#this drawing gave me so much grief i cant look @ it anymor

[critai]

9

[frecklystars]

feels absolutely fucking devastating that i cant look at TF without getting nauseous. i tried to draw starscream giving me a hug bc i miss him and i need him but i couldnt make it past 5 minutes without getting sick. i cant do it. i cant fucking do it. i hate my abuser for what she did to me, i hate that she took my joy from me. i spend all this time loving all over ryan's/margot's characters but then i get hit with this fucking empty numb stab to the chest when i remember what i lost. i spent 3 years thinking about TF nonstop so of course my brain is automatically remembering TF because it's used to receiving serotonin from that -- but now when TF pops into my head, it's like, i get that sick feeling, this ache in my core that's like... i lost something that helped me stay alive and i feel aimless without it. i love ken but he isnt starscream. i love six but he isnt bee. i love seb but he isn't fixit.

well it really isn't my birthday unless if i'm having a fucking breakdown right. i wasn't supposed to live this year. i say that every year, but this was such a bad fucking year, this was the worst year of my life and it just keeps fucking going. i cannot put into words how much of your own life trauma takes from you. it's the only thing your brain can think about and you're even hurting when you're asleep. i attempted to take my life so many times and someone i trusted used that against me, took advantage of my vulnerability and turned my only comfort characters against me. im bitter and im depressed and i just want that part of myself back but it just feels so hopeless

there was nothing that comforted me the way TF did, the cameos i bought, the comics i made, the animatics i planned, the playlists with hundreds of songs that i can no longer listen to. the endless amounts of shows and movies i could have spent time enjoying. fuck, if i didn't meet my abuser, i'd be enjoying earthspark. i've heard that stsc is treated with respect there, that his abuse is taken seriously. and he's voiced. by steve. blum. and i would have loved it. i would have wept for it. i would have made so much art. that was MY JOY that was fucking ROBBED from me. steve blum told me with his own voice in his own words looking into my eyes, keri i hope you enjoy earthspark, im excited for you to see starscream. and i. cant.

it's horrifying when my therapist tells me that my reaction to TF isnt just a c-ptsd trigger response but it's also a grief response. that im grieving this Thing because it's so ruined. and it's not just TF that i lost, it's... the experiences, like, what the hell dude i met steve blum after two years of buying so many personalized voice clips from him. that man held me in his arms and squeezed me so tight and he acted like he was as excited to meet me as i was to meet him. he recognized my name written on that envelope i gave to him, and was so overjoyed to meet his "little starflower". that was the best moment of my life and now i look back on it and i just cry about it bc i feel nothing. im so numb to everything related to TF and the voice actors. i've spent hours chatting back and forth with the voice actor for fixit... i have so many cameos and messages/chats where he was so kind to me and we'd talk about anything and everything. i have so many cameos from so many different TF voice actors, instant messages, shoutouts. and when i replay the voice clips of the characters saying "i love you" to me, to me, personalized with my name, it's like i'm hearing them but i'm not internalizing them. like the love the characters have for me is hitting an invisible forcefield and it won't reach me anymore. it's like all of the time i spent loving and being loved by these characters meant jack shit. i had special experiences with real people! with real voice actors!! i had!!! conversations!!! ive had my artwork held in these peoples hands!!!! my art is on steve blum's desk!!!! his agent promoted my artwork on instagram three separate times before he put it on all of his websites and i can't be happy about that anymore. i'm trying! i'm trying!! but i feel nothing! it's not like i want to feel this way!

and im bitter about it. i was mistreated for so long, and when i was offline, unable to defend myself, my abuser spread rumors about me to artists that i had never even met. our friends in our inner circle blocked me when i was hurting and i hadn't even spoken to them in months, and when i asked why i was suddenly unable to chat with them, she said "don't worry about it." she spent MONTHS trying to tarnish my name despite the fact that i cut ties with her way back in the beginning of the year. i remember the time she told me over the phone "i'm getting attached to you... it's not good. that's going to be a problem for you." and i didn't know what she meant at the time but god that was my 50 billionth red flag that i overlooked. she told me repeatedly that she hurts people. i almost thought she was bragging about it, she wore her misery like a badge. i just kept taking excuse after excuse after excuse until this person killed the core part of myself. i had no strength to fight back. i hate myself for putting up with all of her shitty behavior. i sometimes wish i never ever got into TF at all in the first place, so i'd never meet her, so i'd never know all of the f/os that i lost

barbie at least breathed a little bit of life back into me but i still have days where i feel like a zombie. im just a dead body feeling like my heart was ripped out of me and im supposed to just go through the fucking motions as if nothing happened? as if someone didnt spend over a year hurting me on purpose every chance she got? and i spent the whole day today trying so so so hard to enjoy my birthday, but i had ptsd flashbacks at work. i still have nightmares about my f/os physically hurting me and saying that they're doing it for my abuser. sometimes i have nightmares about ken hurting me, the dream starts off really soft but then suddenly my abuser will show up and it's as if he's under a spell, and he snaps into some entirely different person, fists raised and he becomes a monster. i've never associated my abuser with any of ryan's characters but! im just traumatized! i guess!!!

i didnt start to enjoy my bday today until i sat down to watch the barbie movie with one of my friends. but once that ended i saw that inbox message of someone loving starscream so much and it made me so nauseous. i miss him. i had something so fucking special and it's ruined and i just want it back. im never getting it back. "this is not a temporary love" was just a big fucking joke. my saving starlight AU, all of the years i've spent working on my stories and my universes, everything i've done, all of it was so pointless. it's so painful to look at a comfort character and to flinch, to immediately think that they'd have no greater joy than to betray me the way my abuser did. she would go into such explicit detail about the vile, disgusting things they would do, the most atrocious unspeakable things, and i can't shake that out of my head. i keep holding onto blind hope that i can heal from it but it feels hopeless

i can only afford therapy once a month now, i can't afford my meds, i'm never going to have parents or siblings who will love me. i wasn't supposed to live to see my bday this year and i am so fucking angry that none of my attempts worked. there's one attempt that was so close and i think about it at least once every few days, how i'd surely succeed if i tried one more time. and that scares me!!! i don't want to think like that!!!! i want to get better damn it!!!! i'm so sick of feeling so goddamn bad!!!! but i've never had self shipping be ruined for me like that, i've never had comfort characters be ruined for me, i've never had a special interest be turned into a trigger and used against me. i've never been betrayed by someone i trusted like that.

i am grateful for barbie/ken/six/etc but god it's not enough. it's not starscream, it's not bee, it's not what i had before. it's not the same. and when this hyperfixation fades i'm going to go back to feeling nothing, and i'm so terrified of that. i don't want to go back to crawling and begging to feel something again. i'm shocked this hyperfixation has lasted longer than 2 months. i don't want to lose it, i'm so scared of when i'll lose it and when i'll be completely empty again.

i am so broken it's like someone spent over a year stabbing me with a dull knife and then cutting me off from a handful of my friends, kicking me into the dirt and everyone expects me to just get up and brush it off. and i feel like people don't understand this feeling unless if they've experienced abuse/ptsd as well. it feels like my bday every year gets worse and worse and if i'm going to feel this fucking bad i wish that something inside of me would finally just kill me. i'm sick of being so heartbroken and if things can't get better then i really just want it all to be over. i dont care whats in the afterlife, if there's something or if there's nothing, anything is better than this constant misery eating me up

[saturnsstufff]

The Blade and The Crow

warnings: mentions of death

   Immortals are painted so delicately high in stories. Each brush stroke gently and precisely placed, placed without flaw. Immortal's either see Mortal's as a soft malleable child, open and willing to learn, yet desperately in need of guidance. Or they see them as fools, not cautious enough with their limited time.

   When the Angel Of Death saw Mortal's he saw them as pure Fools. Too stupid and naïve in the understanding of God's, and Immortals. What made him turn his nose up the most however was their lacking in interest. They didn't want to learn, or understand the unnatural order. Mortals shunned the forbidden knowledge, to Phil- someone who loved to learn, someone who soaked information up seamlessly, he couldn't understand their uninterest.

   Philza was young however, he was still new to this... power. No matter how long Immortals live their is always a beginning. A start to their story, a single hushed word, maybe written, thought, or spoken, sometimes even screamed, whether gloriously or in sin. sometimes their beginnings aren't wrote or even spoke of, sometimes they are painted, mostly because words cannot begin to explain.

   When Phil started becoming Devine, he honestly didn't think much about it, frankly he didn't even understand it was happening. He was a teen, young, a bit of a lady killer if you asked around, but entirely he was kind and quite generous. His parents focused on raising a kind son, the type any girl could bring hoe to her parents and be proud of. Truthfully, between his never ending manners and his strive for hard work, it was hard to not be proud of him, or at least acknowledge he was striving for the stars. 

   Phil's story started Hushed, soft, gentle even. Like a slow morning. The sun slowly leaving it's hidden spot. Shining and blossoming out to something much larger, sometimes more threatening. Just like that Sunrise, no matter how small and frail he was, by the end of eons Phil would become something more threatening, and terrifying. Some wouldn't even know he was born a child, for every story and legend taken down described him as a immortal elder who flew trough eons as a blood thirsty, torn man.

   However, about his teens he started to notice his aging slowing down dramatically. His mother would always play it off as having a young baby face. The common thing any mother would tell her child. “Oh it’s just your youth showing, no need to worry”, “It’s just a baby face, your father had it too” all things he was told. He believed it too, after all, was he supposed to look into it?

   Sadly this odd aging became more apparent with every new year. By Nineteen he roughly looked about fifteen, when he turned twenty, he similarly looked the same. Because of this oddity he found himself staying home, or keeping away from the public more and more, not wishing to be ridiculed or looked at as a medical mystery. 

   He tried to grow close to some at least, some girls still lingered to his kindness. That was until they looked like a older woman carrying a child around on her arm. After being left  so many times, Phil couldn't help but draw back, and subconsciously shut himself down on seeking out a possible partner. After all, who wanted to bee seen with a child?

   When he matured into his thirties, he moved into a cottage by himself. He lied to his mother about the reasoning, telling her he wanted to explore the world more, grow up and experience it all. He knew his father wouldn't need help around the house anymore so it was perfect timing for the excuse. However, deep down he knew he was only leaving because he didn't want the village people to see a thirty-year old looking like a nineteen year old.

   After his departure he only came back for two things. His Father’s and his Mother’s Funeral. He would always kick himself in the future when he looked back on his mothers death. He couldn't stay through her whole service, not because of the tears he shed, but because of the lingering comments the villagers made. They didn't recognize Phil, thus they assumed he never showed. So instead of whispering saddened through's about her missing child, they down talked him. They cursed his “absence”, they wished Ill on him, they hoped he suffered for it.

   When Phil thinks back on this, he always remembers this as the first time he felt something deep within him stir.

   For every word, every curse... Every ill will... 

He wished it back tenfold. 

   “Shame their boy didn't show, I thought he was so kind”

   ‘Shame you don't open your eyes’

   “Don't you think he would at least show? I mean its a funeral, its not like he had anyone else.”

   ‘I don't see anyone at your funeral, not with how you keep both faces upturned’

   “I hope he remembers missing his mothers death, I hope it stays with him forever”

   ‘rot in hell’ 

   He knew most of his anger was from grief, he knew he shouldn't take it out on the others, it wasn't the right thing to do. 

   But that didn't stop him from doing it anyway.

   He should have been about a hundred now. he was easily old, yet he looked no older than twenty. He couldn't explain it, but that didn't stop him from living, he still kept going day to day.

   After a few more he left the pew, no longer waiting to hear what else they had to say about his absence.

   After he hit three digit numbers, he started to change drastically...

   He met a woman on his One hundred, and fiftieth birthday, and Oh would he always remember her. She never gave her name, yet Phil trusted her with his whole heart. 

   She came to him when he was out late hunting. The night was cold, the first snowfall hadn't been long ago, so as Phil prowled the woods his breath came out in puff’s, the cloud showing his shaky breath. At first he thought he was seeing things, shadows moving too swiftly for a pure animal. He would see one on his left, then swiftly from behind him, then to his right. it was enough to drive anyone insane at the thought.

   Pushing aside his fear, he drew the sting of his bow back, assuming a black bear had taken interest into his loneliness, prowling alongside him, waiting to send him back to his mothers grave in bits. Phil was wise enough to know the situation of “You or Me, we both cant leave” So before the bear could strike he pulled the arrow back, tucking the nock against the corner of his lip, the fletching brushing his cheek in the process, giving contrast to the cold night. With the arrow ready, he waited for the sound of movement. 

   When he herd the wind pass by his ear in a swift breeze, he released a breath and turned, releasing the arrow from his grip, letting the arrow pierce the air, waiting for the sound of a hit.

But it didn't come.

   Instead, when he turned to see his kill, he saw a kind woman looking down at him. She was tall, yet beautiful in every point, wings of gold glittered under the moonlight, acting like a natural halo behind her. Her face was hidden by her black veil, black curls kissing her cheeks as they fell over her shoulder. Not only was Phil stunned, but he was left speechless when he saw her holding his arrow, the arrow he shot in hopes to end animal.

   “Well hello there little one”

[tarasylnin-lavellan]

Justice's Flight

okay so here is the third episode in the justice arc featuring the half qunari half elf Harel from @w-h-4-t much love lethalan

Taras feet thudded as she ran, heart dead in her chest. You knew better her mind called, you knew how this would end. Foolish child you knew, she gritted her teeth against the painful thoughts. She used everything in the Vir Tanadhal. She ran along stones, swung from branches to break up her track, and forded every stream. She had to ensure that no one could find her, not ever.

Harel and Cole found the track of the Great stag easily enough and took off after Tara. Soon enough they found the site of the "ambush" and stopped. Cole breathed "scattering scared flighty yet flightless fleeing, falling." Harel looked over at the slight young man "mmm that sounds like.... well Tara's very stony. Scared? Ok maybe that is her." Coles eyes widened "mamae I am sorry mamae I....void blackened hate, glass scraping, I don't want to be the beast again, obsidian shards-" Harel cut him off promptly grabbing the boy "hey breathe, boots on the ground, air in your lungs we're trying to find her, breathe you're okay you're here. Cole looked up with his watery eyes at harel "she hurts so much, sharp glass tearing, she is drowning in the dark." His eyes filled with tears at the soul wrenching agony he could feel. Harel stared at the staged site "shems might fall for this one, but in the clan we called it Falon'din's faint. Stage an attack so the pursuer looses interest in your trail. Harel turned and saw the tears on Cole's face "hey, we're going to find, we will light the darkness okay? we wont let her drown. I wont let you drown either, we are going to be okay.

"Clawing creeping darkness....there" he pointed a trembling hand to the southwest. There was nothing to show her passage but Harel had expected that. Any clanfam worth a damn would know how to evade capture. "She really doesn't want to be found" Cole whispered, Harel nodded studying the area. "really does.... I mean I'm pretty good at tracking from when the clan would leave me behind but.... she really wiped herself off the map." "Swiftly spinning, thunder rumbles in the clouds even when it wants to be a flame." Cole stood wanting to help needing to help, Harel muttered pacing the clearing. "Where is she, were would she go," Cole stared at the sky "Move like brother, think like father, faster, go faster safety in seeking danger." Harel stopped at the words "do....wait....do you think you can follow the feeling? trail off the fear like you do?" "find the hurt?" Harel nodded "uh...yes... like feel out the pain like you do and keep following it till we find her?" Cole looked to the southwest "I can try....but it might make me disappear she is hurting so much..." Harel looked that way too "so long as one of us finds her, she gave up everything for that fucking bastard." Harel's eyes glowed a faint green at her words. "But we are not going to let her go, are we Cole?" Cole's eyes grew haunted "bright in the darkness wearing its skin loosely-" "FOCUS! Follow! we wont let anything happen to her, not again never again. You said she was going that way?" Cole nodded. "Then that is where we will go," a soft trumpeting noise cut her off. The inquisitors white hart trotted into the clearing shaking his head in grief huffing. "Oh you poor sweet thing, Tara left you all alone" she patted the beasts snout "its okay we are here now." Cole looked at the massive white stag "he... he saw her flee, saw her go there beyond the trees past there fleeing with the sun." Harel's eyes opened wide in sudden panic "she, she is heading for the arbor wilds SHITE its gunna get her killed DEAD." Harel felt the fear seizing her heart, "OH MYTHALS FUCKING BREAST BAND that place is deadly!" she shook Cole by the shoulders "she cant survive there! Tara is strong but the wilds will eat her alive!" Cole looked up at the bigger woman "death with purpose, safety in silence... I think that is her plan." "Well her plan is fuckin STUPID. We need to get to her before she gets anymore bright ideas! She is not going to sacrifice herself for some dumbass Templar idiot. We are going to bring her back and if he wants to play mage killer then I'll" a deep dangerous growl rumbled in her chest "I will bring it down on him, he wont hurt her... ever."

Harel swung onto the harts back and pulled Cole up behind her. His soft voice accompanying the thud of the hooves "knotted, gnarled, gnawing, the pain of knowing, of being seen, sheltering inside my heart, oh Mythal what if I kill again. Charred bodies.... burning hate... but now I know the faces, everyone I love, everyone I protect crushed like ash. A new templar an old dance, I cannot let it end the same have to stop have to run. The screams the hiss of burning flesh in armor, Mamae! she is cold so cold. Its safer to run let them think me lost, Dorian will know I cannot lie to him. Harel's heart was heavy as stone listening to the pain that tore at her friend. "She's got so much pain and she just keeps adding more, I don't know how she is still going Cole."

"The lion and the serpent bind me to the light, breaking away old walls and hurt. New love in true forms swirling like honey in his tea, eyes of amber look at me with kindness, I cannot let go but I must for them."

"The serpent will know she cannot keep this from him, he sees her and loves her anyway. He will look in the book eventually, but she will be too far gone by then. The lion roars and she runs to save him from her blood in his mouth. The lion tests his chains, roaring as the whip cuts into him but this is for his own good, his fangs start to show as the links break, to break her would break him.

"I am a weapon I have no right to love him, and now he hurts and its all my fault. Soon the hunt will begin again just as before, The Templars will hunt me and I will flee."

Harel looked into the darkness of the trees as Cole whispered all Tara's fear and hurts to her. The weight grows on her shoulders and she thinks of the horrible pain of being so alone; of finally finding people who love her only to have the spirit she was forced to be bound to rip all of it away. We'll change her mind, Dorian knows, he will do anything to stop her being hunted."

"The serpent raises his head fearless, fangs glinting but never poised to bite. He curls around her defensive and defying he know the pain of being hated. The hurt of betrayal for things that you were born with, he understands and draws up to the lion without fear.....Dorian yelled alot." Harel huffed a laugh "of course he did, and that is good, especially if it was at that blockheaded idiot Commander. I cannot believe we keep such ignorant people ar-" "pain, mistrust, I give them my all and the keep forcing me down. the magic, is dangerous; the chantry mother licks her thumb before turning the page, magic is dangerous. I saw the suffering it causes in the circle in Kirkwall, and here. Magic is dangerous but I want so badly to trust, crushed like a flower beneath hooves. She used me! She let me think she was....normal I still love her how can I still love her."

"He still loves her? okay.....maybe he's not as ignorant as I thought.... Sylaise, I hope to fuck Dorian gets him to calm down before we find her." "His hurt touches hers" Cole's voice was quiet and sad. "The scent of sweet mint and rain, I feel myself slipping away but it is there oakmoss and mint, twisting, tantalizing and terribly apart. What have I done! I didn't even give her a chance! I will may never see her again!"

Harel's hands tightened on the reins as the hart navigated a rock "good the fear will make him remorseful, its better that he remains beating himself up for what he did until we get her. He will never hurt her again after this...never again."

Cole sucked in a breath as he caught the agony around Tara again "sharp shards of hate, like the spines of a dragon, raising like hackles, glowing with darkness and smoke. Her heart cannot break like this, it will break her the darkness will find her take her." Harel swallowed heavily "lets say we cant get to her quick enough, what is she going to.... become"

"A pale mask, the queen she refused to be, the mask hides only darkness, edges, and hate. The crystals she fears tear her apart, dark and sharpened wings singing a discordant song. Groping in the darkness, Mamae's cooling body. I am losing myself, falling into the nothing."

Harel shuddered at the thought of her friend giving in and turning into vengeance. "Mythal grant us time to get to her.

Tara couldn't run anymore, she was utterly exhausted from the trauma and the flight from skyhold. She collapsed to her side under a tree. She tried to summon magic to blunt the pain turn off the nerves, but she was too exhausted for that kind of focus. The darkness of unconsciousness claimed her.

"Her mind is quieter she is sleeping!" Cole told harel. "Good, we need to double time it then, before she takes off again." Cole watched the shadows of the trees, "quiet like a drop of water in a pond, undisturbed, no wolves or shadows just soft darkness. She will not be moving any time soon." Harel pushed the stag just a bit faster "damn gotta her give credit though, she can haul ass when she want to if Dorian hadn't found that note so quickly we have never caught up." The pair rode till dawn "darkness pooling but not silent, she is awake.... and close."

blue white eyes glowed faintly in the shadow of a great tree, a deep melodic voice growled "You are not the hounds I was expecting..."

okay my lovelies there will either be a really long episode or two more depending on how much my sad artist brain can take go check out @w-h-4-t she has alot of great writing and is fantastic at Cole's dialog

[misterbitches]

This is a personal kinda critique/my thoughts w the show im in my phone in a hotel w my parents in boston and im just rly fucking crazy rn and i cant put a read more link my bad. tagging it just in case cos i have some technical thoughts too but i doubt ppl care. I may delete this. Why is ttumblr for iphone so vad where the eff is the read more jawn.......ANYWAY

my uncle died and it has taken an insane emotional toll on me more than i thought possible. spiraling me i to an episode. when the pandemic began, i remember i was watching 2gether and it gave me solace because i had nothing else. i lost two jobs—one very important for my career—my relationship with my parents is fraught, im 29, and i have to live with them. but when i look back on 2gether, since it was what i was doing a lot at the time bc we could do even less than now, i dont feel a connection i just watched it at the time.

blih may be like this, but my uncle died...the day before it aired. I guess i watched it the next day out of desperation. I just went to check and im crying now. Idk what memories ill have of the show and i hate marking periods of my life by such silly capitalist output but what choice do we have anyway? it was nice because i got to see something mild and sweet.

and i have to say, the mom cameo was really touching. so was director mai. having grief and having a really neglected childhood those two things made me cry. they got his mother’s reaction downpat to losing the love of her life and being a widow—it hit me like a ton of bricks to hear that talk then go to the memorial service snd take care of my cousins and be there for my aunt. Im no one and not a widow but that type of love for a partner and being able to celebrate him abd love him completely forever and not having the memory leave you. It is important to me to see that it is possible. This could lie the rub between BL just for BL sake or like actual shows that are dramas that happen to have different types of ppl and not ignoring their way of life or possibility (“querrness means possibility” - a famous thai auteur named joe)

love is a really beautifl and previous thing and people deserve happiness and respect and to be loved. theres a person who is with you and the people around you and one day they could leave. for whatever reason. should we not try? if not for the emotional buts i think the show would be something people care less avout but that was a draw. and for the first time in so long especially for a BL i thought, “wow, i feel something and i’m having fun.”

it’s hsrd to talk about and personal. i miss him more than life itself. Some days it is so bad. I want to exit the earth and dnot do it anymore. but theres little teeny thngs that make it a bit better to hold on. lol theres so much to do and to be happy with. and so much to fall into despair. id rather watch it go by but i dont want to miss a chance to feel what they feel or loving people around me and finding the love of my life and my calling.

it was nice to wait for something every week that was sort of like a friend and to see a lot of the same problems im facing too. pain of loss and moving on isnt running away i guess. im similar to jyz in the fact that id rather not do it at all to not lose what i never had. i wish i didnt know my uncle, because i wouldnt feel this way but if i never knew him bow could i have loved someone so much and known him? wouldnt that bee a loss? isnt giving up and closing yourself off to force people to come to you because youre scared just as slefish? Dunno.

The show made me think a lot ans it was just perfect timing i guess. it didnt help me run away from my demons but it quelled them for a time and reminded me i could be better too.

Now as an artist with insane abandonment issues i can safely say that production mistakes were a plenty and most egregiously i would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER be able to handle the level of stress of having someone that fucking left me back. That would destroy me, when JYZ was upset around him i was and all the signs were about a relaly oppressive difficult person but they introduced him too late. but ironically i saw the patterns of abuse i went/go through w my parents and my distrust meter skyrocketed and because aaron lai is a good actor, it extra hurt. he acted like a small child—the same feelings i was having at that exact week and i felt the force of it. I feel like that was a missed opportunity and i get why but this is what i mean about the feelings they were able to get down. The actors did legwork from the script to their delivery but it alsk means the script wasnt totally atrocious. Ok now im talking in circles.

This is kinda like to my star, a nice show, tranqhil, and sorrowful but eventually just hopeful. Maybe it’s the hopefulness and peace idk. I just wish my life was calm like that but again escapism abd then they hit u with the rela shit and u cant take it

And the little prince....st exupery was an anti fascist so thats good but the whimsy of that book and the beauty of continuing or...the prince knew he was heading first into something he may not make it out of but he did it because why not? Why not go to the fullest? Nothing is set in stone. The prince didn’t understand adults but he didnt have to. He was going through life searching and encountered hardships but still took the chance. He didnt run away.

[taronfanfic]

Fast Forward

Chapter 19

“I think I should go.” You spoke quietly as you stood up from the table.

“Where?”

“I don’t know, anywhere… give you some space.”

“I don’t need space, sit down.” Taron protested and reached out for your arm, turning you back to face him. “You’re not the one who gets to walk away from this.”

“I’ve fucked it all up.” You repeated as you reluctantly sat back down.

“So fight to get it back on track!” Taron spoke harshly before shaking his head. “It’s like your heart’s not really in it. You’ve seen a way out and for some reason you want to make a run for it. It’s making me question why I bothered with any of this…”

“Because you’re a good person, that’s why. You’re amazing. Perfect! You’ll always go the extra mile and every time you do I seem to throw it back in your face.” Your hands rushed up to hide your face as you started to cry, feeling more vulnerable than ever to be having this argument in the middle of a restaurant. “Life is pretty scary for me right now, and my gut instinct is always to run. But every time I run I end up hurting someone I love, and someone who loves me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want you to be happy, but I keep hurting you.”

“Then stop running.” Taron replied as though it was the easiest thing in the world.

“How?” You looked up to him with half a laugh.

“Let me back in. You shut me out as soon as your Dad was ill.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing...” You paused as you realised how stupid you’d been. “I wanted to protect you from the stress and grief that I know comes as a package deal with my parents. I didn’t want any of that to affect you or hurt you.”

“But that would be my problem to deal with, if it was a problem at all. I get on well with your Dad and your Mum is just being protective, or something. I’m not going to hold that against her, she just needs some time to get to know me, and get to know us as a couple. But you won’t let that happen, you won’t give me a chance! I don’t understand why you’ve made it into such a big deal either.”

“Because I grew up with them, and spent years trying to get away. We’re not like your family at all. We don’t think the same way, deal with things in the same way, and we’re not nearly as close as your family is.”

“No two families are the same.” Taron sighed as he ran his hand over the top of his hair. “I wouldn’t compare or judge, I just want to be included and it shouldn’t be this hard.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Another long pause fell between you and this time you dared to glance over at Taron so you could see if you were making any progress. “I was being selfish and trying to keep you separate from all of that so I could still have you as my escape. You’re my happy place, Taron.” There was a hint of a smile that instinctively twitched at the corners of his lips as he heard you say it.

“I could have been so much more, but you never gave me a chance.���

“I’m sorry, and I’ll say it over and over. I can change things, I will give you a chance, I promise I will. I don’t want this to be the end of us.” Those last words were the ones Taron was waiting to hear.

“Thank you.” He replied simply.

“I’m sorry for ruining today as well. You’ve gone to so much trouble and I don’t deserve it, you deserve so much better!” You wiped your last tears from your cheeks and downed the rest of your prosecco.

“Well you can spend the rest of the day making it up to me, can’t you?” Taron reached out for your hand and let the cheekiness return to his eyes. You felt a long breath of tension release from your body as the atmosphere between you finally started to feel softer and warmer. “Stop hating yourself and start loving me.”

“I love you a ridiculous amount. To the point where I can’t think straight sometimes… Or walk straight.” You added under your breath. “I’m never keeping anything from you again because secrets and us are just… disastrous.”

“Agreed!” He laughed. 

“So can we call this a clean slate?” You asked tentatively. “I’m not keeping anything else from you, and I promise to be completely honest with you about everything from this point forwards.”

“I can’t ask for anything else. Nothing but honesty.” You leant across the table to seal the fresh start with a loving and tender kiss which was eagerly reciprocated by Taron. “This doesn’t mean you’re completely off the hook with making it up to me for the rest of the day though.”

“I never presumed I was, your wish will be my command.”

“I’d better get thinking then.” He teased.

“I really fucking love you too, you know that?”

“I do.” He smiled softly.

“I know I don’t always show it, or do the right thing or whatever, but it’s never with bad intentions. I want you to be happy more than anything and the thought of us not working… god it makes me feel sick. I really, really love you, Taron.”

“I love you too. You can be a total idiot at times, but you’re my idiot and that’s the way it’s going to stay. Forever.”

There was a joint sigh of relief and a small smile shared between you now that everything was out in the open. You looked down to your hands which were still held together across the table and you rubbed your thumb softly over Taron’s skin, hoping that the rest of the day could be filled with better memories. Ones which could shrink that argument and make it feel like it never happened on your anniversary at all.

***

Tentative was the word that came to mind as you pulled the fluffy white robe around your body and stepped out of the changing rooms into the spa. The guilt you felt for hurting Taron again was lingering and it made you sad to still have the image of the pain in his eyes at the front of your mind. This couples massage was the last thing you felt you deserved, but you had to go into it with some form of positivity, just for him. Hopefully seeing each other relax would dissolve any last bits of tension between you.

You gave Taron a tight squeeze of a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek before you entered the private room together and hung up your robes at the side. Taron made sure you were settled face down on the massage table before he untied the back of your bikini top and moved the straps away from your skin. He started to softly massage the tops of your shoulders but soon gave in and nuzzled his face into the side of your neck.

“I always wondered why people weren’t allowed to massage each other in a couples massage, but I guess it’s way too easy to get more intimate than that.”

“Don’t give me ideas…” Taron mumbled into your skin. “You smell gorgeous today.”

“I’d start making things up to you now, but they’ll be in in a minute.”

You kept your head to the left, watching Taron lie down on the table next to yours and look back to you with a loving smile. It made you reach out into the gap between you, offering out your hand for him to take and as his fingers brushed against yours you knew this was going to be the perfect way to draw a line under everything. There was already a part of you that felt stronger for getting through it and out the other side.

“Love you.” You told him with an added pouted air kiss in his direction which made him scrunch his nose up in the most adorable way just as the door opened and the two masseuses joined you. They got to work in synchronicity, lighting a few candles around the room, spreading the oil across your skin and then working their hands into each of your muscles to release the tension you’d been holding onto for weeks. It was the neck and shoulders that got to you the most, the deep pressure working right into the knots and leaving you exhaling with a soft moan. The kind of moan that you knew Taron would want to hear again. He was no better, sighing as the masseuse worked down his back and then trying to disguise his giggle when he felt her hands practically on his bum. Having the experience mirrored was amazing. It allowed you to make mental notes of where on the body he carried his stress, you already knew where was sensitive, ticklish and easily aroused, but now you’d be able to massage each other and help release any future tensions that fell between you.

The massage was over way too soon for your liking, but the new atmosphere between you and Taron was incredible. His touch against your skin as he tied your bikini back up and then helped you up from the table was electric. His eyes seemed more handsome and charming than ever and you wanted nothing more than to stay completely lost with him until the end of time.

“Wow,” You spoke softly as Taron handed you your gown. “Can we book another one of those for tomorrow?”

“I don’t think we’d ever leave if we did.”

“That’s good with me.” You grinned as you reached up and took hold of the neck of his gown, pulling him in towards you so you could kiss him slowly. “Everything I need is right here.”

“Maybe some more privacy would be nice.” He giggled as he looked out the open door to see other spa-goers in the pool and hot tubs. “Our room for the night should be ready by now and there’s a treat or two waiting for you.”

“Oh yeah? But does it have a hot tub?” You asked as you walked out of the treatment room hand in hand with Taron and eyed up the steamy bubbles.

“It might do…”

“Does it!?”

“The quicker you get dressed again, the quicker you’ll find out!” He teased, leaving a final peck to your lips and no doubts in your mind that you’d be getting your own private hot tub to enjoy.

Taglist: @egerton-sweetie  @amanda-tallmadge @lizziespidiepridie @leanimal90 @anantheminmyheart22 @aynsleywalker​ @bohemianrhapsody86​ @butterfliesslugswormsandothershi @manners-maketh-taron @livingincompletesilence@marvelmakeuplover @ohsosmutty@misspygmypie  @manners-maketh-a-kingsman@courtmr @baileythepenguin@thomaslefteyebrow @witchymarvelspacecase @samanthasmileys@nellietara @i-cant-remember-my-old-login @wheresmylightinthedark@kurtis-conner@hoe4dior @toky-9101 @mayaslifeinabox@fluentlyspeakingtreason @yallyallblanchett @whiskeylipsx@emmaelizabeth2014​ @primaba11erina @fightuntilyoucan @carlita2025 @rocknrollmadden@walking-stressed-mess @dogmom2014 @aberystwythboy

[slayxwolf]

Stiles Stilinski Imagine- Where’s My Love

Masterlist

Author’s Note: So this is based on this song, you can find it here. I just think it’s so beautiful so I had to make an imagine based on it.

Word Count: 1,995

Cold bones. Yeah, that's my love She hides away, like a ghost Does she know that we bleed the same? Don't wanna cry but I break that way

‘I can’t do this anymore. I am sick and tired of losing people to this fucking town. I have loved and lost so many people because of the supernatural backlash and I'm afraid I’ve lost myself’. That was the last thought that ran through your mind, the words that repeated as you packed your bags, as you left your house key and as you began to drive. It wasn't easy. None of this was ever going to be easy.

Scott and Stiles rushed into your house, they hadn't seen you in over 24 hours and you weren't answering your phone. Scott was still covered in blood from the night before, trying to protect Beacon Hills from yet another supernatural threat. “Y/n!” they both called, storming through the empty rooms. Scott rushed upstairs, while Stiles checked downstairs. Suddenly, Scott’s footsteps from upstairs came to a halt; catching Stiles’ attention. He followed and walked into your bedroom, Scott glanced behind him with sympathetic eyes. The further your boyfriend walked into you room, the more he realised you were gone. A place that had once felt like a second home to him, felt unfamiliar and cold. “I'm sorry” Scott dropped his head in guilt. You and Stiles had been inseparable since Freshman year, you didn't find out about the supernatural until the time you saw Jackson turn into a fucking lizard. Scott wondered if it wasn't for him getting bitten, that things would have never ended up like this. Stiles looked around your room, clothes were ripped off the hangers in your wardrobe, essential items were pulled out of your draws, your suitcase and bags were missing and your room was practically bare. Stiles stood staring at blank walls and let out a subtle laugh, one of shock and astonishment; as opposed to amusement. “She’s gone-” he breathed. He turned to face Scott with tears in his eyes, before Scott pulled him into a hug, holding the back of his head firmly with his hand.

Stiles couldn't sleep that night- or any night for that matter. He feared that you could be hurt or scared while he was sleeping peacefully, he also feared that he would dream of you- and wake up without you lying beside him. The same routine every night, he would scroll through pictures of you together, re-read texts and constantly think about old memories. The heavy feeling you get In your chest when you hear bad news, Stiles had that all of the time. You did what you needed to do for yourself, but that meant breaking people’s hearts along the way. Stiles stared at the most recent picture of you in his phone, you looked so happy and he searched for signs of the sadness you felt- but couldn't find any. He felt the indent as someone sat at the bottom of his bed, “Come on son” he sighed gently, locking the phone in his hand. Stiles put it on his bedside table and shook his head, “I just miss her” he barely spoke. “I know” he replied, giving Stiles an endearing pat on the shoulder, before reaching to turn his lamp off. He stood up and walked out of the room, not because he didn't care, but because he felt the same pain Stiles felt. When his wife died he did the same thing, went down the same path of self destruction and grief. Nothing hurts like the first heartbreak, its an inevitable pain- but he thought you two were different. I guess he was wrong.

Cold sheets. Oh, where's my love? I am searching high, I'm searching low in the night Does she know that we bleed the same? Don't wanna cry but I break that way

“Hey Stiles”  Lydia said casually, but failed to mask the empathy in her voice. He simply nod his head and gave her a weak smile. “You haven't been at school in a while, I'm surprised you remember where the library is” she joked, trying to make him feel better. Stiles just stared at her blankly. “I'm sorry- that was a stupid thing for me to say- sorry” she rambled, feeling terrible. He let out a soft laugh. “You asshole, I though I upset you” she laughed back, punching him playfully in the arm. “I'm fine- honestly” he claimed, his voice crack suggesting otherwise. She looked over his shoulder and at the laptop he had open on the table. She shook her head a took a seat beside him. Stiles hung his head. “You hacked into her phone records, Stiles you are aware of how illegal that is right?” she asked in disbelief. “They’re useless anyway” he huffed, taking the headphones from around his neck off and slamming his laptop shut. “You’re looking for her, aren't you?” she asked, and his lack of answer said it all. She sat for a moment and sighed, thinking before making any type of decision. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she questioned. “What if she doesn't want to be found?” he asked, his voice raspy and his eyes glazed. “Sometimes, two people need to fall apart, to realise how much they need to fall back together" she answered, giving him a small but genuine smile. He understood completely. “So if we’re going to do this...” she began saying, opening up his laptop. “Then we’ll do it together” she comforted, channelling her knowledge into helping him search for you. Lydia played cupid in Freshman year, which inevitably got you both together. It was only fair that she helped you find your way back to one another.

Did she run away? Did she run away? I don't know If she ran away If she ran away, come back home Just come home

You gripped onto the steering wheel tightly. What the fuck are you doing? You kept repeating in your head as you drove. You had no idea where you were going and quite frankly, you didn't care anymore. You adjusted you wing view mirror and put on your windshield wipers, as it began to pour down with rain. Great. You wiped the smudged mascara from under your eye, before returning to stare at the empty road in front of you. You glanced at your phone that was resting on the passenger seat, along with your purse. You hadn't turned it on since you left, because you knew that the missed calls and text messages from everyone will break you, but you kept it close to you because it was the only thing you had left, that kept you connected to Beacon Hills. You drove past couples on the street walking hand in hand. You remembered when your life used to be that simple, before you were constantly fighting for it, due to the next supernatural nightmare to plague the town. You lost your best friend to it, people you’d known since you could just about talk, and people that fought to save you all- you couldn't watch that happen anymore. As much as losing a loved one hurts, you now came to realise that leaving hurts the most. Everyone’s time is limited on earth and it’s better to live every second of it, doing the things you love, with the people you love. Maybe walking away from that was the biggest mistake you’ve made, maybe it was the best. But everything happens for a reason, right. Going back was the easiest thing to do- but you weren't sure if it was the right thing to do.

I got a fear, oh, in my blood She was carried up into the clouds, high above If you bled, I'll bleed the same If you're scared, I'm on my way

“It’s been weeks” Scott sighed, slumping onto his best friend’s bed. Stiles mumbled as a response and continued to type, print, highlight and pin up leads onto his investigation board. “You've stopped coming to school again- you’re failing history class” Scott continued. “It can wait” he brushed off, standing up and starting to search for his coloured strings. “Stiles, just stop” Scott spoke with authority, tired of watching him mope around his room desperately searching for someone that was never coming back. “We all miss her, she’s been apart of all of our lives for so long- but you have to let go” he said softly. “I know Y/n and I know that right now she’s feeling scared and alone, because she always does things before thinking rationally, it’s what she is- she’s a doer and that's why she needs me, because I'm a thinker and together we make the perfect balance and-” he began to ramble at 100mph. “You love each other, but sometimes things aren't meant to be and it sucks” he interrupted, for once being the voice of reason regarding relationships. “I cant live without her” Stiles admitted. Scott was familiar with a similar form of heartache and he knew it was the cruellest. He sighed and stood up, before picking up Stiles’ string from the desk behind him and handing it to him. It was a small gesture, with a huge meaning behind it. “We’ll find her” Scott reassured. Stiles nod his head and smiled at his best friend, as they continued to search together.

Did you run away? Did you run away? I don't need to know If you ran away If you ran away, come back home Just come home 

You tucked your hair behind your ear as you walked across the beach. You hadn't settled down anywhere and you were feeling alone to say the least. “Excuse me, you dropped something” an old women passed you a small polaroid picture that must have fallen out of your wallet. “Thank you” you said gently as she handed it to you. You began to walk away but she held your hand for a little longer. “He’s a handsome young man, is he your boyfriend?” she asked. You glanced down at the picture, it was of you and Stiles at a party. He had his arm around you and you were laughing. “Oh erm, something like that” you gave a weak smile. “Young love” she said understandingly, letting go of you. “Have a good day” you said, which she returned. You turned around and wiped the tear that had been desperate to esape your eye. You took a deep breath and continued to walk. The beach was always your place of clarity, you watched as the sun began to set behind the sea. “Excuse me” a voice spoke. Goosebumps rose on your skin, you had longed to hear it. “Stiles-” you turned around to see him. His eyes wide and his lips parted open. “Take me home” you let out a sob as you ran into his arms without hesitation. He tightened his grip around you and stroked your hair as it blew in the breeze. “I missed you so fucking much” he said in relief, finally feeling you in his arms after months of hurting. “I missed you too” you squeezed your eyes shut at the thought of having to live another second without him. “I felt like I was going out of my mind” he whispered into your ear. You pulled away from him and stared into his watery dark brown eyes, “I’ve realised something” you said, almost inaudibly. “What?” he asked worriedly. “I love you, I love you so much” you shook your head as tears fell from your eyes. He smiled for a second, “I love you” he replied. He put his arm around your waist as you both carried to walk along the beach. You felt so many different emotions, but alone was no longer one of them. You were back with the person you loved and you never intended to be away from him again- ever.

Sorry for being such a terrible writer and not being active in months, I suck I know x

[nuttmegg]

This is Jeremy, This is also me feeling it. I promised my friends that I wouldn’t hold it in, I wouldn’t pretend i wasn’t hurting and that I would let my heart feel it. So this is me, trying to feel it. The way I do that is through writing. I guess right now is the perfect time too, I’m vulnerable. My friends who know me, know that “feelings” aren’t my strong suit. It’s currently 3am and Im just getting home. I went out for a drink with friends and instead of going straight home I drove to my grandpa’s ranch(he doesn’t own it anymore so technically I was trespassing). I sat on the hood of the car and just watched the stars and I cried my fucking eyes out. Not just for Jeremy but for literally everything that is overwhelming me. But more about that later in another post. 

So I met Jeremy on tinder, Go figure right?! I honestly found him so extremely handsome, and thought I was being catfished so I put off meeting him for probably a whole month, lol. When I did finally decide to meet up with him, it was spur of the moment too. I was about to start my fantasy football draft, but something told me to go. So I told my cousins I was auto-drafting because date was greater then draft, haha. I meet him at the beach and we walked and talked for a good two/three hours, the sun went down on us and he kissed me on the beach. I was a good first date, we had a lot in common, football, sarcasm, etc, He even helped me finish my fantasy draft, and then got mad at my for avoiding him for so long. He told me how he was desperately looking for another person in his league and I would have been a perfect addition. “A cute girl, who can talk shit and knows football, you would’ve been perfect.” So after that football was our thing, we made a couple bets on the season and swore we would hang out once a week to set lineups, watch football or just talk shit on each others teams. And we did, maybe not every week, but we did manage to talk FF lineups and strategy every week.

We hung out a couple times in public but he was always so worried about his ex seeing him that it just complicated. I think I always kept him at a distance because I knew he wasn’t over her, and I didn’t want to be anyones rebound. I already told the story about how he ran around my apartment pretending he was getting ready for a fight, that night I watched Superbad with him, it was the first time I ever watched that movie. He gave me so much shit for it too. After that, any time he wanted to hang out he would text me “super bad and chill?” It was a joke between us, because i would sent it to him on occasion, I pretty sure we both knew what we were to each other. But we’re people with feelings as much as we tried to hide them, every time we would hang out he would stay longer, he would talk more, or when I would get up to leave he’d pull me back to him or tell me to spend the night. I only did once, that night I woke up to him wrapped around me. Mind you, he was 6′3″ and I’m 5′2″ he was literally suffocating me lol. I remember trying to be so quiet about leaving but I woke him up anyway, he told me as i was leaving “Stay with me kid, just once, don’t go to school.”  I think that was the same night he asked me if i loved him. I think that was when I started pulling away from him too. I begin seeing him less and less. That obviously didn’t stop him from bugging me constantly to hang out.(as per the snaps above) 

I got a text or snap from him pretty much every day. Even when I was in Vegas he bugged me. Thats the “you’re in love with me” snap. I remember being super drunk and responding with “you wish,” and he wrote back in a text saying “just you wait kid, you’re gonna fall in love with me.” I didn’t write back to that. I remember why too. I think after Vegas I saw him once, we went out for coffee and he told me how his ex was spreading rumors about him again. He talked to me about how he didn’t know where he wanted to move to but he wanted to leave, he even joked about following me to LA when I leave in December…”I’ll be your roommate kid, It’ll be great” ha. He seemed so lost that time I saw him, lost and heart broken. I didn’t know what to do, when we left I remember his hug hurt. It was one of those vulnerable hugs that last a long time and you can just feel it. That was the last time I kissed him. 

A couple days later The Hipster asked me to be exclusive, oh have i not mentioned that yet? The Hipster and I are exclusive! The last time I saw Jeremy was the day I was suppose to go to the Halsey concert. I didn’t go because I had been studying for exam and was on like 3 hrs of sleep, so I didn’t want to  to drive to Oakland by myself(its a 5-ish-hour drive). I walked with my lab partner to his house to hang out for a bit. I knocked out in his room, while my lab partner and him hung out. I woke up to Jeremy and Prince(his dog) making a bunch of noise. He was so sweet, “you knocked out kid! want dinner?” We ate dinner and I told him about the Hipster. He looked a little sad but sat across the table from me and asked me questions about him. He was teased me a little, tried joking about still “hanging out” even used air quotes too. Then took it back and said, “Nah Kid if you’re happy I wont fuck it up.” That was night I took my friends dog for a run, because he(my friend) was in a study group and Duke(the dog) was being an ass. lol. After my run I asked Jeremy if he could give me a ride home cause I was beat and my friend was still in class. 

He pulled his TC to the back of my apartment complex and when I was about to get out of the car he pulled me back in and hugged me. Again it was one of those hugs that you feel, like your soul hurts. He kissed my cheek and said “stick around kid? I want you to be happy, but we get along. Lets stay friends yeah?” I looked him straight in the eyes(something told to look him straight in the eyes), i didn’t realize then that was the last time i was going to see his green eyes and said “promise, promise.” I meant it too, I would’ve stayed his friend, we had even talked about being gym buddies. 

The next night I slept at the Hipsters and I woke up at like 2am from a text from Jeremy saying “wake up!” I didn’t respond cause I was with The Hipster and it was 2am! Not going to lie I was a little annoyed with him, I honestly thought i was a booty text. The next day in class I wrote back to him telling him that no one is up that late, he told me i should have been. I asked him what was up and he said he couldn’t sleep and just wanted someone to talk to. Then he asked me if I wanted to go on a hike………..I couldn’t I was in class. 

That was the day he…oh fuck I cant even type it….that was the day. He fucking went hiking and slipped off a 60ft cliff, survived the fall only to get swept away by the god damn ocean. They still haven’t found his body. Fuck this I am mess……if this is what feeling it is suppose to be. I don’t want to feel it. I could have been there!! Everyone keeps telling me that I cant blame myself, and I don’t but what if!! Im afraid of heights, i wouldn’t have let him climb up there, I wouldn’t have let him get so close to the edge. I could’ve convinced him to go to a different beach. And people keep throwing the word suicide around still, that he did it on purpose. What if me telling him about The Hipster was the straw that did it. I knew he was lost, I could tell, but I just thought he was lost becasue he was still a little heartbroken. 

And you what kills me even more! The fucking guilt I feel for grieving! Like you have no idea how stupid happy the Hipster makes me! I care about him so much, way more then I ever thought I was going to. I’ve been away from him for 5 days now and it hurts because I just want to be around him! I want to lay next to him, I want to study while he draws. I want to hold him and just breath in the mixture of smells, smoke and coffee. But how?? How am I suppose to grieve over another lover when, for lack of a better word, my boyfriend is laying next to me?? Some one please explain to me how I’m not suppose to feel guilty about that!!!!! Like Jeremy and I were never going to be a thing, The Hipster was always going to be the better man for me, but I still cared about Jeremy. He was right when he said we got along, we did. I just don’t know how to grieve without feeling so guilty. I don’t want to hurt the Hipster with my grief. Jeremy was someone I talked to almost daily, theres a void there now. That void hurts. 

I know its going to hurt for a while, but since Im home Im gonna let it hurt me. Because Night Hawk was right, I don’t want to hold it in and then have it come crashing down on me during finals. The one thing I keep wishing for is, I hope they find him. I have this spiritual connection with the Ocean, and I just cant feel the same way about it when it still has him. Just give him up, his family needs him. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn’t feel guilty about grieving with The Hipster around, that Jeremy would’ve wanted me to be happy. I know this, he told me himself the last time I saw him. I think the only person who can ease my guilt is The Hipster, and I’m never gonna tell him so I just let time heal that wound too. 

Oh so the pictures, the first one is a cropped picture of him after practice or something. Its one of the first pictures he sent me.  The second one is this one I found on his FB, and I think its perfect, it shows his silly nature. The 3rd is another one he sent me when we first started talking(he sent me a bunch but the rest are not really appropriate so those stay off the interwebs, not gonna lie I’m probably gonna delete them) Its also his contact photo lol. The last one is of course the save msg on snap. The 1st msg is him being hella aggressive becasue I kept turning him down. I have pictures of the rest of the things he sent me, he was actually being funny about it, said he would develop a stutter if i kept avoiding him lol. I already told you the “youre in love with me” story. And the last one had me rolling laughing when he sent that to me!! He had sent me a picture of him totally scene kid from HS right after that. I couldnt help but laugh. Thats the kind of friendship we would’ve had, more nonsense of that sort. 

So This is my story about Jeremy. This is also my way of grieving. 

This was Jeremy