#this anon: here are names of stories behind paywalls...look it up

[jlf23tumble]

"but go on and send me some links to 'big' and real pubs that are somehow trashing louis" FITF review by Alim Kheraj, the Guardian. A Harry fan. Walls review by Ashley Bardhan, Pitchfork. A Harry fan. Walls review by Alexandra Pollard, Independent. A Harry fan. All these reviews counted towards the metacritic score.

[sadisim]

Coming full circle: 2 years later

I want to start off this post by saying that this is no tea, shade, drama, subpost or whatever other name you want to find for this. This is my most sincere and last message that I will post on my blog. This is why I want to apologize in advance for the ridiculous length of this and I want every reader to be considerate, understanding, open and as objective as they possibly can in this matter.

I will not tolerate any hate sent towards me or the person I am about to mention nor any curious anons asking to “spill the tea” or anything of that nature. If you have any questions my inbox is always open and you are free to directly message me to discuss further. ^_^ /)

Now that we got that out of the way... I will tell you all a little story about my relationship with Frankie (gruesim or simplyimaginarypeople, however you want to call her)

If any of y’all simblr veterans know me for a long time, you surely know I’ve been here for about 6 years or so. I joined this website when I was around 13 years of age, and naturally as any 13 year old I immediately looked up to people who were more talented than me. One of those very people was Frankie herself. I respected her highly, admired her for all her hard work, discipline, talent for meshing from the very beginning and I am extremely thankful to her for all the help she has offered me throughout the years. 

I wanted to be like her. I wanted to mesh and have something to give to Simblr. I wanted to become popular and cool and constantly compared myself to her. Like any teenager would when they admire someone older than them.

You can imagine I grew up with time and I became less and less of a child, maturing and forming my own opinions etc. But I was still pretty gullible and easy to fool back then. So I blindly trusted Frankie and supported her in everything she did, no matter what other people around me were telling me about her. Above all I considered her a friend. A very close one that is. But I am never sure what she considered me to be. I don’t blame her though, I was pretty stupid and annoying when she knew me back then so I don’t mind it at all. However I wish that she had explicitly told me instead. I was always supportive and I remember all of our chats ran dry most of the time with me constantly asking her how she’s doing, admiring and supporting her and her being very distant and cold. I remember at some point she mentioned she cares for me as a friend but I felt like at the time that she didn’t truly mean it.  I never knew if she were like this just with me or if she was like that with everyone. But she was absolutely impossible to approach on my end. At least that’s what a teenager me thought at that time. I can be completely wrong about this. And that’s fine.

Growing up more and more I came to terms with the fact that maybe she just disliked me for some reason I didn’t know. Maybe I was too young for her to be friends with, maybe we had a communication barrier of sorts. So I slowly drifted away…running from my problems instead of confronting her.

That was my biggest mistake and fault.

I wish I had the power then that I have now, to confront people directly and tell them how I feel with no filters or sugarcoating.

But back then sugarcoating was the safest form of escape for me. There is nothing sweeter than pretending everything is okay when it isn’t, just to get away from an uncomfortable situation. All of y’all socially anxious people definitely know what I mean by this.

Sugarcoating was my second and most fatal mistake of all within our relationship.

I fully assume my wrongdoings and past mistakes and I want to let you know that I have realized what I did not do right back then. If I could turn back time I would do something entirely different, but that’s not possible. We learn from our past, don’t we? That’s what  I’ve been slowly doing in the past few years. ^_^

My falling out with Frankie happened around two years ago. I had started a Patreon for my writing combined with some sims ( pose making, skin making etc )She was clearly not happy about it. She was one of the first people who disagreed with me on it. I appreciated her input and never told her that it bothered me so that she didn’t think that I was “one of those people” who ask for money for content so I just sugarcoated everything as I always did. I remember her saying that she “is not a fan of Patreon as long as it’s not against EA” which I 100% agree with, I never intended to lock cc behind a paywall. I would just release stuff later on, probably in 2-3 weeks’ time. However I remember very clearly that she stated how “it would be still exclusive and that it’s no longer a donation instead it’s buying”

I really didn’t like that she was saying those things to me, I remember feeling disappointed. So because I didn’t want to anger her because I really looked up to her and I feared we might fight, I took down my Patreon and got a Ko-fi instead. I’m extremely thankful to everyone who donated, it’s helped me lots! She seemed to be happy about Ko-fi and i was happy i could please her and solve the problem. I never knew why she hated Patreon so much, to me Ko fi was exactly identical to Patreon. Just another name for donations.

This was the first time that Frankie’s shot a bullet in the way I viewed her. At that time she was starting to gain a lot of influence in the community because of her hard work and dedication and she was leading a very public campaign against Patreon. She’s said some things back then which heavily contrast her current views on Patreon, donations or cc locked behind a temporary wall.

She’s said multiple times, publicly and privately how she “hates everything exclusive” but as years passed by I sometimes saw her on my dashboard, despite not following her on tumblr. I couldn’t help but notice how she seemed to me that she helps those very close to her only and seems to not bat an eye about patreon/timed exclusive content  to some people I’ve seen interacting with her– Listen, I know that this might come across as harsh or salty but I mentioned before that I don’t think she’s seen me as a friend. I was not part of her inner circle, nor did we have very deep talks about many things in particular. It just really hurt me to see this happening, while behind closed doors, two years ago she’d bashed me for wanting to make a patreon instead of just asking for donations (it was the same exact thing to me…)

While this subject is still up I’d like to mention the drama that took place a bit earlier this month. The whole hair thing. I have very hardly abstained from saying anything or intervening within the drama because i have biased opinions about her based on my past experience with her. So I didn’t want to come across as harsh, rude or disrespectful to her because of my feelings towards her and didn’t want to portray her in a biased light. The people who know, know what my opinion on the whole drama was. It’s unnecessary to tell you what I think about it since it’s no longer around. But I’d just want to say that for me it felt like all of her constant contradictions were falling apart and truth was starting to get to the surface. I felt like this situation was going to teach her a lesson, and I surely hope she’s learned. She’s not a horrible person. She’s never had malicious intent. I just think that she never really knew quite well how to handle social situations. This isn’t the first time Frankie’s taken a break from simblr. 

Perhaps her views have changed over the past few years. I know mine did a lot, so I don’t blame her if she no longer believes in the things she’s said before. People change all the time for the better or worse and it’s not something unusual. My problem here is that she’s never quite explained why she’s changed her opinions, nor did she justify her behaviour towards me at the time and other people involved who had the same experience with her. I just sort of wish that we had gotten some sort of apology, or an explanation from her after a while…anything would have made us happy. But she never did, so we moved on and kept on ignoring her, praying that we don’t ever have to interact again while watching her from afar doing things that were sort of questionable and didn’t rub us in the right way at all. But I kept silent because people support and love her, and I didn’t want to stir drama. It would have meant setting a hornet’s nest on fire and jumping right into it. Which is why I’ve never gone public about this in the first place. I just wanted to make sure that the heat of the drama was gone before i posted this. I felt like it would have been unfair to her to ‘attack’ her with this during the whole thing. 

The next time that I started getting off vibes from her was the whole Simscord thing. She joined us, I remember that clearly, she’d post in the sims 3 channel now and then but she would most of the time be in the help channel. She’d never ignore anyone and seemed to become some helper that everyone’s seen her as. So everyone went to her for help, which is what she’s always done for the community: help. It’s not easy work to help others solve their problems, which is why I respect her for it. However I don’t understand why she’s left Simscord and then proceeded to tell me she was ‘constantly ignored’ and ‘only seen as a helper’ by others. And then she proceeded to turn her blog into a help blog for every single question that every single anon needed but NEVER complained about how ignored she is or how she’s only seen as a helper then. She’s sort of criticised Simscord on multiple times before, very passively aggressively with comments like “Why does Simscord have exclusive tutorials? Isn’t that sucky for the people who don’t like joining public chats ?”  I eventually posted all the ‘exclusive tutorials’ a bit later that i wrote for Simscord onto my blog. they are still up and you can find them. This did not really make me happy when the whole SSFF thing started taking off and she did not admit that she was blocking access to cc from people who were too socially anxious to do any of the challenges. But we’ll get to that later. That’s just one of the things I can remember … again I’m saying this once more: she might have changed her view since then so I don’t blame her if she thinks differently. I just blame her past self for the way she’s acted in the whole thing. That’s all. It seemed to me that she’s never quite liked Simscord in the first place and kept trying to find ways to dismiss its usefulness. It’s always brought me down because us, the admins, were doing our best to keep Simscord alive, equal and fun to everyone whether they liked talking with us there or not. It felt like a blow to my self-esteem for the time and effort I’d put into Simscord as an admin. I know very well it’s not perfect and it can’t be. Admins are humans just like everyone. We can’t force people to act a certain way just because we want to.

 The next time we had a conflict it was “fatal” for your relationship. It was when we parted ways completely and haven’t spoken directly since. Here is where my biggest fault comes in: not confronting her and being straightforward about how she made me feel. She was angry with me because “I’d changed”. I was apparently “a different person” because I was starting to be myself more on my blog, stopping to sugarcoat things so much…I was trying my best to get out of my childish shell of agreeing with everyone just to avoid conflict and duck confrontation with people when we couldn’t agree. I remember receiving an anonymous message around that time from someone who told me that “I changed” . I was very saddened by the message, I remember I actually cried when I received it. I did not understand why that anonymous person saw me as ‘changed’. I was just being myself and trying to grow and shape and break free from the cute, innocent angel persona that I had created for myself. Sorta like Miley when she had that crazy post Disney phase lol. Im joking now but it’s for real. Then I connected that anon message to her and I am still suspecting today that it might have been her, or someone from her inner circle but then again i could be wrong about this. She had also told me clearly how she “talked to other people who confirmed my change.” I never knew who these people were. Why were they talking behind my back? Why were they not directly telling me into my face that “I changed” if they knew me so well? I highly doubt they knew me at all. Or perhaps there were no “other people”. Perhaps she had made that up just to add to her argument. I’ll never know.

 I supported her in the whole drama with The Together Store because I was still admiring her for her work and passion and I still refused to see the doubtful things that people were accusing her of doing. I remember very clearly how I messaged her when she announced her hiatus, supporting her and telling her I’m there for her, not even willing to listen to The Together Store’s side of the story (If any of you guys are reading this please reach out to me, I can’t remember your urls. I’d like to apologize personally!)   and she just told me that she doesn’t need my support, she’s not bullied and she doesn’t need help. That put a knife in my chest. I know she was just being angry in that moment. She eventually apologized for her harsh words but I never told her how they made me feel then. Another mistake on my end. I kept adding and adding to the idea of supporting her and she simply said that “she needs people to change the way they act”. I kept adding fuel to the conversation but it went nowhere. In one of the last messages from her I remember she explicitly told me that “It’s attitudes like mine that made her leave” and after that I could take no more blows. I knew then deep down my heart that I did not like her attitude but I decided to simply be nice, continue to wrongly sugarcoat the words I wanted to tell her, block her and move on. She was constantly adding in how she saw me as some sort of… Simblr Leader? I never understood what she meant by that. Never. “I don't respect the way you are handling your position as a community leader. Its been super sad to watch such a kind and sweet person get influenced by all this and I wish it were different”  - This is a direct quote from her. I have yet to understand what this all means today. I don’t know what “Influenced by all” means. I have no idea where she got the idea that I am or was a community leader by any means. Surely, I used to have much more influence two years ago. I had thousands of followers, talked to hundreds of people. But I was not a leader. I surely didn’t consider myself that way nor ever said i am one.

I know I handled the situation terribly. Yet again I take complete responsibility for my mistakes and I wish I could gather the courage to reach out to her instead. But we parted ways, by agreeing to disagree and moved on with our lives. I’ve been avoiding her from my dash actively by blocking her username and just stayed away as much as possible. I thought about it many times, to message her…to reach out and talk and be open about my mistakes. But I’ve always gotten a bit anxious the way she might understand this and respond. I know she’s had a distant tone when talking to me before and i did not want to get anxious. So i just hoped i’d get the chance to talk about this someday.

So in the years that came after that I watched her expand, grow and shape her simblr, her projects. She started becoming the very thing that she swore to destroy (very poetic but im making a reference to that one meme. Yall edgelords know what im talkin about). There was  SimblrSimplyForFun that pissed me off with the idea of exclusivity that she was so aggressive towards me about but she ended up doing herself- i remember people talking about how they don’t like the idea of challenges and interacting with others just to get ‘a treat’. She was even sent anonymous questions about this very matter: what are socially anxious people going to do? We can’t just interact with others like normal people. I don’t remember her exact response but I think it was something that brushed off the anon. Then came the drama with the hairs. It was the last drop for me. I wanted to let it all go. It’s been awful to hold this in for so long. She took it upon herself to change an entire community by implementing all these projects, which in idea are super fun and cool and really help connect people, but she was doing all the work by herself and kept on burdening herself with every challenge and piece of cc released. She had hundreds and hundreds of projects, videos, tutorials and cc released in the span of two years that were monstrously over encumbering her with so much responsibility to “change simblr” that she got swallowed in this dark pit of becoming a vessel for change and it ended up overwhelming her to the point where she left. That’s just how I see things from the outside. It doesn’t mean I’m right and you can contradict me on this, I’d gladly listen. She’s done so much for us all, a help that nobody else was willing to give and I am thankful for all her dedication and time spent doing these things. But reading her goodbye message made me realize how she’s seen Simblr more as a job than anything else. She was becoming the “leader” she was trying to enforce on me but it was no easy job. To me Simblr is fun, it’s a hobby. It’s somewhere I come to see creativity and catch up with old mutuals. Nothing more than that. If i can help people i definitely will, if it’s within my knowledge and free time. I don’t want my kindness/selflessness be seen as some sort of sacrifice i make as a “leader of the community”. That’s just my opinion. I feel like she really deserved a break and some time away to clear up her mind, relax and think. I hope she finds the peace she seeks!

I have stayed put form talking about this. As soon as the whole drama with the hairs got out I knew it was gonna be a big blow on her blog. I just didn’t want to add fuel to the fire and that’s why I am posting this only now.. I just wanted to tell my story that I kept in for two long years and that I’ve struggled to come to terms with until now. 

If you’re reading this Frankie, I’m sorry about the mistakes I made and that I didn’t tell you how I truly felt. It’s probably late, but it’s never too late to apologize for my behavior.

I understand people might not agree with me or my side of the story, that’s totally fine. I just wanted to clear things up because I have many people here I talk to that have asked me before why I don’t interact with Frankie or avoid her. I hope that this explanation is everything you need to clear things up ^_^ Anyone who I’ve personally hurt, attacked or wronged is free to unfollow me or block me away, that is totally fine and acceptable, or perhaps if you want to talk about things I’m always here to listen and discuss.

Ever since this thing happened it’s left me pretty bitter about making new friends here. Which is why I’ve just set a limit to myself to just remain ‘mutuals’ with many people and nothing more or less. It’s why I’ve been colder and colder with every year and refused to do many collabs or ships or whatever. I just have matured and grew up and I do not have much time anymore for any of these things. My IRL is full of problems that I am not willing to discuss here because they don’t concern anyone. I’ve come here just to tell my story and that’s the last personal post I’ll probably ever make on my blog.

Thankyou all for reading this extremely long post and bearing with me!

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Heya purge! I saw in one of your tags that you’d been consuming fic for around 20 years! That’s like my whole life. Mind telling us how things have changed? I’m sure places like ao3 have changed things a lot. I’m just really curious in fandom and fanfic culture! :3 x

Ao3 is a fucking godsend let me tell you. I won’t make a lot of the same points and stuff that fannish history folks have already documented (how it literally changed, and all the fic we’ve lost that isn’t backed up on floppy disk somewhere… I’d say we’ve lost an equivalent to the digital burning of alexandria honestly) but i can tell you my experience :3

I’ll stick it under a cut cuz i kind of rambled… but i had fun doing so ahahha xD sorry you unleashed the tiger from the cage xD

We all make jokes about ‘being there’ when stuff in fandom history happened, but i’ve been around since all the major purges (LOL my name is so fitting in retrospect ahahha). ff.net’s various purges (and the whole anne rice suing fanfic writers and shit… i never DID agree to their new terms of service haha), geocities sites going down, obviously the more recent shit too, but like I’ve been around even for the creations of certain, older fanfic sites too (one of the oldest slash forums for lord of the rings fics for example… I was there, Gandalf LOLOL!!… and now that i check the date on that i feel old as balls thanks anon xDDD and wow my one fic is still up there PFFFFT) but like, I come from an era where you took your floppy disk and copy/pasted shit from online (once it even loaded) for later reading, and also so you could find it again, because also before ff.net it was hard to find stuff. I’m pre-google ya’ll xD You dont UNDERSTAND the horrors of trying to find anything pre-google. Ya’ll have it so fucking good D:

There was never an abundance of content like there is today, and so you can bet your shit we were grateful as fuck for what was out there, let alone for someone with a decent command of writing and storytelling. Everyone commented on everything (once that was something even implemented… it was email lists before that, and comments sent in that way… i still have my e-mailed comments from fic readers haha), and it was (and still is, in my honest opinion because people entitled as FUCK now) one of the GREATEST faux paus you could do to be reading a fic (esp. multi-chaptered) and not comment. The indignity of not giving back a little (and it still is a little, which is why i get so damn fired up on this subject) for aaaaaaaall the words and story and everything you just read was a serious sin against fanfic writers. I still think its seriously fucked up not to comment (and again, i’ve mentioned that if you dont got the spoons, thats obviously different) but like, the entitlement that runs rampant today did not even exist back then. Yeah, you still had the assholes whose comment would literally consist only of “where’s the rest?” with ZERO actual thanks or input while expecting/thinking they deserve more (and THEN you could remove chapters or stories, cuz god giveth and damn does she taketh away xD), but it wasn’t nearly as prolific as it is today.

The commenting culture today and the backlash against writers wanting comments on their work in return for providing said free content makes me mad enough to wanna curb stomp some people. I’m a bartender, I don’t put up with shit HAHA xD But the entitlement especially now and people who act like writers are being uppity for wanting a small return on their craft are disgusting. Same type of entitlement as art thieves (we all know the type). We didn’t put up with that shit back then. People acting like little bitches wanting free stuff for literally nothing? We’d pull the whole fic. And the community would handle it and it usually turned into a teaching moment about how damn important it is to comment and just how much freaking control writers DO have over their media. We’d pull it from public view unless amends were made (whether that be a private note from someone entitled finally paying their fucking due with proper humility, or reaching a comment count when you had hundreds of people reading but not commenting). Damn i miss taking away fic xD We played hardball back then xD

That was the fucking worst and people were rightfully denied access to fic if hits didn’t coincide with comments. You could publish a chapter and then decide to remove it from view (either for editing, or hostage taking for comments…. which i miss dearly AHAHAH it forced people to learn to be proper commenters and interact with those whose media they were consuming). It’s a big part of what I miss because just like a proper community, people kept each other in check and made sure everyone played nice. You enjoyed a fic? You sure as hell let that writer know. Now though…. the entitlement drives me up the fucking absolute walls and makes me wanna put stuff behind a paywall sometimes…. everyone is lucky im lazy as shit tho AHAHAH and im usually fine after venting xD

But yeah, fanfic culture in general has shifted in a major way to constantly consume and NEVER give back, either in comments, or creating new content yourself to also add to the community (for example as i’m sure we’re all aware, like ALL the people who bitch about certain ships or ‘why ship this when you can ship THIS?’…. Like, instead of bitching that ‘WAH WAH this author doesnt WRITE the ship I LIKE why can’t they write THAT??’ people came up with the radical idea of CREATING the content they wanted to see :| And if weren’t that good of a writer/artist to do so? Well then you SUPPORTED the writers/artists you enjoyed by leaving comments on their shit OR getting a commission… Goddamn i remember when even ‘commissioning’ people was a wild concept… Ya’ll dont know ahahah xD

I do believe that this is a huge source of where Anti-shipper behavior has stemmed from; entitlement gone berserk. And public schools and shit are still largely full of my parents’ generation who were not computer-literate either in function or courtesy, so even as internet social skills are not being taught correctly (or safety; they scared the SHIT out of us back in the day and now everyone has all their shit and pictures online haha) so there’s also a huge disconnect socially which i think has impacted online fandom spaces and what is considered acceptable or not. People also turn into fucking swine when they think they’re anonymous online (and boy do they change their tune fucking quickly when you out them) and i think the whole anonymity thing is also a factor of this whole entitlement issue in fandom spaces; making demands without giving ANYTHING back. Like I’ve mentioned in the past, I don’t put up with that shit, and it’s not a coincidence I was going to work for the CIA after I just left Japan about 3yrs back (thank fuck I didn’t cuz FUUUUCK this administration) cuz people are dumb as shit and basic tracking skills to call someone out on their bullshit has been my bread and butter since i was like 12 haha. You act dishonest and entitled, and it’s gonna come back to you in some shape or form. You’re going to reap what you sow. That was the motto back then and I still believe in it today.

Hell, it has shocked the FUCK out of me the few times i’ve had people tell me ‘omg me and my friend were talking about your latest update!’ and i’m just like O_O????? because also back in the day, ‘fanfiction’ was kind of a taboo word. You never said you were into fanfic in mixed company. You more or less NEVER discussed it publicly (I’m not even talking dirty stuff, just normal, sfw fanfiction) because it primarily existed only online (for me; i’m post-fan magazines but pre-internet fanfic sites LOLOL). Hell, I got my college english professor into fanfiction. She didn’t even know what it was, let alone that something like that existed, and I had to explain it to her my first year of college kind of with a red face xD She was a writing-professor too so like, let that date the culture a bit. Like, if that was literally her major field of expertise and she didn’t know about it, that should tell you how not-mainstream fanfic was.

I’m kind of out of touch with that myself. Do kids (ya’ll are kids to me okay? xD) mention fanfiction as a reading/entertainment medium in normal conversation? Like, you could mention, without getting weird looks, ‘oh i enjoy reading fanfiction’ or (and i’m like internally gasping at the idea here) being able to say ‘yeah i enjoy writing fanfiction’? Is that a thing? I sure as hell don’t tell my peers that I write fanfic, let alone that i’m approaching 1million words for borderlands stuff alone AHAHAH It’s STILL taboo and seen as a lesser writing medium to folks my age. If you weren’t in a ‘geek’ circle (and i mean, i had friends who played D&D at lunch, and one friend who we mentioned fanfic together with) then culturally, as an art form, it wasn’t acceptable to discuss. Like, i’m STILL in that mindset that fanfic is not something to be discussed off the internet with people and it makes me very very uncomfortable to do so unless i know 100% I can speak discretely with someone. That’s what the offline culture was. I know its way different in some respects, like me and my youngest sister are 10yrs apart and her experiences with fandom are wildly different, but the idea of people actually talking about someone’s fic together with friends absolutely blows my fucking mind.

So, it’s changed in good ways too xD I just fucking HATE people who think they’re entitled to never comment or give back to the community sooooo i tend to get stuck on that issue, ESPECIALLY, again, as a writer approaching 1million words. *salute* doing my duty to the fandom community LOLOL or polluting the fandom community if you’re an anti AHAHAH antis can suck my entire ass and i’ll go on to put another million words of what they HATE into the world and they cant stop me ;3 spite is a fabulous motivator xD

The tools back then were a lot more crude, abilities and functionality was limited (but also better in some ways; moving fic to the ‘backroom’ so to speak), and even finding stuff was hard and relied on the hushed whispers of friends, but damn the community was better. So much better. So much more positive and accountability made people decent. So like, I do LOVE a lot of what we have now, but we have lost SO much. Both in terms of content and sense of community. I wish people would put more positivity into the content they’re consuming and lift up others. It’s why i try my damnedest to leave commenting tags on EVERY SINGLE THING i ever reblog here, because i *know* firsthand how much it means. To scream your art into the silence and only get the equivalent of stares back is maddening.

So yeah. Stuff has changed. Capitalism and censorship are running especially rampant hand-in-hand right now, and lord forbid we come full circle where there are no more places for us. I mean, if we have to go back to email lists, hell I’m already ready and an old veteran to that system anyhow. I’d miss all the content we all have access to…. but then there’s also that 90% commenting rate you get with that kind of system so HEEEEEY let it all fall down! bahahah xD