#they’re singing while coming to terms with their declining health

[addictedtostorytelling]

i’m sure you’ve written about this before, but i would love your perspective on the age-gap between GSR - not in a ‘is it good or bad?’ sense, just in how it affects their relationship.

because on one hand, i think that on a day-to-day basis they don’t think about it at all. (particularly once we reach the end of the show, when sara is in her mid 40s and grissom in his late fifties, the difference is pretty much negligible). but on the other, we have sara saying she ‘looks for validation in inappropriate places’ and grissom’s ‘younger woman’ monologue in butterflied. when they meet she’s a student and he’s a professor; then later on he’s the boss and she’s the subordinate.

personally to me GSR is much more a ‘kindred spirits’ relationship than a ‘the boss and the hot young woman’ relationship but at the same time that fifteen-year difference is definitely there. i’m just interested in how you feel that informs - or doesn’t inform - their whole relationship.

hi, anon!

so i have two different metas that touch on the age gap issue:

this one conjectures on whether or not the age gap plays a role in grissom’s initial reluctance to be with sara.

this one considers whether or not the age gap is ever a problem once grissom and sara are actually together.

more discussion after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

to answer your question more specifically:

i, like you, tend to believe the age gap plays more of a role in their dynamic before they get together than it does once they’re actually a couple.

as discussed in the posts linked above, i think prior to when they start dating, sara is somewhat concerned grissom will look down on her for being “immature,” and she is so largely because she misjudges grissom’s level of romantic/sexual experience, based on his age. she sees him as this dashing, worldly older man who knows his way around the block and worries she will come across as some naïve, young ingénue by comparison. she doesn’t want grissom to think she doesn’t know what she’s doing, which is why she uncomplainingly tolerates a lot of his more maddening behaviors (and particularly his chronic unwillingness to commit)—i.e., for the sake of convincing him she’s “cool” and can “keep up.”

meanwhile, on grissom’s side of things, he does harbor fears about how his and sara’s age gap might affect her willingness to stay with him in the long term, were they ever to get together. while he is fairly assured of her feelings for him at present, when they’re officially unattached—because she’s not exactly quiet about them, after all—he can’t help but wonder what might happen if he and sara actually were to end up as a committed couple someday. sure, she may be fine with the idea of being with an older man now, when he’s in his forties, but what about as he ages? as a twenty- and thirtysomething, issues like declining health and mobility probably aren’t even really on sara’s radar at the moment, but grissom worries someday they might have to be, on his account. particularly as he grapples with hearing loss during s2/s3, he can’t help but picture a day when he is elderly and potentially disabled and sara is still middle-aged and on-the-go. how would she react if he could no longer keep up with her? would she still want him then? and especially if there were things she might want in her life he (due to age) might be unable to give her—like children or adventure or even just an active lifestyle? he has always been afraid if sara gets close to him, she will eventually recognize his inadequacies and her love for him will cool, and his concerns about his age definitely factor in to that fear for him.

*cue lana del rey singing “will you still love me when i'm no longer young and beautiful?” here*

of course, in addition to their hang-ups regarding how the age gap might affect any potential relationship between them from within, i also believe, prior to getting together, they—and i'm talking 99% about grissom here—have some concerns about how it also might come into play from without, specifically in terms of optics.

grissom knows how older men dating women young enough to be their daughters tend to be looked at by society at large, so while he is himself no larry king or mick jagger, he’s fearful he might be seen as one, were he and sara to get together. (just check out his wince when catherine and brass’s mockery of the may-december couple in episode 03x03 “let the seller beware” hits a bit too close to home for him.) he’s also aware of how such a relationship might negatively affect sara’s reputation, especially on a professional level, and is loath to subject her to that particular brand of slander.

while on sara’s end of things, she is less concerned with “how things appear,” she also isn’t entirely oblivious to the fact grissom does care about that kind of stuff, especially after she overhears his monologue at the end of episode 04x12 “butterflied” and so has to care herself by proxy; she gets he has some serious inhibitions about being with a younger woman, which makes her somewhat cautious about how she might be perceived in relation to him on his behalf—which is at least part of why she is willing to keep their relationship on the dl for so long once they finally do get together (i.e., to spare him of having to confront his fears for her sake).

of course, all of the above said, i think these fears are eventually allayed for the both of them.

in sara’s case, she gets over her fears of being "too green for grissom" because she finally realizes where grissom is concerned, his age does not necessarily translate to experience. while he may have fifteen years on her, he isn’t at all the don juan she had initially imagined him to be. just as she has to this point never had a serious long-term relationship, neither has he.

hell, he may even have less sexual experience than she does!

hearing his confession to dr. lurie during episode 04x12 “butterflied” offers her some first hints as to the fact he has no more idea what he’s doing in love than she does, but, frankly, i think the thing which really helps her to place her old misconceptions regarding him to bed is simply just being with him, for realsies.

once she finally starts seeing him up close (and especially in intimate contexts), i think baby girl finally realizes just how artless grissom is when it comes to romance, and contrary to what he might fear, she isn’t disappointed by his general lack of experience but rather charmed by it and even relieved. for so long, she had thought he was playing chess while she was playing checkers, but now she realizes he was never really (purposefully) playing any game at all; he was just fumbling along.

and upon coming to that conclusion, i think she is no longer daunted by him being older because, frankly, it doesn’t matter—because it’s not like he has had decades and decades of experiences she hasn’t. he is literally just figuring things out in real time alongside her, which is very comforting to know.

then, on grissom’s side of things, i think the thing which helps him overcome his fears about sara potentially rejecting him once he becomes “too old for her” is just her dogged persistence in wanting to be with him and the passage of time.

after so many years of them working together and her continually pursuing him, it becomes clear to grissom hers is not just a passing interest. she’s not just a young woman infatuated with her former teacher—which, side note, he was never her actual professor, just the guy who ran a seminar she attended at a professional conference—and her attraction to him isn’t based in ignorance of who he really is or what he can (and cannot) offer.

while he had always feared the more she got to know him, the less she would like him, the opposite is true. she spends 5+ years in vegas looking at him with eyes wide open, seeing all of his flaws and failings up close, watching him age in real time, and her desire for him never diminishes but rather grows into a deep, grounded love; one which compels her to stick with him, even when he has been less than at his best within her view many, many times over. the fact she sticks around that way finally after many years convinces grissom she knows what she’s getting into and will face the future by his side, whatever it may hold.

as for his concerns about what others may think of the age gap, i think grissom forgets them around the same time he realizes he cares more about making sara happy than he does about anything else—i.e., circa the events of episode 05x13 “nesting dolls.” at that point, he just seems to make an active decision he no longer cares about what being with sara might do to his career and/or reputation; all he cares about is showing her the love she deserves, regardless of what anyone else may say, you know? furthermore, since she doesn't seem to care about how a relationship between them might affect her reputation and is willing to accept whatever consequences there are, he follows her lead.

of course, it does also help matters that for the first few years he and sara are together, their relationship remains a secret at work, so they don’t actually face any scrutiny down those (or any) lines from their coworkers—and by the time they finally do make their relationship public, he’s already largely over the whole issue, no longer bothered by it because he’s so blissfully happy being with sara, no matter what anyone else thinks.

as for how the age gap actually comes into play once grissom and sara are together, as stated above, 90% of the time, i don’t think it factors in at all—aside from maybe in the form of some good-natured intergenerational teasing, of the kind we see in episode 07x02 “built to kill” pt. ii.

while grissom and sara may occasionally have different frames of reference for pop culture, honestly, all other age-related discrepancies in their relationship are fairly negligible. between grissom being a something of a social novice for his age and sara being an old soul for hers, they meet up fairly nicely in the middle. though they may occasionally discuss variances in his upbringing in the 60s vs. hers in the 70s and 80s in an anthropological way, they’re squared enough on their worldviews, politics, life philosophies, core values, interests, hobbies, etc., regardless of generation or age, they just generally align.

the only place i can ever see the age gap as being at all more of a pressing issue between them is in terms of their future planning and some difficult conversations they may end up having to have.

while all spouses regardless of age should talk about issues like power of attorney, advance directives, organ donation, end of life and palliative care wishes, life insurance, funerary and burial preferences, legal wills, etc., for may-december couples like grissom and sara, those discussions can take on an air of urgency and even inevitability that can be difficult to swallow, especially for the younger partner.

grissom is pragmatic enough i'm sure he’d want sara to be prepared for what might be waiting around the corner for them, in terms of his health and life expectancy. however, i can’t imagine it’d be very easy for sara to talk about those eventualities with him, and especially not in a brass-tacks kind of “here are my wishes and here’s what i'm leaving you and here’s what i hope for you once i'm gone” kind of way.

while she manages to deflect away from the topic at the end of episode 06x24 “way to go” deftly enough (“i'm not ready to say goodbye”), there would come a point when grissom would want to sit down and actually talk though the ins and outs, and she might have a very hard time reckoning with some of what he has to say to her, even though she knows—on a logical level—what he’s saying is all valid.

the same might also be true to a lesser degree when the time comes to discuss grissom's retirement. of course, he's long gotten out of the csi game, but what about when he's ready to stop being an active conservationist (and particularly given the job is integral to his and sara's seafaring lifestyle)? would she still want to keep working after he called things quits once and for all? or would she take an early retirement with him? if she didn't retire with him, how would such an arrangement work?

of course, it's never quite clear how grissom and sara make money on the ishmael, but there are practical concerns to consider regarding savings and having enough to live on not just for the rest of his life but hers.

likewise, given the rigors of seagoing, they might also have to mull moving inland at some point, depending on grissom's health.

outside of those few and far between “tough talks,” though, i think most of the time, grissom and sara pay little mind to their age gap overall and are probably only really reminded of it when others perhaps react to it—which, honestly, most likely happens less and less the older they both get, and especially sara.

like you say, especially by the time sara is in her fifties, i think the difference not only feels insignificant to them on the inside of their relationship but also looks insignificant to onlookers on the outside, too.

though the gap might eventually come more to bear as grissom ages, i think for a long, long time, it's just a nonfactor—something to occasionally smirk about but on the whole infinitely less important than someone uninitiated might suppose.

fifteen years or no, they're just so intensely compatible with each other, the time doesn't really much matter.

soulmates are forever.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[alightwhendarknessfell]

Black Veil Brides VIP Meet and Greets

I just wanted to make a quick post since I've seen a lot of people talking about the VIP/meet and greet tickets for the rescheduled ITM/BVB tour. I know there have been some strong opinions on the COVID restrictions and questions about what will or won't be allowed.

Disclaimer: I'm not affiliated with the band or management and don't speak for them. This is just my opinion/trying to share some helpful tips and information. I’ll give references for what I say, but please take specific questions to the email listed on their website EPICVIP@EPICRIGHTS.COM

I’ve seen some people criticizing the band for the COVID restrictions in place as if it is solely their decision as to what will be allowed and not allowed. More than likely it was a decision made by management, the team putting on the tour, venues, etc, and made to fit state health guidelines and CDC recommendations. The idea that they will be able to have meet and greets the way they were done prior to 2020 with no restrictions is unrealistic. While COVID cases are declining and around 50% of the United State’s population has been vaccinated the pandemic is not over. There may be another rise in cases this fall and with the tour taking place during flu season it will be hard to tell who is sick with COVID or just the flu/cold. All rules and regulations for both VIP and the shows are done for the safety of the artists AND the fans. Remember that it’s not just because you could get the band sick, they could potentially get you sick too. Therefore care must be taken to make the VIP M&Gs a safe but still fun experience for both parties.

Local venues are all going to have different protocols as to what is and isn’t allowed. This is due to states having different rules as far as distancing, masking, and sanitation regulations. This is completely out of the band’s control and they are obligated to follow the rules for the venue and state they are in. The VIP ticket upgrade is OPTIONAL, you are under no obligation to purchase VIP tickets if you feel it’s not worth the price. You can purchase just the regular ticket to see the show (this is also required for VIP tickets as that ticket ONLY is for the meet and greet). I get that people are upset about the limitations, but I for one, am grateful they’re even offering VIP tickets. They could just as easily have said no meet and greets at all.

Isn’t the band vaccinated? Andy and CC have both said publicly they are vaccinated. Andy's dad has stated the band is fully vaccinated. I’m sure others are as well, along with the crew and the other bands but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to not have safety guidelines in place. Remember, that there is still a question as to whether or not someone who has been vaccinated can harbor the virus and pass it on even though they are unlikely to become ill themselves. It seems that vaccines DO provide good protection against infecting others and becoming ill but none of the vaccinates are 100% effective. The band will be traveling all over the country meeting lots of people each night, therefore obviously precautions are going to be taken to reduce the risk for everyone.

What if I’m vaccinated? That’s wonderful! I would strongly encourage everyone to get their vaccines, especially before attending a concert. Because there’s no way to really check vaccination statuses (unfortunately fake vaccine cards are way too common and easy to make) the rules have to be made with the assumption that some people there WILL be unvaccinated. Theoretically, yes, it would be safe for a vaccinated person to be without a mask on with the band if they are also all vaccinated. Since again, that can’t be guaranteed (and because that would involve different treatment for different people) the best option is to just have rules that EVERYONE will have to follow. There are also variations in the vaccine's effectiveness. Pfizer/Moderna are both 90%+ effective while J&J (one-shot) is about 65-70%.

Hugs? These aren’t allowed at BVB M&Gs anyways, even before COVID. Their websites specifically states hugs will NOT be allowed. Please respect this rule.

Gifts? Andy’s dad (Chris Biersack) spoke about this on Twitter yesterday in response to some fan questions. He says he would discourage fans from bringing gifts. I know a lot of people like to bring them gifts but the best thing you can do is come to the show and sing along and show your love for the band by supporting them. Physical gifts can wait for now, and I think everyone should respect that. Besides, space is limited on tour anyways and when you think about how many people bring them gifts each night, logistically that is hard to accommodate. I do not see anything specifically about gifts on their website so that may be something you would want to email the VIP company about or ask in the BVB Facebook group if you're dead set on bringing something. However, the website DOES state that no "personal autographs" will be permitted, only the poster they are providing.

Photos? The rules on their website state that photos will be taken with 3 feet distance between the fan and the band. Fans may take their masks OFF for the photo, but masks will be required for the M&G and while in line for it (but you get a cool BVB mask!!!!). I know people are upset over this one too but think of all the cool ways you could do this photo. You can stand in front with the band behind you and strike a pose with yourself as the centerpiece! Three feet isn’t that far either, and honestly, that’s about how much room you’d give someone for personal space anyways.

It's so expensive!!: It's the same price as their M&Gs always have been. Yes, $100 is a lot of money for most people but it's the norm for band M&Gs. I am okay with paying that price even with the COVID restrictions because I want to be able to support the band. They haven't been able to tour in over a year and I'm sure that has cost them a lot of revenue. So I have no problem paying to see my favorite band.

TIPS

Read the rules BEFORE buying tickets for the M&G or show. Call the venue to ask for specifics if you want to or check their websites. Make sure you’re okay with the rules and if you purchase a M&G then follow all rules regarding safety and distancing.

Wear a mask/the one they give you during your M&G, please respect your health and the band’s.

While vaccinated individuals according to the CDC are at lower risk while attending concerts, unvaccinated people are still at a high risk of contracting COVID. It’s a very good idea to make sure you are TWO WEEKS out from your LAST shot before your concert date.

Monitor yourself for symptoms, and if you are at ALL feeling sick, coughing, have a fever, vomiting, etc. do NOT come to the show. Missing the show sucks, but you don’t want to run the risk of infecting others.

Personally, I plan to wear my mask while inside the venue even though I am fully vaccinated. If the venue is not requiring masks to be worn inside it is up to individuals to choose to or not but I know I will feel safer with a mask on.

Give people space while in the crowd. Now isn’t the time to be right on top of someone trying to push to the front. Please respect everyone’s personal space and remember that there may be people who are at an increased risk of severe COVID infection present.

If you are in a “high risk” group, talk to your doctor about whether or not it is safe for you to attend an indoor concert.

If you are bringing your vaccination card, get it laminated first or take a photo of it and keep it on your phone. They’re paper and you wouldn’t want it to fall apart because it got wet.

Bring extra disposable masks in case yours gets wet, dirty, or something happens to it.

Wash your hands!!!!!!!!

Don’t share water/drinks/food. I know “pass the water bottle” is popular at shows but let’s skip that for now.

I think it’s important that people keep perspective on this. The world just shut down for over a year and NO concerts took place. The fact that concerts will happen this year at all is a miracle. COVID is a fluid situation and there is no guarantee that things will be better or worse when the tour starts this Fall. This is a virus that has killed millions of people worldwide and hundreds of thousands in the United States. It’s not to be taken lightly, there are serious long-term consequences for some who get COVID. Guidelines are in place for a reason and the band, venues, and management should NOT be criticized for keeping everyone safe. If you don’t like the rules then don’t buy VIP tickets or don’t go to the show, it’s that simple. Following the rules and listening to guidelines is incredibly important. Doing everything you can to ensure your safety, other fan’s safety and the band/crew’s safety should be a top priority. One day there will be “normal” concerts and M&Gs again but for now, we have to still be mindful.

Respect the rules

Respect the health and safety of yourself and others

Have fun and celebrate live music again!

[loveafterthefact]

Love After the Fact Chapter 13: Behind the Scenes Part 2

It’s not a booty call. Yet.

First  Previous  Next

Despite the princes’ best efforts, they did not manage to chase Adam off. However, they did give him an excuse not to work for the rest of the day.

Adam has but one hobby, which Lance has facilitated well over their years together. He’s working in the princes’ little garden, carefully digging into the soil to create patches of new plants. Lance chose them after spending most of an afternoon chasing after disgruntled gardeners and interrogating them as to which plants Keith seems to like most. The Crown Prince had then handed Adam and the head groundskeeper a list of new additions to his garden.

Sooner or later, Lance would no doubt be speaking to someone about expanding the tower or some other such manner of extending their garden. Adam is already looking into possible solutions, chiefly a wall around their tower to separate a space for the princes and a greenhouse for during the winter. Knowing Lance, he'll want room for a playground and some kind of small pool for their future children.

Adam feels for the princes. He keeps his feelings hidden deep, where they don't get in the way, but he acknowledges them, takes them into account. Keith doesn't appear to be interested in gardening, but he definitely has an interest in being outside. Having his own special garden might help keep him inside the walls, keep him safe.

As Adam works his hands into the soil, coaxing some harmonic lilies, complete with the crab-hamster family as per Lance's behest, he thinks about the future.

What will the princes require? Aphrodisiacs? Contraceptives? Medicines? Oils? Should he have Hunk contact his family back on the Balmera and request some crystals? What sort of unique needs might their progeny require?

Prince Lotor had not been a healthy infant, though he cuts a striking figure now. He’s the only reference Adam has for what he might expect from the princes’ offspring. Perhaps he should confer with Coran and request Lotor’s records from Daibazaal.

Adam pulls out a comms unit and presses a button. It doesn’t take long. “Hello?”

“I have questions. Are you busy?” Adam stops to stretch his back, turning to glance at the Galra on the holograph.

“And a good day to you, too.” Shiro smiles. His ears are turned toward where Adam's face might be. “No, I’m not busy. What can I do for you?”

“What do you know of Galra hybrids?”

“Ahh… With Alteans, or in general? Not much, to be truthful, but I can put you in touch with someone who does-”

“I’d rather keep this between us.”

“As you wish.” Shiro pauses. “I know a some general information, and a few hybrids. Galra DNA takes very well to that of other species. As far as I’m aware, hybrids are most always capable of reproducing. They tend to have varying skills and characteristics. One of Lotor’s generals can turn invisible-”

“I meant health-wise.” Adam winces. “Sorry. Stress. Didn’t mean to be rude.”

“I think you need an attendant of your own.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice. I could get one, but too many people keeping secrets is… undesirable. So, health problems?”

“Minimal. Occasionally something pops up. Zethrid has some form of gigantism… Narti is blind and deaf, but that’s related to her mother species. A few have turned up with defects, but nothing major...” Shiro trails off.

“What is it?”

“Keith’s mother has his same condition. It is hereditary. That is what your greatest concern should be. Pregnancy is high-risk… Keith doesn’t know, but he’s not an only child. Not technically.”

Adam swallows, considering the implications of that. “How many?”

“Four, that Krolia knows of. There may have been others, not far enough along for her to have even been aware. Keith is her second born. The other was still-born, not even close to term.” Adam sets aside his tools, turning to face the man in the holograph. “That being said, she was isolated, and we were at war at the time, so she did not have access to medical care. We can begin planning now. I will ask if she would agree to some tests. Perhaps she can visit her son, sneak into your medical center. If we work together, all of the princes' children will have a fighting chance.”

“Hm.” Adam sits back. “That seems agreeable. More than agreeable, actually. The boy misses his mother. He seems to have a great deal of trouble sleeping. Lance sits up with him sometimes.”

“Have they started getting along, yet?”

“Yes, actually.” Adam bites his lip. “You didn’t hear this from me.”

“Of course not.”

“But their quintessence is compatible.” His and Shiro’s is too, but he keeps that to himself. “Lance’s base is blue, mostly, but he has a red streak, as well. Keith’s base is red, with a streak of black. They’re not perfectly matched, but do complement each other nicely. They might end up actually working as a couple.”

“That would be nice. Say, what’s my base?”

“Black. Black is compatible with anything.” Adam turns back to the garden, pruning the golden regent orchid Keith stole. He adjusts the twine tethering it to the tree, feeding a bit of his own quintessence, coaxing its roots to take to the trunk. He'd had to dig it up once the soil had begun to cause its health to decline.

“Anything?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“That’s its nature. Black is a concentration of pigment. It’s made to absorb everything else and spread like ink in water. A great leader has the ability to make everyone part of the same whole.

“For example…” Adam glances to the Galra whose attention never wavers. It’s flattering, after so long being the invisible man. For the first time in his life, Adam caves. “Green quintessence is knowledge, and enthusiasm with knowledge. It’s also a connection with living things. Life moves in cycles, as does knowledge. It ebbs, flows, fades in and out…But it can be unfocused; it can err.

“A leader, like yourself, might offer that drive, that instinct, some goal or direction so that it might better serve a group.”

“You seem relatively focused,” Shiro murmurs.

“Perhaps, but I am pulled in many directions. I’ve simply had practice managing myself. Hence, gardening while thinking about medical concerns at least a decaphoeb in the future.”

“So you put the garden together. I wondered.”

“Lance assisted. He doesn’t have time for this right now, so he asked me to add some new things for Keith. He stole a rare flower and keeps coming out here to look at it, so Lance asked me to work on adding more plants and perhaps a sitting place.”

Adam carefully sets down a basket of other clinging plants, selecting a few to attach to the trunk and branches of the singing tree. Shiro watches as he carefully ties the plants in place, arranging and rearranging before using his alchemy to encourage them to take root to the trunk. “You have an eye for this sort of thing.”

“Aesthetic beauty is something Alteans value, but yes. I’m particularly skilled in achieving it.” Adam steps back to admire his handiwork. “What does your garden look like?”

“Organized rows of plants, carefully labeled and groomed.”

“Sounds ugly.”

“Ugly, but functional. Unlike your tree.”

“This is functional. It’s not a medicinal garden. It’s a garden meant to cultivate something else.” Adam plucks some turning leaves from the tree, listening to the delicate chiming tune back into key under his care. “It’s meant to cultivate happiness and peace.”

“That sounds like medicine to me. Just, you know, not the kind my people take much stock in. It’s unfortunate. I know some people who could benefit.”

“Romelle.”

“She I have an excuse for. She’s Altean. Likes pretty things. Thus, I have a bit more leeway. I can do more for her. But Galra, they appreciate functionality over everything else.”

“So...What purpose do I serve? What’s my functionality?”

“Beg pardon?”

“Well, you desired to keep in contact with me. So I must serve some functionality.” Adam turns, gives Shiro his full and undivided attention. “So… Tell me what it is.”

“Nothing. No functionality whatsoever.” The Galra captain smiles a crooked smile. “Well, there’s a bit of functionality, but that’s only a minor concern. More of a bonus than anything else. What functionality do I serve for you?”

Adam turns back to the garden, furiously pruning the dead leaves from the tree. “Undetermined.”

“I see…Well, do keep me posted, then. I will gather what information I can regarding Keith’s condition. I will also see if we can’t smuggle Krolia over for a day or two… I enjoyed speaking to you.”

“Yes.” Adam pauses. “I enjoyed it too. Thank you for inquiring on my behalf.”

“Of course. Please, contact me again. For anything at all. It doesn’t need to be pertinent.”

“I- I understand.” Adam does not confirm or deny that he will contact the captain again.

The captain smiles all the same, ears turned resolutely toward him through the screen, grey and gold eyes gleaming bright and happy. Once Keith had pointed out how smitten the Galra was, Adam can’t stop thinking about it. The way the Shiro watches his every move with delighted interest. He’s so forward, in his own way. Alteans are so much more subtle, so different in their behavior. They tend to be oblique with their words, but, with the exception of Keith, very direct with body language. The opposite of Alteans.

Still, it’s nice to be the center of someone’s attention. Maybe they can compare physik knowledge or something.

Or something.

[sad-boy-mono]

Character and Relationship Backstory and an update from me

Hey y'all! I have an update on where I've been at the end of this post for those of y'all who have been following Highschool Casualties and are wondering where I went, but if you've just stumbled across this I don't want to throw a long and random explination at ya!

Haven’t read the main story yet?

Heres the Tumblr Masterpost and the Ao3 link!

The characters

Damien Haas

16, sophomore in high school. Hardcore musical theater kid from grades 4-8. Loves to sing and shit. Got quite a few bigger roles early on. Things got busy freshman year, so he had to put things on hold.

(Favorite musical is probably falsettos or something idk I'm not a theater kid.)

(That's a lie, I'm just a bad theater kid XP)

Fucking loves superhero movies and shit because haha irony.

Favorite class is Drama, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but Shakespeare is forever.

Has an irrational fear of doctors, dentists, and needles due to some surgical mishaps that occurred when he was young. Also has a fear of the ocean.

Deals with anxiety and frequent panic attacks.

Shayne Topp

15, sophomore in high school. Really fucking loves football, but not on the team. He wanted to be, but he use to be friends with some of the people on the football team. And they... weren't the best to say the least. They were bad influences and caused Shayne to do bad things. He's no longer friends with them, but still goes to the games with Courtney and Damien to cheer on Courtny's brothers who are on the team.

Favorite class is probably woodworking, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but birdhouses are forever.

(Though he's actually really good at math, like he has the capability to take honors and do well. It just isn't fun.)

Doesn't know how to ride a bike and can't swim. Deep water freaks him out.

Has a huge fear of hurting other (because haha irony) and always puts his friends before himself.

Courtney Miller

14, freshman in high school. Loves writing and art. Has a lot of sketchbooks, but most of them are half filled. At this point she just collects cool sketchbooks.

Also love film/acting/drama but has a lot of anxiety around performing, so she ends up being on her school's tech crew. She's really good at editing, and has a passion for behind the scenes work around productions.

Favorite musical is Heathers.

Favorite class is her painting and art history class, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but art is forever.

Struggls a lot with school. Doesn't have many friends outside of Shayne and Damien, even when it comes to her tech crew. Generally on bad terms with "friends" (bullies) from middle school.

Doesn't enjoy the other people in her class. A few of them are former (or current) bullies from middle school.

Relationships

Damien and Shayne

Met in the first grade, became friends in a very first-grader-like manner.

Shayne: Hey I like your pokemon shirt

Damien: Oh thanks, you wanna play with trucks?

Shayne: Yeah sure.

They’ve been best friends ever since.

They had a bit of a falling out from mid 7th through 8th grade because of the guys Shayne hung out with. They were your average middle school douchbags but a lil worse.

Things got sorted the summer following 8th grade.

When they started high school, Shayne’s older brother would pick Damien up and give him a ride to school every morning; even though Damien was in walking distance.

But a month-ish before their freshman year, Shayne’s family ended up moving closer to Damien’s, because a tree fell through Shayne’s house during a terrible storm that hit their town. Even though it hypothetically could've been fixed, the house was old so they took it as a sign to just move.

Shayne is the only person who knows about Damien's anxiety outside of his family, and is who Damien goes to when he's having heighted anxiety or a panic attack.

They also bond over their fear of water strangly often.

Shayne and Courtney

Courtney’s family moved across the street from Shayne’s family when Courtney was in the 7th grade and Shayne was in the 8th. And after the initial family intoductions when the Millers first moved in, Shayne never talked to Courtney. Until about a month later, when he was home alone and Courtney knocked at his door.

After Shayne asked 'what's up?' Courtney asked if they could be friends.

“Do you know how to play smash?” Shayne asked.

Courtney sighed and let out a defeated ‘no’ and began walking away from the door.

“Ok, I’m gonna teach you how to play.”

They would hang out quite a bit until Shayne moved, but they still talked a lot.

Shayne later found out that Courtney would go door to door asking for friends. Shayne was the first and only person who had actually said yes.

Most people mistake them for siblings and when they find out they aren’t related, they assume they’re dating.

Shayne treats Courtney like a little sister and is very protective of her.

Shayne was fucking LIVID when he found out Courtney was being bullied. As much as he wanted to fight them, Courtney talked him down from doing so.

He still did the whole 'don't fuck with Courtney or I will fucking kill you' big brother thing. It did the trick for a while. When you're a very athletic 15 year old, it's easy to intimidate people that are younger than you.

Courtney hasn't told him about... the current bullies though.

Courtney and Damien

Met through Shayne. He made a group chat with the 3 of them that Shayne named “Operation Friendship”. Since Shayne and Damien weren't on speaking terms when Shayne and Courtney became friends they never had a chance to meet.

But they didn’t meet in person until Courtney’s first day of high school, where the 3 of them had their first class together, conveniently...

Anytime they play video games, a conversation along this happens.

"Courtney where did you learn to play this game?"

"...Shayne"

"Explains why you suck"

"HEY!"

(Shayne) "HEY!"

------

Hey! Thank you so much for reading! It's been awhile hasn't it. Yeah, I'm sorry. My life has been all over the place for the past few months and I've been struggling to find the motivation to write. I don't want to specifics because it's not only very personal, but a long story.

But to summerize why I sorta dissapeared, I had a lot of personal issues going on with both school and home and as my mental health was on this steady, but consistent, decline, it was at its very lowest in December. My home issues had reached their peak, and with the end of the quarter coming up after Xmas break and my weeks worth of late work coming back to bite me, I was too stressed to work on anything I found enjoyable without losing motivation immidiently.

Things didn't start getting better for me until some time early in semester 2 of my year. My school was transitioning back into fully in person with covid rates at their lowest in my area and things were finally feeling consistant again, but I was still getting my bearings. School still felt draining, though much less than before, and I didn't have much energy to work on things I was passionate about. I don't think I even made a new document for chapter 6 until mid-ish March.

I'm very nervious about coming back to this story after so long for many reason. First being, although I am feeling better mentally, things feel very off with writing this story. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of passion to write this story and want to see it to completion, I've just had a fluxuating interest in smosh aswell. I enjoy the channel, just not as much as I use to. And my hyperfixation on Smosh was a big drive for me writing the story. Second being that I have so much writers block around the sixth chapter of this story, and I'm worried that as soon as I try to work on it, that block will make me lose my motivation again and I'll put it off for another 6 months.

This "chapter" (idk what else I'd call this) has probably been fully finished in my drafts for about a month now, and I've been putting off posting it because of those listed anxieties, but I really want to continue writing this story so I hope you enjoyed!

Also sorry if this explination was all over the place, I just got my first covid vaccine today and am feeling kinda bleh.

[rowanfoster]

{ odeya rush ♔ twenty-three ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t rowan foster running around peach hollow. legend has it, she comes from tangerine towers and has lived here her entire life. if you’re wondering what she’s been up to, i hear she’s a make up artist / freelance musician for a living. she has been known to be impulsive yet insightful. a word of advice to her, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching.

why yes, it is i, admin kim, with another character that should’ve been kept in the drafts of my mind. if you’ve not met daysia or serenity, here’s a lil low down on me. i’m 26, i use she/her pronouns, and live on the east coast. i thrive on writing angst and my animal crossing villagers being happy. also caffeine. i luv chris klemens. most likely to have a mental breakdown on twitter. meet rowan! trigger warnings for mental illness, bipolar disorder specifically, and inpatient treatment

have a playlist and a pinterest board dedicated to her

rowan celeste foster was born may 27th, 1996. she’s the oldest of two, a baby sister coming to the scene in 1999.

her family is extremely close. they’ve been in peach hollow their whole lives. she grew up in a crowded house on blueberry boulevard, crammed in with her mother, father, sister, maternal grandmother and maternal grandfather. rowan never knew peace or privacy growing up – it just wasn’t possible with that many people which has really contributed to her somewhat isolated adulthood

her mother is a charge nurse at peach hollow general, working on the emergency room floor. her father is a retired car salesman. her grandparents moved into the house when her sister was born in order to help take care of the girls while their parents worked full time. rowan is especially grateful for their care, because she feels like she’d be a little more sour had she been raised by absent parents.

growing up, she shared a room with her younger sister. they told each other everything because they had no choice not to. they both developed an interest in make up and music at very young ages, but rowan particularly took to those things while maci took more interest in sports. when rowan was gifted her first ukulele at age 6, maci got her first basketball. they are polar opposites, but maci was the only person rowan really confided in as a child and an adolescent.

she’d always been rather moody. tantrums and fits were nearly unavoidable. her self esteem lacked before she even had a chance to develop any confidence. she was always the try hard, the girl who stood out because she was just a little different, the emotional one, the one the other kids didn’t want to mess with, not because she’d fight back, but because she would absolutely lose it. there were countless times where rowan ended up in the guidance counselor’s office, waiting on her grandmother to show up and bring her home. that was the beginning of their problems.

her mental health really started to decline in her mid teenage years. she spent hours upon hours in her room, writing songs, playing guitar, practicing make up looks – she’d go days without sleeping and snap at anyone who crossed her path. she got into screaming matches with everyone in the house, only to find herself crying in her bed for the next few days. she started missing days at a time from school, while her artistry thrive, the rest of her crumbled. her grades, all of it.

eventually, this resulted in her parents yanking her out of peach hollow high and putting her in counseling, which lead her to a psychiatrist and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at the age of 17. while it made sense, she dreaded taking the medications. they numbed everything. her writing suffered, and while her moods weren’t swinging from the trees anymore, she feared that this empty feeling was worse.

she finished her high school diploma in homeschooling with her grandmother while maci went on to thrive in school. the attention shifted to her, and rowan couldn’t really blame them. she turned 18 and started performing in clubs, bars, and anywhere she could get in. ps her voice is a mix of bishop briggs & mary lambert. the thrill of performing to small crowds sucked her in. she began to gain an even smaller following on social media, mainly the locals following her. every once in a while she’ll book a show in atlanta and she’ll make the long drive just to sing in front of a bit of a larger crowd. she’ll gain a few followers from those shows, but this still isn’t her main source of income.

most of her money comes from the make up artistry she does through pop of peach. she doesn’t go in every day, but when someone has an event scheduled or needs their make up done for a dance or something, she’s there. she tries to spread things out bc she’s always late lmao and finds it hard to stick to a schedule

she was doing so well for a few years, even moved out of her parents’ house and into an apartment at the towers. that’s where she really found herself, made some real friends and built relationships that were good for her. however, she missed a few doctor’s appointments and was discharged from her psychiatrist’s office. she went off meds, and for a few weeks it was fine. when she ran out of meds, the next few weeks were okay as well. it was when every single drop of medication had drained from her body that things got bad.

rowan was missing appointments she scheduled at pop of peach. she was spending far too much time out at nights, giving in to alcohol for the most part. she tried not to touch any drugs, but drinking became a nightly thing. she’d perform, then spend the rest of the night partying with whoever she could find at the venue.

one night in atlanta after a particularly shaky performance, rowan found herself in a dark place and simply went into the women’s bathroom to calm down, but police say they found her laying flat on the ground, refusing to respond to anyone. she vaguely remembers the end of the manic episode, but it did land her in the emergency room for a change in mental status.

much to her chagrin, they admitted her overnight before transporting her to skyland trail, a mental health facility in atlanta. she spend about two and a half months there getting medications regulated and learning new coping mechanisms. she was discharged about two weeks ago and finally made it back to peach hollow and her apartment.

she’d lead everyone other than her family and maybe one or two other people that she was away on a musician’s retreat, but really, was in inpatient treatment.

she’s currently working full time as a make up artist at pop of peach and performing when she can, but doesn’t really go outside of peach hollow

fun facts & personality

rowan despises small talk. conversations about the weather or political climate don’t stimulate her and she gets snarky pretty easily. it isn’t that she wants to come off rude or unapproachable, but nine times out of ten, small talk is fake and she feels as though she doesn’t have the time or energy to indulge in it. ask her about the sky or some shit. she won’t shut up

she has a tendency to overshare,  aside from what’s been going on in the past few months. her lips are sealed tight about that. however, she’s open to talking about her mental health and is a big advocate for erasing the stigma. this makes rowan a very good listener and a huge supportive presence for anyone struggling. she’s the mom friend, and no matter what time of day or night, if someone says they need an ear, she’ll go to them. she knows what it’s like to be alone.

despite her past and her demons, rowan finds a way to put on a smile. it might often be snarky or sarcastic, but rarely is it insincere. she’s an empath and feels everything so very deeply, but can easily put it away when necessarily.

her apartment is her safe haven. she rarely has company. it isn’t really her thing. she prefers to go to other people’s places. she has her record collection proudly displayed on her living room wall, all the plants you can imagine, incense burning whenever she’s home, and a scottish fold munchkin cat named loonette after her favorite childhood tv show, the big comfy couch. she has hopes to get another cat named molly to match. you know, because we’re all clowns !

she takes great pride in her instagram. it sounds superficial, but often times, rowan will post a good picture and then link to her next show in hopes that somebody will come based on that. while she does have a passion for make up and a second instagram for it, ultimately, she’d like for there to come a time where she can live solely on the money she makes through music

catch her driving her old ass ford focus blaring 00s alternative, mainly fuckin paramore bc she’s heart eyes for hayley williams

wanted connections if ya made it this far!!!!

childhood friends – those who she’s known since elementary school. they’ve most likely watched her go through her many trials and tribulations in class. these could be acquaintances, close friends, or even a ride or die or two.

bullies – people who fucked with her through school. it’s essential that they’re on bad terms currently, but perhaps an enemy turned friend or romantic could be fun??

group therapy pal – this would be super fun and might entail the person finding out about her secret…. msg me for deets

exes – there will be a couple of these, gender does not matter. i’d like to find one that she was dating when she went into treatment and maybe hasn’t seen/spoken to them since they’ve been back, first love, high school sweetheart?? omg possibilities are endless

flirtationship – self explanatory, gender doesn’t matter she’s pan

any other ideas literally lmk!! thanks for reading ♥

[1dreality]

Zayn Malik was never the celebrity you thought he was. If it wasn’t already obvious from his detached, often melancholic interviews in the wake of his 2015 departure from One Direction, it will be from the title of his second solo album. The very elongated 27-track Icarus Falls is comprised of more of the sparse R&B that Malik has perfected since his first release Mind of Mine in 2016, but like its titular myth is also indebted to themes of incredible ascent and crushing decline.

A decline not of Malik’s career, it should be said, but rather of his own mental health, the album serving as both an intimate meditation on Malik’s life so far and a dire warning about the trauma of instant fame. It all leads to one obvious question: Is Zayn OK?

In an age of millennial openness and Instagram confessionals, Malik remains something of an outlier: an enormously famous and highly visible celebrity, but one whose ambiguity allows us to project much onto him. In our collective consciousness, he has been the 1D-fleeing villain, smoking cigarettes, being mean to his bandmates on Twitter and looking miserable as well as the “soft boy” pin-up, a vulnerable figure in desperate need of a hug.

Much of that ambiguity is intentional. Along with declining to tour Mind of Mine, Malik is often press-shy, choosing not to take part in TV sit-downs or play the social media game in an era in which somebody like Ariana Grande spends much of the waking day interacting with her fans on Twitter and Instagram.

And while Malik has been open about some of his past struggles, including his battle with an eating disorder at the height of his One Direction fame and consistent difficulties with anxiety, they’re often revelations that feel accidental in nature. We learn of them during an unexpected moment of truth-telling between him and a journalist, the subject quickly changed soon after, or through lyrics that are just descriptive enough to imply deep truths. Even talking about his anxiety in an essay for Time Magazine felt like a necessary course-correction after a string of cancelled gigs led to unflattering rumours about his health in the press.

Whether Malik’s public persona is intended as a protective mask or not, it is still difficult, particularly in the wake of Icarus Falls, not to feel something for him. After all, his jump from a working-class kid to an international superstar worth a reported $50 million, practically overnight, is the sort of trajectory most of us would struggle with at the age of 40, let alone at 17 when Malik auditioned for The X Factor.

Icarus Falls doesn’t cover any new sonic ground for Malik as an artist. It sees him return to the same well of threadbare, silky R&B that helped Mind of Mine easily trounce his fellow One Direction bandmates in the “best first solo record” stakes. But it does whirr with a noticeable sadness, Malik repeatedly mourns the peace of his pre-X Factor past and beats himself up for mistakes he feels that he’s made since. And when he speaks of emotional pain, it often sounds not like something confined to history, but rather something he’s dealing with every day.

“I’d rather be anywhere but here,” he sings on Good Years. “I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears / I pray to God I didn’t waste all my good years.” On Insomnia: “I’ve been roaming and strolling all in the streets / Burning my eyes red, not slept for weeks.” On Back to Life: “I been flying so long / Can’t remember what it was like to be sober.” On Satisfaction: “Nobody said this would be easy / Nobody gave me a rule book to follow.”

Even typical love songs are fatalistic in nature, talk of Armageddon running through both Flight of the Stars (“I will follow / Hold you close standing on the edge of no tomorrow”) and Tonight (“Love me like tomorrow’s never gonna come”), while much of the album nods to an unnamed great love in Malik’s life that he needs to overcome incredible odds to be with – nothing new for love songs, but given a greater weight when paired with his statements over the years. Because if we know anything about Zayn Malik, it’s that he often can’t stand being Zayn Malik.

Through much of the little press he has done, Malik has expressed unease with most of the trappings of fame, particularly the assumptions that he ought to be personable and friendly with industry figures or musical collaborators. And when it comes to One Direction, he still appears burnt by the experience. While he told Vogue in November that he has recently been able to see his time with the band as “an amazing experience,” despite the “bulls---” of what he refers to as “the machine,” he also told GQ in June that he didn’t make any actual friends during the peak of his fame: “I definitely have issues trusting people.”

In the numerous articles that pop up every winter recalling how good The X Factor used to be, clips are embedded that showcase many of its most memorable contestants, and every year it becomes that bit more shocking how much One Direction looked like children during their time on the show. The scrawny limbs, those Justin Bieber haircuts, the awkward school-talent-show bopping and shuffling. It somehow worked, enough at least to turn them into a tween phenomenon, but in hindsight it’s indefensible that they were pushed as significantly as they were.

There was always something deer-in-the-headlights about the band in its early days, a sense that at least a few of them had been pulled along for the ride as opposed to having a firm grip on the steering wheel. The hunger so visible in pop bands of similar notoriety, whether manufactured or not, wasn’t always visible – and while all of them have transitioned into stable adults who are, for the most part, comfortable in the spotlight, their jarringly different responses to fame remain clear.

It’s important to remember, for context’s sake, that Malik was always a reluctant star. Only attending his original X Factor audition after being guilted by his mother into waking up early and making the journey there, he was, in his own words to The Fader, “a lazy teen”. And even during the audition stages, he expressed reluctance to properly join in, walking off stage during a choreography rehearsal and having to be coaxed to go back. At the time, Malik’s reaction registered as a petulant strop, but now feels oddly prescient.

Of Malik’s One Direction bandmates, Harry Styles was always the most naturally inclined to superstardom – such an affable schmoozer and networker that it was quickly no longer surprising to see images of him palling around with Mick Jagger or Stevie Nicks. Liam Payne always bore the personality of someone very eager to be seen, lack of self-awareness very much included, while the perpetually chipper Niall Horan has always simply appeared very, very happy to be there. But both Malik and Louis Tomlinson have often visibly struggled, uninspired by the more performative and fraudulent elements of celebrity, or the levels of attention handed to them by Simon Cowell and co.

“What I really can’t ever get used to, or really enjoy, are these super geared-up celebrity parties,” Tomlinson told Noisey last year. “No one actually cares. You see people who are beyond self-absorbed, and that’s why it can be a dangerous place.”

Malik has echoed similar sentiments. “I don’t work well in group situations, with loads of people staring at me,” he told GQ. “And when you say ‘star’… everyone wants you to be this kind of character that owns a room or is overly arrogant or confident. I’m not that guy, so I don’t want to be a star.”

What’s odd is that, for all his claims, Malik does bear all the superficial trappings of modern stardom. He’s a fashion darling but is permanently magnetised to the covers of cool indie magazines. Furthermore, his on-again/off-again relationship with supermodel Gigi Hadid has, since 2015, become a Generation Z equivalent of Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder in its aesthetic-heavy, era-defining popularity.

But Malik is also simultaneously detached. The GQ profile, his most extensive recent interview, bears all the hallmarks of a journalist struggling to fulfil a word count because of an uncommunicative subject, writer Carrie Battan even expresses Malik’s tendency to reply to her questions in “friendly but anodyne one-liners.” Like the very best of pop idols, from Britney to Beyoncé, Malik is so compelling principally because he’s so hard to read. But this can also be a poisoned chalice: every expression of doubt or self-pity determined to be a cry for help, every revelation shaping an image that may or may not be real.

It means that listening to Icarus Falls isn’t an entirely joyous experience, Malik’s lyrics painting a picture of a young man still working through the discomfort of his sudden fame and the trauma of a moment in the spotlight marred by illness and fractured relationships, many of its scars still visible today. But it’s also a record that you can’t help but admire as a result, especially if it serves as a form of catharsis for him.

In the decade since Britney Spears was forcibly taken to the hospital surrounded by hundreds of paparazzi photographers, our collective relationship with the idea of fame has greatly altered, particularly for a generation who watched Amy Winehouse essentially die before their eyes. The one beneath them are currently coming to terms with a raft of recent pop star crises, from Demi Lovato’s overdose to the deaths of artists like Mac Miller and Lil Peep.

For all the obvious charms in Malik’s life, from his incredible fortune to a kind of artistic freedom that he never had in One Direction, you’d have to be particularly cold not to feel empathy for the sheer strangeness of his adult existence; a world of rampant, maddening attention that has historically led even the strongest of stars into tragedy.

The Zayn Malik of today is a little bruised, a little listless, his magazine profiles never complete without references to the cloud of marijuana smoke that lingers around him, or his need to lock himself away from the world. It doesn’t sound like the most ideal of outcomes for a man who calls himself a pop idol Icarus and sings with whispery detachment that he has “[flown] too close to the sun.” But we can only hope that it at least serves as a parachute.

[rivetgoth]

Who do you think Pavi’s favorite sibling is? I like your content by the way!

Ty anon!!!!!!!!

That’s a good question, and I think it’s kinda difficult to give a straightforward answer because his relationship to Luigi and his relationship to Amber are way way way different. I don’t know if between Amber and Luigi Pavi has a “favorite” sibling, since his relationship to both are so unique… 

BUT I think that if you asked Pavi… he would say Amber. Ogre has talked about this a lot, but Pavi apparently really envies Amber and wants to be her: Speaking as Pavi, he said, “If I’m looking at myself, I really want to be like my sister ultimately.” This is of course backed up super strongly in the film itself when Pavi wins the auction for Amber’s face and wears it lol. I think Pavi’s perception of identity is really fucked up, something pretty obviously seen by the way he hides his real face behind a woman’s skinned face and the way he hides his real voice behind a fake accent; Ogre has spoken about how he’s really deeply insecure and a huge coward under his multiple layers of masks (emotionally and physically). All three of the Largo children have a whole bunch of layers of issues that they deal with in separate individual ways, and I think Pavi has a real difficult time with coming to terms with who and what he is and gravitates really strongly to femininity as this state of perfect (and unattainable) beauty and thus envies his sister because she’s the most direct projection of that in his life. I think it comes from his desperate desire to be loved, although I don’t know why exactly he gravitates towards femininity the way he does, it could have to do with him misinterpreting the way women are sexualized as something desirable (ie. “men want to fuck women so I wish I was more like a woman so men wanted to fuck me!”), or something to do with his absent mother or… who the fuck knows really, we don’t know the Largo siblings well enough to say for sure, but whatever happened, it all comes out as Pavi really envious of Amber and just completely adoring her. So in that sense, Amber is his favorite sibling, since I don’t think he’d ever in a million years want to “be” Luigi or be blatantly obsessed with him like he is Amber(’s face).

That being said, I also think Amber seems to intentionally distance herself from her family, what with changing her name and appearance, spending so much time on the streets, and just disappearing from scenes like Mark It Up and Night Surgeon once things get intense. That coupled with the fact that she ends up actually getting GeneCo in the end (implying also that she managed to convince her brothers to give her that authority position) makes me think that she’s… really on a level above Pavi and Luigi and it’s hard to talk about their relationship to her since we don’t really know much about it. I think Pavi adores her in a weird projection-type way, but I don’t know how well they really interact, the only direct interaction we really get between Pavi and Amber is his “Sister, please!” which is really tame, and him admiring her face all creepily in the end which just ties back to what I was saying before about his admiration of her and nothing much deeper I think.

However, Pav and Luigi’s relationship is really… really interesting to me, because we see a lot more of it, but at the same time I feel like there’s a side to it we don’t see much of, which is like… To put it simply I don’t think they fight 24/7; I think they always had a strained relationship because of their many… issues and how poorly they… “cope” with those issues, and Rotti’s declining health and the awareness that GeneCo will soon be passed on to a new heir heightened that tension so by the time we see them in the movie they’re just bickering nonstop. But you see moments like the beginning of Night Surgeon, when they exchange their little knowing amused glance, which I feel establishes a connection deeper than “petty fighting 24/7 365 every single day of their entire life.” There’s also the fact that despite Luigi being entirely willing to stab almost anyone, Pavi remains unscathed regardless of how much of a nuisance he is. Luigi will lash out, but he never so much as breaks Pavi’s skin, and the majority of their bickering… just remains bickering. Luigi chokes Pavi once after Pavi throws underwear in his face, and they start fighting during the Genetic Opera but that’s at one of the most intense moments in the entire movie… they mostly they just yell at each other or do stupid shit like sprinkle fake snow on the other to annoy him. On top of that, I… I think Pavi kind of looks up to Luigi but won’t admit it, with my reasoning being simply that Luigi is the older sibling — Pavi is five years younger and not particularly very bright, plus there’s the whole “deep insecurity and lack of strong personal identity” thing I mentioned before. Luigi, for all his flaws, is a significantly more assertive and confident person (in Pavi’s eyes), and definitely smarter (as he very blatantly states in Mark It Up).

My biggest “example” of this that I have in canon is that I genuinely don’t think Pavi actually wanted GeneCo all that much. Pavi is lazy and thrives on getting away with doing as little as possible and getting immediate gratification for his wants via his father’s money. I really don’t believe Pavi does anything in Repo! to demonstrate actually wanting the responsibility of the largest company in the world. When he “fights” with Luigi about getting GeneCo, he never once really says that he… actually wants to run GeneCo. He sings almost solely about how “loved” he is. Luigi sings “I’m the smartest and the toughest … That’s why Pop will leave GeneCo to me!” while Pavi’s verse equates to “Everyone loves me and I steal everyone’s hearts.” Then in the siblings’ fight at the Renaissance Faire, his entire “argument” is “Dad loves me; they all love the Pavi!” which… again, is focusing in on him being loved and adored, not him being the fucking CEO of a mega-corporation. Pavi doesn’t want to be a leader on a professional level, I don’t think Pavi wants to work a day in his life, Pavi wants to feel loved (which is also why he obsesses with sex so much IMO; he craves intimacy and affection). This is a long-winded as hell headcanon for a really simple question and I realize I’m getting off-topic, but the point I’m trying to make is that I think Pavi doesn’t care about being the owner of GeneCo, I think he cares about getting affection and love and care from people and he’s decided that owning GeneCo will be a gateway to have that… largely because… Luigi… actually wants GeneCo for the actual purpose of running it. Rotti leaves Luigi in charge (or, Luigi wants Rotti to leave him in charge), not Pavi. Pavi doesn’t seem to give a shit if he’s in charge or not. Luigi seems to actually be doing some kind of paperwork, Pavi is fondling Genterns. Luigi wants GeneCo because he wants to be respected and for all his flaws he seems to actually try to show some kind of authority and put his money where his mouth is; Pavi wants GeneCo because… Luigi wants GeneCo (plus, and this is really off topic and I won’t even get into Pavi’s daddy issues in depth now but he also has it in his head I think that Rotti will give GeneCo to the kid who he loves the most, and Pavi is desperate to feel loved by his dad so there’s that).

I think, sadly, if Luigi and Pavi’s lives weren’t so messed up at this point and they weren’t so beyond the point of redemption and had maybe had something close to a healthy upbringing, they actually would be very close and Pavi would really admire Luigi and the two would be able to have a lot of fun together. They do seem to have fun together when they’re not screaming at each other, again as evidenced by their Night Surgeon glance, and I think they even have a vague sense of “we’re in this together” with shit sometimes as evidenced by the little ashamed glance they exchange after Rotti yells at them in the beginning of the movie. They look like little kids who were caught doing something bad and yelled at. It’s almost like Pavi and Luigi never got the chance to healthily grow up and work out how to interact as adults, so in a strange way their entire relationship is based on the mentality they had towards each other when they were squabbling children.

[persephonesgossip-blog]

fondue for the mudracker

A New Beginning

Yo and Hello from JBI and Brittany Pierce, here to bring you the hottest gossip and introduce our newest speciality.  Minus the cheese, there’s a total lack of cheese, we’re working on it.

We all love The Sirens and Divine Influence, obviously - who doesn’t? And since some of us can’t see the tour live RIP all you broke fangirls and tiny children, we wanna make sure you get to see all the drama. So welcome to our new blog for all the ladies on Persephone’s Tour. As The L-Word taught us, too many ladies all together is gonna bring some MAJOR drama. And lady loin tingles.

Speaking of that specific l-word, let’s start out with the only one who’s officially used that word - little Miss Kat Hummel...

Of course we’re all major fans of Kat’s Korner (maybe not all of us?) and we’re stoked for her upcoming fashion line, but is that all we want from her? Of course not! We want her to be rocking with The Sirens 24/7! But is that what Kat wants? The answer is maybe a yes. Rumor has it that Kat is going to drop out of the band to focus on her fashion endeavors. Probably because her socialblade suggests that reviewing shoes and bringing Marley on here and there can only give her so much ad rev. She lacks cheese, I’m telling you, cheese and cats = YouTube success.

She might also just be tiring of certain members of the band. “Members” being used very lightly. Her stepsister, Fiona Hudson, is playing drums for The Sirens, who don’t have their own drummer, on tour. Obviously they’ve used drummers before, and Kat seemed friendly enough with other replacement drummers...but have you noticed how little she mentions Fiona on social media? How Fiona is the only Siren-of-sorts who hasn’t appeared in a Kat’s Korner video? The two don’t seem very close at all. Could family tensions force her to leave? Maybe so, especially since both Marley and Norah could easily take over keyboard and possibly bass when needed. Spoiler alert, Fiona’s height probs makes Kat feel too tiny since she wants to be the biggest thing in the band. Too bad Mad Marls has that covered.

Kat leaving, as mentioned, would let her focus on her well-known first love, fashion. We also assume that means she could focus on her girlfriend, Kitty Wilde of #KittyKat fame. Oh, sorry, we mean “friend”. Friends don’t invite friends to do the couple tag on YouTube, just saying. Obviously. After all, Kitty should have time with her fellow feline-named female once Rachel Berry goes on Broadway, a gig she has lined up right after the tour ends. We all know Rachel loves Broadway and majored in musical theater at UCLA, so will she choose to stay on stage? And, if she doesn’t, can her band really recover from a Broadway hiatus? I hate her.

Kitty, while “close friends” with Kat, has also openly called Rachel her best friend, as the two have known each other almost their entire lives. Kitty only pretends to be in the God Squad so she can convince people she has a soul. It seems rather interesting that Kitty would be so close to the two people who are rumored to be leaving. Is it something she did? Maybe she wants more time with Kat - or maybe she wants to start and empire of her own, and had to recruit Kat to help her start a fashion/make-up/social media fame platform. We’ve noticed how her follower number has grown exponentially since #KittyKat vlogs started, and we wouldn’t be surprised if all of that success went into her little blonde head. Kitty is just a knock off version of Quinn and knock offs always fall apart.

Regardless, we wish Rachel luck on Broadway (no), but not enough luck that she’ll actually get recognized for her work. If she does a good enough job she could get a Tony nomination, which will lead to more job offers, and that might just be the end of Divine Influence... Tony should keep his award and Rachel should keep being horrible somewhere I don’t have to see it anymore.

...Unless someone takes over for Rachel. Lead singers do have a history of being replaced - we’re looking at you, Van Halen, Fleetwood Mac, etc. - but could Divine Influence be doing the same thing? Blair Anderson speaking of, who even IS Blair?????, a back-up singer/dancer on the tour, also studied musical theater at UCLA, and she obviously knew Rachel. There’s even evidence of her being friends with the other members of the band. Sabrina Smythe, the manager of both bands on Pesephone’s Tour, has said their back-up singers have been working hard and well with the bands, She even made special note that Blair could have a solo during the encore which is a shame because Santana Lopez should totally get to sing, and it doesn’t take much searching to find out that Blair has made a demo herself. Is this tour going to be her audition to take over Rachel’s spot? And, more importantly, would we care about the band anymore if Rachel’s not a part of it? Hmm. We just don’t know. Wait... we care about the band right now??

What else we don’t know? Why are there back-up dancers in the first place? Jackie Williams made a smash in Divine Influence’s “Hey Beautiful Angel” music video, but was it enough that they really decided to add dancers to the tour? Back-up singers, sure, which Jackie also doing, but it’s oddly coincidental they managed to book her months afterwards, right? Sabrina announced the search for other back-up for the tour shortly after the video debuted, and Jackie was a part of the search team. Something about that seems rather off, don’t you think? Sad pandas unite for me not making it on the tour. I dance way better and am way hotter and have bigger boobs. So.

Speaking of Sabrina Smythe, have you ever wondered if there was another “S” that needed to slip into her name? Perhaps Sabrina Stripper Smythe? A blind item on twitter claims that some tour member has a stripper past, and wouldn’t that just fit the narrative of the Spoiled Smythe? After all, her best friend, Santana Lopez, is known for taking her clothes off, so we can’t help but wonder if she was influenced by her. She’s also the only member of her family to not have a law degree, and we could see a stripper past causing that problem. I’d pay to see that... just saying.

Another degree-less member? Sam Evans. As in, not even a college degree, or even an attempt at college, like Fiona. It’s rather sad, actually. We don’t know much about her past between Kentucky, dyslexia, and moving to LA. Is she hiding some dark past? THIS IS RUDE college is hard :( and Sam is pretty, pretty people don’t need to go to college. Maybe SHE was the stripper.

Eh. Seems unlikely with how innocent of a country bumpkin she is, but we’re keeping our eyes on her. When your past is full of so many blank spots, we can assume you’re hiding something

Then again, do we know anything about Quinn Fabray? Well, about her past? She was friends of some sort with Santana in college, as evidenced by Santana’s old picture of her with pink hair all the way back from their freshman year. Along with the pink hair, there are some now gone piercings and a punk vibe that we didn’t expect.

We also know that Quinn’s real name is “Lucy”, but why did she change it? Could that mean - NEVERMIND QUINN’S THE STRIPPER

And, lastly, let’s get into our beloved Puckerose, both of whom may not be hiding so much anymore...

Norah Puckerman and Marley Rose have been the fan favorite ship of the band since day one. Over time, the ship has grown from fan speculation to fans just knowing it’s true. All the posts about each other, the duets, the songs they’ve written together, and now they live together? Please! Even non-fringe fans are starting to assume they’re dating. I’d date them, too. I’d also date Norah’s new boyfriend, he’s hot.

Which is why we are very distressed to report images of our beloved Puckster with a man. The two seem to be enjoying time in New York City and are all smiles.

While we all just assume Norah’s bi and, yes, we would be okay with her dating guys, we gotta ask...um, what the fuck??

Norah has mentioned an affinity for older men in the past, but this old? Um...what? Originally we dismissed the photos, since there wasn’t much to them and she could’ve just ran into someone on the street who was trying to talk to her. She’s pleasant to strangers...well, sometimes.

But now the two have been spotted together a couple of times, and we think that could be a sign it’s a real thing. One brave TMZ-er got footage of the two of them at dinner before the man - her boyfriend? - asking her to leave them alone while Norah just sat there politely. Norah being a quiet, good girl?? He looks old, maybe she has a bigger daddy kink than Kitty does for Jesus?

We’re kinkshaming this relationship - am I using that term correctly? Whatever, this whole thing is weird!

Of course, maybe it’s in response to Marley’s obvious beard - oh, oops, “boyfriend” - Ryder Lynn. Marley must be good at shaving, she should shave her boyfriends head, too.

Totally cute and believable - if we pretended Puckerose wasn’t living together - right? Except...where the fuck is this guy? We never see him around. Maybe he’s a robot, they’re good at hiding.

And you’d particularly think he’d want to be around after the events of the day. The OG Sirens had a group interview today, and, as soon as it ended, Marley fainted. She was quickly revived and had plenty of water but was rushed away before any questions could be asked. Marley even declined to be on Fondue for Two which totally means she either hates cheese or isn’t eating at all...because we all know she’d love to come pet my pussy’s. Sabrina and Santana put out a message that Marley was simply dehydrated and tired from all the rehearsals, but, come on, we all know “dehydration” and “exhaustion” are code words for drugs - I bet Norah gave her drugs - and mental health issues. So, what’s Miss Rose hiding besides her relationship with her favorite guitarist? Or is the stress of headlining a major tour while her bestie for the restie, Kat, is planning on leaving too much for her?

Well...we’ll have to wait and see.

[godesssiri]

Death Dying and Solarpunk

 I posted this a couple of years back but it never got many notes and I don’t think many people read it. But Solarpunk is a lot more popular now and I know that a lot of people have found my blog through Solarpunk so I decided to repost this because it is my opus.

I have a lot of opinions on the subject of death and dying so this will be a long post and I will need to break this subject into multiple parts - you have been warned.

First a little of my back-ground. I come from a tight-knit extended family and grew up spending a lot of time with grandparents, aunts and cousins. When I was 13 my Nana started ‘acting a bit funny’ - she had the first in a series of small strokes that left her in a home with dementia where she eventually died.  My Grandad and Aunty (my much loved great-aunt) also ended up in rest-homes dying slowly for years. My father died suddenly of a cerebral haemorrhage when I was 16. 4 years ago my Mum, step-dad and I bought a small 26 bed rest-home and we have averaged about 9 deaths a year.  I’ve been around death a bit. It blows my mind that I know people who are grown adults and have never experienced death.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about dying a death and modern society and most of it boils down to: for the most part, we’re doing it wrong. Doctors treat the ends of our lives as something to be fought off with fire and pitchforks. They prescribe a pill for this and a treatment for that, and how can we prolong this person’s life? Not should we prolong this person’s life? Lives have been massively improved and extended with science but we are decaying organisms and there is only so much that can be done. There comes a point when quantity of life is irrelevant because that life has no quality.

The current generation that are in rest-homes are scared of death, for them it is a specter of their childhood. When they were young people died of infectious disease all the time, they died of what are now treatable diseases, they died in poor work conditions. People died in their homes and at their work - all of these people would have seen a dead body. These people grew up burying loved ones. They’ve spent their whole lives seeing death being fought and conquered. New medicines, vaccines, treatments, improved health and safety.  Death has been pushed back and fought off but now it’s coming for them in a way science can’t fight - natural death. Because it’s a specter, they’ve never talked about it with their families and the families don’t know what to do so they stick them in a rest-home and come to visit when they can then get outa there as soon as they can.  

For the generations after this one, death is a failure of the science they have lived with their whole lives. They haven’t had the childhood experience of death. Burying a loved one is an uncommon occurrence and it has become taboo. Nobody talks to children about death, nobody talks to each other about death. Unless you are diagnosed with a terminal illness nobody prepares for death.  Sick people are kept in hospitals and hospices, elderly people are kept in rest-homes and dementia units. We have put death in boxes. We need to get it out of the box.

So how do we do that? How do we start doing death right?

I personally plan to make sure everyone around me knows what I want for when I am dying and when I am dead.  I plan to sit down with a lawyer in a few years’ time and make a living will with instructions for what to do if I become incapable of making decisions. I will also sit down with a doctor and make a long term care plan so that as I age and things a breaking down I don’t get any treatments that I don’t want. If I am diagnosed with any form of dementia I want to be taken off all life prolonging medications and treatments. Let me have painkillers and medications to prevent anxiety and/or depression but nothing to prevent organ failure. I’ve had this discussion with my mother and that’s what she wants as well - I intend to make sure it happens. We really really need to have these conversations with our loved ones and in an ideal society it would be completely normal to sit down with your family and say ‘When I’m dying.......’.  Talking about dying needs to be normalized.

We also need to make death part of the community again. Let me tell you a couple of stories from my family’s rest-home. One of our staff members got married at the home, we have a lovely garden and she really wanted to get married in our gazebo so we hosted the wedding. We decorated beautifully; we had about a million flowers, my step-dad made butterfly cakes. One of the residents had been declining for a while and we didn’t really expect her to be able to participate but she bucked up for the day. She got dressed up in her best clothes (so did all the other residents), she watched the ceremony with her daughter, she scoffed a butterfly cake. I took a lovely picture of her daughter and her and their nice clothes. She died the next day. I was able to give her daughter that beautiful picture of the 2 of them.  We often have the local school choir come in to sing, good practice for the kids performing and lovely entertainment for the residents. One year in December they came to sing carols and we had a woman in her room dying. The family asked if maybe some of the kids could come into her room and sing for her? After talking to the teacher and explaining to the kids that this lady was not well and probably wouldn’t live until Christmas but that was nothing to be afraid of, it was completely natural; the kids went into her room and sang Silent Night. It was so incredibly moving and she was so happy. The kids felt incredibly proud that they could make her that happy. 

We try very hard to bring life into our rest home. Our nurse lives in a house at the back of the home with her family. She has a 14 year old and 10 year old and 7 year old. The kids are in and out of the rest home with their friends all the time. They run errands, stop and chat with the old folks, play with the rest-home pets, sit on the floor in the lounge and watch Disney movies with the residents. We have 2 cats and my mother brings her tiny dog, Lucy, into work every day. All of the animals have been left behind by elderly owners who passed away in our care.

In my ideal Solarpunk world hospitals, hospices and care-homes would be part of a larger complex that would also include crèches, classrooms (both for young children and also for continuing education for adults), community spaces and animal rescue facilities. The wider community, especially children, would be encouraged to come into the spaces inhabited by the sick and dying. It would not only help the people who were dying, giving them distraction and entertainment; but it would also help the young and healthy to accept mortality and see that death is a natural part of life and not a scary bogey man. It would give the dying a chance to pass on skills and stories, it’s amazing what you learn when you sit down and spend time with someone who is at the end of their life. Also in my ideal Solarpunk world being a hospice nurse would be as admired and aspirational as being a midwife. Whenever someone tells you they’re a midwife, or they want to be one, your immediate reactions is usually ‘Wow it would be awesome to see new lives come into the world every day’. It’s actually just as much of a privilege to help someone depart this life as it is to help someone enter it. I have been in the room, several times, with someone who is dying. It’s an indescribable feeling – I have actually felt their departed loved ones come to get them. Being able to help ease someone out of life and help their family through losing them is a huge honor and it is a job that no one starts out wanting (because we are taught death is scary) but once you’ve done it once or twice you recognize it for the miracle it is. Everyone talks about the miracle of birth but death is its own renewal and potential and celebration.

We’ve had some awesome funerals in my family. Does that sound odd? But it’s true. I have nothing but good memories of funerals. As much as I cried at the time, it’s the stories and the music and the coming together that I remember about them. It’s the tribute to a life well lived and the celebration of the love you feel for that person. I live in New Zealand and in native Maori culture it is traditional for the family to fill in the grave themselves. My family is white and I remember when we buried my Nana we were going to do the white thing and walk away after the service. My cousin Glen just stood by the grave-side and went: Nope. He has Maori cousins on his dad’s side and it felt wrong to him to walk away from an unfilled grave, luckily those cousins had come to support him and had done what they usually did for a funeral – turn up with a car trunk full of shovels. Our closest friends and family stayed when everyone else had left and we all took turns to help with the digging until we had filled the grave. It was like the service before had been the public expression of respect, open to anyone who knew Nana, but this was a private time for the people who really loved her and those who loved us and stayed in support of our grief.  We have followed this tradition for every person we have buried since.  We had Grandad’s funeral at a chapel that was just one street over from my mother’s house. All of our closest family gathered there about an hour beforehand; then we took a pleasant walk down a tree-lined side street to get to the chapel. There was something centering and sacred about walking with my family under those trees. After it was all over we went back to Mum’s house and had a barbeque in the back yard. We took millions of pictures and those are some of my favorite family photos – I think Grandad would have liked that the generations that had come from him and Nana gather together like that. Aunty’s funeral was all about the details. Mum picked out the bright blue coffin. My Aunty Judy found the purple suit Aunty was buried in. My cousin Becks made a powerpoint photo tribute. I chose the flowers. It was all organised by a funeral director but it really felt like we all had a part in making it special and exactly what Aunty would have wanted

Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living. They are a way of letting go. Cry, laugh, tells stories, pay tribute; and move on. A funeral shouldn’t be a somber affair, oppressive for those who loved the person you are fare-welling and awkward for those who didn’t know them as well. A funeral should have laughter and stories and music that the person loved. A chance to remember the good, forgive the bad and celebrate the time you had. I think a Solarpunk funeral would be a lot more DIY than commoditized, picked-from-a-brochure, funerals we see now. One friend or family member would do the flowers, another would do the music, another the food. The community would come together to support the loved ones of the deceased and to give them special memories of the day. And currently, funerals are expensive, often leaving a family in debt – if everyone pitched in then it could be done cheaply and not leave the family with a financial burden.

So now what do we do with the body? Did you know our bodies are chock full of toxins? Cremation sends those toxins into the air. Burial leeches them into the earth. Not to mention the crap that’s in chip-board coffins with their plastic handles. Permapunk pointed me in the direction of these awesome Mushroom Burial Suits which use mushrooms to help with decomposition and to process the toxins in our bodies so they’re not so hazardous. I’ve also come across these awesome Organic Burial Pods that turn your body into nutrients for a tree that is planted directly above. I think it would be great if you could combine the two so that the mushrooms process the toxins in your body and make it’s nutrients safer for the tree. I can imagine wonderful memorial forests where you could take your grandkids to visit your parent’s trees and watch them climb all over them, or you could decorate your sister’s tree with ribbons on her birthday, or you could watch your child’s tree blossom in spring. Or you could choose to be buried in a plantation and your tree could be harvested to be made into a special piece of furniture for future generations of your family (“Nice rocking chair” “Oh yeah, that’s Great Uncle George”), you could will that your tree be used in the building of a hospital, or a school, or a community hall – or whatever institution you would want to be a permanent part of, your tree could be pulped and made into books.

Let’s do death differently. Let’s make it less scary, make it part of the community. Let’s make funerals less of a drag and a burden and make them something you would enjoy attending and carry away great memories from. Let’s memorialize people in ways that contribute positively to the future, improving the environment and giving future generations something to enjoy.

[psychonedashone]

Cordillera: A Melting Pot of Culture in the North (Busa&Redelicia)

The Cordillera central mountain range, dubbed “The Cordilleras” or sometime referred to as “The Highlands”, is the largest in the Philippines. Cordillera region consists of 6 provinces plus one city: Apayao, Abra, Benguet, Ifugao, Kalinga, Mountain Province plus BAGUIO. Each province has its own, different ethnic tribes and their dialects. Nevertheless, all these indigenous groups are generally referred to as “Igorots”

The Indigenous People of the Cordillera

Inhabiting the rugged terrain of the Cordillera Region of Northern Philippines are  ethno-linguistic tribes known as the Ibaloy, Ifugao, Kalinga, Apayao/Isneg, the Bontoc, and Gaddang. They are referred to by a generic term, Igorot, a word coined from the root word, “golot” meaning mountain. Unlike most of the Philippines, which were ruled by Spaniards for about four hundred years, the Cordillera region was generally unfazed by Spanish colonization. The Igorot tribes are held together by their common socio-cultural traits as well as their geographic proximity to each other. During pre-Christian Cordillera (and to some extent, the present), the six different tribes shared similar religious beliefs, generally nature-related, and they make proprietary offerings to “anitos” (spirits) as well as to household gods.

The Bontocs

The Bontoc live on the banks of the Chico River in the Central Mountain Province on the island of Luzon. They speak the Bontoc language and Ilocano. They formerly practiced head-hunting and had distinctive body tattoos. The Bontoc describe three types of tattoos: Thechak-lag′, the tattooed chest of the head taker; pong′-o, the tattooed arms of men and women; and fa′-tĕk, for all other tattoos of both sexes. Women were tattooed on the arms only. In the past, the Bontoc engaged in none of the usual pastimes or games of chance practiced in other areas of the country, but did perform a circular rhythmic dance acting out certain aspects of the hunt, always accompanied by the gang′-sa or bronze gong. There was no singing or talking during the dance drama, but the women took part, usually outside the circumference.

The Ibalois

The Ibaloi (also Ibaloy and Nabaloi) and Kalanguya (also Kallahan and Ikalahan) are one of the indigenous peoples of the Philippines who live mostly in the southern part of Benguet, located in the Cordillera of northern Luzon, and Nueva Vizcaya in the Cagayan Valley region. They were traditionally an agrarian society. Many of the Ibaloi and Kalanguya people continue with their agriculture and rice cultivation. 

The Gaddangs

They're known by other names such as the Gadan, Gaddanes, Iraya, and Irraya, meaning “upriver”.  They can be found in the eastern parts of Ifugao, the mountain province in Southeast Kalinga, and in the foothills of Cordillera Central.  During the Spanish occupation, the lowland Gaddangs intermingled with other valley occupants, such as the Ibanags and Ilocanos, while others still, fled to the Cordillera and Sierra Madre Mountains to escape Spanish persecution.  The population of this indigenous tribe is declining as they intermarry with and become absorbed by the larger groups.  Their name derives from a combination of ga “heat” and dang “burned”, hence, they have have a darker complexion compared to other peoples of the Cordilleras.  Chrisitans stereotyped them as 'untamed' and dangerous; in reality, they're of a calmer disposition compared to neighboring tribes.

The highlanders have maintained their unique culture, including their traditional costumes lavishly adorned with beads and precious stones.  For instance, their ceremonial dress and ornamentation are some of the most elaborate and decorative; clothing of Western cut and commercial fabric are obtained from the lowland market.  They have a penchant for decorating their clothes with beads, shells, buttons, and coins – sometimes covering significant portions of the clothing with ornamentations.  Everyday attire, on the other hand, is simple, as evidenced by the men who don G-strings either in the homes or fields but don a pair of pants over their loin cloths when going to town.  For ceremonies, men slip into loincloths (dinega), a small beaded jacket (koton), and cape (tapit).

The Itnegs

Itneg is an alternate name of Tinguian. Tinguian means "the people of the mountains," It was originally used to refer to all mountain dwelling people. These days it is particularly used to refer to a cultural minority group occupying the mountains of Abra. Music is an important aspect of Tinguian culture. Singing is a normal occurrence in the community and in the work fields. Their musical instruments are the "kalalent" (nose flute) the gangsa (copper gongs) and the "kulintang" (guitar).  Economic life is based on agriculture. It is the principal source of income for the people. Agricultural products are rice, camote, yams, corn, squash, ginger, melon, sugar cane, fruits, and good quality cotton and tobacco. Aside from being farmers, they also do fresh water fishing, weaving various types of cloths and blanket, pottery making, and basketry. A Tinguian village is usually headed by one of the old men or "lakay" chosen by a council of elder members of the village. A "lakay" is chosen based on his courage, health, wisdom and character. His role is to settle disputes in accordance with the customs and traditions. If a dispute is serious or the problem is new, he calls the council of elders or heads of influential families to discuss and decide with him.

The Kalingas

The Kalinga, also known as Limos or Limos-Liwan Kalinga, inhabit the drainage basin of the middle Chico River in Kalinga Province. The Kalinga are sub-divided into Southern and Northern groups; the latter is considered the most heavily-ornamented people of the northern Philippines.

The Kalinga practice both wet and dry rice farming. They also developed an institution of peace pacts called Bodong which has minimised traditional warfare and headhunting and serves as a mechanism for the initiation, maintenance, renewal and reinforcement of kinship and social ties.

They also speak the Kalinga, Ilocano, and Limos languages. Kalinga society is very kinship-oriented, and relatives are held responsible for avenging any injury done to a member. Disputes are usually settled by the regional leaders, who listen to all sides and then impose fines on the guilty party. These are not formal council meetings, but carry a good deal of authority.

The Ifugaos

The Ifugao call themselves as i-pugao or "inhabitants of the known earth"; other variations of the name are Ifugaw, Ipugao, and Yfugao. They live primarily in the province of Ifugao in Central Cordillera, in Northern Luzon. The name is supposed to have come from ipugo which means "from the hill." The Amganad Ifugao (Ifugaw) populate the central part of Ifugao Province and has two dialects: Burnay and Banaue.  Additionally, their name is synonymous with the famous man-made Banaue Rice Terraces in northern Luzon, which had once been hailed the "eighth wonder of the world", and attributed to their engineering knowledge and agricultural terracing. Historically, Ifugao was one of the places in the Archipelago least influenced by the Spaniards, even though they did venture into Ifugao territory; the Spaniards were unable to transform their culture and values. Anthropologists have regarded the Ifugao as possibly the oldest residents of the highlands; their origin attributed to Indonesian migration, dating back as early as 800-500 BC.  

[ghostmartyr]

SnK 93 Thoughts

So.

So, so, so.

Ahem.

Some will win Some will lose Some were born to sing the blues

Oh, the movie never ends It goes on and on, and on, and on

Isayama has always had a way of indulging monstrosities. When it comes to people being terrible, he’s pretty negligent with restraint. During the coup arc, he makes the similarities between the chaotic hunger of titans and humans so blatantly clear that it’s easy to feel like you’re being bashed over the head with a hammer. When he wants to make a point, he makes a point.

Since Marley’s been part of the show, it’s existed almost entirely as a How To guide on how not to be a person. Their entire military force is based in bigotry of one sort or another, their entire reason for attacking Paradis is feeling entitled to their resources, and most everything we’ve seen of how Eldians are treated in general makes the thought of a meteor eliminating the whole nation a lot less sad than that usually might be.

In this chapter, the scale is dialed back, and we’re given a chance to see the Marleyans as more than caricatures of evil.

We see humans who are worried about what their decreased military power means for their nation. We see them discussing their options in quiet offices and rooftops.

In its own way, that’s as disturbing as everything else Marley has done. They are still the people who view Eldian lives as exploitable trash. They still have no issues throwing people out of planes to be their mindless, helpless weapons. The morality of attacking a nation that has done absolutely nothing to provoke them never enters into play.

Every appalling act of inhumanity performed by their country has been backed by human beings. They aren’t actively setting out to be as evil as possible; they just take in their options, and when the only thing standing in their way is moral decency, decline to let that be a factor.

After Reiner and Bertolt break down Wall Maria, thousands of people are killed. What’s easy to forget so many years later is that thousands of those people die because their government decides that it’s easier for everyone if they write off their lives.

Marley has gotten away with adopting that decision as a lifestyle. Largely because they don’t have to deal with the pesky consideration that Eldians are people.

Essentially, minus the flagrant bigotry, they’re everything that Paradis escapes becoming. On Paradis, after a hundred years of being cowed into complacence and letting some of their worst human vices take over, people start to wake up. They’re given a glimpse of hope, and a future, and enough people are willing to believe in that to change the cruelty that’s been smothering them.

The Marleyan Eldians, the only people who have serious personal stakes in maybe not doing things this way anymore, don’t have much hope. The greatest option for a better life is training as hard as possible to be selected to die in thirteen years.

That’s a cycle that’s been going on for a hundred years. It hasn’t broken. The system’s just found a way to make Eldians compliant in their tragedy.

I don’t know how the chapter title works out in Japanese, or what references Isayama may or may not include, but in English, the title, “Midnight Train,” makes it hard to think of anything but Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’.

There’s a literal train a the end of the chapter, of course, and. it is arguably around midnight at the time it’s running, but that’s less fun.

I could probably go to more effort weaving in and out of how the two can relate, but for the purposes of this second, I’m just going to quote fast and get out.

Payin' anything to roll the dice Just one more time

On its own, those lines easily call to both the Warriors and the Survey Corps. Countless Scouts have given up their lives for the barest hint of a chance that something might go right someday.

Warriors see how they’re treated by their country constantly, and know that this didn’t start yesterday, and they each still approach it with the thought that they’ll be the ones to make everything okay for their people.

Some will win, and some will lose.

For Marleyan Eldians, Marley is the house, and they’re handing the players loaded dice.

Some were clearly born to sing the blues.

Anyway, that’s a lot of nothing saying that I appreciate the less blatant evil going on in this chapter. It makes the worst of it all hit harder. Things aren’t always train tracks and mustache-twirling. These are real human beings, choosing to enact real horrors.

Though. All the same.

There is no part of this sentiment that is not fucked up, and I’d really like to stop reading about Marley now.

What else, what else...

Well, confirmation that no one on Marley’s side knows about Zeke’s royal blood; except for maybe Zeke. We also get explicit verbage about Shifters inheriting their predecessors’ memories.

Along with the implication that Zeke went around stabbing every single person in Connie’s village with needles full of his spinal fluid.

...I. Do not know which implication is worse, there. Does... Zeke keep a stock of his spinal fluid? I mean, Marley would be more likely in that case, but that’s pretty thoroughly worse.

Getting spinal fluid out is considered pretty painful, to my knowledge. ...Does he stab himself when he’s all alone on random islands?

...Was there ever a reason given besides, “for funsies,” that he transformed Connie’s village anyway?

I think I’m just not going to think about that one too hard unless the manga starts shining a giant spotlight on it. Not caring is usually a pretty good ally in lore things.

In other news, Reiner continues to be a horrible person, adding threatening small children to his list of faults. At least he only scares the one who doesn’t like him much half to death.

It continues to amaze me that you can develop a character who is unfailingly loyal to the point that it psychologically breaks him to be a traitor, and still make him such an asshole. When he isn’t jumping in front of things for people, he’s making them feel like crap.

Unless your name’s Connie.

Then he’ll just loudly suggest that you’re a moron for hearing weird things around your mother’s titanized body.

...

Reiner should not be allowed to people.

He also has a weird obsession with turning boys into white knights.

Krista?

I shall save you, girl whose name I have yet to get right!

Bertolt has a thing for Annie?

You must rescue her as is becoming of the princely way!

Falco has a thing for Gabi?

You shall save her, valiant young steed!

He gives this poor kid a traumatizing lecture on the honor Warriors are bestowed with, and then drags him into a grueling grind of training to surpass Gabi so that he’ll be chosen (things to be included: comfort with standing in front of enemy lines in your underwear with not but a bunch of bombs for company), and then terms it as saving the damsel in distress from the horror that is being a Marley Warrior.

Reiner doesn’t just want to be a fairy tale knight.

He wants everyone around him to be one too.

If Galliard didn’t hate him, he’d be spending all of his time telling him to protect the fair maiden Pieck.

That’s Reiner’s real character arc: He’s just this poor guy trying to get an RP group going. No one ever plays the scene out right, so he’s condemned to misery for the rest of his lonely two years.

Alternatively, he has no clue how to deal with his own emotions, so he’s constantly shoving them off on other people who are just barely well-adjusted enough to maybe get something done.

“I’m a lost cause so I’m going to yell at children” is a staple of the genre.

I don’t know if Reiner’s still doing his Soldier/Warrior split (I’m guessing not, since he’s so definitively in Warrior territory, and has been for several years now), but his psychological health has somehow succeeded in getting worse.

Maybe try killing less people.

So far, I like Pieck and Galliard. Pieck obviously garners immediate sympathy because the Cartman train apparently isn’t allowed to stop during a war, and having Galliard obviously care for her is cool. These two haven’t betrayed anyone yet, or been spotted attacking people they aren’t actively at war with, so it’s easier to see them as people.

Galliard’s dislike of Reiner is just a bonus.

It’s also kind of sad. “Kind of” meaning very. No one but Reiner understands the weight of everything that happens on Paradis, but Galliard is the one whose squad left him behind. Reiner, Bertolt, Annie, and his brother are all chosen ahead of him, and he has to watch them head off to save their people while he just stays put.

Then the only person who comes back is the one whose spot he was in direct competition for. His brother and the friends he could like are gone, and Reiner has the audacity to stay standing.

Unfortunately, I think that brings us to the only reason any of you are probably reading this post.

Jaws is the Dancing Titan.

Galliard is the successor of Ymir’s power, by proof of his abilities and new memories.

That would indicate that Ymir is dead.

Every single thing we know about canon says that Ymir is dead.

Deceased. Nommed. Gone.

We have flashback panels to before she’s eaten. Galliard remembers her by name. He has memories of Reiner’s time as a soldier.

Short of a body, which, um. Let’s just say would not be around, given the circumstances, that is pretty damn conclusive.

So.

I have a problem.

My problem is a pretty simple one.

This is really fucking stupid.

And I really, really, really wish that in a capslock rage kind of way, because I feel like I would have an easier time defending that. Sadly, I don’t mean it in that way.

What I mean is that the story has failed so spectacularly to establish logic in this chain of events that I’m not convinced that this is the end.

Which means that I’m probably going to continue getting asks about why I think Ymir’s alive (though that isn’t... precisely true).

Despite being handed a chapter that pretty much shouts, “SHE’S DEAD,” as loudly as possible.

Yeah.

Assuming that there’s at least one person who’s interested in why in between laughing at me or unfollowing in disgust or any number of other things that make me think that being in mourning would actually be easier, I guess I’ll keep typing and try to explain why.

Ymir’s fate has happened to come up a number of times here, but I think the best explanation for my belief in her continued longevity is the one I went with most recently.

I’m no stranger to looking askance at Isayama’s writing choices. However, one thing he has always stayed true to, with a consistency that any writer would find admirable, is the characters. You see signs of who all of these people are far before the traits become relevant. He has a talent for breathing life into his creations, and however long they live for, they are distinct individuals without any notes to them that ring untrue.

With the facts currently at hand, for the first time, we have a jarring development that feels more like an instrument of the plot than something that a character would actually do.

Galliard and Reiner both say that Ymir volunteers to die.

Putting aside the fact that Reiner is a complete jackass for letting Ymir do that for him and Bertolt (what the hell is wrong with you that you present the woman who saved your life to be eaten alive), I do not know how to begin with this.

Because I know that this is one of those positions that means I basically can’t ever have a civil conversation with anyone again in this fandom, I’m going to try to be as direct as possible about my reasoning.

The issues start with... wow, I really don’t like doing this.

At the simplest level, nothing we have seen of Ymir since her time on the wall with Reiner and Bertolt suggests that this is a decision she’s happy about. She looks like death (ha) in this chapter, and she doesn’t look much happier writing out her love letter.

This isn’t the scared-but-willing face she puts on during Utgard or the kidnapping arc. It isn’t the smile when she talks about being a goddess. It’s desolation.

There are parts to the end of volume twelve that could point to this as a legit ending. I think one of the things I brought up in regards to Bertolt’s death was that the second his development landed on the idea that everything is inevitable, his death joined the list, because this is a series where if you don’t fight, you most assuredly do not win.

If you wanted to go there, making the case that Isayama can be lax with the amount of evidence his character decisions have, but they are always available, then Ymir’s line, “I’m tired out. I’ve just had enough. ...I’m done,” is perfectly prophetic, the end.

My problem with that is it happens post-Utgard and kidnapping arc. I don’t think any other set of chapters is as committed to sleep deprivation as those ones, and basically all of the decisions Ymir makes during the kidnapping arc are shortsighted and corrected by someone having half a second to think about them.

I’m using “problem” like it’s singular a lot. I do that. It’s annoying, and I’m going to continue doing it.

The more pressing issue here is that if this is how Ymir’s story ends, she has absolutely zero value as an individual.

She lives and dies only for other people.

She does it in her first life, then again in her second.

She has an active desire to avoid that.

Oh well.

I don’t think I know how to put into words how thoroughly this end would turn Ymir into a satellite character.

Every life lesson she ever learns for herself has zero effect on her life. As far as character development goes, if this is how things play out, she doesn’t really have any. She begins her life living only for the happiness of others, and ends her life dying only for the happiness of others.

In a lot of stories, that wouldn’t be such a problem. There is definite tragedy in someone’s own nature betraying their desires. That’s practically what tragedy is.

But with Ymir--first off, as mentioned in the above link, we’ve already done this at Utgard. This is exactly the problem she faces at Utgard, finding that she has too much love in her heart to save her own skin at all costs. Saving Reiner and Bertolt is a dull repetition of that revelation already.

And that’s before saving them involves moving forward to be eaten alive.

This is actually painful: She has a life on Marley, dies because she’s a tryhard. She has a life on Paradis, then Utgard happens and oh no, she cares about people. Then kidnapping happens, and oh no, she still cares about Historia. THEN THE CONCLUSION OF THE KIDNAPPING HAPPENS, AND OH NO, SHE CARES ABOUT REINER AND BERTOLT.

Following all of that: OH NO, DESPITE WONDERING WHY THE HELL THIS IS A DECISION SHE’S MADE, YEP, STILL GONNA DIE FOR THEM!

(you know, those people she threatened with death an hour ago for a chance to see Historia one more time)

You can make the argument that she’s consistent, but there’s a huge difference in automatically shielding people from immediate danger, and walking up to the gallows and tying the knot yourself. For that final save, that’s what the story is asking us to believe happened.

Additionally, all of the above only benefits other people. If this is the end, Ymir’s basic function in the story is being Historia’s love interest and keeping plot-essential characters breathing. On her own, she has a personality, but you might as well stamp tool to her forehead and be done with it.

Seriously, playing along with exactly what the text says, with dead Ymir: Remove Historia from the story and then examine how much worth Ymir’s story has to any of this. If she’s dead, she’s more plot device than person, which Isayama has always been good about avoiding.

...Okay, I don’t think I can say that without someone at least thinking of Floch, to which I say that if Ymir and Floch are at all comparable in value, you know something’s gone sideways.

There is no solid logic for Ymir to hand herself over to Marley. By dying, she spares Bertolt for what, two months? Reiner would have died as well if not for being Reiner. She also gives Marley a shiny new toy, with no guarantees on this new person caring at all about Historia.

Oh yeah, and she’d be dead.

She kind of spends several pages during 47 having a meltdown over imminent death.

And in that case, she’s facing it for Historia.

That girl she loves or something.

Who she’s still willing to put at risk just to see her one more time because she’s a selfish teenager who has things to live for.

But, you know, things happen. Characters aren’t always as important as you think they are, that’s the way it goes, and so on and so forth.

Except it does matter that Ymir’s arc is concluding this way. With no other character besides Historia (who has an extensive arc dealing with the emotional threat this represents) could you have an ending that flies so directly in the face of everything they stand for. And for crying out loud, Historia’s arc is pretty much learning to use everything Ymir teaches her.

You can’t have Ymir fail her own beliefs this badly without any elaboration.

Like.

You’re going to kill yourself, the ultimate act of submission. Is that how much you want to please the people who treated you like a nuisance?! Why are you trying to hurt yourself?! If your will is that strong… then shouldn’t you be able to change your fate?!

We get a whole character arc that starts with Ymir deriding her for abusing her suicidal desires. Willingly walking into death without fighting like hell to stay alive is not something Ymir does.

If this is really the end, it’s appallingly disrespectful to everything Ymir is as a character, using her only to keep the key players alive and sane--and maybe as a reason for a queen of some island to have a serious grudge.

None of which involves treating Ymir as a person who matters as an individual.

And that’s the crux of the thing for me.

Which is sad, since I don’t really want more people telling me how very wrong about life, the universe, and everything I am.

Here it is, though:

Despite all evidence pointing to Ymir’s death, and despite everything we know about canon only supporting that she must be dead, Isayama has such a long track record of respecting his characters that I do not believe that this is her end.

There is no grounding in canon for thinking that Ymir is alive (I’m not even sure she is alive in the traditional way, if there’s more to this). There is only suspicion built on the author’s history. That isn’t much. By the standards I prefer, it’s absolutely nothing.

Shifters aren’t great about remembering that first nom, and we know nothing about the ninth titan yet, but there’s also no reason to believe either of those things might be relevant.

I don’t like being the person who looks at mountains of evidence and shrugs it off. I really don’t like it when character deaths are involved. I hate it, actually, but I’m guessing that until the manga ends, even when the inevitable volume release finally has an X through Ymir’s picture, I’ll be holding out for something amazing happening with her.

Because I’m a moron.

Well.

And it enables me to end the post in this fashion.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING

HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEEEEEELING

[scienceblogtumbler]

Music’s Effect on the Aging Brain

Jennie Dorris stood behind her marimba calling out the name of each musical note as she struck its corresponding wooden bar with a rubber mallet, “C! E! F! … Now, roll the G!”

Half a dozen older adults followed her lead, using rubber mallets to strike the notes on their own marimbas. The deep, rich tones resonated around the classroom.

Dorris studies music’s effect on the aging brain. She is a research associate in Carnegie Mellon University’s School of Music, and the classroom was her laboratory before the pandemic pushed the pause button on group gatherings. Her students are local residents with mild cognitive impairment who hope learning music will stave off dementia. Dorris hopes it will, too.

In fact, she has bet her career on it.

Her marimba program is the first of its kind in the nation. She created it for doctors and researchers from the Alzheimer’s Disease Research Center at the University of Pittsburgh. They had found that certain interventions could delay the onset of Alzheimer’s disease, and they were looking for someone to design a music component for their BriTE Wellness Program, which promotes mind and body wellness in older adults through movement, creativity and cognitive training exercises.

“What we loved about the marimba is that the lower sound is a really good fit for older adults. We also liked that you have to stand to play the marimba,” she said. “And, using the mallet to strike the instrument doesn’t require fine motor skills. It’s very safe for someone who may be facing some arthritis or some type of tremors in the hands.”

Week after week, Dorris brought her A-game and trademark enthusiasm to BriTE participants in person, and they responded in kind. Now that BriTE has successfully transitioned to Zoom, she has had to figure out creative ways to engage them online — minus the marimbas.

“We don’t know how long this is going to last, and the concern is what can be lost in terms of progression of the disease if people are isolated for any amount of time,” she said.

As much as she would like to send everyone marimbas, she cannot. So, in the interim they are learning things they can all do at home, such as how to read sheet music, how to conduct music, what the different components of music are, and singing those components while others try to guess what they are hearing.

Dorris used the opportunity to create a research project with BriTE’s music instructor, Heather DiCicco, who is offering music classes via Zoom. The two collaborated to develop a digital music program using research principles.

With the protocol of the program now in place, BriTE can grow its classes and train new music instructors in order to reach more older adults who may be isolated. In addition, Dorris is writing a paper about the development of the digital music program to share her experience with other researchers and clinicians.

“It gives me so much joy and purpose.” Jennie Dorris

“It’s been a blessing in disguise to have had the time and the pressure to create an online program,” she said. “BriTE is making a plan to keep its digital offerings in the future, and we are using our time to refine and standardize the best program we can in this new medium!”

The feedback is coming in positive, even in ways they hadn’t predicted.

“What we’re realizing even beyond the pandemic is that meeting on Zoom is social connection for them. Just seeing other people’s faces in that Brady Bunch grid, they have said they feel like they’re in a living room with other people, and that is very meaningful,” she said. “It gives me so much joy and purpose to focus on what I love to do during such hard times for everyone, but particularly older adults who I think feel this the hardest.”

Dorris is a writer, a percussionist and an interdisciplinary artist. She earned a bachelor’s degree in music and journalism from Drake University and a master’s degree in music performance from the University of Colorado at Boulder. Performing with orchestras left her wanting to feel more of a personal connection with her audiences. She began developing community music programs and pioneered a Musical Storytelling technique to help people express themselves that is now used in schools, cancer centers and nonprofits.

In 2019, she received a grant from the Academy of Country Music Lifting Lives Program, which is dedicated to improving lives through the power of music, to study if learning to read music notation could help older adults better navigate their world. She will be presenting her research from this grant at the 2020 Annual Scientific Meeting of the Gerontological Society of America. In May, she completed her first year toward a Ph.D. in rehabilitation science at the University of Pittsburgh’s School of Health and Rehabilitation Sciences, where her focus is creating musical interventions for older adults.

“The work that Jennie is doing could have tremendous ramifications for using music and instrumental practice in slowing cognitive decline in the aging brain,” said Denis Colwell, head of Carnegie Mellon’s School of Music.

“Jennie has designed and implemented a very important research study in cooperation with the University of Pittsburgh that could give rise to a whole new research area and new clinical treatment protocols.”

Roll on, Jennie Dorris. Roll on.

source https://scienceblog.com/517744/musics-effect-on-the-aging-brain/

[biofunmy]

At VidCon, Influencers, Fans, And Brands Seemed Ready To Leave YouTube Behind

Jerod Harris / Getty Images

An attendee at 2019 VidCon on July 11 in Anaheim, California.

“How dark do you want to get,” YouTuber Lindsay Ellis asked the moderator of one of the first panels at VidCon, the flashy, annual digital video conference in Anaheim, California. VidCon may have once been known as a breathless celebration of all things digital video and all the fame and money that comes with it for creators, but in 2019, it was kicking off with a discussion led by the executive director for Uplift, an organization that provides resources for YouTube creators dealing with sexual violence, about how online video communities have changed over the years.

“It was fun,” said Ellis. “Now it’s like, OK, how do we protect ourselves from our audience?”

“How do we protect ourselves from our audience?”

VidCon celebrated its 10-year anniversary this week. Yet the palpable sadness hovering over Thursday’s panels revealed how heavily the internet’s problems now weigh on top video creators. Featured influencers spoke frankly about their struggles with mental health and the pressures of content creation at many points throughout the day. Panels devolved into group therapy sessions, as YouTubers commiserated over shared experiences with harassment and exploitation.

Jim Louderback, the CEO of VidCon, told BuzzFeed News that the conference doesn’t shy away from issues that matter for creators and attendees: harassment, mental health, and exploitation. “We’ll talk about it because it’s on people’s minds,” he said. He thinks that tough conversations that happen at VidCon can help create positive change on these platforms. “We spark change through these discussions,” he said.

As creators shared their frustration at YouTube’s lack of institutional support, marketers and brand managers seemed excited about what a YouTube-less future might look like. The platform has evolved into something far different from what it was when John Green and his brother Hank started VidCon 10 years ago.

YouTube’s role in the next chapter of online video is still taking shape, but a glimpse at VidCon’s standing room–only TikTok panel seemed portentous.

Jerod Harris / Getty Images

Another 2019 VidCon attendee.

For the uninitiated, it’s useful to think of VidCon as several different conferences happening simultaneously. For the thousands of mostly prepubescent fans and their beleaguered parent chaperones, it’s something akin to Comic-Con. There are booths to buy merch, lines to take selfies with their favorite YouTubers, food stalls, and concerts. For creators, it feels like a film festival, a place to network and set up future partnerships. For industry leaders and entrepreneurs, it’s a tech summit, where CEOs and strategists shuffle on and off various stages, trotting out data points and user metrics to dazzle each other.

These clashing realities intersect in strange and surreal ways. At a party hosted Wednesday night by digital entertainment company Tubefilter in northwest Anaheim, teenage attendees lined up to ride go-karts and internet-famous children picked at a table nearby lined with bowls of candy while midtier influencers mingled with executives at an open bar. At one point, the party converged around an Instagram-famous Pomeranian wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. The dog’s owner was trying to yell out the dog’s Instagram handle over the sound of guests singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone” on a karaoke machine on the other side of the room.

YouTube wasn’t an official partner of VidCon until 2013, and it wasn’t until 2014 that YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki spoke at the conference. In 2018, however, VidCon was purchased by Viacom. This year, YouTube is a sponsor. Cofounder Hank Green is still closely involved with it, but it is a part of Viacom Digital Studios. This identity crisis — is it a YouTube convention, is it a digital video conference, is it a Viacom showcase — was extremely noticeable this year, particularly in the conference’s choice of featured guests. YouTube declined to comment.

As featured VidCon guests throughout the day Thursday attempted to wrestle with a decade of YouTube, it seemed it was even harder to be optimistic about the platform’s future. It recently has come under fire for its inability to moderate anti-vax misinformation, harmful content, online harassment, white nationalism, conspiracy theories, and discrimination. It has been accused of promoting child exploitation. Its recommendation algorithm has been accused of spreading political radicalization.

YouTube, which launched in 2005, has split into different worlds. There’s YouTube that Google wants to exist, where YouTubers like Dan Howell, Rhett and Link, Hannah Hart, and David Dobrik can safely and responsibly mingle with brands and fans. And then there’s the YouTube that isn’t present at VidCon — the YouTube where creators like Jake Paul announce dubious marriages to other creators like Tana Mongeau, the YouTube where Jake’s brother Logan tases dead rats and attends flat Earth conventions, the YouTube where Shane Dawson accuses Chuck E. Cheese’s of reselling used pizza slices.

“They’re sending YouTubers that have lots of dead channels. They’re bringing in fidget spinners.” 

The YouTubers people care about can’t be invited because they’re all out of control. And the safer creators they did invite are all traumatized. Daniel Keem, the massive influencer vlogger behind the 5 million-subscriber-strong YouTube gossip channel DramaAlert, spent the week around VidCon derisively tweeting about how irrelevant the conference is now.

“When VidCon sends its YouTubers, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending YouTubers that have lots of dead channels. They’re bringing in fidget spinners. They’re bringing in Hoverboards. They’re randoms,” Keem tweeted.

“These vidcon pics all over twitter have the same people that were cool in 2013 & 100% irrelevant now,” he went on to tweet. “Its the same people every year! VIDCON DOES NOT REP THE ACTUAL STARS OF THE PLATFORM!”

VidCon’s relationship with YouTube’s bigger, more unruly stars is complicated to say the least. In 2017, Logan Paul hid $3,000 around VidCon and turned the convention center into an almost-riot as fans scrambled to find the cash.

Last year, Tana Mongeau wasn’t invited as a featured creator and, feeling snubbed, decided to throw her own convention at a nearby hotel. It was an incredible failure. “TanaCon was the scariest and the worst experience of my life,” one fan told BuzzFeed News at the time.

The big YouTubers who did attend VidCon this year seemed more interested in probing the darkness of YouTube fame than celebrating a decade of it. Elle Mills, a YouTuber who had to take a break from the platform last year due to burnout after crossing 1 million subscribers, was especially candid about the pressures of online fame.

“Growing up I never had mental health problems, but last year on tour I had my first panic attack,” Mills said. “I couldn’t make another video without addressing it. I couldn’t just fake a smile.”

Onstage next to her was Dan Howell, a veteran YouTuber, who also took a yearlong hiatus before he recently returned with a video where he came out as gay. Howell spoke about how trapped he felt as a YouTube creator, churning out videos and unable to properly deal with his mental health.

“When you’re constantly being a YouTuber, you’re expected to keep doing things,” Howell said. “It’s like I couldn’t grow or change behind the scenes.”

Jerod Harris / Getty Images

What’s shining the brightest light on how tired both YouTube and YouTubers feel this year is VidCon’s hottest new thing: TikTok.

The short-form video platform, owned by Beijing-based artificial intelligence company ByteDance, has completely cannibalized VidCon this year. The app is responsible for both the rapper Lil Nas X’s record-shattering “Old Town Road,” as well as a record-shattering $5.7 million fine from the Federal Trade Commission over allegations that it illegally collected personal information from children under the age of 13.

TikTok has also been accused of facilitating sexual predation and exploitation. BuzzFeed News recently reported on a group of young users who created an ad hoc system of screenshot leaks and callout videos in an effort to out abusers and predators on the platform on their own terms.

Meaningful scandals and fines aside, TikTok was omnipresent at VidCon. The outside pavilion of the convention center quickly devolved into a TikTok playground, as tweens and teens recorded short videos with each other. There was a TikTok twin meetup. One kid with 6 million followers duct-taped a pair of sheet cakes to his feet to make a “walk a mile in these Louboutins” meme. At one point, a huge pack of 13-year-old girls chased a boy wearing a face mask through the crowd. The girls told BuzzFeed News that it was Chase Hudson, a 17-year-old TikToker with 2.8 million followers.

“It’s ironic. It’s ironic and iconic.”

When asked if TikTok was cooler than YouTube, though, the girls chasing Hudson said they didn’t see it as anything similar to YouTube.

“It’s ironic. It’s ironic and iconic,” one girl told BuzzFeed News. “It’s like a meme right now.”

Another group of 16-year-olds later in the day were complaining about how many TikTokers were at VidCon. “I guess that’s our future,” one girl said.

When asked the same question about which video platform is cooler, a 16-year-old told BuzzFeed News, “It’s cringey. What can you do with it?”

Ironic and cringey or not, there does seem to be a changing of the guard happening, and nowhere was this generational shift more evident than at the parties Thursday night. YouTube threw a huge, well-organized bash, complete with multiple open bars and hot dog, chicken finger, and taco stations. Guests walked to the dance floor through a tunnel displaying the platform’s greatest hits, like Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and the Cut’s “100 Years of Beauty.”

By contrast, TikTok’s extremely sought-after and secretive party was thrown at a bowling alley in a shopping center around the corner. Hundreds of teens jockeyed for a spot in line amid a fog of phone cameras and Juul smoke. It appeared to be already over capacity by the time it was officially supposed to be begin. Antsy kids in line watched TikToks the guests inside were posting. The same Instagram-famous Pomeranian from Wednesday night was there, this time in white sunglasses and a little sweater.

“YouTube is not going to fade away.”

And it’s not just the parties. TikTok’s panels Thursday were almost all standing room only. In a morning presentation about how to use TikTok to promote your brand, Andrea Okeke, a TikToker with 3 million followers who goes by DreaKnowsBest, chatted with Candice Beck, Chipotle’s senior manager of social and digital, about how much fun it was promoting Chipotle on her channel.

“Your audience will know if you’re promoting something you don’t use,” Okeke said. “I’m not going to promote something I don’t believe in.”

Beck gushed over how much success Chipotle has had recently on TikTok. The restaurant chain only has 18,000 followers at the moment, but it successfully activated a popular TikTok trend called the #ChipotleLidFlipChallenge.

VidCon’s CEO, Louderback, said that when it comes to which platforms get priority each year, he thinks of the conference as Switzerland. “YouTube is not going to fade away,” he said. “But I like that we have more choice on different platforms.”

TikTok’s general manager, Vanessa Pappas, took to one of the main stages later in the day to promote TikTok as both authentic and diverse — the unspoken conclusion is that these are two things YouTube is currently not.

“It just has a different aesthetic to anything else that’s out there,” Pappas said. “Every video is given a chance to succeed.”

Pappas stressed TikTok’s immersive “For You” page algorithm and how easy it is for users to participate in the app’s constantly updating trends and challenges.

“For the top creators for TikTok, the content that really performs well is being digitally native and real,” she said.

“I’m just so thankful I’m not sleeping in a treehouse anymore.”

For all the hype, TikTok remains its own conundrum. It is optimized for engagement; it learns what you like and delivers an endless stream of similar videos, often to very young audiences. TikTok’s last event of the day was a conversation with six of the app’s biggest stars — who looked like something closer to characters from The Fifth Element than your typical clean-cut vlogger — on one of VidCon’s largest stages. The crowd was outrageously young. The only people in the audience who looked like they were older than 14 were the parent chaperones.

“Just do what you love,” Lauren Godwin, a 19-year-old TikToker with 14 million fans told the audience. “Just find your niche on there.”

Another TikToker onstage, 23-year-old Chris Kerr Rio, makes videos with his 24-year-old girlfriend Sharla May under the name Our Fire, an account that has 4.9 million followers. Rio told a story about how before he became popular on the app, he had been kicked out of his house and living in May’s treehouse.

“I’m just so thankful I’m not sleeping in a treehouse anymore,” he said.

Jerod Harris / Getty Images

More 2019 VidCon attendees.

As TikTok’s legion of users energetically swarmed the convention outside, YouTube’s chief product officer, Neal Mohan, delivered a keynote announcing new monetization features for creators, like membership levels, new partners for YouTube’s merchandise program, and super stickers inside of super chat — features that won’t address the distress YouTubers spent the day agonizing over.

“I didn’t know I started a hate platform.”

At that early-morning panel on how online video communities have changed over the years, Tay Zonday, an early YouTuber famous for the “Chocolate Rain” song, railed against what he called YouTube’s disingenuous laissez-faire attitude. “All of these platforms try and avoid any sense of personal accountability,” Zonday said.

Fellow panelist Lindsay Ellis agreed, “This drives me crazy like, ‘oh no we don’t need human moderators, we need better automation.’”

“‘I didn’t know I started a hate platform,’” another panelist, veteran YouTuber Jarvis Johnson said. “That’s no longer an excuse.”

As the creators bewailed the damage on YouTube, teen TikTokers ran around outside, uploading more videos, innocently goofing around on an app they don’t have to worry about. For now.

CORRECTION

Jul. 12, 2019, at 21:34 PM

Lauren Godwin’s and Neal Mohan’s names were misspelled in an earlier version of this post.

Sahred From Source link Technology

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[rowanfoster]

{ haley lu richardson ♔ twenty-three ♔ she/her } well, well, well if it isn’t rowan foster running around peach hollow. legend has it, she comes from tangerine towers and has lived here her entire life. if you’re wondering what she’s been up to, i hear she’s a make up artist / freelance musician for a living. she has been known to be impulsive yet insightful. a word of advice to her, always look over your shoulder. you never know who is watching.

why yes, it is i, admin kim, with another character that should’ve been kept in the drafts of my mind. if you’ve not met daysia or serenity, here’s a lil low down on me. i’m 26, i use she/her pronouns, and live on the east coast. i thrive on writing angst and my animal crossing villagers being happy. also caffeine. i luv chris klemens. most likely to have a mental breakdown on twitter. meet rowan! trigger warnings for mental illness, bipolar disorder specifically, and inpatient treatment

have a playlist and a pinterest board dedicated to her

rowan celeste foster was born may 27th, 1996. she’s the oldest of two, a baby sister coming to the scene in 1999.

her family is extremely close. they’ve been in peach hollow their whole lives. she grew up in a crowded house on blueberry boulevard, crammed in with her mother, father, sister, maternal grandmother and maternal grandfather. rowan never knew peace or privacy growing up – it just wasn’t possible with that many people which has really contributed to her somewhat isolated adulthood

her mother is a charge nurse at peach hollow general, working on the emergency room floor. her father is a retired car salesman. her grandparents moved into the house when her sister was born in order to help take care of the girls while their parents worked full time. rowan is especially grateful for their care, because she feels like she’d be a little more sour had she been raised by absent parents.

growing up, she shared a room with her younger sister. they told each other everything because they had no choice not to. they both developed an interest in make up and music at very young ages, but rowan particularly took to those things while maci took more interest in sports. when rowan was gifted her first ukulele at age 6, maci got her first basketball. they are polar opposites, but maci was the only person rowan really confided in as a child and an adolescent.

she’d always been rather moody. tantrums and fits were nearly unavoidable. her self esteem lacked before she even had a chance to develop any confidence. she was always the try hard, the girl who stood out because she was just a little different, the emotional one, the one the other kids didn’t want to mess with, not because she’d fight back, but because she would absolutely lose it. there were countless times where rowan ended up in the guidance counselor’s office, waiting on her grandmother to show up and bring her home. that was the beginning of their problems.

her mental health really started to decline in her mid teenage years. she spent hours upon hours in her room, writing songs, playing guitar, practicing make up looks – she’d go days without sleeping and snap at anyone who crossed her path. she got into screaming matches with everyone in the house, only to find herself crying in her bed for the next few days. she started missing days at a time from school, while her artistry thrive, the rest of her crumbled. her grades, all of it.

eventually, this resulted in her parents yanking her out of peach hollow high and putting her in counseling, which lead her to a psychiatrist and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at the age of 17. while it made sense, she dreaded taking the medications. they numbed everything. her writing suffered, and while her moods weren’t swinging from the trees anymore, she feared that this empty feeling was worse.

she finished her high school diploma in homeschooling with her grandmother while maci went on to thrive in school. the attention shifted to her, and rowan couldn’t really blame them. she turned 18 and started performing in clubs, bars, and anywhere she could get in. ps her voice is a mix of bishop briggs & mary lambert. the thrill of performing to small crowds sucked her in. she began to gain an even smaller following on social media, mainly the locals following her. every once in a while she’ll book a show in atlanta and she’ll make the long drive just to sing in front of a bit of a larger crowd. she’ll gain a few followers from those shows, but this still isn’t her main source of income.

most of her money comes from the make up artistry she does through pop of peach. she doesn’t go in every day, but when someone has an event scheduled or needs their make up done for a dance or something, she’s there. she tries to spread things out bc she’s always late lmao and finds it hard to stick to a schedule

she was doing so well for a few years, even moved out of her parents’ house and into an apartment at the towers. that’s where she really found herself, made some real friends and built relationships that were good for her. however, she missed a few doctor’s appointments and was discharged from her psychiatrist’s office. she went off meds, and for a few weeks it was fine. when she ran out of meds, the next few weeks were okay as well. it was when every single drop of medication had drained from her body that things got bad.

rowan was missing appointments she scheduled at pop of peach. she was spending far too much time out at nights, giving in to alcohol for the most part. she tried not to touch any drugs, but drinking became a nightly thing. she’d perform, then spend the rest of the night partying with whoever she could find at the venue.

one night in atlanta after a particularly shaky performance, rowan found herself in a dark place and simply went into the women’s bathroom to calm down, but police say they found her laying flat on the ground, refusing to respond to anyone. she vaguely remembers the end of the manic episode, but it did land her in the emergency room for a change in mental status.

much to her chagrin, they admitted her overnight before transporting her to skyland trail, a mental health facility in atlanta. she spend about two and a half months there getting medications regulated and learning new coping mechanisms. she was discharged about two weeks ago and finally made it back to peach hollow and her apartment.

she’d lead everyone other than her family and maybe one or two other people that she was away on a musician’s retreat, but really, was in inpatient treatment.

she’s currently working full time as a make up artist at pop of peach and performing when she can, but doesn’t really go outside of peach hollow

fun facts & personality

rowan despises small talk. conversations about the weather or political climate don’t stimulate her and she gets snarky pretty easily. it isn’t that she wants to come off rude or unapproachable, but nine times out of ten, small talk is fake and she feels as though she doesn’t have the time or energy to indulge in it. ask her about the sky or some shit. she won’t shut up

she has a tendency to overshare,  aside from what’s been going on in the past few months. her lips are sealed tight about that. however, she’s open to talking about her mental health and is a big advocate for erasing the stigma. this makes rowan a very good listener and a huge supportive presence for anyone struggling. she’s the mom friend, and no matter what time of day or night, if someone says they need an ear, she’ll go to them. she knows what it’s like to be alone.

despite her past and her demons, rowan finds a way to put on a smile. it might often be snarky or sarcastic, but rarely is it insincere. she’s an empath and feels everything so very deeply, but can easily put it away when necessarily.

her apartment is her safe haven. she rarely has company. it isn’t really her thing. she prefers to go to other people’s places. she has her record collection proudly displayed on her living room wall, all the plants you can imagine, incense burning whenever she’s home, and a scottish fold munchkin cat named loonette after her favorite childhood tv show, the big comfy couch. she has hopes to get another cat named molly to match. you know, because we’re all clowns !

she takes great pride in her instagram. it sounds superficial, but often times, rowan will post a good picture and then link to her next show in hopes that somebody will come based on that. while she does have a passion for make up and a second instagram for it, ultimately, she’d like for there to come a time where she can live solely on the money she makes through music

catch her driving her old ass ford focus blaring 00s alternative, mainly fuckin paramore bc she’s heart eyes for hayley williams

wanted connections if ya made it this far!!!!

childhood friends – those who she’s known since elementary school. they’ve most likely watched her go through her many trials and tribulations in class. these could be acquaintances, close friends, or even a ride or die or two.

bullies – people who fucked with her through school. it’s essential that they’re on bad terms currently, but perhaps an enemy turned friend or romantic could be fun??

group therapy pal – this would be super fun and might entail the person finding out about her secret…. msg me for deets

exes – there will be a couple of these, gender does not matter. i’d like to find one that she was dating when she went into treatment and maybe hasn’t seen/spoken to them since they’ve been back, first love, high school sweetheart?? omg possibilities are endless

flirtationship – self explanatory, gender doesn’t matter she’s pan

any other ideas literally lmk!! thanks for reading ♥

[fireinmyspine]

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