Better Odds
(a thirty-eight minutes episode tag. also on AO3)
"Major."
McKay's found John in the room he's been told is his office, his bright blue eyes flicking nervously between John's neck and his face. John resists the urge to rub his fingers across the still-tender tissue: he knows it's going to scar, but he's also pretty sure McKay's not seeing John's skin—he's seeing the bug, seeing thick black legs wrapped around John's throat.
He's probably hearing the way John'd screamed, every time they tried something new to take it off. Every time he tried something to take it off, because despite the obvious, unvarnished terror, he'd been right by John's side with Teyla and Ford the whole time, trying to free him. John knows what it's like to hear screams in your head, screams you'd caused, and it doesn’t matter much whether you’d been trying to help or harm. This isn't what he'd hoped for, when he asked McKay to join his team, but it's what they've got, and John likes to think he’s a realist.
"What can I do for you?" John asks, slouching back in his chair.
McKay's mouth twitches into something that seems like it's trying to be a smile, and he steps into the room, looking around in a way that's sort of distractedly nonchalant. There's not much to see, though, and after a moment he seems to deflate, throwing himself down onto the chair opposite John's desk—John had actually tried to avoid getting a second chair in here, on the hope that it would prevent anyone from staying long, but Elizabeth had very pointedly brought and then left her own, the second time she'd come to see him.
"I, um, I just wanted to say, well," McKay starts, winding up to his point with meaningless filler words in a way that John, for some reason, seems to find charming rather than grating, "it was, uh, a very…elucidating experience, spending time on a gate team, but, I, I, I don't feel I'm particularly cut out for the," and there's a pause, accompanied by an expansive hand gesture, "the mortal peril under crushing time constraints, and all that."
"You're saying you want off the team?" John asks. He'd wondered if this would happen, once the adrenaline of the danger and the satisfaction of the rescue wore off. Doesn't mean he's gonna take it lying down, though.
"Yes," McKay says, nodding. "Glad you understand."
"Thing is," John says, letting his voice flatten into its slowest drawl, "I don't think we'd've made it if you weren't there."
McKay's eyes widen, briefly, confirming John's suspicions that this is a man who's unaccustomed to appreciation freely given. His chin comes up, then, posture straightening into his already-familiar blustering stance. "Well, of course. That much is obvious."
"Well," John replies, tilting his head, "see, I kind of wanna keep staying alive.”
"So do I," McKay says, quickly. "That's why I'd rather, you know…stay here." His hands flex around nothing, his eyes drifting again and again to the side of John's neck.
John wets his lips, tries to figure out how to play this. "I obviously can't, and won't, force you to stay on the team."
McKay blinks, narrowing his eyes. "But?"
"Our odds're better with you there." John shrugs. "I like better odds."
McKay's breathing picks up, his eyes wide, a little bit unfocused. John knows he's back in that jumper with a ticking clock on his back. Knows there's nothing to do but wait and see which way this goes.
"What if…" McKay's voice is quiet, thin, and he's looking determinedly at the floor. "What if I—I mean, I'm good, I'm—I'm very good, I'm the best, actually, I know that, but—" his tone has gone manic, now, and he raises his face, his eyes pinning John like wide-open sky, above the cloud line. "What if I can't?"
McKay snaps his mouth shut, takes several panicked-sounding breaths through his nose, and then looks away, voice settling into that near-whisper once more when he continues: "Save everyone, I mean. Next time."
John’s stomach churns. He thinks, not for the first time, not even for the first time today, that they’ve brought a bunch of scientists into a goddamn war zone. It’s not fair. None of this is fair. He touches the side of his neck, tries to tamp down the shudder.
“You can’t always save everyone,” John says, because McKay deserves the truth, and because John needs to know if he really is the type of man John thinks he is. “You just…do the best you can, because the only other option is to do nothing.”
“God,” McKay blows out a breath, shaking his head. “I thought you’d lie to me, give me some platitude I could shout down with statistics, but…”
“I’m not much for platitudes,” John says, honestly. “And you’re not stupid.”
McKay’s mouth quirks just a bit at that, and he gives John a careful, curious look. “No, I’m not, and I’m beginning to suspect that you’re not, either.”
John smiles, puts in the effort of biting back a smart-ass retort.
McKay stands, palms on his thighs. “Alright, fine. I’ll stay on your team.” He blinks several times, looking at John’s face, then his neck. His crooked mouth tilts down at one corner. “Better I’m out there than back here, if…if something happens.”
“Good,” John says, meaning it. “You, me, Ford, Teyla—I like our odds.”
“I was never much of a gambler,” McKay mumbles, as though he’s talking to himself. Then he looks up, eyes bright, sarcastic smile twisting his lips. “Guess it’s new galaxy, new me.”
“That’s my plan,” John says, because he’s trying, really, not to be such a fuckup this go around. McKay gives him a little half-wave, then spins on his heel and beats it out of John’s office. John waits a count of ten, then lets himself grin, relieved, and deletes the still-blank list he’d been making of possible scientists to join his team.
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Thirty-eight Minutes (SGA S1:E3)
I've been thinking about just randomly rewatching this one, but hadn't gotten to it. I love the big problem, big problem writing. I love getting Radek finally. But the weird part was I started crying when Sheppard died for just a few minutes. Like I know he's not dead. But in light of episodes like Remnants and Vegas, I just started crying. I'm crying for the burdened man he will become, not the man he is right now.
Also, his scream when the try to get the bug off is chilling.
Also, also, Elizabeth gives Ford's hand a squeeze in passing as they unload him off the puddle jumper. This woman tending her people and her home is making her quickly one of my favorite female characters. She's just so loving.
Also, also, also this is the first Team episode with Teyla, Ford, and McKay, meaning this is who Sheppard picked. I think McKay stepping into the shadow to save everyone earned lots of respect from Sheppard, so he picked Rodney for his team out of all the other scientists. And man, the worry and relief on Rodney's face as they try to bring Sheppard back is just heart-wrenching.
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