rewarding the creature for its service, Vanja untied the bundle of letters that they had retrieved, and instantly his expression changed from blank to bewildered, almost as if he couldn’t possibly be reading this correctly. All of the letters tied to the bundle were letters he had sent, all of the ones that had gone unanswered, returned back to him, unopened. He had never even looked at them...

Confusion and anger bubbled in the pit of his stomach as their postal owl took off, Vanja rushing back into his house without a word as he shoved the letters into a pocket. Since he wasn’t old enough to risk using magic outside of school, Vanja knew that he would have to find other means of getting outside of his house other than apparation. Luckily, there was always the floo network, which he had used quite often, though never by himself. There was a first time for everything, however, and Vanja needed, deserved, answers.

When his mother happened to walk into the living room just as he was grabbing a handful of floo powder, he muttered something along the lines of be back later, I know where I’m going, and took off, naming one of the wizarding towns in Bulgaria where he knew that he would find who he was looking for. From what he remembered, talking to him at the end of the year, his boyfriend had mentioned having a job at one of the shops there. Vanja didn’t visit this particular town all that frequently, but he knew his way around, and exactly where the shop was.

He arrived, not having a plan of what he was going to do or say when he confronted him, not even sure if he would be working that day, but his gut told him to go anyway. Besides, there was enough rage slowly building in him to lose all common sense anyway. Even if he made a scene, he didn’t care, he was going to get a response out of him. Why he hand’t even bothered to open the damn letters Vanja sent.

It didn’t take long at all for him to find the store, pushing the door open, not caring that he almost hit someone who had walked by. They shouldn’t have been standing so close to the door anyway, after all. Within thirty seconds, less, even, he saw him, standing at the counter. At first, Vanja said nothing, rather he rushed up there and threw down the letters onto the counter, staring into the man’s eyes. He looked shocked, embarrassed, and a bit angry, all at once, but Vanja didn’t care. “What is the meaning of this? You have the nerve to send them back, not evening opening them?” he yelled, his native tongue harsher than English. Besides, he knew the male would understand that better anyway.

He was speechless, so Vanja continued. “Something could have happened to you, or something could have happened to me, and neither of us would know.” That was when the man asked him to calm down, though it wasn’t in a reassuring town. It was an you’re embarrassing me tone of voice, which only fueled his anger. “Why have you been avoiding me? What, do I only matter to you in school? I wasn’t aware our relationship was seasonal.”

The man stared, silently, his eyes darting around the room as if he were looking for some sort of escape route. However, every time he tried to avert Vanja’s eyes, he was met by the familiar jade color following his every move. Vanja... we were never in a relationship.

Bullshit. Vanja’s eyes widened, pupils dilating furiously. “What the fuck are you playing at?” he demanded. The people who had once filled the shop either started to file out, or give the two space, but it was obvious that the lot were listening. It wasn’t serious. Just fun, you know? You should go...

There wasn’t a lot that could make Vanja lose control of his emotions, as he had spent his years hardening himself to avoid anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns specifically due to reasons like this. He never wanted to be seen as vulnerable, as having a weakness that people could prey on, but this? Toying with his emotions and then ripping them out just like that? It took every ounce of composure in his body not to lose everything in the middle of the store. “Fine.” As he turned to leave, his emotions on the outside may have been rather well contained, the only hint of truth being the slight shimmer haunting the corners of his eyes, on the inside it was obvious he was upset, and when a bit of wandless magic occurred on his way out, others around them had probably clued in.

Items from the shelves of the store had come crashing to the ground, several people shrieked in fright, and his ex-boyfriend —or, ex fling— was left to clean up shards of broken glass. Serves that bastard right, Vanja thought to himself as he stormed out of the building and back to the floo network entrance that he needed to take to go home. All the while, he didn’t dare let so much as a single tear stain his cheek while someone else could see him. He wouldn’t allow it.

Everything between storming out of the store and getting back home had been a blur. Vanja was lucky he could concentrate long enough to take the right exit in the network, landing in his home fireplace with a thud. There was ash everywhere that he knew he would have to clean up later, and he was covered in grey soot, but he had to make it up the stairs before anyone noticed that he was back. Scrambling to his feet, he had tripped on the loose floor board in the living room that he always seemed to forget was there, muttering a curse under his breath before fumbling his way up the stairs and to his room, thankfully with no interruption. Only when he was in the comfort and safety of his bed did he allow all of the emotions to come pooling out.

Vanja furiously wiped away tears streaming from green eyes tainted darker with anger, though it was no use when they kept on coming. It felt like everything in him had broken the moment he heard those words, and he had been trying to hold himself together with spello-tape until he was in the privacy of his own bedroom. It wasn’t serious. What the hell did that even mean? If it wasn’t serious, why did they put a label on things? Why tell everyone you were with someone, to turn around and claim it was all just fun and games?

The anxiety started creeping up his throat, slowly, and then all at once, and suddenly he couldn’t breath, and he reached for his throat, attempting to grasp at air that he couldn’t reach, his hand sinking to his chest as he started to hyperventilate. Breathe, Vanja... breathe... he tried to tell himself, but it was like all of the oxygen in the room was being sucked out by some invisible force, and for a moment he wondered if this was a similar feeling that people who had ever received a dementor’s kiss were subjected to. A fucked up thought to have in the middle of an anxiety attack, no doubt, but his mind had often traveled to stranger places.

Sputtering and coughing profusely, Vanja hunched over in his bed, closing his eyes and willing for it to be over, trying to imagine the techniques he usually used when feeling anxious, and implementing them, though it was only working in small doses. He drew his hands away from his chest and threaded them through the tangled mess of curls, tugging at them to offer a distraction from the fact that his survival instincts were struggling to kick in and keep him alive. It seemed to work a bit better, though his eyes stung now, as he slammed them shut and focused intensely on regulating his breathing. There had been attacks in the past, but none of them like this. Slowly, tantalizingly slowly, his breathing started to normalize, and for a moment he wondered if that was the end of it.

Then, the itching started, like a burning in his arms, that wouldn’t go away. Clawing at the skin, he rose from his position, continuing to inhale and exhale slowly as his nails dug into the skin and left lines half a foot long embedded into his flesh. That wasn’t good enough though, as the sensation didn’t stop, and the urge to continue scratching was growing increasingly stronger the more he did it. Slow scratching turned into rapid repeated scratching, the hyperventilating coming back as tears continued to stain his cheeks, now blotchy and burning hot. So hot he swore in that moment you could probably light a fire with them. It took breaking skin to realize that he needed to stop, and when he looked down to see what he had done, it was almost like there was nothing left to be sad about.

Ashamed of the harm he had caused himself, his sadness quickly turned to anger. Clenching his fists, he turned to the nearest wall and punched it. Whether they had thin walls, or his adrenaline was just incredibly high after all of that, he didn’t know. However, there was no hiding that something was incredibly wrong after the commotion he caused, and the hand shaped hole in the wall. Vanja pressed his back to the cool surface, sliding down it until he dropped to the floor, curling up in a ball and burying his head between his knees, his hands folded on the back of his neck, cut up and bleeding.

It wasn’t serious. “Bullshit. It was serious to me.”

#/when you're sad you start sad things #self harm tw #anxiety tw #blood tw

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thesimplyluxuriouslife · 5 years

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254: 26 Ways to Ensure Happy Singledom at Any Stage of Our Life's Journey

"Across the world, despite all prejudices and beliefs against it, singlehood is the growing trend." —Elyakim Kislev , author of Happy Singlehood: The Rising Acceptance and Celebration of Solo Living

It is highly beneficial to understand the construction of our beliefs regarding singledom, so that after discarding the myths and acknowledging the realities, we can "freely choose whatever lifestyle fits [us] best".

With the life expectancy in most developed countries rising to just under 80 years, it is a statistical probability that all of us will be living single or solo at some point in our lives whether by choice or circumstances, and consequently, knowing how to enjoy being single is a skill that would be most beneficial to acquire.

Depending upon our innate temperaments, which is different than our personalities, each of us is more predisposed to be comfortable or prefer more or less social engagement. And depending upon what we most enjoy doing in our careers and in our free time, we will be more or less inclined to seek out companionship for long or short durations.

Elyakim Kislev's new book, which was released in February, includes extensive research and an abundance of studies that demonstrate the reality of our modern world that no matter what you prefer, will enable each of us to live more consciously and thus more fully, as well as support others in our lives who choose to live in a manner we may not prefer or choose.

The first powerful finding that spoke to me was the acknowledgement of an unspoken truth regarding marriage (these studies involves a large majority of the industrialized world, not just the United States) - why do people step more easily into marriage even with modernizations of the world we live in today.

Studies have actually proven that the 51% of individuals entering into marriage acknowledge that it is "a fear of aging alone or dying without anyone at our bedside that drives us into marriage".

"Marriage may not be such a good way to escape loneliness in old age. Not only do married people feel lonely in surprisingly high numbers, but also long-term singles are often better equipped to deal with loneliness later in life".

Yes, that does then mean 49% of people did not report this as a reason, but that alone should give us pause, especially when we know that the divorce rate is nearly as proportionate and the percentage of a second divorce is higher still. While each couple's situation is uniquely alone, to not address this fear is to place an undeserved burden on individual we are marrying. In fact, studies have proven, when we do address this fear, as those who have never married do, earlier in our lives, the individual is more likely to make the best decision for themselves and thus improve their overall happiness no matter what the decision may be.

Many TSLL readers/listeners know I am single and have been for the majority of my life. Don't worry, this is not a post/episode advocating for being single if you are either already in a happy marriage, happy relationship or wish to be coupled. Rather today's posting will hopefully broaden our understanding of the realities of societal norms, motivations, pressures, expectations, unconscious biases and realities so that whatever your life's journey is and will be, it is one made with a clear mind that has discarded the myths and is then able to make the best decisions for you and the life you wish to lead. True contentment, in other words, is the goal of today's posting.

26 Ways to Ensure Happy Singledom

~Each of these points are discussed in detail in the audio version of this podcast episode. I encourage you to tune in for further clarification of each point or pick up the book Happy Singlehood from which each of these points were inspired.

1.Assess honestly your self-perception of how you define loneliness and where that definition was constucted.

2. Build and continually nurture a strong social well-being

Having a strong social well-being helps eradicate or reduce social loneliness and emotional loneliness as you will have people in your life in which you feel close to and may turn to (emotional), as well as have both intimate and peripheral acquaintances that give you a sense of belonging (social).

~Listen to Episode #92 - Elements of a Strong Social Well-Being - for further discussion on the construction.

3. Conduct a life review: Self-reflect and find peace with your journey thus far

"Happy older singles [have] the ability to look back and gain control over the circumstances that led to being single".

4. Celebrate and exercise the ability to make your own decisions

5. Revel in your solitude - produce your own "show" so to speak

6. Take responsibility for your own contentment

~View a long list of archived posts and episodes on cultivating true contentment or pick up my 2nd book - Living The Simply Luxurious Life

7. Distinguish between the myths regarding marriage and singlehood and reality

Myth versus reality:

"Young people fear being physically vulnerable in old age more than elders [actually] do".

"Fifty-seven percent of the eighteen-to-sixty-four-year old population anticipate memory loss in old age, while only 25 percent of those aged sixty-five and above actually experience it. Furthermore, while 42 percent expect serious illness in old age, only 21 percent of those aged sixty-five and above experience the same."

"While an expectation of loneliness arises among 29 percent of young people, only 17 percent experience loneliness in old age."

8. Foresee and prepare for potential emergencies

In other words, financial planning - engage with it early, often and regularly, craft a living will, construct your own "family" - .

9. Engage with your community for resources, connection and engagement

10. Learn how to socially engage as a singleton in a manner that makes you feel safe and fulfilled

11. Refrain from seeing marriage as a form of "self-validation".

In other words, seek validation from within, as society's values are limiting, dynamic and generalized.

~A post you might enjoy on this topic: First, Seek Self-Approval

12. Use your time being single as a time for self-growth and development - find the road to your truest self

~A post you might enjoy on this topic: Why Not . . . Live Alone for a While?

13. Maintain and strengthen your overall health - physical and mental

~An episode you might enjoy on this topic: The Six Pillars of Good Health, episode #212

14. If you are a pet person, welcome a pet into your life.

15. Confront the fears that are causing you to assume marriage is the answer to assuage them before you get married for the wrong reasons.

16. Simply be aware of the social stigmas, discrimination and pressures placed on singles.

Doing so will enable you to confront and effectively deal with situations when they arise in a productive way to potentially bring more awareness to the realities and discrimination that exists.

17. Have a positive self-image and self-perception of your life as someone who is single

Present yourself to the world, whether at work or in your personal life as the confident and happy person that you are - some who happens to be single - knowing that is not all that defines you. Gradually, images change when we put a face to the reality.

18. Build your self-confidence

Find work and hobbies in which you feel valued and accomplished - this could be in your career, in your hobbies or in your social network. Be willing to try new things, and as you see that you can learn, change, improve and grow, you begin to realize you hold more power to cultivate the life you love than you may have realized - thus your confidence grows.

~An episode you might enjoy on the topic: Confidence: How to Gain It & Why It's Invaluable, episode #5

19. Consciously avoid the social pressure and discrimination

In other words, your attention gives validation. And if you choose not speak up, what is said or done is deemed as acceptable. Whether it is the conversations you listen to or engage in, the people you spend time with, the films you pay to see, the music you listen to, etc., your time, money and attention are powerful - give it consciously.

20. Speak up and confront discrimination when it occurs

Often people aren't even aware of their bias regarding marriage being the "best" option. Construct a parallel question to those who ask "Why are you still single?" or "I'm still keeping an eye out for you." There are some great ones in the book. Make sure to keep the comment or question equal to what was received so that the speaker can see the error of their words and assumptions.

21. Seek a career or a calling that gives you purpose, in which you feel you are contributing something of value to the world.

22. Find a balance with work and leisure

23. Let your curiosities guide you to seek out educational opportunities for growth

24. Strengthen your three pillars of good health - physical, mental and financial

25. Acknowledge and cultivate manageable household responsibilites

26. Recognize that choosing and embracing being single is not out of weakness or selfishness, but of strength and awareness to connect often more consciously.

"As singles, we know more than anybody else that true independence is actually interdependence."

We liberate ourselves when we recognize there are many different ways to live well in our modern world. And even for those who do not fully or will never accept that there is more than one traditional way to live contentedly and contribute to society positively, as well as giving ourselves the opportunity to be self-actualized, when we model the reality rather than the myth, we encourage others to explore and reach their full potential as well. A more content world is a peaceful world.

If anyone is so fortunate to find a partner to enjoy life with should they wish to and be able to reach their fullest potential without feeling they are limited, confined or lonely in something they "should" be doing, what a magnificent awesome union. Losing such a person, no matter what our age would be heartbreaking, but we can only control and strengthen ourselves, and when we strengthen the muscle of self-reflection, acknowlegement of fears rather than a suppression, we set ourselves free to live well throughout the entirity of our life's journey.

The responsibility each of us has is to not place upon someone else's shoulders that which we are capable of doing ourselves. When we take on this responsibility of cultivating our own happiness and contentment, we will see more clearly what path we truly wish to travel, we will strengthen all of our relationships as we recognize we are interconnected in large and small ways, and we will give ourselves a deep breath of relief and excitement for the next step in our journey forward.

~SIMILAR POSTS/EPISODES YOU MIGHT ENJOY:

~Why Not . . . Be A Confident Single Woman?

~Single or Married: 20 Things To Do

~The Truths & Myths of the Independent, Single Woman, episode #94

Petit Plaisir:

~Daily Rituals: Women at Work by Mason Curry

Tune in to the latest episode of The Simple Sophisticate podcast

#tsllpodcast thesimplesophisticate

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dartmythcollege-blog · 5 years

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TW: SA

Dear President Hanlon (and also, To Whom It May Concern),

As a sophomore at Dartmouth, I was sexually assaulted after a fraternity party. This experience has impacted my life physically, emotionally, and financially in ways I could never imagine. The alienation I faced from 2005 to 2007 at Dartmouth as a sexual assault victim who reported the attack was harrowing and demoralizing in many ways. Once full of hopes and dreams that I would be a graduate of a prestigious Ivy League college, my experience completely took the wind out of my sails as a young adult preparing to forge my way in the world.

After my sexual assault, which was reported to police but not ultimately prosecuted, my Dartmouth peers wrote horrible things on the Internet about wishing I was dead. I faced regular shame and ridicule which I have internalized for years. At one point toward the end of my time at Dartmouth, I honestly feared for my safety and had to seek refuge in a safe dorm on campus. On graduation day, I barely walked across the stage, teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

Part of the reason it took so long for me to come to terms with the level of abuse I accepted at Dartmouth was that I left college during stressful times in late 2007 when it was very difficult for young graduates to find work. It was arguably even harder for a young graduate like me who suffered sexual and emotional trauma and was effectively “cast out” from the Dartmouth network. Ever since, I have had extreme financial challenges for most of the time (and while at school I was on a scholarship and came from a bankrupt family with very limited income). Dealing with this reality while working to recover from abuse has been difficult to bear.

Willing myself to do the typical Ivy League career-building things to land a solid job after graduation proved nearly impossible. On top of it, I was suffering from crippling anxiety and depression stemming from experiencing severe trauma without a safety net. I felt— for good reason, I might add— that it was completely unsafe to speak about my past experiences. When it came time to network and schmooze under these extreme circumstances, I couldn’t bring myself to lie to people’s faces when they asked me about my time at Dartmouth. Many times after a job interview I would be reduced to tears, after having to keep a straight face with an interviewer while simultaneously ruminating about the difficult experiences which scarred my psyche.

People would enviously remark on my Dartmouth education during a job interview, about what a great experience it must have been. I wanted them to know the whole story, about how much suffering and sacrifice was required to ultimately hold that fancy parchment diploma. But it was a story that stayed buried for many years, hidden by shame and a desire to pick myself up by my bootstraps so to speak, to turn the other cheek and find steady work and succeed in spite of the things that happened to me.

To this day I have yet to find a permanent job that has offered me health insurance benefits— my English degree is just as unmarketable as everyone warned me it would be when I was working to obtain it. And on top of it all, I have learned that the very English degree I worked so hard to earn is not even of much use when it comes to speaking truth about all of these painful and terrible things now that the time has come for revelation and reckoning, which is long overdue.

I cannot even use my English degree to define what happened to me as “sexual assault” and “rape” without encountering significant legal risk. Whether I am allowed to identify my attacker as a rapist who committed sexual assault is currently up for debate in federal court. Even though those definitions are clear and defined by the FBI, and even though the crimes I reported to the police fall well within those definitional guidelines.

My prestigious degree should at the very least render me capable and competent to define subjects on clearly defined and cited terms. What was the point of me earning a degree in Creative Writing if I cannot even use it to write about something deeply personal of extreme importance, which seems to be increasingly relevant to the shared experiences of many other victims? What power does my degree have if my very attacker can use the power his own Dartmouth degree has afforded him to effectively render me mute?

As victims we are damned in silence and anonymity, and damned in speaking and emerging from the shadows. We are damned as we are shamed into pretending everything is OK, and damned as we are implicitly asked to hold our lips and make nice anytime anyone asks about Dartmouth. Rather than take this significant moment to truly engage with the victims of the community, Dartmouth has acted to create policies to encourage people to move on and stop talking about the problem, long before it has truly been solved. Dartmouth has explicitly stated that the class action against them should be divided, and to me the strategy for dividing the voices of victims to me seems clear. If we are divided, we cannot stand together. Things can get settled and agreements can be signed to keep quiet. Things can easily get buried once again.

It seems there is no fair path forward for victims to seek reconciliation, as victims seem to be judged more harshly by the community than those who committed heinous acts of sexual abuse in the first place. This demonization comes no matter how we behave as victims, which is why it is no surprise that some victims would choose to remain anonymous in the face of such retraumatizing tactics.

The moment I began speaking out again, I began to face the threat of a very expensive lawsuit. As a result of the limited ways I began writing publicly about my experiences, I am accused in a court of law of being a lying, defaming, and gold digging opportunist, among other things. Members of the homegrown terrorist “incel” community have made statements about how I need “to be raped and burned alive.” One said he wanted to find me and “slit [my] throat,” and fantasized about hurting my family. All because I now face the challenge of my assailant accusing me of defamation, and attempting to put all of my speech and my life on trial as the price to pay for uttering forbidden words shielded under a veil of omertà. I sometimes wonder if the stakes would be lower if I’d joined the Mafia instead of attending Dartmouth.

Back when I was at Dartmouth in the aftermath of my assault, I was unable to receive psychological care at the college because there was an emergency shortage of therapists and psychiatrists available. There was an impossibly long waiting list, and ultimately I was unable to receive the care that I needed and deserved. Which is why the accusations being leveled against the Psychological and Brain Sciences department are, to me, beyond the pale. Abusers were sanctioned and paid by the college to continue academic research in the field of psychology, and meanwhile victims were being swept under the rug and denied psychological care.

To say this is a lost opportunity in the field of psychology is an understatement. For me, poverty and governmental policy kept me from accessing necessary therapy after graduation for several years. It was only years later under the care of many therapists that I ultimately began to fully accept and come to terms with the truth about Dartmouth, which is something I ran from in early adulthood and tried unsuccessfully to forget. I sometimes wonder what my healing process would have looked like if I had been afforded community support and an adequate safety net.

I fear a generation of future female leaders has been lost to the reality of scapegoating and re-victimization. These people could change the world if allowed to come together and given the space and resources to fully heal. We have not been given that opportunity, and we have been divided and silenced to weaken our cause. We have not been treated as stakeholders nor have we been given a seat at the table to foment change.

We are the voices that are needed to find lasting solutions which honor and rectify the lives of victims. Dartmouth can do much more to provide a platform and support to build a strong future for its victims in spite of the wrongs that happened to us at the college. Dartmouth needs to step up to recognize this festering wound at the core of its institution, and recognize the harmful experiences inflicted on its own community members. Professing ignorance, as the administrators do, seems to me almost like a cruel joke.

The first time I went to the mental hospital seeking treatment for a psychological breakdown, I met another troubled former Dartmouth student, Alix LeClair, in the women’s wing with me. She was having similar visions as I was about a resurgence of divine feminine energy, and the need for women to step forward and reclaim the sexual power they had relinquished to society and to others. We bonded over these ideals and compelling dreams and visions of an enlightened future, which the medical community was all too quick to label as sheer madness.

I came to find out she had also been abused at Dartmouth, and during her time there had protested and banged on the President’s door to his mansion late at night, to urgently give her message about honoring the feminine and dismantling the toxic patriarchy within the institution. At the time, I did not grasp it all and was focused on my own recovery. She and I went our separate ways after I was discharged and I never came back to see her at the hospital. I wish I had, because she died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months after we met. My good friend and sex educator Anna Zelinsky ‘06 still has a watch that Alix gave to me in the hospital, which reminds me that the time is always now and that I can no longer afford to avoid doing the difficult work of confronting the scary and difficult truth about Dartmouth College.

I have spent the past thirteen years of my life unpacking everything that happened to me during my time at Dartmouth. This unpacking has sent me several places including the federal court in the Eastern District of New York, cost tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars along with countless hours, and introduced me to dozens of other women who have suffered in ways all too similar to the ways I have suffered. Unraveling all of this has come at a great price, but it has also brought me closer to finding meaningful connections in the face of a lot of pain.

The time has come for Dartmouth to come to terms with the very real lives of the people who have been harmed by sexual violence and grotesque harassment on its campus. Because none of those costs are ever referenced in the marketing materials or the financial aid paperwork— and even with a scholarship, for me the price of losing my sexual autonomy as well as my voice has proven to be far too great of a price to bear.

At the very least, Dartmouth’s victims need representation and support. At the most, actions should be taken in a good faith effort to bring us closer to wholeness. Covering up the past and marching forward with new policy band-aids is not going to solve the problem of institutional rot, nor will it address the plight victims have faced and ultimately still face to this day. Dartmouth needs to take the opportunity to rise to the occasion of this “Call to Lead” they have foisted upon the community, take heed of this “red letter day,” and do better.

Monica Morrison, ‘07

#dartmyth250

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berniesrevolution · 6 years

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THE GUARDIAN

There is a global struggle taking place of enormous consequence. Nothing less than the future of the planet – economically, socially and environmentally – is at stake.

At a time of massive wealth and income inequality, when the world’s top 1% now owns more wealth than the bottom 99%, we are seeing the rise of a new authoritarian axis.

While these regimes may differ in some respects, they share key attributes: hostility toward democratic norms, antagonism toward a free press, intolerance toward ethnic and religious minorities, and a belief that government should benefit their own selfish financial interests. These leaders are also deeply connected to a network of multi-billionaire oligarchs who see the world as their economic plaything.

Those of us who believe in democracy, who believe that a government must be accountable to its people, must understand the scope of this challenge if we are to effectively confront it.

It should be clear by now that Donald Trump and the rightwing movement that supports him is not a phenomenon unique to the United States. All around the world, in Europe, in Russia, in the Middle East, in Asia and elsewhere we are seeing movements led by demagogues who exploit people’s fears, prejudices and grievances to achieve and hold on to power.

This trend certainly did not begin with Trump, but there’s no question that authoritarian leaders around the world have drawn inspiration from the fact that the leader of the world’s oldest and most powerful democracy seems to delight in shattering democratic norms.

Three years ago, who would have imagined that the United States would stay neutral between Canada, our democratic neighbor and second largest trading partner, and Saudi Arabia, a monarchic, client state that treats women as third-class citizens? It’s also hard to imagine that Israel’s Netanyahu government would have moved to pass the recent “nation state law”, which essentially codifies the second-class status of Israel’s non-Jewish citizens, if Benjamin Netanyahu didn’t know Trump would have his back.

All of this is not exactly a secret. As the US continues to grow further and further apart from our longtime democratic allies, the US ambassador to Germany recently made clear the Trump administration’s support for rightwing extremist parties across Europe.

In addition to Trump’s hostility toward democratic institutions we have a billionaire president who, in an unprecedented way, has blatantly embedded his own economic interests and those of his cronies into the policies of government.

Other authoritarian states are much farther along this kleptocratic process. In Russia, it is impossible to tell where the decisions of government end and the interests of Vladimir Putin and his circle of oligarchs begin. They operate as one unit. Similarly, in Saudi Arabia, there is no debate about separation because the natural resources of the state, valued at trillions of dollars, belong to the Saudi royal family. In Hungary, far-right authoritarian leader Viktor Orbán is openly allied with Putin in Russia. In China, an inner circle led by Xi Jinping has steadily consolidated power, clamping down on domestic political freedom while it aggressively promotes a version of authoritarian capitalism abroad.

We must understand that these authoritarians are part of a common front. They are in close contact with each other, share tactics and, as in the case of European and American rightwing movements, even share some of the same funders. The Mercer family, for example, supporters of the infamous Cambridge Analytica, have been key backers of Trump and of Breitbart News, which operates in Europe, the United States and Israel to advance the same anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim agenda. Republican megadonor Sheldon Adelson gives generously to rightwing causes in both the United States and Israel, promoting a shared agenda of intolerance and illiberalism in both countries.

The truth is, however, that to effectively oppose rightwing authoritarianism, we cannot simply go back to the failed status quo of the last several decades. Today in the United States, and in many other parts of the world, people are working longer hours for stagnating wages, and worry that their children will have a lower standard of living than they do.

Our job is to fight for a future in which new technology and innovation works to benefit all people, not just a few. It is not acceptable that the top 1% of the world’s population owns half the planet’s wealth, while the bottom 70% of the working age population accounts for just 2.7% of global wealth.

Together governments of the world must come together to end the absurdity of the rich and multinational corporations stashing over $21tn in offshore bank accounts to avoid paying their fair share of taxes and then demanding that their respective governments impose an austerity agenda on their working families.

It is not acceptable that the fossil fuel industry continues to make huge profits while their carbon emissions destroy the planet for our children and grandchildren.

It is not acceptable that a handful of multinational media giants, owned by a small number of billionaires, largely control the flow of information on the planet.

It is not acceptable that trade policies that benefit large multinational corporations and encourage a race to the bottom hurt working people throughout the world as they are written out of public view.

It is not acceptable that, with the cold war long behind us, countries around the world spend over $1tn a year on weapons of destruction, while millions of children die of easily treatable diseases.

In order to effectively combat the rise of the international authoritarian axis, we need an international progressive movement that mobilizes behind a vision of shared prosperity, security and dignity for all people, and that addresses the massive global inequality that exists, not only in wealth but in political power.

Such a movement must be willing to think creatively and boldly about the world that we would like to see. While the authoritarian axis is committed to tearing down a post-second world war global order that they see as limiting their access to power and wealth, it is not enough for us to simply defend that order as it exists now.

We must look honestly at how that order has failed to deliver on many of its promises, and how authoritarians have adeptly exploited those failures in order to build support for their agenda. We must take the opportunity to reconceptualize a genuinely progressive global order based on human solidarity, an order that recognizes that every person on this planet shares a common humanity, that we all want our children to grow up healthy, to have a good education, have decent jobs, drink clean water, breathe clean air and live in peace.

Our job is to reach out to those in every corner of the world who share these values, and who are fighting for a better world.

In a time of exploding wealth and technology, we have the potential to create a decent life for all people. Our job is to build on our common humanity and do everything that we can to oppose all of the forces, whether unaccountable government power or unaccountable corporate power, who try to divide us up and set us against each other. We know that those forces work together across borders. We must do the same.

Bernie Sanders is a US Senator from Vermont

We asked Yanis Varoufakis to comment on Bernie Sanders’ piece. Here is his response:

Bernie Sanders is spot-on. Financiers have long formed an international “brotherhood” to guarantee themselves international bailouts when their paper pyramids crash.

More recently, xenophobic rightwing zealots also formed their very own Nationalist International, turning once proud people against another so that they control their wealth and politics.

It is high time that Democrats from across the world form a Progressive International in the interests of a majority of people on every continent, in every country.

(Continue Reading)

#politics #the left #yanis varoufakis #bernie sanders #the guardian #foreign policy #capitalism #neo fascism #internationalism #trade agreements #trade policy #economic inequality #progressive #progressive movement #democratic socialism #socialism

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lledxela · 6 years

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Overwatch Anniversary Sprays and their meanings: 2018 Edition

Last year I made a post of all the card meanings, and this year I decided to update it!

Ana: Ace of Hearts

The Aces of the deck often bring forth a strong personality, one who is eager to express their uniqueness and individuality. The Ace of Hearts♥ expression comes in the area of emotional expression, self-exploration and finding someone to love them. They do enjoy their own company and do well using alone time for personal, creative pursuits. Prone to restlessness as an odd-numbered card, they learn through the experience of trial and error. A life task of the Ace of Hearts♥ person is to learn gratitude and selflessness. x

Bastion: Ten of Clubs

Their enthusiasm and confidence lends an ability to hold the attention of an audience while pouring forth knowledge on a beloved subject. Due to a life-long desire to learn and grow, finding just one career path and sticking to it can be most challenging for this card. However, once that decision is made, there’s no stopping Ten of Clubs♣ people. They will learn all there is to know and then generously and graciously share that knowledge with all who will listen. The Ten of Clubs♣ is known as the “teacher” card and enjoys receiving and sharing knowledge, usually to large groups or some type of audience: the bigger, the better. x

Brigitte: 8 of Spades

All Eights exude power, but the Eight of Spades♠ is the “Eight of the Eights” in the Cards of Life. Strong-willed and determined, this Eight can move mountains if it suits them, whether it is in health, healing or work. How best to channel this energy is a life journey for the Eight of Spades♠: to make a powerful contribution in life or to be willful. People of this card and suit are ultimately here to experience life and themselves through work/labor, health, death/dying, wisdom and/or spirituality. x

D.va: Ten of Hearts

No one enjoys an audience more than the Ten of Hearts♥ person. Whether it is their own family, a large group of friends, or a crowd of fans, these people love being up front, noticed and admired. Naturally expressive and creative, they excel in public arenas. The Ten of Hearts♥ enjoys an active life and staying busy in general. Whether it’s an active social life or a passion for their work, they like to keep moving and love to travel. Networking through their work or their hobbies comes naturally to this card as the energy builds for their passions. x

Doomfist: 9 of Clubs

The Nine of Spades♠ in Mercury in their life script indicates that this person, very early in life, may experience challenging losses and endings. Coupled with their Six of Hearts♥ in Saturn, they learn great lessons from their relationships. From quite a young age, the Nine of Clubs♣ person experiences the essence of their card: maintaining a positive outlook in difficult situations strengthens, seeking creative solutions enhances, turning to a higher power for inspiration, guides.

When all these resources unite, a Nine of Clubs♣ person has all the power tools they need to construct a successful and rewarding life. Developing a strong work ethic and clear direction are essential for unlocking their inherent potential. Likely to be opinionated, if not out-right headstrong, the Nine of Clubs♣ can be a force to be reckoned with when confronted. x

Genji: Jack of Clubs

One bright idea after another, the Jack of Clubs♣ is one truly creative individual. With progressive ideas, creativity and mental acuity, these people can be clever using their mental prowess to manifest that on which they place their attention. The Jack of Clubs♣ needs to learn to give and take in relationships through compromise and cooperation. The temptation to control, rebel or resist is fairly strong and these influences lead to stressful relationships. x

Hanzo: King of Diamonds

Members of the royal Court Cards are known for having strong personalities and Kings, in particular, are famous for being strong-willed, confident and authoritative. The King of Diamonds, a natural born leader as the master of higher values, is all that and quite enterprising as well. There may be a playful quality to the King of Diamonds throughout life from Jack of Spades’ position: both responsible and a rogue all rolled into one. x

Lucio: Jack of Diamonds

Like all Jacks in the deck, the Jack of Diamonds♦ is young at heart, playful and social with a nimble mind. There’s a social ease with the Jack of Diamonds♦ that can make them a welcome addition, or focal point, of any business dinner or networking event. A spirit of independence arises from an innate connection to inner guidance allowing Jack of Diamonds♦ people to follow their instincts and make the most of opportunities. x

McCree: Jack of Spades

Charming, resourceful, personable and easy-going best define the Jack of Spades. Blessed with a creative mind, this one-eyed Jack of the deck manifests easily the object of their desire. A challenge for them is to operate with integrity and honesty. Since life flows rather effortlessly to the Jack of Spades person, they are forever enamored with taking the easy way out, tempted to stretch the truth as a means to an end. Should they choose the lower vibration of their card, the knave, they eventually achieve very little of real value in their life. Blessed with powerful cards in their Master Life Script, the Jack of Spades can, however, advance well in life when acting from integrity and discipline. x

Mei: Ten of Diamonds

As one of the most fortunate cards in the deck with its Jupiter/Jupiter placement in the Master Life Script, the Ten of Diamonds experiences many blessings in life. It also suggests a desire for a lavish lifestyle, so self-discipline is necessary to resist overspending. Their Ace of Diamonds card in Mars suggests ambition and drive with a touch of impatience as well. Bestowed with good luck on their side, the Ten of Diamonds can accomplish great things and tackle any issue before them. They would be wise to consider others as well as themselves to keep the good karma flowing. x

Mercy: Queen of Clubs

A quick study, the Queen of Clubs♣ truly enjoys being well informed on any topic of their choosing. As a result, they often prefer to direct according to their own authority on a subject rather than follow another. They are always aware of their royal status and often take charge of whatever they’re doing rather than meekly following another leader. Meek is not in their makeup. They can be driven, often balancing two jobs at once, and are happiest when able to contribute to a greater cause. x

Moira: 9 of Hearts

As the alternating Semi-Fixed Card (often called a Soul Twin) with the Seven of Diamonds, the Nine of Hearts holds only two positions: the Saturn/Saturn position and the Venus/Venus position in both Master Scripts (Spiritual and Life). Due to this “semi-fixed” nature, the influences on this card are always imbued with either double Venus or double Saturn energies throughout their life.

While Saturn is the taskmaster, encouraging integrity, diligence, hard work and responsibility, Venus evokes a warm, magnetic personality that energizes relationships. This see-saw of life for the Nine of Hearts person is to balance the impersonal with the personal, disciplined structure with artistic flow, working to achieve success both personal or professional and being willing to let it all go. x

Orisa: Nine of Spades

The Nine of Spades has the strongest calling to let go of attachments in life and move toward giving to others. Influenced heavily by kingly energy, a certain amount of dignity accompanies this card. This card also provides them a certain charm with the public and an ability to control their emotions. Being out in front of others provides them an opportunity to use their innate gifts for the benefit of others. Blessed with charisma and charm, they can excel in public positions. x

Pharah: Queen of Diamonds

With so many Threes in their life script, the Queen of Diamonds is bursting with innovative ideas and the drive to see them through. They may have several different careers in quest for their true expression, but none of that energy is wasted as they build on their experiences from one to the next. The Queen of Diamonds makes the most of these transitions by making the necessary changes and taking on a new challenge in the spirit of freedom of movement. Blessed with endless creativity, it sees them through to the next opportunity. x

Reaper: Ace of Clubs

They seek new information, new ways of thinking and unique ideas. With a deep need for mental stimulation, the Ace of Clubs♣ is the consummate seeker of knowledge. They don’t care for being alone and perhaps experiment with others, just as they do knowledge, until they find themselves by finding that special someone. Yet, many Ace of Clubs♣ confess that theirs is a difficult dilemma to reconcile: having a great fear of being alone and having a desperate need for solitude and the solitary experience. It is usually a tug of war for them. With the Ace of Spades♠ in Saturn in their Life Script, it is likely that in mid-life there will be a major transformation of some kind. x

Reinhardt: King of Hearts

Love is the greatest power in the universe and no one knows this better than the King of Hearts. Embodying emotional strength and the authority inherent in a King, they make excellent leaders, whether they lead a business or a family. sually as a devoted parent, King of Hearts people expend equally as much loving care to their children as they do dedication toward their career. Not overly warm or loving toward anyone outside of their family “kingdom”, this King has clear boundaries about meeting others’ expectations. Their family kingdom often includes workmates with whom they share mutual trust and respect. x

Soldier 76: Ace of Spades

People with this card have the ability to reach spiritual truths more readily than perhaps any other card. Due to this merging of spiritual and mundane, being and doing, this card may experience a conflict between the two as they attempt to achieve balance in their life. Their Seven of Hearts♥ Challenging Karma Card (-KC) and Seven of Hearts♥ in Mercury in the Master Life Scriptindicate many life lessons involving relationships. Deeply sensitive, under their accomplished and stoic exterior, they may have experienced emotional abandonment in early in life carrying a long lasting impact. Having faith in others, accessing forgiveness and unconditional love is a theme for many Ace of Spades♠ people. x

Sombra: Queen of Spades

Often a shining example of power and authority, the Queen of Spades embodies the innate ability to achieve. As born leaders, they sense the need to rise to the top and will experience deep fulfillment when they answer their call to greatness. Intelligent, well-spoken and independent, Queen of Spades people are naturals in positions of public speaking, education and writing. x

Symmetra: 9 of Diamonds

When the abundance of the universe is doubted, the letting go of material things can be a challenge. Aligning with trust in a benign universe and willingly letting go for the benefit of others allows for more to flow into their life and thus is the higher expression of this card. A sharp intellect accompanies this card and as such these people can be excellent leaders and listeners, able to manifest a mental construct into a material expression. x

Torbjorn: King of Clubs

Due to many lifetimes, the King of Clubs has amassed a resource of knowledge from which to draw with authority. They live this life on their own terms, from their unique perspective and have a commanding presence both physically and mentally. Preferring the leadership position, they demonstrate initiative and drive. With a brilliant mind, they can project an assuredness on any topic they choose. Information flows effortlessly through them. King of Clubs people can be rather practical in relationships as well as stubborn and strict. With strong family values, there’s nothing they wouldn’t do for their children. They prefer stability and harmony at home and feel a deep sense of loyalty to those they love. x

Tracer: Ace of Diamonds

Ambitious and hardworking, the Ace of Diamonds♦ focuses on fulfilling their material needs nearly to the exclusion of all else. Independent and determined, they often gravitate toward leadership and entrepreneurial roles in life. With an inborn restlessness regarding relationship norms and constructs, the Ace of Diamonds♦ person is likely to again focus on what they want from life without limiting their options. They may begin a relationship with great enthusiasm and be just as enthusiastically pulled in another direction. Finding a way to keep their emotions steady can be a lifelong journey for the Ace of Diamonds♦. x

Widowmaker: Queen of Hearts

Charming, magnetic and often quite attractive, the Queen of Hearts has an innate ability to have favorable influence over others. The “Mother of Higher Love” commands powerful emotions of empathy and compassion with a flair for the dramatic, a potent combination that makes this card, when in a tight spot, prone to excitability or moodiness. With such a strong sensual nature, Queen of Hearts people enjoy the pleasures of life: art, entertainment, food and leisure. x

Winston: Jack of Hearts

As though listening to a higher calling, the Jack of Hearts is drawn toward helping others. With ample personal charisma and charm combined with a charitable disposition, they are often as popular in their circle of friends as they are among their co-workers. They can be playful and youthful and resist their natural calling. As one of three immovable Fixed Cards in the Cards of Life, the Jack of Hearts person is somewhat “fixed” in their nature and personality. Dependable and noble at their core, their life task is one of service through love. Naturally generous with their time and energy, they are drawn toward philanthropy and social causes. They must be careful as they often over-give to the point of depletion. x

Zarya: Ten of Spades

Whatever the Ten of Spades works toward, it’s full speed ahead. They may have many interests and could enjoy a lifelong love of learning that contributes to their skill sets. Any mental restlessness is often directed toward furthering their careers or their education. They truly appreciate family and are committed to the well-being of those they love. x

Zenyatta: King of Spades

The King of Spades♠ is one of the three immovable Fixed Cards in the Cards of Life and resides in the Crown Line of both Master Scripts (Spirit and Life). It is, by position, the most powerful card in the deck. As the King of Kings, he is the master of all trades, with the ability to achieve great things in any profession of his choosing. Capable of shouldering tremendous responsibility, King of Spades♠ people can be noble leaders of any organization, but all too often the load is a crown too heavy to bear. They have the option, through self-discipline, inner strength and effort, to achieve great success far and away from a mundane and simple life, if they so choose. x

Junkrat and Roadhog: Jokers

So, which will they be: youthfully exuberant, entertaining, shape-shifting, and independent or hardworking, practical and opinionated? People of this card can play their hand any way that suits them and at any time. As though they are both the child and the parent, they bring the vitality and innocence of youth alongside the wisdom and responsibility of the adult. Always faced with a choice to be either the child or the adult, the life task of a Joker may be to embody the divine qualities of both. Truly, a multifaceted individual, the Jokers in life have a vast and wide personality with huge potential for a dynamic, enriching life or just a frivolous one. The choice is ultimately theirs to make. x

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1iamhis · 5 years

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#middaybabymidday

Beginnings (?–1440 BC)

The Bible opens with the words, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” The first two chapters of Genesis tell how God made the world in six days and rested on the seventh.

The crown of creation is humankind. Adam, the first man, was placed in a garden paradise called Eden, where he was to care for the garden. The animals were created in pairs, but Adam was alone. So God made him a woman and told them to have children and to populate the earth.

The Garden of Eden was theirs to enjoy—with one exception. They were told not to eat of one tree called “the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” But Eve gave in to the temptation of Satan, God’s adversary, and ate of the forbidden fruit. So did Adam, and they fell. They were driven from the garden: Eve to have sorrow and pain in childbirth, Adam to a life of hard toil to produce food from the earth.

Sin had entered the race and would be part of all humankind. Yet God promised salvation through the seed of woman and pictured that salvation through the provision of coats of skins.

So Adam and Eve began to live outside the garden. The tragedy of the fall was demonstrated early when one of Adam and Eve’s sons, Cain, killed his brother Abel. As the race increased in number, it became more and more wicked. Finally, God destroyed it in a great flood. Only Noah found grace in God’s eyes, and through the building of an ark he and his family were spared.

From those eight people, the race again multiplied. At Babel, man sought to defy God by building a tower to heaven, but God scattered them and gave them different languages.

Genesis 12 marks a change in God’s dealings with people. The Lord singled out one man, Abram, who lived in the city of Ur in Chaldea, and designated him and his offspring as His special people. God would make Himself known through them. Abram’s name was changed to Abraham, and he was instructed to journey to a land God would later reveal to him. That land was Palestine, and God gave it to Abraham and his children forever.

Abraham and his descendants—Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph—lived as nomads, much as the Bedouins of today. Their homes were tents. They raised cattle and sheep. The sense of family was strong, with the oldest living male member serving as patriarchal leader and family priest.

For a long time it seemed that Abraham would die without a son—in spite of God’s promise. But in their old age, Abraham and Sarah miraculously had a son—Isaac. Isaac’s son Jacob continued the family with 12 sons, men who became the heads of the tribes of Israel. The family stayed in Palestine until a famine drove them to Egypt. One of the 12 sons, Joseph, had risen to prominence in Egypt, and he became their protector and benefactor.

The family stayed in Egypt 430 years and multiplied rapidly. Gradually, however, they became enslaved. The future of the family, now a sizable nation, was threatened by a royal order for all male children to be killed. God called a man named Moses, who had been raised in Pharaoh’s court, to lead Israel to freedom. After a bitter contest with Pharaoh, they marched across the Red Sea (which God parted miraculously) and into the wilderness, heading for Canaan, the Land of Promise.

On the journey, Moses received the Law of God on Mount Sinai, as well as instructions for building a tent of worship. They arrived at the edge of Canaan and sent in spies. But the courage they had when they confronted Pharaoh left them, and the people refused to undertake the conquest of the Promised Land. Because of their unbelief, God sentenced them to wander 40 years in the desert wilderness until the entire generation had died.

As the first five books of the Old Testament (the Pentateuch) conclude, Israel is assembled on the banks of the Jordan River. Moses, their great leader, is dead; but a new leader, Joshua, is ready to lead the march into Canaan.

Seeing God.

Now that we have reviewed the history recorded in the Pentateuch, let’s go back for another look. Remember, our goal is not merely to know the story of the Bible but to know the God behind the story—and to see ourselves in relationship with Him. The first five books are packed with information that helps us know God, so let’s look at one representative incident: the story of Noah in Genesis 6–8. As you read the account of Noah’s rescue from the flood, you will see these truths about God:

He is a God to be feared.

He is able to create and to destroy.

He is patient with sinners, but His patience has limits.

He is not just loving and kind; He is also a God of righteousness, justice, and anger.

He is concerned about what is happening in His world.

He has complete control over His creation.

He has the power to interrupt history.

He is the God of new beginnings.

He rescues those who trust in Him.

He makes and keeps promises.

Seeing Ourselves.

In the early chapters of Genesis, we are told of Adam and Eve’s decision to disobey God. In that act we see our own willfulness and our readiness to break His commandments. Here are several other ways we may see ourselves in the first five books of the Old Testament and in Job:

In Cain’s jealousy, we see our own sense of competition (Genesis 4:5).

In Noah’s need for an ark of salvation, we see our own need of rescue from God’s judgment (Genesis 6–8).

In Abraham’s faith in following God, we see our own potential for belief (Genesis 12).

In Jacob’s scheming, we see our own inclination to trust in ourselves (Genesis 25, 27).

In Joseph’s kindness to his brothers, we see our own responsibility to forgive (Genesis 42–45).

In Israel’s unwillingness to enter Canaan, we see our own weakness of faith (Exodus 14).

In Job’s response to suffering, we see our own feelings when things turn against us (Job 3).

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ncfan-1 · 7 years

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So I’ve been thinking about the fall-out from Lyle Bolton’s actions in Arkham Asylum for a while. From Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker, we know that the Asylum was eventually torn down in favor of building a more modern (and more high-security, though I wonder how effective it really was) facility for the inmates’ treatment, and I’ve started to wonder if maybe that was connected to the fall-out from the whole debacle with Bolton. And I do think there was a debacle, and one with massive fall-out, because there really is no way he could have done everything he’s described as having done by himself, with no one else on Arkham’s staff knowing about it.

Bolton is known to have A) electrified the cell doors at Arkham, B) chained the inmates in their cells at night, and C) took away ‘privileges’ even when the inmates are well-behaved. Electrifying the doors and installing the same sort of wall-mounted shackles we see Bolton using on Summer Gleeson, Mayor Hill, Dr. Bartholomew and Commissioner Gordon (if they are the same sort of shackles Bolton used to restrain the inmates) would have required a lot of work, and even if Bolton does have the expertise to do it himself, it strains credulity that he could have done so without anyone else on the staff noticing. As for the third point, whatever it was Bolton was doing to the inmates that involved taking away ‘privileges’, we don’t know (And the fact that it’s kept so vague tends to worry me). We know that Bolton tormented Arnold Wesker by dangling Mr. Scarface over a can full of termites to torment him, but otherwise, we get no details. My guess is, we get no details because it’s the kind of stuff a kid’s show can’t talk about without getting in trouble with the network. Given that Bolton feels that the treatment the inmates deserve is to be beaten to within an inch of their lives, it probably wasn’t pretty. And was probably the sort of thing that would have been difficult to pull off without some level of collusion from at least some of the staff, either from them actively aiding him, or at least turning a blind eye.

And of course Batman would get involved, because DCAU Batman (at least as of BTAS) is not amused by Bolton’s antics, genuinely wants his rogues to get better, and knows full well that inhumane treatment is not going to make them better. And if I can make the connections I’ve made, he certainly can. So have this mess of speculation and not-fic.

[TW: Abuse]

He doesn’t jump on it right away. After the hearing ends with Lyle Bolton’s dismissal, Bruce thinks that maybe, maybe he can put his worries to bed. Thinks that maybe the abuses were committed by Bolton alone, and that everything will be put to rights in Arkham Asylum with him gone. He likes to believe, sometimes, that problems like these have clean, simple solutions, and that the solution will make everything better.

Beyond that, there’s that cynical little voice in the back of Bruce’s mind, the one he tries not to listen to too much but can’t help but hear anyways, pointing out there’s a chance the three rogues at the hearing were lying, or exaggerating. Oh, Bruce has no doubt that Bolton should have been dismissed. His outburst at hearing was grounds enough for dismissal, and the fact that he considers violence against the inmates acceptable as anything other than a last resort makes him unsuitable to watch over them; the way he manhandled Crane (who, for God’s sake, typically only weighs about ninety pounds by the time he gets hauled back to Arkham after a breakout that’s lasted any real length of time, because when he goes off his meds he almost completely forgets to eat; once he’s beaten, he rarely actually needs to be manhandled, let alone picked up into the air like a ragdoll) when Bruce and Dick brought him back to the Asylum was definitely not appropriate behavior. But still, Bruce can’t help but wonder if maybe Quinn and Crane and Wesker were exaggerating the way Bolton treated them, or outright lying, because they were afraid the truth wouldn’t be enough to get Bolton fired and they needed to make him blow his top, do—or say—something that couldn’t just be laughed off. (Or maybe, the very cynical voice suggests, they were just trying to get rid of him because he was the only head of security Arkham had ever had who could actually keep the inmates in their cells. But that answer is just a little too simple, a little too easy. Bruce doesn’t think it’s quite right.)

Bolton spends the next six months being very quiet, and Batman has his hands full, not least because Arkham Asylum has gone right back to being about as secure as a soggy cardboard box, and a lot of his rogues are being much more aggressive than usual. Lyle Bolton is a little nagging sensation in the back of his mind, but not a primary concern.

That changes after the Lock-Up incident. After the Lock-Up incident, Batman has incontrovertible proof of what Crane, Quinn and Wesker claimed during the hearing, and his eyes are firmly fixed upon Arkham Asylum, and what went on there during Bolton’s tenure.

Batman wants the inmates of Arkham Asylum to get better. He wants there to be a day when he doesn’t have to worry that someone’s going to try to blow up the city, or poison the water supply, or commit clown, riddle, Lewis Carroll or otherwise-themed crimes. Torture never made a convict want to be a law-abiding citizen again. Torture never made the insane sane.

He knows Bolton couldn’t have been acting alone in the Asylum. The sort of machinery that would have had to have been installed to electrify the cell doors, shackle the inmates to the wall at night, even if he installed all of it by himself, there’s no way the other guards wouldn’t have noticed. There’s no way the guards performing bed checks at lights-out wouldn’t have noticed that the inmates were shackled to the back wall instead of lying on their beds. He had help.

There isn’t much of an outcry regarding what Bolton did at Arkham; there never was. Though most are much quieter about it than Lyle Bolton, most of the residents of Gotham share his opinion of the Asylum’s inhabitants: they are the scum of the earth, and so long as they’re off the street, what becomes of them is of little concern. Most people only have so much patience for supervillains, after all, and are wary even of those who have been rehabilitated.

Though there isn’t much outcry, Bruce Wayne still pushes for an investigation regarding practices at Arkham Asylum. The primary aim is to determine, exactly, the extent of the abuses Lyle Bolton inflicted upon the inmates under his watch. The secondary aim is to determine what the rest of the staff knew, when they knew it, and what they did about it. District Attorney Janet Van Dorn supports his calls for an investigation. Though, after being kidnapped and nearly killed by them, Van Dorn has precious little love for the rogues of Gotham, she agrees with Batman that the best way to ensure that she never has to deal with them again is for them to be successfully rehabilitated, and that torture is unlikely to help in that regard.

A warrant is issued to seize all Arkham Asylum security tapes from the two and a half months that Bolton was head of security, but when police arrive at the Asylum to retrieve them, they find nothing. All of the tapes from the time Bolton worked at Arkham Asylum are missing. Some very uncomfortable questions are asked of the security staff, but all anyone can figure is that they went missing sometime between Bolton’s being fired and re-emerging as Lock-Up. The police question Bolton, and get nothing. Batman questions Bolton, and gets nothing but a disappointed, muttered “We could have worked together,” and sullen silence.

Lyle Bolton is transferred to another facility not long afterwards. He does legitimately belong in a mental institution, but not the one where he victimized so many people. His presence has been… disruptive, in more ways than one. The staff aren’t sure what they’re more afraid will happen—that one of the other inmates will kill Bolton, or that Bolton will kill them.

The police have recovered the shackles from the back walls of the cells, and upon dusting them for fingerprints, find nothing. No tapes, and no fingerprints, and with that, the investigation promptly stalls.

The staff of Arkham Asylum has formed a neat little stone wall. Apparently, no one knows exactly what Bolton did to the inmates; when confronted with the documentation of electrified doors and shackles on the back walls, every single guard, janitor, medical doctor, kitchen worker and psychiatrist claims to have no idea they were there. Beyond that, no one has any idea what else Bolton may or may not have done to the inmates. Batman is stonewalled just as much as the police are, and for the life of him, he can’t figure out who genuinely doesn’t know anything, and who’s lying to conceal their own involvement.

Surprisingly, the inmates are stonewalling the police (and Batman) just as much as the staff are. Batman doesn’t try too hard to get anything out of them; honestly, he doesn’t trust them a lot more than they trust him, and that cynical voice in the back of his head is still pointing out that he can’t be sure that anything they tell him is the truth. Regardless of worries about lying, he knows that if Bolton had active accomplices and they’re still working in the Asylum, having been known to have given information either to the police or to Batman could put them at risk. Batman doesn’t want that. If any of them are hurt, it shouldn’t be because they tried to do the right thing.

But he does pay unscheduled visits to the Asylum on a frequent basis. Over the staff, he looms, making sure they know exactly how he’d feel about any ‘funny business’ starting up again. The inmates, he watches from a distance, listening. They might not be willing to talk to him, or to the police, but they do talk amongst themselves, and there’s always the chance that someone will let slip something that Batman can use as a starting point.

Nothing. No one ever speaks of Lyle Bolton. No one ever references the two and a half months he reigned over Arkham Asylum. The rogues, they seem less… energetic than Batman would have imagined. He’d heard tales of food fights in the cafeteria and the inmates constantly baiting the guards. Constant minor squabbles and reconciliations, little games the bored play to pass the time. Book-swapping, gossip-passing, stealthily sharing the latest contraband food to be smuggled into the Asylum. But instead, they all seem very subdued. They sit huddled together in groups, holding their conversations in hushed tones, and on the occasion when a fight does break out, there is an edge to it that screams desperation rather than the bored and restless simply blowing off steam.

The three from the hearing sit together whenever they end up in the cafeteria at the same time. That strikes Batman as a little… odd. Crane and Quinn are friendly with one another, yes, and so are Quinn and Wesker, but by all accounts Wesker used to avoid Crane like the plague. Batman supposes there’s nothing quite like being threatened with a beating in front of a bunch of doctors and public officials to bring unlikely friends together.

When listening in on the rogues’ conversations proves fruitless, Batman pays more discreet visits and listens in on the psychiatric staff instead. Maybe someone’s confided something in their therapist.

He gets no more about Lyle Bolton than he already knew, but what else he gets can’t help but grab his attention. Apparently, Bolton didn’t allow any of the psychiatric staff into the cell blocks during his stay, for security reasons; if a psychiatrist saw one of the inmates, it was when the inmate was brought to them, rather than the other way around. But they still have stories to tell, if you listen carefully.

There has been a marked change in the behavior of many of the inmates at Arkham Asylum. Oh, for those who were to start with belligerent and uncooperative, it’s not much of a change, but many patients who had been making real progress have not simply stalled out, they’ve actually regressed.

Harvey was never really inclined to think of the psychiatrists of Arkham Asylum as his friends, but in the time before Lyle Bolton came to Arkham, he had become fairly respectful of—and Two-Face docile around—his therapist. Cooperative, even. But now, the spirit of cooperation has been quite obviously burned away. In place of respect and docility, there is now naked hostility, manifesting itself in insults and, occasionally, physical violence. Harvey recently spent the night in solitary after decking a doctor when the hapless man had put his hand on Harvey’s shoulder.

Waylon Jones has turned silent during both one-on-one and group therapy sessions. Before, he’d always been happy to talk his therapist’s ear off, and even if what he revealed was rarely anything of substance, his demeanor towards his doctors—those who treated him like a human being, rather than a sapient crocodile—was nothing but amiable. The bitter, defensive silence the staff gets these days is anything but amiable, and when concerned doctors turn to those inmates Jones might be inclined to listen to, they refuse outright to even try to make him talk. He’s also been doing poorly in his literacy classes—Bolton refused to allow him to attend them, and now that he is able to again, he’s been showing significantly less interest than he used to, though the doctors think (hope) he might be starting to regain interest.

Harley Quinn (it’s hard for Batman to think of her as Harleen Quinzel, for more reasons than one, but the fact that her alias is just a shortened form of her real name certainly doesn’t help) was, just before Bolton arrived, deemed sufficiently rehabilitated to be released. She wound up right back in Arkham not long afterwards, but still, the fact that she was let out at all suggests that she had been making a great deal of progress.

Batman can find no trace of that progress now. Harley is apparently almost uniformly refusing to confide anything in the doctors, not even Dr. Leland, whom she was close to, once. She’s grown aggressive, sometimes outright defiant to the guards. She’s become increasingly clingy towards and emotionally dependent on any of the rogues she considers a friend. And the Joker…

Well. Once upon a time, Dr. Leland (with the unofficial help of fully half the rogues’ gallery; the unanimous opinion is that Harley and the Joker’s relationship is a flaming train wreck, and the half that actually cares about Harley’s wellbeing has been trying to get her to dump him for ages) had actually been making decent strides towards getting Harley to not just acknowledge that her relationship with the Joker is an abusive mess, but to go the extra mile of breaking things off with him, too. Once upon a time, it had looked like Harley might leave the Joker for good. Nowadays, she clings to him even more than before, will do anything he asks her to do, even the sort of thing she would have balked at not so long ago. Her entire world hinges on the Joker’s approval, and if she can’t get it, the whole world might as well be gone, she’s so abjectly miserable.

Batman hears other things, too. Like how patients who had already been prone to panic attacks—Arnold Wesker, Jervis Tetch, and Jonathan Crane, among others—are having them with increased frequency now. Like how patients who’d had panic attacks less frequently, or not at all—Edward Nygma, Maxie Zeus, Mary Dahl and, most noticeably, Pamela Isley—have started having them, too.

Eventually, a warrant will be issued for Arkham’s medical records during Bolton’s tenure. Before that day comes, Batman pays a more discreet visit to the filing room where such records are kept. The medical records, at least, haven’t gone missing the way the surveillance tapes did—an oversight on Bolton’s part, or simple arrogance. Batman starts reading.

Just to get an idea of what the situation in the infirmary is usually like, Batman first reads the medical records from the month leading up to Bolton’s hiring (He spends many a night hiding out in the filing room; maybe it would be easier to make copies of the records, or to take them back to the Batcave while he needed them, but this time, he can’t risk any potential evidence being seen as ‘contaminated’). Most of the files’ contents refer to illness rather than injury—head colds, rashes, the occasional bout of food poisoning or flu. Injuries are mostly minor, and less common than Batman would have expected. Serious fights are more likely to be verbal than physical, and the guards can usually pull fighting inmates off of each other before they can do each other any real harm. Inmates who are suspected to be contemplating suicide are put on suicide watch and handled like something made of glass until its deemed safe to take them off of suicide watch. Rarely does one of the inmates manage to make an attempt beforehand; even the most apathetic of the doctors on the staff take notice when someone makes such an insinuation.

During Bolton’s time as head of security, there’s an uptick in, well, everything. Injuries consistent with the effects of touching an electrified door, with having your arms restrained in an unnatural position for hours at a time, every night. That much, Batman expected, though it still makes him grind his teeth, just a little bit. He reads on, and on, and what he reads makes him want to punch a sizable dent in the nearest filing cabinet.

Many of the inmates were admitted to the infirmary with injuries that, officially, were inflicted after they initiated altercations with the guards. Not just the ones who were known for being belligerent, the ones who were known for picking fights. When Arnold Wesker, who was typically completely non-violent, was admitted for such a reason, the observant mind had to take notice.

Still more were admitted with symptoms of malnourishment, allegedly because the inmates involved had gone on hunger strikes. One of the names that came up for that is Waylon Jones, of all people, which, as far as Batman is concerned, strains credulity far beyond the breaking point. Yes, Waylon Jones, aka Killer Croc, has been known to eat people. However, he is hardly enthusiastic about cannibalism, at least not when he is completely rational. One of the symptoms of his disease is that, after a few days with no food, everything flesh and blood starts looking like a viable food source; back when Jones still talked to any of the doctors, one thing that they had been able to pin down quite definitively is that the single overwhelming feeling Jones associates with his forays into cannibalism is disgust. For Jones to have willingly turned down food for as long as the files say he did beggars belief.

(The medical records also note that Jones spent most of Bolton’s tenure in a muzzle. The urge to punch a filing cabinet rises.)

The rate of suicide attempts sees an increase, with the inmates in question more likely to be placed in solitary confinement than on suicide watch.

The night Batman and Robin brought Crane back to Arkham, he was admitted to the infirmary with a sprained wrist and bruising that, officially, he picked up when he was apprehended. Truth be told, it wouldn’t be the first time Batman had delivered a rogue to Arkham a bit bruised—hell, it wouldn’t be the first time he’d delivered Crane to Arkham a bit bruised, and there were some rogues and some nights where if the only injuries anyone had were bruises and sprains, Batman counted himself fortunate. But he didn’t punch or kick someone who wasn’t fighting, and Crane… hadn’t even tried to fight. He’d tried to run, but when Batman and Robin had caught him, he’d immediately turned to pleading. He hadn’t gotten those injuries from either Batman or Robin.

Isley had spent the entirety of Bolton’s tenure in and out of the infirmary, usually camped out under a UV lamp. Security claimed that she refused to go outside when it was her turn to go out into the yard, which honestly sounded about as likely as Waylon Jones willingly refusing food. A quirk of Pamela Isley’s physiology means that, much like most species of plants, she is dependent on sunlight for her health. A few days without sunlight, and her health begins to deteriorate. Quickly. Luckily, the infirmary already had a UV lamp on hand, for times when Isley isn’t allowed to go outside, and for the winter months, when sunlight is scarce. If not, well, no one knows for certain if it’s possible for Isley to die from lack of sunlight, but that isn’t the sort of thing that should ever be tested.

Other similar incidents can be found without even having to dig for them, and Batman’s question of the hour becomes: how many times can a person plausibly put two and two together and come up with any number but four?

If… If those who had the power to dismiss Bolton saw what was happening and yet did not dismiss him, Batman has a good idea of why. He knows, or thinks he does, why Bolton would have been allowed to stay on even if abuse was suspected.

Very few of the people working at Arkham Asylum truly wanted to work there. Sure, some of the rogues have fans, but anyone who’s obvious about it gets screened out during the hiring process (Especially after what happened with Harley). But most people do not want to spend their days in close proximity with some of Gotham’s most dangerous, most volatile criminals—and the Joker, who’s in a class all by himself as far as danger and volatility goes. Enough of the staff have been killed over the years that Arkham is everyone’s least desirable workplace.

Somebody who’s working in Arkham as a janitor or a cook is probably doing it because they got laid off and they still need to pay the bills as they frantically send their résumé out in every direction. Much the same goes for the non-police security staff—and if the GCPD loans out an officer to work at Arkham for a while, it’s usually as punishment for some infraction.

If you are any kind of doctor working in that place, general practitioner, surgeon or psychiatrist, that is almost invariably a sure sign that your career is just over. Arkham is where a doctor goes when there’s just no one else who’ll take them anymore, especially the psychiatrists. Dr. Leland wound up in Arkham after she blew the whistle on a corrupt superior, and was blacklisted for her troubles. Dr. Bartholomew once worked in an office that was later discovered to be running drugs for the mob; Bartholomew himself was clean, but guilt by association is a powerful thing, and out of everywhere he sent his résumé, Arkham was the only place that ever answered.

Arkham is permanently understaffed and empty positions are incredibly difficult to fill, so when someone comes along looking for a job, unless they’re so unsubtle that they can’t help but send up red flags during the interview, they’re usually hired, with minimal questions asked. Heck, in the intervening months between his being fired from Gotham University and his putting on a costume and joining the ranks of Gotham’s rogues’ gallery, Jonathan Crane had worked at Arkham as a psychiatrist, which should really tell you something about the quality of the background checks the Asylum runs on potential employees. (Batman’s opinion is simply that the Asylum staff should just count themselves lucky that, when he was still rational enough to care, Crane kept the professional and personal parts of his life firmly separate.)

The Asylum’s staff is desperate to retain anyone even slightly competent at their work. The bare-bones definition of Lyle Bolton’s job is ‘keep the inmates from escaping,’ and by that bare-bones, far-too-basic definition, Lyle Bolton was the most successful head of security Arkham’s ever had. But he abused the inmates under his watch. The staff is desperate, and desperation can make people do things they never thought they’d do, but here’s the thing…

…Okay, look. Batman has this thing that he does under certain circumstances, regarding the Arkham rogues. He’s read up on them, researched their histories, and he will think to himself one thing he learned about them from their lives before they turned to crime.

For instance, the Riddler once blew out all the circuits in his first apartment trying to operate several homemade appliances. Much to the horror of his landlord, he kept going until he finally got it right.

When she was a little girl, Poison Ivy loved Snow White. She loved Snow White so much that she would have dressed up as the eponymous princess every year at Halloween if her parents had let her.

Baby Doll got into Shakespeare almost immediately after quitting her sitcom. Her favorite role was Lady Macbeth, and while everyone else thinks her performance was awful, Batman kind of likes it.

The only real consensus his former students can come to regarding the Scarecrow is that he was very easily distracted. Mention ‘fear’ to him, or any other concept in psychology that he felt even a little strongly about, and unless someone stopped him he would completely forget what he was supposed to be talking about, and just talk about that for the rest of the lecture.

Mr. Freeze used to sing karaoke at a bar on the East End. Badly.

Somewhere, there is a home video of an underage Harley Quinn doing beer pong with her sorority sisters until she fell out of her chair and literally could not get up again. She just lied there, giggling, while one of the other girls tried and failed to get her on her feet again.

It would help with the Joker if Batman actually knew anything about his past. But there was that one time he slipped on a fallen pie during a chase and face-planted right onto the sidewalk.

Harvey… Harvey.

When the Arkham rogues are on the loose, causing chaos, Batman tells himself these things to remind himself that they aren’t forces of nature. They are not unstoppable. They are simply human, and they can be beaten.

Afterwards, he tells himself these things to remind himself that they are human. That they’re people. That not a single one of them was always one of Gotham’s fearsome rogues’ gallery. Everyone here was someone else before. Oh, sure, there are plenty who were never perfectly pleasant people, but not a single one of them came into the world cackling and wreaking havoc, any more than he came into the world already a vigilante. Something happened, just like something happened to him, and if they used to be something other than what they are now, then maybe…

Bruce Wayne talks to Harvey. He’d hoped to avoid having to go to his friend for information, knows he could be putting Harvey at risk doing this, but the staff is still sticking to their chorus of “saw nothing, heard nothing, did nothing.” The police need something new to go on.

“Harvey, please.”

“No, Bruce. It’s not going to change anything; we both know that.”

“Yes, it will. I know Bolton couldn’t have pulled off everything by himself. If the police could figure out who helped him, if they had some idea of who to look at and put pressure on—“

“Bruce, they all helped him.” From across the glass, Harvey sounds very tired, and Bruce feels his heart sink. Of course, Harvey doesn’t sound like he used to—the explosion damaged his vocal cords, just as it damaged his face. But every time Bruce goes to see him, Harvey sounds more tired, more worn-out, more hopeless, and less like the man Bruce knew, what feels like an eternity ago. “Whether by actively abetting him or by pretending they weren’t seeing what was going on right in front of them, they all helped him.”

Bruce feels his heart sink even further, but the distinction is an important one—it means the search can be narrowed down a bit for now. “Well, what about the ones who actively aided him. The police can start with them.”

There comes silence, and Bruce wonders if Harvey will refuse again. But then, there comes a shift. Harvey’s jaw clenches, his shoulders hunching, and his eyes grow colder, his gaze more intent.

Bruce stiffens. “I was talking to Harvey,” he says, with an edge to his voice that isn’t really Bruce at all.

“You get me,” comes the growled response. “You want those scum’s names, don’t you?”

It isn’t quite how Bruce would have liked it, but in the end, he gets enough information for Batman to give a few names to Commissioner Gordon, and really get the investigation rolling again.

Once Gordon has those names to go on, the whole thing starts unraveling quickly. Bolton’s most active accomplices aren’t exactly hardened criminals; most of them spill the beans after a few hours in a GCPD interrogation room. It’s more a matter of connecting Bolton to the incidents detailed in the Asylum medical records, confirming that he did indeed have active accomplices (and who those accomplices are), and establishing that really, the rest of the staff should have been able to figure out what was going on, rather than unearthing any other deep, dark secrets. Without the surveillance tapes, there’s no way to precisely determine the true extent of the abuses committed under Bolton’s watch, but the information the GCPD (and Batman) have is enough.

It is at this point that certain of the inmates are interviewed; the risk to them has been deemed low enough now that they might be willing to share a bit more. Truth be told, no one really gets any new information out of them—Harley and Nygma in particular spend their interview time apparently trying to figure out how fast they can turn sober cops to drink—but those willing to talk corroborate, in bits and pieces, the information the GCPD already possesses.

Once replacements can be found, most of the Asylum staff any higher in the hierarchy than the janitors are either invited to resign or outright fired. Every member of the psychiatric staff besides Dr. Leland is forced out, including Dr. Bartholomew. Oh, certainly, he wasn’t allowed in the cell blocks any more than the other psychiatrists, but most agree that it seems impossible that all of this could have been happening under Dr. Bartholomew, the head of psychiatry’s nose, and him completely oblivious.

Officially, Dr. Leland is kept on because it’s felt that there’s a chance that she could have been genuinely oblivious—she was barred from the infirmary as well as the cell blocks—and because she has a record as being a genuinely diligent doctor. Unofficially, there is speculation that she is kept on because having the psychiatric staff be full of personnel new to the Asylum, with no one more experienced available to guide them, is a recipe for disaster. Either way, she goes on being just as dedicated as she ever was.

Bruce can’t help but feel as though the rot in Arkham is something that isn’t going to go away simply because of a change in the faces that work there. This isn’t just a metaphorical thing, either. The building dates back to the nineteenth century, and has been rather poorly maintained over the years; among other things, the roof has a tendency to leak, and mold infestations are a common source of illness among staff and inmates alike. So Bruce does something Batman can’t do; he funds the building of a more modern (and hopefully more secure) facility.

It takes a few years, but the new facility is eventually ready for habitation, and Arkham Asylum is left abandoned and partially demolished. Some of the inmates, surprisingly, express dismay (regardless of what a pain in the ass he is when he’s out and about, Crane referring to Arkham as ‘home’ is just kinda sad; he doesn’t even like it there, for crying out loud), but most seem relieved to leave Arkham behind them, even if they aren’t any more enamored of imprisonment at the new facility.

Slowly, very slowly, things start to get a little better again. But even so, Batman likes to pay unscheduled visits to the new facility sometimes. And loom.

(The rogues still don’t trust him any more than he trusts them. But regardless of whether or not they can be rehabilitated, there must be someone willing to protect them from abuse in the place where they ought to be receiving treatment. If not him, then who?)

#Batman: The Animated Series #Meta #TW Abuse #Written because there HAD to be fallout from all of this

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